Understanding Cheating: Insights from Dr. Julie Gottman

[@johnevemerton]

Great video, This past few months has been an eye opener for me, the one I love, the one i cherish still Left me, I lost alot of friends because of her, she often said they were bad influence on me, and she still left me, i still love her and that is what hurts the most. Love sometimes is unexplainable and cruel.

[@sherryanderson-y2p]

I feel your pain, Believe me I do, i was in a similar position, he left me, but i couldnt just let him go because i knew i was the cause of it, i chose my work over him and the kids, I didnt want to loose him, so i contacted a spiritual counsellor for advice on how to get him back and to my greatest surprise it worked out, she brought him back to me, and its been over a year and half, i have never been this happy.

[@johnevemerton]

Thank you for this, I know i wasnt alone on this i often sit and think what i will become without her because i have no one else, I think i might just give this a try,how did you get in touch with him/her, if you do not mind me asking.

[@johnevemerton]

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive

[@Ilyevey]

Do yourself a favor and move on forgive and move on cheating partners are not worth your time

[@petrawilliamson620]

Its so hard when you spent 30 years with someone

[@donnasimmons2241]

​@@petrawilliamson620Its easy to walk away from lying, betrayal and deceit. If he loved you it would have never happened. Love equals commitment, devotion and loyalty. Cheaters do not change. I invested 25 years only to be betrayed. Being alone is so much better than being lied to, humiliated and betrayed. We all deserve respect and you get none of that from an adulterer.

[@GrumpyOldTech]

@@petrawilliamson620once a cheater, always a cheater, see it time and time again….

[@kristina4395]

For me someone who judges people like you is not worth someones time.

[@montrose252]

Betrayal cannot be forgiven.

[@S-M-9]

I can't get past the fact they didn't make effort to do right BEFORE cheating, AND they were willing to risk my life with possible exposure to STDS... It's a deal breaker for me. We are now friends and our marriage is "open."

[@lilithowl]

All STIs except one (herpes) are easily curable. You're likely to be in far more trouble from a cold or flu your partner gave you. Even the blood borne virus that is sexually transmitted (HIV) is able to be completely controlled now. The STIs/BBVs are hardly the big issue when it comes to cheating. There are far more toxic aspects to worry about.

[@bradleywesterford3587]

I'd rather leave the relationship

[@MissHannah2036]

@@bradleywesterford3587 yes exactly, no one is getting 100% of anyone, unless they're all happy using each other, then go for it. Seems like the husband was always having an open relationship now he has permission to continue.

[@kayodudu5190]

​@@bradleywesterford3587I left the relationship

[@geemail369]

_"But how am i supposed to know whether it's right/wrong without doing it?!"_ 🙃

[@goddessglow6996]

No no and no love and respect yourself !!! I can’t believe she’s giving this kind of advice. Trust will be forever unrepairable.

[@MissHannah2036]

many of these men are narcissists who want their cake and eat it. I doubt many men are willing to sit through 12 months of therapy that takes commitment.

[@if7363]

Are you a therapist or relationship scientist? She is.

[@if7363]

Listen her and her husband interview on diary of CEO podcast. Of course, if someone of you can not work through it, she does not exclude complete severance of connection. This video gives insight into how it works and what happens psychologically. She is not saying that you must stay no matter what.

[@IcU81]

I am sure this is true, however it depends on the circumstances. If your partner confesses and shows remorse you can possibly work through it. When you however find out from a third party AND you find out this is a repeated pattern AND there is no remorse there is no way through.

[@kayodudu5190]

Facts!! This is what I went through and still he was not remorseful about it, now our relationship is broken .

[@michelledavidson1781]

If a person breaks your heart once, they will break your heart every day for the duration of the relationship. Who wants to live that way? Who wants to bend over backwards to keep a liar and cheater in their presence? That is the very definition of codependence. If they can't control themselves, we don't owe them forgiveness, "therapy", a second Chance to hurt us. We forgive them for ourselves and move on. They've shown you who they are. Narcissists don't change, they simply adapt. They become better at hiding their infidelity, which puts you in more danger. Therapy is dangerous for a woman because a cheater uses it to manipulate you into keeping them in your life. You jump through the hoops, while they pretend to change and string you along, use you and waste your time. You aren't a better person for trying to "work it out". Cheaters don't truly want to stop. They are opportunistic. Why stay trusting an untrustworthy person.

[@phoenixmode6909]

This comment . This right here. This woman is wrong. My narcissistic cheating ex played all the therapist we'd been to, manipulating them into also blaming me for his choices.

[@kayodudu5190]

​@@phoenixmode6909She is wrong on this one, My husband cheated, with multiple women, found cindoms with sperms, calks, text, a lot of mess, I told him I would forgive him if he told the truth, he tolfd jalf truths,blamed me for his choices and still continued, Ihad to call it quit

[@johnsonjj117]

how can you ever get back to a point of trust that is not built on constantly checking up on them or making them have total transparency. I understand for a time it is necessary but each time I have discovered an affair has been harder and harder because she has hid it better and better.

[@x2x538]

I'm sorry, man, but you get a stop putting up with that shit.

[@kenofken9458]

I avoid this all at the front end. I make it clear from minute one of day one that I'm never going to be monogamous with them or anyone else and so I don't want or expect that from them either. No need to cheat. I'm going to have other partners, they can to. Let's just be honest with each other as to the time we spend together. Maybe not the solution for everyone, but it's worked for me for many years.

[@johnsonjj117]

@@kenofken9458 I love your brutal honesty man! I’m at the opposite end of the spectrum, I made it known that I’m only interested in a monogamous relationship. I even asked my wife to come to me before anything happened and we would just go our separate ways but as she said to me the other day “I wanted my cake and to eat it too”. I guess I’m part of a minority or a dying breed but the sucky part is others think they want this when in all reality they’re just lying to themselves. Was with my wife for 17 years and I could honestly say I never thought about or entertained the idea of another woman And even after 17 years, she could get me just as bothered as the first year we were together so I never understood people when they said they lost interest because things became boring.

[@BurdaBree]

If she's a sex addict she needs special therapy. You both need therapy and coping skills. You as the betrayed need to decide what your end goal is with this person. Then figure out if they're willing to go there with you. Accountability apps on her devices, whether she knows about them or not won't hurt and could give you peace of mind if she says she's doing the work to heal your relationship. If she's not willing to do the work, you need to decide if the craziness you feel looking through her devices 24/7 until she cheats again, is worth it. Her addiction won't change without commitment and work.

[@johnsonjj117]

@@BurdaBree Thank you for the suggestions. I think she’s more love addicted to that limerant, romantic, can’t stop thinking about someone feeling. We’ve been together 17 years so Ive been trying to tell her that romance for us looks different than an affair and that we have to actually put work into it. She is also just plain selfish and has no problem admitting it. Yeah I can’t live in anxious fear of her cheating again for the rest of my life so if I can’t see a drastic change in her heart I am going to tell her to move out.

[@AngelaAhola]

Thank you Dr. Julie for this wonderful video 🙏🏻

[@bearclaw5115]

"Built on a foundation of honesty" Ummm, why are we building relationship #2 again with this person? Oh, yeah cheating. So... more built on a foundation of dishonestly then. No thanks.

[@betterworld2958]

because cheating is common. Monagamy is a social construct so it makes sense it happens.

[@Lmay1787]

I imagine a relationship can be so much stronger, especially compared to people unwilling to face challenges. I think that’s a problem with a lot of couples. They want a fantasy and expect their person to be perfect and never to come up against really hard things. It’s taboo in our culture to forgive, to have grace, and to grow.

[@lilithowl]

What's a fantasy is the notion of a monogamous relationship, but people still insist on buying into it, and then getting hurt.

[@fruity_mango6539]

Please include hidden pornography use in the explanation of “cheating/betrayal”. It’s literally JUST AS DAMAGING

[@taravance1986]

Agreed

[@alexrcanez]

It's a shame that the so-called therapist ended up accusing me and minimizing the impact of other person's remorseless approach on the matter.

[@Sommyie]

Is there a complete video that's going to be released or just clips?

[@lilithowl]

What do you mean?

[@Sommyie]

@@lilithowl what's confusing?

[@A22208]

How many times can you tell someone you are lonely?

[@melkerner]

How many years must you go without sex and physical affection and still have your partner ignore the needs and essentially friend zone you but insist on monogamy?

[@suchoudh]

​@@melkerner❤

[@Lmay1787]

Let that person go if you can’t be fidelitous.

[@sydoly123]

Maybe you need to say it in a different way. Some ways can't be heard (complain, nagging, criticizing, being needy ,etc), other you are being heard ( express your desire from your heart). "I feel disconnected emotionally, I miss that connection we once had", " I would love to be connected again with one another", "I want our marriage to be passionate, fun and devoted", etc.... (notice no "you " statements). A man that cares about you will listen and hear those statements, a player won't.

[@laurahenry3562]

@@melkernerexactly, people who are writing in have never been married or not married to a covert narcissist,I cheated on my husband because he withheld everything for soo long an used our marriage license as a license to mentally abuse yet was blown away when I got my needs outside our marriage,🤦‍♀️I thought I was saving marriage,he buried his own heart an now has to deal with it ,not me

[@madeitthroughentertainment1658]

Avoiding trouble is better than coming out of one.

[@Lmay1787]

No relationship is without trouble.

[@pinestudios3591]

The issue is that my wife doesn’t want to end her relationship with this other man. She just continually says that she doesn’t know what she wants. It is killing me.

[@x2x538]

I hear you. We need to remember that it's not worth dying for.

[@MissHannah2036]

she wants her cake and eat it, that's what she wants and it's up to you if you are going to live a life like that. So she wants to be married and also have an affair partner.

[@johnmaus4408]

The biggest component is the cheating person needs to want to di this.

[@tevatev7454]

If everyone here would be honest with themselves. The unfortunate hard truth is that everyone eventually cheats, or gets cheated on or both in any long-term relationship. I am convinced that it’s about 95% of majority and there’s a 5% rarity of people who do not give to their temptations. There’s people here right now, talking about just breaking up with the cheater, cutting your losses, letting go I can guarantee it’s the same people who have cheated on their partner or previous relationships or will eventually and take it to their grave unless they get found out. Is actually very common. It’s just uncomfortable for people to be truly honest about. It’s never OK, I’m not excusing or justifying cheating. We all know it’s wrong and it causes significant damages that as much as she’s trying to bring hope there may not be hope for some people because some people process differently and the fact that you betray your lover like that is the worst betrayal you could bring , your partner

[@donnasimmons2241]

I disagree. All people do not cheat. I never have or would not even consider it. I would never take the chance of breaking the heart of someone I love. And more importantly, there is not one human being on earth worth my salvation. Adultery and covetousness are both sins and to do it consciously and habitually would endanger my salvation. Getting to heaven is more precious than any betrayal of my marriage vows. I dont understand why people cheat. Lose everything, Jesus, your self respect, and your marriage for cheating. Are you kidding me? Be a decent adult and control your temptations. We arent spoiled children in a candy shop. Do the right thing and be faithful to the one you made marriage vows with. Its really very simple when you think about it. Be the person you promised them you would be.

[@wm7929]

@@donnasimmons2241 Agreed. That comment was asinine.

[@lilithowl]

If it's that common, it's not likely to be actually wrong. What is wrong is the pretence that it doesn't happen or that it shouldn't happen. We need to grow up and let go of this monogamy fantasy. That's the issue. This pretend expectation that nobody lives up to. Throw it out.

[@lilithowl]

​@@donnasimmons2241this is just a perspective distorted by religion and does not apply to the majority of people on the planet

[@wm7929]

@@lilithowl "Monogomay" isn't the best word to describe the situation, a better word is "honesty" or perhaps "integrity." Broken promises, broken boundaries is at the heart of it, and non-monogamous couples experience cheating too. It's really not the monogamy, it is the broken promise.

[@stephenwatkin18]

A cheater will always be a cheater!

[@aliensarehere4476]

People can change, have you ever lied before?

[@Ahmedabad-Single-Souls]

Today's relationships are unstable. Stay single stay happy. Marriage is a defunct institution.

[@kashifshehzad2328]

Y not leave cheater and be alone or with somebody else? ok therapy is good to know what problems are there in relationship but cheating isnt justifiable even im the presence of relationship issues.

[@ElimEx1]

Because the odds are good that your next partner will cheat again. I believe it's close to 70% of people who experience infidelity. So if the wandering spouse heals themselves, the odds are less.

[@billcarney829]

I think that this calls for a lie detector test, paid for in full by the unfaithful person of course.

[@Duszka]

What about serial cheating?

[@annabanzon313]

What's difference between adultery n infidelity?

[@suchoudh]

❤

[@MissHannah2036]

need to stop giving women all these children because the man seems to get sad and lonely because the wife is always off looking after kids or being pregnant. And not getting the intimacy he craves so goes looking for attention and ego boost elsewhere.

[@dominiknewfolder2196]

I've been very very lonely in marriage. I wasn't "faithful" in strict sense of that word because I've got support from women outside marriage. There wasn't physical affair but my wife became roommate with benefits. After getting rid of her I started to feel much more better 😊 Of course my ex feels "victimized" and tried to provoke any violence to be perceived as victim. I have still good laugh thinking about that 😂. Concerning therapy, fck NO. Sexism in therapeutic environment makes me sick 🤢 Just because I'm man I have to prove that I'm not abuser. Equally for personal and couple therapy. My favorite story is therapist who tried "give me understanding" about my nasty behavior. I behaved like crap and I knew it. Therapist tried to convince me that it "wasn't my fault" 😂 I was disgusted about level of immortality in therapeutic environment and I left therapy. Instead of goodbye I've got from this "understanding" lady comment that "it's because I'm narcissistic" which was clearly insult. 😂 If basic moral judgment is absent in therapy we will have more and more abusive behaviors in relationships. Especially from women who are the majority of clients. Every pathological behavior is "understood" 😂 Thanks, but no thanks.

[@bethanyharrington1747]

Yes, you were a shit bag because if you really loved her you would have made her feel important and then in return… she would have loved every minute with you

[@JT-ph8ud]

Thank goodness you’ve freed your ex wife, it seemed like there was never really respect nor compassion in the relationship. Not sure why you clicked on the video though, seems like you still need time to get over your guilt.

[@dominiknewfolder2196]

@@JT-ph8ud My Dear, If you are assuming my fault you're no different than my therapist, individual and couple therapy. Funny that you were able to judge me without knowing anything. You just assumed that I have to be a problem. Thanks for reinforcing my view that women are in their majority sexist. Usually women learn their lesson when their son is destroyed by his wife. Then and only then empathy kicks in 😄 Not for all though, some of them aren't able to empathize with their son because of "sisterhood".

[@dominiknewfolder2196]

@@JT-ph8ud Good luck with that. I'm not surprised that you're assuming my fault. All my "therapists" did so. One of them had audacity to examine me about anger and rage issues in a front of my wife 😄 I wasn't well then so I missed how nasty it was. It could caused her to lose her license and should. I know it now. If your assumption is wrong please consider that you're participating in abuse. How do you know? Funny that during therapy I looked like a worse human being than my wife. Why? Because I was honest and shared the truth about my bad behaviors. She didn't. So it looked like only I had a problem in deed 😂

[@JT-ph8ud]

@@dominiknewfolder2196 hm, sounds like the therapist’s observation still holds true unfortunately. You’re quite abrasive with how you write about your wife, like you don’t remember when you first fell in love with her. You also tend to blame everyone up until now. I know it’s hard and you may be struggling, but I hope you find the time to heal, let go and be at peace one day.