What is the family scapegoat?

[@turkeeg7644]

I'm the scapegoat of my family. They think I'm a malfunctioning unit because I won't stand for their abuse . Disgusting beyond belief.

[@sixtysense]

Same here.

[@alittlebitnat]

Same same ❤

[@incognito3599]

Every time you say trash can, i cant help but burst out laughing... i can admit, i have always been the trash can at school and at home🤷🏽‍♀️💃🏽

[@understandingyourself967]

Spot on, Mary! Supporting you all the way! The Narcissists off load their hurts onto the Scapegoat but do so via smokes and mirrors. The mistake the Scapegoat makes to believe their mistruths and lies to take the blame that was never theirs to take. When you become an 'Aware Scapegoat'; you can face the games played and give their lies and mistruths back to the narcissist in a kind and loving way - where it belongs. Stand up to the Narcissist. Gently call them out in an appropriate manner and do not take their drama and chaos that is all untrue. No longer be the vessel for their pain. The Scapegoat represents love, truth, kindness and compassion - be proud of who you are!

[@micivalantincic8227]

Me and my partner are both scapegoats. And we long ago decided to be child free and and this here.

[@Norplinger]

It's quite chilling listening to a stranger describe my childhood experience with such accuracy. I am autistic, but I did't know this until I was in my late 40s. I strongly suspect that autistic or otherwise neuro-divergent children often take on this role, because we find it so difficult to comprehend the purpose of deception.

[@annmariemcconnachie2944]

Excellent point...

[@waywardmd]

I am the scapegoat in my family. Thanks for helping me stay sane enough to realize what is going on, so I can deal with my situation. ❤️

[@betinansi201]

Very true, i was actually told by my so called mum that she and my dad had given permission and authority to my siblings to do anything they so wished to me and they will give them their full support . And for sure that was my life, my siblings insulted and assaulted me and our parents supported them. My parents assaulted, mistreated and insulted me and nt brainwashed siblings supported them. Bad things were done to me then i was blamed for them. The biggest enablers are the society who watch and know its wrong but keep quiet . Thanks Mary.

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

That's horrific. 😰

[@pamgori8008]

OMG..how do you stay sane? I just had another passive aggressive put down conversation with my entitled mother on the phone and I went into trigger mode AGAIN..The anger inside of me for all the years of neglect and shaming literally has destroyed me from the inside out Sad thing is ..they get off on it!! BOSTON 🍀

[@betinansi201]

@@scapegoatchildrecovery absolutely horrific. Thanks Mary.

[@betinansi201]

@@pamgori8008 its tough staying sane. Very tough indeed. I pray a lot and some how still existing by God's grace. So sorry to hear about that. Yes they get away with it. Really sad. 😭😭😭. Thanks for your kindness. Best wishes to you too. Hugs x

[@betinansi201]

@@pamgori8008 yes the trigger modes 😭😭😭😭, so sorry. I hadly go through a day without a trigger.

[@michaelsager5688]

Accepting, understanding my family was predatory and I was a good person is so mind bending! I was hated for my existence. I was told in words, behavior and acrions they would have gladly loved me except for how repulsive I was. I was made to believe I created there cruelty, I was responsible for there hostility. There was no way for me as a little boy to see all this and yet I did on some level. I could see the emporer had no clothes. I could feel I was being dumped on and that others where being given and accepting the green light to hurt me. In the end I concluded it was me. To many people for too long said it was me and later society told me it was me! I definitely could see and simultaneously concluded it was me. I still can't put my self in there shoes. I can't picture hurting someone over and over and sleeping well. I can't imagine as a highly sensitive person living to protect myself at the expense of others. Gratefully I dont feel as much a need to understand as I did before to accept. I can simply accept this really did happen to me and I don't have to hold on to how they see me anymore

[@highplainsdrifter699]

As a scapegoat, and INFJ.T EMPATH ..truthteller , we are everything that the NARCISSIST will never live to be . 🇬🇧🇬🇧

[@Mychannel67-wh4tc]

The scapegoat is the one with empathy.

[@DevonExplorer]

I've just caught up with all your videos since finding your channel, Mary. I should have watched this one first but I thought I knew what a scapegoat is. You've explained it in such a way that it makes complete sense why the family does that. I was very much a truth teller and what they do is incredibly cruel as it makes you deny yourself and your own perceptions or needs. I can't tell you how grateful I am for your insights as it's uncovered a whole new aspect of my healing I didn't know I needed...if that makes sense, lol. Thank you. :)

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

Thank you for the lovely message and feedback Devon. You're very welcome :-)

[@anna-rosephipps3132]

At times i say "no. Not so" then i go YES! That is it exactly. I never had the words. Just knew it was unfair, cruel the way i had been treated. My mum was cold. They all joined in. I was the difficult one. Joining the dots now, slowly.

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

♥️

[@christiridley1009]

Your explanation of this destructive family dynamic is so therapeutic and very clearly comes from your experience and deep thought regarding this role. Thank you for shining your light of wisdom with us. ❤

[@carolwilson5440]

Thank you for putting words to these types of bad mental behaviors , I have been on the receiving end in younger years from a brother , and an oldest sister most recently , It’s taken yrs to see it and realize it , bless you Mary for your transparency and understanding. I’m so glad to have found your channel . ❤

[@lindawinters363]

Wow…ok…now I am getting some clarity on my husband’s family. When their scapegoat moved away, I (the daughter in law) became the new scapegoat. My sisters in law told me not to dig too deep and not to take it personally. They did not want to discuss issues that would come up (blissful denial), nor would they support me (or they might become the target). I am trying to limit my time with their family, set boundaries and spend time with my own kind, compassionate friends. My husband cannot openly talk about this, but quietly supports me. I am definitely going to watch your videos, Mary. You have amazing insights…thank you so much!

[@barbaras5874]

You are brilliant and so wise. I'm so happy I found you.

[@abcd1234....]

Thank you Mary, your calm approach is really powerful in that it reduces the feelings of trauma and drama around this issue. I hesitate to talk about myself because it can feel like some kind of 'scapegoat olympics' :))) BUT to say that I am the youngest of 4 boys with two narcissistic parents. The most helpful advice is to accept that they will not change. The cult is endlessly inventive and dedicated to trashing the goat. In particular there is one very important point you make that really resonated - they pick us because we are strong. In that way it is a perverse kind of validation!

[@karenwokes6596]

You have described my family so well.

[@DosBear]

I was most definitely chosen as the family scapegoat each and every Christmas that my Dad called to speak to one of his children because he was alone due to circumstances of his broken marriage. I was the one put on the phone with him when no one else would speak to him. I was the one that got to know him throughout my life until he finally died. And I was the one that was scapegoated for giving my Father some empathy which actually protected my Mother and siblings from potentially being harmed because she lived in fear of what he may do after being completely alienated from his entire family. I was the one thrown to the wolves and judged for even speaking to the man. This is a prime example of how a scapegoat is created. Now I'm supposed to feel guilty for having done so. I loved my Dad and I was fortunate to have had him in my life, something my siblings cannot say and that's just sad. I'll pass on any further guilt tripping BS and choose the route of No Contact instead.Thanks anyway. For the record, I also love my alcoholic family but I will no longer put up with this judgement and behavior simply because my Mother cannot deal with the history of her life and the struggles she may have suffered. Peace

[@takforce06]

I have an addict brother. And my late father was semi estranged from my siblings after his divorce with mom. I talked to dad when no one else would. I heard stories no one else knew. Same with my brother. In 2020, it was Christmas. A month after my father passed, I stayed at my addict brother’s home with his family. My siblings ragged on him the whole time I was at my sister’s house for the holiday. They couldn’t resist making him the scapegoat with all the issues in the family. Dysfunctional families act like they are “home,” but they are actually a false product. A Venus flytrap. They lure you in and then consume your goodness and hope till you are bitter, resentful, and jaded like them. They throw everyone under the bus and give the illusion that they won’t if you’re good. They want us to seek their approval. HELLNO. I approve me. And that’s the best person to ask.

[@MissouriCrookedBarnHomestead]

I had to cut my family out of my life except for my daughters. I'm in my mid 40's, so I am where you are with having grown up in an era without technology, then into technology, and learned through taking Psychology courses in school. One particular Psychology course was an eye opener for me. My Mother has BPD, undiagnosed, but I'm 100% positive it is what she has. I had a very strange, at times wonderful, many times terrible, shameful, embarrassing, traumatic, and so much more childhood. I am the product of a continuing close family relations through many generations. Then, here I was, always striving to be more than what I was born into, always trying to escape, but yet terrified of the world around me because I was so sheltered in one aspect. Your life sounds so very much like a mirror to mine. I have an entire section of my family that I've never known, nor do they want very much to do with me because of my immediate family. My Father and Mother, both, used to say horrible things about everyone else in the world. It is hardest around the holidays when I know my Mother is sitting at home with nowhere to go because all the bridges have been burned so to say.

[@stevejohnson747]

Stepped out at 44, now I'm 46. I believe they all follow the lie.

[@LLove-fi9xp]

Wow I'm 45 and stepping out.

[@filledemartel732]

I have struggled with panic attacks and anxiety since a child. I would cry for a month after every family reunion. I would try to reason with logic, trying to prove my innocence, but then I was accused of slandering. Then I realized that they didn't care about truth, or about having a relationship with me. They NEEDED me to be the scapegoat to continue to function. Same happened to my husband with his family, and his sister looked at me blankly when I gently tried to explain the unwritten rule in their family that my hubby can be blamed for everything. Every day, we are so grateful for each other. My gentle, gentle husband. Of course, we have been slandered, blamed etc by both families that seem to grind their teeth that my husband and I have been happily married for almost 35 years. Yeah, the fiery accusations flame around us, even being told that we are the epitome of evil (for becoming Christian). So we choose to forgive and cook marshmallows in the flames. And we pray for God to help them and that the truth set them free. Life is too short to be upset. Maybe all the attacks could shorten my life, but I choose to live victorious, not in anger or fear.

[@pamgori8008]

It's amazing how many of us scapegoats are out there..thanks to this and other channels we are learning the blame shifting techniques they use against us..doesn't God say something about bearing false witness..against your neighbor? How about against your own kids? No wonder it takes us years to gain our true identity and Freedom..craziness.. BOSTON ☘️

[@pamgori8008]

@@filledemartel732 hey thanks for getting back..ya..but it's not only family others like co workers and false friends can see us coming a mile away..they too must have scapegoats they have abused in their own family.they take that as a free ticket to ride on our backs..they give us tests to see how agreeable we are and after a few they think they've got us..setting up healthy boundaries fails because they will do it behind your back anyway hoping you never notice..like sabotage.. smearing and stalking Going through that now and it's complete evil..it makes one hypervigelent always trying to read between the lines before the attack I never thought anyone would ever believe this as I am an only child and had no backup..wasn't spoiled..far from it.. BOSTON 🍀

[@cynthiajohnson9412]

I love your beautiful energy! I connected with you before I even heard you say a word.

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

That's so kind, thank you Cynthia

[@witchinthewildvanlife]

I'm the scapegoat 🐐 they think I'm just an unstable mess half the time and blame my mental health. Everything you said I can relate to unfortunately 😕

[@stevejohnson747]

Thank you for your channel

[@Shiryone]

I can't help but wonder if the scapegoats are all either empaths or highly sensitive people. If not the "tactics" would not get the perverted results they are desiring. TY.

[@KasieMusic]

Enpaths, highly sensitives, neurodivergent, highly intelligent... simply different

[@DHW256]

Wow! You undress the emperor with great accurate detail! Our mother had many secrets for which she projected immense shame and guilt onto her entire family. She was afforded great levity even as she abused us all and respected none of our boundaries. As a small child I frequently, unwittingly picked up on her problems and, by default, faced her with the truth, which made me one of her great lifelong scapegoats. Perhaps it's a good thing Mom's avarice, envy, disregard and abuse was all I knew as a child because, had I known how a "normal" parent was supposed to behave, she would have really had her hands full. Once I had children, I was compelled to face those hard choices to be a good parent or continue the curses. And, sure enough, as my children engaged with my parents, the awful truth of who Mom was surfaced again and again, until I finally stopped bringing them to her, and we completely walked away. And, yes, the sickness does appear to go back many generations. Two of my siblings, a few cousins and I have determined to put an end to it. Mom's enablers have done their best to protect her secrets, to keep hidden her psychopathy from friends, while continuing to subject her scapegoats to the same treatment as when she was still living; and they seem determined to raise their own children in the same hellish ways as we were raised, fomenting golden children and scapegoats within their clans.

[@sirrantsalott]

Yes! We have an intuitive way of seeing things without things being said. This is why we are so good at problem solving and have such an entrepreneurial spirit in any area of your life. I love my innate talents. Thanks to me I hung on to my true self this whole time. My family does not know what’s gotten into me and I don’t give a flying goats butt about it. (Well it took a lot to get to this place of self-assurance and acceptance). What can I say, we are THE only reason that trauma stops from continuing and they lost their chance at freedom when they wanted to shush me up. Their loss indeed. 😌

[@gggg4444b]

Absolutely.

[@sixtysense]

Thank you for this insightful and supportive video.

[@conantheseptuagenarian3824]

well said.

[@sheiladeptowicz546]

Thank you so much. I'm very grateful for your channel.

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

great to hear, thank you Sheila!

[@Whoever68]

For me it wasn’t my parents but rather my two remaining siblings. It hurts so much to know I will never have my family in my life again (with siblings and their families). I am grateful that I have my children and my partner and I love them so very much. Knowing I will not have those that have known me my whole life in my life going into old age is painful but also knowing that if I let them in again will cause me so much more hurt and pain. My parents are gone so now I’m alone.

[@KathyJacksonSanDiegoRealEstate]

Well said Mary.

[@aleksandarvuksa4491]

Thank you so much for your informative videos since i discovered through Quora. I am hoping to read more videos about you since i've been struggling towads my narssitic families they attempt to follow me old-school stuff. First one is regards to my older brother: I was born in 1997 and my older brother was born in 1995, so we come in an two years apart about the philisophy we try to clash each other. My brother is obessed with FPS, loves Liverpool and idolizes Fernando Torres, as well as Partizan, both football and basketball. Basketball is an one example of my older brother being in love with these kinds of sports. For me, i grew up watching Cartoon Networks stuff in my youth and would frequently watch classic cartoons such as Popeye, Tom and Jerry like that. Around the time in mid/late-00s somewhere, i began to explore some of the most exciting about Japan's pop culture like anime, video games and other forms of medium and it made me falling in love with Japan. The early-00s was my gateway to the Digimon anime that aired in RTS TV in Serbia. And when i realize how Japan's pop culture is huge, i always asked my dad and brother about getting internet during the late-00, but they refused, thinking that it had virus that will damage the computer and thus they refused to let me giving it. I wasn't until i finally got a chance on getting intenret in 2010 and i was around 13 when i got one. Since that time, i grew exposed to the interent where one fandom is an Pokemon that is extremely huge and i wanted my brother to ask him how amazing Pokemon is and huge fandom is. But he thinks that Pokemon is for kids and he said to me that he should play an mature and FPS shooting stuff. That's how we got into clash each other about desirable interests we want. He is also homophobic and he dosen't want me to watch any series or play any games that have LGBT elements it, he also thinks that when i said to him about what is transgender, he states it is not good nature stuff that it shouldn't be talked about. That soon escalated in 2022 when i argument with him about being against LGBT and how he wanted me to follow the same pattern as homophobic, stating that is considered an gross stuff and unnatural being, and it should talk nor saying that it is not good think to talk about it. My brother thinks that people accepting more LGBT these days, as well as same-sex couple getting married, it will lead to an population fall of the world. The way i attempt to change them ended in such a failure really devastated me about he acted so aggresive about their old-school stuff. My brother is also extremely overconfident and loves how technology advancement will make it better and lead it better family life. The second is my dad: My dad is born in 1960 and he is obessed with rock music, 1970s songs he grew up with. He is also an avid fan of horror movies, and gets him more excited when the screaming woman in certain horror movies are heard. He is also obessed classic cartoons stuff he grew up with, with Popeye and Tom and Jerry noticeable being the main reason for forcing me to watch these kinds of cartoons. His love for Japan pop culture he likes are Akira Kurosawa and Japanese classic films, he also thinks that Japanese films are way more popular and is considered as Japan's "historical and cultural exports". My dad also likes Digimon that was shown on my Serbian cable TV channel that i grew up with. I always wanted to have internet in such young age for the much of late-2000s, but my dad didn't let me getting one, thinking that it had virus it in and it could potentially damaged the computer in an hard day. It wasn't until i finally manage to convince on getting one in 2010, and after getting one, my dad contiunes to abuse me and not wanting me to use some stuff that is not suitable for me to watch and do things. I wanted to create my own social media accounts like Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and others, but dad (alongside his mom) refused for me to do so, thinking that social media is for adults and not for kids (i know only 13 years or older can have social media account, but they attempt brainwash me to follow the 20th century stuff). I also wanted to upload my photos of an myself and the food that is popular trending on social media sites like Tumblr, as well as other personal stuff i got from other peers, but my parents didn't let me to upload my photos of pictures nor he let me making new friends on the internet and instead opt interacting people in face-to-face and forcing to take an photo in an form of offline stuff and not being uploaded in online. My dad also attempt for me to do old-school way by forcing me to watch chinese films, which he mistakes them as Japanese films, that he grew up with. I also ask my dad to tune the volume out so that i won't hear screaming woman in horror movies, but he didn't wanted to do and keep to volume on in order to show how much he loves horror movie genre. The way i hear screaming woman in horror movies really scared me and it resulted me in low-self esteem. And from that very time, i always ask me dad to go to the doctor in late-2010s to ask him about the trauma i suffered from, but he wouldn't believe in me and i ended up skipping at the end of late-2010s because my dad didn't listened to me so badly. And ever since that time, i have suffered numeroous mental health issues from my families and their on what is legal and what is illegal for me to do so and i have contiune to hold grudge against my families for their awful/old-school thinking after the 2010s ended. Since then, i have keep arguging with my parents and goes as far to bashing myself over what my families did to me on their narrow-mindedes they caused to me. I am currently planning to go to doctor, psychologist in the Monday to ask them about what i've done. Hopefully, they'll understand this way. Also, i am looking foward to watch your videos more of yours one day and learn all aspect about why to deal with my abusive, old-schooled, narsasstic families. (Sorry if my English is poor, since i am from Serbia and English is not my native langauge).

[@dextercube1822]

Mary, do you think the eldest sibiling is usually the scapegoat?

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

No. It varies.

[@uyoebyik]

I think it's the child who's least like the parents and not so brainwashable

[@DJH97]

I’m the youngest. Beat up by abusive father who physically abused all of us 3 girls and then my oldest sister beat on me as well when the parents would go out Saturday nights. To this day she bullies and hates me. Has been this way all my life. Took everyone’s crap then all I heard from parents is “get over it”. “Have to forgive “. “ be the bigger person”. The abuse then just continued. My mother wouldn’t talk to me for months/years then my father would command that I “go hug your mother “ and all I ever did was ask her about why she lied about me or why I wasn’t treated well like the other 2 girls. Then only answer was “that’s just the way it is”. Walked away a month ago at 62 after horrid treatment after the death of my oldest son. Cannot emotionally do it any longer. Will probably be in therapy the rest of my life.

[@Smellslikenarcspirit]

I,m the oldest one out of my dysfunctional family and scapegoat

[@mysticsuzi]

@@DJH97 I don't know who you are, but here is a big hug! I am sorry you lost your son. You are in good company with a bunch of other scapegoat escapees! I left at 45 and now I am 62. .IT GETS BETTER I promise. YOU ARE WORTH THE EFFORT.

[@samuelwaxman7404]

Good morning Mary and God bless you... Fron a previous video you mentioned human rights and I would like more clarity on that comment and what exactly were you saying or mean? ... #3

[@serenadm6619]

Do you feel that because you have been the target of this in the home you are then susceptible to bullying in school and then the work place ? It is as if others pick up on your susceptibility 😢

[@kyarichards2894]

"You're too sensitive"........ that's a red flag. Often used to disempower a child.

[@alk158]

At the same time a kid doesn't have to be super intuitive either the oldest child is many time the scapegoat for obvious reasons and someone has to be scapegoat.

[@jaredvaughan1665]

Do you know what mbti type you are?

[@MonicaGunderson]

Scapegoat and Truth Seeker. Moved out of state, and away from my narcissist, bipolar, abusive stepdad at age 18. Married a wonderful man, however his mom is narcissistic.... And now I am the in-laws scapegoat.... Ugh.... Creating distance lately because I am done with being treated this way. I have a chronic illness, an autoimmune disease, and immunocompromised.... MIL acts like I am faking it, which is seriously dangerous during covid times..... Especially since she thinks covid isn't that bad, and I am overreacting..... Even though my doctors and specialists are advising I continue to be mindful, careful of my surroundings, and stand by my boundaries. Being immunocompromised means cold, flu, covid could easily land me in the hospital, ICU, or death..... So, I am the "bad person" for a genetic autoimmune disease, aka I was born with it.... According to MIL, I am "ruining" the family. 🙄 My MIL once told me, "I wish your family had a high pain tolerance like my family".... 🙄😑 I have Ankylosing Spondylitis, Fibromyalgia, Congenital Cervical Spinal Stenosis (born with a narrow spinal canal in my neck), bilateral Carpal tunnel, and bilateral cubical tunnel.... It's very all very painful.....

[@catteb4368]

So, all your family and friends who have known you all your life -ALL of them think you might have psychological problems. But you KNOW they're wrong, and your answer is to cut off all contact with them and refuse to even use the words "mother" and "father". I'd be interested to get their perspective tbh. Just sayin

[@douglasr8036]

What’s sickening is how well our laws appear to be aligned with supporting the toxic families abuse. Which makes sense given that legislators have their own family scapegoats. Why create laws that would benefit the scapegoat and place accountability on themselves? They aren’t going to change the rules for thee but not for me mindset.

[@katchiewilliams4638]

Shout out from OZ ❤. Firstly, thank you for articulating my thoughts & feelings. Coming to terms with being a child BORN into this INSANITY- It’s a bond that only GOD can break!!! Thanks Be To God! My long life wish is now my REALITY! That person is now back…. But my “Boundaries “ IS and ALWAYS B my Peace! Something I’ll always fight for!!! PEACE ✌️ LOVE ❤️ & LIGHT 💡