What is Avoidant Dismissive Attachment Style? A Therapist Explains

👉🏼 DO YOU PULL AWAY IN CONFLICT? Avoidant/Dismissing attachment style often stems and began during your childhood when your parents or caregivers most likely work consistently unresponsive or neglectful. You most likely suffered a significant loss of emotional connection in attunement with your primary caregivers. You learned that people are not dependable. How you coped, how you managed that void, was by not trusting others for your emotional needs; you learned to rely on self-soothing techniques (video games, books, school, etc.) Most likely now you struggle with emotional language connecting with emotions sharing emotions, especially in intimate relationships. In conflict, you most likely manage and navigate by pulling away emotionally, possibly numbing, or withdrawing physically entirely.
👉🏼 The good news is it’s never too late to heal. There is a process called “earned secure attachment” where you can heal any time in your life by retraining yourself by healing from past wounds hurts and traumas.
‼️ One quick exercise, a starting point, if you relate to this and if you feel you connected to this is the following:
- Think of a moment or a memory where you did feel connected to someone. And then ask yourself these questions, how was it for you when you felt seen? What did you notice in your body?
✅ Share Below!
#travisgoodman #therapist #avoidantattachment
DISCLAIMER:
ALL VIDEOS are for educational purposes only and are NOT a replacement for treatment from a licensed professional.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 988, a local emergency telephone number, or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.
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[@willowoodz]

finally a person who talks ab avoidant attachment style like it’s not some disease!! thank u.

[@TravisGoodman]

Most definitely NOT a disease but rather a way of coping and managing their environment. Stay tuned I’m the channel I will be releasing some long form videos going a bit more in depth for the main attachment styles!

[@diutrinh1240]

A vicious cycle, creating generation of children with avoidant attachment style. But I think it is not impossible to break out of the loop. It only needs to take one person to break it.

[@marioct130]

Heal yourself before you hurt another person.

[@TravisGoodman]

Yes - working towards our own healing is such a powerful experience for ourselves and those around us.

[@benithacalloway8286]

I swear no one on the internet explains or describes the correct definition of an avoidant attachment person like you do. I conclude here 🥰👋🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

[@benithacalloway8286]

Therefore I subscribed and will support

[@TravisGoodman]

First thank you for support. Second and more importantly I’m glad this resonated with you and that it described this so well! Hope it helps!

[@benithacalloway8286]

@@TravisGoodman I can’t seem to find a thank you bottom on your channel just like others do.

[@TravisGoodman]

@@benithacalloway8286 aw that is very nice and kind of you. My channel is not yet monetized so I do not have that feature as of yet. One day I will!

[@johnnyblades7824]

I agree, this is an appropriate message to DA, as it is important to avoid discussing the pain and anguish DA can, because of thier unconscious behavior, inflict on those that are tied to them.

[@silvaroo]

I want to heal. I recently discovered that I am fearful avoidant (FA) and it’s been taking a toll on my romantic and platonic relationships. I recognize that this pattern of behavior, where I shut down and refuse to confront the problem is not healthy and it hurts people. Instead, I will choose to confront these issues and recognize how they hurt people.

[@TravisGoodman]

Sounds like you get stuck in a dorsal nervous system state to survive.

[@MyForeverPerson]

I rather be an avoidant than an anxious. I used to be anxious now I am an avoidant. I avoid getting close for the sake of not getting attached

[@TravisGoodman]

That makes sense too - might feel less stressful to just avoid rather than be anxious all the time (or a lot of the time).

[@marioct130]

As long as you truly avoid getting attached. If you do get attached and then pull away or discard the person, then you are doing more harm to them.

[@nicholecornes1915]

​@@marioct130omg I was discarded and that changed me for the rest of my life!

[@K4YV4N]

I needed to hear this. Tbh ive only hugged my parents once. Im crying.

[@TravisGoodman]

Thank you for sharing and that warms my heart to know that this is what you needed to hear today. Blessings to you!

[@The_NutritionChef]

mine are like that too. No hugging no sharing feelings etc when people share things i feel super uncomfortable and avoid deep discussions i didnt realize how much of a problem it was until recently.. i thought it was normal!

[@ayumisae6864]

@@The_NutritionChefsame

[@coachnursececille]

Likewise I cried a tear after watching this. I know I'm still a Dismissive AVOIDANT Attacher...I have mother wounds 🥺 My late Mom made me feel that there's a wall between us, she doesn't want me to cry when my pets died, she would compare how will I cry when they (parents) would die 🥺 She would almost always REJECT me whenever I tried to ask for help on my homework just to have QUALITY TIME with her (my receiving love language and also Words of Affirmation). She would never tell me she's proud of me whenever I have awards/honors in the elementary. But she's very fond of "cussing" us or saying negative about us... She told me when I was 7yo, that I should be SELF-RELIANT & INDEPENDENT and not ask too much help bcoz they were very young when they were independent. She told me that after I asked for help on my homework when she almost helped my younger brother's homework.. Since I was young, I would remember that she never loved me...But when I listened to the Audiobook THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES, I realized she loved me coz she's more on Acts of Service than Quality Time and Words of Affirmation.

[@QueSarahSarah72]

My mom tried her best, but she was a navy wife before divorce, so basically a single mom of 5 kids. She also comes from the old school tradition of being tough and a "pulling up your bootstraps" attitude. As much as she loved us, i never had anyone to share my deep emotions with and rarely felt i was taken seriously when i had something to say. So yeah, definitely learned to keep my emotions to myself. Plus after certain events and betrayals, I don't trust anyone with my emotions anymore.

[@TravisGoodman]

Sounds a lot like she did her best to "survive" her childhood, her divorce, and raising 5 kids. Sounds like you also needed more emotional engagement from her as well. You can have both empathy and understanding that your mom did her best AND that she also missed part of you. Both can be true at the same time. Doesnt make anyone a bad person, just means we all have limits.

[@johnAcDaniels]

I'm so sorry about what you went through dear

[@coachnursececille]

I resonate with you having mother wounds...and emotionally unavailable mom 🥺

[@Studio-of1th]

I think im going through this. My girlfriend tells me Im closed off and dont open up to her. But Im always there for her and give her support and advice for whatever shes going through. Ive always prided myself on taking care of things without help from others. I dont really show any vulnerability around her which makes me seem cold and distant. Im crazy about her and she makes me want to be a better person but I just cant tell her. She knows how i feel about her and that I have a hard time expressing it

[@TravisGoodman]

Thanks for sharing on this subject. I will be releasing a longer video on these attachment styles very soon and will share more info on how to grow in awareness, further resources, and some other helpful ways of understanding these. In the meantime, I would recommend starting with reading the book "Attached" which does a great job of providing good education and understanding.

[@julesD0222]

The quickest way to heal is to join Thais Gibson’s personal development school, her courses are life changing.

[@Studio-of1th]

@@federicamatii That department is fine. Were very lustful and passionate with each other.

[@jenster29]

​@@Studio-of1thbut thats sex. What about intimacy? 😂 Are you affectionate? Do you have non sexual physical contact daily?

[@Studio-of1th]

@@jenster29 Yes we do. She usually initiates it and I go along with it.

[@daniellebibona1503]

Or you don't talk about your past at All! Overall though this man is actually on point. I speak from experience and I continue to do these things. I know that I could change but unfortunately I feel that people won't change. I have major abandonment issues and feel like people only come around when they want something. I feel as if people are no longer genuine, trustworthy, or worth the time due to past experiences and major disappointments

[@TravisGoodman]

Thanks for sharing Danielle! It sounds like for you as well it is part of your survival defense mechanisms to do this; if people aren't safe or trustworthy we often shift into a sympathetic nervous system survival response.

[@daniellebibona1503]

@@TravisGoodman I've dealt with a lot of trauma. I went through yrs of counseling and have learned to deal with it. It will always be a part of me but it's also made me more aware of how people and life are. As an adult I keep as many forms of abuse, violence and unfairness away from me and my son.

[@TravisGoodman]

@@daniellebibona1503 thanks for the more personal share, yes trauma is a big reason why we have these responses too, its a autonomic defensive response; glad to hear that you have gone through healing and found healthy boundaries to keep as much abuse, violence, unfairness away. My guess is too you have found quicker ways to recognize it and then take the necessary steps to care for self!

[@daniellebibona1503]

@@TravisGoodman Yes definitely. Although some are extremely good at hiding intentions and True nature but overall yes. I refuse to allow others to change who I am though! I still try to be a good-hearted person that's willing to give you the shirt off my back even if I'm not wearing a bra but I also know where to draw the line

[@benithacalloway8286]

The real answer is to continue to give without hoping anything back from no one and thinking that God had your back The main solution is to trust God in prayer.

[@chasingfreedom8442]

I do this. It’s like I freeze up and just look at someone when they start venting or sharing their raw emotions. It gives off a disconnected, IDC energy which pissed my fiancé off so much. She had more of an anxious attachment style. Beautiful, expressive, emotional spirit. Craves emotional intimacy and closeness. Our engagement was shattered after just three busy weeks overseas

[@TravisGoodman]

Firstly so sorry to hear about your engagement being shattered; that I’m sure was really difficult. Yes, when you “freeze up” it is most likely a defense mechanism to overwhelm. Yes when couple with one partner having an avoidant style and the other with an anxious style it tends to create a negative loop (unless one partner or both realize it and stop the cycle). What can happen is in conflict the more the avoidant style shots down to save the relations the anxious type gets more anxious and often gets louder or more needy/clingy or critical which then puts the avoidant style even more in shut down mode, etc etc.

[@sunshinerain5676]

I had VERY LOVING & SUPPORTIVE parents -- mine stems from horrific bullies at school

[@TravisGoodman]

This can, and totally does occur! Especially when you think about how many hours you spend around sad bullies. The impact they can have on ones emotional mental wellness can’t be very significant. Our attached cells can also change from our intimate, romantic relationships as well. Our parents and caregivers are the primary core foundation, but again, those can be changed.

[@centrerandom5640]

I cant believe I found the answer to a question I'd had my entire life from your video!

[@TravisGoodman]

Glad I could help!

[@tiaSilvaCtrly]

Hello Doctor. Thanks for these key words. I was an outgoing teenager and extroverted young adult but somehow due to lifes' many job losses and family sickness. After several depression episodes and I've become a lonely person. I've worked mostly with sales and have not had the courage to continue and been doing very poorly specially the last two years. I'm looking for motivation to get back the courage to stand up at the "stage" of life. My parents were great providers. I think I am bipolar but most of the time in the depression mode but when feeling better not been able to find friendships.

[@TravisGoodman]

Sorry to hear that. If it is bipolar there is treatment for that often a combo of therapy and medications (depending on severity of the bipolar symptoms, e,g, your depression).

[@katdareshruti]

I feel I have both attachment styles. Sometimes I am anxious and sometimes avoidant 🤔🤔

[@TravisGoodman]

Yes you can totally go between the two!

[@Blacksketch12_lol]

I think thats called disorganized or fearful - attachment style

[@user-ip3kb1sj8u]

Plagued with left side headaches and definitely relate to this but don’t want to admit a tough childhood. Makes me think.

[@TravisGoodman]

This is the beginning of- to recognize - then become curious about those parts of yourself.

[@kakashifight6907]

Not always parental neglect, sometimes it is genetics. My son has it, just like his mother and her brother. The boy was loved and cared for properly in every aspect, especially emotionally. He was aware of what he wanted and did not want starting with four month old and this characteristic remains with him till today. Stubborn, arrogant, friendly, loved and accepted, … and would never open up literally since four months old. I never heard him say I love you or I need you or can you help me. Silence and smiles are his motto.

[@TravisGoodman]

You are right it is NOT just parental neglect. Other factors such as biological, environmental, and societal can and do contribute. As another way of thinking about it too, one can still have a secure attachment wether your child "says" something or not. It is really about this sense of feeling safe, seen, soothed, and secure within relationships.

[@itsmelanieking]

Then he picked it up from his mother. You won’t know for sure unless you’re in a romantic relationship with one. He also could be on the spectrum and neurodivergent.

[@Sam-bc9ll]

This sounds just like me. I had a great childhood and a loving, attentive mom, but my dad was always absorbed in his work or interests and emotionally unavailable (5w6 if you follow the enneagram). I’m secure with my mom and older brother, but ANYONE else is held at arm’s length. I never speak unless spoken to in groups, distract myself in school and work with completing tasks, and even disappear behind a book when company comes. I’ve only ever had acquaintances (except a select few), and the idea of a romantic relationship makes me very uncomfortable. When someone is upset and needs comforting I have no idea what to do. Still, I’m aware of my own motivations and emotions-although I rarely act on them.

[@arianapadilla2426]

This made me tear up a little

[@TravisGoodman]

What hit you?

[@whocanitbenow13]

Me, too.

[@meisyani]

So, maybe this is why I don't want to rely on people and always wanting to keep distance from my friends. It's just so heavy to be close to my friends at school, which is why I always prefer school days off being at home and not hanging out with friends on those days off which is pretty weird if compared to how my friends love hanging out together a lot. Thanks a lot for this video :D

[@TravisGoodman]

Absolutely! It’s often a form of protection!

[@talaabueid6610]

On point. Can you please post a video explaining how to heal an avoidant attachment?

[@TravisGoodman]

Will do, working on some longer video's on each attachment style, plus a video on how to heal.

[@Sam-bc9ll]

It’s ironic that I’ve always said I wanted someone emotionally available, yet now I’m realizing I likely have an avoidant attachment style

[@TravisGoodman]

Which is what is needed most - someone there as a safe space - allowing for your emotions to be seen, heard, validated

[@lib.777]

How do I heal this because it FEELS impossible. Like why am I getting embarrassed and wanting to run away when a man shows affection to me but as soon as I get home and I’m “safe” I kick my feet and be like @omg he wanted me and he was so hot”

[@TravisGoodman]

Longer video coming SOON on this topic - be on the lookout!

[@mattnguyen1672]

I think I have this. Not from my parents but from a past relationship where she wasn’t open, or avoided talking thru things and so I learned that I had to avoid negative emotions to keep balance. So it becomes a pattern that leeched to my new relationship where I wouldn’t want to be proactive and avoid uncomfortable conversations. Me being selfish.

[@TravisGoodman]

Yes this can for sure occur in relationships outside of our parents. The question I would ask is what is the need right before you going to avoid and numb out?

[@Asher22222]

I wish I had known this before I became a parent. 😔 As a single parent, I pray I haven’t passed this on to my daughter, whose father died when she was very young.

[@TravisGoodman]

You should watch my interview with Dr Tina Bryson on the channel. Under the “live” tab on my page. We talk about building secure attachment. And more importantly she talks about “earned” secure attachment!

[@debbie678]

Wow..... it's like I told you my story 😢😮

[@TravisGoodman]

Blessings to you!

[@melaniegreen1311]

I am sure i have avoidant attachment. When i was a child my parents would argue then afterwards come to me like i was their therapist. I cried every time they fought and they ignored my emotions, but shared their emotions. I found out much later that is emotional parentification. I was told i was too emotional, and i learned to very independent, and unfortunately i am avoidant. I do not want to be a doormat and even though i want to be close to people i feel they are going to hurt me and take advantage.

[@TravisGoodman]

Sounds like you did what you needed to survive and keep going - makes sense your responses given theirs. Good news is since you know this you can heal! I just released part 1 of my attachment series on my main channel! Check it out!

[@SuperFacecloth]

I don't think it only happens in relation to our childhoods. It can be initiated by adult relationships as well. Always bringing it back to childhood can stop people from addressing the problem because they can't relate it to thier childhood.

[@TravisGoodman]

Absolutely correct - this is just a quick general overview of this attachment style - longer video incoming where I go more in depth!

[@haleyashwood6551]

You really didn't have to say my name that loud.

[@TravisGoodman]

SORRY!!! =)

[@TheTreisecelene]

Whoa..nailed it. You just described me 💯 in ways that therapists I saw for years never could. Wow..I gotta watch that on repeat.

[@TravisGoodman]

So glad this resonated and you feel seen =)

[@smithcityproductreviews1689]

I’m going through a break up with someone. Who’s fearful avoidant attachment, got triggered by threats from an ex partner going to jail. No signs of this at all for over a year. I’m doing a lot of research to understand this better and understand her better, as she seeks therapy. Thanks for the content.

[@TravisGoodman]

So sorry to hear that, sounds really difficult. Take care of yourself. A great book is called “Attached” on this subject!

[@smithcityproductreviews1689]

@@TravisGoodman working through my own emotions. I feel like I’ve abandoned her kids, but I also know that none of this is actually to do with me. So I just have to let therapy and time do it’s thing. If we are meant to come back together the universe will bring us back together, just the same way it did for us to randomly meet.

[@TravisGoodman]

@@smithcityproductreviews1689 As hard as that is sounds like you have a healthy and helpful perspective on things. Blessings on your journey of healing!

[@RaraAviss]

My parents gave me financial stability. They would take care of me but in the sense that my mom instead of reading for me before bed, she bought me a bunch of audiobooks on CDs so I could play them myself. I don’t remember them ever saying that they love me, they never hugged me. When I brought that up they say “don’t you know that? We built our whole life around you. Actions are more important than words”. I always kept my emotions to myself. And now I can’t date people. I don’t know how to show them affection. It stresses me out and I leave. I only feel relatively good alone, when I don’t have to consider other people in my plans and when nobody depends on me. Family, friends, partners..it all suffocates me. But I don’t want to be alone either. So it’s sucks

[@ayumisae6864]

I know the feeling…

[@amandamorrison5777]

I had to practice physical touch by trying it with my friend, neice and nephew. (In appropriate areas of course) I'm becoming more comfortable with it, and knowing that it's scientifically proven to be healthy for our mentality makes it worth it.

[@TravisGoodman]

Thank you for sharing! It sounds like what you were taught and how you survived was logic, was information, was reason. Your more emotional needs and side was left underdeveloped and not recognized, seen, or heard. It makes sense now why then you find it difficult to get in touch with that side of you and why you might resort to isolate and be alone emotional from others. It is kind of like going to the gym and then trying to lift the heaviest weight and then just leaving cause you see the impossibility of it all. I would recommend starting with just the bar (meaning start with just a small feeling). I would start by just paying attention to what you are feeling/thinking and labeling those feelings/thoughts as just feelings and thoughts. You could also do a high/low journal daily. Write down 1 high point, what happened and what emotions/feelings did it evoke. Then write about 1 low point, what happened and what emotions/feelings did it evoke. That is like lifting small weights - over time you can lift more.

[@melmel7011]

The problem is that I do not want to heal. Im comfortable this way

[@TravisGoodman]

Totally understandable. It is an adaptive response often to hurt/pain/trauma/etc. Why would I want to heal? What and how could that benefit me? Another question you can ask is what is not healing doing for me that is positive? What is that doing for me that is a drawback or possible con?

[@SuperSAIYAN_NumbeR6]

As an anxious attacher i need to work more on my left brain and then i will be a whole person thanks for the advice.

[@TravisGoodman]

Hey there! So the left/right brain thing is definitely an oversimplification. If you are more of the "anxious" type part of this is your survival brain kicking in. You are more stuck or "triggered" into your sympathetic state of your nervous system (i.e. the "flight" part of fight/flight). The best thing to begin to do when you find yourself in that state is to pause and take some slow deep breaths. You want to have a longer exhale with a shorter inhale (.e.g 4 seconds in 6 seconds out). This essentially communicates to your body, your brain, that it is okay, you can "calm" down and no need to be activated in the "sympathetic" state.

[@MXRX]

Pretty cool

[@TravisGoodman]

Thanks! Hope you found something helpful and useful?

[@MXRX]

@@TravisGoodmanI thought the left brain part was cool. I’ve tested as secure I just don’t have many close relationships so it can be hard to know where I stand with all this. But it’s cool to know how it works.

[@darlenemontgomery9337]

Thanks so much for this wonderful explanation. Yes. My DM is mostly left brained.

[@TravisGoodman]

You are so welcome!

[@irtypitedua]

It’s actually being in a military family that made me like that, moving so often really fucks up a kid

[@TravisGoodman]

Thank you for sharing your experience. Sounds like it was really lonely all that moving. I also come from a similar background, was a Navy brat and moved a bit when I was younger.

[@irtypitedua]

@@TravisGoodmanI was a coast guard brat, when I was younger I went months without talking to anyone, I was suicidal, and I only noticed how lonely I was when I made friends.

[@AmandaaLove]

I have this and also the anxious one

[@TravisGoodman]

This is common, we can have different attachment styles with different people.

[@AmandaaLove]

@@TravisGoodman 🤩 thanks for replying!

[@luisespinoza8391]

I gave up on others along time ago. The idea of healing is a dream that died years ago. Eternal slumber.

[@TravisGoodman]

Sorry to hear that - sounds like you have had some awful experiences

[@jhlfsc]

I would love to see research on Dismissive Avoidant attachment style and ADHD. I swear many of the emotional regulation symptoms match and I wonder if having ADHD can simply predispose a person to that attachment style regardless of their upbringing?🤔

[@TravisGoodman]

ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and avoidant attachment style are two distinct concepts, although they can sometimes overlap in their presentation and impact on an individual's life. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by difficulties with attention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. People with ADHD may struggle with maintaining focus, controlling impulses, and staying organized. This can lead to challenges in various areas of life, including academics, work, and relationships. Avoidant attachment style, on the other hand, is a pattern of relating to others that develops in early childhood and influences how individuals form and maintain relationships throughout their lives. People with an avoidant attachment style may have difficulty trusting others, avoiding emotional intimacy, and often prefer independence over relying on others for support. While individuals with ADHD may have difficulties in relationships due to symptoms such as impulsivity or inattention, these challenges are typically related to the symptoms of ADHD rather than an avoidant attachment style per se. However, it's possible for someone with ADHD to also have an avoidant attachment style, and vice versa, which can compound the challenges they face in social interactions and relationships.

[@jhlfsc]

@@TravisGoodman Wow, thank you for the excellent explanation. While you say it is of course since they are two separate conditions, it is possible that someone can have both ADHD and an a Dismissive Avoidant attachment style, but since you are born with ADHD, I wonder if the condition lends itself for that person to natually develop an avoidant attachment more so than a person not born with ADHD would?

[@aaabbhddgf]

“A dissociated victim may be able to tell their story in a disconnected way, but the truth of it cannot be known and integrated until it can be fully felt.” - Miriam Taylor. I can never understand is how are we supposed to be recounting childhood events. Full blown sobbing every single time? "These things happened" is more than enough. And I'm specifically referring to the concept of dissociation when telling someone about something that has happened. What are these people expecting?

[@TravisGoodman]

Agree we dont need to "recount" those events over and over and say them over and over - in some cases that can have adverse effects. I am trained in EMDR along with other Somatic practices - in these practices we are moving away from just "talking" about it - which is a top down approach meaning our brains - and we move into a bottom up approach - meaning engaging the bodily responses and emotional reactions along with our beliefs and allow for re-processing which is moving beyond just merely "talking" through it.

[@aaabbhddgf]

Thank you, I guess I just haven't had the opportunity yet to work with someone who is able to guide me with a more somatic approach.

[@AlejandraElisabet]

What’s interesting is my mom was the most loving, caring, nurturing individual known to man, I have a relaxed avoidant attachment style but not totally sure as to why.

[@TravisGoodman]

With her do you still “pull away” and shut down? Or are you able to engage with her? Here is also something interesting we can develop different attachment styles to different people.

[@TravisGoodman]

With her do you still “pull away” and shut down? Or are you able to engage with her? Here is also something interesting we can develop different attachment styles to different people.

[@AlejandraElisabet]

@@TravisGoodman it’s dependent on mood. If I’m angry or upset (it doesn’t have to be with her, just in general) I don’t speak with her and if I do (and I hate this part) I do lash out at times but on an average day I’m always kind and polite but I do have to like force myself to be affectionate (hugs etc) but I do have the ability to tell her I love her etc. maybe that’s the relaxed party rather than being “avoidant” avoidant. If that makes sense. I think there’s always a sense of distance with everyone in my life.

[@nickfudge2631]

Great advice

[@TravisGoodman]

Thanks!

[@5yogurt]

Oh snap.

[@TravisGoodman]

Meaning you relate to this?!

[@5yogurt]

@@TravisGoodman Perhaps.

[@mykahanderson9599]

i think it’s not talked about enough that caregiver include TEACHERS, if you had a teacher who was neglectful of ur needs that can happen too it’s not just ur parents.

[@TravisGoodman]

Absolutely - teachers wield tremendous power over us!

[@faith6809]

How to activate the emotional side of the brain?

[@TravisGoodman]

I will be talking more about this in an upcoming longer video - stay tuned!

[@sara_208]

What if you are an avoidant with supportive parents but a toxic sibling? I still tick all of the boxes

[@TravisGoodman]

I think we can have reactions to significant relationships in our lives. I would then explore how your parents responded to you when your sibling was “toxic” and your internalized messages/beliefs

[@sara_208]

@@TravisGoodman makes sense! Thanks!

[@svetikchum6988]

Can you expand on pulling away emotionally unrelated to conflict like like nothing was going wrong in the day like shut down in the deactivate

[@TravisGoodman]

It can be a few things. It could be a way of self preservation and survival. It could be overwhelm so a way of coping is to shut down and pull away. It also is a nervous system state of dorsal Vagal shutdown - again tied to a survival system state.

[@conniegreen615]

How do you activate the right side of your brain?

[@TravisGoodman]

I will be making a longer video on this - in short though, as you get into a place of pulling away or avoiding conflict - pause and ask and be curious about what you were just feeling/thinking right before you wanted to "pull away." Essentially what you are trying to do is engage with your emotions, your body - which is activating the "right side" of the brain (really activating a whole bunch more of your brain too but in the watered down terms the right side.)

[@Pinkyandthebrain290]

I’m this but also anxious. How can I begin to heal? Should I speak with my GP in the uk to explain and or get some diagnoses and clarity ?

[@TravisGoodman]

That can and totally does occur. There is a good book to start with called "Attached" by Amir Levine also the book "Love Sense" by Dr Sue Johnson. I would begin with that.

[@Pinkyandthebrain290]

@@TravisGoodman Hi. Thanks for replying. I have read attached. I’ll buy the other. However I do feel I can’t do this alone and it’s too overwhelming for me. Should I speak to a counsellor and we can work through challenging my thoughts or would it be my General Practitioner (GP) afterwards as I do have I’d say a phobia after experiencing emotional abuse. I’ve analysed my thoughts more and feel my blockage is heading into a relationship ship potentially the same thing may happen and then I worry about being trapped, loosing my sense of self and not coping. So it’s from a fear of this reoccurring.

[@texaslovelylady]

Where can I find the path for healing of this?

[@TravisGoodman]

Stay tuned I am releasing a video on that topic along with a deeper dive on each attachment style - I recorded them but the video was glitchy so I have to re-record and edit - stay tuned!

[@dinhaisunnysunny]

Please just provide the solution for it , steps to heal. Its too much to handle at times as person feels rejected by themselves

[@TravisGoodman]

I will do! Working on a longer form video on that. In the meantime check out my interview with Dr Tina Bryson where we explore on attachment here: kzbin.infom-_os8dSUhA?si=0JCLUgsPBHwvEgmx

[@profgoodyear2003]

I had an anxious attachment style that led my first partner to break up with me in a rather traumatic way. I am in my second relationship now and have an avoidant attachment style. Completely switched up

[@TravisGoodman]

Yes this can happen. We can vacillate between attachment styles. In fact, for example, you would have had a secure attachment style with your mother but then an avoidant one with your father. So it can happen where we switch dependent upon what relationship we are in.

[@The_NutritionChef]

Im like that. Ive usually been avoidant or secure to others in relationships but sometimes anxious if the other person is avoidant.

[@MonicaYearwoodResilientForLife]

❤

[@TravisGoodman]

❤️

[@user-kv3xv7hn6s]

My mum would always hug me as a kid.. I'm still scared to let people approach me, thinking they'll all just leave, cuz you can never trust anyone.

[@TravisGoodman]

fear of people leaving is a major reason I have heard from many people.

[@cherylthompson2731]

Like Mr Spock.

[@TravisGoodman]

Totally yeah!

[@chaii_latte]

I want to heal... What do?

[@TravisGoodman]

I will be releasing some videos just on this topic really soon. In the meantime a good book to start to understand some of this is this one right here: amzn.to/42vQs3N

[@SYETY-SohamSG]

Relationship one feels like 1/3 true and the childhood one. I wasn't abused or neglected but my social life was. Felt 2/3 true.

[@TravisGoodman]

Yes - thank you for sharing and how it fit/didnt fit with you. This short video was really more on the generalities of this attachment style - it was not an exhaustive conversation about the intricacies. You sharing I wanted to say is something that can and totally does occur where there may not be any "abuse" or "neglect" from parents but social life can have a major impact.

[@TravisGoodman]

Stay tuned for some longer videos that go into more detail on the channel!

[@SYETY-SohamSG]

@@TravisGoodman 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹

[@Redlipsgirly]

I recognize myself in avoidant attachment, but i dont think my parents are neglectful. Can avoidant attachment stem from later childhood?

[@TravisGoodman]

Totally. As we form other adult attachments we can learn to cope with distress by "pulling away" "shutting down" "avoiding conflict" as a means to stay connected and not make things worse.

[@chookitty5219]

Well shit this is what I have

[@TravisGoodman]

It starts with awareness!

[@ciara98208]

How do you deal with a man that has avoidance issues from a narc mother? 😊

[@TravisGoodman]

Firstly and most importantly with empathy and curiosity about his story. See how being “avoidant” as a child/teen was an adaptive survival response to his mother (and I’m sure other things too). When you model a secure base for him it does have an impact. Depending on his openness you can always read a book or suggest maybe therapy. There are some good accessible books on this topic. Let me know and I can share.

[@ciara98208]

@@TravisGoodman thank you but it gives him anxiety to discuss any part of that unfortunately and he just keeps a wall up whenever we touch on that subject 🥺

[@jessjms1181]

I think i became avoidant from friends in early childhood not being dependable

[@TravisGoodman]

Totally a common response to our caregivers not being dependable. Where did you find and seek comfort?

[@jessjms1181]

@@TravisGoodman my parents were very loving and gave me a lot of attention when I was a child being an only child. I could depend on my mum emotionally. I think it’s the fear of being rejected from friends that made me learn to shut down parts of my personality and not being able to trust that people like me. I’d rather walk away than be rejected. If I feel slightly this way, I will flee.

[@TravisGoodman]

@@jessjms1181 totally that can also occur to us esp with close friends where we can become hurt and harmed and have in a way emotional trauma/betrayal/etc.

[@monicatorres4686]

Ive realized that my attachment style has changed drastically due to my abusive relationship with my husband.. I don’t see that anyone has spoken on this.. Can i get some information on this or clarification if I am mistaken. Because, I feel that it can change .. I think I will have some challenges going back to having a secure attachment style again but I’m willing to do the work to get there.

[@TravisGoodman]

Absolutely this can and does happen. In my interview with Dr Tina Bryson she does talk about "earned" secure attachment (you can see it on my channel under the LIVE tab). I will be making another video on healing attachment wound as well expanding on that conversation.

[@finalbossoftheinternet6002]

It’s a superpower to me, I love it, wouldn’t change it, it’s like Gojo Saturo’s limitless … you can’t touch me 😂

[@TravisGoodman]

It definitely serves a protective purpose.

[@Perfumencigarettes]

Literally me running away all the time .

[@TravisGoodman]

What are you running away from?

[@prime5816]

How do we heal this ? Can a person be anxious and avoidant at the same time?

[@TravisGoodman]

Yes you can have different attachment types with different people in your life - we tend to have a more baseline attachment style in general. Yes you can heal for sure. Therapy can help, working on ID'ing the emotions driving you, ID"ing the needs you have, ID"ing the fears that might be driving you are also steps.

[@prime5816]

@@TravisGoodman thank u

[@Bill0102]

I'm motivated by the transformative essence of this material. A book with like content inspired change and growth. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint

[@TravisGoodman]

I will have to check it out!

[@_Stayup_]

Any online resources you know of for engaging the right hemisphere of the brain?

[@TravisGoodman]

Hello there, when I work with my clients. I first will have them learn to just notice when they are "avoiding" or "going numb" or "disconnecting/disassociating." So when you notice that take a few breaths and pause. Reflect and ask "what was I feeling, thinking, sensing RIGHT BEFORE I disconnected?" Keep a journal and begin to take notes and a record/log of when this is occurring. Essentially what you are doing will be strengthening that "muscle" so to speak of noticing and paying attention to your emotions and your body which is more RIGHT brained. Over time you will begin to be more in tune with your emotions. That is just the start, but a great place to begin!

[@_Stayup_]

@@TravisGoodman Thank you for replying back, i been working on recognizing my somatic responses this seems similar to that. Either way i will try this, i am sick of being a DA and not having intimate relationships.

[@TravisGoodman]

@@_Stayup_ there is a good book too called "attached" that you might find useful! Also a book called "Love Sense" by Dr Sue Johnson

[@_Stayup_]

@@TravisGoodman Looking into getting them now. Thank you for the recommendations.

[@TravisGoodman]

@@_Stayup_ I will be making some longer videos on these topics with some other helpful links and resources!

[@1224polo]

Most of DAs they are not aware that they have this problem

[@TravisGoodman]

I do agree and would say that most of us initially are not consciously aware of our style. Main reason is because this has simply become our way of surviving and navigating in relationships.

[@okay5513]

how to heal, so long waitlist + no diagnosis

[@TravisGoodman]

there are various ways we can begin a journey of healing - stay tuned to channel for some more videos on this topic!

[@wpxxfighting3837]

Thank you for this. This made me cry so bad. Probably triggered my childhood memories and traumas. Good to know this about myself.

[@TravisGoodman]

Sometimes a good cry can be so cathartic! It sounds like it might have touched a hurt place. Blessings to you today!

[@Maya-fi4dm]

The left side right side of the brain was a very old theory that was proven false. The rest of your words are very true though. Really resonated with me and unfortunately ticked all the boxes

[@TravisGoodman]

You are totally correct on the brain science; it really is just an oversimplification of brain functions, in this 60 seconds I chose that route just for sake of time.

[@Maya-fi4dm]

@@TravisGoodman fair 👍

[@TravisGoodman]

@@Maya-fi4dm Also I just had a podcast conversation with an expert in the field on how to build a secure attachment. I will also be releasing other longform videos on each of the insecure attachment types where I go more in depth vs just a quick 60 second trailer!

[@jenniferteacher449]

Don't forget perceived

[@TravisGoodman]

Yes that too - perceived also plays a role!

[@svetikchum6988]

How about if there is no conflict and the person business that's the part that confuses me

[@TravisGoodman]

To clarify are you asking that if there is "no conflict" in the family how does one have an avoidance attachment style?

[@jenster29]

​@@TravisGoodmani think they are asking.. if there is no current conflict to back away from, why do they still become distant and cold? As the other partner, it can become very confusing trying to track back what caused it this time

[@svetikchum6988]

@@TravisGoodman know what I'm asking is if there's not a triggering event or a conflict or anything like that in the relationship yet they like still shut down and deactivate what are some of the reasons for that

[@centrerandom5640]

Beautiful thank you, i know im avoident but I have no feelings for my family and I didn't know why. Makes sense

[@TravisGoodman]

Now that you have this awareness you can now become more aware when you "check out" or "numb out" - you can begin to be curious about what you were feeling/thinking/sensing before you "check out" "numb out" etc. This will then begin to take you deeper to your more core needs.

[@centrerandom5640]

My mum was not abusive but she never said I love u or hugged me. No emotion whatsoever

[@TravisGoodman]

Yes, the absence of love and affection can cause us to learn to avoid closeness as a means to survive.

[@clickbaitpolice9792]

This makes no sense to me. One should only reflect on the past with facts alone. “It’s never too late to heal”? I don’t get why this is something that requires healing. I don’t blindly trust others because people are inherently unpredictable. I rely on myself more because I have most control over myself. This is literally the only attachment style that makes sense. All this talk of emotions is just distractions from objectives. If you can advance then you’re fine

[@TravisGoodman]

To push back a little - what it sounds like is you have found a way of surviving in the world by relying more on self - distracting or avoiding emotions - to keep yourself advancing, moving forward, and staying safe?

[@nuez23747]

I became after repeating sexual and verbal abuse. Ots not allfrom childhood. I bet some over 40 women have that from narcissistic exes

[@TravisGoodman]

Absolutely this can happen for sure, later in life, sounds like it became a way of survival for you!

[@jennapowell2278]

But I really don't like having emotions though.

[@TravisGoodman]

What about them do you not like?

[@jennapowell2278]

@@TravisGoodman just feels like chaos and I need to feel in control

[@DianaRamirez-sm5nx]

Dam..💀I think that's me

[@TravisGoodman]

Blessings to you - it is something you can begin to shift starting with awareness!

[@chaoschaos-oy7qo]

Ahh yes, if you emotionally distance yourself while in an altercation, that's not taking a step back to make sure no one does something they will regret, that's avoidance and trauma. ...What is gasslighting?

[@TravisGoodman]

Yes it can be both, it can be stepping away to regroup and collect yourself (your auto response could be trauma related for sure) and then re-engage; other times it is best to step away due to the nature of the relationship; and other times it becomes a more automatic response due to a lack of healthy relational model. It really depends on person to person!

[@JeffCirillo]

Maybe it has nothing to do with your upbringing, but has more to do with the fact that you're just smart?

[@TravisGoodman]

Tell me more?

[@Sugarsweetpopx]

@ my ex husband :(

[@TravisGoodman]

That is difficult.

[@ProductivityRunner]

The righ side left side brain thing is BS everyone knows this. Attachment styles are real tho.

[@TravisGoodman]

Yes I oversimplified the brain 🧠 we know it is more interconnected than that

[@Mari-lv1rd]

Healing does not always happen

[@TravisGoodman]

I am a firm believer that we can always grow and be on a path of healing. That might mean we are "healing" the rest of our lives and never come to a place where we "healed." Rather we are a daily work in progress. We journey through the peaks and valleys of life. In that we can find invaluable life giving information through our healing journey.

[@whocanitbenow13]

I don’t want a cure or treatment for this because I’ll become vulnerable. Without AAL, I truly won’t know who I am.

[@TravisGoodman]

I can see and understand that. It is what you have done to survive, it is what you know. You are correct in the sense you become more "vulnerable." Part of the healing work too includes cultivating relationships that are more safe and have the capacity for healthy vulnerability.

[@whocanitbenow13]

@@TravisGoodman You’re hitting the nail on the head about my survival instincts… the question is why would anyone want to receive treatment and does it benefit us if we do seek treatment? I’ve had this question circle in my head any times and I feel as if others would benefit, but not myself.

[@coltenkelso5764]

It’s even harder being a man with this attachment style. I get perceived as the “nice” guy all the time. I have a very difficult time dating since women typically expect men to be less emotional.

[@TravisGoodman]

Sorry to hear that. Also, that issue is def a more systemic issue that I have seen given that you are experiencing expecting men to be "less emotional" that is a systemic issue for sure. For men and women, there are no set standards of who is less or more emotional. We are all emotional beings and have different levels of emotional intelligence and expression. However, our society tends to put men in a man box where we are told to not feel, not show emotions, etc.. if we do we are viewed as weak, not manly, etc.

[@coltenkelso5764]

@@TravisGoodman it definitely is systemic. Appreciate your response. Just wanted to get another perspective on this attachment style.

[@TravisGoodman]

@@coltenkelso5764 It is def healable too. Really this attachment style is a way of coping with some sort of emotional/phsycial distancing or shutdown of sorts from parent or caregivers. Where avoiding the conflict was easier or the only way forward. So avoidance really is a way of saving the relationship. HOwever, long term it tends to create other issues in relationships since avoidance doesn't actually address the conflict or issues. So the path forward is about Identifying what you are feeling, what the issue is, prior to you "avoiding" and getting in touch with that part.

[@coltenkelso5764]

@@TravisGoodman yeah I don’t want to discuss personal details about it. But it definitely is due to past trauma. I’m working on myself though. More self awareness, self development etc. to boost my confidence.

[@TravisGoodman]

@@coltenkelso5764 Of course this is def not the space to go into detail, but I am glad you are getting help and working through it! Blessing on your journey of healing!

[@rupertperiwinkle4477]

Stop the music. Its distracting

[@TravisGoodman]

Thanks for watching 😀

[@GabrielleTollerson]

make your own videos then,damn. You don't get to tell him what to do or not to do in his own videos,it's called don't watch if you don't like it

[@rupertperiwinkle4477]

@@GabrielleTollerson I can give feedback. No one asked you to respond, damn.

[@ollis1270]

The hemisphere stuff is just factually wrong

[@TravisGoodman]

It’s more of an oversimplification due to the length of the short.

[@ollis1270]

@@TravisGoodman you could have gone with frontal part of the brain and avoid this nitpick.

[@TravisGoodman]

@@ollis1270 very true!

[@TravisGoodman]

@@Ikr2025 It is more that breaking down to just "left and right" brain an oversimplification of the brain.

[@natalibrunstein8387]

You are a therapist but you talk in "right and left hemisphere" ? This is embarrassing

[@TravisGoodman]

Thanks for you reply; I would love to hear more specifically what was embarrassing and/or if there is something you are needing clarity on?

[@nicholecornes1915]

Lol yes narcissist

[@TravisGoodman]

? Say more!

[@nicholecornes1915]

​@TravisGoodman my husband has these traits and I'm trying to understand... its been so painful for me!

[@obiwon1237]

Jimmy Neutron

[@TravisGoodman]

That was a great show!