WHAT I EAT IN A DAY - FIGHTING MY HEAD - LIFE WITH ANOREXIA

A what I eat in a day and a (rather long) talk about my thoughts and feelings, and how I am going to keep on going no matter what.
It is very confusing, but recovery is the best choice - always.
FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM: / elzani__
PO Box:
Elzani
PO Box 253
Exmouth
EX8 9DT

[@Ella-ps1lg]

This IS real recovery. two steps forward, one step back. it's not a straight line. It's easy to plateau & get comfortable but that doesn't take away from all the steps and all the work you've done. Being cold and tired are two of my least favourite Anorexia symptoms - Deep breath - time to take the next steps. We're all with you.

[@rachel.c.p9302]

Remember, there are people who begin recovery at a 'normal' BMI or even an 'overweight' BMI. Permission to eat as much as you want (which could mean all of the time!), isn't based on how underweight you are. Your body and mind have been deprived for so many years and there is a lot of physical healing and mental re-wiring to be done. You can do this, Elzani! x

[@watevermynameis7258]

not recovery of anorexia, u have to be underweight to be diagnosed

[@rachel.c.p9302]

@@watevermynameis7258 Recovery from any eating disorder requires responding to hunger and mental rewiring.

[@i_h2081]

watever my name is you defiantly don’t need to be diagnosed especially with so much prevalence these days and such a demand in nhs and gps they didn’t always have the training and time you can be very very ill without diagnosis and it’s mental illness anyway so although it’s more likely at low weight it can happen at other and ‘healthy’ weights too

[@Nicolacurran1]

@@watevermynameis7258 I have to say this is ridiculous. When I was anorexic I didn't suddenly become anorexic when I reached a certain number on a scale. The anorexia was there at my highest and lowest weight. It just led me to lose that weight.

[@hades04144]

Rachel Phelps people who are overweight with ATYPICAL anorexia (not anorexia) should not be treated the same way as someone whom is anorexic, treatment should and does vary depending on BMI and what you’re saying is just regurgitated mess from the “Fat acceptance”/“Body positive” movement which is not a science based nor medical health based community

[@GreyEarlTea]

Elzani, what you said about making our worlds so small is too true.. Some relatives offered to take me to a theme park & all I could think about was what will I eat there.. everyone will be able to watch me.. I won't be able to do my stupid habits.. and I'm so tired of it. Life is passing me by. And I hate it. As soon as you said that I called my mom and told her I'm coming! Thank you Elzani, for reminding me to push myself.

[@caitlinwoodvine2624]

Honestly, EAT! ALL! THE! TIME! i regret not letting myself eateateat because then extreme hunger hit me like a ton of bricks when i was at a VERY healthy weight and i wish i had just let myself eat everything when i was refeeding. Also, i am at my pre ed weight/maybe slightly higher, and i STILL feel like death if i go too long without eating or i am FREEZING to my bones if i haven't consumed enough calories over the day. I am 4years into being a ''healthy weight'' and stilllllll get fatigue, coldness and extreme hunger when if dont eat well. Reversing the damage literally takes yeaaaaaaaaaaars of consistent eating. i spent 4years in ''quasi recovery'' and could not regret it more. So PLEASE eat EVERYTHING you want WHENEVER you want, because trust me, you'll get better a million times quicker and your body will respond SO MUCH better. STAY STRONG GORGEOUS GIRL YOU GOT THIS x

[@Zzzzzzzz41]

This!!!!

[@karolinehartmann4057]

Same 😂 now I eat like crazy

[@emilyfrancis-isabelle7803]

I needed to here this, thank you xx

[@girlygirl701]

@Jill_ius I'm experiencing extreme hunger in recovery. Recovery is so hard. Proud of all the survivors

[@anonymousperson1063]

I am in recovery now, I really want to go in but I am having trouble with going over the „minimum“ and honouring my mental hunger because I feel like I am not allowed to eat more than I did pre ED... thats so hard for me and I don’t know how to let go

[@throughrose-colouredeyes6284]

how you see your body is not how the rest of us see your body. please don't let your eyes deceive you, nor anorexia's thoughts and opinions about your appearance make you feel like you deserve less. whatever this illness says isn't true. and it isn't YOU. keep listening to elzani, and what your soul already knows, and values. i'm so proud of you for fighting this. it's far from easy, but you're going to get through. i know it. your bravery is more powerful than that mean voice in you mind. but don't beat yourself for not being where you want to be in recovery. healing takes time. you're doing well in my eyes, because you're trying your best in each moment, and that's the best anyone can do. remember, your body is a ship to carry all you are within, but it needs fuel to do that. and the people who care about you? they don't care about what you look like. they just love you for you. xo

[@hippymama100]

Elzani, I would LOVE to see you just throwing stuff on the plate. Don't put any time or energy into arranging it, making it presentable. Just put a big giant portion on your plate, sit down, and eat it. Love you! Good job and keep it up!

[@leahkrilova4970]

I think it’s an eating disorder/ anxiety habit

[@sarahpacker9861]

Leah Krilova or she just like nice looking food

[@aw8758]

The eating is disordered so she probably still needs to have some control over the eating hence making it look nice

[@Magic_sparkles]

If it’s just slapped on the plate it don’t look appealing…why do you think restaurants or pubs arrange food nicely on a plate? To make it look appealing enough to eat:

[@lotteberendsen9785]

Elzani you’re going to be so happy and feel so free one day.

[@holliegolightly7107]

You should do a non-eating disorder related Q&A, or a facts video, you're such an amazing person and we'd love to see more of the lovely Elzani separate from the eating disorder!

[@gabrielaxavier2395]

Hollie Golightly yessss totally!!! she is such an amazing person...

[@beautybyleonie]

Hi Elzani, I just paused the video to type this comment, which I really hope you will read and take to heart. When you talk about all the things you have achieved, that's great! You really do look better than when I started watching. And when you talk about all the things you still want to change and/or wish for yourself in the future (foodwise), that's also great! I just noticed that you tend to get really focused on the goal, and sometimes forget about the way there. Another thing I noticed was what you said about taking pictures of food to post on Instagram, but not posting them eventually because your inner critic is so strong. Here comes in what I think you might need and, most importantly, what you might benefit from most. Maybe you already have a mental health therapist but you never mention them, so I'm a bit scared that you don't get any mental, emotional help right now. This is so important tho! Because they will help you with the roots of your ED, which are e.g. that strong inner critic and any insecurities. See it from this point of view: if your sink is broken, you can keep mopping up the water that's leaking from it, or you could actually call for help to fix the broken part itself. I genuinely hope your family will help you reach out to professional help, because you don't have to do this all alone (or as a family). Professional help is there to do exactly that: help you! They might really be able to help you get over this sort-of plateau. Take care :)

[@Clairvoyantkel]

LF Jansen I hope she sees this touching comment x

[@KathySong1]

Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to have the ‘best’ Christmas or ‘best’ new year. Just try your hardest. Maybe say ‘I will and I am going to try my hardest this Christmas’ The ‘best’ puts so much pressure on, (on anything) and I’m guessing that is a part of the problem? I could imagine you setting this ‘best’ goal and then doing something or not doing something so very small and beating yourself up for not being ‘the best’? You have such a strong grip and insight into your eating disorder and what it means, what it entails, effects of it. You are not in denial there. You are not failing you are pushing on amazingly and I admire your courage and strength.

[@regitzehansen6949]

I needed to hear this. I was struggeling Chrismas eve with dinner and I am on a ‘normal’ weight... I have actully gain and feel like I need to lose it again... I can already hear my grandmas comments😅 and actully my anorexia (not got the dianose but everyone knows I had it) kinda turned into binge (without purge) and then kinda back to anorexia and now I’m here not eating enough of the ‘real’ stuff by gaining weight by unheathy stuff like cookies and chocolate😅... sorry for my vent🙈

[@Stacyann_1]

Elzani, re-read Tabitha's book. even if you were a normal weight now, you .still should have both snacks anytime you even for a second think about both snacks. this is forever, you need to rewire your neural pathways. you always have as much food as you want, regardless of what your weight is, it has nothing to do with your weight. you are amazing, really working at it, an inspiration for us all.

[@biancakekoa1363]

I have been balancing between normal eating and disordered eating for so long but recently it was really effecting my relationship and I decided I need to eat normally. I’ve been in an healthy weight range through most of this so it’s hard to recover when you feel like you’re not “sick enough” but I told myself it’s better to eat what i want and exercise how I want and learn to love my body at the weight it’s at while maintaining the eating and workout lifestyle I love instead of restricting and binging and losing and gaining weight inconsistently. Good luck! You’re doing amazing and I love seeing your updates ! We’ll kick our eating disorders to the curb ❤️

[@georgieroberts8697]

I agree with this so much!! I’ve not weighted my food all this week and it’s actually quite freeing!! Oh and I ate a cupcake!!😍

[@biancakekoa1363]

Georgie Roberts awesome! I threw away my food scale finally and I’ve been eating all kinds of yummy food I’ve been missing out on and I’ve been switching out my low cal things that are literally just chemicals and zero nutrient (things like sugar free sweeteners and 45 cal bread) and buying real food with real nutrients! I love it so much and instead of dropping five pounds and then gaining it all back and constantly being miserable I’ve just been maintaining the same weight (I also almost never weigh myself anymore, I just was curious about how my weight has been since not constantly restricting, binging, and purging) Cupcakes sound amazing right now though maybe I’ll bake some later 😁

[@millienewman136]

something I love about you Elzani is that you can openly admit when you know your ED is getting in the way and you can recognise that you need to push past it! That’s the sign of recovery and strength so well done you angel❤️

[@kellyblack7033]

So i know you've probably heard this all before but i thought i should just tell you how i have genuinely managed to recover. The only way, literally the only way in the world to recover is to eat and eat and eat. Yeah in the moment its terrifying, you will cry and feel awful and feel like you can't cope but over time i promise you this will end. The way you feel will end over time if you just eat without restriction every single day. Your body knows when you are restricting, it absolutely knows and thats why in recovery when you don't let yourself eat that extra snack or second helping you start to have disordered thoughts towards food again because your body is so hungry it cant stop thinking about food, and that obssesion over thoughts of food in your mind can trigger old anorexic restrictions. The absolute worst thing that could happen if you eat as much as you want everyday is that you will gain weight- good you have too. You will still be loved, you will still deserve to eat, you will still be beautiful- the only thing that will change is that you can do anything and everything you want with energy and beauty and you will finally be free in your mind. Having anorexia is exhausting, it ruins lives- you know in your heart what you need to do to live freely again and you absolutely can

[@marieburkhead5272]

Amazing comment!

[@kellyblack7033]

@@marieburkhead5272 ty

[@valentiinasvideos]

Couldn't agree more !!:)

[@girlygirl701]

Anorexia can come after recovery ?! Oh that's terrifying

[@Suzanna0987]

A trick to opening jars is to stick a knife in the side of the lid. This allows some air through and the lid will pop open.

[@AngelicasRecovery]

Susan Tate I do this! Lol

[@Suzanna0987]

@@AngelicasRecovery 👍 It's a good technique. Works every time. 🌷

[@thomasarnaud1868]

Do this eveytime!

[@Suzanna0987]

@@thomasarnaud1868 Yes Sirre. It works every time. 😎

[@rachelmaria251]

Snack: “APPLE CRUMBLE” yoghurt bowl 🍏 - Greek yoghurt (or you could try rice pudding or custard!) - Stewed cinnamon apples (tart variety eg Granny Smith, Braeburn - cube and stew down with cinnamon and, if you want, add maple syrup/brown sugar) OR shop-bought apple sauce. Option: add raisins (stewed with the apples) or blackberries. - Deliciously Ella ORIGINAL Granola (my favourite! 🤗 full of cinnamon, with maple syrup too. Add more nuts though, for crunch) - Apricot conserve (apricot jam is what is used to glaze apple pastries!) or maple syrup. Finish with cinnamon to taste. (If you want it super apple crumbly, you could use that apple cinnamon yoghurt you mentioned!) 👍🏼 Enjoy! 😘

[@rachelmaria251]

(P.S. if we’re talking about traditional carrot cake, the frosting isn’t normal buttercream; it’s mainly cream cheese! 😊 it’s such an easy cake to make at home, try it some time! Recommend John Whaite’s “quick” one and be sure to add lots of nuts into the batter!) 👍🏼

[@ottaviazwillenberg3168]

Rachel Maria have you tried deliciously ella’s other breakfast stuff?

[@petitehippie7064]

Yum! Those snacks sound absolutely delicious. I will definitely be trying them.

[@rachelmaria251]

Ottavia Zwillenberg hey! No I haven’t actually tried the nutty granola (just didn’t look as appealing to me as the cinnamon one 😋) or the Bircher muesli. I’ve bought a pack of the nut butter balls because they were on sale but haven’t had them yet so can’t comment! On another note though, I saw in Holland and Barrett (health food store in the UK if you don’t live here) that there is now this new “Troo Granola”, which also sells a cinnamon granola BUT WITH LOTS OF NUTS!!!! 😲 (as one thing I’d say about the DE one is that it’s a bit lacking in that department - I always add a load more nuts to it. 😁👍🏼👍🏼). They also seem to have chocolate, seedy and other varieties. 😋 might give these a go when I run out of my current pack! 😊

[@ottaviazwillenberg3168]

Rachel Maria I just tried the berry granola today! I soaked it in some pistachio mylk and it tasted amazing! Thoroughly recommend all her oat bars, energy balls, cups and now I can recommend the berry granola :)

[@Zzzzzzzz41]

Everything your saying IS real recovery. I think that is the KEY!! It has helped me so much. I am just over a year in to recovery and my “recovery” has looked different every month. Its getting better on the whole but there are soo many dips and peaks. I have been where you are at so i can sympathise 100%. Dont be so harsh on yourself... all the ways that you describe that you want to get better at (eg unplanned snacks) are just goals and aims!! Use them as that. It wouldnt be recovery if you woke up without ANY disordered thoughts. Keep pushing! Consistency is the key. You need to recognise that this is a journey and that you can see the destination but your not there now. Keep walking forward, i believe in you sooo much. Sending lots of love and positive energy- xxxxx p.s i can totally relate to getting sick of yourself. The amount of times iv heard myself say “this is it, im not giving in to ANY disordered thoughts, going to honour my hunger etc etc” we have to give ourselves credit. Dont try to be a new person tomorrow just try to be a slightly better version of yourself. One step at a time 🙏🏽 im walking with you

[@ndonnell6610]

Omg again, this makes me happy. You’re so real and I appreciate you being so honest with us during your whole process. You really help me - I hope you realise how much of an impact you make on others. It’s a positive one x

[@paulafernandez3441]

Right now I’m going through something similar: I am eating a lot more than I used to, but not really answering to my hunger (both physical and mental). I get very scared and I put challeging foods off many times. I am sooo fed up of this and I really want to go all in, but idk it is like something stops me every time I convince myself that it is the best thing to do. Thank you for being so inspiring! I am so proud of you!!

[@leab559]

Pauli Fernandez Me too - Canso relate to the cleaning kitchen to waste time thing... I also tell myself that I am too old to do an “all in” recovery - have a thousand reasons I am not entitled to actually...

[@abigailcoffey512]

I love hearing about your progress elzani but I would also love to hear about things you do (or plan on doing) outside of ed recovery. You come across as so intelligent and well-spoken, you could go to uni, volunteering, really whatever you set your mind to 💕

[@Clairvoyantkel]

Yesssss! I want to hear about her life away from the ed

[@rul1st3n1ng]

she only cares about her eating disorder lmao

[@domino5480]

I think you don't get that it's really almost everything she thinks of. Like, how can you even ask about something else? If you can't put yourselves in her place than shut up. Ed is everything you think about. It becomes your life. So rude.

[@abigailcoffey512]

@@domino5480 I'm not trying to be rude, I totally get that an ed can be all consuming but finding interests outside of the ed world can be a big part of recovery.

[@domino5480]

@@abigailcoffey512 yup, i get that, but like the comment with lmao pissed me off. I just feel like she is already like worrying about her future, interests and all, and somebody else telling her that... Idk. I would feel bad.

[@leahbaer11]

Echoing what so many others are saying Elzani, you are SO hard on yourself. You have very very high standards and expectations about where you should be, what you should be doing, etc. Every single step you take IS recovery. Every single day is recovery. The challenge win is recovery. The challenge loss is recovery. Every aspect. It’s fantastic to push yourself. It’s definitely necessary to push your boundaries and comfort zones. But it’s when you start beating yourself up for not doing ‘more’ or doing it ‘properly.’ The high expectations will only harm you.

[@peapod9972]

Very well said. The high expectations and beating ourselves up is part of the ED thinking or maybe what led us to being more vulnerable to ED.

[@gulfbaby230]

“The option that scares you the most is the right option”..... that is brilliant and can apply to so many areas of life!! I’m going to tell this to all of my grown children!!

[@valeriamadrid1115]

I'm loving how your hair is beggining to look! You're doing a great great job, keep it up with the positive attitude

[@bigkahunaburger1782]

Wow you are so well spoken, sweet and reflected! A beautiful mind like yours deserves a healthy and cared for body to live in❤️❤️ Its completely normal to want to eat all the time and you‘ll still have the right to eat whatever you want once your body is healthier. the more work you put in, the more years of mental freedom and physical wellbeing are ahead of you!!!

[@uncledavid1776]

Elzani, you are the best. You are the person who has prevented me from letting my ED get bad. Yes, I’m still restricting and at the same weight of 47 kilos but I’m not skipping lunch anymore! You’ve helped me so much. I’m going to be honest, I still sometimes skip lunch at school so that I can have afternoon tea when I get home from school (cause my ED says I have to eat the same every day so that I don’t gain weight) but I think I’m slowly getting better. And it’s because of you. If I want lunch, I’m allowed to have lunch. If I want afternoon tea as well as lunch and dessert, I can have that. You have made such a difference in my life. Thank you x

[@peapod9972]

You're going in a positive direction! Continue to give yourself credit for the little accomplishments...the little ones are just as important for us. I agree, Elzani is a great! Stay positive...keep at it...you can do it! 😊

[@cookedapple]

It's a lot easier to challenge yourself with food when you still have the comfort of being underweight.. it is a WHOLE different story keeping it up when you reach a normal weight. Just be prepared that it's not going to be easy... but you need to do it. What would you say to someone who came to you wanting to recover, but they were a normal weight? Would you tell them they shouldn't go all out and eat whatever they want because they don't need to gain as much weight?? No way! I gained 30kg in well under a year in recovery.. have to admit it's hard to watch you not have to gain because you're not in treatment and being 'pushed'

[@elzani6744]

Emma very true! Never easy but always worth it! Also I was in hospital on 6 weeks bed rest then in treatment for 5 - I gained over 17kg in that time. I wanted to, and it was hard, but also crazy because I actually walked away in the same jeans that I went in with - that’s how much weight you need to gain and literally how you can really even tell the difference much. I hope people realise I have actually been into hospital and inpatient. It was the worst thing I have ever experienced, and I couldn’t believe I let it get to that. I have a long way to go, but I am so so proud of how far I have already come! 😀

[@elzani6744]

Also in treatment they didn’t push me, I had to beg them every day to let me move to the next stage and when I experienced extreme hunger I pleaded for more food and all they allowed was one extra biscuit... ONE?!

[@cookedapple]

@@elzani6744 Oh trust me I am proud of you too, I think you're super awesome. I really do. I just think that it's a tonne harder once you reach an actual healthy weight and you will think "i am not sick anymore I don't have to keep going". When you look down and your BMI is 23.. you will not want to, but you've just got to keep recovering xx

[@Emmadl888]

your talk meant so much to me. I can totally relate and I feel the exact same way, the constant battles with my mind and letting go of my sick self is extremely tough. you are a true inspiration to me and we have to keep pushing!

[@dannifoley6943]

I love you! ❤️ The skip from inspirational message to "Toooast" had me laughing out loud 😂😂

[@dannifoley6943]

Oh no you did it more!! I can't 😂😂😂😂 I'm dying

[@dannifoley6943]

I know your being saying you feel like your "not trying as hard as you should be" But at least you are recognizing that !! That's important You got this 💪 We are cheering for you !!

[@candoga]

I admire your sincere and real criticism on yourself! I think you are going great! Recovery takes some time but it won't last forever. I believe that you will free your mind from this ED and of course you can do this! 👊

[@issymather8116]

Always remember anorexia is a MENTAL illness with physical side effects, you can’t look in the mirror to decide if you are sick enough because if you are having disordered thoughts you still need to fight! 🙌🏼🎉

[@jayye.8886]

You’re so freaking inspiring we love you elzani, go girl x

[@brookewilliams154]

Recovery isn’t linear. There will always be bumps in the road, and there will be times you’ll struggle. AND THATS OKAY!! The point is that you can recognize when you’re not doing as well as you want, and you can pull yourself out, take a step back, and get back on track. You are doing an amazing job, Elzani!!! You’re too hard on yourself. We’re always rooting for you!!

[@emilyrigg8196]

I noticed you got those bowls which you saw in John Lewis in the other video! I absolutely love them! Also everyone is so proud of your recovery so far, even though you have lows sometimes you are getting better which is the most important!💗

[@hippymama100]

Tip for opening a jar: tap the edge of the lid jar on the table/counter, fairly forcefully, all around the edge of the whole lid. Might have to do it a few times. Also, run the lid under very hot water for a few moments. Then try to loosen it. One or the other (or both together) almost always works for me.

[@nn-je9nt]

Dear Elzani, I have been in recovery for 3 years of which about two were quasi recovery which sounds like what you are going through right now. I had gained weight during quasi but not enough and was constantly thinking about food and weight and everything. I couldn’t sleep because I was thinking about food a lot as well. But in the last 6 months I have adopted the motto: do your worst. I would literally wake up and do the worst thing my eating disorder think I could do. Breakfast? Whole pint Ben and Jerry’s. Sick but still hungry? Would have two cookies. Then I would be bed bound for 4 hours. Then I would eat again. I didn’t exercise. I would overeat every single meal. Even at work. I just couldn’t stop myself. I felt guilty, I felt like I was bingeing because I was using food as comfort.. but and that is the most important thing: eating whatever I wanted whenever freed up so much space in my head. I have hobbies now. I spent time talking to my co workers. On break I don’t just stuff my face with food, I go out and chat with my colleagues or I listen to music. I can finally feel unrestricted about my food and recently even started not eating until stuffed anymore but until satisfied. Of course I still have cravings and of course sometimes I overeat, but I mostly just eat until I’m feeling kinda full and then I stop and forget food until I’ have a craving or am hungry. I still am learning. I still have bad thoughts. I still have bad body image and feel weird about my weight gain.. sometimes. Sometimes I also go to parties, like I will do tonight and am just excited about the fun and not the food. I just had breakfast and I feel like I want a magnum but I’m too full right now, so I can postpone it until later without guilt or damaging my recovery, because this is where I am at right now. Even my KZbin barely recommends me ed videos anymore, cause now I watch comedy and listen to music here. Yours was the odd one I got recommend, so I felt like I needed to tell you this: respond to every little hunger. It’s so worth it, trust me. I was there. And I came out on the other side. Life is finally starting to feel worth living again. I am so goddamn grateful I listened to my extreme hunger, because now, I don’t have to deal with it as often and can work on being happy through my personality and not my body. I wish you the best Elzani and I love how much more your personality glows already ✨

[@nn-je9nt]

Update: I am official recovered and don’t have any signs of anorexia anymore. I gained roughly 30 pounds, which - I now can see - were very needed and look great on me. I am so glad I am no longer have disordered eating or am underweight during this global health crisis. Wishing you the best. Recovery isn’t just worth it, recovery is mandatory to be able to be happy again.

[@hotgirlella]

@@nn-je9nt im very late to your comment, but it is so beautiful and inspiring i had to respond! thankyou so much for sharing your story, you should be so proud of yourself for reaching such an achievement; full recovery 🤍 your story has made me realise that i need to listen to my body, and the rest will work itself out!! xox

[@nn-je9nt]

@@hotgirlella dear e s/fellow KZbin commenter with two letters for a name ;), Thanks you for your nice words! I appreciate them a lot. I’m still healthy, happy & thriving! I hope you are doing well, too, it sounds as if you‘re in recovery still & that can be very though. I wish you the best wholeheartedly & hope you and your doctors find a treatment that works for you. Mind you, I responded to every little hunger, once I was no longer in danger of refeeding syndrome. Please keep it in mind, before eating whatever you want. But if you’re not in danger of that, I hope you can fully recover by eating whatever & whenever you want. :) If you have any updates, let me know! Sending hugs!

[@onlyme7308]

You’re doing great. See it in levels. You’ve worked this level, time to step up to the next level. So you can look behind and see how far you’ve come and know that you’re working towards the next goal. It’s important to have goals. Sometimes it good practice to write down the next set of goals, short term steps to the ultimate goal which is being able to eat freely free from Ed thoughts and processes. Once those short term goals have been achieved, write down some more. Takes a long time, be kind and patient with yourself and recognise and pat yourself on the head for all the hard work you’ve put in. Sometimes without goals, we can lose sight of where we are going and get stuck at a certain point. Keep going, push through. Plateaus are part of the process and I know you recognise that. I hit walls along the way too, I think it’s a natural part of the healing process xx

[@harmonyhope1709]

Love your honesty and authenticity in this video. Talking about the fears and anxieties and also the benefits of recovery and being torn between the two. Keep going sweetheart ❤️

[@FoxiPie]

I genuinely am so grateful for your talks. I constantly feel like I’m not ‘sick enough’ because I’ve been sicker and I’ve said the same thing to people, that I feel like a broken record. I really relate to this. It’s so hard. I am sending so much love and support, we can do this

[@katieann9039]

You have come so far and you truly are an incredible person. An inspiration to many !! You can repeat the same thing over and over and that's ok because you are not a broken record..... you are making sure you are talking to yourself in a positive way and encouraging yourself to keep going in this incredible journey of recovery. Also please never say thankyou, people dont need to be thanked we are here to support and be there xx

[@luna_belle5029]

Listening to you sort through your thoughts aloud is helping me make sense of my own. The waffle about not looking ill enough helped my perspective about recovery. The disordered thoughts cause the behavior... recovery is about addressing the thoughts first, then the behaviors will change. Sometimes, illness isn't so visible from the outside and other times it is. Either way, we all deserve to recover.

[@maicohen5232]

Girl you’re doing so great. This is recovering it’s the hardest thing you can imagine and actually do but you’re doing this. It’s hard and slow but you can do this. And if you fail it’s ok! It’s not define who you are! But do not break because of it! The world is always about up and down. But I’m proud of you and believe in you. As someone who knows what recovery is I’m hearing these beautiful things from you and about to cry!!! You ❤️ are amazing!

[@lozoodle]

Elzani I find your channel so inspiring. I initially stumbled across it back when you first posted and you were seriously unwell saying how you needed to change or you would die. I haven't had anorexia but I have battled binge eating disorder for a long long time. Different disorder but you have the same horrible thought processes and mental battles. You've helped me more than you can imagine. one day at a time, you are doing amazing. even tiny little things are progress. they all add up. Keep on plugging away at it and try not to be hard on yourself. its a hard slog and you are doing a great job.

[@peapod9972]

You are so right! Same destructive thought process...the mental anguish is the same. I wish you the best, stay strong. By the way, your courageous for posting your struggle...give yourself credit!

[@peapod9972]

Hi Laren, I commented on your post but don't see it, maybe forgot to hit message and it came up on the comments. I just wanted to say that I agree that binge eating has the same destructive thought process...the mental anguish, shame and guilt is the same. You are courageous for posting. Stay strong, stay positive 😊

[@aijalynofasgard]

Your skin is looking so much more lively and radiant! You inspire me. I'm not as sickly as I was but recovery is just as much if not more about mental health as physical. For the first time I'm eating peanut butter, cereal and packaged foods. I eat stuff with added sugar. I eat more than one serving and dont restrict. I've made so much progress and it's all Glory to my Savior Jesus. He definitely gave me you as a partner in this journey. We're in this together and we will be victorious in Christ. I'm living for the first time in over a year. Keep going everyone

[@peapod9972]

Christ is the rock underneath our feet that holds us up in our fight against ED.

[@aijalynofasgard]

@@peapod9972 amen!

[@ellexx4129]

Recovery is step by step! Be patient, you've already reached a lot. Every step has its one sense and its difficulties. When you reached another phase, you look back and feel like "oh I thought I was recovered and my life was already a lot better" but you realize now your life is another 1000times better. So you can always look forward for good times. I think this makes recovery so amazing! Keep going, girl

[@Elena-pq8yp]

Have you thought of seeing a dietician? I think making a meal plan with a professional would really help to alleviate the anxiety around deciding what to eat and more importantly, to make sure you are having enough :))

[@mariehanger9935]

Dear elzani I‘m a thirteen year old girl from Austria 🇦🇹 and I‘m recovering from bulimia and anorexia and I‘m constantly afraid of gaining weight, because I‘m normal weight and never have been underweight. The worst thing is, that I think that I‘m not actually mentally ill and always told myself that I‘m not ill enough to be bulimic or anorexic, which is just so stupid. I‘m trying to tell myself, that i have to get mentally well and I shouldn’t care about weight, but about life and about my family and the people I love. You‘ve really inspired me and showed me that recovery is the best decision. I‘m so glad that I have discovered your Channel Keep on fighting and don‘t give up Kisses and love from Marie ❤️💕💞

[@mishaz1937]

honestly your videos are helping my recovery so much, currently finally honouring my hunger after at least 4 breakdowns…i won’t torture myself anymore! sending love

[@kirstiejoe5506]

You are truly and honestly the realist ED recovery channel. You keep it real, and your honesty is so refreshing. I think that's why we love and relate to you and your amazing family so much!

[@HollyGrace90]

You're not a failer at all. You've done brilliantly but it's reached a point in your recovery where you need more spread on your toast, adding butter under the spreads and trying not too mess about with your food too much while eating it. You should appreciate the fact you can eat what ever you desire because my digestive system doesn't work properly so there are things I long to eat which I just can't have because my body doesn't digest it properly. You can do it Elzani, you have it inside yourself and it has to come from you. This behaviour is just a learnt behaviour over time and you can crack it. Go on girl, just let yourself go and get stuck into eating, go all out 😘

[@Small_Rose]

Never tough I would be first comment but this video hit me a lot. I'm glad you put video about your journey ♡

[@annarebeckah]

i think shes made amazing progress but i feel shes using talking as an excuse to extend the time before she eats

[@jasmineraymond4933]

Anna Rebeckah doesn’t matter. She’s eating.

[@annarebeckah]

Jasmine Raymond i agree!

[@graysmom20051]

I can't get over how different your hair looks. It looks incredible

[@mymultiplelife]

You need professional help, like a therapist.. And instead of just wishing you could have certain things for snacks, just have them. You don't need permission from your ED to eat. If you want it, eat it!!!

[@jessami3692]

A trained psychologist can help you make sense of all the thoughts circling round and round in your head. There is no shame in talking to someone. They can help you to identify which thoughts are valid and which thoughts are irrational. I would definitely give some form of therapy, even group therapy in an outpatient setting another go xxx

[@user-wt5hm6qf6o]

I had anorexia and after two months in hospital very sick and my organs not functional I realized that I almost died I began to eat so much and I was bingeing but I don't regret it because I live now. Don't think you are becoming fat you will be healthy and you will live

[@Tnc874]

👎🏾👎🏾

[@suzannecrowe7775]

Darling girl~ please know that you are in the middle of a process. You push yourself, and that’s great, but don’t be hard on yourself!! Recognize what is working and what isn’t, and then just keep working hard . The negative self talk doesn’t help you get healthier, and the reality is that you ARE doing an amazing job! You have an extraordinary family, each of you is so interesting and unique ... immerse yourself in their love and your strength and just keep up the great work!! ♥️

[@hallefranklin2646]

Elzani your hair is thickening up nicely 🥰 It looks so much stronger and healthier than a year ago 💕💕😍

[@justinejulia6873]

a reminder to you and anyone who needs it that you CAN go all in to recovery and eat non stop to your cravings at ANY weight! Restoration is not the only reason to satiate your hunger no matter how big your hunger is or if you need to gain or not xxx

[@elenaashtari8255]

does not matter how you look Elzani! You deserve to follow your body, your body is telling you what it needs, listen to it please. You deserve to live a full like free from fear!

[@meatfromaldi]

Elzani!!! Your hair is looking amazing. Much thicker and shinier. 💖

[@Laura-et2xj]

Elzani-- what it means and looks like to put your all into recovery is going to change the more you recover. Future Elzani likely will be able to look back and see all the ways she could have done a better job recovering, but that doesn't mean that the Elzani in those past moments wasn't doing a good job. You've made so much progress, and yes there is more work to still be done, but it is okay to recognize that you are *now* ready to embrace recovery even more than past you was. And it is okay that past you wasn't able to fully embrace recovery... she got you to the next level of recovery and that is plenty well good enough I'd say.

[@irishnessie]

I wish my mom was as supportive in my recovery 😭

[@maenamoreau1523]

Same haha last week i cried because of an unplanned burger and my mom yelled at me because i was crying in public...worst experience

[@leahj1613]

just came over from instagram 🥰 cant wait to watch this, i KNOW itll be amazing!!! , omg that intro is so important, youre so inspiring and i hope you know that, what youre doing here on yt rn is amazing, like i cant even imagine how many young people youve helped, possibly even saved, including me, keep going Elzani you absolute saint 🙌🏻💕😘

[@emilylouise9392]

I haven’t watched one of your videos for a good couple of months and I have to say you look amazing! You’re getting more and more beautiful by the day! And you’re doing so welll fighting with those demons with your head! Even if it is challenging it’ll be worth it! Well done for sticking at it and please carry on for you and your family! You’ve got every bit of happiness coming to you x

[@timetogetmylifeback]

Maybe you could do "eating foods ive never tried for 24 hours" as a challenge 🖤

[@shelleyn2884]

Elzani you are doing well and 100% not failing. You are very intelligent and you've identified the things that are kind of holding you back some.....and you've identified what you need to do to remedy that. So go for it and follow through. You will be so happy you did. You deserve to have a full life not ruled by food rules etc. We support you and you are amazing. One day at a time you can make your dreams come true.

[@kasiakwiaton1807]

YOU GO GIRL! ❤️❤️❤️ My english skills are not perfect, but I must to tell you, that you're are my sunshine in the dark whiles in my life... I love your voice, your smile, motivation and kindness - you're my biggest inspiration, Baby! 😁 I love you soooo much and pray for you every day! World needs as lovely people as you! 😍 Kisses & hugs from Poland! 🐻

[@thealiceftw]

try to remember how your night snacks looked before. Like a whole chocolatebar etc. You need it!! xx

[@ximenasc7201]

“Life is amazing and you can eat whatever you want, whenever you want” I was skipping dinner and after you said that went to the kitchen with mom and DUCKING ATE! You’re such a motivation Elzani ♥️

[@thealiceftw]

a healthy bmi is where YOUR body strives - not a number set by society. People that claims to be "overweight" can in fact be "underweight" for their body. And Elzani, you are still REALLY skinny, it's just in your head. Keep on fighting ! xx

[@kikas666]

elzani u should do a video comparing what u used to eat/do at your worst and what ure doing now :) I think it would be a good thing for you to really realize how far you have come

[@RockEatandSleep]

It's frustrating to be in this spot - I am at a healthy weight and have been for nearly a year but that certainly doesn't have anything to do with my ED and I have to remember every day to keep pushing! It's easy to get attached to our bodies in recovery because it separates us from what's going on in our mind. I think you're being extremely hard on yourself but I really admire that you're able to continue pushing for more. I promise it'll get easier to just do whatever you want!

[@ellx.0953]

And I just feel you. This fear of having destroyed it because you aren't at your lowest and stuff...You aren't alone Elzani, we all understand and suport you! You can do this, stay strong💕

[@sianblackburn1999]

elzani i just want to say that your videos help me have a healthier mindset to food and life and i just want to thank you for making me understand that life isn't revolved around food. i also want to congratulate you on your progress and i wish you the best of luck xx

[@alanapalumbo3883]

Your hair is GORGEOUS xx ❤️

[@annaholm9704]

I watched this after not watching you for a while and I can finally see your beautiful personality shining through. It made me want to cry! Im so happy for you. Remember to be kind and patient with yourself💞💞💞💞

[@egypt4214]

You’ve grown so much! God bless you. And may he give you the strength to keep moving forward. You are so incredibly strong and you’ve come so far from your first video. So proud of you and I’m glad to follow your journey. God bless 💙

[@marije8562]

Thank you for this video. I recognize a lot of the behaviour and thinking patterns, but for me they didn't lead to an eating disorder but to a mental burnout and serious stress-related physical issues. The restricting; not feeling good enough; the procrastination before doing something that shouldn't stress you out but it still does... It's really interesting to me to see how different people struggle with similar things that show so differently outwardly. Anyway. You made me feel less alone today, thank you for that. Good luck to us both in recovery

[@hikakorc143]

you are doing so amazing, Elzani! You are the true warrior! but like the other people say, dont be too hard on yourself! It could lead to burnout... (I have one of them too...) your commitment to recovery is remarkable and I love watching you recovering and your life has been expanding more and more! As a Japanese, watching you enjoying katsu curry just makes me happy! And it is interesting how katsu curry is recreated in UK! Japanese katsu curry here in Japan is loads of curry (like curry ocean) are on the rice and katsu is on the top!

[@alyanderson2031]

i just watched a video from you a year ago and then i went to your channel and watched this video. you are so inspiring, you are doing so well and even though i’ve only seen two videos but i’m so proud.

[@jennalibra]

When jars are difficult to open, take a spoon and put it just under the lip of the top and push upwards, that will release the seal and you should then be able to open it with ease :)

[@julieannanderson2228]

I just watched your first video and wow you are incredible. Seeing you go from that to bubbly, energetic, and smiling is amazing.

[@tealdragonflys8243]

Hi Elzani you’re such an inspiration and I think you’re amazing! I was just wondering if you honestly eat like what you do on your what you eat in a day everyday or just for your what an eat in a day videos? Because I’m recovering and I know some days are harder than others but I was just wondering if you have been doing this daily or just some days? Thanks a lot for your honesty and videos they are so inspirational!

[@girlygirl701]

I'm proud of you Elzani. In my country no one really knows what an eating disorder is. But I'm recovering i went to psychiatrist but I wasn't in the right state of mind. But because of your videos and because of my God's blessings I am recovering. I'm challenging and pushing myself. Thnx alot

[@christinelouisebuhl8166]

I love watching your videos! I’ve been in recovery for 3 months and I still breakdown at every meal, and I doubt if I even want to recover. But I enjoy watching your videos and they help calm me down sometimes.

[@alkapralka6680]

you are so brave and so beautiful. remember that we all have ups and downs and it’s okay. you can cry, you can be angry at yourself, so just allow yourself to do it. it’s normal. you know how you should treat yourself and your body so just trust yourself. you will get better, WE will get better, cause I’m fighting with ed, too. xoxo, don’t give up honey ❤️

[@UnbelievableSophLove]

elzani girl, how would you feel about doing a video where your mum gets ti choose all your meals and snacks for a day where you have no control or inuput? i know it would be hard but i think it would be really benefical for your recovery! xxxx love you

[@eszterpapp5437]

LOVED LOVED LOVED THIS VIDEO!!! Incredibly thankful for you for sharing your struggles and being realistic!!!! More of this talking about your individual struggles kinda content would be appreciated really!!! Speaking your thoughts and put your fears into words helps a lot!! Not just to the person but for everybody else❤❤❤❤thank you girlie! Aand you're not rubbish!! And we love the deep content hahah😄 p.s.: your hair is flawless and soo shiny💫

[@mickya7457]

Do you speak in Iambic Pentameter or am I crazy?

[@SeokjinKim]

o yaa I don’t notice anymore I just got used to her speaking like this

[@Remy4300]

What’s that ?

[@kecrn4132]

micky a - what does that mean??

[@AngelicasRecovery]

What’s that

[@Remy4300]

Oh it’s a Rhythm used an old English poetry or something

[@erinobrien846]

you have improved so much! that is absolutely something to be proud of, but please please consider seeing a therapist, they can make this easier for you

[@peapod9972]

I soooo agree! Gaining weight is only part of recovery.

[@tessandarthur]

You're so inspiring to me! When I have a bad day and need motivation again, I just watch a video of yours and I'm already motivated! Thank you Elzani! Fighting xx

[@aristahenriot7450]

Try and not to be so hard on yourself. I am proud how far you have come. Keep on fighting and going forward xxxx

[@charlotteran7194]

You are so inspiring! You have full permission to eat whatever you want. You are doing amazing! There is no such thing as too much food in recovery. Think about what a 'normal' person would do. If they wanted dessert right after dinner, they would have it. If they wanted a snack, they would have it. I have a few questions about your journey? Did you ever have to stay at the hospital for your ed or go to inpatient? How long were you there for? What was your lowest weight? Are you currently experiencing extreme hunger? Did you lose your period? I'm looking forward to the video when you look back and say, 'I did it.' Thank you for everything. Also, your hair looks amazing! You are so beautiful!

[@Birdie-ls2pm]

I recovered in 2 months I’ve gained weight and went from 6.5 stone to 8.5! We see you are trying so hard and your trying new foods but you know that your not eating enough. If you want to eat eat eat you just should! That’s EXACTLY what I did and it was really hard in the beginning but when I started to eat whatever I wanted I was on a role xx

[@laurakate4489]

"Perfect" is subjective. What one person thinks is perfect another might think is average. Theres no such thing as "perfect" but you're doing a great job, keep going! 💜

[@abell5028]

I loved this video This was different to the others I don’t know what it was but I really enjoyed it Your hair is looking so amazing and your skin is glowing Keep going xxx

[@4NSWERTHEC4LL]

I’m recovering too, I’ve been fighting for 6 months, I’m really scared to gain weight so much but I know it’s necessary if I want my period back and also my life, since I start my recovery I gained 13 pounds, like 7 kilos, and my stupid head tells me that it’s enough, but my period it’s not back so I’m not recovered, my dietician say that i need to gain 7 more pounds, but I’m so scared to gain so much and be fat, so stupid I know, I’m scared to increase so your videos really helps me.

[@SeokjinKim]

❤️

[@mialou2020]

Your hair is coming back so much thicker and healthier!!

[@lilyduke669]

If you watch your very first video then watch this one, you will see just how far you've come. Keep going, don't stop until your finally free of this horrible illness.

[@leahbailey7135]

No way!!! The cereal thing is exactly what I did when I was recovering, I couldn’t see the amount I was eating out of the box which made it a little less scary, doesn’t make sense I know x

[@annaarmon7885]

you look so amazing and beautiful!! I am loving seeing your recovery!

[@ottaviazwillenberg3168]

OMG I have been wanting to try Deliciously Ella’s granola for YEARS. I always put it off. This is the sign I needed. Thank you Elzani.