What Happens When You Hit Rock Bottom in Gender Transition?

[@davefisher1840]

This was excellent. I haven't hit rock bottom. But my biggest disappointment is I found out so late in life that I am transgender. I have been on HRT for 14 months. My doctor put me in estradiol patches and I have not had any mood swings. It seems my body has been waiting for the estradiol since I went through puberty. I have only come out to my family and a very few friends. In stealth mode, I have written my book, “Who Killed Who? A Love Story” and I have been giving talks and video presentations trying to help people understand the beauty of being transgender. I think the biggest problem for we transgenders is being accepted, respected, and most of all being APPRECIATED. I hope my talks, and especially my book will help in this mission.

[@tula1433]

Who killed who? Your autogynephillic artifact killed the male host. I support TS not older transvestic fetishists who transition. That’s all there is here on this page! Autogynephilia is real.

[@DA-te7xe]

Most transgenders are transexuals, what do you think about them and transexualism?

[@davefisher1840]

@@DA-te7xe I’m sorry but I’m not qualified to answer that question as I’m not an expert. When I was a little boy around 5, I developed OCD but didn’t know it. I had OCD all during my life until about two years ago. I saw information on KZbin about Transgender women, and began to realize that I had had all those thoughts and actions growing up but didn’t tell anyone. I went to a therapist and discovered that I was a transgender woman. The OCD immediately went away. It was almost like magic. Of course it wasn’t magic. It was simply that I had been harboring this all during my life. I have never been so happy, though I am stealth for the most part and I don’t have any desire to go around bragging that I am transgender. I am trying to help people understand being transgender is real and not bad. I know because I’m experiencing it.

[@DA-te7xe]

@@davefisher1840 All genders are only self-identifiable, it is wrong to define others, do you agree? Genders require no knowledge/information and the trans-isms have a simple definition, do you agree? So you are not wrong to share your opinion about transgenderism and transexualism. The OCD link to your perception of femininity expression is interesting! Advocating perception of femininity expression could be a good thing, though everybody's seems different.

[@davefisher1840]

@@DA-te7xe My OCD was so bad it controlled almost my entire life but no one knew including me. The only way I could escape was to go to bed. From what I have learned all transgenders are different. I don’t know how to share what it’s like being transgender, but once I found out my life changed from a black and white flat world into a colorful world in 3D. Once I made the discovery I have not had a single doubt.

[@josephbelisle5792]

I have severe CPTSD so I have been hitting rock bottom pretty much my entire life. In my therapy, I keep hitting rock bottom but my new natural state is always better and more resilient. Then i recovered memories than prove I am trans. Its been tough. Scrapping bottom again. But my CPTSD healing journey does provide me with insights, understanding, knowledge and tools. I came to terms with being trans pretty quickly. I understand that my being trans is about me being me and my happiness and not anyone elses perception of sex, gender and especially myself. Small steps. Get help. Trust yourself. Honor yourself. Validate yourself. Most of all love yourself. Just do the next right thing. Understand that you are who you are. Whatever that is. Just be you. I have a frig magnet that says be yourself, everyone else is already taken. Despite all my trauma, that 3 yo little girl I was knew I was a girl. No shame. No fear. Certainty.

[@Sirfunkymonkey]

About 1 year before, was pretty bad. Thanks for your awesome uploads, youre like a mind reader with you uploads haha

[@DRZPHD]

I hope you are in a better place today than you were a 1 year ago and I hope you will be in even better place next year.

[@Sirfunkymonkey]

@@DRZPHD Oh yeah I should have mentioned I'm great now :) just had to take the first steps. You have been a huge help to me. Your content is amazing

[@IssyVoca]

I'm in the first category. Hit rock bottom aka full blown gender crisis 1,5 years ago. And as you said, it gave me immens energy to "figure this thing out". Somehow I managed to not fall completely apart, but took lots of baby steps towards a so far social transition. It's a slow process, but much better, than the mixture of despair and panic I had to deal with.

[@DA-te7xe]

What if you don't reach your trans goal? How would you know you've reached it?

[@IssyVoca]

@@DA-te7xe I don't think I have a specific goal, there is no blueprint I can follow. Being non binary is more of a journey to see what feels "me". I am guided by euphoria and dysphoria, trying to enjoy every discovery I make about myself and then improve my life accordingly. Maybe I should try to envision a goal, to make my path clearer and avoid some painful experiences. But I've never been able to answer those "where do you see yourself in 10 years" questions, because I was never able to see my authentic self until I learned I was trans, until I learned there is such a thing as being non binary.

[@DA-te7xe]

@@IssyVoca why should people care what your or anyone's gender is?

[@IssyVoca]

@@DA-te7xe You can be any or no gender, whatever feels authentic to you. Just trust that people will know themselves and be respectful about it.

[@DA-te7xe]

@@IssyVoca for that to happen transgender idealogy people would have to use separate terminology and clear definitions.

[@Xcorgi]

Rock bottom for me was discovering that everything I tried to do to fit into society as a man still never got me full acceptance as a man. So I decided that if people are gonna hate me in life, it will no longer be because I’m trying to be something I’m not. If I transition, they may still hate me but at least I will finally be happy about myself becoming a woman.

[@ALEXMCLAREN2010]

Very insightful video. I hit rock bottom in February and am experiencing this again now. Been trying to destroy myself the last 9 months with drugs and drink as just can't deal with this anymore. I'm 47 so in the older group. Don't plan to reach 50 as this world hates trans people and I just want the pain to end.

[@matildab2231]

I'm in a similar place. I dunno how to escape this irrational multi paradox either. Perhaps I will walk a different path one day soon, or perhaps I will follow the one I am on over the cliff's edge. Time will tell. Lots of love to you all! M xXx

[@matildab2231]

By multi paradox I mean that it takes drink and dr ugs to find the courage to be as I wish. But the sober me, with fifty years of life's conditioning, has learned to hoist the facade. And I don't want to hoist it. So the intoxicants which free me are obviously also proving to be a barrier. Yes, clean up, be patient, and see where it leads. But no, I want it all right now! Cricket bat round the back of the head, please. M xXx

[@DA-te7xe]

It's because transgenderism is rude and a concern for danger, most people probably would be okay just expressing a more unique expression of femininity and masculinity.

[@DA-te7xe]

@@matildab2231 What exactly is it that you want?

[@Theia_Loves_Gaia]

@@DA-te7xe It seems to me that you're actively trying to harm this person. Please stop.

[@emilyramsey9079]

I've always considered myself as lucky and have lived a pretty good life with more ups than downs and know a lot more people has had it worse than me so that feeling has always helped me to stay positive and not feel sorry for myself and to know things will get better as long as I don't give up. I really don't think I've ever been to a rock bottom because of my determination of not giving up, I was pretty low from 2016 when I discovered all the transgender languages and realized this is who I was and had no knowledge or resources to do anything about it and it wore on me every day no matter if something fun was taking place in my life. I lived a life of just exciting until March of 22 when I discovered the resources that evaded me for so long and once in my reach I grabbed those resources and took full advantage of the lucky fortune and I've never looked back and prepared myself for a long journey down a road that I knew would be full of bumps and detours and told myself to just stay steady and I will make it as long as I don't give up. I lost my job over it but not rock bottom it was only a bump that I prepared myself for and made it past it. Did it slow me down a little? Yes. But I'm still moving forward taking baby steps. I'm still managing to get my laser session in and just got my 3rd one behind me. This past week I treated myself and got my eyebrows permanent ombre powder/ microbladed to look more feminine in a permanent way that was in reach financial wise until I can get any of the expensive GCS that I'm working towards. It's amazing how something as small as tattoo eyebrows can reassure you your goals and actually happening and I'm getting there one baby steps at a time. Great video Love you DR.Z ❤️

[@DA-te7xe]

After so much don't you want to identify to others as female?

[@DRZPHD]

@Billie thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@vincenzaminnafra6197]

Spot on..... 65 and I finally had to do something. Now comes the train wreck

[@DRZPHD]

Glad you did and trust that you have the strength and resources to handle it.

[@vincenzaminnafra6197]

@DR Z PHD maintaining the resources and walking the journey path is definitely a fine line to balkabmnce on, my job provides the resource aka medicial insurance, but since management here is " employed at will" comming out is likely to cost me that job.... still it's not all lost either. Thank you for being you

[@tula1433]

Agp

[@sunshinem.7741]

Just recently found this channel and you share so much fantastic advice and perspective! AFAB with a cis man ~10years, and of course grew up a tomboy. Generally feminine presenting. Into adulthood, I've just kind of been me, not having gender be a huge part of who I am. Some days I feel more feminine, others I feel very neutral, or whatever. Style and hair have varied a lot. My partner is fine with my fashion choices, but really doesn't like when my hair is shorn. Honestly, that's my favorite way to have it. It hurts to know he finds me less attractive without a feminine hairstyle so I'm growing it out right now. Growing up being forced to have long hair gave me a complicated dynamic with my hair where - even after different haircuts - I never really liked how it was or thought it looked like ME. Shearing it off was the most free feeling and the most me I had felt in a long time. Last year I grew my hair out for him I got so dysphoric that I couldn't look in a mirror without tearing up. So I sheared it again. And I thought we came to an understanding that that was what I wanted. But here we are, growing it out again, this time with my own trimming plan to keep it looking okay. Not feeling bad like I did last time and he's never been mean about it at all. I'm just highly sensitive. Currently very torn on whether my hair is a genderfluid thing or just me and if should keep it shorn again or not... I want him to still think I'm attractive but also want my own thing. Unsure if I need to talk to him about gender and give myself a real label instead of just going with the flow. Hoping watching more of your videos will help reach a conclusion.

[@CandyCane-t5x]

Like a lot of people I didn't know what Dysphoria really is. Sometimes now I feel overwhelmed. I'm 63 and putting this together Now!

[@Princess_Paula_T.]

This was very thought provoking for me. It made me think about my earliest feelings at around the time time puberty started for me. I saw the physical changes happening to the girls my age and I felt a kind of jealousy, I no longer felt at ease around them nor did I feel as one of the boys. Ever since then I have always wanted not only to look like a girl but also be one. This is my coming out as wanting to transition male to female. Being on spirolactone and finasteride for 11yrs for other than mtf has changed me a bit physically and definitely emotionally, so I feel as if I have been on partial hrt. Gender dysphoria is hard to live with, hard to own up to, hard to come out as to family and friends. For me it is not emotional nor is it. a mental condition, it comes down to a deep felt desire to be what you feel you are.

[@DA-te7xe]

Why didn't you feel at ease with girls? What would you sacrifice to change sex? and what is your best part about experimentally trying to change?

[@Princess_Paula_T.]

I simply did not trust girls in what they said or did or even their thoughts. As for sacrificing, nothing, I've been married had kids an been on my own for 20 yrs. The best part of trying to change is the medications have chemically castrated me so I have almost no sex drive and it is very peaceful and calm.

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing.

[@kristakayne8106]

your videos have saved my life. thank you

[@DRZPHD]

Ohhh wow so glad to be of support to you.

[@troycantrell1549]

thank you ,you are a important part of my life,i depend on your channel daily,its a journey

[@DRZPHD]

Wishing you all the best.

[@kathydawn5240]

Thank you for your videos, i have learn much, especially about myself. I have experienced the first type of rock bottom once, and the second type twice, or at least variations of it. First, Feeling your only purpose is to work and pay rent/bills, thinking why should I continue to live. Then slowly start doing little things, trying little changes, leading to doing things for yourself, not others. This lead to exploring my feeling about sex, and then gender, started reseaching and learning. Ultimately that I am Transgender, and the peach I felt taking my first Estradiol tablet. Second, was trying to find support from others who had transitioned fully, and being told I had to do things right away, regardless of how it would affect others depending on my income. Feeling so lost, until realized, each person is different, and progresses in thier own way. Third, getting lost not knowing how to afford surgeries. Need income, so can't take time off work. Make too much for state insurance, not enough to afford to purchase insurance that would help. This was snowballing. Took many months, then I just accepted it, and started being happy with the changes HRT was making to my body and my mind. This was calming to me. (Now I am looking for Medicare starting later this year, and I retired earlier this week, shortly moving to less expensive place. So there is light at the end of the tunnel now.)

[@DRZPHD]

Ohhh wow what a strong person you are! I am so sorry to hear about your challenges.

[@miaphoenix6490]

I have before. It's why I started HRT and in midst of my transition. I started working on coloring books, 3d crystal puzzles and energy cleansing work with incense and sage. I'm a older individual that's been transitioning a little over a year now. I'm just done with trying to live by other people's perspective mold of me. We have ability to mold our own life and that's what I intend to do.

[@DA-te7xe]

Aren't you going to try be identified by others as female?

[@DRZPHD]

@Mia Phoenix I wish you all the best.

[@sniffableandirresistble]

Fuck you're right and I'm in both bottoms simultaneously wow thank you. "Orbit of energy" blew my mind 🤯

[@DRZPHD]

I am so sorry to hear of your situation.

[@sniffableandirresistble]

@@DRZPHD par for the course ⛳️ Haha 😀

[@Jnaathra]

Before I decided to transition. I didn't want to get out of bed for 4 days. That was my rock bottom. Laying in bed like 19 hours a day with just my cat. Unable to really sleep, awake for hours with just my thoughts and when I did nap it was a mixture of nightmares or nearly lucid dreams. I didn't do drugs or alcohol to cope, but I came home everyday and hid away inside of online worlds. MMOs at first and Second Life later on. The connections that I made in SL did help me in the end. It just took a long time. Years that I wish I could get back. I am not going to dwell on that though.

[@DRZPHD]

I am so sorry to hear of your struggles.

[@sar3708]

It’s like your reading the collectives mind ❤

[@DA-te7xe]

Yeah, like simply disregard society's definitions, right?

[@Theia_Loves_Gaia]

This was really good - and REALLY familar! Things are kinda rough for me right now, but there's been other major things going in my life at the same time as transition. I was caregiving for my dad until he died (at home) several months ago, and now that he's gone I'm the last one left of my family. I'm really surprised at that, given my substance abuse issues of the past (including a full on junkie career in my late 20s), I thought I'd be the first to go, not the last. Cosmic joke on me, I guess. So sometimes I don't know if I'm spiralling out because of gender stuff or because of grief - or both. It all seems to blend together. The feeling you described of being stuck - yep, that's the word, STUCK. But today's a pretty good day, all things considered. I won't link to it, but I really got a lot out of the youtube short by John Green called: How to have hope that life can get better

[@DRZPHD]

Thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best.

[@jimjones7912]

Thank you, I'm in bed, now I will get up to get going on small steps ! I'm late, but, I can, at least, make it to first destination. I needed to have this video message, thank you! ❤️

[@DRZPHD]

Wishing you all the best.

[@abbashussain1222]

Can you make a video on Transgender OCD??

[@5akura]

your videos are very great, thank you

[@DRZPHD]

Glad you like them!

[@DrayseSchneider]

Oh $DEITY! Does that mean I hit rock bottom twice pre-transition? I started coming out to people in my mid-twenties even though I lacked a lot of the terminology, because I felt I needed to move forward in that area. At some point during my marriage to my then spouse, to whom I had disclosed my gender questioning at start of our engagement, this somehow became a "forgotten" detail. I would hit rock bottom again almost 16 years later when she and I separated, over reasons not directly related to my gender identity, which sent me on an over 5 year journey of self-discovery. And the reason it took me an extra few years, I think, is that I had to learn that I deserved happiness too and that I wasn't a terrible person who needed to be punished for the marriage failing. As for wells, my dad's parents had a well on the old farm. I only met my granddad when I was less than a year old and only have pictures of him holding me but no living memories. My grandma used tell me and my siblings stories about how granddad dug that well by hand when they first moved out to their new homestead in Canada after moving from Germany. Grandma would often keep milk and other perishables in the well to keep them cold even though they had a propane powered fridge.

[@tula1433]

You’re AGP not TS.

[@DrayseSchneider]

@@tula1433 Except I'm bi. And AGP does not explain the bi or lesbian experience among trans women, and attempts to twist it so it does demonstrates AGPs inability to explain anything. Good day, mental midget.

[@DRZPHD]

@Drayse thank you for sharing.

[@Gabriel-sn6yg]

I've hit a quite unique rock bottom unlike those you spoke above (:

[@DRZPHD]

I am so sorry to hear. I know there are other ways people experience rock bottom.

[@Gabriel-sn6yg]

@@DRZPHD I know you know there are other way, you've said it in the video. Anyway, I've a therapist and it's getting better.

[@sonyatheforestgaurdian3152]

Found out the college I'm at has a anti-trans policy. I guess the best thing I can do it the little hidden things, go to classes and pray I don't get found out.

[@DRZPHD]

Stay safe and I wish you all the best.

[@LuizCarlos-cg3qc]

Fantástica linda ♥️♥️

[@colmonhs]

💕💕

[@DA-te7xe]

What do you mean by "have language" about it?" 3:12

[@Maelstrome123]

The vocabulary to describe something.

[@SusanYTripp-lp4ss]

Dr Z could probably better explain, but I think, by "have language", she's talking about the ability to speak on the subject of recognizing the essence of being transgender. 20+ years ago, people who we'd classify today as being transgender didn't have the terminology and open discussions about it all that we've started having over the last 10 years or so. Heck, when I came out in June, 2021 at the age of 52, I realized that I'd been trans my entire life; I just didn't have the self-awareness and vocabulary to express what I was feeling; that vocabulary/terminology has only really started coming to the fore in the last 10 - 15 years.

[@DRZPHD]

@user-nt9lk3yn7o precisely! Thank you for clarifying this to the viewer.

[@DA-te7xe]

@@SusanYTripp-lp4ss What is that essence? Why not share the language and again-what is it? How would you class them others' gender? You still don't have original terminology because it's based dependant on sex, the 10+ years discussion are wrong, ignorant and closed to sex truth.

[@SusanYTripp-lp4ss]

@@DA-te7xe The "essence" I was referring to was the "sense of self" that comes with recognizing something about yourself that is more than just your physical/biological characteristics. The discussions that have occurred, with the help of therapists and other professionals, have helped clarify the terminology/language used to have this discussion. Biological sex is not the be-all-end-all of what makes humans who they are, either as a group or as indiviiduals.

[@francinefootoo]

[@DA-te7xe]

I think most people could be better not trying to be false about sex & changing it and that it's struggle seems equal to that wrongness, and instead try improve society's sociocultural sex standards that you didn't like as that sex or and what you do like about the other sex.

[@Maelstrome123]

Being trans has nothing to do with gender roles.

[@zaraanderson3838]

I notice often in your excellent videos you address your viewers as guys. this is rather problematic , surely there is no need for gendered and potentially offensive language like that

[@tula1433]

How agp of you to notice

[@DRZPHD]

@Zara Anderson I apologize for that. While "guys" is universally genderless for me I realize it is not for many and will be more mindful with language.

[@zaraanderson3838]

@@tula1433 who the f do you think you are calling people a thing like that in a place like this. You wanna explain to everyone what agp means?

[@ch9nnel99]

@@zaraanderson3838 Accelerated Graphics Port?

[@bodybait]

I call it gender awareness rock bottom > 45 yo My gender was broken and I was not addressing this problem. I was addressing the symptoms. 6 months latter hitting a low again, not sure if its a bottom. The gas tank feels empty. The process is slow, hard , expensive, lonely , overwhelming , and I still have other mental issues and physical pain mobility issues to deal with. But I keep looking forward and keeping track of my goals.

[@DRZPHD]

Wishing you all the best.

[@amandabillings2517]

You start climbing out. 😉