Doubling Down and Dark Personality

[@nenasadie]

Before I left and went NC with my mother, I had brought up that the fridge was broken. I had noticed it wasn't getting cold anymore. She reacted angrily, as if by noticing and saying it, I had caused it to happen. Then she outright denied that there was anything wrong with it. She told me I was wrong. I took to eating pot noodles and instant sachets of coffee, while for the next two weeks she used that fridge, even though the milk for her tea had become lumpy. And then, when enough time had passed, she declared the fridge was broken as if she was surprised no one else had noticed it. My partner thought this was the most bonkers thing he had ever heard, of course. I sort of knew, but my thinking was so clouded and I was so accustomed to her using every single thing to make me the bad person that I didn't see how insane it was. It's four years of therapy later, and every time I revisit this memory it's just more and more insane. How could I have lived like that? How could I have thought that was anything approaching normal? Just wanted to pop an example in here that was about something ordinary as well. The extraordinary lengths narcissists will go.

[@Teacher369]

I grew up in a toxic family. I understand crazy. You can’t say anything without making things worse. You accept it on some level because with those people, it has become your “reality.” NO MORE! Good for you that you are out. 👍

[@garryyoung8945]

I know the feeling. Try explaining that to a normal person and they’re likely to think that you’re a fruitcake

[@elisabethrio6498]

Exactly~It makes no sense to us, so, our brain cells get overwhelmed.

[@carolmaplesden916]

It's the ole boiling the frog analogy you put the frog in body temp water and slowly increase the heat over along process You never knew better

[@alicewright4322]

"The man who never changes his opinions is like standing water: He breeds reptiles of the mind" -William Blake

[@ghilly_one1720]

Absolutely right on the “cannot take criticism of any kind”. The rage, the “you caused me to have a nervous breakdown”, the blame shifting. So one must become detached and able to view the behavior for what it is. When it’s happening in real-time in front of your face it’s quite a ridiculous and pathetic display.

[@jeankipper6954]

Pop often said, "Quit confusing me with facts. I know what I think."

[@jazziew2148]

😬

[@evelynkorjack2126]

😅😅😅😅 to be concluded with, "and i am always right"

[@dakoderii4221]

A therapist at the VA once said, "Facts don't matter. Only thing that matters is you can't be offending people now!" Top-notch therapy🥴👍

[@petervandolah5322]

I'm on the receiving end of this crap right now ... Great help here, calmly and intelligently conveyed ... Thank you ...

[@thecustodian1023]

Don't play to win, play for endless stalemates. They take the least amount of effort and resources on your part while simultaneously pushing the narc to use ever more of theirs to try and get to you. If the narc is stubborn enough and you have proven you can stale mate them at will using minimal resources of your own, they will resort to burning their own world down around themselves in hopes it takes yours with them, even if it really wont. It's a long miserable game, but it works.

[@kimberlymccracken747]

Darren, your description of these tactics is priceless. As a young person, I saw my parents play these out. It was downright insane and led to an inner sort of rebellion on my part as well as a lessening of my belief in them as individuals and my respect for their authority. This behavior was off-putting and seriously destabilized the family system - eroding trust and any feeling of true safety. None of them ever grew out of it as far as I could tell. For these types, rational thought and compassionate listening goes out the window for sheer ego strength and totalitarianism. They were all willing to harm their own children in the process. Very sad indeed. 😓💔

[@eurokay4755]

My family member who is arrogantly ignorant does this, exactly. I've learned to stop engaging at all, which irritates him. He's constantly looking for drama and argument over things that have nothing to do with him directly. It's exhausting and boring to be around him. He can't see the effect he has on others, and he doesn't care anyway. If someone does dare to say he's offended them, he demonstrates his lack of concern for the person and the relationship by mocking them. My family of origin dynamic has been to just tolerate it and act as if he never did or said anything offensive or bullying - "That's just how he is and you should know that by now." Well, yes. I finally realized that doesn't have to be the end of that story. I do know that's how he is. How I am is that I don't waste my vacation, holiday or free time around him at all anymore. Made "family" occasions slightly awkward for a while because I usually now have other plans. Holidays are now peaceful and joyful, no drama.

[@notagain779]

@eurokay4755, And if they complain, you can just say, "You know that's just how I am." When you disrupt a long established family dynamic, it's true that it's going to be awkward for a while. But THEY have to do some adjustments to their thinking, and stop being spoiled, demanding and snarky when things don't go their way. It's off-putting, and about as comfortable as tight fitting underwear, giving a wedgie, to be around such a person. I'm going through a similar thing right now. Looking for some peace, and glad to know you have found peace for yourself, free of drama.

[@eurokay4755]

@Jeanog Groups like this, and comments like yours, are a big part of what made me finally realize that I had options. It's so, so easy to just adopt the family line, and it's also a mental wedgie (love that, and I'm keeping the image for later mental reference, just so I can smile to myself as it's happening) to disrupt it. I'm very, very lucky in that my spouse is stone cold normal and a very good support to me. It's funny, now, to realize why he's always been treated somewhat as an outsider. Manipulative people can identify someone who isn't subject to their tactics, so they've always been polite but distant with him. After 35 years, I finally understand why, and putting the pieces together, developing firm boundaries and a clearer sense of self has only made that relationship stronger. Like you said, it's an awkward, painful journey but it's definitely worth it. I appreciate your insight - thank you!

[@bradr6897]

Darren, spot on again.

[@forrestfey]

Makes me think about the ”fair game” tactics Scientology uses and their policy ”always atack, never defend”.

[@bereal6590]

My mother's desire to always be right led her to see something on the Internet which was what she had insinuated. They do not listen to anything or anyone that does not fit their map of the world. Completely inflexible

[@zerosoma33]

Note that this is different from doubling down because you’ve been ostracized and stick up for yourself.

[@frankrizzo2157]

excellent

[@chrisantoniou4366]

All good points, but there's one more I'd like to add... Narcissists will often interject with some comment or other which is completely ridiculous in a conversation which doesn't have them as the centre of attention, particularly if the attention is on someone else's achievements. They do this to divert attention from the achiever and on to the Narcissist, so it doesn't matter how stupid or ridiculous their comment happens to be, they double down to the point of stupidity just to keep the spoltlight on themselves and to "cancel" the other person.

[@missbearlockholmes]

Yup❕

[@ClezVideos]

Great video, thank you. So many groups like that on Twitter 🙄

[@joanb8489]

Your summary’s are excellent.!

[@privateprivate8366]

It’s not the same thing. But narcissists will use it as them just being right. They may even come back, on the same topic or an entirely different topic, with a continued idea that they were right, last time and always, simply because they yelled the loudest or they shut you up. No winning with them. Best to dump them.

[@thecustodian1023]

When they get proven wrong they just rebuild the story and narrative to sound like they weren't even if they clearly were/still are.

[@elisabethrio6498]

Very true~my ex-husband pulled this every time. I was pretty sure I wasn't crazy.

[@IzabelaWaniek-i1x]

So very much the case. Spot on Darren. Brilliantly explained. Thank you 🙏 God bless you ❤

[@symbolsandsystems]

it all comes down to one basic fact: they lie

[@foxiefair123]

Some toxic family members actually lost their house rather than make my life less miserable while I was renting from them. Just to be right.

[@sarahwagland1559]

You've met my neighbours then? We have had no option but to threaten them with court proceedings. They have 28 days to come up with something to prevent us all from having to go to court. We cannot see a way out for them that doesn't expose their vindictive behaviour but we're sure they'll try desperately to think of something.

[@ricardajames5769]

Thank you very much for sharing this information. Very insightful. 😊

[@mac-ju5ot]

You can't win in dealing g with any narcs. Bottom line is they'll never see your worth. ..they talk a long winded efforts if having self esteem but in the end once you catch with having double standards they discard you

[@staceybrand8383]

Thank you for another informative and well explained video!! Is there a possibility that you could do one about covert narcs in the workplace?

[@matthewwozniak9138]

Make sure you have access to A lifeboat, especally if the ships going down. Don't worry about the flying monkeys, they can't swim.

[@SherryWilson-dk7bo]

Thank you for the information this is very helpful ❤🙏

[@dgvfsa66]

I briefly had a narc friend. It became her goal to change my political views. I heard her tell her husband "shes really a _____ she just doesn't know it yet." That was it for me. Nobody decides my core beliefs. Friendship over.

[@KTo288]

To be controversial, this describes too many voters and politicians on the right. If parties were people, it would describe the Tory party to a t.

[@bereal6590]

The tory party especially the last 3 pm's and front benches are all dark triads. That's why we are in the mess we are in. Farage is even worse ✌

[@Enjoyinformation-hi9uo]

Fantastic video thanks. Also your looking handsome 😊.

[@MsBrooklyn62]

you're means you are

[@imago9059]

A high mach might change their view if it serves their goals, even to the point of forfeiting their ego.

[@alicewright4322]

As an atheist who was raised Catholic I feel like I got used to having cognitive dissonance and just having to move on and accept contradictions. Eg. you have privacy, but God and your dead relatives are always watching you; the celestial is eternal, but now limbo doesn't exist anymore; God forgives everyone, but also turns people into pillars of salt for gazing backwards. You can't resolve the contradictions, so no point worrying about it, so worry about external world instead.

[@ot9180]

U have something to talk about every single day. Just tell me how much a pint of Guinness with blackberry shamrock dressing costs over there these days. Thanks and God bless.

[@missbearlockholmes]

I don't drink any beer type beverage, but blackberry shamrock sounds delicious!

[@albertahanna5708]

Darren please help us we don't recognise our son anymore 🙏

[@meredith2803]

I think your channel is not appreciated enough and it is excellent…I just wanted to say that.

[@danieljohnson2349]

DFM 👍

[@antiochiaadtaurum3786]

Jordan Cough Peterson

[@lt827]

??

[@sharonthompson672]

I'm in the U.S. We're up to our ears in confirmation bias. It's like 1930's Germany here😬

[@MaryDunford]

​@mjesns77 Maybe. That doesn't mean it isn't true.

[@MaryDunford]

​@lt827 Peterson is right about a lot of things. He's also wrong about a lot of things. But I think the OP was commenting on Peterson's general demeanor. He comes across as arrogant and grandiose. There's also a great deal of black and white/ all or nothing (divisive) language when he conveys messages. I don't agree with the college revoking his license over his views. But he seems a bit of an extremist; so I wouldn't say I'm a fan either. Hope that clears things up a bit. Cheers.

[@sarahwagland1559]

When you're good at something and confident in your ability it's easy to be perceived as arrogant and grandiose. The way we feel says more about us than them.

[@shirleylewis7672]

Are narcissists mentally ill ?

[@Mouse_Metal]

Disney in a nutshell. :D

[@LesleyWeatherill]

Wanna be dark 😮

[@evelynkorjack2126]

😮 oh dear, this place is becoming just too much political commentary😂