Two Tips For Treating Toxic Shame

Sam Vaknin Richard Grannon Seminar Liverpool March 2019 "How to Manipulate the Narcissist or Psychopath"
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[@arthurcurry7688]

There is so much that I would love to write here, but I can't. Glad you found your healing path forward by doing what you do on personal growth and healing for others. God will bless you and praise you for your kindness.

[@arthurcurry7688]

THANK YOU! Richard. You look great today, a much better look for you.

[@Arhmt9Playlist]

That was great! Very helpful! Thank you for sharing. You have a very good understanding of toxic shame.

[@shastra5552]

You describe the Shame-Based personality so well. I had an extremely dysfunctional home-life and my emotions were controlled by others. For example; I was mocked and punished for crying, only "carers" were permitted to be angry, angry at me. Anger was banned for me and I have spent all my life so far...dis-regulated. I only realized it was not me when I spent 6 weeks with my undiagnosed Narc M, I made notes in my diary of each 'weird' behaviour then searched online and matched her to NPD/BDP. I've been in recovery now for 2 years and no contact for 7 months but cannot show anger in my therapy sessions - I just cry.

[@shastra5552]

***** Thank you for your insight, its great when someone gets it ...but I'm sad you had similar experiences. Yes, lack of self worth sounds spot on! Yes again, my NM is the most dysfunctional character in the family and everyone tip-toes around her lest she huff & puff and blow their house down.

[@fnjr578]

Shastra 555 i can totally relate to u.ive been in healing journey for the past one year.struggling to go no contact.

[@A.S2400]

Shastra 555 this is so accurate. I like how you say you could not get mad, only cry. I wasn't allowed to cry- and now I can only get angry. Crying doesn't come. Thanks for your words!!

[@sankarganesh1602]

Sir, It shows how much you want to save those who have been abused by a narcisst. God bless

[@DFight4Love]

Thank you Richard. I am watching this now, when its needed for smn healing. Take care God bless you Good man. 💖🙏🕊🍀

[@shannon32693]

thank you

[@algobo]

Excellent video. Thank you.

[@czJanKrejci]

This is very helpful! Thank you

[@soulfullness2024]

Well done. Thank you very much👍🏻

[@jonathankirkendall545]

So on point. Thank you!

[@crystalhayes6133]

I have seen men suffer from extreme abuse from horrible women in including my malevolent narcissist daughter, her husband blew his brains out. Another women, also a malevolent narcissist, I know drove her husband to suicide. Both of these suicides happened 2 weeks apart and for the next year these were the 2 women with whom I spent a great deal of time. Neither of them excepted any responsibility for these deaths. I have witnessed more men suffer from evil cunts than the reverse. I'm glad that men are coming forward and asking for help. I listened to many stories when I bar-tended and made some life long friends. Thank you for being here

[@missyp.1338]

Thank You for this...

[@jaynehathaway3717]

abusive relationships with men don't necessarily mean romantic partners. Both of my brothers are horribly abusive...big hangover from their rejection and constant attacks and criticism...I think it's worse when it comes from family...

[@meikerieger2899]

Why do you take their abusive words seriously?

[@gregdennis5968]

Meike Rieger Dude, that is not how the brain works. Certain statements are registered the same way a physical attack is and it goes back to our programming for thousands of years. Certain statements can pave the way for physical abuse. Also allowing somebody to talk down to us is damaging to our self respect and sometimes people deserve to have their teeth knocked out for saying certain things and the justice system needs to take verbal abuse more seriously.

[@karadiberlino]

Meike Rieger Narc detected. 📍

[@franfinesim]

my father is abusive, and always wants me to feel bad and guilty

[@mamas_quilts3573]

@@meikerieger2899 😂 why are you here?!😅

[@RealtyWebDesigners]

Beyond excellent Richard! I think shame needs to be talked about a lot more. Perhaps this is one of the main issues for the abused and abuser. I've found in my experience that they project shame and try to 'offload' (blame game) shame. If there is ONE boundary that needs to always exist is that, "When someone makes you feel PERSONALLY broken" you're dealing with a toxic personality. Everyone makes mistakes, it doesn't mean they are broken/bad. When someone is on a campaign to sell you on you're a 'bad person' you're dealing with a toxic personality.

[@sublimemadenda]

I marvel at the ease and fluidity of your explanations. It matters because in those wretched and shameful moments, we are too entangled in the misery for much to make sense. I'm on the last lap of deep deep healing (it's a body sense of peace, flow, expansion and warmth), but remembering back to the worst of times I hear the life-line of your words and encourage any soul out there who feels themselves to be losing, drowning, giving up, to take heed. You can find your way back to life again.

[@nkley1]

This could be some of the most helpful information I have ever come across. I have always been the "forever fixer" for others as a result of the harm that had been done to me in various mind-altering, emotion-altering, and soul-altering incidents that crushed the spirit of who I was supposed to be; therefore, I lost me a very long time ago, and it is time to get me back. The true me, not the me I became as a result of these incidents that were not given the proper attention and treatment, but I never stopped to think that there is a was to go back and have me as an adult, help me as a child. To help that child by speaking to her and giving her the proper dialogue and care a mother and the other adults in my life should have with that child, not the absent dialogue and absent emotional care that was truly lacking to form this result: A child who felt swallowed up in abuse and shame-based incidents, not aware that the buried abuse can forever rear its ugly head in illness -- physical and emotional.

[@waterbottle2183]

👍 really good ideas 💡. Thank you Richard. Healing ❤️‍🩹

[@naeru5810]

compassionate dialogue and externalization-talking to therapist and also journaling.

[@yvaz3373]

I have found that is really helpful to become aware of the extend of the problem, to bring it to light sort of speak but does very little with the actual healing fo it...is like when you get a diagnosis but not necessarily a treatment. The healing needs mor than that, I think. Still looking for it.

[@janedoh123]

I know all this intellectually and could help anyone but I am bound and gagged and carrying it around like a cross that will bury me if I don’t start working on ME

[@cindystephens9066]

Yes externalizations externalizations because if you stuff it all down you may get a mental split, dissociative disorder, like I did. The shame was from 35 years of emotional and verbal abuse by my NPD ex. I tried to keep it all together but one day My mind could not handle anymore so to protect me it split the trauma from my reality and I wound up in a mental institution for 8 days over a Christmas holiday. So please listen to the presenter. Get those feelings out. Talk to someone or write down what you are going through because if you don’t you might literally loose your mind.

[@sarah_b_555]

Wait so i say out all the horrid things her voice is telling me in my head? & that my late dad"'s voice is telling me? 😢

[@jinagibson6818]

Children are complex! My biggest concern is as adults, their childhood trauma has allowed them to manipulate and control so many people who rely on them. Sticky topic! Instead of being treated they're medicated, relocated, and stuck dealing with monsters in unhealthy ways. It's not therapeutic, it's further abuse. Everyone needs outlet, guidance, and a strong will. Not everyone needs power.

[@RandomRants]

The exercise of saying the abusive things is helpful, I've found. I'll rehash that stuff and say what I would say now in response, where before, I never stood up for myself. I try to imagine me telling any child, let alone my own, the kind of shit I heard growing up and I feel such a sense of rage. I personally feel like that's healthy, but again, I'm learning. I may be completely wrong. But as a child, it was all I knew. I didn't know what my parents were doing was abusive, so even though I didn't feel it at the time, I believe it's justified to feel that anger at some point, so it can be processed appropriately.

[@RICHARDGRANNON]

Its absolutely essential to your healing that you reconnect with that anger, so you process it in a healthy way as you say yes. Sounds like you are going in the right direction mate.

[@RandomRants]

SPARTANLIFECOACH Thanks. It definitely is not an overnight process. Thanks for putting this out there. It's important for people to talk about this stuff.

[@mareksmezalis5960]

I feel you bro.

[@brendanmichel5215]

Hey thanks, this stuff helps.

[@SobrietyBestie]

Thank you. Great to have quality info on healing toxic shame.

[@jillians100]

Your input on toxic shame is so helpful. Thank you.

[@sonoffalconqueen]

I feel this toxic shame like a powerful black hole that sucks all life possibilities out of me and hinders me to achieve anything. It is like a raging monster that is happy only when i sit quiet and still. Is it ever possible to overcome this? It seems huge, greater than anything, and forbids me to grow and go forward.

[@brendavance2329]

I so appreciate your videos....you express things in such a way that nails the feelings of it....and how it affects one in everyday life, which is mostly missing in self help books and many other kinds of resources. I was part of the mental health system as a professional for a very long time and the way things are diagnosed are partially correct but missing an essential key that helps one to heal. Your sense of humor combined with your knowledge of the clinical aspect have really helped me. Thank you so much for your generosity and giving to help others.

[@tincey2001]

I used to be a psych nurse and came away with the very strong impression that healing was not the aim, managing people is. Slap a band aid on to mask the symptoms, then throw people back to the front line. Now, as more and more services are cut in the UK, very often the band aid is CBT which seems to worshipped in Govt as it's cheap, but hardly cost effective.

[@dominiqchoquette8594]

This toxic shame has completely destroyed me. With physical disabilities and this there is no way I can even begin to recover. I cannot leave my house. I cannot even engage my parents in conversation because as soon as Mom shows she hurts I feel like I am the worst person ever... for having feelings of my own. I am unable to bring my thoughts to voice because my memory is shit. I am unable to revisit my childhood because the memories are blocked or gone (except for very quick flashes of aweful feelings unresolved). I always thought I was raised in a good family and had a good upbringing, but was fooled into believing that because the abuse in our house was not physical except for occasional spankings. I was taught to abhore the word "Hate" and now I have no word to use to express my anger. "Hate" pops into my head and I immediately feel shame and guilt just for having had the thought. My upset emotions were never truly acknowledged. I got a "there there it will be okay now go to your room". They didn't do anything to make it okay or teach me how to understand or recover from my emotions. The solution approaches you suggested all sound great, but my memory problems prevent any of them from being of use to me. Have you got any advice that might better fit my situation of being memory-dead and in a million pieces? Currently I have no hope; no ability to hope. Worthless. Please help if you can.

[@lartele9517]

hello there! first of all: my heart goes out to you!! I'm 57 now and even though I had years of therapy I'm still maybe only beginning to slowly recover from a similar type of abuse early on in my life and subsequently abusive relationships of many shapes and forms. like you I've been ill all my life, diagnosed and mostly misdiagnosed, treated and mistreated, and sometimes even clearly abused by health care professionals. so I guess I've seen most of it.... the turning point for me was the realization - late as it is - that I could only change anything I needed a powerful game changer. after having tried about everything in the outside of me in terms of treatments, therapies, medicines, diets, exercises etc.etc. and nothing worked I realized I was barking up the wrong tree. I needed to stop and finally look at me and really sit with me. yet before dealing with my painful and overwhealming emotions I turned to neuroscience and studied how mind and emotions are linked together. now, I may not be able to fully recover from CPTSD and chronic illnesses but I know now that I'm finally on the right path because I see and experience so many improvements already. ALL THE BEST TO YOU!!!

[@LimitlessThinker]

Please know your experiences resonate with many people. We are taught there is something wrong with us for expressing conflicting thoughts as either an annoyance or being oversensitive. As children our room may have been a place of refuge and at the same time banishment. Thus, why wouldn't a child learn shame if they were treated as if they were over-reacting or stirring the pot? Of course, it makes sense why our memories are fragmented, since already deregulated, our brains are still forming as we venture out into an unsensitive world, with the demand to conform. Expression squelched and heart-broken, who does a child have to turn to? There is no doubt in my mind that some parents should never have children, since they project their unresolved issues over. As one Dr. Judy WTF youtube channel explains, childhood is a hostage situation. I too have concentrated on health and wellness and find one must never give up on seeking a compatible, compassionate therapist. You can take it one day at a time and give yourself some freedom in allowing to nurture your inner child. Sensitivity is a gift and give yourself time. Don't give up. Simply do not give up and tell yourself how wonderful you are. Don't rely on getting the feedback you yearn for from those who would simply misunderstand you. Be protective and follow your gut feeling when dealing with those who regard your needs as insignificant. Be proud you have come this far and survived it all.

[@lartele9517]

thank you very much for your answer, and thank you for your encouraging words!! all the best to you, take good care!!

[@jjsiegal1]

Externalize, and Compassionate Dialogue. Thank you Richard!

[@lucannon]

In my case it is my tyrannical father, he abuses me (now only verbally as I do not live with him anymore, but he used to hit me and beat me even though I had been 20 years old at that time) and then I stop the contact as I do not want to be hurt anymore. Then my father meets other family members and friends and tells them how much of a bad person I am because I am not contacting him - He portrays himself to be the victim of my bad personality. When I meet those people, they will then make comments and shame me for being a bad son - They shame me and enjoy their feeling of self perceived superiority against me. It just happened today when a met a friend of our family. I am going mad about this, my father is abusive and brutal, I am not quitting the contact because I am bad. I am so ill that I cannot even work right now and people pretend as If I would be evil... It is insane... Those bullies often said: "But it is your father " - Yes, but he mistreated me badly. Being a father does not make a a legal right for him to beat me and bully me and I have the right to step out of this relationship. There are children who commit suicide because of such things and I am wondering how stupid people really are?

[@VanIslandLights]

Being a guy who was in an extremely abusive relationship is humiliating. I have *so* much sympathy for women who've been abused, but at least people don''t laugh at them for it. Believe me, women can do just as much damage, and people seem to find it hard to grasp how much damage was done. Even I can see how it kind of sounds funny and ridiculous, but the reality of the situation is far from the comical images that might come to mind, and far more bloody.

[@bojisti]

Absolutely agree, I was in an abusive relationship, more time has past than the short period of the relationship and I am still horribly affected by it.

[@Rachelcampbellll]

I'm sorry for you :( I was controlled and manipulated by a friend and I was told to just get a grip but abuse isn't just physical and it DEFINITELY isn't always men!!

[@tomd1434]

Schizophrenic Delusions I respect your opinion and don't disagree completely, but guys mask it too. Look up guys with NPD disorder or traits of it. They often come off like great people but it's a mask.

[@oliviaswann4686]

No if you were to talk to me I wouldn't laugh. Evil narcissists can be male or female. I understand.

[@tryagain9688]

abosoultly women can be abusive . We are all well aware of it , Dose it matter what sex u are . You are simply a human who has suffered abuse noithing else matters , we all need to stop focasing on gentals . Women that have been abused will have true and hounest simpathy for any guy who's gone though abuse

[@cameron1896]

I don’t remember specific events that made me feel like this, but I feel ashamed to be living amongst other humans; especially those who are better looking or skinnier than me. It’s such a stupid thought however it affects me everyday and makes me feel inadequate of living. I guess I feel shame for being myself.

[@MilaGee14]

Good to have you back!:)

[@kimpossible6654]

Great!! I have stayed away from psych for a while. Especially with shame... because there was always a lot of “talk/theory “ but not much on straight steps and advice.... Thank you , have watched before. You are a clear, clear a real healer - no ego- God bless You!

[@freisein6554]

Gold

[@kellihansen6446]

Thank you Richard, I really needed to hear that today, I have to keep at it.

[@sabkisaba]

Wow, that was so on point! im 32 yo and have just recently realised toxic shame is wat i have. It will take alot of time to heal this. I really want to be in a happy relationship but struggling with the inability to trust, and being shamed to ur core has made this hard for me in the last 10 years.

[@smc1942]

Spot on!!! My abusers were "family". I walked away in June 2016, & maintain the NO CONTACT Rule. I do get a lot of flashbacks. (Never thought of them like that before, but it fit's.) I do write out my reaction's sometimes. Other times, I go into my walk-in closet, shut the door, & scream out the rage I have held in all my life. The way I see it, I'm screaming it out of my system. For year's, I wasn't allowed to get angry, so I have a lifetime of garbage I've been holding in. Since Breaking with my toxic family, I've been doing this a lot. My neighbors think I'm nuts. I just don't care. I find it DOES help. Sometimes I yell about the same incident a dozen times or more, but I finally reach a point I don't think about it everyday. Is it okay to do this? I had tried the self-talk, but that didn't help. I think being "allowed" to get angry, & yell out my rage is helping me get rid of it. Both my parent's were completely self-absorbed Narc's that cared only about themselves. My needs never mattered. Neglect was my constant companion. I went hungry often. More than kids who were poorer than us. It was pure Neglect. The few time's I did express anger....I suffered for it. Even now, I hold stuff in until the smallest event will trigger a volcanic eruption of rage. I hate myself for it. I feel ashamed & embarrassed over it afterwards. Sorry, I'm rambling. My question; Is my Venting in my closet really helping me, or not? I feel like it is, but I just don't know. I do feel calmer afterwards. But is that "real", or am I just exhausted from screaming? I hate my temper. Truly!!! I just want to get rid of all the garbage from my past. I don't want to lose it at work because someone emptied the coffee pot, & didn't make another one. And while I live alone today, my wife having died young. (We were hit by a drunk driver. I barely survived, & the injuries I received I suffer with even now--23 year's later. She didn't make it to the Hospital.) I would like to build a Family of Choice someday. But that's not going to happen until I get all this rage out of my system. Thanks for your videos. They do help a lot. Truly!!! THANK YOU!!!

[@hantrast3993]

How are you today?

[@copingcornerdesigncreation8595]

Thankyou so much for sharing these tips, this resonates very strongly for me

[@hcplsmf]

Saving lives my friend, thank you so much!!

[@dottiec7943]

Like play writing but your advice is right on!! I always talk to myself walking the dogs. I tell people if caught. I'm counting my money! They laugh as long as no one answers you. I'll study this Thank you so much.

[@LL-vj5yp]

I am a 68 year old woman I was the object of unfair cruelty as a girl. My mom was always displeased with me my dad disappointed, and my older sister cruel and mentally abusive. This is an incredibly helpful resource to me. Thank you !

[@laraoneal7284]

Thank u Richard so much for insight into this. I was molested at 5yrs old by my father. I am totally stuck still after many years of recovery very hard work relentless for over 25 yrs. I simply just cannot trust anyone male or female because obviously my mother was complicit even though she never admitted to it. You really can't totally get over this trauma because u see bad decisions you've made because of the way u were treated and understand that u made them because YOU WERE SET UP by these disgusting people who u had no choice to be stuck with We can't pick our parents. It's really a raw deal but my recovery process has made me a person of integrity which they never would ever be. I respect myself for the work I've done and last but certainly not least a child protector and advocate. Lara from California. Thank u Richard for all u do. I know u truly GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!

[@evolvingnow5417]

Realizing that the toxic end result called CPTSD exists validated my experiences and what I always felt was true in those situations.....As a result I am no longer invisible...That it exists in many families allowed me to no longer take it personally and forgive myself for not being able to figure it out...These realizations have provided a new found freedom....

[@catsmeow3478]

Evolving Now Ditto to everything you said. It feels so isolating, confusing and like the truth when we’re going through it. Richard makes it all so clear and understandable that we don’t have to live that way with those beliefs anymore. Learning that it is CPTSD and is a common thing is very validating.

[@beverleykirby8395]

Awesome. Thank you so much. An invaluable service.

[@mischa3691]

Thank you Richard, this is VERY helpful right now

[@janedoh123]

It’s not our shame really though is it or our guilt it’s been projected on to us as children and we internalised it until it became our truth

[@SobrietyBestie]

AWESOME thank you 👊🏼❤️

[@lisafrost3384]

We need to clone you! No one has ever resonated so deeply in my healing and up levelling my consciousness! Please come to Australia! I have a lifetime of Spartan life coach healing lessons, thank you for your time and wisdom! No therapist has ever shown me the lessons you have given! Thank you 🌻

[@deerbeats9379]

man...didn't think it would be still following me around. thanks for the video

[@mikekosnikowski8052]

I have said out loud what they did was wrong very wrong. I am losing my fear of loss. No one can take away from me that which is mine to keep. Self love. Nobody. Thank you Richard. Been watching your video's for over a week now. They have brought forward great awareness in me. I am truly grateful. Want to do some one on one coaching soon. God bless you.

[@englishroberts7419]

I think your videos are immensely helpful with figuring out my own childhood trauma history. Setting my mental record straight is really a hurdle trying to do it by myself. I sometimes lost the plot before, and spent a good 5 years or so struggling to reconcile my understanding. It debilitated me and I almost killed myself so, so many times, just from the pain of confusion and despair of not knowing who was "wrong" or what was really happening all those years. It has taken still about 3 years of studying healing techniques and trauma theories, by myself, to get to a stage where I could see myself interacting meaningfully with another human, and have a life and for once I have true hope that it is getting better and I can maybe be myself again one day. Not that I ever have been a full expression of myself due to my burdens but one day I hope to make the miracle happen.

[@englishroberts7419]

In the end right now I feel I lost my only shoulder to cry on a long time ago(because I finally figured out that they werent fully supportive and part of the abuse was how they responded to my tears with shaming and pretending not to understand why I would be crying, when life circumstances were ridiculous enough in retrospect to make it ptetty obvious why i was crying all the time as a child) and I just feel like I need real love from somebody who is trustworthy. Not to "fix me" but to let me cry on their shoulder for a little bit. It gets worse when you cant trust anyone with that task, or youre so used to bottling it up and your body literally wont let you access the tears in the presence of another human. I feel like that is the source of most of my pain, more than just the anxiety and hypervigilant moments, which are frustrating but my isolation is really what threatens to do me in, in the long run. I do have hope though that it is starting to improve. Lots of self work trying to unlock the door, while being in the right frame of mind to understand when it is safe for that door to be unlocked as well as preventing myself from losing my shit all over again if I did start the crying on the shoulder thing with somebody. I wouldnt want to overwhelm anybody, should probably just get a therapist but I feel like maybe it wont have the same effect of just having a person who cares

[@englishroberts7419]

I just realized that almost all of my life Ive been so used to not being cared about that i forgot how to tell when it was genuine and there for me. Im still so sensitive around people it might take a while to be able to relax enough to let it happen, but progress is good at least

[@AntonySammeroff]

excellent useful practical video thank you so much for posting will share on social media

[@adrianfeeger]

This was an excellent video, thank you :)

[@DaminalTheAminal]

I am so glad I found your videos. They are so thoughtful, insightful, and so needed. I was recently reading something on how the subconscious works and it mentioned that your subconscious does not hear the word "NOT" so.. If you say I'm NOT lazy, stupid, disgusting" .. your subconscious only hears "I am lazy, etc". It might be more effective to say the affirmative opposite "I am hardworking, industrious, intelligent, peaceful, calm, sane...". Keep up the GREAT work!!

[@jude3039]

I highly advocate the two tasks described here; I have used parallel techniques over the years with surprising, and even shockingly good, success. Thank you for sharing this.

[@KFingR]

I found this very helpful. Thank you so much.

[@alaysiakayebutler6299]

and a tendency to attract nothing but personalities that are abusive in some way...even when you think initially they present differently..but it's superficial

[@AuggieX1]

Richard -- you are amazing. I found you a week ago and have been watching your videos daily. I just came out of a marriage to a narcissist and you have helped me with the healing process. Job well done. ---------'I know NOW --- it isn't ME...'

[@amberh3924]

Thank you 4 years later for this video!!!

[@yvaz3373]

I may be wrong but toxic shame is rarely caused by one or two events...is it? usually is a process where shaming was part of it, like abusive parents or an abusive relationship...you can try to remember one event or two and change the outcome in your mind but you still have a lot of other moments that were equally difficult. May be in more recent events when toxic shame is triggered this technique may work

[@notyourblonde]

If I could remember all of the shaming situations......90% of my childhood is blank. Main one I do remember tho......I was about 6 years sober and the vivid memory came to me.......I was standing at the bottom of the stairway beside my older brother......(house where we grew up).......I remember being scolded terribly by my mother and she was screaming at me ( I was 3, my brother was 12) "what's WRONG with you !?!?!? ............what were YOU thinking!!?!?!?" Those words went straight to my core being, still trying to undo all of that toxic crap.........this was her reaction to both of us, after my brother was caught molesting me up stairs in the bedroom. The screaming parent was ? Idk ? Where !!! Blamed me for not protecting me from something I didn't DO. WTH, I just want the shit to stop triggering, stop sabotaging.....stop the fear, fawn crap......been working on myself to heal and get better for long time. I very much appreciate your work Richard.

[@MissBluebirddays]

Jesus christ, that must have been awful. I can't help but feel pretty intense rage towards your mother for reacting in that way. I'm so sorry. Wishing you all the very best in your healing x

[@pietbliksem]

Thanks for giving me hope, Richard. I'm going to fix this. Like I fixed my smoking.

[@nunya257]

Thank you for this video! I’ve just recently realized my root problem, underlying every other issue in my life, is shame. Shame and the anger that comes with it. I didn’t know how to deal with it though, and I haven’t found any other info as concrete and doable as this. I’m on it! I’ll definitely be doing these exercises.

[@satvinderpatel7349]

Thank you so much for your help Richard Grannon and all of the nice women who have made helpful comments even if only to be words of encouragement, I never had that growing up. No one ever said good job, you can do it, I believe in you, this is how you do it, would you like some help, you need to do this, do this to have a better life. I never even got high school photographs growing up. My mother wouldn't give me money for them. When I graduated high school as an adult, I bought myself some. I didn't feel the pride I would have liked as many shamed me into not going to my graduation as I did it as an adult. I did take the photograph part.

[@kathrynhelms5399]

This was very helpful and I plan to put it into practice in my healing process! Thanks for giving me something practical and a place to jump start from!

[@oliviaswann4686]

This is concise and really useful. Worth trying, thanks.

[@Jennie-kx3et]

Just read your blog, such good work! I'll have a go at the exercises :)

[@SuperAnthony47]

thanks pal, i like your style and your very well informied, your productions ae very helpfull, best wishes with life Anthony Dublin City

[@LaraBoons]

You gave me there some nice insights. I had days ago a nice police invitation and even I was under stress, needed to take some adrenaline PacMan eating drugs, to safe me from headaches or worse. This men I saw was a CopyCcat in behavior of even my sister, some others persons. All is NOT relevant, cause he saw contextless a crime. Since my November re-experience something snapped in me and I am not myself anymore, but ... I sat almost in his neck behind his desk. He cursed at me, cause he was loosing grip on me.So I've won a little bit, against a control-freak of a men that does everything to make you lower them him, out of transsexual hate. It's what somebody with C-PTSD said, act ! Act out ! The next time I will stand on his desk with his behavior. To bring him out of balance ! Isn't that the same of your Intent Violent Course you sell around ?

[@a.carellyvazquezvenegas3103]

Thank you for sharing this ideas. I need it to hear all of this 💛

[@liabeachy]

Thankyou ! I just had an aha moment realising the toxic shame started with my grandmother who forced to me to walk naked through her home naked as punishment for having a bath when I started my period . I was 12 . She had 6 sisters and they visited often and I was so embarrassed and didn’t understand what or why I had to be humiliated Like that . It’s been a domino affect of others ppls sick view of my sexuality and this is me now actually saying it and will try this . It might the thing that finally breaks the curse of shame . Never have had my power put back in this format . Bless u 🙏

[@Nitya-r86]

Hi, I'm so awfully sorry you had to go through this. Your grandma must've been really evil to do something like that. Wish you speedy healing and recovery.

[@lauraelzey6371]

Is what you are talking about kind of like IFS (internal family system) therapy?

[@montelo555]

Beautifully explained brother.

[@jdfirewalker]

These exercises really helped me. Even though, I don't remember what the abuse was about the re-parenting was an awesome experience. Thank you.

[@sage9836]

Having a term for the shame voice helps conquer it. Also, the term "trauma-bound", that you accidentally stumbled across is really anazing, like a term related to the descriptive term "spellbound."

[@thewhiteportugeuseisnotama9982]

What if you have done something wrong too someone yourself and live with the shame of it even though you were a child yourself at the time and cannot forgive yourself?

[@d.maureenmcdonald9052]

Thank you Richard! I just left my abusive Narc lawyer ex and I'm now feeling legitimized. Im also a musician and music is helping.

[@amyalexandria444]

thanks for all the videos!!!

[@mallory5872]

I need this exercise for dealing with shame when IM WRONG. I have borderline disorder and come from an extremely narcissistic histrionic family. I find myself less and less able to face my own mistakes. I have been driven into total isolation. It's excruciating.

[@sandragrace4613]

Go Richard!

[@narcbusters9061]

I was horrifically abused by my mother and sister for many years that caused deep toxic shame that was hidden from me. That shame has driven all the bad decisions of my life for 20 years. They convinced me that I was an unfit mother and couldn't raise my child by myself. I internalized that false belief and it led to 2 decades of me looking for a man to help me raise my children because I thought I couldn't do it on my own. Every man I brought into my kids lives abused them and me. Today I am aware of my shame and I have broken the cycle of searching for a man to help me raise my kids and I am no longer ashamed to be a single mother.

[@jenniferusnick5195]

You don’t do one on one coaching anymore do you?

[@Irene-gq4jr]

Richard, your intro summed things up beautifully for me. I'm on a more even keel than ever before, but continue to work on the things that hold me back so I return to your videos periodically for inspiration. I find writing very therapeutic, and I've also found myself both at home or outdoors talking over a dialogue from the past and calling the abuser a cunt out loud, and in some cases in my mind I've hit them back. Maybe a twisted version of 'The Chair', where you visualize the abuser sitting in a chair and forgiving them. To forgive them for me means identifying with why they did what they did, and I can't honestly do that for I don't want to even get into the mindset that could treat their own flesh and blood like they did to me. I've tried that and thinking as an adult of how I would treat a child (with love, patience and compassion, also with fairness and if they are out of line telling them why rather than telling them they're shit) it makes me hate them even more. Calling them a cunt in my mind's eye and saying out loud 'Enough, no more of this' works much better for me. It can hurt to emotionally distance family members but I really believe it's the only way to heal when so much damage was done by them.

[@LadyBug3178]

I would like to hear more on this, maybe some examples and scenarios to illustrate the points. When I think about moments in childhood and adolescence when I was treated unkindly, with anger and contempt, I can't help but think that there must have been something about me that welcomed and encouraged this kind of treatment. I'm sure I simply had no understanding of how to set healthy boundaries, and appeared weak. I think that the person sending the unspoken message that I was a burdensome nuisance deserving of and in need of a harsh scolding thought they were doing the right thing to help me become a better person.

[@catsmeow3478]

LadyBug3178 I have wondered the same, even in adulthood with similar treatment from other abusive adults. My mother used to do exactly what you mentioned at the end - treat me abusively, shame me relentlessly and tell me it was for my own good, that she loved me and it pained her to do it. Just as in Richard’s examples. I have since learned she has massive childhood wounds from her narcissistic mother and had no emotional insight or intelligence, did no healing work, disassociated and simply carried it down to her children. Sadly, my younger brother drank himself to death and she blamed him, calling him an emotional midget after he died. I have been retraumatized my whole life and have spent a lifetime doing inner work to heal. Richard is a godsend, putting the missing pieces together. Bless you on your continued journey. 😊🙏❤️

[@brittanycurley9689]

Thank you so much for this video.

[@burningknuckle26]

its cool that you like martial arts too... my narc mom wrecked my life and i feel drawn to martial arts and combat.

[@daytripper8731]

Hello. I find your videos very insightful. I've come a long way in my healing from being the scapegoat in the family unit and also past abusive relationships. Your words and your sharing of experiences help me so much. Thank you. I was wondering if you had any videos or podcasts regarding toxic co workers. I work in close proximity with an extremely dysfunctional individual. She's not just only a backstabbing gossiper, she is super negative and a brown noser to the highest degree. She's condescending, insulting, demeaning....I could go on and on. Normally with a toxic co worker, you can get away from them. I can't. She's right beside me. Also, she's not just one the things I pointed out above. She is all of them. I love my job and everyone else there. I'm at my wits end with her though. I've bent and molded every way I know how in order to gain some sort of professional atmosphere and respect. It always, inevitably, ends up backfiring on me and it seems to make things even worse. She's ruthless. This is all now affecting my job performance and I'm ready to leave. Please help. Kind regards. Thank you for all your inspiration. Kim

[@daytripper8731]

P.S. I've made several attempts at being the listener, being compassionate and showing empathy towards her. It just makes it worse and I don't understand why. She levels up her insults and cruelty every time I show compassion or offer friendship. I'm at a loss.

[@dbrowne9341]

very very helpful, thanks so much!

[@Balmorian]

Thanks Rich for providing these tools. Now instead of just hashing the old hurts over and over in my journal and merely reliving them, I can provide some effective response to my unpleasant memeoreis.

[@brianreed2567]

These shaming exercises are working today. I just remembered this is what I did last time, to get myself out of a rut. I just forgot about it. it was a step forward.

[@beckermoody7261]

What if you have no one to talk to? Certainly no one who wouldn't continue to hurt you. I want to be better

[@sharonedwards6010]

Thank you for this. Mental Health community needs to talk more on Toxic Shame, in my opinion depression is a sympton of so many things, toxic shame is one of them but it,s not brought up in the mental health department.

[@whatwhyandwhos68]

Wow have really found your channel a great re enforcement of strategies coming naturally into play. Knitting or new things with ones hands is also great and strangling the inner critic.

[@frankl6818]

A lot of Richard's techniques have worked for me. Currently I'm employing the techniques mentioned in this video to get rid of my toxic shame about a personal issue I couldn't get rid of for years: bad feelings about personal finances. What I found out in my work is that my abuser, my mother, broke down my personal boundary at a very early age, as early as four (I have a vivid memory of an incident that would be considered very cruel to a four year old). I would now consider the event as abuse, but I had never thought of it that way before. This is probably because it wasn't physically violent nor sexual. As I've stated, it didn't involve any kind of violence, but it did strip me of my sense of security and comfort. I never thought that incident would have anything to do with my other issue, but what I'm now realizing is that she had done a good job of creating my porous ego boundary from early on. Therefore, the other stuff she did later on, was done with little resistance from me, since she had already broken me down. She used to borrow money from me and would later say she couldn't remember. Yeah, real nasty stuff like that. Of course, she never gave anything to me but always needed stuff from me... Yuck! My ex., a borderline, also tried to do something similar, which was to mess with my head and tried to break me down, but I resisted and she got very upset and did everything in her power to turn me into a bad boyfriend. That's the image she wanted to create in my own head. She made herself as a victim, and she responded with such drama to the smallest issues, so that for awhile I almost believe I was a bad person. She was trying to guilt trip and shame me so that she can control my feelings, and ultimately my thoughts as well. All I wanted at the time was some space to think about our relationship, and I hinted at the idea of having a break, and she got so angry with it and did everything to make me out to be an evil person. And the reason I wanted to break up with her was she was becoming more of a jerk, as we became more involved.

[@blissfulbaboon]

Oh god ,me!Very critical healing tools.Thank you so much!

[@sarah_b_555]

Why do you not do coaching any more?

[@kellymawston9991]

You are the bomb, thank you for all of your info and knowledge

[@nicholascunning1117]

Women who have been "damaged" go on damaging other people... just like men do. They may do in in different ways; BUT THEY ARE JUST AS BAD..... horrible people are just horrible people. MAKE NO EXCUSES.

[@gamerchristina1079]

I LOVED IT! GREAT VIDEO! THANK YOU SO MUCH!