What causes aggression in dementia? [5 reasons]

Welcome to the place where I share dementia tips, strategies, and information for family members caring for a loved one with any type of dementia (such as Alzheimer's disease, Lewy Body dementia, vascular dementia, frontotemporal dementia, etc.)
In today’s video I share how 5 reasons someone with dementia may become combative or aggressive.
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In case you haven’t met me, my name is Natali Edmonds and I am a board certified geropsychologist. That means that I am a clinical psychologist who specializes in working with older adults. One day, while hiking a trail, I came up with the idea for Careblazers and I decided to see if posting videos online could provide help to the many other Careblazers in the world who don’t get to have help come directly to them in their homes. I hope that this work helps you in some way on your caregiving journey.
#careblazer #dementia #dementiacare

[@MrMonet111]

Don’t forget to ask them if they are in pain. My husband has a lot of arthritis and can’t always tell me.

[@Friskyhorton]

First think, pain, then hunger, then bladder, and I always get a good result when singing happy birthday

[@alfa5243]

This caregiver is willing to say my love one is a pain in the ass.

[@dn7647]

I'm dealing with a husband who is acting out and he's paranoid and very angry because he wants sex all the time. It's a nightmare. He's always accusing me of having affairs and is recording me secretly (I'm 10 yrs younger, but look 20 yrs younger). He was always a bit jealous, but now it's full blown insanity. He's 75 and still has a full head of hair and is very handsome and charming. Women are always flirting with him. No one can tell he has dementia and of course he's very vain. so he doesn't want anyone to know, and of course he thinks I'm making it all up anyways. He is completely a different person (we've been married for 30 years) and it's really hard on me. My mom who is 86 is completely healthy and her advice to me is, "Just be nice." This disease is a complete nightmare. At least with cancer or other diseases you're able to have reasonable conversations. My husband is saying inappropriate things to our 22 year old son's girlfriend. I spoke to them privately, but our son doesn't want to believe it, he said, "Dad is just being funny, he's forgetful sometimes, but it's no big deal, he's your husband and you should be nice to him." I've been to group meetings and I'm the only one dealing with sexual obsession~which causes him to have rage, tantrums and aggression daily. I guess I'd be #6 reason. Thank you.

[@GioWalls]

Record record record... get cameras and install them. No one should be accusing you of making things up.

[@dn7647]

@@GioWalls Thank you. I actually have 3 of his recorders that I found around the house (on different days) ~ They are digital so I don't know how to use them. But, I have seen recorders/cameras online, but I can't have them sent to our home. We live by a Best Buy and I've been getting cash together and hope to stop in soon. Meanwhile, I've been writing long hand everything that is said between him and me. It's really sad.

[@GioWalls]

@@dn7647 talk to your son, ask, him to stay a few days, so you can get some rest. You need support and he should be doing that.

[@dn7647]

@Gio Walls Over the Memorial weekend I asked my son (22) to take dad to see Top Gun and to dinner, which did give me a break. You're right. My son dropped him off and said quietly to me, "I see what you're going through, dad has soup for brains." Unfortunately, there's nothing wrong with my husband's hearing. He came marching up the driveway, extremely angry and said, "There is nothing wrong with me, it's your mother, she's brainwashing you." My son whispered in my ear, "Sorry mom." This disease effects everyone in the family. I'm sure my son will not want to hang around this mess, but I will keep asking him. We went into different bedrooms and the next morning, he didn't mention anything about the night before. That's the only blessing to this disease. Thanks for the support.

[@MaryKnight-yk5mh]

Omg. The constant talk of sex. The cussing. Not fun. He is 78 I am 75. Hope I can care for him.

[@user-sr1kc6jj2b-p1q]

Why do so many doctors who work with dementia patients, behave as if aggression and cantankerousness is not a symptom? It makes me feel like I'm in the Twilight zone. I even feel gaslighted some times and I mean I feel like people are trying to tell me I'm crazy for accepting that my mother gets aggressive! They're the professionals - surely they'd know this better than me!

[@FirewindII]

Thank you for bringing this up!!

[@mdvern9753]

I am a nurse Practitioner who has worked with many dementia patients. Nothing prepared me for he 24/7 care my mom required. Caregiver was my hardest job ever.

[@JaneDoe-pr1bl]

I feel like I’m living a nightmare at times as a result of my mom’s delusions and hallucinations.

[@ClassicRoyal]

Tonight my mom accused me of not giving her meds, threatened to call police, told me to quit playing games, and soon after she stuffed her mouth with candy, the meds took effect and she fell asleep. we have 12 hour nursing shifts now at home. She doesn’t want us to change her, she asks for me constantly ((I’m off this week), she wants me to be by her side, in her sight. She can give orders but cannot understand what I tell her, asking over and over the same question. I am praying placement occurs soon. She has been on hospice for about 2 years. She is not the mom I enjoyed and loved all my life. I find it difficult to relate to the person she is now. Thank God she’s saved and will go to heaven. It has strained the lives of my daughter and myself especially since the last few weeks as she is bed bound and in the living room. I feel like I’m on duty with the nurse. I was going to work on finishing our bathroom update this week. Our family is 7 hours away.

[@raindancer3330]

It's definitely too much stimulation and loss of control that gets my dad flustered. He still wants control. I just let him talk I stopped arguing/correcting. I play along. Things have improved a lot, every now and then he wants to hit me. UGH! I hired a medicaid attorney, I've done as much as I can It's time to get him professional help.

[@theaweavers8576]

I suggested that my mum wrote a letter to complain and that calmed her down and so she enjoyed her meal

[@cherylcampbell7495]

I’m a caregiver that travels to different homes and environments. When the husband is indifferent to the wife/cold I always have trouble. Best for him to stay in another room. Also into the five year mark more aggression and lots of frustration for client.Nice walks outside if weather permits physically able.Otherwise indoors. Dancing and music is so important I’ve found.

[@sandraclick7812]

Music, art, nature, children can bring joy into their day.

[@salauerman7082]

Indifferent, apathetic- you have it right! Maybe the husband just doesn’t know what to do, clueless, as well. Another possibility is fear. My mom always had a fit if she wasn’t pleased with how my dad tried to help. She conditioned him to just not try. He was afraid to stir the waters… I saw that with my parents.

[@petermorcom7151]

My aunt’s frustration and aggression goes thru the roof if she gets a UTI.

[@FirewindII]

I have heard of this in a few friends' parents.

[@FirewindII]

(...all women, FWIW.)

[@ToniInSussex]

Tonight was a doozy. I'm ready to give up. Thank you for this vid.

[@DementiaCareblazers]

You got this!

[@terriestag1452]

Oh. My. GOODNESS! #5! It hit home with me, as at this very moment we are going thru a very difficult day and I'M frustrated! My LO just said, "I know you're frustrated and that's frustrating to me!" It's been a rough 7 hours of crying and I'm at wit's end. But I'll remember this and try my best to calm down. Thank you, Dr. Natali!

[@mable869]

D c

[@GioWalls]

My mom is 63 and her moods are extreme at times. I know its the disease but still hard to manage.

[@btlsrg8]

Same here but my mom is a lot older.

[@MoMoKT567]

63 is young. 😢. I’m 60 and helping my parents in their upper 80’s.

[@alexmorgan3435]

I am struggling right now with my mother and your videos are so good and an immense help.

[@DementiaCareblazers]

I'm so glad!

[@TheDWZemke]

We get caught in a catch 22. My wife will scream at me "Would you just listen to me". SO I STOP AND DE-ESCALANTE When she get done talking, I ask her what I've been ANSWERING HER for the last 10 min, she has no idea. In reality, It's is the answer to the question she has been asking, and i have responded to what she has asked me many times. In other words I've been give her the answer but she is unable to process what I have answered her. It is not that she disagrees with me (or hear me) but she just can Not process the words. When this first happened a year or two ago I had no idea that she simply COULD NOT PROCESS MY ANSWER. Hence the frustration on her part... she cannot process the information, I have given back to her. Her inability to process my responce to her question is not over 50% of the time, currently it happens several times a day rather than just on bad day.

[@theaweavers8576]

You are so right about our own mood!! They can pick up on things so easilyxx i play our fav music and do comical ballet moves and we both laugh xx

[@melmeltoo]

Thank you Dr. Natali! As you mentioned the environment or activity can aggravate. For my mom most times it is when she sees me in the kitchen dinnertime cooking and she wants to eat it now. I've learned to keep fruits and snacks in tiny zip bags on hand to give to mom as distraction bc lord knows I've explained pointlessly that meal is not ready to eat yet... my mom is food driven/foodie... loves to eat not afraid to try new foods. Even in her disease she gets wowed when she tries new food. But it's new because not able to recall...lol.

[@stevenblack3092]

I find leaving photo albums at arms reach a great circuit breaker and if I’m getting frustrated go outside and play with my dog calms me down and helps break the tension

[@DementiaCareblazers]

That's a great idea!

[@carolcolgate2905]

So much of what you had to say today exactly applies as useful! Thank you so much !

[@DementiaCareblazers]

Glad it was helpful!

[@trden3458]

As always, Dr. Natalie drops gems that are realistic and applicable. 💯💚❤

[@scrappytexan7]

My DWD hits the wall when he’s tired. his biggest frustration/anger is when it comes to taking out his dentures at night. There’s been a couple of times when he’s gone to bed with them still in.

[@celiazuckerman2281]

Thank you, so right about subtly communicating your own frustration….

[@DementiaCareblazers]

Glad it was helpful!

[@skiingiowan4620]

I just found my way here because I was looking for information on how to best care for my patients with dementia in the hospital as a patient care technician (similar to a CNA). Thank you for sharing your expertise and providing examples. A gentle suggestion would be to do some videos for caregivers who have their loved one in a hospital. For example: a hospital is going to be overstimulating in a variety of ways (one of the things mentioned in the video). How can caregivers support their loved one in this situation? Another example: Unfortunately healthcare staff are understaffed in most American hospitals. Understanding what a caregiver can do to help the staff best care for the patient (“hey, fyi my mom is always cold so keep the warm blankets coming” or “my husband is comforted by his favorite blanket so I brought in for his stay here”). Also what caregiver behaviors hinder healthcare staff from providing more effective care? Perhaps doing a primer on what caregivers can expect if their loved one goes to the hospital for different concerns. For example, getting a call from the nursing home that my loved one fell and broke his/her hip and is on his/her way to the ED. Information on what type of decisions the caregiver will be asked to make; what is an occupational therapist; how to best work with the hospital social worker, etc. Being in the hospital is stressful for anyone especially patients with dementia and their caregiver’s. Being armed with even a little guidance on what to expect can help mitigate some of the stress. Thank you for the important work you are doing!

[@westendanimalhospital4536]

This is soooooooo simple it is sooooooooo easy to overlook, overthink, forget. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@kathleenborsch1312]

This is helpful information for me, my sister, and daughter. My mom has been a "difficult" person throughout our lives: narcissistic, short-tempered, verbally abusive, etc. Now she has Alzheimer's and is in a nice memory care place. After a somewhat pleasant period of calm throughout her earlier dementia stages, she's getting more aggressive, combative, and angry. This behavior is very triggering for us who have experienced her verbal and emotional abuse in the past, but we still want to support her. So we must remind ourselves this is her dementia working, not necessarily the "wicked witch" of the past. These specific tips in this video should help to clarify the causes of her behavior and guide us toward appropriate actions. I will share this information with my sister and daughter, as well as let them know about your channel. Thank you so much!

[@suzannepipho4737]

Thank you! 🙂 Excellent video!

[@DementiaCareblazers]

Glad you liked it!

[@jeannetteschouten2488]

I enjoy listening to you,thank you for your talks and teaching me what to do for my husband he has Alzheimer and we have to put him in a place and I visit him 3x a week take him home for the day and after dinner my daughter take him back to his place.Iam afraid to have him sleeping here because he got so angry and throw things around the house.Hospice take care of him and give him calming medication it does help so far.But Iam still afraid to be alone with him over night.Thank for your talk it is a big help for me.

[@melroche4749]

It's so difficult to take care of dementia patient, we dont even get the time to think when these patients are alwys combative, aggressive and suspicious in nature.

[@JohnSmith-px2cg]

Thank you so much you are like my fairy godmother, I listen to you every day because you are positive practical and loving. You give me strength

[@DementiaCareblazers]

You are so welcome

[@christinemo9622]

Thank you so much. This video is really helpful.

[@DementiaCareblazers]

Glad it was helpful!

[@nilumarapana5119]

Thank you. Very practical. My husband has dementia.

[@DementiaCareblazers]

Glad it was helpful!

[@orthodudeness]

This is one of your most helpful, on target videos yet! Your precision is truly awesome and exceptionally helpful. Thank you, Dr. Natali! And having a problem with the thanks button??

[@DementiaCareblazers]

Glad it was helpful!

[@Cactus6672]

@Dementia Careblazers Hi! Do you happen to have advice on how to respond when my client's wife is thinking I'm someone else and is accusing me of things I didn't do? She kept asking me: "Where did you put the paintings?? Why were you naked with my husband?" Now I'm scared to go to work.

[@MonsieurLePousse]

Thank you for another useful video Dr. N as frustration derived aggression is something that I frequently face. But, I believe, there is something that you missed as a possible cause: the LO being scared. My 63 year old wife is in late stage PD and now in palliative/hospice care. She is unable to feed herself, hold anything, read or even watch TV. She often has hallucinations, mostly fairly innocuous but distracting and confusing nonetheless. Added to that she doesn't understand where she is or why she's there. I can only rarely understand what she is trying to say and she struggles to communicate with staff at all and vice versa. The other day she told me that she was scared, to which I though 'that's not surprising' but I haven't been able to find any helpful response to calm her fear. She sees straight through any platitudes and me mouthing any doesn't seem appropriate either. She is justifiably scared and I do not know how to deal with that. Perhaps you could consider this situation for a later video? Thank you for all of your efforts to help alleviate the day to day issues of this disease.

[@DementiaCareblazers]

Glad it was helpful!

[@cynthiarubio4074]

My mother is 83, and it is believed that she may have Lewey Body Dementia. She has hallucinations of people mainly women that are approaching my father. She becomes verbally aggressive with my father. She also does not sleep well at night. Any advice would be appreciated.

[@avd3614]

I know one of thing that cause my mom to be like this is divorce (arpund 20Y ago). Now her hallucination & paranoid is severe. She often doesnt notice what exist. And she often notice what's not exist. For example she often pick something from floor (mostly hair). Which is really nothing. It's crazy how strong brain is, if she tells you, you see it, you touch & feel it, then how come you don't believe it's not exist. Example again. What if, this text is not exist but your brain tell you it is. May god bless us all

[@producerlinda7109]

My Mom does this to my dad too. We got her on 5ml of Prozac twice a day. It comes in liquid form so we can sneak it in her coffee. It’s working.

[@FirewindII]

I submit that it can be more than one of these things...More than two, even. But thank you for this typology. The first time that I encountered this was in my best friend. It came out of nowhere. He threw his wife down the stairs in their house. We knew he was on the downward dementia progression. We didn't know that this was sometimes a feature. We didn't know what to do. He's gone now, but I hope this can alert and help others.

[@DementiaCareblazers]

Glad it was helpful! Awesome

[@orthodudeness]

Thanks! Just me. Figured it out!

[@DementiaCareblazers]

Mike! You are so very kind, but you do NOT need to give me monetary thanks for my videos. 💖

[@orthodudeness]

@@DementiaCareblazers I feel reprimanded! Please use any bucks to further CareBlazers. You are the BEST! See, I can use capitals too!

[@dewboy910]

I have had many talks with my mom while she was still very cognoscente and asked her what she thought about trying cannabis if she ever got to the point that she was aggressive. She said that would be fine. So I told her if I had to, I would move us both to Colorado. I told her that we BOTH might have to rely on it someday. I've never done it, but I've seen how well it worked for a friend that has bi-polar disorder really bad. So far my mom hasn't been aggressive, but she has started getting sarcastic with me every now and then. She was NEVER sarcastic before. I know her sister would freak out if she found out I was giving my mom cannabis, but I have no problem with trying it for my mom and apparently, she doesn't either. I've asked my mom many questions over the years to get an idea of what she would want me to do for her under different situations and circumstances. Her siblings have done the opposite. They have totally avoided talking to her about her condition or her future care. Yet they'll likely be the first ones to tell me what to do in many of the upcoming situations. My mom is getting worse by the day now. Most of her usual routines now seem foreign to her. I'm NOT looking forward at all to my future.

[@GioWalls]

As a care taker... YOU make the decisions on what would be best for her and you. They dont and will never know what is like.

[@FirewindII]

@Joe Blake: Bless you hugely.

[@lmiley70460]

Mom is 86 and what is the time they will need a home

[@jkgermany2182]

#2 is currently my biggest problem. I always give choices and ask what she wants but she forgets and gets angry that I decided for her ( I did not).

[@chikereokeke234]

My grandma has allodynia which causes her to be painfully sensitive to almost all types of touch. She gets combative when I try to help her eat, walk, etc. could you please make a video on this type of aggression through pain? I have talked with her doctors and specialist, but nothing has worked.

[@ursulasmith6402]

We definitely need a permanent cure. 💯%.

[@salauerman7082]

1- too much environmental stimuli: maybe I haven’t experienced any because of routine…? 2- a feeling of loss of control: I’m working to minimalize our home, to keep things simple for us both… I’ll see if that helps. 3- asking for something outside their ability level: I’m trying to observe and ask questions when he’s struggling… 4- a change in routine: unavoidable, unless you routinely schedule a change in routine day?! 5- caregiver frustration: I write notes and change/adapt as I can to avoid or reduce stress (ex: paper plates, because he won’t carry dishes to the sink and at least rinse them)

[@sheliarossell3162]

People with dementia can be so polished with certain people. After management leaves off property aggression at other neighbors on property. Threats, yelling, setting by edge of road heavy traffic. Aide was shared not around person with dementia about her setting by edge of road with dog. Family can't go near her. She changes moment no one with her. Bullying, yelling, abuse, hit a person she was on person in secs. She needs evaluated to check meds ect for help for you. Level 1 - 7 last stages are different. Didn't pay rent for 3 months now evicted. She need a safe place for her, and others on property. Changes started after covid - 19. At hospital became so aggressive police had to be called next she was placed in small room for safety of everyone at hospital they called family said we can't do anything with her someone was called to bring her back to apartment. Another women hear with dementia heard voices telling her to go Breck into others apartments to go in not her apartment. The strength they have is unbelieveable. They can walk away from area or drive into on comming traffic. It took years for this person family to be placed. Some know family have dementia they just keep moving into different apartments till last two stages it's bad for them, and people who live in apartments of seniors or family. There needs to be programs developed for support now for family's plus neighbors who are dealing with no support on propertys. This is terrible no balance 50% of society will have dementia now like cancer, heart trouble, and now dementia.

[@kimcollier7241]

This sounds good but who has time…I run a farm and I have my mom and my husband, grandchildren and no help.

[@amandaj9787]

My Mom is always looking to help me, I have a difficult time coming up with tasks that I feel she can still do…

[@lindagraham8884]

A weekly occurrence with my mom, wor,king with the frustration issue,

[@b0borden437]

What causes aggression in my mother? Giving her something healthy for dinner. Suddenly she's "not hungry" yet I catch her looking for snacks the minute I leave the room?

[@ginaparvin562]

😊

[@remediosvelasco2654]

Please help me how to handle dementia employer? Every day I checked her blood sugar test for monitoring her sugar. She gets mad at me and said it's pain . She slapped my hand and pinching me while I checking her blood sugar. Thank you

[@4906carol]

Is there a way I can talk to you privately?

[@DementiaCareblazers]

HI Carol, This is Trisha. Dr. Natali's social media manager. I'm sorry to hear about your situation; many dementia caregivers experience similar challenges. She is hosting a free behavior class coming up soon where she talks about how to successfully respond to challenging situations like this. Would you like me to send you the link so you can sign up and save your free spot?

[@DementiaCareblazers]

Also, you can message Dr. Natali on Instagram, here's the link of her Instagram account instagram.com/dementia_careblazers/

[@4906carol]

Thank you but I don't do any social media

[@alexanderfleming4106]

Just get them into a care home where they get professional help.

[@shivaniverma2030]

Hii Doctor....Will you plz help me out...my dad is 62....he suffering from dementia, bipolar and depression....and is showing suicidal behaviour since the past 1 week....will u plz help me out....what can I do to control him....Can I plz get ur mail id or contact number...Plz help 🙏🙏

[@shivaniverma2030]

Maam plz reply...Plz help me out...I don't know how to handle him...And how to deal with this situation...It is getting difficult day by day...Plz help me...Is there any video which could help me/guide me?

[@shivaniverma2030]

He has been asking for knives, blades and alp sorts of sharp objects....And has also cut his hands atleast 3 times in the past 1 week.. We have been keeping him under a watch....But for how long??....That is not a permanent solution right??

[@hawkieandcawkie5188]

@@shivaniverma2030 dearest Shivani, I am not a professional medical person . Please get professional advice asap . my father had a type of dementia ( there are so many types and so many different underlying personalities that affect the types anyway) that went unnoticed because the family was dealing with our mother who suffered a stroke and developed vascular dementia very quickly afterward . My father attempted suicide in a horrific manor which is now lodged in all of our memory banks forever. He was subsequently diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia. The sad part of the story is that he was aware of losing his faculties and did not want to live with it . My mother is totally unaware that there is anything wrong with her at all . There are wonderful professional carers and care facilities that can help you and your father. It is not the threatened suicide that is the real danger, it seems to me that the irrational and unpredictable actions that are taken by Lewy Body Dementia patients are dangerous for everyone . You do not need the experience and memory that I carry . there are some things that one simply cannot do alone .. no matter how much love you have to give, sometimes love is simply not enough ! and I say that so sadly because I too know that love is the ultimate gift . Love for your Dad will empower you to get professional help . My heart is with you .. as it is with all of the people on this comments section of a very helpful CareBlazer site.