VERBAL ABUSE TYPES: INVISIBLE WOUNDS

My last video was about using name calling as a type of verbal abuse, this video explores 15 ways we can be verbally abusive, perhaps without realizing it.
Is yelling in anger verbally abusive? What about discounting or trivializing?
How does it feel when someone yells at you or tries to make you feel stupid or irrelevant?
Verbal abuse is emotional abuse and this video describes all the ways we might be wounded by how a parent, partner or another speaks to us or how we speak to others.
www.drkimsage.com
@drkimsage
Dr. Kim Sage Podcasts on KX FM in Laguna Beach, CA.
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[@BeMeSnappeist]

My mother does all 15, but she says Im the abuser... lol

[@Chakrada1]

Oh God! All of these. My mother's verbal abuse was jaw-dropping and eye-watering in what passed for conversation in our house (just a mugging of reason, evidence, truth, and personal distress) but her artillery was reserved for letters and emails when she could consider her words. When I started therapy I took some of her letters, and we quickly agreed that all subsequent written communication would be read by her first and then deleted so I didn't have to experience it first hand! I was not the only person she attempted to wound in this way, but the violence of her words is unlike anything I've ever encountered elsewhere.

[@Theonewhoisreal]

For me it is where like my step mom says mean stuff to me pushes me around and when I stand up for myself she calls me manipulative

[@natehiger410]

May I ask your race? I feel like this unlikely happens in a white family

[@amandaj8028]

My mom is one of these people who is always intense, aggressive and over the top . I have AVPD which I believe was because my mom is so dominating and her energy is always so negative and angry. She sucks all the air out of the room.

[@aika0604]

Wow you described my mother exactly. My mom’s almost always hostile and confrontational. When she gets going it’s emotionally exhausting to deal with her. I haven’t been diagnosed with AVPD but the symptoms are definitely there for me.

[@amandaj8028]

Aika S I’m sorry that you have to deal with a mother like that also. I love my mom but it can be exhausting to be with her sometimes. I feel your pain. AVPD is a very lonely disorder.😞. Maybe one day we can both find some peace.

[@mittenvonscrufflears7233]

What's AVPD?

[@rubyredfrog]

@@mittenvonscrufflears7233 Avoidant Personality Disorder

[@Its_Josie.]

My dad

[@delilahhart4398]

Words often reverberate for years afterwards.

[@sddoublee]

I have noticed that if you ignore the abuser, like my father, which I have ignored, the man moves on to my wife and my kids. It's a cycle. These people are sick.

[@ladennayoung2939]

I feel my mother generally always comes at me more than anyone. I think it is because she is mad because I chose to start thinking for myself and actually live my own life in a sense. She hates that I refuse to be her form of supply. She acts as if she is constantly trying to compete with me and act jealous of me. It is very awkward and unnecessary.

[@nedargiordano7018]

Everybody dies, the abuser dies a coward

[@ladennayoung2939]

Yeah. My mother tends to cut me off often while I'm speaking. She tries to be dismissive towards me. Then she is constantly fixated on trying to get me to pay attention to her. Like she is trying to get me to compliment her or be overly concerned about her. Even if I'm going through something myself. She isn't generally concerned about my well-being whatsoever. Ugh.

[@mariee.9781]

I know this video is about parents, but it's a T for how my two uncles treat me. And they brag to me of how they can get away with it.(I have ptsd), I'm in a safe place now though.

[@cindyreeves5048]

Dr Sage. ☺️ Thank you for this concise video. 2 weeks ago I put what I needed in my car & left my verbally abusive alcoholic husband. He does everything on the list, but when he’s hammered, it gets super special. I started to fear for my safety. I sought help. A friend gave me Patricia Evans book: “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” which has the list you just presented. It opened my eyes. The DAY I started reading it is the day I started to make my plan to gracefully & silently LEAVE. I’m no contact with him & I’ve retained my lawyer.

[@Alphacentauri819]

I’m sending you light and love.💫💛 May you heal, develop validating connections to yourself and others, have peace and safety. What a blessing that your friend reached out and gave you that book, and that it resonated with you. That’s a true friend, who saw you and your situation, and cared enough to do something.

[@tremblingsand1358]

This video was very helpful. I was abused from my people and the struggles of the feeling abused everyday like for months makes me think that need to change. I'm watching your videos and I like what you say kinda everything this is so true.

[@deadbeats4417]

I thought some of these count as emotional abuse instead of verbal

[@KoolT]

5:33 last YELLING and anger

[@algernon74]

This video sounds like my life story…I’ve been in psychological treatment for over twenty years and I feel like I’m just getting started at healing the wounds from verbal abuse. I’ve gone from one toxic environment to another. Friendships, relationships, employment…all messed up because I didn’t break the cycle of being verbally abused to becoming verbally abusive. I don’t trust myself. My self esteem is a bit trashed. Now I have negative inner voice that is harassing me everyday…I’m working on myself. I’ve received advice from my counselor, but I’m struggling a bit.

[@AK-be9uz]

These are word for word taken out of Patricia Evans' book The Verbally Abusive Relationship. Great info but probably should give her credit

[@nitz3012]

So I had to shut down a text conversation with my verbally (text?)abusive friend who was reaming me out for saying I was highly sensitive and needed some grace to figure out how to manage my responsibilities and it was turned around at me as thoigh I’m using my tears to manipulate and control him. 😭 I’ve blocked that interaction and any subsequent. I am riddled with guilt about it as I know this will now be turned around and used at me as an abusive tactic. This person does have trauma. I’m afraid for their mental well being.

[@Jahtutson]

(July 12, 2024) Three years ago "I'm so happy to be at 300 subscribers. Thank you so much!" 🤣 Today: 260,000 subscribers. You must be doing something right. I think I'll stick around. Congratulations! 😊

[@nellsmith9721]

My ex was scathing with his verbal abuse ..... he used to call me a c**t ... because he knew this was the word I found most offensive... he enjoyed to use it more .....plus many other horrible things ... he used to shout me down if I tried to speak, or swear at me threatening to punch me in the face & leave .... I was just joking .... yes I heard that so many times ...😢 he used to leave & ignore me for months at a time .. even when I was pregnant .... I miscarried... all he did was talk about me & started a rumour mill he totally ignored me .... it was so hurtful .... he shamed me so often ... I can’t remember lol 😂 this was constant .... I never did this or that .... if I did it was your fault I did it I was only there because I was upset with you .... he broke his tooth once by shouting c**t in my face 😢 verbal abuse & the threat of physical abuse is horrid to live with ... I’m free now but it was a very hard thing to go through & very self destructive ...

[@Alphacentauri819]

I am so sorry, about all the pain, the lack of being treated with love and kindness. I hope you have some healing, validating connections in your life. I’ve realized that we attract (and will tolerate) at the level we see ourselves. So, if we have a core wound of unworthiness, we attract people who treat us as unworthy. Once we heal that (and any other core wounds) we no longer tolerate that, as it doesn’t resonate with how we see ourselves. Your exes behavior shows that he had a lot of self hatred, that he poured out on others, you. If he loved himself, he couldn’t treat others that way. Also, if we deeply love ourselves, we won’t tolerate that behavior. We see our needs and boundaries as valid, and leave situations that don’t honor them. We often have to do some deep healing work, heal our attachment trauma, reprogram our subconscious (which runs 95% of our choices in our lives), question our limiting beliefs, etc. Reparenting is powerful. Shadow work is powerful too. At first I was a little dismissive of those, but wow, they can really help. Learning emotional regulation tools can help too. I wish you connection, validating relationship (with yourself and others), healing, peace, love and light 💫💛

[@sarahcouture24]

This is a great one, I dig it. very helpful thank you! I really like how you listed a variety of different types of verbal abuse. Many of them seem, at least to me (because they are so normalized in my household) very subtle and almost undetectable because they are less direct. The less obvious ways are still dismissing the validity or credibility of the other person, only in a less blatant way. It’s not an overt attack, but more of an implied one. Still very hurtful. This information will really help me and my family to make improvements in the way we communicate. Thanks for identifying, explaining and describing each one so well in the video.

[@DrKimSage]

Thank you so much Sarah!🙏🏻🙏🏻 It's so true that it becomes "normal" in our homes, but, I agree, that doesn't make it less hurtful.

[@AutisticPhillip]

holy crap!(I didn't know that all of these were included in the definition) my grandma did almost every single one of these examples to me everyday when I was a kid before she died... ironically by the end I was waiting for her to die(and hoping she'd go screaming because of what she did to me(I hated her)) she made me think she loved me one minute and the next showed the exact opposite. I hated that it was cancer that took her because I wanted her to pay for what she did to me(in the end I still cried because of the immense confusion and because deep down I still loved her no matter how much I also hated her(I still had to grieve))

[@HotSeat17]

Sounds exactly like my narcissistic older sister, who gaslights me constantly, along with all of the other forms of abuse you mentioned. She used to get violent with me until I told her I would call the police on her if she even gets in my personal space again. Long story short....I used to think it was just me until our younger brother killed himself. She has horribly damaged our self esteem and crushed our spirit so badly, that my brother and I have been in and out of counseling all our lives, contributing to mine and my brother's suicidal thoughts and attempts all our lives. I am now 70 years old. My brother committed suicide in his late 50's. No one ever spoke to our sister about her abuse towards us. Our parents thought she was the golden child. Don't do this to your children, and if you see abuse SPEAK UP!!!!

[@chrismorpher7439]

I was verbal abused by my former shiftleader for the past 7 years. She would inappropriately touch me. My former coworkers would also harass and abuse me too. My former boss sat there and allow this nonsense to happen. It left visible wounds. I'm at a new job and I'm doing lot better

[@user-hu9bh8ww1y]

wow

[@tommyparkerparker]

I had a few superiors like that. Yelling and threatening for no apparent reason.

[@keithrosalindmumphreyrosal8489]

Thank you, per Rosalind T.

[@merisibunker9719]

My mom has done this for years.....but lately she's doing it a lot. I do not want to believe that I am being verbally abused. If it is verbal abuse I will not call it that.

[@KenniKaye]

Another fantastic video. Thank you for the validation I have been yearning for for 40 years. On a side note: your profile photo looks like Kristen Bell.

[@DrKimSage]

Thank you Kenni!💕 You deserve validation, today and every day.🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@debbiegaines1362]

How about coaches?

[@DrKimSage]

💕💕💕Hi All! This is a quick video about all the ways we can be on the receiving end of verbal abuse...each one by itself isn't necessarily abusive, but when we experience these behaviors by those we care about, especially in a pervasive way, it can be devastating to our sense of self, self esteem and to how we see our voice and value in the world. What do you think is the most hurtful type of verbal abuse?

[@cindyreeves5048]

The CONSTANT NEGATIVE, FAULT-FINDING, CRITICAL, JUDGMENTAL & WORDS OF DEATH. All these 15 things on the list are equally

[@MrBtorres007]

How about real solutions????

[@Alphacentauri819]

Learning how to self validate, by incorporating your own needs and boundaries. Refuse to self invalidate any longer. We self invalidate by staying in toxic dynamics. When we are our own self advocate, that’s self validation, we state what we need and what we won’t tolerate…and follow through.

[@hamdiali871]

Pinpointing everything nd ltille them

[@rezwanmahmudpathan5365]

What is Criticism,, if may i ask,,,,

[@courtneyh9153]

My life right now. 😢. According to my man I’m an asshol$, a piece of worthless sh%t, ugh just so much more. Ugh 😩

[@Alphacentauri819]

I’m sorry you are in so much pain. When we stay in those situations, we are colluding with self betrayal, self invalidation. It’s the opposite of advocating for self. If you had a sibling, a friend, in the same situation..,asking you about what they should do…would you suggest they stay? Or, would you see their infinite worth and suggest they leave. Would you feel they deserve happiness and a love (which starts with self) that supports, validates, their highest potential and safety? You deserve that as well. To stay is self invalidation. I hope you can heal, see your worth and go into situations that provide peace and well being.

[@kimlec3592]

@ Courtney H : read all you can. Distance yourself emotionally if you cannot actually separate. Strength to you.

[@leobeaupre858]

My partner is hearing all of this, two 🐦 with one stone

[@amandaj8028]

What else is left after all these things? Nobody can be all positive all the time right? lol

[@merisibunker9719]

I am trying to be positive and not tell my mom she's hurting me to the point of verbal abuse. I'm brushing my feelings under the rug. I don't believe you can stay positive. Not when you're around a toxic person

[@deadbeats4417]

yeah no one's perfect