What is Codependency? | Are you Codependent? - Terri Cole

[@sadiaarman363]

You give such useful indicators. 1) You' re always trying to fix the other person 2) Your worry about others is compulsive and comes at the expense of self- care. 3) You are focused on the needs of others. 4) Lack of safety breeds co- dependency. 5) Overfunctioning women find themselves in relationship with under- functioning men. 6) Your partner' s bad mood kills your good mood. 7) Always comparing yourself with others and feeling you are not good enough. 8) Blame yourself for someone else's life. 9) Can you actually listen.to what the other person is saying instead of becoming defensive and reactive? 10) Are you always trying to micro- manage and control situations and does that make you feel safe?

[@nsw_27]

This is the most thorough explanation and really helps me

[@terri_cole]

So glad it was helpful!

[@maryannerazzo1737]

Thank you, Terri. This explanation is the best I've heard ever. Makes so much sense. My dad was a chronic, angry alcoholic and always told me that I should be grateful that he provided me with the basic necessities. He was also a narcissist.

[@terri_cole]

Maryanne, I'm so glad to see you here (and in the Boundary Bootcamp Challenge!) I am happy to hear the vid provided some clarity for you. Thanks for being here ;)

[@Nancy-yw1rr]

My husband, a malignant narcissist (and a binge drinker), always tells me that I should be grateful I have a roof over my head and if it wasn't for him, I'd be living in a trailer park!

[@sunflower88639]

Hi Terri. I want you to know that your work dramatically affects people's lives. Understanding the true meaning of codependency is crucial, especially when dealing with loved ones. I can relate to your statement about how our parents' moods could affect us profoundly when we were children. Learning these terms can help us become better people and create a peaceful family environment. Keep up the great work!

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much for taking the time to let me know ❤️ I'm so glad my podcast is helpful for you!

[@cynthia-ray]

Stop following me around and spying on me Terri! Lol. You are spot on.

[@disiluzhund]

Thank you so much, Terri, for this clear and concise definition of codependency. I learned a valuable insight... reactivity. I often felt guilty after a conflict because I knew I was part of the reason emotions escalated and relationships were cut off or shortened. I was reacting to disrespect, reacting to abusive language, reacting to lies, reacting when I felt emotionally injured or unjustly treated or criticized. And when you pile that on top of the fact that you've given all your best to the lover, to the job, to the friend, that you have been too heavily invested in (codependent), the sense of injustice feels beyond overwhelming, like the universe is dead set against you. So my take-away is to practice being aware and on-guard for defensive posturing, to bite my tongue and let go of the impulse to be liked and understood and safe.

[@disiluzhund]

*****​ But is it possible to cease codependent behaviors with a fearful-avoidant partner and not make him think I no longer care about him? I've read that those who've enjoyed the pleasing that codependents do can become resentful and protest, and with a fearful-avoidant type, that can look like two withdrawn individuals. It's stressful being afraid of rejection while trying to be emotionally detached.

[@terri_cole]

Jul- You insight tells me that you have done much work in this area. There is def a way to stay lovingly connect to an fearful avoidant partner that is healthy. The question is can he handle it? I say be your healthiest self and let the chips fall where they may. Fearful avoidants can be hard to deal with because THEY are giving mixed signals a lot. They want to be close-then feel crowded. Keep up the amazing work, tho and for more support PS: Join us for a weekly live stream and ask me ANY questions We just launched our waiting list for The Real Love Revolution, lot's of free gifts and a free private Facebook Group ( just for women ) Click her to join for free: www.terricole.com/RLR

[@Champ1517-l1h]

I"m definitely co-dependant.... It's not only women.

[@elhadjdiallo7533]

Sean Champagne oh ok you better stop that now ok..... I don't mean to be vulgar ok..... White man I love you though ok....... I wish you well .....

[@r011ing_thunder6]

@@elhadjdiallo7533 what the fuck

[@Csb1289]

My dad is definitely codependant, it happens to many men. But only the bravest people can admit it and help thenselves. Good luck to you!

[@hailmuse]

it just happens a lot regardless, don't you love that no one ever seems to have enough love and support in childhoods ^^

[@jillarchi4920]

I've been realizing how much "family of origin" comes into play lately!

[@foxiefair123]

Their needs are to control you by fulfilling their need to be needed... and they pick you and have this grandiose idea that you need to be fixed, even though you don't. The target ends up being the one being used, honestly, if you don't ask for it to begin with.

[@nikiahota]

OMG You describe this soooooo well. When people would tell me that I was co-dependent, I didn't know what that meant. Thank you!

[@terri_cole]

Samantha- I am so happy the vid was helpful to you. Thank you for being here with me!

[@cap4526]

Thank you so much, this completely blew my mind. I have known I feel this way and function according to this criteria for years, but without knowing what it is. I have been trying to disengage from the patterns developed in my childhood. I think I have been successful so far at facing the possibility of rejection and taking romance a little less seriously, as opposed to diving into super serious, indefinite relationships with women, all of whom also had crazy family backgrounds. I especially felt the concept of the "hero child." I remember feeling personally responsible for maintaining the peace between everyone in my emotionally volatile, smothering, and manipulative family.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for your comment and sharing your experience here. There is so much amazing information out there for Adult Children of Alcoholics. I was also the hero child in my family so I know what you're talking about first hand. Keep up the good work! I'm so glad you're here!

[@t6f]

I really like the point that codependency goes both ways. Sometimes the over functioning person over focuses on the under functioning person.

[@terri_cole]

You bring up the most misunderstood part of the codependent dance! You are so right. No matter how you slice it each person in any relationship is exactly 50% of what is going on, no more and no less! Thank you for being here ;)

[@teresascalzo2490]

Thank you for this so true I'm heartbroken now 🙁 🙁🙁

[@terri_cole]

I hear you and I'm witnessing you with compassion.

[@cursedone2231]

This is unbelievable. I can't even begin to describe how helpful these videos have been to me. I watched your other videos on defensiveness and how I'm realizing that i mixed this with ex girlfriend who has bpd, it made for a very volatile situation because by controlling her behavior i felt like i could save her, and prevent hurt to her and myself. But this triggers that, and so creates this storm of codependency and bpd and this has been EYE OPENING for me. And then i got defensive, leading her to feel unheard and me justify why i did all the things i did in our relationship as being her fault and justifying things- which drove her mad. I have been binge listening to your videos today while working throughout the day and wow! You really are a holy grail. Your style of explaining is on par with my reception and understanding. Do you think you will be exploring ideas on how to not be codependent or the styles of relationships to avoid?

[@terri_cole]

❤️❤️❤️ To your question: I have a new book coming out in October all about high-functioning codependency and exploring the different ways it presents! I'll be talking more about it on my channel leading up to the release, but I do have tons of videos on codependency (which you're finding!) that may help in the meantime. ❤️ In case you haven't seen this one, it's about how to gently heal codependent relationships: kzbin.info/www/bejne/i3fShaWAa7WdisU and this one is about how being "helpful" is sometimes un-helpful: kzbin.info/www/bejne/anOnYqupZqyfmLs

[@beverlyhogan3682]

As always, excellent content and encouraging empowerment. Thank you.

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much, Beverly ❤️

[@piarosado8421]

gracias, gracias gracias....for your voice, your dedication and for sharing your wisdom.... it is a light on the dark path...!! and hell yes, sadly I am a codependent....but in recovery.. much thanks to you!!!

[@basilaydyingm7506]

I'm so codependent it's crazy! Working on it now with your help

[@saidfarid6382]

Hello dear teacher Thank you so much for your intersting and amazing lessons,i really appreciate your job.I wish you peace and happiness under the sky of prosperity. Take care and have a good time. All the best. Your Student from Algeria

[@terri_cole]

Thank you so much, Said ❤️ Glad you're enjoying my content!

[@beckcubeor]

I need to watch this and take it in without crying. You've mostly just described my life 😔

[@terri_cole]

I'm holding space for you. Crying is a release. It is ok to let it out and let it go.

[@rebeccastahle4521]

I realize I'm codependent. I try to control my children's environment so I can feel safe for them. I try to rush in to help others. I have a difficult time saying no & I fear being smoothered....& end up in unhealthy relationships. I feel others emotions & do walk on egg shells but at the same time try to be the one who has control. I'm a people pleaser.

[@terri_cole]

Rebecca, Thanks for you comment. Awareness is the first step to transformation. Knowledge is the next so keep exploring why you are the way you so you can choose to be different (this way is so exhausting!) xo

[@elhadjdiallo7533]

Rebecca Stahle if you're a folks pleaser you better stop it now before it's too late ok.... I wish you baby

[@bethbartlett5692]

Its exhausting - isn't it? You can enjoy the simple treats of relationships for being preoccupied with ALL the details. Find yourself being a withholder of self emotion in certain relationships and then there's the Empath - knowing when people are trying to manipulate you and blow smoke up your rear. Get a therapist that specializes in CPD - and free yourself while you're young. Balanced Self Love (Required to love yourself - odd as it feels - it is normal) ❤

[@ezazkhan4233]

yes

[@DavidVoxCoaching]

Extremely important video. Thank you so much Terri Cole! #codependency #love #selfllove

[@terri_cole]

David, Thank you for the kind words. I'm so grateful you are here with me.

[@godzillamanstreb524]

Thank you Terri......like Dr Sam says “you have to be brutally healthy “ to have healthy relationships - you are very compassionate 🌼💓

[@terri_cole]

Aw thanks so much for saying so.

[@tarynrothstein177]

So insightful! I've had issues with codependency for years and couldn't quite explain what was happening. Loved this!

[@terri_cole]

Taryn, Thanks for your comment and I'm so happy this vid resonated with you! Keep up the good work and thank you for being here.

[@VintageJunker]

Thanks Terri, This video was a wonderful presentation, and I've seen a lot of them. I've been 10 plus months out of a codependent relationship with a covert narcissist. I've been intensely involved in youtube therapy and reading recovery books educating myself. The quality here is excellent with lot's of good points. Thank you

[@terri_cole]

Thanks for saying so Dawson. Keep up the good work. I'm grateful you're here.

[@debspickersgill4309]

Thank you for sharing this. Describes me or my world and childhood to a tea - chaos! Doubled with that I have male narcissists in my family as well - so i fit into that duality it seems. thank you again Terri. x

[@terri_cole]

I am so glad you found it helpful, Debs xo

[@rinoanniebern4098]

holy shit. Terri, you are good . thank you for making this video. my eyes are wide open. wow

[@terri_cole]

So happy to hear it, Andrea!!

[@Irenemunoz5]

Omg I love you. You’ve explained so thoroughly. I now understand why I always am preocuppied with what my husband is thinking… literally … or what he’s doing or trying to fix

[@terri_cole]

I'm so glad this resonated for you! ❤️

[@jenquinn7648]

Hi Terri, I'm new to your channel, but I have to tell you how much I appreciate this video. I just recently discovered how codependent I am and so I'm working towards overcoming it. My codependent symptoms are: exaggerated fear of abandonment, need to know everything my husband is up to, cancelling plans with friends when I hear what his plans are (then I try ton invite myself to tag along with him) and lots of jealousy. I struggle with the idea though, that I need to leave my 16 relationship to focus on myself. We've chosen to enter therapy together, so I hope it helps us.

[@jenquinn7648]

Thanks for the reply. Great advice. I'll try to find a therapist who is experienced in dealing with codependency.

[@Mary-kv2hv]

Thank you...I am the poster child for this dysfunction. I will be tuning in!

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for being here! I hear you and I see you, mama.

[@claudiasbarra1882]

Thank you so much Terry, so good explained.I now can feel love for my inner child .God bless you ♥

[@lauralawyer9886]

As an LCSW, I love to hear how others share this info! Thank you!

[@terri_cole]

Thanks, Laura! So glad you found your way here!

[@kirstenwilliams9246]

Thank you so much for this video! I have come a long way in knowing myself but I can still see some of these symptoms in me. I want to have healthy and fulfilling relationships and for this reason I strive to change my thought processes.

[@guitarsz]

You rock Terri, thank you!

[@777Asta777]

Frustrated is not even the word, I feel doomed. Left the relationship before and came back to it after few months. Its been 14 years now... How do I get out and what will be left of me, how to put yourself together after this and not repeat same mistakes or attract similar people into your life once again? Overwhelmed by fear, stuck in a mud :'(

[@terri_cole]

First step is making a plan to leave. I did a video on how to safely leave an abusive or unhealthy and controlling relationship. Your safety is top priority. Watch the vid, make a plan and take action. You can do it, you deserve to be FREE and to have healthy love but that an't happen if you don't leave the unhealthy relationship. I am cheering you on, pal! Don't give up please.

[@bethbartlett5692]

Balanced self love 🔑

[@HealthyIma5]

Wow. Never heard codependency described like this. Eye opening!

[@terri_cole]

Thanks for saying so, pal. I'm so glad you're here!

[@Carpenter93]

This has been incredibly helpful. Thank you so much!

[@terri_cole]

You are so welcome, Patrick!

[@hrssoni]

Thank you so much Terri for doing this video. It's mind opening #selflove

[@terri_cole]

Yes yes yes to #selflove my friend!

[@rimtj5525]

I.just loved your Aura and southing voice 😊

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for saying so, beauty!

[@jadetaylor2443]

Terri Cole Real Love Revolution very beautiful looks like a young Lauren Becall

[@StandupGirl-ym3ey]

It's hard to find a therapist who understands codependency and narcissistic disorders! I absolutely hate that I am the way that I am! It sucks ! You just described me ! My dad is an alcoholic! My mom is a narcissist! I've felt like I've had to parent my parents! I hate not feeling normal! Like I don't even know how I'm supposed to be! What's normal? What's healthy? This thing has turned my whole world upside down! If I could hide under a rock, I would! Smh I didn't ask for this! It's depressing just learning about this...about me!

[@terri_cole]

I feel you, Alethea. Perhaps you can re-frame what you are learning as a way to become empowered. You are correct you din't ask for any of it but it is here none the less. Please focus on learning as much as you can about being the daughter of a narc and codependency as this will lead to your liberation. I am cheering you on.

[@choochietrixie9352]

Me! Childhood of pain and violence. NEVER SAFE. Bitten, beaten, used by mother to protect & attack drunk father’s brawls. Protected the other 3 kids from everyone at home & at school. Terminal now & shut in with 3 needy, lazy, family members. Praying 🙏🏽 I get a few weeks of being awake fully

[@feliciaanjelicamurphy8059]

Charles Hobbins praying for you and a peace that passes all understanding.

[@periswanjiru3893]

I have been wondering for the longest time what my problem is.I am so happy I found this and the other video on why co-dependent people are in relationships with narcissists . Because you literally described me.I am co-dependent and I got to understand why. my childhood was characterized by fear because of a drunk violent father. I am in a relationship with a covert narcissistic.

[@terri_cole]

Yes, there is freedom in having a name for your experiences. I am sending you such strength and compassion.

[@shanicef.2522]

This is such an eye opener. Thanks Terri! ❤

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome.

[@julia912d5]

This was very helpful! Thank you so much for your videos!

[@emilyblue35]

Tea with terry made me laugh out loud

[@stephaniemcphail2693]

Thank you so much for sharing this great info! As a transformational life coach who specializes in helping women create their best lives after toxic relationships I am all too well aware of how big of an issue this is! Thank you!

[@terri_cole]

Thank you for watching!

[@medinalake6074]

Thank you so much for breaking this down.

[@abbyjohnson776]

I just love all of these videos. I wish I could see you in person.

[@terri_cole]

thank you!! I don't know where you live, but this fall I will be teaching in the Berkshires at Kripalu kripalu.org/presenters-programs/boundary-boot-camp-women-transform-your-life-and-relationships. Maybe I will see you there!

[@gabbievillagran2213]

Thank you. I’m 39 years old mother of 5. Married to a narcissist husband, I’m the sole provider for this home family. Your videos are my daily tools to finally end this marriage The problem is me and my codependency to him due to my traumatic childhood abuse thank you thank you

[@laurincutchember2113]

This video resignated with me a lot! My fiancé mom is over weight and is bed-written by choice. She cries and guilts him when he isn't able or does not want to do things for her because she does not want to do anything for herself.

[@fabighhggkathi996]

Well yes with no doubt very clearly n only today I get to know the name of my character

[@choochietrixie9352]

Things are not normal and I quit denying but I am running out of time darn it!

[@brendadrew834]

Excellent talk, can relate 100 percent! Therapists have said though that this is more prevalent in women though and I believe it and I think we can all see it throughout history and not just today here and in Europe! Part of the problem is a patriarchal society of male entitlement and I think the patriarchal religions of the world like Christianity, Judaism and Islam help perpetrate this! Because women raised in those religions are taught/influenced/brainwashed into thinking that everyone esp the man comes first! To put yourself aside for the good of everyone else or you're selfish! And in the Judeo-Christian culture a woman is raised to believe that she's only half a human and once she's married she's whole and they become one! And that one is the man for the most part since she drops her name, taking on his identity and is raised to think of him as her " better half"! Been there,done that for 42 years until death did us part and he was diagnosed by a family therapist as a malignant narc, real "Dr. Jekyll/Mr Hyde" sociopath/psychopath like my late father was! The paradigm in my head I was addicted to along with other malignant narcs in my life, friends. I was disowned and disinherited along with my older brother who suffered from a mental illness and alcoholism and that in itself leaves one feeling they don't belong and that they're not worth anything! Been in therapy for this and also Al-anon helps with co-dependency issues as well! "Love IS blind"...no truer words were ever spoken! Thanks for the info! Helps on my recovery journey from NARC abuse which is epidemic worldwide, much more than most people realize! Now we have the biggest one ever in the Oval Office and Melania is just another one of his co-dependent wives! The "unMerry Wives of Washington"!! There have been numerous First Ladies like that and Elizabeth Edwards was another one who bent over backwards for her malignant NARC /sociopathic " Mr.Charming" husband to the point that it made her sick with cancer! She was hellbent on giving him more children just at a time her body was starting to close down and then the allopathic greedy doctors plied her body with excess estrogen so she could conceive and that gave her the breast cancer! imho

[@julieyoung8259]

Such a great video, great introduction to codependency. Thank you! How does one get to the age of 55 and realize how co-dependent they have been? Better late then never! I'm ready to be free of this ball and chain and will pursue the journey for freedom as long as it takes.

[@kinseydawn2920]

What a nice find this channel is.

[@owinongutwa]

Wow, just described me,it's time to step up into my power!

[@Joyfulcreations144]

Thank you for this video!

[@Yvonne88]

Brilliant video Terri. Loved learning more about codependency. Helpful for my fiction writing actually ;) Helpful for relationships too of course xx

[@terri_cole]

Thanks Yvonne! For more support please join us for a weekly live stream and ask me ANY questions We just launched our waiting list for The Real Love Revolution, lot's of free gifts and a free private Facebook Group ( just for women ) Click her to join for free: www.terricole.com/RLR

[@saraheshetu6385]

I just found your videos not sure how but I'm trying to fix myself and my marriage and ty so much 💓 I've needed to hear alot of these 😮 I been a horrible person 😢

[@terri_cole]

I am witnessing you with compassion, Sarah ❤️ Glad you found your way here!

[@BeautifulMorning-hx4my]

Thank you for Sharing. And I also would like to add if you don't mind that you have the most beautiful blue eyes I have Ever seen. Great video!☺

[@terri_cole]

Thank you!

[@erikasolis14]

Wow. She's GOOD.

[@terri_cole]

She thanks you, Erika ;)

[@Borboleta1212]

I often worry that if I’m not constantly going “all out “ to make others that I know feel good, particularly those with mood disorders or depressive/suicidal tendencies , that they will harm themselves due to my lack of vigilance and attention.

[@vincognito7942]

I was a really codependent in the past. I still am dependant now but it manifest differently with my current partner. Also, I feel very lonely because our dysfunctional communication, he doesn't understand me or support my feelings, but then again neither do I to myself. Im very reactive cause I feel attacked, I do try to listen yet I feel they are not open to other views. I fear abandonnement AND being smothered. I tend to try to provoque abandonment cause the thoughts going through my head now is that I am a huge part of the problem and won't be able to be happy in a relationship. im kinda lost at the moment.

[@ashleyelizabeth90]

you pretty much described me 😳

[@terri_cole]

Ashley, Then I guess you are in the right place! For more support PS please join us for a weekly live stream and ask me ANY questions We just launched our waiting list for The Real Love Revolution, lot's of free gifts and a free private Facebook Group ( just for women ) Click her to join for free: www.terricole.com/RLR

[@sabreena1khalick]

Terri Cole Real Love Revolution You're description of a chaotic home so accurately described my childhood home. It was painful for me to hear what you said. Even after years of grief work, I almost cried while listening. 😭. Thankfully, I'm healing now. Your videos are helping me a lot. Thanks Terri.x.

[@Mary-kv2hv]

Genius! Terri you have the gift!

[@nohanona7187]

I think I was very codependent in the past.. But after listening to people like eckhart tolle and Deepak.. My self steam increases very much which decreases these feelings and actions very much. I'm grateful for you for these important information. I know too much about myself and offcourse there are things I have to work on. Thanks 🙂

[@louiseroman1145]

Hi Terri, I've been enjoying and learning from your videos, thanks! Codependents seem to share some traits with BPDs, never thought about that prior.

[@terri_cole]

I'm glad it's resonating!!

[@anne-mariekruijt3545]

I wish we had a therapist like you in my hometown, over here no one knows what CD means, can get proper help.

[@cathyschlesinger1345]

Thank you terri, so helpful

[@victoriastallard]

I am a co-dependent & really wish I wasn't. I want to change my co-dependent ways. Thank you so much for this video Terri Cole :) I love it :)

[@terri_cole]

You're welcome. Change is always possible and you are capable of healing and having healthy love. Cheering you on from New York!

[@jay-s9y1c]

Another brilliant video by the incomparable Terri Cole...

[@terri_cole]

Aw, thank you so much mama!

[@kre8iveingenuity228]

Yes Please: I wish you'd do video's on boundaries, as I could use it.

[@mariamkinen8036]

No. Kim W put it so spot on concerning an old couple's need to be with the one that they had known all of their lives . Check it out. It's true.

[@johnnyb8825]

Sometimes I struggle with the concept of "boundaries" between me and others, because I'm of the belief that we're all interconnected. I've heard that codependence and interdependence are two different things but I struggle with understanding the difference.

[@terri_cole]

You are not alone with your confusion, Johnny. I agree with you that we are all connected, energetically. Boundaries are all about personally knowing and being able to express what is OK and not OK with you. I will be recording a video about this topic and posting it within the next few weeks (thanks for the inspiration) so keep your eyes peeled for it! Thanks for your comment ;)

[@gwendollyn1002]

Terri, you make brilliant videos and I learn a lot from them. Could I ask you to make a video on the topic: Can a codependent actually become narcissistic? I suspect my mother was such a codependent who little by little absorbed more and more narcissistic traits of my father who was a malignant narcissist. She showed many traits so typical for narcissists: very controlling and bossy behaviours, emotionally unavailable, no empathy, everything had to be done in the style "My way or the highway" and on her terms, extremely critical of me and other people ( nobody could do anything well and properly - only she could), obsessed with perfectionism. She treated me like a small child no matter whether I was 5, 15 or 50, I was not allowed to have my own plans, opinions, boundaries or wishes; only those which appealed to my mother were tolerated and even supported ( language courses or sporting activities for instance). I think she did it in order to look like a good and supportive mother in public. My emotions, feelings or dreams did not matter, I was groomed and shaped so that I would fit in my mother´s image of the perfect daughter. I had to be totally obedient and subordinated, or there was a big fight and name calling ( "You are just like your father!", " Why do you always act like your dad??" ) As a child and a young woman I experienced a lot of cold shoulders whenever I did not comply or made a mistake and stonewalling, even physical abuse when she hit me on the head with a cloth several times, but only behind the closed doors. In public I was the golden child to show off, in front of other people my mother was very proud of me and my accomplishments. She was unpredictable, moody and I was afraid of her; always walking on eggshells around her never sure what might set her off or upset her ( I believe this was the cause of my incredible anxiety when being around her) However, I still think she was not a narcissist. She spent 40 years with my narcissistic father, there were always fights and arguments about everything between them - money, my father´s late arrivals from work, lack of help at home, etc. But, on the other hand my mother was incredibly reliable and serious, never ever broke even one single promise, always ready to help and take care of me and other people ( on her terms, of course- I had to listen to lectures and endless critical remarks like " If you had/had not done this, now you would not be in such situation", " If you had been more sensible, this would not have happened to you" etc., but then she always bailed me out) . She was a frugal person and generous with money both to me and her numerous friends, always loved to prepare nice surprises and gifts for all her loved ones ( even my father whom she hated) and when she died I was surprised to find out she had left me a decent amount of money in the bank. She had a large group of friends who liked her and got on with her very well for 40,50, sometimes 60 years. She loved animals and always had a few dogs which she took perfect care of and had a lot of sympathy for ill-treated or abused pets. She was a very good employee, neighbour and colleague. In my opinion she worked hard all her life to build an image of the perfect wife, daughter, mother and caretaker, the perfect employee, colleague, friend and neighbour. I know she was obsessed with how other people view her and our family, this was the driving force in her life. When my father died, her narcissistic behviours started worsening and in the end I limited my contacts with her to a bare minimum which she could hardly accept . I was blamed for being uncaring, disinterested in her own mother´s fate, accused of being just like my dad. She could not communicate in a normal, healthy way. But I knew I had to do it in the sake of keeping my own sanity, otherwise I would have ended up in a mental hospital. My question is : is it possible for a codependent to absorb and catch such severe narcissistic traits? I suspect there are many viewers with similar past experiences who would definitely appreciate a video on this topic :-)

[@pachamamajeanne]

This is brilliant!

[@lutherwhitaker905]

Hi Teri, I'm in a 12 step CODA class now working the step and I know that I'm codependent. I'm struggling to identify if the relationship I'm in is Codependent. My wife is very quiet and withdrawn at times. She doesn't show many emotions at all and I crave for to show any kinda passion. She very gets really happy, sad, or angry. I have started to try and remove myself from some of the situations with her because its like I'm begging and doing all that i know how to do so she can love me, hug me,give me any kind of emotions. I want to feel her love. I think she has a better relationship with GOD than i do and that is one of the reasons I'm scared to leave her ( i know that i have to form my own relationship) but I mention her relationship with GOD because she promotes it a lot and point out my wrongs. According to the God we serve we are both doing a lot of wrong. She and her whole family is undoubtedly lazy (her sister and mom keep a dirty house. Me and my wife fight about this a lot), and unmotivated to reach for her goals and I am just the opposite. I don't sleep with her any more because i don't want to keep getting my feelings hurt expecting her to have sex with me. During the holidays like Christmas I'm big on family and holidays. She is usually putting the tree up a couple days before christmas and I have to kinda push her to decorate. I tell our son all the time I love him and hug him as well. I'm judging but i think women are more nurturing but she is not vocal about her love for him as well. I don't know what to do. Im just moved out and i feel like im looking for water and she is a well but she is dry. Her faith is greater than mine but i keep expecting her to start going after her dreams and to making a clean home a priority but it doesn't ever happen. The things that is bringing our relationship to a breaking point is that our son is 15 and as i set rules to make him to not be lazy and responsible she enables him to not follow the rules because when he breaks the rules she don't enforce discipline she just say it will be OK. During conversations she often tell me how i should or shouldn't feel. Please give me your opinion and i know i have been trying to control her for a long time and lately i haven't and it hurts that she doesn't love me like i want to be love. Please Please give me you opinion. Am I wanting an unhealthy relationship or do we have a co pendent relationship . What is her role? What is my role? Please help im trying to be a good father to my son. Thank you! I really admire that you responded to all the other comments thank you so much?

[@Gallierification]

Oh this has so many spectrums it's not black and white. I'm a natural nurturing person to the fault of not looking after myself while a partner gaslights me into thinking I'm Borderline and I've been assessed as not by a psychiatrist. So glad he broke up with me over a holiday. I'm ready to not be neglected any more.

[@fistofthenorthstar5714]

I ab love this lady! Thank you

[@borisbeverton5998]

@ 16:42 "You need a guide." What? That right there is codependency! Oh lordy.

[@caleuxx9108]

Such a great description. I more overfunction and my husband functions less over all. What is funny, is that in his relationships with his friends, he is the overfunctioner - he takes more care of the friendships than his male friends. I am definitely the overfunctioning child from my family of origin - mom schizofrenic, father permanently angry self-centered money oriented narcissist, who made my brother into the scapegoat (brother was constantly criticized no matter how hard he tried, so he became the underfunctioner and now as an adult, being extremely intelligent, he gets by without making much of an effort and calls everyone else perfectionistic)...

[@123lovevg]

Hello Terri, I'm an avid fan of your Love Revolution stuff and found your videos and podcasts immensely helpful in understanding done of my stuff Over the last 2 years when I felt very scared and alone - I recently hot triggered and came to the realisation that if I do the deep dive - mine touches on the "Parentified child aspect" / caregiver element that often plays out in codependency too - please could you do an episode on this as I'm still missing heaps of pieces to this here particular puzzle and as the number of adults who between the ages of 4-18 were addressed that gave care to an adult in their life in varying degrees were counted up - that's a whole lotta people whose stuff you'd be touching on and speaking to xxx. Many thanks in advance - Love IAM - ✨💜🙏🏾✨ ( a healing survivor of complex trauma)

[@jewishjasminetea811]

I was in a codependent relationship for a long time, as the high functioning controlling female role. He broke up with me a week ago, it feels like I have no air I don't even know how to function. All I want is to have him back, after all the terrible things hes done to me I would still do anything just to get him back and I cant think I cant eat I cant sleep I'm completely lost it feels like i'll never be happy again. I just want this to stop i'm so tired of crying its all I do.

[@terri_cole]

I'm sorry you're in pain Jasmine. Please get into therapy instead of trying to get back into an abusive relationship. In the long run you will be much happier mama xo

[@vfree4579]

Hi Terry I like your comment on codependency. This is my issue I seem to attract friendships with women who appear fine at first by the time the relationship progress it's slowly gradually slides down into someone who wants to do all the talking and appears to be selfish. By the way way I am empath by the time I listen to all what they have said it's time for them to go. I know you cannot change people how do you suggest that I handle that type of situation? I really do want to attract healthier friendships.

[@MrBlik-ky3cw]

I have this thing where I want to take on their troubles, while I gain more information on them. I feel that if I stock up on people's secrets I will be safe if they try to betray me. I want them to need me without me needing them, is that codependency?

[@sigco1019]

I am codependent. I don't have friends, I have best friends. I am always in their faces helping out 24/7 and it's hard for me to say no to anything and I often feel used but I can't help it. Anytime they don't need me or dont tell me about something in their lives i feel rejected.

[@shylocie595]

Every symptom of codependency she listed I have. I am tired of being a doormat and afraid to feel anger and loneliness .

[@terri_cole]

Better to feel anger and loneliness on your way to a healthier way of being in relationships than feeling used and abused. I'm so happy you are here with me. Just keep at it my friend.

[@elizabethruprecht4891]

I am 100% codependent. Found out today...18m and 44s ago. (Thanks.) I also watched your video on codependents and narcissists. I am wondering if you can share your thoughts on my situation... I am in a relationship with a guy who definitely exhibits signs of codependency too, but he is the under-doer person. I give the "life talks." (Now I know this actually does not help and I will focus all that energy to take care of myself...) But, he does some other things. After the denial, (a lot of fear) of saying something, doing something etc., he gaslights me really bad. About 10m-1 day later, he promptly apologizes and seems to genuinely feel very bad. Which throws him in a cycle of fear, of repeating these actions, and then the denial and gaslighting come again etc. Meanwhile, I do point out what is going on. I exhibit most of the traits, but not all of them. I do stand up for my boundaries in some ways, and I do tell him how I feel. All this being said, I'm confused if I'm being narcissistic, if he is, or if both of us are codependent, and there are some narcissistic qualities getting thrown in the mix. Thank you so much for educating YouRube about this. I appreciate you, immensely.

[@runwiththewind3281]

Thank you for helping me

[@Borboleta1212]

Hi Terri, this describes me so well , although not the dysfunctional family bit. Can being a HSP/ Empath result in being a co-dependent? I had a very stable and loving upbringing, but I’ve always been extremely sensitive and take on others issues and emotions like they are my own, which can sometimes result in physical, as well as mental unhealth.

[@erikarathjen1382]

I think I know what's wrong with me now. Hit home so hard.

[@terri_cole]

Erika, I hope it is helpful, mama! xo

[@camilivel]

How do I CUT WITH and totally stop CARING = feeling ANXIOUS for the lives and destinies of my GRAND PARENTS, PARENTS and SIBLINGS ????

[@mimikaro3723]

Wooow that sentence: the adult is very unhealthy and the kid is constantly trying to make themselves safe

[@johnnyb8825]

Can codependency also mean obsessively worrying about what another person thinks of you, or obsessively worrying that something you've said or done could be interpreted negatively by them? This could be someone you're in a romantic relationship with, or someone you're romantically interested in even if you're not in a relationship. Could also be more than one person.

[@terri_cole]

yes and yes

[@mariehatton6268]

I think this is very broad...however I agree some children are impacted by dysfunctional family.

[@riulia4908]

I don’t think the root of my problem was my parents at all they weren’t abusive or addicts. I think it was about me being adopted. It flourished when I started dating. In almost every relationship I’ve had I’ve been cheated on, left for other girls and used. The icing on the cake was being used to get someone’s ex back. Since then I think my co dependency is at its worse. My trust is gone and I feel like I have to control things I’m not certain of. I don’t try to fix people I just have the urge to please and be accepted and to not be abandoned again.

[@terri_cole]

Witnessing you and your story Chayton. What you are experiencing is very common, you are not alone.

[@evannacamille9819]

One time .. I was asked to be the leader to teach my classmates to dance because they found out I was good, and I switched with other classmate that is also good because I know I can't lead. I always let poeple first and always let them laugh at me because in my mind I'm really funny. I never really felt sincere of what emotions I show to others. I always want to find who I really am.. because my family always compare me to others so I tried to be like them. I never had the chance to talk to my parents about being sad for NO reason. Also one time someone told me he likes me, instead of saying thank you or anything of acceptance. I asked "Why?". I mever show my tears to othera because I thought they may think I'm just being dramatic like my parents say when I was younger. I cried before cause they said from my back, that my cousin is better than me, that I'm a bad little girl. I never say no directly to others, even if I did I'll take it back after a few seconds. So is this called being codependent? What the hell? I always thought I'm really just being selfish, because they said I am. I always pray for the people on the world to be safe and after that my simple wishes. Cause I really don't feel important.

[@hhj88k26]

as bad as this sounds, I think with every relationship, approached self love and love in general , this will make a more peaceful transition for both parties involved then getting angry at the people that have codependency

[@terri_cole]

I agree that love and understanding is a better way to handle all situations than anger. Thank yo for your comment and for being here.

[@gab3963]

I feel so shitty because I am super needy. I wasn't always like this, my boyfriend broke up with me before and now I'm just disgusted. I just can't relax.

[@terri_cole]

You can learn to fulfill many of your own needs, Gabbie. Perhaps seek out the help of a therapist to work on raising your self esteem. You can do it. I am so glad you are here.

[@Paris-pg9lb]

Wow needed this video. So informative. Everything makes sense now. :(

[@andeeanko7079]

Can a covert narcissist also be a co-dependent?

[@terri_cole]

Yes. This is one of the main ways they connect to others as it's a way of maintaining control. Thank you for being here.

[@teresacrum8188]

Terri Cole Real Love Revolution b

[@bethbartlett5692]

@Reader CoDependents feel "in a place they know - are comfortable - as it reflects their home life." They feel like they don't deserve "balanced/normal"

[@bethbartlett5692]

@@terri_cole *Inverted Narcissists* - (the label for CoDependents that are also Narcissists)

[@ptanyuh]

I am definitely codependent, raised by a narcissistic/alcoholic mother, but I'm single now and am in a relationship with myself, and learning to count on myself. Now I am at a stage that I am terrified of what "inter-dependency" looks like and refuse to get into another relationship due to fear of falling into my codependent patterns again. How can you recognize when it's starting to get unhealthy? Or am I better off staying alone and not ruining yet another person's life? :/ I am really afraid of counting on ANYONE now, and am even afraid to ask friends for help when I genuinely need it because I do not understand how to have balance :/

[@terri_cole]

I understand your fear so start with baby steps. Here is a list of rights that might help you: everydayfeminism.com/2016/04/womens-rights-relationships/ xo

[@ptanyuh]

Thanks! I actually have something very similar hanging on my wall---I read it when I start to feel the obligation and guilt about being no contact. It helps a lot!

[@nancyblair9862]

I'm confused about when helping becomes enabling. I come from a chaotic background, so provided a stable background (good marriage, same home, etc.) for my kids. Instead of providing the same for their children, the opposite happened. Now if I help for the children's sake, I feel like I'm just enabling their parent's horrible behavior. I can no longer sleep at night because I worry about the children. If they suffer is it my fault? The offenders are my own daughters and I'm sick of it. I'm not speaking to them at all - that is good - right? Also, what do you call the codependent who is the giver?

[@tfneich]

Thanks so much

[@terri_cole]

So grateful you're here Taghrid!