What is the most definitive symptom of childhood trauma? with Dr. Ramani

[@patrickteahanofficial]

firesidechat.com/drramaninetwork

[@alymig70]

I will watch this again and again and again and again. EPIC

[@Mslwoo26]

@@alymig70 I agree! It’s such a simple statement but I could unpack this for days.

[@IvySnowFillyVideos]

Or you can treat them the same way they treat you.

[@erindenise8]

Just want to clarify I'm understanding, if I want to watch the whole video I need to pay $15?

[@attitude4989]

what are the 10 characteristics of a nice/dump/simp guy But how does a boy gradually become a nice/dump/simp guy because of his (which) intra personal mistakes

[@deborahserafin8253]

The definitive symptom of childhood trauma: "trying to get a difficult person to be good to us." Oh my gosh. I did this over and over. After being raised by a covert narcissist mother. It's not only futule, it further destroys you.

[@Laney_75]

Same 😓

[@marleyhill34]

I was just diagnosed as autistic and now I walk around sticking 2 fingers up at the world. I've become the narcissist. 😅🤣😂🙈. It's a good thing I didn't have children.

[@Katriella.]

Oh. Does this include giving people second chances to be better when they say "Oh, I was wrong to hate you, it was my fault, I don't even remember what you did wrong" So you let them into your life again, only for the blame to be tossed onto you again? And you still hope that one day the good you "know" is somewhere inside them will come forth

[@rationalmindriot7762]

from the day of birth the covert narc mother will study your every reaction and take note on how to hurt you further using whoever else they can to join in..the mad dance of FSA (family scapegoat abuse)

[@omnipotentworldwider5111]

@@Katriella.ofc it includes it. Why would you believe the words of someone who already hurt you once?! If they want access to you they better EARN IT through actions!

[@TB-11-11]

That's the experience of my life (50 plus years) - trying to get difficult friends/partners/jobs/etc to be good to me. What a waste of my energy

[@JayPatel101]

Exactly same!

[@TriciaHarter]

Same same same

[@ChuangSarah]

Same

[@marleyhill34]

I'm now the difficult person. But i didn't have children. These aren't genes that need to be reproduced.

[@TheTerrainWizard]

53 here. Same. I grew up in a family riddled with BPD, alcoholism, and a parent with narcissistic behavior/traits. I stopped drinking booze everyday and I’ve since cut a lot people out of my life. It’s rough to start anew, but I think it better than being stuck in toxic relationships.

[@GrowWildOutdoors]

Patrick changed my life because he showed me I can be wise & imperfect at the same time.

[@aazhie]

Wow, what a wonderful realization that is. I always felt like I cycled between feeling naive and like "I've seen it all" and I hated how confusing that felt.

[@erinbarcellos879]

I feel the same way! I came across his videos in 2020/2021 and haven't looked back!

[@AmySutherland-rd6vb]

🎉❤ wishing you all the happiness and health on your healing journey xx

[@PaigeSquared]

@@GrowWildOutdoors also that we can help others before we are "done!" 😊 That was huge for me. I felt like I would be "useless" forever, without any credibility, because it would take forever before I was "fully healed." I think another channel mentioned something along the lines of, when we are at least three steps ahead, we can start helping others who are going through the same things we did. Really, Patrick is stepping in and giving us permission, when no one else ever bothered, and we were trained to wait. The permission to support others on their journey in an authentic (useful, relevant, & meaningful) way, unlocked a whole world for me!

[@evonne315]

Exactly 💯

[@elizabethoneill9572]

I had a compulsion to "win over" difficult people who withheld love & approval, just like a parent of mine did. I finally see it & realize I just need to walk away. Also, I now seek out people who are nice to me! that is a big change as well. Thanks for this

[@marleyhill34]

Now I have a compulsion to be difficult to difficult people. If you make me uncomfortable, I'ma match that energy right back. I tell people not to play around with me. I'm best left on my own or to the professionals (exorcists, psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotherapists).

[@annainspain5176]

@@marleyhill34 And some of those "professionals" are also difficult people. I speak from years of experience.

[@marleyhill34]

@@annainspain5176 luckily most professionals, I've met do their job around me. If they don't do it something bad usually happens...like i end up in hospital...

[@haihai5293]

The same patter is with me

[@ulysse892]

you should also see it from another perspective : you blame difficult people, ok, but what about the nice one you let down only because they were not hard to "win over" ?

[@katrinamillings3651]

I went through that and woke up at 57. My parents died when I was young. My aunt and uncle raised me. They made sure as a child I knew I was an unwanted burden and would never measure up to their real kids. My cousins treated me the same way. As an adult I worked my butt off trying to make those people love me. I made the Dean's list in college, got a high paying career, did everything right according to their definition. Never one time did I get a pat on the back or a, "Good job." They still ignored me and belittled me at holiday dinners. A few months ago I woke up, blocked their phone numbers, blocked them on Facebook, and now I feel great. I've had plenty of relationships, both romantic and employer related where I tried to get people who openly didn't care for me to change their minds. From now on, I'm just going to be myself and not bother unless I really believe there's something I'm doing wrong. Otherwise, you will never change someone's mind if they don't want to like you and it's not worth the effort.

[@peacefulruler1]

Be thankful; their disapproval of you made you work harder and made you successful, something that may not have happened if they had been overprotective and over approving of you. The end result is what matters, right?

[@RevealedFilms]

@@peacefulruler1 not really because you can do all those things with love and support and not have to get broken down mentally to succeed. That narrative is from 1954.

[@rajendran30]

​@@peacefulruler1no. The end result of having a regretful life for 50+ years is definitely doesn't worth it. He can be thankful a bit, but not to an extent to welcome them back into his life.

[@FreeToLove999]

@katrinamillings3651 • I am SO happy that you woke up! I am also happy that you did not go down a self-destructive path. Even though you accomplished all those great things to get someone else's love and approval, it was not wasted investments. You are a better you, and now you can begin to experience the greatest love of all: Self-love. I am also happy that you have cut the cancerous relationships out of your life. Don't be surprised if they try to gaslight you for moving on, but never doubt that you did the right thing. Let them find someone else to discount so that they can feel expensive.... Both of my parents died when I was a child also, and I too was raised by an aunt and uncle.... I once read something that really helped me on my journey, and it went like this: "You are not here to be loved; you are here to BE love." So keep Love flowing and don't let others steal your Peace and Joy. Blessings upon you from the Most High. 💙💙💙🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾👍🏾🤟🏾😊😇🥰

[@slyons-uf3cy]

Wow! You and I are cut from the same cloth, my sister. I had a schizophrenic mother who lost her parental rights. I was forced to move in with my grandmother and grandfather at age 8 and, within a few months, my grandfather looked at me and said "I want him gone, he's just Is a whiny little bastard and another mouth to feed" Within days I was gone. Ended up with my dad and my 19-year-old pregnant stepmother, who only kept me about 3 months before they abandoned me. Spent seven years as a Ward of the State with a religious zealot that used to belittle me and beat me on a regular basis. At sixteen the home closed down and I got shuttled around to different Foster families until I became an emancipated minor at 17. I told myself, "I deserved an education after the misery of my childhood" and I spent 10 years in college, finally attaining a master's degree. I ended up going into sales and helped sell a 162 unit housing project and made the guy I was working for over 10 million dollars. Of course, I didn't make millions, And because of this mental illness of seeking this affection and approbation, I didn't care at the time. I convinced myself early on that money didn't matter. Always told myself that money doesn't Mean anything-- It's just relationships with people that matter. The Irony! As the video shows, I have wasted decades of my life trying to get difficult people to love me. The more they pull away the more I pursue. Ugh! Sadly, at 65. I'm just now coming out from under the ether and understanding that I need to believe what Oprah once said "When people tell you who they are BELIEVE them." I am just now starting what I hope will be a road to my self actualization, and finally, living a life with people who are not " difficult" but who will love me for who I am-- Which is one hell of a nice guy, by the way. I no longer feel compelled to try to figure out why these people treat me so badly. I would like to ask you a question though-- when you finally realize this, Did you find yourself unbelievably Angry? And if so, how did you deal with that? Kudos to you for finally figuring it out. Hopefully I have too.

[@jinijinxer97]

The most freeing thing my best friend said to me was "You're easy to love you know, you're not a difficult person." That's all I needed to hear to not need my Narc Dad in any way, shape, or form.

[@Allison_Antonia]

[@Booboonancy]

That’s a true friend.

[@jinijinxer97]

@@Booboonancy yes, she genuinely is. She's my best friend too, can't imagine life without her.

[@beverleyvaughan9125]

Thank God for good friends ah?

[@DonMajio]

Look my friend in humanity....the thing is this could be a complete lie from a friend you trauma bonded with across multiple difficult life crisis situations. Many friends are enablers and yes sayers which is cool and nice now but in the long run when you look back you might see something different or even scary. How much your "best friend/best family memeber" contributed to your current misery, to your downhill path and eventual fall while at the same time they pose as "support group". Today you might never see it and feel blissed. In 10, 20, 30, 50 year or even at your deathbed you might notice. At that moment of realisation you awaken and see the truth. No more light manipulation no more soft incomplete protective innocent lies. Alas, Mostly it would be to late (Even if it was 10 years). Stay well and vigilant in the grand chess game of life!

[@NasDaily_11]

I was severely traumatized years ago as a teenage, got diagnosed with PTSD, spent my whole life fighting PTSD. I also suffered severe depression and mental disorder. Not until my mom recommended me to psilocybin mushrooms treatment. Psilocybin treatment saved my life honestly, 6 years totally clean. Much respect to mother nature the great magic shrooms.

[@MorrisBasar-jm9lc]

No doubts shrooms are 100% blessings from nature. Indeed nature's little miracles

[@ErnestoHorner88]

Hey mates! Can you help with the source? I suffer severe anxiety, panic and depression and I usually take prescription medicine, but they don't always help. Where can I find those psilocybin mushrooms? I'm really interested in treating my mental health without Rxs. I live in Australia don't know much about these. I'm so glad they helped you. I can't wait to get them too. Really need a reliable source 🙏

[@JohnGeorge-pw2xo]

YES sure of mycologist Pedroshrooms. I have the same experience with anxiety, addiction. Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.

[@canerbakar-jv2si]

I'm so very happy for you mate, Psilocybin is absolutely amazing, the way it shows you things, the way it teaches you things. I can not believe our world and our people shows less interest about it's helpfulness to humanity. It's love. The mushrooms heals people by showing the truth, it would be so beneficial for so many people, especially politicians and the rich who have lost their way and every other persons out there.

[@ElizabethMicheal-fu8xn]

Where do I reach this dude? If possible can I find him on Google

[@v.e.8885]

Less than 30 seconds and I cry. This sums up my life. And it hurts.

[@jeaninemartin]

Look in the mirror and remind yourself that you have you and that you love yourself and will be cautious about who you let in your head. You are not alone. There are millions of people who remind themselves of this every day. I am one of those. I am my best friend. ♥️♥️

[@jeaninemartin]

Look in the mirror and remind yourself that you have you and that you love yourself and will be cautious about who you let in your head. You are not alone. There are millions of people who remind themselves of this every day. I am one of those. I am my best friend. ♥️♥️

[@annasshabbir7717]

​@@jeaninemartinonly weed is my good friend brotha

[@lynetteowens946]

🌠🌛🌞🌈💐🌹😘🙏

[@user-zr9kr9cq7d]

same 🥲

[@thinkvoiceact]

I've poured my life's energy into this very thing: trying to please difficult people (my parents and 2 siblings) to be good to me. I even cared for my ungrateful narcissistic parents until each of them died. I forgive them and I forgive myself. I'm learning to put myself first.

[@LimitlessThinker]

Exactly the same situation and experience.

[@sadderwhiskeymann]

Forgive but not forget ❤

[@sandysan177]

Forgive but be selective with who u let in yor life..n don't give people more than 2 chances.

[@42jessicat]

Is it working? I'm learning how to put myself first now, and it's so incredibly hard!

[@sadderwhiskeymann]

@42jessicat tbh I find it difficult to cut off ppl because I believe everyone has something good to offer. What I DO with ppl that are shady, is protecting myself by not giving up information that they can use against me. It works so far...

[@SandiTink]

You two have taught me more about myself than any therapist I’ve seen, and I’ve seen quite a few.

[@OneCatShortOfCrazy]

Right?! It's so sad that going to a therapist in person where the focus is YOU and your ACTUAL life and struggles is just miss after miss of poor communication and/or invalidation and confusion. While watching these videos and working by ourselves is SO much more effective. I really wish there were a lot more good therapists out there.😟But we are lucky we have these gems on here, imagine if we didn't.😵

[@websurfer5772]

@@OneCatShortOfCrazy The training they get is probably to blame - or should I say inDOCtrination?

[@vz4779]

I wasn't trying to make my father be good to me, I was trying to avoid being killed by him. I followed orders, cooked, cleaned, and took care of my siblings. I was trying to survive.

[@marleyhill34]

I'm stuck in survival mode. I know it's the PTSD but every adult is like a predator to me. I give children a pass and view them to be protected at all costs even from myself as I don't have children. I never had children with a man probably because I believe that they would eventually harm their kids.

[@fourmacs8167]

@@marleyhill34Oh wow, your post made me realise that my brother is in the same place as you. We went through it all together. He seems to have his life together but he’s stuck in survival mode. Makes me sad for him.

[@electri9621]

Same, I was just trying to get him to go back to ignoring my existence, because him acknowledging my existence was often dangerous.

[@tokyorosa]

@@marleyhill34 You just described my whole life in this one comment.

[@Livinginacardboardbox]

Me too & I thought I was alone. Thank you for your comment. ❤

[@ecouter3897]

THIS. You nailed it in the first 15 seconds. I’m glad you didn’t say “narcissist”. The label is so overused and it is a distraction. “Difficult person” - enough said and so accurate!

[@TokyoBlue587]

Not every difficult person is a narcissist, but every narcissist is a difficult person!

[@Toolbox865457]

My two favorite people did a podcast?! This must be heaven!!!!

[@yukina8585]

Yeeees, I'm so happy 😭😭❤️

[@pgg5302]

This. 💙

[@QueenB33-s3b]

You can't access it for free though 😢

[@corsicanlulu]

thats what i said! im so happy they collabed

[@lornocford6482]

​@@QueenB33-s3breally? I hate that KZbinrs are charging for their content now.

[@ericb8413]

This is absolute gold. This is the theme woven throughout my entire life because my father was a narcissist. He used rage to control my mom and all 3 of his kids. (Beatings under the guise of discipline). I’m in my 60s and just the last few years I’m understanding why I’m a people pleaser. Trying to get awful people to play nice. I’m so done. Love you Dr Ramani, and Patrick. You’ve saved my sanity. 💝

[@mightymouse1005]

Similar but....I was just never good enough for love... no matter what I did, never good enough . At 60....I am good enough for ME.....thats what matters

[@andrewwasson6153]

Same or at least extremely similar. Sometimes the beatings weren’t disguised as discipline actually most of the time in my house they weren’t. He left when I was 16. I reconnected with him in my 20’s (forgive/forget) and it took me into my 50’s to really, really, really understand that that was abuse and although I’ve been fortunate to be ok (and maybe even successful), the damage left a mark; it does affect how I interact with people, how I react to stress and how I communicate.

[@shweetiepetina1563]

My dad beat my brothers. He had a brain injury and would rage. I watched and hid under the bed. Maybe I escaped because I was a girl? My brothers resented me and sometimes my mom blamed me…..scapegoat? But it was still horrifying to witness. Your comment resonates with me. Wondering what else you do on your healing path. Thanks for sharing with us here. ​@@andrewwasson6153

[@stephanie5471]

This hits the nail on the head. Dr Ramani empowers us to see the “what” and Patrick enlightens us to see the “why” ❤️

[@saragates2255]

Like the left hand and the right hand know EXACTLY what each other are doing and are actually working together...for once!

[@websurfer5772]

@@saragates2255 Now if only I could get myself to do that.

[@dibelgelo]

To be stuck in childhood, in other words. Stunned development that prevents becoming an adult. Only a child cares about a difficult person to be good to them. An adult can afford to walk away and find less difficult people to associate with.

[@mindkindmom]

True, every day I try to visualize being nasty and telling my toxic family to get the hell out or else I'll call the cops. I'm slowly programming myself to the truth that I no longer have to cater to these selfish, mean characters and I'm not a bad person for protecting my self-interests.

[@dibelgelo]

@@mindkindmom You cater to them why? Because you need something from them?

[@mindkindmom]

@@dibelgelo Yeah, love and acceptance.

[@nbaoldgirl]

So true

[@websurfer5772]

@@mindkindmom Well, it's not that easy for those of us who are naturally kind-hearted, so I get what you're saying. I'm sorry you're going through this as well.

[@hoosiergirl6344]

I also love that you mentioned lack of a sense of self. When youve never been able to be or develop into yourself, you couldnt possibly have that sense of self. Brilliant Patrick! So true! Ive learned that about myself and that has been a struggle.

[@gabrielafonseca4034]

All I've done in my life is try to get a difficult person to be good to me. And I am terrified about the possibility of having been that difficult person for somebody else. What a crappy trauma this is.

[@Godisgreat-777]

Same. ❤

[@aazhie]

I think, as someone who has dealt with some difficult folks, if you can do your best to state that worry in a way that may be less likely to make others feel like they must soothe and reassure without thinking about it, I would be so relieved to hear the difficult person just state that they are flawed like all other humans, they have regrets and that they don't wish to be that difficult person. Odds are pretty good that you aren't one of "those" difficult folks if it's that much a concern

[@gabrielafonseca4034]

@@aazhie thank you 🥲. For many years I was angry. But the anger was usually followed by what I call a hangover of sadness. I know I've snapped at people in the past. But this year I got rid of the last narcissist in my life and I'm grateful.

[@marleyhill34]

I'm now the difficult person. Mostly i stay by myself but a lot of my supervisors and managers think it's funny to jerk me around... Until i go on a rampage. They can't fire me either because I treat work like "the game of Thrones". My contract is complex and I have a protected disability, gender and ethnicity. I refuse to be people's plaything anymore and I always give them a warning to leave me alone. I'm not in this job for 10 years by chance.

[@gabrielafonseca4034]

@@marleyhill34 I quit my job last March. It's like breathing again. Stay strong.

[@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617]

The breakthrough I had when starting on this journey of recovery was realizing that I had never been taught I could be myself in a relationship, that I could show up as my authentic self and be loved and cherished just for who I am. I had learned relationships were transactional, it was never about ourselves, always about what we could do for the other person, what kind of value we could bring to the table to justify others keeping us around. Because of this my self-esteem was non-existent for most of my life, and I considered suicide many many times, but I kept myself alive on sheer stubbornness alone. After I learned that I actually had intrinsic value and I deserved to have it fucking acknowledged my life made a 180° turn, I realized that even though difficult people might only care about my usefulness to them I could find others who actually appreciated me for ME, an actual community where I could feel a true sense of belonging. And I never had suicidal ideations again.

[@The-Finisher]

Very well stated! 🖤

[@marleyhill34]

Nah. I'm bitter. I don't want to find anybody. It's not worth it for me anymore. I'd rather be protected than loved or cared for. I don't like people anymore. I tolerate them.

[@marymac9303]

Man, I still struggle with this. There's parts of me that still feel worthless and indebted. Like I still have to earn love. I'm getting there though, I'm going to keep loving myself until it reaches all parts of me.

[@fourmacs8167]

@@marleyhill34I was like this 😔 It’s a lonely place to be.

[@marleyhill34]

@@fourmacs8167 but i don't feel lonely. I feel safe and relieved when I'm alone.

[@Okini_Hasa]

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

[@gottalovegabe1176]

If I heard this 40 years ago it would have saved me a lifetime of pain.

[@Avery_4272]

Years ago, I placed a reminder note right by our home phone. It said, "Don't go to the hardware store for a carton of milk." (I'd heard Louise Hay say it, but I don't know its origin.) That reminder note helped me permanently stop trying to get what wasn't going to be provided by various emotionally immature people. I think perhaps one of the reasons many folks feel (understandably) compelled to keep trying with those people is what Freud called "repetition compulsion," in which one (often subconsciously) keeps trying to master the earlier childhood situation (or get an early, healthy developmental need met) by replaying it with similar people - always in hopes that "this time" it'll work out differently. This can be futile; instead, what helps is choosing to be around supportive people who aren't behaving according to the old negative patterns from one's childhood and/or experiencing aspects of a healthy reparenting during sessions with an excellent therapist and getting to feel good about oneself and deserving of good.

[@DriftlessWarrior]

"Don't go to the hardware store for a carton of milk." WOW. I am SO glad you shared that quote. I really needed to see that!! Thank you!

[@Avery_4272]

@@DriftlessWarrior You're welcome - glad that it's helpful!

[@seabirdjim]

74 years old here. His simple explanation defines my life of failed, extremely difficult relationships. The more I tried to make my partner happy the tougher things got. Nothing I did was ever enough.

[@lisacellini3516]

I think that I just struck gold..so simply put! Torturous, and the definition of insanity. In my 60’s, but I finally learned it, and am SO done!

[@suzyhomeacre]

Oh My Gosh!! 😮 My 2 superheroes talking to eachother. Thank you!!! 🥲🥰

[@Michael_Arguello]

Get ready for another one.

[@MyKrabi]

@suzyhomeacre I know right?!?! I had the same reaction 😀😀😀

[@Rat_Queen86]

This hurts Because it’s true After a lot of therapy, I’m now in a place where Im happy with myself and would rather be alone than surrounded by such people

[@TheInfiniteOneLives]

I love when content creators I follow collaborate with one another.

[@cairosilver2932]

Is it wrong to see it like a Marvel style team-up? :)

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Spot on. Why am I trying to dance with a person who sets me up for failure! We are trying to make a difficult person be good to us, just like we tried with our difficult parents! We could not tell our parents to f this and walk away. That is a sure sign of childhood trauma! Brilliantly said.

[@mindkindmom]

So true, really rue my naivety and malignant hopefulness that some day they will see me, appreciate my servility, and love me the way I want to be loved. Never happened, and never will happen. Working on oneself is the only way to get out of this detrimental mindset. You will forever be used and abused and become one resentful bitter person. How people treat you is how they see you - never pass it off as their moods, maybe your fault or whatever gaslighting reasons you give yourself.

[@DriftlessWarrior]

Very well said! 👍💯

[@DWSP101]

This is such a direct hit to trauma

[@suzanamilinkovic4098]

Ovo je najbolji i najkraći komentar.. svaka čast..

[@scodes77]

I think this explains my situation very well. For the first 30 years of my life, there was no me. I was a puppet, a sandbag, a pillow, a trash can and many more to my mother. She of course insulted me and my first boy friend and I even told him that we would get married after she dies. This ended with my dad’s sudden death of cancer, and when I realized this is not about her marriage and my dad, I was done. I never knew why I felt so relieved and there was nothing more to offer to my mother anymore. Many people says they have guilty for disconnecting from their abuser, aka mother, but for me, it was true relief and I was so lost with what’s left for me because there never was me. I’m still slowly recovering from my past and I sometimes think this would take next 30 more years. At first, I was so furious that I had to go through it and rebuild literally everything but now I’m more accepting my reality and what I have now.

[@ZLLi661]

There has always been a you- but you were never taught how to or allowed to bring out that real you. You now have that opportunity. Go for it like it’s the only thing on earth! Go learn it like it’s the only important thing to learn for the next year. You’ve got a lot of catching up to do.

[@RoyalPurpleStar]

You just described what I have been to my mother my entire life. I can remember as far back as being 4 and my mom severely berating me for not being able to write my very, very difficult Chinese name after she tried to teach me for an hour. Can you believe it? I was 4! My psychologist was shocked and said there isn’t even any motor skills at 4 to write, period. She destroyed my self-esteem and sense of self-worth because she did so many other similar things when I was so little and my entire life!! I just thought I had low IQ and inherently a bad and unlovable person my entire life. Wasn’t until just recently that I suddenly realized that it’s from all the horrible ways my mom abused me physically as a kid and all the verbal, mental, and emotional abuse she’s unleashed on me my entire life. I feel very, very sad and angry that I’ve had to suffer so much my whole life because she destroyed my psyche completely ever since I was a little kid and continues to all these years. Constantly telling me that no one would like me and that I’m just no good. I will never, ever forgive her!! I wouldn’t even shed a tear if she were to drop dead today. She’s destroyed me and my life thoroughly and I struggle so much with debilitating depression, and I had no idea it’s all because of her severe abuse this whole time. She will never apologize or even acknowledge any wrongdoing and never has. I don’t even know anyone whose mother has been as bad as my mom. The worst part is she treats my siblings quite well all their lives, and I’m the only one that ever really cared and took care of her. This is what I get for being a good person and daughter. So I’m done.

[@marrop2760]

@@RoyalPurpleStar your mom is a narcissist.. similar situation re: my treatment & siblings treated differently.. that's how they are.. they choose their victim.. but you must remember the spiritual aspect of life..read books on spirituality.. we write our "scripts" before we reincarnate..our families.. our ethnicity.. our race.. our religion, partners, friends, etc.. you could also be an empath.. I am.. they love destroying empaths..what did you learn on a spiritual basis from your experience? To let toxic people go..even if parents..to love yourself.. to develop self-esteem & confidence.. I get you! Keep listening to Dr. Ramani & Patrick..so many of us are/were in the same boat..Good Luck.. & NO I felt nothing & shed no tear when my mother died..When I woke up after listening to Dr. Ramani's videos I was definitely creeped out...looked back on my life and realized many friends, partners were narcissists..the pattern repeats to try and clear it.. but the best way to clear is to leave disrespectful people..Take Care!

[@MsSimpleMovies]

That "F this!" moment was my turning point in my marriage. It actually helped both my husband and me walk away from the cat-and-mouse chase we had both been doing since our childhoods. When the cat stopped chasing, the mouse stopped running. And we both realized we could DECIDE and TRAIN to be different. Detachment from a toxic situation really does come from realizing you deserve better. Patrick, you're a gem. 💎 And Dr. Ramani, too. ❤

[@lolakensington855]

This is why I have experienced limerence my whole life! I tried to get my alcoholic, mentally-ill father to love me, so I go after unavailable men. It's so unfortunate that I realized this at 43.

[@ekenechristyike5461]

Hmmm...the most regretful part is finding out late. But God restores the lost time if we trust HIM. 50 and still believing God to redeem the time for me. Only HIM can. The level of my trauma is sooo bad that I've become paranoid. CAN'T TRUST NOBODY. I don't believe there are still enough good souls out there to have as a community. Most of my trauma took place in the MOST TRUSTED COMMUNITY SETTING. I KNOW OUR REDEEMER...LIVES. I trust that because HE cares, I will be better at the end of it all IJN Amen. Bless your heart.

[@shellonneechinn8363]

It’s better than now than later!

[@RoyalPurpleStar]

43’s still young, but anytime is a chance to turn your life around and not let toxic people continue to ruin and control you.

[@lolakensington855]

@@RoyalPurpleStar Thank you.

[@archanaarchana0024]

I'm older.... We're cutting losses at least now. I'm so happy at last I don't want their validation. It's so freeing. So unburdening.

[@brooklynnchick]

These two humans are why I am still alive and getting help for my trauma. I am forever grateful. ❤❤

[@mjaye1712]

Yep, I knew that grind. I used to pride myself on being able to "bring calm to chaos." That's OK to an extent. I learned not to be so comfortable in constant chaos, including the chaos that comes with working to make difficult people/situations good to/for me.

[@marleyhill34]

Oh no. I am the chaos. I give people a warning now. Do not f around with me because you will find out that I can snap and not give a F. Then they have to call the authorities and look stupid.

[@DevoidVoid]

​@@marleyhill34that's not good girl 😂 coming from a male just like that, promise you can learn ways to reduce this to some extent. I've been isolated for so long it's not worth it to be like this.

[@MaryDunford]

💯 And it does reach a point where you stop caring about placating these people's stupidity altogether.

[@ShellyManne1]

“I’m never going to win with this level of difficulty.” And that there describes how I feel with my marriage lately.

[@RoyalPurpleStar]

Me, too, except I’ve been feeling this way with my marriage since day one. I’ve come to the conclusion that I will either die with the most awful person as my life partner, or I can free myself of all the misery and torture now and have a chance at a normal life like most everyone has.

[@HeemaaaNYC]

REALLLLLL , we love you Patrick♥️ you’re the reason I started going to therapy ☺️

[@rkoff5744]

Chasing after my mother who was chasing after somebody else. That's how I felt for years.

[@A22208]

THIS NEEDS TO GO VIRAL

[@mac-ju5ot]

Spot on.....best advice is to walk away

[@ST-rj8iu]

This was my personal experience and reason for being a people pleaser. As a child, you are at the mercy of an adult. You are codependent and will try to make them happy to improve your life. You carry this into adulthood until you realize you have control. You can drive a car, get a job, and live on your own. I control myself. That was my epiphany. As a child, I had to rely on an unstable parent to do these things for me.

[@UnMoored_]

I wanted to add that we will encounter a group of people, and then push healthier people out of the way in order to focus on the difficult person so we can begin the futility of trying to change them. 🙈🙉🙊=> our dirty secret is that the healthy people are actually more frightening to us than the family-familiar, difficult people because we don't know what to do with healthy.

[@marleyhill34]

I'm now the difficult person. I'd rather be left alone by people. They don't make it better they make it worse. I know it's the trauma but I now view it as either it's either I get traumatised some more or I let them hold the trauma. Hurt people hurt people. I refuse to be complicit in letting people traumatise me now.

[@NothingByHalves]

Yes, This! I think it's related to being taught that we're not enough, not lovable (enough), not worthy of love. My brain tends to make the assumption that sooner or later the healthy people will figure this out, whereas at least the difficult person already sees it therefore they know me better, so it just saves time and disappointment/rejection. I am experiencing this at the moment with a family friend who has known me since I was born, who has recently gone above and beyond to help me relocate. She said it was a real pleasure to help and she's delighted I'm living in the area... "yeah... but..." says my brain... "what's the catch? Nobody just does something without wanting something in return.. what am I missing...?"

[@UnMoored_]

@@marleyhill34 I have a question: after the bad experiences are you now able to discern someone worthy of being allowed in to your life? Are there some people in whom you will risk trusting?

[@UnMoored_]

@@NothingByHalves Thank you for sharing. The only way I have found to push back on doubt and mistrust are good experiences which are contrary to these bad expectations. The tough part is to be willing to seek out these experiences.

[@marleyhill34]

@@UnMoored_ that's 2 questions. I'm autistic so there's a built-handicap of understanding people. What I can discern is that most people under pressure will stab you in the back. They will do things "out of character". No-one is worth letting in my life to turn it upside down anymore. Most people don't even know why they hurt other people. They are just going through the motions and when they screw up they never apologise. I trust no one.

[@michellelee1123]

Patrick and dr ramini ?!!!!!!!! That is awesome Patrick! ❤ 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏so happy for you. I’ve been watching you over 3 years ❤

[@SmittyTra-tra]

I've also been subscribed to both channels for 3+ years, and although she has more followers, and takes on a more advocacy type approach, he goes deeper into their mutual subjects imo. He will never have her type of popularity because his approach is less sensational, but more helpful. So in this collab, I am more happy for her that she got a good dose of his perspectives for her followers who have not seen his work to benefit from.

[@cesium7907]

@@SmittyTra-tra I feel the same way.

[@scot60]

This in a nutshell. This really resonates with me. I’m 63 and have just realized that this is what I’ve been doing my entire life.

[@TokyoBlue587]

I had to learn this lesson over and over. Finally, though, I am just so fed up, that I have detached from any relationship with my mom, I left toxic boyfriends and jobs, and I am now extremely protective of myself.

[@AmySutherland-rd6vb]

I realise there's a good chance you will not see this comment Patrick but I had my 3rd ever session with my new CBT therapist today and she had me in tears by saying how unbelievably well I'm doing in terms of my own work and understanding of patterns and what I want to continue to improve on for myself. This is after 10years of being medicated and not having the confidence to voice my own thoughts and opinions on CPTSD. I am over a year without any medication (that's not to say I'm against it in anyway) but having a year waiting on Psychology therapy as opposed to Psychiatry I discovered your channel and some others and have reaped the benefits. I really hope you do see this and want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the work you do ❤ it really makes more difference than you'll ever know. Xx

[@lolzkittenz]

The crossover episode we didn't know we needed ❤

[@gisellen.8127]

The two most important and enlightening experts in the field of narcissistic relationships now together. What a joy to witness this!

[@deedeewinchur]

Yes so true. Once I realised I had difficult "friends" all my life, trying to please them all I can for getting nothing in return, things started to make sense and I could move on.

[@DriftlessWarrior]

Amen!

[@pointofnoreturn3103]

Wow! It IS all about realizing that you have no control over how other people act. Especially if these patterns of behavior were learned far before you came into the picture! You can only choose your reaction! Thanks for doing this! For the clarity! Take care. Susan

[@ronricherson6685]

Trying to get a difficult adult to be good to you is simply a continuation of the same desperate struggle. And it's so powerful. Somehow I had male bosses who were just like my abusive dad and women who were cold or wanted to dominate me like my mother. I was horrible abused as a child, by the way. However, I broke this curse by making a willful decision that was spoke out loud, "I'm not going to allow any more toxic, hostile, crude, condescending, hateful, angry people in my life." But I also said, "I'm going to start meeting and making relationships with kind, gentle, encouraging people who love me for how I am, respect my talents and abilities and enjoy life. AND IT WORKED.

[@daasocialninja4804]

Can’t believe I’m seeing my two favorite therapist on a podcast 🎉

[@averykitsch]

"Someone who just sets me up for failure" ooof that hit home so hard

[@tonyscates1884]

I tried for 60 years to earn my Dad’s approval, it wasn’t until my therapist told me that my Dad was NEVER going to love me the way I wanted to be loved(accepted), this really opened my eyes !I realized that this was the way it always was and always would be. I’ve learned to accept myself as I am, and my Dad as he is.

[@CHOOSE_TO_BE_U]

Great, spot on answer!! It was wonderful to see you smile, Patrick! A genuine good laugh. 😁 I love how Dr. Ramani said, "stop said that again!" To drive the point home of what we endured and have tried to "re-work" in an unhealthy way. Ahhhh...then awareness kicks in after much hard work and we see clearly the pattern(s) we've played out for years making ourselves miserable trying to twist into an emotional pretzel for who? The difficult person who will NEVER, ever get it?? NO MORE!!!! It's over cassanova!!!

[@Dani-lc9hq]

So true, we're actually fighting with our own conditioning, we have to start to work this out internally not externally, that's when things start to change.

[@hearttalkscoach]

The "classic" people pleasing pattern, trying to keep ourselves safe by managing others' emotions and reactions - we've all heard of it and its still SO HARD to notice in ourselves, let alone redirect the impulse. It's so deeply ingrained in so many of our nervous systems, which gets reinforced every time we try and the difficult person doesn't comply with our covert contract. I only caught on to my own pattern of this pretty recently in my 30's, and I realized how much it had been INCENTIVIZED by my family and by this romantic Disney version of relationships as giving your entire self to another as true love. So glad this is being talked about! Wish I had seen this video 5 years sooner lol

[@colleenbrown3366]

Now I'm trying to process the regret of wasting most of my life trying to win over the difficult person while letting the supportive ones slip away. I've wasted nearly 60 years with this and am so tired.

[@Soulution-s2i]

Been guilty of this for nearly my whole life. That F this part hit me when I was 40 but I'm glad I realized my self worth and walked away from anyone who I felt like would take no responsibility for their actions. When you are always accused of "being angry" and "looking for a fight" when you are trying to set boundaries you have to walk away.

[@nonconformist9991]

I believe it manifests itself in one of two ways we either destroy ourselves or others in a hopeless attempt to justify our feelings that we are unworthy of love.

[@misse2013]

Wow! Beautiful collab!!!! And now we know- you dont just blow us away with your knowledge- you even blew away Dr Ramani!!! ❤ Dr Ramani is my hero. Her books and youtube videos helped me to leave, STAY AWAY, heal, and avoid narcissists.

[@ohcrap3263]

It ended with the question I always ask myself “why am I compelled?” I still have feelings for a narcissistic ex. I don’t want her back. I just want acceptance from her. This short video was an eye opener for me.

[@angelinejohnson9511]

It's SO heartening to see our champions talking together. For me first it was Kris Gotinez and Richie Grannon, and then Patrick and Anna Runkle did a chat, and now I know I can find more of this interview. Really reinforcing for us, when our sources of succor have occasional meetups!! But TALK about hitting the solar plexus. For all the work I have done, Patrick states his answer, I break into tears. I figured out at least Grey rock before I could really exit, but I was too much of a truth teller and scapegoat to avoid life compromising retaliation. But I am still proud of myself for all my work on discernment, and courage, and learning how to make a life for myself despite real insults and diminishments. So grateful for the ability to tune in your heartening voices.

[@pawdaw]

As someone who has seen this play out in so many of my relationships, Patrick's advice resonates deeply. The child who sacrifices their own needs to please the difficult parent/s - and is constantly rejected - ends up feeling abandoned, unloved, unlovable. And even sadder still is when that part of you continues to look for the love and approval of the difficult parent/s after they have gone. The most important step in healing is is to name the abuse - for the longest time I normalised the abuse.

[@Conscious59]

so good, such a powerful message! 2 of my pivotal teachers!! First was Dr. Ramani! Then I found the brilliant Patrick Teahan on KZbin!! Thank God for YT!! The largest repository of free information on healing!!

[@ssweeny9415]

This is so incredibly true. I spent much of my younger childhood years trying to get my father to really love and understand me. This short video describes that struggle accurately. Thank you.

[@skyhippy9964]

THIS. Seeing it put so succinctly helps more than you can possibly imagine. Thank you, this needs to be a message spread EVERYWHERE so millions of people see it.

[@evawright8462]

This was a hard hitting epiphany. Both of my parents are covert narcissists, and I have been no contact for 6 years now, yet I struggle with giving a chance to be family again. This helps with staying strong and not letting toxic people back in my life.

[@juditveres_hearts]

Oh, my, two of my fav CPTSD professional together! Thank you! 💞

[@genevieveforrest9594]

Oh my god, that was me, that IS my Sister's struggle still. I totally agree. I got past that . I don't apologise anymore for things I didn't do. I love alone. I survived a lifetime of abuse. I'm safe now with my adult kids and grandkids. ❤❤❤❤

[@cherylstevens4302]

You have described my vile mother. I could not please her. I always had to be one step ahead regarding her mood swings. She was very cruel. I have problems with difficult people at work.

[@Melissautumn]

I love both of you. I have so much gratitude for both of you. Keep going thank you and God bless you.

[@UniqueCuriousMakeupArtist]

Well said! Spot on! Looking for love, attention, and approval in all the wrong places. Investing in long term relationships, not realizing what narcissism was, but fawning them and constantly giving the narcissist excuses for their actions. It’s never too late to be happy! Educate, advocate, realize your own worth and vale. Stop settling. It’s never too late! I’m 44 and I see the narcissist coming. I know the red flags, and I’ve learned to listen to my instincts, stop fawning and trying fix them. This isn’t your battle. Let them go. Don’t sacrifice your wellbeing for their lack of ability, will, or mindset of wanting to heal. Save yourself and run!

[@terrirideout9683]

You just summed up my life. 😢 Fawning is my go-to pattern and I have yet to meet the standard. I am 58 and was unaware of the pattern until a few years ago. I have been grieving my lack of existence.

[@lauracompton8191]

I read somewhere that when we see our parents in a narcissistic/codependent relationship, we seek that kind of relationship in adulthood ourselves. As you mention, it’s familiar, the narcissistic patterns are familiar, etc. But the difference this time, for us, the magical thinking codependent, is that we are thinking of the relationship like a play. And we are casting ourselves in the starring role (the spouse codependent). “It’s all going to be different this time.” (goes the rationale). When I read that, it really hit me as the truth.

[@marleyhill34]

I'm 42 and have been single for 10 years. I'd rather be single than jump through all these bullshit relationships hoops now for people who don't deserve it. Already told my mother that we are all going in the nursing homes. That shut her up. I know it's the trauma but people just aren't worth it for me anymore.

[@MrFlamingpride]

My entire life feels this way. Parents are difficult, teachers are difficult, jobs are difficult, friends are difficult, life is difficult. Life feels futile in that sense.

[@cwill8294]

So great to see you both teaming up together for an interview! Love it!

[@eddierayvanlynch6133]

There are billions of people on the planet. If you begin to put yourself first, ime, only one or two will be pissed. Think about that, and choose you. 👍😎

[@missMagbeth]

Two great people conversing❤

[@RadoslavNedyalkov]

"trying to get a difficult person to be good to us".... priceless ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@StephieGsrEvolution]

The 2 people that understand childhood trauma most on the internet.

[@Babygirl80572]

This is probably the most simplistic and accurate statement I have ever heard in my 11 years of being a psychotherapist. Object, relation, corrective behavior explained .

[@libbylandscape3560]

Thank you for talking about this. ❤❤❤❤❤ Yep. At some point I started noticing this, and so changed my attitude with these difficult people into an “I don’t give a f what you think or feel”, while maintaining a neutral demeanor in their presence. It’s amazing how quickly they’ve picked up on it, and most of the time they’ll behave themselves. …I still catch myself falling for it on occasion w/other people, so when I start feeling that weird, uncomfortable, disturbing unease around someone with a need to watch my step for no reason because I’m now in trouble, I’ll step back to take a moment and figure out why. Then I remind myself that I’m Not in for a beating because my opinion is different, or I stood up for myself (and I can press charges now if I was hit!), so their irritation at me is their problem not mine.

[@faith.111]

This short is full of wisdom. This is the only message many will actually need to hear to start opening their eyes and heal. If I may add, when you say F this and start cutting narcissistic people off, you will be left alone. Free, to heal and be renewed. Don't cling. Learn to be by yourself. Your Self is all you can count on. After healing, healthy connections will start entering without searching. God bless 💙💜

[@ellanina801]

Omg omg omg DR RAMANI and PATRICK ?!?!?! This is like therapy GOOOOLLLD!!! 🏆🙌🏻

[@DIrizarry07]

Two of my faves dropping jewels together 🥰

[@cindyglass5827]

Yes, it's like ''chasing a leaf being blown down the street'' only to ''finally'' grab hold (yippee) but the leaf 'dislodges itself' from ones hand' and the ''chasing'' starts all over again : (

[@koolbeans8292]

Or the "dry" leaf crumbles in your hand.

[@katieking8830]

So we’ll put!

[@Star-dj1kw]

❤❤ Excellent!! What a golden nugget!

[@9liveslisa]

I reunited with my father after 30 years. I spent the last 6 years of his life having a relationship with him. But what became very clear to me after his passing was that my father was completely clueless about what children need. He thought that if he financially provided for them that was all he had to do. He never understood about love, nurturing, understanding, teaching, empathy. It was all about him. We were just these little people that would eventually leave home in spite of him. There are many people who just should never have children. He didn't have a clue how to raise children. Both my parents were only children and they wanted a big family. There were 4 of us. We basically raised ourselves.

[@criticRN]

So much like my fam - except I don’t think we even got the financial support… My dad left when I was 7. I am the youngest of 4 kids. Mom worked. We raised ourselves.

[@dontworrybehappy150]

This was the first time I heard that statement in the video. It rang so true for me. I said the F with this after 17 years of marriage to a malignant narcissist and 3 children. I shouldn't have had children with this man. Of course, I didn't realize his true nature for a while. I feel sad for them living in chaos when he escalated his toxic behavior to regain control over me. He punished me for exposing his abusiveness by turning them against me, and they're estranged to me for 20 years now. I had no idea that he would hurt our children so badly for his gain. It's sickening.

[@mixedlag]

This made me cry. What an insightful answer to her question. And so damn true, certainly for me. I can think of so many instances of this.

[@xavthomas]

I literally built a career on this skill. I wore it as a badge of honor. And I'm married to the MOST difficult person I've ever met.

[@victoriaallen3753]

This is one of the realest things I’ve heard this year! I feel this so much, until I had to say enough with my mother. I’m trying to stop functioning this way moving forward.

[@johndoe4073]

Succint and powerful! That is the best description I have ever heard.

[@LisaAnn164]

I have experienced a great deal of trauma and abuse during my childhood. What is sad is that NO ONE even BELIEVES me to this day. I was told that I am PLAYING the victim, just seeking attention, and that I am IMAGINING things; which has HAUNTED me most of my life. I am in my 50's. I decided to take some control of my life. I decided to disconnect from those who have been TOXIC to me.

[@Goldrefinedthrufire]

I grew up in fosternhomes from age 1. Awesome memories of my birthmom! Mixed memories of foster parents. The trauma and trying to fix someone is correct... but it's not always blamed on the parents being neglectful or abusive. It's the core need of belonging we ALL need.

[@peachysailor]

Seeing you two collab is like waking up as a kid on Christmas morning. You both bring a lot of wisdom and comfort to me 💕

[@Apixi]

Lack of sense of self😢Seeing ourselves as inherently good😢 I did this for most of my life. I'm tired now

[@mwog7148]

Ok this hit me hard! Wow! On my way finally to healing and learning so much and taking back my life. Getting opposition now from siblings because I am cutting them off. I am a sexual abuse survivor also and have healed from that years ago. This was my next step with my narc siblings. They can't stand that I am a normal functioning person with everything I have been through and continuing on my healing journey. God turned my life around for me 21 years ago and I am so grateful.