What To Do If Your Parents Don’t Accept You

[@IsraelLlerena]

Honestly being gay and having homophobic parents has messed me up so bad. I’m still in the closet but hearing my dad say homophobic things towards the tv and using the derogatory terms when he sees gay people on tv has injured me in ways that maybe I don’t understand. He sometimes says “when you have a wife…” and stuff like that. My mom is an amazing person but when she saw gay stuff on my laptop like 8 years ago she threatened to tell my dad. She obviously has to know he’s homophobic so I denied everything and she started smiling. It’s honestly a huge mindfuck having parents be so nice to you and loving you when you know that they’d be grossed out if they ever knew who you truly are. There’s no way around this.

[@stephenbaka]

How is it turning out for you? I hope you're doing well

[@aurorapaisley7453]

Hey, I hope you're okay. It's a much worst experience compared to mine so please be strong

[@IsraelLlerena]

@@stephenbaka that’s so cool for you to ask after these months! Sorry I didn’t see your comment until now. Everything is basically the same. I mean I don’t really have any driving force to come out or anything so I just don’t. I guess my dad doesn’t outright say homophobic things out loud. If something is gay on tv, he just changes the channel and stuff like that. Sucks but I’d rather him change the channel then to start bashing on gay people.

[@IsraelLlerena]

@@aurorapaisley7453 thank you for the comment and for caring! Yeah I’m one of those that has it sorta worse than others. But I’m glad you seem to have gotten luckier. I genuinely think I would be such a freer and happy person if they just were never homophobic. My life would be so much different.But there’s no way to change that. Honestly I don’t even know how I’d come out to them if I ever decide to do it. But just the thought brings me anxiety so I usually never think about the details too much.

[@janvandenhooren9397]

@@IsraelLlerena stay safe 🙏

[@train_cam]

I believe it's very, Very important for parents to react in a proper and measured way to any surprising news and confessions their children reveal early on. If the reactions are too strong, too emotional, especially sensitive kids will become reluctant to share anything in the future. Parent-child connection and communication is so delicate and fragile to maintain. This has been my experience as a sensitive kid with two very neurotic, explosively emotional parents. I've developed a lifelong pattern of lying and withholding information from them.

[@shinobi_endure]

I agree with this so much. My parents tell me why don't I tell them anything. A huge part of the reason is they attached so much value to somethings I did that they ended up crying multiple times and it really hurt to see them crying. So now I just don't tell them shit anymore and handle it on my own.

[@love-ip7sz]

This happened to me... My mom caught me with a girl when I was young...then she dramatically asked if I was gay on the ride to school one day I said no. Then she ganged up against me with another relative to talk about how they are against lesbians but fine with gay guys. I do believe this contributed to why I stayed in the closet till my late twenties...

[@TaiwoTheProducer]

LOOOOL This concept is such a myth in an African and/or deeply religious home. But yes this is very true.

[@sclapple3192]

@@TaiwoTheProducer Yeah it just doesn't straight up exist. Like no matter how much you beg and cry in some families, some fathers will see you as soft for crying even though you are just pleading your case. Same with mothers but it really really is such a shame.

[@TaiwoTheProducer]

@@sclapple3192 yup!

[@reallivebluescat]

all these advice is put on the basis that you have a parent that is even open to have a conversation and is willing to listen. and not just disown you

[@Reed5016]

Yup.

[@Piflle]

Yupp

[@Shrooblord]

[@fictionsdiary]

Yup

[@ironwill2]

Disapointing that this isnt the default reality for all children with their parents

[@vulcanus7127]

My problem is that it always comes back to religion for my parents. "It's a sin." They can't be bothered to look at the material reality around them except for how it affects everyone's immortal souls.

[@rev.rachel]

The tragic thing is most religions that are like that have sects or at least smaller groups where people have figured out how to think theologically about queer people and come to a place where you can be both religious and queer, no asterisks. But so so many people are basically told by their (insert religious community type here) that deciding it’s not a sin requires ignoring the important parts of religion. And it doesn’t at all. 😢

[@bugjams]

Religion really is just a cult that's grown big enough to become commonplace. I'm all for people believing in little things to calm themselves and to help the world not seem so cruel. But I firmly believe religion as it is today, cannot be morally justified. We should believe in things to help calm us. It's fine to believe that everything will be okay, or that there is an afterlife, or that some force will guide you to a better life. However when these beliefs encroach on other people's happiness, that's when you've gone too far. The fact that most faiths even have rules and sins at all is sad. Faith should be able to convince people to do the right thing out of a sense of goodness, not out of fear of eternal punishment. All that does is make people paranoid and feel the need to enforce their beliefs on others.

[@spencerw1455]

@@bugjams You clearly do not understand most religions

[@carabinapacifista5627]

@@bugjams You are arguing that from the idea that everyone's method of obtaining happiness is equally valid. Religion establishes something that secularism will never accomplish by its own nature, the concept of objective morality. Objective right or wrong. Without it, good and bad are just opinions.

[@bugjams]

@@carabinapacifista5627 Really...? You can't imagine people agreeing to stuff like, "killing people is wrong" without religion? What about atheists then? Do you think they're all just amoral weirdos who only abide to the law out of fear of punishment? Your argument reads like you're implying people can't be moral without religion existing somewhere in the world, but I strongly disagree. Of course, we can't say for sure that a universe without religion would still function properly... we don't know of a universe like that. But I think it's silly to say we need religion to have objective morality.

[@FreeFromWar]

Unfortunately much of that denial from parents comes from the parents insecurities of their public image as well. Their child being trans is unacceptable to them because it would make THEM look bad. Religion/culture plays a big role here too.

[@Peanuts76]

Even as religious people myself, i understand some people struggle with their self image and sexualities, and judging them only bring more pain and resistance to them to the society he/she live...

[@Jenna_Talia]

Don't even know if that's the case for mine. It feels like they're perfectly supportive of every trans person on Earth but me. In reality I think they're just glad to throw trans people a bone so long as they don't have to deal with the ugly side of things. Like a kid crying over wanting a husky when they said "yuck" to all the fur everywhere and refused to pick up its shit. They trust every trans person they hear about, but when it comes to me it's suddenly that I'm brainwashed and talking to people online who've convinced me that I'm trans. Just not that I'm trans myself.

[@AymanAntri7]

So basically they only care about them leaves and never think about their children, yep sounds like 99% are exactly the same.

[@theoneeyedowl4182]

This is exactly my parents, especially my mom.

[@gloriouspurpose_]

I don't understand at all where it comes from but I'd try my best to work with my child, and raise them correctly

[@ew_umm]

This is an optimistic view on parents

[@bunk-o2495]

I was fine with my parents needing time to morn. I was not okay with them treating me as both victim and murderer, all the while.

[@KD-ou2np]

Honestly I think its pretty selfish to mourn at all. I think any parent has to already be aware that their child could be trans or is "different" in some way from a young age. They are mourning the fantasy they had about having a certain kind of son or daughter, and what that fantasy meant for them. But they should be happy that their child is figuring out who they are! They should love their child on a much deeper level than whatever the kids gender is.

[@АлександраГришина-с5р]

That's very powerful way of putting it to the words, I am sorry for your expirience

[@Jenna_Talia]

@@KD-ou2np yeah. To be honest any parent having aspirations to raise a child in a specific way kinda just needs to be slapped back into reality. That shit never works it's like trying to build a perpetual motion machine. The kid always grows up either dissatisfied with what the parent wanted, or they feel pressured into it despite wanting it anyways.

[@galev3955]

@@Jenna_Talia When in the history of ever has "slapping someone back into reality" worked? Because usually that is the same thing these parents think about their kids too. They are just delusional and need some "tought love" and they need to realize they are wrong. Even if someone is wrong or has built up a castle of delusions they will need time to mourn/dismantle it. Maybe it is not fair, but life is not fair and that is how human brains work. And obviously what OP said about how the parents treat the kid during that is important, but you can't expect people to function like robots and just flip an emotional switch and not it is all dandy. And the world will only become a better place if we have some compassion for each other, even and especially when they screw up. Because we will screw up too and then it will be nice to have some of it. It can be really hard, (and ofc if your family disowes you or abuses you, you don't owe them this compassion) but if you want to build a relationship with others, this is how it can be healthy.

[@miranda.cooper]

@@Jenna_TaliaMy mom has said her #1 goal was to "raise two Christian boys" Well guess what... she's raised 2 atheist children, one of whom is a girl :P Whoops

[@inplane9970]

For any closeted teens/adults out there, the best thing you can do is go out, meet more new people, and work on self improvement in some way. Whether it's at your workplace, on a dating app, at the gym, etc. The best solution is to remove yourself from a toxic environment as often as you can. My dad has threatened to kill my older brother and I if he found out either of us are anything but straight, but I know other people have it way worse with active physical abuse to boot.

[@meko98743]

Not sure it gets much worse than death threats. But yes, get away as soon as you can, and if you believe that threat was even 1% serious, contact an authority like a school counselor.

[@inplane9970]

@@meko98743 Parents calling the police on their own children and claiming "a stranger is in my home," persistent beatings, daily berating, the silent treatment, and overall general impediments to daily life that makes things very inconvenient (Confiscating the car, not including you in meals, stealing your money and going through your belongings, etc). I've seen all of these examples in some of my friends' home lives and it's awful. I'm just blessed I can actually somewhat be myself sometimes.

[@alexiscatnip2437]

His advice here, although reasonable, might be too optimistic for many of us.

[@skeletoninyourbody9896]

go out and what? get murked for being trans? i live in a conservative country, worst thing i can do to myself is make friends with people who want us dead. Sorry but i tried, all i experienced was abuse.

[@ItzTrickshotHD]

Bruh dating apps aint it period. At least write just want friends in bio at least if u dont want a terrible experience

[@Moose92411]

The segment on “what would change for you” is the part that makes the most impact for me. That’s how I got over my early life bigotry. I began being forced to explore WHY is wasn’t okay to me that people lived lifestyles that didn’t match my own, or my expectations. And I very quickly figured out that… it doesn’t matter to my life. Like… at all. In any way. That wouldn’t have (likely) happened without an approach based around questions, rather than attack or defense.

[@liptoncunningham6666]

I think it's important to understand the motivation behind why people act the way they do so you can adjust your behavior to minimize harm to yourself, and escape the situation, since you can't always influence the behavior of others, particularly if they have power over you. I'm going to share my story as a practical example of this. Keep in mind that despite my perspective being very negative of my parents, in their mind, they have been nothing but attentive and loving, but only in the way they know how, which is through religion and specific expectations. I'm NB and bi. I was born in the early 80's and I knew my identity from an early age, around 10/12 years old My parents are deeply religious immigrants, who come from a politically unstable country. They have only one concept of a safe and successful life. They're not able to imagine anything outside of it. There were threats of "sending me back" to a country I didn't know, at best, or killing me, at worst, if I didn't conform to their narrow expectations. This is bc of how they were raised. It's not an excuse, just an explanation. My dad was verbally, physically, and financially abusive so my mom had very little power to protect me. I realized early on, around middle school, that I couldn't change them and needed a stable plan to live on my own, and cut then off if needed. I had to finish college, and/or get a job that paid enough to cover all my expenses if I wanted to get away from the dehumanizing abuse and crushing expectations. I did well in school, finished college on a scholarship, got two jobs that allowed me to pay rent and secretly moved out. Some years later I married the love of my life. I didn't tell my family since they're entirely unaccepting. I've left out a lot of ups and downs throughout the process. I know this isn't possible for everyone, and that everyone's situation is different, but I wanted to share an IRL example of how this advice could be helpful for people going through similar stuff. Sometimes you just can't get the support you need from your family and you have to create a support network and boundaries for a happy and healthy life on your own

[@moonsnakesheddingskin]

Yes. So glad you made it out. 💚

[@liptoncunningham6666]

@@moonsnakesheddingskin Thank you kindly. Now that I'm in a better place and we're all a little older, I'm going to try to approach them with the curiosity and empathy he's mentioned. I also have a therapist who is helping me out along the way. It took a long time to create a network of support. If they react poorly I won't be suffering any consequences. I think what I'm trying to say is prioritize your physical safety first.

[@east_coastt]

@@liptoncunningham6666this is really interesting. Did it end up working out? Does having the support network make it easier, make their words less hurtful? Genuine question from someone in a situation not like yours but similar enough

[@celestehansen4056]

I saw this video title come up only a few hours after yet another nightmare of my family disowning me and throwing me out. It is a reoccurring nightmare and has been for almost a decade. I have 'come out' to my family many times over the years. I was 12 when i first tried to communicate that I wasn't a 'woman'. We didn't have as many labels back then, so I told them I was asexual, meaning it as both agender and asexual. I joked to my friends for years that I was just a genderless amoeba. My family has always been deeply religious and has fought me every step of the way. They wanted me to be their daughter, they told me all the standard religious reasons for why that was simply 'true'. Seeing as I was incapable of supporting myself, I stopped talking to them about my identity. Over the years, they have made their stance on homosexuality abundantly clear. So we fought when I was in my 20s and came home from my first Pride parade (having gone with my aunt, my mum's sister, who has been an out and proud lesbian for over 40 years) because of course I can't be biromantic, that's wrong. We fought when I asked my parents to respect my genderqueer identity and use They/Them pronouns for me - years later and my parents still refuse to refer to me as anything other than She/Her. We fought when I was 30 and I sat them down and ASKED THEM if they could treat a partner I would hypothetically bring home to introduce to them some day with the dignity afforded to a human being and they said NO. I still talk to my parents, but I have had to enact VERY strict boundaries for myself so I don't let them hurt me. I would love to share videos of one of my partner's kids playing with my goats, but doing that would only start even more arguments and proselytizing. My voice has dropped noticeably. My facial hair is coming in nicely. They still introduce me to people as their daughter. They still begin to tell me how I'm going to Hell for my sins whenever we're on the phone and they've had too much to drink. I have to hang up or physically remove myself from their presence when I visit because they refuse to honor my wishes or boundaries. Has there been improvement over the years? Yes. An intervention with my mother and I got my father to stop verbally and emotionally abusing me every say after I told them I was no longer of the same faith. But what has helped the most was moving out, not living with them, setting my own parameters of what makes for a healthy interaction with them. I do all that emotional labor. I have told them about it multiple times throughout the years. Their apologies rarely occur and do little to affect their actions. They are happy to support me in other ways, but they only want to accept and love a sliver of who I really am. Do I still love my family? Deeply. But I still suffer nightmares. I still grieve the amount of reparenting myself that I have to do. Loving people doesn't mean that they are right or that they know what they're talking about. While I think the message of this video is overall correct, it felt like a perspective that was coming from a level of privilege. It is obviously a topic close to home for me, and thus that may be why the video felt dismissive by the end. I had hoped that there might be more guidance on how to deal with a negative reaction, how to nurture oneself when forced to live in a hostile environment, or even how to reparent yourself and heal the wounds our families can inflict. A meditation for not internalizing negative reactions or not needing approval from others would have dovetailed nicely here. Thank you for sharing. I always find something useful to take away from these videos, and I deeply appreciate the work of everyone involved to create so much free content. I hope my critique is understood in the light of genuinely enjoying the insights offered and the community you all are building.

[@luxalarik3203]

@Axel Parents: *emotionally, verbally, religiously abusive* Some dumb*ss on the internet: “ah yes, fine people, get over it lol”

[@luxalarik3203]

My condolences for everything you’ve gone through. Thank you for sharing too.

[@yourbroskijack]

@Axel BRUH

[@Meraxes6]

What a beautiful comment. It sounds like you’ve been able to glean some wisdom from a shitty situation. Re-parenting yourself is a such an essential skill. I don’t know that I’d be as patient as you if my parents treated me like that. I agree that the video felt like a “part 1”. Maybe it was part of a longer conversation on stream, or maybe he’ll talk more about it more in other videos.

[@inksword6029]

Based family

[@Benton_]

I can tell this video will help so many people, LGBTQ+ or not. This is powerful. Thank you Dr. K for covering this topic.

[@mattb9664]

I think my parents know they fucked me up. There are so many things they did which led to the relationship we have now, which includes me living about 300 miles away from them. Too many things to list. Unnecessary spanking and very negative comments do get remembered throughout a lifetime. Excessively coddling my younger brother even now as he as a 38 year old. All I can say is I'll try my best not to make the same mistakes with my 6 yo daughter. My parents are probably the main reason why I had no interest in even having another kid.

[@wicked5999]

On the positive side, having had those bad experiences you might be able to give your own kids the treatment and upbringing they deserve! It's easier to be a more compassionate and understanding person when you've gone through a lot yourself, so at least you've got more knowledge in your pocket to make the people you care about happier!! :)) I'm sure you're a great parent

[@tnntlmmn277]

you probably shouldn't have had kids

[@honkhonk5181]

Our generation’s parents are deeply r e t a r d e d and clueless. Luckily they’ll be dying out soon. I’m sure you’ll do better with your daughter. At least considerably better.

[@frishter]

@@honkhonk5181 A generation that wants people unalive is not one that is progressive. This is my 2nd attempt at this post since my first one got shadow banned for some reason. Edit: Still seems invisible from public view.

[@honkhonk5181]

@@frishter I can see it

[@elian9286]

I feel like all kids and teenagers NEED to know about healthy gamer. He is making a really good job helping people who don't understand themselves and why things happen to them most of the time I watch all your videos, and I am grateful for your effort and love to all of us . :)

[@Peanuts76]

Dr K. It's like our friends man, back then people were suspicious that this channel are some sort cult or something, while the truth is, many people feel helped with all the topics dr K brings here....

[@elian9286]

Yeah. And also. It's the first step. I made a huge change in my life after their videos. And now while I work most of the time I have fun just hearing the topics of Dr. K Truly helped me for knowing what am I. What I want. And what changes are necessary for me to improve. 😁😁

[@vivianvu5251]

Chosen family is precious.

[@henekii]

I found out yesterday that one of my college classmates also watches you, Dr. K. You bring so many people together.

[@VtuberTheory]

This video was great, but I’d love if you’d discuss religion specifically. That’s one of, if not THE biggest hurdle for the LGBTQ+ community when coming out to their parents. Some parents have deeply ingrained beliefs that they’ve held since small children. You can give your condolences for folks whose parents tell them they’ll burn in hell, but there’s got to be something they can do. I think religion deserves its own video because facts and figures stop mattering. Logic stops mattering. No matter what sound arguments you provide, they can be dismissed on a whim by simple belief. This is because many religions encourage absolute faith and fealty, no matter what makes actual sense. The strategies in this video will work sometimes. However, when you start asking even neutral questions, some people get very upset and angry when it challenges their beliefs. Stumping people makes them feel like they lost an argument and can just make them dig their heels in more. I’ve heard from other educators that people like this are a lost cause, but I guess I’m too much of an optimist and like to think there’s something that can be done. Is there really no way to communicate with people who won’t come to the table?

[@Steroid_Legend]

He does have a video about religious parents, which gives similar advice about listening to them about why they hold on to those beleifs and what they have done for them. He gives an example of a parent who found relief in a particular religion after some traumatic stuff for example. As much of a brick wall as some people are, there are tactics that begin with being a great genuine listener trying to understand, and asking the right questions, and those wall will begin breaking down. I reccommend checking out the book 'Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone' by Mark Goulston. That guy was a hostage negotiator, proffesional negotiator, and consultant. Great Stuff. The only people he really says aren't worth trying with are actual narcisists, which there are still things to do to preserve your sanity or manipulate them.

[@bsballlord]

@@Steroid_Legend I think the big flaws with both of these videos (have not checked the books so won't comment on those) is that it assumes the parents want a healthy 2 way dialogue. I've dealt with my own family and assisted people with theirs and the outright rejection people have when you want to trade dialogue instead of just listening can become outright violent and its not safe for so many people to even try.

[@АлександраГришина-с5р]

I like your too much of optimist view, I think it's beautiful :)

[@galev3955]

@@bsballlord Yeah, I think that is a sad reality, that for some (many) people it is just not safe. A lot of this is very case-by-case, which he does acknowledge at the beginning, but it might be worth getting into more detail on that. Like how to deal with the situation when your family is outright hostile.

[@akeem2983]

WARNING: I'm not a psychologist or sociologist, all of the following is not proven by any means, so correct me please if I'm wrong somewhere down there I actually don't think that religion is a big factor here because every, and I mean, every single human - religious or not - has a strong sort of a psycho|gical protection for their beliefs. This protection helps us a lot, but sometimes it does introduce problems. I'm not a religious person, but for me it also could be very, very hard to change my views even if the actual scientific facts are placed against them. Such changes always do take time and work to be done

[@kikitauer]

Gender and sexuality is not a choice in contrast to education or career. I would like to say it very loudly. I am what is called late-bloomer lesbian. I was lying to myself for 42 years. I was in relationships with men and I tried VERY hard to choose to be bisexual and it just didn't work. Also I changed my career multiple times and didn't even break a sweat.

[@laner.845]

*hugs* I'm coming out as trans in my late 40s so yeah, it's a whole different set of struggles than teens deal with. Not better or worse, just different.

[@bufficliff8978]

Honestly it IS also a choice, and most people choose. Few people don't choose. Thinking it's not a choice is being misinformed from political ideas of the 90's. Normies might not choose but the LGBT+ community understands that we can and do choose, and those choices are encouraged. We're not in the 90's anymore

[@kikitauer]

@@bufficliff8978 I have no idea what you are talking about. What political ideas from 90.? Who are normies? What choices are you talking about?

[@DEATHFATIGUE]

Thanks so much for going over this, it will definitely help many people.

[@hotpawsmathsandscience3124]

Dr. K: "Don't get too attached to labels, especially if you're a teen." Comments: "OMG HE'S FORCING CHILDREN TO TRANS!!!"

[@alienswillcomeAWC]

So many people who just saw the thumbnail and got pissed 🙄

[@LFanimes333]

K literally endorsed three years old having gender issues and talked about it as something normal. He’s usually a brilliant person, don’t get me wrong, but this video really wasn’t it.

[@thekalenichannel1812]

​@@LFanimes333he never said its normal or common, he said it happens and those kids should be allowed to express themsleves. Doesn't mean you have to do anything medical, just let the child assert themsleves and figure it out

[@Yeatologist]

It's wild how youll leave a comment like this, then get disproven in a reply, and never admit fault. @@LFanimes333

[@Impractical-girl]

​@@LFanimes333> anime pfp = opinion invalid

[@momoso143]

I’m going through this now with my Muslim father, and I am starting to resent how much he has controlled my life, I want to be free.

[@WolvenUA]

I feel like my biggest issue with trying to have conversations like these with my parents isn't having the ability to try and understand them but that because they are my parents/guardians/etc. that I'm not viewed to be on the same playing field as them. They have preconceived notions about being wiser or that I'm delusional, etc. and they know how to even just learn which things are correct better than I do. So even trying to understand what they are losing and how this is needed for me has them dismissing me as just being wrong and young, despite the fact I'm a young adult living completely on her own.

[@onigirls]

I think this is very helpful but to anyone reading I want to acknowledge that this process.. kinda sucks. I'm partially out as bi and it sucks that we have to take insults and abuse and respond to it with nothing but the understanding, maturity and openmindedness the people in our family will never give us first. I know they are products of their time but having to be the bigger person and to in a way I guess coddle them all the time is so exhausting. I'm so glad my mom kind of accepted me before she passed unexpectedly but it took so much work and some part of me is still hurt that I had to explain and teach and forgive and accept and deal with all the awful things people in my family said/did/still say and do. So if you're reading this and you feel like this sucks and we deserve better.. yeah! I'm sorry you gotta go through that :( For myself I figured out that not everyone deserves my explanation and time and understanding and that not everyone would be able to accept me as I am, so most of my family still doesn't know about my sexuality or beliefs or lack of religion. It's just easier that way and it doesn't really hurt. Don't wanna have "the talk" with grandma :')

[@tim_-hd8vs]

exactly what I felt like was missing a bit in the video.

[@fridaluna7259]

It’s scary the timing on this video as I’m just hours away from going back with my parents for the holidays and don’t know what to expect on how they have been processing me coming out to them as a trans woman a few weeks ago, and haven’t seen or talked to them since.

[@kakefisk]

Just...remember to breathe as best you can, and keep going. You got this. We believe in you.

[@sclapple3192]

If shit gets bad just remember that you are a grown adult and it is your decision to do something like this. Hear what they have to say and go "cool that you feel that way" or things like that. Goog luck

[@daizenmarcurio]

Yo just a genuine question, just wanted to know what made you feel likr you wanted to be trans? Id really like to learn more about this stuff, sorry if i made you feel uncomfortable

[@josharrow1111]

it begins with accepting YOURSELF first. No matter what you try and feel you’ll never be a woman. mutilating yourself won’t make it happen either.

[@MidnightEkaki]

@@daizenmarcurio people dont want to be trans, no one would want to be trans because its a very difficult thing to live with. We just want to be ourselves, and who we are is different from what people see on the outside. Gender identity is something you just feel, its hard to describe feeling like you were born with the wrong body if you havent experienced it.

[@ulyssemartinfrigault1021]

You do make some good points. I think this is the type of video that needs to be two parts. This is focuwes on parents and pre-conceived notions, which is true and makes sense. But at the same time, being trans is really hard sometimes and the first hurdle for many these days is telling your parents. I was not upset or shocked when I figured myself out, but it took me three years of patching myself up to tell my dad. Three years of playing and replaying this scene in my head. Despite my father being very religious, he took it very well. I remeber her used to have weirdly transphobic views- and I say weird because I remeber him saying "trans people are mutilating their bodies and god gave us these bodies." And I spoke about how some trans people will literally commit s*icide because of the dysphoria. And then he said "when that person gets to heaven they can ask for the body they want." What's the difference between medically transitioning and asking God in heaven for a new body? Anyway he doesnt think that anymore. Point is: my father took it in stride. He was calm and made sure to use his inside voice. Sometimes he said stuff, and I cut him off because I needed him to understand some things and he took it well. I'm eternally grateful for that. I am not my dead name, and I am not his daughter, just his child. That's what I truly needed him to understand and he's getting there. My mom on the other hand is incredibly toxic. She takes my coming out as an insult to her, and me changing my name is disrespectful to her. She says that I was not baptized with the name Ulysse, that it's a man's name and that it's nit a real name so I cant use it. Then she later said she had an uncle named Ulysse and that it was too manly for me since I'm noon-binary and not a man. She contradicts herself constantly. Anyway, I think maybe there should be a video like this from the trans persons eyes.

[@DrummerGhisi]

I agree with the two parts take, mostly i think that while parent sure need their time to mourn the "death" of an image of their own making (i have my opinions about that), posing like their hardships are unsurmountable is problematic, i don't like when parents act like they are a victim of their child's transness and ignore the fact that going through the process of gender questioning and then transition is a enormous, several years long task that will probably involve a lot of suffering from inside and from outside because of discrimination. I would expect parents to come to terms with that, understand that their child will suffer much more then themselves and try to be a positive influence on their child's life and hopefully make the suffering smaller. However what I see (my case included) are parents stuck in the mourning stage and refusing to move on or support their child through their struggle, I came out to my family over a year ago qnd yesterday I had an argument over pronouns because they still can't get it right and they try to agressively defend their side because "it's too hard it's been to little time"

[@skeletoninyourbody9896]

I love your name, I never heard of it before and it's really beautiful

[@ems7623]

I'm sad to read your story, but also impressed with your inner strength and fortitude. I'm struck by how much the stories of young trans people today resemble those of gay men and lesbians (like myself) one generation ago. The trans people around me when i was just fresh out of the closet were different. I don't think i really understood at that age the full extent of what they were going through. (I was quite young and immature!). Sure, they had acceptance and friendship among us LGBT people. But coming out as trans then was pretty much not an option. The existence of "transsexual" people in mainstream society was reduced to sex change stories on sensationalist daytime talk shows or movie scenes representing street prostitution. But the trans people i met were always very, very disconnected from society and their families. If there were exceptions to this rule, i never met them. I realize now that that is what it must have been like for the generation of gay men before me - just as trans people are only now having the kind of coming out experiences that I had as a gay man back then in the 90s. In other words, trans-acceptance seems to be one generation behind acceptance of homosexuality. I'm telling you this because years later it taught me something important about the coming out experience. Being able to come out at all is a sign of social progress - even if the reactions are negative or mixed. It's a sign that things have already gotten better. It's an opportunity to build good, healthy and open relationships with your family and friends - an opportunity to have a life that isn't completely severed from your family and other non-queer people. Yes, it takes work - and there's pain along the way - and that's really damn unfair. But if i could show you how much the people around me have transformed in 30 years, you would be shocked. I am confident the same will be true for you.

[@ulyssemartinfrigault1021]

@@skeletoninyourbody9896 thank you!! The english version is Ulysses.

[@corydidit2879]

I myself agree, but I think this one is too trans. The pressure my parents are putting upon my life is difficult for me, as I want to do my own thing, and it is a different thing, and it does deserve 2 videos. I wish everyone here luck with their individual situation.

[@alexp.4270]

I am seeing some people are misinterpreting the idea of being considerate of your parents' position as meaning all the responsibility is on the child. Fact is, there are typically reasons people don't treat others nice, and it isn't always because they are evil. Doesn't mean the parents get a free pass if they are being abusive, or that they even ever deserve to talk to you again if they are. It is just a way to help you come to conflict resolution with someone who is making your life harder. You have to meet them half way if you want them to meet you there as well. If you display that effort, and they don't, then fuck em.

[@jodiejodiejodie]

Shout out to the trans homies in the community- the recent surge in anti-trans legislation has been so discouraging and upsetting. You don't deserve to be subjected to any of the harmful laws the government is pushing for. Please don't lose hope and keep taking care of your wonderful selves, there are lots of people even in this community that are rooting for you and wishing you the best and are so proud about everything you've already accomplished

[@HaHa-gg9dl]

Yes but allah said it is not right they should sholat

[@dragonslayer101]

Ya. Thank you.^^✊️🏳️‍⚧️

[@lazekozuya]

thank u for your support

[@rohanking12able]

Wait what legislation

[@omnissiah7247]

@@rohanking12able I thought of the same thing. What are these anti-trans legislations? It's an honest question, I've heard of no such things.

[@emisunflowers]

I wish this had been possible with my parents but they were completely unwilling to listen to me or understand my experiences. To this day, nearly 3 years later they have begrudgingly accepted that this is the way things are, not accepting me for who I am but performatively trying to do just enough for me to not cut them off. It's very painful and has made me feel unable to connect with them and feel anxious and afraid around them. I hope this can change one day. I am considering writing them a letter with my feelings about this.

[@peno4092]

Fr tho, just watching 3 of his vids changed me so much. I really appreciate the things you do Dr. K

[@ajlucky0076]

I think 100 years from now (if we are even still alive at that point) disowning your children because they are trans will be like how we viewed the salam witch trials. "How were we so dumb back then?"

[@TempTablet-p1i]

@ajlucky0076 This is the thing. Times change. Trans is the new gay. People used to hate homosexuality, anti-gay laws, and like transphobes - the only argument they have is that "it's not normal." Or "delusional" The fact is that the whole mentality about anti-gay, anti-trans people is that they don't understand it. It's bigotry. When black people got rights and got to go places where they weren't allowed to before. Then white people felt attacked, confused, and, like now, all of a sudden, there are so many diverse people.. They existed before, they were just not allowed to go to most places. Or they were in closet. It's the same situation. Gays, blacks, transgender people, females, asians etc are now normalized and play major roles - and society learned to understand them. That's the bigoted mindset. I'd type more, I just have to go. Bye. Thanks for reading all of this if you did.

[@BubblegumKoi]

I hope so lol

[@jackgreenearth452]

Or half the world will be extremist muslims

[@stefang4119]

Holy fuck finally, I've been waiting for something related to this topic by HGG! Preciate it.

[@justbradley5930]

Had a long distance relationship that got stopped by her parents. She was going to travel to the UK to study but now it's not happening. 17 months of knowing someone and talking every day all to stop within a couple of weeks. The girl wanted her parents approval all her life and wanted their trust. She's been controlled from a very young age and even now she's still being controlled and will be for a very long time.

[@suppe3267]

how old is she? And how old are you?

[@username-userr]

im so sorry.

[@inksword6029]

Ok groomer

[@VanillaTried]

@@inksword6029 ??

[@justbradley5930]

@@inksword6029 ??

[@JackofAllSpadess]

I'm terrified of coming out to my parents. They've never threatened harm, used homophobic slurs or been violent. In many ways, I have had great parents who raised me well. But I'm gay. They're evangelical Christian (as I still am as well despite everything) and are expressly against the "homosexual lifestyle". My mother believes it's nothing beyond a deviant fetish. The reason I am terrified to come out to them is because I love them. I respect and love them for raising me and sacrificing so much. I would say my relationship with them is great. Not perfect, but good. They're not perfect, I'm not perfect. In many ways I don't believe if I came out to them they'd shun me. But I feel like the emotional anguish would crush them. I came out to my sister and she cried. She still cries and regularly tries to talk me down from who I am. It didn't give me much confidence in coming out to the parents... I'm really just ranting at this point. My family means so much to me and I'm terrified of losing them somehow. I want to come out to them. Want to tell them about the boy I met that I'm currently dating. I just want them to stay in my life and not worry their son is going to hell. Not assume I've been brainwashed or groomed when in reality everything I've experienced in life should have ensured I never found out I was gay (growing up in the church, regular church activities, only ever had friends who were also a part of the religion ect.). It seems hopeless..

[@kurapikakurta1997]

I’m in a similar situation, I’m planning to go non-contact with them when I move out to ease the pain of not being accepted if I come out. Although, I am very attached to both of my parents and so is my sister, who I’m planning to come out to later this year. With the knowledge of her knowing this in mind, I’m afraid she might tell my parents about it. They’ve never really been that transphobic (like haven’t said any slurs or any of that) but they’ve always really disrespected trans people we know. This leaves me in more of an advantage, as if I slowly introduce them to lgbt+ media, I might be able to make them less transphobic and eventually tell them I feel like more of a man. I’ve always sort of known, but as I get closer to realising I have to come out someday, I get more in denial. Hope you get out to your situation eventually buddy.

[@xxCrapNamexx]

With some people the walls they set up around them mean that reaching out may be a harder struggle. From what you've wrote, it seems like it's more likely to be a positive outcome. If your sister is like you then she's worried about hurting your folks like you are. All this is just worse case scenario thinking. What if they're cool with it. What if you brought a partner home with you and you had to do small talk with your mum like in that scene in goodfellas? What if that happens?

[@wnabi8469]

i fucking swear he just knows our thoughts

[@InsertMyChineseUsername]

he is just a mind reader

[@Queizar_X]

No he doesn't know my thoughts at all. He got wrong many things. Never speak for me ever again.

[@sfglim5341]

@@Queizar_X LMAO

[@wicked5999]

Don't swore

[@dakota5569]

Just another human like you

[@Kaeinlya]

Now do one for people who know they are going to be disowned. How do we deal with that?

[@inksword6029]

Provide for yourself

[@bugjams]

You contact social services or the police. If your parents are disowning you out of some petty bigotry then they should be able to step in and help.

[@eudaimonia__]

Save up enough to be able to provide for yourself. Take care of your safety first and then move away.

[@Kaeinlya]

@@eudaimonia__ I am away already. I'm not here for financial advice.

[@LFanimes333]

@@bugjams Lmao What a New Yorker mindset

[@dakota5569]

I try my hardest to abolish labels unless I believe they fit very well (or are who I want to be). All they are is a limitation on yourself, I'd rather live more ambiguously and use them as guides, not fact

[@fsihfhsifihsfshifhis]

What if your parents' reasoning is that you're committing a sin and your soul will rot in hell for eternity if you don't get back in the box? (I'm not trolling, this is genuinely my friend's situation)

[@nineinchthread]

Ya...I know the feeling my advice is to try to be safe and do what you can to help them out of the situation as I don't know what else to say

[@luum8573]

At minute 09:05 he gives an example of how to get them understand. I would try to convey it in "me messages" (I feel sad/I feel anxious) and try to explain to them how a certain part of religion makes him feel. Also understand that the conversation can be slow and that their acceptance may come delayed. Also like Dr K says you should ask lots of questions back to understand their view point, it will also lead to exposure of ignorance. If you seriously fear that his parents may exclude him from family life (I haven't experienced it before but heard about it), then I suggest making plans in advance in case he gets kicked out. Where he can stay, if his country is providing benefits and how to apply for them, gather support in advance by his school, possibly a lawyer, institutions etc.Also try to copy necessary documents before hand in case you need them for legal matters or medical care. Also, if they are stubborn beyond any reasonable discussion, look out for a neutral mediator, if problems are religious avoid other strictly religious mediators because then you have to talk up against 3 people instead of 2.

[@Emily-i9s3g]

My mom has been in denial for the past year, anytime i talk about it she tells me that when she was younger she wasn't sure what she wanted to do with her life.

[@Ara_Ara_Arakata]

I am trans (MTF) i live in Uruguay in my family's house since I'm currently unemployed although i have some studies and i am currently studying gastronomy i haven't found a job yet, i told my family when i was 15, they said a bunch of horrible things, I've been dressing up as a woman inside my house often and during 2-3 years i went out to the streets like that until my family gave me an ultimatum to stop going out dressed as a woman or they would kick me out of the house, im 22 by now and my family hasn't changed at all every time we spoke about this it gets worse they constantly live on fear a gang of people would be waiting to maul me to death, they don't want me to go out dressed like a woman and even very subtle things almost unisex things are received very badly, they just want me to be a man for everyone except my future partner not wanting to understand a thing, that it's not a fetish, it's not just cross dressing. The most blood boiling detail is that my father came out as gay when i was 8 and he has been the most judgemental and who is the most narrow minded. I have friends who accept me and my own experience most people don't even care about what you identify as and in general very supportive or just indifferent I've never have had a negative experience not even people looking me in bad way except from my family. Rn i only hope to get a job to pay bills and move out and live my life as the queen i am.

[@inksword6029]

You are a cross dressing man

[@Ozhar1]

Omg, good luck! I'm rooting for you (◕ᴗ◕✿)

[@bigjimbo2843]

I think you will make it! Hang in there

[@user-wi3yx3gy2o]

One thing I think is hard to understand is that people, like parents, need to actually come to the realization that their own experiences and the experiences of people they do understand are not necessarily going to be very informative of the experience of a child or peer who may be bi, trans, or gay. Like for example they might relate questioning gender or sexuality to questioning things for which choice is a much bigger factor, for which the social pressure to conform to one option or the other is not there, and for which learning it by doing it is a good way to figure out whether you want it or not. Finally, people, in trying to make sense of things we are unfamiliar with, try to apply an existing worldview which might not completely make sense, but also might have served an important purpose for them so far.

[@eudaimonia__]

I never really liked labels myself. I know I am not straight but I don't really care what my label is, if someone asks I just say I like humans. Also I've recently told my very Indian parents I'm not going to be a doctor. They really don't trust me right now and think that this decision is reckless (apparantly for them I've had a history of reckless decisions when all I've done is listen to them) after preparing for medical entrance test. But I know I don't want to go through med school. It's hell, it hurts seeing their sad faces and taunts but I can't really do anything. Their words are making me think that I'm truly making a wrong decision but I just want to take accountability and even if I fail in my new career path, it's on me. Actually the worst thing is they've always trusted me and had me make my own decisions, they've took good care of me so it just hurts to betray that level of trust. I've always been the "good kid" I've listened to them always. But I just can't anymore. Sometimes I just wish I failed at school and was rebellious early on. I don't want to go to med school. I wish I could force myself into it to make them happy but I just can't. I've been called self centred, selfish and what not but I just can't. I really don't want to hate my parents.

[@TheVeryAngryShrimp]

I'm somebody who had to make a compromise with regards to my gender identity. I used to be a trans man and yet I knew 100% that my family would not take it very well. I have a very small immediate family with most of the members on the aging side. I know a lot of people would cut off ties to unsupportive family, but my mother, who would not and will never see me as anything except her daughter, still went through hell and back just to financially support me and nourish my other interests. Of course, this hurt a lot. It was dysphoric. The dysphoria itself was mentally painful so I managed the best ways I could think of. Therapy, exercise, eating right, meditation and other practices/rituals that spiritually anchored me and supported my gender identity (I still ID as on the trans-masculine side of things, so I'm some flavor of nonbinary). In the long run, despite it being painful, I'm glad it happened because I still got to manage the dysphoria as best as I could while maintaining a relationship with my family. Is it what I want? Not really, I really want to transition, but I love my family more than the world. I know other people who have it worse and who have it better than me, so YMMV with this sort of topic.

[@sleepieste]

what does YMMV mean?

[@SuperLotus]

@@sleepieste google it?

[@syladelaney600]

@@sleepieste it means "your mileage may vary"

[@armintargaryen9216]

@@SuperLotus answer or don't comment?

[@SuperLotus]

@@armintargaryen9216 Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he feeds for a lifetime 😉 (I guess if you're on mobile it's harder, but on PC opening up a tab and googling is much quicker and saves everyone time) 🌠The more you know...

[@hotwheelz20072]

I know this comment section is largely focused on people who are in the LGBTQ community coming out but just trying to break away from my parents religion even as a straight person is so anxiety inducing when I think about it. I can’t imagine that extra layer of complexity. I wish dr. K would address more on how to leave a religion. The problem that I’m having is that it feels like the answer to any questions I ask my parents about what they think will happen to me if I leave is that I’ll go to hell. Kinda hard to help them past that hurdle.

[@vemaray8305]

My issue was that they refuse to listen, and I would get yelled at if I tried to have a normal conversation. They told me that I have ruined their life and that even the death of my grandparents wasn’t even as painful to them as me coming out as trans. Both told me that if I continue down this route, I will not longer be a part of the family. I would much rather go no contact then have to withstand more verbal abuse.

[@pink1536]

Thank you so much for this video I'm in the same exact situation

[@dreambrush7251]

sadly from my experience, if the parents aren't questioning at first and are going ahead with whatever believes they have, they are harder to convince that gender identity (or anything lgbt related) is not "bad". In my case, parents were accepting of my sexuality because they actually see that me dating the same sex doesn't hurt anyone and makes me happy. However, I briefly hanged out with a woman in her 40s and wanted me to meet her nonbinary 13 year old kid and when I asked the kids' pronouns, she basically got serious with me and was like "i told you not to bring up her (they're afab) mental illness in front of her, she saw the tiktoks and now she's convinced that she doesn't want to be a woman at all and wants to mutilate her body, this is how it was with anorexia 10-20 years ago, they see magazines and want to emulate that to get attention". The woman even proceeded to be like "I'm sorry, I know you're LGBT but your values are not normal" or something like that wtf. This is bordering on child abuse and I actually tried to go heads on with this person and confront their beliefs and she's just stuck in this heteronormative mindset that lgbt stuff should absolutely not touch the kids' minds.

[@aidenmoro7583]

Ever since I came out as trans my parents have been against it because of their religious beliefs. When I got more serious about my transition they got more serious with Christianity, and things just kept getting worse and worse and we continue to clash. It went from, “we need time to process,” to “youll never be a real man why would you want to have a life like this.” It’s not a fucking decision it’s a necessity.

[@itsprobablym3509]

I've really been hoping you'd cover something like this because it can really help me

[@lastround2357]

thank you Dr K i needed this

[@lnnm0430]

I've been going through exactly this for the last year, but regarding my studies. After a lot of talking, arguing, establishing and inforcing boundaries and finding something I like to do, my parents have kinda accepted it.

[@TheDarkPatito]

... i think i'll talk with my parents about my career. they are proud about what i studied, but i'm not really comfortable doing it the rest of my life

[@chuckleberrypi]

good video, but i really dislike the whole "mourning process" idea. I'm not dead, my parents never let the real me live i do agree you have to be careful. just being pragmatic about money. if a person doesn't have financial independence from their parents AND they're unsure of the parent's reaction, maybe hiding is safest

[@Leo-sn5jm]

This is funny to watch as a trans man because testosterone shots actually did fix my problems haha (jokes aside, great video)

[@a-ju7464]

I thought he was talking about trans men at the start because I was not paying attention, and was confused about him saying “testosterone will fix your problem”. I was like “that’s the point isn’t it”

[@Shannendetro]

They will resurface

[@Leo-sn5jm]

@@Shannendetro didn’t ask!

[@username-userr]

@@Shannendetro no bitches

[@Shannendetro]

@Leo what does that change?

[@SekaiSuperstar]

My family is in my opinion a massive roadblock in my attempts to transition because I once took 1 over the counter supplement serving of "hormones" (they didn't even bother looking up what I took even was) and immediately stole them, called the police and tried to have me arrested for illegal drug usage. Needless to say, to parents of trans and even queer children, PLEASE LISTEN TO YOUR KIDS! YOU DON'T GET TO SAY WHO THEY ARE! I understand if there's a disagreement on things but if your child is over 18+, baby they're free to make any decision they want without your approval. And they don't deserve to be shamed and made to feel less than, especially if you claim you love them unconditionally.

[@shadowstar727]

could not have came at a better time, thank you so much

[@inksword6029]

YWNBAW

[@bigbingus64]

@@inksword6029 touch grass, weirdo

[@EAC168]

I think the thing with parents mourning is that they are mourning their own projections, not their actual child, which makes it hard for the kids. They need to process that on their own and keep it away from the kids

[@neodymus]

I can relate and i'm not trans or anything. I didn't take drugs, i didn't change religion. I "only" change my career path. Jeez

[@vivianriver6450]

Your parents gave you many career choices: A) Physician B) Lawyer C) Engineer D) Disgrace to your family. Amirite?

[@neodymus]

@@vivianriver6450 i chose furry hentai artist. (jk)

[@Jen_TheSnail]

Yeah.. i might be homeless soon cause my whole family is extremely against it and they say in a few months ill be out of the house.. wish me luck yall ✌ 😅

[@TheReoccurringDecimals]

Mom mother never cared or understood when I told her at age 12. Now I’m 26 and suicidal so she choose a dead son over an alive daughter. I’m not doing this for the rest of my life!

[@TheReoccurringDecimals]

Now she just says something is wrong with my brain lol

[@Milica7299]

I don't understand why children/teenagers need to be parents to their parents and have a parenting approach when it is supposed to be the other way around. I mean, good toolkit, Dr K, but I would rather wait till I am on my own, and who wants to accept how the world is, great, who doesn't, too bad... And how the world is - we have lgbt people in it, wow mindblowing.

[@Deivid-bn6yw]

What if your parents straight up deny your existence? I’m bi, came out to my mom and it’s straight up like it never happened. Her initial reaction was very negative, then after some words with my stepdad she said she’s “fine” with it but it’s never even been brought up in convo ever since and she still pushes for me to get a girlfriend specifically and only talks about girls

[@Gladuos1]

Hope things are going good for you now. Bi erasure is real. My guess is she was hoping she could put you "back in the box", as Dr K said it, by appealing to the part of you that still fit in that box. God Bless.

[@davefisher1840]

This was very helpful! Thanks for posting! 😊

[@aidenmoro7583]

This video is amazing, it has such great insight on what I experience as ftm. I mean spot tf on. We are starting family therapy I hope to use things you’ve mentioned. I’ve been out for 2 years, but there hasn’t been much progress. I was just as Christian and everything phobic like them as a child, it took me years to get over it.

[@voicelessgirl4620]

just came out to my mom, she said i was confused and she was concerned. now to wait to see what she does.

[@fatlenny9361]

I think its about time i got some help. Over the past year ive managed to salvage my life in a way where i feel safe. went from 120 to 160 lbs from the time i moved away from my unfavorable life conditions, and even after bringing myself to a level where i feel healthy i still feel as if i suffer from trauma and a uncertainty with my emotions and memories. ive tried to do it on my own for a very long time, through videos like this and people like theramintrees. But i feel a sense of lack of understanding as to where this unhappiness lies in my mental state. its time, thanks for all the tips

[@chilanya]

I hope you find the help you need.

[@simonjuliette7053]

I feel like this video is actually about "How to try to get your parents to accept you." Well what if they don't? What to do then if communication doesn't work? Do i mourn my relationship with my parents?

[@jakejones4966]

Thank you so much for taking a clear stance in favor and accepting the reality of trans people. This content is so healing x

[@moonsnakesheddingskin]

Wave Race 64 voiceover: "You almost had it!"

[@franacha]

Sometimes my mind tortures me with visions of having a son. And I think to myself: "how could I talk to him about talking to girls, what advice could I possibly give" But then reality kicks in, I will never have a son because I can't talk to girls myself. Nor do I have any sort of sexual energy or even desire whatsoever.

[@muttlanguages3912]

I'm 46 and still never told my parents that I'm atheist. At this point I just don't care if they know

[@not_nochill]

Holy shit I couldn't agree with you more, most young people need to get a grip and understand that not everything needs a label, this just leads to confusion and blunt ignorance.

[@yes-yes8632]

11:34 I burst out laughing Much love

[@shadowsta9]

SAME😂

[@Jayy1K.]

i wish i would have heard this when i was 17 and my dad didnt agree with my life choices and i know he just wanted the best for me but i never felt support from him.

[@BEE-rg4ts]

I did this and I got kicked out

[@moraletherapy]

oh :(

[@Pozibly0706]

Move out never talk to mom again at least thats my plan Btw im not trans or anything my mom just hates my guts

[@arowace498]

I kinda disagree and agree with one issue you brought up: this caution about labeling yourself too early. on one hand I think we can just let ourselves be without labels and just be queer. on the other hand the supposed "danger" argument people give for not labeling yourself is "you might change your mind/might discover something else about yourself and have mislabeled yourself for years!!"... so thats a bad thing? there's just an unchallenged assumption there that if you go on with a queer label that you end up changing your mind on that thats a bad thing. with another underlying assumption that not having a queer label while you figure things out is not harmful. I don't think either of those assumptions are 100% true. besides that there's a reason that LGBT identities have all banded together and have a community, its that we aren't so different. so mislable yourself. learn to connect with another part of your community and figure yourself out in your own winding way. I think this will actually break down these stiff labels that people have been gravitating towards for years. and if you don't end up being LGBT in the end there isn't any harm in learning about yourself more in queer communities. Everyone's queer in their own way, and anyone can be apart of the community even if you're cishet.

[@moonsnakesheddingskin]

💚

[@cs5384]

The stories I see break my heart. I try to be supportive of the young people (and even not-so-young people) in the support groups. When my son came talked to me when he was 12 I didn't have to "come to terms". I didn't grieve the "daughter I lost", I took him underwear shopping and we celebrated with dinner. I am supportive of my kids, and not just that I'm proud of them. My son is trans and funny and asexual and witty and autistic and an amazing artist and has PTSD from a horrific tragedy he experienced at a very young age and he's compassionate. He's all around a great kid and the only problem I have is with the people who want to hurt my son because they can't handle people who aren't within their approved standard. It makes me really angry that we live in a state that is led by religious conservatives who do their very best to shame people like my son. Not just for being trans. Oh no, our governor is buddies with a pastor who says autistic children are really just demon possessed!

[@null4633]

So you let your 12 year old succumb to childhood dreams? Oh how this world has fallen.

[@alienswillcomeAWC]

Beautiful comment ❤️

[@APairOfOldSkoolVans]

Thank you so much bro for that video

[@wenki]

I actually needed this today, thank you ☺️☺️

[@inksword6029]

YWNBAW

[@cl-pt6cv]

@@inksword6029 Based

[@patatesa]

this is also something I talk with my therapist, as well. the mourning and the shock they get after hearing about me being a trans man. I totally get it, I totally get their perspective. but I will never forgive them for all the abuse they have done to me because of it. if my parents were open minded, that would work as you say. but it doesn't work here like that. there is always violence. and I hopefully will cut ties with them when I am finally independent. nice video.

[@blyth0415]

Thank you Dr. K. for this video, I always see it after my parents are transphobic, it makes me understand them better and to be more patient, I still have troubles communicating with them, every time they ask me how do I feel about being trans, it feels like they want to pick a fight and tear down my arguments instead of trying to empathize with me

[@LearnLanguagesWithAdrian]

The video I was waiting for.

[@generalkenobi880]

Does dr k still do videos where he actually talks to people? I kinda miss those

[@alienswillcomeAWC]

He’s taking a break from these, at least I hope it’s just a break, because of the bad publicity lately around what happened to one his guests (the one who killed himself, I forget his name). That happened a while ago but a couple of KZbin channels just in the last month or two made some anti Dr K videos

[@generalkenobi880]

@@alienswillcomeAWC oh the must have been Reckfull you’re talking about, thats a shame

[@Seissmo]

Understanding is crucial.

[@Atria636]

What to do if your parents don't accept you? Move out. At least for me, that was the only solution. It's been 5 months since I moved out and they treat me much better now and more like an equal than a subordinate.

[@uwujaki]

Same here, having toxic parents can really fuck you up mentally and physically, so my only solution is to move out hopefully by the next 5 months

[@Atria636]

@@uwujaki Good luck with your moving out!

[@acutechicken5798]

My toxic anti-mother tried reaching out about a year after I left...as if that would somehow fix everything she did. The problem is she has a long history of apologizing, and then going right back to abuse. No reason to believe her. I don't believe that after years of my begging for her to stop that she now has any real desire to do so.

[@Sharkakaka]

This won't work with my parents. They are both extremely egocentric borderline narcissistic, if not actual narcissists, so if I tell them I am not who they think I am they'll scold me for 2 hours, not let me talk and every time I interrupt their monolog they say they let me talk before and didn't interrupt me (most of the time they do interrupt) and now it's my turn to shut up and listen. My therapist basically said they inverted our relationship, making me care for all their emotional needs while they put even more pressure on me. To top it all off my father specifically doesn't accept anyone that is exactly him so: no religion (but can't call him an atheist because he takes offense to that), no LGBTQI+, no tattoos, no dyed hair, no obesity (not even a little overweight, you have to be slim)... and the list goes on... He often comments how those people look ridiculous or doing it for attention and bla bla bla even though it doesn't affect him in the slightest. Oh yeah, he is also against ANY kind of communism and believes in meritocracy even though he admitted it's an utopia. Parents thinks highly of me but I can't take it anymore.

[@vivianriver6450]

Your parents don't sound like they think very highly of you.

[@william_hols]

Haven’t been this early before, this is nice.

[@vinni_bs]

I haven't ever been this early before either. I second that it is nice

[@wicked5999]

I am in this precise moment inclined to deem our collective punctuality as very nice

[@utopes]

Lmao I’m right with you

[@samarsalan9897]

Whats nicer about it?? XD

[@emmataylor8947]

I’m trans. When I came out to my family I was abandoned rejected and shamed. It lead to ptsd and I’ve been trying to fix the damage that they caused me ever since. I feel completely worthless.

[@MidnightEkaki]

Thank you for this. This is very relevant to me because Im trans and planning to come out soon to my parents.

[@rev.rachel]

Good luck!! Sending hugs and support and hoping it goes well ❤️

[@MidnightEkaki]

@@rev.rachel Thank you

[@gameipedia]

The confusing/not listening bit at the end is legit something I have almost verbatim said to my mother both about my political beliefs and being Bi, to actually no avail, whereas the rest of my family is at least, yea being bi is whatever it's straight+gay, which while not a perfect thing for me, is at least, a 'it's your life, be happy' stance

[@maya-hx7xf]

Dr. K! Can you please do a video on Dissociative Identity Disorder and how to be a supportive partner to someone with DID?

[@G.r.e.g.g.l.e.s]

To answer the title: "Eat them."

[@TheFlyfly]

thanks, this will be helpful

[@sirco402]

I have the problem that my parents are both qanon members and therefor are conspiracy theorist. That makes most of the Meetings with our parents (luckily im a twin) kinda difficult. We try not to talk about those stuff but some times out parents force those discussions.

[@sirco402]

And because of that we both have that kinda emptiness fog Feelings

[@footwinner1]

I think one thing that’s causing trouble for non cisgender people is that many online communities that welcome them and discuss their troubles take a stance of no compassion for those who don’t understand their perspective. It’s all or nothing and very judgmental. One of my very best friends has always been more gender nonconforming, but only recently did she confide that she considers herself trans and despite the love I have for her I am still struggling to change my mental conception of her. We went to an all boys school together and grew up skateboarding and going to concerts. If I’m honest it’s a very difficult thing for me to do. I don’t have the day by day experience she has to solidify this perspective and it feels like I’m trying to rewrite my memories. But I know that she probably understands the difficulty of the process and wouldn’t be offended so I feel I have the freedom and space I need to figure it out. Sometimes people have strong reactions to your coming out because you are very important to them.

[@mafumofu986]

If you don't accept trans people you're a bigot. There's no other acceptable perspective.

[@yoongitrash2699]

this is true. honestly, im trans but im too young to take hormones or anything so im aware i definitely dont look like the most many man that has ever maled. it still hurts when i realize that people largely percieve me as a girl, and it really is frustrating, but i cant snap my fingers and force them to see me a certian way. all i can ask for is compassion and respect, which my friends and teachers have certianly given me. so yeah, know that even if she hurts a little inside, she probably is aware that your perceptions are a little hard to change. just try your best to help her out and make her feel comfortable and understood :)

[@vulpinemachine]

Very judgemental doesn't even BEGIN to describe it. Try outright hostile bordering on literal terrorism. My family has been under constant threat and attack for two years straight as of next month. We've had our lives, job, healthcare, housing, etc all threatened or harmed and been verbally accosted nearly every single day for two years. If this is how the LGBT community is going to treat a liberal who has valid criticisms about identity politics, NO WONDER y'all be making enemies every where you go. I'm now so anti-woke from the literal non stop terrorism in my life that I will vote for ANY politician, including GOP if they will shut down wokism. So yeah, I'd say these communities have a big friggon issue. Shit's outta control. And I'm done. 2 years of constant attack and having your children threatened is enough to make anyone insane. And I'm there now. Screw the woke. Y'all made this bed, lie in it, pricks.

[@toastandoatmeal7085]

I'd like to know how to move past guilt about my parents. I have so much guilt around thinking about cutting ties with my parents. I can't remember the last time before the age of 9/10 that I thought of them as a genuine parental figure rather than a figure of only authority I had to follow. I feel guilty that they have genuinely loved me this whole time, but that after deliberating on my own emotions, I genuinely don't think I love them back. (context below) I will say that on my end, I've been out as trans for eight years, and have been out as trans for seven years to my parents. My parents still only call me by the correct pronouns 20% of the time, and refuse to call me by my chosen name, and instead decide to call me by my more gender-neutral middle name. For the first few years they would beg me to not come out, to not show people I was trans, and tried to persuade me to stay cis by saying that I could sexually coerce people in the workplace by wearing sexy feminine clothing while presenting as a woman. Then when I was 15 (out for 3 years, 2 years for them), after I had already been to therapy and my phycologist and physiatrist told my parents HRT would be the best option for me. My parents' response was that my doctors had no idea what they were talking about. My parents told me I was confused, or that It was a phase. My mother then went so far as to take me to the endocrinologist, not for hrt, but to get blood tests to see if my testosterone was too high since she thought that was causing me to be trans. This was on top of emotional abuse and neglect that was going on for the vast majority of my childhood. They see me as being trans as a mark on their reputation as well. I've tried talking to them, presenting facts, presenting medical evidence, and my own testimony and they've still not seen my viewpoint. Before they took me out of therapy, (which they did shortly after my doctor asked them to put me to HRT.) my phycologist told me to try and see it from their view point, and to know that it would take time for them to come around. But the fact of the matter is that sometimes parents don't put in the effort to see your viewpoint, and hell or highwater they don't change. Maybe they will 6 years from now, maybe not. It's getting close to the point where my parents will have known me longer as out as trans than as the person I was before coming out.

[@gnocchidokie]

Abandon all hope all ye who enter this comment section

[@utopes]

true af 💀

[@dshigure]

Dr. K... There are a lot of developing trans people in these comments who are stoked that you've begun addressing the Trans community at all, and on that level I appreciate this video. As someone who has had this same conversation with her parents 12 years ago, however, there are honestly a few things about this video that, though they are informative and potenially useful, they just rubbed me the wrong way. Here are some of my thoughts in no particular order: 1. You are describing a situation where the onus is on a teenager/young adult to be the educators of their parents. You talk through the concepts of how to do it like you're describing how to program a VCR. This situation in practice is a minefield with great emotional gravity with stakes that are quite often literally life or death. Frankly, anyone who has successfully gone through this deserves a medal. 2. As a corellary to the previous point, a trans person often needs to establish some sort of emotional support network or otherwise need help just sorting out their emotions. You make no mention of this, but it's crucial. 3. You mention that we have a ten year head start on this, but I think having ten years to process being trans compares fairly to a much shorter amount of time to process a loved one coming out as trans. Those two situations are not comparable. 4. Comparing this to things like athleticism expectations was kinda iffy, maybe some room to debate, but comparing this to declaring a life partner of someone you have been with for six months was wholly inappropriate. 5. "Sometimes the parents are right" ... "sometimes you don't know until you're older" ... Ok, I presume that you are a cisgender heterosexual man, is this presumption correct? Statements like these in this particular context serve no purpose but to give heavier weight to the parent's frequent attempts to gaslight on this issue. I am not saying that your intention was necessarily to gaslight us here, but this is a questionable-at-best time to side with someone's hypothetical parents. 6. Trans people are deserving of so much better circumstances than they often have. You talk in depth about the parent's grieving on this without even a mention of the grieving that a trans person needs to go through just to get some semblance of liberation. There are tons more things on my mind that would be either finer points, or would open me up to debates that frankly I wouldn't have the energy to participate in, but I think this gives a feel. I don't mean to be overly critical of what you are doing here -- you provide some clear steps to follow in this quagmire, and you are furthering an important conversation in our society. I just hope things steadily continue to get better until a trans teenager is afforded the same parental love and acceptance as a cis teenager.

[@j3891]

exactly. thanks so much for saying this.

[@LuxiBelle]

lol at profile pic

[@Mutantcy1992]

I just hate that I run into people who haven't educated themselves about my particular gender situation before I even meet them, ugh

[@dshigure]

@@Mutantcy1992 you don't have to be a gender studies scholor to put forth a basic amount of human respect and decency toward someone you don't understand, and to listen to them without putting them "on the spot" so much. And if you're going to speak to the topic with any amount of authority, maybe it isn't so bad to be open to the thoughts and feelings of the people impacted by your content. We aren't asking for the world here.

[@RebeccaLoran]

Thank you for this! Took the words right out of my mouth. I love Dr. K's approach so much but a lot of the time with trans issues he kinda starts to go toward his preconceived notions and compares it to other things in his experience. Being trans is not the same as literally anything else on this planet. It's not the same as saying you want to play Fortnite lmfao In addition to that, I feel he should have pointed out that being trans doesn't necessitate changing who you're attracted to. Lesbians and gay men exist, and it's kinda weird when parents start to assume that "if only you started dating girls you'd change your mind" and it's like... I can still date girls lmfao and I know that he wasn't necessarily saying that, but I often feel like he doesn't quite communicate these sort of important distinctions when it comes to trans issues. All in all, I am thankful for him addressing trans issues and hopefully more creators can start to open up about this stuff. It's a learning journey for everyone, and trans people are already having to deal with so much of it, it would DEFINITELY help if cis people would start doing some of the heavy lifting instead of the entirety of the responsibility being placed on about 0.5% of the entire world population.

[@LONE_STORMER]

I watch this video as im sitting in bed with a bra after 16 months of estrogen injections while still not out to my family that i still share a house with because they are uber religious mexicans that dont understand or even want to understand anything related to lgbt issues, voted for trump, and are still against immigration as immigrants themselves, and get mad at me and call me slurs simply for buying a purple hoodie the same color as the lakers shade of purple. I wrote my mom a letter that i sent her during a day trip a few years ago when i was 17, im 23 now and just graduated college in December, but i learned quickly that it fell on deaf ears. When i started talking to my dad again, he had me taking testosterone supplements without me even knowing what the fuck i was faking. That absolutely destroyed me when i found out what i had been taking for months, and definitely solidified the fact that yea, im trans. Doesnt help that im 6’7” and society as a whole bas preconceptions about men my men my size being uber masculine. Yet here i am dreaming of being 5’4” with some real bazoombas and a nice gay relationship with a wife. Lifes a trip, and this was one hell of a 2am ramble.

[@fishbinky]

I've been on hrt for almost a year and it's the best decision I've ever made