Want More Fulfilling Relationships? 3 Tips to Identify Your Emotional Needs - Terri Cole

[@terri_cole]

What are some emotional needs of yours that might be going unmet? Growing up, did you learn to bury your needs? I want to hear about your experiences + insights! Remember to download the guide for questions to dig deeper: www.terricole.com/3-tips-to-identify-your-emotional-needs-guide

[@crissycobain8361]

I think the thing I remember most about needs going unmet is that they were mostly dismissed.. my mom might have heard me a bit here and there but the biggest was her need to over rule if I had tried to stand up for myself when I was disciplined. She yelled actually quite a bit. Definitely triggered a flight reaction in me. Though I never left. Then I always learned to just keep the peace. My parents were divorced. While they kept the same discipline from one house to the next. He never read much drama into it. Sometimes he heard me out. It's weird to think of this now.. how powerful writing something down can be. But it's strange cause I have a close connection with my mom now and always kinda have. She's the one that kept food in the house aka snacks while my dad had nothing for snacks. I could talk to her almost always while my dad would lecture more. Guess I got a good deal of both of them. My daughter and I understand that we both have a hard time not building walls.. however I just now realized that as much as it may seem like walls..I think it might be what we feel it is but when in fact it is a "flight" reaction. And then in addition..I'm sure we probably put up walls. To this day.. I'm definitely a keep the peace sort of person. I never learned to stand up for myself cause she always had the last word. I think my sister had the opposite.. she lived with my dad and she is more voicetrecethen I am. My dad's got a big voice that carries. You never had to tell to get me to do something. Just asking once was enough. I was wired that way from the beginning I think. So it was very harsh to me if someone yelled at me.

[@lindagross1288]

I think I always lived in fear of my Mom. She was not very patient and I never felt heard or seen. I carried these unhealthy emotional needs into my relationships with men who were unavailable. I think I repeated the pattern I had at home growing up. LOts of therapy, your classes, your book, podcasts, and newslettershave really helped me. Coda meetings and therapy helped. But you explaoined the family of origin issues, etc. This has helped me overcome my low self esteem and co-dependency issues. Thank you for all the great work you do and how you make it easy for me to understand it and reveal it and then heal it. You are amazing!!

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much, Linda ❤️ I'm so glad my content has helped you in your journey! And I can relate as I felt that way with my dad, and also dated unavailable men as a result.

[@Martty_4]

Thanks Terri i grew up with a mother who emotionally and physically abused me. I struggled with academics and her beating me as a child left me inside a shell . Everytime I spoke up as a child she beat me up and my dad was also alcoholic and died. My heart goes out to kids who have lived with alcoholics. My mother was a people pleaser great to the world but crap to me

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending love your way ❤️

[@karoszaska]

I have an easier time identifying really big ones, but the small day to day stuff is really hard. Like I didn't even realize I have a need for order until you described a scenario I would be annoyed by, but if I were in that scenario - I wouldn't know why I am annoyed or how to describe it. Sigh...A need for order? That's what it's called? Wow. New vocabulary for me.

[@terri_cole]

It can be easier to identify the big things ❤️ For the small things, I recommend making a list of all the tiny annoyances you experience throughout the day. This will give you some hints. I'm glad my example helped ❤️

[@t_nels]

Thank you for linking this video.❤ Wow, just listening and thinking of my adult children, I see the needs for hugs. I think that is my need, the way I needed to self soothe. There was a time I didn't not want touch. I worked through intimacy with my current spouse but I can see how it may cause a sense of feeling self acceptance. I'm doing a bit of stream of consciousness thing.

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad it sparked something in you! ❤️ I also have a video on self-soothing here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/jmnMY6iXpt6Iars

[@t_nels]

@@terri_cole Thank you 🌹

[@crissycobain8361]

I didn't even realize there could be a small needs such as order.. and oh my gosh.. tons.. I have those too.

[@leslierisan7603]

I step in that steaming pile all the time. I hate losing control. I lose respect for myself.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion, Leslie ❤️

[@MsJ3ny]

Thank you ❤

[@terri_cole]

You're so welcome ❤️

[@arminegasparyan1619]

You are amazing, dear Terri!!! I love you. Thank you so so so much for your love and support. I really really really love you. You take care as well!!! ❤

[@terri_cole]

❤️

[@marilynoverton8142]

So helpful, Terri! Thank you, as always, for the great content!

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️

[@ashleyakers2585]

Terri- First off all you have changed my life. I am so grateful for your work. For the first time in my life, I am freeing myself. I am a high functioning CD. My husband and I are currently separated and in my search of self discovery, I found out he is called "the partner in need". So as I started setting boundaries, he resisted because he views this as a healthy marriage. Do you have any material on "the partner in need"? Because he almost makes me feel guilty or manipulates me into thinking maybe he is right!

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad my videos have helped 💕 I haven't used the term "partner in need," but these videos might help: kzbin.info/www/bejne/iX-4hGOGq9eWjrs - about strategic incompetence kzbin.info/www/bejne/o4vHdKJ7rLyAos0 - about not losing yourself in a relationship kzbin.info/www/bejne/jYqWemulrcSSg5Y - Boundary Boss bill of rights, which might be a good reminder for you when he tries to manipulate you ❤️ Next week's video is about codependency as well, and I review some of the signs in relationships. The biggest is, are you doing things for your husband that he can and should do himself? (As in, he is completely capable of handling, but chooses to let YOU handle?)

[@ashleyakers2585]

@@terri_cole oh yes! I did everything for him.. applied for his jobs, made all decisions, took care of the yard, house, kids, bills UNTIL I found you and use your book like my Bible. He has resisted every step of the way. So now if he makes a wrong decision, it’s my fault because I didn’t make it. If my boundary is “don’t text me while I’m working”, he emails me.. He says he can’t find happiness outside of me. He makes me responsible for his emotions. He is utterly exhausting.

[@dominic5596]

What if I don’t respect my partners need for order? Am I a bad person? Are we then not compatible?

[@crissycobain8361]

Wow.. this one hits home. With hearing your story from your book about your family.. and hearing how your dad was emotionally (um, can I say disconnected) it was like my life now but through my daughters eyes) definitely spoke to me. And, now with this.. I have actually read The 5 love language book by Gary Chapman. I understand love languages well.. though it has been a while. While I was reading it. I would share it with my husband..(honestly tried to decode everybody) I thought it was a great read and really interesting. My husband never would pick it up. He's not a book reader..or a self helper for that matter lol haha.. I know a lot of this has to do with his past but I've grown done with it all. I have an enormous amount of unmet needs..and I am actually complementing separation or divorce.. though my two kids 1 at 16 years (almost college) and more so especially my son at 10.. obviously our house and furr babies definitely play a big role into this. Anyways.. I'll definitely do your excersize on this. I feel like he does gaslighting type stonewalling type stuff but i don't think he realizes that its something that is causing a lot of ruckus.. though he can manipulate very easily and is good at it as well.) Anyway you again.. do you have any help on understanding and navigating the beginning stages of divorce. I think the hardest part is he is an avoider.. so we don't even talk about this type of stuff. I can kinda be an avoider too..but only when I don't feel like I can share with out extreme risks. Thank you for your time. One of these days I will get him into therapy..hopefully it won't have to include holding divorce over his head. Thanks again

[@terri_cole]

Hi Crissy, I am witnessing you with compassion as having unmet needs can be so painful. ❤️ I also hear you saying it is difficult to talk about these things with your husband. My first thought is, he cannot change his behavior if he is unaware of the pain it is causing. I see this often in my therapy practice and my students, where they expect someone to know they're doing something 'wrong' or not in the ideal way. They cannot know if we do not express it. We have our own 50% in our relationship- I would encourage you to think about yours. I think you are already by admitting you're also an avoider. You mention manipulation, gaslighting, and not feeling safe, which might change things. If your husband is abusive, then protect yourself and maybe don't bring up your concerns because your safety needs to come first. I have videos on these traits and watching them may help you get more clarity on your relationship. Gaslighting: kzbin.info/www/bejne/rWeuc61qmL18lcU Manipulation: kzbin.info/www/bejne/joC0dampgJqkmaM Emotional safety: kzbin.info/www/bejne/nGPYnmqwZa6gq8k Signs of abusive relationship: kzbin.info/www/bejne/fX7Jqn2sbp2Ba6M I don't have videos specifically on divorce, but I do have a few on thinking about leaving a relationship: kzbin.info/www/bejne/rWrRZZeMn9mJjJo kzbin.info/www/bejne/mWimfJRnmM51r9k I hope these help, and I am sending you strength and courage as you work through this ❤️

[@feliciaomansky8646]

Thank you so very much for this! The honesty and simplicity of how you break down lingering resentment is INCREDIBLY helpful and will undoubtedly resonate with me. I am going to follow up with the resources you shared, thank you for making sense of a huge source of confusion and sometimes shame.

[@terri_cole]

I am so glad it was helpful for you ❤️

[@kaceyleighton2899]

I had a very odd thing happen just days ago, and it's still happening. Long story short I had two very close male friends in HS 22 yrs ago. All three of us were very sensitive teenagers that leaned on each other. Well, we finally found each other. All three of us has been very emotional over this reunion. We disappeared over family problems. We now have our group chat where everything gets talked about. Tears are still shed.

[@terri_cole]

That is so sweet ❤️ Glad you were able to find each other again.

[@PaigeSquared]

I was speaking to a friend about this. How our little group found love and support in each other, even when family wasn't safe. I realized later that the "clicks" in school are of course based on home and family life, the types of communication and atmosphere and problem solving that a kid becomes used to, they work best with others who grew up in similar communication patterns. Looking back, the kids were just going towards the others that were comfortable and familiar to them. But that small group of "outcasts" I was a part of, we had so much love for each other. When I had that group of friends, I remember thinking everything was going to be okay. I have trouble having faith in that, these days, that "everything will work out."

[@Nicole_elizabeth1561]

Terri this is a great topic. I'm a married mom of 3 and I've found myself resentful to my spouse on occasion. Your book has helped, I'm learning emotional maturity and I will be looking into the love language quiz.

[@terri_cole]

I am so glad to hear Boundary Boss helped! ❤️

[@clare5571]

Thank you for your videos. When you’ve been for a partner for 24 years… (since aged 18) and become so linked and codependent… but it’s no longer worker… how can the links be gently broken without destroying the other person?

[@terri_cole]

Therapy would help the process. 💕

[@marleneg7794]

Thanks for looking straight down the barrel of my soul this evening.

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️

[@marleneg7794]

@@terri_cole what a concept, eh?

[@skyebentley]

💝