What Does Toxic Shame Look + Feel Like?

I discuss how chronic/toxic shame shows up in our lives.
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[@tbd5082]

If you are traumatized as a child for merely existing- most attention makes you recoil in shame.

[@nijicat]

I used to be confident and not giving a flying f*** about what others thought about me, but as soon as I graduated college and entered the workforce I have been having nonstop feelings of inadequacy and frustration, like I cannot seem to get with the program and perform on the same levels as my peers. In theory I understand completely that as humans we all function differently and have our own learning curves, however my brain cannot ignore or get over the need to feel this unwarranted shame. My brain keeps on repeating this voice like a broken record that I will never learn or improve in my skills and that I’m destined to stagnate in my field and cease to prove myself. I have somehow degenerated backwards and what little I have left of my confidence has fizzled out. I have tried multiple ways to combat this voice via exercising, reading books, trying new hobbies but over over again I am met with a new crippling sensation that trickles down from my head to my heart and then my stomach, everything feels hot and puffy and my eyes swell preparing to cry. I feel like there’s a demon within me that prevents me from having fun with valuable experiences by myself or with friends. No one I talk to seems to understand they try giving me advice but it falls short on me because they do not understand where I’m coming from. I’m currently trapped in a chronic shame vicious cycle and I desperately want to escape it. I’m commenting not only to reach out and vent but hoping that other people reading this know that they aren’t alone in these feelings and that somehow I hope we can find our own strength to combat this shame demon that is our own selves.

[@CDMButterfly]

Thank you. Reading your post helped me to feel I am not alone in this.

[@codacreator6162]

You’re not alone, either. I don’t know where your shame originates, but most often it stems from childhood trauma - either parents that were way too demanding, holding you to ridiculously high standards, or, from the opposite: parents who were distant, nonexistent, or detached from you and your life, if even just emotionally. If you feel worthless as a child for things you have difficulty measuring up to or you don’t seem to be valuable enough to get the love and attention you need, you can end up with a form of “developmental trauma,” which means it gets worse as you grow older and it remains unaddressed. Keep in mind, I’m not a therapist and am not diagnosing any issues here, or even providing medical advice. I’m just a guy whose only real and reliable ability is reading and writing, probably because a few teachers/professors have encouraged me in that way. And I happen to suffer from Complex PTSD (CPTSD) which is absolutely informed by a deep, abiding sense of shame. Look back at your childhood for a possible connection to your current dilemma. Then follow the clues until you get to the cause. Eventually, you’ll find it. A therapist can definitely help, but I’ve found that things move a LOT faster if you do this, first. The only issue might be that digging around in your childhood might be a very painful experience and trigger any number of emotional, mental responses. So, if going there alone is potentially hurtful, I would find a therapist and do it with help. There are a number of relatively affordable options at BetterHelp online. Hang in there, Nicole! I don’t have much of anything figured out, but I’m not giving up because I do believe there is hope for recovery. I’ve never been afraid of hard work (just everyone associated with it 😀) and it sounds like you aren’t, either. Stay strong. You are perfect in your representation of you. Never forget there is not nor will there ever be another you and the world needs and appreciates you way more than you know.

[@stefanlittauer9365]

Thank you

[@azistardebris]

@@codacreator6162Omg, this comment is everything I needed to hear. Thank you so much for shedding light on such important yet overlooked issues we all face in our own unique way. Thank you 🙏🏻 I will keep in mind everything you mentioned. My ailment has become so much clearer now.

[@solomondarrius]

i definitely have shame attacks

[@Commander_Pandashan]

Same

[@keeleehudson]

Yes. I’m trying like hell to conquer these attacks.. I’ve always struggled with guilt and shame. Anxiety and panic. I’m learning to love myself.

[@JennLawlor]

Keep going. It will get better. Jenn x

[@remekster]

Just finding out about toxic shame and all along i thought it was just anxiety but im certain its toxic shame. Its been with me every single day in my adulthood. Shame is with me every day and i always feel that even people i first meet somehow can see that im full of shame before ive even spoke to them, my past mistakes replay in my mind constantly and i shrink myself all the time. It is literally a battle and i know its not my true self because i often see glimpses of my true self and it gives me the determination to get rid of this. Its so hard to get rid of, i go through periods where its not as bad but it doesn't seem to last very long.

[@JennLawlor]

Keep learning about toxic shame and stay on the healing path and it will get better.

[@Harlem1991]

Jenn, I felt shame in social situations, when people would talk about their careers, I would physically find it hard to look at people or join in the conversation. In fact I would usually get up and physically remove myself from the situation. The shame I felt was certainly turned inwards, with an overwhelming sense of failure on my part. Thank you for your videos. X

[@JennLawlor]

Brent, I can really relate to what you've shared. I hope this has improved for you? - Jenn

[@illegitiminoncarborundum115]

I recently realized how often one of my friends frequently shames me. This has been going on for over two years. I wasn't able to identify the feeling until last week. When it happens, I freeze and shrink.

[@JennLawlor]

yup, it's a survival mechanism. Become small to avoid more shaming. No one can stand being in the shame spotlight.

[@DAClub-uf3br]

You have a kind face and calming voice.

[@clay4970]

I have had many shame attacks. I was always taught when I was young to never repeat mistakes, so I used to intentionally focus on reliving shame. It was like a harmful meditation.

[@bone_apple_teeth457]

For a long time I’ve been having trouble with getting flustered randomly. Like I’ll suddenly just get really embarrassed of myself. I’ve been calling it “rosacea” for a long time because people kept asking me why my face is always so red. I think it’s just shame expressing itself by making me flustered and pink suddenly.

[@muhumuzabernadette1122]

for a long time i did not know what was wrong with me. i felt angry with myself and angry with others...i hide myself from people and relationships. i never want to share what is wrong with me. i feel like its not important or even a waste of time. i sometimes feel like my life is useless and it should end already. listening to u has given me hope. i pray i get the strength to fight this monster and reclaim my happiness

[@rebeccajarrett5130]

Shame keeps coming up for me and it's this feeling of anxiety that I'm bad and everything I do is somehow wrong.

[@JennLawlor]

I'm so sorry. Shame is really difficult. What do you when shame comes into your awareness?

[@rebeccajarrett5130]

@@JennLawlor I've been trying to combat it with self compassion. It's not easy.

[@JennLawlor]

Try to locate the sensations in your body. See if you can find what the shame feels like and where it is in your physical body.

[@rebeccajarrett5130]

@@JennLawlor I always feel shame and fear in my chest

[@mollylarkins7075]

My mother shamed me for being born a sinner. Targeting me from my sisters. I played and got dirty and loved animals. She was completely disgusted by dirt and filth and couldn’t separate sin and dirt. I am completely safe and feel good with myself, yet feel the heat and heart raised when around family. It’s almost a phobia of parents, siblings and family. I’m okay with people who are good with themselves. Easy to spot that for me.

[@JennLawlor]

Molly, I'm so sorry you experienced that shaming as a child. That phobia (fear) that you're storing in your subconscious needs to get processed so it doesn't make you sick.

[@centurionstrengthandfitnes3694]

thank you for this. For 30 years, I've been struggling with crippling fear of embarrassment. In high school, some other kids noticed I flushed deep red whenever attention was brought onto me. Not sure when or how that actually started, but they made a game out of seeing how bad they could make me feel anytime I was asked a question in class. I didn't realize quite how bad the effects were until someone pointed out to me that, in my adult life (30 years on) my business and love life were failing catastrophically because I seemed determined not to promote myself or put myself out there. I'm trying to get help for this now. I hope I can live free of this soon. Hearing your similar story meant a lot. Thanks, Jenn.

[@JennLawlor]

You are so welcome. I work with a lot of clients specifically with shame, so if you're interested in seeing if we're a fit, reach out and we'll schedule a call.

[@huntsvillerealtour]

Oh wow. Apparently I have had shame attacks.

[@Ian-Steele]

Hi Jenn. Thanks again for your videos. On watching this one the term Shyness came to my mind as it seems a deep seated form of shyness may be a contributing factor in Toxic Shame. The reason I say this is because a teenage girl that I know of has always been very shy and she has had all sorts of problems with self harm and suicidal thoughts. She is currently in professional care where she can be securely cared for. Following your videos gives me some ideas of what she might have been through and helps me to understand how she might have arrived at this stage in her life. Keep up the good work. Take care and enjoy every day xx 😊

[@JennLawlor]

Hi Ian! Most everyone is shy to a degree, however, I agree with you that when someone is VERY shy it does mean they have anxiety about showing their 'true' self to others. One would only be concerned about exposure if they feel there is something to hide. I'm sorry to hear of the struggles your friend is having. Jenn x

[@kikukerberus3197]

Grade 8 when I started acting weird, flashback on shameful events, no matter how long it is, either the first childhood shame I felt which is one of the top worst I still remember rn. I can remember all of them, it's a daily routine to make me remember how shit I am. I've already resigned myself that I'm a shitty person, alcohol is my best friend and the best poison to end it all, Marijuana will make me feel like I'm a normal person, it's a true cure to calm me down, but eats up money. Then covid came lost my alcohol and drugs and just back to an endless loop. Btw my nickname since Grade 8 was alien, every year I get that nickname no matter how many school I change, no matter how far. I'm 2nd year college right now, never heard my parents praise me, since I'm a shitter, it's just too deeply rooted and I'm tired, been praying to God every day these 2 years to end me once and for all, too much of a coward to do it myself. I just want to finally rest in peace that's all. Sorry.

[@stefanlittauer9365]

Thanks for sharing. I recognise much in myself

[@strafer8764]

I was told I have toxic shame. I think I intensify it by going on the attack when I think I’m going to be hurt which makes people avoid me. This compounds the worthlessness I’m already feeling with their abandonment and rejection. I make the worthlessness real.

[@JennLawlor]

yup, it's a viscious cycle. How are things now?

[@strafer8764]

@@JennLawlor i think I’ve accepted it is who I am and there is some relief in that and by pushing to start relationships knowing this is just continuing the cycle. I’m tired out altogether

[@MsLoila]

Really like your energy miss Jenn. Very warm and friendly.

[@JennLawlor]

Oh thank you!

[@senmonkashonen5875]

I had a loooot of shame attacks in my life but my approach was different...i was bulldozing the shame, in fact I still got girls and I was treated by other as the conventionnal bad boy who doesn't give a fuck while I was the absolute opposite inside , with time i thought it disappears but i stills inside just the weak voice that you can't hear, but once you reattach with your emotions..this emotion, shame,came back and get to the surface

[@vairanilafan]

I had toxic shame😞that time I can't understand whats wrong with me... I'm so afraid of speak that time...I can't explain to others that what I feel...so I would say lie...like headpain, vomitting etc..so everyone just comfort me...after I'm normal then worried about why I'm acting like this... because no can can understand if I said the truth...🙁 I'm so embarrassed and I just wanna disappear,I hate myself...plzzz help me doctor 🙏

[@ahob5603]

I feel it most of the time but a true friend has just In lightened me to toxic shame now I feel like I can start growing now...

[@savethedolphinsEgM]

Im not sure if you have ever come across this, as a child my friend Erik had repeated night terrors (for months) having the same terror dream, waking screaming, running through the house screaming while asleep. The dream began with him shrinking smaller and smaller (in a terrifying way) until he was all but invisible and erased from the world. Then he'd find himself running away in terror, being chased by a figure wearing a green mask. He had the identical dream over and over. This reminds me of the shame attack experience, only it took place in repeated night terrors at ages 8 and again at 11. Can shame attacks happen in our dreams?

[@JennLawlor]

It sounds like your friend's subconscious was communicating his loss of self. Perhaps parts of himself needed to be suppressed in order to remain attached to a parent? And yes, absolutely, you can have a shame attack in your dreams.

[@oliviaswann4686]

After narc abuse I internalised it all

[@neilfleeming7824]

I was systematically seduced by my uncle's wife for years, she was at least 10 years older than me and I was between 20 - 25 years old. I didn't do anything with her but I see her in my dreams which involve intercourses and I wake up with huge a regret and shame. Then, when I realize that was a dream, I become the happiest person. Do you recommend me to see a therapist for this situation and could systematic seduction or seduction consider as an abuse?

[@JennLawlor]

Hi Neil, this kind of violation is abuse. It sounds like you're carrying quite a bit of guilt and shame which you do need to release because they are too heavy to carry around and be healthy and happy. I work with clients specifically in this area. Let me know if you'd like to discuss.

[@TheOriginalRaxin]

ew