What Is Your Amateur Porn Telling Employers About You?

The First Responders discuss how to keep the amateur porn you make from affecting your job search. (Aired 11/18/11)
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[@Thrifty032781]

Their deadpan delivery is perfect comic genius.

[@aaronnikels5706]

First

[@MandrakeVescampo]

Third

[@poopslayer6863]

Fifth

[@A_J___]

Sixth

[@harry9433]

Seventh

[@camazotzz]

I'm actualy disappointed my employer never bothered to look up or at least comment on my amateur porn. I feel undervalued.

[@KanishQQuotes]

Report that to ethics department

[@dimitriscollier9918]

They shouldn't have to search for it, you're almost always expected to be willing to show it to them. I can totally understand where you're coming from though, so that's why I have a link for my professional account on youporn on top of my resume. Think of a resume as an advertisement for yourself. You want to show your best self and that's why having a professional account a necessity.

[@lukesalter9600]

Well now it’s gone

[@vyl4650]

You know, if you feel underappreciated, maybe you should bring it up when discussing your next raise. A good amateur porn can give you the edge over Sara from accounting easily. But to give real useful advice we need to inspect both your and Saras video

[@Theseus294]

Link???

[@adgato75]

"I actually shoot my porn in a sepia tone to make it look old-timey , so if people see it they'll think it's my grandfather and not me." I lost it at that , it's so specific , and he planned ahead , yet it's so dumb lol.

[@tori9365]

😂😂😂😂😂

[@nunyabiznes33]

I'd totally pay to see him getting tag teamed.

[@hippopotamus7032]

@@nunyabiznes33 pause

[@TaeSunWoo]

It’ll work for millennials and younger

[@mandelorean6243]

By dumb, you mean brilliant??

[@colechapman6976]

I wish to live in a world where a man is not judged by the color of his skin but by the content of his porn

[@jasminehouston-burns1691]

Good one...

[@Orimthekeyacolite]

Interracial is a big genre though, so it's kinda both

[@ltr1745]

@@Orimthekeyacolite Are you a guy?

[@Mattened]

@@Orimthekeyacolite gross

[@Orimthekeyacolite]

@@Mattened I'm glad you appreciate

[@CountChrisdo]

Man this is done so realistically I'm laughing

[@catatonic8313]

haha

[@tacosombrero1879]

@dankest-TV You honestly believe the channel lords would let this happen?

[@leeeastwood6368]

@الشرالشر yeah, I asked that as well|!

[@Arkain89]

four white americans, no unchecked racism, no school shooting, no abortion clinic bombing hardly realistic

[@totty2524]

I love how dead serious they are when they deliver the lines

[@orlandocalder1645]

"Oh no i hate that." "No it was a good time for everybody" lmao This had me rofl!

[@EricSmyth4Christ]

Lol

[@nikkilee3840]

When you're jacking it to hella hardcore porn. But then you gotta stop for a minute cause they're doing some piss play.

[@aidan1047]

Wow comments from 4 years ago are really different. "This had me Rolf"

[@Ayr-me7vb]

@@aidan1047 it's like an ancient relic

[@lovemesomenugsmmmm]

Read that right when I saw it lol

[@Resi1ience]

Here's what I love; the conversation is _getting somewhere._ It's not just a pointless back and forth, they start off disagreeing and come up with _solutions_ to tackle the disagreement, giving options to people struggling from this groundbreaking policy while offering different perspectives.

[@masiethespiral]

This is the political analysis we need

[@Zxv975]

Yeah, that's unfortunately why it's not a realistic debate.

[@kirk2767]

Guy on the left was just in an episode of "Lucky Hank." Good actor.

[@TheStoicNinja]

Everything is possible when it's fake

[@Zxv975]

@@TheStoicNinja The implication is that real political discussions are disappointing because they *don't* do the things listed here. The point isn't to praise a scripted dialogue...

[@toppingstoppings9689]

"You cant cover the eyes thats were the innocence is" is one of the funniest, and most disturbing responses anyone could have possible said lol

[@Alexanderrr3r]

Can you please explain the joke to someone who isn't that good at English?

[@perkynaanaa6237]

@@Alexanderrr3r A bit hard to explain, but i'll try, just because innocence can mean a few things. One of the news presenters suggested covering your eyes to hide your identity when shooting amateur pornography. The lady did not like this suggestion because the 'innocence' is in the eyes. The innocense she is talking about is something like childish ignorance. Like how children don't know the gross things adults do. She wants to keep the innocence, because corruption of innocence is a big thing in porn. The other innocence is used mostly in court - Innocent or Guilty. In a way, they both mean the same thing, but can be altered depending on the context it is used in. What is your first language? If you're still confused, I might be able to find an easy translation for you.

[@Alexanderrr3r]

​@@perkynaanaa6237 Thanks, I got the meaning, I just don't find this as hillarious as people in comments, and hoped that someone can explain me if there is some sort of hidden meaning or cultural reference in it. Guess it is just matter of taste in humor. I speak Latvian and Russian.

[@Alexanderrr3r]

@@thellewelynmoss Not sharing your sense of humor isn't equal to no sense of humor at all.

[@Alexanderrr3r]

@@thellewelynmoss Also - Russians are significantly less humorous than you think, trust me. I would rather call Russians more sentimental than funny.

[@tghooker5123]

that was perfectly played, the line about shooting his porno sepia tone to make people think he's his grandfather was great

[@Loli_lover206]

That was my favorite part

[@grendelum]

I seriously want to toss some pr0n in after effects and sepia tone and age it...

[@valletas]

Record with a camera from the 70s for the added effect

[@henrylivingstone2971]

@@valletas Or better yet use a 1930’s camera and make it into a silent film with captions reading out all the ecstasy derived profanity laced dialogue

[@MCVessels]

@@henrylivingstone2971 "No, not there - here!" "Good heavens!" And maybe a piano accompaniment to go with the exciting parts.

[@sonicrising6614]

"That's where the innocence is"...LMFAO

[@connorbroderick7148]

That is the best line

[@RiccardoPazzi]

Do you know anything about the three brothers LMFAO LMBAO and LMAO?

[@ichwillzocken4510]

Please keep the likes on 2020. Until 2021, you know.

[@charlesq7866]

So true! Can't stand a shot from the shoulders down!

[@J-BiRTH]

Funny and true.

[@BenjaminBadbrother]

3 years before onlyfans. The Onion did it again.

[@haagenneldeberg6787]

How old are you?

[@BenjaminBadbrother]

@@haagenneldeberg6787 old enough to see the truth in satire.

[@kingacrisius]

What does onlyfans have to do with this? I mean sure onlyfans is a porn site but it's not like there were no porn sites before this video...

[@BenjaminBadbrother]

@@kingacrisius Onlyfans allows amateurs to monetize their porn on an accessible platform that's become very, very popular. To the point where employers and other employees are finding them of coworkers and it's making news headlines and reddit forums.

[@landonsorenson9278]

@@BenjaminBadbrother holy shit man, he just died, you killed him.

[@mzingayemubaya4096]

"Am I supposed to leave an orgy because someone brings a camera" LOL

[@Freedomlives33]

The rabbit mask tho 👍🏾👍🏾😂🤣

[@ericgarcia4745]

"that's not the same when you cover their eyes that's where the innocence is" LMAO!

[@KhaelisRa88]

I was looking for comment about that! lmao

[@lizxu322]

@@KhaelisRa88 write it yourself next time

[@basinxrandomstuff7264]

That woman is my hero

[@tradtke101]

Today we all learned something very uncomfortable about ourselves

[@Im-BAD-at-satire]

@@tradtke101 That's the reason why people go to Germany to get therapy at the Dunkelfeld project after all, America finds that sort of therapy unconstitutional.

[@davidthomas9190]

I think the onion somehow accessed my search history and used it as material here.

[@justcallmeassinine]

David Thomas would not put it past them

[@jannchavez9257]

That's already Google

[@rustinstardust2094]

Well this explains so much now...

[@oriontigley5089]

Honestly, I'm pretty sure it's just that everyone has the exact same search history....

[@tcg1_qc]

Reminding you of this comment 5 years later since I'm your 1000th like

[@otitoaso5096]

2020, this became a real discussion about employees and their only fans accounts.. Onion, The Future News

[@shacka95]

It’s satire so it was based on discussions that were already happening. It was 2012, not 1990

[@goji_crafter]

@@shacka95 this video was pretty clearly based on the discussion of social media being considered by employers, not the Onlyfans controversy

[@Dosko]

​@@goji_crafter And yet...

[@definitelynotwalter]

"Don't cover the eyes, that's where the innocence is." LMFAO

[@mineduck3050]

Oh I hate that. That lady is funny, she's into innocence being taken while others have their way with her. She's saying that she's getting off on the abuse, her character is turned on by being forced to do things she doesn't like doing. Deep, and pretty sexy I bet she's a catch in real life.

[@Zimzamzoom95]

@@mineduck3050 wtf

[@OtherDalfite]

@@Zimzamzoom95 down bad

[@mayneiscool]

@@mineduck3050 K

[@t77snapshot]

Show your support of diversity in the work place ;)

[@Zen-rw2fz]

and multitasking

[@brodied.6230]

These days, everyone has an XTube account

[@matheusalves1237]

Hey, I’m Latino...

[@matheusalves1237]

Lol

[@jillvalentinefan77]

Nahhhh man u gey

[@sking3014]

and multitasking.... LOL

[@IveGotToast]

I feel like that line was improved

[@JJmanJLmanmixup]

IveGotToast Improvised...

[@IveGotToast]

Neon Enchantments Plus No i think it made it better.

[@Simon-oy7kf]

@@IveGotToast that sentence doesn't make sense

[@kalks4334]

@@Simon-oy7kf It does make sense

[@JazzRabbit.]

“No one’s saying you should leave an orgy.” It’s bizarre hearing arguments about porn with the rhythms of a tv news debate.

[@melonie_peppers]

You ate the onion

[@coreyneedssleep2801]

"I actually shoot my porn in sepia tone so if someone sees it it looks like my grandfather and not me" 😂

[@tori9365]

LMAO 😂😂😂😂

[@ubercow6611]

That line is underrated

[@trequor]

@@cheistiandunn7988 *hung* "Hanged" is a form of execution.

[@trequor]

@@cheistiandunn7988 ... like by the neck until dead?

[@AaronLikesSpaghetti]

*frantically deletes history*

[@Ebani]

Not like everything is recorded lmao

[@fulcrum2951]

Still deletes history

[@oriontigley5089]

*carefully backs up history...* ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

[@brendenblackburn2803]

@@oriontigley5089 No need to, it's already on Google's servers.

[@trae4487]

@@oriontigley5089 lmao

[@Yashodhan1917]

"And multi-tasking!" Brilliant writing, Onion. Very realistic.

[@Anonymous-mn3td]

This reminds me of a time I went to the Apple Store near Union Square in San Francisco. While waiting for a genius bar rep, the guy literally across from me at the same table starts telling this employee about how he thinks the porn he's been watching is messing up his computer. He didn't actually get this specific or anything, but he was just openly discussing it in the middle of one of the busiest parts of the city in earshot of literally everyone. Employee was totally calm and not surprised at all -- I started looking around for cameras thinking it was some sort of spoof...nope. Just one for the ages.

[@MCVessels]

Apple Store nothing, a guy said this to me when I was working in a public library! I think I told him to get a virus scanner.

[@tanyawade5197]

@@MCVessels 😂😂😂

[@ShaneusSnake]

This shouldn’t surprise you at all if you live in San Francisco.

[@Anonymous-mn3td]

​@@ShaneusSnake I grew up in the bay area. Doesn't really check out given the state of the area ~2010 on (this happened ~2012-2013). The kicker here, at least for me, is that not only did the guy present as some (at least moderately) affluent late 30s to mid 40s small biz type who neither dressed nor acted the part until he started talking, but that the woman from the genius bar wasn't even remotely fazed by any of it. They were so completely everyday about it that it felt like the first half of that scene from Family Guy where Quagmire walks into the apple store.

[@smurfyday]

@@ShaneusSnake Sex toy stores are the most common per capita in sexually repressed areas like Salt Lake City.

[@dylanwatts8818]

When the camera cuts back and he’s wearing the mask I lost it xD

[@FerretOverlord]

"Well no, it was a really good time for everybody" The Onion never fails to break my stoneface.

[@ProgThoughts]

The good ol' days

[@mockingbird187]

"Well, no, it was a really good time for everybody..."

[@opinionatedbachelor5803]

The fact that they could enact this with a straight face makes it more funny. I need bloopers for this particular video.

[@t16205]

I imagine they need a lot of takes to makes these videos xD

[@kitsunelee007]

The fact that this is so possible to see as a real news segment or trending tweet it's terrifying and hysterical.

[@somethingsomething2100]

This was posted 10 years ago as well

[@mikedanger2593]

Damn. Barely two minutes long and every line is meme worthy.

[@theily1724]

Is that guy to the left the guy from “If Google Was A Guy” or just eerily similar in appearance to him? (Our left, not their left.)

[@lagrangepoint9386]

I knew I recognised him from somewhere!

[@hemipemi]

No he's the guy from the RedTube piss orgy.

[@breadeater1194]

@@hemipemi I wish I could like your comment

[@fulcrum2951]

@@hemipemi piss orgy, wtf

[@Poop-nu1so]

@@fulcrum2951 watch the video

[@magnustoth8506]

These Onion videos have more repeat viewing value than any comedy bits I have ever seen. Even classic SNL doesn’t hold up as well as this stuff. These jokes are just so fresh and funny every time I hear them.

[@abuhassan9321]

It's rude to leave an orgy and downright distasteful!!!

[@DJ-ov2it]

Wow, that is the Google Guy from CollegeHumor!

[@bauti2112]

Yes, he's also in "people from earth". He's awesome

[@nagoshi01]

Yep, he was also in an episode or 2 of House M.D. Great actor

[@oreolord7794]

Holy crap your right! I knew i saw him before but couldnt remember where!

[@allistair61]

Yes, most of the college humour guys do this sort of thing, did you see their daddy's day videos. All a bunch of perverts!

[@joenani]

Onion really had some quality actors

[@redryan20000]

This is absolutely perfect. Feels like every generic political argument on the news.

[@niggastfuandeatacinnamonro350]

Can we take a moment to appreciate how everyone in every video are so good at acting 👌

[@smurfyday]

Back then The Onion hired professional actors

[@AshGreen359]

In my experience, the most assertive control freaks are totally the opposite in bed.

[@NJ-wb1cz]

People who fear losing control and cling to symbols or behaviors of domination don't have a lot of control thus they fear losing it. People who actually feel totally in control don't exhude desire for even more control, they don't need external things to try to achieve balance. Politicians have been exploiting this for millenia, and it still works as good today as it worked centuries ago. The biggest most exploitable pussy is the guy with the biggest gun. Scare him enough, give him an authority daddy figure to make him feel safe, and he will die for you.

[@haagenneldeberg6787]

And vice versa

[@AshGreen359]

@@Mugruncher Looks like you've had some bad experiences with some sociopaths. I wasn't talking about people that far off the deep end

[@elisecode2212]

@@haagenneldeberg6787 I was going to say, guys are surprised because I’m so “chill” normally

[@JustAGuySlayingDragons]

So the least assertive control freak is totally opposite? 😏

[@TeamSlackerGaming]

"That's where the innocence is..." I love The Onion.

[@MrChokenspit]

This is still the second best Onion vid ever. Best ever is Kafka International

[@RickJaeger]

personally the Death Penalty Is Totally Bad-Ass is my ultimate favorite

[@314jets6]

These are some of my favorites: kzbin.info/www/bejne/b3PRfZWsa7aMmaM kzbin.info/www/bejne/qWPYon1qrbmrbs0 kzbin.info/www/bejne/h2WzdGuCqtacrdU

[@allensacharov5424]

gotta love the America's Best 4 dead snakes in a bag

[@MichelHoue]

"That's where is the innocence is" I'm dead

[@bvvrnYT]

the best comedians have a god gifted talent of not laughing at will

[@zapkvr]

Its called acting

[@mrw1208]

Never laugh at your own jokes. If my students are laughing at mine, I just stare straight at them dead pan. Buster Keaton's bits were so much funnier because of the dead expression on his face..

[@BIGGSHAUN]

After watching this, I’m convinced that there’s NO idea that The Onion would turn down.

[@SnowofLight]

Onion, this was absolutely beautiful

[@antzrainbow_wizard8939]

"It was a really good time for everybody" he says with no remorse lol

[@MCVessels]

❤️

[@duetopersonalreasonsaaaaaa]

I mean if it was consensual why would there be remorse lol

[@LB-uw1lk]

How can you say all those punchlines and keep being so serious ?! I’d be laughing my ass off 🤣 Big up to those actors/actresses

[@markw6031]

multi-tasking... gotta love the Onion.

[@nateblack8669]

Holy crap, this is one of the best Onion sketches I've ever seen.

[@justrandomthings319]

Hands down the BEST actors I have ever seen in my life. I don't know how they didn't burst out laughing.

[@MachineGunther]

"If you cover the eyes that's where the innocence is" my god hahaha

[@forgotten1s]

Hahahahah

[@TheDudeSmashTrash]

"that's where the innocence is"

[@patrickmuhwheeney6518]

"No one's saying you should leave an orgy." Preaching to the converted...

[@mehboobkm3728]

I love this section of Onions where the experts discuss about the things that is plaguing our society. I used to and still do serious discussions like with my friends when all of the strangers who overhear our talk think we were serious!!

[@SaraAB98]

Your channel is definitely my favorite, you have the most talented actors and actresses, keep up the good work! ✨

[@nicholasplesko533]

A lot of good information right there. Sepia mode and bunny masks. I’m so glad there’s still a News network that supports the common man.

[@HaskHole]

2010:amateur porn 2020:only fans

[@haagenneldeberg6787]

Same thing. Only fans is just like this new thing for the kids.

[@MCVessels]

@@haagenneldeberg6787 I thought that was hoola hoops.

[@Rice8003]

"am I supposed to leave an orgy because someone shows up with a camera" i honestly couldn't find any flaw in that reasoning.

[@camomiletea7357]

"you can't do that, the eyes are where the innocence is."

[@patrickdonaghy3009]

The insane thing is that I’m actually forming a strong opinion on the topic while listening to the points, even though it’s one which doesn’t even exist😂

[@Nikenik2001]

Me too, your online consenting amateur porn shouldn't reflect negatively on your job application! Peace&Love! 💚

[@sarcasmgod8430]

im still thinking about making the old timey porn in sepia and have the flashcard cut-ins with the words.

[@Frosty_tha_Snowman]

1:09 "that's where the innocence is" 😂 oh my gahd... I laughed so hard at this. These people are such phenomenal actors.

[@valkyria6699]

I don't recall anyone asking.

[@Frosty_tha_Snowman]

@@valkyria6699 sounds like this video hit a bit too close to home for you to enjoy.

[@valkyria6699]

@@Frosty_tha_Snowman Got me! 🤪

[@adanessosman9533]

One by one onion ridiculous news discussion few years ago became prevalent now.

[@jeremysolano398]

What times we live in today.

[@macman975]

The quick cut to the guy wearing the mask at the end was brilliant 😂😂

[@ersturdevant2831]

"It's not a the same when you cover the eyes... that's where the innocence is." Classic.

[@MrKnobs5]

Am I supposed to leave an orgy Just because somebody bought a camera LOL

[@realbland]

"oh i hate that" "no it was a great time actually" PLS

[@doublechocolatedangles7351]

With the rise in people with only fans accounts, this is soon gonna be real debates you see in the news.

[@opinionofmine3238]

"You can't shoot below the eyes, that's where the innocence is!" the outrage! XD

[@nikkilee3840]

"you have to include the eyes, that's where the innocence is" Very true!

[@ALulzyApprentice]

This aged very well.

[@maximilian9295]

These are so funny and so incredibly realistic, they should still make these!

[@KKB_05]

why tf did i find this channel so late?? these guys are the pinnacle of sarcasm

[@veinmire]

Unfortunately it's pretty much a dead channel. The stuff they make now doesn't even compare to this brilliance. But we can still enjoy what was. Kind of makes me wonder where the actors are now honestly.

[@henrylivingstone2971]

“If you cover the eyes, that’s where the innocence is!” 😂😂😂

[@stripedsweater520]

Lmfao now fast forward to 2023 when a US Gov staffer got caught filming a porn in a congressional room 🤣🤣🤣

[@VanessaMagick]

"This has been a difficult time for me, as I have been attacked for who I love to pursue a political agenda. While some of my actions in the past have shown poor judgement, I love my job and would never disrespect my workplace." Taking responsibility is for suckers, I guess.

[@ChimcharChris]

thats the "if google was a person" person

[@milascave2]

All kidding aside, most SM and swing locations to have a no camera no filming rule, unless stated otherwise.

[@eamon2please]

+comeonwtf That was way harsh, Tai.

[@nirvfan81]

OMG this is video gold! Sooo funny. We need to get this crew back together. Come on Onion owners, pump some budget back into this glorious IP.

[@void-creature]

The sepia tone bit at the end completely killed me

[@bobbyologun1517]

two brawny latinos OMFG 🤣

[@robertperry4439]

That is not me getting my bare ass spanked by my wife, it's my grandfather.

[@elliottkoschak6492]

"Diversity and multitasking"

[@tmass1]

"that's where the innocence is" she gets it

[@AmelpsXett]

When they interrupt each other and 4 people speak in 1 time it's a true sign of masterpiece.

[@sataricon111]

the good old days of the Onion. they are good now and live the movie review guy.

[@HeySalina]

Quite honestly, With the advent of onlyfans, This is actual, factual commentary. And I appreciate it.

[@msd7544]

Yeah, it’s 100% only a matter of time before a similar segment runs on network television! But at least, we here will know who did it first.

[@troystaunton254]

As a guy I am so happy that when I’m with a girl making only fans they mostly want to shoot POV. Or of course tie you up and blindfold and gag you. Unless my boss knows my colostomy bag scar or Willy shape I’m golden.

[@joelformica8344]

“Oh, and multitasking” OMFG

[@Bigsauce7593]

Lmao, but like this is kind of relevant now

[@fabriziocodari]

I love the implications of him putting on the rabbit mask right when they are cutting away

[@wademedlin6831]

These actors are so good.

[@taltico]

if people would be this honest and carefree, the world would be a better place

[@Darkrise714]

Damn it's almost been forever since we've seen these guys! Keep them coming! More Today Now segments too please!

[@aeiou1061]

Hi bro... You still there?

[@waluigihentailover6926]

You still alive?

[@magik97]

​@@waluigihentailover6926no, people only have a lifespan of 12 yrs

[@zestycomps882]

"no, it was a really good time for everybody"

[@user-dd6ng1wn1b]

11 years later, and still the funniest and most current stuff on the internet.

[@Malibooyahhh]

The onion is always so prophetic.

[@JABS991]

Fat Lady gets the best lines

[@da40128]

It's 2020 and it's time to start having these discussions.

[@draconariusking8328]

I would kill for the blooper reel🤣

[@kyotog777]

This hit different in 2021

[@sebastianwardana1527]

these questions are becoming increasingly relevant now... but with only fans... you might not have to worry about that... depending...

[@Prisoner]

I am not American and I just found out about these Onion videos. How can SNL videos still exist when they could just replace them with this?

[@stolensentience]

The last frame with the rabbit mask is just the cherry on top of this 2 minute masterpiece

[@kafkaesk3449]

Google is a advisor to Onion News Network?

[@killgoretrout877]

Only took 10 years for it not to be a joke

[@Derek_Wyld]

I died when the very last second was that dude randomly wearing the mask they bring up at the end lmfao 😂😂😂

[@yopajo]

" and multitasking"