Unbound: A Narcissist's Internal Chaos

Narcissists willingly ignore plain truth as part of their ill-advised pain management strategy. As a result, they predictably carry chaos when they engage with you. Dr. C responds to viewer questions that highlight the many tensions their chaos creates, then discusses ways to remain disentangled.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his KZbin channel, his videos have received more than 130 million views.
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[@aaronkwolfe]

The kicker with their internal chaos: they cannot keep it to themselves.

[@aaronkwolfe]

They go from being just an addict, to a pusher.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

BTW, Aaron...I've decided to upload regular videos M/Th. Then Unbound will upload Tu/Sat, with a few extras scattered here and there.

[@lindabell2940]

Aaron cool ,hec our Doctor can teach us, and man Fred, Aaron, Amanda, Teresa, plus the, yea buddy, I'm with go team healthy, I can be cool, you folks know lots of human train, smart thoughts, I would always look at my narcissist, my blood and , man, hec I'm sorry we is not to bright, hec I flipped my wig, match pitching ugly, you folks can like help , yea buddy, this great peace and harmony, my Doctor is sharing, I'm almost team up, with it's nice to learn, hec I'm in love, just being, I got to feel something

[@RandomAnonymousChick]

They love to *Smear* campaign their Ulterior motive mess around in a drama & chaos Magical Mystery World Tour under the guise of Ultruism..the more drama & chaos the better. We are legion. You will assimilate. Confirming to non conformity.

[@Rachel-mz8ko]

So true!

[@brucefriedman1]

Narcissists live for the thrill of conquering, and then afterward, they are left empty and alone and in desperate need of another high to maintain a sense of purpose.

[@ASaltyGurl]

Absolutely

[@jeannehess607]

Narcissists do carry a ton of baggage. However, it’s not so much they don’t want deal with the baggage (although that’s true), but they cannot deal with the baggage. They are stuck in a place of childlike emotional underdevelopment for a myriad of reasons (think of a 5-year-old in a 50-year-old body); they cannot regulate their emotions any more than a 5-year-old. Hence the internal chaos that they dump on us. Dr. C is right that “it’s necessary to understand when narcissists comes toward you they carry a whole lot of baggage” [1:40], but who can really understand this on the front end of a narcissist relationship or as a child growing up in a narcissistic, dysfunctional home? Recovery and healing are absolutely possible AND it’s not an overnight process! Thanks Dr. C for your great work.

[@mariaernest976]

One very helpful clue Dr. C. gave us is the insight that the narcissistic person is still an emotional child. If you have a child, work with children, and so forth, take that image of the real child's behavior and mentally reduce the adult in front of you so that you see the "child". Children mature out of those behaviors; the narcissist does not for a myriad of reasons.

[@yukio_saito]

They emit their inner chaos into the atmosphere.

[@well_weathered]

Until the victim exudes it. Healing is the only way to become free, hence radical acceptance. To become free doesn't heal because some go on suffering for decades. They resist their own healing because they can't bare it.

[@yukio_saito]

@@well_weathered Well said. Thank you.

[@mariaernest976]

Like passing flatulence. It hangs in the air and makes you draw back.

[@gloriabowlin5564]

Thank you! I have detached myself from the 'N' even though we are in the same house, and I have had the relief of peace and calm. Best gift ever!

[@BaraSchmidt]

Who needs Chaos when Control is available? Who needs THEM when Healthy is available? Just... Stay Healthy!!

[@Hatbox948]

My nex manifested a lot of external chaos. He reminded me of a garbage truck barreling down the road with garbage flying out in every direction. He left messes wherever he went, be it emotional or literal. It was like it came from the inside out.

[@PaigeSquared]

This is such an on point metaphor!! My ex husband's family is like this. I saw it too late. I was so thrilled to be included that I didn't realize what sort of ride we were going on 😂🤦🏻‍♀️

[@JAYNEYOUNG-z1o]

My husband(soon to be ex) also was extremely inconsiderate, leaving messes for me. It was deliberate. Now he tries to impress his land lady by cleaning his side if the duplex. All part of his narcassistic show

[@PaigeSquared]

@@JAYNEYOUNG-z1o my ex had blamed HIS messes on our toddler!! 🤦🏻‍♀️ Dumb things, laundry baskets strewn about, cups on the floor, toilet paper in strange places. When I was finally able to get him evicted, it *all* stopped. I was absolutely appalled at how much he had been creating work for me. Cut out over 7hrs of chores per week, kicking him out. 😮‍💨🙄 The level of pettiness, was absolutely incredible.

[@gate7551]

Same!

[@rossanderson5243]

They take your own listening skills away from you and replace it with reactions to them.

[@roxymovie3938]

Chronic chaotic mindset: 1. Never being wrong 2. Must be in the controlling position 3. Lie easily 4. Can't accept responsibility 5. Always playing the victim 6. Triangulation (turn people against each other) 7. "Magical reset-button" (deleting stuff) 8. Being incredibly mean 9. Justification 10. "Magical reset-button" deletes whatever they want 11. Alternate reality (truth is whatever suits them) 12. Being very dishonest with themselves 》It's all about pain avoidance 》All their inner chaos they put onto you (projecting), because this works for them 》They've never learnt to connect the dots so that they have never learnt to solve their own inner problems. Dr Carter, hope these shorter notes will be visible for all 😉. BTW it's nice seeing you sitting relaxed on the sofa next to Gus. 🐶🌞🌈

[@thecustodian1023]

Sounds like one side of politics for the last decade or two. Reality was not on their agenda no matter the costs to everyone else.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Thanks Roxy!!!

[@gate7551]

Thanks for putting list together

[@gate7551]

Mother

[@annmcgetrick243]

Thank you for the nores!

[@2much2fast4me]

I love this new series, Dr. C.!! Thank you for putting this particular spin on the dynamic of narcissistic relationships … it’s very helpful!! I appreciate you!! 🙏❤️

[@JAYNEYOUNG-z1o]

That's absolutely appalling yet so predictable of a narcassist. Zero ownership. Mine got busted for speeding once and tried to convince the officer it was the set of new tires causing the van to go too fast! They are absolutely crazy & desperate! I'm glad you and your child can live a less messy and chaotic life.

[@JeanR-H]

The NARC I’m married to totally lost his footing when he found out I have documentation on him (journals) dating over 20’s ….as difficult as it is he is peaceful (past 3 yrs) with me. He is terrified of being exposed 😱. I never let my guard down…,we have basically lived separate lives for years. But financially secure. 🎉👍🏽

[@SynthRem]

The Narsasist in my life is able to fake something incredibly well for 3 - 5 months. One example is: I was diagnosed with a mental disability, they claimed they had it too and started showing a bunch of indicators of this disability. Until 4 months in when they said they don't think they have it and suddenly all those indicators were gone. They expected me to be more understanding in catering to their new needs, but they don't have to for my needs, I could "learn to overcome" my needs. They'd point out what I needed to work on using their 'talking to a young child' voice. It makes me so angry.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Their internal chaos always has an effect on YOU!

[@RandomAnonymousChick]

😂 if they aren't giving you STDs you still run the risk of MTDs Mentally Transmitted Disease.

[@Mds1472]

People including myself make the mistake of trying to get the narcissist to reason with logic and common sense but If they went into mutual agreement with you control and domination would cease which requires everything to be a competition in which they have to perceive themselves as the victor therefore don't expect any agreement unless it's on their terms ..

[@FuelUp-b2e]

I do this too. I get upset at myself for thinking there is hope for understanding in a mutual agreement. I forget it never works unless it’s on their terms. It’s so frustrating, mutuality brings connections and so many beautiful things in a relationship. If there is no mutuality then how is it even a relationship?

[@JackieFerrell-f6o]

Thank-you, Dr. Carter. As you listed the 12 narcissist traits from the two letters, I couldn't believe that I was on the receiving end of all these along with additional traits. I don't know how in the world I survived a 40-year marriage with a malignant narcissist. This podcast is incredibly helpful, especially explaining where their chaos comes from and explaining their "wiring." No wonder healthy people feel like banging their heads against a brick wall, but this doesn't help either. I still don't understand how they can choose to deliberately hurt others knowing how badly they were hurt.

[@DedeHough]

Thank you for your ongoing help, suggestions and insight. Sitting on the couch with you makes me feel I'm having a one-on-one counseling session. So grateful...

[@darinsmith2458]

Detach with Love means that I get to detach from their internal chaos..

[@sreed5633]

All twelve...dizzy from the rollercoaster..spinning on the never-ending hamster wheel. Thanks for all the help! Bless you. Working through this...

[@alexrusu2905]

I figured my wife had some weird behaviours and I talked about it and suggested we both go to therapy, to work through toghether, but she blame shifted it all onto me, saying I need therapy because I am the problem. Unfortunately she never took any accountability and then found something wrong enough to justify a divorce. I am at peace for doing my best, but sad I couldn't help her. Maybe she will take accountability some day.

[@mailwfgroup6883]

Don’t count on it

[@Rachel-mz8ko]

I feel very sorry for my narcissistic husband also; but, it does seem like you did everything you could.

[@thecustodian1023]

My ex was like that. She insisted we have marriage counseling due to all the things wrong with me. We made it through one session. It turned out that almost all of my/our problems were due to her actions and ever growing unrealistic expectations of me nad reality in general.

[@lindac6742]

I had couples therapy with the narc in my life. He suggested therapy so I could fix my trust issues with him but funny enough he turned around and got caught walking down the sidewalk arm in arm with a “strange woman” 6 hours after the therapy session….trust in that loser has shattered forever! We can do better!!!! They won’t be accountable until they lay on their death bed and have nothing but the memories left…by then it’s too late!!! ⏰ 😢

[@Arrtists]

I have been there. You cannot help the unwilling.

[@lindsaybolten4805]

Yes the reset button !! That is so true my husband who’s a malignant covert narcissist well go off the rail act like a five-year-old have a complete meltdown and five minutes later walk back into the room and act like nothing‘s wrong and will even say is everything OK you definitely don’t wannareact to that question as you know what them hearing the truth will bring but this happens multiple times a day most days it’s either all good or all bad and they completely act like nothing happened everything’s normal after they create chaos with their temper tantrums

[@oxigenarian9763]

I used to call this 'lack of internal controls' but internal chaos is a MUCH better description! Dr. C - as always, thanks for being there!

[@BobTheSchipperke]

One I know LOVES chaos. I am to the point of trying to be invisible (I can do it for all intensive purposes) so that there is no talk, so I don't help my customers with "whatever you do use this way to submit a ticket" as one will make sure to do it the other way. Case in point: They did it wrong. Delays happened. They got someone else to help them, and I stayed out because last time the three of us connected I heard the narcissist was "very upset" that I helped them. So, I did a peace out, "sounds like you got this" last Friday. I warned the other tech the last time, and I hope she gets it, but if not I did due diligence. Any attention is good attention? It's hard to aim for the center, chaos is EASY.

[@morgainnejade]

*_*_*_ intents and purposes_

[@Rachel-mz8ko]

❤ After listening to your advice in this video, I'm considering the central feature of narcissism may be a failure to take responsibility for self. I so empathize with the narcissists who may have been driven to take this position through unrelenting abuse and neglect; but, I'm beginning to acknowledge there may be other, less overwhelming reasons to take this position.

[@Arrtists]

It’s almost as if you have a direct window into my situation. Thank you Dr C. Spot on

[@judystevens6039]

When they dont get their way,and you come up against them then comes the silent treatment i did that with my adult son ,hes not spoken to me for 2yrs it almost broke me

[@felicialeuschen4903]

Awesome video, very informative. I am blamed for everything. 30 years of the silent treatment, bullying, and control. Now i was told when I become angry and my voice raises I am causing his PTSD to rear its ugly head. I am having so much anxiety over this and just pray that I can hold one.

[@jeankipper6954]

How baffling that they do not seem to understand plain words. That they "remember" things that just did not happen, or that happened completely differently than I remember. Gaslight, in 100% denial of what I SAW, participated in. Denial of agreements we made. Crazy making. Not always, but enough that you never knew.

[@brandonwhodeyer8531]

My parents got a divorce years back. I do not talk to my father much because of how he is. But a few months ago I was on the phone with him and he was talking about the divorce as though he was reliving it. And I simply asked him, so u did nothing wrong with why mom divorced u? He said no, it was all my brothers fault basically. My brother was his scape goat. Now there was a time were I would of actually believed him but threw my own growing and working on myself I seen threw his bs. People like this do make up there own truth and I think they gas light themselves into believing it is true, but at the beginning I think they know deep down its false but eventually if u tell a lie to yourself so many times, eventually u will start to believe it. I'm just glad I'm better than I used to be. There is great freedom in personal responsibility and admitting when I'm wrong. I struggled with these things myself for many years.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I'm glad for you. If your dad cannot be honest, at the very least, you can examine his struggles with the intent of learning and taking the family tree into a different direction. I respect your willingness to grow. Dr. C. #TeamHealthy

[@surlif]

i have an interesting tendency for becoming somewhat aware of certain traits of the narcissists in my life right before Dr. Carter explains them so clearly!! And I go, "AHA!"

[@Darkpheria]

Struggling with Not feeling duped and wanting to be vindictive. Praying for DCR.❤

[@jajn2]

You wanna really get into the head of someone like this? Ask them what their hobbies are 😂

[@thecustodian1023]

Their hobbies are feeling perfect and finding fault with everyone else's lives even if both are completely made up.

[@lindadurochia7066]

So helpful. Thank you so much.

[@JeanR-H]

Hi 👋🏾 I have enjoyed your content for years. It has helped me to learn & grow exponentially! THANK YOU FOR YOUR DILIGENCE.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You are so welcome!

[@FlowerChildren-i5g]

So helpful to have the examples!

[@gailerickson6976]

Super helpful. If only I could keep that truth in mind from day t day and not respond to my N as if he’s normal and just needs help at the moment (for 50 years) 😳

[@Arrtists]

For so long I excused it. Gave it a pass. Due to their past, their childhood their first marriage and many factors that they endured throughout their first 38 years of life.

[@crenee2sell]

But they lie…

[@crenee2sell]

Everything is a problem for them. The dish strainer the weather, the food, the furniture, the clothes, you everything is after them out to get them messing with them.!! Not you left that there that’s why you tripped over it

[@amuddymoose]

Oh yes…the magical reset button. I know it very well. And I also recognize the “I’m a nice guy” phrase they fling around all the time. Total delusion.

[@caroleminke6116]

If you remember the Peanuts cartoon characters then Pigpen comes to mind 🐖 but wrestling with pigs just gets mud all over you & they enjoy this sport, so hold your nose & keep on going!

[@gate7551]

It stops when you don’t get into the Boxing Ring with them

[@crenee2sell]

I call mine pig pen

[@catherinewilson1079]

I can explain the narcissist with one TRUE VERSE; the sins of the father are carried unto the third and fourth generation. 😟😟😟

[@martinmargerrison2300]

Precision stuff as always Dr C. Team healthy checking in. Tarzan is getting worse but is hopefully standing too close to the vortex he has created. The law of averages says he will reap just what he has sown over the last 10 years. When he falls flat on his arse it will be inevitable. Best wishes, love and respect to you and your family and followers from chilly round the willy Slovenija. Lemmy and Bonzo send regards to Gus. Keep on rockin' 😼😽😎😅👍

[@sherrypennington6015]

You’re asked a question and your response is talked over and they never hear you. So why bother asking…

[@Bea-wb9uk]

Internal chaos..dismotional regulations..lil meme joke.

[@fred.k9875]

🙏

[@carolnahigian9518]

you NEVER LIVED, til you get a 5 page Typed letter from my brother; ( listing allmy Failings!) he is INFAMOUS FOR VILE MIND AND DIVA DRAMAS

[@Michael_Arguello]

I have a question. What would a covert self righteous narcissist do if you published a book about how your experience with them woke you up to emotional and psychological abu$e?

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

If you name names, it won't be pretty. I'm not saying you shouldn't, but prepare yourself for retribution.

[@richellepeace4457]

The demons the bible warned us about.

[@JeanR-H]

Hi 👋🏾 I have enjoyed your content for years. It has helped me to learn & grow exponentially! THANK YOU FOR YOUR DILIGENCE.