Trans r/AITA Posts That Broke My Mind

Here are some of the juiciest trans specific r/AmITheA-hole posts that you'll ever read. Help me pass judgement in the comments below.
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[@vixevinweria8400]

If your family is bigoted against your daughter you ghost your family not your daughter.

[@CoMorbiditty]

Well said!!!

[@Literally_a_Moth]

Well said!!!

[@botanicalitus4194]

This was said very well

[@flibbertygibbette]

The dad responded in comments that he has cancelled Christmas with his family and will be spending it with his daughter, and that he's going to no longer make excuses for or tolerate their treatment of her.

[@SarastistheSerpent]

Agree 100%

[@Stinkehund]

"I don't see my daughter as often as i'd like" - proceeds to plan and schedule everything as such so his daughter is out of the picture as much as possible and is then astounded that his daughter correctly assesses herself as his lowest priority and doesn't want to deal with his shit anymore. What a prick.

[@simonmetoxen9270]

literally, he could have picked even ONE thing to not do for christmas plans. He kept saying getting closer to her and reconnecting was important but obviously either it isnt as important as hes making it sound or he's just trying to prop himself up and not actually care about his relationship with his daughter

[@VFuzball]

Literally like... Everyone else he's prioritizing over his daughter has someone else to spend Christmas with, when his daughter might not have anyone.

[@charisma-hornum-fries]

Besides you phenomenal handle. That is what he is.

[@thatscrewedprude8717]

"Mentally unstable" was my moms favorite claim. You try going thru puberty as a trans child and not be unstable, in an abusive home.

[@therideneverends1697]

Frankly i dont understand how someone going through dysphoria WHILE in a unaccommodating environment could even be expected to be stable in the first place. Thats a whole rollercoaster to start with, unless they are helping they have no room to quip

[@MsYoruichi1]

​@@therideneverends1697hey, hi, I'm the one it's me 😅 I am getting a timeline out in therapy, and the years of 10-late teens I what I call the Dark Ages...and external trauma wasn't even that bad at the time. Being gaslit for years over anything(Like I get a bowl of cereal for myself and it's all "You didn't do that I did, I have to do everything and you're ungrateful" and already big time dissociation kept me in a bad place. They were the matches and lighter fluid added to hormone fueled dysphoria. On top of that 12-17 is when all the old(like 50+)men started hardcore harassing me

[@wolfman-zd1ed]

​@@therideneverends1697 Everyone is expected to just "act normal" and it's bullshit. No matter what happens to you or what issues you may have. If you're "weird" you're subhuman.

[@therideneverends1697]

@@MsYoruichi1 Different situation but yeah teens? not a good time for me. I feel like the fact i have a near photographic memory otherwise but my brain often refuses to let me access things from the "16-22 box" is probably an indication it was no good for upstares

[@niccidean2659]

😢

[@Anarchist_Angel]

People: *intentionally hurt children, teenagers or young adults* The affected person: *is sad* People: "How dare you be hurt?!?"

[@SodaCider641]

Sadly, those type of people don’t take accountability for their actions as well as the consequences. If someone constantly harasses and bullies others, the people affected are going to be mentally and emotionally hurt. Transphobia is bullying and sexism with extra steps and discrimination involved.

[@Sharkakaka]

Actually is more like "how dare you make me seem like a bad person for hurting you!"

[@homeopathicfossil-fuels4789]

@@SodaCider641 Transphobia is a lot more than just bullying, getting SWATted by your highschool for telling someone blinding you with a laser to fuck off, then having a loaded gun pointed at you by police officers with all the transphobic fear and hate and none of the critical thinking skills goes a bit beyond bullying. This is an example that has happened IRL.

[@Shortkingharry]

Agree with this, except one thing, it's not just young people that have these things happen to them, and it's not okay to erase them either, source: I'm a 42 y/o transgender man that has had people around me say and do things that have deeply hurt my feelings, I can deal with it, but I'm not the only middle aged person that has had it happen and those people feelings, my feelings, and yours ( and everyone else's) are totally valid.

[@Picking.a.name.is.hard1]

"They're so EMOTIONAL" like yes mf the most important people in their lives that are supposed to be in their corner keep hurting and disappointing them??!?¿ Id be fucking emotional too tf you mean?

[@DogMechanic]

Dude, if your bros are really your bros, they're not gonna be like "no, you have to blow off your own child to hang out with us!", they're gonna be like "lets throw your kid a christmas party!"

[@0_Aconite_0]

wholesome Christmas movie plot

[@blood-soup]

EXACTLY!!!

[@katharineeavan9705]

honestly, one of my first thoughts was "why can't she do xmas with you and your friends?". Then I realised what the friend groups of deadbeat dads with transphobic fiancees they prioritise over their children are likely to have created as a tradition since high school and realised it probably isn't child friendly OR girl friendly OR trans friendly

[@DogMechanic]

​@@katharineeavan9705 That's part of why I implied that he is, indeed, the Ahole. If your "friends" are too toxic to bring your kid around, then they probably are happy to treat you with the same kind of toxicity and aren't really your friends. The only reason to defend that is because he wants an outlet to be toxic, too. Like, when he gets old and is living in assisted living, who does he think is gonna come visit him? His buddies? Dream on. lol And his daughter sure won't either if he keeps actin' like a fool.

[@Picking.a.name.is.hard1]

RIGHT?! Like if my friend came to me like "hey I have this issue, I really want to celebrate Christmas with my daughter but my family is horrible to her, can we reschedule or skip this year?" Id DEFINITELY ask if there is ANYTHING I can do to help! As you said, lets throw our own christmas party! I cant ever imagine my reaction being "no thats UNFAIR" 😂 Like Im not a kindergartner wtf To be fair to his friend we dont know how theyd react, he is assuming theyd be mad or sth.

[@charlie2.048]

The cake one pisses me off because it's one thing for an elderly relative with dementia to call you the wrong name because...dementia. But the AUNT could have remedied this and simply reminded grandma about the name. And also, something tells me the AUNT lettered it herself.

[@gangewifre]

I feel like there were so many instances of the aunt being able to gently steer the grandma to using the correct name. Baking and decorating a cake isn't like a simple blink-and-you-miss-it event, especially for someone with dementia getting helped by a caretaker.

[@gferraro2916]

and even if it was something the grandma did and the aunt completely missed (which I'm not buying) when she got in the kitchen and saw it she could come out, gently take the girl and dad to the side and explain what had happened and be considerate instead of surprising a literal kid with THE worst possible birthday gift

[@DogMechanic]

Same thought. Even if the 90 year old grandma put it there, doubt it was done with the intent to upset the kid on her part- but the aunt...

[@toddashi]

@@gferraro2916 Or if she really did miss it, she could have covered up the deadname with frosting so it just said Happy Birthday. The aunt is to blame here.

[@vanesag.9863]

@@gferraro2916 or scrape off the name. Better a hole than a deadname. Put the candles over the hole and "tachaaaan": a non offending cake. There is a possibility that the birthday girl saw the hole, but I feel she wasn't going to complain because the family tried not to misgender her. I think she would be happy her familiy accepted her trying to cover the grandma "mistake". That aunt is fishy.

[@Junosensei]

I had just started presenting as a woman a few months before my sister's wedding, but I hadn't been out to my extended family yet. My mother begged me to go as my pre-transition self because we both thought some people in the family would be transphobic. I agreed because this wedding was for my sister, and I didn't want a controversy over me to take up time, energy, and space meant for her. I didn't like having to do it, but it wasn't the biggest deal in the grand scheme because it would be the last time I ever had to do that, ever. This was about 5 years ago now. Last week, my sister suddenly texted me out of nowhere about how she misses me (we live in different states) and harbors a deep regret for the wedding, not only because she already divorced the guy and it was expensive, but also very specifically because she really wanted me to be my best self at her wedding and she knew I wasn't able to because of her. I cried. It wasn't a huge deal to me and the frustration and pain from doing that evaporated quickly after it was done, but she held onto it because she truly, truly cares for me. I told her it was time to let go of it. I love her so much. As a bonus, though, both sides of my family have since come around, some quicker than others. My uncle was the last person to be openly transphobic and refuse to use my name and pronouns, but a few Christmases ago, I did art for everyone in the family, and I treated him no differently. I did an illustration of his dog he cares so much about, with a cool custom picture frame to boot. Apparently it meant a lot to him because he hesitated a little before he finally called me by my name and gave me a big hug. He still struggles with the pronouns, but the fact he consciously tries to get it right is enough for me. I had every right to be upset with his attitude, but that's just not who I am. I think once people see me as the genuine person I am, the trans thing isn't all that hard to accept. "Kill them with kindness", or so they say. Lol [Edit one month later] Speaking of my sister and Christmas, y'all, she got me a freaking PS5 for my gift this year... ;o; I don't even know what to do...!!!

[@paulhammond6978]

I'm pleased to hear that your family all came around in the end, even the difficult ones. Eventually, they all saw you for who you are. It's great to hear of such a positive story.

[@riseofdarkleela]

i choked up a little when i heard about the dog portrait. you sound like an amazing person

[@crazydragy4233]

​@@riseofdarkleela Ikr? Definetly a profesional kindness assassin

[@Wanderlust06705]

Some people never change and we can’t force them too. However, some people do. I think the best way to influence someone is just by being a kind and good person. It might take time, but I genuinely believe some people just need to exposure, patience and education

[@Junosensei]

@@riseofdarkleela - Ahahaha. Thanks.

[@apathysatragedy3114]

2nd Poster: lists all the things he puts above his daughter, including his bros and the homophobic family who are actively cruel to her Also 2nd poster: acts surprised when she feels like the lowest priority in his life

[@RaineInChaos]

It's fucking wild. He's VERY LITERALLY saying "I want to fit her in, but all these things take precedence so why does she think I prioritize them before her" Like, rank these events, my dude. You have work, family, ILs, friends, and daughter. Put them in order from "absolutely mandatory" to "could skip if I had to." The fact that you're treating all of them as set in stone except your daughter makes it pretty clear

[@JD-ju9kg]

It's fucking wild. He's VERY LITERALLY saying "I want to fit her in, but all these things take precedence so why does she think I prioritize them before her" Like, rank these events, my dude. You have work, family, ILs, friends, and daughter. Put them in order from "absolutely mandatory" to "could skip if I had to." The fact that you're treating all of them as set in stone except your daughter makes it pretty clear

[@sundalosketch4769]

wtf is going on with these replies?

[@RaineInChaos]

@@sundalosketch4769 I am very confused... I actually wrote the first one. Maybe it's a weird YT glitch?

[@SilverAceOfSpades]

​@@RaineInChaos NotVille's just a troll

[@R0mbVs]

Last one is DEFINITELY the asshole. Also geez why would they marry someone transphobic if they really care about the sister? Not buying that. It says fake supportive.

[@QueenaMab]

Yeah I mean have a civil wedding - the chips and dip would suck, but the *memories* would be nice 😕

[@ciarancooper394]

​@NotVille_ why do you copy all the comment replies?

[@BabbleCacophony]

It sounds like she is supportive as long as it doesn't inconvenience her.

[@erinhaury5773]

​@@ciarancooper394 They're a known troll on several YT channels. Just block them and save yourself some future headaches.

[@runew9732]

Yeah, at best, they have absolutely zero spine

[@draughtoflethe]

Outing the cousin: Here's the thing. I can believe that OP outed his cousin by genuine accident, believing the friend already knew. Honest mistake. But, when you make a mistake that accidentally harms someone, you apologize. That's just manners. You didn't mean to wrong them, but you did anyway, oops, I'm sorry. OP didn't do that, and in my book that's where he became the AH. He doubled down and blamed the cousin rather than just saying "oops, my bad, sorry about that."

[@KitKatHexe]

I'd say neither him nor the cousin are the asshole, this is a clear case of miscommunication, and while it ended poorly, to put either party at fault would be unjust.

[@ravenfrancis1476]

@@KitKatHexe No, the OP was the AH for how he reacted to the cousin calling him on it.

[@KitKatHexe]

@@ravenfrancis1476 the only thing we know about how he reacted is that he explained his mistake, and that there ended up being an argument, of which we have the vague subject of "the Internet is forever" which while it could be interpreted as an attempt to victim blame that's far from the only thing it could have meant. We know nothing else. Anyone saying otherwise is either jumping to conclusions, or attributing an explanation as an excuse. IMO there's not enough information provided to give a condemnation to this guy, and I sure as shit wouldn't condemn his cousin for being upset at being outed under any circumstances. Shit happens, sometimes shit goes wrong and people fall out when neither of them are truly at fault.

[@xcastielx]

​​​@@KitKatHexehe's the asshole in the situation, because responding to someone's hurt with "well the internet is forever" is a weird deflection, like what kind of discussion is that to bring up given what their cousin was upset about? Sure everyone makes little social blunders sometimes, but everyone also has asshole moments. If I had that interaction, I'd walk away thinking what a dick that guy was. He was the asshole in that moment at least lol

[@onyxtay7246]

@@KitKatHexe Having been outed, I would absolutely blame the person who did so. Just like the others have already said, you apologize when you hurt someone. It's the right thing to do. Outing someone creates a threat which may not have previously existed. You know, the thing that *literally* *happened* here, where a bunch of homophobic assholes started harassing a trans person? Knowledge is power. Knowledge about another person is power over that person. It doesn't matter if someone could have gotten that information elsewhere, if you offered a bigot a target you're still responsible for the consequences of your actions.

[@EINHORNPRINZ-q5k]

i'm trans ftm at the beginning of transition who has a grandma with dementia and oh let me tell you it is HARD. I love her, she's my granny but I 100% know that she won't be able to call me by my chosen name for the (hopefully long) rest of her life. Visiting her at the retirement home is so so difficult and bittersweet for me because I WILL be dead named and have to suck it up for that half hour I try to make simple conversation with her. To all those who have to go through similar stuff: You got this. Big virtual hugs to you all.

[@jondusseldorf1103]

From my experience with my grandma who had dementia too; there will come the time where she won't be able to recognize family members. As unfortunate as that is, from that time on, visits will be so much easier, because you can say you are 'your name', her grandson. My grandmother accepted it without ever questioning and I am sure she felt that someone she knew was there caring for her. Regardless of name or gender. Only bad thing, I got accused from my sister that I would confound her with that. When I was the one visiting her the most so that she is not so lonely.

[@EINHORNPRINZ-q5k]

@@jondusseldorf1103 thank you so much for sharing your experience! It must sound incredibly mean to people who were never in my/our shoes when I say I am basically waiting for the day she'll forget about my old self so that I can re-introduce myself to her as the person I truly am. ngl I'm scared of my parents thinking that I'm using her memory loss to my advantage or that I'm messing with her. after all, that's why i've been enduring misgendering (really only at the retirement home though) for quite a while. In the end all I can hope for is that our granny-grandchild-bond transcends my gender and her illness eventually and it won't matter anymore in the face of love. i hope it can happen like that.

[@FlotsamCarnage]

Yep same, I just wrote a comment about the exact same thing with my grandma. It helps a little knowing that she's not doing it on purpose and in fact, she is not even aware whatsoever that she forgot my transition. Still hurts to hear though.

[@kymo6343]

Bless you for doing your best for her and having patience. It might hurt to hear your deadname, but it's better than her forgetting you completely I'm sure...

[@catlovingnerd21]

that's really rough, and I'm sorry that's happening to you. I wish I could say it gets easier, but it'll only get harder the more her mind slips. I hope you have a good support system otherwise ❤ my grandpa has dementia as well, but he chooses to misgender me. it's not the dementia with him. when he's talking to anyone else about me and they correct him, he starts using the right band and pronouns and even asks about my transition. when I'm there, he goes back to misgendering purposely no matter how often he's corrected. my voice is even low now, it's a choice. he's a piece of shit in general tho lol, which is why I don't visit often and hide in my room the majority of the time we're there when we go. he's my last living grandparent, so idk what any of the others would have been like after I came out. I'd like to think they would have at least been respectful.

[@moose4036]

I've been out for seven years to my family yet I'm still actively misgendered. I'm literally ok with they/them or he/him. Even said they can use my current name Moose or an old Nickname from a past name, Elly. Any day id prefer to have someone use my name than she/her. I've given them too many options. Using a name is okay in place of pronouns. It hurts less for me personally

[@Imjustkendall]

Im so sorry for that, I really hope you can find a new support system soon…if it means anything I’m also trans and I’m wishing you luck and stuff. Your family can go Kick absolute ROCKS.

[@StudlyFudd13]

Im in the same situation. Ive been out for 3 years and my family has done everything in their power to bury the fact that I am trans. Deadname misgender etcetc.

[@nathanjasper512]

So your Name is moose but your profile is a mouse? That's confusing.

[@moose4036]

@@nathanjasper512 Actually, a rat. His name was opossum and he was a past pet rat i owned. I never had the heart to change the picture because it makes me happy to see him randomly. I get that though haha

[@adrianghandtchi1562]

That’s how you know they aren’t forgetful and beyond incompetent, that’s malice. Repeated and knowing incompetence is known as greys law. Weaponized incompetence/ malice.

[@ClancyNacht]

All I can really think about is the nightmare of marrying a transphobe. I think what she may wind up looking at about that day is what a huge red flag that was, and how she let her parents control her and got into an even bigger mess. I mean, my god, a REPLACEMENT son? These people's love is so conditional that they'll just up and replace their own flesh and blood? That whole situation sounds unsafe, not just for a trans woman but kind of anyone they'll inevitably disagree with.

[@demidevilqueen]

I can't imagine learning my partner is bigotted in some way and still wanting to get married in general. That relationship either has some really bad communication/power imbalances, or the sibling themselves also shares enough transphobic sentiment themselves, for their fiancé and parents sentiment to not be a deal breaker.

[@ClancyNacht]

@@demidevilqueen That relationship for sure has some terrible power imbalances just radiating off it, but it's also something this sort of "conservative" cult grooms their kids with. I do think it says something about her that she is trying to maintain a relationship with her sister, and I think she would, in the end, be happier as a person and with herself if she saw that through. It seems like she's weighing this possible idea of what looks to her like stability against her love for her sister. And I just don't think the stability she perceives is real, because bigots always move goal posts.

[@richardryley3660]

Yep, that was what was the final red flag for me. That woman may think she chose her husband, but she didn't, her parents did, and since they "failed" to raise a son they made sure to find a new son they can use to keep their daughter in line as well. This sounds like a horribly toxic family.

[@waffles3629]

Yep, like she chose her transphobic parents and transphobic partner over her trans sibling and thinks she's an ally because she uses her sister's name? Yeah, no, that's not how that works.

[@Oreganoothyme]

Yeah full on abusive family. Bride's still the asshole. But an asshole that needs some serious therapy. She's grown up in that toxic system and suffered from it too, the worst of it probably the nasty fiancé. I hope that she learns to set boundaries and take responsibility for herself and her complicity to that messed up system. Probably projecting loads, though, as I'm currently learning to set boundaries with toxic parents and recognise how I oppressed younger siblings as the parentified eldest. It's a lot.

[@Indi3R]

when my niece got married she invited everyone but excluded me because i am trans. We haven't spoken in 20 years. She has had plenty of time to make amends but just chose not to. I been separated from 95% of my family for 30 years because i am trans. I just have my sister and 2 brothers. One of them is super entitled. It really sucks. My parents were both good but my father died when in my ealry transition and my mum died in 2014. This feel of rejection I will take to the grave. You cant choose your family. Oh and congrats

[@echoawoo7195]

@azertyuiopqsdfghjklm Your statement implies it was Indi's choice to go NC, Indi's statement implies it was their family's choice to go NC. The wording is likely intentional to highlight this. While your goals were admirable, you didn't look for reasonable alternative potential explanations or interpretations.

[@brglbrmft]

that sucks! i would love to have a trans sibling and protect them from everyone else. 😡

[@mjones8170]

Maybe your niece doesn't appreciate woman face.

[@jetsam666]

@@brglbrmft *chuckles* my younger sis, when I came out as a trans guy, said "Congratz! I always wanted a brother but never got one until now." To my fiance (her future brother in law) she said she always wanted a younger brother (yepp I am gay) where my fiance replied that he always wanted a younger sister. I am grateful I am one of the lucky transgender people who doesn't have to deal with much harrassment or trouble in my country or around here where I live.

[@calvinpell1738]

You can’t choose your blood family, but you can choose your found family. I hope you already have people in your life who will support you and care for you, but even if you haven’t, you will. Never give up on making your life and those of the people you care about the best it can ever be. Keep fighting for all of us (I’m non-binary and ace)!

[@matthewgordon3281]

My daughter came out as trans. Any of my extended family that doesn't except that can piss off. My kids come first, I love and support them as they are and as they want to be.

[@StudlyFudd13]

I wish I was your kid.

[@waffles3629]

​@@StudlyFudd13 same, it's been almost 8 years and my mother still pretends I never came out. Like the fact that I'm trans will somehow come up, and she'll act like this is absolutely brand new information that she's never heard before. Conveniently "forgetting" about the three months after I came out in which she didn't talk to me, including hanging up when I called her from the ER. My father is still trying to convince me "to just be a lesbian". I'm aroace.

[@StudlyFudd13]

@@waffles3629....I feel that 3 month silence though. When I came out I knew they would try to cover it up so I came out on Facebook so all of their friends could see (didn't matter, they all live in denial anyways) But they ghosted me for 6 months.

[@missnaomi613]

Two of my 3 kids are trans. I have disowned a couple of transphobic relatives. No regrets. If a potential partner of mine was anything less than enthusiastically supportive, then they wouldn't be a potential partner of mine.

[@caffetiel]

Based as hell parents in here ✊

[@gangewifre]

A sister not getting invited to the wedding is a life-altering decision that will haunt OP for a long time. Not having extravagant flowers or what-have-you is a blip on the radar, and won't matter for much in the long-term. But your sister not coming to your wedding is top tier telling her that she doesn't matter to you. Also that aunt with the birthday cake is sus. Letting someone with dementia bake AND decorate a cake and never once saying anything about a mistake like the wrong name and blaming it on the grandma is such BS. It's beyond cruel to OP's daughter to tell her that she needs to be "grateful" but also fully blaming the grandma when she needs help is fucked up.

[@XenithShadow]

Unfortunatly she's kinda screwed either way. Either she gets free wedding and no sister. or she get small wedding no parents and probably still doesn't get her sister there since her fiancee doesn't like her sister. She calls of marriage and marries someone who likes her sister, who would support her wish to have her sister at the wedding.

[@niccidean2659]

Simple, don’t marry someone with values you don’t agree with…or does she quietly agree??

[@beafraid5467]

​@@niccidean2659thinking that her sister’s identity is an okay think to be in ’disagreement’ with is very telling

[@dorianleakey]

@@XenithShadow Its a semi arranged marriage, from the looks of things. Why she would marry someone like that is a mystery.

[@dorianleakey]

@@niccidean2659 My guess is she doesnt agree despite being raised to agree, so is overly tolerant. She is being cowardly.

[@uS0ra]

how does she still want to marry a guy who's so disrespectful to her sister, major major red flag.

[@bicuriousdirtbikeboi2594]

I love how every AITA story is someone being like “AITA for being born?” And then goes on to talk about them stabbing their mother for getting the wrong color gift for their birthday 😂

[@Nortarachanges]

Or “AITA for stabbing my SO?” And they just ducked when the SO was trying to stab OP

[@mel_gxk]

Right? And there is no in-between lol

[@lazerpie101]

Average AITA post: AITA for calling the cops on my boyfriend for playing videogames? I (13f) called the cops on my boyfriend (45m) after he broke my arm with a bat and verbally berated me when I told him that it's unhealthy to play for 18 hours a day on his ps5. So reddit AITA?

[@mewtuwa]

I love the thinly veiled transphobia that seems to mar every AITA post. 😒

[@isdrakon9802]

Its either that or they are the obvious victim in the scenario and you just want to slap them for not noticing

[@shadesofcallum]

my thoughts on them 1: dad of the year, not the asshole. if the cake really needed to say anything, it could have just been left at 'happy birthday' or 'happy 17th birthday' and the grandma with dementia doing everything is incredibly suspicious in that the aunt didnt correct her or anything 2: asshole. celebrating the holidays with family should have been her choice and he should have stood up for her to the family members if their transphobia/homophobia is that level of hateful. he also could have changed his plans to center more around her and her safety but he didnt which is why she was right in saying she was low on his priority list 3: not the asshole, still learning. the ally meant well but so did he 4: this is also tricky but if anyones the asshole it is him. he should have asked the cousin first before assuming and being defensive over violence he is responsible for. he and the people his 'friend' blabbed to are definitely in the wrong. 5: asshole. dump the fiance and cut ties with the parents. or at the very least postpone the wedding and talk that out more

[@botanicalitus4194]

also for 4, he wouldnt be an AH in my opinion if he just apologized to the cousin for the mistake. But instead he blamed the cousin for having the insta and not telling him to keep it a secret, which is a given. He shoulda just been like "sorry man I didnt realize it was a secret"

[@shadesofcallum]

@@botanicalitus4194 yeah that was uncalled for

[@eveisunavailable]

I wouldnt too harshly blame the grandma on that first one - there were other people with her that also could have easily noticed and corrected the mistake, and as mentioned the grandma does have memory issues (mild dementia)

[@shadesofcallum]

@@eveisunavailable well yeah thats my point; i dont think the grandma was entirely to blame there and i dont think she would be allowed in the kitchen by herself. i think the aunt is more at fault for not correcting her and more likely using the grandma and her dementia as a shield

[@echoawoo7195]

> 1: dad of the year, not the asshole. if the cake really needed to say anything, it could have just been left at 'happy birthday' or 'happy 17th birthday' and the grandma with dementia doing everything is incredibly suspicious Depends on the dementia, motor function deterioration like in Parkinson's or Alzheimer's, yeah, probably not. FTD, they can retain their motor functions. If the cognitive decline is more age regressive rather than somatic, many early learned skills are fully retained, while later learned skills are "forgotten." (Not quite, but yeah. The motor skills might still be there for it, but the person won't know they know it ) My initial reaction was more along the lines of *slight* overreaction (iff the dementia part is true and the grandma really did it and it was really an honest mistake that nobody caught, a lot of ifs) on the part of the dad and the girl, but the family's follow up to that was just disgusting and shifted the responsibility from the daughter needing to learn to maintain composure back to the family to be adults and understand that children, even 17 year olds, are still learning to manage their emotions and may have moments where a mistake is blown up and to just let them have their moment of agony, apologize, and move on. That's all it had to be at that point. But again, that's assuming a good faith mistake. Which is probably wasn't.

[@dessyboon6637]

my grandmother has dementia and still makes a really good effort to remember my name change, and her carer (my grandad) will remind her when necessary. the first story is totally a case of the grandma not knowing and the aunt maliciously letting her do it because nobody will get mad at an old woman with dementia. shes using that poor old woman as a shield.

[@andrewdiaz3529]

It's awful how Transphobic people will use older people and dementia and memory loss for their bigotry; An older person is either a tool for them to hurt people or use as a shield, OR in the cases when an older person or someone with memory loss is actually accepting then its "their being manipulated into accepting trans!" OR even more disgusting "They have dementia so they're basically brain dead, like anyone who accepts trans people". Transphobia is generally more important than anyone or anything else after a certain point for them

[@renjiai]

I can understand a grandmother with dementia not remembering names. But the Aunt not doing anything is sus. That the aunt calls the girl unstable is telling.

[@PlutosAsleep]

5:28 “Hey grandma! you did so wonderful on the cake, but we have to wipe off and change the name, remember “DEADNAME” goes by Alexis now, and we want to make her happy on her special day!” it’s that easy. ITS THAT EASY.

[@hannarivers5872]

I mean it's just a cake the "daughter" did acr unstable for crying about a cake and the grandmother probably doesn't agree about them being a girl or just won't remember

[@andrewdiaz3529]

​@@hannarivers5872way to miss the point on everything

[@JessicaO490Z]

Heck the aunt probably had to remind Grandma whose birthday was even happening.. 😐

[@TheSorrowfulAngel]

You never had to deal with someone that has dementia, right? Its not easy at all - and in some cases, can lead to stuff like panic attacks. Many people afflicted with dementia pretty much cannot cope with change.

[@salem-01]

@@TheSorrowfulAngelslightly easier change, tell grandma to join the others while the cake is being brought out and scrape off the name and either replace or just get rid of the name entirely

[@ribon-ichigo]

4:31 I agree on the birthday cake. Aunt had every opportunity to step in and correct the cake. And if grandma has dementia, she could very likely think that the cake is for her "grandson" and used the wrong name with unintentional harm. I think the aunt is either A, not qualified in dementia care and can't figure out a way to amicably explain to grandma that Alexis is who she is, or B, transphobic and not willing. the "unstable" comment has me leaning toward B. Either that or gram is also transphobic, happens to have dementia, and aunt is just going along with it rather than being supportive of her niece. 24:20 I also believe she's the asshole. She's marrying someone who's transphobic, her family is transphobic, and she's willing to shun her sister just to keep them all. And based off the edits where she tries to defend/deflect her choice, I also think she may need to sort out her own moral compass.

[@waffles3629]

Yep, like she posted on am I the asshole, and then got mad that people decided she was the asshole. If you're just posting for validation that what you did was right, AITA is the wrong place to go.

[@ToriBelle96]

my brother is trans and one of the funniest but cutest moments was our very religious grandparents on my dad's side wrote my brother a birthday card and got his name wrong lol they put austin instead of ashton but the fact they were trying was just so sweet

[@lemonknife]

my grandparents arent particularly religious or anything but i have had something similar happen where theyd misspell my name on christmas cards etc. i just laughed and was happy they tried at all :)

[@cube_cup]

Story 2, but he is being transphobic. He's prioritising transphobic family over her and has a transphobic lover.

[@epickody3924]

this. its passive transphobia. he may not be entirely transphobic himself, but that is negated by him associating himself with transphobes and not sticking up for his own kid

[@violet7773]

If after a few **years** my fiancée was still "struggling to accept" my trans kid, she would be out the door. In the bin. I would not date a transphobe now, with no kids. But if I had a kid and my kid came out as trans, my partner being accepting of trans people would be the most important thing.

[@darreideamos2309]

I never understood single parents who value a lover over their child. An adult will be fine without that relationship. A child will not be ok with a shitty step parent

[@volk4523]

@@darreideamos2309 Preach to the choir, mine's a TERF.

[@JustAPileOfMaggots]

​@@volk4523 oofff that's rough.... coming from a pretty shitty home relationship I feel you. Stay strong homie

[@RenDoesThings]

afterparty zoom call is the shittiest prize in this arcade

[@SharksGamingCorner]

It's a slap in the face, I'd NEVER speak to human slug sack, because who in there right mind wants a bigot for a marriage partner???

[@tapio_metsola]

The first story makes my heart rejoice. A supportive loving father, fully accepting and loving his daughter (not afraid or embarrassed of her!) I am not transgender, but I am personally disgusted with parents who treat their transgender children like rubbish and can't do even simple little things that would make their child happy. Like what? Is it that hard? I don't think so... Proud of dad from the first post and want to take an example from him, I hope I will be the same cool father in future.

[@Adamant_Adam]

I'm truly glad it's something we are seeing more. But I'll admit, it does paint me green with envy 😅

[@StudlyFudd13]

I am envious of that girl's father....i only have my best friend. My support ends there...

[@volk4523]

It helps me reflect upon my situation very heavily, being that I live in the Appalachian Mountains and trans isn't really a thing around here. It's very common for slip ups to happen, or for it to be just too difficult to be correctly gendered at all. So I just deal with it, and it doesn't really bother me much (thanks shrunken Amygdala!). It just makes me think "am I the asshole" when I have a day of not feeling like being misgendered and deadnamed at a constant so I avoid the family event altogether.

[@xiaojunslefteyebrow]

For the fourth story… he did out his cousin in front of his friend but that was a mistake and the person who outed him in from of everyone else (including transphobic people) was the friend, not OP, so I don’t necessarily think he is the asshole for that, I believe it was an honest mistake. BUT I do 100% think “it’s really your mistake the internet is forever” was an awful thing to say and I even think that’s when he acted like a real asshole

[@rainestorm6029]

I also feel like he's not telling the full truth or lying about parts of the story.

[@beesknees4178]

It’s especially weird too, I feel like OP included the last bit about the funeral to make him seem like he was the rational one

[@Harudodo]

Story 3, as a trans guy myself, someone using my name instead of my pronouns is much better than being misgendered. And even better, it’s not a “I’ll just use you’re name because I don’t like your pronouns” thing, he’s actively trying to get better I understand why Janet would think the way she did, especially if she isn’t trans herself, and I hope Bob comes back and corrects her

[@kittysunlover]

I don't think Janet necessarily needs correcting. As an ally, pointing out that perspective is not necessarily wrong - Janet shouldn't assume she knows better than Bob, but the correct resolution was reached by both parties - OP said he would talk to Bob, and Janet seemed fine with that. Her duty is done, as it were. I've done similar things, where I've taken a friend aside and been like, look, I know you have good intentions but maybe you should think about this or talk to this person because here's a perspective you may not have considered. We're all just looking out for one another - even if unnecessary at the end of the day I'd rather be warned of a danger that didn't do any damage than not warned of one that did.

[@ettinakitten5047]

I get the feeling OP explained the situation poorly to Janet, possibly because it hadn't occurred to him that avoiding pronouns altogether is something some transphobes do.

[@nwyrkmnt]

for number 4, i feel like its tricky. most people voted not the asshole, but in my opinion you never talk about someone's personal stuff like that without speaking with them first. whether you "THOUGHT" everyone knew or not doesn't matter. you always ask.

[@kittysunlover]

That's where I was at, too. One of those, not necessarily AN asshole overall (it does seem like an honest mistake rather than intentionally malicious) but it was definitely an asshole move, for exactly this reason. You just never know what a person might have going on in their private life, especially when it comes to things that society thinks closets should exist for. Even in company that *probably* knows about this or that trans friend, I'm not gonna go off making comments like "since their transition." I honestly found that whole comment to be weird - why would it matter to you that this is a person's first relationship since their transition? Why is that on your brain? Like you could just be like "small world, wow," or "oh weird my cousin hasn't dated in a while, so I was surprised to hear his name come up." No need to mention transitioning.

[@0p0ssum]

for the cousin one, I would say he’s the AH. he didn’t even apologize about outing his cousin, he just immediately got defensive.

[@Kcthetransgirl]

I am so glad my parents chose a gender neutral name for me (Casey). I can't imagine how painful it is to be deadnamed, on top of being misgendered. I have a grandma that hasn't got any signs of dementia, but will magically seem to "forget" that I am a trans woman (this is the only thing she forgets, apparently!) and will constantly misgender me in front of my parents, friends, and family. I'm glad she doesn't also have a deadname to use at her disposal.

[@akuma4321]

eyy my name's casey too!! the difference is i picked my name bc it's gender neutral and i'm enby

[@akuma4321]

also i'm so sorry abt your grandmother, she sucks. you're strong and cool and badass and you'll get through it

[@clancyalexander6192]

Regarding the last post that you read, I think that OP has bigger issues than the situation with their sister. The fact that the parents Have just dropped this person from their lives and the fiance is willing to throw her under the bus just to get something from the parents, means that they're going to be a lot of problems for this person going forward anytime they do something that the parents or the fiance don't agree with.

[@ec9833]

2nd story: I’m tired of parents assuming their adolescents are both, defective adults and irrationally sensitive…and I’m really tired of parents centering themselves and their feelings in relation to their child’s emotions and reactions…and then simply, not listening. The first response was spot on. She TOLD YOUEXACTLY HOW SHE FELT…LOOK AROUND, DUDE. Or just reread your damn post. SMFH…he’s got a kid that communicates in plain English, completely transparent. That’s not a given. 🙄 LISTEN TO YOUR 100% REAL HUMAN KIDS! And stop centering yourselves. They are not beholden to you, my gawd.

[@TippytoeZombie]

I've got a trans friend who told me to use their deadname and the wrong pronouns when meeting their parents and I had no confidence in my ability to do that so I just avoided referring to them by name and used gender neutral pronouns when meeting their parents and left as quickly as I could find a decent excuse to so I had no chance of messing that up.

[@emylily8266]

you did the right thing, they mightve asked you, but itd still have sucked for both of you even more if you had done it. Always a bad idea mixing people who know with those that dont.

[@theprogrammer32]

as a trans woman i really thought i was out here crying too much and being too sensitive about being in unsafe spaces (esp family members) but lol I guess it's pretty common to just cry and leave lmao

[@volk4523]

This 1000x. It's just kind of expected in my family to just take it because "old people can't process this concept, and you're not REALLY a woman!." Just kind of used to it at this point.

[@Dekubud]

Estrogen makes people cry more, but it doesn't mean you're too sensitive. I used to cry at every strong emotion, including anger. Now that I'm on T I have to be extremely sad for tears to pour out and I tend to feel more anger than sadness. Crying is a valid reaction, even if misogyny tries to make us think otherwise.

[@Mambo1061]

I loved the way you explained the whole name instead of pronouns thing It’s context specific, and if you plan to work the correct pronouns in eventually around folks the person is comfortable being out to, that’s ideal. There’s a middle ground between actively malicious and lily white intentions where people don’t think they’re transphobic and continually try to manipulate the trans person into reassuring them it’s fine not to make an effort, and there’s a lot of pressure to be agreeable on trans people. This person seems to be coming at it from a compassionate place of strategy, and hopefully not skirting responsibility

[@tuckvison]

I think it's ridiculous to have to "work your way up to" using the correct pronouns. It isn't a struggle at all if you actually, fully consider the person the correct gender that they are. Your brain will automatically choose the correct pronouns for them. Refusing to use any pronouns is just another form of theywashing.

[@vagabondsentinel]

This. 100% this. Intent matters. Effort matters.

[@clara_cross]

That last story... wow... That is not only "asshole" tier... That is "I'm never speaking to you again; you betrayed me; I have no family" tier. I'm already on "never speaking to you again" terms with my own brother, and let's just say that my coming out as trans *is* related to that. He was so awful to me. But he never promised to have my back before sticking a knife in it the way OP did. That's just... despicable. And then her edit reaction?! That reaction basically translates to, "okay, well, y'know, I didn't actually come here for honest analysis. I came here to have everyone tell me I was right in this. I know I'm right in this, and you're all wrong, and f*** you for not vindicating me." Honestly, someone who would perform such mental gymnastics... She's SO selfish! I don't think she ever meant it when she promised to have her sister's back to begin with. Really, she's just as bad as the rest of the family. She may not be transphobic, but she's perfectly willing to throw an innocent and oppressed family member under the bus just for monetary gain, and then she's SHOCKED when people say that that's not cool? Yeah. Horrible person. Sociopathic narcissist. Absolutely egregious.

[@rebeccascotland7339]

Am I understanding correctly, about the father who doesn’t want to take his daughter to Christmas? She is willing to go, but he’s concerned about the bigotry of everyone else, and instead of saying, “you know, let’s have Christmas without bigots.” He’s instead saying, “I’m gonna go have Christmas with multiple groups of bigots, and since they don’t approve of you, I’ll hang out with you another time.” That seems to be the message I am getting. Shoot, I’m shunned by most of my family, plus they don’t celebrate Christmas anyway (Jehovah’s Witness). I wish I could have Christmas with this kid, and show her how valuable she is. But nothing, and nobody, can make up for a parent’s rejection. Yup, that dad is the a-hole. And how the eff is he engaged to someone who doesn’t accept his kid???? She deserves better.

[@ranniemanangan5371]

Yeah that's the whole gist of it, he can't prioritize his child but could always accommodate the bigots that treat his child poorly... No Dad you're not protecting your child against them, you're isolating your child from the other people while not being with your child🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@marvinjones4415]

No. 5: I doubt she'll be married to that dude for long. Eventually she'll write a book about "finding her voice" where her wedding debacle will be the opening chapter.

[@kinyutaka]

Regarding the Christmas father, he needs to prove that she is more important than at least his high school buddies. Frankly, if my family were dicks to my child, I wouldn't go to my family's party myself.

[@kinyutaka]

And regarding the wedding, if my fiancée has a problem with my transgender friends or family, then the wedding is off. Yes, the person you marry is supposed to be more important to you, but there's a line to be drawn.

[@blood-soup]

Yeah like till you’re wholeheartedly in support of and loving towards my kid, you’re not getting me either! Ever, at all. Going to the family xmas without his daughter is just fully accepting their transphobia and saying she is less than and less important than them all being comfortable in their discrimination and mistreatment of her. I really hope he ditches any and all of the family christmases for her and ditches his friends too if 1. They aren’t cool with his kid and 2. If the friend plans conflict with him spending time with his daughter.

[@stampandscrap7494]

If any partner was anti my kid then its a huge NO from me. If my family were anti my kid . Not my family

[@ohleander02]

I disagree with the community on the one where the dude outed his cousin. You never out someone without permission or at least asking where the boundaries are. Never. He's the asshole.

[@rookideetrainer1635]

I accidentally outed someone today... Only to one person. I didn't realize they knew the person's parents before after, and they aren't out yet, so I had to make sure to tell them that they can not share anything about that with them I really hope it doesn't mess anything up... Like if the person seems surprised or shocked when you mention it, like it's news, you should at least make sure to explain to them that they can't just tell whoever if they aren't out about it in general, because said person likely has their reasons for not being out to you

[@Junosensei]

I think the whole situation is understandable to a point. Mistakes happen and they don't make people a-holes. Likewise, this was an easy mistake with horrible consequences, so the person's cousin getting mad was completely in his right. The problem starts with the poster's defensive attitude. Rather than take the blame and apologize unconditionally, then offer help or something, they got defensive and twisted it around to "If you hadn't posted it on instagram, I wouldn't have made assumptions". This explains the assumptions, but does not excuse them. Sometimes you have to sit in your own crap a while and that's okay. The poster is an a-hole, not specifically for making the mistake, but for being a jerk about it to the very person they wronged.

[@botanicalitus4194]

yeah, soft YTA to OP. It was a mistake and OP didnt mean it so he should have simply apologized to the cousin and asked if there was anything he could do to help.

[@ohleander02]

@@rookideetrainer1635 I'm sorry that happened. You still shouldn't out people. It's not your story to tell. Not your identity or your life.

[@ohleander02]

There is a really important point that literally all the people commenting to my comment are missing: You should not be outing anyone. Ever. It's not your story to tell and not your identity to disclose. It's not your life. If you're an ally or lgbtq+ then there's a very important conversation you need to have with someone when they come out to you. Part of the conversation when someone comes out to you needs to be: who is it okay for me to talk to this about? Is there anyone you don't want knowing? Did you come out to others? Is there people you don't want to know? When and to who would it be okay for me to disclose this information? That's part of your job as being the person the other person felt comfortable with to come out to.

[@thelittlestpika]

That first one hit me hard. My grandma had dementia and my grandpa and I were her primary caregivers so we would often help out where we could. Even at her worst mentally, my grandma still remembered to correct herself on my pronouns while my parents still misgendered me and I couldn't be more happy that she was able to remember stuff like that. Unfortunately, the newer memories tend to go first so, in this situation, the only person at fault I see is the aunt.

[@curiousnerdkitteh]

Christmas dad is one of those with-allies-like-these people who won't take a stand for his own daughter. Useless parent.

[@thegreenmanofnorwich]

Thay last one is so sad. If someone makes an ultimatum to control you, then it's their decision whether or not to come. Never give in to an ultimatum.

[@violet7773]

For people that I've been worried about misgendering, I just put aside some time to talk/think to myself about them deliberately using their correct name and pronouns while picturing them. Like "Bob is my co-worker. He works in the office with me. He sends me reports on a Tuesday. He goes to drinks with us on Friday" It really helps, as well as making sure I call myself out when I'm thinking about them too "oh I have to ask Bob about her holiday - no, **his** holiday" It sounds like OP #3 is trying their best though, I hope Bob understands and wish them both luck!

[@kittysunlover]

I've seen a rule of thumb that anytime you misgender someone, then you should immediately correctly gender them three times, to practice and make sure you get it right. Like ideally this is something you should do privately so you don't misgender someone to their face/in public but if you do accidentally misgender, then correct yourself and move on. Anyway, your little practice reminded me of that and sounds like a really good thing to do, so keep up the good work!

[@ettinakitten5047]

Yeah, I've used the same tactic, too. It really works!

[@Wellyafoundme]

The one about the christmas dad, feels real. He is honestly navigating his dymics and in his best intention, he accidently hurt his kid and does not know the what/where/how of the negative impacts of his actions. I hope he can take a class or seek a therapist, or a trauma informed life coach. Even though the dynamic is hard to be exact with and grasp, I aooreciate his desire to learn and his openess to love his kid. And omfg his daughter has guts for TRYING and for reaching out and for getting to a point in her life where she is brave and is confident and empowered and grown-up to where she can determine her boundaries with phobic family. It's hard and an exhausting journey.

[@CoMorbiditty]

That first one, the dad is amazing. I get warm fuzzies around him. This is great. Im currently ghosting my family. I really dont want to be humiliated cos I now have facial hair.

[@nazguldecim]

congratulations on your wedding! I hope you two had a great day!

[@SeinIshamiado]

​@NotVille_stop trolling

[@omenhasaheadache]

In regards to Bob's coworker, they're doing the best they can to not be an asshole and that's very heartwarming. And even as a trans guy myself I really feel the just Not Using Pronouns, I recently realized that due to my unaccepting environment and most of my friends being trans, I've basically changed my whole way of speaking to avoid pronouns and names in general,, but I suck at remembering names to begin with so it kind of works in my favor

[@adamk.3027]

I am honestly concerned for the last person, more than anything. Like they had so little input in their life? Literally everyone had a say in what she does for her wedding except her? This should be a wak-eup call. Today it's no wedding invitation tomorrow you cant leave the house.

[@plookwho1418]

EASY solution for the last one. Say yes to parents and then just invite her anyway (under an alias if needed). OR don’t invite her but invite a friend who promises to take her as their plus one. Say “oh I can’t control who is a plus one at my wedding, whoopsie! I guess you both get to attend :)” and if they leave, you still get big wedding and plausible deniability for “not knowing that would happen” Also, just invite her. Her parents aren’t going to know who the fuck she is. They went no contact!

[@floopyboo]

Re that last one. My sister got married and disinvited me from her wedding so she could have mother (who abused the lot of us through our childhood) be there instead. All she did was show me who she valued more. We haven't spoken in close to a decade, because, much like the OP, my sister was the arsehole.

[@Avistew]

That second guy is in denial. "My daughter says I'm her lowest priority just because I put her after my homophobic and transphobic family, my fiancé's transphobic families, my friends from high school... She's so sensitive!" well, she IS your lowest priority, dude, she's right about that, and right to be upset about it.

[@ranniemanangan5371]

On the first post, I think the sister set the whole thing up.... She is the one who suggested the party, she brings out the cake herself and pretty sure she already saw it for a long period of time and realizes the name in the cake is wrong, after all the grandma is diagnosed with dementia and she's the care taker🤣🤣🤣.. BUT then she left the error and presented the cake with the dead name in it and now blaming the daughter for being ungrateful🤔🤔🤔

[@aquabluerose7734]

Yeah the sister literally acted like a villain. She sets up the bad surprise cake to fly under the radar bc of Grandma's dementia, which is not only super mean to the kid but also kinda mean to the grandma who's being used like a pawn and may be unfairly blamed for the cake dead name incident even though it's the sister's fault (for not editing the cake before serving it.) Sister is totally the a hole.

[@yellowbutterfly6796]

3:00 ok, number 1: dad of the year. number 2: im just imagining how these guys would be more apologetic if the kid was cis but the cake was a wrong random name.

[@OllamhDrab]

Yaknow, the wrong name otherwise would probably be just laughable. Deadnaming trans people , or for that matter making it contingent on seeing loved ones to accept that, really hurts.

[@yellowbutterfly6796]

@OllamhDrab i can see both hurting, as in one case, the cis kid should be assured they know their name, but on the other which the cis kid doesn't experience the trans kid is facing misgendering and likely dysphoria without support from their family. with that in mind, i didnt call the differences into attention, because in either case it can be shitty. but i can see the potential humor now that you bring it up. thanks for the input, though ❤️, like hearing others thoughts 😊

[@unholynoise3087]

The last girl has never heard “sisters before misters” if you make a promise to a sister u gotta go through with it.

[@volk4523]

That's because she's a transphobe and "her brother isn't a real woman!" This is the thought process of these vile people. "That rule doesn't apply because you can't transition into the sacred coven of womanhood! You just won't get it!"

[@bizzyg5751]

When your dad lists all the things he finds more of priority than you, and then gets hurt hearing you say that you're a low priority in his life.

[@minoyd]

1) It's not that hard to redo the name IF* she was using actual frosting made for piping, which I'm assuming she was. You can just gently scrape it off, put it back in the piping bag, and write the correct name. Even if she was using regular store tub icing, just having the name smeared out crappily and rewritten would be fine. The aunt presumably had plenty of opportunity to compassionately remind grandma that she goes by a different name now, so would already be the ahole even without doubling down and insulting the kid. 2) if you have a trans kid, and you have a transphobic fiancée, why do you still have a fiancée? It's clear that his daughter IS the lowest priority in his life. Personally I wouldn't let someone who "struggles to be accepting" of anything as benign as transness into my life, especially if I couldn't guarantee they wouldn't be rude on purpose to somebody I care about. How can you trust that person not to be weirdly judgemental of everything else too? An out of touch ahole. 3) not the ahole. Actually significantly more considerate than many supportive people in my life. I live in a conservative area, yet it never seems to occur to most of them that outing me could be dangerous for me until I tell them that. I'm curious about what industry it is tho ngl 4) this is tricky. Several cans of worms here. Don't really wanna open any of them. I'm just gonna say that op is an ahole for doubling down/seemingly not understanding how bad transphobic harassment is ESPECIALLY from people who you actually know or are near you. 5) I'll never understand these people who'd bend the knee...to have a big fancy wedding? I'll literally do everything myself and poorly before I have MY wedding being dictated to me by control freak bigots. Again, transphobic fiancé. Ahole.

[@mykaruest3620]

4) Isn't an ahole since he had the assumption of the person already being out and wasn't told to keep it quiet. The "doubling down" was mostly about how the info was public on the internet, which made it look like the person was out and very open. Tbh, I think it was an honest mistake and should of better communicated on who and where the identity can be talked about.

[@TheSorrowfulAngel]

Id disagree on the last one. Although, its a bit complicated. The thing here is that.. well, those are the parents, raised by such kinds of parents, how do you think you would turn out? That makes this all a little more difficult. Not unlikely to turn out rather spineless, but I wouldnt call YOU the asshole for that.

[@clownbag]

If it was an innocent mistake by her grandmother, why did the aunt not warn the parent before the cake came out? You can't blame her for feeling upset.

[@incivism]

I wish I had the first dad. Really heartwarming to hear how he stood by his daughter.

[@lukaluukaa]

I’m a trans man and my late great grandma had dementia. She never recognized me but sometimes in the earlier stages she would ask where [deadname] was or where my mom’s daughter was, and it hurt a whole lot to hear- but the worst part was that I couldn’t even blame her for it at all. I used to be a pretty angry kid and I wanted to have someone to direct my emotions towards, but I couldn’t do it towards her because even if she was cold and callous she was still an old woman, and it really wasn’t her fault at all. I can understand what that poor daughter in the first story must’ve been going through- but thankfully enough the OP seemed like a really great dad to comfort her like he did.

[@volk4523]

My mother was like that when she was delusional and dying from brain tumors. I was mistaken for my sister multiple times even in close proximity.

[@lukaluukaa]

@@volk4523 Jesus Christ, so sorry for your loss

[@volk4523]

@@lukaluukaa I don't miss her as much as you think, lol.

[@lukaluukaa]

@@volk4523 ah, my mistake

[@jeannedarveau7719]

The cake one hits close to home. I received a book about how detransition would make my life better from an uncle. It's so hard to receive this kind of shit in an environment you thought you were safe in. I absolutely stand with the father on that one. He did what is best

[@volk4523]

Mood. Posted it in another comment chain, but I routinely am deadnamed and misgendered and expected to take it from my old, very backwards Appalachian family. I have become very used to it, and it doesn't really bother me much at this point, but I had no idea it was such a huge problem to others.

[@imaginary92]

Yoooo congrats on getting married dude! Hope you both had a blast!

[@aggressycephy]

I feel like the one who outed the cousin is definitely the arsehole... No matter what information is "public", it doesn't give anyone the right to talk about other people's business like that. That's only up to the cousin to tell people or not or to just let people see his social media on their own. It's like saying that because I was out at work when I started that it's fine for all my older colleagues to tell newer colleagues who don't know. I can see how it could be an honest mistake since the guy really wasn't thinking before he spoke but I also feel like he shouldn't have argued with his cousin about it and should have just listened to him and accepted that he was upset about it and made amends. It's one thing to make a lapse of judgement but it's totally another on how you go about rectifying that. Even further, for them to not be on speaking terms because of it is even worse. His cousin may need some time but he definitely needs to reach out and apologise, no excuses, and learn from his mistake when the time's right.

[@BarefootCM]

If someone is out and very casual about being trans and the whole process it and you feel it is still something only they should mention in conversation it is tacit admission that you think the subject is taboo. Ultimately it's just another form of othering. Obviously there is still discretion

[@Avatar_Brandy]

@@BarefootCMPeople can be out to some people and not others and choose to be stealth among certain people. Obviously the cousin was right not to trust OP’s friend because he went around telling people who harassed him. You shouldn’t assume you can tell others someone is trans unless they specifically tell you they’re out.

[@hannarivers5872]

should've told him not to telling anyone. nobody is entitled to keep a secret for you especially if they don't even know its a secret

[@adaj472]

The last 2 basically telling their trans relatives, “I love you, just not in public”… literally doing the bare minimum, then getting pissy when said relative says, “I deserve better”.

[@llt8101]

The one who's parents wouldn't pay for the wedding or come, if her sister came sounds like she's planning to marry someone who she will regret marrying.

[@SunshineBrule]

The last one was so horrible. I would much rather have a low key wedding if that’s what it costs to have my sibling there. The parents are absolutely vile and if they were mine they would no longer be a part of my life.

[@PatRNBSN]

That last woman is going to have a very hard life with her husband and parents controlling her life. And if she ends up having a child who is LGBTQ+, her life will be even more of a nightmare and so will her child's.

[@volk4523]

Hopefully she does to force her to do the right thing and stop being transphobic.

[@alexandertimms0.166]

The line " disrespect the family" is very serious and upsetting. It also makes me think we trans have taken up arms against the mafia and are gunna have a big end battle with cinamatic music

[@DavidWright1138]

Story two reminds me of this "if you sit down at a table of 4 bigots, there are 5 bigots at the table."

[@chrisholds1]

Congratulations on your marriage! I wish you many years of happiness!

[@UbNoc]

"I'd rather have an expensive wedding with my hateful family than a smaller wedding with the sister that is being ostracized by said hateful family". guilty as charged.

[@shizucheese]

So regarding the first story: the grandma was absolutely not at fault. And the timing of when the daughter came out as trans in relation to when the grandmother developed dementia. I was in my 20's when my dad developed dementia. One time when my mom was visiting him at the nursing home, he asked her how "the kids" were. As far as I'm aware, I'm an only child. Fuck dementia. (The aunt absolutely was though for so many reasons...)

[@qataripekarsky]

22:19 - 22:30 "That's not a party, that's a f*****g meeting" made me choke on my drink. Can't stop laughing. So accurate.

[@robbieboydudeguy]

“Unstable” trans siblings…I hope there comes a time soon when that’s not the shit we have to hear from abusive family ever again

[@TeddySaxbang5690]

18:57 My stance: *never* out someone, and it’s easier to avoid if you either check in with the trans person - or if you’ve witnessed them mention gender/transition to someone else. Also 19:48 is meme-worthy iconic.

[@Trixie_Lavender]

Weddings are so strange to me. People act like they need to be big and expensive, but they don't. I'd rather save money with a cheap wedding. I had mine at a park pavilion, no decorations, and cake from a grocery store. I had a friend in highschool who told me her parents said her sisters needed to be bridesmaids or else they wouldn't pay for the wedding. If I were her, I'd tell my parents that I'll pay for it myself because they don't get to make that decision even if that's what I wanted to do anyway. Parents do not get to decide who goes or who does what.

[@ettinakitten5047]

5:57 Jew is both a religion *and* an ethnicity/cultural background. So an agnostic Jew is someone who is ethnically and/or culturally Jewish, but not sure if they believe in a God.

[@nonexistingvoid]

If your fiancé sides with your transphobic family, maybe it's time for a new fiancé.

[@yellowbutterfly6796]

5:15 tbh theres no proof and im not saying i think the sister did it, cuz i dunno, but if the sister did something bad, it even could have been that she wrote the message either to help and wouldnt take credit for it or even on purpose to "correctly guide" (hurt/abuse) the kid. transphobes can be very unhinged with their hate.

[@hkandm4s23]

As far as the wedding, there's a lot of ways to get married and keep the peace despite having assholes in your family. Especially if people are being that overbearing, it's never a good idea to make your wedding all for other people. Wedding planning is stressful even if your don't have a drama filled family, not to mention it's a huge waste of money you can use on your home or honeymoon or bills. My husband and I got married in Vegas at a place called "chapel of the flowers" that did everything for around $4000. We have professional photos and a beautiful wedding video and they live streamed the wedding. This was in 2011, so it wasn't a normal thing back then. We sent "invitations" to the live stream to absolutely anyone who might want to come, even the controversial assholes, then threw a party with the people we actually wanted to see when we got home from our Vegas honeymoon. We rented a warehouse with arcade games and I made all the food... the party was maybe $1000 for everything. We had an absolute blast, everyone was happy they got to "join in" or kept their mouth shut if they didn't like it because there was no preferential treatment to anyone. Point being, i have nothing but happy memories from our because it was exactly what and who we wanted. If we had a big wedding back home, there would've been at least one fist fight , lots of drunk name calling and years of drama afterwards. We were both in grad school then and were too poor and stressed to put up with that crap. No regrets😊

[@dondashall]

About the second & last story; if I had a fiancee (unlikely as I'm aro-ace, but in theory) and they wouldn't accept my trans kid - I wouldn't have a fiancee anymore. End of. The fact that "dad" isn't addressing THAT issue is all you need to know.

[@BlackXSunlight]

16:00 this is so clearly a YTA situation. OP’s actions led to harm and danger to another person. Intentions mean nothing, an apology is owed and then OP is supposed to step up to support him.

[@husky0098]

I agree that OP is the asshole, but to say that intentions don't matter at all seems unfair to me. Would you judge someone who intentionally outed someone for malicious reasons the same as someone like OP? Yes, the harm is done, but someone who didn't intend to cause it is far more redeemable than someone who did and can be expected to do so again.

[@BlackXSunlight]

@@husky0098 I stand by what I said, intentions don’t matter, and hypothetical courtroom trials are a distraction from what is actually important: the wellbeing and health of the victim. I, the omniscient and omnipotent judge in your hypothetical scenario, am not the victim, and that person’s “good intentions” have zero impact whatsoever over the harassment and threats their cousin is experiencing. Please reserve your empathy and energy for the person who actually needs it the most and not performing thought experiments for the idiot who created this situation. If OP was the good person you’re determined to convince me they are, they would be in the trenches defending their cousin whose life they endangered instead of farming for validation on reddit.

[@Dee97]

2nd story; If the Fiance is struggling to accept the kid's identity...should be an Ex

[@foxi708]

The first story makes me very sad. I have several family members with dementia, and a lot of times they don't even remember my name (I'm not trans, I've never changed my name). Its something that I could see confusing the grandma because she thought she did something really nice and now its alienating her from her granddaughter. All for something that could've been changed before the granddaughter saw it. I hope OP reaches out to the grandmother to talk to her

[@originofsky]

omg holy shit congrats on the wedding !!! i had no idea yall were finally tying the knot. sending yall amazing vibes!!! 💖💖💖

[@erispapps9929]

If grandma can't get the name right, and the cake couldn't be changed, then the ant should have giving at least a heads up.

[@mcthurman8822]

I’ve never technically come out to my family… I think about it sometimes but I’m not really hurt by my dad using she her pronouns, and I think my mom talked to him. I just tell them about the medical things I’m going through (starting T soon!) and with my baby siblings I remind them that I’m not a girl. It’s a little hard for them because they are still learning the difference between penis and vagina, and one of them thinks long hair=girl event though none of our family has gender specific hair

[@dylandreisbach1986]

I can’t believe someone wrote out “yeah I am going to a Christmas celebration with my family, my wife’s family, and my friends without my daughter and then will squeeze her in later. Yet for some reason she is mad about that” and they didn’t see anything wrong with it. Like what, just stay at home while I spend time with family because they don’t like you? Your daughter isn’t the dog your aunt insists on bringing but they tear up the couch and terrorizes everyone so you leave it at home.

[@volk4523]

Psychopath vibes. t. Psychopath attempting empathy.

[@MsFeyCreature]

The outing was kind of understandable. It's more common now to be publicity out and it's logical to assume someone isn't closeted if theyre posting about it on Instagram. It's still not good. There is still legit danger in being out and a lot of people learn the hard way they have to be more careful. But I understand the assumptions that got them there. HOWEVER. When faced with the consequences, the right answer was "I'm sorry i got you into this mess. I should have been more careful. What can I do to help?" You can say it was an honest mistake but it was a mistake. Prioritize making amends, not making yourself feel better.

[@boyinblue.]

I got so f#cking triggered when the second father said "I thought she was just being sensitive" my family says that crap about me all the time. I was s#xually abused by three of my moms partners and when I attempted to ask for help my grandmother pulled the sensitive card and then claimed "she just thinks everyone wants her" I WAS A CHILD! I live with these people and I pretend it's okay when all they've ever done was hurt me, I too am a low priority. I really hope that girl can get away and forever stay away from her father.

[@montanalemaitre4451]

I am so so damn sorry. I hope you get into a safe place soon.

[@FlotsamCarnage]

Regarding Grandmas with dementia, my GG has Alzheimer's and she used to be pretty damn good about using the right name and pronouns for me (love a geriatric ally!), in the past 3 years or so her brain simply deleted the information that I transitioned. Which btw makes for some genuinely funny mishaps when she refers to me as her granddaughter and I'm standing there with a beard lol. I'm like "ope, grand son actually. Sorry, she's got Alzheimer's." 😅 Anyway, I think it's probably not the grandma's fault here. The aunt is the transphobe.

[@kattmenace9133]

My grandmother has memory issues and lives on the other side of the country. I asked my dad for 2 years, and my aunt and uncle for the last 3 years to just slip in a card thats non-gendered, or just has my chosen name on it. It's so hard, because I won't get many more cards from her, she's the only family that's ever really been family, and I'll never get to see my name or "Happy X Grandson" writen by my grandmother. I'll never hold it against her, but it's why I don't have any family left, and it breakd my heart.

[@Markleford]

"Agonstic Jew" probably what's also known as "cultural Jew".

[@doctorworm420]

You can be agnostic or atheist and a practicing religious Jew it’s relatively common in fact. I think Ty balked on the word Jew instead of Jewish but Agnostic Jew is fine as a phrasing.

[@SabwinLaBabwin]

"I don't agree with your gender" sorry to inform you that my gender is not a debate💀

[@polk-e-dot8177]

Yeah glad everyone seems to be in agreement. It's the aunt. Grandma isnt in the wrong, Dad isn't in the wrong. Aunt should *absolutely* be on top of that.

[@coolmantoole]

Concerning the grandmother with dementia and the aunt. A challenge with dementia is that not only does the person become forgetful, but their personality also frequently changes; they lose social filters, and as a consequence, sometimes become meaner. Being a caregiver for someone with dementia is often exhausting and all-consuming if the overall support system isn't adequate which it often isn't. It also often means experiencing constant abuse from the person being cared for. I came out as gay late in life for all sorts of reasons. I came out to my Christian fundamentalist sister while my mother was already deep in dementia. There was no point in coming out to my mother at all because the conversation would be gone from her mind the next day. And my mother's filter was very gone. If a grandmother is forgetting that a granddaughter is trans, she's also likely forgetting the social reasons why being trans is OK and very possibly defaulting back to a much older, more deeply ingrained view of these issues that she likely learned when she was young. For the aunt a conversation with her mother about the granddaughter being trans may not be a simple reminder but would require a conversation about issues the grandmother no longer has the faculties to process. The response to such a conversation might be abusive in nature. The result might be the grandmother saying things or exhibiting behavior towards the granddaughter more hurtful than using the wrong name. Sometimes you have to punt and humor the person with dementia over something like this because it's not a battle you can win. Perhaps the mistake was having the grandmother doing the cake in the first place. It's really hard to know how to evaluate this without knowing what the relationship between the trans granddaughter and the grandmother was like in the first place. I would need to know much more about the aunt, the support system she has, how deep into the weeds of being a caregiver she is and her overall relationship with her brother and niece to label her as an asshole.

[@Lonely_Raven_666]

If there's something I learned about dementia it's that doing things that are habits like baking is very good to help with memory. So I do think her baking the cake was good, but maybe they should have let someone else to the icing, or not write anything at all ? I don't live in America, it's not that common in my country to write anything on cakes but maybe it is in America?

[@coolmantoole]

That's a possibility. What we may have here is a conflict between two caregivers where neither is entirely in the right or wrong. Growing up gay in a rural community in Georgia USA with super conservative parents, I by no means assume that the aunt was innocent and didn't use the occasion to make a cultural or religious statement in a passive-aggressive way. But both parenting a transitioning adolescent and being a caregiver to a victim of dementia can be perspective consuming things. Then there may be the normal sibling rivalry stuff on top of it all. It would be easy for neither side to see how stressful the other's situation is. Then there are the fundamental medical realities of a relationship between a teenager and an elder with dementia. If there is to ever be a relationship at all, it will require the teenager to accommodate the dementia victim. A psychologically healthy teenager should be physically capable of understanding that grandmother's abusive behaviors are the fault of brain damage and to not take it to heart. It may not be physically possible for grandmother to ever be an emotionally safe person for many high-risk trans youths. In that case they either must be kept separate, or the youth must learn how to emotionally handle the behavior. It is what it is. I don't think making the trans teenager return to the party would have been a good idea. However, I do think it's important for an LGBTQ young person to learn how to take such situations in stride because they won't avoid them forever. I'm 58 now, but when I was 12 my dad confronted me about talking like a fag boy while he was cleaning his guns and said that he would run me off at gun point if I turned out to be a fag. So maybe that colors my perspective because it is the benchmark against which I intuitively compare abusive speech. @@Lonely_Raven_666​

[@llt8101]

I totally suspected the aunt, too.

[@incineroar9933]

If anyone tried to force me not to invite my baby brothers to my wedding, that relationship would be dead. I don't care if you're my family member or fiancee, we are done.