Unrequited Love SUCKS. Tough Love on How to Get Over It.

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WHO AM I?
Hey there, I’m Cinzia DuBois. I’m a part-time, self-funded PhD student and KZbinr, Podcaster and writer. I’ve been creating videos for over thirteen years. I discuss productivity, personal development, PhD, academia and mental well-being on this channel. On my main channel, I talk about all things dark and ancient history, literature and folklore.

[@K.C-2049]

I think people also enjoy unrequited love just a little bit too much sometimes. it gives them something to obsess over, something to fantasize over, something to dramaticize and add a little flare and pain to their life. we see so much romanticization of this kind of stuff in movies, so when we inflict it on ourselves it feeds our main character syndrome without realizing that it's simply us pedestalizing other people into an image that they'll just never be, with the additional danger of falling so head over heels for that image that we ignore their actual flaws, or any bad treatment of us, and how miserable we're really making ourselves.

[@coolbreeze5683]

💯

[@paulinak.1736]

been there, done that, you totally have a point here. Additionally, it's easier to fixate on what could have been than work to have a normal relationship. Because relations, romantic or not, require some degree of work. Or go through the same process you've been through, believing that the result will be better this time. It may require admitting to ourselves that we are just ordinary people and this was a completely usual situation that happened a million times before. Maybe that is why it was so hard to move on for me,

[@Theomite]

The fantasy is better than the reality. The fantasy has been filtered of nettlesome complicating details that happen in real life that ruin things. But the fantasy remains perfectly clean and purified, and while it does serve the same dangerous role as an addictive substance, it does the same job: marinate your brain in lovely, lovely dopamine that gives you a reason to wake up in the morning.

[@Andrew-ys9vb]

Basically a drug addiction

[@cledosliop4175]

True

[@Nalber3]

"They didn't love you, that's all there is, it's no deeper than that" We just love drama, don't we?

[@user-qt3dg3qn6x]

No we do not.

[@pimpon2671]

I think that we create drama in these situations because it is our emotions speaking louder, because we actually care about the other person, I think that is okay to make healthy drama, but the important part is just to get over it. Getting over or just accepting the truth can be really hard, but It is really helps you on future relationships a lot.

[@christiansnaturestudio6599]

A lot of us don't have time for drama

[@Nalber3]

@@user-qt3dg3qn6x we must accept it, nothing wrong with that. Only then we can stop clinging to it so tightly.

[@Nalber3]

@@christiansnaturestudio6599 yet, we still love it

[@MetroidJr1220]

The problem is when they did love you back at one point, the feeling they had has since died off, but yours remains.

[@EchelonPandora]

He said he didn't want to talk to me anymore, felt used and played with. I had to break all contact for this reason....he never reached out...well of course.

[@stellameii]

wow. Perfectly said.

[@barzdinstone3831]

The hot cold hot cold brutality is the worst.

[@Rye_Toast]

So true. We were inseparable for several years, I even met his family and his grandmother bought me presents on major holidays and then suddenly... nothing. He actually tried to convince me that we were never more than friends and when he said that I was like okay, whatever man. Years later (like 15 years later, he weighed on my heart for that long) the person he dumped me for (who I was actually friends with and she was innocent in this so I remained distant but friendly with her) reached out to reconnect and she filled me in on how he held me up as some sort of shadow over their relationship. I was the one he always spoke about and how insecure she had been comparing herself to me and that he never presented me to her as "just friends." What the what? Good riddance. He eventually lost her, too, with his BS. That conversation with her was so cathartic. I'm in a healthy long term relationship and I'm still in touch with him but that spell is completely broken, he is a sad, lonely middle aged man who has nothing.

[@paulinak.1736]

Yep, it's painfull as hell. I know my ex had feelings for me, it was obvious, declared even. But those feelings were based on the belief that we completed each other and we are so similar that there won't be major differences between us. Which, needless to say, was wrong. But his sense of security was built on that. I knew there were differences between us, we had several in-depth conversations about it because I knew we had to sort things out eventually. Nothing very drastic, mostly I wanted to move in eventually, he woudl rather to live together apart. I'm sure we'd find some compromise. But he felt it only once we had our first argument. Nothing big or important, I would have forgotten about it easily. The day before he said he can meet my parents and asked if I need any new furniture at his place. He said he loved me. But for him, the argument was the evidence that the differences between us are drastic and we can't sort it out. So instead of having a normal convesation with me, he distanced himself, then withdrew his emotional engagement and very soon I was no longer important to him. We had a conversation to clear it out, but when I was focusing on the areas to compromise, he was still talking about differences. I thought it will work. He was still declaring feelings, and if you care for each other, you can at least try to make it work, right? But then he stopped even to talk to me, without a warning, untill after 2 weeks, I had no choice but to break up with him. Even then, he claimed he still has feelings for me which I doubt, but we just couldn't work together. He wanted to remain in contact, but very soon dropped even that. It was a month ago, and the relationship only lasted few months, but I'm still not over him, not even close, and he moved on even before we broke up.

[@Rrashestone]

I think the most painful part of this experience is that cognitively you understand that nothing will come of such a relationship but because emotions are not very easy to control, a cycle of limerence begins. Which makes you feel really pathetic. Then queue the feeling of low self worth.

[@huckster955]

"its YOU who's hurting you the most". WOW I really needed to hear that. Thank you, Cinzia :)

[@SelfHelpShelf]

You're so welcome!

[@MartaZobeniak]

I'm 38, short unattractive, with Turner's syndrome. I've had my share of crushes, but nobody would ever fall for me, nobody would ever ask me out. I've been called a toad, a rotten orange, "not even a woman". Some of us just don't deserve one coffee date, one kiss, one "I really like you" in their life. I certainly am destined to be single.

[@TheSwayzeTrain]

It sounds like you were dealt a very tough hand in life. Of course you deserve that coffee date, that kiss the 'I really like you'. I sincerely hope you find someone one day and that all changes for you.

[@aimennasir1103]

heyyy you don't need to feel that way about yourself!! you must definitely would have your own joys and unique qualities that make you YOU. you are certainly not destined to be single, but the time you have with yourself, love it, enjoy it, cherish it. listen to that song you love listening to, eat your favorite meal, watch the sunset!! when you fall in love with yourself, the right person will soon come in your life too :) best wishes my friend 💗

[@NoFishCanSwim]

So true. I’m in my 60’s now…I’ve been noticed and unnoticed, I’ve been rejected and accepted, valued and unvalued, loved and unloved…it’s the positive side of that dynamic that matters. Those positive people are out there. Treat the negative experiences as learning points. Every negative experience is a chance to learn and to grow. Really.

[@jeremysmith4620]

I used to not have any problems in my love life, the average unrequited love like anyone else, some failures, some successes, but now as a middle aged man (I somehow slipped into my 40's according to my driver's license, but it may be trying to trick me) I can't even endure the pains of unrequited love because I just don't meet anyone. I'm really turned off by dating apps because it feels like a meat market where I am immediately devalued due to disability and while it should be easier to find someone with similar interests and outlooks, I have found just the opposite. Since you mentioned your age I wanted to ask, if I may, did you date post 40ish years of age? What was your experience if so?

[@jeremysmith4620]

@@prussiansocietyofamerica Are you ok? I think what you said is more than a little concerning, especially given the topic being discussed. It just seems a good bit out of place considering the discussion and context. Learning from negative experiences is hard coded into human nature, it is why a child will usually only touch a hot stove once. It is not only present in humans, but in other animals as well; they learn to avoid negative and painful stimuli from experience. If that wasn't the case complex life might not even exist. I also really worry when anyone describes others as "NPCs." Life isn't a game and this is a frequent tactic used to devalue other lives, reduce their meaning, and decrease their value to less than human, which can allow for extremely dangerous ideologies and uncharacteristic actions to manifest. Everyone's inner private life is just as in-depth and meaningful as yours and discounting the experience of other people to that of subhuman, by thinking or referring to them as NPCs, is extremely detrimental to forming interpersonal relationships and not becoming further isolated. Often it can be social isolation that can cause these types of harmful ideas to be embraced in the first place. I'm not saying any of this to be mean. I don't intend at all whatsoever to make you feel bad or induce any feelings of shame. There was just something about what you said and its phrasing that were really concerning. I do hope you are doing well and in a good place. If not, perhaps think about reaching out to a local professional or consider contacting NAMI, which is a great resource in the US. You can text "HelpLine" to 62640 to get connected to resources. I hope you are well and have a great evening.

[@eliannaten3979]

Thank you for this

[@NoFishCanSwim]

@@jeremysmith4620 I have never really done the “dating” thing, just waited till I met someone organically. Consequently I’ve been single for most of my life and that never really bothered me. I’ve never tried apps. I did meet someone in my mid 40s (through work) and we saw each other for 2 years or so. It didn’t work out in the end but was a positive experience, we are still friends. I met my wife in my early 50s (through a shared hobby) which was the greatest stroke of luck :)

[@Godfailedyoustophumpinghisleg]

The good people all have other people. It's just selfish to want anyone to pay attention to you or acknowledge you. You deserve no love, if it happens great. But speaking as one of those out there who has not been on the receiving end of love for a longer period than maybe a year or 2, people's affections are temporal and no tie brings loyalty. Your family will scorn you, then the rest of the world, and then thankfully and great fully you get to finally die. Born into hands that passed me off until I was able to walk then im supposed to do everything on my own. I do everything on my own have no need for anyone else but this gnawing hole inside me from having to pay someone if I want a conversation or a hug. Legalize euthenasia, I've seen the deal offered in this world and death is far kinder a fate. Ready to die, truly begging for it.

[@zombierepublican]

That first story is wild. NEVER be friends with people you have a crush on. You’re just giving yourself pain for no reason .

[@Bruh-Moment435]

I think an exception would be if you're capable of getting over it. When I moved into my college dorm a few years ago I became part of a large friend group. Eventually one of my friends I ended up having a crush on but I knew that we would not be a compatible relationship and so I just allowed myself to move on. Since then I've had no feelings for them in that way and I'm glad I was mature enough to value my friendship

[@stellameii]

totally agree. I learned it the hard way

[@SonicXtreme99akaCreeperMario]

Then wtf do I even do man

[@hamza7440]

@@SonicXtreme99akaCreeperMario confess bro I know it's harder than it seems but you would have your answer if she is not interested move on to the next person she is not right for you like in the video don't waste 3 years of your lifetime on maybes

[@graciecanil8482]

Totally true, the hardest thing is that we share work space, even more harder because he's my trainer, even if I try to stay away from him, he's around most of the time. I have no idea how to handle it.

[@Arob4343]

After 30 years of singleness, that bit about “the right love” feels foreign and impossible to find

[@christopherflux6254]

It certainly does suck. Once I liked a woman who didn’t feel the same way and i was struggling to deal with the emotions. Then one night I had a dream that she was getting onto an airplane and I kept hearing the words “It’s time to let go” repeatedly. Now here’s the weird part. The next morning this woman sent me a text message saying that she had got a new job in another country and would be flying out in a few days. So that’s how I got over that one.

[@DiscoGoesOn5067]

I was friends with a guy for 5 years, and I've had a horrible crush on them since the beginning. I've never felt comfortable labelling it "love", because I define love as a reciprocal act, a mutual choice. I finally steeled my will, and have gone no contact with him. It's been almost 3 months, and I still think of him everyday. Sometimes it hurts so bad I feel like a hole will burn through my chest. I'm trusting it will get better. I'm glad to read all these comments that it gets easier.

[@wack...]

it does get better but sometimes it take a long honestly

[@loganrun6010]

It does get better. I had someone like this for 10 years and the worst part is we ended up dating after 10 years just like I wanted but it went up in flames. I’m fine without him in my life - it’s actually way better. But what I definitely learned is that men are never friends - there is no point to have men as friends. You either date them, or make them acquaintances. Anything else is just a waste of time and energy and keeping you from real love.

[@robomojo8639]

@@loganrun6010 If you don't mind my asking, why have you come to the conclusion that friendships with men are pointless? In my view, it's more than possible to have a mutually beneficial platonic friendship with someone of the opposite sex, or indeed the same sex in a homosexual context, so long as it's clear things are exclusively platonic. Friends can uplift us in amazing ways if you have good ones, and imposing such arbitrary barriers on who is or isn't eligible for friendship seems kind of strange to me. But perhaps I'm ill-informed. I'd be interested to hear your perspective.

[@kiricchinomu]

@@robomojo8639 correct me if I'm wrong, but I've heard that men mostly approach women (in heterosexual context) not only for platonic reason, but also for pursuing relationship, or maybe vice versa (the women approach men first). If one of them confess their feelings and turns out rejected, both of them will be going into the "awkward phase" and mostly the platonic relationship will ended up quickly. Even if it's requited/accepted, when the romantic relationship is broken, it will ended up badly and mostly both of parties will be cutting contact of each other. Sorry if my English is bad. I'm not a native speaker.

[@spooky4223]

dont worry youll get past it had a similar situation with a girl I like at about month 7 I barely think of her anymore; and when I mean I don't think about her its more like I think about her but the pain is gone, and its not like a reoccurring thoughts of why?????

[@AshleysBrother]

"I'm just Ken (and I'm enough) And I'm great at doing stuff"

[@TheWhisperTexan]

The opposite of love isn't hate it's indifference.

[@dlvnmedia]

Why does that quote sound so familiar?

[@dlvnmedia]

Why does this sound so familiar?

[@TheWhisperTexan]

It's probably on a tee shirt lol

[@biteofdog]

Thank you, what a great quote. “The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.” ― Elie Wiesel

[@TheWhisperTexan]

@@biteofdog Yeah I love that quote thanks for writing the whole quote I had forgotten some of it. 👍

[@LeftTenantCaprice]

My own unrequited love from my teen years still comes up in my dreams twenty years later. My subconscious will never stop fighting for that attention.

[@tresha6563]

you have something known as limerence. The worst part is it makes us crave attention from unavailable people and drives us to get their approval.

[@colbyboucher6391]

@@tresha6563 Lmao yep, I somehow found the Wikipedia page for limerence a while back and I was like holy shit, so there IS a name for this and it ISN'T normal. I mean, I'm over it now, but it really did take years and there's definitely still moments where I stop dead in my tracks and think "oh yeah that was a thing"

[@serendipitouscomet]

You never forget.

[@matchalover08]

One thing that I would like to mention why unrequited love is hard is because of the constant "breadcrumbing" the other person does. They're not going to commit but still use this "tactic" to keep us interested or put us "on hold'. Speaking from personal experience, it's really quite selfish of them. Most importantly we have to remind ourselves that we deserve better than this person has to offer. Don't give in to the breadcrumbs! To the one comment talking about assignments: you can help her as her classmate but you don't need to always say yes to her request. If dealing with her is too much pain for you, try to minimize the contact. No contact / minimal contact works for me the best.

[@billybro1403]

Yes I agree. Because I'm sure that when one party develops feelings, the other one almost always becomes aware of it at some point and enjoys it. It's a satisfying feeling for them.

[@Horrorfreak106]

To be fair in a lot of situations the other person doesn't even know that you like them. You may feel like you gave them all the signals but most people prefer when others are straight forward. It's best to be honest about your feelings that way you can see how they respond and if they're honest then you can more easily move forward instead of playing a weird guessing game or "what if" scenarios in your head.

[@JackInABeanstalk98]

i feel like this has to be specifically about men.

[@serendipitouscomet]

The “breadcrumbing” could just be them not fully picking up on the fact that you like them, and wanting you to make the first move or a fear of rejection.

[@Voxavs]

Are you breadcrumbing your friends when you ask them to hang out or send them a meme? It only happens because you allow it and if you are not in love with a manipulative sociopath, it is just your imagination grasping at straws and trying to find hidden meanings where there is none.

[@Kindertautenleider]

"when I behaved pathetically" yup

[@caglabatur]

Traumatized people tend to have limerance :(( We believe love is something you "earn" and we also want a hero who can end our suffering. earning his love would make us feel worthy to have a "normal" life. We fall for a potential and fantasize about all these. At the end it is not love. It is a trauma reaction for us.❤

[@aeolia80]

I had unrequited feelings for someone for 8 years, not good, lol, not good at all, I wouldn't advise it, it sucks up too much out of your life and closes you off to new people you could meet.

[@SkywardShoe]

It's the worst when you develop unrequited feelings for a good friend. I dealt with that for a while, and ultimately the only way to get over them was to stop being around each other. I spent a few years just stuffing those feelings down because I knew for 100% sure that they were not interested (from discussions with them early on) but it felt wrong to end a friendship over some bullshit feelings that I had that were not their fault. I kept hoping I'd just stop feeling that way about them, but eventually it became clear that they weren't going away no matter how much I wanted them to. I resented that I still had romantic feelings for this person because it was getting in the way of my own happiness, and I had no delusions about anything ever coming from it. Eventually we both moved away for unrelated reasons, and while it was sad it helped me a lot to not have that physical proximity. We still talk a few times a year online, and while they will always be my friend I'm glad we don't see each other more often. Been a lot more careful about developing feelings for people since then, I don't ever want a repeat of how that went.

[@estherasth]

That happened to me. Hes was a friend to me and i had feelings for him, but i was just a client to him. The best thing to do is cut off any contact

[@JackInABeanstalk98]

@@estherasth client??

[@malachistice8111]

@@estherasth client?!?

[@pdiie]

Omg I screamed as you said “Unrequited love hurt because of the shame you feel about yourself for not being enough for the person you cared for the most” Oh my… I didn’t realise how much I had attached this rejection to shame until you phrased it like that. Thanks v much for this video.

[@cory99998]

Even applies to friendships. Felt like a stab when he so readily moved on from me. I pretended like I wasn't hurt but I was heartbroken. And it feels embarrassing that I felt so strongly towards someone who never saw the same in me. We're rooming again but in my mind I feel like I was his backup plan when the greener pastures weren't what he thought. At the same time I don't think he owed me, it's just that if our roles were flipped I wouldn't have left because the friendship mattered more to me. So I'm just sad that he isnt invested like I want him to be.

[@deyaniragomez7169]

Self-worth is a tough journey. Currently still on it, I realized my lack of self-worth was bleeding onto not only relationships but also how I approach academia. The mix of unworthiness with perfectionism has given me so much anxiety that I couldn't even get a word in on my report. Not to mention, I had said yes to things that my now self would not. Setting boundaries is hard, with academia, people, and yourself.

[@nickflint5275]

It's impossible to not take it personally because it *IS* personal. Duh. If who you love or don't love isn't personal, then what is?

[@Lowehart]

Question on a slightly more complicated aspect. How does one move on in a situation in which the person is a good friend? Someone who you do genuinely get on with, have connections with, mutual interests, reasons to talk, but... For whatever reason it doesn't cross the line into romance. How do you move on, when that person is still part of your life, and social group. A person you value and enjoy seeing.

[@sophiasilva-es3ki]

I guess u just have to forget, try not to see that person in a romantic way. think of this person as a friend who you have great admiration and affection for, not passion

[@Bruh-Moment435]

This happened to me, I told a mutual friend about my feelings in confidence and they told me they thought it wouldn't be good if we dated. I realized it was probably true, and I decided to just let myself move on because without the hazy view I had before clouding my feelings I realized we were def not compatible for a relationship. I just gave myself a little bit of space and it ended up being completely fine. For several years I've had no feelings for my friend that I used to have a crush on and I'm glad because I'd honestly rather have them as a friend and be with someone compatible

[@keiththorpe9571]

Yeah, I've been on both sides of this equation at different times throughout my life. Suffering in silence with my unreciprocated affections hanging from my neck like a millstone, as well as feeling the awkward weight of "her" unrequited love for me. As I've gotten older, I've learned that such "friendships" just do not work, and best to pull away, put distance, as soon as you realize they don't feel the same as you and never will...Or you don't. Otherwise, it's just that thing, and it's out there between you two, and it never goes away.

[@timothygarycarolus1018]

Watching this while the experiencing unrequited "love" or "affection" is sitting a desk away from me.😅 way to go KZbin recommendations lol

[@Mattismen]

"Two weeks later he told me the fantastic news-" I think I just experienced a second-hand panic attack by what followed.

[@MokChoiYew]

You can change what you do but you can’t change what you want 😢

[@monaural2.988]

Some people will deny it, but going through unrequited love will send some on a revenge quest of sorts, even years later, when someone who is interested in THEM will be on the receiving end of their “I’m not ready for a relationship right now” machine gun. It gives them a sense of “There, universe. How do you like them apples?”

[@KGBeast.]

I went through unrequited love a few years ago, and instead of support all I got was harassment and humiliation from my peers this led me to a very dark place. I hope nobody else goes through this and know that to those who do go through this horrible thing, it's never your fault and you are never alone everything in life is a learning process. Improvise, adapt and overcome life is a cycle that one must follow

[@mushroommagic1697]

I got through this for so long. And yes, low self esteem is one of the factors that makes you fall for people who you can't have.

[@lungelongubane4071]

Situationships are the bane of my existence especially since all of them have lasted no longer than 3 months for me each time 💔

[@damo9961]

All of the unrequited love in my life has always come from me at a time when I'm already feeling very low and depressed. If life is going good, then unrequited love isn't a problem, you just get over it.

[@rksnj6797]

Sometimes people can be clueless about how others feel about them. There were a few people in my 20's who I was "in love" with and they didn't realize how I felt. Since I really cared about those people, I decided to just be friends with them (very hard to do) and ended up with wonderful life long friends.

[@colbyboucher6391]

See, I tried that, but this being HS I eventually asked them if they'd go to the prom with me. My best friend. Lmao. They noped out hard and here I was thinking that "ripping the bandaid off" was the right call. I'm totally over it now because it's been just about a decade, but goddamn did getting over it completely take a long time.

[@subVersionband]

For what its worth, you seem awesome and im sure its his loss :)

[@RepublicTrooper125]

For years I couldn’t explain it properly why I’ve been single. Thank you for shedding light on people who actually want to meet someone that chooses you back. Mutual love isn’t really understood by many.

[@christiansnaturestudio6599]

Mutual love is rare and can't be controlled from one person

[@GAVLZ]

I reconnected with my first ever girlfriend after 11 years, we were each others first kiss and all that. We were preteens as adults we tried a real relationship. She left me after 7 months, saying she just wants to be by herself. My family helped her get a great job, I helped her get through some extremely tough times in her one words. Sometimes even someone with a deep connection and a set past isn’t the one. I feel devastated and used but in the end I hope it helps me grow. I miss the absence of pain more then I miss her. I hope anyone heartbroken in the comments knows that life is much more than just a person that decides to leave, and thanks Cinzia, great video.

[@Voxavs]

In my experience love as you described it is more trouble than it is worth. Not only it is likely to be a not fun experience, you also loose the sense of self, become irrational and the feeling kinda resembles being high on drugs, seeking to satisfy your own addiction, but being in denial at the same time. Don't do it, I say.

[@AstroMartine]

Love your honesty, I think there isn't a person alive who hasn't gone through unrequited love. I'm not a great reader, but I remember this quote from "White Oleander" that I really loved which said: "Hatred cradles you, love humiliates you." To be fair, it was said by a character who killed her boyfriend for rejecting her, but still, it makes a lot of sense.

[@jessicabarroga6289]

I think this a hard lesson that most young women experience at some point to some degree. I had an experience almost exactly like yours in my early twenties! The moment I thought we might actually be getting closer it turned out he was only meeting me to learn more about my best friend. The one he was actually interested in. It was painful and demoralizing, but eventually I came to understand that it never would have been an equal and healthy relationship even if we had gotten together. Although the scar will forever remain and at times I still feel a little resentful of his behavior, I am also grateful for lessons I learned about myself and what I want for myself that helped me grow into a more confident and mature woman. You can't make someone love and respect you, and you shouldn't waste your time trying because you won't like what the result ends up being anyway. It's not worth it to bend and twist yourself into their perfect shape because sooner or later you'll break. The fear of being alone is a dark and looming thing, but you can't let it twist you. Better to find someone who is just as interested in you as you are in them and just as willing to put in the effort toward building a healthy relationship. It was a valuable lesson that I still carry with me to this day.

[@K.C-2049]

and here's the other thing, that man will always see people as a means to an end. this story gives me the idea that he's likely manipulative and objectifying, rather than honest and communicative, if he couldn't be bothered to be open with you about what he wanted. you probably dodged a major bullet there honestly. that's the trouble with crushes, I think there's a lot of pedestalizing and building up an idea of this person, so much so that we miss a lot of cues about who they actually are. and as for the fear of being alone, look at previous generations' high divorce rates. there was never some golden age when everyone was happily coupled up, they did it out of fear and it made them miserable. we're just figuring that out BEFORE we wreck our lives lol.

[@joshb7326]

You guys sound sexist. Men go through this too. I'm a man and I've been through this

[@jessicabarroga6289]

@@joshb7326 No one said men don't/can't experience the same thing? I was sharing my own personal experience. I am a woman who had an unfortunate experience with one man in particular. I certainly don't think all, or even most, men are this way. I have been happily married to a wonderful man for 6 years now. It's absolutely true that there are women who do the same thing unfortunately.

[@Sam-es2gf]

this is not gendered. if anything it's worse for men because they are both more expected to "persue" and women are less likely to outright reject someone for risk of hurting their feelings and keep people around because women prefer having a larger social circle than men, prolonging the pain.

[@MorganHyde-ie5ru]

@@Sam-es2gf you just made it gendered. It's horrible out there for everyone, and horrible for different people in different ways. If you want to reverse what you said, it's horrible being a woman and feeling like you have no right to hit on someone you might like because you assume they want someone younger and instagram model hot. Nobody is winning out there. Nobody. And even the ones who find someone who is great for them still go through pain in their life. Nobody wins. We all suffer.

[@LB-uo7xy]

Saddest situation is if that's the only kind of attention you will get for the rest of your life which happens quite often with people that were friendzoned more than once. It becomes a pattern.

[@jreamscape]

Bc u don't think u deserve better

[@JakubRosman]

I agree with all your advice. The rejection is not an indicator of your lack of self-worth, love, etc. which is the most logical answer, but emotionally, it feels quite different and it's very difficult for me to interalize.

[@ordinarylittlebastard3248]

Lots of people actually need to hear this. Cuz being rejected will not stop you on your path to be who you want to be, unless that vision is with that person. If you want to earn money, you can even if you're rejected by a love interest. If you want to be a better person to your family, you can without having a love interest. There is much more worth in life to enjoy and work on other than love.

[@manfredconnor3194]

This rejection is probably one of the hardest situations to deal with.

[@oponomo]

It's not always a matter of self-esteem. In my case i had the obsession of love because of the hole inside of me created by emotional absent parents. It was such a freedom to discover my "mechanism" to fall in love was the mere hope of "that person is the one that has the capacity to give my needs unmet". After this i am immune to develop feelings for someone that doesn't show healthy reciprocity. (while not becoming someone cold and distant obviously)

[@spaceperson613]

I had a friend in highschool who had feelings for me but i didn't reciprocate them back, which I felt awful doing to her as a friend. It wasnt because i didn't like her, but because she seemed too good for me and i didnt want to dissapoint her as a partner. I had a ton of self worth issues which bled into every part of my life and it made me feel like she was wasting her affection on someone like me. Ive been on the otherside myself and its led me to a point where i dont really develop feelings for people anymore. We still talk occasionally but not regularly since she has her new partner. But shes with someone that makes her happy, which is enough for me.

[@isabellaananda6633]

Unrelated but I like the way you speak and your voice so much! It’s like a charming and smart character.

[@LoveMeKnot_]

When I was a teenager I always viewed that being inlove was a vulnerability. So when I fell in love with my guy bestfriend I decided to shut him out of my life completely. I thought it would help me deal with my feelings. But after a while I realised how sellfish I was. And how I ruined a long friendship. And how much i missed my bestfriend. I think all the guilt that built inside me and also never really knowing if he liked me back was why it took me so long to get over my unrequited love.

[@holyfreak8]

I was there once: she lived on another city and I would travel to see her just to be sidelined or being treated really different as she would treat me to text messages. Finally I cutted ties and it helped me immensely to understand that I should not let anyone use me, to love myself a little more and not to idealize anyone. I was always the person who would go to any distance just to impress to that person just to crash with the reality that I was not being seeing the same way by the other part. Thankfully I grew and now I can set my priorities more clearly. Thanks for the video Lady!

[@thekatyperrymemechannel2122]

09:56 ""They're some random person that has the same amount of chromosomes as you do" that's a bold assumption REEEEEEE

[@NihilisticHedonism]

Your name is a mix of Italian and French. You seem like a British lady from a different era. Very nice to have found your KZbin page.

[@tanyabadhan2]

How easy it all is to accept when said by someone else then yourself. Thank you.

[@GadgetsGearCoffee]

Definitely suffered from this up until a few years ago after working on myself a lot and my attachment style. Ultimately what worked for me was CBT workshops for attachment style, which led me to understand what I'm feeling, what I need, boundaries, communicating them and then practicing all that over and over (with friends, with dates) until I could unlearn and reprogram myself until that was my new standard. I also put together a list of what I'm looking for and want to feel with someone romantically that helped as a guide

[@Zeneyez]

Oh it’s the worst ever feeling, and I’ve experienced it four times, so awful. I remember crying so hard, I collected my tears in a bowl to see how much I cried, and it definitely covered the bottom. That made me cry more, then I was all cried out, spent. Thank you so much for your honest and cringy admission, we have all done the same yearning things for people who didn’t deserve us! ❤

[@Dr0pDe4DDanny]

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for this. I am coming out of a 7 year funk from idolizing and putting on a pedestal someone who did not love me. I knew I was on the right track once I really analyzed my feelings and this video was the reassurance I needed.

[@hihello-sx1sx]

I’m in the same situation. Best of luck :)

[@yousraabdenouri2676]

thank you so much for clarifying the none understandable feeling that i got during my one sided love experience and that feeling of rejection hearing about your experience and how you have dealt with that really helped me . i really needed to move on because that one experience effected me a lot in my love life , when i like a guy a always think that maybe he won't like me back or maybe i'm not enough for his standard regardless to me own standards , that's pathetic actually . but i will work on it hearing you say "there will always be someone that will love you " really comforted me thanks a lot .

[@heroedeleyenda2]

I did the same. She lived 1,200 miles from me and she joke about if was going to her birthday party. I went. Most of the time I spend there she basically acted like I wasn't there.

[@serenaniederkorn4882]

Thank you for this Cinzia.

[@Fudge_Killer17]

Really needed to hear this, thank you.

[@toomiepal]

So many good points. Thank you.

[@coppelxia]

I needed to hear this today thank you so much

[@gabrielagarzon6566]

perfectly explained!!! thanks for sharing

[@obionedogan]

Thank you for the video! I needed to hear that.

[@natl3118]

So eloquently said, amazing video, thank you!!

[@glucose_kilometer7873]

Needed this today

[@marktodd6187]

This really landed with me. Great message!

[@dave22240]

Hi Cinzia, you put it very well. I've just had a knock back, its the first time i've put myself out there for many years and i feel pritty bad right now, as you said 'not good enough' in some way.

[@LunarEgo]

Thank you. I needed to hear this.

[@nunnunnunyabizzie2345]

We've all done this. He knew what he was doing. Men don't grow in love, it is immediate for them; the quicker you snuff them out of your life ...the better. Men never lead on a woman they truly want to be with.

[@winterburden]

Thank you so much for sharing this with us Cinzia, we will listen and learn!

[@sarahinnis7364]

Omg that was so helpful and perfectly timed! Thank you Cinzia! ❤😅😊

[@onemantis]

Thank you, I needed to hear this.

[@niamhl6964]

As Maisie Peters says, 'if you don't want me, then you're not the one!'

[@Horrorfreak106]

I think it's always best to be honest with your feelings. Even if it may hurt, I feel like it's easier to move forward and know what to do next when you know the truth rather than suffering emotionally and mentally because of a "what if?" scenario in your head. It also shows that person that you're honest and confident and if they don't appreciate that then they're not good company to begin with. There's power in the truth!

[@pedroclaro7822]

Veritas vos liberat

[@aramisalfons558]

Thank you for putting this into words. I think it will really help me!

[@cosmictraveler1146]

TY Cinzia, like usual you posted this right when I needed to be reminded about a said topic

[@UndecidedCinema705]

I needed this so badly. Thank you

[@comfypeepo]

This has quickly became one of my favourite channels

[@PityMauArt]

I really needed to hear this today, truly a blessing to find this video, thank youuu

[@AmandaSantos-cs5yf]

My god, your videos are always perfect! 💖

[@luvu2pieces10]

That was fantastic!!

[@Creelien]

You have no idea how much I needed to see and listen to a video like this. Thank you!❤

[@royananderson1882]

thank you for making this. I'm so glad I found your channel.

[@suzilahlah]

Thanks for this, Cinzia. Your advice is going to help me immensely in advising a friend who is in this position and every conversation ends up with her in tears and me just hugging her and saying nothing. I think it’s time I spoke honestly even if it affects our friendship. Sometimes you have to blow up the ground you walk on to make something right. She deserves better… and you too deserve everything good. I love your videos. Hugs from Melbourne, Australia

[@sidharthajain7001]

Thank you for the video I truly needed this

[@geo665]

Back at the turn of the century, this current century, obviously, a friend loaned me a copy of Jill Conner Browne's 'Sweet Potato Queens Book of Love.' Unlikely you've heard of it. Few Have. And though I've never been quite entirely sure *why* she loaned it to me, I still vividly recall a chapter about Jay at the Desk, a ubiquitous no-one at the office who was always very nice and friendly and helpful and kind - but a person considered so bland and invisible as to be undateable. I've found that, over the last couple of decades, I have been Jay at the Desk far more times than I'd prefer to have been. Not to say it's something I aspire to, but you get the idea. It's painful and it hurts. But you get over it and get on. And you realise you have value regardless of what others incorrectly believe, and hope that someone will, eventually, recognise that as well.

[@novavita2853]

One thing I would add to this, is communicate. I can't say anything specifically in your case, as I wasn't in your situation, but going by only what you said, I would say it's important to actually voice your feelings instead of waiting for the other person to voice them first or "come around". That gets rid of all need to sit and stew about will they, won't they or do they or can they, etc. Plus some people are just... incompetent, let's say, when it comes to seeing "the obvious". I had two people who I hung out with nearly every day in high school tell me 10-20 years later that they had liked me the entire time and I had literally zero idea. Maybe it's me being a demisexual, but there was no clear obvious thing to me that they seemed to think there was. I'm honestly completely baffled by all flirting in general, it's never made sense to me, not that I ever felt they ever did. It all just felt like friends being friends. And being a good friend versus being a good friend with the hopes of something more is not good nor fair either, for either party. Communication stops any of that confusion and at least let's you know where you are with a person. And if they are saying one thing and doing another, then you know you're in trouble and need to move on.

[@jeremysmith4620]

Communication is so very important. People should be upfront about what they want, how they feel, and what they are looking for. Unfortunately real people don't actually do any of that in many cases. That is typically just another indicator that a relationship wouldn't have worked out because that natural communication wasn't present all along.

[@Mattman0106]

This is exactly what ive been going through since around Halloween so this video came out at the perfect time. Started dating this girl around the beginning of August and everything was going so great. It was the closest I'd ever felt to having a real girlfriend and really connecting with someone. It seemed like she really liked me a lot and like there were sparks and I had just never felt that with anyone. I thought things were going to get serious but about a month into the relationship I brought it up she said she didnt want to be serious or hang out anymore, as if all of her feelings for me faded out of nowhere, but she still texted me for another month, and then she said she wanted to hang out again but just be casual. She told me I was more than just a hookup to her. But then after another month went by she told me she could tell I still had feelings for her and that we shouldn't see each other or talk anymore, and that she also was seeing another guy. I've been so broken over all this. I really liked her a lot and thought she would come around and open up to me if we kept hanging out, but clearly that didnt happen, and even though I supposedly meant more to her than just a hookup, she ironically tossed me aside completely and persues the hookups instead. It makes me feel so awful that she left me like this. Its been so hard to get over, my self esteem has definitely taken a hit, and honestly even if i can move on, i don't think i can get over the way i was treated, and i feel like i just cant date or trust anyone anymore. Its no wonder why people just go for hookups after being totally fucked over for being real, nobody wants to get their heart broken. She meant a lot to me and im worried i wont find anyone else that made me feel the same way. I'm pretty sure this is the most fucked up thing ive ever gone through personally.

[@poutanasgios4319]

my crush confessed to one of my best friends lmao I needed this. Thank you sweet book lady.

[@mikesgamelab6369]

I learned a trick for this sometime ago. It seems mean, but you just start listing all that person’s flaws in your head. And avoid them as much as you reasonably can. It helps me, but sometimes I feel like I’m just going through the motions, though. I don’t know why I don’t get over these things like other people can. You make it sound so easy.

[@lesliemoiseauthor]

HUG. Your transparency is so courageous. Excellent breakdown of why it happens, and how to move on.

[@almonddonut1818]

I really need this, thank you!

[@yespls4184]

I remember when I was a sophomore in college I was asked out by this guy in my friend group who I had a massive crush on. I was absolutely baffled that he even wanted to ask me out. We had a great date and kissed and I was over the moon. However, the next day I got a text from him basically saying that he wasn't ready for a relationship, didn't want to mess up our friendship, blah blah blah. It was a gentle way of saying that he wasn't into me like that, which is absolutely fine. However, we lived in the same apartment complex and were in the same friend group. I basically allowed this disappointment to completely destroy my self esteem.. I had a bunch of one night stands, went on all of the dating apps, and was determined to "prove" something. However, I basically just destroyed myself doing it.. drinking a ton, jumping into situationships, etc. Eventually that infatuation with him faded and for once his less-than-perfect qualities started to stand out to me more. I can't say that I have super high confidence levels now, but I'm glad that I finally got over that shit.

[@christiansnaturestudio6599]

I'm a virgin, and I didn't get a single one night stand lol😂. You gotta have massive amount of confidence for that to happen. This is coming from a guy who has a large social friendship circle with women. Sure I may not be conventionally the most charming and handsome guy on campus, but every day, I'm evolving. I just wish my dating life college wasn't filled with unmet needs, rejections, ghosting, and getting blocked out of nowhere.

[@fatima-cd7bs]

I'm living with this feelings for weeks now so i really i understand every single word you said thanks for sharing it means a lot

[@Mrcamjam18]

I needed this so much ❤

[@ChaplainJoshua]

This is a most excellent take.

[@stickman2012]

Thank you, Cinzia for this reminder. I spent too long in my high school and college career worrying about unrequited love when I could have also just been focusing on bettering myself as a person. I don't think I will attend a particular event tomorrow evening, because it would seem my motives are not pure; I would be worrying too much about a particular lady who is also in attendance.

[@emiliecavallo]

THANK YOU! You just gained a new subscriber dear Cinzia. Keep going, your work is fantastic.

[@luckyphil45]

Fantastic video, I'm loving these advisory/educational type of videos. I think it's because it comes at a time when several things have crystallised into clarity for me broadly around this subject. So they're reinforcing my decisions and validating me in a way. I do wish I'd listened to advice like this in my formative years. Make it a vague series? You could call it "Cinzia's companionship conundrums" or something better 😁

[@rjo2020]

Dear lovely Ms. DuBois, when young and impressionable it's easy to focus on our fantasies and become immersed in the possibilities. When older, sometimes it still happens. It's the expression of our needs and desires at that moment in our history. The trick is to recognize it before it causes undo hardship or misery. You come across as a warm, thoughtful, highly cherishable individual. I hope you have found someone to satisfy those needs and desires, joyously, mutually, much of the time. Life is much more enjoyable when that happens. Your subscribers are likely grateful for your insights. Best wishes to you!