Should I Have a Baby?

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When you think about it, it is very weird that most people get the choice of whether or not to create another another human being, but I'm very happy we live in a world where we do (mostly) get to make that choice. And, frankly, I'm not super good at decisions. Katherine and I can't decide where to go for dinner most nights, let alone whether we want to un-alterably change our lives forever.
But now that I've been a parent for BASICALLY NO TIME AT ALL but while I'm still a little bit capable of remembering what my life was like before I was a dad...I just wanted to share some thoughts.
-- Hank
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[@CAl3vara]

So I think it's important to also point out Hank that while many people experience that super joy "this is awesome" love you are feeling right now, not everyone does right away. Postpartum depression exists for both parents and for parents that don't immediately fall head over heels in love with their child, they can feel broken and horrified at their own reactions because everyone is supposed to have this magical baby experience. Having children is not cookie cutter for everyone and that's the real magic of parenting. It's not a recipe you follow to make good grown ups, it's being tossed out of an airplane with a hang glider in the middle of a hurricane and finding the right current that gets you to land.

[@vlogbrothers]

Yes...I will also say that I didn't right away. I felt way more attachment to my wife than to my baby. When the nurses were like "Do you want to see the baby" (he had been taken away because he had a little fluid in his lungs) I was like, "And leave Katherine? Hell no." I have know both moms and dads who didn't feel real attachment to their kids for more than a year. For me, it was a couple months before I actually felt like I loved him. Before that, I just felt very compelled to care for him, and I thought he was cute...but newborns are pretty blank before they start smiling. But it's different for everyone, and that's vital to know.

[@MichiruEll]

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[@07meganann]

So very true. I just felt so overwhelmed that it was so hard to process all my emotions. Being over the top tired on top of that just made it all the more difficult. Man, that first 6 weeks is a doozy! My husband and I looked at each other so many times and said, "why did we do this, our life was so much better before we had this human!"

[@nerdlife6676]

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[@ClimbaRock5]

Also important to point out: even without postpartum depression it's possible that you won't be immediately head over heels in love with your baby. With my first it was kind of like "Hey, I like this little person," which gradually grew into the crazy love I have now. I was seriously weirded out by my second for the first few hours of his life because he wasn't who I expected, but as I got to know him the weirdness went away and the crazy love came. Everyone's experience is different, and that's ok. Edit: Oh, I guess Hank just said basically that. Shoulda read the replies >.

[@zcmini000]

*Reads title* ... who's gonna tell him?

[@livneedsfriends1249]

"Adorable Biscuit Man" is probably the best name for a baby I have ever heard.

[@vlogbrothers]

He looks like he's made of biscuits.

[@williamwhitworth4241]

I was mid sip when he said that and i almost spit everything I had in my mouth on to my computer.

[@CookieCreamCrumble]

i think the sleep deprivation is getting to you hank

[@jakeov1]

When he said "I'm sorry you don't get to see this face every single day like I do" I just smiled so much, and thought, that's probably what I'm gonna be like as a dad I hope. Also adorable biscuit man sounds like a baby name Linz DeFranco would use :D

[@delaneysays]

livneedsfriends I laughed out loud when he said that

[@wheezywaiter]

Noted.

[@gracemordor8144]

WheezyWaiter Hi.

[@avagreen9060]

Craig, please have a kid. It will be the most adorable human on earth. Maybe it'll even be born with a beard.

[@avagreen9060]

Pam Fox I totally forgot about that video for some reason.

[@ethan-loves]

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[@38bfd67]

WheezyWaiter +

[@KeepingInTouch]

So hank wants me to send him 378 olives is what I'm getting from this

[@skylerwitherspoon]

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[@ninamarie177]

Keeping In Touch today's sponsors are olives! Olives - tiny green balls of evil or extremely delicious? You decide!

[@darcieanderson7169]

Keeping In Touch +

[@KeepingInTouch]

also sponsored by babies! Babies- they poop, pee, cry, and make you feel good all at the same time!

[@mcmonigold]

Keeping In Touch 378 bottles* of olives

[@Peanutbetter27]

"This is not an endorsement of having a kid. It is an endorsement of doing hard things." And here I was under the impression that doing hard things was a step in having a kid.

[@incongruence1917]

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[@vlogbrothers]

PeanutBetter27 I'll allow it.

[@anxplodinturtle7928]

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[@Persnikity-yv3nh]

PeanutBetter27 Buh dum tsh

[@JakeEnglishVS]

FUDGE ME, you beat me too it. Dang.

[@fossforever512]

Crash course: Parenting I'd watch it!

[@jodinha4225]

Its_ Me Episode 4 economics. Only spoken words. You will have money.

[@TheBeccabus]

Its_ Me have you seen How to dad? it's not that practical, but it sure is funny

[@fossforever512]

TheBeccabus nope but now I need to look it up xD

[@Alex-ki1yr]

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[@camelopardalis84]

A channel like that would actually be a great thing. There are a lot of peculiar and freaky things people - including (prospective) parents - don't know about infants/toddlers/children/teens. And this ignorance much too often leads to nasty things.

[@PearlAlex]

"Caring so much it hurts" *looks towards mom and dad* really? me? but i'm.. a shit head

[@casemckinley3841]

Pearl Alex +

[@gnarthdarkanen7464]

... OR blame your parents for making you a shit head... OR... do what I do and blame Rome... It's usually at fault if you just look hard enough long enough... Damn Caesar anyways... :o)

[@dalebrimhall1071]

this was the funniest thing i've read today, thanks for making my day!

[@surajbhat5447]

gnarth d'arkanen this is perhaps the best thing I’ve read in a long time. Thank you, good sir

[@emsmorningglory]

My first thought when I saw the title was "It's a bit late to start asking yourself that question, Hank."

[@peregrination3643]

I thought he was already contemplating another, lol.

[@omgitsyelhsa13]

I thought I was being recommended an older video from last year that I had missed 😂

[@OAmoretNoctis1Izzy]

emsmorningglory +

[@abeta201]

My first thought when I was a tile was: "Why are so many people stepping on me?" Sorry! I couldn't help myself.

[@Beaver1224]

1:50 - You mention enjoying (and knowing you were going to enjoy) having a Katherine/Hank hybrid person. I find (as I suspect you will) that it pales in comparison to when he starts being uniquely himself. Some of the greatest joys I have experienced are the times when one of my boys expresses his own unique personality in a way that is neither me or my wife. It's kind of amazing.

[@xingmei818]

Thank you for saying this. My mom and my dad always always think that I'm either or both of them. They tend to forget that I am not them, and that I am a separate human being with my own mind and my own fate. It's so hard to be parents and I seriously don't know why anyone would want to be one. I'm just thankful my parents haven't disowned me yet.

[@sarahpowell6617]

What a cool perspective, I love that!

[@neighbourhoodgal]

Oh Hank. My favorite thing about being a parent is that heart-swelling-caught-in-your-throat feeling when they learn to do something new. Rolling over, new words/phrases/idioms, walking, riding a bicycle, and (this one comes much later): showing compassion/concern for the well-being of another human. My oldest just turned 14, and a week or so ago, his significant human was having a hard day, so he rode his bike to the store, picked up some candy and a soda and then rode to the school where she was finishing her sports practice. I just stood there and stared at the door after he left, just so very honored to be one of his witnesses and guides.

[@khushibhagat6483]

'Biscuit Man'? I'm gonna call my baby that.

[@jmitterii2]

My sister and law came up with a bunch of fun ones for my niece that I used: Queen bee, missy moo moo, etc. My own was baby fluff, and fluff head, and fluffy (she had blond fluffy curly hair as she got older, and she's a fluff head).

[@bdhesse]

It depends on what you do. If you buy the kids new designer clothes and have them in a ton of events, it's going to cost more. But there are ways to keep costs low, and it's important to keep in mind that kids don't need to do and have everything. It's also possible to save up for things that you deem important. Like college. Putting money away over the course of several years makes it an easier pill to swallow.

[@ScottKorin]

Kinda late to ask this question, Hank.

[@rachaelriddle3526]

This was my thought before I hit play.

[@ninjaesther]

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[@chloebaumstark7992]

Scott Korin I thought the exact same thing when I read the title lol

[@jimisru]

Heterosexism means never having to ask difficult questions about breeding and habitat overshoot. because parenting is magic...

[@AlmiraBat]

James Ru p Pretty sure all the same things can be said if you're adopting, too.

[@DamonAndJo]

"Adorable biscuit man" is the best nickname for a baby...EVER.

[@jilliangrace2]

I personally do not want to have kids, and being a woman I'm always looked down on because of this. It's very frustrating that people think that it's fine when men don't want to have kids, but that it is a woman's job on earth to produce a child and that if you don't want one, you don't have any potential. It is a personal decision, I firs off have a lot of health issues that I don't want to pass down to a child and will also become insanely more complicated once I put my body through a pregnancy. Also, I love the spontaneity of my life and the fact that if I wanted to I could just pick everything up one day and go somewhere else and with a child, you can't do that. Thirdly, I have personally watched my parents loose 2 of their 4 kids prematurely and it is something I never, ever want to go through.

[@TykoBrian7]

Jillian Howell Which country are you from?

[@arefallout]

Jillian Howell Trust me men who don't want kinds are looked down on too.

[@thijsjong]

Yup

[@marlonyo]

where is this mythical place where it is fine and okay for men don't wanting to have kids because my family is not that place at all

[@sophieluvsbooks2629]

It is just generally more accepted for men to not be into the whole baby thing. Yeah it's still a pressure that they face. Not going to deny that. But well it's a long complicated history of "gender roles" and all that stuff. I mean women are the ones who grow the baby in their bodies and then birth them out of their bodies. Obviously there are probably more reasons as to why it's more frowned upon for women(which I don't think is a bad thing). But I'm sorry for you and any other guy who feels pressure to have kids.

[@samigivens9959]

This is how I feel about my nephew. I am absolutely terrified of the idea of another human relying on me to not die 24/7 but also sometimes I'm just like "everybody stop what you are doing and admire this dumpling" which makes me think "I want one" but then the oh shit what about SIDS what about our unsustainable lifestyles and I just cuddle the nugget instead.

[@TheSisicool]

Sami Damitz I am very averse to the idea of having a baby myself but I just can't stop canoodling my little nugget of a niece when she's around. But as far as taking care of a little human is concerned, I think I'll take a pass.

[@Lilitha11]

That is the best thing about nephews and nieces. You can play with them, spoil them, have your fun, and then at the end of the day you can go home and don't have any stress.

[@vegancomicnerd86]

Yes, exactly! I'm pretty sure I don't want to be a parent myself, but I've been an aunt for a little over a month and I'm already so excited to have this lovely little human in my life, and holding him and staring at him is the best thing ever. (And then going home and not having to be completely responsible for his life I guess.)

[@kateh7484]

I have always known that I do not want to be a parent. I truly hate people telling me I'll change my mind, I'm 38 I am not going to change my mind.

[@ThatOneAwkwardFangirl]

Kate H Good for you for knowing what you want and not letting people pressure you to change your mind. Being a parent isn't for everyone, just like being a scientist, teacher, author, or anything else isn't for everyone 😊👍

[@Skip6235]

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[@rachel8216]

YES! You do you. I'm super proud of you. Like Hank said, being a parent is insanely important. And if you decide that's not for you, I don't understand why other people try to tell you that it is for you.

[@yourbuttcrack]

Yeah, what I liked about this video was that he said it wasn't for everyone. It's really important that people like me who would be really unhappy as a parent do not end up with that much responsibility for another human being's entire life. It's always nice when people talking about the benefits of parenting understand that.

[@rachaelriddle3526]

Okay! :)

[@AnnoyingGhostBat]

The thought of having a tiny human growing inside me and then making sure it grows up to be a decent human and part of society is enough to give me a tremendous anxiety. Noooo thanks, I'll adopt a puppy or a cat.

[@knowsy_parker]

Sure, whatever makes you comfortable and you should always be allowed to make that choice and decide for yourself. But please, don't let fear decide for you, and don't let your (probably false) feeling of incompetence to guide you. Because, no matter how much you think yourself incapable, as your child learns - you do too. And making mistakes is an essential part of parenthood. What matters is just your willingness to minimize them and work through them. It's more about wanting to know, than it is about knowing.

[@brandondenney2788]

​@@knowsy_parker I don't that's fear deciding. I think it's a perfectly legitimate reason to not have children, and you're being so dismissive of their desires to adopt animals. Maybe stay out of people's reproductive decisions, hm?

[@ebonyvanderkolk7537]

All I think of when I see a pregnant person is the movies "Alien" or "Aliens". And legit get a irony/blood taste in my mouth. Not for me. No sir.

[@chaeburger]

I'm glad that you enjoy it, Hank. I would rather cut my own hand off 127 hours-style than birth a child. But I'm happy for you!

[@Benspi]

On the diseases part, being in medicine makes it so much worse. Like ok, most people know of how a baby can become sick or not be well so don't get me wrong, but there are sooooooo many things that can go wrong during development that it is amazing how most of us come out without any defects. The sheer complexity of the entire process from conception to birth makes you realise that if one small thing goes wrong, it would turn out to be a nightmare. One of the things that did scare me whilst studying and learning about such things is everything is in such a fine balance and things can go horribly wrong. And knowing that depth of information makes it, I believe, much scarier for me personally to take that potential step later in life.

[@Corey5268]

I took a developmental psychology class that I privately referred to as "1001 ways to accidentally ruin a baby's life forever."

[@Razbeariez]

As a 21 year old woman the number of times discussions end up on the topic me having a child in the future is increasing quite quickly (which is really weird for me since I am very single.) And the more that subject gets brought up the more I just want to scream "I don't know!" And have them shut up. So anyway thanks for this food for thought Hank. It's interesting to hear this perspective.

[@meggangrist2285]

this was the single most adoreable Hank video ever.

[@FaeLunaMoonShiner]

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[@thewolfofthestars1847]

This one is def at the top of the list... But have you watched Hank the Drunk Princess yet

[@heatherhardy5720]

I think it should be noted that obviously wanting a kid is not always enough. There are financial and social burdens that play into the decision for actually making a baby. These things, I feel, should always be said: "Don't have a baby unless you are more than mentally ready" This doesn't even get into infertility, which is what I have. Those added stressed make these kinds of videos extra hard. Regardless, I'm happy some people get to feel that joy. Even if I do not.

[@kadeecramer]

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[@rachel8216]

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[@ThePrimevalVoid]

Heather Hardy I feel like when John made his video on how to make a baby, he says something on the lines of just because you think a baby is cute doesn't mean you should have a baby.

[@karatepop]

There is no "mentally ready". Even if you mean "ready" in the sense that you take care of your mental health.. there is no ready. Nothing, not even years and years of severe insomnia, could prepare me for getting no more than 45 minutes of sleep, per day, for over a month. Nothing could have prepared me for getting no more than two hours of uninterrupted sleep for 2.5 years. Nothing could have prepared me for the horrendous postpartum anxiety, or the tremendous pressure to provide a future for a human being, or the feeling of being 100% responsible for another person's life. You don't have to be financially stable to have a baby. Is it irresponsible to PLAN a baby if both of you are unemployed, don't want jobs, and live on the street? Sure. But there is no financial requirement. The middle class are not the only people allowed to have children.

[@moongem4489]

Heather Hardy She never said anything about being middle class...

[@TheFreeLanguageProject]

I love that you said that your wife is your favorite person in the world ❤ You sound like a great husband and dad! 🙂👍

[@BenandJessQT]

heck, his wife sounds like a gret person! he's just acknowledging it :)

[@BangsLiekWhoa]

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[@annakilifa331]

...if she wasn't his favourite person, why would they be married?

[@-Teague-]

@@annakilifa331 someone being your "favorite" isn't necessarily a romantic thing

[@annakilifa331]

@@-Teague- of course not. My comment only implied the opposite, that if you *are* married it would be to your favourite person.

[@alysonkay8304]

The problem of regret for parents is a thing that should not be overlooked. Yes, it can be great, but becoming a parent is a permanent decision that isn't universally good. We don't know exactly how many parents regret becoming parents because there's a stigma attached to that. But it isn't zero percent. We do know that there are parents who regret their children and adult children who have parents who regretted having them, thanks to anonymous forums. And we know that it hurts both parents and children if the parents regret their choice.

[@RyanStorey1231]

This. My older sister has two daughters- oldest just turned six, youngest is three. My sister married into a staunch conservative fundamentalist evangelical Christian family, so her husband insisted that she homeschool their children. My sister agreed, but I wonder if she really had a say in the matter. Growing up, I never perceived my sister as the maternal type. She hated kids (including me, admittedly as a kid) and she hates affection or prolonged physical contact of any kind. That's not to say that she was disaffected or morbid, quite the contrary, but she isn't the compassionate, comforting type. So when she had children, I was curious to see how she would do it. Surprisingly, for the most part, she has done very well and she is a good mother. But a couple of months ago, she had a complete breakdown and it was traumatic to watch. She felt such a huge pressure to be the perfect Christian wife and mother to her kids, and she felt like she never got any solitude. And she doesn't. Her children are hyperactive and needy and obstinate. She isn't the best at controlling them, despite her authoritative approach. Add to the fact that because they're homeschooled, they are with her literally 24/7 while her husband works three jobs and gets to partake in athletic runner stuff on the side (he was on American Ninja Warrior a couple of years ago, actually - it was cool). She has no life outside of her children and I can tell that she feels trapped. I don't know if she meant this, but I think she did... She flat-out admitted that she doesn't like her children in her emotional outburst. "I love them, but I do not like them and I'm sick of everyone asking me when I'm gonna have another one! I don't want anymore freaking kids! They're terrors! I feel like such a horrible mom for saying this, but it's true! I can't stand them." I felt so sorry for her. Then she said, "If Sean [husband] would let me send them to public school, I could get some peace and actually have a life." This indicates to me that she had very little say in that matter. Anyway, she took some anxiety medication and she seems to be doing better, but I do worry about her. I know she loves her children and she's not a bad mother, but it's very clear that she does not enjoy being a mother and I truly believe that she regrets getting married and having children at such a young age (she got married out of high school; had first daughter when she was 21). She was never the maternal type and I wonder if she only got married and had children because... "well, what else am I gonna do. That's what women do, right?" It's funny, because on Facebook she posts pictures of her children and gushes about how much of a blessing her children are. But in real life, I don't see that. I see a young woman who is perpetually stressed, gets no help from her husband because he's busy working and trying to fulfill his athlete dreams (what about her dreams?), and is on the verge of a breakdown every time I see her. I love my nieces, but they have convinced me to not have children. Of course, as the father, I can just opt out of actually helping raise the child and foist it off on my wife while using the excuse that I have to work and practice my stupid hobbies. [sarcasm]

[@Lily-xg4xl]

My mom has verbally told my brothers and I "If I didn't know you, but knew what hell I would go through raising you, I would have never had kids, I love you guys, but I still would have never had kids.." umm.....thanks?

[@RetryAgainAgain]

It seems to me that your sister's husband was unintentionally emotionally abusive, at least at first. It doesn't sound like he's a terrible person, but it does sound like your sister trapped herself into a toxic relationship with someone who's beliefs were incompatible with her best interests.

[@SylviusTheMad]

How do you make this decision? Badly. There's no way you're going to have the information you will later wish you had had. Parenting is an incredible and in many respects awful experience. You won't understand the good parts, and you won't fathom the bad parts, and as such you won't be able to make an intelligent or informed decision about it. How risk-averse are you? That's the question that matters, because having children introduces risk - both upside and downside risk - into your life. If you're not okay with that level of risk, think hard about what you might be about to do.

[@Lily.valkyrie]

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[@slightlysmall]

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[@Yahntia]

My approach to fatherhood was having a vasectomy, followed by a sigh of relief.

[@Metroid250]

And then watch the tubes get loose by accident...worst possibility ever.

[@Tominzay]

Sameeee

[@penname8441]

As someone who has metaphorically adopted teenagers before (i cannot legally because of complicated reasons), parenting is hard, but it is so fucking worth it and the challenges that come along with it are some of the most rewarding and complicated that i have ever faced but i don't regret a thing. I realize this all sounds quite strange, but the tldr; version is that sometimes biofamilies are abusive and crappy so if you can and are willing to step in and offer to reparent a kid, please do. please do. especially if their parents have disowned them because they are lbgtq

[@isaacs8783]

Pen Name well said man! A girl in my form group is fostered cause her parents were basically hoarders and it wasn't an acceptable place for a kid to live. Cat and animal crap everywhere apparently

[@penname8441]

holy butts i didn't expect anyone to notice this comment, thanks a lot

[@hannaho9471]

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[@wilyriley_]

it’s been six years and this has never rung more true than now, especially with the last sentence, especially with trans kids, and especially in states that are eradicating the care they - we - need

[@groovypullet2337]

as a Brit whose definition of biscuit is different from yours, I now imagine Orin as being very flat and crunchy with both eyes on one side. or maybe the edge?

[@docnevyn5814]

There's no edge!

[@groovypullet2337]

I'm sure he means the universe to Hank, so...quite so.

[@JoshuaHillerup]

My pros and cons list was totally different. The intense social isolation that came with having kids was the worst for me.

[@TJtheBee]

I don't feel like I should ever be a parent, not just because I don't want to tie myself to a child for 18+ years, but also because I don't want to be the abusive parent. It's been running in my family for at least two generations of not more; I'm ready to end it.

[@TJtheBee]

...end the cycle of abuse. Not anything else. XD Wow that came out wrong.

[@fishsick]

knowing is the first step to changing. serious depressive issues run in my family, but i hope by being the first to really understand this i can help my soon to be young one if they suffer as i and previous generations have.

[@TJtheBee]

Absolutely. I'm in a similar boat; I have anxiety primarily, but my mom's never gotten it, hence some of the abuse. But that's the one thing I have going for me, is understanding what it is and how I can handle it. It's a work in progress, but at least from that aspect, I wouldn't be worried. Really I'd be best just raising an older child than having one from birth. (Not to mention pregnancy sounds...painful.)

[@MagicalSoulMindStorm]

I already care so much it hurts. I care about my family. I care about animals. I care about nature and wildlife, a lot. Always have had a high level of empathy and caring. Surprises me others don't.

[@Holtza]

My biggest fear in relation to this would be to NOT care so much it hurts. I'm also not opposed, nor particularly enthusiastic, about the prospect of getting a child - but what if I stay that way after setting a tiny human to the world? Though I used to feel a similar indifference about dogs, and that changed to the point where I can't carry out a conversation if I see a dog closeby, as that will be the focus of most of my attention. So maybe one day I will gain a similar enthusiasm for babies.

[@slightlysmall]

I grew up around kids and always wanted them. When my daughter was born, I either had PPD or some other issue where I didn't bond with her right away. I wanted to take care of her, but I distinctly remember spending much of my 10 weeks of maternity leave staring at her wondering what I got myself into. By the time she was about 18 months and a "real person" with opinions and something she could give back, I was quite in love. Now that she's approaching three, I'm finally starting to feel the immense "care so much it hurts" kind of love. I was surprised it took me so long, but she was absolutely worth it for the immensity of my love for her now. I have a 17-month-old son, too, and it was awful when he was a baby because I was reaching the caring stage with my daughter (they're 18 months apart), and while I actually felt more connected to him as a newborn than I did to my daughter as a newborn, he frustrated me so much as a baby I worried I wouldn't grow into that immense love. But it's showing up. I imagine it will be fully present by the time he's 2.5 or 3, too, as it is with my oldest. (All that said, I have a sister who's adamantly opposed to having children, who worries her mental health issues wouldn't allow her to be the kind of mother she would want to be. And I believe her. Like so many have said, parenting is different for everyone.)

[@iammrbeat]

Dad here. Can confirm it's all true. Being a Dad is horrifying and perfect, often at the same time.

[@lizkasper]

I have three daughters and one of the biggest lessons I've learned is that parenthood is the most extreme of everything. It's the most tired you've ever been, but it's also the most exhilarated. The most frustrating, but the most joyful. The most challenging, but the most rewarding. It's just all ends of the spectrum. I'm glad to hear you're enjoying it so far, Hank. It's quite a ride!

[@fuzzykiwi3]

This was adorable. The singing 😂

[@Sandyyyyyyyyyy]

Brooke Henry lol so true! I look forward to having a child and feeling much less embarrassment when I realize I broke out in song in a random place because I just couldn't help myself.

[@stanb8079]

Definitely We need more people like you and John.

[@stanb8079]

Daniel Peace Excuse me, but who are you and what is your problem?

[@Nightcoffee365]

I have never and do not want a child. I can not imagine a plausible future world leading on from this moment where that will change. Bearing this in mind, why do I catch so much hell for expressing it? I'm regularly lambasted with "oh that will change (future/right person [I'm married so that's combo insulting]/ when it happens)" like my desire to actively avoid having children is weird and foreign. It's like I'm met with an almost religious conviction that I should be having kids. Like "it's just a phase" (which has been said to me). It's not like I come down on people for having kids or anything. I do not want to spawn a kid. My wife has similarly stated she does not want a child. That should be the end of the discussion.

[@flyingshrimpgd5791]

Bennie Jackson I think everyone expects you to have children in the future since breeding is the predetermined "meaning of life" for every creature on earth, isn't it? But I have experienced the same thing, and I'm also 99% sure I will never have children although I'm only 17.

[@screamingperson8188]

I can't picture myself happy without having a kid. Not because kids are fun, they aren't, but I just have this existential dread that looms over me: that the only thing I can possibly contribute to the future of humankind is allowing my genes to continue on in the hopes that they will help achieve dreams of many other people in the world and hopefully beyond our world too. It sucks knowing I won't live to colonize planets beyond our solar system, but its reassuring to know that if I have a kid, my genetic code may be a part of such a future. If I have a kid, I won't be truly gone when I die. Having a kid means creating a legacy, I just can't accept my death without leaving behind evidence that I existed. While I could impact a lot of people with knowledge, art, or power, to leave of memory of myself in people for years and years to come, my actions are minuscule compared to the specific sequence of bases that can reproduce what I have done, as well as do more than I could ever do. I think of kids in an entirely different way than other people do.

[@Nightcoffee365]

Screaming Person This is absolutely beautiful. I feel we share an acknowledgment of the gravitas of being a parent. I suppose thinking of parenting is like staring into the time vortex; some are inspired, some run.

[@Sajirah]

I don't want kids either and I get ridiculed for the decision just as you do. It's honestly exhausting and you have my sympathy. Some people just don't know when to keep their opinions to themselves. I mean, not only do I not want kids but because of a disease I'm basically sterile. Don't these people know it's rude to ask such a question. Either someone doesn't have kids because they chose not to have them or they're unable to have them and you've now stirred up feelings and things they'd probably rather not discuss with random strangers. Moral of this story? Just don't ask why people don't have kids. Either way you're going to make an ass of yourself.

[@callies8907]

I think possibly because a lot of people say when they're 18 or 20 or even 30 that they for sure don't want kids and then those hormones wake up and they do, and then twenty years down the line when their kids say they don't want kids, they're like "lol sure." Maybe also because it's really, really hard to be sure about anything in life, seeing as how much and how drastically we change over the years. Idk, I dislike the expectation of children on everyone (especially women) but I definitely see where people are coming from when they say "well it'll change."

[@augustwogsland3309]

Loved this. Only sad we didn't get any shots of the Adorable Biscuit Man himself. :p

[@wittytoons4573]

Good point!)

[@abbyhowe8706]

"This...adorable... biscuit... man" 😂 Hank, I love you. Your son is so lucky to have you as a father.

[@FreqyBiker]

"this is an endorsement for doing hard things". and that kids, is how you were conceived

[@ninamarie177]

378... ayyyy podcast reference

[@avj8833]

Honestly, the passion in this video is adorable and I almost cried. I wish I had a dad like Hank. My dad's always been a selfish, cheating, money obsessed man so it's beautiful to see parents like this out there.

[@graladue]

One of the things I loved the most about having small children was watching them learn, think, and solve problems. Watching a human develop from what appears to be a very disorganized beginning is fun as hell.

[@v1ntagecassette]

"You do the hard thing, 'cause that's the right thing..."

[@EricaShand]

I'M NOT CRYING YOU'RE CRYING

[@Unassuming_Gay]

From spain with love: Olives are great.

[@robertoarauz9152]

Akato ghjjghuiii

[@alyssayoung7129]

Thank you so much for posting this! Like you were Hank, I am 50/50 about becoming a parent one day. This is probably my favorite video you've done yet!

[@murfy6661]

hank, i love my child, i enjoy being a mum, BUT, sometimes you do feel like cartmans mum when she tries to get an abortion 10 years later. kids are fun to watch as they learn and grow and discover the world. kids are also very demanding, can't do anything for themselves for ages, and the most frustrating part i've found is when there is something wrong but they can't TELL you whats wrong. so the guessing game begins. parenting is the hardest thing on the planet, some days i struggle, hide in the bathroom and cry while she eats her lunch, i ask why i had her, why am i so useless when it comes to her needs? why can't she just tell me what she wants? why can't i just go to sleep? (i havent had a decent nights sleep in over 2 years, even when i have a night off) it's a vicious cycle some days while others are absolute bliss. just gotta ride the unharnessed roller coaster and try not to fall out

[@secretsxdontxmake]

murfy6661 i hope you're feeling better by now. If not, you should seek out help. It sounds as if you were in a very low place.

[@Just_Haider_]

son: why did you want to have kids dad? dad: because xXx_69boi_xXx told me i sould have kids in the comments section son: ... what is my purpose...should i even exist, wtf

[@flyingshrimpgd5791]

_ WhereWolf_Engine _ 🌚

[@realrealwarpet]

its funnier when you think to yourself. "how did he say that guys name to his kid. Did he have to emphasize the captial x's? did he say underscore? did he say it like boye instead of normal boy."

[@Just_Haider_]

Warren Ward im guessing u have never watched an mlg video wherre they pronounce names like this

[@victoriawisniewski440]

I don't have kids. I don't want kids. I still don't want kids. But this made me happy.

[@aprildawnsunshine4326]

my favorite part of being a parent is watching their dreams and goals form and getting to help with that! the worst for me is knowing I messed up some big thing and not being able to fix it.

[@ShadyPossum]

for future videos, would it be possible to move the captions up a little bit? i try and pause to read it all but then the time bar and options appear over top of it =(

[@OctagonalGolbat]

Olives are great, dude

[@vlogbrothers]

POISONOUS TURD FRUITS!

[@Stevonicus]

TuneLola We need John's opinion.

[@rareroe305]

+vlogbrothers But are we talking about green olives, black olives, other olives, or all olives?

[@MarinaFerreiras]

nooo they are terrible

[@AzuriteCoast]

TuneLola -

[@birthdaygirl1126]

I agree wholeheartedly with Hank. As someone who is not a parent, but an aunt for the first time, I know exactly how he feels. The first time I held him I didn't think I could ever love someone as much as I love him. He's about to turn 1 and that feeling hasn't changed. I love just looking at him and when he smiles at me my heart hurts so much in the best way. I can only imagine how much stronger it is once I'm actually a parent. I can't wait until I'm ready to make that decision. Thank you Hank for being such a wonderful person and I hope Orin grows up to be as good (or better) of a person as you.

[@GirlAboutLibrary]

I LOVE THIS. I share so many of these feelings about my 19 month old and it is so cool to hear you talking about the same feelings. Doing hard things was and is everyday, totally worth it.

[@NemoHoes]

How would i know if you should have a baby......i am saving my virginity for divorce

[@EvilMeans]

No, a lot of them ARE making it up. There are literally entire communities of people who hate that they had children. But you're not allowed to talk about that in society. Especially women.

[@emomz]

As a new mum (4 months in!), you are so spot on. It's crazy hard, but so amazing. My favourite unexpected pro is definitely how darned interesting it is watching another human discover the world. I LOVE watching my daughter learn so much!

[@aliisakalma8245]

0:59 rapgod

[@ohwellwhateverr]

0:16 The thing is, so many people don't treat reproduction as a tremendous decision. They just do it because they've been socially pressured into believing it's somehow abnormal and deficient to remain childless. But choosing to give life to a new human being is one of the biggest decisions you can ever make, and it requires the potential parents to be responsible, willing and capable of giving that child the love and protection it needs. There are far too many people in this world who simply should not be parents. Having children is a privilege, not a right.

[@imaginepageantvideos]

Thank you for this. The feeling like you're not doing it right and that you can't do it at all is something I never heard other parents talk about, and I was entirely unprepared for those feelings when I had my first child last summer. I still feel them every day. Every single day. And it can be really overwhelming. It's reassuring to hear another new parent is feeling the same way.

[@movingforwardLDTH]

Brought back so many feels from when my kids were little. Now that they’re in their early 20s & trying to navigate life in this time of COVID, I have some additional insight for those pondering whether or not to take on this challenge: The worrying about not being able to help/fix/keep-them-safe does *not* go away once you are no longer “responsible” for them. Well, the day-to-day (feed/clothe/get them to school) worries do, but the bigger things get harder. You love them & want them to continue growing as adults, so you recognize & honor their independence ... and, at the same time, you struggle with the helplessness of not being able to stop the bad stuff from coming at them. It is HARD....REALLY HARD.... even moreso when you no longer live in the same state, let alone the same house. And yes, I would do it all over again if I could. ❤️❤️❤️

[@TheBigTiny]

Don't forget, if you can't afford a baby, you can buy a puppet and treat it like a baby

[@MusiCaninesTheMusicalDogs]

It wouldn't be prudent to put a child in the world who would have someone as me as a father. That's why I'm not going to have any kids.

[@jillianm8958]

Someone commented to do a crash course parenting AND HOLY CRAP PLEASE DO IT

[@akhil3309]

after graduating from your college of crash course in going to be a dad this year thank you...... love how you think about things everyday everything

[@joox1184]

DUDE. OLIVES ARE AMAZING. Also, good video.

[@ajsommer1]

I got a vasectomy at 22, and one of the big reasons I don't want kids is one I figured Hank would share, so I was surprised he chose to have a kid, and I'm sad he didn't address it. There are so many things I want to do in my life that I simply can't do them in one lifetime, and a child would make it even harder to do those things. Hank seems to be the type who also likes to do lots of different things, and having a child must get in the way of doing them. Surely over time there will be projects he wants to do that he can't because he has to take care of the kid(s). I understand why parents don't want to talk that way, since it can very easily come off as hating their kid (which is false, you can love them and still wish you had more time to do things), but the vlogbrothers seem to be pretty honest about their opinions. I suspect that the child represents a new project, and he just hasn't run into this issue yet. I'd be interested to see if it does in the next 5 years or so.

[@CaptainPIanet]

He probably just valued having a child as a net positive, despite the fact that he will be limited in other, future projects.

[@ajsommer1]

Probably, but I'm curious why it wasn't listed as a concern he had going in, or one of the negatives. Surely that's a bigger deal to him than being puked on.

[@CaptainPIanet]

Ah, that's true. I'm surprised too then. That definitely should've gotten some sort of mention, especially with the amount of pots Hank has his hands in. There's no way that's something he didn't consider.

[@bilaljones3635]

ajsommer1 I'm really curious about all the goals you have for your life. 'Cause off the top of my head, all of the most accomplished individuals I can think of ( tech innovators, champion athletes, business tycoons, universally acclaimed artists) have children. Not trying to condemn your decision. Your body is your prerogative but if your only hang up is that you think kids will take away from your ability to achieve your goals, that might not be the case.

[@ajsommer1]

Bilal Jones It's more than just that. There's many reasons I don't want kids, but most of the others I don't think would apply as much to Hank, so I wouldn't expect him to address them.

[@TakeTheRedOne1st]

It blew my mind how completely accurate this was. You just put all my feelings into words 😮

[@ihopethisnameisfree]

For me, one of the wonderful parts of being a parent is seeing the world anew through my sons' eyes. They notice things I don't because they are children, and they encourage me to try new things that I discover I enjoy.

[@DeFaulty101]

ADOPT! So many kids without parents...

[@pepper70788]

Wolfgang Kenshin soooooo expensive in America (30k +) Not available to many people.

[@KatherinePierce_81]

Wolfgang Kenshin I would consider that I don't wanna have my own kids

[@isaacs8783]

Wolfgang Kenshin I know! Why add to the world scarily increasing world population when you can take in a child who is scared and unloved. not trying to scare expecting mothers or anything

[@Shardok42]

Samantha Anne Foster care then. A lot of kids that are in Foster care need great new parents and the systems in place are usually willing to help with the adoption process should you ever choose that path. They also help out with the costs of the child too.

[@Shardok42]

Amber Shoffren The world population is rising and at a faster rate, but... The areas where it is worst are starting to become better places for people to live. Increasing wealth has been shown numerous times to help curtail increasing population and current theory is that the world population may never reach the purported 13 billion once projected for 2050. Of course, this relies on continued support for aid to those countries as well as combatting threats to that aid.

[@JaysonMcLeod]

As a Canadian I love how universal the topics in vlogbrothers is. So much on KZbin is UScentric because most of the youtubers I watch happened to be from there and to be honest I don't really care that your country is falling apart. It's one of the reasons I find I am watching john Oliver less. I think he's funny, but I don't care about American politics. You know other than the impending world destruction

[@McDoggg]

You can say you're not personally interested that our country is falling apart, but to say you don't care about the millions of Americans who are going to suffer is kind of heartless and not super in-line with what nerdfighteria is about.

[@casemckinley3841]

Braden I think "not personally interested" is what OP meant, just bad wording. Also I agree with OP. I am a poli sci major living in the US and even I don't like the constant focus on Trump in our media. What was great about John Oliver is that he covers sort of obscure topics well, but now we can't go an episode of any late night show without 15 min on Trump.

[@Healermain15]

Yeah, the guy is a media vacuum. I get that he and his cronies are royally screwing everything up, and that the POTUS is generally A Big Deal, but we've been hearing about his awful antics in politics for literally years now. No wonder people are just utterly tired of the whole thing at this point. Though from a historical perspective, it's quite an interesting period. If you ask me, America is currently in decline, and I don't think it's going to recover. For someone who lived their entire life drenched in American culture, politics, economics and so on, these are certainly Interesting Times.

[@McDoggg]

He's only been President for four months, what are you talking about? And we need to stay informed on what's going on. Democracy dies in darkness.

[@Healermain15]

That alone is four months of near-constant idiocy, incompetence, and destructiveness coming from him, followed by a wave of outrage, political bickering and whatnot. And we're not just talking about his presidency. There was a 2-year election campaign going on before this, and Trump was one of, if not THE major speaking point during much of it. Trump isn't interesting enough to last a few weeks, let alone years.

[@BanthaWorship]

The singing thing is one of my favorite parts. Also dancing. You can dance anywhere so long as the baby is nearby. One time I forgot we did not have the baby with us (because when you spend 24/7 with the baby for 3 months then get an hour off, you totally forget you're alone), and was dancing at the grocery store and the looks I got were nothing like the looks I get when the baby is there too. LOL.

[@anjaguggenheim5557]

Hi Hank! Long time watcher here. Thanks for all the awesome vlogs. Was surprised that fitness as a parent wasn't mentioned at all! These are all pros and cons with you at the center and not much else 😑

[@sacrom5398]

*NO* CHILD SUPPORT IS A DEADLY LAZER

[@ayo-fy9bf]

No

[@justinwahe5798]

I'm glad for you. I'm also envious of you. But mostly I'm glad and I'm sure you're a terrific dad.

[@JemmyJoeAGoGo]

I'm excited for the PodCon. I live in Olympia, just south of Seattle, and do a podcast about Olympia, so this event is a no brained for me!

[@xiongrey19]

How do you feel about adoption. I'm interested in your views. I'm one of the unlucky few who are unable to make a child using my own DNA so adoption is all I have to become a mother, something that I very much want. My Fiancé is right there with me on the parenthood thing. So i'm curious what you think about adoption as it's different from making another human but the reasons are the same.

[@caylamullins2687]

I think the biggest "con" that I was totally not expecting is being absolutely terrified that something bad is going to happen, even if you do everything you can to prevent it. I'm 2 kids (ages 6 and 4) into this parenting thing and I still routinely get up in the middle of the night EVERY SINGLE NIGHT to go into their rooms and make sure they are still alive and breathing. I have never been a more paranoid person in all my life until I became a mother.

[@TheLilyMustang]

Thank you Hank for the vocalizing feeling like you can't do it. I been trying to push through that feeling so much.

[@matthewpoepoe3993]

No.

[@alexshih3747]

I like that this video is a bit more light-hearted than the other recent videos. The commentary on societal issues is both interesting and insightful, but it can sometimes get a bit too grim IMO. Also, tree-flesh? Hank is a cannibal, confirmed.

[@JAnt-hr1rc]

"Caring so much it hurts." Youve' got it. It is totally the best & worst part and still true for me and mine are 19 and 21. The pain I feel with they try and fail and thrill when they succeed beyond their expectations.

[@youyo182]

no

[@Kristonia69]

Oh my goodness, Hank! Where can I find a man that thinks like you do? Not only thinks in a similar fashion but also exudes and eloquently expresses his thoughts and emotions about parenthood? It is so becoming and I want that in my life from a partner.

[@briantimpe9843]

This. Thank you, Hank, for being able to sum all those feelings up in 4 minutes. I was terrified of having a child but now she's the best thing in my life.

[@courtney4128]

NO

[@PeterPanarchy]

One think Hank didn't mention that is the biggest factor in my feeling about having a kid is the lack of freedom it brings. I love having spare time. I love having entire days where I have no responsibilities. I love having those days being frequent and unplanned. I also enjoy just doing things whenever I want on a whim. Unplanned hiking trips, random nights out, etc. I don't want to plan ahead and home I can get a sitter. That kind of stuff impossible if you are a dad (well, a good dad) and is the biggest factor in my decision to not have kids.

[@Animebeauty13]

my daughter is turning 3 in a few weeks and to this day I find myself looking at her little face in wonder about this beautiful person who came from me. and how much I love her.

[@wilderwegrow]

BISCUIT MAN !!!!

[@glennhower9265]

Oh my goodness, Hank. As a Nerdfighter dad of a four year-old future Nerdfighter, I love you so much for this.

[@jstn167]

I'm in nearly the same boat as you, Hank, only my baby is a few months older. I love him so much and being a dad is the best thing in the world. I will say though, for people like my wife and I who decided to wait to have our first child (even while our younger siblings and all our friends were having them), that it is okay to wait. In fact, it makes it so much more rewarding because you will have gotten to spend more time with just you and your SO: getting to know each other and mature in your relationship. You will also be less broke if you wait till after college/grad school and jobs are established. Plus, you can travel a bit or spend a little time doing fun stuff with your time and money (that's not to say those things are impossible with a kid, but they are a little more rare).

[@L1ghtweaver]

"It's not made up, it's actually really great" he said, making it up.

[@trevelyne]

Nope

[@Hotcoffeepls]

Thank you Hank! I'm planning on having a kid soon and I'm so nervous but also incredibly excited.

[@akikoXelf]

You're so right about the stress of fearing the sickness/injury/death thing all the time. I kind of wish someone had prepared me for how much I would suddenly worry about the well-being of my child and how consuming that worry can at times become. It will come to me at random, this sudden, gripping fear that my child is not fine. And while it always passes, it never has become normal to me to feel this way. (Maybe I'm just a high anxiety person, though.) All I'm trying to say is no one prepared me for that and I feel like no one really talks about it.

[@funnyguy9711]

Dear God No.

[@JenCoYT]

I feel like all the pros you listed were valid but kind of inherently selfish like it just makes you feel good about yourself because you're doing this hard, normal, important rewarding thing in bringing up a child. I get that but I still don't think that's enough of a reason to have a child, I just think the world is changing so rapidly that I can't have faith that I would be capable of preparing a person for adulthood so it would be cruel for me to just give it a go because it would be rewarding for me.

[@JontyLevine]

Indeed, Hank makes a pretty poor case for it. For me, the flimsiness of the pros list actually made a more convincing case AGAINST having kids than any of the cons (which were all things I'd heard before).

[@elliottmcollins]

Kids in a loving, supportive home tend to turn out fine. They're durable creatures, despite their size, and whether they grow up okay isn't really up to their parents.