Understanding Shame vs. Guilt

Excerpt from This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #495 | Trauma Expert Tim Fletcher
Full Episode: • Trauma Expert Tim Flet...
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[@mitchthemetalhead2589]

“Dad’s mad cuz he’s a Lion’s fan”. 😂 Theo can’t help but be hilarious, even in serious conversations. Such a great dude.

[@seankiesling2054]

Which made me go wide eyed when he said it cause I'm dad was a huge grump/angry alcoholic who was a die hard lions fan

[@leoverran311]

Dads got a point though

[@AttainTheGrain]

Literally my childhood. Detroit raising ain't for the weak.

[@dianem.99]

"Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future. ~ Fulton Oursler

[@lavenderkisses9461]

Shame is a b*tch. Took me until 40 before I had the thought…what if there was nothing actually wrong with me…what if it’s not me🤯 You CAN heal from this. I used bulimia to numb myself from shame for 27 years (tried over 20 therapists) and healed the shame and have zero struggles with bulimia and other issues- It took years of rewiring all the lies I believed about myself (like coming out of a cult) used meditation to train my body to accept feeling good, and emotional reprocessing to release trapped emotion, but I’m free! It IS possible to live in peace.❤

[@myzyagssc]

I'm 60 stopped smoking cigarettes after 40 years. Want to only smoke weed occasionally. Don't drink or anything else

[@KillaMCful]

Theo is the most human star on this planet

[@Jax.Scorpio]

Cringe

[@AreYouAfraidoftheLight]

@@Jax.ScorpioTheo is the most human planet on this star.

[@kevinyountrevzupak8686]

Well...absolutely untrue, by the widest margin...but, he is an alright dude, some...especially when he isn't taking his wigger all the way to 10.

[@ssab9063]

Humman*

[@A62trappy]

@@Jax.Scorpiochild

[@MistaUanteik420]

What I love about getting older is that things like shame and guilt usually disappear because you learn about forgiving yourself and others. Self awareness is key and some achieve this at a younger age which is amazing.

[@bettyc.parker-young1437]

At 64, Amen!

[@springpoarch1455]

I'm not sure guilt is ever supposed to disappear...but a life shame free would be freeing...

[@royfr8136]

What if someone just continue to be a pain?

[@mac9069]

whats the best way of forgiving yourself

[@MistaUanteik420]

@@mac9069 Depends on the context but just know that your actions until now, whatever it was, just means that it wasn't your fault... You just didn't know any better... It is all a part of growing up and becoming an adult. Your life until now has been shaped by your environment. What you said, did, or thought of in the past doesn't matter anymore. We live and we learn not to repeat the same mistakes. And in doing so, we forgive ourselves. Learn to live in the present, stop worrying about the past or the future. Forgiveness is key to feeling good.

[@bettyc.parker-young1437]

My daughter needs to hear this. I love her so much, she's been through so much at 39. I stand with her no matter what. People need love and support even when they falter. We are human, we all have faltered. ❤ This was wonderful. Thank you.

[@BorisBidjanSaberi11]

You sound like a great parent. We all fail, but we all do not learn how to forgive ourselves.

[@Taylive892]

One thing I learned that could be helpful to share is my shame never pushes me to better myself or change my behaviors. In fact it can be so damaging that it makes my behaviors even worse. No purpose or place for it. Of course easier said than done. Guilt causes me to take accountability and try to “make it right” if possible or at least not do whatever I did again.

[@Motorhead264]

Youre a great mum

[@miamor1212]

Love that Theo is highlighting psychology and healing for his audience and self. Great episodes. 🙏🏼

[@iamrrspike7132]

It took me 30 yrs as an adult to realize that the things I was thinking were wrong. Which changed me but it changed my approach to parenting our now 9yo. I reduced about 99% of my anger and it’s the 1% that I am working even harder on than the 99% that probably logic alone helped remove. My incredible wife and I had a big discussion on her perception of me and why have I gotten soft on our son. I haven’t gotten softer because our rules are still the same but my approach to breaking of rules has brought my son and I relationship much closer. Whatever I do in my actions and words are going to be copied by my son and I personally want our son to be an approachable, respectful, understanding, firm valued, logical man someday. So we have many small discussions on amazing subjects for any reason. There’s nothing untouchable because if he’s thinking it then we should be able to discuss it. Understanding any guilt that he may feel should be discussed so that he and we can work through it. Being a Dad that’s very approachable for my son has made me a better dad everyday. I’m not perfect but I’m still striving to be a perfect dad and I have a long ways to go yet.

[@tendiesoffmyplate9085]

Truth telling always leads to victory.

[@MAJALIJU]

damn this hit like a mack truck - seeing this breakdown helps a lot

[@bettyc.parker-young1437]

😎👍

[@JenniferPollock-Mason-xs8se]

💯❤️‍🔥‼️Shame = I am bad (no solution/hopeless). Guilt = I did something wrong (fixable/hope-giving). Tim’s message/delivery is PERFECT! Your dialogue is a force of nature! Huge opportunity to reach ppl who need healing!👊🏼👊🏾👊🏻👊🏿

[@kittenlang8641]

This topic has been on my mind SOLID for two weeks. Theo covers the hard and tricky stuff for sure ❤❤❤

[@ImSimplyAHuman]

Ahhh! I love Tim fletcher! A national treasure.. Theo too!

[@Vincisomething]

Makes sense. Being ashamed for some people can mean sorry they were caught or how it affects their image more than what they did.

[@The_Not_So_Great_Cornholio]

Those are called narcissists and their minds are already inhuman.

[@Vincisomething]

@@The_Not_So_Great_Cornholio It's not that simple in regards to people with narcissistic tendencies or have NPD, but I knew a few nasty narcissists

[@bryceoleski5680]

So enlightening. My ex had a tough childhood, her fear of abandonment was triggered in our relationship it caused very destructive behavior.

[@lewisgann280]

My brother in Christ take it from an older dude, do not let her back in your life. No foul against her, but that’s a fucking ocean of problems nobody is equipped to deal with.

[@Runemaster293]

Thank you and in addition to the places that trigger etc. , for me, are filling the crappy word removal with over 900 possible up-lifting thoughts toward My Self. It is a game of hide-n-seek because the inner child is disrespected and the body keeps track revealing discomfort.

[@fringbabyross4718]

This is really awesome! I’m a mental health professional and am currently two years into my PhD in clinical psychology. This really helps me personally right now. Im going through a breakup with a woman who’s childhood trauma has now been activated. We just hit the 6 month mark. Her reactions triggered my shame and my reactions. I’ve been responding to this the way you suggested in this video. It really helps to have this understanding and skills. What’s going on with her right now isn’t my fault. This info is really going to be helpful with a few of my clients right now as well. I will say that DBT skills help the spiral. Great video ! Thanks much

[@johnnyappleseed4133]

Great video came to me at a time when i needed it

[@imabeardsley9280]

If only everyone had a Theo in their life.

[@imabeardsley9280]

Humorous and intelligent mixed all together. I love him❤

[@mariangrgas8002]

Powerful. Thank you #TheoVon and Tim Fletcher. This should be taught in schools

[@QUINTtastic]

I’m so grateful when Theo has these more serious guests on. Theo’s funny as hell but his genuine vulnerability and interest is great.

[@romananderson6326]

I’m learning about myself. Thanks gentlemen!

[@cg5471]

There are recitivism studies on shame vs guilt. Those with shame are much more likely to reoffend. "I do bad things cause I'm worthless" compared to guilt who is "I feel bad for doing something stupid cause I know I'm a good person."

[@sarazink2237]

I think a lot of my shame came from a way i developed as a kid to comfort myself. My dad was a bit emotionally closed off. Even tho he was present at home, he wasn’t the kind of dad that I could cuddle with or talk to much. I never got the positive attention and so I’ve looked for it in men further adding to the shame when I don’t get it in the right way. This video helps me learn to recognize and understand it better. Thanks!

[@sheilawagner2963]

I admire Theo, for being so vulnerable. Love how the doctor explains this🫶

[@karenlowther9961]

Theo...you are a wonderful person. Thank you for all of your insight and truth telling

[@ATRTAP]

A powerful, simplistic conversation about shame.

[@TexasBayouDogs]

Hey Theo I appreciate what you do man i needed to hear this. Gang Gang Baby!!

[@bubba10051]

This conversation hit home 😢

[@HeartFeltGesture]

Shame and guilt is initially subtly passed on from parent to child, depending on how self-aware the parent may be. When someone has started to understand the psychological dynamic of their family system from which they grew up in, depending on how the general mood of your household was, or controlled, scary, frustrating, and confusing, Narcissistic parents instill guilt and shame into their children on purpose, primarily as a way to offload their own feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing on a selected scapegoat child, but also as a means of emotional manipulation and control over the entire family system. The narcissistic parent shames and guilts their child for having wants and needs, essentially an ongoing guilt trip, merely for existing. This then creates "Existential Guilt", which doesnt require explanation. Even shame for insisting on your sovereign rights as an individual, your personal development will be ignored, invalidated, and undermined, and they will insist on treating you in a way that fits more with their negative narrative that they must keep going in order to uphold the illusion of their superiority over you. A conscious person who has begun to make sense of their confusing and traumatic upbringing, will start to develop the ability whereby inherited bad behaviors are identified and acknowledged to be the case and are actively transcended. The usually unconscious behavior is transformed, by slowing things down, identifying the tendency for a particular response and not indulging in its usual dramas. Merely witness it pass. The more this conscious process is repeated, the behavior loses its grip and subsides, then dissipates. To what degree do we just run on auto-pilot and react without initial self-reflection? Are we just an unconscious pattern, pre-programmed with trauma responses from our vulnerable formative years? To heal, we have the ability to stand apart from ourselves, or what we call our self, can be inspected. Most important is to learn to apply the empathy you have so much of for others, and apply it to yourself, and heal your relationship with yourself, which you were taught to abandon by your controlling, narcissistic parent. Self-love, self-acceptance is the antidote for guilt and shame. Its not an easy road, because the core shame is imprinted from such a young age.

[@cowgrrl]

This is the most insightful thing I’ve heard on this podcast so far. Ty Tim fletcher

[@athleticamee6485]

Wow… yup. Pennies dropping,light bulbs flickering. Deep and clear. Thank you for this video. Look forward to others. Peace

[@Peacelove1981]

thank you,Theo

[@Taylive892]

This video needs to be seen by many many people❤️

[@wallywan4er60]

Best explanation for shame I’ve heard. Thank you

[@jessicaf6358]

To whom it helps, there is also "toxic guilt" (if we're adding "toxic" to things that are "destructive") AND there are also other feelings similar to "shame" and "guilt" that we don't have words for and/or it's a combination of words we either DO have and/or a combo of words we do AND don't have (this is coming from doing personal work with Dr. Flint's "A Theory and Treatment of Your Personality" and a modality around it).

[@nickinskeep]

Wow this clip could not have come up at a better time for me. Very grateful for both of these dudes and this honest conversation

[@zaneray122229]

“If someone pulls up with a train full of drugs I’m getting on Tim.” That had me busting a gut in the middle of what is a beautiful conversation. Keep on being you Theo you are awesome brother!

[@amandaburgess2051]

This helped me so much ❤ thank you Theo and Tim

[@adamdrakestudio]

Well, I need to to watch the whole episode.

[@Wendy-rt5em]

I love Theo honestly he is just being human

[@jellyjams7217]

If the group of people you want to be apart of in middle school don’t accept you cause you’re weird or weak, that causes shame that is not based on a lie. You just weren’t genetically fit to be with those people, or your early childhood made you behave in a way that was unacceptable to the group. Either way if you don’t belong with certain people and you feel shame for that, it’s not really based on a lie but rather the harsh truths of life

[@Horsegirl2024]

Basically the guilt reinforces the shame you already feel deep within.

[@iloveyoumoorehomestead]

Check out the Map of Consciousness by David Hawkins. He shows the way to transcend these lower levels of Consciousness like guilt and shame. After growing up in organized religion, Ive struggled with guilt and shame most of my life. Drugs and alcohol was the only way I knew how to make those feelings go away. Hawkins work and the fellowship have set this one FREE 😊

[@michaelmitchell5458]

Really good stuff…Thank you!

[@Monopoly55]

This helped

[@Sean-os2pe]

In the movie with Anthony Hopkins. The helicopter crashes in the wilderness with Alec Baldwin. Who's trying to kill him I think. And they are lost in the wilderness and tired and sitting and Anthony Hopkins says" do you know what the number one reason that men die from? He says they die from shame they die from shame."

[@benf1111]

Somebody here might've been in the same boat as me with therapy. I tried therapy off and on for many years and just gave up. I assumed the problem was me and not that I didnt have the right therapist...finding a good therapist is like dating. You've got to try them out. There's many different personalities, skill levels, and modalities. Just because the first doesn't work out, keep going. Don't be affraid to leave a situation that isn't working.

[@Michelle.A79]

Geez it’s hard to be a human being.

[@garyoxford7372]

Super enlightening! Thank you!

[@Craig332]

I pursued revenge on a cheater ex, only to realize after that my resentment for them still hadn't gone away. Turns out it was shame I was truly feeling because that person convinced ME to lower MY personal value in my mind.

[@sufiheart]

Those lies we tell ourself i find often cause us to displace our dissatisfaction on others, and treat them in a manor that looks like gaslighting, but its not intentional, so not true gaslighting. Though still harmful, i suspect true gaslighting isnt as common as people seem to think it is

[@4363HASHMI]

An person whom can feel both shame an guilt over something they weren't addicted too are simply just nasty

[@thereforeayam]

Loving the brain stuff. Thanks! ✨

[@thadrifter_]

Theo Von is a damn angel

[@smallbutmightymma6171]

Jeez this is eye opening

[@luckylouie2]

SHAME,.....Its starts with learning what's good and bad, and being told no!

[@pnwmax]

Great talk here! Also, Celsius sponsored with all the cans in the foreground and background 😂

[@anniebee5029]

It’s really possible Theo!!! 💗💗💗

[@The_Not_So_Great_Cornholio]

Intuitively one might not think an episode of Theo Von's podcast would be profound, but here we are.

[@dannimaree2322]

Thank you, Very helpful

[@user-uh5tb9er4o]

thank you

[@Vincisomething]

3:09 "can we talk" me trying to remember what I could've done wrong

[@theauntofdragons]

It is possible to stol crying so often?

[@laellgreen]

Maybe it’s coz I have cptsd, I just relate to Theo. He says the things I know I would say if I could just be myself

[@VeDubs25]

My dad is a lions fan. It tracks

[@flabbergast270]

I swear if Theo wasn't a talented comedian he'd be me

[@tammymyer5347]

Children need stability.

[@darioconstain]

Where is this man’s office? I have to move to that city

[@Austin-rv9ut]

i related pretty good to this one

[@lawriephillipasequeira8592]

Head to Marisa Peers she is a brilliant women look her up .

[@koi2293]

8:28 what if this is happening every 15 minutes I catch every single one but it’s exhausting

[@Usernametouse]

Dam this is pretty dialled in

[@TauricornA]

Shame people who do bad things. Or is that a no?

[@Psyche_MMA]

Love 🤍

[@SarahPerine]

🙌🏽💚💪🏽

[@marciestoddard730]

Healthy shane is different than healthy guilt.

[@mikekoenig6467]

There is no such thing as healthy shame..not in my life anyway

[@HarrisonTheGrey]

Very Christian concepts here. Guilt is good. Shame is not.

[@lavenderkisses9461]

I’m confused-are you saying guilt and shame are Christian concepts?

[@HarrisonTheGrey]

​@@lavenderkisses9461 no just that Christianity teaches pretty much the same things about guilt and shame that this guy's saying. 2 Corinthians 7:10: "Godly sorrow (appropriate guilt) brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death." God removes our shame. “I will change their shame into praise and renown in all the earth” (Zeph 3:19). Both Paul and Peter quote Isaiah 28:16: “Whoever believes in him will not be put to shame” (Romans 10:11; 1 Peter 2:6). Christ replaces our shame with honor."

[@itsthatwutangguy.9370]

wu tang

[@JoyfulJenn]

Shameless in the comments.

[@AyshKing]

You can be guilty and not ashamed. His name's Jesus 😂😮😂

[@funkyfreshEazyO]

Jesus dispises shame. Its from the devil

[@Thatsbannanas-d8c]

I ❤Tim Fletcher.

[@luckylouie2]

Guilt is inside.....Shame is outside

[@marciestoddard730]

Oh hunny no. Shame is very much inside. Very much.

[@luckylouie2]

@@marciestoddard730 Where does your shame come from? You gotta feel guilty first