What is Codependency?

[@angelinastanton7996]

This video was so helpful in explaining codependency and how it differs from dependency. I have constantly watched family members who enable other family members with a substance use disorder by giving them money, more medication, getting them out of legal troubles, etc. I have also found myself being pressured to enable family members and struggled with being assertive towards them. I see how this ugly cycle manifests and how individuals feed off of one another. It was very helpful to learn more about codependency and the consequences of being codependent or enabling someone.

[@JoeDirt-el2fr]

You usually see this when one parent is a narcissist. The parent traumatizes the child to be dependent on them for survival.

[@janicedixon2051]

Thanks for your insight. Happy to hear it is normal to be a little co-dependent in a significant other. I never viewed myself as a dependent person I would say I’m very independent but after learning a bit more about codependency, I would say that I have a codependent relationship.

[@rhondabaileyyy]

I seen several families who have codependency. They seem to feel trapped. I have also been able to witness how freeing it is when they get out of the situation.

[@jackiesorrells5571]

To frequently couples interpret codependency as a means to show love and that dynamic is passed on children.

[@Lionesse-z41553]

This is me to a "T." Only difference that I no longer involve myself with addicts.

[@meemoo9819]

I don't know if I am the codependent type. For two years I was in a relationship with someone who is an alcoholic, a smoker. Besides he has bad food habbits and is overweight. I always felt responsible to protect him from the consequences, from doing harm to others or to himself. All the nights he was drunk and didn't know what he was doing, all the mornings he couldn't remember what he did when he was drunk. I hated that. When I could not stand it anymore and I ended it, it seems he got his life under control. He is now married and his wife is expecting. For me he couldn't do the simplest thing, let alone starting a family. I feel, he stole my energy and time :( I don't know why I felt in such a relationship with such a person!

[@veronicabetz9452]

Thank you for clarifying these terms. I didn't know that codependence wasn't much different than dependence, and that codependent individuals (caregivers) displayed a lot of different behaviors.

[@adambrowne332]

I can see how the term codependence could have many different meanings in the therapeutic setting. This helped to clear it up for me!

[@rejaneoliveira5019]

There is so much misinformation on social media. I was listening to something unrelated in this construct came about, however it was described very differently than the way you did. Anyways, thank you so much for doing what you do. I know I can always rely on your videos for trustworthy information.

[@johnharrisjr2808]

I can see where a caregiver might think they are helping the person with substance use disorder by enabling them. The end result is that they are helping the person go deeper in addiction

[@EarthBoundBean]

Oh my god this is describing me. Thw boundry problems, anxiety, need for approval, lack off trust, issues with h abandonment. Its all there, i alway knew it was odd how attached i get to things and people.

[@Sarcasmarkus]

Thanks for describing it with such clarity, other channels like to describe it in terms just about feelings without describing behaviors or reasons for the behaviors.

[@mkaytherebud]

Whoa... Ive been trying to find out more about myself recently and mature- This is exactly what I needed. You just described a whole lot that Im going through.

[@walexander8378]

I think my girlfriend might be codependent with me. She's in college and is a single mom with little income. I feel like our relationship is mostly about me caring about her and her health. Which I do, but it seems like that is where the feelings of true love are coming from for me. I help support her and sometimes I feel she has sex with me because of that but still it feels like true love because we seem to have that relationship that can last as we have already gone through so much together. But still I feel it is not completely healthy as it never has really followed the normal relationship steps. It went straight from chatting online, having good conversation and into me helping her, me caring for her if she is sick, me helping her with her kid. But still I feel hooked, I don't feel it s a burden but I feel she may be using me even though it feels so right for me right now. In some ways t feels like Munchausen syndrome like I'm afraid if she gets through the gauntlet of college and having little income she will leave me so I want her to stay needy forever. But I don't act on these thoughts. I actively cheer her on and tell her that these hard times are not forever, call her smart, and strong as she is. But still I want her to know I'm still here when she makes it. Maybe she will pick me.

[@scarstreet3824]

6:34 Thanks, I needed to hear that

[@virginiamurrey9139]

This was a very informational video in understanding the difference between co-dependency and dependency.

[@denniscwalina6897]

Is codependency a means obtain their emotional needs by caring for those who are invulnerable positions?

[@tsbcmhc2083]

Provided me with great clarification of the difference between codependency and dependency. It is be easily assumed that are the same thing.

[@montelo555]

Love your videos. They're very informative and easy to understand. Thank you Dr. Grande.

[@DrGrande]

You're welcome!

[@aroguereptilian]

My npd father is more bearable than my codependent mother imo. I definitely didnt see it that way growing up though.

[@remnant1018]

Woo HOO! ☺️🙌 You just made my day. No sense of identity behind supporting, no sense of purpose behind supporting, NO need for control, anger I think three times in my life, lol and only for about 10-20 seconds apiece. And eff enabling your foolishness. I WILL. let you eff your ess up. I’ll advice against it, but once it’s done, smh. Mm! Not sure if there’s some other horrible thing I might be, but now I know it’s not that ☝️☺️ Thanks, Dr Grande!

[@kelly4321]

Very informative on the difference between dependency and codependency.

[@Reree-gz5bg]

Now this confuses me more... like I understand it. But I might have to talk to my counselor about this again...

[@kikixiong6156]

Interesting! Thanks for the explanation!

[@jillbeck6917]

New information for me. Thank you for clearing that up.

[@angelinastanton7996]

This video helped me learn new information and also refreshed my memory on concepts I already new about. Overall, I have a better understanding of codependency.

[@KyleBaker-i5d]

Thank you Dr. GRANDE

[@AfghanNomad-s4f]

I didn't not realize I was codependent until recently. To sum it up, my parents and siblings all lived in a dysfunctional household. Looking back, my mother had mental issues that were never diagnosed. Her mother died when she was 2-3 years old. She had a tough life through out her childhood and then when she got married, her mother in law was super mean to hear.. When I was very young I saw my father beating my mother for messing up dinner. We had a civil war when I was 8 years old, then we became refugees... I don't recall a kiss or a hug from my mother, I never took lunch to school ever... my older sister used to wash our school cloths. I never saw myself seen in the house, some other things happened to me to when I was very young. My father worked away from home and would be gone for months, where I lived there were no phones, letter... and by the way my mother is illiterate and can't even write here name or have a signature or know alphabets. Most of us are now adults, the youngest is over 30 years old. We are four brother and I am the 3rd, with my father being away, the oldest brother had complete control over us, he used to beat us until I was into my late teens and my other older brother when he was almost 20. There is not much of a age difference, we are all 2-3 years apart in age from each other. Shit hit the fan when my father passed away about 7 years ago. My older brother never had a job, he drinks and smokes since he was in his mid twenties now he over 40. My younger brother, smokes and recently went into psychosis and is on medication but he is able to keep his job. I have been somewhat functional, I used to support my family and my dad till he was a live. After watching this video, everyone in my family is codependent. I have recently tried to draw some boundaries an cut ties with all my siblings and my mother, to save my family and be able to keep a job. I am finding it very hard. I have lost purpose, I feel trapped, I have anxiety, i am depressed. Looking back a series of things happened in the last years that got me here. I couldn't make it to see my fatehr before he died, then, me and my wife with our two children lost our house to a fire, I lost my job, I started drinking and developed high blood pressure with which came anxiety and depression. Then Covid happened and I started having panic attacks and went on medication, while struggling with the interference of my siblings and mother. I felt guilty, angry. Now I am trying to cut ties, and finding it hard. There is a sense of abandonment. Daily I am on a roller coaster of guilt, regret, anger, loneliness, worries about my health, anxiety, depression and restlessness. I feel like I have done something terrible, when all I want to do at this point is make sure my children don't have the same issues I had. I am not sure why I am writing this comment, but it making me feel better.

[@hklausen]

It sounds like you can also be codependent with a person who suffers from CPTSD. Am I right about that?

[@FrancesShear]

Isn't it true that often a person with a substance abuse disorder is often being enabled by more than one person and whenever one of those people starts catching on and then tries to remove themselves from the enabling they are met with lots of opposition from the rest of the enablers?

[@pocoeagle2]

Hi Dr. Grande. Can you do a video about healthy self-love or mostly (un) conscious self-hate in the case of people with personality disorders? Many people think that a narcissist is in love with his idealized self, but as far as I know a narcissist hates himself and others. How is this for someone with OCPD, who is mostly full with (un) consciousness self-critisim to himself and others for not being perfect? Is this a matter of just not accepting the real human self who has flaws and makes understandable mistakes and is this also a matter of not loving themselves? Can people with serious personality disorders really going to love themselves better in therapy and can you give some examples how a therapist tries to accomplish this with patients? Thanks!!

[@doreenoribado6501]

thanks much dr for your vids. it helped me a lot. what is the difference between a healthy empath and codependent? now, im thinking that being an empath is a personality.

[@mundanestuff]

You describe the relationship between my mother and a brother. He's an addict, drugs, gambling and alcohol, who lives in her home. She is an elderly woman who insists on moving back home, after rehab for surgery, and has articulated reasons for doing so. She doesn't want to see him suffer, make him pay his own way, he might become homeless, and on and on. If she sells her house, she could live comfortably for the rest of her life with professional assistance. But he would have to fend for himself. So she won't.

[@Someone194-p]

Thank god I'm healed from that shit, it was pain for years

[@yourenough3]

Thank you!

[@DrGrande]

You're welcome!

[@scottthomas5819]

Yes

[@lifetimeactor6789]

Good description, but isn't there usually a severe lack of self-esteem, too?

[@TheJoshywoshybumbleb]

I want to know what happens to someone who gets in between a codependent relationship. Let's say for example, mother daught codependent relationship and daughter gets a boyfriend. The mother had trauma and was diagnosed with disassociative disorder and child trauma. I don't know if they were codependent, but it made my life hell. So, without addressing my particular scenario, I'd like a bit of information on what happens to 3rd parties coming in or in between codependent relationships. Is it dangerous?

[@TheIdleCrow]

So my sibling found a video that matches my wife perfectly & that's Spoon theory. Now my friend sends me this video and it's a 85 to 90% match of how I operate.... lol Idk if anyone else has heard of spoon theory, but imagine a person who operates like that with extreme depression mixed with her super codependent partner & you'll likely be able to just assume & imagine how my life looks. lol

[@shellbell2272]

What if your partner has depression. I have felt resentment for his depression but also feel like I am responsible for his moods. I can’t figure out if I am codependent.

[@deekum6557]

I think it is ehen they are exposed tp the same toxic environment a narcissist is exposed as a child, but do not progress into being a Narcissist. Instead learn to depend and shadow Narcs Vulnerabla narcissists can abuse susbstance. Co dependent will cover for them

[@garrimic3]

NPD has a lot of similarities to codependency.

[@garydomaz1849]

This also sounds like a relationship between an emotionally incestuous mother who can’t find a love interest and her son. She sort of tries to make her son the man she never had.