When a man is using a woman, he will do these 9 things

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[@i_am_processing_]

People seem to want the benefits of a relationship, but not the responsibilities.

[@Sunshine-lo6vd]

100%

[@Ana-rb7ws]

Don’t deal with those people. Which job sends out paychecks when the person show up for work? None. Relationships are just as transactional as work, except we exchange with time, respect, mutuality etc. Don’t entertain people who disrespect your time, and they’ll soon leave because they didn’t get what they wanted. Most people have discarded the ways of Godly living, and look what that has gotten us. If men had no choice but to get married to get their needs met, they’d have no choice but to straighten up for marriage. Hooking up has made bad behavior and bad character an epidemic.

[@indiaandrews6996]

Exactly, they want wife or girlfriend benefits with no strings attached.

[@lilcricket4379]

Friends w/benefits was NOT an accident the minion set our mindlessness up, monkey see 🦧 monkey do

[@waitingfortheweekend9002]

Amen extremely common these days

[@sagrammyfour]

I met a guy at work a few days before New Years Eve (I'm a nurse and had seen him around a few times--he was a radiology tech). He was nice looking, employed, seemed fairly intelligent--there was definitely a spark on my part. So I invited him over for a very nice dinner (I'm a good cook). He didn't bring wine, flowers or anything, but we had a pleasant evening, with no sex. It was nice and he seemed to enjoy himself. . Our next date was at a popular brew house with good, moderately expensive food. I ordered a very moderate meal, so did he. Then the waiter brought the check and set it on the table. CRICKETS. The waiter stood there blocking the exit. Talk about awkward. Finally, my dream date said "Oops, I forgot my wallet". I paid. On the way to the car he said he would write me a check. I waited a few days then called him and told him to forget it and said goodbye. Then the dumbass calls for another date. I said I didn't think we were compatible. He asked "Is it about the money?" I figured he's was so absolutely clueless it would be a waste of time telling him he's a classless sorry excuse for a man, so I just said again we seemed incompatible and I felt no spark, no connection. He said he was sorry and asked for another chance! I said "Gotta go, I'm getting another call", and BLOCKED HIM. A man with any class at all would still have sent a check anyway, even if he had no chance. Sometimes spending New Years alone isn't such a bad idea, but I'm glad it happened. It raised my awareness and made it easier to separate the wheat from the chaff (there's a lot of chaff out there). BTW I actually found a prince, he was worth waiting for and kissing a few toads). We've been together for 14 years now.

[@liliaaaaaaaa]

Wow. That is so low for a guy to do that to you on a 1st date! & he worked with you? How could he not hang his head in shame. Glad you found the perfect guy eventually.

[@rachelcoisnacoillte6023]

You handled that well by blocking him. Such a lack of basic good manners and decency on his part. What a lucky escape!

[@24wallachian]

Yes but she could have handled it even better by telling him the truth (i.e. that he wasn't a gentleman, that he had no manners, that he behaved like a parasite, etc ) instead of coming with that fake generic response of "We're not compatible". Not to mention that this type of response implies that it's her fault as well - that she carries part of the blame as well, which is obviously a nonsense.

[@rachelcoisnacoillte6023]

@@24wallachian Yes you're correct. Just curious...can I ask if you always have the presence of mind and poise to say the appropriate response in such situations at the moment they occur? I sometimes find myself just too gobsmaked or flummoxed by a persons behavior in the moment to say anything! 😂

[@ypanso]

@@24wallachian i think he was very aware of what he was doing ...

[@fermaazmat6106]

Some insecure men use confident women to sponge off their energy to pass themselves off as a whole person...

[@revertingthemoldways]

Thanks for this information 😊

[@girlyting8636]

Yes I felt that in my past rs, his insecurities as a divorcee and he always use it against me as his status said he is more experienced 😢

[@rpillyis]

this. this happened to me

[@vincentwaterson3480]

They crash and burn later

[@annieemanniee]

SUMMED UP IN ONE

[@Anonymous-pk8bk]

Simple advice here and you will NEVER get used! listen to his ACTIONS AND PATTERNS not his words! Do NOT believe anything he/she tells you!!! Believe what they consistently (show) you!!!

[@Freespiritedqueen]

🙌🏾 These words are GOLD!

[@TheMaristela05]

100% agree

[@camiladancedance1003]

As simple as that

[@Bohohoho]

Yes I agree my bf cannot express his feelings with words but his actions show me he loves me so much.He is always there for me always!❤

[@tamilynedwards8388]

You've got that right all the way to the bank!!!

[@lesliemontagne6797]

I’ve been married for 40 years and gradually saw my spouse behave in ALL these ways. He’s been using my strong skills in finance, investing, organizing, parenting, planning, negotiating and more for his purposes. I left two years ago. Should have done it twenty years ago.

[@lorrainedzimano2978]

eish now my heart is beating so fast

[@susanbrown2909]

@@grandmajane2593 A decent man to me hasn’t been born yet..most have vile little habits and a man child ..the idiot I’m with atm.is a perfect example ,I’m a shit magnet..but not for much longer.

[@SucessKey]

Good for you. I had a narcissistic pos for 7 years. Looking back I was a compromising dink. With age, experience I blossomed without a man. I did remarry to a beautiful man with a big heart. I don't look back at my previous marriage as wasted time because my development led me to my forever love.

[@kookykreek]

You probably have a lot of company. So sad. I’m guessing you’re enjoying life now, and you should.

[@lorie371]

I married that, too. I feel so foolish for falling into his trap. I left almost 7 years ago. He benefited financially from that

[@livefreewithcyndylee]

The fair weather boyfriend. Yep. I can spot a user IMMEDIATELY on dating profiles...it usually goes something like... Looking for a woman who: 1. Has her act together. 2. Isn't jealous. 3. Has a positive attitude 4. Understands I'll be fishing with my buddies every weekend. 5. Stays fit. 6. Has her own interests. And blah blah blah. He sets the stage to ensure you really don't bother him or disrupt his life in any way

[@RapturereadyforJesus]

Great comment!

[@marigolds49]

Great comment!

[@mb8219]

Or my absolute personal favourite Nr 7. DOESN'T take life/herself too seriously 🤣🙊

[@marieo5417]

Or "my kids are priority". No kidding, Einstein. Or listing favourite traits "humble", "feminine"... omg, run.

[@marieo5417]

​@@mb8219I can't 💀 I take it all very seriously, actually.

[@Frkdsnbrd4103]

Not inviting you to meet his family or willing to meet yours after dating for a significant time is another red flag.

[@Florica-d9d]

This is the very big red flag! Believe me 🥹🤔

[@jasonm4332]

that certainly can be true but on the other hand believe me when i say women put too, too, too much significance on the man introducing him to his family -it often means NOTHING. -yet the woman believes its a sacred threshold shes just stepped over.-its not.

[@Katanas85]

The family is usually on to him and his shenanigans 🤷🏾‍♀️ so not that important

[@AlliterativeAtheist]

It’s not to me . I never understood the big deal with this . I usually don’t care to meet them .

[@a.m6523]

Years ago it use to mean something when a man wanted you to meet his family and vice versa but in my personal experience I quickly found out that it really didn’t mean anything serious on the guy’s end. I had to remind myself not to think too much of it when it happens.

[@jandrews6254]

#10 the man who only expresses affection when he wants sex. He won’t hold hands when you’re out, he won’t even walk with you. The only time there’s a hug or peck on the cheek is when he’s leading up to sex. Not lovemaking

[@jodizellmer994]

I agree! Sex and lovemaking are two different things. In my opinion, people mistake not being able to keep there hands off each other as strong chemistry, which may be true, BUT if you really care about each other, you will spend time getting to know each other before having sex, instead of going at it like a couple of horny teenagers the first chance you get. In that case, it's nothing but lust.

[@prettygurl_509]

No see no see no see mom no no no no see

[@KH-rc7tl]

When I broke up with my narcissist all he could say was “I thought you liked the sex” says it all really 😢

[@jnorway7295]

Sounds like my narcassistic, misogynistic ex-husband too

[@MrsTessWren]

@@KH-rc7tlmine too😢 sending you healing.

[@jgrrr9047]

Was married to a covert narcissist who did all the right things but lived another life in secret. Those take detectives. They are terribly destructive against you and the kids when you do find out. A life of sorrow. Be careful!

[@Freespiritedqueen]

Happen twice with children. Lost them for years. Never recovered. Never engage with users/abusers! Not even be their friends.

[@jambonyfigeroa8783]

Mine did this too. He had another relationship going the entire time. He felt entitled to be talking to her all day.

[@kellihernandez3387]

Going through it now:( I don't wish this upon anyone. Horrible!

[@Ps51clean]

Haha. Whenever I read about a woman who’s experienced specifically a covert narcissist…I want to send a picture of the one I was involved with (of course he looks like George Clooney, better even!) and ask, “Was this the guy!?” He’s 64 still playing the same games. Oh well I certainly learned a great deal from him.

[@ahimmeroder5817]

This can also apply to a married couple. A husband can get tired of his wife and still use her. Doesn’t want to lose her, cause who will do all the work

[@jodizellmer994]

Exactly! Why would he leave willingly when she does everything for him? He's got it made.

[@cherripitman6642]

You just described my marriage.

[@lynnschantz9185]

@@cherripitman6642. Yep mine too, all 52 years.

[@vaska1999]

​@@cherripitman6642 You know what to do.

[@maggiefranks6849]

@@cherripitman6642 leave him sis

[@truthtimetarot]

A guy must like/love the woman more than she likes/ loves him. Sad but true. If this is the opposite, the man will use up all your youth and leave to be with the girl he WANTS.

[@artchem1]

I absolutely agree with you 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟🇬🇧💔

[@MaroonRose3216]

Sometimes this is even an act to get you to let your guard down. Some call it love bombing.

[@bluebirdwing6021]

Pleaaazzzzze keep in mind. Any man who does do this is a LOSER and he didn’t use up your youth. He wisened your present. He is the one who “wants” a naive and shallow woman. He cannot “use up” you and then find an amazingly wise and intelligent woman. He will find someone who matches his immaturity. A girl. Not. A woman. Regardless of age. You are the wiser. Remember that. Nobody has the power to be told he took or used. He educated you for someone better. He can only choose someone that will put up with his games regardless of their age.

[@DeV-2909]

What about the one you didn't love? He love-bombed you. But he showed his true colors after a while. How do you know then?

[@DeV-2909]

@@Lillith1203 Yes I did. Now answer my question.

[@kellyvargas6986]

The best way to know if a man really cares and loves you is how he treats you when you are unwell. It is the same way a man can know if his woman loves and cares about him, how she treats him when he is sick.

[@samiam2088]

This is why I split from my husband. I got had a health crisis and he responded by keeping his distance and going out four times a week, while I was alone.

[@susancross5192]

If you get sick you`re on your own. If they get a sniffle they want you to put your life on hold and kiss their butts. To hell with men.

[@ms.rlsteele351]

@@samiam2088 Omgosh did you find a way to walk out?

[@AntarikshPasricha]

Great, will apply

[@samiam2088]

@@ms.rlsteele351 I’ve been out for a year and a half.

[@richricogranada9647]

This is even more common amongst older men. All they want is kisses, sex, having fun, e never commitment. Be aware older ladies!

[@andreal.1666]

Also my (60) experience two month ago. After two month with a divorced Protestant Pastor (58) I had to cut the „situationship“! Now I realized: He only pretended to be in love with me, in order to gain kisses, sex, intelligent conversations (I have a doctor in philosophy/ he not!) … He was not able to be romantic, to share his emotions (?) and to understand me on a deeper emotional level. … I must have been in a rush for four days and nights; but after I questioned him about the character of our „relationship“ (350 Mails over two month, because of 400 km distance, 4 days & nights together) I had to cut immediately, because I felt deep inside very used and my trust in him was abused! Terrible feelings and inner struggles for me the last two month! But now I‘m more confident, to come over this experience and lesson of live! Don‘t give a man „credit“ (your full love, body) because of his profession as Pastor, Professor …! Protect yourself! This daily program starts in your mind and consciousness!

[@natthebratster]

I would have never thought this was true except I've experienced it twice now. It's the Tinder culture in the minds of 60 and 70 year old men. Sex on the third date? Third? I don't even know you-sorry not happening!! I think I'll gladly remain single for the remainder of my life!

[@recovermylife2976]

Older ladies aren't innocent my ex is 21 im 23 and the girl he left me for is 30 when I was with my ex she tried to come in-between our relationship and do so many horrible things now they're together

[@ST-yc7uj]

@@recovermylife2976 don't generalize though

[@lenebrantley221]

Those old players are the worse.

[@angellinegirl]

Thank you for posting this Brian. Many men (and surely women too) are finding this "use and discard" type of behavior normal nowadays. This is because of the rise of the dating apps and the need for instant gratification and for everything to happen quickly with minimal effort. Then as soon as things go slightly wrong, people discard their relationships - which were not relationships to begin with - in favor of finding someone new and potentially better on a dating app again. Some people are in a so-called stable long-term relationship and never leave the dating apps. It's a sad situation and I'd love to figure out how we, as a society, could fix it.

[@soniachambers6460]

All true

[@coyote5735]

Very accurate, In the old days before smartphones and Apps a relationship grew slowly, the separation between dates could make the union stronger, today dating is like visiting the supermarket you browse and pick something from the shelf and if you don't like it you quickly discard it and pick something else. We live in a consumer society where everything is disposable that has filtered into relationships, which makes stable relationships hard to find.

[@jhoferrero5766]

sad but true

[@elliegoulding744]

I used to actively use dating apps but I no longer use them and I do not see myself using them ever again. It is all a facade and the people there are not ready or mature for true love. It is all a game to 95% of them. I'm glad I'm not on it anymore. It's such a waste of time.

[@Vixinaful]

we can fix it by not sleeping with men without marriage first. women sell themselves short these days.

[@jacquiventurini7877]

I have been with that man, all 9 traits. Somehow it carried on for years and actually there was controlling behaviour too. Now I have met the complete opposite to that. This new person who came into my life is everything you say “a man who loves you,” should be. I feel like the luckiest, most blessed person ever to have met him. He is my world, my safety, my best friend, my hero my everything ❤❤❤❤❤

[@pricenimo8701]

Sorry dear he is love bombing you be safe

[@melmel7011]

He shouldnt be your everything

[@feliciaowusu9503]

So when is the wedding💒 assuming it has been more than 6 months

[@susancross5192]

He`also ``new``

[@lovelove-jx9qt]

Girl have some more self respect. No man should ever be your everything. Don't put people on a pedestal and always be willing to have the dignity to walk away.

[@aniyam5268]

I wish my 18 year old self heard this. Would have saved so much time and tears

[@mb8219]

Indeed

[@Cat-sx6ep]

me too and I had a dad in my home however he did not stop them from using and dating me then my younger sister.

[@Lindamay9]

Many years ago, I was in a nightmare relationship with one shit of a man. He was fine for the first 3 months, then it all hit the fan. I found a way to get rid of him.. So glad I did. He got into my bank account and drained it out...!! He's been dead for 25 years and I still have nightmares from his terrible behaviour.. !!

[@jodizellmer994]

Any man can say he loves or cares about you, but do his actions match his words?

[@roseluz1765]

What gets me is when men who are age 50 + still act like players !! I’m 50 years old and this is what I see so often in the dating scene, I respond immediately by excusing myself whenever I see the man is in player mode, and I thank them for meeting then I call it quits .. Like, when will they grow up ! When we are age 50, we might have not more than 20 years left to live ! So are they in player mode for life ?! Grow up ! Ideally, we grow in great wisdom as we age !

[@RapturereadyforJesus]

That gives me the creeps when older men think they are all that. Lol

[@tinydancer36]

Blowing sunshine up some guys behind to inflate his ego is NOT going to happen! Don't need any extra baggage to carry around for any man. I'm a 67 year old widow who learned the hard way...

[@roseclaire5850]

I don’t think they can ever change if they still play at 50…. I mean men out there are being serious and committed in their 20´s…

[@marieo5417]

It's embarassing, isn't it? In all their years, they still haven't worked out how to manage their money for a monthly professional. 😏

[@devinehagia123]

3:29 amen to that, it’s hard to find a person who actually cares about the persons heart and soul anymore, its mostly about physical attraction and what you can offer them in a relationship.

[@beccareynolds4625]

People use people, family, friends and men have all done this to me. It wasn’t until I was able to place firm boundaries that I’ve now denied access. It only took 40 years 😂

[@Michelle-cn9zp]

Right😂

[@kb8511]

You are still ahead of me. I’m going to be 40 in a couple weeks and I am still having a hard time setting boundaries.

[@findinglela]

Only?

[@milkamusa5837]

I hear you... Just wondering why it takes us so long, I guess it's because we do the opposite of what the users do... Care, support, love and hope for the best.... Sadly.

[@findinglela]

@@milkamusa5837 Like now. I should get in touch with you for the same support

[@Kazzas73]

If a guy says to you “you’re too good for me”, don’t think this is a compliment. What he’s really saying is, I will never be able to live up to your expectations of me as a man. He will take what he can while he can, but it will end….. when he consistently lets you down.

[@jennifervaughn1541]

I found the hard way this to be true

[@Kazzas73]

@@jennifervaughn1541 so sorry you had to find out the hard way. So did I.

[@MR-cw2gy]

FACTS!!! I wish I had known that 8 years ago.

[@delisetsamoh8816]

Thank You

[@pinkcardigan3329]

Wow my ex checked all 9 of these points. Lousy family, with a high and mighty attitude. They all treated me poorly and I didn’t know any better in my early 20s. Now I avoid men who even slightly remind me of him, and that’s for the better.

[@elliegoulding744]

As you should. You are such a good woman!

[@gaylec8930]

They only ever put in any effort if they want something from you. Then when they get what they want they go back to ignoring you. Inconsistency is an immediate red flag 🚩

[@IevaKambarovaite]

*Hot dinner on the table, massages on demand, you're always there supporting him, but he leaves you on read consistently and changes the topic when you ask about his Christmas plans..* I think it's important to have a serious conversation about what you're looking for and see where it goes from there. Always be prepared to walk away as painful as it may be. Loved this video. Always an inspiration for my own channel 💕

[@YASMINOGBU]

❤️

[@IevaKambarovaite]

@@Couplescience he's a very lucky guy. I think someone not taking a woman out for fancy dinners is not necessarily a deal breaker if he's showing he cares in other ways. Especially in this economy. But it's very painful when the relationship is one-sided.

[@rustyrules4264]

@@IevaKambarovaite ,when my cousin and her hubby was cutting corners,saving up for a house. He was romancing his next wife with champagne. True story

[@infjfemale200]

Yes!

[@lenebrantley221]

@@rustyrules4264 Let me get this straight. He was cutting corner with is wife. Left her and married the other woman. Meanwhile, he was wining and dining her. Did I understand it correctly?

[@stacymaya]

How sad is to realize you married a person that is described on this video. Thank you for your video, I left him but it's always so good to know I made the right choice.

[@debradias8288]

This video came three years too late

[@eagleeye2300]

That stinks, but now you know. Sadly, many users are out there. People have seemingly lost sight of the fact that love gives and serves...Thats why the rare couples that make it are still together. They honor their partner, cherish their commitment, invest in it, make it work. Other people trade partners in like they are cars. Gross.

[@amy2434]

Be grateful that he still shared his wisdom rather than us getting ourselves in cheated loops..

[@debradias8288]

@@amy2434 uh this comment isn't meant as a hateful one.

[@lydiasalzer7896]

I do not no a person who showes up with all nine sings in relationship beacause relationship always allows the progress.

[@morandi9inna9marius]

Better late than never.

[@laurentwinsmom4162]

This really hit home for me. I was someone's place holder for 9 years.

[@Allison-405]

Me too but for 17 years…hope your good now:-)

[@lisamay5649]

I've seen too many men like that. Users. Takers. No integrity. No givers. Not invested emotionally. No sense of commitment. Even narcissists. All this even though I established boundaries they didn't respect, even though I have high standards for my own behavior and healthy self-esteem. No thank you!!! I'd rather stay single.

[@BashaerB-h2c]

That’s why I left 3 months in. I was fully invested and treated him with much love and respect. He on the other hand? One foot in one foot out with bare minimum bread crumbing behavior. I caught up and left. Not worth the heart ache and I’m not going to stay devoted to a user man.

[@kayn2756]

I went on a date with a guy who was introduced to me by his cousin that I went to college with years a go. I was not attracted to this guy 'coz he was too skinny but I was bored and decided to date him anyway. The guy was very upfront about his past. 46yr old. Married twice and divorced both times due to him cheating. He made it clear that he was a player. But he said he is changed because he is getting old. I told him I wasn't looking for a husband. Fast forward, we go on a few dates then I invited him over to spend the night. The sex was epic. OMG, we continue seeing each other. He pays a lot of attention. Calls me every 2hrs when away from each other. Takes me out at least once a week. Spends a lot of time with me on his days off. Helps transport my kids when I'm busy. I asked myself, how is this guy a player if he is doing all the things a boyfriend should be doing. Then one day I grabbed his cell phone thinking it's mine. He was lying right next to me. He was texting back and forth with this hot chick, maybe in her 20s, complementing how beautiful she is . He had sent 200$ to another CHICK. This guy was a toxic mess. I never looked at his the same way again. I ended things after dating for 1yr. People can be so fake.

[@Simplythetruthfulone]

Why would you give him a whole year knowing he was a player? When you said you didn't like how skinny he was, it was that you actually saw he had nothing to offer and it came true in real life.

[@kayn2756]

@@Simplythetruthfulone I was bored, remember.

[@prayntongues]

I invested 2 yrs of my life with a skinny guy I was not attracted to but he was cool to talk to and chill with. I reasoned that it’s not his fault that he’s so skinny lol. Anyhow he thought he was the shit and so handsome. I felt like I wasn’t good enough. He was a waste of time and glad my eyes opened up. He said the quiet part outloud: I’m on the lookout for something better. That was all I needed to hear that my gut was right, he was using me. So I ended it. 2 yrs after our breakup he called me to tell me he made a mistake and would like to see me again. Oh well, too bad, so sad, I was engaged. I wish I could have seen his face when I said those words. All he said was oh shit. I waited too long. These immature manboys are players and always lose at their little games.

[@V.E.R.O.]

Well, you know what they say about skinny guys...at least he told you who he was and you had a good time in the sheets.

[@TheMaristela05]

@@V.E.R.O. What do they say about skinny guys?

[@manuellubian5709]

Please post the "9 Things" on the screen or at least post the numbers visibly on screen so that we will know when you are transitioning between the different thoughts.

[@iamthatiam44444]

I have literally been single almost 20 years and am very comfortable in that. Relationships are just to damn confusing to me.

[@boredathome206]

I thought I was comfortable but I'm also bored...

[@iamthatiam44444]

@@boredathome206 yeah I get bored too but not enough to change🤭

[@Ashtarot77]

I can now understand why my one aunt was a spinster. My brother is a confirmed bachelor at 56 and so is my other brother at 47.

[@RapturereadyforJesus]

Me too!

[@marigolds49]

Don't envy you at all

[@lisajohnson521]

I have dealt with a guy that had all 9 of these combined 🤣 It was during a time where I was broken and emotionally struggling but I thank God that He helped me come out of that funk AND lose the loser. I’m so much better now in so many ways and free from that horrible relationship. This was a great video that will help so many folks. Thank you!

[@jesselizcher]

Amen

[@katherinecolson2350]

Amen to that

[@jackiebridges7138]

I'm so happy I'm single especially after reading comments i get flirted with a lot but tell them I'm just not interested it's so much fun being single coming and going on my terms no drama it's just wonderful being independent..

[@sarahhetuiup]

I had a guy who liked me, but didn’t want commitment. It was so confusing because he gave me so much and treated me so well. He was using me, but didn’t show the signs of not caring

[@passerby6168]

By commitment you mean legal marriage?

[@sarahhetuiup]

@@passerby6168 I mean he didn’t want to be in a long term relationship but was over the top interested in me and took care of me

[@cassidy841]

I suggest that you better judge his words and deeds with your heart, because I have just experienced a boy who is very similar to you. I finally trusted my instincts and cut him off around four weeks. Turns out he's a liar and a player

[@misslogical90]

Also watch out for narcissists (both sexes of course) because they will pretend to be your hero and to genuinely care about you, and they will future fake, etc... They will even 'commit' to you.

[@vkrgfan]

Notice, there are a lot of coaches teaching you how to get into relationship but not many talking about how to recognize toxic behaviour and how to get out of those types of relationship.

[@arnelevans4803]

Exactly

[@sarahb.art.a8100]

I experienced this with my first boyfriend. He told me everything I wanted to hear for the first three years of us dating. The one part that still confuses me about our relationship is he would ask me why I wouldn't just "let him in all the way" and trust him when I took my time to get to know him until I felt comfortable knowing I could truly trust him. He showed me how little he cared about me the second he started getting what he wanted from me. But him asking why I wouldn't let my guard down had me thinking he did actually care about me.

[@violet807]

Oh deja Vu! My ex also said, "Fall into me, I am an abyss." He was only there for what he could get

[@autumn5852]

Snap

[@beejjas3321]

Exactly My story my first relationship was a big user a ugly man

[@beejjas3321]

Sarah your story a mine are exactly the same only i came out the winner exes get their karma

[@morinerwehumbiza2408]

@@aprayerandpositivethoughts9308 exactly!

[@coleengoodell7523]

Also please keep in mind that a user will never stop. You can't change them no matter how wonderful you are. It has nothing to do with your worth. You could be the most beautiful, successful, funniest, fun whatever that they'd ever hope to meet, but they will still be looking, still be using you and still emotionally abuse you. They have and will do this to anyone and everyone that happens to be unfortunate enough to cross their path. Even if they do get married at some point or settle down, the relationship will never be balanced and he will more than likely emotionally abuse, cheat and take, take, take in the relationship. Once you get out, don't let them keep you on the string to pull back in or pick up and put down like a bored toddler with an old toy, because they will if let them.

[@SouthernGirl89]

Men also use women to raise their children for them.

[@christywerpy63]

yeah, got that right. that was the biggest mistake in my second marriage. he was just looking for a mom for his 3 boys who never accepted me. now grown men who play the same games.

[@Happygirlalwaysnomatter]

This guys is SOOOOO Spot On. Thank you I was dating a guy for 3 yrs and when he proposed I actually sat down and realized HE would be the biggest mistake of my life. I always wondered if I made the right decision. I did thank you for this video.

[@motorcyclehair]

Awww. For the women in a tough breakup or going through a divorce....the last part of this video is really sweet. Thanks for putting that in there. This advice is really amazing-the last great book I read years ago that offered advice from both male/female perspective, "He's just not that into you," was harsh-but true. Thank you for putting out content & writing books related to this topic. Really glad I found this channel.

[@joviahbirungi9992]

This is exactly me in my current relationship 🥲. Everytime I call it off, he pretends to be good & changes for like a week after which he goes back to the old him 😭.

[@sosha4050]

Narcissist, he will NEVER change

[@ashleys1655]

NEVER! I was married to one for 10 years. I can’t even tell you how many times I was in that scenario. Leave for your own sanity now! 🫶🏻

[@MsSweets0211]

Leave

[@joyceahfong5500]

leave. the person will never change. will say can’t change myself won’t be the same. will be hard but in the end ur heart, sanity, family and others matter

[@MONA-pw8mu]

Just leave him. I hate when women do this to themselves. I get we don’t choose who we love but you yourself know it’s not right. And you’re here watching this video. I literally just ended a situation ship with a narc after finding out he was in a 6 year relationship. He treats the girl like shit and she still took him back after me and her talked about it. You’ll end up stuck if you don’t leave because of “history”. You deserve better

[@alchemicalsoul]

Allow your time with that type of man to heal your attachment issues. Your insecurities and negative core beliefs will be triggered. Recognize them and work through the grief process. Process your traumas, learn to bring your energy back to yourself and your own goals. He will return. You may put up with his bs a little longer, but don't beat yourself up. Just remember the more you process your issues, the more you will be repelled by him with each passing day. Eventually you will shut the door for good. Best to all.

[@amab3052]

Love this !

[@kk70x7]

Just ended things with someone I had been seeing for nearly 6 months. My spidey senses had been going off for a long time but I was being too nice I suppose. Genuine, good hearted people take awhile to figure out that others are not what they seem. I wish they would stop wasting our time...

[@mayluz444]

Everyone use each other in romantic relationships. Only a very small percentage knows how to love freely. And in all honesty most people don't worth giving up your freedom for.

[@autumn5852]

So not everyone uses people then 🤔

[@mandynam7581]

This is the most sincere thing I've heard people say in a while.

[@lizh1970]

So you admit to using people then say everyone is the same x

[@AnnaPanama]

1st of all, great video, thank you so much for sharing. Truly helped open my eyes. Upon reading all these comments, of men and women meeting these kinds of "covert users", I have to say it is just sad that these users don't realize how much of their own time they are wasting. Not being honest, not being committed, giving minimal effort, saying things you don't mean, being self involved, NOT making that person you're with a real friend, even if you don't consider them your best friend, keeping them in the dark... it's such a disgraceful and hindering way of life. Everything you're using people for, you are missing out on getting naturally from a balanced and open relationship. What I'm trying to say, is all these users are really causing the same damage to themselves and wasting their own time as well, which is why these people and their attitudes are so pointless/useless. They're digging their own holes and hoping to bury others along with them. Very depressing and juvenile. These people need help and should be cast out of society and friendships until they face their actions head on with responsibility. Also want to agree with anyone that noticed that the familes of covert users play a huge part in being ENABLERS of this behavior and shutting out the other person not in the family. When you meet people like this the only solution is to pick up the pieces, don't expect or look for closure, remind yourself how much you love yourself and keep going. Don't settle, don't fall for it when they ask you back. These people don't change. They've gotten away with being like this before and will do it again. As far as playing hard to get goes, so that you can keep their attention, in my opinion any relationship you have to pretend you're something you're not in order to keep the other person's interest, is a failure. If men think this way as a default, then they are failing themselves. Relationships with deep soul connections are so much better, mentally and emotionally, as well as sexually. Let these immature and desperate people go.

[@lovelove-jx9qt]

Wow thank you for this perspective. You made such good points.

[@Freespiritedqueen]

YES!! Someone had to say it. Seasoned with life experience dealing with mofo like what he said. Had to walk away several times to realize...I LOVE ME!

[@mabinogidrws]

Red flags: All or most of his friends are women (and I guarantee he's either slept with them or will try to). He tells you flat out he's "not ready" for a relationship (meaning you're not the one). He'll invite you over last minute instead of making plans in advance (booty call). He gets angry over weird things, like talking to people about your time spent together, even if innocent (he's keeping secrets). His social media is locked down so you can't see who he's interacting with. You're always left confused about where you stand.

[@courtzz9046]

was me throughout my 2 year relationship :((

[@amyjoseph3914]

Must I really connect on social media with someone I’m dating?

[@courtzz9046]

@@amyjoseph3914 how do you mean? If you’re talking about things like replying on socials all the time then no..

[@cynderellylastname6060]

@@amyjoseph3914 It depends. What reason do you have for not wanting to? Particularly if you're with someone in a committed relationship. I don't think it's a red flag if you're just seeing them, personally.

[@angellinegirl]

Sounds like my ex... thank God I got out of that relationship. To add to this, there would always be some "new female friends" coming out of the woodwork every few months, and then I found out he'd been sleeping with one of them for months. Also, he always introduced me to all of his friends as "his friend " not girlfriend and when confronted about it he said he cared about me more than friends. Then there were days when he was completely quiet or not reply to one question for days, I would sometimes wonder if he'd died in an accident 🤔😅.... So happy I dumped his ass.

[@thomasaseymour1165]

I married one! It didn’t last long but hurt so much…desperate and alone was my name at the time…thank god that’s over! Narcissist kill!!

[@silvanaprivitera6192]

My ex fits all the 9 signs. I left him.

[@HeartBreakHigh]

10 out of 10 for this video. All of your points were 100% spot on! 🙌🏾

[@AmericanEagle33333]

I went through this with a narcissistic husband for eight years and now waiting for divorce to be finalized and started a better relationship with new partner and we very compatible. Thank you for sharing this message I hope it helps a lot of people.

[@angelawatts260]

They want all the goods bits but deep discussions are out of the question as they make him too uncomfortable. He'll promise you the world but it never materialises. You'll tell him something he does makes you uncomfortable but he still does it regardless. He devalues your opinion and invalidates you at every opportunity.... And the list goes on.....

[@allthingsjana7870]

Yup that's why I left

[@Beautifuldays8685]

I love how confident and at ease u can talk about relationships

[@lexcorp213]

I did find a man that had from 2 to 8. especially the emotionally unavailable part and always about him. I felt like crap after he discarded me. Its been 6 months of no contact and at times I still cry from the humiliation. He was seeing his ex the whole time he was gaslighting and love bombing. Videos like these are great, I've learn so much, thank you.

[@totalhealth-anewperspectiv9581]

your line he is not your "project" has changed my life, why do we always believe we can change him...God Bless you for your work. Thanks for opening my eyes

[@semmoursnoussi9159]

Thanks for your video. It's an eye opener. Actually I started it while thinking "who among my past boyfriends or husband was a user?". And obviously I saw a few... But then I discovered I had sometimes been a user too without even labeling my behaviour as such.. And I'm a woman! I think that's why subconsciously I decided years ago to remain alone. At least I can't hurt or be hurt.

[@marissasharp9892]

This video randomly popped up in my feed today. Wow! I for sure needed to watch this! I got used by both of my abusive ex-husbands. After I got free, a man at my new job was flirting with me. He got to where he only wanted to text, he made excuses for why he couldn’t come see me, and eventually ghosted me. I have no idea what I did “wrong” to him, but maybe it was God’s protection from falling for another user. Thanks for speaking out the truth and making women aware of these types of men! I know there’s good guys out there. Just seems harder and harder to find these days. God bless you and all on here! ❤

[@RapturereadyforJesus]

Jesus really does protect us! After I left the x narcissist I went to church, just to find out the small congregation was filled with narcs. Now I just hang onto Jesus. I am tired of dealing with mean hearted people.

[@youtubeuploads7208]

he wasn't for you either.. you deserve the world. all of us who have been abused by narcissistic gaslighters deserve the world.. we are the normal ones.

[@clairexxx0405]

Thank you 🐸 You're videos always make me think, yes it's true these signs are like beacons of flashing lights... But when our emotions are involved our judgement can blur what is obvious to others outside the relationship... Thank you Brian 🤗

[@blessall8856]

When the woman needs support or comforting, the user will block it. That's exactly what a user does!👍

[@wenidog]

You can add under #9 the man who just needs a stand-in mom or childcare provider for his children from his previous relationship.

[@toibocks3201]

My mom has been in a 12 year relationship with this dude who's less than half her age. I wouldn't care about that if he loved her, but what I see is him using her for a place to stay for cheap, while making her give him rides everywhere instead of getting his own car, he gets a whole room of the apartment to himself for no extra money (they pay half each but he gets one of the two rooms to himself & the other is their bedroom) he's not ever affectionate with her unless it's obligatory but even then not in public. Plus he makes her do all the housework bc she's retired & every day he spends at least 15 minutes going off about any small thing he can find to complain about. He's cheated on her multiple times... the worst part is watching my mom try to believe him & forgive him & be sweet to him hoping he'd love her back... not to be morbid but it feels like he's just going to stick around preventing her from ever being with someone who treats her like they love her until she's gone.. I hate him so much even though I try really hard not to hate.. my mom literally doesn't even believe she's attractive anymore & if you saw my mom & knew her age you'd be blown away she's still gorgeous.. but she feels like she needs him financially & I guess emotionally..it's literally the most heartbreaking situation in my life.

[@grandmajane2593]

A relationship like this is very dangerous. You know there is a possiblity that the man could sue your mother for support when or if she tries to break up with him. People don't realize how serious these situations can be.

[@monikavarro2020]

This is why I'm single. 🙂

[@Msminimumdose]

Same here - I see most of my middle aged divorced friends being used, exactly as described but they just don’t see it, even though they’re confused and upset (and off load on me sometimes) yet refuse to see the obvious! 😢

[@Emily_Paris]

Like Karen Carpenter’s song says “ I say goodbye to love”. It’s the best thing for me. Freedom and no more heartaches is a good thing in my life.

[@infjfemale200]

Me too!

[@elliegoulding744]

Better alone than with bad company for a second.

[@SDsearcher]

Me too, Monika. Me too.

[@gelnextdoor5814]

Thank you so much for this information. It definitely opens my eyes. Being a nice girl has put me in this situation for too long.

[@youtubeuploads7208]

ME TOO :-( HELP! want to end it because I am being gaslighted by this narcissist who I thought I was in love with we do only what HE wants to do nevermnd me always driving and paying my own meals etc.

[@gr8fulgirl469]

Unfortunately I experienced all these things because I thought I was the exception people at his work and his own friends told me you're a nice woman get away from him he is not nice to women.. But I stayed because I really believed he loved me.. I found out what a narcissist is From experience And it ruined me from trusting myself to Choose a healthy partner.

[@esthertrozzi161]

These things are so true! I was married to a man who was a user, abusive, controlling, and unfaithful. These behaviors started out, just as this video said by slowly "turning up the heat". I was only able to break free from this relationship after first my boss, and then his own grandmother pointed it out to me!!

[@confusedwhynot]

Wow! This is my husband in a nutshell. When he decided he could get what he wanted anymore he walked out. We were married for over 32 years with three children. Our youngest just turned 19 and her dad didn't even reach out. He also has a son from a previous marriage. Honestly I feel stupid because I should have been alert to the red flags. We have grandchildren and he never reached out to our grandchildren.

[@RapturereadyforJesus]

Don’t feel stupid. We good people never seem to see it coming.

[@Shani8474]

Some are asking how your day was, help you out and listen to you and still are not really interested in you and using it as a tool to make you think they are interested. Its not only black and white. There are so many greyzones that seem like they are caring and really feel something for you but still not. I have been through it. Very hurtful when you realize it after giving all.

[@earthdakini]

Spot on description of how a user operates.

[@saltycat662]

There are a lot of women who are aware of who their boyfriend/husband is and choose to stay anyway. I know several women who complain about the cheating and abuse but when you tell him they should leave, they suddenly change their attitudes and defend him. It's always "He's a jerk. He's using me. He cheats. Oh but he's not that bad". I know several who are married to narcissists for 20+ years and they have no intention of leaving. I suspect these women are Borderlines too. Narcissists and Borderlines go together like bread and butter. The non disordered women eventually wake up and move on.

[@Mirror_My_Ambition]

I had one of these guys. I didn't stay long but it was longer than I should've. Lesson learned and I'm better for it 😁

[@strawberrymins]

This is so spot on I wished I knew back then but oh well, better later than never, I’m much better at spotting it now ( he had all 9…. All guys who were ever so called “interested”)

[@jessicawilliamson1230]

This is an excellent video for young women. This is just common sense to women over 30. Most women know what is going on but their insecurities rule.

[@BigDaddey100]

Sadly I’m in love with a female that fits every single thing that you have just spoken. I appreciate your video and ladies please know that women do this as well but that doesn’t mean that all men are the same or women for that matter. But those people surely make it harder for the next person. Peace love and blessings.

[@nightingaleforrest]

Women already know that some women also do this. There is also an abundance of videos tailoured to men and highly critical of women. This video is tailoured to women. Hence why certain types of men are discussed.

[@lasenoritacometa1977]

The way you perceived love as a child is the way you approach love as an adult. You deserve better and you know you do. Good luck ❤

[@user-mv2tg8hc8c]

True, us women can be just as bad.

[@jesterjigs9914]

Female covert narcacist videos Your welcome

[@CompostWatcher]

I’ve known some.

[@03khood]

A lot of this makes so much sense to me about my husband. I have not heard anything that was mentioned in the video. At the same time, some things are not accurate. Yet there are so many signs that are there. The hard part is we are going on 20 years of marriage.

[@Indyghurl]

I was with my now ex husband for nearly 3 decades. Don't stay out of FOG - Fear, Obligation or Guilt of abuse. It's awful the first time you really accept your partner is an abuser of whatever kind. Knowing they take great delight in making you feel worthless is a bitter pill to swallow. But with knowledge comes power, so learn all you can about toxic relationships and make any decisions that work for you and you alone, and that includes not doing anything too. This is your life, your journey no one else's. Stay strong and don't be afraid, there's many people out here online that know and get what you're going through

[@jus_breonna_]

I wish I saw this months ago cause it would be saving me so much hurt and pain that I'm going thru at this moment. Thanks for this video!

[@ladosis5596]

I boyfriend of mine told me that "I needed to downscale my lifestyle if I wanted to spend any significant time with him". I never expected him to pay for stuff, we usually shared the expenses, and if I picked a more expensive activity, I paid for the whole thing. He just couldn't handle that I made more money and that I DIDN'T CARE. He resented his ex wife for needing his financial contribution, and he resented me for not needing it. He wanted fwb disguised as a GF.

[@susane945]

Makes me puke. I know a guy like this. EXACTLY like this. Yes, he's a User. Ticks all of Brian's boxes. Thanks Brian. Very insightful and helpful video as usual for us girls. ❤️

[@luisaritosa9700]

Learn all about narcissism, and NPD, and you will be fine...

[@jilladams7573]

I had a friend who dated a guy and they went to this really swanky restaurant and at the end of the meal, he told her he forgot his wallet (he'd also did this a few times before, too) and my friend actually paid for his meal. I was so shocked that I asked 'why didn't you just pay for yourself, get up an leave and just leave him there?' This had never occurred to her 😮

[@2_blAck]

Damn! I’m a woman and I don’t want the responsibility of a relationship either🤦🏽‍♀️😭😂😂😂 I drive a lease so it’s the dealership’s problem.

[@CodeGrayHere]

8:21 affirms my suspicion that never being invited along when his friends from out of town would visit and they would go out was a very bad sign, one of the many red flags I just willfully ignored. 😨

[@Sarafara7]

For sign number 7, I think it’s extremely important to be independent of your bf/gf. If he wants to hang out with friends then he should. If she wants to hangout with her friends then she should. Couples that are joined at the hip are kinda annoying.

[@Ursaminor31]

We attract the values we hold for ourselves.

[@lizh1970]

What kind of mumbo jumbo is this x

[@elnosworld9893]

I thought that was well done thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and Ivory posted it because I think today of all times this is the most challenging part to find a suitable partner and I don’t think most people have healthy dating habits so they might have a low self-esteem they might have insecurities they might have conditioning from childhood that would interfere with them making educated decision so it’s important to educate therefore I hope that someone gets something valuable out of your video because I know All of that resonated for me but I’m also 54 year old woman I’m thankful that I’m not silly enough to be on dating networks or meet ups or whatever else people are doing out there out of desperation I’m perfectly happy being by myself and I enjoy my own company but I do admit it would be really nice to have a best friend Who are you learn to trust who is your tried-and-true your confidant and the person you can bare your soul to

[@kokonutisagiantnut8381]

Cry my eyes out while listening to the whole vid

[@andiea7358]

Brian, you're like the big brother with great advice I never got. I appreciate all your videos and own most of your books! I've been able to make wise decisions in dating, though I'm still working on perfection. I thank God for you! Keep up the great work!

[@innervoicejargon]

Yeah I met a few users. I am a sucker for the ones you want a nurse. My last ex was like this. Couldn’t support me but always needed help of listening to and stuff. Always disappearing into his problems for weeks without warning. Claiming he was a burden.

[@innervoicejargon]

He even told me that he was never really in love with me and then took it back…I dumped a bunch of emails on him and his current gf found out and is upset apparently. Yeah but it’s obvious that he was using me as a wet blanket.

[@geyeeegeyeee7510]

Too late, i already did met him. But I'm moving forward and really getting better. Doors are opening for us ladies! 💅

[@riquipoo5578]

Guess this explains why I have been single since 2006🙄

[@kellywade8275]

🤸🏼‍♀🤸🏼‍♀🔥🔥🥇🥇🏆🏆

[@jackiesanders1561]

Yep, info, though very informative, is definitely too late for me... especially this last one, guilty of all of them basically but never asked to borrow anything of mine. Definitely a hot mess!!! But I definitely know what to look for if I ever I give anyone else a chance. This last one took me over the edge, and I was already over! Thank you for sharing!

[@FreeSpokenOne]

Brilliant advice! When I was a teen my oldest brother told me one day that a man will say anything to get to me. Unfortunately he gave no actual examples and the rest I had to traverse on my own but I was able to figure this out quickly enough.

[@Accrovideogames]

You could gender swap the roles and everything that is being said in the video remains true. The same goes if both partners are of the same sex. I'm a man and I was a victim of a woman who did #9 to me. As soon as I noticed, I broke up with her. She was extremely clingy and needy, having only ever been in toxic relationships with narcissists. She has Dependent Personality Disorder. She always needed my help to make decisions, but never actually followed my advice because of her reluctance to let go of things that are toxic to her but that she's addicted to like a drug. When I realised she prioritized her unhealthy addiction over the wellbeing of her future children, it was over. She desperately wants children because she thinks it'll make her happy, but she doesn't think about her children's needs. She's going to use them to fill a void inside her. She used me because she pathologically needs to feel loved and be taken care of. She's aware that she's a magnet to narcissists and that she's miserable because of it, but like a junkie she's incapable of withdrawing from her drug. What she doesn't realize is that her behavior is the reason why she constantly makes non narcissists run away from her, myself included. The type of stuff she tolerates because of her addiction is incredible. She lets her possessive boyfriends control her whole life; who she can hang out with, which activities she can do, what she can't do with them in public, etc. She even allows her abusive boyfriends to check her cellphone and bank account. She has to do errands for her lazy boyfriends and pick up their trash. She allows herself to be treated like an object in front of others. She has to do everything her tyrannical boyfriends demand or suffer the consequences: tamper tantrums, violence, verbal abuse, gaslighting, etc. She even tolerated her pedophile boyfriend of seven years because she was afraid of losing him. And there I was, wishing and trying to fix her as if it was some kind of mission I gave myself. I put so much time and effort into it, but all it ended up doing was hurting me. It was so stressful and unhealthy. I cracked and allowed myself to cry like a baby. As soon as our relationship was about me, she shut me off. I suddenly wasn't "man enough" for crying and I was being "selfish" for telling her that I couldn't help her anymore. She became the abuser. She punished me and I somehow needed to find a way to regain her favor and get back in line. Yeah, that wasn't going to happen. I ended it right there.

[@luisaritosa9700]

Learn all about narcissism, and NPD, and you will be fine...

[@traceyrichardson9550]

You both had your issues, sadly she still has hers.

[@jenandbarrys5580]

The reason why people might say "men" is because, as feminists have noticed, there's a system of oppression of women and of glorification of men, called patriarchy. Feminists have studied it, wrote about it, and it generalizes. Men and women are raised in a world that glorifies men and ridicules women. That's why, for example.ple, the two previous commenters are fawning over you: you'd expect such behavior from females to males, but you'd never expect to see two male commenters fawning over a woman who left a long winded history of her crappy ex

[@englishdecorator]

Pot kettle

[@elevenpoisons2484]

I'm happy she didn't threaten s*icide, many people like that tend to use that trick and it freaks out the other party because it's hard to tell if they will go through with it or not. You think, what's worse? Staying or the small possibility they are serious. I never went through this but my mum sure has. So glad she kicked him out last year

[@Deborahtunes]

I wish I had all this advice 20 years ago. Wasted 8 years on a man I was so in love with. Of course he didn't return those feelings. Right before I broke up with him, I said: "You're a user & a player". His response: "I'm not emotionally challenged"...

[@elevenpoisons2484]

1. He most likely is using you if you often ask the question to yourself

[@Ruspsycho]

As a psychologist I totally agree 😎 Fast and simple explanation! I hope more women (and men!) will look around a bit in their relationships and not act automatically…

[@karladoane7323]

Well thank you for mentioning the red flags. Now know that's a lot of the stuff I was experiencing in a relationship wasn't just my imaginaion.

[@josiepedere1316]

It's hard to find honest man nowadays if he has so many options right Infront of him..usually I have noticed now are after one thing from a woman nothing less and secondly he knows if you have your own money he will stick to you like a bee to a honey of course you'll spend your money for him ,too. I rather spend my money to myself and enjoy life without a Man

[@wendyhare1600]

Loved this - so many check marks - you forgot to mention if Mommy is first - RUN !

[@sweetsimple5280]

Brian, could you please make a video of a man who keeps a woman hanging? Telling her that he's insanely in love and often giving the cold shoulder too?

[@jennifern.5305]

I love that your subtle signs are fairly generalizable to non romantic relationships as well.