What a BPD Episode Looks Like

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Dr. Ramani breaks down for MedCircle host, Kyle Kittleson, what a borderline personality disorder episode actually looks like.
#mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealth #borderlinepersonalitydisorder #bpd #borderline #bpd #medcircle #psychology #personalitydisorder

[@MedCircle]

What topic do YOU think we should cover in our next series? Watch the full exclusive MedCircle series on borderline personality disorder HERE: bit.ly/2ZNDGi0

[@realmofthemisunderstood166]

MedCircle you should cover Bipolar Disorders I and II. I’d love to have an insight on my mental illness from the words of Dr. Ramani.

[@universe2198]

Please cover relationship between NPD and bpd . And how does it lead to Bpd rage.

[@maj1636]

Coparenting with a borderline

[@Shasha8674]

How gluten may cause Narcissism/Borderline personality/codependents/Bipolar/schizophrenia and more as it affects the gut lining so less nutrients absorb which affects the brain/body/personality/mood. Low oxygen in the brain may cause depression/anxiety/obsessing/no sleep/panic/suicidal thoughts due to cells not being made right to burn oxygen due to gluten. Gluten issues are due to low sunlight which causes autoimmune issues. Whole family trees may be Celiac. Tests may not work to diagnose it. Hair test can show low minerals/heavy metals. Genova tests can show allergies/hormones/vitamins. Zyto scan can show infections and how organs/glands are working. Grain free may help since gluten is wheat/barley/rye..oats/corn/rice. Rice is low in gluten. Wild rice is a grass which is gluten free.

[@Shasha8674]

Schizophrenia..can be gluten..high Cu/low Zn and other minerals. Bipolar can be low Lithium and other minerals due to gluten. Gluten/GM0/antibiotics/Lyme etc may hurt the gut lining so less nutrients absorb. Psychosis can be due to low B vitamins. People can heal as you fix the root cause.

[@rose-hl8jq]

It’s the self awareness that kills me everytime, afterwards I have to live with the guilt of everything I said and did as an overreaction to something so minor

[@mystoneradventures-3867]

Yup. Really sucks, I feel sorry to the people who are in my presence at times as I know it’s so draining and taxing on others.

[@Libbertyone]

So do you apologize or just feel shame?

[@covert_warrior]

I can definitely relate to that. I live with so much guilt and shame just about every day even for things that happened 25 years ago. I can't seem to break the cycle.

[@donaldhall1059]

@@Libbertyone both

[@dragonflymagictarot1180]

Has anyone thought about trying psychedelics- with assisted therapy?

[@spookybihgaming5608]

My bpd is super triggered by jealousy and the fear of abandonment.

[@chandrasekar3635]

mine is betrayal of trust and loyalty in Romantic Retationship......

[@jubaka01]

same

[@emlaceymusic]

same here.

[@How_Lay]

Get out of my head

[@jamcastilho]

Me too

[@ambiguoussarcasm]

Anyone else isolates themselves because they don't wanna grow attached to people but do anyway and feel utterly alone in the earth?

[@amydelamore1136]

Yes big time . I feel like a confused alien who's stuck on a planet where no one else works this way and I'm like 'where is my home ' and feel like I need a spaceship to go back to my own land bcos this land is not for me

[@lenniamartin]

oh my God, I hope you can read my post that I just put out before I saw yours and I am also very scared to be friends with someone because I know that if this friend gives me a lot of attention whether it’s man or woman I am going to be so attached so obsessed and like I said, in my earlier comment, people will start freaking out and saying girl I’m not a lesbian I don’t like what you making me feel like with. How are you treating me? Why are you acting this way and I don’t know either.😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢

[@bizarrebroz3424]

Yes, I isolate but I don't really get attached.

[@ek11129]

😩😩we need real help

[@lavenderfae8585]

Yup, that's me! I've played the 'push me, pull you' dance my whole life, and it's only now in my mid-fifties that I think I might have BPD. It makes so much sense.

[@devlinfae]

I experience the “favorite person” a lot. I constantly cling to people I’m romantically interested in, but the feelings are extremely intense for a short period of time, and then fade.

[@mikaylaa141]

ugh this is one of my biggest problems because i get so attached at first and then it’s gone and i leave or start “splitting” like leaving for any small reason. i’m not sure how to stop this favorite person thing

[@iianii]

I understand this so much. I would tell someone I love them. I'd feel so obsessed with them. And then *I* would leave them even though I thought I loved them so much because my feeling's faded just like that.

[@Garamisinnocent1116]

Same with me but it stays

[@Rubyxxi]

I can relate to this

[@goddesstreasure]

Yes. It’s like I wake up one day and I’m like .. umm.. I don’t like them😬

[@jenniferblanchard3101]

It feels like a rollercoaster. One minute, I'm pushing someone away, the next I'm begging them not to leave me. It's so obsessive and I cannot seem to control myself.

[@arikins_]

i literally feel like i wake up from a trance when its over. i tell my s.o that im leaving and im done with the relationship, then when he gets upset with me i hate myself and realize what ive done. its horrible. ive hurt and manipulated him and so many of my friends. i just wish i knew how to fix it and be normal

[@TigerPaint92]

That's the problem

[@kgsjk]

Exactly

[@ahmedshaaban6374]

What the best way you see to handle this episode of rollercoaster please? Cause my gf is definitely like you

[@imabudtender]

My girlfriend recently visited her best friend in Sacramento and I felt abandoned. My mind started racing with all these delusional thoughts about how she doesn’t love me, she’s gonna cheat on me, I’m done. And it was a whole weekend of that. Alone in my apt for 3 days feeling like I’m crazy, wanting to harm myself, wanting to just disappear

[@autumnwoodward378]

When I experience a trigger it can cause me to “shut down”. I feel almost mentally paralyzed and I can’t stop thinking really negative things about myself.

[@Texas-yeehaw]

I get this way after my episodes. The second the anger stops it's like someone unplugs me and I'm stuck in a prison of self hatred.

[@thania2124]

Yeah same here its the worst feeling 😔

[@abelking1262]

What do you suggest your loved one should do, when on an episode of rage?

[@chrisiceheart]

Holy shit that’s exactly right. There really isn’t any anger that I know of before it happens, but during it it is exactly like I mentally and socially “shutdown” where I barely say any words to anyone and just feel incredibly cold and empty almost. I wonder if I do have BPD because it only happens on social situations and I’ve read about so many other people with diagnosed BPD talk about the same/similar experience.

[@autumnwoodward378]

@@chrisiceheart Have you ever dissociated? Where your body feels tingly and numb and you have a hard time focusing. It can feel like you’re in a dream or I say it feels like I’m in the Matrix but I know it.

[@little_miss_vintage]

Having to live with BPD everyday is a literal nightmare and SO exhausting. It takes a lot out of me to have severe mood swings.. going into a full on rage when I feel someone has done me wrong and asking them to leave my life forever only to beg them to stay. Afterwards feeling super shameful and hating myself for the way I react and the things I say. The next few days/weeks I feel super low and begin to disassociate and blankly stare at nothing. Usually at this stage I just want everything to end and don’t care about anything. I don’t know how to stop

[@j_mae999]

Same here

[@fatimaezzahraamoulakhnif6897]

I feel exactly the same... And my god that is extremely exhausting. What hurts me the most is that I'm type of person that don't speak their mind and even if i decided to i don't find anyone to speak to about.... It feels like no one cares And having to experience all this pain in silence is killing me slowly 💔

[@sfx.camryn7717]

a lot of times i can’t even make eye contact with the person that i treated poorly because i’m so ashamed of myself

[@emfarah3758]

Why don’t you see a professional to help you adapt with exercise when you’re going through those emotions?

[@elsie8966]

11 weeks OK my ex blocked me everywhere. his stuffs at my house. he'd always kick me out in a rage or cut me off. silent treatments etc. his moods were allover. I've no idea why he's not collected his stuff. this is the 4th znd longest time he's cut me off. he usually goes on dating sites and finds women online to enjoy. he also has an ex he can't get over after 3.5 years. I always knew I never came close. does this sound borderline? his reactions always seemed odd.

[@FabioPioFersini]

Psychedelics are just an exceptional mental health breakthrough. It's quite fascinating how effective they are against depression and anxiety. Saved my life.

[@arnoldidierariza3450]

Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Germany. Really need

[@fakiriayoub8087]

Yes, dr.porasss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.

[@ToniMonteroroman]

I wish they were readily available in my place. Microdosing was my next plan of care for my husband. He is 59 & has so many mental health issues plus probable CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma 8 days. It's too late now I had to get a TPO as he's 6'6 300+ pound homicidal maniac. He's constantly talking about killing someone. He's violent. Anyone reading this Familiar w/ BPD know if it is common for an obsession with violence.

[@arnoldidierariza3450]

Is he on instagram?

[@fakiriayoub8087]

Yes, he is dr.porassss.

[@BlueePanties]

after an episode, i always feel very shameful and undeserving of love and dissociated and if given the wrong response by my loved ones it just starts up all over again. its absolutely exhausting

[@lilyrpeace]

It really is. My bf does one little thing that isn’t even bad and I react and panic😭

[@Lol-tr6cu]

Yep.

[@calliecardozo3812]

Same

[@heavenbitch6025]

LEONA exhausting indeed

[@beautifullove4348]

I can relate

[@blckgoddess7724]

Its really hard especially when nobody understands or tries you’re just labeled as having a bad attitude or getting mad at small stuff..nobody understands..

[@richelgeorge2844]

When some of them so called genius said why you didn't work hard to improve your mental condition? They talk like they know our entire condition.

[@gaigewilliams7244]

There’s actually a lot of us that understand ❤️

[@mfalc90]

That's true. I lost a lot of my friends this year because of it. I exploded with rage and they just told me: 'You've been hurting us for too long' and just told me to go away, and that they wished they never had been my friend. I'm pretty...broken right now...

[@janicesimpson9849]

Mariela F I’ve gone through this. You’re not alone. I don’t do this with friends but I do it constantly with family. I see myself reacting so angrily like I’m watching it from inside. Its so destructive feeling but you are not alone! Reading other comments is making me realize too how other people understand me. It will get better. Hang in there. God loves you.

[@sophoniedeliazard8628]

Yes I know. People say I’m sensitive and they call me a baby

[@VictoriaDiNatale]

BPD feels like a death sentence. There is such a heart-breaking stigma associated with those of us suffering from BPD. Society thinks of us as “crazy,” but really, we are loving, caring, and kind-hearted people who are terrified that others don’t love us back. The erraticism makes me physically ill. Every day I get upset multiple times and then ruminate on it for several hours until my head, neck, shoulders, and jaw hurts. Then the next minute I’m happy and laughing so hard that it’s too much of a good thing, and I start to see blackness in my vision. Today, I’ve been ruminating for 6.5 hours about a conversation I had earlier, and my head started hurting so bad I had to come home and get in bed. I have no appetite and keep losing weight. I’m tired of burdening my family. I love other people and God so, so much, but I just don’t understand why I was created to suffer so severely. Most days, I don’t feel I’ll survive this illness called BPD.😢

[@LadiesOfThePleiades]

This must be very hard for you. You’re a strong person who is so entirely loveable. Please don’t give up on find strategies to navigate your tougher times. We are a whole community of good people trying to get well. Love n hugs.

[@janark4078]

The people with BPD I have met all talked about their suffering. I believe them and I wish they wouldn't suffer so much. Unfortunately I have noticed that they mostly don't care about my problems and suffering, sometimes even caused by their behaviour. 😐

[@VictoriaDiNatale]

@@LadiesOfThePleiades thank you for your kind response and care. ❤️ I was just recently diagnosed, and receiving that diagnosis sent me down a very dark road. I am in therapy to learn coping skills and just want people to know me as the same loving person I was before I received the diagnosis. Sure, I have trouble regulating emotion, but I’m not violent, manipulative, or evil. I’m very loving and make it my mission to try to be as good to others as possible.

[@VictoriaDiNatale]

@@janark4078 thanks for writing and expressing empathy. I can imagine what you have been through in dealing with a person with BPD who is unrepentant, doesn’t take responsibility, etc. I would hope that that person is in therapy and is committed to getting help to strengthen their relationships. Ultimately, your responsibility is to protect yourself. Set strong boundaries and remove yourself from a harmful situation. NOTE: I would say, if you have to cut yourself off from a BPD person’s life, or even just for a period of time, it would be helpful for them to know why they are being cut off or which behavior is problematic. Being abandoned/rejected is our worst fear, so we will be more distressed not knowing why someone ghosted us. We also can’t change a behavior that no one told us is wrong.

[@lehlacheyenne1480]

I feel the same❤

[@kristenmeeks5406]

I’ve been medicated for “bipolar disorder and anxiety” since I was 14. I am 26 now and I watched the first video about the 9 signs of BPD and I cried becuase it was like putting on glasses for the first time.

[@melodymccoydaniels1498]

I was also diagnosed with Bipolar low, PTSD, MDD and anxiety. I had to stop taking the bipolar meds because they made me Feel Crazy. My last Primary care Dr tried me on Adderall, and it has been a lifesaver for me. Not for adhd, more for focus. Before, I could not focus on one problem at a time. They were all jumbled in my head and became extremely overwhelming which triggered my episodes of fear, panic attacks, and finally exploding at everything and everyone. I take antidepressants as well, but I no longer take the latuda or ability so I don't think they diagnosed me correctly. I will be asking my current primary care Dr about this and see if he has someone that he can refer me to for a re-assessment.

[@zulfiqarali9557]

What medication

[@alau2058]

I was diagnosed in my 30s but refused to accept it. I'm 66 now and alone because of mismanaging my relationships. I see now and have accepted that I have been the cause of my inability to maintain a healthy relationship. I feel ashamed...but have no choice but to have compassion for myself as I wasn't able to do any better.

[@patrickdiew2271]

I have antisocial but my ex has Bipolar but we'll argue but I always told her she was narcissist but it just May be bipolar

[@missbettyboopfan]

I have bpd and veryyyyy bad eyesight, I can confirm this is exactly what it felt like . after so many years of wondering why I was different and “what was wrong with me” (I no longer use such terminology - It’s hard and I don’t always stick to this but I find it helps at least when I can remember) becoming self aware is tough sometimes but it feels like waves of calm the easier it becomes when you can realise you are splitting or to realise you are being paranoid etc depending on what symptoms you have. Just know you are not alone my friend, I wish you the kindest of recoveries ❤️‍🩹

[@etaylor8028]

For me BPD attack occurs when I feel panicked that I’m going to be abandoned or betrayed. I don’t get these attacks if there are no other people involved. It’s very people focused.

[@tomoe4512]

Yup, it's exactly the same for me too. Especially the "people focused" matter

[@johanna6111]

Same!!

[@Zehested]

Interesting! And you sweet people who commented in this thread.... do all of you have the BPD diagnosis? And you don't have Complex PTSD? I'm only asking because I definitely have cptsd but I also recognize the things you all are talking about... I don't get triggered in my own company but often in company of others and if they criticize or don't believe me... Perhaps someone can make me wiser about myself through your experiences. Hugs and best wishes to all of you❤🌎🙏

[@shawnkyle6579]

Same. It's very subjective.

[@geniewang1242]

I am exactly the same way. Seems everything is people triggered.

[@sharonbroderick4048]

i feel better just seeing the dog .

[@vickilawrence7207]

Lol...me too!

[@jofriedman4528]

Agreed. Got so distracted seeing that beautiful dog get such sweet loving pats I've had to pause the video to see if a dog-related comment had already been made... Now back to something to do with dogs, sorry, I mean BPD... 😉

[@mokaata22]

Yeap same 😊

[@SH-fz9dy]

I got my dog because I was severely depressed, he's my best friend and calms me so much. Hes been a godsend, somedays I felt like I couldn't get out of bed but my akita will pull my sleeve until I get up and do what he wants so have no choice to which is what I need sometimes.

[@lizdelisle1912]

Beautiful dog.

[@TheWerttyFiles]

I dated someone with BPD for over a year, and while at times I felt loved deeply, there were other times I felt deeply disrespected, distrusted and at times hated. I had to leave, it is not anyone's responsibility to fix someone else or to be their only pillar of support, even though I tried my best during that time. It's exhausting and painful, and even more so because you know the person with BPD is suffering just as much or more so than you are.

[@cherrymae7260]

perfectly said

[@shanksbakes1925]

Lol well said i dated someone with the disorder too. I wish i shared your perspective ab not wanting to fix someone. For me the baggage attracted me to her more and I wanted to be able to fix. Boy was I wrong for that

[@mmowec8159]

Well said! So well said!

[@TheWerttyFiles]

@@shanksbakes1925 I can't lie I started that way with codependent traits on my end but at some point it crossed a line where I realized that putting my own needs first was simply survival. I think for me that point was when she took a bottle of pills in response to me setting some boundaries.

[@Allexz]

Whatever you do, don't feel bad for your decisions. Borderline myself, and i've dated a borderline person. It's pure emotional hell and there's not a thing you can ever do. Either A: Leave or B: Become codependant and give up your life for another persons illness you simply cannot help. It's hell.

[@willowenchant7524]

Honestly, it's so exhausting having this disorder and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I'm constantly battling my own thoughts and made up scenarios in my head to try and avoid having a "BPD Moment" but no matter how hard I try sometimes, it just wins. I hope one day to not react with so much sadness/grief, it's tiring.

[@FatimaKhan-fq9ho]

Iam with bpd too i got when i was 18 years old due ti harsh treatments and hatred and jealousy had no friends just cuz i was intelligent .. many of my friends are intelligent but people would love and support them but hated me.. idk why and this cycle didnt stopped ..

[@FucyouTarot]

The level of self awareness BPD's have is like a curse when it comes to these episodes.

[@PaigePlates]

Yesss I feel like the most self aware and socially blind person at the same fucking time

[@radicallamp6762]

I think that's why my therapist suggests practicing mindfulness. There are some TedTalks on it. Check it out.

[@anewrae]

Yes!!!

[@lisamj]

Agree 100%. 😥

[@generategreatness1816]

Game changer if we can just learn how to use that awareness consistently and in the right way to cope

[@michellefigueroa3612]

I don’t realize when I have “episodes” until it’s over, my emotions go into a crazy roller coaster

[@sashak6971]

Me too :(

[@alexborn7142]

I can relate

[@jonanderson470]

Mine too like I can't control my reactions/emotions. Completely terrifying

[@abelking1262]

What say you on how to handle you when on an episode?

[@Miiszthing7]

I’m so grateful to have read all these messages. I always end up hurting the people I love especially my husband. I never notice I’m having an episode while it’s happening because my anger and sadness always make sense at the moment and when it’s over I feel like I have to reassure him I love him again. I can’t control it and I feel like a terrible person after. I find so much comfort knowing I’m not alone and I’m not crazy

[@kyliehenderson6271]

One of my most common "episodes" usually revolves around feeling judged or unwanted. In these episodes, the smallest trigger and my mind just starts racing these profound thoughts. "They said your shirt is wrinkly, that means you look ugly and dingy. Nobody wants to be around that. They probably hate being seen with you. They'll never want to hangout with you." At times, these thoughts come so fast I can't even decipher what they all say, because it's like 1,000 people talking at once in my head. Which leaves me completely unable to communicate, just pure panicked, and then comes the "you're better off gone, everyone leaves you anyway, nobody will ever stay, it's not like you'll be missed" and it gets detrimental. I get uncontrollably angry and ashamed of my entire being. I am however, learning slowly but surely how to manage these spirals with the different DBT skills, and that has helped tremendously.

[@tohaovershell]

I highly relate to this. I get super triggered when I feel like I’m unwanted or people are judging me, I literally can’t handle criticism it sends me into a self hate spiral!

[@FractalCodex7]

Thank you for sharing your perspectives, it really helps us non-BPDers understand you guys. My ex also could not handle anything that remotely looked like criticism. I still live with her and tonight I went to turn down the hotplate so the food wouldn't burn as she got distracted with a conversation. BOOM!!! Big blow up. I assume her mind processed that as an "im not cooking right" criticism. It wasn't actually the BPD that caused me to walk away, it was more the refusal to admit her condition. If you've admitted your situation and are taking steps to improve you are doing well in my book.

[@kumashock4074]

You are doing great. The self awareness and mindfulness of things like DBT and CBT are life changing and I’m glad you’re seeing relief. I’ve also heard of emotional intelligence training being helpful!

[@zs9710]

I just finished dating someone with BPD, and while our time together was brief, it was sooo intense. I really cared about her and we had some awesome times together, but I felt like if I expressed anything other than happiness about anything in our dynamic, wanted to change something, or tried to set a boundary, I was immediately met with the silent treatment and stonewalling. I felt like I was screwed if I tried to stand up for myself and assert my needs and screwed if I suffered in silence. The relationship was truly all consuming. Less than a month into dating, she told me about her diagnosis and asked for daily reassurances. When I couldn’t deliver one day because I was exhausted and just wanted to take some time for myself, I was shamed. When I told her I was overwhelmed with the pace of things and wanted to slow down, she didn’t talk to me all day and cancelled our date we planned a week in advance. When I ultimately broke things off and tried to explain myself in the nicest way possible, I was blamed for everything (including her self-h@rm episodes) and was told that I didn’t try hard enough. And two minutes later, she professed her love to me. I had nightmares and cried because of what was said in our breakup conversation. I felt so confused. As much as I wanted to make things work, I knew I couldn’t tolerate that treatment and still call it a healthy relationship.

[@JohnSmith-wo7ns]

It can at times be impossible to have these relationships. They have to be honest and want to change, if not youre life will be miserable. I tried for years with someone who was in denial about having the condition. I was always wrong and she never apologised. It was so sad because I believe we could have made it work if she'd looked within for the problems instead of blaming me.

[@not2longnow]

Felt this massively

[@JohnSmith-wo7ns]

@@not2longnow unless they're in therapy avoid BPD and NPD.

[@kumashock4074]

I relate so much to this. You are not the problem. A lot of people with diagnosis still struggle to accept they need professional help and can not expect an untrained personal to help them cope or to go beyond normal human abilities to make them never feel bad. They are people that are extremely self involved because they’re worried about protecting themselves from harm, not others. I have a bpd loved one that actually didn’t see the issue with liking somebody feeling suicidal over them because it made them feel secure. They are very sick people (no hate) that need more help and support than an average untrained person can give AND THEY have to learn to take accountability and responsibility for their issue and realize their problems are theirs to work on not others

[@alouise3557]

​@@kumashock4074 that's not actually true. My boyfriend has ADHD. HE TOO has to work on his issues, because he's ghosted me so many times due to his condition that it contributed to my lack of trust and I ended up looking like an absolute lunatic. I've since told him I'm studying adhd at length along with my own "emotional disregulation". Guess which one of us is really trying? I've spent 3 long days and nights, hours upon end watching videos, reading studies, reading comments, etc. to find solutions. I've told him how dreadfully sorry I am that I've hurt him so much. He seems happy to know I'm committing to fixing it, and he's now communicating FAR LESS. It's as if he's handing me the entire mess to clean up including his own ADHD, while he has not done much at all to even talk about it, text me, etc. Today he called me. The conversation was less than 4 fn minutes because he didn't take the time to even show he cared to have a real conversation. But oops... he's "busy" so I'm supposed to just understand, and not react, right? Every since his roommate moved in a week ago, he's called me ONE of those days. One. We used to talk every day. Hence the never-ending spiral of not feeling valued or good enough. He rarely makes time to see me. We don't live together and we see eachother maybe twice a month. So no, it is not all up to the BPD person to make the changes. Oftentimes, the other person is a MUCH BIGGER PROBLEM than they're admitting. Just food for thought.

[@tiffaniejackson714]

Its so exhausting. I push people away out of fear of abandonment. I get so frustrated with myelf.

[@NancyLea28]

I did that too and still do. You're doing the best you can. Believe in yourself, even if you feel empty, you matter.

[@danielcamacho7331]

WOW! Hearing you say that helps me feel weirdly better, I'm not the only one.

[@stefaniestaxdotcom1387]

Tiffanie Jackson I’m so afraid my bf is gonna cheat on me or leave me it’s so consuming I wanna leave him even though now we’re engaged and every time he’s not calling or taking too long at something normal I freak on the inside I used to trip out but he started getting cruel now I keep quiet so he doesn’t leave me but I’m afraid he will anyways a constant struggle inside now

[@flitzerbababoey610]

I got this weird thing that I am just waiting to be replaced cause by then I won't have to interact with people anoymore but then if I feel like I am being replaced, I get so frustrated about my self too.

[@19MadMatt72]

So fear of abandonment can cause me to abandon people? That would make me make sense to my wife.

[@tammye4677]

Hi I have bpd. After periods of extreme stress my bpd symptoms become much more intense and unmanageable. I become very irritable, hypersensitive, angry, paranoid, depressed, worried and extremely suicidal. Life becomes unbearable and intolerable. During these periods it is important to rest and not engage in impulsive or wreckless behaviours as this can make things much worse.

[@Joakim3693]

Exactly how I feel too. Very well put. Thankyou.

[@marlenegibbs9148]

Hi Tammy, I am a Mother of a Daughter aged 22 who was recently diagnosed with BPD. All the symptoms you experience are so intense and exhausting for you and I see this with my daughter. She was taking medication and attending DBT programs, but has discontinued both. Currently she expresses hatred towards me and wants nothing to do with. I’ve worked hard to understand and help her and we do love each other. Have you experienced this with close family members. I wish you well each day Tammy...peace be with you. Hugs

[@LivinLaVidaLaura]

Wow so cool to read this and see someone understand how I feel ! I do not know anyone with bpd and reading this is spot on, I could not have said it better

[@tammye4677]

@@marlenegibbs9148 she needs to go back to treatment or she will get nowhere. She doesn't mean it, she is in so pain and feels so horrible about herself she pushes people away because she doesn't think she is worthy of love plus terrified of abandonment. But like I say, there is no way forward until she commits to treatment. That will happen in her own time

[@tammye4677]

@@LivinLaVidaLaura the most important thing to remember is to avoid impulsive behavior and find healthier coping strategies

[@Galaxinity]

Reading some of the comments is beyond painful. You cannot win with this disorder. You're always the villain, "manipulating" others when it's really just self sabotage. I'm truly, deeply sorry whenever I doubt people's honesty with their attitude/feelings towards me, because I know it sucks and it also hurts myself deeply, but at the same time it's never something i do deliberately. I'm not in control of myself enough to a point where i would even be able to manipulate anybody. Also the term gaslighting gets thrown around like nothing and it's really frustrating. I never pretend, I'm not able to hide any intention of mine because i blurt out every thought i have eventually. If I'm ever reproachful or inquisitory about a behavior from somebody it is because i am CONVINCED they hate me, not because I just feel like being annoying that day. I don't want to think that of course. Who would want to be convincend that somebody that means a lot to them really hates them? It's exhausting and humiliating. If I could change myself and my perception of my environment i would do it in a heartbeat.

[@heavenlymirror3095]

So how do you convince someone you love them when they are convinced other? It because sometimes scary to be around even, because person doesn’t control the other side at all. That’s the saddest part of it.

[@FractalCodex7]

All this makes a lot of sense. My ex would often say I hate her after she had an episode. Was I pissed off, sure. But hate her, no. She would often say "love yourself" to me. Because I'm trained in behavioural psychology i knew she was projecting. When you understand the human mind (and especially trauma) all these things become clearly evident. Not sure i understand your comment about gaslighting. My ex gaslit me all the time. Most of the times I could just ignore it and not react. But dang if it just doesn't wear a person down even though I knew it was a coping strategy that she wasn't conscious of. Us folks who have been burned by someone with BPD also wish and hope for a cure too 🙏 Just because we leave in the end doesn't mean we don't care about you, it just means we can't cope with the abuse anymore that's all. For me there's only compassion 💛

[@kumashock4074]

There is help. DBT, CBT and emotional intelligence training can help you control and regulate your emotions which prevent and help undo the spiraling. I really recommend looking into these things. They take practice and trust but people see significant improvement to mental health and helps improve thinking patterns

[@alouise3557]

​@@heavenlymirror3095 CONSISTENCY. My boyfriend has looked me in the eye before and told me to trust him and believe in him. That hit home. But when he then believed that was enough and started ghosting me, it became a repeat cycle. It was almost as if he was intentionally torturing me, knowing how much pain it would bring, and effectively waiting for me to flip out on him again, accuse him of being unfaithful, tell him he is nothing but a waste of my time, etc. He would admit he'd watch all the texts come through and "not play into it." That was the WORST thing he could've done because it gave me no stability. Every single time I lost my temper and began texting him mean things, I felt horrible, to the extent of self hatred. Literal loathing of myself... and wanted to die, thinking he was the best thing that ever happened to me and now, because I couldn't "control" myself and have the strength to just go silent, I'd must've lost him. You have no idea the pain we feel as soon as we feel you don't love us or will get sick of us and leave. Best things you can do is text more. Say I LOVE YOU more and mean it. Sweep her off her feet and give in the relationship, using your words. Tell her why she's important. Make it count. Make her feel more love than she's ever felt, and keep it stable and consistent. Eventually you will win her over and these things will stop. But you need to look at the triggers. For instance, what usually starts the behavior? What is she saying *you're doing* to "provoke" it?

[@johnnyfive7129]

Becoming verbally and physically violent due to an episode and saying it's an excuse, is like saying the alcoholic has a right to smash stuff and hit his wife because he has a problem. There's no excuse for it after you've lost control once.

[@Veeisforvictory]

Please remember to apologize to the people you have hurt during your episodes. It will help both sides to feel better and stop the cycle of hurt.

[@beckyankrom383]

My husband doesn't know anything about bpd but he 1.000percent has it....I explained the hurt I experience when he had a meltdown or what ever you call it....he said he's not saying he's sorry cuz he's tired of apologizing.....I don't even know what I do to set him off half the time...I don't even see it coming cuz everything seems good to me...??? This is heart breaking ..

[@mariaangel3158]

But the BPD doesn't apologize or if they do, it's not heartfelt. The empathy isn't there.

[@Silvia-0]

My family member with BPD never apologizes and just expects everyone to continue on with the relationship as if nothing happened when she is ready to. It’s so hard when all of the abusive things she’s said have built up over the years and there’s no resolution

[@sincityquinn]

@@Silvia-0 Yup. And don’t ever have a bad day around them. They take the craziest things as slights and they’re off. And there is no convincing them that they misunderstood something. I’m either the greatest thing to happen to her or the worst person in the history of the planet.

[@sincityquinn]

@@H80s Well, damn. The people could say the same about triggering you. That you deserved it because you’re sensitive. But if you don’t mean it don’t apologize, I guess.

[@fctr626]

Omg reading everyone’s comments makes me feel so calm knowing that I’m not alone , I appreciate everyone last one of u

[@RaduP3]

WORD

[@ONOREDDO]

i know.... i often find myself watching these kinds of videos when im at my worst.... its comforting somehow

[@lauralauren2402]

Definitely not alone!👋

[@roscomcfarland204]

My girls got bpd so that’s why I’m here but nah you’re not alone:)

[@KAELIN250]

Its pure hell dealing with these people

[@shannonjones9610]

I’ve always describe the emotional level as. I don’t feel sad, I am sadness. I don’t feel angry, I am anger. I don’t feel happy, I am happiness. It’s helped my family get a sense of the depth of emotion that I go through. I think it’s hard for people to understand that feelings can manifest with such depth and suddenness.

[@cardinalflower6959]

Thank you for this poetic description of the emotional intensity you feel. It's helping me understand a sister-in-law I have always found difficult.

[@shayZero]

This is exactly how I have felt my entire life and ive never been able to articulate it.

[@lainypooh]

Thank you for sharing. My mom has BPD as well, and I really want to understand the roller coaster ride that seems to happen TO her emotionally. ♥️

[@altawestgates]

Exactly 🥺

[@missbettyboopfan]

Thank you for sharing this. I hope this will help explain to my loved ones 🥺

[@radicallamp6762]

For me, an "episode" is basically a prolonged panic attack accompanied by extreme grief (as if someone just died,) and self loathing/ self destructive behavior. This would usually happen in the face of rejection or in times of extreme stress. In the hours after the 1-1½ hour "episode," I would have lucid periods with high highs and low lows, and I will dissociate mildly to moderately till the next day. Luckily, every time this has occurred, I have been with my spouse who treats me with love and respect and concern throughout the whole process. He will protect me and keep me occupied after my "episodes" when I am not all there. He's my hero and he supports me on my journey to manage my symptoms and overcome certain traumas. I havent had an episode since I started a certain medication, but it is deemed no longer effective by my psychiatrist. I worry I may have "episodes" again, but I trust the process and understand my medical team has my best interest at heart. Hope this helps even though I'm late to the game. Lol.

[@Traumatised311]

What is the uncontrollable urge to murder stab shoot many people called By many I mean The people I hate not all people Bt there r mny I hate

[@LaDawny1]

What medication was working for you? My daughter who just turned 23 today has had an awful day and it's not her fault. Her dysphoria has been so bad on and off this whole week. She also has PTSD and MDD and her dysphoria is so bad because the emotions are all over the place and just extreme. She currently takes quite a few meds. She takes depakote, mirtazipine, Zoloft, and quetiapine or Seroquel as it's called. She also has very severe Interstital cystitis and PCOS and has been hospitalized for her physical issues as well as her mental disorders as well. Lately it feels as if her BPD is getting increasingly worse and I feel so helpless. Anyway, sorry so long, but as her mom and caregiver, I'm getting extremely concerned for her at this point

[@mmcg2830]

@@LaDawny1 has she tried lamotrigine?

[@LaDawny1]

@@mmcg2830 She hasn't tried it, but funny enough, she had a neurology report sent to her Dr and they recommended lamotrigine for her and her Dr wrote it down for me to ask her psychiatrist about prescribing it for her. She's had seizures in the past and we still don't know if it's due to bad med combos or an actual brain disorder, and so recently she had another EEG done to check for seizure activity in the brain and although I haven't received the results yet, the medication lamotrigine was recommended and I'm assuming it has psychological uses as well. It's been an incredibly difficult roller coaster of try this and try that for a few years now and finding what works has been so hard. Her medications have been changed again to abilify and effexor and she still takes Seroquel as well as her elmiron for her ic condition. Was lamotrigine helpful for you? I know that I have been fighting to get her with a therapist who does the DBT therapy which is supposed to be helpful for treating BPD. Thank you so much for your post and helpful offer, , my heart goes out to you and bless you and your husband for being there for you. The biggest help for someone struggling with BPD is having someone there to support them when others don't understand them. :)

[@mmcg2830]

@@LaDawny1 Please have your daughter try lamotrigine. Over the past 5 years, I have tried a long long list of medications, all of them never working out for me. Lamotrigine is the only one that's worked. I think it would be great for her considering it's used for BPD and seizures. Just a recommendation. :) I wish someone would have told me about it a long time ago

[@debbiemumford]

My mother had BPD NPD. Living with her was absolute heaven and hell. She never got treatment after her diagnosis. She would act out on everything in very physical ways, not on people but on furniture, clothing, gifts anything that was in the way. She would rip, break and throw anything if she was angry. She was very verbally abusive and said the most awful things. She had long bouts of depression, was obsessed with her weight - she controlled what she ate to the last calorie and would starve herself if she didnt meet her goals. At other times she was the most loving wonderful person who would take the shirt of her back to help someone. She was sympathetic and kind too. Unfortunately just one wrong word or action could change things in a minute. These extremes of temperament didnt manifest until after she had my sister when I was 11. Before that one would describe her as difficult and impulsive with a tendency for depressive episodes. Extreme post natal depression after the birth of my sister was the catalyst for BPD to manifest. To cope I learnt how to read people, looking at actions rather than words, and as a result I am hypersensitive to peoples emotional state. I had to know how to behave and respond to her because there would be clues and triggers I need to look out for and avoid. Her behaviors affected my life greatly and all through my adolescence and young adult life I sabotaged relationships, and when things got tough, I would up and leave. Relationships, jobs, countries even. My dad was a saint, he loved my mom with his entire being and he was her anchor and rock in her very confusing and frightening world. Both my parents have passed now. There were times in my life I stopped talking to my mom, but I always went back. She was my mom and I loved her. She didnt ask for this, neither did I. As a family we made it work.

[@oysterchampion8998]

Can you point me toward more info about giving birth and BPD. Looking back my wife seemed normal enough. Only outburst I recall while dating was her hitting her old beater of a car out of frustration while driving. But since our 1st kid was born it's been downhill. Trying to figure out what's going on with my wife.

[@handle-bar-handle]

Bpd for me feels like I have an on/off switch in my head. Triggers are kind of hard for me to specify because I know what would generally set me off, but not always. I can have amazing days where I feel very happy and thankful for what I have, but once I experience that switch it’s like I can only see the negative factors in my life. As much as I fight with myself in my head that my feelings aren’t that narrow it’s like a part of me is drowned out. My anger is intense, my anxiety is intense and my depression is intense. The extremes make me feel so guilty about how I’m acting and it just adds to the stress. It’s so hard to control and especially to explain to those who don’t know what bpd is or don’t have it.

[@lexmw]

Tiffany Bartram I also have always described it as a on/off switch since my temper can go from 0-100 so fast over little things. Sucks

[@blackfroot]

Oh my God SAME !!! Like sometimes I don’t even know what sets me off I just like switch it’s so frustrating

[@rhysturner8452]

Thank you, you've helped me Come to an understanding with myself and a little peace knowing theres someone just like me out there and I'm not just loiny, I guess u took a little shame off my shoulders thanks

[@pterodactylbull]

Yo you described my feelings exactly it’s such a paradox

[@rositasouza1216]

Same

[@wesleydalton4806]

My wife has BPD and she actually recommended this video to me. Sometimes the slightest things will send her mood in a totally different direction, but I wouldn't trade her for the world. This mental disorder is manageable, you just have to know how. This video did a great job with that. Thank you very much 😊

[@Inesines44456]

She’s so lucky to have you, please take care of her and just know that she doesn’t mean the hurtful things that she might say to you

[@adsvissy]

Reading this comment gives me hope...

[@lotuswolf1518]

Aww I am glad there r men like u, restores my faith in love respect and humanity

[@jamilajulie5717]

I wish I could meet a man like you. My exes used my mental issue card to even gaslighting me and mentally abuse me since they know how to make me even frustrated.

[@elsaastrid1687]

And how to manage this mental disorder if you don't mind sharing? My S.O has BPD too, we love each other, we generally respect and enjoy each other, but when he's having episode, he pushes me away and tries to break up. I don't want anyone else but him, and I always think that his pushing me away is just a product of him being overwhelmed by his intense emotions and his worry of being not enough. I'm trying to understand him better, but I seriously wish he would never push me away anymore 😅

[@rainbownadratowski3245]

I was diagnosed with BPD several months ago. This certainly helps explain why I've always had a very hard time maintaining healthy relationships and why people leave me. I tend to smother them by trying to get too close, too quick and then get upset when they say they need space.

[@alau2058]

Trying to get too close too quickly is also an adaptation by children raised by alchohlics. That, along with not having any boundaries, contributes to my personality disorder. Have compassion for yourself.

[@benh6452]

​@@alau2058my folks don't drink

[@oliviahartz758]

I understand this video is from like 3 years ago and is likely no one will ever see this comment but this past summer I was diagnosed with BPD. growing up I had several environmental triggers ranging from domestic disturbances to many SA occurrences, I was always very confused about my overwhelming emotional responses to said stimuli. I would often act out in self-harm, risky behaviors, and compulsive skin picking. Now being 22, I realize that these compulsive behaviors stem from my undiagnosed BPD. but as a young girl I never understood why I was so “unhappy” and would get so irritated over the slightest stressors to the point I would often have the overwhelming urge to rage and break things or lash out and try to hurt myself. Anyhow, I am now in my 20’s and am trying to navigate life with not so good of a support system from my family. BPD for me is a constant every day struggle and learning to manage my outbursts and understand what triggers me and why is very difficult since I still do not understand my feelings 90% of the time. BPD for me is characterized by deep intense feelings of loneliness, fear of abandonment, and risky behaviors…etc. my feelings often feel very deep and I react to stressors in a different way than others. Living with BPD is a struggle and to anyone who took the time to read this, I love you and stay strong 💓 you’re not alone.

[@JohnSmith-wo7ns]

Thanks Olivia for explaining your feelings. My ex had this but never admitted it to me, she would have therapy but just say it was cos she was mad. She'd be so insecure and paranoid and extremely sensitive to the point of attacking me irrationally for things she suspected me of thinking or doing. Sometimes physically. I only ever wanted to reassure her and support her, I only wish I'd known then what I do now and she had been open with me. I would have done anything to help her work with this condition. Thanks again for your honesty I appreciate it.

[@joan.nao1246]

@ Olivia Hartz thank you for being open & vulnerable! sharing your experience can help so many. please look into Asperger's and CPTSD, both of which can also explain your symptoms.

[@FractalCodex7]

Wow so raw and vulnerable and honest. Thanks for sharing. It helps us non-BPDers to hear your side of the story so we can better understand this condition.

[@icommon32]

Thank you for sharing this. I feel less alone now.. we have very similar story🥹

[@kittenrants]

Im literally a nornal human untill others enter my life 🙃 best alone anyways!

[@frankripley4616]

Yea I agree dead or no other people my only choice

[@NinaSofia_]

Yes

[@Diamondnailsbylovelee]

Me too hun

[@katt6559]

Bingo!

[@Elena-mh8hg]

that is exactly the same thing I experience. And every time I tell myself to never let anyone in again but then I do and I think “this time it’ll work”..... but it doesn’t😔

[@meaghansoria3336]

I feel panicky and on the verge of doing something crazy when I don't feel understood. My emotions get so strong, they swallow me alive. And to have the people I love look at me like I'm overreacting or I'm just crazy, makes me feel like my world is shattering around me. Like I'm not even really here, valid, solid. I feel myself observe myself in a detached way, while at the same time sobbing and repeatedly slamming my head into a wall. The desperation I feel to get away from myself, from confrontation, from judgement, is so intense. Then when the emotions have subsided and the trigger is over, it feels like there's nothing left of me. I can't go in living this way, yet I could never hurt others by taking my own life. I am trapped in a world I don't understand, and that doesn't understand me. I feel too deeply, all the time so I have to learn to be numb if I ever want the torture to end. I realize how "poor me" this sounds, but in the middle of a trigger, this is what it feels like.

[@angelluv392_]

you just explained exactly how i feel :/ i hope you’re doing okay ♥️

[@meaghansoria3336]

@BPD World thank you so much

[@krisswan748]

Same honey you’re not alone

[@charlotteinfj4412]

You have expressed what it's like better than I ever could.

[@markdavis8958]

Your not alone lovely...

[@cas4ajs]

I am a man with BPD. This disorder is a nightmare. It is so difficult to live with this disorder. I wasn't validated as a child. My parents tried. They obviously failed. I grew up in a very hostile environment. BPD was my destiny. 😌

[@nataliedulaney8347]

Hello, I was wondering if you could explain how your environment was hostile?

[@mystoneradventures-3867]

Me too man me too.

[@somiocol3325]

Me too… 🥲

[@cas4ajs]

My first memory is of my parents throwing boiling coffee on one another and my father lifting the dinner table, throwing at mother and it hitting the curio cabinet behind her. My father has always been manipulative and hostile. Hes very narcissistic. He was violent towards mother and women hes been with since divorce. My mother is a very cunning person as well. She will tell people whatever they want to hear as long as it keeps her light shining in their corner. She always deflects to save face. Shes the type that jumps to violence in discipline such as quick to slap your face if her juvenile children would say something she didnt like. She displays no empathy and has a personality that has no humility. Same with my father with empathy snd humility. My parents together were the perfect storm to create my BPD. I also switched elementary schools 3 times. Middle schools twice. I was also bullied in middle school and high school a bit. Id always be bullied at home by father as well. I was also molested by cousins in my home and had an older male neighbor boy force me to perform oral sex on him. All this stuff made for lifelong suffering.

[@marinaavant]

@@cas4ajs I'm so sorry

[@guadalupecastruita6762]

For family members it feels like emotional abuse, I’m literally scared to say, do or suggest ANYTHING, I’m depressed I’m NOT qualified to help someone with BPD -it is exhausting emotionally, I feel like I’m loosing myself, my peace, my cool too, it’s WAY too much to put another human being thru hell! 😭😭😥😓

[@vivacianon]

Yes this. It's hell if you're close to a bpd.

[@sableann4255]

Yes, that person is my Daughter. I can't take it anymore

[@brifromdowntown]

@@sableann4255 literally think about how they feel

[@walkerlocker6126]

I feel for you, and I hope things have improved in the past few months. It's hard because people with BPD make it seem all about ourselves, when I promise it's not like that at all. It's such a difficult and complex disorder. I'm currently in remission, but I know I've hurt a lot of people in the past. It breaks my heart to see people who really want to help but feel overwhelmed and lost. My heart goes out to you!

[@jessicaparsons1291]

My daughter as well. She is 22, pregnant, and has pushed everyone away. I have been there last man standing but I genuinely feel like I am losing my mind. I love her so Much and hurt for her like it’s myself, but I cannot take anymore. This is exhausting and painful and is beginning to make me think the only way out of this hell is either to end my life or run away. And running away is really no option because the guilt and worry for her will never leave me.

[@nscott2590]

BPD episodes are almost like a flare-up when your emotions have been dormant for some time. That’s why, for me, pursuing new relationships (particularly romantic ones) always makes me nervous. There’s so much risk involved.

[@nickpayne2689]

Learned that I have BPD recently after seeing a therapist for a few months. I'm feeling this right now as I've been talking to someone new. We've been talking for a few days and I feel like I'm already in the full swing of an episode. It's just so awful

[@ggurrlyggurrl]

Omg, same. That’s why I haven’t been involved with anyone for years! But I had a recent one and I felt my mental health falling apart. I thought I was a lot better but romantic relationships are too risky for me :(

[@nscott2590]

@@ggurrlyggurrl Aw I’m so sorry to hear. You are NOT alone. It sucks because we have a lot of great qualities as BPDs (ie. very loyal, loving, we care so much), and yet it’s still so risky for us. Sending you love and light.

[@selinar.7775]

I sometimes feel like I sabotage myself because of this:(

[@bigtimefans100]

Bitch...I've never kept a relationship in my life; they all left me ha-ha...🙃

[@DJPoundPuppy]

It's like being an emotionally wounded toddler. Today in the drug store, I heard a toddler screaming for dear life because they didn't want to use the bathroom. It's like that.

[@Liliana-qi8rw]

@David C I believe I have BPD I dated someone with NPD it was a mess. I overreacted to things- he would use that as leverage. He knew my weak spots and emotional triggers, he would instigate and try to get reactions out of me. My symptoms were sky high when with him. He knew that the part of BPD that hurts/affects me the most was fear of abandonment. He made sure to isolate me socially and run a smear campaign. I already have hard times with relationships as it is.

[@fiercebandicoot]

I always try to explain it as a child who never grew up or a child who wasnt taught to deal with their emotions. It sucks .

[@adelepreyer9158]

Interesting I often describe myself as a 2 year old of someone wants me to go somewhere with them ..

[@amyakins1284]

@@fiercebandicoot I think that is spot on. My mom is an undiagnosed BPD. I can see this in her and understand it from her upbringing. My maternal grandparents were brought up during the Great Depression--a time when the focus was on the physical aspect of life (doing whatever it took to live just one more day). Mental, emotional, and even spiritual health were denied any existence within my family. You did whatever was necessary to keep going. You pushed past your feelings and served others instead (with a foolish belief that this would lift you out of your problems). How can two people who lived this way ever give their children what they need emotionally, mentally, and spiritually? They can't. As a result, their first child grew up to be fiercely independent and toxicly judgemental, their second child (my mom) grew up to be debilitatingly co-dependent and developed BPD, and their third and final child grew up trying to make a fairy tale life come true (he failed and died of heart disease before he was 45).

[@globalnet6494]

That's exactly as I see my mother and ex-husband. Both undiagnosed, but anyone can see the patterns. It's sad that most people run away, including myself. I had to protect myself and my children. The wound left by a person that thinks that they are the only sane and everyone else is crazy are deep. They both traumatized me deeply. I'm glad to see that people get diagnose and at least admit how they feel. I was only put down and humiliated by two important people in my life. I'm at peace now by myself and I terrified to become in contact with another bpd.

[@ashleeharding9888]

I was diagnosed with BPD while enlisted in the Army in Aberdeen MD. I remember the ah ha moment when the doctor described to me emotions I feel but never described to anyone else. I was 20 then, I am 32 now. The one most destructive symptom I've had all these years is uncontrollable rage. My family is afraid of me, my children are afraid of me, but I know I would never hurt them. They've seen me explode at the TV and road rage over and over again. I understand how they feel, but it still hurts when your loved ones look at you with fear in their eyes when all you want is to be loved and not abandoned

[@drakesmith471]

Can’t speak to a similar situation to yours Ashlee, but I guess I’ll say this. With any problem we have in our life which may pose now and again or even constant struggle, it’s a matter of desiring that change. I’ve known plenty of people who would rather not change to reap the rewards of said change, me being one of those people at some time or another. What is important is that you take the steps to make that change, to start least be your best self or to get better. My own mother has Bipolar Disorder, PPD, and Schizophrenia. I wish in many regards that she’d strove for change in herself, at the least in an attempt to find peace for herself and others. Your children are lucky to have someone like you as a mother. While no one is perfect, the people of value are those who try. Hopefully someday it can be better and you will never have to see your children like that again. But I’ve said enough as it is. Best wishes to you.

[@freeyourdreama7822]

Well if you love your loved ones then you need to go and get professional help so you can learn to not scare them because professional help is available

[@43djh]

I was diagnosed with BPD literally just yesterday. I could see the lightbulb go off in my therapist’s head once she asked me if it seems like my moods/emotions go in waves. Funny, looking up the symptoms and really looking into it, these are things that I have struggled with for a long time, but always just assumed it was just how I was. I could never understand why I’ve always felt so “different” than others and why relationships and emotional regulation came so easily to others yet have always been so difficult for me. I definitely have the intense fear of abandonment and the strong/intense attachment to people. I’ve always thought I was just clingy/needy and I’ve worked very hard to not be so clingy but now I feel like I just isolate myself, like I took it too far. Watching Dr. Ramani talk about how BPD presents in people, it makes so much sense why I can never seem to find that grey “middle area.” It’s always one extreme or the other, in so many different aspects of my life. My emotions, my relationships, how I view myself, my mood. I feel so validated and feel so much less alone after finding out there are others like me and I’m not the only one that has these behavioral patterns. I have blown up on loved ones before many times, and luckily they have stuck by me and forgiven me, however I fear that one day I will have gone too far and irreversible damage will have been done. Now, I can’t tell if that’s a rational fear or the fear of abandonment from my BPD talking. Since learning I have this, I feel as if I’ve started second guessing every interaction going back, wondering if it was a valid response or overreaction due to the BPD. A lot of them I can see now were overreactions. It’s definitely an exhausting disorder to have, especially like Dr. Ramani said, it’s not episodic or only sometimes. This is something that is constant, all of the time. My therapist is luckily trained in dialectical behavioral therapy and we are going to start doing that at my next visit and once I’m ready she would like me to start attending group therapy! A few things I want very much out of this life are to live a good life, be happy, be a good person, and help others when I can. I know I can get through this and learn to live a good life and get my BPD under control!

[@adelinemarlym]

Hello, I would be very grateful if you take a minute and answer me.Are you still working with a therapist on your borderline personality disorder?Does it help you? How do you feel now? I was diagnosed with this in January, I suspect that I have "quiet" bpd.I think I'm still in the acceptance phase😔

[@adelinemarlym]

Hello, I would be very grateful if you take a minute and answer me.Are you still working with a therapist on your borderline personality disorder?Does it help you? How do you feel now? I was diagnosed with this in January, I suspect that I have "quiet" bpd.I think I'm still in the acceptance phase😔

[@marydio6367]

BPD class and therapy has helped me out immensely but it takes time.

[@Bella-vi3lq]

I feel angry after an episode, that I didn't manage to be my nice self and that the worst of me came out. Then I get depressed or suicidal.

[@LivinLaVidaLaura]

Dorota Izabela Kanarek MEEEE TOO!!!!!!! 😞😞😞😞

[@saraoln]

That happens to me 💔.

[@bharathikathireson3273]

Same...then we doubt if any effort to get better is even worth the next episode

[@Bella-vi3lq]

@@bharathikathireson3273 It is, Hun, do not doubt! We definitely can get better! I am a big fun of improving! BPD is reversible! Listen to Dr. Joe Dispenza about the power of thought and how we can change ourselves for the better.

[@bharathikathireson3273]

@@Bella-vi3lq omg girl, we have so much in common, im a big fan of improvement and transformation too.. And I've been following dr. Joe dispenza alot lately, he explains the mind so clearly. Yes i believe we can get through anything. Good luck to you Dorota ❤️

[@christinacatalano]

It’s that feeling when you’re headed back home alone, after another social failure, and having to sit with yourself.

[@mystoneradventures-3867]

It literally hurts.

[@somiocol3325]

I know… 😢

[@HT-jy7dv]

Even after you’ve had a good day …

[@Andrea-fd2bw]

Im having this tonight and I sincerely don’t know how I’m gonna survive it

[@yungjeddy]

This.. That feeling after a failed date with someone you like. The walk home, darn it.

[@dstegal2]

I have them when I am triggered by abandonment. It is the worst possible feeling. You are overwhelmed with so much emotion...I dont even know what emotions they, are but they are so heightened that you will do anything ANYTHING to make it stop. When unhealthy this can lead to cutting, and suicidal ideation just to have the episode end because you are going mad, your body feels like there is something in it making you want to scream, pace, hit do all these things that normally are not you. Its like some outside force is attacking you. The emotions are so overwhelming and bad you would do anything possible to make it end. It is like that episode of Black Mirror when the bees get in their heads and the people are so enraged they have to kill themselves. I become someone totally different and scary. I often don't remember it certain moments and scare people. Im not a danger to myself anymore, but once was when I could not control my emotions using techniques. I have had to be admitted to the hospital when they first started, but I have learned techniques to calm my nervous system down. Honestly, there is nothing scarier in the world. I am highly educated and can function most days, but a trigger day is hell on earth and an episode is beyond anything anyone would ever want to experience because you are sane and awake for it, but wishing you weren't

[@dellamclendon5541]

It’s so scary how accurate you’re… I’m 39 and I just had my first ever manic episode I literally went crazy 😢 I’m scared to death now…..

[@Infinitykristy22]

I know no one is going to want to hear this, but it might help just one person. The Bible says we fight the principalities of darkness. We fight demons. We house them, they call us their home. If you are not filled with the Holy Spirit, you are filled with demons. There’s only one truth with the reality we live in and LOOK AROUND. We’re all going insane. We’re all having chaotic break downs and can’t figure out why. they’re demons. Only one power can cast them out. No one will want to hear this either but that power is God the father. You can only access him through Jesus. Muslims cannot cast demons out. Jews cannot. Buddhists cannot. Hindus cannot. And none of them can say truthfully they’ve witnessed a real miracle like the blinds eyes being opened, or the deathly I’ll being healed before their eyes. I have. I have had thrown up and choked from being delivered from demons. They attach to you because of the people you are around. I have also witnessed many miracles. I’ve seen a Muslim convert to Christianity and her cancer was completely gone the next day. She was dying, her God couldn’t do anything for her, but Yeshua did. There’s only one living power that can help you heal. No medicine, no anti depression pill, anti anxiety pill. None of that will work. It’ll only cause extreme side effects and mess up your hormones.(so much more) but turn to the only power that can take them away please. I don’t want humanity to suffer like this. We all think this is normal, it’s not. We wrestle not against flesh and blood(humans) but principalities of darkness(demons) turn to Jesus. He is your answer. Ask him to show you if it’s him or not, you don’t have to trust right away just look up to the sky and ask him to show you in his own way. Wait 1 week, you’ll get your answer. Probably within a day or two but let him choose his timing. I promise y’all, I’ve been healed from everything. BPD, anxiety, depression, cutting, suicidal plans, destruction. Pure self destruction. Now I love myself so much because I’m made in his image and he made me absolutely perfectly imperfect. We have to knock. Knock and the door will be opened. Good luck. We live in a world full of lies and false doctrines. Ask him for yourself which one is true. All the darkness will flee. Trust me. Try it ❤

[@FractalCodex7]

I have noticed abandonment is a very common aspect of BPD. Some people should just not be parents (to create such terrible abandonment issues).

[@lesleysmith3671]

I'm currently having an extreme episodes. It's terrifying and so I isolate because it's hard enough on me, I don't want others to have to deal with it and they refuse to even try to understand. It's a lonely, sad, frustrating place to be. I find myself intermittently yelling out, "PLEASE STOP!" ( to myself... I'm here alone) Being aware that you're behavior and racing heart and flooding constant thoughts and back and forth and back and forth are blah blah is ridiculous and exhausting and not productive, yet you take some more Vistrel and try to self talk to calm the panic. IT DOESNT GO AWAY. ITS A PHYSICAL, HRSRT RACING CONSTANT FEELING OF PANIC THAT TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY SEVERAL TIMES A DAY. ITS horrible and I wish I were different. I wish people understood. I wish they wanted to even try and understand, but that don't. People are too busy and want to tell me it's this or that without even educating themselves. So I isolate. My sister told me, I SUCK the LIFE out of her. I haven't talked to her in over a year now. I can't stand myself half the time either. Why would I wanna put that on anyone else? I'm tired and sad and tired of being misunderstood and desperately wanting to explain myself but can't find anyone who believes in mental illness stuff. I told my Dad I was depressed once years ago and all he had to say was, "that word is not part of our vocabulary " Sorry for the rant. I'm gonna grab my dog and try to relax and get some much needed rest. Be compassionate to those with BPD . We so desperately want to be more like you. We'd like nothing more than to just NOT FEEL sometimes and get over it. Trust me, if someone with BPD is annoying or getting on your nerves, they're on their own nerves X a thousand... Yeah, it sucks. I love you, Dr Rhamani. Thank you for all you do and all your videos. YOU ARE MY SAVING GRACE. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. THANK YOU

[@uzo_wonderfullymade]

Lesley, I hope you are able to find a community that supports you and validates you with everything that you’re going through. You are not alone sweetheart and I want you to know you ARE loveable. You ARE enough just the way you are, and the way you are is NOT your fault. I hope you know that even one person believes you & doesn’t take your story as drama. You are not ‘dramatic’ you are not draining, my dear you are NOT hard to love and you are worth it. ❤

[@MrsJen_xoxo]

@@uzo_wonderfullymade absolute rubbish. Bpd should be with other Bpd folk. Leave normal folk alone.

[@chrysalis72]

Your not alone sweetheart XXX we hear you from the ether. Everyday is new, everything constantly changes,it's going to be okay..huuuuugsx

[@chrysalis72]

Have you watched girl interrupted?

[@chrysalis72]

There's hope for BPD, not so for narcissistic and anti social behaviour symptoms. Demand therapy if necessary as this is traumatized and traumatic for you when you can't solve this alone. See you tube videos on survivors of this condition,it's at least managed.

[@courtneyhatesu6805]

after an episode i feel very crazy and alone and ashamed. i’m so glad for everyone in these comments making me feel less alone

[@timurdenisleam6762]

I’m with you

[@alau2058]

Yes. Same here.

[@wildchild7797]

I push people away CONSTANTLY! I am too afraid to let anyone in because I feel like I'll be a huge disappointment and they'll leave anyway.

[@JPenhorwood]

For me, there are times when it feels episodic. Under normal circumstances I struggle with my emotions and reactions, but sometimes, very infrequently, the fear of abandonment gets super triggered, and I emotionally get almost STUCK in this state of over-reacting where I will often push and push and push and push at the person I love most who I fear is abandoning me, pretty much guaranteeing that they will leave. I have an easier time getting myself out of an episode like that when I’m able to recognize what is happening, but the problem is recognizing it while you are in it. Because you DON’T have a clear perception or grip on reality at those times. Reality doesn’t even exist. In our minds it becomes entirely about the fear of abandonment which twists and warps our perception of what is really happening.

[@Angelina-xs2ld]

i was diagnosed at 16, i definitely have episodes where i’m acting “crazy” and it’s very frustrating and confusing

[@freespirithermit]

i just need to know something,do bpd people scream?? like literally

[@SusuAbsinthe]

@@freespirithermit Sometimes, if the emotions just get too much in a fight for example. It's an expression of inner pain and helplessness I guess....

[@freespirithermit]

@@SusuAbsinthe my teen sister does this, she's not embarrassed about this.she screams in the middle of arguments really loudly , its sorta wierd .

[@SusuAbsinthe]

@@freespirithermit If it is BPD related it could be that somebody just can't think strait anymore and the pure emotion just pours out. Maybe a mix of different negative emotions consuming them and the frustration of being misunderstood and helpless at the same time. But uh... Teenagers are also built different a bit so who knows exactly. If you can, maybe ask her about what she feels like and why. It's always good to know.

[@MB-xv7er]

No need to put the quotes around crazy. Y’all aren’t “crazy” you all are just CRAZY. There’s nothing safe or normal about any of you

[@b0rdermans]

Okay so you guys hit it on the nail. I have bpd symptoms. I was working on Sunday and I forgot to bring my peer a bag of ice. she said she was going to talk to someone higher up about it. I immediately wanted to quit. I wanted to completely avoid the situation that was happening in my head. I couldn’t fathom the idea of working because I believed that I KNEW my peer was upset with me. over a bag of ice.

[@Tyan0A]

@Jonathan Kent I'm curious to their answer. I have bpd symptoms as well and your question is most unanswerable to me. My reactions would be: I would be quiet. Probably feel very anxious. I'd start planning my escape from the situation. I would want to avoid that person at all costs, because I'd probably be very mean to them. Very condescending, rude, and ridiculous. In that moment I'd feel like I was totally in the right in my thoughts. "These idiots are mad over a bag of ice, fuck them." When nobody is mad. It's probably not even an issue. But to me, my body senses that the situation is dire. My body would be riddled with anxious pangs. I'd go home a few hoirs later, still obsessed with the "issue." And then realize what I just did. I would sink into a state of internal dialogue attacking myself for my behavior, thinking everybody hates me, etc. Very victim-centric type of thoughts. Then I'd slowly feel better and apologize as genuinely as possible. People will say, "You're okay, it was just a bag of ice. No worries." And then I'd feel like a stupid child. It crushes self-esteem to such a degree that in those types of moments I feel like any sense of rational act is almost out of the window. I rarely act my anger out, but apologies don't really work after that. Lots of burnt bridges. Practicing mindfulness seems to help with all of the above. But not always. In these "episodes" you're not in control of yourself. It's almost like you're just observing your monkey brain reacting to stimulus.

[@emilyr3155]

@@Tyan0A yup. I know someone with this. There is no rationalizing. Extremely toxic person. Extremely dangerous. I cant be around him...nobody can. I dont know what to say. I offered help. He doesnt know he has BPD but he does. He does to the extreme... it bothers me but I sympathize as much as I can. I drew the line when he threatened to "knock me out" when I was pregnant. I completely confronted his behavior and I dont take shit from him. The biggest and most important thing for people to do his confront the behavior to prove how irrational you are acting. Everyone walks on eggshells around hom so he doesnt get set off but nah I think you need to go head on with the devil and get it out of them. I noticed the sooner you call them out the faster they snap out of it.

[@sandramay8595]

@@emilyr3155 or they run away and shut you out....that's what happen to me everytime my x boyfriend was triggered by things I wasn't even aware I was doing....his projecting what he thought I was doing was unbelievable so off....relieved to not be walking on eggshell any longer.

[@sandramay8595]

@@emilyr3155 it's taking me forever to wrap my head and heart around this whole mess my life has become....because I wanted to love and be loved....sucks!!!! 💔

[@emilyr3155]

@@sandramay8595 you are probably too nice. They go after people are sweet and vulnerable. I see through people and I have a lot of empathy and compassion for people BUT when i start seeing the same pattern and behavior and they are stubborn enough not to stop or admit they're doing anything wrong then I draw the line and I am straightforward with them. Stop them in their tracks they will start to victimize themselves and blame everyone else around except themselves. Your past may have been broken but it's up to you how you will pull forward and create your future. This guy always refers to his family past and his dad and his mom yet he was so spoiled his whole life....

[@PresKen3920]

It feels like I’m taking a back seat in my own mind, forced to watch myself act and say things I don’t actually feel or mean just because my emotion is controlling me. In my most recent episode (I usually call them meltdowns because they’re emotional explosions) the emotions manifested in various ways and there was more than one emotion. The trigger was my fiancé failing to acknowledge something I said which made me feel an intense separation between us triggering a severe sense of abandonment and within seconds I was feeling panicked, raged and upset all at once. When I feel it building quickly within me, my immediate reaction is to throw something and then run away into another room, often slamming the door, sitting on the floor with my back against it and then ride the emotion back down to a simmer. During it, sometimes I need space, sometimes I need constant support and encouragmenet through the door and he just has to guess which. I recognise that he’s doing his best and he recognises that I can’t control it and neither of us hold anything against eachother. In saying that, if he rescts the wrong way it can escalate the situation to the point of me screaming at him to go away and elave me alone, perhaps even splitting to the point where I say I hate him and I never want to see him again. I might be hyperventilating in a panic, my body will seize up and become so tensed that my muscles are fatigued afterwards but because of the adrenaline I don’t recognise the physical pain as it is happening which is particularly bad if self harm is involved. Particularly lastnight, my meltdown felt akin to a cat trapped in a carrier who is traumatised of the carrier and is backed up frightened and panicked for their life but also ready to pounce on any threat that presents itself. I’ve noticed that if the right subsequent actions happen after I am triggered, a meltdown can simmer as quickly as it starts but the same can be said for the opposite happening. If I am continously triggered afterwards, it can last a few hours, perhaps all day. Either way it feels like hell during it, like I have zero control and like everything is crashing down around me and I can’t do anything about it.

[@El.the.therian.]

My mother is schizophrenic. I was diagnosed with BPD 14 years ago, after a 5 year abusive relationship I've also got ptsd now, and I experince psychotic breaks.

[@Sameoldfitup]

“We all live in a house on fire, no fire department to call; no way out, just the upstairs window to look out of while the fire burns the house down with us trapped, locked in it.”― Tennessee Williams

[@bigtimefans100]

_This couldn't have been described any better._ I remember reading Tennessee Williams's _A Streetcar Named Desire_ when I was in my AP Lit class my senior year of high school; is this from a play or just a quote he said?

[@allielee5000]

I become a different person if I feel like I’m not loved or wanted even though I actually know I am. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

[@nahiedlaila9601]

Same here!

[@nahiedlaila9601]

@BPD World thank you so much🥰🥰❤i have my ups and downs but i dont wanna give up i have too much to lose

[@yvonnehardy179]

I know I'm not loved or wanted by those I seek love from. I try meeting new people but they be evil. I'm scared to meet anyone in this evil world now. Everyone's a narcissist and out to destroy others for power and a buck.

[@heidik-lady8135]

@@yvonnehardy179 a support group might have good people? I met some in church back in my darkest times & it helped me so much. 🌞

[@BE-jf7ke]

My mother is borderline, yesterday she said all kinds of hurtful stuff to me and had a full-on borderline outburst because of a question I asked her, she perceived my question as me pointing out a character flaw in her, she created this illusion for herself and ran with it to cause drama. The usual gaslighting stuff she has always been saying is that I am not able to show empathy, I'm insecure, that I have a victim mentality, that I'm too sensitive, she doesn't validate my feelings, etc. I stood my ground, was polite and reasonable, and set boundaries but I still feel like absolute dogshit because it's futile to argue or show the BPD person the truth, what I meant by the initial question I asked, trying to have a reasonable convo with a BPD person who bursts out is like infecting yourself with cancer on purpose, it slowly kills you inside and makes you lose track of reality even when you think you are able to deal with this illness. The gaslighting has an effect on me even though I am aware of it. She lures me in at first by saying something I agree with, something that is reasonable or a true experience from my past, after that she has me hooked and I start to listen to her deceptions. Any conversation with her is so energy depleting and she sucks the soul out of everyone close to her. I made the mistake again of thinking I can have a normal conversation with her.

[@LearnTarotandWitchery]

I so relate to the slow kill comment. "Injecting cancer" YES Thanks for sharing.

[@kimclark5736]

"it slowly kills you inside and makes you lose track of reality". Yep, I totally feel that way after I've been sucked into my BPD's rage vortex.

[@nabman7425]

Exactly, as if you are dealing with cancer! These diseased ppl are ugly and purposefully intend to hurt other ppl!

[@kumashock4074]

I feel this. You can’t help people that won’t help themselves. You are strong and brave. I wish you the best

[@iioromannic.]

i go from being blinded by hate and telling my boyfriend that I'm ending the relationship, to begging him to forgive me and never leave me. its always over the smallest of things, and I feel as if I cant help it.

[@hotdogwater9580]

It feels like being trapped in a small cage with an angry lion, and everytime the lion acts out everyone thinks its you, and you can do nothing but take the blame.

[@nomnikelonizak23]

Can definitely relate I’m literally the family monster just want to disappear sometimes

[@briannaamaro590]

@@nomnikelonizak23 dude same i was the problem of my house my entire life always getting in fights with my parents or siblings.

[@tabithasuzuma]

That is such a helpful analogy! I used to think I hated my BPD sister. Now I realise it’s the lion she lives with that I hate, not my sister herself!

[@lameesaawan]

As I'm watching this video I'm actually going through a BPD episode because I was triggered by something my dad said and when I get triggered I withdraw from everyone and I just start remembering everything I don't want to remember. It's like a cycle of memories rolling in my head, I remember my traumas and how my feelings were neglected by my family and that makes me feel like I resent my parents at that moment, I also start thinking about everything I dislike about my life and myself so I eventually I get very overwhelmed by the amount of thoughts rolling in my head and I start feeling unsafe and trapped somehow I also feel like I wanna scream at everyone around me for misunderstanding me all the time but I never say anything I just lock it all in and withdraw in complete silence. I used to cut back in the days to mange my anger but I stopped and I must say it's very hectic to hold myself back from cutting but I managed not to do so for a year now. I really wish people can understand that going through such episode everyday is more than tiring it sucks life out of you and we as individuals with BPD usually feel very scared of having an episode because the pain is so real it burns you inside.

[@yvonnehardy179]

The comment i can relate to the most. Thanks so much for posting this and I truly hope the best for you. This disorder has totally ruined my life and even my ability to bare current again because I took rat poisoning to show a person who told me they were tired of me crying over my children who were legally separated from me, and so he told me to commit suicide and stop saying I didn't want to live. I need some serious help.or I'm gonna end up dead. Not going back to anyones psych ward. I checked.myself in for help.and was treated like a criminal. I'd rather be in jail. Haven't made any suicide attempts since the rat poisoning some years ago in 2004 or 05. Thank God! I truly value.myself but just need to get around some folks who value me.

[@lameesaawan]

@@yvonnehardy179 the fact that you’ve survived all this makes you very strong. Yeah you need to be around people that will recognize you strength and most importantly you’ve to believe in you because after all we’re all alone fighting our own battles. I wish you all the best in your battle.

[@mikaylawiltse168]

This is the most accurate, hitting the nail on the head, word for word most real and relatable explanation of what it’s like to have a bpd “episode”

[@sehlaw5311]

I can relate to it all

[@karanjaggi8438]

Me too

[@brittneyriggs1305]

My reactions or episodes as I call them look different depending on the situation. In an intense episode I usually first experience a deep dissociation. This can feel like an alternate identity with a sense of rage, fearlessness, and lack of emotion/empathy. When I return to my former state I cry like a child having a tantrum and feel a sort of age regression where I am taken back to the state of my first memories of experiencing extreme emotional distress, neglect, and abandonment. I often lash out and push people away. I call them horrible names, I say the most hurtful things you can imagine, and I tell them to leave and never speak to me again although I don’t want then to leave. When they do, it confirms they never cared about me because no one ever has or will and I feel worthless. This is when the suicidal ideation happens. I use self harm to numb and express my feelings of worthless and hate for myself. I self isolate and cut off all forms of other relationships if they aren’t at my beck and call, text back, or invite me. This only furthers my feelings of worthlessness. Then I begin a pattern of self destructive behavior to cope like mixing medications with large amounts of alcohol that could potentially be fatal and waking up with no recollection of sexual encounters I’ve had the night before. Then the guilt and shame sets in. I put myself in dangerous situations and go on excessive shopping sprees and make impulsive decisions. But as soon as I hear from my FP or find a new one the cycle breaks and I’m on cloud 9. But it repeats constantly in all aspects of my life. My response to an emotional trigger or distorted thought varies depending on the situation.

[@honestlyy9077]

That sounds exactly like me. Reading what you wrote about the age regression made so much damn sense to me! I cry like a baby, i get on the floor and stomp my feet and pinch the ground, I wail and find myself wanting to scream for my mom or dad to help me… the two who abandoned me. I disassociate in this phase sometimes, and even though the episode was caused by something completely unrelated, it feels like I am watching my younger self scream and cry and beg for love, which only makes me scream and cry more, it’s like the child version is crying, and my adult self is having a meltdown watching it, while the initial triggering scenario plays on loop in the background :( I’m so sorry you also have to live with these horrible things, but it is so validating to read that your episodes look just like mine in the same order. I wish you peace 💜

[@bryanhong766]

wow I've never realized how many people feel either the same way as me or have similar feelings that have been shared with others. I genuinely feel really good knowing that I'm not alone feeling, thinking and behaving the way I am

[@charlessage6337]

I had a girl I loved and would overthink when I get no response from messages. I would always tell her things like "are you cheating on me?" "are you done with me?" or "do you want me to leave you alone?". Even if she says no I'll still think it's not good enough and push her away to see if it will make her feel bad and come closer to me. I hate the manipulation and I see what I'm doing but I can't stop it. It sucks because I don't want to move on but I pushed her so far that she's done with me and regret everything I have done because I am nothing without her. Does this correlate to most people who are in love and have BPD?

[@bean7496]

@@Kellergirl does he know you have bpd?

[@leticiahuffman6610]

Same here with my husband it leads to abondonement I fear this every day when it comes to my marriage it’s become draining for my spouse . I don’t know what to do anymore I just know that I need to get better because my relationship is affected by this disorder .

[@Kellergirl]

@@bean7496 I've talked to him about it. He doesn't think BPD is real. He ended the friendship this week. And I am so heartbroken.

[@bean7496]

@@Kellergirl I'm so sorry.. but its probably for the best, at least now you know the good friends from the bad.

[@laurenmarie9332]

Yes

[@loridameron3838]

My husband suffers from this and this is exactly what happens during his trigger. I've gotten really good at noticing the subtle changes that occur as this happens to him. His eyes, face and body changes slowly at first and then he's gone. His trigger is always perceived abandonment like he experienced and severe trauma and abuse both physical and psychological in his childhood. I've learned a great deal and made it my mission to understand this disorder and tone in voice is key with my husband. I'm also able to talk him through the disproportionate anger and he's learned to back away and do something different in a positive and constructive way so until can stabilize his emotion and is back. There are many more factors involved for my husband but he has worked very hard on himself to identify the signs, triggers and unfound feelings that fuel the "moments" as we call them, that can show up unprovoked or seemingly out of the blue. It also helps that he trusts me and my commitment to our marriage and ultimately him. When he was younger it was very explosive for him and sudden. He was a danger to himself and others. It has dramatically reduced now that he is 50 years old. Maturity has also diminished the "moments" in that he is more aware of it and as it starts.

[@dariacirlan8538]

i have been diagnosed with BPD a few years ago, and i can definitely relate to having these episodes. one small thing can happen and i just start overthinking the worst, assume the other person does not care about me or my feelings, and i always say things i don’t mean. in that moment no drop of rationality can help me, no matter how hard i try. going to therapy HAS been helping me learn how to control these episodes better so y’all better go to therapy if you’re here watching this video

[@victoriagatewood7736]

There was this time- to my great shame- where I had just gotten home from washing my car at the carwash and I had forgotten something at the carwash because I was distracted about getting home to write a paper for school. When my dad reminded me about what I forgot, I was completely enraged and I screamed in my driveway. I drove away to get what I left, realized I forgot my wallet at home, came back home, absolutely sobbing my eyes out, drove back to the carwash- which was only 5 minutes away- and I retrieved what I had initially forgotten. I was immediately filled with shame and guilt, and I couldn't stop apologizing to my family for acting like a fool. The whole time, I knew I was being completely irrational, and I was mortified, but I felt like I was living outside of myself. Thank you so much MedCircle for reminding me that I'm not alone on this struggle

[@katherinewoolums7814]

People who are borderline are and can be amazing people. We struggle sometimes but we always bounce back. I work everyday on getting better and keeping myself from hitting rock bottom again.

[@angelaaguilar6976]

I was diagnosed with bpd and a few other disorders, and to me It feels like everything in my life is inconsistent. Lonely, because I tend to build really intense relationships and then I ruin them without even realizing I did. And the fear of abandonment gets so bad I can’t eat anymore. My mind is always on, no sleep. I’m constantly racking my thoughts, thinking too hard too long. I try my best to control my impulsiveness behaviors. A lot of times after I experience an “episode” I know I’m being irrational. But I feel like I can’t tell what’s real. In terms of feelings. I can’t tell if what I’m feeling is real, like am I supposed to be feeling this way. Is this the correct response, or am I being irrational. I have such a strong distrust in myself. Emotions are so strongly felt. I feel like I have a switch in my head that just flicks to suicidal when I’m put in a certain situations. Sometimes when I am happy, I feel on top of the damn world. Like abnormally chipper, exploding with energy. I just know my family sees my inconsistent moods but their support always helps. If anyone can relate to these feelings, just please know you’re not alone. All my prayers and love go to you.

[@Raquelinax]

omg yes. I felt all of this so much, especially the not knowing if what i'm feeling and how i'm acting is rational. sending you lots of love as well ❤️

[@ShizelMaNizel]

I hear all of this 🥰. Thank you

[@LovingLandonLibioron]

I feel like I’m drowning in this. Thanks for making me feel a bit better

[@paxanimasol1761]

You described everything exactly as I feel. I lack a supportive family in the sense that they are toxic. Narcissistic mother, alcoholic father, detached grandfather, drug addicted sister. I have my toddler, and my husband. Who, in a moment of severe depression, panic, and impulsivity in response to a traumatic event, I made myself believe my husband was the one hurting me. I had an affair, and my husband forgave me. Every day I feel worthless and undeserving. Guilty every minute of every hour and constantly in fear he will lift a veil and leave me. And I would deserve it. I know I would. But the idea of losing the only stable thing in my life that has loved me unconditionally, that has suffered so much, that deserves so much better, is unbearable to the point it allows suicidal thoughts to filter in so subtly I almost don't recognize them happening right away. Because I'd deserve that. My son deserves better. My husband definitely deserves better. My trauma was no excuse to hurt another. I shouldn't be allowed to get away with that. Get what I want while everyone else hurts because of me. I can switch from excited and euphoric to anger so bad I've feared for others in my path - in hindsight when the rollercoaster has slowed. I get so anxious that my racing thoughts ultimately find something that throws me into depression for hours and hours. And hours. No sleeping. No eating. Just thinking and never knowing how I'll feel or what kind of day I'll have. I'm not alone, but the pain feels lonely. It isolates me mentally and emotionally. It feels like dissociation is how I survive sometimes. It takes away time I would otherwise be off the rails. But then it's hard to remember and recognize what's real anymore. What I said or didn't say. Did or didn't do. I hope anyone struggling with bpd finds a light to help them see even a single foothold of stability in the otherwise unpredictable lives.

[@joaquimramis4124]

Omg not trusting your own mind and emotions is so shit. Basicaly you cannot make any decision so how the fuck are you supposed to live

[@NikkiNicole2124]

I finally was diagnosed after 2 years. They thought bipolar and then finally said BPD. When I read what it was it was finally a relief because I had something I can actually relate too. Impulsive, fear of abandonment, but didn't even realize that's what I was doing. So thankful for KZbin channels like this

[@savannashaw9253]

how did you get people too see and believe you? without them thinking your actually crazy and just a hypercontriac

[@savannashaw9253]

because i struggle with that

[@leafyveins4985]

These videos are helping me so much. Sometimes just having a little more information on something scary makes it less scary to face. Thank you for the quality conversations and knowledge

[@the-queenmaleficent7727]

I have bpd and find it impossible to find friends and that’s all that I want. It’s so lonely.

[@Temari0403]

Yea same. I really want close friends and amazing connections but I push people away when they get too close cause now I’m terrified.

[@the-queenmaleficent7727]

Celeste Betances it always feels like they let me down too, either I except too much or my perception is warped . I get very hurt when people arnt as loyal as o am

[@SpicyRikers]

@@the-queenmaleficent7727 oh my god the loyalty thing really resonates with me.

[@breathinggreen2790]

It's not lonely, it's peaceful. Be a friend to yourself . 😊

[@emilymarkwith4338]

I always know when it’s going to happen it’s like another part of me is taking over and my real self is quietly in the corner trying to make it stop

[@asdfghjkl8236]

Proud that I haven’t self harmed or done any distrustful things after this “abandonment” it really does get better !!!!🖤🖤🖤🖤

[@abigailfeatherstone3549]

What I consider an “episode” is when I am angry, or very sad and uncontrollably crying. I often throw things and scream and yell and engage in self harm. And then as I come out I just feel incredibly guilty and that increases how distressed I am and will keep me down for a long time.

[@DiDiMartin70]

As the loved one of a person with BPD, it is exhausting for us too. It would sometimes take me days to recuperate from a jag of paranoia where my loved one would come at me for hours talking; alternating between a panicked crying, pleading voice and an angry accusing voice. It was like being slammed by a tsunami and then yanked around by its drowning erratic currents. I actually couldn’t do it anymore and I’m still not back to normal yet. I still spend days feeling dismayed and paralyzed.

[@s.l.r.9407]

I feel you. I had to go NC sadly, and I am not the same person anymore. Sometimes I feel like I've been emotionally abused. It's hard.

[@user-jn7if5cv5s]

I’m exhausted and my spirit breaks more and more with every episode. The hurtful, hateful comments, and breaking of my things is one thing. But the torment of seeing her tormented is Hell personified

[@taniac4063]

Yes if I find some who has bpd and they try starting on me it’s bye bye. After putting your with staying 3 years with a bpd lying manipulating stalking constantly calling from work just to check I’m not cheating while he was non stop on dating sights and hiding my phones and hanging up on my relatives who called me swearing at anyone calling me and trying to choke me. I now make sure I live in a bpd free zone. After watching my cousin get clingy and having a different boyfriend every month and trying to control who I spoke to and going through my friends lists to check I had deleted the bf she had pushed away on fb. Constantly chasing men and trying to stick her tongue in their mouth in front of everyone at Christmas lunch to get validation. Then telling me I’m not allowed to be friends with our facial lady and then trying to get her fired from her job for attending her bday party for revenge. I happy that she wiped me out of her life. I don’t need to be in the Vinci nuru of these toxic emotional vampires.

[@taniac4063]

@@s.l.r.9407 you probably have been emotionally abused and been given silent treatment and got and cold treatment. Silent treatment is emotional abuse.

[@s.l.r.9407]

@@taniac4063 and been shouted at, threatened with suicide multiple times, and been the target of social media harrassment since they tell everybody I am an abuser (just because I went no contact and they didn't like that). Oh, and had to endure them abusing my parents as well - seeing you mother cry and being powerless to stop it changes you. I just want to be left alone, heal from the trauma and forget about everything.

[@stacieshaw2032]

BPD episode is when you’re suddenly without warning beyond agitated 😡 snap and freak out 🤬 and everybody in the room is looking like 😳 wtf just happened ....

[@Lola_Nico]

It’sa meeee

[@sristighimire8707]

i was diagnosed with BPD recently. I was always struggling to know why am i like this. one moment i love the person, and sometimes i dont wanna see them, i dont feel like i have any feelings for them and then boom i start wanting them, i realise i love them. I always felt like i am the toxic one. seeing the comment below have shocked me. never thought this was some sort of mental illness. im happy im not the only one.

[@emsik185]

I am exactly like that, unstable, but time to learn how to be more stable so others can trust us more...

[@charlenequick4631]

I see it like a tornado. When I’m having an “episode” after something triggered me, it creates this tornado that just absolutely destroys everything in its path, specifically the thing or person that triggered it. It’s like my logical self takes a back seat or is not in control and the chaotic, emotional self has taken over and once the tornado calms down and my logical self is back in control, the damage is already done. People have been hurt, or cut off, bridges have been burnt and I am left having to grieve their loss from my life. The guilt is also very overwhelming after the tornado hit. You look back at the damage and go “OMG what have I done” and it’s just too late to do anything to fix it.

[@mollyscott9676]

i was recently diagnosed and everything makes sense. for me, little impulsive thoughts turn into detrimental life decisions. little arguments turn into blown out violence, screaming, crying, and absolute panic. i've condemned myself for these "crazy" and "psychotic" episodes and have burnt so many bridges in the process. i've often turned to drugs, sex, and runnimg away at night as a distraction. i've hurt my family and my friends. i'm living with so much shame, but after reading these comments i feel like i've found my glimmer of hope. i came across this video completely lost, but now i understand that there are other people who i can share these experiences with. reply and i will be more than happy to talk if you need someone to talk to!

[@toxendon]

sex and overeating for me. I can't believe I might finally have an answer to the undefinable pain I have felt the past 15 years of my life. For the first time I feel that I might not be an evil or bad person after all

[@siennasnow3414]

I feel the same way. I keep feeling crazy. Like im not myself. I just turn to drugs and distractions because bpd is so hard. It's good to talk to someone about it.

[@BBWahoo]

Are you the protagonist from the new Turning Red movie? Lol

[@cal8462]

I’ve been struggling for years with controlling my anger and my emotions. I never found out about BPD until a few weeks ago and since then I am convinced i have it. I’m going to speak to someone about it tomorrow

[@ASMinor]

I have BPD, I am an avid #MentalHealthAwareness advocate and spoken word performer, and I love this so much. I travel the country trying to bring that awareness on stages, in classrooms, hospitals, and on my KZbin channel, so I get excited when I see other advocates.

[@Kristen-6325]

short and sweet. so accessible. THANK YOU for putting out these MH videos!

[@Hopemarie5667]

I don't know if anyone feels like this but I have a really hard time with 'emotional memory' like I will go through something life threatening and forget how I felt in the moment and repeat the behavior again. For example I overdosed and my heart stopped when I took tegrotal then a couple months later I took it again because it was 'helping' before I overdosed on it. I see myself going back to situations, people, and even medication that is bad for me because I can't feel emotions consistently.

[@crissieasmr7765]

You’re having adhd issues!!!!! It’s cognitive!!!! Get treatment for add/adhd!!! Trust me. You will be able to focus and remember emotional learning!!!

[@lilbitlottabit]

Diagnosed when I was 17, I agree that there a consistency (due to previous trauma, it causes me to live in a constant state of panic/fear which impacts how I socialize and cope with things) I also feel that once triggered, I start to ramp up, lose touch with reality/myself, and feel as if I’m disoriented. After these “ramped up” moments, I always feel numb to emotion & very tired. Once I sleep, usually I’m back to myself. I’ve never came out about having BPD, so this is the first time I’m openly talking about it with my name attached. 😬

[@catrasauce]

Also diagnosed at 17, actually just came out of a small episode right now. I can definitely agree with you about the feeling numb part, honestly just waiting for the feeling to disappear.

[@brandon9172]

17 and diagnosed. But its pretty obvious I've had this for years before now.

[@lindseywest9203]

Much love proud of you!

[@exnihilonihilfit6316]

Your name is not really there. Now post all your names. And address, and phone number. :D

[@danasimickova8795]

kaylee xo this is exactly how I would describe it. Be strong and know that you’re not the only one ❤️

[@jessibrown7763]

I was clinically diagnosed with BPD about two years ago. I have always struggled with interpersonal relationships. They can be extremely tremulous. I’ve struggled through years of self harm and suicidal ideation as well as extreme bouts of anxiety. I’ve even had situations where I have completely dissociated from myself which can be quite scary. I was reluctant to seek therapy but I did for the sake of my kids. To show them that you can do hard things.

[@miss_drama]

I have bpd and I feel so embarrassed that it's hard to apologize 😔 over and over but I still make it an absolute priority to apologize and express how absolutely sh*tty I feel, each and every single time.

[@miss_drama]

@@emsik185 I'd be down for that!

[@miss_drama]

@@emsik185 Ut, you?

[@lucynicholas9489]

Finding a decent and knowledgeable doctor who truly understands BPD is like almost impossible.

[@Hellakiddie]

Agree

[@em9040]

I was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago and I've also been in DBT therapy (going on 6-7 months) and today I had an episode so bad (my partner and I had an argument) that I had to go home in the middle of my shift at work because I physically couldn't pull myself together, I feel like such an outkast and a failure and weak.... It's mostly when I have a conflict with someone I really care about.

[@claudiavaluntine1914]

Here are some of my experiences written down in a few words: - sudden anger that escalates in rage and extreme pain within minutes, and triggered by almost anything that reminds me of some past traumatic experience. Sometimes it can escalate to physical aggression, or doing something really stupid, without thinking of consequences. In those moments, you have no God, no laws, no rules. The only think you know is that your must let that anger out, otherwise you go crazy. Literally! And it feels really good at the moment. Then, once you calm down, which can happen after one or several episodic outbursts, then you feel bad, guilt, shame, and feel crying, after which everything changes. Either taking pills and cutting myself, including a major artery that required emergency operation, when I was younger, to run away from home/school/workplace and drink myself to the point of throwing up. Or, as it happened at one period in my life, taking hard drugs. Now, the shame in certain situations is so big, like in the case of an outburst happenening at a workplace or with a best friend, that simply you just want to disappear forever. And I did it, never looking back. This is how, for people like me, have an incapacitating inability to keep a job or a friend. - With an intimate partner or parents, the story is different! You want to keep them/that person close to you, almost obsessed, while, as in the case of an abusive partner, you may feel like killing him/her, at the same time. And it always has to be "my way or the highway", sometimes to the point of manipulation. Is a mixed feeling, and this is when often happens the harming of yourself to deal with the pain, but just enough to make it an "attention call" or a "help cry". With such people who are dearest to us, usually happens to get very aggressive to a bad physical fight. - On the other side, we look "normal". Some of us are intelligent. I finished a university degree (took me 7 years, though, perhaps because I also have complex ADHD) in Earth science at the age of 47, while as a child I was more shy, lacked confidence, and just passed the classes, except in physical education classes8, where all my marks were A or A+. I actually went on to be become a professional rhythmic gymnast, and was best at national level in running 800m and breast- and back-stroke swimming. Staying active always seemed to help a lot in getting out the accumulated stresses, in focusing, and be a happier person. - most times I feel I was chosen for some reason to suffer and feel pain. Sometimes I have vivid dreams, including with alien beings (happens once, and was not a nightmare). I feel that my life has a bigger purpose at the end, something grandiose, like helping humanity survive in a post apocalyptic world. I know, this is probably comes as a copying mechanism. I daydream a lot, excessively, actually. I have an exceptionally good intuition, that gut feeling that drives me all the time. Now, I am not exactly sure if my emotions gives me the gut feelings that ultimately creates my reality, or else. - but when years passes by accumulating so many traumatic experiences and failed relationships, jobs, schools, and friends, that makes you extremely exhausted and always tired, fatique. You feel like you have no energy left in your body or brain to function "properly" anymore (at least in our point of view). Then you turn to social services to help you, and the biggest disappointment perhaps in life is when they refuse to believe you having all these issues, because all they can see is that "you weren't sick to finish a degree, you worked all your life to that point, you seem physically very fit and healthy", so instead of helping you, by directing or referring you to a specialist so that you can get a disability assistance instead if a welfare, they rather tell you that "I don’t see any problem with you; you look totally normal". Which for you is even more confusing, then you simply start spirling downwards, getting into binge eating, binge shopping, binge drinking and/or using hard drugs. That in turn, brings you in a financial crisis, bad debts, and even loosing a house or a rented home. - interestingly, sometimes, to show the people hurting you, you get a last burst of energy to get yourself back on your feet. This was my case when I came to Canada from a post communist Eastern European country, years ago, when I went back to school to get a degree, in my 40s, after being a drug addict, homeless, living on streets, and in an abusive relationship, and finally, opening my own arts and crafts gift shop, after loosing a geology job and refused help by the social services. Oh, and not to mention, legally changed my name 3 times and my look constantly, to fit my moods, hopes and fixed beliefs. - Unfortunately, when I lost my company within a year, due to COVID-19, that caused another wave of shock and disappointment in my life to the point of no return. At least how I feel right now and the situation I am in. One of my long-term roommate died in a heart attack, perhaps because of me (?) after a big fight, lost my hope and confidence to ever get another job in my field, took very bad decisions instantly and in anger to the point that I lost my beautiful rental home, and I even managed to get myself in a very sticky situation with a neighbor, who took me in to help me, and who even had serious thoughts to becoming in relationship with me. Well, all my known intimate relationships were abusive, and thus, subconsciously, I do what I do to make sure that will never ever happen to me again. So, I got kicked out from that place too. Now, I am driving across the country with my 2 dogs and a cat, wandering and wondering what is my purpose in this life. And when I feel really good about a place and thinking of settling down there, I get this thought, some kind of rush in my head to keep moving, to try out other places, while elsewhere I get a bad feeling or vibe, then change direction again. And I end up even more confused and disappointed, struggling to buy gas or food, and truly feel like I am again on the verge of a very bad breakdown. So, this was and still is my roller coaster life, up to this age of 55. What's next? Truthfully, I have no idea! I am very bad in planning, as I can never follow them, so I just take it one minute after another. Which is better then constantly living in the past. However, the past always manages to catch up with me in different forms. But at least I know now that I have Borderline Personality Disorder, in addition to complex ADHD, complex PTSD, and (secondary) depression. And anxiety and lots of panic attacks, to the point of feeling like having heart attacks. I even had to call an ambulance a couple of times. Have I mentioned dissociative symptoms, sometimes severe enough to not know what I have done in the past half day or how I got to a certain place, to the extent of confusion? A childlike voice, a very cluttered speech (unlike my writing). Not understanding grammar, but good in learning foreign languages. I heard voices twice in my life. The first one was terryfying to the point of crying to my late mother not to go to work (at a night shift). I was 20. Serious memory problems (working/short-term memory). But a more than perfect long-term memory, where I can remember many many things, and very vividly, from the age of a few months old. When I shared those memories with my mother, her jaw dropped speechless. Then she said it's impossible, like when I described how exactly my stroller looked like, the color, the texture (it was wooden), how exactly those wooden bars were put together, the size of the tires, how I faced her, and how the shape of the side windows looked like seing from inside, when the stroller was closed on a rainy day. She said that when I was about 6 months old, she got me another stroller for me, so she couldn't explain how is possible for me to remember. I said I know the other stroller too, tall, with big tires, because I used to hang on it while my mother pulled my little brother in it, who is a year younger than me. And many other things, like when she was working night shifts and I couldn't sleep. A frog kept coming inside our home, every night, and I remember being in awe watching the frog's phosphorescent eyes in the dark. My mother said later that for 3 times in a row she found that frog in my little bed in the morning. Lol. ☺️ And then a chronic insomnia, all my life, since I know myself. Am I weird? Yes! Am I unique? Hell, yes! But I also desperately need help dealing with this/these disabling mental health problem/s! Thank you for sharing these videos with us, they offer tremendous amounts of information and a good starting point pointing us towards the right direction. And hope that my story will help you to deepen your understanding about this disease!

[@DivineLightPaladin]

You described so much of my life 💔❤️‍🩹

[@paulinadowning8458]

Your story has brought me to tears, I can’t imagine how hard Your life has been! I most certainly hope you find peace and joy. God be with you!

[@monicaabrudan1]

May God help , watch and guide your life. I wish you all the good in the world.👍👍

[@Smithl325749]

Thank you for this vivid picture into your world.

[@katelynnichole]

I have severe borderline personality disorder, I was diagnosed at 18 but it was on the table that that was my diagnosis since I was 14, I am now 30 and have been in and out of hospitals and residential programs since I was 12 years old. It effects my life so much I can not work and have been on disability for 12 years. I do have my own family that is my boyfriend since we were thirteen and have been together 17 years and have 3 children our oldest son who is 13, I got pregnant at 16 and had him at 17, then we have a 9 year old daughter and a 9 month old baby daughter. I’m am lucky to still have Justin my boyfriend of 17 years and father to my children. I’m lucky because he really does love me and I know this because no one else would deal with what he’s been through with me. It was until a couple weeks ago I’ve realized I am the problem but there are still days I will get triggered and worked up into what I’ve been told is called a psychotic episode and I think I hate him and I end up having no control. It will start with me getting triggered and I will keep saying the same things over and over trying to get him to understand my point of what I’m trying to get him to understand and I get more and more escalated and I will historically cry and then hyperventilate and shake and will keep repeating the same sentences over n over n then he gets upset and take everyt he says has being mean to me and I will try and I will follow him around the feeling is just so physical and the panic is unbearable and I can’t breath it feels like and sometimes will start pulling my hair out or digging my skin and I just feel rage and hurt it so hard to explain and I just end up begging him to hold me and will keep saying I’m sorry and my anger turns to sadness, confusion, and fear of him leaving me there alone in that state of mind at that point I don’t even know what happened to get to that point but sometimes when this happens he can’t help me because he can’t put his feelings aside to hold me and say nice things to me that help me to get out of it so I just beg and beg for him to hold me and saying I’m sorry I don’t know what happening but I don’t get it because it will start with me turning to feeling hate like I actually feel like I hate him and screaming so loud and will say nasty unspeakable things and blaming him for getting me like that and will keep going unsatisfied with his responses to what I’m saying to the point he ends up getting upset with me and will say something I usually take as him attacking me. He a lot will run out the door when this happens and I will think he’s not coming back and freak out but he always comes back and then will talk with me and says he leaves so I can cool down because he gets scared of what I’ll do and says he doesn’t know what do when this happens. I can never think of how I should have gone about it or that maybe the situation wasn’t how I perceived it to be until the damage is usually already done. I never know really what got me to that point or what exactly what I’ve done I end up just feeling so guilty and beating myself up because I don’t know why or how this happens or how to stop it. L I get like this with my too, she’s always called the cops on me because I use to freak out to the point of smashing anything infront of me and hurting others and myself. I have come a long ways I guess if you compare me to how I use to act, I’ve learned a little self control over the years but not enough to stop these episodes I just handle them better. I don’t cut myself anymore and I haven’t in like 4 years, the last couple times I only got a few staples but 10 years ago was the worst I had ever cut myself, first I overdosed with a bottle of unknown medication and then cut myself on both arms with a box cutter multiple times and was found the next morning and rushed to the hospital and got a total of 83 staples between both arms. Come to find out the random bottle I found and took of medication was actually some sort of blood pressure med or something but anyways it made it so I didn’t bleed out and die. I have attempted suicide a few times mostly by trying to overdose and tried hanging myself once and strangling by self by wrapping string multiple times around my neck, the longest I’ve been hospitalized is 1 year and a month “13 months”. I have experienced many times with drugs this last time a year in a half ago I actually got addicted for the first time and it went on for four months and we lost everything including our home and my mom took our kids and when we got clean we were homeless and got pregnant a month in of being clean but we did stay clean and got a new apartment moved in 2 days before our newest edition was born. We have since gotten custody of our first 2 oldest kids. Things right now are going pretty good lately but I feel like good is never here to stay because I have gone 2 years before staying steady and doing well or what I consider as doing well and then it’s like I always find a way to sabotage what’s good. I also am diagnosed with PTSD, severe Anxiety, Depression, ocd, dermatillomania, and involuntary anerexia. The amount of multiple multiple different medications I’ve tried is sickening there is so many. I’m on nothing right now but I smoke a lot of marijuana since I was 13. I’d be here for days and days if I were to explain my life story and what’s happened living with BPD. I’m ashamed the amount of people I’ve slept with impulsively, I used to cheat on Justin constantly and never knew why because I’ve always been madly in love with him, we have had so many break ups, I used to as soon as he would leave would start talking to other guys sleeping around trying to occupy myself, now if he leaves I wait as hard as it can be to not lose all control for him to come back. I wish I could find real help, help that actually works and can understand what go through, lately my skin picking as I attack my face is so bad my face hurts I’m always constantly destroying it leaving open lesions , it will bleed so much and it keeps me inside, I only leave my house when I have to , it will get clear but still so scarred but that had only ever lasted a week or too, I spend hours a day in the mirror, I’m to embarrassed to go anywhere, I’ve missed thanksgiving last month because of my face. there no help for me I feel like there no meds that help or therapy for pole like me unless ur rich and can go to an actual residential treatment program for BPD or skin picking disorder, it’s ruining me as a person I hate myself I feel so ugly now, no one knows how bad it rlly is, I’ve gotten very good at make up and covering it up so I can’t even tell I pick my skin, lately is so bad though I can’t even put make up on. it’s really too bad I could never find a psychiatrist/doctor like you to get the right help.

[@laineynae7943]

I have borderline personality disorder, and when I’m triggered, there’s no stopping me. You can do everything you can to try and calm me down, but you will not be able to.

[@moirabij734]

Same here. I become a hurricane of rage and nothing or no-one is spared.

[@moirabij734]

if I could control these outbursts it wouldn't be a problem now, would it? That's why it qualifies as a mental illness as the behaviour is literally out of that person's control. If you don't understand this, you have a lot to learn. Obviously it is your choice to remove yourself from anyone's life.

[@s.d.225]

@Gretchen K. Exactly - I would like to ask - is there medication? I feel for people that suffer from this but I also feel for the husbands/wives/children of these that just have "no-one is spared" rage. That is NOT okay.

[@realman3841]

yes very true... were you in any relationship? if yes you left your partner just for argument? also did you like him or love him ?

[@laineynae7943]

@@s.d.225 I don’t think so. You gotta change your way of living to alleviate the symptoms.

[@aesus8100]

Fantastic series! Thank you both for bringing these topics to light. BPD takes a toll on the diagnosed person & their loved ones. Pretty sure it will be a life long battle for me, but it's certainly manageable w/ the right treatment & relentless self-awareness.

[@lilsully42ify]

I am a recently diagnosed 40 something BPD individual that also has some depression and anxiety spectrum issues since his teens. That is a step parent of a diagnosed 20 something that is all 4 sub types of the constructs on any given day, sometimes the same afternoon. A lot of what I see on the KZbin content rings true for us as a family. It is a lot to work through as a parent especially when you are both suffering through mental health issues as they relate to trauma in your early years and some major issues in the family unit itself. I'm so very happy I have found this page and site because our mental health system is so so under appreciated, funded and more often than not inaccessible to those that desperately need it.

[@eleodel1]

My mother has BPD. I was silent for decades, not being able to explain how truly awful, soul-shattering her episodes were. "Oh, everyone has trouble with their parents'... But no - this was so much worse. My mother's eyes would turn black - like 'shark eyes' - and she would tell us she had no capacity to stop. And then she would completely forget what happened, within minutes. The aftershocks of her violence still resonate throughout my life - and I've cut all contact with her 8 years ago

[@lilafeldman8630]

I'm so sorry that you had to endure that. It happened to me too. I get to these places, these episodes, where it happens to me. Then you blank it out. It's like childbirth. You know how they say the mom is in so much pain when she's actually having the baby, but once the baby is born, it's like she forgets it all? It's the same thing with BPD. That inner child surfaces and once it has its rage it goes back away.

[@drlongus8107]

Demonic possession?

[@Miltersen]

eleo del Oh my god. First time I read this. I just had a girlfriend I was really into. But she totally had episodes like this. And the last one, that ended our relationship just 3 months ago, was because she freaked out. Hit me in a rage, and I noticed these black eyes you describe. I got so shocked that I knew I had to end it. What is your theory of these black eyes?

[@lilafeldman8630]

@@drlongus8107 that's part of it, demonic possession, or demonic oppression.

[@drlongus8107]

@@lilafeldman8630 Yeah...sure sounds like it...always wondered if that was the case with my ex...

[@julesmae3433]

I’m 35 diagnosed bpd. It’s a reaction; not an episode. It’s like an extreme push to explain your feelings and how the person hurt you. Lots of you did this, you are that; very little self control in these moments. I’ve smashed many many phones in effort to stop in my early years. Took a long time to learn how comfort myself and I still fall very short. I was active member of AA since I was 23. Until I got sober; I was undiagnosed. These reacts can be anyone you have a relationship with; a coworker, family member, friend, partner - bpd will react with intense emotions and will burn the bridge but will later apologize and wanted to help return it. Lots of I hate you, please don’t leave me type of Senerios. Self harm is common to relieve pain and need for attention. That we feel we never get; even if that untrue. Lots of pushing away or aviodance of fear of hurt. I become overwhelmed easily... very easily. Routine helps.

[@mandy5313]

Jules Mae I have never self harmed for attention but to take my rage out on myself instead of hitting others.

[@AntimonyxAngel]

"...an extreme push to explain your feelings and how the person hurt you." *THIS.* I have been trying to come up with the words that describe this experience. I am not diagnosed with BPD, however my brother is. Albeit, he is a far more extreme case, if I am to have something similar it would be through relation. I have discovered that if I feel invalidated in any way, I struggle to control my feelings. I've had intense outbursts of crying thinking I'm being unheard, ignored, and misunderstood. I try to over-compensate, with whomever I have an argument, by dragging them through entire conversations from the beginning, to "show" them exactly what ran through my mind and caused my reactions. I cannot feel closure or resolve unless a resolution like this occurs. I just want to be justified... But it's almost impossible for someone else to figure exactly how they can this for you. Especially if they are involved in your mind as a part of your feelings. Often, that person may feel personally attacked. It takes an extremely mindful, empathetic individual to be able to view your emotions objectively. Sometimes it could be a miscommunication on the other person's part... But for my own sake I need to STOP attempting to force others into feeling what I felt. They will never understand from your perspective, no matter how hard you fight. I end up feeling more drained than if I had just coped on my own.

[@Sarablueunicorn]

4 phones smashed already

[@mandy5313]

Sara Qiu Think I’ve smashed 4 and if I hear a mental illness is in my head again I’m going to hit someone

[@nahiedlaila9601]

@@AntimonyxAngel i totally feel you! I struggle with the exact same thing. Its very draining and a waste of time and energy but i just cannot stand the thought of my family disregarding my feelings and making me feel invalidated. It drives me crazy. They never want to acknowledge my suffering and my condition its superfrustrating and isolating. I withdraw more often than not when i feel like i am being neglected or even feel abandoned its very lonely and depressing

[@susano7587]

I have BPD which wasn’t diagnosed until I was about 55 years ago. I was grateful to know what was wrong with me. I cause a lot of grief for my children over the years and it makes me so sad.

[@indiamarie2952]

I am very aware of my actions but I genuinely cannot control it. It doesn’t help that i have a family who wont even respect my personal space. I always feel trapped

[@unknown-os1je]

I'm 15 and diagnosed with BPD my family shouts at me and then I shout back and instantly regret it,I keep telling myself that from tomorrow I'll change myself but I feel like I'm a walking skeleton and my mood changes alottt

[@Sararizzles]

The guilt and frustration that comes with this disorder is beyond measure. I despise it. No words can describe my disgust for this condition. It makes me hate myself.

[@slyener1111]

I feel you 😣

[@hazeltropix1170]

I’ve had diagnosed bpd since I was 14 and I’m going on 30. I started taking 5htp at night and my symptoms went away completely. I mean I felt normal and calm and balanced. This last month I stopped taking it and yesterday I had a full blown episode. Now I know that the 5htp was helping me. I found articles linking bpd to a serotonin issue. It’s important though not to take it if you are on antidepressants. It would be great if more people with bpd tried it out to see if they feel better too.

[@jus6343]

Severely allergic to my medications so I will be trying this!

[@parisfernandes344]

This helps and will look into it!

[@lisbethbird8268]

5 hydroxytryptophan (5HTP) is an amino acid (protein building block) precursor you can buy as a dietary supplement. I've found it really helpful for mood too so I was really interested to see the comment about this. Two things I'll add: several experts on amino acid therapy (i.e. Dr. Julia Ross) are now saying that it's safe to use with SSRI if you space out taking them by at least 4 hours...But check with your prescribing Dr. to be safe if this applies. Dr Tracy Marks discussed it's very short half life in the body and suggested multiple daily dosing, but I found it worked great just taking once before bed. Dr. Ross usually recommends two doses. Recently all I could find was a time release version and I actually found this less effective for me than the non time release. It does affect brain neurotransmitters (serotonin especially) but I don't know exactly how. It has virtually no side effects except some people sometimes get stomach discomfort - it will work best on an empty stomach. It works very fast, sometimes in a day or two. 100 mg at night is a good place to start. I hope this helps and you give a try. It amazes me something so simple and available can work so well. To be sure big pharmacy doesn't want you to know. Dr. Ross's book "The Mood Cure" might interest you.

[@robertakremer-zs2rn]

My biggest fear is to mentally harm people who I love unconditionally. After every explosion I feel evil, horrible person and with hate for myself I’m trying to punish myself… And with these feelings I live every day, it’s basically emotional torture and agony. In the end of the day I’m completely nocked out…

[@RavenLight39]

My episodes are uncontrollable crying spells that will last anywhere from a few moments to a few days. I also have cptsd as my main diagnosis. I don't have insurance so I am dealing with these disorders not under medical monitoring like I should be. I appreciate these videos. They have helped me gain so much personal insight.

[@inezdeponceau5749]

So I've been dating on Tinder, I'm 21 and living with my parents. One night they lectured me on the dangers of online dating and that I'm most likely getting used and I guess I went into an "episode". I disassociated, had a panic attack, and then decided to vent to the guy I had only gone on two dates with. I've completely embarrassed myself.