The Enneagram: Help For Type 4

Transformational Enneagram & Relationship Coaching
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Dr. Tom LaHue is a graduate of Florida Christian College. He holds 3 Master's Degrees including an MDiv from Liberty Univ. His Doctoral degree is from Grace College and Seminary. He is also a certified Marriage Coach. He and his wife Traci have been married since 1991. They are the proud parents of 5 children and 5 grandchildren.
#enneagram, EnneagramTypes, CliftonStrengthsFinder, PersonalityAssessment, self-discovery, Strengths-Based Development, Understanding Personality, Personal Growth, Enneagram Test Results, Unlock Your Potential, Mindfulness, SelfAwareness, SelfImprovement, LifeCoach, UnlockPotential, Motivation, strength, Relationships, love, soulmate, self-love, love yourself, intimacy, emotional connections, dating, communication, healthy relationships, true love, power of love, relationships, marriage, love language, love quotes, love tips, love and happiness, trust, love and relationships, love advice, unconditional love, happy, love, Myers-Briggs,

[@Fuar11]

A 4 in a nutshell "I want to stand out but I don't want people to notice me!"

[@twlahue]

Right...ok!

[@cinderella4499]

Fuarian hahahahaha

[@meh5069]

Wow.... me. That is me in a nutshell 😂

[@izlofton97]

Sorry

[@cwright821]

*nods feverishly*

[@andromedasmoons3647]

"avoid putting things off until you're in the right mood." ouch 😭😂

[@-mirsken-]

andromedasmoons I’m never in the right mood so i never do it😌😳

[@EstephaniaLeBaron-Rios]

andromedasmoons my life has been on a stop. Since this whole shut-down, I have not been able to take actions in my life goals because I don’t feel them anymore. 💁🏻‍♀️

[@nicolelyon2530]

@@EstephaniaLeBaron-Rios Same here! Trying to work through it and keep moving forward...!

[@alexandrineb7752]

Daaaaaamn 😩

[@LeahZ777]

THIS is so me!

[@caroweenie]

The “avoid having long conversations with yourself” dropped my jaw

[@TiggyTiger4]

Talk to your cat instead.

[@belorama8]

@@TiggyTiger4 oh yeah! We all have cats right? Headcannon all 4s have at least 1 cat.

[@cinderella4499]

TiggyTiger4 😄😁😄😂😃

[@TV-wy1py]

Couldn't wait for this video to end so I can have that long conversation with myself but guess that's not happening anymore😳

[@kyleeb4724]

Carolina Galindo right?? i feel like i can’t process new information and concepts without having an hour-long discussion about it with myself

[@rainswirl9866]

HELP SUMMARY 1) do not pay so much attention to emotions they come and go, so let them pass 2) avoid putting things off until you are in the right mood 3) think about the way things could be then bring them into the real world 4) just do it 5) stay connected to others do not push and pull 6) show up you are already ready to take on the world 7) practice self-discipline 8) avoid lengthy convos in your own imaginations 9) talk to someone 10) serve others 11) refuge the tendency to dig up the past 12) resist the tendency to take things personally (let it go, people are not thinking of you they are doing their own life) 13) be aware of how harsh you talk to yourself 14) be present in life

[@ILUVYouBobby]

Good stuff

[@Jonesy3461]

Perfect summary! Thank you!!

[@madhvishukla4332]

Thanks

[@nigelgericke2533]

Thanks very much !

[@lena38304]

Thank you😊

[@mollymassett7495]

You know you are a 4 when even goth is too stereotypical 😂

[@maximiliangonzalez3915]

lol same, i'm sitting here like "i'm not a goth, i'm a metalhead"

[@zsauffi]

Because it is 😳 with millions of followers

[@alisonschmitt9533]

Ha, yes!

[@christinalemar8595]

Goth is overdone and reminds me of teenagers in hot topic. I like goth light. Which means I love all black with taste but not costumey

[@nikkilengyel]

I laughed out loud when he said that. I feel so called out. I've never been "goth", but I was INTO it when I was 15-16. I WANTED to be goth. I dyed my hair black, wore all black clothes, liked gargoyles and stuff. I looked like something out of the Addams Family.

[@qazxswe10]

Me while watching this: okay but I AM different!!!

[@JValentineV]

Same here, but not the same ! LoL

[@JW-vs4rd]

Lol same but not.

[@kevinghl2286]

Haha

[@AspergersversusNeurotypicals]

been labeled and informed i'm different, weird, the most creative person they've met, amazing, etc, so I tend to think I am different, I guess. I mean, we build our identity with feedback as well as internal desires.

[@chantalszemenyei1682]

Hosanna Mullen 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

[@PianoGirl091]

Here's the thing. It's kind of hard to NOT be convinced there's something different about you when you've been treated your whole life by most people as if there is. And the really hard thing is when you have no real explanation for it. I've gone from "Am I ugly?" to "Am I autistic?" to "Do I just have really bad social skills that I need to improve on?" to "Maybe I'll never know, maybe it's just supposed to be this way." It's strange, though. You're right, I DO want to be different, but not in THIS way, not in a way that makes me out to be a complete and utter social pariah. I want to be different in a way that's uniquely me, but in a way that wouldn't make people speak about me in an overly negative light. Not "She's a weirdo, avoid her" but "She marches to the beat of her own drum." If that makes sense. It's all very difficult to explain, and honestly, I feel dumb for even trying. Anyway, thanks for the video. I've never felt so called out and disgusted with myself in all my life.

[@happyfairy8121]

i really to this comment on a deep level

[@crowmedicine3890]

I also relate deeply to this comment. From my very first memory, I KNEW I was different. Even the people closest to me have never understood me. And clearly there was something "wrong" with me. Being an empath hasn't helped because I could feel everything that everyone feels about me. I think what I came here to say, is that I can relate to how you feel, and I feel sad that you're disgusted with yourself. There's nothing about you to feel disgusted about. You're just misunderstood.

[@RutiCelli]

I’m a 4 and I relate. The last part of “disgusted with myself”- this is where you can actually embrace yourself and tell yourself that you are exactly who you are meant to be in order to reflect to the people around you what they need to see about themselves. You are also exactly who you are meant to be because the soul connection to the personality is where all the magic is. Being a 4 for me means- being able to contain a hell of a lot and I know for a fact that my soul chose that. I hope this helps 💗

[@naeslay6846]

I have definitely questioned if I was autistic.

[@magentarose6659]

You said what I've been thinking!

[@RandolphTheWhite1]

I like collecting all of my painful memories, and then I just soak in them. I Love how much I hate how I feel when I do that.

[@twlahue]

Wow... that is so different than being a 7w6. :-0

[@nique6382]

Can relate haha!

[@nique6382]

@shlbs91 - totally relate to this haha

[@marylongoria8633]

I second that comment. But what I don't like about being a 4 is how selfish we are. When our personality is described it makes us sound like awful people. Im not saying I disagree with this description.

[@dmsjt5181]

I think this is why I like baths so much 😂😂😂

[@lottiem5877]

let's all become friends because maybe we can all actually understand each other

[@foottoast4235]

I wonder what hobbies/interests 4s tend to have, any weebs out there

[@poevideo123]

@@foottoast4235 Sleeping mostly, Can we consider daydreaming a hobbie?

[@abriannaaponi8841]

@@foottoast4235 they're usually artists .. but usually something Unique ...

[@carlymarie1978]

I would love to find more weirdos who share my interests. I’m all over the place and it seems like no one wants to talk about; psychology, Jung, astrology, dreams, consciousness, parallel dimensions, religion, simulation theory, AI, Greek mythology, Dostoyevsky, etc. haha. Those are my favorite topics that I tell my kids about because they’re the only ones who won’t walk away. 😂

[@djmfinland]

@@foottoast4235 Music, but of course in a way of trying to be extraordinarily unique. Recently I went so far that I tried to invent completely new music genre :D

[@miss.asht0n]

"they separate themselves from others but that's what they are most afraid of"

[@sarah-anneperry6932]

I was listening to a Bob Ross painting tutorial and he said : ''if I acted normal nobody would know me''. Now that's sums up a 4!

[@erikakronvold4211]

Wow Just wow

[@quuqeemonster]

Wow - so great

[@alisonschmitt9533]

Truth.

[@saelzano]

30 years of therapy in an hour

[@monicawoodwardcreative]

Yes that 👆🏻 Way better than years of therapy and self help books. This was completely spot on (for me). Thx Dr. Tom - Super helpful ❤️

[@wildfleurgirl]

I know right!?

[@kyleeb4724]

"be self-disciplined, sleep at regular hours-" im watching this at 4:30 in the morning :/

[@melissaphillis7247]

My daughter is a 4...never has had a good sleeping pattern....

[@addie2747]

yo im reading this at 4:13am :/

[@kimberlysleeth9084]

4:57am! 🤣

[@DrLiaraTSoni]

Im here at 3:47 am, lol

[@nerdyoutube7847]

Try 6:30am

[@alisonschmitt9533]

The Enneagram seems to be made for us Fours. We are at the forefront of longing to know ourselves and others, and be known by ourselves and others.

[@haileyoslund]

And live these things out authentically!

[@charlottefonda7285]

“The dark makes the light that much lighter” yesssssss as a 4 I rlly do wanna fully experience the emotions that I go through because i feel like it makes me understand myself so much better

[@wessvnn1003]

yep, balance is key!

[@hecatesnightfall9121]

As a 4w5 I’m not super concerned with appearing different from others on the outside, but what matters to me is knowing I’m truly different from most people on the inside. Knowing that the work I do matters and it will make changes for the betterment of humanity is a big thing for me to. Although I have to be very careful I don’t get stuck in melancholy states thinking about past disappointments, usually I do pretty well though. ☺️

[@tanyalewis-mulvey1969]

🙌🏼 every single word 🙌🏼

[@tiyahlogic]

same

[@gozdenur9776]

I see you are a parent, must be such a lovely feeling, i’m a 4w5 too and i think i will never be able to marry and have kids because of my characteristics. I am trying to get used to this idea of being probably single all of my life.

[@niki_singing]

I’m a 4w5 as well and this is so true for me:’) not getting stuck in melancholy states wow exactly...

[@user-xr9tt1to9l]

right!! haha I think sometimes I get dressed thinking… hmmm will they notice I am different and I matching them enough to hide within them. haha

[@AE-gm6hn]

I have an enneagram book and fours have the longest "traits of unhealthy fours" part among all types. And the longest advices part.

[@gozdenur9776]

Wow that made me smile loudly

[@staceycowan8391]

What book is this?

[@AE-gm6hn]

@@staceycowan8391 it is a book which is written in turkish and i guess it doesn't have any translated version, sorry. But the name of it is: Kişiliğin DNA'sı by İsmail Acarkan

[@BPopovBG]

I see what you did there. Y.A.N.A (Doctor who reference)

[@danarevalo]

@@staceycowan8391 The book I have found most helpful as of now is The Wisdom of the Enneagram, by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson...

[@jessieg3305]

“The ordinary-dressed people - ugh. The people trying to stand out - oh please” This is so me 😂. Same with all of it, thanks for the insights! Well done. I’ll be listening to the others eventually.

[@mycomage]

These "ordinary-dressed people"... You mean "muggles"

[@jessieg3305]

mycomage 😂

[@cherithmarsalese4491]

This is by far THE best verbal explanation of the FOUR! It made me laugh every time you spoke a hard truth and then followed it up with "that probably stung". Thank you for taking the time to make this video, and for the honesty at the end.

[@twlahue]

Glad you found my channel.

[@Ariel_is_a_dreamer]

"Avoid putting things off until you're in the right mood" Me and my totally random daily not-routine: *flinching *

[@aileethefirst8094]

Fours may try on different personalities Me: *thinks about all the movie/comic book character personalities I've tried on*

[@twlahue]

Thanks for sharing that.

[@alisonschmitt9533]

Yup!

[@Diniecita]

Yeah I tried that too in HS. I think its part of learning who you are.

[@user-xr9tt1to9l]

I seem to try on my friends personas too haha. I always said Im like a chameleon..I can fit into any group if I need to. As a 4w5 I bet I could be a really good investigator. hahaha. Undercover Cop perhaps. hahaha

[@Heleninini]

18:47 i go to an art school and everyone is a 4 and its a fashion show everyday lmao

[@Joshuarcade]

This made me smile big

[@sarahannemunson2687]

Bro me too

[@JulietTheGirl]

Daaah :) Today I saw a lady dressed in my favorite color scheme, wearing quite a unique coat which I loved!! Plus having a cotton bag with a cat on it.. she must be type 4!!! Haha

[@crowmedicine3890]

Oh, I LOVE that! You found your people!

[@alicesolblom266]

I am almost in tears right now, this is just so spot on it is painfully beautiful, but also relieving and sad all at the same time. Specially the last part about what makes us healthy and how doing the mundane and loosing ourself is what is needed for us to thrive. I am not working now because I honestly find being a 4 so painful I struggle through life. I have yet to find a path to walk and so I jump from one thing to another trying to find my place but I never fit in, but at the same time I don't want to fit in. I long to have a work to go to, a routine in my life. I have a deep instinct that this is what I need, but it is hard to stop the marinating in ones own feelings, misery and uniqueness. This video is so helpful because now I got confirmation that this instinct is right and that I have to keep working towards letting go of my ego and pride and find freedom in the ordinary. Thank you so so much for this brilliant video

[@TALIACORNELIUS]

I feel the same way. Like I never really "relax". Because I'm always changing, moving, searching for that self, that community, connection, belonging that feels "right"

[@pixxie__]

Ironic because this video DOES make me feel understood for once haha

[@twlahue]

Awesome

[@Riverdragonastrology]

Does anyone else feel like they get younger the older they get? The more I accept and love my deep, brooding, moody self the more fun it is to be lighthearted about my personality traits. I don’t feel like I really need to explain myself so much any more. I’m getting more used to drawing boundaries with people. Creativity seems to flow easier the more I let go of shame. I’m a 4w5 INFP

[@Stephanie1Jackson]

I’m a 4 musician. This totally makes sense. Every good song I’ve ever written has come out of my emotions.

[@emilybrantley1002]

Stephanie, I have been scrolling through these comments thinking, "I have found my people. Too bad I don't know any of them personally. Oh, wait. That's MY Stephanie." I love that you found this video too, and I'm so grateful that I know you. :)

[@dmn4747]

Man what a ride. It was a bunch of ouches interspersed with bursting into tears of healing and being seen. What a 4 comment. 😂😂😂

[@cherylwilliams4793]

I literally started crying watching this. Believing that I'll never be understood? Yup! Over-identifying with painful feelings? Yup! Not believing a "personality test" could ever peg me? Yup! And then to be so precisely pegged??!! It gives me hope. Thank you for this invaluable insight, and for the care and interest with which you present it. I'm so grateful.

[@Jemimastar28]

This is all so accurate! But the reason why I can sometimes withdraw is because a lot of people talk about things that is so boring to me. Fx my parents always talk about work stuff and the small things and never the big in life.. When I’m sitting next to them I can feel the life getting sucked out of me :/ But now I’m in a spiritual group where I can get to talk about and engage in meaningful topics :) I’m happy about that. Greetings from Denmark!

[@Woodstockfly8]

Thank you so much for your wisdom. My wife is a 4, and I Been having a hard time lately really trying to connect and understand her. This really puts puts some things into perspective. Like, you don't even know. Thank you

[@crowmedicine3890]

I seriously commend you for doing the work, and your best, to understand her. That's a beautiful thing.

[@Diniecita]

Awww, its romantic to want to know her. She wants that Im sure. Love her for her difference. Also a good book recommendation is “captivating” by John and Staci Eldridge.

[@LilacSnowBun]

It’s super nice that you are researching her. :)

[@kayfeelzwhatitiz]

Am I the only one that looks in the comments in hopes of a really good friend?? Hahaha

[@thomaswaters9962]

Nope, not alone! Especially on a video like this I'm looking for someone to connect with

[@kayfeelzwhatitiz]

Yeah same! What’s your type?

[@alisonschmitt9533]

Me too ❤️

[@noturbo]

I will be your friend

[@mimiroselorraway274]

6 minutes in and you've made me cry because you've articulated my love of the dark moments so well. 16 minutes in and I'm actually cry-laughing because I have never had anyone insult me with such perfection. Thank you for this absolute roller coaster of emotions, as a 4, you know I'm loving this.

[@morganpierce6163]

I just found out that I am a 4. I have been soul searching my whole life. I have been told I am weird since I was a kid. I have had over 30 different jobs and four different career certifications in an effort to find where I belong, where I can contribute and find meaning. I have studied everything from quantum mechanics to psychology to art, biology, foreign languages, and world religions trying to understand the nature of existence and find my purpose. I am literally starting school again in a month to become an Addiction Counselor… oh and I am an artist and writer… I am genuinely relieved to find out that there are others who feel like this too. Thank you so much for this video.

[@johnstone7763]

That's the sign of a confident well integrated 4, likely with lots of 8 energy, rare type. Expressing your creativity publicly, writing or otherwise is key to healing yourself and many others.

[@susannalonnrot1774]

Wow this was so spot on. When we 4s sleep, excercise and eat regularly life is SO MUCH easier for us and people around us. That advice was so so important. What makes is hard is that it might be more difficult for us to stick to a routine than "normal" people hahah 🙈

[@whispercafe1515]

The whole idea of fours having contradictory thoughts, emotions and actions - inwardly and outwardly - makes so much sense and makes me feel very understood.

[@staceylynnash]

This was helpful for me! I'm a 4 feeling bad/beating myself up for how I am. I feel like I'm not alone now. Thank you!

[@twlahue]

So glad to hear.

[@Joshuarcade]

What's helped me is learning to treat myself like someone I really care about...patience is the school I'm in ATM...its hard!

[@crct2004]

And my entire house is decorated with things with meaning, lol, family heirlooms, my paintings etc, lol - wow, just wow!

[@twlahue]

😊

[@crowmedicine3890]

Same here.

[@holyspark5438]

Working on emotional literacy, state management techniques & understanding the super ego has been invaluable in helping this 4w5 get healthy & move steadily towards expressing the 1... self discipline in the ‘every day’ (very challenging to 4’s) leads to growth & freedom from the confines of the 4 construct & makes being a 4 a deeply meaningful, exquisitely beautiful & fun experience xxx

[@MitchellM929]

Hey, I'm also a 4w5 (and very new to enneagram types!) All the things you mentioned sound like they would be very helpful for me. Anything you recommend reading to learn more about that stuff?

[@sandracoatsworth3137]

I’m a four and I love the enneagram because I feel like I’m finally understood! So I don’t agree with fours not liking the enneagram. Most fours I know are thrilled that the enneagram can see those things that most people don’t understand. We do feel unique but mostly we want to be understood and the enneagram does a great job with that.

[@supersteeze1269]

Hi there Tom, my mother is a 4 and has been obsessed with the enneagram for decades now and has always told me my whole life that I was a 4. When I was younger I didn’t pay much attention to it, I didn’t understand it well enough. My mother being a therapist, naturally gravitates towards these things. When I turned 18 I had a good long talk with her about 4’s. I finally felt like I understand why Im like this, it was reliving. She told me “Not many people think like us” and it always stuck with me ever since. I think 4’s truly want someone to just understand that we are different with our deep, sad, creative, artistic thoughts. It’s strange, I almost really badly need someone to praise what my brain thinks, like I’m that special or something (I know I’m not). Thanks for the wonderful videos it really helps with people who struggle to understand why they think certain ways.

[@StarlenaSterling]

Understanding that “feelings and emotions are fleeting” is very important for us 4! I’m learning how to be that very statement with a healthy dose of empathy and compassion for each situation. It was a ten year journey to realize. I throughly enjoy this explanation of the 4.

[@madridboo5928]

EXACTLY THIS!!

[@gracesanity6314]

Tom, you have such a gift for teaching. I have attended/read loads of enneagram stuff, yet this video sealed it for me. Such gratitude. Yes, just show up to ordinary tasks actually makes me happy. As a 4, l cant imagine not questioning my life. True " an un-examined life is not worth living" most likely stated by a 4. Being a 4 is rough/tough - but eventually and usually later in life - creates enormous meaning cause we have gone deep and found a self that cant be taken, is not for turning. We are the Matrix, we dont belong here - we dont get people who watch rubbish T.V. Were bewildered. In our youth its hell, in older age its deeply comforting to come up from the depths cause we brought up with us a friendship that never leaves us.. Ireland

[@TALIACORNELIUS]

Wow I agree. I love hearing other 4's comments, it feels like reflections of my soul. I love what you said about the Matrix. Maybe we just see life for what it is, and try to cope by making something meaningful from it and being the best self we can be.

[@JeffreyRGriese]

We have to start the work. Your lifetime will be spent waiting and preparing yet never beginning or not following through. It’s a failure to launch. It works if you work it. As Goethe said: “Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it! Boldness has genius, magic, and power in it.’”

[@Howi.]

I tested type 4 with a 5 wing. Reading the report had me feeling so called out.

[@devildaddy8604]

I feel the same. Damn it. I'm over having no sure identity.

[@isnowyazn]

@@devildaddy8604 feelings of being a plastic bag flying in the wind

[@reneesolana6697]

OMG lol that is freaking awesome. The feels are so on point. This entire comment section is really awesome actually, I want to be friends with every one of you.

[@rimoumamari7346]

The Integration part moving to one got me teary... It's really hard not to get self-absorbed

[@SugaryBob]

I FEEL SO CALLED OUT RN

[@chrissy9876]

I’m not even 5 minutes in, and this is so spot on that I’m literally in tears. (How very 4 of me 😂😂) Also saying to myself ‘because I AM different and amazing! I just don’t know why...’ lol!!!

[@twlahue]

Glad you found my channel. Blessings.

[@lukeduan6291]

"Don't wait till you're in the right mood" is exactly what i need to hear. Thank you!

[@m.s9146]

Pretty good but not as shallow as you portray us to be. We are looking for options and don’t assume that something is correct just because everyone is doing it. That is very different than having a spirit of rebellion. It is a decision to create not to rebel. You are correct that we seem nonconformist because we appreciate the independent thought and creativity that it takes to be something different. However I congratulate anyone who achieves uniqueness and am not so self absorbed to think it’s all about me. We want to create the beautiful and strive for that goal. It’s not about rebellion. We can be dark. One of my favorite arias to perform is Black Swan, it is dark and unafraid to find great beauty in deep sorrow. But I also enjoy Mozart’s lightness and joy however probably not as much as you might enjoy it as a 7. Of course my favorite Mozart work is his Requiem which is hauntingly beautiful and also his darkest. I once had a boyfriend who after listening to my music for several day turned it off, he said it was making him suicidal.

[@twlahue]

Interesting. Thanks for the response.

[@TALIACORNELIUS]

I 100000% agree with the first paragraph, well said!

[@jiaogulan]

What youre describing to me looks like the positive aspects of the four. He describes the dark side of these tendencies, because I believe the purpose of the video is to grow in awareness.

[@m.s9146]

@@jiaogulan thanks for your thoughts. However, 4s are dark with a purpose. In our dark times we are looking for meaning, this is not a aimless scattering of energy. We may sob into our tea cup but we marvel at how the tear droplets glisten on the surface and think how it reminds us of raindrops on a window pane or nestled onto to a fallen leaf. We do not dwell within that sadness unless it becomes a source of beauty or wonder. Inherent in our gloom is bloom. As I recently said to my long term Enneagram 8/wing 7 partner, “I’m just deeper than you are.” He agreed.

[@jiaogulan]

@@m.s9146 You sound like a healthy 4 :)

[@victoriamoore5057]

Brilliant. Feel like you've described my life in an hour! Very helpful and insightful and like the tools for moving to a healthy level. Thank you.

[@twlahue]

Thank you for your comment. Blessings on your journey.

[@toniasheridan]

mine too! eek! :/

[@willowg8007]

Same! Thank you Dr. Tom!

[@verasmith9544]

I am an almost 70-year-old 4 & melancholy, despondent, etc. about current world events. I am not, however fearful. This is perfect timing to discover you & this video!!!

[@themustang360]

Aww bless your heart 🥰

[@gozdenur9776]

Hello Vera I’m a 4 and in my mid-twenties, i just want to ask you some questions. Are you married? If you are how did you manage to keep it working? Do you have kids, if you have what kind of a mother are you and do you have a good relationship with your kid(s)? I am asking these questions because i feel like i will always be single and never have the happiness of having a child and being a mom because of my characteristics and some of my weird behaviors. I just wonder if there are 4s especially with a 5 wing that have a good family life.

[@giveme24hrs72]

@Gozde Nur, I would advise that you don't have kids until you r married. I got married in my mid 20s and now I'm in my mid 30s (and we have 5kids). What behaviors of yours r you most concerned about when it comes to a marriage relationship and relationship with kids? This has been the hardest 10 years of my life (cuz I've had to grow)....it has really helped to have a quality man tho.

[@melanierivers12]

I. LOVE. THIS. CHANNEL!!! As a 4, I have managed to dig myself into a dark melacholy hole lately, and out of sheer desperation, I just searched for Enneagram 4 on KZbin. I stumbled across this channel and the videos I've watched so far have been completely mind-blowing! I already identified myself as a 4 but didn't dig into it too far so I didn't really understand it. The statement about self-discipline being the easel/canvas but not the art.....brilliant! That whole concept was so freeing! Thank you for your amazing ability to teach us about ourselves!

[@Raeleen]

I couldn’t commend this video enough, but as detailed and accurate as your depiction is of a four, one would believe you ARE a 4!!!! Excellent help video, I’ve come back to this video soooo many times to listen again and snap myself out of my own doom. So many things you’ve made me realize. I was absolutely mind blown when you said “they show up to life”. I felt so understood listening to your pep talk. You described us to the T! Best video I’ve seen on type 4s. The best advice I’ve been given as a 4. Thank you!

[@twlahue]

Awesome. Thanks for your kind words.

[@Ariel_is_a_dreamer]

"Avoid lenghty conversations in your own imagination" *cries in maladaptive daydreamer * Actually, what if maladaptive daydreaming is actually something all fours experience???

[@bluebie017]

well, I’m a 4w5 and have struggled with that for most of my life! So I didn’t quite appreciate that comment... but I guess it did resonated. 🤧

[@radiantsvn]

omg that's me

[@lenblack1462]

I'm addicted to that.

[@AcornSandCheese]

Yup same!

[@nendamoon3552]

That is me

[@Flowergirl222]

As a four I feel I was destined to confront my shadow self and master it. This analysis is completely accurate. I redesign every space I walk into in my mind, and my home has to be a particular way, down to every single detail. I feel lost in environments that don’t reflect the way I want to feel or reflect feelings that make me uncomfortable. This is sooooo good. Thank you for helping us.

[@blingblang1234]

Steps to healing for type 4: 1. Don't pay so much attention to your stormy feelings. They come and they go. Let it pass. Don't equate your identity with what you fell. 2. Avoid putting things off until you're in the right mood. You're happiest when you're working. You're happiest when you lose the search for identity and just show up for life and do what needs to be done. 3. Self-esteem and self-confidence will develop only from having positive experiences whether you believe you are ready for them or not. 4. Practice self-discipline. Sleep at regular hours, eat a regular diet, ecercise regularly. 5. Avoid lengthy conversations in your own imagination. 6. Talk openly with someone you trust: Find someone you can be authentic with that will not run away from you when you show these deep things, who'll let you be yourself and let you talk and walk in relationship with that person. 7. Serve others. You'll become less self-conscious and have a better perspective of yourself when you're making a contribution to others. Get involved in some way in pouring life out for other people. You will find yourself when you lose yourself by serving others. 8. Refuse the tendency to dig up the past. Complaining about your parents and thoughts about your unhappy childhood (which is characteristic of 4s) and your unfulfilled past and unfulfilled relationships. It is hard for people to live up to the idealised standard/dreams. But just because you had a difficult upbringing does not mean that you're allowed to live with different expectations than everybody else. 9. Resist the tendency to take everything so personally. Everything is not an attack at you/not aimed at you. And even if someone did intend to harm you at some point, you can get over it. A critical or hostile remark about you does not reflect the whole truth about you. It's just somebody's opinion at the moment. Let it go. Usually, people are so preoccupied worrying about themselves that they are not even thinking about you. The more you dwell on the harsh things said about you, the more unhealthy you'll become. Let yourself move. Give yourself permission to move on. 10. Be aware of how harsh you talk to yourself. Try to become a friend of yourself.

[@nguyenmy3864]

The number 6, I have no one like that...You may think because I am 4 so I think nobody understands me, but actually I did try to be open about myself but just like didn’t get responses or sympathy...

[@gozdenur9776]

@@nguyenmy3864 i can relate to this

[@gozdenur9776]

Thank you

[@memoonamaheen2306]

Being a four , when i found out that fours are rarest type i was so happy 'YAYY I AM RARE' Idk if others would relate, but ig it is what it feels like when you are a four.

[@nerdyoutube7847]

It’s kind of sad because I feel like I’d connect best with fours

[@Its_13LOO]

I did this exactly...

[@gozdenur9776]

I felt like this too

[@DreBars]

"4s live in a perpetual state of disappointment.." - Bingo

[@JulietTheGirl]

Yep haha

[@consciousmonster6062]

Hahaha, "Eeyore", "goth" and other comparisons are made in this video. There's a lot of valuable information in here, but consistently, I see people make videos, books, podcast episodes where they try to describe the type 4 and eventually go down the road of labeling and it's hilarious. It also confirms what a lot of 4s feel (and need to not lean on) which is, "I am misunderstood."

[@twlahue]

thanks for the comment.

[@TALIACORNELIUS]

I agree, at first I thought it was hard for someone who is not a 4 to describe one, because they may know how we act but not WHY. But this guy has done the best description and advice I have seen on youtube! Fuck I wish I was normal now hahaha

[@LizEsguerra]

“You don’t need to go to Boulder, Colorado to find yourself...” Wow, this resonates so much. Thank you, this has been so helpful 🙏🏽

[@LovaLova808]

Haha. Keep Boulder weird.

[@bloodSCARSandMCR]

Dude i seriously did and my response after 9 months was "get me the fuck out of Boulder."

[@MitchellM929]

I'm from the UK and was just this morning thinking 'man I want to take a trip around the lake District'....I'm guessing the same thing applies :D

[@TV-wy1py]

Guess I'll go unload the car now..was packed up and ready to go but nooo..this video popped up in my feed..damn it Bobby🤦🏽‍♀️

[@wam6465]

I moved to California to find myself! Haha

[@tricksters1997]

"if you're hearing this and you're a 4 you may be offended, saying 'this is not true'..." Me watching this: YES CALL ME OUT ON MY BS

[@twlahue]

Nice

[@Julia-ey4zd]

Other fours: But Me: "I'm different than other fours"

[@Joshuarcade]

@@Julia-ey4zd same

[@KS-yc5kj]

The funeral part is over the top.

[@Jerri.Blank.9674]

Yeah, it makes 4s sound psychopathic.

[@aubreegriffith8426]

As a 4, it's really not far from reality. I am self-conscious with pretty bad anxiety though, so although I would most likely never do something like laugh out loud at a funeral so as not to draw attention to myself, I would ABSOLUTELY be thinking thoughts about death and the absurdity of the charade, such as was mentioned by @Dr. Tom Lahue

[@merryinfires5295]

EXACTLY. I was watching this like wtf is wrong with these people ?!

[@NormanFamilyUT]

"You know you are a person of worth because someone came and rescued you." This is the role that Christ plays in my life.

[@7Scaevola]

Omg just realized why I tease my friends so much for doing things I consider weird but also love my friends so much for doing things I don’t understand or consider weird. Very difficult to explain it is all in appreciation of their individuality tho lol

[@kelyrin-douceuretdessin9476]

Not only did I stick through the end, but I saved it and plan on listening to it again and again. This is second time. :) thank you so so much for this. A not quite healthy 4 😄

[@gt3420]

Did it help?

[@kelyrin-douceuretdessin9476]

@@gt3420 hi ! definitely 😍😍 this, combined to therapy + medication (found out through all this self discovery/self work that I have a mood disorder) gave me the tools to understand myself much better and figure out how to be a more healthy version of me. Which I am now ! 😍 I use these tools every day and go back to this video once in a while when I feel like I need it 🥰 is this the first time you hear it ? Are you a 4 too ? Hope this helps ! Lmk if you have any questions ! ☺️

[@gt3420]

@@kelyrin-douceuretdessin9476 Yeah, I’m 16 and have a bit of skepticism when it comes to personality tests but this one was shockingly accurate. I’ve known for about 3-4 years that I’ve been very mentally unwell and that I need to find a way to deal with it. Often times I feel I’m so hypersensitive that I purposely isolate from people as to not get emotionally wounded and then get frustrated with the feeling of being so unhealthy that I have to do that unlike other people. I recently told my mom for the first time that I felt like overcoming the hurdles was way too hard and that I think I need a therapist which is incredibly hard for me because I’ve always found it incredibly difficult to ask for help. I struggle with feeling “not normal” or not “childlike” I’ve always felt much more mature and serious than other kids and when I was younger I thought that was a great quality but as I get older I’m slowly realizing that seems to stem from some type of trauma. I’m thinking it’s coming from a childhood full of stress where I was deprived of the right to be carefree and lighthearted and able to simply just exist and that’s what’s causing my issues now. Particularly with potential romantic relationships I find myself shutting down all possibilities even though I’d really really want them, similar to keeping people at arms length once I realize I’m interested in them or they’re interested in me.

[@dayanamh]

I don't know how anyone can resist the Enneagram or sent it, to me it is a relief to know I'm not the only one who feels and think the way I do. It makes me feel connected :)

[@tracicoxcocchi2904]

I'm about half way through this and this upload so far, is a mostly accurate description of 4's, compared with others-even against the uploads of panels of 4's. There is a bit preoccupation in the video with 4's who "don't wear jeans", "don't listen to country", "don't eat Mexican" etc etc etc. There are 4's who do that...I think mostly maybe as juveniles. It's true that surrounding ourselves with beautiful or other intense artistic "props" is partly connected to stimulating emotions we identify with, in search of our identity, but you touched on it when you pointed out the need for significance. In searching for the need to be significant, worthy, valuable, meaningful. This is a large part of the subconscious need for props. The "props" they felt connected to or significant or appreciative of they may keep sentimentally to 'represent' who they are because they (or we) hope to ALSO be significant. So if we can make the prop represent our identity, in lower unhealthy states, they take personally sometimes a rejection of these representations of our identity. Because that must mean "I" am rejected. This will hurt more when it comes from someone the 4 values more, someone more significant in their lives. But on the whole I feel the speaker attempted to genuinely present an objective and clear description with compassion to the best of his ability, not being a 4 😊👍🏻 *I don't take offense or take it personally, but I would like to state that any 4 who went to family functions, and most certainly a FUNERAL, EVEN if its not necessarily BELOVED family members, and SNICKERED and belittled their family who's grieving would most definitely be in a downward spiral of cynicism! That surely seems to contradict the previous observation that 4's are 'there' for those who are down and hurting and will walk through darkness and empathize with them. 😑🤔 ...but that depiction seems a bit of something a very very unhealthy juvenile or immature adolescent 4 might potentially do 🤦🏼‍♀️

[@twlahue]

I appreciate your comments. thanks.

[@marienguessan8520]

I agree, I felt as if we are seen as psychopaths.

[@HeIsJosh]

I’m a 4w5 and I’m very much aware of wanting to be different. Even in art, I don’t want to be like another unique songwriter or when it comes to fashion. I don’t do tattoos or piercings it’s a popular side trend now. I listen to some mainstream music but it doesn’t hit me the same way, it’s like being annoyed how I can’t just enjoy it. It’s not always just saying oh I’m not into that because everyone else is, sometimes I just want that experience too and I can’t get it

[@morgyndanaewellness]

Wow, this was THE BEST and most insightful tough love type 4 talk I’ve ever received! Perfect timing, too. I was cringing, laughing out loud (several times-needed that!), and ended up feeling very empowered by your clear understanding and guidance. Thank you, Dr. Tom LaHue 🙏

[@rosafaasau7071]

I feel so exposed by someone I have never met. I'm repulsed with myself. I sound so conceited. I even tried to do the test again. Ugh

[@TALIACORNELIUS]

I retook the test too when I found out lol

[@jiaogulan]

Hang in there. Self awareness is a great gift!

[@crowmedicine3890]

I hate to see people saying they're disgusted or repulsed by themselves. It's a struggle. I know. You are not alone.

[@marinotraj]

Thank you so much. I'm married to a 4. All that you have said is true and I have mention 98% percent of what you mentioned. I felt lucky because I know my wife. How to help them was very helpful, now I can love her even more.

[@alexleon1756]

That’s awesome that you’re willing to understand her better! She will appreciate you so much more for it

[@rachelsure]

I'm surprised that others would get offended over this information (Is that pretty typical 4 of me?). Happy to explore all the corners. This was very useful, thank you.

[@twlahue]

Thanks

[@Odinsyeus]

Just discovering the Enneagram today and I was shocked at how accurately it describes my personality and life habits. I’ve been spinning my wheels and sabotage my relationships for the last 4 years. Living in my car and running from society. The enneagram model has really helped me understand my personality. What blessing it is to have this tool at my disposal now. Thank you very much for sharing all of this information. It is greatly appreciated!

[@twlahue]

I am so glad to help. Blessings.

[@sdmugabe]

Sir, you read me like an open book 🙌🏾

[@radiantsvn]

4w5 here. I'm not sure if I'm happy seeing all these 4s exist. You know what I mean...

[@sienaluz4166]

At the "why is everyone wearing jeans?" part he read me like a book...in high school I always wore dresses and shorts because everyone around me was wearing jeans or leggings most days. I used to put so much effort into my appearance in order to set myself apart from other people. Now I'm trying to work on realizing that everyone has issues with feeling like they don't fit in and that ultimately, we all have amazing and beautiful qualities to bring to the table. The feeling of not fitting in isn't just exclusive to me, it's something that everyone will feel at one point or another in their lives, and this is what I've learned. I'm an average person that's equal to everyone else, and I'm happy with that.

[@EstephaniaLeBaron-Rios]

Thank you for the tips at the end. They were very helpful to me. I can do them. This entire video has been very helpful to me! I’m a 4! 😬😭😛 🥰😂 I really appreciate that you didn’t speak in a judgements tone but stated issues we deal with directly. I needed that. I have been on a “authentic” search for my “real” self no realizing I was getting caught up in my own patterns. 😳 I still remember several years ago I had a flash of insight telling me that discipline was going to be one of my headrest life lesson and it would also be a sign on growth if i achieved it.

[@alexleon1756]

Same here, discipline is the hardest thing to achieve for me

[@EstephaniaLeBaron-Rios]

alex leon i was contemplating this all week. Was wondering what other 4’s might find helpful. Have you found something that helped??

[@alexleon1756]

@@EstephaniaLeBaron-Rios weirdly enough ... Nike’s slogan ‘Just do it’ has helped me. Its like stop overthinking everything and just get to it.

[@madridboo5928]

Working on this. It's an incredible feat.

[@allieduggan4461]

lol this video almost makes me hate myself for being a type 4. we sound repulsive... omg

[@allieduggan4461]

the family reunion part... YES. THIS IS ME. Now I understand why I feel this way. Thank you.

[@twlahue]

I hope that it is helpful...The Enneagram can be quite brutal.

[@Al3jajandra]

@@twlahue it is helpful :)

[@bez1196]

@@allieduggan4461 I didn't want to accept it at first and was very much repulsed by the description. Even disturbed.

[@jeanaallison7236]

True dat! 😊

[@AimeeAmaris]

man im gonna have to watch this again and take notes. homie said things i am just now realizing about myself :(

[@twlahue]

Thanks

[@beerman0728]

Just discovered my Enneagram type. It’s like “hello me, it’s nice to finally meet you.” Thanks Dr Lahue- your videos have been profoundly enlightening.

[@gozdenur9776]

Feeling the same

[@CallistaHooper]

Hello Dr Tom! Around the 28 minute mark, you mention trying to understand why 4's use 'props' (accurate word for it too haha), and I think I can clarify for you. Surrounding myself with specific art, with specific props that move me, helps me feel *understood*, like someone exists who gets me, or at least understands part of me. It's not a desire for control, but a desperate need for understanding, and finding comfort in that understanding; to express externally what is happening internally, and to be *seen*. Control, at least for me, doesn't factor into it. For reference, I'm 4w5 SP (and I know the SP part now thanks to your videos, so thank you!)

[@tonyacanada]

This was really insightful!! The only thing that's a little dramatic that I'm hearing from most posts/videos on our type is that we strive to be different . I know for me, I'm not intentionally trying to be different. The things I wear and the things I am interested in just comes natural. Those things just so happens to be different from the rest. But I love everything you stated.❤

[@DianaLopez-gl3zn]

Hmm I guess I now understand why I don’t feel like I identify with my job. I’m a hairdresser, makeup artist, barber, and bartender... I also run a pop up coffee and comic shop with my husband 😅 I do a LOT of things but I never feel I’m the best at my “job” and self critical but also know I do all these things very well. I just don’t like to label myself as such because my job doesn’t identify ME.

[@ginagiselle1]

Im a hairdresser, too! But first I got a BA that I will NEVER use! 👎 😅It’s kind of great being a stylist for a four considering the absence of a filter that 99% of clients have- therapists get all the good stuff.😂Anyways, it sucks to not have THE ONE THING that we are great at...”something always missing” but at least with hair I think people identify me with SOMETHING rather than nothing. My self preservation 4ness likes to appear to have some purpose even if I don’t actually feel that way!

[@colleentobin1812]

I am just learning this, I haven't listened to any other number but listening to you I am a 4..🙏...deep soul, it still shocks me everyone isent deep, and feel the world with Compassion, love and peace.....💥🙏💥🙏💥🙏💖 dark teaches us light, other wise how would we recognize light.💥.......I see the bigger picture Thank God..🙏..other wise life would be difficult ..... We are all here for one common purpose to remember the truth of who we are ...liberation.....🙏💥💕💖

[@kindredheart7885]

I wish this was taught in school. I imagine many 4's could avoid antidepressants and the like.

[@jiaogulan]

This is really helpful. I have been getting really into discipline lately, and just showing up for the mundane. That really does appear to be the solution whenever I feel ungrounded. David Goggins videos and philosophy has been really helpful for this. This video gave me a lot more ideas and reaffirmed what I see as the path to healing.

[@privateuser4676]

This was very accurate BUT the thing that really bothered me that he said was that a 4 would laugh at ppl crying at a funeral. That is SO off. We’d be sitting there wondering if the person liked the type of flowers that were there, or if they knew how much we cared about them, what the different dynamics were of the relationships between the ppl there and the person that passed. This just goes to show how truly misunderstood we really are. We aren’t heartless, psychotic or crazy. The funeral comment really threw me for a loop. I don’t see a lot of positive information about 4’s and there’s so much to us! If you want a positive, encouraging sermon on 4’s search sandals church enneagram 4. It’s very encouraging and isn’t a negative, depressing put down on 4’s.

[@angelaferguson463]

I cry at funerals even if I don't know the person that died. I like to think about how sad it is - how great that person was - what family must be feeling - at a funeral I like to feel all the feelings

[@alexleon1756]

Agreed. I would cry like a baby even if it was someone i wasn’t close to

[@sweetdarkness37]

Thank you so much, I don’t know to function without being consumed by my feelings.. boo.. I wish I could be like a 1

[@twlahue]

I know. The cool thing is that you go to one when healthy. But you do it with style.

[@cinderella4499]

Hadley Allen I’ve often said I feel like a failed 1!

[@wildfleurgirl]

Sir, you have absolutely no idea how much all of this just helped me. I'll admit that it was difficult to watch because the truths you spoke stung and I felt vulnerable but I really needed this. This was posted 2 years ago but even then, I'm grateful you took out the time do this. Thank you so much.

[@realn.w.a554]

You be reading the hellll out of us 4s!!! I don't know if you do everybody like that, but the way you be reading us down, is just amazing🙌❤️💯😳😅

[@twlahue]

Glad to help.

[@EstephaniaLeBaron-Rios]

I remember moving from LA to Austin and the plan was my sister and I would buy a house together. I was still living in LA so I could not house hunt with her. I dreaded that she might find and settle for a cookie-cutter house that was the same as everyone else’s. 😂

[@Emily-vp8dz]

I have a conundrum, I think I'm a 4, at least I relate to the mentality of just not wanting to be like everyone else, but I feel like we live in a very individualistic culture where that's how everyone else seems to be behaving which makes me want to "be like everyone else" but then it's not really resolving the issue because the motivation is still coming from the same place.

[@sahand8897]

Unbelievably accurate and in line with my knowledge and experience. Moving towards health, by lessening neuroticism and empowering conscientiousness, will be my challenge. I really wish to know how all these works, but I see the trap of over-analyzing and impracticality. So, I won't delve into this Riso-Hudson book which I downloaded just yet; Instead, I shall wash the dishes and try to sleep a little bit sooner than dawn!

[@Selam-fr4lf]

"look at them trying so hard to fit in.. ugh." and then "look at them trying so hard to stand out.. ugh" XD you got me

[@eleanorripley3914]

hahaha I'm cracking up right now because right when you say "This guy has lost his mind, I'm gonna make any angry comment here" I was literally about to write a comment about how that statement in itself was how you didn't understand a 4 who already agreed and connected with everything that was mentioned before. Then I realized "typical 4 right here" even though I do admit and a agree with everything stated earlier in the video I yet found a way to be misunderstood. Hand to face motion reaction! Thank you so much for the insightful video... I was able to learn a bit more about the things I want to work on as a 4 aka that exact reaction I had!

[@twlahue]

Blessings...

[@ShefaAli-hi2qh]

You nailed it❤ understanding myself better made my life easier. That inner voice keeps telling me exactly what you mentioned now I'm a believer ❤❤ thank you

[@amazinggrace4924]

Dr. Tom Thank you!!! I have been trying to figure myself out for decades!! This has helped me so very much! Life is not as serious as I have been taking it.

[@twlahue]

Glad you found this channel. Blessings.

[@twlahue]

Glad you found this channel. Blessings.

[@SpicePrincess1890]

SO I'm a 4w5. I expected to hear some hard news in this video and as I listened at first, I was like "ehh." cause like, I AM fashionably defiant. I wear "weird" (mostly Japanese) street fashions and the like, but I have grown past being envious of others who do the same. I've found ways to turn that particular envy into inspiration for my own fashion looks. But when you got to that part about "props".... man you just ripped me a new one 🤣😂😂😂You have cracked the code sir! This is something we DEFINITELY do. I am EXTREMELY visual. I learn visually, I remember faces, and places.. but I don't remember words or names. I remember aesthetics and looks...and how they made me feel. I try to re-capture these aesthetics (to focus back on them) by looking for them in other images and in music. For me, it's not images or items around the house. My "props" are my Pinterest boards. I have made literally over a hundred boards of various aesthetics and themes that encapsulate various moods and feelings. I have a board full of rainy, chilly looking, melancholy fall days type images, a board full of bright, sunny, summery "shopping downtown in June" type images, as well as boards with aesthetics and themed images for various characters from horror games (Silent Hill), adventure games (Assassin's Creed), cute cartoons (Miraculous Ladybug), and my own characters from my own stories. Each board has a distinct personality, theme, aesthetic, and mood that goes with it. If I want to revel or.. brood in a certain mood, then I stare at that Pinterest board for a while and listen to the matching playlist (yes, each board I make has its own playlist counterpart here on KZbin 😂😂 it helps engulf me in the feels). I think, for many of us this might be a truly common theme, especially those of us who are writers/artists and make our own characters and stories. Making these boards/playlists is what helps me get into my character's heads emotionally. Also that "avoid putting things off until you're in the right mood." OOF. I'm just staring at my unfinished projects right now.

[@twlahue]

I am glad that the video helped. Blessings.

[@blanchemackinder4764]

This is SO good!!! I can certainly say that as a 40 year old woman (4w5) that yes this is all very recognisable. I can RELATE! I am looking forward to getting to the remedy pointers :)) My younger self can certainly feel the sting of these points raised and I can laugh at my younger self in a good way really - especially when you talk about "well I am not even going to wear jeans", then coming across someone else standing out from the crowd in a unique outfit...I used to care about that stuff more when I was younger. Now I am more about accepting that I do go about things differently but I dont go out of my way to do so. I am far more concerned with getting to a place of action and acceptance of myself and loving my life

[@twlahue]

Thanks for your honesty and for sharing.

[@Infante1979]

Thank you so much for helping me understand my brother. My family and I have always struggle with him and this lights a torch in the way.