How do I live with the hurt? [of family rejection & contempt]

[@libertycan6959]

I'm a scapegoat. Truly a tragic journey.

[@jonellis6235]

I’m a 60 year old eldest gay male adopted scapegoat. Recently gone no contact with my 3 family members. I’m trying to deal with sadness and a sense of loss. It hurts but I don’t think contact is in best interest. Thank you for validating my confusing situation.

[@rebeccabriggs2982]

You might like The Royal We channel and Richard Grannon. I watch these two plus Mary which I've found to be a perfect mix for education, healing etc. One thing for sure is the confusion.... a sure sign.

[@kaystephens2672]

I know. The hard part is the emotional relationship. The connection is very tough. I, too, just didn't fit in with my adopted family. It's the rejection that leaves us so naked and feeling vulnerable. My word for the day is "civilized". Like feeling like I have civilized emotions. That works for me. I control them. And no one else. If someone is out of control, are they acting civilized? Because it's the out if control behavior that is so bizzare to me. I can control myself and act like a civilized human being. But can they act like civilized adults? Or nasty little children? We get to decide too. Don't we? No one has a Right to be in your space. Love them from afar. If that's what it takes to be happy.

[@earthrooster1969]

Your comment and Mary's video...give me strength to break free. Things have come to a point where I cannot pretend any more that things are okay...I need to go no contact...one feels one can get by pretending it's okay...it becomes unbearable after a point! Your life has been tough but you have faced it for what it is! That's BIG ❤

[@earthrooster1969]

​​@@kaystephens2672Civilized emotions...made me smile 😊 that's a great way of putting it...

[@GodiscomingBhappy]

@jonellis6235 congratulations for having the courage to go no contact.... it hurts because there is the injury of not having a decent family but the pride that we took care of number one. Love yourself and say it often❤🌹🙏

[@wendyapfeldorf2120]

Even before the scapegoat learns about narcissism, there is the intuitive feeling that something is off in the family. Learning about narcissism is validation for the scapegoat who has been invalidated. The scapegoat has been grieving and trying to make it work their whole life. Certain events, like a parent’s illness or death give the scapegoat reason to believe a change could take place. The family will realize the fragility and brevity of life and cherish the time they have to spend together. This hope does not materialize and the abuse continues. The scapegoat knows they have been robbed of something important and must process the feelings of loss, sadness and anger. The scapegoat must be honest about their situation with others who inquire about the family but this doesn’t mean providing too much information. The scapegoat realizes that it is not possible to have a healthy relationship with narcissistic family members. Others may see the false selves of the narcissistic family members but the scapegoat has seen their true selves.

[@dnk4559]

Very well said!

[@alanfrancis9225]

Number (1) rule of a dysfunctional family. There’s nothing wrong with us.

[@Julie-ii9px]

Excellent summary 👏

[@c.jakubowski6549]

Thank you for this excellent summary. 👍

[@Ariadne76-k3d]

Well said!

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

I need to grieve too. The injustice of this situation is a trigger for me.

[@hermesgestistruism]

Same. I was the family scapegoat in life and continue to be after the narcissist's death. Plan on a last name change soon, those people belong in the past. I don't know if I'm done grieving or if I haven't really even started yet. Best of luck. ✌️❤️🔮

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

@@hermesgestistruism that’s very tough. Compassion to you.

[@Ariadne76-k3d]

Me too. And the ironic thing is that I am not missing anything by not hanging out with my family. I just wish I had a different family.

[@A.S.Harfenklang]

​@@Ariadne76-k3dOne can have good friends at least. ❤

[@Sparrow0514]

I’m choosing to be thankful for being the scapegoat of my dysfunctional family. I believe that God uses all things for the good to those who love him. I pray that he will be merciful to my persecutors and that satisfies my sense of justice. I thank him for the continued healing, his love and compassion for me. hope that I can help you., but, ya, the grieving is absolutely essential…part of being real as opposed to their fake pathetic gaslighting selves. 😭😂

[@andersdottir1111]

I made the conscious decision Xmas day to only speak to those family members who are kind and respectful towards me; and I have continued this practice through this year. It’s made a huge difference to me, even on a physical level- my migraines have gone away. I do this out in public too, I don’t make random conversation with strangers as there are so many narcissists out there they use that as an opportunity to abuse (it happens so quickly too- I’ve been subtly abused while just paying for petrol - I don’t go to that petrol station anymore). I’m super strict in my social engagements too - only seeing kind non-abusive friends.

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

I love this so much, thanks for sharing. Yes - Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries.

[@mariaridler1831]

Wow that happens to me a lot too. I get verbal abuse from complete strangers without any provocation. Sometimes I think I give out some kind of vibe!?

[@helenaville5939]

@@mariaridler1831 It's more likely that you display a void that is identifiable by those who would wish to fill it. The empty void in ourselves is usually where "self love" should reside. Learn to love yourself in order to fill the void. You have probably heard the old expression "The devil loves a vacuum".... meaning a cruel deed is always seeking a home. A void created by the absence of self-love is always going to be the ideal place for other people's suppressed hurts and emotions to be expressed. You have probably also heard the old saying "Hurt people hurt people". Break the cycle in your own life by loving yourself, so that you won't pass on your suppressed feelings of hurt and self-hatred to others in the form of cruelty, and so that others no longer have access to an empty void in you where self-love ordinarily resides. I wish you happiness and joy. 💚

[@mariaridler1831]

@@helenaville5939 this is so very true. I’m working on self love. I hope I’m making progress. Thank you wishing you joy and happiness too 💕💕

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

@@helenaville5939 wow- a lot there. Thanks

[@annaleonie2731]

Don't forget the betrayal to work through. They betrayed you as a child. Betrayal is a biggy!

[@reesedaniel5835]

Numerous betrayals beginning at the earliest memories of childhood....

[@elizabethingram9784]

Absolutely. Betrayal is excrutiating.

[@craigconenna3399]

Going no contact was the hardest thing i ever had to do, because I was trained to believe family was the most important thing. I suffered from fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. for 20 years before I went no contact. After two years a lot of my medical conditions began to magically improve or totally disappear. It has now been almost 7 years since I went no contact the pain and the grief which I think at some level will always be there does get better over time as I grieve the loss.

[@naemasufi]

wow, so glad about the fibro.

[@joannabrites6288]

Being the family scapegoat is like being raped, but instead of the rapist doing time in jail we do. We keep paying for a crime we didn’t commit. I’m 59 yrs old and just learned why my life has turned into such a mess. I have CPTSD and I can’t heal fast enough so I can undue the damage. I take rejection so hard. I feel crazy most of the time and i ruminate in my dysfunction family who has taken enough from me. I wish I can be normal but I know I’m not. There’s no help out there as far as the professionals. I going to try another program now. I have to because I won’t make it. Living day to day is such a huge challenge for me. Please God help me.

[@Cinnamon.Apples7]

Joanna, you’re not alone! My advice would be to read chapter Yusuf from the Quran. There are many gems and inspirations there that can transform a feeling of victimhood into beauty and strength.

[@infplife1637]

Hope you're feeling much better now 💐

[@naemasufi]

@@Cinnamon.Apples7 I AGREE. Sufism helped me so much.

[@debrawoodrick2889]

Knowing Jesus loves you really helps. He experienced rejection by his family too. Then he said his real family were those who loved him . Even if you're having a hard time with rejection just be around people. Don't even try to get close. Even that will help.

[@rs5570]

I’m always alone for Christmas, Thanksgiving, et al. But by far the hardest is my birthday. My birthday was 2 days ago and as usual I’m alone. There is no cake or a little gift to mark the day I entered this world; it’s as though I’m nothing. Evem as a child my parents did any awful thing they could think of to ruin and hurt me for my birthday. Then say it was my fault I ruined my own birthday. My own beloved dog I give a wonderful birtday with presents & treats, a special dog cake & games - so he knows he’s terribly loved & cherished just for being alive. It matters not if he exactly understands. It’s because he is loved. My heart breaks thinking of the cruelties done to me by my parents on my childhood birthdays & I felt especially sad this year, & still today.

[@Ariadne76-k3d]

So sorry you are going through that! I also spend holidays alone. It has gotten easier over the years. I focus on the fact that lots of people dread these get-togethers, and I don't have to do them. I just get a relaxing day off! It's a good time to order Chinese food and just chill out.

[@joannabrites6288]

Me too, I love you and happy birthday. We need in person meetings

[@jackieellison4596]

Happy birthday and know I’d like to share the day with you

[@estherann7407]

I never had a birthday growing up. My siblings did but not me. My mom hated me and was certainly not going to allow me to have attention on my birthday. Now, I spend the alone but celebrate with a special meal and I go bowling and maybe a movie. I really enjoy the day! Sending virtual Birthday hugs❤

[@snowbear1877]

I would like to wish you a happy birthday 🎈🎂🎂🎉❤

[@kasondaleigh]

I’d like to know how to get rid of my ANGER. I HATE my family and hate is not an emotion I want to encourage. I’d like to forgive them, but I keep remembering how they deliberately destroyed my life and my rage returns. The ugliness I feel towards them needs to go away so I can be the person I want to be.

[@incognito3599]

Anger is part of the healing process,you will eventually release it when you deal with and process the anger and betrayal and get it out. Sending much love to you❤️😘

[@Ariadne76-k3d]

It is so unjust to be abused,then unjust to not be supported. Then add in the fact that so many other people don't understand why someone would go no contact - it's crazy-making!

[@lucybraun8969]

You have to separate yourself from the hurt. Look at it objectively from a third person perspective. The likelihood is you were falling for an illusion , for what you wanted, or thought it could become, rather than what it truly was.

[@A.S.Harfenklang]

@@lucybraun8969 I think that the hirt is natural and needs to be felt... and then looking at it from an above perspective as you suggest as well as righteous anger help me, the hurt stops.

[@annandall9118]

Mary, it's completely beyond me how anyone can see you as a bad person ❤

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

That’s very sweet of you. Thank you ☺️

[@reclamationinstitute]

This is such an important topic. Thank you for all that you do. May 2023 be a healing year for everyone.

[@earthrooster1969]

It certainly looks like 2023 is a point of looking back and taking a long hard look at what we need to do to get inner peace, clarity and closure...

[@ShaylaLove21]

I remember being told “don’t go telling anyone about what happens here as they will come in a van and take you away to a children’s home”and the classic “nobody will believe you you stupid girl!”

[@jonellis6235]

The childhood we thought we had. That’s an excellent point. Only realized my memories of good times weren’t really that good. That’s been a difficult thing for me to accept, but it’s reality. Closure is a personal thing comes in time I guess!!

[@judithsnyder3577]

I am older now and I cannot believe what it was really like too. Sorry you havecto process it too. It hurts but prob will turn into good.

[@lisacartwheel3693]

I removed my mom from my life; now i want to remove her from my head.

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

I get it.

[@reesedaniel5835]

You never had a mom. None of us scapegoats of narc egg donors ever had a mom. We were orphans in a home with a fake "mother"....

[@naemasufi]

not easy is it

[@Sizzle_74]

Same with my dad. It’s awful.

[@portableportal]

It is difficult to feel the hurt, the pain and damage the narcissist have caused is so overwhelming that i dont even know how to deal wih it anymore

[@ezequielmca4385]

Maybe switching the concept you are the victim and validating yourself? By doing this you should be brave enough to have some nasty feelings toward them.

[@alanfrancis9225]

@@ezequielmca4385 Read my post.

[@noodlesm8282]

It’s so excruciating 😣

[@annied9864]

Wish I had your videos 7 yrs ago I lost my home career and identity through untreated trauma thank you ❤

[@bobbysgirl8365]

Thank you Mary for all you do and for being inclusive of all cultures. Could you do a video explaining why people who join the family join in with abuse of scapegoat.

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

Thank you. Hmmm... I'm not sure if there'd be enough to do a whole video on that? Those people are acting as sheep, asleep, scared of the Ringleader, perhaps highly traumatised themselves and most likely come from similiar backgrounds of dysfunction making the behviour seem oh so familiar to them. If the toxic dynamics were NOT familiar to them, they'd be shocked and appauled and probably not be fearful to say something.

[@bobbysgirl8365]

@@scapegoatchildrecovery thank you Mary X

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

⁠@@scapegoatchildrecovery this is a helpful response, I will need read and listen and consider more again. Also I have always had an orientation to see from another person’s own difficulty and be understanding, making sense- this I realise is leaving me very vulnerable to over tolerance and now I see other areas of small subtle abuses. Now with other relationships I now see , the need to step back- full of pain points- I especially want to say there is an additional vulnerability with friends who have “now created our own family “ the ideal etc, but here I’ve experienced bad treatment I’ve been blamed for.. that is a manipulation and also these are people with lots of therapy understanding and more in their life. I’m especially saying this for people here, especially younger people as there is the hope we can have friends for family. I’m sad to feel the need to write this. But be careful- we are all worth it- I sometimes wonder is it like some sort of unconscious pack mentality in people. I’m independent, fun, kind, capable- I’m not doing “needy” in the friendships. Here listening to you speak- It’s so deeply shocking- when I hear it about you- Its so wrong, it makes no sense, I’ll go as far as saying it’s a kind of evil. I can say this so clearly hearing your story. it’s my story too and yet when it comes to myself I scrutinise myself closely for signs of why, what did I do to cause this, what could I have done to stop this. I ask none of these Questions about you or others experiencing similar. The “friends for family” group described above, I was actually scapegoated in- I’m a woman of a mature age, I stepped away, fortunately a counsellor named some behaviours (one person in particular)as toxic, otherwise I was on the road to chronic introspection about me. I am disappointed, let down and angry about what happened. I am also angry and disappointed with myself I didn’t quickly pull the plug when the small nastiness started and others totally ignored it . I’m processing this well and only discussing with my counsellor. In public these people are so lovely. We needed be in joint company, the social personas were polished and the shunning remained. I held my boundaries in that group company. I put thought into it after. I learned for myself how I could name scapegoating, if needed ever. The opportunity arose very recently, an aged parent’s funeral,I decided not to go, she was very cruel and a tyrant. She was extremely abusive all round but some got an extra dose my father long since dead during his life he never tried stop her we felt sorry for him too never identifying we were just kids, too many at that. For years I thought I’d be well able put in an appearance if needed for my siblings. However the reason I did not go it’s my siblings behaviour that has me not going. Shunning of me, and my children for several years by a sibling her husband. I was so close to all our lives. I was a big protector to all our siblings etc. And other family members colluding etc. General nastiness etc you know the deal, used lots, exclusions, smears… and a social persona. This particular sibling shunning has been the most traumatic of everything, never in my wildest dream, did I think she could do this. I wasted years in very poor therapy describing this and the horrible treatment of my husband toward me- I was blamed for having no boundaries by this Therapist. Both situations were abuse and I lived through absolute hell- I have children. Eventually many years later, his behaviour was confirmed, until then it was, “ relationship breakdown” Don Hennessy. Radio interview Easter 2018, his book Steps to Freedom, validated my husband experience and from there I slowly put together other family pieces, once ex eventually moved out and when we could have done with help child here with additional needs, financially not good, like I always gave others, their nastiness escalated in small ways… I’m the only sibling on my own with my kids like this, and was the brave and competent “helper” I never considered I could be a scapegoat, we sadly had a named black sheep brother since he was a kid who had a lot of problems and kept going back to her and who I have always been respectful towards. It’s possible have more than one scapegoat I now know. I always got extra horrible stuff from her everyone knew that but I survived and fought the good fight and was there for them. I slowly pieced the awful stuff together and from what I learned told a friend I was not going to the funeral due to adult sibling scapegoating. I was very clear and succinct and not emotional with the information, I especially named the shunning and the public persona and helpful to others. I suggested googling. I was glad I had strength and as much closure as possible. Same friend texted to say funeral and flowers were lovely? Perhaps she thought I was watching on line. I made a positive comment about the church building- neutral and with strong boundaries. Her response was that at the removal- that is where people visit a funeral parlour and view the corpse in the company of family- My friend texted to say a former teacher of 40 years ago was speaking with the actual sister - she named her. This teacher remembered me but not this sister. This experience of extreme invalidation disgusts me. We are indeed in a very difficult position with many, including the psychologically educated friends, there is no other real space to address this. I will not share that story with others when I was younger and absolutely I would have, how could she? Etc. I believe this to be a deliberate shaming of me. My relationship has changed. I will see her in company, now and again. My boundaries I have established for this. Enough said. Thank you Mary. It is very grim. You are helping so many decent people here.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

@@bobbysgirl8365 yes shocked and appalled does sound right but it doesn’t happen that way, it’s very strange… wonder what they’ve been told. But that would not even be enough

[@streaming5332]

I find my brother in law and sister in law are more accepting, friendly, normal than actual family members. Take hold of the good things, and keep those people close, to get you through.

[@DHW256]

Yes, my in-law family are wonderful: the members of the family I was born into are most social outlaws, miscreants, no damn good; and I have to admit that my father, who was really a wonderful man on his own, enabled our mother to be the fool she was.

[@streaming5332]

@@DHW256 I identify with this more than you know, and I'm sorry it was like this for you. I really am.

[@DHW256]

@@streaming5332 I was limiting time with my septuagenarian parents, due to Mom's chronic aberrance, when our father was murdered. So, I tried to comfort her, which only gave her supply and reason to continue the abuse. So, I walked away and quietly left the relationship up to her. Though she never once called or visited over the 36 years since I'd left home, she went around telling folks I'd abandoned her. Ironically, one of her flying monkeys caught COVID, and with no respect for her or COVID protocols, visited her with his sick kids in tow immediately after their symptoms seemed dissipated. She caught COVID and died! Is it any surprise he was co-owner of her primary savings account, which he has used to try to manipulate all six of my parents' children? "For the LOVE of money...." They were just alike.

[@streaming5332]

@@DHW256 This is so sad. I'm not sure what is most sad, your mother not acknowledging you cared about her, or her and your brother's insensitivity toward you, people you'd normally expect love from, or the way your mother died. Take in the good around you grab it, tell people what has happened. You are a caring person and you deserve much better than this. I agree with that saying, 'money is the root of all evil'. It was in my family.

[@DHW256]

I did my best to be there for Mom after our father, her husband, was murdered. If I was with her in public, she mostly behaved; but in my absence she'd tell her friends I was a Momma's boy, a hypochondriac, a poor money manager, a weirdo, effeminate. She purposely took our time and activities together out of context, to make herself appear as some sort of victim and make me seem like a monster. I'm sure the friends who had their control of their own faculties were baffled. I'd heard about her misrepresentations and dismissed them until I finally walked in on her lying to her friends about me. After 46 years I walked away and simply left it up to our narc mother to call, visit, demonstrate that she gave a damn (she never did from the day I left for college at 18). I grieved the relationship for almost 50 years, wishing for what could have been. Thankfully, I have a wife and children who love me deeply, who saw first-hand what she did, and they supported my determination to break free from the real monster, my mother.

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

Thank you for sharing ♥️

[@dorisallen100]

I thought only I did that!!! First thought waking up and last thought at night. I went no contact for 6 years and everyday was gut wretching.

[@happycamper3561]

The only thing that has made a difference in my life and recovery from being scapegoated then shunned by my entire narcissistic family system is to take up my cross and follow the Lord Jesus Christ. He loves me and you. He will never leave and He will see you though this.

[@jacrowe3477]

Thank you Mary. yes I need to grieve.

[@glendaruiz2477]

It doesn't to know your own NM and siblings betrayed you and instill pain intentionally for years, but at the same time I feel blessed because no matter how hard they try to destroy me, Jehovah God protects me from their evil plots, and I was good to them, love them and tried to have a close relationship with them, but my NM the chief malignant narcissist causes division within the family, and isolated me from everyone, I'm just glad I went no contact a few years ago, I can see the difference, it was them creating chaos in my life, one day all will come back to them for all they put me through.

[@sickofit5547]

Yes, when you realize that the chaos in your life is from others and not you. You can then identify what/who the issue is. This Is how I found out my family was purposely putting me in to flight or fight. I even saw when they were trying to find out my triggers. Ever conversation being repeated back to me by a different person who wasn’t there. It was so disgusting. I’m trying to find a way to safety. They deliberately are putting me in pain. Straight up witchcraft. All because they won’t focus on their on issues. They think you are the weird one, but in actuality you are the only adult in the family. Sigh.

[@elizabethingram9784]

People with disabilities find this situation as well, and it’s so horrible. You want love from your family but you are treated rudely and rejected. After losing my apartment, I had to move in with my brother and SIL. She has ostersized me from my family members (my nephews and nieces) who used to be very sweet and loving to me but who ignore me now, no hugs, no love. I sit around taking photos and no one speaks to me, some don’t even look me in the eye. I do know that my SIL feels that people with disabilities are not loved by God, etc. It’s really a terrible situation and I hope that my life turns around soon and I’m able to move because it’s very painful having to live this way. She also badmouths my brother to everyone and he is a sweetheart. Why are people so cruel? Her house is covered in crosses, too. I just don’t understand her. I know her treatment of me is based on her own personal issues, but it still hurts.

[@karenwokes6596]

Thank you so much for being a good mentor to me. I felt very alone with my situation. I have many friends who have healthy families and I feel so alone in my dysfunctional family. I have been terribly abused and scapegoated for 58 years. I finally went no contact 18 months ago when my siblings restricted me from visiting my mother in the personal care home. They actually launched such a successful smear campaign that the home views me as a risk to staff and residents! I am a nurse of 30 years and teach nursing students on geriatric wards! How can I be a risk to anyone? My siblings have never allowed or accepted that I was smart enough to be a nurse so do not give me credit for my degree in nursing. The family narrative is that I’m the stupid one. Mom was the narcissist and triangulated us siblings. I was her primary caregiver for the last 15 years. Now they have locked her away in a home, refused to let me visit, and have done damage to my professional reputation! I can’t see mom ever again. She is 93 years old and I won’t have the opportunity to say goodbye.

[@sarahwoodward4470]

❤ love & hugs So sorry to hear your problems with the family. Family can be difficult , sounds like your sibling is jealous of you! I hope you have made a good life for yourself ( partner, kids!)

[@mm669]

They let you do the bulk of the work. Now for your mom's final days, they will swoop in to take all the credit. Also, this will possibly give them time to plot about getting the bulk of your mom's estate. I'm going through this now. It's a terrible place to be. I just keep reminding myself that this too shall pass. When your mom gets to the spirit world, she will have her life review and see the truth of the whole situation.

[@karenwokes6596]

@@mm669 I think you may be right! They said they will make sure I don’t get anything from mom’s estate, I don’t want her money I just want to visit her. My dad passed three years ago and I can just imagine what he would say if he knew what they were doing

[@mm669]

Agreed.

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

@@karenwokes6596 yet your mom really stirred the pot and was central to this and your current suffering. Perhaps you could look at this a bit differently- for your own sake- your strengths your qualifications and how you cared for her for so long, this is the next part of her life journey- you did your best for 15 years. Try highlight that in your head and remember your mom has created a lot of tense energies over the years - you did a great job for a long time but ultimately this is her stuff. They will say what they say- recently someone was asked for my phone number during a funeral organisation- siblings claimed they didn’t have it!!

[@mapitsorangaka1030]

I was a scapegoat in a cult like inlaws dysfunctional family, instead of facing each other confronting each other, challenging each other, the easiest was for all of them putting the blame on me the outsider, My husband would gang with them and not say anything to stand by me, I can relate to being a scapegoat in this context.

[@lenat7198]

Thank you, I like your calm voice, puting words to my hurt. God bless!

[@kateb7155]

Oh it absolutely is a solo journey working through the grief work. I was very "lucky" that i had to do it during the pandemic lockdown when i was living alone in my 3-bedroom house. That is when i arrived at the stage of my therapy-supported recovery work. As challenging as the pandemic and lockdown was, for me it was also a blessing because the social isolation provided the freedom i needed to grieve so deeply. It was a ten-month-long process for me which probably would have taken years under the demands of normal social expectations.

[@reesedaniel5835]

The plandemic lockdown was easy for me. I don't comply with tyranny or globalist propaganda and I continued to live my life the same way I always did. I never wore a communist muzzle, I never allowed their poison 💉into my veins. I follow the Truth, not lies. God has not given me a spirit of fear but of power, and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Tim 1:7 I will walk about in freedom, for I have sought out Your precepts. Psalm 119:35

[@Ariadne76-k3d]

I think one thing that helps is to tell my life as if it were a story that I am telling in the future. It helps me accept that this is what I got.

[@leeannerose8393]

Great advice journalling helps, inner child even poetry has helped me. Place to start current trigger, going to do that thank you.

[@admycroft2385]

I feel it's alp my fault, all I have to Di is agree with family and not share my very different views on what I see as terrible things that have happened and all will be "ok", but I can no longer bare to do this as I feel sick with all the damage that Haa been done. Yet they see it as me being difficult. Recently after a phone call with my mother during which I asked her to help me research alternative therapy fir physical health condition which she has said she would do, she thought she had hung up the phone and I heard her tell her partner I am a terrible man and it's no wonder she wanted to kill me as a child. I was so shocked by this even though it explains a lot.

[@scapegoatchildrecovery]

Sorry to hear your mother is so unwell. 😰

[@jamesrutter4100]

She did it on purpose. STAY AWAY FROM HER AND NEVER SPEAK TO HER AGAIN. OR SHE WILL GET MORE MALICIOUS

[@qdee6250]

I had the same privilege of overhearing her slating me before she decided to hang up, more than a few times. The horrified shock to the heart was the same each time. What a horrible thing for yours to do to you. Best honour and create distance for yourself. You KNOW it is not all your fault. Given that this comment of mine comes 10 months later, I hope you're blooming like a lotus, straight outta that mud !!

[@Hydrocarbonateable]

I've found that once you go no contact, it's relatively easy to find your own meaning and closure (even if it hurts--bc you are allowed to have your own thoughts in your own space). It's when you go back and forth in a low contact situation that every encounter necessitates "new" closure. No contact is definitely the way to get out and heal for good, imo.

[@snowbear1877]

In my case, I have carried the scapegoat role with me wherever I've been: family, foster family, school, university, workplace, friendship groups. It never ends. I am 71 now. I've had it all my life. Everywhere.

[@mtngrl22-dd2ju]

No one deserves this. Hugs to you.

[@snowbear1877]

@@mtngrl22-dd2ju Thanks for your compassion.

[@ottie1954]

I know what you mean!

[@elizabethdarley8646]

Yes! This is brilliant! Thank you, Mary. I was released (by my own work) from my abusers when I suddenly realised that " I just don't care any more, because caring about them and my relationship with them is meaningless and destructive to me and to them so, I don't need to care any more! Hurray!"😊

[@deeboolove1301]

THANKYOU 💌👍😛🙏

[@kellygarland1624]

Really love your help...scapegoat and no contact with my narc mother so everyone

[@melliecrann-gaoth4789]

Thank you, this is such a huge help. It’s also something that so many will try invalidate us for- much to my surprise- “ evolved” people, friends… I am learning something about needing keep people out of my story, hold tight.

[@thatguyjoe007]

If you really want to make your family mad, just go out there and be happy. Let them see how happy you are now that they are no longer in your life. That will really pee them off.

[@SusanaXpeace2u]

Thank you so much Mary 🥰

[@alrahbimom]

My ex narcissist turned my older children and sister against me. I've been scapegoat my whole life. They took ex side in custody. I started thinking I was crazy. All this when I have cancer n learned what alone felt like.

[@ShaylaLove21]

I need help to heal, I’m 50 now hit finally wired out what what wrong with my family in my early 30’s .

[@Ariadne76-k3d]

Thank you for these videos, they are very helpful!

[@saranouvelles8910]

Hi Mary. You know how things happened when you need them? Today I had very difficult conversation with my narcissistic mother about not giving her more money, which she regularly demands from me for 40 years. I decided that I do not want to be subjugated to that any more, mostly because I was listening few doctors on Internet, and you are between them. I already went no contact with my grandmother because of her narcissism. And unfortunately, I did not subscribe to yout channel. But, fortunately, the Goddess gave me the choice of your video in the same day I hade this strong dispute with my mother. Very grateful, and now subscribed! Thank you, Mary, for your kind and warm lessons, they always help me.

[@Elke-y8h]

I am 65 and just now realizing all this!

[@julialednicky7542]

Good job. Such a hard situation. Thank you for talking us through this. We can all heal👊👊

[@earthrooster1969]

Thanks Mary for suggesting...write it down! I just did. After 50 plus years. It will certainly help me now and even in the future when 'the list of what hurts' can get so fuzzy and tangled...like a huge heap of undone laundry waiting to be washed...

[@ClandestineGirl16X]

I can't thank you enough for this and for sharing your story. I resonate deeply with your story. Thank you for sharing. I'm glad you're healing

[@_ross5800]

Thank you again!!!

[@percubit10]

I do that all the time, I worry about my parents at 60, I have no life anymore. My health is declining because of constantly worry about my parents. I have been isolated for a long time and I feel a lot of grief, I don't do anything anymore and anything. I used to have my own life and enjoy life and do things that brought joy into mine. My energy field is blocked now and I am not enjoying life anymore. I was gaslighted by religious fanatics and it ruined my life., I have no me time anymore,

[@Ariadne76-k3d]

Please don't worry about them! They made their choices. This is their fault.

[@estherann7407]

Such really good information Mary, thank you. I listen to your videos over & over and glean more each time. Plus, your voice is so soothing and comforting.

[@DosBear]

What going No Contact does is takes your power back from them and they have no choice but to face the fact that you have no further interest in dealing with them. Whether you believe it or not this does affect them but they have each other to pretend it doesn't, so it has less effect on them is all. Even if they think it was their idea, as a group to do this, there is an underlying longterm guilt that takes place with how they are behaving. I find it an interesting subject to discuss on the psychological level. This behavior is at epidemic levels in our society so I feel it is important to diagnose the condition and come up with ways to deal with it. There is enough hatred in the world and we certainly don't expect it to come from those that are supposed to love us unconditionally. I'd say much of it stems from immaturity & selfishness and the fear of facing the truth of one's own vulnerabilities. Peace

[@reesedaniel5835]

It stems from envy and insolent pride.

[@DosBear]

@@reesedaniel5835 Seem's reasonable.

[@forsmilz]

This is me and it’s gone generational my birth family my husband my children my siblings my relatives

[@gypsy2007]

I really like your videos. You are helping me a LOT. Thank you. I can't quite define why. I think we are alike. Maybe the level of escape goating we had was similar.

[@justChrisjones]

Yes, I just must have had an aura to be bullied. So I have deep compassion for minorities and alternate life style folks. I'm glad you are optimistic. It helps, my shrink made me feel doomed to hell . Most likely he was a narcissist.

[@Ariadne76-k3d]

You're making it sound like it was your fault though! I have read that they usually choose the nicest person to bully.

[@MaileyMcAslan]

It’s not so much that none of my family stood up for me when my mom died and my brothers are keeping me without my full inheritance, it’s that they love bombed and future faked me with their support, then abandoned me.

[@joannabrites6288]

I invited my husbands brother in law to my daughters wedding. I did it because he has always been part of our family in one way or another. This person also works for my husband. I texted him to ask him for his address. He never answered so after a few day I texted him again and said no answer ok! Yrs it was the correct number. After a few more days pass I sent him a texts saying that’s rude and weird. Then I tell my husband that he just ignored me and never responded. I didn’t expect this behavior but I got very insulted and hurt that he just ignored me like that. Then my husband got mad at me for say something to him. I expected my husband to say to him why did you just ignore my wife’s text messages. Nope he got mad at me. You can’t think I’m wrong for responding to him like that but this is the stuff I struggle with. Rejection is a huge problem for me

[@heifie2540]

The incident hurt me that as I went no contact for very good reasons. My narcicistic parents told me, they don' t want to see me again because of all the things I did to them. I knew they will never ever understand what they did to me😢.

[@amylefors5712]

So, I’ve only recently found the countless videos on this subject and find myself crying when I hear one that I can relate to….why do I cry?

[@taylorpresley4604]

Because it hurts, it is good to cry, healing.

[@Sparrow0514]

To the person who wrote in about being hurt over her parents and sibling, but having her teens at home with her? Not to be unsympathetic, but, try adding your own children into the mix for total family isolation.

[@elizabethdarley8646]

Dear Mary, Such informative videos here. Enduring Power of Attorney: My parents only communicate with me through their solicitor now! The solicitor has just last week sent me a letter to say that my parents have decided to revoke their appointing of me as one of their EPA Enduring Power of Attorneys for them. (It was put in place before I went no contact.) I was asked by the solicitor to sign and send it back as proof of receipt. I am so poorly from the trauma I have had all my life, I would be too ill to be a functioning attorney for my parents anyway. I was about to apply to revoke it myself but they have saved me a job! Kind regards from Bess in Yorkshire.

[@freedomwarrior5087]

It's narcissistic abuse. Where ever scapegoating takes place in a family you will have one or two narcissistic parents.

[@cusdsconsciousuniversalsec1393]

Beautiful 💜🕯️🙏 Although many do not [re]Cognize God-with[in] themselves "Continuously"; Beautiful, Magnificent and Loved Beyond-Measure, People are 🔯💜🙏

[@kellyschroeder7437]

Hurt, grief - feelings for that matter ??? Stuck in slivers, pieces and parts 😢💔🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

[@sophial.2438]

I have a strong need for revenge lately. I know I need to leave this up to God, but God seems to be running decades behind.

[@ezequielmca4385]

The need for revenge is so nurturing! It will keep you alive and even make you thrive. It reminds you the love you deserve. Hold your pain and let your anger take you where justice lies. Don't be afraid.

[@pmw3839]

I like to indulge my desire for revenge by fantasising. In my daydreams, I can do whatever I want to do, and have things turn out the way I want. It is enjoyable and cathartic.

[@autumxxleaves4186]

Your revenge should be rising above all their limiting and cruel beliefs about you. Proving them wrong no matter your current situation.

[@Ariadne76-k3d]

Whether anybody's gods exist or not,at least we know they'll always be miserable because they are not willing to deal with their problems.

[@monikakrall3922]

Family to me is blood related strangers who pretend they like each other😊....my real family is my cats, animals, nature🌍🐈🌈

[@birdlynn417]

It's hard to keeping living with hurt and rejection when you constantly are being hurt by physical ailments, low income, and no car, but have to rely on bus transportation. Just no help from anywhere.

[@amyoung101]

The only one I can’t seem to heal from is my own child being taken away and being apart of the toxic family. I lost my child and want to be there for my grandchildren but… How?

[@The_Stockfather]

Yoga

[@rtshaw3621]

4 minutes in and it's ALL about her! Go elsewhere for advice . There are others who will give you advice and tools on how to cope.( From a scapegoat)

[@deedurkin9879]

You are definitely not a scapegoat you haven't an ounce of empathy. Scapegoats are among the most empathetic people on the planet. How dare you insult this woman who has helped so many people.