Unpacking the Statement: If You Loved Me You Would Have Never Cheated on Me

Today Samuel shares the truth behind the statement: if you loved me you would have never cheated on me.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.

[@775simplyme]

I get upset with my kids but I wouldn't adopt a set of kids to abandon my own...

[@smode983]

Hmmm, your reply caught my attention because we have the same first name and leaves me with some thoughts to chew on. At first, you're reply left me feeling like "High 5! Nailed it! Perfect point." I'm 2.5 years out from D-day 1, of many, when I began finding out my entire 16 year relationship and marriage was a lie. Multiple one or two night stands with easy targets, the women no one else ever gave any attention to, so acted like he was the greatest. Anywho, that's the short version. After mentally high fiving you my brain kept rolling as it does to torture me and complicate every thought. I started thinking about all of the times over the years that I looked for ways to help kids in need via charity. How I had taken in two teenagers who were friends of our kids because they were homeless. I treated those kids like they were my own. My two step-daughters are treated like they are my own. How many of the kids' friends over the years have called me "Mom" who I treated as if they were my own. I did it for them, but it also made me feel great to get happy feedback and good vibes, I liked how it made me feel. It never meant I didn't love my children. It gives me something to chew on I guess. It at least allows me a sliver of understanding in a messed up way. Then my brain snaps back to remind me that I also never risked my childrens' health though did I? As his actions did mine. Or lied to them, hid things from them, gas lighted them. Then there is the fact that love between partners and love between parents and children is different I suppose. Just random rambling thoughts as I try still to sort this mess out.

[@mengyuanzhao8519]

I said the same thing to my partner after I discovers his affair.

[@againstthegrain5962]

@@smode983 you sound like an overthinker like me. This is the worst thing I’ve ever been through . And my mind is killing me

[@tinaj9621]

Exactly

[@sandywinn8569]

Maybe they do, maybe they don't...but if you cheat and you DO love them, you do not love them ENOUGH. You do not love them enough to put their heart and your marriage where it belongs. You love yourself and your selfish desires MORE than your spouse or marriage. :'(

[@CaToRi-]

Sandy Winn - totally agree. Ancient greeks has different words to fraternal love, parental love and romantic love. They were totally sure that these are different kinds of love. English language is extremely simple in that matter. When a person cheats, switch the romantic love from the spouse to the lover. That’s why, no matter how the unfaithful hide it, the spouse can sense something is not ok.

[@heydatorres1563]

You are so right about that .They cheat cause they don't love you enough to destroy a marriage then say I'm sorry come on were you sorry when you were doing it...or sorry you got caught.

[@AB-sr3jd]

Well said !

[@randomthoughts5336]

True

[@mrchevy73]

Well said,I feel the same way, if they truly love you,they wouldn't be out looking for love

[@amandareed4424]

You loved me but you didn’t love me enough not to do it

[@jefflep1]

They didn’t love themselves enough...

[@jaxsonjohnson1644]

Felt!

[@lorrainelegg-coleman811]

This…

[@sandrakling4865]

When I asked my husband if he loved me when he was cheating, his response was that he loved the feeling he was getting from the attention more. If he is that weak, and doesn't address his problems, there is no way it will change. Someone can love you with all of their feelings and all of their heart, but not love you with their actions.

[@lynettegarduno5152]

Sandra- thats my beef with my spouse. I can not keep hoping on a person that keeps does the same thing over and over again, but says he loves me. Im a fool that is comprising my standards for my , hopefully soon to be, ex-husband.

[@daniellamoreno3616]

Good word.

[@lesliemontagne6797]

Sandra, I really liked your response. Because my husband told the AP he "loved" her. Now, years and years later he said he became "addicted" to the "rush" (which we know are brain chemicals that can be as addictive as opium). So yes, plenty of weakness, but now we also are dealing with "addiction". The failure to be straightforward with the betrayed, the DECISION to deliberately deliver this kind of damaging, often debilitating trauma is cruelty, not love.

[@jmcrjc6799]

@@lesliemontagne6797 See that's what I told my unfaithful wife what a cruel act to go out have an affair that Sexually and Emotionally driven..Says she wanted her lover and me at the same time or says she wanted both..Either way I am crushed in my spirit over this whole situation.I Don't understand how a person can go so far away from the commitment and marriage that we vowed in front of 70+ people at her church that she grew up in..I feel like such a Dumbass or a Jackass to say the least for staying in this marriage i am stuck in questioning God why ??? I even prayed in the past for both of us to be faithful to one another..I made multiple calls to the 700 club & New life ministries also because of her past I kept a secret of hers for over years about her past then what do I get for it end except for 💩 on and lied to and disrespected in the end this time..

[@user-ex3mx7hk4l]

Love is unselfish. Affairs are driven by pure selfishness. It’s ALL about HIM getting what HE wants- to h*ll with the family, the wife and children. To me a cheater wants the stability of having a Wife & the picture of an in tact family while being self serving and stabbing her in the back to serve his greediness. He has WANTS he is satisfying. We NEED water, food and shelter. We don’t NEED validation or sex to survive. Call it what it is - pure selfishness, greed and the most unloving thing a spouse can do to another short of killing them. It’s a risk taking a cheater back because the one thing they have proven is THEY always come first. You feel like his ‘I love you’ statements are lies - it’s more of a placeholder to keep you where you are. He still wants you there to prop him up but the ‘loving’ feelings have been LONG gone and are difficult if not impossible to bring back. There comes a point in time where you think the whole thing may not be worth saving after all.

[@styles2155]

I've been asked out many times from good looking men. But the first person I thought of was my husband that I truly loved. I said no I'm very happily married. So don't say that u don't think of ur spouse bc I did. It's either in u to cheat or not. Little did I know that while I was being faithful my husband was cheating. Cheating is not ok. Idc what problems ur having, u talk it out bc cheating not only destroys ur marriage it destroys u. 💯

[@ladylove34]

Same here. Was faithful the whole time, never confided in other men, etc. Came to find out he cheated most of our marriage

[@eventhere2788]

Absolutely true. I told the man who had been hitting on me these past few months that I was married and asked him to stop because while it was flattering after 25 years of marriage to have this attention from another, I could not conceive of hurting my husband by being unfaithful. Yes I was terribly hurt by my husband's unfaithfulness 20 years ago but I would not dream of hurting him by inflicting this same pain and anguish he caused me to endure and undergo by being unfaithful. Not to mention, I could not live with myself if I were to abandon my faith, my morals, my character, my integrity, my real life.

[@melissap2957]

Isn't this the truth. We think because we are committed and faithful, our partner will be. 3rd relationship and same result. Sam is right, you can get another partner but there's no guarantee they will not stray, even when you have amazing sex a lot.

[@user-ex3mx7hk4l]

@@eventhere2788👏👏👏

[@user-ex3mx7hk4l]

@@melissap2957Although the very definition of Adultery clearly includes sex, I don’t think that is the primary motivation in most cases. Usually these so-called ‘relationships’ build slowly over time before the act is committed & the attention they are getting is a major factor. I have heard many cheaters say it was the validation (compliments) that fed their low self esteem as the primary reason for getting caught up in it. To make matters worse, then the chemical surge in the brain due to the newness of it all makes them think they are ‘falling in love.’ Conveniently, a Cheater likely has NO memory of how they felt exactly like that about their Wife once upon a time.

[@terintiaflavius3349]

The truth is that no the cheater did not love you while cheating. To say otherwise is not true. That is not saying that the cheater doesn't get that love back but it is definitely buried during the affair. I know this man claims to be an expert but i completely disagree with his statement. He has now turned his affair, his wife's greatest pain into a business. She literally is reminded of it all day long

[@eatonc422]

I really just don't believe that you can inflict this kind of pain on someone that you love. My husband has had 3 affair partners, D day for the last one was 13 months ago. I didn't know about the first one until after I knew about the 3rd one. The 2nd and 3rd affairs were full emotional and physical relationships. There is NO WAY I will ever believe that he loved me and was able to do this. We are working through recovery very intensely, which we didn't do after the 2nd affair even though we made changes after that affair. But this is an area that I struggle very much with. It doesn't make sense to me and I just get very angry when he says that he loved me the entire time. Having an affair is not loving your spouse. It is worse than death and the greatest pain I have ever suffered at the hands of someone who "loved" me.

[@WillBlindYouWithLight]

I know exactly what you mean. I don't get why waste any one else's life with just lying to them. Makes me feel like an idiot.

[@allisonanderson7755]

Hiya. I'm in the same boat as you. I see your post was quite a while ago now... I would love to be able to talk with you about this. I feel very alone staying in the marriage.

[@blackaj69]

@@allisonanderson7755 I am two months in to knowing of my wifes affair and I know what you mean about feeling alone in the marriage.

[@Sharon-777]

Seriously I'm confused as to why you are still with him 3 affairs no thanks time to let go

[@sarahalderman3126]

Yeah I am approaching the end of the first year since I learned about the latest affair. But infidelity has been occurring since the beginning of our marriage, 21 years. I have gotten to the point where it makes me sick when he says he “loved me” the whole time, that he never stopped loving me, etc. Essentially if he could do that to someone he loves… what good is his love anyway?

[@filipposa212]

Unfortunately this is wrong, even if it would be nice, if it were true... If you really love someone, cheating on them is such a repulsive thought, that you'd simply never do it. We can sugarcoat it and try to dance around it and rationalize, but I prefer to keep it plain and simple...

[@secretsquirrel9601]

Having an affair is a little worse than being unkind. How does love humiliate? How does love destroy a sense of self worth? How can you love and alter someone for life? Does love cause years of intrusive thoughts? Does love rob someone of the ability to smile and enjoy recreational activities for months or even years? There is a lot of good info on this site. But it seems like it shows a little too much coddling for the unfaithful.

[@brandy4522]

Love is not , nor does it cause those things you mentioned. No one acts out of love 100% of the time. You can love and still act or do something unloving. I understand you feelings and point, but I dont think this is coddling the unfaithful. I think it's more of an Insight for why sometimes good people do bad things. Which can give some understanding, and peace in what is for most people a very confusing time that ones brain is overwhelmed. If the spouse(s) continue to act in unloving ways towards each other, then maybe it's time to truly access if love is even present with either.

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

I think that love could still exist but it's completely dormant when the person is cheating. This is how they're able to pull it off. If the love was felt they'd be too terrified to cheat. @@brandy4522

[@veronicalagor4771]

Yeah...when you have hard days with your kids, you don't suddenly find a different set of kids to claim as your own. The inability to find a fitting analogy says volumes. It's minimizing the action.

[@melissap2957]

I agree

[@roneldreyer1688]

I did not hear Samuel before, but becoming irritated, angry, annoyed at your kids is NOT the same thing as entering into a carefully planned heinous sin against the person you promised to love. Jesus is our Saviour, but he also says: "do not be deceived.." Note in the comments, it is mostly the cheaters that find this message helpful, while the betrayed spouses are hurting. I hope his wife is ok with how he 'enjoyed' the affair as he explained in a reply a couple comments back.

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

Yes, I think the more accurate video would be that the unfaithful partner did stop loving their partner. It may not be that they never did or that they don't love them now, but during the affair, it's safe to say, they weren't loving their partner. Usually the love is replaced by nauseating guilt or shame and some rage. Usually the loving feelings are replaced with some apathy or excuses as to why the affair is acceptable. He should go into that.

[@leahpalladino9381]

I agree

[@melodykubiak5850]

A further thought: An "unloving" act is snapping at their spouse or being unreasonably angry or difficult. An affair isn't just unloving toward their spouse, it is VIOLATING their spouse by breaking their marriage vows, which are usually a solemn promise before God. The end result of an affair is CRUELTY toward their spouse, not just unloving. An affair cruelly rips the spouse's whole world apart. An unloving act can usually be settled with an apology, an affair can't.

[@eventhere2788]

very accurate description and your provide better definition.

[@Freeasabird699]

you are spot on!

[@snowqtee]

It’s okay not to act loving towards each other,but when you have sex or make love or make- out with another person while you’re married Is way different than just not be loving towards each other..

[@Sailendranath_Thakur]

Exactly.

[@jasminehall4300]

My question is if the unfaithful spouse really does love you, but they are still capable of desiring and choosing to engage in an affair, then how can them loving you ever mean anything again? If my husband loved me during his affair, and claims to still love me now, why should I put faith in that love - and how do I know he will not fall prey to it again while still “loving” me ?

[@samshealingpodcast]

it takes time and recovery work to help you see how safe or unsafe they are. there are no guarantees...however, doing recovery work and doing whatever it takes as long as it takes, can create immense healing. just because he loved you doesn't mean he was healthy or that he is healthy now. it requires work and time for the medicine of repair work to actually work and heal what's broken inside of him. if you come from faith it's not about trusting him right now but trusting God with him and trusting God with the future.

[@johnmagee3292]

@@samshealingpodcast This is the exact answer! God can do what man can not!

[@kayrogers3668]

Exactly. If that's you "loving" me, then no thank you. You know the saying, with friends like that, who needs enemies.

[@mrchevy73]

Been there same feeling's here

[@mmontiel8335]

So in other words are you saying that if I feel angry I can cheat ? But yet it was a bad moment and still love my husband???

[@yvettemcduffie1435]

Hi Sam I am having trouble with intrusive thoughts. I’m praying daily I’m listening to worship but it’s so debilitating. I feel like I’m chronically sick after finding out my husband cheated. It’s like everything is different now. I wake up and nothing feels the same anymore. I feel sad , depressed and I can’t shake it no matter what I’m doing it’s hard. I have Faith God will do a good work , but I’m just hurting so much all the time. I can’t shake the fact that my husband drove all the way to this persons house and didn’t once have a thought of what he was about to do as a “believer “. It just hurts. I hate this feeling. Plus the person is the complete opposite of who I am or even look like and I just have never felt attractive to my husband. He is trying but I sometimes I feel hopeless because the one thing I tried to keep him from doing and tried to help him from not falling into. He fell and now I have nothing left to protect from him so it feels like I have nothing left 😢 like he did it. So why should I keep going ? Why should I keep loving him when all I wanted he gave to someone else so quickly. A total stranger. I’m just hurt, the only thing keeping me sane is God. 😢

[@lalapom4313]

Sorry I dont agree with you. I will not be patronized. Love is a choice and when you cheat you are choosing not to love that person. You dont even love yourself at that point. Now can you work on self love and loving your spouse, I think so. True love is being shown by the betrayed spouse who chooses to forgive and grab on to hope. Its through them that the unfaithful spouse learns what love looks and feels like. If you are an unfaithful spouse do not equate cheating to love. That mindset destroys you and your marriage

[@aidandure5614]

For me its all about disrespect.

[@skrewdreyever]

Yeahhhh sorry, but No. Being unkind and being imperfect is a FAR cry from the choices that they CHOSE to make to choose somebody else.

[@adoseofreality8287]

Love? Perhaps, but not as much as they love themselves.

[@stephenkarla7113]

What he put me through shut me down. I look like the crazy one to our children. My body shut down I couldn't walk was bed ridden for a year. Every muscle in my body hurt. I was not physically able to be the mother I wanted to be for our children. I don't compare the love of my husband to the love of my kids. There's many scriptures on loving your wife as yourself. The healing process is still going on ten years later because I chose to forgive him. I chose to keep his wrong doing from my children. I took on all the hurt in the bedroom closet on my knees praying. The stress on myself from him physically hurt. Fourteen doctors later I got a diagnosis. Myofascial muscle disorder. It doesn't matter that I suffer in every way possible as long as he loved me? Still says he loves me? At least he got to feel no pain.

[@carnivoreRon]

This statement by the betrayed comes from a place of hurt and pain. I disagree with the comparison of treating children and adultery as the same thing. With the adultery, how many steps are taken to betray, lie and deceived the betrayed. Do parents plan to treat a child badly? No. That is the big difference. There is usually planning to carry on an affair or use a situation to commit adultery. It is the actions that show if a person loves or nor. It lis not just words. I never cheated on my wife, yet she cheated on me. I decided not to cheat because I loved her. It is a choice.

[@melissap2957]

I totally agree with you. The analogy is wrong. Like you said, it is a planned out choice to cheat and they knew what they were doing. Makes me sick everyday everyday to think my husband was intimate with another woman, even if it was supposedly only once. I'd never even think of talking to another man in that way, let alone cheat with him.

[@rachaelmae2790]

I needed this today. Ive been struggling with the "If you actually loved me, you never would have done this." However, I never looked at it as him doing something UNLOVING despite still loving me as a person. I never looked at all the unloving things I have done to him over the years all while still having unwavering love for him. I guess we all choose different ways to be unloving, some just hurt more than others.

[@samshealingpodcast]

thanks so much for sharing Rachael. so glad it helped you. it's a journey my friend, one day at a time.

[@heatherpersson4291]

This is only true some of the time. Sometimes adultery IS a sign they don’t love you. Sometimes it is mental abuse.

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

True. And if you were to really get in their heads they would admit to no longer being in love with their partner. I've seen this many times. They have a type of love for their partner, but they know they aren't in love. They often don't admit this to the partner, however.

[@sunve4240]

I don’t know if I can still love my Husband 😭😭😭 it so painful 😖 my trust and respect for him was already gone 😭😭😭😖😖😖

[@randomthoughts5336]

Same here

[@randomthoughts5336]

So sorry this happened to u

[@denisships2861]

The love the lifestyle and stability the spouse provides but they also love the excitement and thrill of the affaire.

[@e.c.c.s7040]

I have watched several videos of yous in helping me deal with the after effects of d day, but this video makes me want to not continue.

[@melodykubiak5850]

To clarify: Commenting on this part of a response you made: "also, mature love doesn't need the 'in love' fantasy type thinking/teaching that love always feels great and is easy." I agree. Mature love is not a fantasy of feeling great and it being easy all the time. It is recognizing that problems must be solved within the marriage while being in love with each other, putting the other person first and loving them as we love ourselves. It is not selfish. Affairs are selfish. Mature being in love with someone isn't being happy all the time. It is loyal and concentrated on the one we're in love with. It is working out our difficulties because we're in love with them. My husband and I have been faithfully married for 44 years. We've had ups and downs. We went to counseling to work out the problems. Ours is not the floaty kind of being in love as it was at first, of course. Our in love feelings have not waned, but grown deeper. Even after all these years we can't wait to see each other when he gets home from work. Being in love is exclusive and cannot be shared with others. Loving two people is different than being in love with both of them. "You have my whole heart" and "You have my whole heart too" does not work.

[@ttrainor70]

i got this same phrase, but reversed: "i must not have loved you since i cheated on you" like it was some kind of revelation to her

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

This is a very common thought for unfaithful partners, but they often don't share it.

[@styles2155]

I agree to some point but I've been married for 15yrs and my husband said that he was faithful almost a yr of 15yrs. So that alone tells me that not only was he a narcissist, but that he didn't love me enough to stop. He also said that he was losing love for me while he was cheating. I literally hate him for what he's put me through and bc of it all I have severe PTSD now! Pretty much emotional rape. I could never trust him again. What we had in the beginning was wonderful, but bc of what he's done it will never be that way ever again. It's gone...

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

It's ok to let it go too. You don't have to let all ideas of love go because one person decided to destroy the meaning.

[@abaile7]

Maybe it's not that he didn't love me. Maybe it's that I love him more than he loves me. He continues in the cycle of failure, while I choose love every time we get to that crossroads. He didn't love me enough to choose love in the cycle of failure. I loved him enough not to do this to him when times were really hard for us. But he didn't love me enough. He loved himself more. I don't know how I can ever be okay with that. You can't unscramble scrambled eggs, ya know. You can't say "I love you" after having an affair and expect me to believe you. How does God love us all so much after seeing the horrible things we do to each other and ourselves? Why is it so hard to love him in spite of his affair? How do I know God isn't setting me up for more pain? The worst part of all of this is that this experience has shaken my soul and my faith... and yet I've never felt closer to God before now.

[@samshealingpodcast]

all good points my friend.....it's time plus hard work that will show you the way through. there are no guarantees in life unfortunately, so at some level it's seeing if he will do recovery work to help you feel safe. it's seeing what his demeanor and heart are like as you move forward. here is an article on trust that can help explain more: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust

[@nikkiallen1500]

Heartfelt truth

[@melodykubiak5850]

It is not God who sets you up for pain, it is Satan. God is there to help you and heal you when you fail or are hurt.

[@jacqueslandry1876]

My husband did much more than have an affair. He stole every penny I saved my whole life, destroyed my credit and put me 100's of thousands in debt (all spent on her) and left me dying in a hospital alone to be with her. How do I tell myself he still loved me? He never did anything for me like he did for her.

[@adahaydeeliriano4279]

Jacques Landry hebrews 13:4 “Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” I am sorry to hear what your husband did to you. I don’t know what you”re going through but God does and He knows your pain. You are not alone, and I hope God completely restore your life and your broken heart. I pray and hope God heals your heart, body and soul. This crisis doesn’t define you but God does. You are love and you are worth it. In Jesus’s name Amen.

[@cassieandchloe1]

I'm so sorry you went through that. I hope you're healing

[@sarahalderman3126]

I’m so sorry, I feel I am in a similar situation. Though not quite as awful. My prayers are with you and hope that you feel loved and cared for as you make this journey.❤️

[@user-ex3mx7hk4l]

He has done horrific things & it’s clear to me that some day his true colors will show. This other woman is going to have one heck of a rude awakening when she sees who he REALLY is.

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

This sounds like abuse. NOT LOVE. These videos assume that the unfaithful partners aren't abusers. Which, many unfaithful people are in fact.

[@CaToRi-]

Sorry, I love your videos but today I have to disagree. A few months ago I read a column from someone who was a “professional cheater”. It was easy to cheat... then, he felt REALLY in love and discovered that just the thought of someone else touching him felt gross and disgusting. Then he realized that he was NEVER truly in love before and now was the first time. When someone cheats, at least, is halfway to fall out of love. Is this knowledge that makes me feel so uncomfortable while I’m trying to repair my relationship, because I feel stupid giving a second chance to someone that really doesn’t love me the way a man should love a wife.

[@samshealingpodcast]

thank you for your comment. totally respect your opinion and other side of the coin. however, just because one person ie professional cheater acts out that way or believes that way, does not mean that countless others who have been unfaithful feel that way or think that way. that's one scenario and not the universal truth. it may have been that way for that person or that situation, but that's not the total truth, or collective truth for those that cheat. for some, sure. for most, not at all. that column may have been true for them, but not for many of us. nonetheless, thanks for watching and commenting.

[@CaToRi-]

Overcoming Infidelity - sorry, but it is impossible to be in love with person A and then be ok to be touched by person B. If another person touches you in a sexual way and you don’t feel uncomfortable, you are not really in love anymore. You maybe love that person, but are not “in love”. Agree to disagree

[@umiluv]

J 2004 - I’ve noticed that, generally, women have affairs for different reasons than men do. I had an emotional exit affair a few years ago because I thought the marriage was over (couple of deal breaker issues and I was convinced my husband didn’t care about me). My husband had a physical affair recently because he didn’t think I had any time for him because I was taking care of our 1 year old son. For me, I was looking to potentially end our marriage. For my husband, that was not what he wanted. In that way, I think it’s hard for women to understand how a spouse could still love their spouse and cheat on them because for women, an affair = end of relationship/love. Honestly, I actually continue to struggle with the difference in how my husband and I had our respective affairs because of this. Thankfully, my husband is very reassuring about his love for me when I ask him about it. It’s know it’s hard. And just because you have the knowledge, it doesn’t necessarily mean your heart understands it. It’s a daily struggle but when you start focusing on what your spouse is doing now to show you their love, it helps a lot with healing.

[@CaToRi-]

umiluv - thanks for your comment because you provide 2 points of view from the same situation. From my personal experience and others’ experience that I know, I concluded that, at least, during the period of the affair, the cheating husband is not in love with the wife. If he later fall in love again with the wife, that’s another story. I had many chances to be unfaithful but I never did it. During the affair, my husband ignored me, and didn’t care about my safety and health. The fruits of love are not disregarding and negligence. As I mentioned in other comment, when someone is in love, he/she will feel disgusted if someone else touches him/her in a sensual/improper way, if not, is like the Check Engine light flashing in your dashboard.

[@WillBlindYouWithLight]

@@CaToRi- mine didn't neither he gave me something that she had and I never on my life would do that to myself let alone another person

[@deanarjones9114]

It’s about not having respect or loyalty. Important parts of love but not the whole of love. So you can have love for them but not the kind that keeps you faithful

[@armandogutierrezii6905]

I love your videos. And point taken. But. You seem to imply here that finding someone who won't cheat is some sort of fairy tale about perfection. Some of us just don't cheat. Ever. But that is in no way stating that one is a perfect spouse. There are plenty of other struggles in marriage. In no way does that mean everybody cheats.

[@del7802]

How can someone love another when they betray them and inflict the worst of torments, which lasts for years?

[@chrismorrissey29]

My wife cheated on me and she never loved me, no one that isn’t blood has ever loved me

[@123PhoebeC]

Oh gosh. "No one that isn't blood has ever loved me". That made my heart cinch. It's such a hard truth.. but it's true for me too. The only people I have felt real love from is my parents, siblings and children. I've been used by the only person I had a relationship with. Completely used and discarded. I hate that I loved him. I don't now, but I wish I never did. It was always a one way street and I lost a decade of my life before I realised that.

[@elijahmeza2479]

I feel that way too right now... 4 weeks after D-Day

[@19katsandcounting]

I certainly don’t love him as much as I used to before he cheated, so it’s hard to believe he loved me as much.

[@bonniehay]

The cheaters may feel they love their spouses in spite of their actions but the betrayed feels incredibly unloved. There's a huge gap between the two ways of looking at love. How do you move forward together when something as foundational to a marriage as love is looked at so differently by the two? Also when the cheater is convinced that he loved his wife (or vice versa) all the time he was cheating he doesn't feel the need to examine what love really means to him. Maybe he felt loving but people do all kinds of terrible things and still claim to love the other. But love is in the action, as well as the words. I think the cheater has to do some really deep thinking about what love really means and then work towards becoming that. It would go a lot farther than saying 'but honest, I really did love you the whole time".

[@umiluv]

Bonnie Hay - well said. My unfaithful spouse says that he thinks he understand love better now. That he didn’t know what love meant before. That he thought love was a certain level but that now he realizes it’s so much more than he thought. It’s still hard though. Everyday I deal with feeling unlovable even though he tells me he loves me everyday. Sigh... this is so hard. =(

[@lianhathaway1974]

TRUE! VERY TRUE INDEED!!!, heart-mind congruence. The Unhealthy perspective of unfaithful towards relationship cannot be trusted in determining what real love is.

[@terrywade3696]

Well said, Bonnie! I wish I could give you multiple thumbs up! I cannot understand how betrayal conveys love. Therefore, I have to question what the definition of love is for the betrayer.

[@cheryltenorio8728]

@@umiluv how was it after 2 years?

[@donmart1082]

Why wife always told me I wasn't helping her emotionally.. we fought and i didn't care about her feelings.. she hurt me i hurt her back.. i was always right..I realize that after I found out she was cheating for months.. I'm conflicted with guilt of causing hurt to my wife enough for her to find happiness elsewhere..the lying and cheating she did for months hurts so bad.. ugh..

[@AL_FARID_23]

Well said I feel the same way, same boat

[@jonathanstansell8511]

Same boat

[@pamelaferguson9642]

But how do you reconcile that with long term affairs? I could see that with one night stands, but...

[@gingermarshall314]

I agree. I could understand him meeting someone he was attacked to & getting "carried away", but choosing time & time again to meet up with her is just unfathomable & definitely NOT an act of love toward me.

[@Starsofneon]

Love is not selfish So........ What is more selfish than an affair ?

[@alchemyofshape]

Sorry but I don't go to the grocery store, to buy food, bring it home, prepare a meal, set the table, eating the meal but do not tell the kids and do not feed them for the rest of the day... I might have been not the perfect parent but I always took care off the basics. Not engaging in unfaithful behaviour is a basic to me.... It is my moral code. No matter how unloved I felt at times... Knowingly engaging in several affairs goes beyond the occasional not being so nice or not so loving to the one you share your life with.... It is the utmost form of disrespect and therefore unloving thing to do. Even if I felt not so loving anymore I still would not engage in an affair as, besides murder, that to me is the lowest act a person can do to someone you have made a commitment to

[@janeallgood9833]

this is being simplistic. there's different rules for different relationships. if you love your kids, can you kick them out of your house at 12? that's like saying you love your mother, but never visit her in the home you shoved her in. your definition of love is just different than mine. love is actions, not a word you throw around and deceive yourself into proclaiming. lol, and i love how you say that so many people have affairs that finding one who doesn't is unlikely XD and so many people do it that they can't *all* not love their victim. God wanted me to stay with my abuser, for some reason. plus, i had kids, so i was kinda stuck.

[@VanessaSimon26]

Or if your spouse actually loved you they will uphold their vows of emotional and sexual commitment. You starve a husband or wife of love and sexual healthy actions and then they cheat get entangled with someone who showed them real love even for a short time. Intimacy anorexia and cheating changes so much. I hope we can recover. So much pain, depression. I want to got through the right process. I need to heal. For 18 years he starved me. I need to heal my heart is broken. Help me.

[@Cardinal15]

I would die for my “kids”. You can find another husband, you can’t replace your kids.

[@joseluisgarzam]

Maybe your wife should give you some insight on how it is to be on the other side of the spectrum. Then you would be the leading expert in this subject.....

[@saundracohen4032]

👏👏👏

[@melissap2957]

I disagree with this analogy, cheating is planned out, pre meditated, i dont think a parent wakes up and thinks, tomorrow I'm going to be unloving to my child.

[@Jendan7576]

But he SAID he didn’t love me. Said he wished he met her 25 years earlier, which would have erased not just the marriage but all our children too. He was hardly loving during the marriage. How am I ever to believe that he loves me now or that he ever did when all his actions speak different? How can you say you loved Samantha? Did you say you loved her during the affair? I just don’t understand. I’m trying to understand with your child examples, but being mean to your kid on a bad day is so different than abandoning your child, which is what an affair is. Abandoning a child, walking out.. just the thought hurts my heart so much I could never do it. Because I love them . But he walked out, 11 days, abandoned me and our children. Help me understand how you can say you loved her?

[@samshealingpodcast]

i loved her and did say i loved her and will always say i loved her. every situation is different and for him to say he didn't love you and for him to say the things he's said, it's concerning. just because i did, doesn't mean he does or that he's even thinking clearly right now Jenny. it appears he's lashing out and making statements in anger which no one can really sift through as he's not showing he's safe to listen to or be around. to think what you would do in that situation is tough to actually make work because he wasn't (and maybe still isn't) in his right mind. if he's making statements like that, he's not showing love at all.

[@jimenaverdaguer5858]

I have been captivated by your videos. I find you always ponder both sides of every story, and don't fall prey to flippant or overused conclusions. Your observations are mature and strive to help all those who need to be understood, and not simply condemned. Thank you.

[@lesliemontagne6797]

Sorry, Samuel. I just can't get that "love plane" to fly. Nope. Other languages do better explaining different types of love. But even those other tongues don't have a word that describes "love with cruelty"...because I don't believe love exists in the heart with intentional cruelty. How can one love their spouse while knowingly heaping such cruelty on to their lives?

[@melodykubiak5850]

This is a quote from the video titled How Can I Make it up to My Spouse That I Have Cheated? "Infidelity is not loving your spouse." That's the way I see it. I have gleaned from these videos that the unfaithful has to "demonize" (as such) their spouse to keep them from feeling guilty about the affair, to justify having the affair in their own minds. That's not loving their spouse as well as the AP. As far as I can see, it is loving one and demonizing the other....Also, what about honoring and cherishing their spouse?

[@ladyDesi27]

I really enjoy your videos and would like to see this channel also cater to the couples who not only have to deal with the impact of infidelity, but the impact of an now outside child as well.

[@isaacfamilyvibes8826]

Currently dealing with the same.

[@tinakane4451]

I'm going to completely disagree here...the parent child analogy in my opinion is off, so you treats your kids badly during an instance or yell at them, it doesnt make you a child beater or bad parent. you can be a parent and have off moment with out crossing any thresholds....cheating on your spouse on the other hand crosses all kinds of thresholds, its too easy for the unfaithful spouse to say they loved the betrayed but cheated anyway...sorry I call BS here, there is no way on gods green earth am i cheating on my wife If i love her. If you really love someone you dont do that to them i dont care what your excuse of explanation is. At that moment in time if cheating is occuring while your married, you are being almost narcissistic, you care only about yourself and thats it, the needs of your spouse, family, kids whatever are not thought of, sorry thats not love and its a convenient excuse the unfaithful have told themselves to get over their infidelities quicker. Its easier for cheaters to cheat then it is to go through a messy divorce, alot of cheaters want to stay as a matter of convenience, that doesnt mean they love their spouse it means they are happy with their lifestyle and complancent enough with their relationship to no have to or want to change.

[@Serinity_Bliss]

How could he love us both? ...the whole time he was seeing her he was telling both of us that he loved us

[@melodykubiak5850]

He can't. "I give you my whole heart" and "I give you my whole heart too" doesn't work. Being in love is an entirely exclusive devotion. It may be that the unfaithful doesn't understand what love is.

[@kevinclark887]

Maybe if you were "In Love" with your spouse you wouldn't cheat. I believe There's a difference between loving your spouse and being "in love" with your spouse. Love is such a cruel emotion... just the idea that someone can love you and cheat or love you and take your life is absolute insanity. I honestly think respect is much more vital than love. When a person respects you you may not deal with some of the harsh realities that you'd encounter with someone loving you. A person who loves you and has an affair, will lie to you, hurt you, disrespect you, and chase a fraction of what they deem they are not receiving from you and not have the Decency to have a conversation about what they're feeling. And any sane-rational-logical thinking person will not even care if you love them after you've done this. Guess my question would be... how is being unloving to your kids the same or does it carry the same impact as the trauma after a spouse has had an affair?

[@djcleary-l8q]

I was told, he loved me, but wasn’t in love with me. A week later I found out he had been texting his ex girlfriend from 1996. But they are “just old friends “. He had been on for over 6 months, I know she is still married, living in a different province. He was not someone I expected to cheat. My first husband cheated as well, he is still a cheater. After 23 years, I was shocked, he moved out in January to our cottage we just bought last fall. I have started the separation agreement. He doesn’t want counseling.

[@acidmechanic]

thank you for helping generate some understanding

[@tubailey2459]

It’s a nice thought to say,” my love should keep you faithful.” Sounds nice. But, when some people are in deep pain or addiction, they do crazy things. Human beings are so human. Only God is faithful always. The person who cheats ultimately isn’t thinking clearly if at all. It’s a nice pipe dream to think human love will always be good or pure, or faithful. Love is just as frail and imperfect as we are.

[@shannoncohen1651]

This is the loveliest, most forgiving and grace-filled response. I appreciate that it offers those of us who try to amend and stay in the relationship a feeling that we are not naive but instead recognize we each have our sins if can call them that. It is our humanity that allows us to recognize this and also our love of the other. Thank you

[@hectorrodriguez1730]

Thank you so much for you content.

[@ColinKuan]

How about, "Please, I beg you. Don't cheat on me because it will hurt me." And off he goes, doing exactly what I told him not to do, multiple times and somehow his hurt is more greater than mine. I get victim shamed just for loving someone and my anger is unjustified.

[@Mummabear543]

Totally get you

[@LP-ey7zj]

Love is action, I firmly believe it's not just saying it. It is through action we show our love. I was betrayed by my husband who was deep into porngraphy and frequenting massage parlors and it all blew up and I found out. I didn't know he had a sex addiction. When he tells me he loves me I tell him, "Live your love, in other words don't talk about BE about it." Because word is wind, I don't want to be filled up with empty words and false promises. I told him when I found out I told make changes now or we're done and I don't ever want to hear from you again. He knew what was at stake and still does.

[@PvC63-Jan]

I do like your clips and have learned a lot BUT not this one. It took me a decade to love her again and I am not where I was before. Love is a choice and you make choices that influences your entire time on earth. Unfortunately it influence your spouses life as well

[@lotusmccary9365]

Sometimes there is emotional and/or physical neglect

[@DonutsRus954]

I've never had a problem with your videos before but this one was not sounding right and of sound mind. In esence At that Moment No they do not love you. They havent shown you love in that moment which meant they didnt Love you because thats Not the definition of Love. All you have to do is look at the defination of love and see that at that moment they didnt love you. I cant say I love them if Im not being kind and dishonoring them. Look up any dictionary and you'll see that the actions of theres were anything but loving. so No they didnt love u in that moment and now there shameful and regretful and now relizing that they should have treated you better meaning they hadn't shown you love. If they had truly still loved you when they did that they wouldnt have cheated.

[@Jeradactile]

This was one of the hardest videos to sit through. It shines a light on my own lack of self worth. I believe my wife loves me now, and loved me before. Loved me during the affairs... That's something I have an impossible time believing, right now.

[@samshealingpodcast]

i get it brother....it's a process and it's about walking through this process. i'm proud of you for being brave and walking forward and walking tall despite the trauma you've been faced with. you're a brave man.

[@kylebrown3644]

I would like to make the point that simply because they loved you through their affair(s) should not be the determining factor for taking them back. No one with a sane mind would say any marriage or any person is perfect other than a narcissist. Thats greta the they love(ed) you while doing what they did. However the bigger picture is who are you? Are you someone who will allow this type of deceit? If so and you are the type to move forward from there than great thats you and how you feel. If not that perfectly acceptable as well. No one should be telling you you need to consider their feelings or statements after they have been caught. It can't be argued that when they were cheating that they were considering yours at all. It is very healthy and a needed process in my opinion to understand as much as you can about why they did what they did and actively listen to their perspectives but Im not a believer that just because they say they love and loved you that that should affect YOUR actions and decisions regarding how your going to move forward.

[@Jeradactile]

@@kylebrown3644 I'm sorry you're hurting, Kyle. I hope you find some peace and healing. Thank you for your comment

[@Jeradactile]

@@samshealingpodcast Thank you, Samuel.

[@mrsk7777]

It's easy to say it's more mature to ask how it happened after it already happened. Why doesn't the cheater ask themselves mature questions before the affair? How am I, the betrayed expected to be 'mature' (by definition of a cheater btw) yet the unfaithful wasn't able to desire maturity before they destroyed another person's entire life, reality, self esteem, future???

[@mikepayne1350]

You can suffer through years of crappy marriage or start over. Your choice. The cheater doesn't matter.

[@mrchevy73]

When they KEEP CHEATING and show move love to their lover than they do you, show no remorse, than this saying if they love me than there wouldn't cheated. Well, you talk about one afair but how about many more, either with sex or just texting friends

[@kbelle71]

My husband has actually told me he doesn’t think he ever loved me. Even after 28 years of marriage. So what does that mean?

[@dmcv3389]

They might still love them but they are not in love with you because if they were they would not be able to do some thing that would hurt the person they supposedly love. The problem with affairs is the deception that is what is really the issue. If you truly did love your partner you would be honest and tell them about a lack of fidelity the real heartbreak is in keeping secrets from someone you love there is no excuse for that. That is the part of the issue that there is no getting past and truly does destroy the betrayed in ways that are beyond what a human should have to endure especially when they continue to lie as if your an idiot.

[@melodykubiak5850]

Exactly my point. When you are in love you pour all of yourself into one precious cherished person. That cannot be divided between two people. "You have my whole heart" and "You also have my whole heart" doesn't work. Loving someone and being in love with someone are two different things. We can love many different people and also pets but are not in love with them.

[@l.abruno3108]

I'm going through this now 2 weeks and counting and I told my wife I know she loves me, but for the actions that were taken by her you couldn't be "IN LOVE" which are two different things to unpack.

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

This is sadly most likely the case. Biologically, when you're in love, you aren't even as attracted to other people.

[@imjustme8849]

The message is great. But keep in mind that with all the work, the other party who was hurt has to WANT to continue with you and heal for themselves and the both of you.

[@davetimmer5149]

The cheating spouse might love their spouse, but it's only when they aren't cheating on you.

[@aminnotamen]

my ex heard information about me from friends, and went on to sleep with them and now shes calling me because i know shes so guilty but i really feel like if she was capable of that she never cared about my emotions or anything, knowing i cut those dudes off exactly for her. Any suggestions?

[@arturoolvera2604]

Loving does not make you inmune to doing stupid things.

[@cassieandchloe1]

That's a very good way to put it.

[@mariareiss719]

Thank you, Sam

[@milomazli]

Thank you, Samuel. I would also add another incredibly annoying sentence to the list that we often hear: "well, when someone cheats on someone, thats because there WAS something (wrong) with that partner why the person cheated". And after 1 year of watching your videos, I luckily know the truth: no, hell no. I might have some 'flaws' but no individual aspect IS a "reason" why someone goes off and cheats. Its not like when thing 'A' occurs then there comes an unstoppable force that DRAGS someone in the direction of cheating. Luckily, today I can laugh about this. Back then, I was turturing myself being convinced of that false belief.

[@umiluv]

I hope to get to where you are some day. I’m only 2.5 months after D day so I know it takes time.

[@nonsoup8908]

Do you have a video on what to do if the other party to the affair is the one that tells you about the affair.

[@betrayedinseattle1767]

Yes! Please answer that one! If the AP didn’t get sick of my husbands lies, which is why she told me about their 9 year affair, I know that he never would have. He’s weak! I’m struggling! Help!!!!

[@totallydevastated8153]

I would very much like it if someone could please explain why comments that are not disrespectful, don’t use inappropriate language, or anything like that being deleted? It has made me start to second guess following you. Which would be a shame because I so very much owe this group a debt of gratitude. If someone could please answer me and not just delete this. Please.

[@AffairrecoveryLLC]

Hi, all comments on this channel are reviewed before approved to be visible. You may have some comments pending review as we usually have a substantial amount on Monday mornings. There are a few things other than what you mentioned (i.e. disrespect, inappropriate language, etc.) that could cause a comment to not be approved. Such as the length. If a comment is too long (i.e. over 200 words) it will not be approved as we don't have time to review all of them. Also, if there is any advice giving it will not be approved. We follow the same guidelines we follow in our forums on affairrecovery.com found here- www.affairrecovery.com/forum-rules. We don't have a record of deleted comments and it's possible some get deleted accidently as it only takes one click and it's gone forever. We apologize for any unnecessary stress or confusion and we hope you continue to follow us.

[@samshealingpodcast]

we work hard to make the environment a redemptive one. the producers and staff will edit comments due to reasons posted below. nothing personal, but i only see the ones they approve and it's getting harder to answer them, but i'm doing my best. thank you for watching and posting. please know there's only so much the staff can do. they do their absolute best to create a safe and encouraging environment.

[@CatalinaMtzG]

Thank you

[@hildaspradling5711]

What if you're told that they will never love you after you get back together

[@samshealingpodcast]

that's alarming for sure. if that's the case, I think you should reconsider that restoration is the right thing for you?

[@kathleenosphere]

I’m so glad you guys make these videos and put out these important truths. There are way too many “mottos” out there that really do not help. As the wayward partner.. seeing those things on social media has made it very difficult for me to forgive myself at times. And learning through my own experience I’ve realized I was one of those people who believed and used to spread those mottos. And only now after making a mistake and learning from it... I’ve realized that people are HUMAN. And there’s no fairy tale perfect relationship. Someone can love you so hard and mess up because we’re all broken people.

[@samshealingpodcast]

so glad it has helped you. it's not a popular message but it's true and this is a safe place for you.

[@masterchief4844]

Thank you much needed

[@georgehenry8152]

So, what about the statement, "I love you, but I'm NOT in love with you?" How does this relate to your teaching?

[@samshealingpodcast]

it's a bit of an excuse which says it's OK to cheat which it never is. also, mature love doesn't need the 'in love' fantasy type thinking/teaching that love always feels great and is easy. the unfaithful, when not safe and not healthy, will use any excuse to justify their affair(s).

[@georgehenry8152]

@@samshealingpodcast thank you so much Samuel! As usual your nuggets are right on time!

[@BKP62]

How about spouses who cheat over and over.

[@samshealingpodcast]

several factors can be at play. perhaps they are an addict? they may have much deeper issues that absolutely need to be addressed by a professional or addiction expert.

[@tonynatale2182]

I too have experienced this,while in a long distance relationship.Together for 12 months and also engaged to marry. While on holidays staying at a resort,my gf went for a walk leaving her phone behind.I looked in her phone and discovered many pics with her and different guys.I also discovered a home video of her having sex with a guy.i was so angry not at only that ,but after reading her emails I realised that she was also pregnant,to which I got my answer of her asking me that she wanted a baby.i erupted and went to town on her with such anger.She said she was sorry,I cried constantly for 3days until I went back to my room where I was originally staying.I cut my holidays short and came back home,where I stayed in my room for 2weeks not even bothering about work. After all this she asked me if I would accept her baby,to which I refused.i asked her why she did this,her reply was that she thought I wouldn’t find out!To my knowledge and this is just an estimate she slept with at least 10 guys that I’m aware of,and 1other regular guy that lived not far from her place that she saw on a regular basis

[@benjilucero2001]

I can see your point. As the unfaithful spouse I found the shame and hurt that I would cause when my spouse found out. The painful part for me is that I found myself so love sick for my spouse and I'm the one who cheated. I adore my spouse but let my self vindication get in the way.

[@ggrace1133]

They love them, but they’re no longer in love, and that never happens by just one partner. Both say and do, or do not say and do not do the things that keep each other IN love. It comes on so gradually and insidiously that until they fall in love with someone else, they don’t recognize the low level fruit their marriage has produced for a long time. Everyone is selfish and self-centered at times. Affairs wake us up to reality, and if-as we’ve tried for many years to no avail-to talk about the state of the marriage and our needs, but it falls on defensive, gaslighting, hardened hearts and ears, it’s pretty difficult to resist the wonders of someone who cares, listens, respects, encourages, appreciates, listens, hears, and actually sees.

[@arletbt]

Can I love my spouse one day that is my question????? Because I don't love him anymore. I don't want to be with him but I feel bad for my kids and there stability that they have now what do I do????

[@kylebrown3644]

I have been on my own with my kids for over three months now after discovering my wife had been having an affair for over four years. I went and am still going through all emotions from taking her back to hating her. I believe what you are going through is healthy and needed. If you ignore any emotions from one extreme to the other when it all first goes down would be not honouring the process. I too went from wanting to take her back for the kids and for myself. Now that I have honoured those feelings and been on my own for this time I can start to see that everyone has their own needs and views but for me and the mental health of my three little ones that I can and will do it on my own. It also allowed me to get to a place where I don't love her and never will again but I don't hold any of the hate I started with and that allows me to be more than civil with her and even have her around in my house for visits with the kids. thats what your kids need is two people who don't compete for their kids approval after the divorce, rather two parents who can put their differenced aside and move forward in life in a positive direction. Good luck I know its a painful and seemingly impossible road but time and understanding of their actions and your own self awareness and needs are what's going to make it not only possible but also a positive self growth time in your life. Hang in there and be true to YOURSELF and screw what others are telling you that you need to do!

[@samshealingpodcast]

hi Lisa. you very well can....but, it depends on the work you do obviously. it's very possible to love your spouse again even though right now you may have a large degree of anger, resentment or just plain bitterness. it takes time plus expert care and work, but it can be done I assure you. what recovery work are you doing or both of you doing?

[@sukkischoco1938]

@@samshealingpodcast Samuel, Do you have any help in regards to sleeping with a family member. I slept with my wife's aunt during my affairs. We are now past full disclosure. That information was the last bomb to go off after 2 years of trickle truth. The pain and suffering on every level is intense. I have hurt a lot of people. I don't know what to do.

[@samshealingpodcast]

@@sukkischoco1938 nothing specific to that though i know people who have healed from it. i would get the best help possible as soon as possible and understand there are ripples to this that don't happen in other situations. like the family issues and being ostracized by family etc. would she do the ems weekend with you?

[@azmarigold]

It’s the lack of RESPECT 😢in addition to all the deception behaviors /gaslighting that show lack of empathy in many cheaters that is the first thing that destroys the betrayeds sense of safety. Then they tell you they love both of you 😮😮😮😮💔..

[@EadsB7002]

You’re 100% correct. I love my husband dearly but still acted out. And you’re absolutely right, you never fully understand it until you’ve been through it.

[@LutherPittman]

What he means that Love is God. We can work hard to be God like, but we're not perfect. But i still believe that that should never happen when things aren't good, but i believe that because I'm not a cheater.

[@shirazally6193]

Thanks for unpacking that! How,does one,make the betrayed spouse understand ?

[@samshealingpodcast]

i don't think you can. i think a safe third party can like a course on our site or our virtual ems weekend or counseling. what is your betrayed open to my friend?

[@Speakssoftly12]

At 6:35, only being unkind, not unloving, because you were having a bad moment. A bad moment could only be the case of it was a drunken hookup. All other types of infidelity, require MANY bad moments.

[@joseultreras]

Does the unfaithful spouse feel great when having sex? Is it a different experience then with your monogamous partner?

[@samshealingpodcast]

jose are you talking about sex with the affair partner during an affair? i just want to be sure. if so, it does feel good as it's not supposed to be happening so there's this twisted kind of 'forbidden fruit' kind of thing. but, after it feels terrible. you hate yourself. you want to crawl in a hole often times as you know you shouldn't have done it and you feel as though you're a piece of trash who has issues. that's how i felt anyway. i also felt blackmailed during a season of my affair like i had to be intimate or she, the affair partner, was going to expose me. it was a dark season indeed.

[@kristaritter5851]

Samuel, is there anyway that I can get an email to contact you on a more personal basis. I have a few questions on this exact topic, but I don't want it to be on a public forum? Thank you so very much for all your videos you and your wife are an inspiration for me, and you both help me more than words can describe. I thank God for all your work.

[@samshealingpodcast]

@@kristaritter5851 go head and email [e-mail] and ask them to push it to me.

[@suzee2]

Overcoming Infidelity-Unfortunately, I get that. I ended things but still cannot like myself, trust myself or stop shaming myself. I wish you’d address how to deal with guilt when your partner doesn’t know you cheated. Maybe you can’t address this since it wasn’t your situation, but all this great info about dealing with the betrayed spouse doesn’t help me. I can’t tell him. It would hurt him beyond anything he has ever dealt with and I cannot tell him. So my pain, guilt and misery are my own. My pain is like my punishment. Nobody else knows except a trusted friend, so I suffer alone. I feel I will always be alone now, even in my marriage. (And I was a faithful spouse for 45 years.)

[@harperschannel4432]

Well you may have been not nice to your kids but you didn’t push them to the side and get another child

[@tubailey2459]

You can’t complete someone with your love. Infidelity or sex addiction wakes you up to that truth.

[@justinewithhair9163]

I have a question . What about a spouse cheat the entire relationship I've been with a man for over 14 years and has cheated the whole time what is that called?

[@samshealingpodcast]

he may have an addiction....he may be a narcissist.....there are several concerns and options. what matters most right now is getting the right help to be evaluated and understand what options you have. i'm so sorry for the pain you're in. i know it has to be awful.

[@WillBlindYouWithLight]

That's what I am learning to accept. He changed after we got married. Only option was to put up. Any time i left he always found me somehow.

[@mrchevy73]

Iam with you there

[@TrophyHunterTyler]

My spouse cheated on me on her 30th birthday with sexting. Then two years later, around my birthday she did it again, sexting with another man. Then a few months ago she started an emotional affair with her co-worker who was 13yrs younger. I called her and she lied and said she wasn't with him then said "I love you" then 5mins later led him down a private Street to "kiss him" and 5 mins later I caught them. As I was walking up to them on the corner crossing the street I confronted him and he said to her, "FCK him, I got my knife I don't care if he catches us" and mins later I was there and she said "there he is" and I ran after him and he said, "I'm not who you think I am, I don't know this lady!" I wanted to punch him but we were in front of a police station. Since then, things have been great. I am forgiving her and we're not married yet. I think this was a test

[@blackiegohard]

Thank you Samuel...this is one of those blogs I think that needs to be watched when everything is quiet or somone being unoccupied by things going on around the place. Definately one that feels like it would require full attention too get the message.: )

[@user-gg7ql9de9l]

Who loves and apreciates their wife do not take the risk to loose her over a long term affair, spetially when she is aware of it and is telling and asking crying to stop because it hurts so much and makes her feel you got borred with her...

[@tiffanysanders2597]

Was about when the unfaithful was telling the other person that they loved them?? So confusing for me!!