(un)masking

[@Counter-Chicken]

This is an insanely good video. "I'd rather have someone's indifference or contempt than the menace of their conditional tolerance" hit me like a truck

[@klutzkoady4996]

Yeah, I really felt that one

[@blackskull1366]

Absolutely a fire line right there

[@DOSmanager]

here i was thinking "wow if a_lilian were to have told this to my 16 year old self, i would have been much happier sooner" and then i started crying for some reason, how weird

[@stiofanmacamhalghaidhau765]

yeah. weird. probably I totally didn't do that. three times. probably.

[@joshy-noha]

It's Grief for your past self. I cry my eyes out thinking how different I would be if my dad wasn't such a piece of shit to me as a child. How I would like to hug that kid. Thing is, I actually can, because it's always there, just masked and hidden from years and years of social conditioning.

[@silloishere]

o.o i'm my 16 year old self

[@oiytd5wugho]

if a_lilian had told this to my 16 year old self, that kid wouldn't process a word they said cause she was practically a zombie at that point lol. Like, I was locked-in on that masking grindset

[@pighaver]

@@silloishere same lets be happier sooner

[@charl2182]

brick by brick TOCKY BY TICK NO MATTER HOW THIN NO MATTER HOW THICK

[@decodas]

PAPA TOLD MAMA AND LAURA TOLD NICK YOU CAN MOVE A MOUNTAIN IF YOU DO IT BRICK BY BRICK

[@GibbousTT]

tick tock heavy like a brinks truck shining like a wrist watch

[@smilegen]

@@GibbousTT as a tf2 fan, this is horrifying to read.

[@InfinitySevens]

The cs188 vid has done irreparable damage to my psyche

[@casey5986]

Some folks worked on a project to restore the lego island soundtrack uncompressed. Its pretty sick

[@justaintitchief4133]

NOOOOOOO STOP NARRATING MY LIFE IN THE FIRST 15 SECONDS OF THE VIDEO STOPPPPPP

[@Catcakemaker]

I had to come back to it a few days later after the first 15 seconds hit me like a truck!

[@basicbasal1937]

WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER!!

[@TomNCatz]

"It didn't feel like I was masking, I felt like I was sneaking in to steal horderves" beautiful, I love that framing I was legit talking earlier today about how figuring out how much of what you do is for society and how much of it is just for you is like trying to lay the tracks for the train you are currently riding.

[@user-iz3ss5rb3z]

ugh this is genius i've been trying to figure how to describe this feeling as I unmask because I can't tell what's the performative parts and what's authentic... Ive been thinking about the train quote all day

[@a_lilian]

Why mask for points when you can mask for fun?

[@ecotanimate4149]

why use coins for money when you can do sick tricks with em?

[@nevernothing1929]

Thanks

[@hobocraft0]

But I'm actually serious, listen to and feel your literal physical heart, it's pretty close to your real identity. (Since your identity literally depends on the oxygen supply it supplies)

[@RandomUsernameAppearsInChat]

@@ecotanimate4149 hit game character hatsunemiku from ultrakill coin tricks?!?!?

[@Glauco.gloster2007]

I have seen a bunch of your videos and i feel really sad for your condition. I can only Say that i am proud of what you accomplished and if i could i would give you a hug

[@ChuuniKatyushaVN]

About ten years ago, i was in a support group for fellow peeps with ASD. I really didn't find it super useful since it was just enforcing the notion of slamming a circle into a square hole for jobs sort of deal. There was this one man in his 60s at the time, said similar things as you did in this video. He was like "there will be times were you get mad at others for understanding you, there will be times where you feel like you have to hide your real self all the time, other times were you'll be frustrated at yourself. These are all normal things to feel. And don't let any of these suits tell you how to think and feel. You are your own person." I was glad that I met him that one time. It made me realize that masking isn't always going to be the best way to cope with our need for things to be in control. I've also found as you get older, you tend to find more people that share similar interests as you do and that's the key to making friendships. Commonalities aren't a bad thing to have. It is always funny being called stylish while NB because half the time I am like I R POTATO in a baggy outfit that I stole the concept from by looking at photos from the 1940s work wear lol.

[@pacificstensland3254]

I'm afraid that there is hardly anything underneath my mask anymore. It's been so ingrained into me from all my special education classes and counseling for so long, I no longer know what lies beneath. Everyone I know only knows my mask, because in the past when I let it slip I was hated for it. It seems that love and acceptance are only granted conditionally based on the way I act, so the person underneath who was neither loved nor accepted simply left. Now, only the mask, who is well liked and respected, remains.

[@quinn7630]

If that's the case and you are that at the bottom of the pit, why not trying a lot of different masks until one feels more like you. That includes of course trying things you've never did or thought of doing. Maybe that way you'll find at least one thing or two that makes you feel like you and get you in your own self again. Its just an opinion, and maybe a little too much optimistic but it may work

[@hobocraft0]

Here's the issue, the self of self, the ego, is just a story that a person tells themselves, but ultimately isn't real. Any conception of self is not real. The real self is impossible to comprehend as a mortal. The issue with rampant masking is with synchronicity across aspects. I'd wager the masks you have play well with other humans. Ever play well with your own heart beat? The wind? A tree? I play well with the wind and I'm a complete freak for it. Ultimately a mask is an identity, which itself is a story of self. What do you want in your story? What kind of story do you want to hear?

[@tiredko-hi-]

Try to accept that each mask is you, even if they wouldn't act in a way "you would" if you put them on. Ultimately, you created them to, I assume, please others / be tolerable / get by. Try to recognise that when communicating or doing something, caring for yourself and setting boundaries against things that hurt is okay. If you can't because e.g. family or school isn't supportive, try to make / find a place where you can set boundaries for yourself, no matter what mask you use. Alarm bells will probably ring, but that's exactly why you do it in a 100% safe place with 100% safe people. Like a close friend maybe? A therapist?

[@FoxinnyVi]

I know this feeling. Even though I'm 31, I've spent most of my life trying to please others. I haven't had much success with it, I don't know what I want to do for a living, and I don't know what kind of people I want to be close to. I often look out the window at the playground across the street at the different groups of people having fun together and wonder what it would be like to fit in and be yourself, without even trying, just like them. I've managed to make at least a few friends a few years ago who I play DnD with online. But even with them, I'm not sure I'm always genuine. It's like just having people around me somehow affects me - I always feel like I'm on stage. But I think we should keep trying to be more authentic. Even if it takes many years, maybe even most of our lives, we owe it to ourselves. And it's worth the pain of life. Sorry for my bad English.

[@juankgonzalez6230]

You're entering the inflection point. As the comments above have said, this is prime time to go out on any kind of new adventures, get out of your house for the sake of getting out. It may look like there's nothing beneath all the rubble, but, as long as you're still breathing, even if what's left is only the tiniest speck or spark... that's still something

[@taylozen]

i never thought to acknowledge how my mask protected me instead of hating its existence

[@philomenes]

It's called parts work or Internal Family Systems. If you are able to seek therapy I highly recommend looking for therapists who work parts work. If not just knowing the name is enough to use the internet to learn some useful tips to help your mental well being :3

[@Pydots]

The more I've lived through life, the more and more I've come to realize that the childhood/adulthood roles are usually reversed. Normally, people think that you're supposed to figure your stuff out while you're a child, fomenting an idea of all your "passions" and "social functioning" to carry into your entire adult life. But... When we're smol we aren't really that aware of us or our surroundings, so in a way, its really hard to figure out what we're actually passionate about, much less what or how social functioning is or works. So, due to the expectations placed upon us, we rush. We quickly scaffold our way into the median average, without much of a clue as to what or even where the scaffolding is. And then we just sort of slowly fill in all the missing gaps, presenting ourselves as some sort of Pavlovian mass hard baked into place by the fires of our trauma. By the time we escaped the child zone... We've usually built ourselves up high enough that we've somehow managed to fit the idea of someone who's figured it out! But, well, we clearly haven't figured it out, its a daunting task to "figure it all out" in our lives, much in just a couple of emotionally vulnerable years! However, as we get older and reach the tax age (adulthood), we start becoming more and more aware of ourselves and the world around us! Most people simply keep on going as they did in childhood, their mask effectively assuming their position. Some people cannot bear the weight of their mask and become crushed under it. However, with new found self awareness, some people start looking inward, reflecting upon their lives and wondering if they are truly satisfied in the moment! So, well, if we look internally for long enough, we will inevitably find light streaming from our cracks in the outer super structure, suggestions that there's something more beyond it. In a way, we were too strong, too bright for even us to defeat ourselves! By using these cracks as the starting point, we can slowly chip away at it, the mask. We can take these chips, analyze and understand them, track down where they were built from the early moments in our lives. Even if we can't understand ourselves, we can definitely understand the labyrinth we've trapped ourselves into! And then... Well... It mostly depends from person to person. Some methodically deconstruct their outer wall brick by brick; Some let the feels media they resonate with slowly erode it away; Some rely on others and slowly learn to open themselves up through mutual understanding; Some even manage to just shatter it through brute force! I myself only managed to tear off some small chunks away from the complex system of self judgment I used to mask myself, only to repurpose them into a Von Neumman probe style backdoor of automatic and systematic mask self deconstruction! It doesn't matter how you reach it or how long it takes you, no matter your circumstances you can do it! Upending all of the intricate locks we've put ourselves into during our childhood is possible! Trust me when I tell you that learning to express the things you truly appreciate is a wonderful thing! So, appreciate the self discovery! Appreciate the self limit breaking! Appreciate punching the inner and outer demons! Appreciate the connections we have and the ones we will have! Thank you lilian, you continue to be an inspiration for me as a enbie and a person! It gets better! Even if our struggles may seem eternal, know this. In the future, one day, we'll figure it all out, and then we'll be ok!

[@Pydots]

Some extra thoughts I didn’t address that I realized are important (I don’t need sleep I need feels!) While I mostly talked about “Breaking the mask” in my long… Something in between a rant and a speech. Another important thing is that… Well, what we know as the “Mask” simply refers to the sort of mindspace our consciousness inhabits, an interface between our senses and whatever the heck “I” is would be an appropriately autistic way to put it! So… In a way, we do need this mindspace which is normally occupied by our mask in order to understand and react to the world around us, its what grounds us to our understanding of reality! And while the understanding of reality we build up as a child and carry into adulthood is going to be scuffed and form into an idea of our mask. And we do need to break this scuffed understanding of reality up. We also can’t just leave it a broken and wartorn wasteland! That’s why the other important bit I think we have to do is rebuild! Slowly identify the parts of our mindspace we identify with, and use them as tools to reconstruct our understanding! In a way I suppose, its being able to use all of your adult understanding to build a way of interacting with the world that you’re truly comfortable with. Truly feeling yourself within yourself! I hope this extra added bit here was useful, appreciate the struggle to be better than oneself nya! (I’m sorry if I scuffed anything up in this extra bit, sleep deprivation inspires my writing depths but is atrocious for my grammar!)

[@aHeroWith1000Names]

@@Pydots You might be interested in reading on C.G.Jung's concept of persona (which literally refers to a theatrical mask in Latin), as he described essentially this very concept. Jung also outlines how persona can both disrupt or nourish our psychological development based on how we use it.

[@PvtWendy]

Okay, but... The "Song of Healing" being used in the start of a video about unmasking is just genius

[@ItsCubet]

I fucking love the graffiti/skateboarding/drag metaphor. Those are indeed things that don't really care about what might be moral for society or "the right thing" to do at one place, and just do their own thing. And it's amazing. For skateboarding: it's moving freely through the roughest paths of a city. For graffitti: it's to manifest artistically no matter the legal implications. And for drag: it's to make your own thing when it comes to gender, no matter what others think of it. I find some points of each of these can apply to eachother. Gotta love stuff that break the box of societal expectations and "rightness". Great video, lilian. Keep on walking y'all. :)

[@StargazerYo]

7:00 "I'd rather have someone's indifference or content than the menace of their conditional tolerance" 🤯

[@Lessen0]

(contempt*)

[@Lilac_Guardian]

2 lillian videos in one day???? WE ARE EATING GOOD TODAY

[@De1taF1yer72]

Please do not eat the video, I would like to watch it, thanks.

[@qtpaulie]

ikrrr

[@Lilac_Guardian]

@@De1taF1yer72too bad I already atted it :3

[@De1taF1yer72]

@@Lilac_Guardian NOOO 😭😭😭😭

[@bombtasticplays]

0:18 YOAHHHHHH MY FAVORITE NICHE INDIE GAME ALTER EGO USED AS THE BACKGROUND FOR THAT SCENE LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[@sonderisloading]

SAME HERE! I was so excited to see that.

[@techley4322]

what game?

[@sonderisloading]

@@techley4322 ALTER EGO, by CaramelColumn. It's on mobile

[@Glitterblossom]

Who?

[@luditheuber]

ALTER EGOOOO CARAMEL COLUMN YEEEEAAAAH

[@AROAH]

I’m like 87% sure I’m cis, and I’m not even sure how neurodivergent I am, but I greatly appreciate this video for being supportive of “being yourself” while not watering it down to such a meaningless phrase. Being oneself is difficult for many, many people, albeit for some more so than others (understatement of the decade), and I feel that this video does a wonderful job of presenting an experience in that venture while not being comparative or even giving specific advice that may not be applicable. It seems like every video in this vein tries to be too narrow and ends up alienating some groups in the process. I feel only hope and encouragement from this, as I have in your previous videos, and I think that’s wonderful. I also didn’t know or forgot that we’re almost the same age, and it’s reassuring to hear the experience of someone else just entering their 30s and trying to figure things out.

[@shane658]

87 is so specific 😭

[@calliecalamity8787]

I imagine masking is something that anyone can fall into, especially if you were bullied as a kid or something similar. Abuse and/or learned behaviours needed to survive bad situations will stay with you.

[@groerhahn225]

@@calliecalamity8787 A lot of office spaces and retail/service jobs encourage wearing a corporate-friendly mask, I imagine that's also a way for people to aquire one later in life.

[@SunIsLost]

If your certainty of being Cis is lower than 100% and you feel it strongly to mention it to us, you are definitely not Cis, egg.

[@octia2817]

7:53 "Maybe a mask is just a layer of network protocol that is necessary to operate in a social system." I like this way of putting it. That is how I view my mask. It's a bit of a silly dance sometimes, and I refuse to build it up too much - but I've grown to appreciate it, as a tool facilitating easier communication with neurotypicals.

[@milifilou]

your metaphors and editing choices are very strong. I have only just realised that while I thought my mask was rather thin, the real mask has been staying at home when I really would have liked to be there. Brick by brick, the walls of my own home became the place I retreat to, the place where I cannot be rejected because I cannot be seen. At some point in time, I convinced myself that I would rather be alone, when that simply isnt true. I think unmasking is particularly hard in that case, since putting yourself out there is much larger from the zero contact position than removing just one bit of learned protocol to check what would happen. Also, still havent figure out a way to go out in public without kindly old ladies wanting to touch my shoulder or arm. I might go for wearing punky spikes, for the performance and directness if it all, but also its hot as fuck and wearing spikes would mean more clothing to get sweaty underneath.

[@RosenshineRewby]

"I learned how to say hello, by saying it in a two-note way and carrying the O" STOP WAIT NO DON'T DO THAT DON'T READ ME TWICE IN A ROW ONCE IN THE INTRO AND ANOTHER HERE AH

[@Valery0p5]

The Majora's Mask themed intro is simply... Heartwarming. I wish more people had that kind of empathy. Also you know it's worse when they tell you must do it... Post video, I'm glad you got to recognize the importance of all these social skills and registers and use them with more freedom. It's something I worked on a lot too... I remember back in school we learned about a writer who had similar existential reasonings about how life is made of masks, and that came from theater where they became experts on subverting them :D

[@christophersokol6388]

The masking a shield section made me feel so valid. Thank you for not just putting the outro there like prime suggested!

[@blobberberry]

"Masking as graffiti" is a VERY apt description for why I liked social interactions in high school so much. It felt like I knew how to play the game, and play it in a way that expressed me. I fit in, I was weird. I was self-conscious, I was confident. It was fun. I liked the masks I made. I lost that somewhere along the way, opting to hide and play it safe. Your musings remind me of my own internal monologues -- just a lot more hopeful and seeing the forest as well as the trees. Thanks for writing and recording these.

[@AttenuatedNecronym]

This is a beautiful video. I feel really guilty at work when I mask, but thinking of it as a shield instead of lies; genius. I'm 39 and only just got an autism diagnosis. I've been trying to unmask for over a decade now. It's slow going. I can't stop every time i do something and contemplate "am i doing this to interact more easily?" One kinda distressing thing i noticed is there's like some kind of scrutinizing thought process in my mind that looks at things from an (imagined) NT perspective, even if i'm alone. I used to mask for no one, to no benefit, and at great mental load. I've mostly stopped that i think. But i'd like to mention that for others looking to reduce masking loads swiftly.

[@AshDeGirl]

As a transfem whos still struggling to accept herself, thank you.

[@petturtle6161]

🏳‍⚧💜

[@spilledmilk3761]

you got this, girl!!

[@Ivory-f5b]

Ur making a good girl i believe in you

[@narf-narf]

you got this, with time anything is possible 💜

[@binatlas6620]

rock on sister

[@Ray_Moses]

BEST KZbin CHANNEL UPLOAD! THANK YOU! YOUR VIDEOS ARE ALWAYS SO SWEET!

[@NonJohns]

I love the whimsical wisdoms you've built for yourself it's so kind, nurturing, and freeing and yet realistic the honest dance with your experiences is very inspiring maybe you're not a master of it yet, but i love the ideals you're setting out

[@kreakss]

the outro was literally poetry "you dug your fingers in so tight that you made cracks you could hold onto" ok shakespeare thanks for describing the neurodivergent experience in a single video🤯

[@nitz_o]

This made me cry ngl, I’ve felt like this for a long time. so having someone describe exactly how I feel now and in the past was so strange but amazing. Thank you for making this.

[@Ragna_rage]

"Nihilism has many holes through which one can escape. And i am determined to find them." As someone who has been stuck in a nihlistic hell for a decade this resonates with me.

[@harper5378]

I'd rather have someone's indifference or contempt, than the menace of their conditional tolerance. I'd rather have someone's indifference or contempt, than the menace of their conditional tolerance. I'd rather have someone's indifference or contempt, than the menace of their conditional tolerance.

[@Herringbone0920]

Thank you, having a non-binary gender crisis in middle school along with being a bullied (somewhat) loner really reenforced some habits which have socially disconnected me from many. I have had a lingering thought in my head that something about how I behave isn’t working as it should and I think you helped me find it just now. Luckily I’m only a freshman so I have plenty of time to course correct and really become less non-confrontational and more direct about what I am and how I feel. I hope that you can discover just as much by making these videos as you teach us by posting them

[@Herringbone0920]

I too started crying while writing this comment :)

[@PluckyStar]

I just discovered your videos yesterday but watching them all has been... such a mentally and emotionally lifting experience. You're very autism-positive, but in a way where you don't take it lying down like most others do. You don't just "live with it", you OWN it. As an autistic adult who has hated living with autism all my life, I think maybe your approach is the mindset I've been needing all this time. Your advice is the first thing that's ever truly made me want to make an effort. I'd love to go into more detail, but a public online space like a KZbin comments section is not a comfy place for that. Just know that, if I do manage to make a difference in my life and become a happier person, I'll be attributing more than a small part of that to you. Thank you, from the bottom of my cold, mechanical heart, which will hopefully in time be filled with newfound warmth and life. 💜

[@undeniablySomeGuy]

I love the idea of Furina dressing up as Focalors as a sort of supermask defending her true self from being known by the populace

[@adeonn]

Ohmygod I've never thought about that. That's actually a really cool way of thinking about it

[@ShirakoriMio]

Ironically, one of the most hidden people on the Internet connects the deepest and with the most people❤

[@hauntyourself]

i come back to rewatch this video a lot. this is hands down my favorite video on the platform, from the extremely insightful ways to view masking and tips on how to unmask, to the heartwarming comforting and safe vibes of all the footage that you've compiled for. it's like you were describing me in a depth no one else sees with every word you said in this video and it has done more for me accepting the person who i am than anything else i've ever heard on the topic. thank you so much for making this video, it means the world to me and has inspired so much hope and optimism for my life. i'm going to make my life my own, not my mask's. and it is largely due to your videos. i'm so grateful for my community as an autistic queer, people like you are such a beautiful presence in this life. i look forward to supporting you in your content creation so that hopefully others can be touched as much as i was by discovering this channel. i've already shared this video and your other most recent one with everybody that will watch it lol. 😂 thank you for being so genuinely yourself, the world would be a lot worse off if you never put down your shield and didn't go forward with so much bravery in unmasking

[@hassan06]

i absolutely adore the fear of hbomberguy in the description

[@togepee]

is there context im missing? im not that familiar with his videos

[@hassan06]

@@togepee hbomberguy-is-a-popular-video-essayist-and-he-made-waves-in-the-youtuber-community-by-releasing-a-4-hour-video-essay-about-the-ethics-of-plagiarism-and-discussed-in-great-detail-3-or-4-big-youtubers-who-would-plagiarise-and-not-cite-properly.--Ever-since-then-it's-been-a-running-joke-that-when-you-cite-your-sources-you-express-fear-of-hbomberguy-exposing-you-if-you-didn't--(even-though-the-task-of-citing-sources-often-done-out-of-genuine-care-and-not-external-pressure,-but-that's-the-joke)

[@hassan06]

also-sorry-my-spacebar-not-working

[@fruitpigenthusiast120]

​@@togepeea big creator's channel was found to be like 90% plagiarised after hbomber looked into their sources link

[@gloriousblobber9647]

@@fruitpigenthusiast120 I don't think most people cared after it was revealed. They just liked his storytelling.

[@circumquentiam]

I’ve just finished both of your new videos and once the second one ended I found myself sitting still. Like I just woke up from a lovely dream and I didn’t want that dream to end so I sat still trying to hold onto that feeling for as long as possible. I wish I could print your videos out and put them on my walls as reminders that there are other people who feel the same way I do and I’m not the only one going through this journey. I guess thank you for letting me know that I’m doing all right that’s what I needed to hear❤❤

[@SpectralT23]

Masks are so interesting because recently I found that even those parts of me are still me as much as I hate to admit it😅. Personality is very diverse after all!

[@smartsmartie7142]

We loose so much by suppressing ourselves, lol I wish people were supportive and non judgemental

[@1975stationwagon]

Lilian! You're amazing! I just discovered your channel yesterday and I love it! Having autism as well, everything you say is so relateable and comforting! I love the clothing choices you have as well and has helped me gain courage in what I want to wear although I am still partially restricted as I am much younger than you at 14. What I really wanted to tell you is that I recently came out as aroace and I just love it! Thank you so much for being yourself, Lilian!

[@TheOrigamiPiano]

This video was so good, and I really needed to hear it today. As someone who regularly needs a mask in order to be safe at home, I especially loved the "using a mask as a shield" part. Instead of feeling dragged down by the last remnants of the mask I can't leave behind, it'll instead be the shield that keeps me safe, independent from who I really am. Thanks again for the wonderful video!

[@malikwaddy6897]

2:12 you unintentionally perfected dap up distance recognition

[@mck5124]

The second video I ever saw from you, think I'm somewhat "normal" but still recognize that I'm different from normal people. Sat here, at the end of the video, somewhat covering my face (out of instinct? No idea) and started tearing up while my head is slightly tilted (didn't realize that happened till the end), two tears ran down my face. Something resonated, still need to realize what, felt comforted and seen at the end. Thank you.

[@guitarsonmars]

this video was very comforting to me. i've slowly been learning to unmask and it's nice to see a video i can empathize with. i really liked the part where you thanked the masks for serving you when you needed them. it was something i never would have thought to acknowledge but it's an important kindness to my past self.

[@carlm2181]

Diagnosed with ADHD a few years back, this one resonates with me at a fundamental level. It's weird to hear someone elses internal monologue that could easily have been my own.

[@De1taF1yer72]

Absolutely amazing video, also I didn’t know the way I said hello was abnormal until you pointed it out and now I have no idea how I didn’t notice it sooner. I do basically the same thing to what you’re describing. Whenever I greet someone I know well I say “well met” or some other antiquarian term instead. You’re videos are the best depiction of autism I’ve ever encountered on the internet. I hope you have an amazing day and life

[@stiofanmacamhalghaidhau765]

Well met. Honestly the best greeting possible. To think I thought 'Hail fellow traveller' was good. Certainly a step up from 'I acknowledge your presence, humanoid.' (look, it just came out that way. yes, it was the HR manager. no, it did not help.)

[@helloguys9154]

i’ve watched this video so many times. it’s incredibly written and so impactful. it felt like the words being spoken to me were hitting directly into my soul :,)… it was the final push to motivate me to start doing hrt and actually try and become myself, not this weird husk. thank you so much lilian, keep up the amazing work

[@papyrussemi2848]

-you're telling me you say hello like the sega jingle?- honestly, i'm barely a quarter through and the puppet metaphor hit way too close to home and, i'm probably gonna get some flack for this, but two of the main ways i began to cut down on masking were attending a furry convention and seeing a fellow friday night funkin' fan on the ride home from my summer job

[@lumihead]

I usually don't comment on anything online, but wow. This video made me cry... I can't even find the right words to thank you. This was exactly what I needed to hear at the time I needed it the most, and I'm sure it's the same for a lot of other people. May the good you're putting out there one day come back to you:)

[@tubebrocoli]

Every time, your videos are so incredibly relatable! Identifying masks, unmasking, learning to love what's underneath, and still, learning what to do with those masks, It has been as lonely of an experience as it can get here. But now, every new friendship made where I have the courage to be myself, is one that actually feels like a connection. There's a weird and unknown Future now, where before there was just Stasis.

[@maroonangel_]

"Maybe a mask is just a layer of network protocol that is necessary to operate in a social system." That's when I started crying. How are you reading my thoughts so well? I love this video, and I love the "Why is my voice like that?" video, so so so much. Thank you for making these, lilian

[@floppavevo5920]

I found your channel just earlier today. This has genuinely helped me so much. Autistic people need support like this, from people who understand them because they themselves are also autistic, instead of articles about "your autistic child" that in the end just say that we should mask better.

[@Mysterious_Wisp]

The internet is spying on me 100%, I just broke down yesterday about how I mask a lot, and this video helped me a lot

[@lokoowun]

beautifull and incredible, as always

[@Kirbycraftcx]

This is an amazing video that cuts deep on this crumbling mask of mine. A mask I donned to shield myself from medical and emotion turmoil. I told myself once my physical health was managed I would remove it and face my problem. However, years past and I only grew more hollow, and yet I desperately clung to the mask telling myself I wasn't ready. Scared to face who I truly was. Finally I have resolved to remove it. Bit by bit I have been chipping away at it, and with it I've taken time to nurturing my self that I left withering behind the mask. Soon I will have the voice to say it, but I will still need the confidence to speak it.

[@SOUHIYORI143]

I'm supposed to be lurking rn but I just wanted to say something. I found this video by chance, and it really touched me. Like a premonition for my future. I really appreciate this.

[@Neko-san]

Why is this so relatable to me...

[@cherricherri7726]

this is my comfort video i keep coming back to watch this whenever i feel sad, i am so glad you made this video i can’t wait for your next videos. I’ve never seen someone flawlessly explain my feelings so well.

[@GikamesShadow]

Unmasking is a hard process. I used to be a very kinda "helpful" person. And I still am if all hell breaks loose. Ill jump in the fire if help is 100% needed and no one can help other than me. But the 2 and a half years I now spent in retail plus being on ADHD meds made me change ALOT. Made me a lot more "selfish" or rather concious of how much my willingnes to be of help was used by others. I am still polite. Still trying my best to be of help to customers. But if stuff comes up and I know there are others to help, I aint the first to jump anymore and I say why, when they ask. I no longer care to keep up the appearance of "I wanna be of help" to fit in. To keep the store in check. To make sure everything works out. Cause it lead to me putting everything on my back while everyone else could live a carefree life. And I aint even the fucking manager lmao. Masks have a place. They are like white lies. Present when you need them to be. But you should never let them rule your life. A white lie is used to ensure that someone else doesnt feel pain. So you can ease them into the truth later on. But that later on has to arrive eventually. Same as the mask needing to be dropped. It has to happen. It just has to.

[@jasminebaldwin7615]

I've been really struggling recently, and thinking about my lived experiences and how I feel so isolated. Helps to see something like this that really gets it. Thank you a lilian

[@paydino9565]

I only happened upon you and your channel as of this day and of the very few videos I’ve seen of yours so far you have given me hope for the future of humanity. They’ve made me feel better. I still have doubts about my likelihood of ever becoming a “real” person, but knowing that some people are out there that have made it and are choosing to try their best to try and help others with similar struggles gives me hope for all those who feel so incredibly lost, but not yet truly lost to themselves. Thank you a_lilian, I wish you the best.

[@vocalfrog]

This is such a wonderful video, I really enjoy how you choose to empower others with your content!!

[@hatch22]

I discovered this channel almost a week ago, and not only are the perspectives on autistic masking fantastic, but It's also made me realize that I'm nonbinary. Thank you so much, Lilian

[@desu5070]

Your videos are always a league beyond others, but this one, its really something. Thank you

[@Soriokeink]

I donlt know how i foudn this channel, but, this cuts deep. the Oxidation part in particular caught me. Sometimes i find myself subconciously judging others, before realizing I probably didn't fit into my own judgements. Then i started which thoughts were my own, and which ones were 'given' to me. It's, a long process, trying to sort between your own thoughts and thoughts you've been taught to follow.

[@toasterenthusiast8023]

"I'd rather have someone's indifference or contempt than the menace of their conditional tolerance" I needed to hear this and I'm probably going to need to tell it to myself a couple hundred times before I really get it.

[@judgementkazzy00]

What a beautiful video! I’ve been really struggling with who I am as a person recently, so the beginning really struck me. And the final conclusion is such a beautiful message to give. Thank you for making this!

[@xXvalerianteaXx]

yo you're so cool, thank you for articulating your experience so intelligently ^-^ There's some feelings and memories I shoved wayyy down, being out of the norm, and your videos have really helped me come to peace with myself. Or at least pushed me into that direction, everything is a journey of course. Stay rad :>

[@NioxiS]

You probably don't need me to tell you this, but thank you for the videos. I just found you today, and the things you speak about are helping me accept where I am in my life. I have been avoiding people for the last year, because I feel that I can't be myself. These videos are really helping me, thank you so much for making them.

[@SZvenM]

Very good video. Especially the segment "masking as graffiti" I really like. I like how you called societal nonconformity "wrong for your own enjoyment".

[@Tr0lliPop]

"When you stop people-pleasing, people stop being pleased." Ouch. As a neurotypical (as far as I'm aware) person, it feels... wrong in a way to relate to this video, and yet I do. I can't relate to the individual experiences, but I can relate to the general feeling behind it. I can relate to needing to hide parts of me behind a mask, even if not all of me. The experiences I had as a kid in school gave me a horribly skewed concept of what is socially acceptable. It got so bad that even though the last time I was laughed at for it was in second grade and even though my highschool dorm roommates were chatting about the topic, I was afraid to admit that I even merely existed near a girl, lest I be bullied off the face of the earth for daring to allow anything remotely close to a romantic relationship. It got so bad that I was always prepared to beg and plead for forgiveness if I were to make the tiniest mistake, as I was used to _needing_ to do so to not be hurt physically for it. The most ironic part of it all is, this half-mask of sorts, this puppet that I only call to my aid when I sense potential danger, has actually put me in _worse_ situations once I made my way out of that hole. People disliked the puppet more than me, they hated my mask and liked the real face behind it, which I struggled to believe for the longest time. It took me a long time to notice that the way the mask hurt my face as I wore it was not making my friends any happier, and was in fact hurting _them_ as well.

[@thekateykat]

7:38 this was and still is my largest fear. that those traits that my friends and family know me for are the only things they care about. that if I change in drastic ways and lose the me they know I'll have no one. I'm not even sure who's the real me, the me I spent so much time hiding away. in truth I don't think much will change any time soon. but this video reassured me and reminded me that I'm not alone. so hopefully, I'll be able to become my true self just a little bit faster. thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you!

[@blipblop8391]

I have covert schizoid personality along with bipolar disorder and I can relate to this video. I "mask" myself and imitate others to survive. Im trying to be my "trueself" but its scary. The idea of people seeing me as I am without them scares me to death. Your videos are so calming to me. Thank you for doing what you're doing. ❤️

[@sophiex4152]

i love that you talk about how unclear it is to yourself how to actually go about taking down the mask, how its not a miraculous singular event but something that raises a bunch of questions that may have no answer, thats definitley what im struggling with right now and the way you talk about that uncertainty with optimisim gives me hope

[@genesocks6848]

thank you for all that you do lilian. i want my mask to belong to me. right now it feels like its in the hands of other people and its as though my own feelings aren’t a part of the equation. contorting myself for someone else’s approval out of fear of rejection. i do not want to become complacent in doing that. thank you for giving me a sparkle of hope. this video would have made me cry a year ago when i first reentered college after a 3 year gap, but now after learning how the people perceived my real self and laying bricks, through all the bricks it is hard to cry.

[@dev_reimu]

I like to think of this video as a little cog that got into the system in my brain that keeps me pushing forward. It feels like one of the strongest cogs, despite it's size. It's just a video, and yet it gave my soul's flame a proper lighter that never goes out. Thank you for making this.

[@sadie6792]

This video is so insanely helpful, and it was so nice to hear that someone else struggles with the same thing I struggle with. Often, when I mention these struggles to people around me or my parents, they don’t get it at all. (Although, my other neurodivergent friends understand me, and my sisters too) It was comforting to watch this video! I think maybe from now on, I will try my best to learn who I am deep down. I’ve been discussing with my therapist about masking and also people pleasing and just not knowing who I am anymore other than the persona I put on, and we’ve been trying our best to help me figure out who I am underneath! It is hard especially for me, since I’m an actor. I play these parts a bit too successfully and I get too into them, and I’ve let them consume me. I’ll figure out who I am! I’ll use my masking as a shield that I can wield whenever I need it! I’ll let me express my true self when I can!

[@carsthatdrive1891]

your videos are mesmerizing pieces of poetry and social commentary that i could never find the words for but have felt my whole life

[@Theasaurus2]

I'm not really awake enough to explain my thoughts about this video, except to say "I really love this" and "some of this sounds so familiar." When i heard you mention noticing someone at the end of a corridor i already KNEW where it was going because i do the same thing, and hearing someone else talk about it sounds surreal. Thank you for making these videos, so much

[@AustinD_YT]

Ive also started the process of unmasking, especially at work. For my autism, it helps me focus if i can wear something around my arms and hands, so i got thumbhole sleeves to try and help with that. for a few months, it was perfectly fine and no one really fussed over it, till one day my boss was really trying to make me take them off for some reason. They said it was a suggestion from their boss, so i talked to their boss. they tried to tell me it was against dress code, which I had to tear apart. They tried to tell me it wasn't "sanitary" (for context, i work as a janitor in a hospital, and we have to wear plastic gloves while dealing with nasty substances. so the boss was concerned i couldn't get the gloves on to perform my duty.) i then explained I had already been using the gloves cause the sleeves were thin enough the gloves could just slide over. and even if they couldn't for some reason, the gloves were easy to just pull back down my wrist a little. after i showed him that and explained i wear them to help with my autism, he got really uncomfy and tried calling HR to "see if that was an accomodation we could make". the poor girl was just confused why she was even called saying "as long as they can do their work, which they just showed they can, why would their be a problem?". This wasn't EASY, I was a nervous wreck the entire time just barely getting my points out, but I knew I had to defend myself. ANd the result has been me being more and more able to tolerate the daily pressures of work, and thus performing even better. Before this, and still now, I also tried to do more pride stickers with a trans flag in the shape of a heart on the back of my phone. Im certainly not done with this road, but already ive felt alot better about myself and more willing to actually defend myself when its needed. (though in some cases i still need the shield...) the most important thing is to pick your battles. Sometimes, you do just need to be unapologetically yourself, but other times the best thing to do is to just put up the shield and brace for impact.

[@CloudyN1mbus]

The cinematography gets better with every video! Also for those of you struggling with masking, you got this. One day you'll find so much happiness, and you'll know the struggle was worth it.

[@powerplayer75]

at my work, there was this person who people regarded as annoying, including myself, yet he wasn't a bad person or anything. we just didn't like his personality. i think this illustrates my fear and reason for putting on a mask. you can either be genuine and have people (silently or openly) dislike you or be fake and have people be indifferent towards or like a fake version of you. in my past, i've found that my unmasked personality is simply annoying to most people which created problems that i'd simply rather avoid. however, its created an extremely dull life for me. i completely forgot how to talk to people and make new friends. all i can do is enjoy the time with existing friends who i suppose my annoyances aren't a huge issue to them. i have no idea if ill ever even have enough desire to learn to socialize properly. it used to be fun when i didnt have to constantly filter myself but now its just painful. i just wish i could effortlessly not be annoying and enjoy it.

[@sky-cz4ff]

this video is amazing and opened my eyes in many ways. i started crying halfway through because you have such a beautiful way with words and putting things into perspective. thank you for doing everything you do ◡̈

[@un4tune8]

Thank you so much for making videos like this, they've helped me alot to understand myself better. “man just like me frfr” But like seriously, they gave me the language/ explanation to the things that's happened in my life and I appreciate it. Take care internet person

[@BobOrKlaus]

this was... surprisingly emotional for me... thank you

[@questionedsanity785]

This video means so much to me, it captured so much of how I feel about masking. I don't know if I am ready to make too many changes in my life yet but I think this helped me to feel seen and that means a lot. Thank you.

[@MASTERCHIEF4816]

This was exactly what i needed. Thank you

[@eb-kk4jz]

thank you for the wonderful video!! it’s so comforting to hear someone share their experience like this. the metaphors you use are really insightful, i loved the social infrastructure and shield ones. i also just love your video style in general!

[@hellodelightfulrando]

Thank you for sharing all of this. I’m struggling rn to find who I am without the social and societal expectations of others. Realizing I’m on the autistm spectrum and realizing I was emotionally neglected as a child made me realize now as an adult that I have lost myself in a sea of just wanting to be accepted and loved. When people get angry with me over little things that don’t even matter, even if I’m doing nothing but defending myself and my decisions, I get demonized. I am harmless. I just want to be loved. So I fold. I’m trying to unlearn all of that and push myself away from those people but it’s hard since due to my childhood I’m terrified of being all alone again but it’s something I’m working on, brick by brick

[@trajectoryunown]

We've been blessed with not one but TWO uploads!?

[@craftagiraffe25]

I’m absolutely delighted I found this channel. I’m so fed up off content being churned out on this site I am overjoyed just to see a hobbyist making stuff meaningful to them

[@subnumeric]

Several times throughout watching this video I found myself disappointed that I have already pressed the like button, because I wanted to press it again.

[@MorbidRainbow]

I can't put my finger on what it is. But this video felt extremely cathartic for me, as if a weight dropped off my shoulders. Thank you for that. ^_^

[@DanteAgorio]

This video has confronted me with a grieving process. At first, I rejected the idea of having "masks." My logic went like this: "I never had friends in school; despite my efforts, I always ended up distancing myself from others and isolating myself. So, I was lucky enough to just be myself... right?" However, I soon realized that the polite way I express myself and my respectful attitude are the result of an attempt to please my teachers. I remembered that, at the time, I didn’t understand the meaning of the phrase “How are you?” and that I had to turn to tutorials to learn how to socialize, control my body language, and even give the proper tone to my voice. I learned to create social situations to be perceived as "normal." I tried to convince myself that I didn’t actually have that many masks. Last night, while talking to a friend, I had a catharsis: I was telling him how I felt watching deep videos, how sometimes I experienced "empathy," but at other times, I literally faked emotions. I was watching a video that was supposed to make me feel pain, so I acted as if I was suffering, even when I was alone. That’s when I realized that more than half of my emotions are just interpretations; if someone tells a joke, I laugh, but not intensely, and in a very specific way, because I’ve been told my laugh is inappropriate. I move my facial muscles to make it look convincing. I’ve internalized these fake emotions so much that they arise without thinking. This is distressing for me because I want to laugh genuinely, I want to feel something real with others. It deeply frustrates me that most of the time I find myself in a state of indifference, as if nothing matters, even when I’m with my only two friends. Right now, I’m searching for my authentic emotions, trying to identify and recognize when I’m acting. However, I still feel bad about myself for not being able to express and experience genuine emotions with the people I care about the most. I feel empty. And I’m only 18 years old... Now I understand how Lilian feels.

[@TrueAnonyman]

Your videos are always lovely, and moving, and deeply thoughtful, and really help me start processing a lot of stuff (including stuff I thought I'd already figured out more than I actually had). Thank you so much for making them

[@Lucens_Luna]

this is kinda life changing, been crying since the video came out

[@drankduck]

Oh my god, what a beautiful video. I cried multiple times. I will be returning to this video while I’m on my unmasking journey. I wish I could have watched this video 10 years ago

[@drankduck]

I’m just back on my third rewatch. Lillian, your writing is top-notch. On my first watch, I was definitely feeling the despair spiral, and then you were there to catch that and turn it around. What a video.

[@TheLivingHuman]

Did not know I needed this but here we are, thank you

[@linuu2173]

man i actually teared up at this video, thanks for doing what you do :]

[@RainCloud123]

Lillian I cannot stress enough just how good your videos are, or how much I enjoy them. Thank you so so so so so so much for making them!

[@toasterenthusiast8023]

I really want to thank you for making these videos they are a source of comfort and self discovery for me and many others and regardless of if you made a hundred more or stopped here you have made something really wonderful.