What is Weaponised Incompetence?

[@Shelley-j2y]

I live with someone like this, and yes, they feign incompetence to get others to do the things they don't want to do. When you finally figure it out you are usually burned out by doing everything for them. Covert narcissists are notorious for this, and will use this technique along with victimhood to maintain their status quo. Run, and run fast.

[@catbee1452]

I should of "ran" decades ago. I've been burned out for 35+ years. He 'couldn't' come to visit me when I was in the ICU and nearly died from sepsis. Why? Because he had a cold and he couldn't find a baby sitter. This was the 'straw' that broke the camel's back. REALLY opened my eyes to the abusive person he was/is. I'm usually a fast learner, but this one? Quite slow.

[@beekinder6953]

I did run, & yes my one was a covert too. Been free almost a year and the all consuming heartache is worth every minute of freedom.

[@dan5660]

​. That is unbelievable. I can imagine even with increased public access transport like Uber trifling people like this are still pulling the "excuse" card. God help them if they ever needed my help- like an elephant I never forget.

[@beekinder6953]

Finally a name for this. The No 1 npd in my life used to act dumb to not help with DIY projects, even if the task was merely to hold something steady. Demanding answers to a raft of pointless questions, pretending not to understand the most simple answers. I believed it was done to provoke frustration, and it did! Gave them a sense of power to watch me trying to keep calm until I gave up in frustration. Funny how, when I did their DIY projects with them, they were able to help then and without the pointless questions.

[@yumnom69420]

Ugh my dad was the same! But he did it to get people to cook and clean for him... I love how they say "let's make this for dinner" implying there'll be mutual effort... But then they kinda just stand there and watch you do it and eventually disappear while you're hard at work 🙄

[@Shelley-j2y]

And then tell you they'll do the dishes, and never do.@@yumnom69420

[@yumnom69420]

​@@Shelley-j2ylol yupp! And they manage to mess that up too when you finally DO rope them in, dirty spoons in the drawer and everything,, gross

[@Shelley-j2y]

lol...@@yumnom69420

[@Lioness_of_Gaia]

It goes away when the tables are turned, ha?! So frustrating!

[@beekinder6953]

In a nutshell, they don't wonder 'how' they can achieve anything, they instead wonder 'who' they can manipulate into doing it for them!

[@movingforwardfco1587]

Exactly.

[@SaeZuri-g4n]

My father would pretend he could not understand the concept of a boundary, and that he had no memory of all of our prior discussions. He would have me re-Explain, tearfully, to absolute, exhaustion. Then simply shrug his shoulders that he hasn't grasped it.

[@beekinder6953]

and that gave him a sense of power & superiority, coz he could make you so frustrated. ~And if you ended up angry no doubt you were told to calm down or that you were acting crazy? We've all been there haven't we folks. I hope you have broken free my friend.

[@jeffreyjackson5229]

Truthfully, if I had not experienced so much of the issues that you discuss in your videos, I dare to say that I wouldn't believe that people like this actually exist, because they do things that would not even cross my mind and treat people the way that they do. It's been a huge awake call for me.

[@greatgrit]

"Weaponsied/Strategic incompetence", thank you Darren for summing it up with this term. Years of servitude to my older narcissistic sibling (inc driving her everywhere -whilst she tells me how much she has saved by not having a car!!, doing her diy, shopping for things, searching for accomodation when she needs it, brining stuff to the recycling centre etc) because she doesn't like to do those things. Brags about her superiority in high flying career (project management in big corp but cant phone a plumber); feigning incompetence because it bruises their ego to do it for themselves (she plays victim by saying she has no one to help her - it's BS). I stood up to her and told her I wouldn't do it anymore (I'm 50, a lone parent and overwhelmed myself). I was told I was being 'emotionally abusive' by telling her that she she shouldn't be asking people to do for her what she should be doing for herself, like everyone else has to. Also challenged her repeated dating of married men and feeling sorry for herself as a result of their unavailability. I heard myself say for the first time in my life "there is just no accountability" - a term I didn't even know I had in my head until I said it. Been 'No Contact' now for 2+ years. No going back. Keep educating myself through channels like these. thank you

[@kissthekrogan4256]

Thank you for this. I have seen so much manipulative behaviour in my careers, but only began to recognize it after understanding workplace psycopaths and the spectrum of narcissism. If you are in a workplace; document, document, document. I can not stress that enough. And learn about narcissistic behaviours/tactics. The passive-aggressive, manipulative control can drive you mad.

[@svslipknot32]

This term was obviously based on a study of my mil. I can't believe how you've described her perfectly. Thank you for helping me to better understand and confirm my thoughts on this covert narc.

[@imnoel8214]

Manipulation and passive aggression hidden behind a veil of incompetence and stupidity. I've seen this behavior enabled by people who have a need to be the ones who step in and fix the mess to save the day. The enabler may say the work is good, but it's really not. This can make it tricky for others who need to rely on good quality work in the first place.

[@mimi42428]

💯💯💯💯💯💯

[@danieljohnson2349]

This describes my malignant narcissist "brother" Cain ; feigning incompetence/stalling/word salad , etc. to get out of responsibility/any sort of *work* 😠

[@laureneannedeloggio7479]

My husband did this to the point I was going to take him to neurologist to see if he had early dementia. He let me think this. Then we went to a doctor got in the car and I realized he didn't get a note from work. I said you got to get the note. He went in, he said I got the note. He said I know how to do things, I just play dumb because I don't want to do it. I was LIVID I screamed at him. I daud you had me to the point of getting you checked for dementia then he tried to back track his words. NO going back on that

[@lastthingsministry]

At some point they do tell on themselves!

[@jonathanwest3062]

Oh yes. The "I can't do this" and "I don't want to learn how to do this". Definitely had my share and good to know it's another symptom for narcissistic behavior. Thanks Darren.

[@stephanieh7240]

Articles like this are validating for the countless crazy making experiences I’ve had dealing with certain key people in my life. What makes it the worst is they seem to fool everyone else. It’s very isolating being the only one to see and experience such things.

[@dianemoril7612]

My ex-husband can’t clean, even though I’ve shown him countless times in the 20 years of our marriage. He breaks everything he touches, especially my stuff, and when I reproached him, he said, "Do you think I enjoy being clumsy?" I’ll never be patient with a man again.

[@angelicdragon7]

Omg how you described this is what I've experienced with my mother. I always referred to it as a learned helplessness.

[@AnneW-og6dl]

Wow! What a helpful description of what I’ve dealt with for so many years. ‘ I don’t know how to do that ‘ Though I’ve demonstrated several times. Listening daily for years on how he despises his job yet does nothing about it. Yet, is able to manage his social sporting activities and trips with ease. Seems only difficulties are tasks that an adult is usually capable of performing. I got fed up with his irresponsible behavior. I felt like I was drowning with a weight shackled to my leg. I kicked off the shackles and feel like I am able to breathe more easily.

[@leilanoorani2976]

I’ve never heard this term before, but it completely makes sense. Good overview, absolutely right on. This is what my siblings do to get things, money and power from family, etc., while hiding hidden agendas (including stealing). Being adequate or competent is threatening to N parents. Covert is the operative word in my family.

[@KulsumaBegum-cd7ed]

Much needed advice to victims of narcissistism or victims of life. Thanks v v much ❤

[@dan5660]

This is exactly what is going on in America today..just try to get personalized help these days from places like Wal-Mart & you'll see what I mean. Thanks for helping people like myself recognize this for what it is.

[@carolmaplesden916]

Oh the sweet release of validation Thank you Thank you

[@pollypineapple28]

I am married to a person like this! Complains he can’t wash laundry properly, can’t do dishes right, can’t do nothing so he just lets me do it all. I hate him!

[@MultiStefano78]

Pollypineapple28 😂😂😂😂 I can relate

[@InvisibleBorderline]

I’m very familiar with this passive aggressive behavior. My ex husband was the master of this tactic.

[@joeyjojo84]

Owner of the business I worked for. Shonky products but claimed he didn’t know they were shonky because he’d never actually seen the products. (Never seen the products your own business is selling?!). Decided he wanted to build a global empire, from starting in a regional town, with zero plan as to how he would execute this ambitious goal. Got defensive and said he didn’t know the details it was up to the workers to figure it out. He’s “not a details person”. Anytime anything went wrong he didn’t know or have anything to do with it. But anytime things went well he took full credit. But he knew the business was failing and was trying to absolve himself of any responsibility and place it squarely in the staff instead.

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

Oh, yes. Spot on. It’s better to do nothing than to destroy something 😂

[@brendanthebdog]

It infuriated me seeing my mom do this as a child. When she was/is caught in lies she feigned ignorance and incompetence. When all else failed she just lashed out in narcissistic rage and went into depressive episodes for days or weeks on end and was completely absolved. My dad never held her to account for her behavior no matter how bad it was/is.

[@writer1986]

I have a family member who would complain that work keeps giving her more to do, but she's "too busy" to do the work. She's the victim. She would even fail to train newcomers in her department, just to prove she's "too busy." Yet, she would happily do her supervisor's work to try to be besties and gain a job promotion. (She told us all of this, by the way.) After 15 years of her being "too busy" to help her department, her supervisor retired and she gained no job promotion, just more work to do.... In short, her weaponized incompetence lost her the job promotion she'd been eyeing for 15 years.

[@erniecolussy1705]

I clicked on this because I thought it might describe a former boss. It doesn't. He was incompetent. He accused anyone that performed at a level the customers expected of setting too high of a standard and out performing the requirements of contracts. He caused negative reviews by customers. He also caused bad attitude among employees and a high turnover rate. The thing he did have in common with those with weaponized incompetents is laziness.

[@dubliner1303]

Thanks Darren. Would be great to see more of you on your KZbin channel.

[@privateprivate8366]

It can be difficult to spot. Even learning by comparison can be difficult. What I mean is that you may see one person with illness(es) and they look as if they’re getting by just fine. But they’re already working to set you up, to literally be responsible for their life. Then, you have another person, with illness(es). They’re visibly ill, but never ask for anything. Their illnesses are not the same, so may not be equal. So, you may find yourself trying to figure out, if the wilting flower type, is exactly that.

[@TC-gx3qn]

@Darren F Magee There are some titles of your videos where I start clapping before I have seen it because I know how much I will be able to relate-this was definitely one! Thank you for this. 💕 Along those same lines, I have a video idea that I think would help many people. The title is A Million Paper Cuts: Ways a covert narcissist is making your life miserable without your being aware. You can do a video asking for people to share their experiences (in the comment section) of subtle ways covert narcissists have sabotaged, manipulate d, and baited them for supply before they became aware of their tactics. You could then choose some to read in the above titled video.

[@mayamartin7359]

I would be interested in this video idea!! There was a time only last year, when I desperately wanted to be at my own home, gaining autonomy and working on my own household and life goals … but felt I couldn’t stop staying at my mother’s house nearby till all her household honey-do’s were complete and the house was tidied to her high standard. Keep in mind this is with her having no responsibilities, and me homeschooling and running a business as an only parent to a young child. My own house was sitting empty in the next town with my houseplants shriveling. Mind boggling.

[@rileyconnieneel5974]

Yes the subtle abuse is so draining. I would love to hear others examples. I have 1000's.

[@TC-gx3qn]

@rileyconnieneel5974 Yes, it has cost some their physical health and sanity. So sad.

[@Last_Green_Man]

My fahter in a law narc to a T. He spent six weeks "drywalling" a tiny bathroom just to drive us insane. Then he had the nerve to drywall a bedroom in just one day.

[@globalnomad1221]

When incompetence is rewarded incentivized

[@jelenatanic8741]

Dobar kanal.

[@thegrandlevel313]

When SWIM worked for a infamous organization, this was thoroughly covered in training, utilized in the field by training locals who were not necessary loyal to the cause of the group the organization represented, but those who had a mutual goal of hindering a faction’s ability to operate from within. Placing people in key positions in which their incompetence and inability to be trained at a task after beginning the endeavor as seemingly a great fit, small mistakes add up to big costs. This happens with corporations as well, probably why non-compete agreements are becoming illegal which would make that tactic fair game… I guess I mention it to emphasize the level of sophistication and premeditation 0:05 this manipulation entails.

[@Lioness_of_Gaia]

Yes! Evil often masquerades as incompetent. My mom does this. I hate it.

[@JohnSmith-bm6zg]

Narcissists often avoid driving or learning to drive. If they do drive, they may insist on certain rules in the car such as no radio, or mandatory radio. No radiator or mandatory radiator. Otherwise they are simply incapable of driving.

[@user333-us4qz]

🤣

[@My2up2downCastle]

Oh yes!..... the sabotage thing!!!.....

[@mac-ju5ot]

A neigbhor used this during my poor deceased neigbhors crisis . He had always been sarcastic over the few years I met him...always feigning the need for her love .She'd cook for him...show up...they have a fight he'd act innocent ...she was the nicest lady is m.sad she passed away the way she did. Idk know if I did the right thing letting her go....or if I should have forgotten about her dignity given it the old college try ....all I know is I needed instructions ..I don't usually fluster easily .it's very bothersome.i lived her greatly.

[@tullyDT]

I know one person who uses it as a defence mechanism. In a previous job he went in putting his best foot forward and being eager to please. The managers got it into their heads that he was the most capable person on the team and in his opinion he was punished by being given the hardest and most intensive jobs to do, if someone was on holiday or sick it up to him to pick up slack. He was only allowed to take 1 week of holidays at a time as he was "too important to be gone any longer" and while he was away or on sick leave his work was allowed to pile up and that plus extra was always waiting for him when he got back, his work was never redistributed in his absence. As a result of that experience he makes sure he never stands out from his peers for fear of ending up in that situation again.

[@alenagoddess2400]

I've seen 30 goats and sheep die partially due to someone failing to read instructions or take verbal orders after almost 10 years of watching someone do the job.

[@ms.moliver]

A boss accused me of weaponzing mental health when I failed to finish a project during an incredibly serious mental health crisis. I'm a high performer on either end of that crisis but they continue to claim I'm horrible, incompetent, etc. They have many covert narcissist traits themselves, so....? 🤷

[@Lioness_of_Gaia]

Sounds like projection. I'm sorry you experienced that.

[@amandagribbin2638]

interesting

[@robbehr8806]

I hadn't heard the term "weaponized incompetence."

[@DarrenFMagee]

Thank you so much for your kind support

[@Ali-e5h1b]

2:20 - I think that's a strategy in "The Art of War." Several other authors describe the use of "feints" or "playing possum." It's not always a bad thing, depending on who "should" win the engagement.

[@CarolynOsborne]

Someone attempted it with me because he didn't think a man should have to change the paper in a copier. He asked me to "show" him how to do it. Sure... First you need to open that bottom drawer... "Oh, it's a hands-on lesson." And then he did it without further instruction. What a jerk.

[@marialorda8921]

You describe my mother. I try to see her only for a few minutes and talk as less as possible. I'm lucky becouse we are six siblings...

[@trishriddell]

😮😳🤯😌

[@MaileyMcAslan]

They literally call it “Country Dumb” in the American South.

[@yumnom69420]

Lmao! but.. but.. but... I don't know how to use a.. what do you call it? eee male?! Is that like the Google? My nephew showed me once but I can't remember 🤔

[@vantheman7068]

The whole ANC government smacks of nuclear weaponised incompetence here in South Africa. We really live in some kind of cluster B country.

[@danieljohnson2349]

DFM 👍

[@theindependentstage8096]

My Ex...all the way

[@ghilly_one1720]

yeah - a sibling like this. we have no relationship now because i called her out on her krap so there is that excellent bonus. sooooo very lazy it's hard to comprehend that level of self-entitlement to put forth absolutely nothing yet get everything. her laziness is full spectrum - just everything. and boy the show of victimhood when i call her out. but it's ok if anyone else calls her out - just not me.

[@owenmcgheeandbdawg]

If a person acts less knowledgeable to fit in they're sometimes treated as stupid by the very people they were trying to fit in with. I know that from experience. This was an enlightening video for me as I look at things like this asking if I do that. Thank You ✌️❤️

[@rockstarofredondo]

This is what government does.

[@bartlevenson7851]

never truer words were spoken!

[@bramblebear3121]

In my experience weaponised incompetence is an old white guy's retirement golden parachute

[@Ali-e5h1b]

2:50 - There are too many contractors that do that to run up the bill. It happens in construction, production, legal, and other fields. It's a very American way of earning more money while delivering less value. People look around and wonder why the US economy is going to shit... Economists need to learn from criminal justice and anti-social psychology. Or, we have more economic policy shaped by criminal psychologists.

[@denisechappell3434]

Generally people who play the victim never are .

[@cath3rine9]

My narcissistic mother in law plays dumb when she is confronted kindly about the rude and hurtful things she says and does. “I never said that. I can’t remember that. You’re making things up.” The flying monkeys all tell me, she just has a bad memory. Just ignore her, deal with it. But she sure has a great memory when it comes to the things I’ve done in the past that she doesn’t like. Not even wrong things just difference of opinion. Is this an example of weaponized incompetence?

[@Ali-e5h1b]

It's absolutely a tool used by bad police officers. Really, anyone with a responsibility to act. Uvalde may have been actual incompetence; I don't think they were faking that. They knew what they were supposed to do. The incompetence is saying it was a hostage situation instead of an active shooter. In hostage situations they stay back. In active shooter situations they breech asap.

[@Adam-xs3ng]

The current UK government?

[@jeankipper6954]

Funny. Mom's lots older than that.

[@GeorgWilde]

Chronic welfare state recepients someone?

[@helenestiernstrand6575]

My covert victimhood mother excells at this🤢

[@autisticexpressiongenx]

Traffic in organs n drug dealeing

[@cabot100]

Your volume is deficient; to hear the audio, I need to turn the volume on my computer all the way up.

[@Lioness_of_Gaia]

Not for me. I had to turn the volume down.

[@cabot100]

@@Lioness_of_GaiaThanks for sharing your experience.

[@Lioness_of_Gaia]

@@cabot100 lol

[@narcabusefreezone6798]

Thanks for showing us that weaponized incompetence also has to do with arrogance too.@@cabot100

[@user333-us4qz]

weaponized incompetence is actually smart in Work places 🤣 dont be a fool to Work to hard and show to much. You Will not get a medal or a bigger salary. 🧐 but if you get Accord its a different story 🦾🤣