Unconditional positive regard -- the power of self acceptance | Michelle Charfen | TEDxRedondoBeach

This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences. Michelle shares her personal journey towards Unconditional Positive Regard and self acceptance through the lens of parenting. This is a story about relationships and ultimately the relationship you have with yourself.
Michelle Charfen has had a lifelong passion for learning. She was fascinated by the human body and from an early age dreamt of becoming a physician. In high school, she began tutoring students, discovering a love of facilitating learning for others as well. She would eventually study Human Biology as an undergraduate at Stanford, teach preschool during the summer vacations, and spend the year after graduation teaching at an elementary school in East Palo Alto.
Michelle’s childhood dream was finally realized upon attending Harvard Medical School. She then completed a residency in Emergency Medicine at Harbor-UCLA Medical Center, followed by a research fellowship during which she obtained a Masters of Epidemiology from the School of Public Health at UCLA. Teaching medical students and residents in an academic environment was perfectly suited to her enthusiasm for constant learning. In 2008, she stepped down from her faculty position as an Assistant Professor at the UCLA School of Medicine to devote this period of life to her growing family while continuing to work part time in Emergency Medicine.
Her personal journey, struggles, and successes as a parent organically led to an interest in supporting other families. Michelle completed the Parent Educator Certification Program through Echo Parenting and Education, and now combines this training with her previous experience and knowledge to help others learn effective tools for compassionate communication.
About TEDx, x = independently organized event In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)

[@sharonwerner7949]

I love this statement: "When we're calm and we're centered, we have access to the most evolved part of our brain...when we get upset, we lose the connection to that part of the brain." Bingo!

[@lindakeene356]

We have a hard time with self acceptance because we learn by example. Most people parent by denying love and acceptance to kids until they do what they want. That's how we all learn that people won't love us unless we do things to please them. Of course, you can never please them. I recently, at 52, experienced unconditional acceptance for the first time in my life. I thought having not experienced it as a child doomed me to self hatred. I thought the only way for it to be better was to go back in time and have my family accept me unconditionally. I was amazed to find that just having one person accept me unconditionally completely changed my feelings about myself. It took a long time for me to believe that someone accepted me unconditionally, but, when I finally did, the constant pain of rejection lifted for the first time. YOU can set the example for someone else. Show them what unconditional acceptance looks like and that will help them do it for themselves.

[@HeidiG123]

Linda Keene yes.🙌

[@XffTheGrid411]

Brilliantly said. I absolutely love what you wrote. Thanks for sharing.

[@articuluent]

Thank you for sharing, I appreciate stories of experience because they give me confidence that something is possible. I hope to find that same acceptance too and build a capacity to give it freely to others.

[@SolaceEasy]

Please don't include me when you say "we".

[@ynh148]

But what distinguishes offering unconditional acceptance and pleasing other people?

[@josephcelesbin9509]

Upmost truth in the speech: You can't love or accept anyone else until you can love and accept yourself at first place.

[@lumami3530]

Joseph Celesbin c est meilleur

[@SolaceEasy]

That is not the truth. However it is easier if you care for yourself.

[@Slime5276]

I am a very self critical person and this Tedtalk helped me find the solution. This should definitely get more views.

[@breakmanradio2530]

Amen. I've been listening to TedTalks about self-compassion all morning and I'm so relieved but also so sad that I didn't discover this earlier in my life. So much unnecessary pain could have been avoided.

[@SolaceEasy]

Whenever you say "I am", be quite careful what you say afterwards. I am compassionate. I am lovable and loving. I am healing now. These are the types of statements that should follow the words "I am".

[@bobpurnell6721]

This helped save my life. Thank You!! I HATED myself. It allowed me to be a human being...not perfect. I HAD to accept myself AS I AM. Or not be able to love, or even function as a person Bless You!! This helped...SO MUCH.

[@Laura-lc4ps]

I love this!.. it was so relatable and so refreshing to hear someone talk about all the messy stuff that we all go through as parents

[@SolaceEasy]

#1 in New Curriculum for America.

[@davidcouch6901]

This is my favorite Ted Talk ever. I appreciate Michelle and her message. Thank you!

[@marcofognog]

"I am going to be present for both of us" is a very interesting statement

[@veronicaherrera7586]

One of the best Ted talks ever 🤲🏽

[@carmensierra3935]

i raise my child with unconditional love and acceptence. no bad things or people, just challeneges to overcome and understand no fear, no victimizing ourselves because life hurts feelings, this is eastern idea of accepting impermanence along with understanding u can only control ur mind and body ...everything else is how we see ourselves and our ability to adapt to lifes situations. life is easy and beautiful when u learn peace of mind. it becomes unshakable and nirvana is in reach for everyonw

[@chrismarklowitz1001]

You can tell she truly has accepted herself unconditionally as she speaks so freely about her shortcomings as a parent. It's freeing to hear for me and I'm sure many others who I'm sure at some point have all been angry or manipulative in some way and try to hide it. Cause they think it's unacceptable and don't truly accept themselves unconditionally

[@ammarabatool9910]

As a mommy of a toddler, I am really thankful to you for this talk. luvd it. thank you

[@JmusicxK]

I love how honest she was when saying she was attracted to titles such as "how to control your kids". Even finding the right resources to help you on your path to what you really want can be so challenging when there's material all around us attempting to buy into those deep vulnerabilities. You really have to go through it

[@fionaokane5019]

This is one of the best Tedx talks I have ever watched, listened to and felt! If only it were shown at parents nights with the teaching professionals involved as well.....Thankyou Michelle.....excellent work :)

[@LiquidfirePUA]

? point me to a human who has 0 struggle or problems

[@lauraw.9876]

@@LiquidfirePUA I wonder what you thought Fiona meant to come up with your question. I didn't see anything about having 0 struggles or problems. I interpreted the talk to be saying WHEN we are having struggles or problems, use unconditional positive regard for ourselves to help get through those struggles and problems. Not eliminate them.

[@janna8864]

Thank you so much for describing so clearly and vulnerably what I so often experience as a mother. Being a “good mother” is definitely something that I have struggled to have a growth mindset about. As a psychologist working in education, I have often thought that Dweck’s theory (although so helpful) was missing this key piece of unconditional acceptance - you tied these ideas together so beautifully. As a Christian, I am trying to center myself on Jesus to receive his unconditional acceptance of me so I can be my most healthy self and pass this on to my children.

[@jaystevens4013]

In social work and counseling this is such a critical lesson. Meeting clients where they are at, non-judgmentally, is impossible unless I unconditionally accept myself, love myself. Otherwise, parts of the clients will trigger my own fears - whether they be fears of failure as a social worker, or fear of the client's pain reminding me of my own pain, or fear that the client will never reach their goals (and what that means about me). Rogers was completely in tune with what clients need(ed) - Unconditional Positive Regard - but he didn't (as far as I can see from my readings) focus heavily on the need for the helper to offer that to him or herself first. This is key. Rogers said that the counselor must be "congruent", which he defined as having our inner worlds and outer worlds match. I think this is part of the answer. But more than that, we must accept and love ourselves unconditionally - radically even - before we can truly help others self-actualize.

[@ngocquang0329]

Rogers said: "One way of putting this which may seem strange to you is that if I can form a helping relationship to myself -if I can be sensitively aware of and acceptant toward my own feelings- then the likelihood is great that I can form a helping relationship toward another." and I guess and I can understand "helping relationship" means congruence, unconditional positive regard, and empathy.

[@naomim7598]

Well said! :)

[@nadarienart]

it is so zen that the moment she stopped trying to be zen she became zen. Love it.

[@gempassion]

Where is the REAL terrorism? On the outside? Or on the inside? The day we no longer have to fight against the enemy in our selves is the day we will no longer have to fight against the enemy in the world. I send a deep prayer inside myself & inside everyone for inner softness. This day the human condition will be one not of judgement but of forgiveness. The softness inside us will expand and grow so deep that we will have peace. & so will the world. Remember you are not alone if you need help reach out. It will be there. There are many who want to love you & help you love yourself. Reach out. Help will arrive!

[@lornocford6482]

Well said

[@johngallagher5787]

So it's true... I have been revising Rogers and until now couldn't find the key to unlock this breakthrough in personal growth. I had worked on self acceptance and had guessed on being totally honest with myself... but Michelle has just given me the remainder of the real answer. Thanks Michelle.

[@missmarwa150]

It reminds me of myself alot. When I get overwhelmed at work, I start losing control. Once a colleague said to me whenever this happen you have to stop, take a breath, slow down and think about the present moment. This talk is very informative indeed. Thank you for sharing your story ♥️

[@CraigDesorcy]

I've been working with small children for over 20 years and I am so happy to see this mom really gets it! Awesome Michelle. You are such an inspiration for all the struggling parents out there.

[@joyfulbodies]

Oh man .... I needed this after the morning of trying to get my son, who is a Fearsome Four, off to school this morning. Thank you for presenting in a lucid, relateable, honest way the path you took toward improving relationships, with your child and yourself.

[@XffTheGrid411]

Easily one of the best Ted talks. This is life changing knowledge.

[@lewis56405]

Warm and funny, engaging and heartfelt. This is the most informative talk on real UPR that I have seen. She displays such evolved self-awareness and bravery is exposing her faults and times when she makes mistakes. Truly bloody brilliant.

[@southerncomet98]

That was a beautiful speach. I laughed with her worry about the cops.

[@hafsaansar9865]

this shows you how to be non judemental, first to your self and then to other, to practise compassion in the face of adversity, to fight that adrenal rush and think rationally, compassionatly to your self and to your kids, spouse, everybody, to be able to shift your mentality and let go of the need to be in control, to be able to be present, accepting and cherishing, thank you for this wonderful speech

[@lauren7003]

This concept goes really well when working with young kids and also when forming new friendships / relationships as you get older. In a way it relaxes the defense “ego” and allows us to be ourselves :)

[@lisalou1384]

Thank you so much for being honest and authentic.

[@summondadrummin2868]

Really important talk. I sometimes have thought that if humans don't get these tools and insights uhhhhh the future is going to be dicey at best. Michelle you have a funny and enjoyable way of presenting these ideas!

[@kamiliahassan8958]

one of the best TEDx talk I have ever heard, my thoughts about self-acceptance had totally changed.

[@kiikat]

Amazing 💖 thanks for sharing. Sound a lot like ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy)

[@shauna_kelly]

This is one of the best Ive ever seen. wow.

[@zin82e98]

This just might save my relationships and also the one with myself, thanks 🤍

[@d0ntbeevil]

I find it beautiful to listen to a person describing her experiences with candid lucidity. It's reassuring to realize that things can make sense even when we don't try to force meaning and significance on the narrative, for fear that if we didn't, we would look bad.

[@TestingPyros]

After having done sim racing for years, I have realized that everything about racing parallels perfectly with life. Starting with "Slower is faster". Can't get much better than that.

[@lieslmeyers7356]

Bravo Michelle! So appreciate your passion and efforts to create this kind of love and regard for yourself and those you love!

[@atheneafaye2217]

Absolutely excellent TED talk. Thank you Michelle

[@TheFinishingStrike]

How is it fucking 2015 and we're JUST starting to realize this? So many kids are being neglected and its like no one cares.

[@samus323]

+Cory Chapman Unfortunately, there's no test to become a parent and plenty of bad habits that are reinforced.

[@lewis56405]

+Cory Chapman I feel that it is because this approach takes effort. It is easy to shout at children and become very directive, i know because i have done it! This method takes a personal level of input, and commitment

[@WhirledPublishing]

lewis, it's actually easy. I raised twin daughters as a stay-at-home mom so I speak from experience. Long before I had children, I focused on my education because I wanted to live the best life possible. My Master's work was in Human Potential and then I became a Doctoral Scholar. I was also a musician, a designer, a researcher, a prolific writer, a dancer, a long-distance bicyclist and a long-distance runner. I taught at a private college and served as an expert witness in court cases, and then my daughters were born. Fortunately, I'd learned that babies and children were awesome human beings so I treated my baby daughters like they were awesome human beings. I sat on the floor with them instead of sitting in a chair because I wanted to be with them at their level. I never put them in high chairs, we had picnics at the park and picnics on the floor at home. I took them for walks every day and we spent almost everyday at the playground with lots of other kids. I did this for them because I was aware of the hundreds of reports that said the happiest children are those who play. I took them to museums, I took them to the zoo, we walked everywhere - and they were the happiest kids I'd ever known. They never yelled " no ". They never yelled anything at me. They never threatened me - nothing. I never ever used time-out because I never had to. At age one and a half, I bought them their first puzzle which they solved right away. I bought them another puzzle with more pieces - which they solved right away. This continued up until age three when they were each completing their own 50-piece puzzles in under a minute - that's about one puzzle piece per second. I had decided early on that I would not put them in daycare until they were able to communicate with me what was going on there. When they were three, we moved into a new neighborhood with school age children who were very friendly toward my daughters and who were getting on the school bus in the mornings and being dropped off in the afternoons. One of my daughters came to me and said, "Mom, when I'm fohah, I'm gonna love you and go to school, wight?" I knew she was telling me she wanted to go to school so I put them in pre-school - they loved it - and I had free time for the first time in years. I'd been working four full-time jobs since they were born - three eight-hour shifts M-F and then a 48-hour weekend. At age six, we were walking to the library nearly every day - they would pick out and check out their own books. The library had a Paws for Reading program and since my daughters loved animals, I would take them to every session of Paws for Reading - my daughters were almost always the only kids at that program and we were definitely the only ones who attended regularly - my daughters would lay on the floor and read to the dogs and they thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. From the time they were six years old, I took them on long bike rides and we continued to go on long walks. All the way down the sidewalks, they were dancing and doing cartwheels so I decided I would not put these happy lively human beings in a school where they would be forced to sit behind a desk for six hours a day. They were already reading, they already knew their basic math, etc., so I didn't put them in school. At age seven, I opened bank accounts in their names and gave them their ATM cards with their pin numbers which they memorized. Money was electronically deposited into their accounts and they used their ATM cards on a regular basis. At age eight, I taught my daughters how to lay out the multiplication table - which was easy because they already knew how to count by 2's, 5's and 10's. They memorized the multiplications right away so I showed them what the multiplication table looked like when it was expanded out to the 12's. A few months later, I gave them a hand-out quiz for the multiplication table up to ten and they both got them all right - except they both missed 7 x 3 = 21. At age nine, I taught them to convert percentages to decimals to fractions - using what they already knew about money. They were playing monopoly a lot in those days and having a blast with it. Then they began pre-Algebra which they enjoyed playing with night and day - to them Algebra was just solving puzzles. They found websites that offered tutorials on Algebra, learning to type, etc., and they learned anything and everything they wanted. They were voracious readers. They never fought - until they were nine years old - and then they never fought again. At one point, they said insulting words back and forth and I called them over to me. They stood in front of me looking up at me. I said to one, "This is my daughter." I said to the other, "This is my daughter.... when you say hurtful things to my daughter, you are hurting my feelings." They never said insulting things again. At age ten, my daughters tested in to college level English. I made copies of their scores that had their names on them - from the college - and took these print-outs to the Paws for Reading group, along with a letter thanking them for their help. My daughters were also in swim classes, gymnastics, music, band, tennis, diving, dancing, etc. They went to state in chess, became ballerinas en pointe, played several music instruments, could sight read and play by ear, etc. At 13, they started Calculus, which they didn't like so much, then they earned full scholarships, went to college, got jobs and continue to live happy - very social, very physically active - lives. You might say I succeeded at college, at parenting and at life because I had good parenting myself - but I didn't grow up with parents. I was the only parent I ever had. My mom left when I was little and my dad was a workaholic who rarely came home. I have very few memories of my parents. From the age of three I knew I was on my own. From my earliest memories I consciously chose to be happy and I decided that since I didn't have anyone to help me through life, I would figure out the world for myself. As I was growing up, my dad provided me with a house to live in, food, clothes, the dancing classes I asked for and a bit of money but I rarely spoke with him and I never had a relationship with him. He treated me like I could do anything I put my mind to and I did. As a child, I taught myself how to ride a bike, how to swim, how to play the keyboard, I was the chess champion, I won an award for my oratory skills - because I had a mind-blowing memory - I was a musician, an acrobat, a dancer and designer and I was happy. From the ages of 12 to 17, I lived alone in my dad's house. At night, I set my alarm, got up for school, enjoyed my day, came home, sang with four speakers blasting for hours, did my acrobatics and then I'd write in my journal until I fell asleep. I was a happy kid and a happy teen with friends, lots of school activities, etc., and then I went to college on scholarship. I've pursued several career paths simultaneously - in music, design, chemistry, physics, earth sciences, history, economics, etc. After my Bachelor's I designed a neurological technique that catapulted my IQ which allows me to pursue all my interests. Later, I created an operatic vocal technique that allows me to sing for hours with ease - I sing in ten languages. I live on a mountain in a tropical paradise, I love my work, I go to dance class, work out at the gym, go to the beach and live the best life of anyone I know. I embrace truth, peace, health, happiness, kindness, beauty, brilliance, wonder, laughter and fun. This is the way to the most awesome life.

[@lewis56405]

My comment was from my perspective in residential care. Your answer is from YOUR experience, and I can honestly say the majority of parents that I meet to not have the approach you take. So in saying it is easy, a fairer way, would be to say YOU found it easy!

[@MELODYMUNRO]

Because hurt people, hurt people...we can only give out from what we know..and from where we are in our own brokenness..it often requires someone outside of ourselves to help us see a new and better way...to help with our load...once upon a time extended families and whole communities raised a child.

[@vivianfontes860]

Damn - this was exactly what i needed! thank you for sharing your story. I also struggle with self acceptance, specialy outside "the performance pressure" - also to allow myself to rest and do things that aren't productive (like playing video games, etc.). unconditional self acceptance helps me, to feel that its okay and normal to rest.

[@draapulus]

Summary: Advice: -Slow down -Develop awareness -Cultivate the belief that you can change -Decide what really matters to you -When you've gone astray Accept Repair Center

[@cara5868]

Grateful for this talk. I've always wanted to raise my child with such unconditional compassion and this is something i really needed to see reiterated now.

[@pijushmoni6293]

True gem! one of the best speech.

[@justinwmusic]

Wonderfully insightful and vulnerable, with some great comedic twists. Ties in perfectly to what I've been learning about toxic shame - the source of this harsh inner critic that has been passed down from generation to generation. This kind of awareness has the potential to break the generational cycle.

[@stoi5946]

Dear Lord, the importance of this talk! Thank you so much for this, needs more views.

[@smccotter]

Yeah Michelle! You are just as inspiring as ever. Huge hugs to you!

[@stephaniefaunce8625]

Love this!! This is so my story of inner work through parenting as well. Thank you for articulating it so well.

[@whowiseedet]

Very heartwarming and sound advice. I also have to comment on how she looks and sounds like Elastigirl from the Incredibles.

[@treciaingabire4161]

I remember being in the 7th grade and thinking all the adults know everything and I can’t even understand science(sea floor speading). I but I was one of the smartest people in the class. I told myself that I would just need to become the smartest person in the class till senior year of high school. I wasn’t but that really helped my growth mind set. I use to ask all the smarter kids to help me understand. I admired them and what they could do. It was hard swallowing my pride but it payed off. I now kinda know what most adults know😅😊

[@iwnunn7999]

obviously very smart, excellent and timely content, and well presented. great job

[@leashiaarrowsmith3327]

Wow such a powerful message. Thank you

[@ashmeadali]

Sing HU daily to open your heart to love yourself and all of life, unconditionally, as God does. HU app shows how.

[@titamonk9770]

Love.....love.... so much, what a brilliant speech

[@katedahan2074]

What a wonderful ted talk !!!!!😊🙏

[@suhara6045]

This really spoke to me! One of my favorite talks yet.

[@amyb774]

This was exactly what I needed to hear at exactly the right time. Thank you. 🙏

[@sublimejourney3384]

Amazingly true.

[@johnbelani6600]

Finally, some tools to use, to transform one's way of thinking and living the life you want.

[@SueShepard]

Thanks for sharing your personal journey and your candid parenting stories. Your talk was very inspirational.

[@peaceiswithyou.8090]

Outstanding advice for parents AND non-parents. The essence of effectively living in the Now. Judgment gone; only unconditional self-love allowed.

[@ItsMe-sc1vq]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us! I loved learning from it.

[@deepagodbole8033]

amazing stuff!" unconditional self acceptance" - this is what I was looking for !

[@jaymcconnell3840]

You touch on so much info that I’ve found really helpful in this talk and that I need to go back and study more- Carl Rogers, Marshall Rosenberg, and I saw 3 Alfie Kohn books. Wow, thank you for sharing your experience. I agree wholeheartedly and you motivated me to do more of this.

[@amyb774]

Yes! Me too! I absolutely love Carl Rogers’ and Marshall Rosenberg’s work! I’m going to look into Alfie Kohn now. Thank you 😊

[@abdul2009]

Wow! This is one of the most powerful talks I've ever watched! Thank you:) ✌🏽

[@andreawashington4977]

This is so profound!!! What’s imbedded in this is also self compassion. Thank you Michelle for this TT 🙏🏽

[@guyvanwunnik3920]

what a brilliant talk, honest, authentic, truthful and gives so much to think about

[@Kayotesden]

Such a wonderful talk. I have this on repeat for a few days now.

[@TheOlgaKay]

This is superb! The level of retrospection and self reflection is truly inspiring! Bravo Michelle!

[@tylerlasarow]

Beautifully said.....

[@stephanietran1907]

She did my stitches recently 😭

[@YaEliRoCz]

wow what an amazing woman and inspiring talk!

[@lesterparadero5822]

I just had an ironic ephiphany. seiously. thank you ted talk

[@dianeclayton4936]

Bravo!! Thanks for your courage to share your process!!

[@gemwebb]

great video insights on making positive change in communication

[@jeanb.2152]

Wow ~ good stuff! I'm in!

[@philgormley4652]

Thank you

[@nataliashine]

So relatable

[@patriciaponton218]

THANK YOU!

[@louisefuller7044]

Thank you Michelle!! Absolutely brilliant. Totally got that. x

[@georganderson4450]

What a brilliant talk. I am happy, I stumbled upon it :-)

[@kimchilds1035]

SOOOOO GOOD - thanks! Sharing widely...wonderful.

[@Mrfmacz]

Thanks Michelle for sharing your experience and insights! Love it!

[@gempassion]

Once we change the front inside ourselves from a war zone against a relentless inner enemy to a love zone we will begin to heal the greatest wound inside are self. The biggest challenges in the world. Depression, fear, addiction, terrorism and most of the chronic illness which "technology is working so hard to cure" result from one common cause. Lack of self love. It's time we change & incorporate this as the fundamental premise in our educational system starting from the developing mind.

[@jimalessandra5908]

Very valuable, Thanks

[@maris5888]

Awesome, thank you.

[@katrolinka89]

This one is amazing, thank you!

[@Zumbaforthesoul]

love this!!!

[@hew195050]

I also feel this is one of the best Ive seen. Just this one talk could change the world.

[@monicahall792]

This is brilliant!

[@ZeeJayBay]

First TED talk I've ever come across where every word is golden and this is coming from a childless lesbian. Taking so many notes mind as well be a transcript. Thanks so much for this invaluable talk and exposing yourself in front of the world.

[@t75jra2]

This is amazing. Thank you so very much. This is really life changing material. I am so grateful I found this.

[@Cnctax]

One of the best Tech Talk

[@donnagonzalez8499]

I love this...I love all of you Michelle! Thank you so much for speaking up for all young parents and their children! Your life long friend, Donna Gonzalez

[@susantompkins4254]

Thank you for this, this has helped me for also for my course that im doing

[@brigitotero]

Thank you! What more can I say . . . Thank you.

[@ariesmoon9143]

I really enjoyed this one!

[@marymcelroy9879]

Excellent. Thank you.

[@raghadhesham8198]

This is so helpful. Thank you!

[@mariao3873]

I love your story. Thank you for sharing it so openly and honestly. I liked the self-reflection diary and how you moved from doing the self-reflection in the morning or afterwards to now the actual moments. Self awareness is a skill we can all learn if we open ourselves up for ourselves and then applying it to acceptance of self. Again thanks, wonderful talk.x

[@tracydurso228]

Excellent information and presentation!

[@BBK727]

Wonderfully done.