What we needed to hear

[@kime535]

"I'm sorry I compete with you instead of being proud of you."

[@saragates2255]

Yep... Hearing this from my mom would have gone a loooooong way. ❤️‍🩹

[@MonsieurChapeau]

You are both reading my mind. (also what kind of adult competes with a child, it's unfathomable).

[@timidsore7933]

This is me (the eldest daughter) and my father

[@-starlight-88]

This is a good one.

[@TeriHargraveartist]

Good one

[@katrionalaurenm]

One more: "It's okay to cry"

[@sojourner239]

You mean like right now? 😢

[@katrionalaurenm]

@sojourner239 Absolutely 💯 😊

[@Unfilteredalyssa1227]

Yes it is ❤

[@birdonawire1988]

@katrionalaurenm been doing that since I saw the reports!! Ya think the mountains ,they're safe , until ya consider the rivers that run through them ! 😢

[@kya9895]

THAT permission took me the longest & required the most work. My father would beat us until we cried - then he would smile a weird satisfied proud smile. Every time I felt tears, I would see his face smiling & swallow the tears.

[@saragates2255]

"You don't have to put someone else's needs before your own."

[@tepsaki]

❤

[@rebeccat9389]

Ooh that one hits hard.

[@jeanvaljean4218]

Sometimes you do though. For a child. Or a loved one going through a very tough time (health crisis etc). I'd add to your statement "who doesn't put your needs above their own sometimes".

[@wearyghost6529]

Awww

[@blackqweenmars]

@@jeanvaljean4218true and don’t be selfish either. If putting your needs above others means treating others like shit then it’s not self care it’s just being a selfish jerk.

[@marymac9303]

It's so real when you see actual children. My therapist started by asking what age these memories and parts are, I had never really tried to figure out specific ages. Then she asked me "when was the last time you saw a 10 year old?" And we looked up pictures and I couldn't believe how little they were... I guess in my mind, I've always been a grown up. But looking at these kids... They really are just tiny children, I really was just a tiny child. We should have been protected from all of this.

[@thesehandsart]

What a powerful exercise, especially for us visual people!

[@ultraviolettas]

“I guess in my mind I’ve always been a grown up” so so true

[@jjjabvi]

I love when i see children being children ❤ it is hard to think that we were like that bc we never felt like it

[@saragates2255]

@@marymac9303 yeah it hit me all over again when we had our first child. Watching this tiny vulnerable human being in all of her glorious innocence really left me with the "WTF were you thinking Mom and Dad!?!" feeling. And another feeling... The "How DARE you take that from a child!" feeling.

[@kd_1421]

My first therapist did this with me, too! "So if a 10 year old girl ran to you crying and told you she went through what you did, would you talk to her like you talk to yourself?" It shook me.

[@jdprettynails]

“I never should’ve put that much responsibility onto you.”

[@KOOLBadger]

@@jdprettynails 😔🥺

[@NanamaAcheampong]

having been a parentified 8 year old, this one especially, speaks to me. thank you.

[@jdprettynails]

@@NanamaAcheampong I hope you’re doing ok. I carried a lot of guilt and shame for something that happened to my sister when I was 11. It was never my fault, but of course I was blamed for it.

[@NanamaAcheampong]

@@jdprettynails that’s kind of you ❤️. after many, many years, i finally am okay. i hope you’re there too, or on your way.

[@jdprettynails]

@@NanamaAcheampong getting there. It’s a long process

[@melinda-elisatatar4253]

"You are allowed and safe to be yourself"

[@aranyaphoenix]

"I was wrong. I'm sorry for what I did and how it hurt you."

[@whodat4124]

I am so glad you were born.....

[@Frederiekje221]

I showed my son the fertility graphs I made while trying to conceive him :D

[@KOOLBadger]

@@whodat4124 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭💔💔💔🥹🫂

[@eileengarfield]

@@Frederiekje221that is so cute and so sweet i’m tearing up.. i hope you live a happy life ❤️

[@geralt-of-rivia-z6f]

Crying now...

[@olyajaworsky5232]

Instead of “you should have never been born …”

[@mnelson929]

"You have so many interesting things to say. I love learning more about you."

[@salemgrace9444]

The boy that couldn’t even look at the camera…. A picture is worth a thousand words.

[@dv52528]

Same

[@yourblisslife]

😢

[@QueenB33-s3b]

The one that killed me was the little girl with the neck muscles popping out like she was forcing herself to smile.

[@voidofmisery4810]

aweeee cute

[@carolynbacon9896]

"You aren't responsible for my problems."

[@scottiecarratello421]

Did anyone else notice how important it was for the kids in the photos (AND us) to look neat, tidy and cared for… on the outside?

[@katrina3560]

Yes. My kindergarten pic is something my mom has commented on over the years. My pigtail bow came undone on one side. It's such a weird thing for her specifically to be hung up on. She was then and is, to this day, an addict of the messiest variety. She expected us to look and be the part with little to no guidance.

[@spacegirl226]

Appearances are everything to a narc. At home it's total chaos. But in the public we fool everyone into thinking we are put together and everything's fine.

[@7632ant]

​​@@spacegirl226 to my parents looking immaculate was essential. Being well behaved, clean and quiet in public. Making them look like model parents and when I shamed them the punishments were swift, brutal and in full view of other people. Unfortunately 60 years ago parents were allowed to do this.

[@Sci-lives]

I learned pretty young that I was the representative of the family and that meant looking good and showing no weakness

[@AA-mm6wu]

Oh, for sure. My sister and I noticed during a joint therapy session together that my mom made sure we had great dental care but was very negligent on medical care. We both came to the conclusion that since teeth are one of the most visible things on a person that she was hiding her neglect for us through us have good teeth.

[@ganasca]

"I am happy you are here. You are adorable and I love you"

[@janettemartin4604]

“You work so hard and I am very proud of you”! ❤

[@Molly-t3c]

"You don't have to deal with this alone. I'm here."

[@youtubecommentator6023]

"My happiness is MY responsibility, I'm sorry I made you think it was yours." Wish my in-laws would say that to my husband.

[@Sdonny]

This is a really good one.

[@AnUnusualVisitor]

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have assumed the worst of you. You were just a little kid, and you were scared and confused.”

[@Calypso504]

This one, this moved me into tears

[@purple_mitochondria]

this made me cry

[@melmalij9973]

Thank you for this

[@lauracragun]

“Let’s spend time together, just you and me”

[@purrfectnails2473]

Oh boy, that one gave me the feels.

[@Havagood1]

"You're important"

[@gbluesky4264]

"Your life is worth something."

[@KOOLBadger]

Well, Im crying. Are any of you? We all are important here.. We must be.. correct?😢

[@Roguefem76]

Yeah, same. 😢

[@lishmahlishmah]

Same ...

[@awesomebearaudiobooks]

I cried too

[@timmytamama]

Yes you are important❤

[@lydiaann5261]

same 🥲 looking at childhood photos of myself makes me sob because how can people treat such innocent little kids so cruelly?

[@untidyfan]

"You are a person with needs, feelings, boundaries, dreams and more and I respect all of you."

[@alexg8852]

“I am sorry for all the times I robbed you of a chance to be a kid because I insisted I was protecting you, but was never there to protect you the one time when you needed me to.”

[@angelface333]

“it’s okay to not want the same things as me or the other people around you. i love who you’ve always been. uniquely you.” 💗💕

[@Rozes301]

"There was nothing wrong with your big heart. I just wanted your love and attention only for me."

[@meganvandyke3442]

“I’m sorry so many people hurt you and made you afraid. I’m sorry for not being a safe family.”

[@Unfilteredalyssa1227]

All of these children and all children everywhere are beautiful and dont deserve anything negative period

[@lieswil]

This really struck a nerve. I cried. Thank you Patrick.

[@mrs.eppsclasses7081]

My only picture up in my home is my kindergarten school picture. It’s there to remind me that I was a child. Not a stupid, selfish, annoying, burdensome adult who didn’t know how to do anything right.

[@trenchrock]

Mine is on my refrigerator next to my kids💗

[@mrs.eppsclasses7081]

❤️

[@anna.saheli]

"I love how courageous and independent you are and I want to learn it from you!" (Instead of shaming me for every minor expression of autonomy...)

[@ballerina3483]

Yeah and some children are just independent by nature . Like they need that independence for them to work.

[@majortom4711]

PDA or persistent drive for autonomy

[@lestranged]

It wasn't your fault. You are good enough. You don't have to be perfect. I will always be on your side.

[@PSA3377]

"I love your laugh" made me cry. I used to get sent to my room for laughing . -No fun allowed !!!

[@Kvinnie424]

I remember being a kid and laughing ‘too loudly’ over something and got yelled at. So when I shut down and got quiet-then I was ‘angry’ at them and that was not okay. Then I started to cry out of frustration-then I was too sensitive. I remember all of that happening in a matter of ten minutes. Horrible of them to do that to a child.

[@hueyandmo]

Yes. I used to get yelled at for laughing and for crying. It was always bad to show emotions.

[@tiffanyh2791]

"I should have been there for you, I'm sorry". "You matter and you are loved."

[@infopubs]

They are all so little. We were all so little. We all deserved better.

[@SuperBookdragon]

Tears in the morning , heart aches for all of us that needed to hear those words.

[@linnyXYZ]

Ooh,that was so powerful,so sad .I get the same sadness when I look at the rare photo of me as a kid. Even more so when I look at photo of my brother who chose to not stay in such a cruel world😢

[@blusclues2429]

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you are holding up okay. Just remember if you’re ever overwhelmed with your emotions, that nothing lasts forever. And whatever pain you’re feeling will eventually come to an end, even if in the moment it feels like an eternity. “This too shall pass” -blu

[@linnyXYZ]

@@blusclues2429 Aww,bless you. Thank you. I am OK. I have found ways if coping,in particular ...it was his choice and I fully understand the trauma. Bless you🙏

[@missteedub]

🙏🏼❤️

[@persasrho4799]

😢

[@deb9784]

LinnyXYZ, I'm so sorry, baby! Sending tender prayers your way! Another terrible loss! Oh my!

[@nerdyPanda7288]

“I should never have tried to change you.” “I should have been your advocate, not an obstacle.”

[@edithgarcelon5142]

A wise friend once told me "you can be your own mother" - I choose, today, to make up for the terrible losses of childhood 🤗🦋

[@itchysheets1222]

Annnnd I’m crying…. Thank you.

[@Mimi-rs9cr]

@@itchysheets1222me too ❤ 🫂

[@christyviolet926]

That quote would make awesome affirmation decals to give out. 🌟

[@raitisvein]

I'll make sure to tell my brother too!

[@rainbowconnected]

This is true and it is an empowering approach. I have done a lot of reparenting myself. I think a necessary part of it is acknowledging that we shouldn't have to do that and feeling any sadness, anger or other feels that arise first though.

[@meganvandyke3442]

“You can do anything! You are a wonderful human being.”

[@amivanzyl8876]

It's interesting to see the contrast between the things we needed to hear, accurately shown in this video, and the things we actually heard. I really needed "I'm sorry, and you can totally be upset with me." The family I needed it from couldn't and won't understand that what they *did* say was different. They said "I'm sorry, ok? What more do you want." They said "You can be mad at me if you want but that's how it is." They said "How was I supposed to do better?". They said "You were fine in the end." Meaningless half-admissions that only hurt more because they demonstrate that the people I needed care from would never show the contrition that would amount to any vulnerability or real accountability. They would rather avoid vulnerability with a wounded child than ever have a chance at connection with that child.

[@andreapeters981]

Your last line says it all. My mom knew everyone in my HS class but doesnt know me. Took me a lifetime to figure that out.

[@amivanzyl8876]

@@andreapeters981 I know exactly how that feels, and I'm so sorry. You are knowable and deserve to be known.

[@voicesoftheunderground6957]

Forgiveness is the greatest healer

[@Assumption7]

"I know you try your best and I'm proud of you".

[@RoSa-kr8hy]

I’m going to say this to my child today.

[@franzi6823]

„I am sorry I couldn’t hear or see you. Your feelings matter.“ would have been the line under my foto. Growing up in the eighties I saw a lot of children my age… you felt like fellow friends… made me cry… 😿 so many brave yet sad / frightened little smiling faces. 😢😦😔Thank you so much for your work, Patrick! Danke für deine Arbeit und diese Erinnerung! 🙏 aus Deutschland ❤

[@comefondue]

I am not mad at you. You didn’t do anything wrong. Thank you for helping me. What is important is how you feel, not how you look. Let’s go for a walk.

[@LoveandcatsinNC]

"You are wanted. You are not a mistake. You are worthy of being loved."

[@magpie222]

Oh how many times did I tell my kids that. I was a terrible mom. I am now letting my kids know how bad I feel at the terrible parenting I did. I hope they can forgive me

[@thesehandsart]

From a child's perspective, focus on how it made them feel I apologize for that. I know it can be easy to talk about how we feel as parents but the focus is on the child. I hope this helps you heal your relationships with your children, start being that good parent to them by focusing on what they need and best of luck.

[@Fauntleroy.]

Thank you for being aware and for doing the hard work of looking at yourself. It is so, so not easy to do, for anyone. You are human and you are allowed to make mistakes. But owning yours will help to heal the rift with your children. I wish you every success.

[@rainbowconnected]

Good on you for owning your mistakes and trying to make it right. If they're open to talking with you, I'd encourage you to get curious about their experience. Let them that you want to know what being parented by you was like for them. Be willing to hear what they have to say without correcting, judging, or dismissing. Just validate their experience and try to empathize. Rather than asking forgiveness, maybe focus on how you can make amends. You can ask them what would help heal the wounds. I know it won't be easy to hear or do probably. I bet it will help you to feel better and hopefully bring about greater connection with your kids.

[@123Oogie]

I think you did your best. And I know your children loves you. Please be easier on yourself Maggie. You are still their parent, and always will be. You can always be the mom you wanted to be now. And I bet you already are ❤❤❤❤❤

[@itsdune079]

“You’re beautiful. I love you no matter what you look like and I’m sorry for commenting on your body size and your appetite.”

[@CarieGurl]

THIS! The same for me too..😢 ❤

[@dariabondavalli4070]

I am here now and I always will be. I love you and you are perfect as you are.

[@Jae-by3hf]

This made me tear up because I look at everyones cute faces and think how did anyone be so cruel to you, us? We were all so innocent and sweet 😢

[@MonsieurChapeau]

@@Jae-by3hf exactly, completely innocent children

[@cam-dasmartman]

Life is suffering

[@BennyJet-888]

"I see you, and your feelings are important to me."

I love how the last pic and sentence was from you, already owning your calling as a therapist. ❤

[@Kaileedoodleloo69]

“I love you just the way you are (preferred name).” Is mine.

[@mariehughey5390]

I’ve noticed how you put so much genuine love and thoughtfulness into your videos these days. I believe when we become parents it makes us even more aware of the needs that we went without being met. The way you treat us here, I feel you must be a very good father.

[@janmots2829]

"You deserve to heard and seen. I'm sorry I never saw you for who you are."

[@cleowithmayo9359]

“I deserve love even if you don’t succeed.”

[@beegeesquirrel]

Personally, I dont even want to think or imagine the things that i needed to hear. I dont even wish my family changed or said sorry, i dont want to imagine an alternative life where they would have been good to me. I want absolutely nothing to do with them. Thinking about them makes me sick.

[@dv52528]

They hurt me way too much. I would rather be my own parents.

[@diane986]

I feel that way too. The abuse and betrayal was so immense and constant that no apology could even scratch the surface of the damage that was done. I have to focus on healing myself and moving forward.

[@sugahoney89]

❤️❤️❤️🤗

[@mistsandrain]

I’m with y’all.

[@dawnpokemontrainer]

Who else is watching this on repeat? Crying? And trying to find a single phrase their parents might have uttered? Thank you, Patrick. This is beautiful.

[@mommalion7028]

I’m a mom and I want to hug everyone who didn’t hear what they needed. This video made me cry a whole lot.

[@ArtsyLGStyles]

"You can rest now."

[@sp1704]

"I am so proud of all the wonderful and amazing things you do! and I see you working so hard at! But I also want you to know, you don't need to do any of those amazing things for me to love you, and be proud of you. I will always love you and be proud of you, no matter what."

[@Thewhiteandorange]

❤❤❤

[@Calypso504]

Reading this, on my non native language still hit deep enough for me to cry

[@melissajaaaay1915]

Wow. Some of those i didnt even know i needed to hear and have never heard before in my life. So moving, Patrick. Thank you for the work you do with us. ❤

[@simplyfrancois]

"I love you no matter what." "I'm sorry we failed you." "I will support you always." 'It's all my fault." "Your dad does his best." "I loved your mum." "I'm proud of you." "I've hurt you."

[@lisa2000geese]

Really beautiful and valuable, thank you for making and posting this ❤

[@nerdyPanda7288]

“I should have seen you for who you where and are, not what I thought you where.” Just remember, you survived. Nothing About Us Without Us!

[@teritt]

“You’re allowed to fail, I’ll still love you.”

[@sarahjmount9221]

Omg…. I can barely see the screen through my tears 😭 and I thought I had gotten past this part and didn’t care anymore about what they did or didn’t do! That video struck a nerve so deep…man, I haven’t accomplished as much with all my work as I thought I have. Thanks Patrick. ❤

[@fatherburning358]

Beautiful. Had a look at my high school year books recently. I could see it, i remembered, i felt sadness for that me. I knew what was coming. But i knew he would be ok in the end. I knew i would eventually rescue him, keep him safe and he could rest. I hope all these kids are safe and healing now. 🤍🙏

[@ahgflyguy]

Them saying it wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference. They would need to be the kind of person that WOULD say it. Because that person would have been different in every interaction.

[@selilatte]

Thank you Patrick. And for you, I say, thank you for coaching us, from a place, unfortunately, of knowing. Your horrible experiences have made our ones more easy to understand and heal from. Thank you

[@wendymontie5660]

“At two years of age (through to age 40), you didn’t know that you needed to know that your father WANTED to raise you, but his fledgling career wasn’t going to be able to support the two of you after the divorce. He didn’t fight for custody because he knew my mom had a better support system.” The irony of him apologizing for my abandonment issues, when it wasn’t him, it was feeling emotionally abandoned by my mom. But hearing him apologize, healed a wound I didn’t know I had. And when he explained a lot of my ‘origination story’ to my 40 year old self so much fell into place. I’m just so glad that we became great friends instead of going separate ways after I turned 18 and the divorce visitation order was done. This Thursday will be 11 years since he was k*lled in an accident. I’m so glad we had great conversations on the regular.

[@marian9410]

I did a visualisation where my adult self, now a mother, went back home to my childhood places and took myself (as a child) by the hand and told everyone that I am taking this child with me now to a safe place. Was really empowering to have myself be mum to my younger self and walk out of the chaos, carrying myself like I would have done with my own kids. Because I did become a fairly good mum (except those bad moments in between) in the end and cuddled my kids a lot.

[@Flower-oi7eh]

I did that, too! It was really healing. I hope more people get to experience the same.

[@lishmahlishmah]

Thank you Patrick 💚

[@pair_odocs]

Oh dear, the girl at 0:36 looks so terrified, you can tell she's been through too much. I want to give a her a hug.

[@XOguitargurlOX]

Tthank you for posting on YT. I was on the search to find information that could help me communicate with a drug users children and I found this channel. Wasn’t expecting to find a path for me, especially a path of healing. 🙏

[@movewithmike]

😭😭😭😭 all those sweet little kiddos must have suffered so much. Sending you all good health and healing from your childhood.

[@heythatsacoolsn]

I'm so proud of you for trying your best, and I'll be here every step of the way if you need help, I believe in you

[@-starlight-88]

Wow. This is a great reminder. I will start to say some of these things to the little people in my life who may not be hearing them from their parents. ❤

[@katrina3560]

Safe to say, I didn't know what I was getting my heart into when I clicked the video this a.m.😢💔It's good, though, to "hear" the things we know we should have. Validating ❤️‍🩹

[@GummyBear1972]

I wish I had been asked about my thoughts and feelings about anything. My input was consistently ignored, and my disappointment and disbelief in that also ignored. Why didn't I matter in my own life choices?

[@DriftlessWarrior]

Adding the photos made the words just so much more meaningful. Thank you. I burned almost all my childhood photos about 12 years ago. No regrets. Especially the staged family photos (anyone remember Olan Mills?) where my parents were beaming while you could see the misery in the eyes of me and my brother. But anyway, this video is so helpful, and I thank you again.

[@Fauntleroy.]

Olan Mills was the bane of my existence as a kid. I was being abused outside the home, trying to hide it, and had loving but immature and self-involved parents who didn't catch on. And then I got dragged to the portrait studio at the height of my body image crisis and made to pose for photos. At least in the years since then my mother has apologized for that!

[@princesinha1680]

Tears pooling in my eyes as I watch this...because I didn't hear most of those growing up, I now make it my goal, as a teacher, to ensure every student I interact with feels safe, seen, listened to and validated. Very few things bring me greater joy...

[@Arstudook]

‘’you are good enough just as you are’’

[@alia4150]

It breaks my heart that those once children are now adults walking in society ,yes they're all grown up but still with childhood wounds no one would've known otherwise ,i hope they all are happy and ok in their lives .

[@ElCharroOscuro]

“Your childhood wasn’t your fault”

[@do8559]

“You don’t have to earn my love. You don’t have to prove to me that you’re worth it.”

[@lhmcd5538]

I’m having a great deal of trouble trying to encapsulate how those words made me feel. Let’s just say I cried and you are accurate in writing the words I never heard. Thank you. May you all please take care and stay safe. 👏👏👏❤️❤️❤️🤩🤩🤩

[@Ninabina87]

“Your body is beautiful just the way it is”

[@GummyBear1972]

This is the fastest I have ever come to tears out of nowhere.

[@tobinrogers41]

"I'm sorry." Words I never got from my parents, no matter what they did. I always felt either responsible for my mistreatment, or that I was being a "brat" or a "drama queen." As a result, I took so much more mistreatment from other people than I shouldn't have...

[@LisaFenton-h7f]

Me,too

[@catfrog79]

😭 I see pure innocence in all of those sweet babies. I'm sorry for whatever you experienced. I'm in the same boat 😢❤

[@robincostner5707]

Thank you for this Patrick!

[@TherealSakuraKei]

❤❤❤ healing to think if what it is we need to say to the little us inside our hearts.

[@Tempted_Lotus]

Im not crying YOUR crying 🥺🙈

[@hippiemetalhead]

"no, you don't deserve pain. stop feeling guilty about existing, it wasn't your choice to be born into such conditions"

[@orielwiggins2225]

I cry every time you share these, thank you so much. Connecting with my feelings is so hard. I need this.

[@lmoorelawpractice6214]

Love this. Sending it to my adult daughter right now! Ty ❤

[@PotsandPansWhatsPotsandPans]

Trying to heal their childhood instead of having our own. Thank you, Patrick.

[@SunnyDays70s]

This is heartwarming beautiful :) I’ve said many of these things to my kids and it encouraged me that I’m breaking generational toxicity. I still have much to work on too.

[@ShannyFMinstereo]

Bawling xx

[@unpocoloco369]

You shouldn't have to fight so hard to be seen; I love you and I see you.

[@roselandpetals]

😪