Understanding How to Manage Anger in Motherhood - Amber Lia & Wendy Speake Part 1

You can manage and overcome the inevitable anger that erupts in motherhood! Jim Daly and John Fuller talk with Amber Lia and Wendy Speake authors of Triggers: Exchanging Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Reactions. You can find their book on our store here: bit.ly/2RQOM0F
Also joining the discussion is Jim’s wife Jean. They discuss why there is an epidemic of angry moms and the most common external and internal triggers for most moms. They discuss how moms can better respond when their children disobey, whine, complain and how to better cope with exhaustion, all the noise, and all the mess through spending time in prayer and scripture.

[@rebeccawalker515]

I watched this video this afternoon and then went out to messy church with 4 of my children (all under 7) After we got home and went to get ready for bed, I was knackered and my two year old started jumping on my bed (as usual) Instead of saying "Please stop" or "I have told you before not to jump on the bed" I said "ah -oh, did you make a mistake jumping on my bed - shall we try that again and go and get your PJs on?" She got straight off the bed and ran to get ready! I was amazed!! Thank you so much for sharing!

[@nonophat]

Wow!🙌

[@ayodari_style]

I needed this. The whining and having to repeat the same thing every single day makes me feel so. Much. Rage. I think I need more time in my Word.

[@noh3ly333]

This 😔

[@Jay-pc2fp]

sounds like you need a stronger prayer life!

[@hopevalencia7875]

Needed this, I’ve been struggling with anger and I see the damage that it’s currently doing. My daughter told me she wished she had a different mommy and I about died and I am determined to get it together.

[@buchi4630]

Sorry to hear but remember she doesn't mean this but loves you really. Well done for being proactive and doing something to better your relationship

[@danavila2391]

This is my situation 😢 I'm ready to change as well ! We got this

[@oliviairmgard7290]

My mother is an angry woman and as a result four of her children are estranged from her. Her mother is also estranged from all her children. I don't want to repeat the cycle and lose my family. I need Jesus.

[@DLeighWifey]

June Irmgard - you might enjoy the book Disciplines of a Godly Family by Barbara Hughes. There are a couple chapters in there about forgiving the sins of our parents that we always carry around with us, and actually physically listing out all the positive legacy details that are worth remembering. I've found it monumentally helpful. I typed up my list of every thing I find myself resenting or blaming my parents for in my upbringing. Then I prayed to forgive those things and also to ask God to help me KEEP forgiving them when I remember them again. Then I typed up a list of all the positive character qualities or ideas or skills my parents passed on. And i praised God for those, purposed to talk to my kids about THOSE parts of their family legacy, and also shared that second list with my parents to thank them. It was a very heart-changing exercise

[@parentingbeyondbehaviours6382]

You won’t you have already started just by recognizing the cycle praise Jesus

[@starladear234]

Amen

[@chelseabarker2250]

Amen! Highly recommend Nicholeen Pecks channel on here and her calm parenting course! It has worked wonders on my anger! The Anger Trap is also a great book to add to your shelf.

[@pashancedavis]

Amen

[@jessicaaye3738]

Exactly what I needed. Been struggling as a single stressed out mother. 😢

[@SuperMomof2]

I am right there! 🙏💯

[@wombamakuwanashiwaya5879]

i needed this. its tough with toddlers. I have been praying to take it easy as a mum of two boys.

[@melaniemcgee6272]

I am so late but I have two boys (5 and 1). My oldest is a challenge. He is a button pusher and constant with demands. I need to control my anger with him. I really struggle

[@buchi4630]

Thank you for validating me

[@chisanainoris5364]

Same here three boys with two of them in the toddler years.

[@fastpitchmermaid4550]

Grateful for this, 36 weeks pregnant with our second son and really struggling with my 4 year old who i love more than anything. I need the Lord every hour.

[@calebultraaaa5189]

Im a single mom of 6 almost daily I'm tired, angry, overwhelmed, stressed and yelling I feel guilty almost every night now I cry solely because I know I beed to do better as a mom but I dont know how no support.

[@2T17rose]

😢 It's not quite the same but I have all those feelings too. I'm a new mom of a 7 month old and my husband works nights and sleeps most of the day. My baby still wants to breastfeed every 1-2 hours. I'm so tired and get more angry the less sleep I get. Nights are the worst. I've prayed you'll find support. 🫂 I have a little box of verse cards and I've found it helps me not be angry at night if I read one before I go to bed. This was the last one: "Call on Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor Me" Psalm 50:15

[@Mineo5]

You’re not alone

[@Astridio]

Sending you ❤ and hugs. You definitely not alone. Please stay strong.

[@traciratledge1833]

I need to listen to this everyday. 6 kids ages 17g, 17b, 14g, 11b, 10b, 9b. This has been so helpful. I am 52 and have parented 2 grown children and I am an angry Mom these days. I am so buying this book.

[@manalsalah7989]

I have been struggling with these tendencies as my son has a strong will but I now know that I’m not alone… every opportunity is for me to parent… I’m in tears because it’s really hard to be one who has an eternal value on the life of another….I need you Jesus

[@nonophat]

🤗🤗🤗

[@WalkWithFaith7]

Same here 😢Jesus helps us thank you Lord ❤

[@shp8597]

I love that you include the gospel so centrally. It's the key, God's grace.

[@barnhartourfamily9259]

A redo!! ❤. I need these. For me and them. I grew up with the authoritarian response. Need to learn to parent in love.

[@elaineofgod1442]

The most relevant video I’ve ever come across. Being a mother of three boys under 10, all I can say is thank you Jesus, and God bless you all for this.

[@detoxARNP]

Thankkkkk you!!!! I’ve been praying for moms to speak about this!!! I am soooooo sad for all the angry moms and dad out there and their poor kids!!! We all need more love and help and less shame!!!!

[@parentingbeyondbehaviours6382]

We sure do

[@spendleton14]

I’d like to praise God for this video. I’ve been struggling with depression and anger since becoming a new mom. This morning was bad and I saw myself getting angry at dumb little things so much that I started crying. I received a message to look it up and see if someone can offer some word of advice. That someone is always God, but I am SO thankful for this channel and these people for bringing his word to my life. Truly I thank you💕

[@ambercastillo1842]

Me today!!!! 😢 thank you

[@Silver-cl2bd]

I'm a mom of 3, 12 yr old boy, 9 yr old boy and 6 yr old daughter. I love this interview!! God has really done a lot of work in me over the years about how to mother my kids. This is a great resource for me as well. Thanks for posting!

[@viridianavazquez6255]

Feeling guilt right now for a tough day 😢

[@aisamontero8550]

"Try again" I love it!

[@quoteme627]

Thank you for the practical tips, I often forget not to take things personally. Also not to care about what people think or say especially families that one thing I struggle with as a new mom. So thank you 🙏😊

[@SJ-1985]

Listening to this from Sri Lanka 3 years after this video was uploaded and finding it so incredibly relevant. Wow. Thank you for asking the perfect questions and thank you moms for your vulnerability and sincerity. There’s hope! Thank you Jesus 🙌🏾

[@beatricesalome8249]

I’m one of the single moms who was struggling with my 13 years old son in silence, but I thank God and I thank you for this precious program

[@megchilcott]

I'm a single mom, too, and I appreciated this as well! I also was afraid to admit to not knowing why I was so angry.

[@ivygitau4655]

Me too

[@CP-gq5fw]

I am listening to their audiobook, “Triggers” and it is excellent! I listen to it over and over again in my car! I like that the authors pray at the end of each chapter.

[@cherisecervantes3766]

Thanks for this! Just got the book!!!

[@tanw.5149]

I am so happy to learn this tool right now. Do not take it personal, my value and self worth is not in mommying, but my relationship with Christ. I believe I have received such criticism especially about my kid and how I parent her I have turned to not mothering in a Christ like ways. ... When she does what she does it's her job. She's inviting me to parent her. Love thisssss

[@bakerbrewz]

Wow this was so well said! I love the real life language examples especially because in the heat of the moment those ‘canned responses’ are SO SO key! 🔑

[@lorettaayatode3234]

What a timely word from Jehovah!!!! I am touched how he cares about his people ☺️ inspired to go to higher places in his love 😘

[@EStrongFitness]

Thank you for this! I've felt so overwhelmed by anger in parenting. I'm grateful this is being talked about! Guilt and shame you have to leave! It's amazing what healing and fellowship can come from simply being honest and open about our struggles. Thank you for being the voice to this and leading other moms into encouragement!

[@PaigeSquared]

As a kid, I didn't think about my parents' "doing wrong." I think a lot of parents don't realize that kids view them as superheroes or infallible; if kids are being treated as if they are not valuable, they will believe they are not valuable. I turned all of my mother's negative reactions on myself, and took her avoidant attachment style personally. Sure I was "easy to parent" for a decent set of years; the anxiety and depression from the "behaving" (self suppression) caused mental health issues as I aged. Kids DO NOT blame parents while they are young, and even though it feels that way in the moment, kids ultimately blame themselves for most of the negative interactions they have with their caregivers. The symptoms of self shame are more severe if the parents do not: admit to making mistakes, include kids in discussion of difficult topics/family challenges and decision making, follow up after incidents, apologize, and model basic conflict resolution themselves. I think a lot of parents aren't emotionally available to their kids, even when they want to be. The redo is a great way to reframe "bad" behavior in the home and shift the kid's focus and goals. I have to admit what made a larger difference in my life- compassionately allowing a redo for MYSELF! As soon as I catch myself, I tell my toddler I want a redo, that this isn't how I want to conduct myself. Then I fully act out a redo, from the start, paying attention to tone, language/phrasing, body language, eye contact/level, location, background noise. Calling it out and actually *physically doing the redo,* instead of a quick apology then isolating & beating myself up for it afterwards, allowed me to actually start doing better on a regular basis. The practice of the preferred behavior helps the brain create neural pathways so that the next time the situation occurs, the path is at least there as an option. Shaming ourselves without practicing how we would like to behave (with the other person present) doesn't help create the better option for us to utilize when we need it. Choosing our preferred response won't be automatic until we choose that path over and over, and allow the old path to become overgrown, eventually it can become counterintuitive to react in anger. I often felt serious shame about how I handled my toddler's more adventurous behaviors. Now that we both have the ability for a "redo," I find myself more proactively interacting with him in a respectful way. There is less yelling from both sides. I'm hoping to create an environment where mistakes aren't just accepted, they're expected and normalized and handled compassionately. Mistakes don't make us less worthy of love.

[@deleneedworthy9288]

Thank you for your beautiful and inspiring message!

[@maritrnning5357]

I so understand everything that you said here!

[@katherinerutecki8956]

I love this!!

[@ehtishamshah3485]

Thank you for saying this love. Mistakes don't make us less worthy of love.

[@shirlenedindi4714]

Thank you so much for this

[@ashleyelaine1670]

I totally needed this as a mom of 3 kiddos 4 and under

[@ivelissebouet9563]

Wow! They’re just entertaining about what you’re doing wrong. Wow! That kept me thinking. So grateful to hear this message. Thanks for sharing. 🤩

[@jessicacarlson347]

There are some great tips here. I specifically liked to be proactive and that we might have trained our kids to only respond when we yell 😬 but the thing I can’t get past is the “try again”. That worked well when my daughter was younger but as she’s getting older it works less and less. She more often than not chooses to continue whining or repeat the behavior. So what is the next step when “try again” doesn’t work?

[@sheesegamerz2434]

I am STRUGGLING right now.

[@parentingbeyondbehaviours6382]

You will get through the struggle there is hope and help just stay the course

[@chelseabarker2250]

Check out Nicholeen peck and her self government and calm parenting techniques. It's been helping me so much!

[@haleyy.9324]

Such a liberating message, just in knowing I’m not alone also. Thank you for your transparency and encouragement! 🙏🏽

[@jamielynnrogers]

I’m thankful for this video!!! FINALLY one I can relate to & such a relief knowing I’m not alone!

[@parentingbeyondbehaviours6382]

God’s Word can be very practical in my parenting 🙏

[@user-ts7he2pk7e]

So I spoke too soon! Thank you for your approach! It’s great to know that the teacher feels that they are still learning too! ❤

[@malissasiwik8599]

Needed this in my life! Thanks so much!

[@Jackie-wf7mr]

I have 3 boys, 7, 4, 9 mo. And 1 girl, 2 years old. Hard but in Jesus can be done.

[@JesusLovesYouSoMuch1]

I have 3 boys and 1 girl too! Stay strong momma, we should be friends ❤️🙏

[@dlynch1898]

What a blessing Jim to meet and know your beautiful wife. TFS I love Focus on the Family. ❤❤❤❤❤

[@MelanieSuggs]

yes thank you !! needed this so badly this morning ♥️

[@amberschneider880]

This has been so helpful. Thank you so much!! The Holy Spirit brought this to me at a much needed time ❤.

[@MaryBearBoo]

Thank you so much for this!

[@victoriacharles9950]

Prayer is the greatest therapy we can do and speaking in tongues has been scientifically proven to alter our minds ❤ Phillipians 4:8

[@finilayika8778]

How can I join this group a mum of two in Cameroon

[@mariaturpin8827]

Thank you for being so real and so honest. ❤️

[@InthestudiowLevi]

I love this ❤️

[@TheOriginalKilamanjaro]

Wow really needed to hear this. Im angry. Guilty feeling all the time.

[@Mineo5]

This is conversation is so necessary! Thank you for talking about this

[@gloglo28]

i needed this thank you

[@niecyh2313]

Thank you I needed to hear this.

[@ekrynda]

Thank you, first time learner

[@enosyodermattieyoder4298]

Thanks for sharing! It's encouraging and life giving

[@anitasgarcia77]

Thank you for this 😢

[@nonophat]

I need this, I am so aware of how I am reacting to my 4yr old... not happy with it and I really want to change this.

[@magdaladmarttino9552]

17:80 that’s me 😅, I’m glad he asked that question ❤

[@hollyal2483]

The most important truth and greatest take-away of this msg is from Jean:’s example and wisdom: [important to spend the first part of the day with Jesus] See 1st Jean listensand keeps listening. And stated parents need not taking personally when children are defiant and disobedient… when they don’t respect us… then naturally the focus is on us or them. Value and self worth from Jesus.

[@darlenebauman5955]

This is such a blessing to listen too I as a mom believe way to many lies

[@laurenrussell1229]

What is the Facebook group that was mentioned for Moms with anger and yelling?

[@priusa8113]

La ilaha ila Allah ❤

[@danniwinter1000]

Thank you for this! My husband and I have benifited from this discussion. What is the name of the face book group you mentioned?

[@BIBLE-a-s-m-r]

I think like my grandfather I show anger through sighs and just walking into another room and closing the door behind me…

[@mommalion7028]

I got busted cussin at my kids in the garden today. I wasn’t even really mad at them I was mad the lawn mower wasn’t starting. 😢😅

[@yumicrisostomo3094]

This must be hsppening all over the world where moms, even single moms

[@jgslnc33]

Wish I'd have heard this 25 yrs ago. 🙄😐

[@tanw.5149]

9:10 suchhh a beautiful moment led me to searching for more support. I love my daughter so much and really care more about her emotional and mental health. I don't want to be my mom at all

[@yapoie]

Wow! 6:12 on !! WOW!!!

[@tanw.5149]

Reacting vs responding in a biblical way.

[@amishadowbanned6264]

Manage? GET RID OF IT!

[@mordiciagoldsmuggler]

What’s the title of the book?

[@sarahs7751]

Could hormonal problems be part of the problem? Irritability

[@jennyor867]

What happens when you place the bucket by the door, give instructions, and shift the blame to the shoes and the situation persist?

[@yumicrisostomo3094]

Everyone says kids misbehave especially becausr of thr mom

[@MissTaesTalesForToddlers]

What is the name of that fb group?

[@PatrioticMisty]

I’m a girl mom (5 girls from 8 months to 14 years) lol

[@tanw.5149]

19:43

[@smokyquartz5817]

Parents make having kids sound like the worst thing in the world.

[@kathywilliams2466]

Why doesn't John fuller get to talk

[@fastpitchmermaid4550]

Whats the name of her fb page?

[@VictoriaSowell-qz4tr]

Wait 7 boys together same house???

[@maritrnning5357]

-very talkative host... Im more interested in what the ladies have to say...🤔

[@kathymyers7279]

True. Let's GET FREAKING REAL "LADIES". Christianity is the worst at this. God isnt requiring phoniness JUST HONESTY. "Biblical blah blah blah. So freaking phoney". We are PEOPLE. NOT CHRISTIANS. PEOPLE. let's get connected with OUR CREATOR IN A RIGHT WAY. This polite bull is so annoying.

[@Scrumptious7]

You sound anger.

[@chelseabarker2250]

Angry people decide exploding on others is "honest."

[@luismarquez4143]

Amber sounds so manipulative,, she externalizes her struggles, that isn't honest, clasicc person deflecting... stoo being religious, be practical drop your concepts, Christ is life.. learn how to enjoy the Lord.. your kids will be blessed,

[@luismarquez4143]

In other video amber said that our kids aren't the reflection of us...

[@bygraceonly182]

Luis Marquez lol. Don’t we wish that was true 😂

[@lorettaayatode3234]

What a timely word from Jehovah!!!! I am touched how he cares about his people ☺️ inspired to go to higher places in his love 😘

[@candyluna2929]

That's not God's name. It doesn't mean I am that I am.