What is a small parenting mistake that will mess up your child later in life?

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[@DragoSonicMile]

Some of these aren't "seemingly harmless". They seem more like child abuse.

[@gloriascientiae7435]

YUH I come from a bad childhood and mental abuse is a very real thing. Also was abused at school so after school, which was hell, I would come home, whihc was hell. hmmmm... yeah never underestimate the effects of a bad childhood. I am 30 now and the struggle is still real. It's really hard to think of a future like building a family and so on, if it's sill an issue letting people in, or you know, not fall into a depression/addiction/possibly suicide. yuh. Keep your children safe. I've seen enough of hell.

[@holyfool343]

The problem is, IMHO, that many of these are practices that are, or were in the recent past, nearly ubiquitous. It’s hard even now to find parents who don’t feign knowledge when asked questions by their kids, or try to appear authoritative by justifying their mistakes, in the fear that their kids won’t respect them.

[@Star-14.7]

They are seen as "harmless" by adults. I talked to my aunt about an abusive parental relationship on reddit and they said "It's not that bad. That's normal, you should know what grandpa did. And I turned out fine."

[@Danielathan]

The reason why they are "seemingly harmless" is because they have become so widespread and/or accepted in the past that people are just now starting to think about the consequences of these behaviors.

[@jem420_19]

it all is but some of it i just the parents being dicks while out knowing it or not knowing that something that seem so insignificant is much much bigger for a child growth but yea some of it is stright up child abuse that you can't say oh they didn't know/realizes because common sense says its fucking child abuse no ifs ands or buts it's fucking abuse

[@qeshetanimals]

The first story is my grandmother. She thinks it’s funny I’ve told her SEVERAL times to stop. So I don’t talk to her.

[@MaxwellCatAlphonk]

Ahw

[@sparklepugtea]

Same here

[@Breadknees_]

Same.

[@AmeliaEarhart53756]

I'm autistic and my father's always being silly even to the point of me crying because he won't stop, it's awful.

[@QuietScoutYP]

This is my dad 😅 He’s a very nice man but can’t seem to ever take anything seriously

[@suchendelokidottir5673]

For the love of everything good in the world, DON'T CALL YOURSELF UGLY IN FRONT OF THE CHILD WHO LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU.

[@1bootliz]

Ooo that's an excellent point. I inherited a lot of my self-consciousness about my body from my mom's struggles with the same thing.

[@suchendelokidottir5673]

@@1bootliz so did i.

[@rusteddenial453]

Alot of these are just people being soft like this one

[@suchendelokidottir5673]

@@rusteddenial453 imagine spending your whole life k owing your mother thinks you are ugly. "A face only a mother could love"? Even my mother doesn't love my face.

[@thefourthdymensionmusic]

i think a lot of people with low self esteem or who look at themselves through a negative lens fail to realize just how much their feelings towards themselves affect the people around them.

[@amethyst42]

Telling your child that their feelings are wrong. Never investigating *why* a child feels the way they do. It took a f***ton of therapy, and I'm better, but I still suffer.

[@jorgefreitas5983]

Same here .I feel your pain, man.

[@Person-gm3yy]

I feel that, and good luck on your journeys. I had similar experiences, and now that I’ve been around that, I do the same thing. I’m trying to better now, but I always feel so guilty when I do it. I hope anyone else experiencing this can heal and make sure not to take on those same habits before it is too late and it becomes hard to reverse them

[@hahayuck2169]

"Why are you feeling this way when I have it worse?, be grateful for what you have now" Ok so i am never opening up to you again, thanks

[@LysolMyFace]

Its a depressingly funny thing when I tell people I realised I am allowed to have emotions and reactions that align with those emotions. I realised its not that people need to never use an aggressive or annoyed tone with me, but that I am allowed to respond to that tone with an annoyed tone of my own. I went on such a rollercoaster trying to police my family on their speech bc they took such big issues with my reactions to their speech. But I realised that I just wanted to be allowed to use a tone or ‘backtalk’ or have a difference in opinion without being screamed at for it.

[@pinkpugginz]

My stepdad would scream at me for crying when I was 3-4 years old. "YOU CANT GO 1 F CKIN DAY WITHOUT CRYING". . It took years for me to re learn how to cry.

[@ItsAllPainNoGain]

My parents actively discouraged my interest as it inconvenienced them. As a kid I was super into robotics and tech. I would rant about early a.i. and how self driving cars were so close to being real and currency would soon be digital, I was super into it. My middle school finally offered a robotics program but it was at a university and I had to show up on weekends at 5 a.m. to catch a bus. By the 3rd class my parents were fed up with driving me to school and belittled me on the drive back home. They called me dumb and that everything I talked about was just sci-fi and would never be real. I gave up on my dreams and followed a different path instead. Years later during a family dinner my dad joked that I could've been filthy rich if only I had "stuck with it and didn't quit when studying got hard". My mom then said "why did you quit? I thought you loved that nerdy stuff?" I blew up on them and blamed them for my career change. After I blew up, my sister then also yelled at them because apparently they had done something similar to her when she tried moving away to a different state for college. I think both of my parents are narcissists.

[@ZomboidMania]

Man screw your parents, I know what it's like to have parents who don't support you and we don't need them, we can go and do whatever we want, they don't even have to be our parents, I hardly consider my dad..my dad, he's just the guy I unfortunately live with, anyways I hope things turn out good for you, and I'm sorry you couldn't follow your dreams

[@MollyHJohns]

Wow really asshole of them. Seriously. Dude but it's never too late to pursue what you originally love. If still being in contact with them gonna hinder you for life better not KIC and move away? Same with your sister. Why put up with monster parents if they're always gonna be your living breathing trauma for life? Hope you two can fight for your own happiness and find a way to make them realise how they'd messed up big time. All the best to you and your sister.

[@the_expidition427]

@@MollyHJohns The problem is that this never was about specificly passion it's never that rigid it's about what people do for a living. It's about the money the medium of exchange sure it's able to be done except unless an alternate motivation can be built or the original one restored the motivation would end up being haphazardly bleh, mediocre, and weak.

[@MollyHJohns]

@@the_expidition427 either way... the 'parents' didn't need to do what they did to OP and sister just to stop their childhood passion for whatever 'adult' reasons only they knew at the time. It's rare for kids to be very conscious and passionate about something early, moreso when they're so good at it. This pair of siblings clearly were brilliant and had shown clear potential. If you as a parent/guardian must stop that because of your own limitations or different views, you have to reason and at least guide them in a way that don't destroy their growth at that crucial moment. Kids aren't stupid but they just know a bit less than you, but you also know no more than the next person. If you condescent them for 'dreaming' at that age where they're supposed to develop their mind, you're ultimately going to hinder their future. They own their own future, not you, so why should you stop them from developing their passion into serious business that only they can handle, meanwhile you are already stuck in your own choices? If you can't help them, don't hinder them, but find a middle ground to help them realise their dream over time. It doesn't matter if it won't work later, but at least they will grow up with no damaged mentality because of you.

[@IWontBuy-RP]

​@@MollyHJohnsIt does, skills like such are honed at an early age. Thinking about advancements and understanding them starts at a young age. The fact he knew about those things wouldve set him up for NOW and life only lasts so long, chances only are there for a moment. My parents did the same with piano playing, I remember visiting one of my parents friends to watch the house. They had an electronic piano and I was sitting behind there every day for about an hour composing little wannabe songs. They didnt acknowledge it. My older brother sat behind it once, pressed a button to automatically play a song and he riffed over it poorly. My parents all the sudden were awestruck! He was given piano lessens for literal years, a piano and I told myself everything revolving around music, instruments, dance and art was gay. My parents wanted to see me play soccer, be a boxer etc. Que 14 years later and I wanted to study music, worst thing I possibly couldve done at that stage in life. The chance had already flown over, ungraspable because of my parents incompetence. When I wanted to apply for a university of music they said "you might have too little experience", yeah I wonder why.. It's sometimes, too late.

[@LordMondegrene]

Not using birth control to prevent kids you can't feed, clothe, or house is the first mistake you can make.

[@bbdrgn]

This opinion aligns with eugenics that suggest poor people shouldnt breed so they die out x

[@noahdaanimalguy7673]

@@bbdrgnthis opinion is not saying that, this opinion is stating that if your child is going to starve, get a heat stroke or hypothermia, and have no place to call home it most likely would not be beneficial for the child to have it

[@Flutistno3]

This would be true if birth control were free and universally offered, which it isn't. I'm not defending any behavior or condemning birth control, as I had one kid and got him to be 19 years old safely while eating, but it isn't just that easy for everyone.

[@abbymurdock1685]

That would be true, but I got pregnant on birth control. Lol it’s not a “hey I’m on the pill I can’t get pregnant!” Thing. It’s a medicine and it can fail. And sometimes it does. And that’s how I became a mom

[@Jinadaz]

Well 10 bilion population is coming and every cute little angel will turn to devil with enough people in a single square meters

[@umanireginten-rinyurou3842]

Asking a kid why they aren't happy when they don't smile and not understanding that just because someone isn't smiling doesn't mean that they are sad. This could either teach them that they need to smile constantly on a daily basis or make them feel like they should constantly *be happy* even though it's impossible.

[@rinpaisys]

Oof and god forbid that is said to an ASD kid with flat affect and limited expressions. Similarly, insisting on eye contact or insisting a kid lets people hug them even if they aren’t comfortable with it.

[@silverthehero1295]

Right? Smiling all the time will make you look either like a goofball or really creepy.

[@blindelectron]

Completely agree with this one, if I’m not grinning my face off, I get, are you OK, what’s going on, it’s the most annoying thing in the world, and for a while, made me very nervous to even look directly at my parents. this, at least, in my experience is a result of the fact that when I was younger, I used to smile a lot, I don’t as much anymore, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m a sad person.

[@user-qz2nb8sv1z]

@@silverthehero1295 youre never fully dressed without a smileee

[@moonlight.-.6890]

YES I get told this all the time and it only has the opposite effect

[@uwu-iw7lo]

comparing your child to yourself/yourself to your parents. growing up autistic i said a lot of things i didn’t realize were rude, and my mom would be upset and sometimes say something like, “if i said that, my mom would have slapped me across the face.” “you can’t even imagine what my mother would do to me for that.” gave me a huge guilt complex & a genuine desire that my parents would hit me so i could get what i deserved

[@florawolfskill1027]

Hey I’m sure you may have been told this before but no one and I mean NO ONE deserves to be hit for any kind of mistakes there’s always going to be some other way to go about dealing with mistakes outside of hitting, screaming, or violence, and there’s very few times when such things may be warranted in any situation at all

[@Tobertobee]

My mom did that too with my dad however with how she’s put her mom, I see a LOT of similarities between her and her mom

[@Ghost-bp7zt]

I can sort of relate,my mum used to do that when she felt powerless in an argument with me .Parents should not do such a horrible thing to a child, because that guilt complex can affect us badly in the future .

[@GermanyIsNotReal]

As someone on the autism spectrum, I can relate to saying rude things I didn't mean. But just telling me that what I said is "bad" without explaining why at all.. doesn't help. Parents should correct behaviour while explaining why it is a bad behaviour. With autism, social cues simply do not come naturally, and have to be explained. Thank god I learned them myself, otherwise I would not be as social as I am today.

[@songbirdsystem1465]

This except she’d still hit me but say it could’ve been worse (despite me having bruises, a bloody nose, and severe ptsd ahahaha)

[@retr0robbin]

Dads saying they’re going to beat or be aggressive to any boyfriend their daughter will have. It took me months to tell my dad I had a boyfriend because I was scared he would be beaten.

[@filipe.sm31]

That's honestly so bad. I can't imagine being afraid of violence for that. My parents would only ask me "any girlfriends?" and that was it. They never helped me to create social skills, never took me to parties, never allowed me to have sleepovers. I only went to catholic school, home and family gatherings. HOW a shy kid would have a girlfriend living that way, Dad??

[@grenade8572]

​@@filipe.sm31I've never been able to make friends. At my first year of school, the teacherwarned my parents that, after MONTHES, I still had no friends. Mom replied that I'll have some when I'll be ready. She then get fooled, thinking the problem was gone, when I started to have froends. But the fact is I never learned how to be friend: I just had one nice classmate who introduced me to the group, and that's how I had friends. When primary school was over, I lost all the friends I pade thanks to that classmate, and, since (I'm in my 30s), I never had friends again. My parents were proud of me to ve focused onmy studies, even if I just studied the bareminimum to pass my exams... So, I don't even know if my parents would have me allowed are sleepovers, even if I suspect they wouldn't, to "protect" me. But they made me hate family events, so my very few of socialinteractions, because they made it so stressful for me. I never enjoyed dressing up, etc., because all of this was kind of punishment for me (I had to look better than the orher cuidren/teens, I had to act lady-like, etc.). Now, I'm in mtmy 30s and, after years of being proud of me focused on my studies instead than having boyfriends, mom is worried that I'm still single. But how could I have a boyfriend, if I'm unable to have friends? Mom wants I go outside to dance, but where and with who? I don't say all of this in my parents' fault. Something my be weong with me. But they never niticed my lack of friends was a problem, therefore never adressed it. PS: I did various sports outside school since my childhood, but never managed to have friends.

[@hypercrow9563]

It's so normalized that i was like "how did i not see that coming?" In any other context it would be easy to understand the implications but somehow i guess father-in-law aggression became a blindspot in my mind.

[@etsap1236]

I've heard that one before but usually the tone is lighthearted and ends with laughing. Did your dad ever actually do that to someone?

[@AnnekeOosterink]

@@etsap1236 The point is that threatening violence to anyone is a GIANT red flag, but haha it was only a joke haha. It also tells the daughter (because that's the dynamic here dads say that about their daughter's partners, never their son's) that her autonomy doesn't matter, that her father has the final say over her life and bodily autonomy (because let's be real, this is about sex). Abuse doesn't become funny suddenly when people say they meant it as a joke.

[@EH-dw3wb]

Being emotionally unavailable and emotionally not present. Life might be busy but not emotionally connecting with your kid is a great way to give them a whole bunch of issues later

[@Wally535]

Described my mother perfectly.

[@angelpandadaylane4924]

Eh-dw… relatable here too.

[@matheussanthiago9685]

I got the short end of the stick both ways in that regard My mother was overbearing, my father emotional neglectful One'd think they'd cancel each other out They do not

[@Ghost-bp7zt]

True for me ,my mom almost never made the effort to even understand me emotionally and I was the one understanding her .Also my dad was practically never there emotionally .I got over that of course ,but I agree with the fact it creates a bunch of issues .

[@hiabst]

@@matheussanthiago9685same, now im as emotional as a rock thanks to my dad, and never learned anything as my mom did everything for me even if i told her not to

[@MasterBuilderDragon]

I’m absolutely terrified of communication. My mother took everything personally and basically taught me to expect nothing but gaslighting, denial, anger, etc. I’m just so terrified people will freak out that I keep things bottled up. I was taught it was easier to keep your negative feelings in. Luckily I’ve realized this and I’m working towards getting better.

[@beccas.7762]

You and me both, fellow human.

[@WynneL]

@@beccas.7762 I recommend the channel "Jimmy on Relationships." He talks about what's healthy, like cultivating and seeking emotional safety. Also recommend the Crappy Childhood Fairy, who talks a lot about the effects childhood CPTSD. Both channels have been really helpful for me (I have AvPD, CPTSD, and regular PTSD.)

[@noahdaanimalguy7673]

Same here, I am showing signs of depression, not really eating anything other than junk food, and feeling suici*al but I’m to scared to tell anyone in my family including the ones I trust because of my mom, I’m just to scared they would tell her and I would be getting In Trouble for not telling her first even though I would have gotten in trouble and be told it was just anxiety if I did tell her first

[@MasterBuilderDragon]

@@noahdaanimalguy7673 I’m so sorry. I know how that feels. I’ll be praying for you.

[@-Nibbles-]

I’m sorry, it’s great to hear you’re improving. Be kind to yourself and take it easy

[@mugglecatful]

Put the child through the social trauma of medical testing...and don't treat whatever comes out it. After years of struggling at an early age, I was finally told I have depression. And that's where the support ended. No therapy, no medication, no lifestyle changes. Mom just kinda forgot it happened and life moved on. Thankfully her neglect of my issues wasn't a new thing and I powered through til I could take care of myself as usual. Now she has depression and I'm supposed to sympathize while she gets family support, therapy, medication, the whole shebang. Yeah, that's not gonna happen. 😂

[@jaebyrd4608]

Same thing happened to me. After years of complaining about my inability to structure sentences or tell left from right, I was finally diagnosed with dyslexia but since I am also gifted and was reading on a high school level in elementary, the collective decision was I didn’t need help because I was smart enough and must have been “playing dumb”

[@Hopefulwatermelon]

Same thing happened to me after my autism diagnosis. When I got diagnosed at 15 after years of "what's wrong with me?", I cried and told my parents " I don't want you guys to treat me differently". Looking back I know I said it due to fear of change, fear of being othered and infantilised (ended up happening with peers and a few teachers) and internalized ableism, BUT my parents took it as "don't ever talk about my autism and don't educate yourselves so you don't judge me and can understand what's going on with me when I have meltdowns, shutdowns, executive dysfunction, sensory overload or burnout". My mom even told me "maybe you have some mild autism, but you'll grow out of it!". Five years later, everything I've learned about dealing with autism comes from the internet or from being lucky enough to find good autistic friends, and I still hide my struggles from my parents until I'm at my breaking point because they either react with annoyance, "get yourself together, you're an adult!" or "just do XYZ it's not that hard".

[@jaebyrd4608]

@@Hopefulwatermelon I understood completely I have a cognitive processing disorder (my psychiatrist way of saying I have autistic traits but she can’t give a diagnosis) and my parents told me they didn’t mention any of my diagnosis because they didn’t want people to think I’m stupid and put me in special Ed or treat me differently. Because of them I was afraid to seek help for a long time and sadly when I decided to seek help while in law school they still held the same beliefs and tried to dissuade me saying I made it this far obviously I’m not dumb so I should just “buckle down and do the work”

[@-Yosei-]

9:19 my dad is the same, he said he would rather me party than play xbox, he would lecture me that I am wasting my life. When I was just having fun in my own way. He also hated the fact that I was getting married and that now he would be the #1 man that my husband is.

[@Ihatetravelling]

I'd be like you deserve it anyway! goodbye 😂And then I'd play black pink"Ha,how u like that?"😂 Don't waste a second of your life on her if she always belittled your situation when you were in the same shoes and didn't give a crap abt it. Gove her the same treatment

[@tanyapoe5490]

Not my mom but my grandmother, used to hit us then tells us to stop crying or she'd "give us a reason to cry".

[@lunieahexx6043]

that is my fathers favorite thing to say when we were upset about something or "why are you crying you have nothing to cry about."

[@xTIYx]

That. My mom also made the weird choice of MOCKING me for crying in pain.

[@Deedlanger]

That’s to toughen you up. You do not know the struggles of their time to understand them

[@tanyapoe5490]

@@Deedlanger uh no that was my grandmother being an abusive wench. Raising a kid to "be tough" doesn't involve closed fists and anything that could be used as a weapon.

[@peacefulchaos333]

​@@Deedlangerthis mindset is another parenting mistake

[@waywardwriterryu7185]

refusing to take the blame when you are the one in the wrong, some parents act as if being a parent automatically gives you all the answers in the universe, it doesn't, in the end refusing to own up to mistakes you make and let it be apparent that you are fallible as an adult will teach your kid if they don't realize it on their own that they are allowed to do the same thing to their kid. a lot of the issues in this video become self fulfilling prophecies/a cycle that perpetuates till the next generation realizes "wait, this isn't how its supposed to work"

[@ebel-mt2dm]

Alternatively if 5thus doesnt create a ripple where the kid repeats thier actions , theyre going to have an EXTREME problem with authority. Constantly having to eat proof that your parents lack maturity and refuse to educate themselves on certain topics when youre like 11 makes you really see the flaws in people in power and adults early. As that kid i wont say i have regrets about it but I WAS a huge asshole because of it.

[@thefourthdymensionmusic]

@@ebel-mt2dm my dad is the kind of person to try to glorify himself. narcissist to the max. really caused me to have problems with trusting anyone who holds power over other people, unless i can see good and logic in them.

[@platzpropeller858]

transgeneretanioal transmission of complex trauma, you can't outrun it, it will persist through generations, until someone finally seeks treatment

[@101jir]

Alternatively it convinces them that you are a loose cannon to watch their mouth around and stealthily destroys the connection. They will act like they respect you / listen to you, but they will never take anything you say to heart again

[@Ghost-bp7zt]

Yes ,like becoming a parent makes them an all knowing creature ,who can never make mistakes ,is always right and always knows better than you. But in this so far from reality.

[@barbecuedsimsbaby]

Not teaching them consent in any way shape or form, not just sexual consent, I'm now a victim of SA and don't know how to say no when people cross my boundaries. :(

[@grenade8572]

My biggest fear, because I never learned to set up boundaries. :(

[@RealAlbertFingernoodle]

what happened? I completely understand if you dont want to answer

[@barbecuedsimsbaby]

@@RealAlbertFingernoodle Well, you can probably guess.

[@RealAlbertFingernoodle]

@@barbecuedsimsbaby your right but i meant like how did u get sa

[@barbecuedsimsbaby]

@@RealAlbertFingernoodle Well what do you want me to say? How it happened? Where i was touched? How violent it was?

[@sirdiealott]

That first one hits hard. My mom wonders why I never tell her anything.

[@Daesma999]

same here

[@sleepsmoker]

Saying "get back up on the horse" I am still afraid of trying anything new, since I might fail. Because my mother would scream at me to "get back up on the horse" If I failed. It did not matter if I was just a little kid who had fallen off my bike into a deep bush full of thorns and I was crying and in pain, I Failed, so. "GET BACK UP ON THE HORSE! NOW!!" So please, praise the attempt, not the result.

[@jaebyrd4608]

As someone who is neurodivergent acknowledging the attempt is something my parents failed to do for so long that when I actually started to succeed I never included them in the success because I assumed it would be brushed off in the same my attempts were brushed off. To me trying something was a big thing often bigger than the result since they didn’t seem to care I just stopped mentioning it whether it was a school solo or getting an almost perfect score on my state test they were in the dark to all of it until I became an adult and we were able to mend things

[@Danielathan]

@@jaebyrd4608 I also struggle with this. I have imposter syndrome stemming from my autistic ADHD, and I'll beat myself up over the fact that I "never finish anything," and I haven't learned to value the attempt, only the completion (and then to top that off, I have a bad type of perfectionism, and I often won't feel satisfied with the outcome because it isn't the full, grand masterpiece that I wanted). I fell into depression and adopted the mindset that "it's not worth trying" and just gave up on all of my passions because I felt it was hopeless, which held me in that depression. For a while, my parents would criticize me for it, which is probably what caused me to develop that mindset anyways (that and I had no friends at all, so they were the only support I had, aside from my siblings), but now they've switched to telling me that it's not the end of the world if my attempts are unsuccessful and that they'll support me regardless of what happens, which has given me a bit of whiplash, but I'm grateful. As they and I have learned more about how our ADHD affects us, and as we've all matured from our experiences, we've started to learn better ways of handling these problems, including how to get to the root of the issue and not just attack the symptoms. Understanding my problems has given me hope, and I've started to recover from a lot of what has been bothering me for a long time, and now I can see that I've been making a ton of progress over the years that my imposter syndrome wouldn't let me see before.

[@tessiepinkman]

@@Danielathan That was genuinly wonderful to read! I'm so happy that you're doing better and that you can see that you've done a lot of progress! It sounds like you have done a friggin' fantastic job. It's tough to work these things out, by yourself. It's tough as hell to figure out with professional help, so I'm incredibly impressed by you. Great work! I have only now as an adult managed to "forgive" my mother for constantly making me feel inferior to my friends or her friends kids and what they achieved. She never, ever meant to make me feel that way, she's a fantastic woman and mother. But she was always *so* proud over all my friends achievements and the achievements of everybody, really. It was never only about just doing good in school or in a dance show or on the football pitch (soccer for Americans), it was also if someone had struggled with depression or had been dumped by a boyfriend and had *finally* been starting to feel better. She celebrated emotional growth a lot too. She was everyones biggest cheerleader! Well, she still *is* everyone's biggest cheerleader. She even bought some of them presents a few times as a "Great job, congratulations!"-thing. And, me already having low self-esteem as a kid and teen, I just felt like I could never measure up. And that's not because she didn't give me praise, love, help and was even more proud of anything that I achieved, because she absolutely did all of that. It was more something I internalized and it grew into even worse self-doubt and me always comparing myself to *everyone* around me, but feeling like I don't measure up to anybody, ever. I realise that it isn't fair that I *ever* blamed my mum for this, because she didn't do anything wrong and really doesn't have anything to be forgiven for. But I blamed her for sooo many years because I wasn't able to face myself, I was terrified of facing myself, so it was easier to take it out on her. I didn't take it out on her in any way that she *knows* of, I only blamed her in my own mind and at first it was completely subconsciously. I've been diagnosed with depression since I was 14 and I have managed to "collect" a lot of other diagnoses now as an adult (Achievement unlocked! hahahaha. _sorry, i have a baaad sense of humor_), but the depression never really leaves. I can have a period where I feel pretty good now and then, but for the most part I'm just managing. I've learned a lot of tactics during the years to handle "life" with my problems. I've also been starting to train myself to give myself praise for the small things I achieve in my day to day life, just to start somewhere, because I really need to build some self-esteem. Aaanyway, sorry for the rant. I'm just gonna tell you again that you're doing a great job and you seem to be on the right track. Or rather, both you and your parents seem to be on the right track, and that's just fantastic. Have a wonderful day and week!

[@Danielathan]

@@tessiepinkman Wow. I feel like our stories are amazingly similar. My mother is an amazing woman who did everything in her power to help me, basically sacrificed her life for me. Most of my childhood mental injuries were either caused by my own stubbernness, underlying issues that neither I nor she understood, or by others outside my family. She is my biggest cheerleader and loves me as much as a mother could ever love her son. I've found that most of my woes are caused by my ADHD and autism. It caused my "behavioral issues", caused me to be segregated from society, and even allowed me to be a gifted kid, so I struggled with the issue of not learning how to actually develop skills, good learning habits, routines, and healthy coping mechanisms. I feel like I'm just now starting to learn how to live and be human now that I'm out of college. I always knew that my parents were doing the best that they knew how to do, so I didn't consciously blame them, either; though, I did subconsciously at times, just as you did. Mainly, I blamed the world for being so far inferior to my "amazing intellect, tallents, and morals" that they couldn't comprehend how great of a person I was and thus actively chose to not make meaningful connections with me out of jealously and stupidity. Obviously, that's not the actual reason that I couldn't make friends, nor is it a healthy or realistic attitude to have about society. I still struggle greatly with all of this, but now I and my family have the understanding we need to handle it, and I've made actual friends who understand me, relate to me, and can help me, and it feels so great!

[@hollalaland]

Yeah honestly. My mothers version of this was "you can do hard things." Great message on its own but where it was selectively used made it a kick-you-while-you're-down kind of situation. Never helped and now i hate any sentence that remotely reminds me of it

[@widowkeeper4739]

Insisting your child stick with things that are not working for them because you spent money on it. Sometimes your child is going to beg you to buy them something and then almost immediately find out afterwards that it doesn't suit them. This is a very normal thing people encounter in life, but as a child, I felt punished for it. My mother forced me to wear clothes that didn't work for me, eat things I didn't like because she paid for it, and forced me to stick with activities that had unsafe people in them because she paid for them. It lead to a lot of bullying and feeling like I was a burden. It quickly made me never want to try anything in case I messed up and my parents got mad at me about wasting money.

[@MatrixRefugee]

Story 16: CPS and/or some kind of family counsellor need to be involved, otherwise, that poor little boy isn't going to be able to function properly on a biological level.

[@chaosHmmm]

This is how I was taught to brush my teeth by my father as a 4 year old. Spoiler alert no it didn’t work if anything it achieved the exact opposite outcome. No one came to help me as a child and I have severe issues as an adult now. No one gives a fuck about me and I’ve come to accept this. Turns out I was diagnosed with ADHD and Autism as an adult and my refusal to brush my teeth was largely due to sensory issues that I tried to communicate as a child but was met with explosive anger, yelling in my face and forceful spanking that would leave handprints and welts on me. Because how dare I not just do as he commands. I don’t talk to my dad much about any issues I have now but thankfully he is too old and weak to physically abuse me now and should I choose to return the favour I could easily be violent with him. I’m better than that and choose not to though. I use humour to cope with it now. So what did we learn? You can’t beat the undiagnosed ADHD or Autism out of a kid but you can beat the PTSD, anxiety and depression into them 😂😂😢.

[@platzpropeller858]

​@chaosHmmm you really are better than him ❤ you should seek trauma therapy if possible, this sounds a lot like c-ptsd getting diagnosed with ADHD isn't uncommon for survivor's of complex trauma due to the atrophy of the prefrontal cortex and even the autism might be a misdiagnosis here a citation from the Wikipedia article about complex post traumatic stress disorder: Repeated traumatization during childhood leads to symptoms that differ from those described for PTSD. Cook and others describe symptoms and behavioral characteristics in seven domains: Attachment - "problems with relationship boundaries, lack of trust, social isolation, difficulty perceiving and responding to others' emotional states" Biomedical symptoms - sensory-motor developmental dysfunction, sensory-integration difficulties; increased medical problems or even somatization Affect or emotional regulation - "poor affect regulation, difficulty identifying and expressing emotions and internal states, and difficulties communicating needs, wants, and wishes" Elements of dissociation - "amnesia, depersonalization, discrete states of consciousness with discrete memories, affect, and functioning, and impaired memory for state-based events" Behavioral control - "problems with impulse control, aggression, pathological self-soothing, and sleep problems" Cognition - "difficulty regulating attention; problems with a variety of 'executive functions' such as planning, judgment, initiation, use of materials, and self-monitoring; difficulty processing new information; difficulty focusing and completing tasks; poor object constancy; problems with 'cause-effect' thinking; and language developmental problems such as a gap between receptive and expressive communication abilities." Self-concept - "fragmented and disconnected autobiographical narrative, disturbed body image, low self-esteem, excessive shame, and negative internal working models of self".

[@platzpropeller858]

​@@chaosHmmmautism isn't treatable, but c-ptsd is you don't have to go through this any longer, we have to treat our selves well to prove them wrong we are worth a lot more than they think

[@Moon_x_sun]

Dont point out if theyre fatter than others or eating alot. Just let them theyre growing anyway

[@ninjablade2]

OR, instead of saying something like that, DO something; preferably with them that promotes the healthy life style you want for them (walking pets, going to the park, running/playing/any sport, etc etc) If you make it something they will enjoy doing you can influence your kids positively towards something without causing some mental disorder

[@vinzo0913]

I wasn't fat as a child but I had a healthy appetite. My stepfather used to constantly call me lard-ass, fatso, stupid nicknames like captain obesity. I still suffer from body dysmorphia and I'm 30 now

[@hypercrow9563]

You need to point it out if it gets too much though.

[@rainpooper7088]

@hypercrow9563 And what exactly does that do? Is it gonna make the child cook healthier meals or drive themselves to exercise programs? Seriously, what's the child supposed do about it other than freak out? It's up to the parents to make sure their children eat healthy and get enough exercise, if "it gets too much", you as the parent have failed and you have no right to make your child feel like they are the problem for being the result of your own damn negligence.

[@miproduction6196]

@@ninjablade2THIS. OP: Don’t just sit back and ‘let them figure it out’ being negligent to implanting positive influences upon them

[@FractalParadox]

"Babying" your child. You shouldn't treat children as adults, but you also SHOULD NEVER avoid giving your child responsibilities, NEVER avoid explaining "adult" topics with the "you will know when you are older" line, NEVER avoid giving your child knowledge they need to be safe and function properly for the sake of "keeping their innocence". I've met way too many parents that will refuse to talk about sex or explain _why_ "stranger danger" is a thing, but then would let their child watch gory and violent movies waay too early. be smart about it. you obviously should tailor your explanation to their age, and talk to them at a level they will understand and relate, or maybe just slightly above that. never refuse explaining something, or shield your kid from the consequences of their actions, or let them online unattended, or give them a phone at age 4. know that if your child is curious about something, they will ask you. and if you shut them down, they will ask other people. or ask google. or try dangerous things by themselves in order to find out. being strict and getting mad at them for bringing up their worries or doubts is even worse. it will be hard, but you will find a way to get trough it if you keep an actual open channel between you and your kid. if you make fun of them, or get mad at them, or refuse to answer, guess what: they most certainly will not tell you any of their real worries and serious screw-ups. if you find out at all, it will be after the damage is already done, or in a conversation years later when they grow up.

[@NightTheGlitch]

more people REALLY need to talk about this!

[@FractalParadox]

@@NightTheGlitch yes, this bugs me to no end when I see people using a different puppy voice for like a 5 year old child. Or dismissing a child's perspective just because they are children. you should consider their point, and then give a reasonable answer. if the answer involves something too complex, you try your best to break it down. but you don't just shrug it off and dismiss it. you don't treat any of their concerns as stupid or funny. you don't toy with their feelings.

[@NightTheGlitch]

@@FractalParadox it reminds me of the people who say "Children should be seen not heard" idk if its just me but that mindset seems very harmful.

[@Tobertobee]

I more than agree because that is my mom and how she raised me. I had unmonitored access to the internet and oh boy the shit I got into at under 13 may give a sweet grandmother who gives cookies a heart attack At 18 I was okay to watch JOKER (R movie) which I have a phobia of blood (makes me hella nauseous) but GOD FORBID I watch game of thrones because of the sex scene all because sex makes me uncomfortable, fictional sex and animated blood is not real and I can watch with no problems.

[@RealAlbertFingernoodle]

I've never understood the types of parents who go out of their way to preserve their children's innocence for as long as possible. I get that they don't want their children to face the cruelties of the real world, but they are eventually going to find, one way or another, and sheltering their child isn't going to help. It's FAR better to educate your kids about adult topics and topics that are distressing/heavy, rather than avoiding the topics or even shaming them for their natural curiosity of such topics.

[@marisrom858]

Invalidating when they’re hurt. I avoided telling my mom about very serious health issues until the last minute because I was always told to walk it off and threatened with a hospital visit if I kept being dramatic.

[@LilPoopsie]

It's even worse when your parent is chronically ill. My narcissistic mother has 2 types of lupus and it was always "YOU'RE sick?? YOU'RE tired?? How do you think I feel, I'M ALWAYS sick and tired!!"

[@CensorshipIsOpression]

My parents looked at my misdiagnosis and said "There's nothing wrong with my daughter, she just wants special treatment." I heard this through the wall, I wasn't meant to hear it. I have refused to share anything personal with my dad since, especially after finding out my actual diagnosis.

[@Patricia-lts]

Story 12. O find hard to believe that don't memorialize their sisters is enough to broke contact. There's something else you may failed to note

[@Danielathan]

Yeah, I don't see how children that were 5 and under could be so horrifically grieved by the miscarriage of siblings they never met that it would cause them to break contact with their parents like that.

[@Da_bear-ij9gm]

@@Danielathanme neither. They literally have nothing to grieve bc they never had the thing they “lost”

[@jestersreign7530]

Especially with the fact that they did moralize them in smaller ways but they just didn't do enough and that's why the kids don't talk to them. I feel like a lot is missing here

[@IshaSoul]

I was 4 when my mom had a stillbirth and at the time I didn’t grieve at all. I was confused and affected by my parents’ grief but it wasn’t like this story at all so I’m also wondering what we are missing.

[@NaddleSchidaddle]

Glad to know I'm not the only one who feels this way. I mean, of course younger children could potentially grieve over their stillborn siblings, but something just tells me there is more to this story...

[@5Demona5]

Not giving your kids reason for doing anything, only saying things like "Because I'm your mother" or "Because I said so" It showed me I couldn't trust my mom for anything. Dad would explain as much as possible, and if he couldn't, he'd say so.

[@Tobertobee]

Same anything to do with birth. I have heard SO MANY TIMES that my mom plans to move in with me and whoever I live with which isnt happening because I’m not reliving my childhood in adult life

[@sassberrysnap]

Right like I was always like "but why"

[@rinpaisys]

A lot of people, against all evidence, still use physical violence like spanking as a means of punishing their children with an excuse of “I was spanked and I turned out fine.” which much like saying how kind you are or how smart you are, if you feel the need to point out how fine you turned out…well, you did not, in fact, turn out fine. You turned out someone who is continuing a cycle of abuse, which isn’t “fine”. People don’t like to unpack that sort of thing tho.

[@noahdaanimalguy7673]

“Fine” for them means didn’t die from the abuse

[@cynapsusart5702]

That's what I think, too. If you have to convince people of how good you are, you're probably not that good. Show, don't tell.

[@FoxLightstep]

Worst thing I've done so far as a parent: Teach them to apologize for things. My kids are now 8. My daughter thinks she has to over apologize for EVERYTHING. Spilled some milk? Apologize profusely because she thinks she's in trouble for some reason. Don't apologize like that. Just clean it up and don't do it again. Had a slightly bad day at school, yet I didn't get a phone call? Tells me about it and apologizes thinking it's the end of the world if I'm even slightly upset. Don't do what I did on accident. Don't teach them to apologize for everything.

[@feistsorcerer2251]

I know it might not be affordable, but you might want to look into a child counselor if you can. That really helped me when I was a child and had an unhealthy amount of guilt and anxiety about everything after some trauma.

[@leetyrrell]

I agree with everything you’re saying 100%, but your child WILL spill milk again. I do it, and I’m an adult. Saying “Just don’t do it again,” is unrealistic and might just perpetuate the cycle of over apologizing despite your best efforts.

[@FoxLightstep]

@@leetyrrell This is true. I should have typed "try not to" instead of "don't do it".

[@nocturnalparadise7647]

I agree as well. My mother had a similar realization when I was in my early teens, but it was too late to correct and to this day I have a habit of apologizing even for things that really don't make much sense (for example apologizing for using something for its intended use). And it's bled into other self worth issues that I also still have. I imagine I'll eventually overcome this, it seems like with a bit of work I'll be able to teach myself it's okay to just be human and do things, but it's still important to recognize it as an issue, an obstacle that didn't have to exist. I appreciate you mentioning it here. It really does feel validating as I don't think I've seen this particular phenomenon mentioned too often.

[@FoxLightstep]

@@nocturnalparadise7647 I hope that you can overcome this hurdle. I don't think people think about it. I only realized it just a few weeks ago when she started to apologize for literally everything. I'm hoping to help her correct it, and I've talked to her about the habit and how I feel I taught her wrong. She's only 8, so I hope I caught it early enough that it won't effect her negatively later on in life.

[@WendyDarling1974]

Not teaching your kids hygiene. Learned a lot of things only in college. Grew up middle class but parents had false teeth and only rarely showered, so didn’t occur to them, especially as I was baby of 5 kids. Please teach your kids to wash hands after eating, don’t pick your nose, change your underwear daily, etc. It’s not just this natural thing you learn..

[@_.hybrids._1680]

I have a similar experience only except my mom do take care of herself. Apart from the basics (brushing teeth, showering, etc.), they taught me nothing. I had to learn every hygiene necessities for older women (periods, shaving, etc) myself.

[@ni._.859]

Litteraly ☠️

[@Faunadoodlez]

@@_.hybrids._1680wait shaving is a nececisty

[@Faunadoodlez]

Oh yeah same but my parents do clean themselves properly and did teach me but not properly enough so now for some reason im scared of washing my hands in public because im afriad im not doijg it right or something

[@shwanmirza9306]

Also cooking and other chores

[@itsmilotime]

not talking to your children about heavy stuff, it is needed sometimes, serious conversations need to happen

[@cedarfleeger5924]

Yup, I got my mom's body image issues projected onto me. I remember one year, I was probably 17ish, I came to proudly show her a costume I had put together to wear to a Halloween party with friends and all she did was grab the tiny stomach roll I had (I had been severely skinny all growing up and was beginning to flesh out) and say "That's a shame." I'm 32 now and while I've come to love and accept my body pretty well in spite of this, I will likely never forget that.

[@PossibleBat]

"People who love you will make you hurt" (said by both my mom and grandma) 😢 people who love you will support you and be honest but also loving

[@Danielathan]

People who love you may hurt you, but never intentionally, and certainly never for the intent of just making you hurt.

[@wisteria3032]

"people who love you will make you hurt" totally agree. let's not mix it up with "will hurt you" of course my boyfriend makes me hurt. Every time something happens to him I hurt. And every time something happens to me but he just can't understand why I'm hurt, I hurt. Of course he tries to be supportive if I tell him I hurt but at the end of the day he is not me and even if he is there for me I know he doesn't really understand. And I am sad when I think the opposite must be true too, that I will never understand why he is hurt by something that wouldn't have hurt me. The more we open our heart to someone, the more we wish to open our heart, the more we see people we love suffering, the more we hurt. But _he_ will never hurt me. that's the point

[@hypercrow9563]

That's true though, people who love you will make you hurt, inevitably, ideally never intentionally, as long as they are not doing it intentionally and as long as you can reason with them, don't make the mistake of doubting their love.

[@101jir]

As others have said, not wrong but horrible advice without clarification and differentiation from abuse and exploitation. People you love will hurt you with their absence, usually outside of their control (an exception being if you are an attention hog and harming yourself with attention seeking behavior and they don't know a better option). They will also say difficult things that precedent has indicated you will appreciate later and/or you have given them permission to say similar things in the past, to the point that the permission becomes implied. When people trust each other to the point that they are comfortable being vulnerable around each other is a good sign, especially when sharing something initially painful that the person would want to learn and fix.

[@hypercrow9563]

@@101jir yeah, human beings hurt everything close to them, it's impossible to prevent that 100% of the times but out of context like that, it sounds like one of those things an abuser would say "I'm doing this for your own good" "it's just tough love" and the like

[@PotatoQueen_]

DON'T PUT KIDS ON THE INTERNET. It might seem harmless but some of you don't know what kind of creeps lurk on the Internet and besides, they have a right for privacy too. Imagine you post a picture of your baby and when it grows up it starts to resent you for said picture. Just don't do it.

[@pokemonmaster5514]

gotta put them on good video games instead, internet isn't even good for teenagers internet is just a horrible place to grow up

[@Thehistorygeographyandflagnerd]

My parents have been posting my face on Facebook or whatever since I was a baby and I hate that sm

[@AFellowCyberman]

AI is also being trained off images of kids and other people that are online without people's consent, so there's that as well.

[@GPKatai]

- Admit when you are wrong. Your kid will learn to admit when THEY are wrong -if you didn't not want them? Keep your mouth SHUT. I never forgot that moment my mother told me she didn't want me at first and struggled to bond. Just don't. - Don't shut down your kids when they question you. It's a learning opportunity. It's NOT defiance when done respectfully. They have to practice respectful debates

[@Terrie_is_better_than_U]

I'd just like to point out one that I think absolutely ruined me. My mother would walk in on me dressing and showering and when I showed the slighted bit of discomfort, she'd say, "We're both girls, don't worry about it." The worst part is she didn't do this in a predatory manner, She just put cloths away and took out the washing. I was so desensitized to this that I didn't notice the actual predatory events in my childhood by other females. I only learnt that something was wrong when I turned 12. The best way to avoid this is to ask to come in or just wait. Don't do this.

[@christianfournier6356]

These stories only reaffirm that my vasectomy was my greatest gift to my future children!

[@writingisfun9842]

I am glad you accept your choice and saw that you might not be a good parent. If noise bothers you, but you want a living creature, get a lizard.

[@filipe.sm31]

Some people would say that you're being "selfish," but I'd say you're really being altruistic here. If you know you are unfit to be a parent, only an egotistical person would have a kid in this situation

[@astraamarante6233]

@@filipe.sm31 It’s also hilarious because those people will be like “You’re so selfish for not having kids, you need to have kids!” “If I’m selfish, then having kids won’t change that, I’ll just be a selfish parent 😂” The double standard is proof that there’s only saying it to guilt people into becoming parents

​@@filipe.sm31 people can also work on themselves to become fit for parenting.

[@miproduction6196]

Thank you for playing your part, with the betterment of the rest of society AND your own life in mind

[@SatyreIkon]

Helping your child finish a task. Seems harmless, you're such a caring and supportive parent after all on the surface, good job parent, wheeee. Problem is: Do it enough times and you ruin your child's self esteem and its tenacity, causing it great distress if it doesn't get things correct right away. Took me some therapy to unlearn that stuff.

[@hanaomer4419]

I only just recently learned we’re not supposed to help until they ask for it

[@SatyreIkon]

@@hanaomer4419 Absolutely right. And even then it can be good to encourage them to keep on trying, optimally with the assurance that you'll be available if they ask again.

[@W-I463]

This was my mom. It really does make you feel useless.

[@SatyreIkon]

@@W-I463 Yup. And the bad thing is... you cannot even blame them for it. Most of the time. They just love you and want to help. (Unless they are for some reason embarrassed or in any other way bothered when they see you fail at something. That's bad.)

[@LilPoopsie]

My narcissistic mother would always be right up my ssa when it came to "helping me" with my homework. I remember one time I was told her to stop and she says "Fine, never ask me for help ever again!" Like I even asked for it in the first place. If i ever have kids, I already know that I'm gonna let them do things themselves, but they'll ALWAYS know they can come to me for help if with they need to.

[@amandabriscoe6578]

Because I said so/am the parent, is not an answer. It's a cop out for not wanting to talk to your children. TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN PEOPLE. Apologize and explain. Yes, they're children and should be treated as children but we are supposed to be raising them to be functional adults.

[@thefourthdymensionmusic]

read in an earlier comment to not treat your children like adults, but dont baby them either. i think the perfect way to put it is "treat your children like theyre gonna be adults one day"

[@talkingtakotaco8611]

​@@thefourthdymensionmusic children are adult in training. It's kind of like drivers in training. You still sit with them and give them advice and tell them what to do, but you still put them in front of the wheel and ultimatly they are driving their own life. You don't reach over and drive for them, except maybe for some exceptional situations.

[@thefourthdymensionmusic]

@@talkingtakotaco8611 that is an amazing analogy.

[@snakesnail6664]

The post about turning every conversation to somethihng negative, and talking about what im doing wrong in normal everyday conversations is exactly what my mother does. I didn't realise until now. My mum will just walk into my room, then yell at me about how its dirty, then in the car to the shops will just talk about how I wont amount to anything because I don't go to school. Turns out I have severe anxiety and depression, and I'm sure the unpredicability of any conversation turning to what I'm doing wrong isn't helping.

[@Anonymous_Gambito]

Yeah I have the same problem with mine. At some point you don't even want to be in mere hearing range of a person like that because anything and any moment can be turned into a one sided conversation about how useless you are and everything that's wrong with you. It's specially terrible when a person like that will pick apart just absolutely anything to complain about.

[@ilovemen42]

that happens to me too, i thought it was normal?

[@everestmendoza8164]

I bounced from family members house to family members house No one really wanted to keep me. I was called Gorda by EVERY MEMBER of my dads side of the family. Turns out I was wearing to small clothing and is actually severely underweight. Its even more noticeable now since I've gotten in the habit of baggy clothes and my baby fat has left my face. I still have a muffin top because I can't wear pants comfortably on my hips so I put them lower. I have issues eating ONCE A DAY. And all my friends have asked AT LEAST ONCE if I have an eating disorder. Everyone in my family thinks (myself included) that I don't and refuse to let me go to the doctor t get diagnosed. DONT NICKNAME YOUR CHILD FAT KID AND EXPECT THEM TO HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH WEIGHT AND FOOD!

[@shitneyb5562]

Lmao I was Gorda too 😂 we're the ones who grow up to be super hot tho

[@jonathanduran8289]

Same here they called me Gordo 💀

[@_venti_the_bard_4369]

Telling your child that you would not be friends with them if you wouldn't be their parent. Its was very hurtful to hear that from my mother several times.

[@LysolMyFace]

My elder brother did this to my younger (and also autistic) brother. With lines like that, its no surprise we are low contact with him now.

[@sassberrysnap]

Yikes, that sucks My mom always said that even if I weren't her child she'd pick me to be her friend 😭 That's the kind of thing you should tell your kid, not this

[@circeowaggles]

Oh man I asked what my mom thought of my girlfriend and she said she didn't think that highly of her because she chose to date me, it was brutal. In some ways it was a harsh blunt truth but the delivery, ouch. We're good though, me and my mom she's a great lady we all say dumb things sometimes

[@Draconiangem]

My parents are boomers and loved to tell silly wives tales to us as kids to scare us from doing things or explaining things that defied all science because they didn’t want to feel dirty as religious folk. Things like how babies are born to small stuff like watermelons growing in your stomach if you eat the seeds. I was humiliated in school with this false knowledge and even as a young adult of so much for not knowing how things worked and was terrified when I shouldn’t have been. Don’t be afraid to tell your child the truth. Just be tactful about it. Don’t insert religion to the point it’s damaging. Science isn’t evil. Education isn’t evil. I love science now, and am an avid researcher and want to learn no matter my age.

[@thefourthdymensionmusic]

thats one of the things that i hate the most about religion. its these people that are so overbearing that they hurt their children with it. also, the people that use religion as an excuse to do bad things. being good or bad doesnt exist on a credit system, its so much more than that.

[@Stxvn]

@@thefourthdymensionmusic I go to two different parishes. Maybe its because I keep zoning out but one of the parishes tend to teach us stuff like "be understanding" and stuff, and tend to never really addresses political issues. This one feels like About improving spirituality be being nice The other one tend to go straight for the kill, saying "we are this if we do this" and "we are that if we don't do that." One time there was this priest that does this thing where he would break everyone's eardrums by screaming at the people at random times (if you know, you know). This very political priest straight up started going like "I know I would be arrested if I said this out in public but (slanders the Transgenders)". This parish had a change of priests simply because it was inconvenient for this priest to traverse between states for Mass, and the new priest doesn't tend to focus on politics as much, which I think is a good thing. Its moments like this where the inconsistency makes me feel I am part of two seperate religeons simultaneously while being in one religeon. I love my religeon, but sometimes, its too complicated to understand.

[@thefourthdymensionmusic]

@@Stxvn thats insane. that sounds like two extremely different communities, and it seems like the most extreme version of the communities that treat lgbtq people poorly would rather actually physically hurt them and mentally berate them with reminders of "how much of a mistake to humanity they are" instead of just leaving them alone like sane people. i live in an area almost exclusively filled with those kinds of christians, so its hard to have faith in a religion that basically wants to kill me.....

[@WynneL]

"My childhood wasn't that bad." --Me at 20 "Wow, for two people who loved me, my parents really screwed the pooch." --Me now. Friends, your trauma matters even if it's not the worst trauma that ever occurred.

[@Icannotfindmybrain]

Story 13 - the part about inability to withhold important discussions for another time. I live with my aunt, and I come out of my room to eat only and ONLY then, when my aunt is not home (when she is for example: on a walk, stayed overnight somewhere, wen out with friends, etc.) because she always find something to either lecture me about or something to complain about. And that happens EXACTLY when I sit down to eat and can't really leave the room

[@cloudyfish1es]

From my experience, I think it’s “acting like a terrible person just to make your child get used to the harshness of some people”, which is what mom did when I was around elementary school. This lead me to distancing myself from my parents and also not be very open to them. I thought having dysfunctional parents was normal, until one of my friends told me that parents should protect their children and make their children feel safe around them. That’s where I realize that “I guess my mom got what she wanted lol.”

[@kagaminelen2652]

my mother is self employed and works with customers, and when i was younger, she told everyone she met about everything private i had going on, such as medical things, things that i was feeling sad about, how i spent my money, etc. she acted surprised when she didn’t know that one of my medical issues was gone and only found out 2 years later.

[@YourLocalTransSolangeloTherian]

My father backed me into a corner and Obviously I cried He screamed at me because I was “weak” “Your not a weak person when you cry, your someone who needs a break”-A wise person DON’T BACK YOUR CHILDREN INTO CORNERS

[@hopegallows1392]

Please for the love of god don’t have hard expectations for your children. My father expected to have a smart kid and a sporty kid, just like his parents had. My brother is disabled so neither were happening, suddenly I had to be both. Unfortunately I also had my own issues, depression and ADHD, so I couldn’t be the kind of kid he wanted. He was clearly disappointed and showed no interest in the things I enjoyed.

[@Deedlanger]

Get some abs and quit whining like a goofball. Tell him straight i got abs and what you gonna do about it? He definitely be proud of that

[@drawerganizer785]

For the first story, the target doesn't have to be you. Just seeing someone ridicule other people over their personal preferences makes it hard to trust them with personal stuff. My dad will mock people who post lgbt related stuff on facebook, then brag to me about leaving a rude reply. I love my parents and still visit them from time to time, but there's a gamut of personal topics I won't talk with them about because they don't have enough chill to handle them.

[@ZomboidMania]

Exactlyyyy, I swear they think they're the coolest people on earth for leaving a spiteful venomous reply on an innocent post...like who cares??? My rule is only rant about it if it's either humourous or completely outlandish, which in itself is also humorous, anyways back to my main point, I swore that I'll never tell my parents I'm Bi, sure they may accept me, but with all the hate they spit towards those people why on earth would I want them to know I'm one of them??

[@Stxvn]

@@ZomboidMania Honestly, If I was bi, I wouldn't tell my parents either.

[@xTIYx]

Focusing more on your kid's mistakes than on how they handle their own mistakes. I'm 31. Today I made a mistake that made my dad feel unappreciated. I acknowledged I was on the wrong, apologized many times, and will never do the same again. He just keeps scolding me without accepting my apologies. And I realized he has always been like that when I was a kid. There was never a redeeming if I ever made a mistake, all mistakes were unworthy of forgiveness, and it really made me terrified of not being perfect at all times. Also took me a long time to learn how to take responsibility for my actions instead of panicking denying I made any mistakes or even lying to find excuses.

[@everestmendoza8164]

One of my guardians always lays on me and tickles me or hugs me and tickles me . I HATE BEING TOUCHED. it not evn the tickling she has touched me on multiple occasions when I told her to STOP. I keep telling the to stop but she WON'T. Do you know how hard it is to get close to someone to feel safe enough to trust them to touch you then completely disregard your own comfort ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS. My friends have more concern for my physical comfort then my guardian. Though that mainly because lots of them hate being touched also but that's not the point. Listen to the comfort of your kid. Otherwise they'll stop telling you anything because you won't listen.

[@widowkeeper4739]

Oh lordy Tickle Torture. Just because I'm laughing doesn't mean I'm having fun. My father never understood that either. I feel deeply for you.

[@everestmendoza8164]

@@widowkeeper4739 thank you! Somebody who gets it. I hate it because I am really REALLY ticklish so I laugh ALOT. So my yelling stop comes out more playful then angry. I remember one valentine day I had my friendship chocolate in my hand and she came up behind me and tickles my I kept laughing out stop but she didn't till I dropped and ruined my chocolate with dog fur! I hade to throat away then laid in my bed and try not cry mainly because I'm not allowed to close my bedroom door (otherwise I won't have a bedroom door) because if I did cry she would just say get over it it’s just chocolate. Thank you for validity my feelings!

[@thefourthdymensionmusic]

im extremely ticklish. im glad my mom took me kicking her square in the face several times after tickling my feet as a warning to not tickle my feet.

[@dario5178]

That sounds like it could be abuse. Please tell a teacher or adult you trust

[@melinacat5958]

Story 13 absolutely (though I know it from a less severe situation). Parents get so stuck in wanting to educate and help and give advice that anything you bring up to them inevitably loops back to how there's a chore you still have to do today, how your grades aren't perfect yet, how you eat a bit too much unhealthy food, how you should be moving a bit more. All things that are absolutely true and not wrong in of themselves, at least for me as a kid those were all things I could and wanted to genuinely improve about my life and myself. But when you feel like the moment you share something, anything, even a really happy moment, like "i went on a really long walk by myself today!" it gets turned into "the goal is that in two months youll go on walks daily". Instead of supporting the progress I did make, and being able to just lightly and positively talk about something small, everything is always about hammering in another life lesson or pointing out another bad habit I need to pick to work out of. It gets so bad that being around that parent is just... exhausting. Genuinely exhausting. I WANT to spend time with them, but I just can't take being reminded of every non-perfect thing in my life so often.

[@Stxvn]

Its always "How are your grades" but not always "How are you"

[@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617]

Hot take: stories like these, which are NOT rare by any possible metric, are an often overlooked reason why people are having fewer kids; for sure if we were to rank those reasons "childhood trauma" comes far behind "economic crises" and "fear of climate change", but it definitely comes ahead of "being immature and irresponsible" and "preferring dogs and cats to children". But of course dogs are easier to blame than parents such as: _points to the video_ exhibit A.

[@kp2223]

💯 as a parent I feel like this is a Laundry list of how I might be shitty.

[@noahdaanimalguy7673]

Definitely, for me you got it almost perfect, my main reason for not wanting kids is everything is way to expensive and if the world might be ending, why even bother? And then next is the childhood trauma, barely a teenager and already I despise my parents because of how they have been raising me and how differently they treat me to my brother, and how I’m scared I’m gonna end up like them if I have a kid. My last reason also being have a cat is just easier and less expensive as well as my family despite treating me bad don’t treat animals bad so I’m not nearly as scared of becoming like them towards animals then become like them towards kids

[@CrystalKier]

My mom was always telling at me for forgetting things as a kid; and she would tell me a few times that it's not that I forgot, it's that I didn't want to remember. Skip to 19yo and we found out that I have lupus; and throughout the years we've been learning what lupus does and how it works, we also found out that it causes brain fog. One day, my dad and I were talking (I forget what about), and he and my mom were talking about my lupus and they realized that I actually did forget about all those things in the past. Back to the present, my dad said to me that my mom knew she was in the wrong about yelling at me all those times; but my dad also said that my mom is not an apologizing kind of person, and that she will never apologize to me. Several years later and she still has not apologized to me and I don't believe she will; and I absolutely hate myself whenever I forget something, I severely doubt myself whenever someone asks if I'm sure about something, and I made a promise to myself that I will never trust my own memory.

[@CyanKiwis]

I have the same problem with doubting my memory a lot although I don't have lupus or any illnessess (to my current knowledge).

[@ShowierData9978]

ADHD is also a thing that causes forgetfulness (in my own experience)

[@miproduction6196]

@@ShowierData9978dawg, The beautiful thing is tho… we discard the ish that isn’t worth being memorable. My Gma is 95 and (given, she def has better memory than me 24) I like to think we only care to remember and carry with us the stuff that really has meaning, and that will be remembered even after we’re gone. Don’t feel like it’s a deficit, it’s a deficit to shackle down to societal standards just for those who have forgotten their soul and what TRULY matters. We don’t want to fit to their standards now, do we? why would we?

[@Name..........]

​@ShowierData9978 this I have forgetfulness with lossing pencils doing homework ect. But than my mom would later gaslight me and say I was misremembering and making up how abusive and neglectful she was...

[@throneisbed7833]

Parents just opening the bedroom door whenever is the worst! My mother (and as a result, some of my siblings) would only knock half the time, and would throw the door open whenever. So I put up a blanket as a buffer because neither parent would buy me a lock and in fact, removed the lock that was already on the door (my room used to be an office when the house was built). It gets you paranoid. A child's bedroom is supposed to be a safe space where they can have some privacy, and yet I always had my guard up because I couldn't even get dressed in the morning without worrying if Mum would throw the door open whilst I'm still changing. I do have my own lock now tho, walked a solid half-hour to get to bunnings and purchased the cheapest doorknob with a lock on it I could find (I'm broke lol, I get thirty bucks a month pocket money, ten of which is supposed to go on my bus pass, so sixteen dollars was the best I could do), and let me tell you that lock is a lifesaver! I'm still hypervigilant about it tho, you don't go nineteen years without privacy and instantly settle once you have it. But, checking the doorknob to know the lock is locked before doing things like getting dressed, does settle the anxiety somewhat. TLDR; not giving your children privacy is a very good way to raise a child who doesn't know how to relax ever Edit: now I think of it, don't do the thing my dad does when it comes to your child learning problem solving. I'm very neurodivergent, a chronic overthinker and the wrong kind of perfectionist (which definitely didn't help matters) and I have a history of adults chewing me out for coming up with 'stupid solutions'. So naturally, being presented with something that needs a solution, no matter how minor, is stressful, and I tend to overthink the potential downsides of every solution. You'd think my dad, being my parent, would help me learn to manage this. But no. I go through a few solutions (out loud, of course; it's how I think) and he starts yelling at me for 'only finding problems'. TLDR with that one; maybe actually try to teach a child how problem-solving works before getting mad at them for not knowing how to problem-solve

[@thefourthdymensionmusic]

i hate when people get angry at people over something they were never taught. it happened to me a while back and i lost one of my oldest online friends over it. just because someone (whos a self proclaimed PoS made of all sorts of different mental problems) got colossally angry at me because i wasnt meticulous over something caused me to get way too defensive and thus wound up making him even angrier. nothing i couldve ever done wouldve ever satisfied that lil shit. just sucks that i lost that friend through that situation too.

[@damonminnix4660]

I problem-solve the same way, and I am so, so sorry your dad gets into you for the way your brain works. It’s fucked up. Sometimes I miss the obvious solution, but it keeps life interesting-the thing about our method is *we have a thought process behind what we choose.* We’re thoughtful about it, which is a big thing. Keep thinking. Sorry that you’ve been scolded for it.

[@rebeccaholloway3066]

I’m expecting a baby in September and I’m both so excited and so nervous! My husband and I came from completely different childhoods, mine where I was neglected and abused and his where he was loved and given many things but with the expectation of living his life exactly how his parents told him he should. Having such different backgrounds has given me a lot of perspective, i understand what works well and what damages your child. I hope to be the best mom possible, I already love my little baby so much!

[@thefourthdymensionmusic]

best of luck! i hope to god that you have people that can help you guide yourself towards a healthy relationship with your child.

[@MissLeigh232]

Oh man, regarding the "Don't be afraid to admit your mistakes", that is a huge one. When I was little, my mom was wrong about something innocuous, I don't recall what. I was shocked, surprised that she even *could* be wrong. She looked me in the eyes, shrugged, and said "It's happened before, it'll happen again." Honestly, the best lesson.

[@Stxvn]

It's probably a good Idea to start that as early as possible. Because if you admit to mistakes, your child will probably learn that it is okay to be wrong in an argument, and the arguments will become more healthy. However, if its more about "I aM tHe pArEnt aNd therEfOrE i aM coRreCt ☝🤓" then the arguments are more about winning and retaining power rather than arguing on what's right. And when you do finally admit you are wrong, since you have been using the same excuse for a long time, the kid would be celebrating not because they proved a point, but rather because they defeated you.

[@BoxOKittens]

My mom claiming I'm in a bad mood any time I'm not smiling. Also her trying to control what I wore or how I did my hair by calling anything she didn't like "ugly". It just made me feel ugly for wearing things I liked that she didn't. My dad just told me upfront how he thought I was ugly and gross lol but my mom made it more sneaky and insidious which took me way longer to realize.

[@BoxOKittens]

Oh and also not being willing to apologize or show "negative" emotions, or talk about embarrassing subjects. It makes it feel impossible to go to them about these things or be open about them.

[@BoxOKittens]

Oh, lol and always watching your kid like a hawke when they're doing things. Whether it's trying something new or just socializing. My mom ruined so many social events because she'd school me on what to do or say and then she'd stand by the side and watch me the whole time. I felt like I couldn't just talk freely or hang out casually, I felt like I was under a microscope. She ruined my first ever school dance by doing this. I felt too awkward to even try dancing, and I ended up hiding in the bathrooms. She eventually came in and drove me out, and then I just wanted to go home. I still remember the ride home. We'd driven my friend with us so she had to leave early and was bummed, and my mom told me that I shouldn't be surprised if she wanted to stop being my friend now for "ruining" the dance.

[@BoxOKittens]

I've got more but this is getting depressing lol I didn't even touch on the stuff my dad did and that's so much worse.

[@ModamerShorts]

@@BoxOKittens Man are you okay? If you're THIS angry and traumatized by stuff your family members did, try considering therapy, maybe it'll even help?

[@BoxOKittens]

@ModamerShorts damn I thought I was being funny, wasn't angry. I guess it can sound angry to people who've never had to process trauma. Also let's try not to assume things about people. I've already done the therapy thing long ago.

[@alexmiller3349]

There are so many relatable things here that my mother used to do but one exception that wasn't mentioned here is probably "don't waterboard your kids" My mom was an ex police officer in Russia and I'm autistic. Thus, I could have sensory overloads and meltdowns when she say, screamed at me and the best solution she found for this is not to say, back down and let me calm down on my own (later when I separated from her it turned out that 5-10 seconds and I'm fine) but to carry me to the WC, put my face in the toilet and repeatedly turn the water on untill I was literally suffocating. I'm pretty sure that this counts as abuse but at the time she used to indoctrinate me that I had anger issues and she as the victim had this as her only option. I can go on with even more traumas she caused me on different occasions such as literal inability to share my feelings as any attempt of this will result in me being blamed for manipulations for example but this is one of the edge things I had in my early childhood

[@leetyrrell]

Oh my holy fucking god, I am SO sorry…and I sincerely hope you’re doing better now. Jesus.

[@sassberrysnap]

To be fair I don't think anyone would ever consider waterboarding as "seemingly harmless" I'm SO sorry you had to go through that Us autistic people already go through enough you should NEVER have had to deal with something like that

[@RussiaForScale]

Reading and listening this makes me feel a lot more grateful about how my parents raised me with care and understanding

[@Foxlover781]

Best way to raise a kid (from my experience as a kid) give money incentive for chores, accept them for who they are, don’t tease or mock them, give them space if they need it and don’t spoil them whilst still making them happy

[@101jir]

Work is less about incentive and more about dignity/respect. With or without money, it is easy for a child to feel like work is just your parents exploiting their authority. Sometimes this is true (all too often), and sometimes it is just because that is what the child would do in the parent's position. There's multiple ways to address this (role playing, working alongside them and doing the lion's share, etc). Main thing is to communicate that work with respect and dignity (including compensation, when it is age appropriate and appropriate to the task) is good and exploitation is bad. I got paid for work and still felt exploited because it was an unnecessary project, an overwhelming project, I received no help and couldn't say no. Like "gee thanks, that sure makes up for that whole misery."

[@jaebyrd4608]

The story about being teased for singing is why I was a literal concert level, select soloist who was specifically selected to attend musical seminars and participate in a choir where you had to audition to get in and my family had no idea I could sing because to this day I never sing for them. I even got a call back to sing for Disney though I didn’t get picked, yet my voice is a mystery to my family

[@tuackanxu]

My parents have done a lot really well, but one thing they did that has messed me up was pressuring me to overcome food aversion. I had a pretty limited palate so my mom would try all sorts of ways to get me to eat other foods when going out. I think part of that was that she considered eating with others an important social experience, which becomes hard if there's nothing I'll eat. Unfortunately, I've mostly just developed enough anxiety around foods I'm unsure of that it usually makes it too unpleasant to ever try new things (especially in front of others). I don't know what I'd have done differently, I'm just not happy with how it's turned out. I think that fits the prompt.

[@steggopotamus]

One of the moms that hosts child proof pays their food cautious kid $1 if she tries a food. Mom offers, but doesn't force it, and the kid knows it's a dollar if she tries, she doesn't have to like it. The kid has and unspecified genetic condition and autism, they tried all the usual food therapy and it didn't work. But letting the kid decide when they're ready to try has lead to a few new foods. The same mom has a kid that will eat anything, and tries weird stuff off the adults menu all the time.

[@thefourthdymensionmusic]

@@steggopotamus W

[@theaceguitarist]

My mom was a SEVERE helicopter parent, especially when it came to me. She’s very… particular (*cough* control issues), and needs everything in her life to be running Just So. And I, being possibly the most ADHD child to ever ADHD, well. I was chaotic. I didn’t work with her system. And what ended up happening, in so many words, was that she tried, rather forcibly, to bend me to fit. It never worked. It just hurt like hell. Despite me BEGGING her to let me just manage myself, she continued incessantly hovering until I was seventeen, when the therapist she took me to told her to knock it off. To this day, I have a harder time focusing on schoolwork or housework when I know she’s in the house- I find myself bracing for an interrogation-and-scolding style interruption. And getting ready in the morning (the routine I struggled with most, which therefore became the most brutal) STILL gives me intense anxiety. Every. Single. Day.

[@Stxvn]

The scariest part of this video is how much I relate to these thing, wondering that MAYBE there is something wrong.

[@Elisabeth-tq3jr]

Mocking a show/music/something they enjoy, in front of them. My Mom has always done this and then wondered why I never wanted to let her in on my feelings and interests when I was a teenager.

[@butt317]

To this day I seriously struggle to share my interests with people

[@funkylittlespacecowboy2372]

People who say they raise their children exactly how their parents raised them are absolutely talking about beating their kids.

[@fancydeer]

Um, no regular adults don't think that children are "evil". That's an Abrahamic religious thing. Anyone who thinks this is brainwashed and has some religious trauma they need to work through. Education is key honestly.

[@polskirzniwiarz5034]

Exactly!!! And not every abrahamic religion believes that either

[@Danielathan]

If one believes that children are purely evil by nature then they don't properly understand the Abrahamic concept of sin. Humans were first created in the image of God as purely good, then Eve (the first woman) was deceived and sinned, marring the pure goodness with evil, and now everyone contains and has the potential for both good and evil. It is important to note that everyone has _both_ of these aspects. People are neither angels nor demons, and to be taught, intentionally or unintentionally, that one can be perfect or that people are purely evil is a horrific misconception that will cause serious problems later.

[@Da_bear-ij9gm]

@@Danielathansaying children have a capacity for evil would result in the same thing, though. Determining very normal neutral actions are “evil” because of the way parents interpret them without questioning the parent’s bias

[@Da_bear-ij9gm]

@@Danielathaninteresting how you claim Eve is the only one who sinned here. Certainly that’s just a coincidence with the fact that your religion is incredibly sexist

[@Danielathan]

@@Da_bear-ij9gm I am picking up on a ton of bias on your side. Saying "children have the capacity for evil" and "everything a child does is evil" is not at all equal, and the point of my reply was that it shouldn't be taken that way. How is sexism in any way related to my previous reply? I did not say that Eve was the only one who sinned, only that she did (because she wasn't, Adam also ate the fruit immediately after she did [he was with her the entire time and was supposed to make sure that she didn't eat the fruit, but he stood there and did nothing, so everywhere else in the Scripture _he_ is actually blamed for original sin]) Besides, I never confirmed which Abrahamic religion I belong to; you're merely assuming which one I belong to as well as my beliefs, which is prejudice. I could go into detail of how God made both sexes unique with great value _because of_ their differing roles in the home and in society, and how the Bible commands men to treat women respectfully and with sacrificial, Christ-like love, but I'm assuming that you won't listen, so I won't bother at this time.

[@ronan5642]

Something thats actually seemingly harmless? Emotional immaturity, your parents are bad per say but they *never* taught you to cope with your emotions growing up because they didn't know how to do it themselves. They can seem picture perfect, but they're not.

[@Regrettable-Username]

5:22 *THIS!* I wasn't given chores growing up because my parents were worked to the bone by their parents as children. They had good intentions. But when I was growing up my mom was overwhelmed by the housework, she was a stay-at-home mom and my parents had traditional gender roles with that stuff, and would make snide comments about us not helping out. Threatened to abandon us because we made her home such a disaster. But whenever we tried to help, we didn't know what we were doing and she'd just shout at us for doing it wrong and making things worse. So now I'm teaching myself the basics of chores and getting insanely anxious about doing things wrong. Give your kids chores. Teach them how to cook and clean from a young age. It's awkward and embarrassing AF to be grown and having to learn all of that for the first time.

[@iiv_dannybo1]

As an autistic person i never got the support i needed. I did get diagnosed by the doctor with autism but my parents just thought they could "cure" it . Everytime i do something wrong i would just get hit and i always got told i need to change. i always tried to changed myself to make myself feel loved but it was hard.

[@Stxvn]

Some idiotic parents think some mental illnesses can be "cured" Now this isn't really a mental illness, but I have heard of stories of Conservative parents sending their kids to "conversion camps" to cure a kid's homosexuality, and it usually ends up doing more damage than any 'fixing' (whatever they think that means). When I am older, I might see a docter to see if I have any issues. I don't want to make assumptions, but it is pretty strange how I always get the "Borderline Autism" Score anytime I do an online Autism test. Like I know most of them are fake, but the consistency is pretty concerning The results I got were 8/10, needed 6/10 26/50, needed 27/50 19/30, needed 20/30 and most recently, 20/40

[@Ofelia-12]

Another, seemingly much more harmless version of the last story. My mom has been trying to lose weight my entire life and she's always been openly talking about it. Cutting out this or that, fasting, talking about her weight and how much she wants to lose (usually just around 5kg, she's never been obese). She never pushed this on us kids, she was never controlling of our food, she taught us about healthy eating, she did so many things right, but it still affected me negatively. I'm at my optimal weight, I'm happy with my body, I have a great relationship with food (99% of the time), but I'm still at risk of developing an eating disorder. I'm unable to keep a scale in my home because weighing myself too often triggers me into eating less and exercising more, no matter what the number on the scale is. It doesn't matter if you don't push weight loss on your kids, if you as a parent constantly show your kids that the number on the scale is super important to you, they will value the same thing whether they want to or not.

[@Plvsh_fox]

Being open about family troubles. You might think it's good to let your child know what happened to you when you were younger or even explaining why there's tension between say... My mother and grandma. My mom openly vented to me and talked about how my grandmother was an alcoholic and her family troubles hoping to let me see her sensitivity in a different light (my grandmother is much nicer now, but she still has some toxic tendencies) and after that I have always felt like I had to hold my tongue around her to not trigger anything or make her feel like a bad parent. I haven't been able to tell her what I think she does wrong without her asking if she's a bad parent and it HURTS. She cares for and love me. But I can't talk about the trouble she's caused me without feeling like I'm guilting her

[@xartemisstarsx]

Joking around about interests. My parents would always make fun of games I used to play and books I used to read, and told me I needed “more productive” hobbies. This caused me to mask myself and have a period of my life where I did things I didn’t like just to please my parents.

[@CasualVFlowerEnjoyer]

I grew up with a single mom who was only 17 when she had me. You can probably guess what her emotional intelligence might have been. She was a teenager. In my formative years she had to work a lot, and I was bounced around to anyone who could possibly watch me. I spent a majority of my time with other people rather than me mom, and it fed into the abandonment issues I was already developing from my father skipping out on us. She used to intentionally scare me with things. Buy me toys that scared me, jumped out at me to scare me, made me watch scary movies, ect. She thought it was hilarious to see me afraid. As I got older, she would laugh at me every time I was upset about something. So I learned to keep everything inside. She didn't teach me many life skills, she did everything herself, probably to not seem weak to others being a single young mom. I basically went from a child who loved being outside and playing with others to gradually becoming a quiet, conflict-avoidant bookworm. Nowadays I am practically stagnant. I have control issues because I never had much control of anything growing up. We were constantly moving from place to place, I was passed around all the time, and some unsavory things happened to me at the hands of people I was supposed to trust. But because I am so emotionally fragile, instead of being controlling in the way that is forceful, I am controlling in a way that means minimizing as much change or unpredictable elements as possible in my life, isolating myself and hiding from progress because I can't control the outcomes of trying to live like others. I can't control what people think of me, I can't predict whether I'll succeed or fail at something, and failing feels more crippling than not trying. I bottle so much up that adding more to the bottle will make it crack and I fall apart. I am trying to pull myself out of it though. I am attempting to get therapy, even though that feels almost insurmountably scary too. Therapy means having to open the bottle, and that's terrifying because opening the bottle in the past only got me laughed at and dismissed. I know a therapist won't laugh at me, but the paralyzing fear doesn't listen to logic. My logical side and my emotional side are totally disconnected. They don't communicate with each other at all. I can't logic my way out of the feelings I feel.

[@QuertyQw33n]

there is a fine line between protecting your child and not letting them make and learn from their own mistakes.

[@symbiotesoda1148]

My parents (mostly my mom) had this weird “one-upping” thing they always HAD to do. As in, whenever I’d complain about something that bothered me, they’d always just say like “oh well we have it WAY worse than you do.” It made me uncomfortable to actually talk to them about my problems and just talking to people about my issues in general, which has predictably led me into a spiraling depression because I’m too uncomfortable to talk to people about it.

[@user-js5dx5yy1p]

Many of the mean kids I went to school with are even worse as adults. They never grew up. I observed as a child that the bullies, especially the one girl in particular, had parents who were highly neglectful and bought their kids love, rather than actually loving them. There were never consequences imposed on them for their trash behaviour either. It was always indifference, feigned ignorance or stupid excuses and justifications. Those bullies grew up to be entitled jerks, who suffer from inferiority complexes to the point they still harass and fixate on former victims of their bullying, despite not seeing them for years. They are dysfunctional, toxic and exceedingly unhappy. Pay attention to your kids, correct their bad behaviour, teach them empathy and good work ethic. And for whatever you believe in’s sake, don’t reward them for trashy behaviour.

[@eastcoastswiftie]

A small thing that my mom did was always knock and ask before coming into my room. She believes in privacy, and this small action was a representation of the respect she had for me as a child

[@Anika38d]

24:15 My mother used to do this. One particularly memorable instance was when she asked 9th grade me about my weight and than proceeded to claim that "she weighed less even after giving birth". I was 70kg with about 165-170cm height - not skinny, sure, but within the healthy norm. Thankfully, I 1) never deemed physical appearance important to my self-value and 2) was already disappointed in her as a parent, so these words didn't make any real impact, but I still understood how wrong they were.

[@marshmallowbiscuit4553]

5:23 is what my mom ended up doing to me. She meant completely well, and due to her own childhood, wanted to give me the chance to actually have a good education, and not deal with burdens of house keeping. My only chores were trash, litterboxes, and dishes. She also taught me very minor cooking, despite being an amazing cook, and it being something we could've bonded over. At 19 I'm still missing many key adult milestones that should've been learned in my teen years. I'm grateful for her attempt at a better childhood, but it's put my adulthood at a forced halt as I quickly try to learn things. And I also have a huge failure complex and anxiety because of the high expectations in schooling that I more so inflicted upon myself. Because my only job as a kid was really to get good grades, (and her definition of a good grade was literally 75% or higher. I always got 90% or higher. Strived for 100% because even 90% upset me.) apparently in my mind that meant I had to be the best of the best. Anything less is not good enough. If I don't fold that towel perfectly and fast enough- I'm not good enough. If I spill something- God, I'm a failure. Any tiny mistake to someone else, is huge and crushing to me. TLDR: My mom meant well, but her making school my main priority made me feel like I'm unable to fail at anything, causing huge failure complex as well as anxiety.

[@LaeLiHeart]

i wanna be friends with this narrator he sounds awesome

[@Badartist888]

Praising for intrinsic qualities (especially intelligence) rather than hard work. There was a study where kids had problems to solve. Then they were divided into three groups. One were praised for being so smart. One was the control. One was praised for working hard. They all then did another set of problems the same difficulty. The work hard kids did better. The control kids did the same. And here is the kicker. The intelligence kids did worse. This kind of praise can be quite bad long term and, I believe, is one of the main reasons behind 'gifted burnout' as the gifted kids don't have self talk about being able to work hard through problems and also take failing at tasks as damage to their self idenity. The good news is former gifted kids.... you can change your self talk. Start praising yourself when you do the work and over time you change your mind set. I know, because its what I've done.

[@Badartist888]

The other one is that if you want your kids to come out their room more... don't make a big deal when they do. Same with doing chores. A simple thank you is enough.

[@achimsinn6189]

My mom keeps on bringing up "funny" stories from my childhood which usually turn into a long pointless rant that achieves nothing except for stifeling the conversation. Because of that I unconciously try to avoid topics that might remind her of such stories which stifles our conversations even more.

[@CyanKiwis]

1. If your child of any age comes to you with a problem, like they did something they regret, got bad grades, etc. Comfort and reassure them first, then when, they're feeling better give them some helpful advice using words like "next time you should:" or "If it happens again then:" instead of words like "You should have done this instead". Doing the latter may make them feel worse about themselves and I remember going to my dad about a problem with my friends. It didn't help and now I don't tell him stuff. 2. Stop yelling/raising you voice at your children every time they forget something, it doesn't help. My parents used to do that and now I constantly doubt myself on whether I've something correctly, whether it be instructions, pictures, objects. The more I try to confirm it in my mind the more I doubt, then I just keep asking myself over and over again. 3. Don't yell at their siblings in front of them or near them. Walls are thin. You have no idea how stressful it was for my when I was 12-14 (starting highschool,) and my sister were being yelled at. Being yelled at was terrifying for me and it's reallly easy to imagine what your siblings are feeling or that you could be the next victim of their anger. 4. If your child makes a mistake, assure them it's ok if it was an accident but that they shouldn't do it again. Yelling just makes them scared. Also give adequate warnings, it's absolutely terrifying when you make a small mistake and then you dad pop out of nowhere to yell at you.

[@Psykoosi92]

Comparing your kid to other children. DO NOT DO THAT! It will mess your kid for life.

[@Stxvn]

I have this friend and she always seems to be superior to me. I love being friends with her, but my parents always talk about how she does multiple extra cirricular activities and how she studies in her free time whereas I always play games in my free time and all that bull shite. I love being friends with her, but my parents make it some competition. I actually had thoughts of killing her at times just so they can stop but Im pretty sure I was joking with myself or overreacting. Most of me is convinced that she just studies all the time to impress other adults, but never thinks about how that affects the other kids, and I know it sounds farfetched but I still think it is possible for it to be true.

[@fourcheeseblend8573]

This sounds fd up but if your poor and can't give your kids what they need (cloths,phone with service,basic wants like games etc) don't baby them I've never had much I don't blame my parents for that but when I started paying for my own house at 19 and doing well my mom made it a big scene for everyone in my life as if she had taken care of me so much my whole life but I felt different and It boiled down to a big thing where i pushed my whole family away for months and told them i felt adopted long story short Ive always taken care of myself but my mom babying me and worrying about me so much made me feel like she ignored and didn't understand just how much i have done for myself

[@blackhagalaz]

Don't treat your kids as "friends". They are not your friends they are kids. My mom would pour her heart out to me since I am about 6-7 years old and the divorce from my dad happened. We moved to a major city where we kids quickly had contact in school, but she didn't. So she discussed a lot with me that just wasn't age appropriate, because I was a very obedient goodie-girl. Think financial struggle etc. This way I matured up quickly and she would leave me with more responsibilities at home, because she knew I was a very respectfull little helper who was totally fixated on her. The whole mental load and being bullied at school at the time lead to me developing OCD and depression at 14. This phenomenon is called parentification. I don't say that you can't tell your child "Hey buddy money is a little tight right now, so we need to wait a little until we go to the theme park", but don't discuss job-center appointments, or us being almost homeless because your boss cheated you out of your pay for 3 months.

[@parkjibuns638]

Or stuff you shouldn't ever tell a kid no matter their age. Like I didn't want you nor did your dad want you. The only reason you're here is because your grandma told me not to abort you. Like what the actual fuck. Glad I got help but not everyone asks for help.

[@Dinoenthusiastguy]

The knocking one. To this day I can’t use a computer without a wall to my back regardless of what I’m doing.

[@MzMidnight]

In some way shape or form, my parents acted like a mix of everyone else's. I've got a lot of issues because of them Edit: Just a note, I'm also adopted, so that's also another thing.

[@AshyP4ws]

Alr, my mom is ALWAYS talking about global warming. I know it’s bad, but she’ll look at me at joke about me not even making it to my twenties. Telling your kid they’re gonna die early isn’t exactly good parenting. And my grandma like to trigger my sensory issues or make threats abt it and then laugh, when I ask her to stop she’ll just say, “oh you know me I’d never do something like that.” She barely does it on purpose but threats and jokes about it multiple times a day, mostly when I’m zoned out or stimming and making some random noise. Whenever something happens related to me having ADHD, my mom will just say, “oh yeah well I’m pretty sure I have ADD” and ignore my problem. She also did not act like she cared very much when she saw I SH’d before and just said, “if you do that, you’ll have to homeschool.” Her and my grandma are nice to me, but my mom will get mad at me for a lot of small things, and makes a big deal about random stuff, like when I came out to her as a therian, she told her colleague (she works from home) that she just suspected I wasn’t really a therian and that it was just for attention. I’ve never done anything just for attention, yet she expects everything I do to just be for attention. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a pretty great mom but she has probably caused me atleast some of my anxiety.

[@HavikXIII]

Can't wait to see how I'm messing up my 2 year old lmao

[@katie85705]

I have a 5 year old and thankfully I don't do any of the things on this list. I know I have my own parenting issues I'm working on to be a better mom but it's nice to know I'm not messing my kid up too bad lol

[@thecrazygooseofyourdreams4785]

​@@katie85705 trust me as long as you apologize and then do better, you'll be a good parent

[@antares8476]

Ignoring wanting to be alone after an argument and the child needs to cool of. They are gonna hurt you on purpose to get you out of their presence. Happend with me and my sibling. We became so cruel when we are pushed it appals people. It is gonna birth anger issues, emotional distance, resentment and a lot of baggage that need therapy.

[@anonymouspotato1022]

A big one is forcing your kids to eat everything on their plate even if they are full, that leads to ignoring your hunger queues later

[@Kay-Renee]

I'm not the parent but i had a lot of influence on his upbringing.... My cousin is 7 and ever since he was a baby I would teach him to apologize when he does something wrong then I'd respond with "it's okay." It seemed harmless at the time because I wanted him to know that no one was mad at him for making mistakes. However, he now expects everything to be ok once he apologizes. If he does something wrong even on purpose, he would apologize instantly and if I don't instantly accept it and say "it's okay" he throws a fit!

[@dicksdrugsanddebutantes9305]

My brother used to do the same, so now if it was an accident I say its ok, but if it he did something mean like yell at me, I say "thank you for saying sorry"

[@maxwellflory6596]

But the worst thing is when ever you try and give a suggestion they will say “stop telling me how to parent”

[@TaLisaLovesDaveDay98]

I really like that you put the whole process of how you make videos in the description. I never really thought of how much work this actually takes! You obviously are doing it well 🥰

[@JackEverfree]

My father always having things for me and him to work on (fence repair, forester work, mechanical work, electrical work, etc) and almost never giving me any breaks made me overvalue free time. As a result, I’m extremely lazy in my adult life.

[@thefourthdymensionmusic]

its insane just how many people exist in one extreme or another. nobody gives a crap about balance and moderation anymore. you got pushed too hard and that made you put your free time at a way higher value than time spent doing things. could imagine how it wouldve been if they wouldve done everything and just forced you to do nothing?

[@benpearson49]

Let your kids fail at things. You aren't always going to be there to do everything for them. Dealing with failure, for the first time in your 20's is aggravating.

[@melinacat5958]

Story 21: Absolutely untrue (that all adults think kids are just evil). While many adults may have this, even though I dont have kids and Im personally really sensitive to a LOT of things that make being around kids particularly stressful... I have never once believed or wanted to believe or thought that kids do things because they are evil or purposefully annoying or whatnot. They're just small humans with very very little life experience and developing brains. Lots of people don't understand that kids only learn object identity (if i paint a yellow ball blue, it is still the same yellow ball, just painted blue. Not a different ball that is now blue.) around kindergarden/shortly before school starts for them. Some people may think it because they're uneducated, but honestly it sounds a lot like a red flag that any adult is completely 100% convinced of that kind of thing...

[@empressmarowynn]

I'd be here all day if I said how my parents messed me up but as someone who's taught kids for over a decade one of my biggest ones is telling your child no. People seem to think there's either beating the crap out of your kid for every little thing or on the other end letting them do whatever they want. But you can absolutely be a kind and gentle parent while not letting your child turn into an entitled brat. Not everything requires a negotiation of how long or how much. Sometimes the answer is just no. Explain why it's no but stay firm with the no. Because the moment you start giving in they'll think they just have to do the thing that got you to cave and it will work. So a 10 second tantrum turns into 30 seconds, then three minutes, then 20 minutes, etc because they know that it will eventually work. It takes self-discipline but it will help tremendously in the long run, for both yourself and your kid.