What autistic girls REALLY need (Interview with Builder Bees founder)

Check out Builder Bees at: www.builderbeesla.com/
Or e-mail Orley directly: [e-mail]
Autistic traits workbook: mybook.to/thinkyoureautistic
Timestamps
0:00 Intro from Sam
1:04 Start of conversation
8:18 Activism and leaning into your strengths
12:36 "Social skills"
16:22 Where are all the autistic girls?
19:28 Ah ha moments
24:26 Orley's self-diagnosis
28:47 Medical model of autism
36:25 Acceptance
40:44 Family, upbringing and intergenerational trauma
44:23 Being heard
47:49 Talking more about Builder Bees

[@NathanFlanagan]

I’m a dood, just for clarity. I find this content very educational,even if I am not the direct target audience. Loneliness even in a group of my close friends as I don’t fit in has been terribly damaging over my life. I hope you’re group goes well as everybody needs friends and support.

[@shapeofsoup]

Right there with you.

[@LukeSumIpsePatremTe]

Is dood the same as a dude?

[@NathanFlanagan]

@@LukeSumIpsePatremTe "The" Dude.

[@dianathomas2674]

My son has a lot of the autism traits usually talked about as female traits. I think all traits should be added as diagnostic criteria. Not all men have an outwardly expression of frustration in public and talk about locomotives only.

[@loma4507]

@@dianathomas2674 i cannot agree more! My boyfriend is autistic and like me, has the more "female" autistic traits. I think a lot of sensitive, shy boys are being overlooked but also meet these criteria and struggle with a lot of the same things!

[@brimarie4196]

I imagine that part of the reason these girls are hard to find is the late diagnosis. It might help to promote the meetings as for girls who struggle to make friends.

[@ovd201]

Exactly. We started with that as our message!

[@aspiepunkdawnofheatherl8174]

I'm nearly 49, & i just received my auDHD diagnosis...(finally.)

[@noahkelly492]

Hey! I am autistic myself, so your videos help me to know what being autistic really means. If it wasn't for you and your KZbin channel, my self confidence would almost be non-existent. Thanks SO much for being there!

[@freshoffthehook904]

The problem with the DSM5 is that it is a list of what autism is not. That is fine for diagnostic practices but it is not a definition and should not be looked at as such. When people try to use the diagnostic criteria as the definition it initiates circular reasoning. It becomes "What is autism? Social dysfunction. What is social dysfunction? Autism." This hamstrings further research and makes legitimizing nuanced discussions very difficult. For a word to be defined it must have boundaries of what it is and what it is not. Neurotypical people have gone as far as they can by saying what Autism is not, now it is up to us to define what it is.

[@keylanoslokj1806]

It is a disease. A crippling condition. Only negatives in comparison to proper neurotypical function can describe it accurately.

[@Syrenia63]

It is also designed for criteria for children not adults.

[@sueannevangalen5186]

I have a daughter who's going to be two in early March. She's still too young to have an autism diagnosis but she's in the process. Her two older brothers are diagnosed and I'm in the process, too. But anyway, we're way up here in Canada and I'm now dreaming of finding a program like Builder Bees in our area for her. That sounds like something I would have LOVED as a child. I would have loved to know there were other girls out there like me. Thanks for that video ❤️

[@kaellizak3129]

Where in Canada are you? Our daughter was diagnosed negative, but we're skeptical, and taking a second shot at getting her diagnosed. Our son has gotten an autism spectrum diagnosis.

[@sueannevangalen5186]

@@kaellizak3129 I'm in Ontario, about an hour away from Toronto. It was no sweat getting our sons diagnosed but I have heard it's harder for a girl. At our last appointment with the pediatrician, we were told she only meets one criterion from category A and two from category B (in the diagnostic criteria) but she hasn't had much of a chance yet to show how she is in social settings. I'm taking her out to play groups now so that we'll have more to report next time. We'll see what happens.

[@Syrenia63]

Children younger than two can be diagnosed.

[@sugarwoofle6067]

Great video :) glad to see your family bringing love to my country. America and the ND girls there need more people like her. I wish I could have had a program growing up like she's done. It would have made things so wonderful.

[@natalieedelstein]

I'm autistic, born, raised and diagnosed in Los Angeles. I'm an adult, but growing up, I was connected to the Lanterman Regional Center, and the regional centers in CA would be a really great way to recruit because they do diagnoses for a large percentage of the autistic girls in the area.

[@GayHimbo]

I’m a guy (technically agender masc) but was raised around women and fems and got a lot of my socialization from them! Resultingly, I didn’t realize I was autistic late in life bc my autism presents similar to the way many women and fems autism does: heightened awareness of social cues and emotional articulation, way higher masking, special interests that are culturally normalized, etc. I find it so interesting to realize this and to transitively realize that autistic presentation has a lot more to do with socialization than inherent gender differences. The current medical model and diagnostic criteria are so geared around white traditional cishet men’s presentation of autism it not only erases autistic women and queer people, but literally everyone who’s socialized outside of traditional cishet manhood.

[@yvonnemullan]

Great discussion! Orley, you are truly making a difference by providing a social outlet for autistic girls in LA! ❤️ I am in Ontario, Canada and there is no real actual in person group for autistic girls. I signed my 12 year old up for an autistic social skills group at our regional autism hub, and it is all boys. There is a desperate need for such resources in Canada! It seems like the UK, Australia and now the US are ahead of the game. 💖🙏

[@abbyanderson3679]

Yayyy!! Everytime you post it makes my day better

[@sammylangford8858]

I am autistic and I don’t have any friends except my husband because I feel I can’t live up to the expectations of a relationship with a neurotypical person. Plus I feel so weird around other people and no one understands me. I need to be able to be myself if not I feel it’s a waste of my time.

[@keylanoslokj1806]

The male version of you usually has neither even that wife. So he dies alone.

[@sammylangford8858]

@@keylanoslokj1806 I guess that depends on the guy my son who is autistic has a woman so not every male like me will die alone. You never know some day someone will come your way.

[@keylanoslokj1806]

@@sammylangford8858 very mild symptoms+ luck+ great upbringing/specialised care, might work for some yeah. still cant make an exception as the rule. there was even a book on those men called "the love shy men".

[@sammylangford8858]

@@keylanoslokj1806 regardless of statistics I believe there is someone out there for everyone and severity shouldn’t matter if you can find the right situation and someone to be that someone who’ll support you no matter what

[@rosea570]

Perfect timing! Just escaped for some much needed downtime and this video pops up. So interested to watch this

[@portraitoftheautist]

Sam, you mentioned not changing the world but your content has changed my perspective on my world and I really couldn't ever be able to thank you properly for that, j

[@motherofcards293]

I think that the real MVP for providing neurodivergent social spaces are hobby stores that have meetups that involve activities like painting, tabletop gaming, crafting, etc. I prefer socializing around an activity, then there is no pressure to socially "perform". The majority of adults that I meet this way are neurodivergent, yet the space isn't advertising itself as a neurodivergent space on purpose. I agree that these types of social spaces or programs need to focus more on "just being" and the system needs to realize that.

[@ThatPaintingLass]

Sam this video is absolutely brilliant! I wish that there was a builder bees in my city! I would give up every single weekend if it meant my kids would have play dates with returning friends. It never fails no matter how hard I try to get a mom‘s number at the playground or to call a classmate for a play date, the plans are made but then they never pan out. I am always the one to initiate the conversations and plan everything and they just always get canceled.

[@KaciCreates]

My 15 year old was just diagnosed and when I looked into social resources for her I found none. I’m currently in the process of working with the local public library to start an autistic teen social meetup group. I don’t know if anyone will attend but at least the option will be there.

[@marisa5359]

Some really great insights. I am in the Midwest. I really wish there was something like this for my 17 year old daughter and, shoot, for myself. I grew up not knowing what was "wrong" with me only to identify myself through her and my eldest son's diagnoses. Thanks for a very relatable video.

[@APersonOnTheInternet101]

Could you do a video about attachment to people and friendship intensity? I just got dumped by my best friend because I was shitty and didn't manage to respect his boundaries. I was far too attached to him to the point I HAD to be near him all the time and I hate that. I hate that I'm so one extreme to the other. I either hate you with a passion or love you to death and both seem to drive people away. I hugged him a lot when he didn't like it because I wanted to be hugged. I was too paranoid that he'd leave me so I literally loved him to the point of suffocation which I didn't realise until it was too late because he's also autistic and refuses to communicate his feelings without saying it jokingly, which was difficult for me since I need everything so straightforward. This is what happens with ALL my friendships. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. Because I love people to the point of driving them away. The worst part is he got one of our mutual friends to tell me, he couldn't even say it to my face. And I know he'll shove my clothes in his wardrobe.. it just hurts. I don't know how to fix whatever is wrong with me.

[@samanthajaques887]

I know I'm a stranger and you didn't ask me, but I can't watch this comment sit. Nothing is wrong with you. Having mental health struggles does not mean something about you is wrong or off, I promise! You just don't understand yourself yet, and that is totally normal and okay! It sounds like you want to learn about those patterns, and that's the most important thing. Co dependency sounds like what you might be looking for. Autistic people tend to experience a lot of rejection trauma, so when we meet a person whom we feel comfortable with it makes us scared to lose them. This can manifest in some unhealthy ways, but just means you need to learn how to express those emotions in a healthy way. And side note, it sounds like your friend did not communicate in a very healthy way either; I understand fear of conflict, but that is not a justification to be unclear in their needs and then be unhappy when others do not understand. It's also important to know what your own boundaries are because boundaries aren't just "do not do this," they are also "please do this." An example is needing people to communicate clearly, so you can understand when you're crossing their boundaries. It's just about discussing those things and if/how the other person can accommodate them. It's okay, you're still learning and you will do just fine, friend!

[@APersonOnTheInternet101]

@@samanthajaques887 this was SO HELPFUL thank you!

[@staceyruwoldt9158]

Love this kind of content so much!!!!!! 🥰😃💗 These talks are so informative and very insightful! ♡♡ I've being a self- diagnosed Autistic woman.. For 3 years now! All because of your channel!!!! Your channel made me have that 'AHA! Moment' for the first time ever in my whole life, when I was 25 🥰 ..... Now I'm almost in my thirties.. I went a quarter of my whole entire life not knowing I was Autistic growing up, now I am thriving with this new- found.... ..information and understanding! Thank you so much Sam!! You've changed my life and gave me the sort of clarity I had no idea that I was lacking 😘💖 xoxox

[@EgObArNeT]

This was perfect for my chores-relax-chores-relax Sunday. I really enjoyed listening to the two of you and would love to have Orley come on again!

[@lisatwombly7022]

Excellent conversation! Thank you. Yes, please, more of this. I’m also 53, in the US and self identified due to child’s identification.

[@buttercxpdraws8101]

Loved this content ❤

[@Art-in-Making]

Great video, learned a lot. Thanks.

[@emmaopaline]

I really like this type of content format ! Thanks for this insightful interview !

[@criticalmaz1609]

What a lovely thing to discover on my birthday -- and not just because I love bees. 💛🐝

[@rotisseriepossum]

Happy birthday!

[@LeeTanczos]

Missed you Sam - so nice to see you - hope to see you on again soon

[@zagorskaewelina]

Interesting video :) Good luck to Orley. I love such long interviews!

[@august8679]

Can you make a video on autism vs neurotypicals? I’m trying to figure out if I’m autistic or not and a video like that would make it so clear. I looked for a video about that on KZbin but I couldn’t find much. I just really wish that people would stop assuming that everyone knows what the “default” is, since often neurodivergent individuals don’t know what being neurotypical is like and if their autism symptoms are less obvious (like me) they won’t know what to compare their experience to.

[@MartKart8]

I know a channel called Autistamatic, Quin he's done videos on differences between Autism and neurotypicals, one example of a video is called If I Wasn't Autistic, Would I Still Be ME?

[@tracik1277]

Quinn is great.

[@erynmorgan1717]

That was such a lovely interview to listen to. I found it really comforting, I was mixing my own recipe of gluten free bread whilst listening and thinking that I hadn't quite realised just how lonely I have been never managing to keep friendships. Something your cousin said about having very intense attachments to that one friend but it imploding or burning out for sometimes some bewildering reason at the time. Anyway, it really resonated with me as I am now 43 and have no one to talk to IRL (outisde of my husband and family) my carer is the only other person I talk to. My daughter has had the same struggles with friendships and this would have been wonderful for her, I hope the idea catches on throughout the world.

[@alissamcclure445]

OMG…. The board member thing about follow through…. I so relate.

[@rebeckajarl3934]

Got to the end, took a break because had things to do. I really enjoyed this, so much to relate to so much inspiration. Ideas concepts. I get a massive feeling of community and connection from this and similar interviews. I'm in recovery from a massive burnout and have a hard time interacting irl or communicating with the people close to me, because I cannot right know. So for me watching KZbin are a way to feel connected to humans in a way I can at this point in my recovery, I'm on a waiting list for my ASD (or AST here in Sweden) assessment so of course I watch a lot of neurodivergent individuals on topics of neurodiversity because it helps, gives me a feeling of connection and a quiet participant in a conversation. Also gives me tips on rebuilding my life in a healthier manner for my specific needs. Because it's hard to guess what can or can't work if you didn't even know something could exist much less help you.

[@MyAutisticAdventurousLife]

I just want to tell you thank you! I didn't know how to contact you any other way, but I want to let you know it is because, partly because of you, that I was finally able to be diagnosed with autism. It feels great to finally find all the puzzle pieces that I was missing to figure myself out growing up.

[@alidunbar1471]

Great video! I tried to get your template but I'm not sure how after signing up🙈

[@el_2904]

Really interesting discussion, I’d love to see more videos like this! Yellow ladybugs are amazing here in Australia :) I hope you get some more interest in Builder Bees because there will be so many autistic girls in the area who would love it!! Here in Australia we have a lot of Facebook groups for autistic people and parents of autistic kids where people share resources and recommendations, not sure if there’s similar for the LA area where you could spread the word about Builder Bees?

[@feelingsviawood]

Wooop wooop!!! 🎉🎉 This was SO GOOD!! Intresting…Informative…and…also very … made me feel cohesiveness. YAY! I am very VERY GLAD that I found this channel and this video with wonderfull autentic conversation ! Thank you! And I wish you all the best! ~Matleena~

[@alissamcclure445]

OMG. I would love to pay you to franchise a Builder Bees in Salado, TX. I’m a Montessori Primary founder in a community that calls us a Monastery. My personal motto has always been to Positively Disrupt the lives of every person I met. Could Builder Bees be a plug and play list of instructions for a Builder Bee mom to use in her community?

[@BetheChange80]

#Organising and #Procastination PPlease list some ways that you overcame the anxiety and actual tacking of the tasks. Non autistic people also falter but they can get on top of it quickly. They enjoy social life and come back at tasks that were left off and finish it off. But Autistic ppl feel burdened to do these tasks.They think about it 20 minutes to do that actual 10 minutes task. The actual cleaning of the small 2 bedroom unit I live in takes 15-20 minutes a day to clean and deep cleaning just 30 minutes a week for a room. But I dread to do it and skim clean for 5-10 minutes a day . I clean it twice a day as the floor has tiles and one crazy hair or food particles becomes clearly visible. If it was carpeted I would vacuum just once a day or once in 2 days.

[@vangothengirl]

*gasps* Bees 😍 I love bees and bees love me 🥰

[@raven4090]

I love bees, too. I haven't seen one for decades and I miss them. I used to let bumble bees crawl on my fingers and pet them very softly. People kept saying they would sting me but they didn't.

[@raven4090]

@@SxyRikku Eastern Montana. Badlands area. It must be nice being near bee farms. Where do you live?

[@andreareneebales5785]

8:00 💯❤️

[@andreareneebales5785]

9:38!!!!❤️❤️❤️

[@happychappy2b252]

Thank you for the conversation. We need builderbees international....or at least multiple national groups. Neurodivergent folks don't need fixing but do need 'hearing' and just understood in terms of being themselves without judgement. I have a daughter diagnosed at 16...had some tough times but getting better. These videos are helpful to understand the condition and its range of being. They also help in an appreciation that there are many who are indeed just like us....the difference is very common . Perhaps one day we may come to understand that neurodivergent is in fact the neurotypical. One thought.... comparison of autism and homosexuality seems odd and too binary to me and confusing/limiting. In reality sexuality is complex too with people feeling Bi/Omni/trans/asexual.....nuanced just as all lives are.

[@ovd201]

Great points. Thanks. The homosexuality analogy is to provide a thought experiment for people who struggle to imagine that just as you say, ND should really be acknowledged as NT!

[@patricialea4024]

Hi has Builder Bees got a youtube channe/link too please? X

[@YoSamdySam]

No KZbin as yet, but the link is builderbeesla.com

[@rebeckajarl3934]

I love this idea and the inclusion aspect! I just had a random thought from nowhere that might not help ( 8:18 in to the video) Aaspire and similar organisations research community autism/ neurodivergent might be able to help figure out ways to get started. Or in neurodivergent global grassroots communities to help each other with ideas what worked for us here to get our organisations started can that work for you as well or similar solutions, idea sparking brainstorming? It definitely helps me to find words for my experiences, understanding and a sense of community in channels like this. So can't a similar thing exist for organisations to help our communities or are we competing so much for the same resources that it's impossible?

[@Syrenia63]

I would create social stories for my son who has ADHD on keeping friends.

[@marketingpower]

Hi Samdy Sam, that was very interesting ! Do you have a discord server or a Facebook group where we could all hang out like she does for autistic daughers 🙂 Cheers!

[@AJansenNL]

What? Only one hour? I could listen to you for far longer! 😉

[@WilliamFontaineJr]

I agree I would love many more exchanges between these two on any and all topics Autistic. I eagerly await that opportunity.

[@tommy5499]

Autistic Women and Motherhood, Has any women felt their symptoms got worse after becoming have a child?

[@kind_of_willow3193]

I like this kind of conversation and find it really interesting. Perhaps you could do some more of these with your cousin , perhaps around the topics: " how to manage executive function in your job, as a mum, with friends.." I struggle with these things and understand very good the example of cooking for ten people..(no way!). And i would like to hear you discuss, if there is a chance to see aspergers in a different way, and not as a part of the more severe autism. I think we need amongst to talk about the origin of aspergers, from a social, psychological and historical perspective. To call aspergers a disability cannot and should not be the end of the research about this topic and perhaps we should take the right out of us to define what we think who we are and don't let other people do it.

[@turtleanton6539]

Xdddddd 😊

[@amandaerickson849]

"Autistic people have such diverse needs and ... a diagnosis doesn't actually give any information"- YES, this! When my daughter was diagnosed, I was just really starting to learn about Autism, and her neuropsych just said basically, she has autism and doesn't have ADHD and that's it!!! I had no idea what to do with that information, no one suggested therapies or anything. With my cousin, her son was diagnosed by a center that focuses on ABA and his diagnosis came with the number of hours of ABA they wanted to insist upon....neither helpful!!! I am so glad that my diagnosis came from a psychologist very knowledgeable about Autism and pointed out what levels of support might be helpful in which areas specifically and then a list of resources for getting that support. 2/3 evaluations were pretty useless for finding supports and identifying specific needs!!!

[@monriatitans]

"If you have a problem with homosexuality, why do you have the problem? Not 'what do we need to correct?'" Damn. Let's add to that with a slight adjustment. If you have a problem with people not looking at you when you're talking, why do you have the problem? Why does it need to be corrected?

[@amandasmart7663]

I wish we had this for adults 🥹