What is Codependency? With Priscilla Gilman | Season 2; Ep 23

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Dr. Ramani breaks down this trendy buzzword while esteemed author Priscilla Gilman reveals her deeply personal journey of shouldering the emotional burden of her parents at a young age, after her father confided that his happiness - and life - depended on her.
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Guest Bio:
Priscilla Gilman is the author of two memoirs, The Anti-Romantic Child (Harper, 2011) and The Critic’s Daughter (Norton, 2023), and a former professor of English literature at Yale University and Vassar College. Nick Hornby calls The Critic’s Daughter, “beautiful: honest, raw, careful, soulful, brave and incredibly readable.” Gilman’s writing has appeared in the New York Times, O, the Oprah Magazine, and elsewhere. She is a book critic for the Boston Globe, a certified mindfulness and loving kindness meditation teacher, and a frequent public speaker about parenting, education, autism, and the arts. She lives in New York City.
Guest Information:
Website: www.priscillagilman.com/
Instagram: / priscilla.gilman
Twitter: / priscillagilman
This podcast should not be used as a substitute for medical or mental health advice. Individuals are advised to seek independent medical advice, counseling, and/or therapy from a healthcare professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issue, or health inquiry, including matters discussed on this podcast.
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Narcissists are everywhere and these days it seems like everyone has at least one in their lives! Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist, will help you spot red flags and heal from the narcissist in your life. Every Thursday, we will hear first-hand accounts from people who know this territory the best, the survivors.
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#NavigatingNarcissism #NavigatingNarcissismPodcast #DrRamaniPodcast #NavigatingNarcissism #NavigatingNarcissismDrRamani #NavigatingNarcissismPodcastDrRamani #DrRamaniPodcast #DrRamanNarcissismPodcast #codependency

[@stepintoyourpower]

Wow, I can relate to so much of this. This is incredibly validating! I also took total emotional responsibility for both my parents, especially my dad, growing up and never even allowed myself to cry. My dad suffered from alcoholism and depression and when my mum divorced him when I was nine he told me that he wished he was dead. He also told me that he wished I was his wife and sexually abused me on one occasion, which I didn’t remember until 11 years later. The partner my mum had after him was also suicidal and did actually take his own life. I spent over twenty years trying to make sure everyone else was ok whilst putting myself last, which of course all the narcissists in my life loved and took advantage of. Going no contact with both my dad and brother was extremely healing for me and now I’m happy to say that I have come a long way on my healing journey and with learning to love myself. Discovering your work has been an absolute game changer for me Dr. Ramani. Despite never even having met you I cannot express how much love and gratitude I feel towards you ❤Thank you for all that do🙏

[@microdosenyc4515]

Dr. Ramani is out here saving lives.

[@francesbernard2445]

They sometimes call all people born in the last century after the second world war until the year 1960 as being instead the sandwhich generation instead of the Baby Boomer being often vilified in free university classes for senor citizen programs being visited by the kind of retired professor who retains limited access to his old office in Academia. The sandwich generation being expected to be the emotional support to 2 and sometimes instead 3 generations of people including only 1 immature person with a bad temper too. Why that person was having trouble with their temper sometimes was partly however not altogether caused by dark money encouraged very bad levels of occupational hazards at work most among tradesmen. The average age of acquiring some kind of disability among tradesmen is at only age 50. Which is why in China that is the age of mandatory retirement for trades people. Which is probable why too for the longest time people from Indigenous family background on average were dying 10 years sooner here in North America too. What is going to happen to all of those large fancy homes and the malls close to them some day in Canada too if something doesn't change up here in Canada besides what has already started happening in the U.S. right after in only some states -- Roe versus Wade got overturned

[@k4xxxminecrafter792]

Bless you ❤

[@stepintoyourpower]

@@k4xxxminecrafter792 ❤

[@Portia620]

🙏 love and prayers for continued healing

[@ai172]

What a terrific podcast! I think I learned a lot about MYSELF as I was listening to Priscilla share her childhood stories. So thank you for that 💞

[@NavigatingNarcissismPod]

That's awesome!

[@EveningTV]

Wonderful interview. Just shows the complexity of relationships and love.

[@Enlightened77777]

I am a “fixer” but I don’t do it for love, I want to help those that need someone to love them enough to care. I hate the word co-dependant. It fits me in some ways as far as always wanting to make others happy, but not for my own needs. I do it for their lacking, thinking I can make a difference caring about THEM because it seems in the moment they need it.

[@avanellehansen4525]

You might be seeing people as projects

[@annedumornay95]

This was a very enlightening episode! I grew up with a Malignant Narcissist father who is extremely grandiose. As a result, my older sister and I were parentified. I have babied my mother and little sister for years because we were making up where my father lacked. Through therapy I learned I am not responsible for anyone else's emotional well-being but my own and my son's. This episode does a beautiful job showing the spectrum of Narcissism. Thanks for all you do, Dr. Ramani!

[@philipp7098]

This episode really reasonated with me since my father was a depressed narcissist. Just like her I was constantly trying to make him feel better. Being a truthteller I've actually mainly been trying to help him with his narcissism because I have been seeing his problems from an early age already. My dad would actually abuse me as a therapist and it wasn't until last year that i stumbled across Dr.Ramani's youtube chanel and my entire view changed and now I am becoming a therapist myself making a profession out of my narcissistic family role, that was so painful and yet gifted me to become the person I am today. Bless all of you and especially Dr.Ramani and her team for providing this incredible knowledge.

[@starlingswallow]

I'm so glad you are helping other people and that you found Dr. R here and it helped you see what you needed to see! Definitely check out the books: Betrayal Blindness & Rejected, Shamed & Blamed (I hope dr. R has the author of the 2nd book on her show here!) It sounds like you were the scapegoat....me, too, my husband in his family as well. Bless you!

[@philipp7098]

@@starlingswallow I've definitely been the scapegoat too. In my case I shared the role of being the scapegoat with my sister to a point that my father always saw us as the same person in his head. So from one scapegoat to another I would like to say it's over and I am glad to see that you found out that it wasn't you. It was never you. It was their inability to see you for the great person you truly are.

[@orielwiggins2225]

Thank you for doing this interview and personalizing this issue. I'm so glad that it was with someone that is not in a stereotypical narcissistic or even codependent situation. For those of us with complex abuse, but not textbook looking, it's Helpful to have codependency displayed and discussed in a way that really puts real life situations on it. I tried so hard to avoid both issues your parents gave you with my daughter when I divorced my narcissistic cheating ex, but she still wound up saying she was responsible for my feelings. I now know that she's been transferring how he made her feel, to me, and vice versa, due to the lies he told her and the triangulation (and parental alienation) he put her in very early on, but it still breaks my heart for her to have felt at all like she's gotta take care of ANY ones emotions. And that's coming from a recovering codependent myself.

[@evoks_1]

I had similar experiances as your guest and I am still so angry at my mum and grandmas for unburdening themselves at my own expense. The worst thing is that my mum has telling everybody this narrative of me being the bad daughter bc I also had divorced my husband for non-related things my mother did to my father and vice versa. She made me her psychiatrest from the age 7 until I turned almost 30 and when I broke it off she started manipulating people around us. I still struggle at 41 even though I restricted communication and set some boundaries but she's still messing with my family. The thing is that even though she told me things from an early age she and my father were really attentive parents but I am a train wreck and spent all my twenties and thirties tring to correct myself.

[@angelaholmes8888]

I'm so sorry that you went through that

[@evoks_1]

@@angelaholmes8888 Thank you.

[@brittneysperspective8433]

@22:00 Coercive Control. The angry outbreaks and “Id kill myself if it wasn’t for you..” I don’t think her father had a Temper. Abusers always blame their abuse on having a temper. This had nothing to do with his temper. Her father was manipulative and an abuser. Coercive controller. That’s why her mother left him.

[@bodymindsoul60]

Astounding, how many lives Alice Millers books changed! Especially, with the her themes surrounding “Narcissism the “false self and the “inner child. While subsequently her son revealed how negligent and abusive she was as a Mother in his own book. Mind boggling 🥹

[@karlasilis-cruz8835]

This is the first time i watch this Podcast! I can totally relate! i was drawn to broken men and broken friends because i wanted to save them. Being raised by a depressed narcissist mother that i tried to help even until now. Thank you Dr. Ramani for discussing this topic on your Podcast

[@NavigatingNarcissismPod]

You are always welcome

[@LK-252]

I loved this conversation. So perceptive and thoughtful and kind.

[@Aki.Yaghoubi]

I don't think Priscilla's father was an amazing father at all. He absolutely killed her authentic self in her childhood, so how is that being an amazing father? He only supported and heard his daughters if they were into the things he was interested in. I don't understand why Dr. Ramani keeps saying Pariscilla's father was an amazing father!

[@KiKi-te9yd]

Agree. Sounds like there's every chance he was narcissistic

[@Portia620]

Great point! ❤🥂

[@Portia620]

@@KiKi-te9ydyes and add on the other stuff super possible!!!!! Wow. I think she misses the mark many times and stopped following her until she brought the people like myself onto the show!!!! That’s when I seen her getting it right most of the time! This is not somehting 99 percent of therapist even understand! Criminologist maybe or FBI! These vultures are insidious and so covert!!!!! That is NOT stressed enough!

[@jcrocks6698]

He wasn't. I agree. The mother was right about this. Watching a child play to relive his childhood and find some entertainment encouraged them to be performative and to repress their feelings. Notice that he was a "great dad" ONLY in things that required no energy, effort, or negative emotion on his part. A great parent is there for you when you're vomiting from the flu, crying about a break-up, struggling with math homework, etc. He was there for the fun, sunny times and literally nothing else. When she says, "turning me into their emotional support animal," she finally gets it. But through most of this, she is still protecting them, making excuses for them, and over-empathizing. I just honestly hope she gets the help she needs.

[@bereal6590]

Agreed, I think he was a rubbish father. If you're so unstable and that immature, don't have kids! What he did with his kids was what HE was interested in. Then he laid his pain at their door, parentifying them and reversing the roles! The mother should have been there more for the kids but she did see the father correctly, a damaged man. Both parents fell way short imo

[@makaylahollywood3677]

I can relate to much of Pricilla's story. I have been able to relate to every story of each podcast- in some ways. The healing is a long slow process: books, videos, interviews, podcasts, writing. Thank you.

[@aimeerebecca1]

Oh my goodness, she just described my role and experience with my mom (though she was a poor, immigrant single mother) when I was a child going into the role of doing everything I could to keep everyone okay. Right down to her parent being this brilliant titan, and her wrinkling the program at the musical. Just so close to home. 😢

[@lilyghassemzadeh]

42:07 this is my husband, I discovered after 20 years of marriage! I used to think that a fantastic spouse would automatically be a fantastic parent too, but I was very wrong.

[@Portia620]

For anyone reading this please listen to this discussion twice! It’s is so important whom you marry and these vows are taken too lightly! Sadly I dated for 10 years before marriage and it still went south with the cons and eveything he did. I am not flawless at all but the depths of manipution and all has me middle aged healing. Don’t rush any relationship.

[@BodilWandt]

Thank you so much for this interesting conversation. Although, I'm stunned by how eagerly and frantic you both agree on what a fantastic father this man was - except for when he obviously wasn't. I'll give you this just as an inspiration to shift perspectives: As if you both need him to have been fantastic (I know, I might be projecting). But think about this. When the father blurs out that he doesn't know if he would've survived without them, you both agree it's a tiny slip up. At the same time I see it as he happened to spell out a core nature of his way of relating to his daughters. (And I see the signs of many other unhealthy motives to how his choices that I won't put words on here). At the same time the mother's two instants of over sharing and burden her daughter with her held back truth (as the fathers also was), those times are seen as very severe (I think they also are) and you assume that she doesn't hold back. I rather get the feeling that she held back very much information and tried to portion in in a way that she shows some kind of cause for precautions without burdening the dsughter with more than a fraction of what has caused her worries over the yesrs.

[@aktchungrabanio6467]

I agree with your observations.

[@bereal6590]

I agree. If a child is writing a list like she Did, not being asked how she is coping, nobody holding space for the kids. Imo that's not a good parent. Her mother seems harsh and unavailable, her father seems like a child himself. Both harmed her emotional and psychological development. I think that's as bad as physical harm

[@alyssafoss4817]

Dr Ramani I started watching your content for narcissism for the last year now but only recently have watched your videos on codependency… I can’t fathom how it is so so relevant and necessary to acknowledge and this podcast episode has truly been a turning point for me !!! I know plenty of people will feel the same and you hear this all the time but phew.. all my gratitude could never be dwindled down into a comment on a video you are a real angel walking amongst us.❤

[@MT-tx7bu]

Great topic! It's difficult when you have learned to be a codependent. You use up your energy fixing others and very little, if any using the energy on you. It takes years and heartbreak to see what it's cost. When I decided to get back to me, but the issue was and continues to be, who I AM. I resonated with Pricilla's story. Thanks for sharing it. .

[@carolinethomas6562]

This is troubling. The 'don't do' list was awful for a child to read, but gives the impression that the mother had been enabling him. No wonder she was drained. The mother generally is depicted as 2D. She's not fleshed out as a person. Nothing is said about her mothering skills and efforts and contributions, but there's so much about the father and how marvellous he was because he watched his children (especially one of them) perform. It seems like he loved the pleasurable bits of parenting. Who was doing the tough bits? Then the eating half-portions in restaurants, and stealing ketchup. I don't feel any sympathy. Why did he take his children to sit in restaurants and feel hungry, and be told not to cry? He could have bought plenty of good food for less cost and gone for picnics. It would have been more fun for the children. I think this is telling. He seems to have put status above his children getting enough to eat, and having a good time. Almost no empathy is shown for the mother. Yes, it seems like she was cut off from her own feelings, but I guess she was brought up like that. But he was a serial adulterer and porn user, yet that is glossed over. The mother must have suffered hugely. I'm interested in the sister, and impressed that she had the courage to authentically and frequently express her emotions, which can't have been easy in that environment, with a very self-contained mother, a 'revered', depressed father, and a sister who was always trying to control everyone's feelings. I agree with the mother that she was to some degree 'rejected', in that her plays and activities were given less attention than yours. This is a partial rejection, and must have been keenly felt by her. As for this 'apology', it sounds like she didn't actually receive it. It was said that after he shouted at the sister, "I went after him, and he apologised." Then "he said, I love you and your sister". So it seems the sister wasn't present. She was the one that needed the apology but it didn't go to her! Did this often happen, I wonder. Did he see the sister as an individual, if he just apologised by proxy to his clear favourite? I'm curious as to how the sister was affected by all this. In the whole interview the mother and sister are left in the shadows and seem unreal, while this father is still revered. Maybe it was all that reverence and being a 'titan' instead of a normal vulnerable human being that made him behave so badly. Having said that, I'm sorry to hear about the difficulties this upbringing gave you, and I wish you well.

[@jcrocks6698]

THIS! Exactly. Everything you said here should have been pointed out to Priscilla. Her eyes are still partially blind.

[@bereal6590]

I'd agree, how did Claire feel. Favouring a child, the other one by default will feel left out. Her father sounds like an abysmal husband and a poor excuse for a father

[@jasminweaver683]

This interview was weird and kind of enabling to me. The counter argument about how her codependency came to be, wasn't due to survival I think is incorrect. She definitely felt the need to cater to her father to save him, who she was dependent on (for her own survival), is a survival mechanism. Both parents had terrible boundaries. The father sharing possible suicidal ideation was so harmful and neglectful. In essence her emotional needs were neglected throughout her childhood as it seems. How did she feel loved and seen when her boundaries were frequently violated? Her fondness of her father, was extreme to me, and sounds like emotional incest. Not saying he was narcissistic (covert maybe), but something was off. There appeared to be some triangulation occurring between her and her sister, at least implied. And I'm wondering if the way she catered to her father gave him some of the adoration and admiration he needed, which also seemed somewhat exploitative. Idk, maybe there's info in the book that makes it make more sense. 🤷🏾‍♀️

[@aktchungrabanio6467]

Excellent intuition!

[@HappyPupMomma]

INCREDIBLE message. I am so sorry you had to go through this. ❤

[@KiKi-te9yd]

My ex is absolutely a malignant narc or dark triad/psychopath... but he looks like an absolutely doting parent to the girl child, who lapped it up, and his whole life was running around after her to carry on the enmeshment his mother had started. Don't be fooled when they look like a great parent, remember the child is supply too.

[@jcrocks6698]

Watch for signs of sexual abuse. A lot of times, what looks like doting is grooming and parental alienation.

[@KiKi-te9yd]

@@jcrocks6698 that is exactly what he was doing. Alienation and triangulation was his game.

[@jcrocks6698]

Ethical men don't take advantage of their students. The father enjoyed watching them play because it was entertaining. It literally required nothing of him, and again, the children were used to help ease his emotional regulation. He was reliving his childhood rather than actually doting on them. This happened to me also. Every game, concert, play, the parent was there. The minute I start having feelings instead of performing for their amusement, poof and gone. I don't feel like either woman understands this. I also wish Priscilla had waited to write her book. She's still making excuses for her parents and clearly hasn't fully processed her trauma. The excuses for her mother at being dumped on about her father's fetishes are a huge indication that she's still not quite there.

[@aktchungrabanio6467]

Agree.

[@bereal6590]

I agree also. Both my parents are emotional toddlers. My father aggressive. I was dumped on rather than protected. It was an awful scary lonely childhood but because it had the bells and whistles of looking good, they blame me for the failings. They were just redoing their own childhood, not caring for a child. My thoughts feelings and emotions were walked over. Now they're elderly they're even worse!

[@KiKi-te9yd]

Its interesting that you talk about the mother misreading the father as a narcissist... next minute the BDSM discussion, her sounding like the favored golden child and that even she knew she was favored, and the list of things she knew she couldn't do around her father is she still wanted to be loved.

[@FaithEtiosa]

I'm confused at why they're both so adamant at portraying the father in a good light and the mother as wrong. I'm only halfway through but this episode is weird to me...

[@KiKi-te9yd]

@FaithEtiosa I agree.

[@jcrocks6698]

​@@FaithEtiosa Agreed. Her mother was clearly correct. She had issues and parentified her child also, BUT she was right about the father, and Priscilla is still defending them both. She needs more time and therapy, not a book deal. I would have recommended waiting 3-5 more years to process and heal before writing halfway through the process.

[@starlingballet6082]

​@@jcrocks6698OR SHE CAN WRITE A SERIES OF BOOKS AS SHE WORKS THRU THE PROCESS. LATER, AT 5 + YRS, A SUMMATION OF THE ENTIRE PROCESS IN BOOK FORM MIGHT BE NICE ALSO.

[@starlingballet6082]

I'VE BEEN VERY CURIOUS ABOUT THIS RAGE ON NARCCISSISM WHEN JUST A FEW YRS AGO AND FOR MANY YRS PRIOR ALL I HAD EVER HEARD ABOUT WAS CODEPENDENCY, ALCOHOLISM DRUG ADDICTION AND THE ABUSES THE KIDS ENDURED AND LATER ADULT CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS/ADDICTS ETC. I ATTENDED ALANON, ACA, CODEPENDENTS ANON, I LOST AN UNCLE AND A COUSIN TO ALCOHOLISM LITERALLY. MY COUSIN ALCOHOL ABD DRUGS, MY DAD, RAISED IN THE FRENCH QUARTER IN SAN FRANCISCO. W/ 7 KIDS IN HIS FAMILY. MY GRANDFATHER RAISED IN FRANCE WHERE THE KIDS DRINK WATERED DOWN WINE W DINNER QND EACH THE CINCENTRATION IS INCREASED TILL FULL STRENTH BY ADULTHOOD. MY GRANDFATHER DID SAME W HIS KIDS. ALL 7 TURNED OUT TO BE ALCOHOLICS EXCEPT MAYBE MY UNCLE JOE. MY OTHER UNCLE AND COUSIN WERE MOMS BRO AND NEPHEW. MY MOM SOBER BUT W A LATER LEARNED , ( BY ME) A FOOD ADDICTION, ME TOO. THANK GOD FOR THE BOOKS BY JANEEN ROTH, "FOOD IS LOVE" AND MANY OTHERS. EVERY TEEN AND YOUNG GIRL SHD READ THESE BOOKS AND HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP W FOOD. A WHOLE HEALTHY LOOK AT FOOD. ANYWAY I AM WONDERING IF NARCISSISM IS JUST ANOTHER FORM OF CODEPENDENCY OR SYMPTOM???

[@claudiaviannaaudet8958]

Fantastic talk, it’s still hard for me to understand some concepts, and this talk helped a lot. I think one of the most difficult things is to live with so many “whys” that will never be answered. We will never know the real reasons why people behave the way they do… and, most of the times, they themselves don’t know their own reasons, so, how are we supposed to know? I guess the best we can do is to find out “our own reasons” to have been is destructive relationships, and try to move on.

[@Judybloom799]

I cried when he missed the chair. I empathized so deeply with her reaction to that. Her feeling his shame. Her wanting to distract everyone else from feeling it too

[@kmf7142]

If he cheated, he may not have been a narcissist but he is NOT and never will be a "good person" and DEFINITELY NOT AN "ethical man." Not even close . I cannot believe you are telling people a man is a good ethical man when he cheats. Cheating is hurting someone. ..... on purpose ..... you don't accidentally fall into another person and their bed.

[@Portia620]

This!!!! ❤❤. Ethical!!! This! Who leaves magazines under couch cushions!?? Sick! Keep that stuff up away from kids like other dangerous stuff! Too young for kids to get ahold of that stuff!!!

[@danaw23]

This is exactly what I needed to hear. Thanks to both of you.

[@auryn684]

I had to stop part way through because it seemed like Dr. Ramani was giving her dad a pass?? Her dad WAS monstrous in ways. He was quick to anger, favored one daughter over the other, threatened to kill himself, had affairs, hid porn in the living room where kids could find it??? It’s triggering that he’s getting a kind of halo despite those behaviors while the mother is being cast in a villainous light.

[@cascade00]

36:24 I think it takes people 3 times to listen objectively She doesn't really sound that way She says the behavior is more confusing for the guest Although the guest maintained a relationship with the dad into adulthood that she felt and feels positive about her relationship with dad who has passed from lung cancer

[@aktchungrabanio6467]

Thank you!!

[@piapedersen]

Such a good conversation. Thank you for sharing.

[@NavigatingNarcissismPod]

You are always welcome

[@Gigiyoungerme]

Thank you so me Dr.Ramani I appreciate you just for being you

[@rturney6376]

We are exactly the same age and I so relate. I would love 💗 to connect with you more 😢

[@KamuiJenny]

Ouch, this hit hard 😢❤ thank you xx

[@rturney6376]

Sensing when someone needed a cigarette, is a staple of past generations. The 50’s? The 70’s?

[@belhansen5403]

Questioning if I’m a little narcissistic and that’s a scary thing to see for myself. Bc I think of how my child is beginning to be codependent bc of my child trying soo hard to be good or not cry when she really wants something not necessary to make me feel better but for her to get her way or she does sometimes think she has to resolve my hubs and I’s arguments or clearly upset feelings toward each other. It’s a good reminder for me to keep my feelings contained till I can be alone with my hubs to work it out calmly without my children seeing and be very careful not to overstate anything with my child as my child is very sensitive and tends to be the cheerleader ,bubbly one. Praying to God to break this bad habit in me and help me see and stop if I’m about to do something that would make codependent children. I do apologize a lot to my kids and hubs and instead of snapping easily when they whine my counselor told me to respond in a way I’d feel the most loved if I was panicking or melting down. I’ve been kissing my child on the forehead when the meltdown begins and my child immediately calmed down and loved it and responded in words instead. I have hope for myself and hope this encourages someone else also!

[@brendaalexander4285]

WOW!!! I’ve been in a unknowingly Narcissistic marriage for 38yrs. Thanks for the info. Help!!! Anything ya wanna know about Narcissism ask me. Yes I’ve lived it, Movie coming soon. 😢

[@fineartlifestyling]

Wow this story echoes such a resemblance to my own experience. While I didn’t come from a wholesome family like Priscilla’s, mine was a duo narcissistic family unit, but the experience of the father saying I would kill myself is very similar to my own experience. When I was 7 years old, my father was very unwell, I was sitting with him in his bed tending to him and just before he had a heart attack and died his last words to me were “you and your mother don’t love me, I am going to die”.

[@kimmcdaniel8933]

Wholesome?

[@angelaholmes8888]

Omg I'm so sorry that you lost your father at such a young age and saw him pass away

[@cascade00]

Misguidedness . . . And love. . Brings closure Yep Thanks y'all 🤠🤠🤠🤠🤠🤠🤠

[@insiteandawareness3500]

I have this tendency to feel bad for people who are angry and I think it's because I grew up that way. My father was angry a lot and I learned to make excuses for his bad behavior. There's really no excuse for behaving badly at all. Now when that happens to me I don't react to the people because they're projecting their anger towards me when inside they don't feel good about themselves. They tell you a lot about themselves like Dr.Shaler says ABB always believe behavior. That person is stressing out and I don't have to allow their discomfort to change how I feel or ruin my good day.

[@kathywalton4273]

Me too ,managing everyone's feelings as a child , (8 to 10 ?)poor mom ,poor dad ,peacemaker between my (later bipolar diagnosed )older brother and my dad ,who would go off to play golf which mum was angry about - but dad would leave telling me to 'help your mother ' who used to rage and say 'I wish I hadn't been born ...etc..' Oh dear ...not very healthy ...! Maybe I still need some healing ...?.🙏🏻 Thought all I had to deal with was my upcoming divorce from my narcissist second husband who is trying to get me to try again !!! (Poor him ,maybe he HAS really changed ...) Gut screaming..... Just need some peace from all this mental turmoil ! (Could it be codependency?...!)

[@pizzakrydder2515]

I don't see how being conditinally loved include having to make a long list of what you cannot do or be when you are around your parent.

[@semmaville]

Hmmm… hmmmm… hmmm… that’s my only comment… love you Dr Ramani ❤

[@Portia620]

Some people are bad at both relationships too.

[@cascade00]

Oh my gosh career women truly understanding psychology and the dynamics of the family they created is not possible. . . First of all career woman is full time job and a half, then parenting is a full time job and a half, and learning psychology is a full time job, meal prep is almost a full time job, Shit shit shit, and we are not allowed to discuss, nor are we allowed to team up in non homosexual fashion, to assist each other, in a community, They make many mistakes And the children many times, are their only community. Thats why they let things slip. The pride of our culture has toppled

[@hollywright3610]

Bonding with the narcissist father and keeping secrets of sexual abuse from the family a toxic codependency becomes necessary to survive. Later the damage is that secrets keep you safe but haven’t healed the trauma that shadows the entire life . Relationships are ruined by fear of intimacy are easily seduced by a father figure as chemistry ends in abandonment

[@mhwestgate]

👏👏👏👏

[@magiclovelinu7234]

0:10 shit that's me on both ways

[@Mindsetolympics]

49:00

[@cascade00]

Listen again 47:45 She gives a balanced perspective on this guy. She says it like it is. All men are not equal. He did some things right that gave her a lot of safety due to his desire for family, hearth, home, safety. On the other hand maybe it is not outside the realm of possibility that these gals are excited about the late dad because they are still trying to help guys, be exceptional understanding of guys, master guys, and they need to know about these guys who are capable of giving females some undivided attention and devotion, to feel better about themselves? Or feel a sense of purpose? Not outside the realm of possibility. I understand why they want to promote dating men and being excited about men. They are working women. That's what working women do. Pop culture is promoting that all the time. That's their joy and pleasure perhaps. And their pain. A sign of status is to never stop working to earn a mans love. It's an emotional currency for those with high status. Career women can be seen doing it all the time. It's also perhaps exercising the communication muscle with the opposite sex that they were conditioned to feel deserves high priority. Higher priority over basics of cooking, cleaning, organizing 😆 I don't feel the same. My way of mastering man is not the same. Nevertheless there is a way. Thats my limited understanding.

[@Portia620]

That disparity happens when your trapped in a narc relationship too.

[@TheLeagueOfSteve]

Does the separation of Priscilla's parents describe the mother's narcissistic discard of the father?

[@damieo8139]

Hmmm. I feel that.

[@KiKi-te9yd]

The mothers narc discard??? He was sleeping with students at the college! Why would she stay with him?

[@Portia620]

College girls he is sleeping with is a big red flag of narcissistic behavior along with being too good to be true. I would delve deeper into both parents to see if he is narcissistic. Not sure about the mom. We need more info

[@cascade00]

This might be rudimentary psychology, advanced psychology, a combination of both When you you say Sweet Valley High & Baby Sitters Club, you switch into a noticeable vocal fry, Is this pop culture the reason for the vocal fry? Or the dads influence on daughter or something else?

[@cascade00]

Where did she say she didnt feel that she gave up her sense of self?

[@daresaryan8229]

I wonder if she may also be autistic? I am 42, mother of two autistic kiddos, and was diagnosed with autism myself before my children were. I just wonder because I resonated soooooo deeply with her ❤

[@Anonymous_Anon882]

You resonate with her because you resonate with her experiences and probably nothing more. I know it’s trendy for everyone to claim to be neurodivergent now (which I’m not necessarily saying is the case with you) but no one person is defined by their diagnosis or self-diagnosis. She even said herself in this podcast that no one person’s superseded by their diagnosis or label, whatever it is, and that goes for you, too.

[@cascade00]

I wish working, career women had gotten together and said what could we do better for our children, and that would be, teaching their children to grow their own food, and allowing people inside the community, to teach children to grow food That also contributes to nipping fear of abandonment in the bud, But these career women didnt talk about it. In this way career women would bring both those who support themselves, and those in poverty together, bridging the gap, and being there for thr female gender Instead we are forced to compare ourselves to emotional support animals. And its true! Thats what they turned white women into. Emotional support animals. Who would have purpose and meaning, by self sustaining herself, by growing her own foods.

[@cascade00]

What about psychology? Only those who join in the club, can actually work to earn something. Codependency system? Have and have nots? The amount of content put out by all psychologists, is astounding, working working working, yet, we are no closer to feeling at peace about the uncertainty the younger gens of females will face?

[@cascade00]

In the end, we are supposed to see through all misguidedness and see the love. Nevertheless is there was less heirarchy, and females gave more community, especially bridigng the gap between the wealthy and poor women (who are not addicts, sex workers, who are willing to serve community.) Wealth sometimes skips generations. Pastors also say that the children of wealthy with greed can often be seen living in poverty. The community part is left in the hands of government and church, which fail us.

[@Mindsetolympics]

52:49 dont be a mans peace, dont do emotional maintenance for men ❤

[@siageorgiou505]

I am just leaving a/out navigationing Narcissism.

[@Serenitygracehope]

I Totally disagree Ramani that her father did a good job. I think he was more damaging than her mother .. and so much more insidious because what looked like interest was actually self serving ‘training’.

[@Serenitygracehope]

I’ve just watched more …. I take it back! The mother is equally terrible!!

[@cascade00]

My bio dad cried over a minor matter that started with something I said, and that's a reason, of three reasons, i think he beat me up that same year. his dad, my grandfather, was a phd in physics from Purdue (who birthed a Yale graduate.) I would say I'm probably the most fearless of men you could meet because I've been in society with all types of them. i dont date them at all. Although i see how these white dadsz, when they projected onto us, caused us to give a lot of attention to boys, dudes, guys. Giving excessive attention to guys, when guys are nowhere to be found, when female gender needs solutions and needs to know what the female gender experiences, seems silly. My dad drove me to the homes of boyz and left me unattended since age 3. We took my "boyfriend" (no sex) on vacation with us at age 14. I couldn't be friends with them because of the enormous pressure to be sexual with them, and Lack of connection didn't feel right. I cared about their emotional well being to a certain extent. If they were willing to write letters and cultivate friendship. I was simply always attempting to carve my own space to think rationally. I wasn't afraid of my dad crying. If a man is not allowed to cry, and the anger and rage keeps growing, it's unhealthy. I didn't protect my dad the same way you did, (i didnt protect his fragile ego and not make matters worse). If i wanted to protect his ego I would sing Sade - By Your Side - I'll tell you you're right when you want. But these people using us to protect them was too much pressure, too much pressure and they are still punishing us, for 🛑 not protecting them anymore. They are punishing us for not protecting their fragile ego, punishing us that their ego getting exposed. Undeniable some of them are attempting to pin the economic failure on their own kind. If we speak out about their oppression we are punished by all of society. Rather than cop up to greed and ego, they punish. Punishment style will fail. You see? They punish those who are simply decent, and don't stop those thugs who are thieving. They can't stop theft. Did they try to thieve our souls? Did they attempt to thieve our lives? And then we are punished by society for any number of reasons. Human stupidity exposed. Nowadays when I see men "hoping" that female will give him all her money and devotion, without saying out loud what he wants and needs, as if he is a web with hope of female getting caught, it comes across as pitiful. Bio dadz are complex, since he got upset that i was up early ready to work, and yelled and screamed to allow him to sleep, I learned how to be stealth and quiet across floors. Since he took me to homes of strangers i learned to be fearless of men. I could be face to face with a gang member in chicago with multiple gang tats on face or a rogue cop and this person doesnt scare me at all. I am fearless of men. But he was also the dude who instilled nutrition and ethnic cuisine into me. He also talked about civil rights from his own lived experiences in detroit. He was on the side of those who claimed minority status. And I'm not here to protect the egos of man whatsoever. When i see my people suffering because institutions, establishments, and systems won't allow love to trickle down, i see the danger this causes. I am granted permission and i am entitled to receive the love that the Divine bestows upon me.

[@cascade00]

Bringing up the idea of saying no, to cooking, cleaning, organizing, and creating, to be a career woman, seems like a bone to pick? Yes or no? Career is priority, over cooking, cleaning, organizing, creating? Misty Copeland said takes a village to get a woman to her career, and we are or are not allowed to discuss?

[@cascade00]

Misty also said, that, once she landed the career, she battled a high sugar, high fat addiction, which she believed to be a soothing some loneliness, fear? Are we allowed to discuss these sort of major shifts away, from, what to me, is instinctual?

[@Portia620]

@@cascade00sugar never lies to me doll! 😂😂

[@cascade00]

Dependent Interdependence the natives -the AmerIndians, the Aztec, the Anasazi, the Alogonquian, the Athabascans, the Anishinabe, were all dependent on the natural resources. They viewed harming the Earth, akin to harming their mother. Nevertheless they existed in harmony with the natural resources. when we decend from those who would pollute and dump and mine in to mother earth, in extremes, we were forced to all become codependent? Yale served as a major stop along "the long march into the institutions" ? My question is, does christianity have anything to do with it since they wouldn't stop trying to save those who were intentionally unleashing chaos and confusion, effectively allowing the chaos and confusion to poison? So now, there is an incredible awakening, thats not being led by Ivy League institutions, or christians, how is this occurring? What is the driving force?

[@cascade00]

My uncle is a Yale graduate and is working at one of 16 US research laboratories that are operated by the DOE.

[@bereal6590]

The father does sound narcissistic, egotistical and self centred. For sure her mother should have left way sooner and taken the kids. To paint this father as attentive and tuned in seems just bizarre.

[@andiplus7960]

I think is ok to tell the child, why she was so cold and abbout the infidelities, she knew already, u are wrong Ramani, wrong wrong wrong. Im signing off, good bye

[@cascade00]

This is my poetry. All my own. Theres about 25 - 40 that describe my climb out of trauma. But look in your audience. You see a 41 year old call herself a train wreck. You know Misty Copeland says it took a village to get her where she is. Look! Below. Your 41 year old fan, says, she is a train wreck. We stayed out of PIC prison industrial complex, we were used entirely to be the psychologist to our family. I almost wish you would interview Dr. Raquel Martin on what being a millennial is like. Some of my favorite millenials are Dr. Raquel Martin, Dr. Nicole LaPera, holistic psychologist, and Tactic Nutrition in Canada - Alex and Meridith. Busting ass, creating tons and tons of content. Look at at all the psychologists who are millennials creating content - they create create create content, tons of content🔥🫂 Heres my poetry. Anchor You anchor me. You’re my family while I let go. When I trembled, You held my ship in place. When I couldn’t be consoled You provided consistent strength. You dropped into the depths of my soul, pierced through the fear, and began filling my cracks with gold. Consoled On the thick skin of your shoulder is a comfy crevice for a head to rest one moment only unless flaws remaining unexposed are forgotten and let go long enough to turn and look up towards the point where your cheek and brow meet and find myself struggling to speak words as soft as the cirrus cloud passing overhead or as gentle as the pillow propped up on your bed. Can you help me? I say and stay still in a silence that succeeds, understanding why admissions of vulnerability Were left unsaid and was I was all alone wandering in the wilderness instead. Trust Trust me when you share your boundaries and you're met with respect Trust me when you lean into me and I catch Trust me when you trust me Trust me when I don't assume anything about you Trust me when I ask you to share anything you like and you do Trust me when I hold your secrets Trust me when I don’t ask you to put anything in your body you don't want inside Trust me when I fix this To make this rhyme Trust me when you put on gloves I put on the pads And you give me a slug Trust me when you need a 20 second hug Trust me when you see me climbing ladders and staying up Trust me when you say don't be afraid Trust me when I walk down the street next to you and feel zero shame Trust me when you do the same Trust me when taking caution is comforting Trust me when you tell me to leave and I go quietly no questions asked Trust me when you call me back Trust me when I sing Trust me when I care for you Trust me when I believe If I conquer it every single time I will succeed Trust me when you're the judge of whether my first thought comes from righteousness Trust me when I don't project Trust me when I'm there when you need me to protect Trust me I'm imperfect ©️cascade