Mastering Boundaries: How to Say "No" and Without Being Rude

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WHO AM I?
Hey there, I’m Cinzia DuBois. I’m a part-time, self-funded PhD student and KZbinr, Podcaster and writer. I’ve been creating videos for over thirteen years. I discuss productivity, personal development, PhD, academia and mental well-being on this channel. On my main channel, I talk about all things dark and ancient history, literature and folklore.

[@holyfreak8]

Is ok to set boundaries, is ok to say "NO". Someone, somewhere will always feel offended, but if it's good for you go always ahead . Great video Lady!

[@J_LorraineK]

This is an important subject. When I was younger, I was always way too tolerant of terrible behavior by others, and it was ultimately damaging. When I learned better and started setting boundaries, I became the a**hole in my circle. It was difficult to hold my ground, and something I had to practice. But it was worth it.

[@SuzOfNine]

I figured out in my early 30s that you can say no in all sorts of nice and kind ways, sometimes just by smiling and saying thanks at the same time.

[@Spasmission]

I really like your background, your old fashioned style and your calm voice it makes me feel cozy I'm gonna grab a cup of tea and relax to your videos.

[@RU81111]

I really wish there had been someone in my life that would have communicated these ideas to me when I was younger. I think you preformed exceptionally well in presenting this video. Thank you for the quality videos, I hope you have a great day.

[@peterjohnston2196]

Boundaries are a fine judgement call. Too few and you're a doormat, too many and you become a selfish a-hole. Set them wisely!

[@adrianopaparoni5584]

That was uncomfortably relatable.

[@GaiaBH1]

Thank you very much for this video! I have been like this my entire life. I have never been able to say no and have always tried to do what the other person wants, in fear of upsetting them or making them mad. I’ve even forced myself to talk to people who aren’t good for my mental health, or those who just aren’t very pleasant to talk to for whatever reason. And, consequently, I have found myself in countless situations I really didn’t want to be in and harming myself in the process. In fact, I am like this with a friend of mine. I am guilty of allowing her to sometimes treat me in a way that isn’t fair, because I don’t want to hurt HER feelings. She has a tendency of treating me like I am a child, even going as far as to talk to me like I am a toddler and telling me how to do things in the kind of way a mum would to her small child. I know I shouldn’t accept that but I always worry about making her mad or upset with me, even though she is hurting ME. It’s terrible! I am trying to correct this people-pleasing complex of mine, though. For example, I volunteer at a local charity shop and one of my fellow volunteers asked me if I wanted to go and have coffee with her and have a look around in some shops. I didn’t feel confident as I have never hung out with this woman before and I have bad social anxiety. Before, I would’ve said yes because I wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings in any way. However, I actually declined. I was proud of myself! One step at a time, people. We can do this 💪

[@lesliemoiseauthor]

One time a group of friends made a poster of all the ways to say no without saying no. "That doesn't work for me." "Not so much." Like that. By the time we finished it, there was no space left to write anything else. An excellent point about seeing it as lying. Loewhaley has some excellent short videos about setting boundaries in the work place.

[@coyotegaxiola4281]

Pranksters/ people who make jokes at your expense are often trying to undercut or isolate you in a social context---they usually won't make you the butt of the joke if it's just the two of you. I do agree that you should (if you feel comfortable) communicate that you found their "joke" personally hurtful and give them a chance to apologize. If they offer a sincere apology, wonderful! If they say anything along the lines of "you're too sensitive/can't take a joke", run far and run fast..or back away slowly, if you prefer.

[@Beebee-ml6jf]

Thank you for this - having firm and fair reply examples makes saying "no" easier to contemplate. Being able to be honest is best but can feel so hard.

[@coyotegaxiola4281]

Thanks SO MUCH for this video! I'm 52 years old, and still learning from younger women (like you) all the time. I needed this so much, and you break it down in an amazing take I have never heard before: that it is a type of lying to say yes when you don't want to (pardon the crap grammar).

[@robertmkorte]

I really appreciate all of your videos very much. 💛 Have a great weekend and please know that there are a lot of people that think like me 😊 even if the view count does not seem to reflect that. The view count on KZbin has been wonky for a over a week now.

[@RM-we7px]

My former manager was awesome. As long as you did your work. He wanted us to enjoy time off. He didn’t want us taking work home. Home was home. Work is work. Just be honest and let people what you don’t like.

[@cm-ft8wd]

Needed this. Still learning to say no 🥴♥️

[@dymoure]

I can relate to your videos so much. I’m known among my friends and family for being "too nice" and my kindness is commonly taken advantage of. Last year, I ended my friendships with my two favorite people because they both started lying to me and about me behind my back. Now none of us talk to each other anymore, but I feel pretty confident in saying that today, I’m the happiest of the three of us. I feel like I’ve grown so much since last year. I didn’t burn the bridges; it’s not what I do. But… I was able to walk across the bridges without looking back.

[@SuzOfNine]

I thought I had a pretty good handle on my boundaries and was really pleased to learn a new tip from this video ❤ I've never made a habit of working outside of office hours even though it's role modelled by senior managers, prioritizing family & friends is a great line can use now, thanks 😄 I usually say "you had all day today and you have all day tomorrow to contact me, I don't need to answer the phone while I'm eating my dinner or in my pajamas" but feel that can be a bit sassy!

[@hazelpiaoed10]

I'm currently living this with a co-worker. I feel so much lighter and know immediately that I've made the right decision. Honestly, love your voice.

[@sambailie4773]

Me too....said yes to too many things because saying no was uncomfortable x

[@RadicalGirl]

How are you always putting out videos that line up with my life perfectly? 😅

[@tedwilson1477]

The problem is when you're saying no to people who cant accept no and resort to childish manipulation / bully tactics at a later date.

[@gingersal8052]

I agree, sometimes the only thing you can do is avoid them (when possible).

[@keiththorpe9571]

I've always found it interesting that my own experience has not included many people who test my boundaries. I suppose I can chalk this up to the fact that I've always clearly defined the hard limits of imposition on me. Crossing those lines of demarcation effectively ends our relationship. While I know some people in my life have found themselves feeling a bit rough-handled in that regard, it does serve to enhance my own respect for the boundaries set by others. I think it's been a net-positive.

[@richardblackmore9351]

I feel like the modern world truly believes that no one should have boundaries. I look around the internet and see this all of the time. No! I get on Goodreads, and I am even starting to be disillusioned by that site. I am part of book clubs where we talk about books. Why do I have to give my opinion about every book I read? I read anywhere between 80 or 100 books a year, so no I am not going to review them all. At this point I just use GR as a database to keep track of what I've read, what I want to read next. Don't even get me started on my "currently reading" list because I always start books but move on to other books, forgetting to finish them, so it is like 900 something books now. Anyway, moving away from my rant about GR. I feel like social media is making us all narcisisstic as hell, and that is why I want off. The only reason I come to KZbin is honestly to watch your videos and select few other youtubers. I feel like KZbin is also getting toxic as hell. Best without any of it, honestly. Thanks for letting me vent on the internet. On to life!

[@Ek70R]

Just today my manager told me he needed another person to cover a shift and writed me to do it. I said no, I had personal obligations to attend to. He was kinda mad and just texted me "FINE". I feel guilty. I hate that whenever I feel like I have to express my needs or my desires I am always recieved with backlash.

[@SuzOfNine]

I feel bad that you got treated like this. If your boss is going to be rude to you because you won't let them disrespect your choices then your boss has very poor management skills and needs to rely on bullying and intimidation because they have no other way to handle the situation. It says everything about them and nothing but good about you. You have nothing to feel guilty about xx

[@Ek70R]

@@SuzOfNine Hey, thank you so much for this message as it helps me to be more objective with my decisions. I really needed this today. Take care send you lots of hugs.

[@winterburden]

Thanks for this important boundaries video Cinzia!

[@thepostmodernreader3348]

Im so glad I found your channel. You’re so thoughtful and inspiring. Keep doing what you’re doing. ✨

[@beerenmusli8220]

Just, thank you a lot.

[@user-ro8mg1lh4l]

It’s not a big deal if you’re being rude when mastering boundaries. Your personal life should prevail over someone else’s attitude.

[@richardblackmore9351]

My rule now is I absolutely never tell jokes that are mean or derogatory. I will either tease someone for something that I already know they won't mind being teased about, or won't say anything at all. It took me years to realize, but absolutely so much misogyny is hidden in "jokes" and it is unacceptable, especially towards your friends, and most especially your significant other. I would definitely call that attempted emotional abuse. It okay to tease people, but you have to know how to do it. Joke about things that they joke about themselves. Make sure that "joking" has actually been accepted in the relationship. Unfortunately, I think it is further complicated because women and men joke in such different ways. I think women are much better at figuring out what they can joke about than men are. And women are generally a lot more tactful and conscientious than men are. Us men need to take notes.

[@MicahBuzanANIMATION]

This video is helping me so much, thank you for making this.

[@pantherman8719]

I stopped caring about coworkers when it came time to leave. They don't appreciate shit.

[@pellematura]

Grazie.

[@ScarletClarity]

Thank you so SO much for speaking about this Cinzia. I have been like this all my life and have recently learned a big big lesson - having been utterly taken advantage of by a moocher/freeloader. Listening to this video I kept verbally agreeing and nodding, this really hit home for me. As always you put it into words so fantastically. Thanks for always making content that matters!

[@alagorical8001]

Thankyou xxxx

[@francescagennari6556]

Thank you for these videos, they’re so helpful! Please make more ❤️

[@kzwzbjm]

You're wonderful. Thank you!

[@Thebusinessprodco]

1:46 in and i already clicked like

[@jarrodwalker997]

How do you set boundaries with a friend who tells jokes about you that are a little too much? I'm fine with teasing most of the time, but they overdo it.

[@jaquelinelutz]

Communication is key honestly, just be honest about how you feel and that their jokes bother you, if they're truly your friend they should understand and respect that, if they don't that says more about them than about you. I know it's hard to say stuff like that but you will feel much better afterwards, best of luck!

[@hairgod87]

I recently did this with a friend whom I thought was extremely funny and kind most of the time, but wasn’t used to being friends with someone who is more sensitive to extreme ribbing. I simply said “I feel hurt when you joke about x, and I’m kind of sensitive to that.” They stopped immediately bc they didn’t realize I was upset! I would suggest giving them the chance to understand your feelings, if they respect you it will work! :) good luck ❤️

[@thiabrabson2533]

😊❤

[@kallistoindrani5689]

👍👍👍👍

[@seanjohnson4039]

It appears that the stack of books under your pumpkin is about to collapse ....

[@co59720]

Sounds like a good solid try. Goodly advice that just won't work, effort yourself for decades and you'll simply become more skilled at efforting yourself, self being the key interest here. Advice it's not from the interior it's not authentic if it doesn't originate from within, 'you're talking to the mirror, I've seen the dog do that. Fight Flight Freeze or FAWN . Get trauma informed. ❤

[@endezeichengrimm]

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