Enneagram: Help For Type 9

[@mirandafoster-lugo2507]

"never talk over a 9. they will look down and tell themselves 'i knew what i had to say wasn't important " I got a lump in my throat when you said that. I wish my close friends and loved ones knew this.

[@m.b3284]

I'll pay a special attention to that from now on when talking to my 9s friends 💔 i feel bad now :(

[@xdproductions3087]

I know this all too well

[@bdgsharris]

I wish the same!

[@savstinks6847]

I said this when someone asked why im so quiet, i said that whatever i will say won't be important And they just laugh it off thinking that its just bad wording

[@kh2716]

Tell them. A friend will listen, a mate will not.

[@emmasimmons9150]

I'm a 9 with a very strong 1 wing, and my "sloth" manifests itself in the form of flip flopping between extreme productivity and unproductivity. When I feel emotions coming in and disturbing my inner-peace, I turn to things that "need" to be completed to numb myself to what's happening inside. I'll clean, I'll put away clothes, I'll do laundry, I'll make lists, I'll work on projects, ect. But sometimes I am completely unmotivated and I'll either sleep or stare at a blank google document. It's rough. I've been trying to articulate emotions and trying to be more decisive, but it's like someone glued my teeth together and strung my face up in a fake smile whenever I'm pushed to conform or make a decision. Especially isolated in my home away from others, I'm disconnecting myself from everyone I know, and I'm just retreating into myself. Anyone else? What are you guys feeling? Edit: 2 years later, I can say that it does get better. I’ve grown so much as a person and worked on myself. You can be assertive, you can have boundaries, you can have opinions and be accepted and loved and be able to handle conflict. To all the 9s out there who feel like it will be like this forever: there is hope

[@meredithnurge8099]

That's me!

[@winaalkerchief6330]

Why do I feel like I'm the one whose writing these? I can be very motivated sometimes, going hiking or camping with my friends, but even during those times, I always question myself why am I going along with their plan. It doesn't mean that I am not having fun, it just that I can feel myself getting tired doing that. Even after I finished going out I find myself to be unmotivated and do not want to do anything. It can last for 3 days. I secluded myself at home, not even going out. I rather do something or nothing than make my emotions come up because I felt like I'm being a burden to whoever it is that present. You are not alone Emma, As a fellow type 9, We can do this and live as healthier type 9. :)

[@kimberlyschoen5449]

When I feel emotions coming in and disturbing my inner peace I ..... do a series of errands.... driving here and there..... in the moment it feels very important to get them done but when I get back home .... only then do I realize I fooled myself again. Ultimately there's always something painful or difficult I'm avoiding by getting in my car and driving around.

[@Natalie-dh7ow]

Cryptic Coffee Mugs I’m also a 9 but not sure of my wing... but I am also constantly cleaning, moving, and staying busy especially during these times where I am home constantly and working from home on top of that. I’m trying to figure out why I like to constantly stay busy with these kind of tasks.. I think to feel accomplished and maybe ignore the other things that I really need to attend to but I feel much better when I’m busy. And when I am not busy and all the emotions come crashing down on me I am quieter and just overall down and need space. I am getting better at acknowledging those feelings and telling my significant other when I am feeling down and will feel better in a while.. so I’m proud I am doing that. I don’t know, I’m trying to be kinder to myself because of what is happening in this world. Feel whatever it is I’m feeling and take breaks when I need it. Just trying not to dwell too much.

[@A4est]

I relate. I tested at a 4/5 but that could be my false self, I see 9 traits in myself and similar to your experience

[@crazymegalomaniac3588]

"If you really tap down deep inside you may find a scary thing for you - you don't really care about them either. You just want to be left alone" i felt that

[@aarich119]

😂

[@Elaina-v7j]

I've never been so truly and deeply called out.

[@laceyferrel8123]

Same

[@HUGSsandi]

Gosh yes!!!

[@rvoth4792]

Just right to the core.

[@shea5542]

SAME

[@AnaNas-bm2uv]

Hahahah

[@GustavoVieira-sr1ct]

Steps to healing: 1. Stop just going along with others to keep the peace. 2. Exert yourself and force yourself to pay attention to what is going on in life (don’t go to sleep to life and recognize when you are zoning out and bring your attention back to what is happening in front of you) 3. Recognize your anger for what it is and your anxiety for what it is, and allow yourself to become more aware of your own feelings, 4. Honestly examine how you contributed to the problems you have in your relationships by zoning out to them/by trying to sacrifice your will to keep things ok has caused an underlying frustration withing you towards the people in your relationship, 5. Exercise more frequently/get in touch with your body and emotions (take reflection walks to acknowledge your feelings and emotions), 6. Repressing your feelings instead of dealing with them is almost sure way to have aches, pains, and sickness in your life, 7. Don’t start using drugs and alcohol to tranquilize yourself (the direction you need to go in is by waking yourself up, not tranquilizing), 8. Recognize that you may come to the end of your life and realize that you’ve never lived (accept the magnitude of what it means to be alive, to tap into your own goals/dreams/desires in life, 9. Trust yourself to venting your anger with friends/spouse (are these relationships stable enough so I can be real and speak up? Test that and do it - is worth to vocalize your own opinion, even if that brings conflict), 10. One of the greatest assets you have is your receptivity to people (others feel calm and safe around you, but they will love you and seek you out even more if they feel you are attentive to their needs), however, let them know who you really are without merging with everyone, trying to live in peace with everyone. SUM: Know yourself, be yourself, your own identity, show up and let people realize what a great person is inside there. Let your voice, desires, and will be made known. SHOW UP FULLY TO LIFE!

[@twlahue]

Thanks Gustavo- Great stuff!

[@crownandcountryside]

The problem is feeling like other people who are more decisive are rude people. It is hard to break through that and decide to be "rude."

[@kimberly4575]

What if you do the complete opposite of this and for too long

[@3xbabe]

This is such a great list. I feel like you're speaking directly to me. How did you come up with this????

[@rafisalfonsonin4908]

Thanks Gustavo, i will print these steps to healing and post it my bathroom mirror!! Feel free to send my way any other material or suggestions on healing to my email: [e-mail]

[@FelipeMartinin]

As a 9 my major feeling is feel as I'm throwing my life away. By sleeping too much (9-11h) and not engaging with the things when I'm awake. It also makes the days pass too fast to me, suddenly the day is gone and I didn't do anything useful...

[@rjwoods11]

chlamydia-hunter tt

[@MParentWetmore]

Same here

[@perjohanaxell9862]

Yes, I just go fore a short break and all of a sudden the day is gone.

[@twlahue]

I know...The struggle is real.

[@Vicky-nr4zh]

literally same

[@caseyspencer4705]

I began studying this a week ago. I am a 36 year old man and I have NEVER felt so understood in my entire life. This is Amazing!

[@Feminella]

My ex boyfriend had broken up with me after 2 years and it was only after he did that when I realized I didn't even like him, yet I was SO upset because my routine was broken, my comfortable and safe place was gone, and I had to face myself. When he began talking about how nines stay with everyone and just feed off them in order to not rock the boat, I realized I had spent two years of my life with someone who didn't suit me at all just because I was comfortable and couldn't imagine life without him because that would mean harsh change. And when the change happened, I got so passive and wishy washy and lonely because I lost my routine, his house, the same things I loved that weren't even good for me, they were just familiar. I never realized how self effacing I was until I looked into the Enneagram and that is such a hard reality

[@thegravityartist]

“The things that applaud us destroy us” - This insight is gold. Thanks for the great content.

[@suziqquzi2527]

That quote is now on my toolkit index card. Brilliant. Also noted the “never talk over a nine”. It’s so hard for them to speak- listening is crucial to relationships.

[@YiskahLeAnn]

Dang this scares me, I don’t know what to do with myself. I just found out that I’m a solid 9. After 31 years of this reality, my fear has always been that my life is slipping away without me really even being present and at the steering wheel. I definitely want to change this. It’s crazy how much this describes me

[@twlahue]

You got this. You can do it.

[@GustavoVieira-sr1ct]

Questions for type 9: Am I alive? Who am I? What do I want in life? What do I want to accomplish in life? What difference can I make? What will you say no to? What do I stand for? What would I never do? Am I able to come up with a list about what I am passionate about? What makes me special? What makes me stand out? What are my values and priorities in life? Why should I be diminished that anybody else? What makes you worth not listening to? Why should we not hear what you think? Am I going to speak up and share that idea/agenda/need/desire? What contribution can I make? What is it that you can offer? Why would people pick me? What can I bring to the table? If I were to wake up and show up fully, what would I be doing right now? Would I be doing what I am doing? Would I be working in a job I am working? Would I be in the friendships that I am in? What is it costing me to suppress my frustrations and desires so much in life in order to be that mild-mannered? What cost me by being an agreeable/living under the stairs person? What is draining my energy? Am I aware of how exhausting it is to be this likable/agreeable person? After a lazy day, do I really feel more energized? Am I an observer to life or am I a player in the field of life? Are you awake or asleep? What is my purpose in life? What is my dream? What is my target in life? What do I envision? What drives me? To where do I gain a lot of energy from? What are my talents and gifts? How can I use my talents and gifts to fulfill my destiny? How can I activate my action in order to complete the tasks I need to do? How healthy am I? When I move to action, am I moving because of the I set to myself or because I ran out of options/time and now is live or die?

[@twlahue]

Wow, great list...I am going to share this for sure. Thanks so much! Welcome to my channel.

[@GustavoVieira-sr1ct]

@@twlahue Thank you so much for the content in your channel. The depht of it is amazing and very helpful! Feel welcome to edit, add to and share this list

[@ericajennings351]

This list makes me think just one thing. You are me and I am you. Makes the world a little less lonely.

[@crownandcountryside]

What about a more extroverted Nine who doesn't really have any unspoken desires? Not all of our comfort seeking is repressive or stressful. It is just because we like it.

[@colleendahle1151]

Seriously I got anxiety just reading this I didn't even finish it I just checked out.

[@noahm7977]

It feels so good to have my mindset displayed when it's so difficult as a 9 to define yourself. Thank you!

[@kylew121]

The "go home by a different route" thing actually sounded kind of fun until the "find this product" part lol

[@Melc6267]

I'm a 9w8, and this is my second video of yours that I've watched about type 9's, and I have to say, you truly 'get' us. Both videos have been incredibly helpful, insightful, and confrontational, and I truly appreciate the kind and gentle way you bring forth these truths. I feel like what you have shared is important for inner healing for me, and I just want to say thank you, and your videos are truly impactful!

[@twlahue]

Thanks so much.

[@justinbergen3724]

Watching this video, 9w1. Literally have an eight page paper I need to finish for Thursday that I've spent the whole day staring at, have completed 1 page so far, would rather watch this video. It's RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME

[@twlahue]

😊 😉

[@sacredmoonlove6]

This made me cry. This is the most accurate description of who I am and how I feel and act that I have ever heard. WOW

[@SeLiiia]

Damn, you are making me cry ... I'm a 9w8 and had a very hard childhood with a very dominant father who always pushed me in a specific direction. And I just went with it and thought I really wanted that for myself until I realized I really don't. My type 4 brother is always rebelling. This was very eye-opening. I'm serious, this hit hard and I was sitting here sobbing my heart out and drowning in self-pity. I'm in my mid 20s and I have the feeling life just went by. I really really want and try to break out of it - I'm just so sad. Thank you for understanding 9s, I think I now understand myself better and can finally start to heal.

[@ayyo6997]

I am in the exact same situation as you.

[@notmarealnameboi]

You are still very young. Go get it!

[@justapseudonym7]

Wow yes, I relate to this so much. I'm 22, in the military because a family member said I should join out of high school when I had so many other opportunities. I just listened to keep the peace and I'm doing something I have no desire for. The one blessing is that I found God and my amazing husband. Still, I'm ready to be done with this but I'm frozen in fear because most of my life has been spent appeasing others. I just want to break out of the cycle.

[@ShadaeMastersAstrology]

@@justapseudonym7 Have you sat down and written out your desires and a plan? At 36 I realize that these two actions are anchors for us number 9’s. When we are in alignment with our purpose and plan the universe sends support:) Wish you the absolute best.

[@WilliamSantos-cv8rr]

better?

[@stacyelaine5799]

At 50 I'm now working on the learning how to "live" life part as I continue to heal from life, as all I learned was how to survive it as I lived for others sadly at the cost of myself for their so called benefit until I had nothing left to give. Amazing how one can see& kmow so much about others & what they need, feel,think etc., but honestly know so little about yourself.

[@moo_moon128]

I never had realised Ma’am/Sir, I was learning how to live for others, but I can’t differentiate between my desire for sloth 🦥 or my convenience

[@zombiebros8138]

I'm such a nine. I've been feeling frustrated with myself lately because I let obstacles deter me completely. What some people see as a hurdle to get over can really stop me in my tracks. Thats kind of what brought me here. I had never heard of enneagram but listening to you has brought me to literal tears. Thanks you for helping me understand myself a bit and finally feel understood.

[@KCSea]

So much of this is me spot on. As a nine I don’t lie because it ends up causing conflict. So, if I say I forgot it’s because I was in my box and really forgot. People will ask you to do something and talk you into it because you are agreeable. Later, with my own thoughts, I feel resentful for being pressured to do something I don’t feel is right, and it is difficult to come back and say no. Change is the hardest, I will do a difficult or easy task and not want to stop to do something else, because I have to change my whole mindset. (my partner is an 8)

[@catherineavakian5833]

I’ve tried to get better at saying “I’ll think about it and let you know by Thursday(or whatever day...) because I know once I think about whatever someone’s asking me to do in my own time I’ll know more clearly if I want to do it.

[@JuliaJayATOP]

It’s worse on your 8 pp than u 😅

[@wingedscapula]

Exactly my experience. Crazy that people can be so alike. My current partner is also an 8. It's hard. I don't know if it's good hard or bad hard. I'm just taking it day by day. At least, it's good knowing that we're not special with our "misery" and fixation.

[@justapseudonym7]

My husband is an 8 and after the cupcake phase ended, our relationship was tough. It took time for us to realize each other's needs but now I'm so grateful for him. He's helped me develop my 8 wing a lot more, when it comes to standing up for myself and setting boundaries. He's also the voice of reason when I'm willing to let people walk all over me.

[@aliceisabelleletts1306]

I’ve never been so accurately described in my life. Really impressive thankyou

[@amycreagh3108]

Thank you for trying to help and understand nines. Your empathy is really appreciated. Striving for comfort and avoidance while all my goals and obligations pile up around me is so overwhelming. It would be so easy to slip into hopelessness but your videos give me hope.

[@abbiepancakeeater52]

the hardest part of being a 9 is that when you do assert yourself, people usually don't take it well so it's back into the cycle of anger and dissociation and self doubt. was i too mean? was it right to say something? should i have stayed quiet? who's to blame? am i bad? am i being judged for messing up? will someone come defend me? it's exhausting. aka someone on reddit just entirely dismissed what i had to say but me asserting myself just leads to being told i'm pushy with my opinion when my issue was them fucking ignoring what i said and reframing it as something that makes no sense because god fucking forbid i have different information to share that i've spent time researching so i know what i'm fucking talking about but now YOU'RE making me doubt myself WITH THE MERGING. THE SHEER RAGE. AHHHHHH. and by rage i mean numbness accompanied by nausea and that uncomfortable pit in ur stomach and ur entire body feeling electrified. rage. but repressed rage. u know how it is.

[@CJ-um1dp]

The part you mentioned about being a agreeable person can be exhausting is so true. That is where I am at. Feel exhausted at not being myself. Really trying to work on this. It is challenging.

[@twlahue]

The struggle is real!

[@eternalexpansion7868]

Big miss understanding about 9s with the TV and the sweat pants. Our sloth is more energetic than literal. We will be exhausting ourselves all day putting other people’s needs and dreams above our own because we don’t want to deal with the discomfort of asserting ourselves and following our own dreams. I can spend all day hardly even taking a rest, cleaning, cooking, taking my kids to all the places they want to go even though I have amazing ideas and dreams and contributions to the world. I hardly ever watch tv or do anything remotely similar to a crossword puzzle. But I will no rock the boat by taking action on my dreams because I will do anything to preserve my inner peace. That’s the kind of sloth that 9s embody.

[@cargelock]

Just my 2 cents. I'm sure it's hard to put examples to how diverse a personality can be. I'm just learning about wings and tri-types, very interesting but up front a bit overwhelming. Personally, I find myself doing exactly what you say, but I also have times where I'm like "let me binge my show" or "let me play this video game." The balance is a bit hard for me. I either over-work with lots of energy and distract myself, or I over-distract to distract myself. So crazy. I often feel lost. Sometimes I have more clarity and will to do what's needed, others times I still have the clarity but am overwhelmed by it that I don't do what's needed (I mean I get to it eventually, but I put it off). Anyways, lots of love to all the numbers out there! Please do your best to take care and understand yourself, so that you can be better for those around you that you love and care about.

[@eelboy9017]

I agree, I walk a lot, exercise, cycle. Love to go outside for random adventures & keep myself busy by saying yes to meeting anyone who needs me. My sloth is working on the goal oriented agendas I've set.

[@katherinevrandall]

Just got to the point where you talk about the 9 in health. I believe I’ve been operating more like a 3 lately. That’s something I’ve grown into over time by God’s grace.

[@alec9276]

No, you worked for it. Good on you, you earned it.

[@justapseudonym7]

God is good ❤️ I pray for more sanctification every day, but want it as quickly as possible lol

[@mariar672]

Did anyone else have to keep pausing the video to get a cry out? Just me? Oh, ok 😭😭😭

[@stephaniefong4551]

You're not alone on this

[@jmvanzalinge5023]

I started to cry in that last bit. I don't contribute to conversations often, don't contribute my opinion often, and even when I do it's in such a soft voice that I don't even give people a chance to pay attention to what I'm saying. And yet my impression I still take from it is that it doesn't matter anyway, what I had to say wasn't important, my opinion didn't matter, no one wanted to hear me anyway. I am so blessed that my husband is the one person that stops to make sure I have a voice.

[@ddave110]

"Have a greater goal than just doing whatever it takes to minimize yourself and not be a problem. You have more to offer than that." I really needed to hear that. Thanks! I have goals, but I've been limiting them by the desire to not upset or disappoint people, so I become a zombie to escape the bad feelings of doing that.

[@Kate-ze8th]

Discovering I'm a 9 has catapulted me into an understanding of myself that I never thought was possible. This video is like the story of my life. Amazing system of thought and spirituality.

[@meganpitt]

Really great series! I love this. The only thing is that help for a 9 starts at 1:01:46 which is part of your wrap up. I need tangible tips on how to push myself.

[@twlahue]

Thanks, more videos coming, I promise. Thanks for the encouragement.

[@meganpitt]

@@twlahue Absolutely. The enneagram has been a blessing in my life. You do such a great job of explaining everything. I have a four in my life and the video you made on that has been VERY helpful!

[@twlahue]

@@meganpitt Awesome. Blessings.

[@sarahdiane7441]

Thank you for posting this. You made me cry a bit because that truly was my childhood. I was sent away so many times. No one ever wanted me and I tried so hard to be everything people wanted. I was absolutely perfect on paper. I was an A student, honors classes, did nothing but read quietly in my room or try not to be seen...my family was always fighting...usually because of my older brother. It took me a long time to realize that he was hurting me more than anyone, but I heard again and again how "those kids only had each other and could never rely on anyone else" and it was true. But I couldn't rely on him either, and he was bigger and stronger and more manipulative and I just couldn't take the silent treatment or the possibility of being alone. I got sent away from my longest ever home of 6 years when I was 14 because he graduated and never got stability after. Because I had mirrored my combative and self serving brother for so long (who I think is a very unhealthy 8w9), everyone thought i was just like him and treated me as such- even while I excelled at all the things asked of me I was always doing something wrong. Then the adults in my life would create chaos and I had to referee and walk on eggshells around their addictions and anger and incompetence. My parents let my boyfriend move in with me at 15... so I merged with him for a while, but he was weak and didn't protect me and my brother moved in, this time using (diagnosed) munchaeusens disorder and fabricated seizures to manipulate my kindness. I had already moved out and gotten my own apartment at age 16 after my parents started me on a k2 addiction, all while managing my grades and riding a bus for 3 hours a day, maintaining extracurriculars and taking care of the adults in my life. My brother caused turmoil in my life once again (probably because my boyfriend at the time was not a strong person) and my boyfriend and I broke up, and he moved back to South Dakota (where he was from...he had only met me in person twice before my parents let him move in) and my parents jumped on the chance to put me in a mental institution after my (well-deserved) breakdown. They then took my apartment, let my brother and my step-moms mother live there while keeping me locked away (as they did when I was 8-9 and grounded to my room for an entire year). I STILL didn't see my brother as the bad guy. Even after my husband (a very blunt and fearless 8w7) and I got together, I didn't want to hate my brother until I found proof of things I had forgotten about myself. Bad things. Then the anger almost tore me apart. This was long winded. My point was to show you exactly how on point you were. And what you helped me to voice, a little.

[@noopinionslikeswitzerland6966]

Hit the nail on the head, I’m always aware of how other people bring conflict into their own lives, it almost stresses me out when I see other people making things hard on themselves.

[@priscillacancel1166]

This made me really emotional. I find myself feeling like I deserve to be invisible. Sometimes I can't imagine myself having a loving marriage even though that is something that I would love to experience. It seems like 9's hold themselves back and want other people to shine but they forget that they can shine with them as well. We are all unique and no one should ever feel invisible. I teach art to kids and there's always a handful of kids that are scared to speak up and tend to minimize themselves. My goal is to make them feel safe so that they can open up and express themselves confidently. After graduating college, I was stuck for a few years. I went through lots of depression and anxiety. I have better control but I just wanted to say that their is hope. You can change your life around little by little. Find the little things that make you happy, let your inspiration guide you. This is a valuable video. Thank you.

[@BrokenSofa]

This is like a therapy session, thank you man, thank you (:

[@fernandocolin8652]

I can't believe how well you explain this. As a 9, I felt so identified with your words. Congratulations for all your amazing content!

[@robing4074]

Thank you for this, I’m 58 yrs old and only just learned about the enneagram. I’m definitely a 9. Learning about this makes me understand so much about me. I can feel your sincerity about wanting to help people and I appreciate you.

[@stacyelaine5799]

I'm 50 and just finding out this very eye opening information about myself... I'm thinking better late then never, lol Blessings on your journey 💗

[@zombiebros8138]

A philosophy professor I once had shared this walking meditation with the class and it always kind of resonated with me as a reminder to be present and aware of yourself in all of the chaos and outside noise. I have arrived, I am home. I am here, I am now. I am solid, I am free. In the ultimate I dwell. For a while I misremembered it as 'in the infinite I dwell" and that spoke to me as well. Thinking of the infinite combinations of motives, opinions, degrees of goodness and badness and ethical and moral reasonings as a 9 can be really overwhelming. Its nice to acknowledge and remove the noise to look for yourself underneath it all.

[@perjohanaxell9862]

Great stuff, thanks for the reminder. I've done and thought many of these tings. One thing I've noticed is that it helps to say what you want even or especially in the small things that don't mater much. Even if you let others have it there way at least they know you made a sacrifice fore them if you never tell people can't know that you gave something up for them. Allso fore everyone not a 9 out there. The greatest gift you can ever give us is to tell us that we matter, are needed och missed when we're away. To take the time to here us out even when it takes some time.

[@twlahue]

Good point!

[@jasonforce6467]

That was grueling to sit threw. Now I'm like an open wound. But the realization was powerful and gives me a better understanding of how to get back out of "the box".thank you

[@twlahue]

I am sorry, but all of us must sit through the challenges of the Enneagram to get healthy.

[@lesliekay11]

I so appreciate what you do for us Dr. Lahue! You're amazing and you ROCK!!❤ I Am a 9 w 1

[@shawna2154]

Thanks for making these videos. They’re really helpful. I just discovered the enneagram a few months ago, and am enjoying learning about myself as a 9. I think the ability and willingness to listen and understand all points of view is a great strength to me in my work, and is a great leadership quality. However, I see a lot that I need to work on. Your idea of “living in the inner sanctum as a way to avoid the conflicts of life” really resonates with me. I do also understand the weakness of “sloth” in my life, not as the traditional idea of laziness, but just more as apathy regarding self-care. My challenge in life is learning how and when to set strong boundaries. My sister is a solid 8 though, and she has no problem whatsoever with boundary setting!, so I learn a lot by watching her!

[@artboyintennessee]

I love it when you have those moments when you say...”Man, that’s good stuff!” And don’t feel bad! I’m a 9w1 and happy to be one but if it brings growth and helps me be more authentically me, bring it Dr Tom!! I know it’s coming from a place of help and friendship. And thank you!!

[@HeatherWinfree]

This made me feel validated and called out, heard, understood and appreciated. Thank you for sharing this Dr. LaHue!

[@twlahue]

You're very welcome

[@daydreamer2389]

Hey, I'm a 9w1 and I'm really thankful for your videos. Please keep up the work. It's quite exhausting to realize that you've "wasted" your day by daydreaming the whole day. If I'm getting asked what I've done the whole day, I can't even answer them, because I literally did nothing but daydreaming. Do you have some advice how we nines can be more assertive in achieving our goals?

[@twlahue]

Try this one, "Can 9's Be Good Leaders?" kzbin.info/www/bejne/b5bXe6mjpreao6M

[@aarich119]

Tks for asking this

[@kathystone839]

My friend introduced me to the enneagram a little over a year ago. I don’t know if I can ever repay her for it. I had no idea that I knew so little about myself. So started my journey of self discovery. I’ve uncovered some ugly and scary things. One being my absence in life. For the last 6 months I’ve been diving deeper into the enneagram. I’ve watched a ton of videos and read so much, and decided to become An enneagram coach. I love reading all the comments of people who’s lives have been changed by the enneagram. And seeing the impact on my life and relationships. I want to incorporate it into our volunteer groups at church. Thank you for being so up front and kind.

[@stephmcmillen1902]

This has been SOOO valuable to me!!! Thank you! This one video has been more valuable to me than all of the counseling sessions I received last year. Lord! I feel like you helped enlighten me about myself through a virtual platform, when my counselor didn’t even recognize me in her lobby on my 5th visit. Being a 9, I continued seeing her so she didn’t feel bad about herself. I wished, though, that I could have gotten some real help. WOW! Thank you!

[@crownandcountryside]

I appreciate all that you are saying here! I am learning a lot about Enneagram. I am a fairly solid 9-- after much debate, the only one that really fit was 9. I wanted to offer an opinion as to why we are indecisive. I just recently learned through studying Enneagram that people with more direct/blunt personalities are not necessarily rude people. I always wrote them off as having no manners, without realizing that their wiring is completely different. When I don't offer my opinion or downplay my preferences, I am doing so because I don't want to infringe on the inner peace/freedom of OTHER people. It isn't that I think my opinions are worthless or that I am worthless. But I don't want to be rude and disrespectful to their freedom to also have opinions. This is why I minimize myself. I thought that people who had opinions were aggressively disrespecting me, when they were just being extremely not Niners. 😂 Your work is helping me understand others so much! I love bingeing on your videos.

[@Jeremy-yj4og]

The best enneagram video of my type I've heard. Perhaps is it just the good moment for me to listen this video. Anyway keep going, you do an amazing job! Thank you

[@twlahue]

Thanks

[@tendopain3633]

Welp... I was fine... now I'm worried. "9s may not even like who they are married to. They may just like the energy they get from them." 😐 great.. now that's gonna circle around my 5w4 head for weeks... 😑

[@twlahue]

Sorry...

[@twlahue]

Sorry...

[@tendopain3633]

Actually, it's alright. I have an 8 and a 2 friends that just talked me out of my loop. I'm ok. Lol. I'm sorry I got dramatic on you.

[@naturewalkerwindle3011]

Im a 5w6 and my husband is 9w1 its a great balance.😏🍵

[@steezyk5265]

I’ve taken the test 3 times and I got 9 twice and 6 once. About 70% of what you’ve said in this video applies to me. I am definitely thinking I’m a type 9 and eager to learn more. A few of the things you said didn’t relate to me at all but I guess no one personality test can nail someone 100%. Thanks for the video!

[@_lexm.oon_3002]

The test didn't really help me identify with any type I would suggest reading through the descriptions of all the types. :)

[@kailynscott5479]

I had never realized how much I zone out... wow. I totally did that today while at lunch with my family.

[@nadianewman6649]

Thank you for this, I’ve been thinking a lot about the topics you mentioned in the video recently. Even as a young person I’ve always found it strange how I’ve never had any particular ‘goals’ and feeling I’m unambitious, lazy. Recently I was in a conversation where we were describing our ideal futures and it surprised me how others had visualised their ‘ideal’ futures in such detail. When my only particular goal was to be mentally content. It’s easy for me to be okay with very little but when I’m ‘doing’ and feeling like a 3 I feel so great.

[@tericalynn5134]

I could have written this.

[@robsin7]

Wow! I usually don't get too involved in personality tests but this eerily described me. I'm thinking i'm a 9w8. Thanks for making this video.

[@twlahue]

Glad you found this video.

[@crownandcountryside]

I'm definitely a 9w8. I love being a 9. Naps and rewatching the same movies are my life goal. 😂

[@mrmeiii5666]

Hi, I’m a 9. I had a, to me, spiritual awakening back in December. I began experiencing daily anxiety. Horrible panic attacks. I woke 1 day and said to myself “wow I don’t need to live like this”. It was the most empowering thing I’ve ever experienced. Is this a common thing? My whole body filled up with what I call love of self. I physically felt pain taken from me. (I was extremely bullied daily as a child, physically and mentally)

[@meltv341]

Charles Balz same feeling but i always go back being a solid 9

[@mrmeiii5666]

@No username thanks for comment! I’m still going strong. The awakening has stuck with me. And last year was the first year in memorable history that I didn’t go through episodes of severe depression. Still feel love of self too. Good luck to you on your journey 🙏

[@sunilpsych1]

Thank you Tom! This is pure gold. Extra-ordinarily helpful. You described me so well. I am learning to wake up more and bring to life the calling of God in more rather than fall asleep to it. Also I can see how much my inner fears have held me back in the past.

[@AmberBoutilier]

I have come a long way but wow it's hard work.

[@numeroflip]

Wow, man I have never seen such well articulated video. Thank you, you would be surely an amazing teacher :)

[@twlahue]

Thanks for the encouraging words...blessings.

[@carawen99]

Could you do a video sometime on healthy relationship dynamics between a 9 and an 8? I find your videos on enneagram to be the most clear and insightful, and I feel like I'm really starting to understand myself better from listening to this. Thanks for putting these videos together.

[@twlahue]

I have had several requests for relationships videos. I will consider that. My daughter Grace is an 8w7 married to a 9w8. She would be an expert on this combination.

[@MsJamiegregory]

What's wrong if I just want to get through life and get along with others? I don't see why that is such a bad thing. Living a peaceful and productive life isn't a bad thing. We don't all have to do these great and amazing things to prove that our life is worthy of living.

[@twlahue]

Living a peaceful and productive life is a good thing. You don't have to do "great" or "amazing" things to make life worth living. My recommendation is only to not go to sleep to life and to be present to life. To know yourself and what your goals are for life. For balance, try watching my Type 3 videos. After all, 9's go to 3 in health. Blessings.

[@JuliaJayATOP]

No but someone has to put up with your fake boring as as pp or friend

[@TréSentel09]

Wow man. Not sure how to feel... This guy is breaking me down to a t. I feel pressured to change my life now.. but its so hard to assert your will, desires, and plans in life. He's right. I hate being a problem to my family or friends, or anybody for that matter. Im currently 20 yrs of age and i been feeling every bit of pressure this man is saying. It definitely feels more like life is happening to me. I typically try to maneuver in a way where there are less issues for me or the next person, but somehow i still get hit with shit ton of stress to deal with because something wildy unexpected happens to me.

[@studiojake5253]

It's wonderful you're learning about your enneagram type at a young age. I'm 72 and just finally learned which ennea type I am (a 9). You can bring awareness to the various characterastics of the type nine (as opposed to having no choice *because of* being unaware of the nine's characterastics). And you can pay attention to what you are feeling ... as opposed to going numb to your feelings. Just by being aware, you will more and more be able to show up for you, as opposed to just going along to get along. So, maybe a mindfulness practice could be helpful?

[@twlahue]

Thanks for the comment. Just stick with it.

[@mcbutter9]

I've been stuck my whole life as a 9w8 and I just recently found out. I tried to convince myself that it was placebo but everything about a 9w8 explains me to a T. I had a lot of trauma in my childhood and internalized it so much that I literally blocked it all out... I don't remember my childhood basically at all... I don't even remember one of the houses that I lived in and it sucks. so much. It's hard to work through trauma if you don't even remember it. :(

[@dennissandner5711]

Damn... that hit really hard, I thought exactly the same thing. At a birthday party of my father, we had a family dinner with close friends and as they talked about their childhood from back in the 70s. I sat there reflecting on good memories of my childhood and here I am 22 of age and there was absolutely nothing... I know I had good times but I simply can't quote or remember them anymore the way I want to.

[@adriennembennett]

Wow! I had no idea forgetting your childhood was tied to being a 9. That explains why my siblings remember so many more details from our childhood than I do. I have a few kind of snapshots of incidents and feelings but not really any full length stories, like you said. The older I get the more I forget High School and College too. I told myself it was because I’m doing a good job of living in the present moment and not getting stuck in the past ☺️

[@mazinjamal_]

This fucked me up, in the best way. I laughed, I cried, I don’t even know what to do with myself.

[@suzslag]

I've been investigating E'gram for a little over a year ... I test all over the place ... can't really identify what my motivation is ... maybe I'm just agreeing with you now ... but from hearing this conversation I'm really strongly seeing 9! The idea that we have many of the characteristics of our parents/close people helps me understand why I change so easily/seamlessly.

[@kendallmorgan6186]

Suz Slag I’ve read that 9s are often mistyped. I have a friend that introduced me to enneagrams and she would go on and on about how amazing it is and how she never felt so known in her life. I took the test and was typed a 5. When I read it, I was so let down, bc it was nothing like me, so I just thought it was stupid. Now here I am, 5 years later, and I took the test again and got a 9 and I feel like everything about it is so me. It’s eerie.

[@wendidorfeld8618]

This is so helpful. I especially like the comment about not wanting to change others because I don't want to be changed! I always thought I was hands-off because it was the good thing to do. I saw all my family "working on" other members as I saw it, trying them to get them to change their minds, or make other decisions from the ones they were making. I thought of it as a virtue, not as an avoidance mechanism.

[@JessicaGCook]

So glad i found this video! Never have i felt more seen, heard, and understood! Every single thing just hit the bulls eye. That's crazy. Here I've been thinking I'm an anomaly, and now i realize I'm not. I'm 50 and I'm just waking up to life and to who i am. I'm beginning to understand myself better but i have some major ground to cover, a lifetimes worth. One of the last points that was made was about aches and pains relating to suppression of feelings and emotions. I developed frozen shoulder about 6 months ago and it's slowly getting better. I have heard that frozen shoulder is an indicator of perimenopause, so that could be a connection. But about 2 weeks ago i developed what i believe to be bursitis in my hip. It's awful, painful and keeps me awake at night. I've never had it before and was thinking, "I've cut out most sugar, which i know causes inflammation, so what gives??" Could definitely be suppression of my feelings. I'm at level expert on that one! Thank you for this video!! This is making a difference for me and others I'm sure. I'll be listening to it a few more times.

[@JessicaGCook]

And about the falling asleep-that resonated😂 my husband's family is really high strung (to me anyway), there's always drama and lots of conflict, raised voices and arguments. While I'm never a napper at home, at their house I often excuse myself to the living room and fall asleep on their sofa! I've always known it's an avoidance tactic, self preservation, but I didn't realize it's a universal 9 thing😂😂

[@twlahue]

Glad you found my channel.

[@jennifertoth6136]

I was seriously questioning if I was a 9 until I watched this. I haven’t even finished & I am seriously laughing because you are describing me to a T.

[@twlahue]

Awesome.

[@martinecochrane]

I HATE it when people talk over me! It does confirm that what I think is not important!

[@thisbish6075]

thank you. I scored above 75% of 6 enneagrams and I felt lost until watching this.

[@twlahue]

Glad to help.

[@mostfrozenburrito]

I took a lot of notes for myself on this video and I was crying for so much of it. I know I’ve been alive in my life. I’ve expressed my opinions before and it feels so good to do that. I’ve kept myself in a situation I don’t want to be in for a year and it’s torture because I am dead to myself. It’s like we try to kill with kindness but it’s ourselves we are killing. There’s things that I want to do but am afraid to commit to because that opens me up for disappointing others when I already am by not doing it and I’m settled into my routines and numb to the fact that this isn’t the life I even want to live. I want to be known and loved but I don’t even know myself. This video is what I needed. Painfully what I needed

[@YouveGotaType]

Hey there, if you'd like more in-depth insight on type 9s, I've got a great video here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/mpy8g2mYlM2Ig7M

[@pattylancaster4110]

Definitely a nine. I see myself as Andy Griffith. I once was a nobody " pain and misery" is how my mother labeled me. My sister called me the black sheep in the family. I divorced my family, kicked them out of my life by the age of 20. Moved in with a woman that helped me find the help I needed to help me mature. Years, decades pass before I learned to trust and love myself. A referee. I'm content with the love I've found. Alone but not lonely.

[@adriennembennett]

I’ve really been enjoying your videos. Very helpful! I’m a 9 with balanced wings. I had to laugh when you started listing all the people and characters who are 9s because they’re some of my favorite! I never knew why I could relate so easily to them

[@corinnachandler8663]

Thank you so much for this video! I'm gonna watch it twice so I can gain the info but never act on it. Just kidding, hopefully. I very much relate to almost all of what you said except that I love it when other people are inspired and follow their heart. I'm envious even. I do have passion and I do have goals but I am also complacent and do what's in front of me often. I have a hard time saying no and feel like there is always so many obstacles in my path I don't have the energy to climb over them. I think I need to just clear the space and say no to everyone that seeks to disturb my peace. That's how I feel when I'm alone and then when they walk in the room I'm ready to do whatever. Because I get swept up in the energy and it seems fun in the moment. Or I want to help them or I need their help for my needs. But then when I'm alone I'm angry at everything that takes my focus away from what I really want. But then I'm the one who takes my focus away from what I really want so I am angry at me. But that's not helpful, I need to accept and love myself just like I love others. Well today is a new day to achieve my own goals and say no to things that don't 'spark joy'. Wish me luck!

[@Mom_Luvs_Tech]

I REALLY needed to hear this. I can’t that you enough. I think this explains why I can’t make it through the struggle phase of any relationship. I allow people that ask too much or make me responsible for their feelings into my life. I just don’t know how to handle it.

[@kaileygreenwood4909]

I'm in this video and I dont like it 😂 Seriously though, thank you for these

[@laceyferrel8123]

I am DYING over the not wanting to do the errand after work and saying "o I forgot!!" This whole video is amazing

[@KJAlways]

Dr Phil McGraw says keeping the peace at all costs is not authentic. I consider myself authentic, so I cried. I start working on finding my voice with the recommendations for personal growth for Nines. I became anger because I realized I kept the peace at all cost at my expense. The anger that was so absent most of my life became a part of who I am. I rather die than go back to being the doormat I was!!!

[@twlahue]

That is great. Good for you.

[@lalouettefluette7832]

Haha was looking for a calm, blank, enriching video to help me calming down before sleeping because I’m too frustrating and on my nerves to go to bed... then I ended up realizing I’m actually ANGRY because I ONCE AGAIN let someone walk on my agenda because I thought pleasing her was the priority which caused me not to achieve my goals again and feel like a self-criticizing bull :)) Thanks a lot for this helpful and eye-opening video! God bless

[@CarolynsLoveRickshaw]

Your videos have helped me get rid of a “Sara” just yesterday. I had to break up the friendship because she wanted more of my time and attention and I realized I don’t even really like her. That’s probably why she felt our friendship wasn’t reciprocal.

[@jonathanthomasdrums]

My gosh this is good! So many things resonate throughout the whole dang thing! Kept getting blown away haha. A big one was that nines can typically loose themselves, who they are and what they want to/in others. What spoke to me the most was how as a believer and with my up bringing in church, Ive done those very same “loosing my identity” things with God!! (Cue light bulb going off). It has always been hard to think, “what do I want for my day/life/etc.?” My desires always had to be His. Im learning different. Now I have also delt with scrupulosity ocd since my high school years. But in learning more about the nine’s “way”, Im also seeing the scrupulosity tendencies for what they are more clearly as well, if that makes sense. The relationship between the two is incredible to me. Not that they are the same things all the time-But both tendencies seem to play off each other. I think the relationship between the enneagram and OCD/other disorders would be an interesting topic!

[@twlahue]

Thanks for your encouragement.

[@lydmtymex]

This video appeared on my feed and I ignored it because I was so sure I was a type 6... But then I read my books again, something always seemed off to me about type 6w5 self preservation instinct... And then it hit me, I am a 9, full blown 9w8 sometimes 9w1 and then today this video came into my suggestions feed again and I watch it and I am SOBBING. Thank you for making it and explain it to me with the words I needed to hear. I'm subscribing. Thank you again.

[@chrisphillips5722]

Tom. Good Stuff! Thanks for being my friend. You are Special...and so am I. Lol. Cheers

[@twlahue]

Rock on!

[@GurraGo]

Wow at 24 min 45 s "Whatsever in front of me is worth doing (...)" . That is crazy, and I mean crazy, accurate.

[@DEMartin673]

So I just found I’m a 9. I’m just trying to take it all in. Little overwhelmed as well😳

[@carawilks870]

Amazing to listen to - extremely motivating, uplifting, tough at times to take, however thorough and HUGELY generous - THANK YOU!

[@jessnungaray]

Woooowwwww. I just discovered I am a 9. I had a traumatic child hood where I witnessed domestic violence until the age of 11 and I always put my wants and needs aside so I wouldn’t upset my mom because I felt she was already going through a lot. Now as an adult I struggle with this constantly but my wing is an 8 so I am also confrontational when I need to be. I hope to continue to work on myself so I can create healthy boundaries and settle the anger I feel so often when I let others walk all over me. Thank you for your videos!

[@rebeccawoods4488]

Your videos are amazing! I am a 9w1 (married to a 3w4) and I so appreciate the loving way in which you deliver your message. There is so much truth in your words. Thank you, and blessings to you!

[@user-nr7wu1pr6x]

Rebecca Woods curious, do you guys find the pairing of 9 and 3 difficult? I found as a 3 I am always pushing and that can cause my 9 wife to shut down and retreat.. no ill intent just natural 3 go, perform, produce behavior

[@rebeccawoods4488]

J Well, we are fairly new to the Enneagram so I believe the key for us was to listen to an explanation of all the types and then to zero in on our own (listening together). Of course, being on a path of integration is also essential. There is more compassion and understanding of ourselves and each other now. You can make a great pair and leave a wonderful legacy with good communication. BTW please let your wife explain her point of view and don’t interrupt.😬😉👏🏼

[@twlahue]

Glad you found my channel.

[@kendallmorgan6186]

I’m a 9w8 married to a 3w4 and it can be difficult bc he is so goal driven and does everything to perfection. However, I am more “go with the flow.” Additionally, he lives to work whereas I work to live. I work so I can have comforts in life, but work is his comfort so that’s weird. On a sweet note, he is constantly trying to better our lives. He does tend to focus so much on work that I feel sometimes neglected. But since he is motivated by tasks (which I learned in these videos), I told him to treat me as a task. Every job he’s ever had, he reads multiple books and tries to be the best ever, so I gave him the task of doing that for me. So he is about to read and listen to a ton of information about type 9s so he can love me better. That is what makes my 3 husband amazing. I’m glad to be married to a 3.

[@user-nr7wu1pr6x]

Kendall Morgan wow, that was a beautiful description of the a relationship between a 3 and a 9. I experienced something very similar, and I def can relate to how your husband sees the world. Question, do you as a 9 ever feel pushed around by his desire to always be in motion/production mode? Does it make you feel irritated because sometimes you just want to relax?

[@belenlg5978]

Thanks for the videos! I'm a 9-1 who is going through therapy to be more assertive at work plus fix my procrastination-work binges cycles. I have also perfectionist tendencies, we are trying CBT with that. Anyway, the enneagram plus therapy are being life changing! I'm learning to stand up for myself at work, set boundaries, figure out what I want and who I am... Today I had a little discussion with my boss regarding workload distribution. I am the one that gets usually dumped everything and does free overtimd. For once I stood my ground and said I cant take so many projects. not only didnt get fired but I got an offer for more money in exchange for overtime. I rejected it and managed to get my workload reduced, which is what I originally wanted. Proud I stood my ground

[@YouveGotaType]

Hey there Belen, if you'd like more in-depth insight on type 9s, I've got a great video here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/mpy8g2mYlM2Ig7M

[@milissamccracken2250]

Wow, thank you for this video. I have just discovered the Enneagram this week in a live Zoom I attended. I am definitely a Type 9. Everything that you mentioned as a 9 trait, I was shaking my head in agreement. I am in my 60’s so yes, I have done multiple personality test through out my life. I have always known and am called by my family as the “ Peacemaker” so that part was not a surprise. But hearing some the other traits really resonated with me. All of this time during the Covid isolation has really messed me up. I am now realizing that my life is in a really in a blah, or bad state. Your line about a 9 being the “ Referee” observing the game but not a player in the game really hit home for me. My AHA moment. That is exactly how I feel about my life right now. I keep hoping the see a better way of living my life and not just settling for what has always been because its routine.

[@Rylan42]

I started looking into the enneagram a while ago but chucked it up to being "not for me" as I couldn't find one specific number to place myself since I felt like i could honestly be all of them, till a friend of mine told me that "you're probably.. no, you're definitely a nine." I cried while listening to this. There are so many things in this that fit me perfectly, and a lot of them are things that I was blind to or didn't realize about myself.. Thank you for making this video.

[@rogerbob5594]

35:10 my catchy phrase that I love is "Every dog gets it's day" and "What goes around comes around"

[@sweetpeasandyarrowaranchdi8327]

9's don't need drugs and alcohol to escape reality and go to a happy place. We do it on our own, whenever we want. I've never tried drugs, but alcohol makes me feel weird and messes with my peace, comfort, and it might let the anger out. 😂

[@KJAlways]

Sometimes we do talk but we get overlooked as if we did not say anything. What are we suppose to do?

[@twlahue]

The struggle is real.

[@JuliaJayATOP]

Hmmmm try again the rest of the world try’s until we are heard wake up...there has to be fight before the struggle...You are your own worst enemy number nine coming from an eight

[@lr8150]

I love how your most popular upload is help for type 9s 😂 guess we really need it

[@holliemercer]

This is such great information! It’s so me! I find myself laughing at the stupid things I do that you are right about and sad for the things that I haven’t change that I knew were a problem.

[@nina_frel]

I never felt so understood in my whole life. It's scary!😄It's like you're talking right about me.

[@msanu3307]

Thanks for putting it out there that 9s want peace and keep peace

[@jazminekdeng]

This video has been incredibly informative for me as a 9. Thank you so much for taking the time

[@ferdi200204]

Thank you for giving us this perspective on ourselves. All I can take out of this is growth and it’s all thanks to your words ❤️

[@mindfulnessfinanciero]

You just described me perfectly! I recently started to learn about the enneagram in an attempt to figure myself out, and at first I thought that I was a 1 wing 9 but nop, I am sure I am rather a 9 wing 1…I just subscribed to your channel and will continue to learn…thanks so much!

[@limzhiyang248]

Thank you so much, Doctor Tom, this is very helpful, I will seek to fully engage in life, and reveal myself.