When to Break No Contact | Coach Ken

[@kennethogorman5436]

Shucks I love her but I’m letting her go. “Not quite enemies Not quite friends. Just strangers with some memories”

[@IAMTIMBUTLER]

I’ll add one more: If they walked away and you were still willing to fight to keep the relationship, you were willing to make changes and acknowledged mistakes or whatever it was and they still decided to leave. - You NEVER break no contact. Not for closure, not for anything. They already know how you feel and know what you want and at the very least they can send YOU a text or call. - If they can’t do that, the bare minimum. Know your worth and never reach out for any reason. It’s going to suck it’s going to hurt but with time and actually doing the work you need on yourself, you’ll realize you don’t need them.

[@outroseok]

I agree.

[@IAMTIMBUTLER]

@@outroseok ❤️

[@sheliasmith2884]

Amen

[@Ckyt572]

I was about to break it after 3 months... But then I remembered when he said (in our first weeks of relationship) he was planning everything and he had to say good morning every morning and so like he was "chasing" me.., like I was not worth it?... I am a wonderful woman that put in real work in our relationship. that was SO disrespectful, like gaslighting.

[@IAMTIMBUTLER]

@@Ckyt572 yeah it just sounds like he’s trying to put the responsibility on you instead of him. But ultimately if he broke up with you it’s his job to reach out

[@pmdal]

When to break? When you dont have anxiety.

[@desmondbaxter2449]

so true what you are saying i hurt her and i never meant to its all my fault, love her so much, she did everything for me, now its killing me, we are still living together with two beautiful children, i feel like i lost her forever

[@Strawberriezrule13]

This is a great rule of thumb! I don't respond to my ex when i'm feeling anxious or even slightly craving their approval / connection. I outwait those feelings before responding, even if it takes a day or two. A late response is better than a needy response anyway. You will unintentionally come off as desperate or more emotionally invested in the exchange if you interact from an anxious place. And if you were previously the one chasing (like I was), the last thing you wanna do is to convey (through your overeager-ness) that the dynamic still hasn't changed -- that your ex can pop up out of nowhere after consistently de-prioritizing you or giving mixed signals, and that you'll *still* be waiting and bending over backwards for even a crumb of their attention. 1) That behavior isn't attractive to them, and 2) You deserve better than that!

[@lindseyabell7496]

Coach Ken, Your videos helped me through a very hard time in my life. At first I couldn’t comprehend how to go on without him. I tried no contact and it was so hard. We met a few times to tie things up. I officially got to a point where I was ready to move on and i improved my life, got a new job, moved cities, got a nice place. I felt confident again. The resilience you speak about is what made him come back. I was certain we were completely over and I was starting over again, but he came back and we connected on another level. I now have a happy career and the love of my life back. Thank you

[@kagamitaiga9167]

happy for you, how long did it takes until he contacts you again?

[@freetinkerer3878]

I needed to read this 🥺

[@freetinkerer3878]

I needed to read this 🥺

[@freetinkerer3878]

I needed to read this 🥺

[@outroseok]

I honestly don't plan to break no contact. He knows I am willing to try again and he knows how much I care for him/love him, I've stated it. He will either reach out in time once he realizes my importance in his life or I will find someone who does appreciate me, I broke no contact a few times the first week or so of the breakup bc I couldn't stand the thought of not talking to him but it never got me anything except short 1-5 word responses. He has ways to reach me and will do so when (if) he's ready. It's very hard but I've been through this (the last time was literally with my first love and man I planned to marry) so I know I can go through it again, I know it gets easier with each passing day.

[@sheliasmith2884]

Yes it does i have been in no contact for 4 months because he took me for granted and now I'm in the num stage.see love is not suppose to hurt we deserve better we are not no ones option.

[@illahee24]

How long in NC? I did it for basically an entire year+

[@dontignore5567]

Never realized that she went numb, because I didnt validate her, didnt appreciate her, didnt try to put in work on our relationship. I blamed her for leaving me, called her slut and whatever. Never realized she begged for me from past whole year, to do these things. Anyway, I was waiting for her after two months of strict no contact, now it makes sense why she will never contact me again. I think I got my closure finally. Thanks Ken. Moving on, as I lost her.

[@unoqualsiasi7341]

Dude you don't need to realize shit. She clearly need to tell you! In a relationship you fight in 2. Fk her!. You lost nothing.

[@blank2819]

Exes come back bro all the time just don’t reach out within 3 years if not drop bread crumbs on her

[@dontignore5567]

@@blank2819 🤣🤣

[@rianreboucas7341]

This is exactly my case, now I'm doing therapy in order to be able to validate other people. I hope that by dealing with my childhood trauma I'll be able to overcome the issues that lead to the ending of my relationship

[@dontignore5567]

She came back, we in relationship again, and I found out she was the problem

[@tylermoore7755]

My relationship was as he described as only one month, but absolute fireworks.... I felt compelled to break no contact today after 31 days and I broke it. The fear that I was in no contact for almost longer than we were together really got to me and made me feel like she was moving on and forgetting me... stay strong in no contact. She has not responded to my text and now I am feeling regret about breaking it.

[@tylermoore7755]

@bb-hu4li She did respond the next day. However, that was the end of the conversation. I found out a few days later from her snapchat story that she was with another guy, and so I took that as my sign to try to let go and move on. I had to remove her from social media as it's not conducive to my healing to be potentially seeing anything that she posts. Back up to roughly another month of no contact now.

[@ADayInTheLifeOfJames]

One month 😂 bro that’s not a relationship

[@drajay8671]

Felt sorry for your loss

[@Strongmindset888]

Don’t break no contact

[@marcdriggers3335]

We just talked about this today. I think when you get to a point to where you don’t care about the outcome anymore, is a good time to break it. Everyone’s situation is different, I know for me when I broke no contact, I didn’t really care either way on what happened. I think if you break no contact you have to be in the right headspace to break it, and to not be emotionally involved.

[@jamesgraves9858]

I live with a lot of regrets over the whole thing but I know that I tried. I know there is no more I could have done. I could only have done less and maybe it would have worked better if I had but I think I lived the whole thing genuinely and according to myself so I can't regret it. I think one day she'll understand just how hard it was for me and just how much I tried. I know that I deserve an apology for her part and it wasn't me that was always in the wrong. Until that day when she's willing to swallow some of her pride... I'm no contact.

[@sheliasmith2884]

Amen I agree I'm in the same boat we are not going to bow down to no one.

[@charzanboo9940]

It's like you wrote out the thoughts I've been having for the longest time. Thank you.

[@mountainman88]

Exactly how I see it too. You can only be genuine and do your best. No regrets. But there is a moment when one needs to walk away.

[@fastheartmartvideos]

"Take a deep breath" I love Coach Ken 💙

[@steven67-YLT]

Every time he says take a deep breath, I do. Seriously.

[@rikmang]

Never break it..just go be happy.

[@antonioskarasulas7604]

I had a break in no contact which I think was both reasonable, and maybe beneficial. It's only been a couple of weeks and I have maintained no contact, but we have joint pets that live in my home. I have not directly denied her access to our babies, but as we are in no contact it hasn't come up. One of our dogs has a disability that got worse recently, and today she was walking unaided for the first time. I sent my ex a photo, with no comment. She responded with hearts. I did not say anything further, she just got the photo. It was fair to her to show her little Luna's dramatic improvement. I don't feel this is breaking no contact, and there won't be any more puppy photos from now on either, just a one off sharing of news.

[@CoachKen]

It's not a make or break move- normally I'd say (and feel bad for saying it) to let them have the full impact of your loss, pets included since she chose to leave BUT I admire your heart and empathy and it isn't the type of reach out based on what you said that would have communicated need or desperation as much as it showed you have a thoughtful sensitive nature not just for her but for your dog as well. Don't feel like you broke anything.

[@beatitcreep.]

My ex broke up with me a week after his father passed away. He told me his mother was going to move in with him. She's extremely intrusive and I tried to have a conversation with him about setting boundaries with her, so we could privacy and intimacy. He ended our relationship instead. I feel like I was perfectly reasonable. That woman wore my bathing suit without asking me first, and took it to her place to wash it without me ever being consulted, for Christ's sake! Boundaries, please!

[@phillipjackson5727]

Never. Not 1 year, not 10 years. Self respect.

[@SFragger100]

Hey Coach, your homie from Malta here. Had a coaching call a coupla months back, on top of multiple with Rex, and being part of your community :) I remember you saying....your choice, but I wouldn't continue. A month later,people told me some nasty shit she said, so got worked up myself. Got blocked. Described as a monster. So...yeah. today's her birthday. Not bowing down, self respect.

[@CoachKen]

I remember the call! Stay strong Man from Malta!

[@SFragger100]

@@CoachKen thanks coach ....yeah. did not send her any birthday text :) At this point...broken up for seven months, blocked on social media for two...i'm seeing the situation as hopeless. But maybe as you said in another video, the only thing left is if she seeing I am not contacting her whatsoever might give her pause... At this point, nothing more i can do tbh

[@magdasz1987]

I don’t see why would u make it easier for someone who dumped u. If they want u, they will find a way to contact u. Breaking no contact with someone who said they don’t want u in their life shows weakness in my opinion.

[@sheliasmith2884]

Yep

[@ADH9093]

My situation is complex. I was in a relationship for 5 months. We are not living together but we were working towards it. Throughout the relationship, I had difficulty communicating, usually answering her calls on time or responding too late for messages as I was very busy. Another reason for lack of motivation to answer her call is her negative talk. These led us to repeated altercations. I threatened to break up several times but had to yield to her begging a couple of times. Fast forward, she traveled abroad and upon return, I failed to receive her at the airport and visit her. Following this, she decided to break up but it was stopped by her friends who mediated to us. I sincerely apologized for everything including past and present for all blame whether they are accurate or not just to cool her down. This behavior inflated her ego and she displayed arrogance and told me she would need time to return to normalcy. But she is making things very tough for me as if she wants me to break up. She clearly mentioned how beautiful I was when I first met her and how ugly I have become now :). I was wondering whether I should enter NC or maintain minimal contact.

[@katogojira7223]

Everything you said I also did She texted me saying she cheated on me the whole six months n she is a hoe Etc . What do u think y she said that I did accused her of cheating constantly maybe that's why she texted that?

[@nino_94]

Very useful content that gives a larger light on the possible cases we can encounter after a break up, understanding them with the coherent thought frame of breakup dynamics including: - usual no contact timeframe vs special ones in case of rebound or conflict etc, - self respect, - pain triggered untrue apologies, - dangers of breaking no contact Helping me a lot to assimilate those understandings and progress

[@illahee24]

Also want to add that post breakup, I didn't reach out to her. She reached out to me but I felt breadcrumbed and that led me to ignore her and then when I reached out I said I need/needed time and space to move on.

[@Xtinanina16]

This video is everything I needed to hear :( I did the ghosting because I couldn’t bare the pain of him wanting to end things with me and remain friends ? I went through so much pain and was embarrassed that I might beg knowing that is what would make him run away from me even more… it’s now been 2 years and now I moved on somewhat… I’d be lying if I said I didn’t still have feelings it just doesn’t hurt as bad. I was planning to reach out after a few months as my therapist recommended but then life happened and time passed I still felt unready to face him. He comes to my mind often and I get emotional happy and sad just knowing he’s out there and I can’t no longer be in his life… I know I have to make things right somehow… 2 years is a long time and I don’t blame him if he’s mad at me but I do want him to understand why I had to. I do care about him and I want him to know that I shouldn’t have ghosted him like that without having a proper conversation first he deserved at least that much as he was never a bad person… he is someone I loved so much.

[@Me-np8fb]

The hard reality is if she broke the bond, she broke the trust..if she returns undertand she has had sex with another. Do you want her back after she has been pumped and dumped? Think about it. It will disgust you. You will never feel love for her, just distrust.

[@di114n2]

lol that’s a bit extreme . Not every single girl just goes and gets smashed right after a breakup

[@joshuagriffith7189]

Been catastrophizing quite a bit lately but I realised the evidence has been positive and I have handled everything well without begging or any negatives. Saw her with her ex just hanging out. Not bothered by it as he is quite a mess and easy company for her while she’s missed me. Been 97 days or so. Made my point, genuine mindset but also it’s normal to feel hypersensitive (also got ADHD!), is what it is. My confidence lies in her and I and what we share and our vibe. I don’t want to overthink her challenges, reason she ever wanted me and wants me is I’m cheeky and outrageously confident with her. I used to think just do no contact and let’s see but I’m starting to realise I was wrong. I worked on myself and I’m not feeling great today per se because I got triggered by seeing her yesterday in passing. Letting that made up fuss in my head go. It’s purely biological. Will check in with her tomorrow in any case. Naturally conflicted on some level but I don’t want to waste any time. I miss her indeed but the feeling is mutual. So let’s roll with it. Her fooling around doesn’t convince me of any challenge. Wishing everyone the absolute best!

[@russ123321bunya]

How did it go mate?

[@jumpedintheriverwhatdidise5499]

My ex gaslighted me. She would say passive aggressive things and when I reacted by getting moody/upset she would love bomb so I stayed for far too long. Eventually she accused me of being abusive for getting upset. We've been NC and I've been getting therapy but second guessing everything, wondering if I was the one in the wrong . I'm just staying away for good. But it's been tough.

[@illahee24]

I went NC for 6 months. Wished her a happy birthday and that was it. She did respond but I didn't say anything else for 6 months. In fact, it would have been indefinitely, but I happened to see her when we were walking down the sidewalk. We literally passed each other and didn't say a peep. But we both looked back, and I could sense that she might have either wanted to say something or was confused on why I didn't. I did end up calling her a week later because I was curious if it was her. We talked for a bit and the conversation was very fun and lighthearted. Complete 180 from a year ago. Confused on why she said talk to you again when we were getting off the phone. Also I could tell she was trying to see if I was dating and hint that she isn't either and that she is working on freeing up her schedule. Idk, she's an avoidant so I always figured she would never reach out. Plus I sometimes wonder if NC applies differently between attachment styles and genders.

[@Ckyt572]

My ex bf is an avoidant, I've been in NC for 3 months (we had a 2 month relationship) I guess he'll never reach out. But you know what? I'm starting to feel very sorry for him because he lost a great woman, capable of a relationship, communication, and someone who wanted to love him, that's why he ran to the hills. I don't know if I should reach out for his bday.

[@MissBluebirddays]

​@@Ckyt572 I'm in the same situation. Did you end up wishing them a happy birthday/ reaching out and how did it go?

[@Astrology_Witch_DJ_Lifestyle]

He replied! Thankyou, I went no contact for a day ( as we only broke up a day ago and I was smart enough to Google your advice before it got crazy, phew! ) and I apologized - added a funny memory of eachother Together - as we're quirky like that! But also mentioned in brief after the happy memory - That " I'm strong enough to live without you but I love you enough to give you space " and he's replied!? It worked - crazy he's now asking me " Is this what you want ?" He split with me !? Ok ... Im going to not reply as I know it'll sabotage the " Missing you " period , he has to see my worth too as we never argue! We're like best friends! That's my rule to him to treat eachother like best friends! It's important to me as I respect him as a man and my friend also! He has to see that not all women are like that! I know my worth. But it's kinder to let him breath and think about my value as you mentioned. Thankyou so much for reminding me to hear his feelings too and apologize to him after no contact. Feel like we might be ok? Maybe. If he asked " is this what you want?

[@zonzoli10]

Hello Coach Ken, bro you really know what you're talkin about, when you talk it's almost like you're talking to me. You're right on so many levels, it's crazy... Shaking my head.. anyway thanks for this video it really hit home

[@catherineholland5844]

Mine was a quick and intense one. He broke up with me but said he wanted to stay in touch but he kept ghosting me. He said sorry the first time. Then did it more so I walked away. That was 4.5 months ago. So based on your video, I probably just need to forget him like hes probably forgotten me..

[@djthamlas_tbs]

This man goes deep

[@VonKrieg]

If they are dating someone else it puts a pause on NC. For life.

[@kaziparvez4810]

Disagreed! "What do you have to lose after 90 days?" Your god damn dignity!! Also 90 days isn't enough. It atleast takes about 5-6 months. Work on yourself, let them do that bare minimum of atleast texting you! For your end, no contact shall last a lifetime if they don't reach out.

[@magdasz1987]

exactly

[@outroseok]

I agree, whoever did the breaking up should be the one reaching out. No matter how long it's been.

[@ralstonedwards7375]

You NEVER contact someone who left you... PERIOD!

[@mikeys12]

Dude by 5 or 6 months it’s over you’ve moved on forget it

[@theriway5798]

Providing perspective on different scenarios is very helpful!

[@ryanminor2334]

This is your best one by far. It’s definitely putting me at ease. My ex is in a new relationship and has been for a month. I definitely don’t plan on feeding her ego either. I’m going to stand tall and like Jon snow would say “ not today”. Can’t wait to have my coaching session with you.

[@sheliasmith2884]

Good because you're better than that.

[@BruceJC75]

I’m gonna wait till 6 months to get my heart broken all over again.

[@jgentile34]

It’s been 4 months NC and haven’t heard a word.

[@Nismolover]

Did it change? I just crossed over 3 months

[@jgentile34]

@@Nismolover nope, it’s been over a year. I’ve dated and met many people. Just gotta keep it moving 👍🏼

[@iamjason1279]

How long you two date?

[@luismendoza6672]

What ur opinion when u took her for granted. We were dating for 7 months and broke up 2 weeks ago for a misunderstanding but since i blew up her phone and showed up to her place the day we broke up. She said i crossed the line that day and that she didn’t see a future with me anymore. I apologize for my reaction and explained my intentions after that I respected her decision and told her to get back at me if she change her minds since i had strong feeling for her and left. Since that day may 14 i haven’t reached out or begged. She did say the feeling where mutual and almost cried and went back inside her house.

[@arthurcruz6980]

I caused my wonderful perfect ex girl to go into the numb stage he’s talking about and I’m fighting for my life to let her know I’m sorry and I understand what I did was wrong how it affected her so bad and I’ll never be that person and I’m expressing it should’ve never taken this long to realize to let my shield down to be there for her always and not fight with her so bad in our last fight 💔💔💔💔 I pray my efforts show I ain’t giving up even tho I’m the cause I still care for her deeply and will change 100% it’s just so sad my dumbass couldn’t change for the 100th time we fought

[@Nyumc99]

Spot on Ken. Thank you muchly. Regards from uk. 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

[@BeastieBoy670]

After 90 days and you want to reach out to them in a casual how’s it going way. If that’s not what you must do, how else would you find out if they’re still in a relationship. Surely you can just test the water and if they’re cold or short then you can just go back to no contact again. I don’t know what the right way is anymore.

[@ncfire51]

Well I screwed up by that last video 😂 oh well its been 6 months of no contact so what did I really have to lose? I think it's pretty obvious she's not coming back after 6 months 2023 has been hell January 1st my birthday I get broken up by text, we were supposed to be married by now, 2 months later I talked to a fellow firefighter on the phone I was his Captain I had to medically retire, the next morning I get the phone call that he committed suicide, yesterday my Uncle dies, nobody can tell me shit about pain, I feel like Rocky Balboa when he said he had that beast living in the basement like sometimes he finds it hard to breathe yeah I know that feeling!! I am there

[@InfoForNow]

Some years it's our turn to take the fire. Strong in a similar situation ~

[@LumberMackJ]

My biggest fear is that she knows im doing no contact and if I accidentally confided in the wrong person about my pain and my strategy and that it could’ve potentially got back to her that that Im still hurting. It’s been about 60 days. Still not sure if she knows or not. When in reality I’m doing this for self improvement while I’m also trying to show her strength. I’m still hurt and upset to find out just a week ago she’s in a new relationship with someone who I thought I was friends with originally and who lied and manipulated her, lied to me and made me feel like an idiot for assuming that he liked her a couple months ago. My blood is boiling! Is there anyway I can redeem myself in no contact if they may know I’m upset and hurt about this new relationship potentially?

[@user-ju6zx3rm8d]

you really want her after he has been pumping her?

[@CoachKen]

I recommend even telling your friends and overlapping relationships that you don't want someone who isn't certain they want to be with you and let them hear about that strength from others as well

[@garygreen7104]

​@@CoachKen quick question....if an ex reached but I didn't escalate to setting up a date, we haven't spoken in about a week so would it be breaking no contact if I reach out to them?

[@mcmilnor]

Great advice, Ken. Thanks for all that you do. It helps so many people.

[@jannlewandowski5540]

FANTASTIC video, Ken! You never cease to amaze me! 😉👍

[@anthonygonzales7718]

What if they said they wanted a break from you, and they almost lasted a whole month and then messaged you out of the blue at work and came to visit you at work to get something that your company sells that you know they didn't really need? Should you not reach out afterwards?

[@riceenjoyer4985]

How about I leave a flower and a little inside joke we had at her doorstep when I know she'll come home because it was technically our anniversary that day (about a month after breaking up). There still are a few weeks until then and complete no contact isn't implied because we are in a music band. Why should I do that? Idk that's how I feel I should do. The relationship ended because she had much more past experience, traumas that made her "not being able to give enough" and I, who has never been in a relationship before, basically in the end acted close to a simp trying to make her happy with me again. What happend? Since she didn't really know what to do with me, to make me feel secure, and I didn't know how to keep my dignity, masculinity and autencity, led down here. It isn't the first time we "broke up" on HER call. I basically kept chasing and acting like a knight and she loved it, the last time she came back crying after 2 days and I tried to take it slow but didn't do anything. Now this time is seems really official since "she lost trust in me". Why did she? Her friends found me weird (I didn't know how to act as well), I was also not letting her breath really, she also misunderstood me and I was basically asking for her attention (huge mistake, I learnt that) and then after a week of 0 talking and me trying to reach out like in a normal relationship, she broke up with me. So, should I do that gesture?

[@alamxr]

What if i betrayed her love by cheating. I apologized to her with full sorrow and regret. I tried 1 full month. I decided to go NC to not overwhelm her anymore. “We had an 8yr relationship and we have a kid” i feel hopeless

[@CoachKen]

Apologize and own it - but don't convince yourself that desperate pursuit will be the thing to convince her your sorry enough for her to come back. Panicked repeated apologies can drain attraction more than they rebuild trust. Details matter so let me know if you register for a call at realcoachken.com and I'll move you up to next week - no pressure either way - Good luck, give it time. It's not as hopeless as it'll feel for a while.

[@ragingphoinix9144]

The thing is that apologies can be made, and taking accountability is great. But the person doesn't have to accept it, and even if they do, they aren't required to forgive you.

[@Kredka66]

Very useful video, as always. Thank you Coach Ken!

[@honey_cherry_berry9155]

@ 14:35😂😂😂 that's so true

[@Bonnadorable]

What if I don’t know if he’s with someone else? Do I err on the side that he is or isn’t when determining if I should contact him. He just completed his educational milestone (graduate degree). I would genuinely love to congratulate him. Great relationship; but, the school/work combination took a great toll on any time we might have had together.

[@CoachKen]

Natural to worry about them being with someone else but try to consider that a "distraction thought" that even knowing the answer to does no good to know. The main thing is to project strength until you actually feel it and give him the chance to miss you and get a sense of the loss of you from his life. I'd hold back of the congratulations because with new milestones like that we tend to get an elevated sense of importance and ego boost which can make it more difficult to re-examine things like a breakup.

[@lilce_03]

I did cause the break up… he ended things 10 days ago after I tried to beg and ask for another chance after he has given me several chances through our 3 year relationship.. I never listened to what he needed and he is now in the “numb” stage.. we have been in no contact for a week now.. should I break no contact now to genuinely apologize?..

[@sheliasmith2884]

Thank you so much you are the best and yes I'm in the num stage I don't care anymore.

[@Zemohc]

If someone ends a relationship with you. Go NC and stay there. There's too much things you don't know. Even after 90 days. What do you know about your ex? Like realisticly. Just maintain your strength and interesting life without them till they reach out. Why would you even "need" them if you're strong and your life is so interesting?

[@zod_el3334]

Great vid

[@simioncristian09]

question please Mr Ken... what would you do... if every time you looked over her wazzap contact and see that she is writing but never sends the message? how should this be interpreted or approached ? because the first thing i feel is to write to her and tell her i can see see is texting, and its ok to hit send, because i miss her and love her just as much and want her by my side just as badly... but would this do more harm than good to the situation?

[@CoachKen]

She's thinking about you and going back and forth - let it build - but I know its tempting to do something when you see her battling with herself

[@mariebureau6063]

Coach Ken so far as my past dating history I've had some good but a lot of them we're bad I've been cheated on I've been abused mentally and physically at times and it's made me distrusting I met a guy who seemed to be just perfect he has a career and a very promising future he's a police officer as well as a reserve army man and he's in college trying to obtain his master's degree in business so he's focused we were in a relationship long-distance for 30 days before we seen each other for the second time during this time he disappeared on me 2 days not in a row but no contact at all for these two days my mind started thinking of the past and became distrusting although I never said anything which is my fault I should have told him what I was feeling I never said anything and I just sat there and let it fester and build up into me to where I was looking for signs that he had somebody. So it came time for me to come to where he was and when I got there like I said he's a police officer and he has to come across town to get to his patrol area I thought it didn't make sense that he would not prepare for my visit considering how we just kept talking about how we wanted to see each other so why wouldn't he bring his clothes knowing that I was going to have a place to stay he could have spent the night with me when my plane landed he made me aware of the fact that he would have to see me the next day which reinforced for me that it must have been somebody at his house because it didn't make sense that he would not want to be together. We wanted to at first 10:47 so badly and then I'm here but he can't stay with me I have to wait till the next day for him to come back to where I was because he lives 2 hours away from his patrol area so the next day we do see each other briefly while he's on patrol he comes past to see me for a few minutes right when he leaves me he starts texting me that he's not feeling well and this becomes a big thing all day all night he's just texting me about him not feeling well so right when he's on his way getting ready to come he text me and say I'm about to get off and then the next two seconds he text me back and said that he just got an arrest he couldn't come he had to work later but he keeps telling me about him being so sick he's sending me videos of him throwing up and all this so I got flashbacks of past relationships in the distrust came back up I thought that he was telling me all of these things in hopes that I would tell him that he could go home he didn't have to come to see me because it was getting late, so I jumped ahead of myself and I sent him a text message saying that I didn't think that me and him should see each other anymore and I went into this whole spill about him not caring about my feelings and him being okay with hurting me and such and such and such and he came back at me like wow I can't believe you're saying all of this and I never even got a chance to be with the man because when I said that he took me up on it and he started pushing away from me within that 30 days that I was here he found out he had pneumonia he hibernated until he got well he's texted me a couple times we corresponded I thought everything was okay we were going to work on it but all the time he was just manipulating me because he hadn't slept with me so he tried to play the game as if everything was okay and then we did sleep together and now I have not been able to talk to him he's dropped off he was texting back and forth at one time then I had noticed that he stopped calling me my little pet name that he had for me and I just casually asked him about it and he came back at me so fiercely saying that he was still kind of bothered because of how I acted when he was sick and I felt like he was just going to keep throwing that up every time it came to something that he didn't want to do or whenever it was convenient for him to use that so I started the no contact I don't even know if I even have a chance to be with him again but I want him back. And I don't know what to do I'm listening to everything that you're saying on the videos but I'm breaking down I can't stop crying he just pulled away from me he just stopped texting and he will respond if I text him but he would not text me and slowly but surely he's just fading out and now I started the no contact so I don't know if I even got a chance I don't know what to do I know this is a lengthy text message but I have to give you the history so you would know how to diagnose my chances.

[@CoachKen]

I'm sorry - that sounds painful and confusing. I'd set the baseline by sending him a message that explains and apologizes for assuming he wasn't sick. He should understand your assumption even if it hurt his feelings initially - and then pull back and go into no contact because if he can't understand your reactions and accept your apology then even if he was sick it doesn't mean he isn't being a player. But don't follow the apology with multiple apologies trying to make up for an understandable mistake that he refuses to stop using as an excuse to push away from you. A good sincerely interested man would be able to understand why you had that reaction and forgive it. If he can't - that's not on you to keep trying to force him to apply some empathy.

[@jinxedking]

2.5 months NC right after the breakup. Then I had a bad day and went on her LinkedIn. Realized after she would see I viewed and couldn't believe what I'd done. It's been a couple weeks since I just keep beating myself up about it.

[@user-ju6zx3rm8d]

she already been with many men since then, let her go

[@LanaTofu]

Update?

[@jinxedking]

@LanaTofu just over 4 months. NC on either end. I had and still have work to do on myself. The pain is motivating, I've had a couple bad days where I haven't had progress. Besides thos, I've been disciplined every day in becoming a better version. This is all I can do.

[@LanaTofu]

@@jinxedking you're doing great even when it doesn't feel like you are. Just keep it up!!

[@-Wreckanize-]

Enough with the grey area. You only break no contact when she reaches out.

[@Bonnadorable]

Thanks!

[@CoachKen]

Thank you so much - very kind of you!

[@jamo1774]

Do all the same rules apply if they have a dismissive avoidant attachment style? For example, I'm not sure if a DA would even be willing to reach out even if they really missed u.

[@davidchang5265]

You kinda just gotta keep NC, her want to contact you should outweigh her avoidance. That being said, if it's been A LONGGG time, then yeah break it if u want, u have nothing to lose at that point. Since I assume after that long period you urself wouldve moved on or almost moved on

[@boromir0062]

Thank you ken for this video it was exactly what i needed tl hear

[@Jen-fp2rj]

What do you do when children are involved and he has no where to go??

[@abekabe678]

Hard to break no contact when she's blocked me on 6 or 7 apps.

[@ScissorN]

Never

[@adrury65]

Hey coach, or really anyone who can give me advice on this. I've been in no contact for almost 3 weeks. We had a 2-year relationship, which was great for the most part as we traveled together from NZ to Australia and have been living together 2 years. Were both from different countries on visas so eventually we knew our visas would expire, however the relationship had become complacent and routine and she lost the spark, sabotaged it by cheating with some guy on vacation and then left me. I was angry and she felt horribly guilty and ashamed but i kicked her out, now i feel it was a mutual breakup in my heart. But now im leaving to go back the the usa in a few days, and wanted to know if i should reach out with the concept of we had a good run and wish her the best, or stay no contact, leave without telling her and let her feel the regret and weight of her loss when she finds out im gone forever.

[@BrS-ql7on]

Coach Ken, I need a straight up answer man. If my ex who left me for someone else called me to hang out about a week later but I flipped out on her. Then She called again a week later to wish me happy birthday. I kept it casual and said i had to go. Now haven't heard from her in almost 3 weeks.. should I reach out?

[@CoachKen]

Is she still with the other person - if so, don't. If not - brief but warm reach out after another week is worth a shot

[@BrS-ql7on]

@@CoachKen Hi Coach. Tomorrow will be the day you advise to reach out. I don't know if she's in a relationship. I'm really stuck on what to do or say. Or ask. Oh man I'm a puddle on the floor.

[@mikeys12]

You blew it move on

[@brianm5637]

What if she comes back in 5 days, after we were together for 4 years? On breakup, I wished her "best of luck" and I haven't contacted her since. She came over today crying and said she missed me horribly but didn't know what to do. I told her that I have things I have to sort through in my life, but I might be willing to take it slow and start over, I had already accepted the idea of moving on . She asked me "will you text me? Should I text you? I don't know how this is supposed to work?" I told her "call me when you are ready." She asked "can we go on a date this next week? I said "i'm starting a new job this coming week and don't know what my schedule will be yet, but I would be open to a date." She said "can I call you tomorrow?" I said "sure." Did I screw this up, or did I do right?

[@MC.628]

How are you two doing? My relationship was also 4 years. I went to contact with him for more than a month now. I'm thinking about reaching out, but I don't know

[@brianm5637]

@@MC.628 actually, we are ok. We started over, very slowly, with lots of boundaries. It’s not the same as before… I don’t look at her the same way as before, but the relationship is fine. We made a point in doing a ‘relationship check in’ once a week, either of us can bring it up and ask if everything is ok, and if anything needs to change… which sort of acts as a relief valve for anxiety.

[@Alchemist_171]

Hello Coach Ken, can it work well with Long distance breakup too? We were together for 1.5 years and were LD for 5 months.

[@abdessamadeaouni1121]

To perfectly apply no contact , I am not reaching out , no stalking social media , deleted all contact details , now how am I supposed to know if she dated or dating another guy ?

[@fives2710]

You shouldnt. Cause it doesn’t matter

[@NAMEISBHARATH]

Hey coach ken, i broke up with my due to her rude behaviour with me and the reason was one of my friend was hitting on her and she knew it and i said to avoid him and i ignore that for few days but now she s being playing with him (fortnite) she unfriend me and blocked me every where for my rude behaviour, and i said choose one or leave she said she don't want relationship with me,and i have been doing no contact with her so long we fight for these reasons so many times and i forgive her now im in no contact of 20days she unblocked me and she didn't even wished me on my birthday, but shes still playing game with my friend(whos hitting on her). I know i better leave her but got emotionally attached to her, we had good date before a month ago, but no use she's elder than me and childish and always trying to be masculine, she disrespect every time and i use to walk away, but later she says sorry and repeat same. What to do/say when she reaches to my next time? Pls reply, thanks 🙏

[@NAMEISBHARATH]

She didn't want a relationship but she wants a situation ship only to have fun .

[@Bonnadorable]

What if I don’t know if he’s seeing someone else? We live in different cities (45 mi).

[@The2ndJr_]

Hi @CoachKen ,What if I was the one that did the dumping but , they’ve met someone while I wanted them back. At first I tried winning them back to no avail, then I started applying NC, in the first week of doing NC she contacted me , asking if I can take her to and from work, I said yes but with boundaries just so that I could at least apply no contact without completely saying no because I was afraid of coming off as petty. The week after, she asked me if we could do coffee and hangout at my place thereafter and I accepted. We spent the day and we had a good time. A week after I asked her out for food but she was busy the weekend and offered alternative days and I suggested a day then said she’ll see which confused me. At the same time she told me she saw the guy the day after she spent the day with me. Idk Sometimes she shows glimpses of wanting me back too yet she still carries on seeing the other person, so what should I do then because I’m confused and pretty much over it, is there any hope because I’m back to not contacting her?

[@charzanboo9940]

Read the '3% Man' by Corey Wayne. It will give you the emotional control + behavior to deal with this.

[@shadow8demon589]

Hey coach ken I talked to you a while ago it was very helpful my ex reached out day 68 we’ve talked a couple times I reached out twice after she did several days apart what should I do

[@mikeys12]

It’s over move on that was the shot it didn’t happen forget it

[@AllenB-mz5vl]

Ive been blocked 6 months and really want to write her a letter becauae at this point i feel i have nothing to loose, but i dunno, its risky and she hasnt reached out, what do i do?

[@user-ju6zx3rm8d]

let her go

[@saharabejarano4354]

Donttt! Trust the process

[@mikeys12]

It’s over just forget it

[@lynnesunshine]

I broke no contact after 2 weeks and saying I accept his decision and I too will move on, then again @ 6 weeks (1 month ago) before knowing of No Contact. Absolute silence now at almost 3 months. Coach Ken, do I continue now for No Contact and is there still possibility he will reach out if I remain no contact. Thank you for your heart strengthening advice ❗️🙏

[@sheliasmith2884]

Nothing is a guarantee stay in no contact because I'm 5 months in and he did break it I've seen even 6 months or more. Work on yourself and you will appear more attractive. I'm at the point now that I don't even care time will do that you know.

[@wandayarbrough]

I would like to Break no contact after 19 months but only to have a friend ask him the name of a rare book that I gave him year's before so I can buy it for my book collection. I don't even know if he would give the friend the name of it or not. I would be fine with him bringing it back there to his old job and leaving it with the guy for me if he no longer wants it. I can't even say he has it. He could take it to the local library and leave it for me too. What do you suggest Ken?

[@nic867]

I really want her back I know it's crazy. But she said she likes to go to therapy. Besides her problems she was the only female I could stand in my life (40 Yr old). Last conversation between us she said she still loves me and I am her home. I cry every day since 3 months hoping she contacts me. But she blocked me I think. I want to text her "come home" 😕

[@user-ju6zx3rm8d]

she is already being pumped by another man

[@artix86]

How are you?

[@nic867]

@@artix86 not good, thanks. She contacted me after 4 months texting me that she had processed everything and misses our friendship, and that we should leave the past behind. Long story short she was just being lonely and bored. Humiliated me, laughed at my problems, asked how my dating is going (still jealous) and that she can't do it because I am not the person she thought I was lol.

[@binbots]

how long should you do no contact if you over pursued?

[@GordonPavilion]

Forever

[@TexasToastSam]

I have a question. We were together for 4 months. It was intense and hot and wonderful then he abruptly broke up with me by text because he said I was getting too attached to him. I immediately went no contact and it has been very painful. But while we were together I was trying to get a book published. A book of short stories that he read and loved and encouraged me to get published. Now it has been and I am wondering if I should send him a copy of the book. No letter, no text, no phone call. Just a copy of the book he loved. Your thoughts? P.S. it will have been 120 days of NC. Have not heard from him or seen him at all. And he lives less than 5 miles from me.

[@chilloften]

I understand wanting to, but NO, I would not.

[@NabilxAiden]

What if I changed my number

[@saharabejarano4354]

I mean they probably have your social media still so 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@Vergine747]

Thanks!

[@CoachKen]

Thank you so much - very kind of you!

[@Bonnadorable]

Thanks!

[@Bonnadorable]

Thanks!

[@Bonnadorable]

Thanks!

[@CoachKen]

Thank so much - Bonna!

[@lilce_03]

Thanks!