When to say no to marriage counseling and what to do instead.

[@divinelychosen5554]

Great topic to cover. Lots of women think couple counselling will help an abusive marriage, adultrous relationship, alcohol addiction etc. Bad, bad idea. Its so soul destroying. The women leave the session feelng more abused than ever. The solution is separate counselling. Regardless of what the outcome of the marriage might be.

[@Star-dj1kw]

I like when Leslie said- “a lack of care breaks trust” Her examples of a lack of care were things like a husband not driving his wife to the Emergency Room ; Leslie did not list things like fancy date nights. I relate to this. Thank you Leslie for validating why I haven’t felt safe with my H even though he hasn’t been violent or cheated or used porn or drugs. What he DOES do is a thousand bee 🐝 stings. If I stop by his workplace (it’s physically cramped) and He accidentally steps on my foot and he doesn’t say excuse me but if I see him bump into a coworker, he WILL apologize ☹️. I had a friend with a terminal illness. When she finally made the decision to stop her lifesaving medication and only take her pain medication until he passed, I told my H about it. His response to me was SILENCE. I could go ON and ON and ON. If I were to bring up the last example about my young friend, he would have justifications for his behavior I’m sure - he always does. ☹️ He didn’t like the fact that I helped this young girl who had no family in our town and was dying bc it inconvenienced HIM and he had to be home a bit more to watch his OWN KIDS bc I was out gallivanting around 🙄

[@joanneforeman7475]

OMG, a thousand been stings! That is exactly it. It’s why people don’t believe us. They don’t see this.

[@Medja-ho5vl]

It’s so much easier to pretend and take it in the short term, but the damage long term is devastating.

[@libertywalker680]

Very wise advice that many therapists or counselors might not even be able to differentiate. Impressive!

[@m.i.n.d.y]

Having a difference of opinion, perspective, or different beliefs is not the same as people living in a different reality where truth is so warped and there is gas lighting

[@donnadonnabobonna9359]

After a lot of trials and attempts to get help, my husband w was called out as a misogynist. He didn’t care about my welfare and wellbeing at all. Leslie is the first one to affirm this and vindicate me, but otherwise I have nowhere else to turn.

[@Star-dj1kw]

Sorry. There’s not much help for a relationship where one person has a basic disrespect for a WHOLE GENDER GROUP made in the image of God. Unfortunately, I know what’s this is like from person experience ☹️

[@afraidtosay8471]

Thank you so much for giving me knowledge. I really needed to know this. Thank you.

[@iw9338]

Enmeshment with family 😮 I thank God that He is dealing with me in this. Thanks Leslie 👍👍💜

[@asaphjing9787]

Marital problems involves two people while abuse only needs one. Abusers need to see clearly his problem and be willing to change with no string attached to his partner. Abuser needs to realize that it is his problem only! And if he wants his wife to be happy, then change his behavior.

[@gobigandgohomeschool4882]

So very helpful. Prioritizing safety is acceptable. This is a new idea to me, and such a relief.

[@karendouglas8519]

Oh my goodness. Yes I was made out to be the problem!

[@maryturner6207]

Thank you!!! This is how I feel about having sex with my husband. I don't want to be vulnerable with someone I don't feel safe with I have had such guilt as a wife who withholds sex like I'm manipulating him it's more that I just can't be intimate with him because i don't want physical contact with him anymore I have emotionally detached from him but feel guilt for not having sex

[@darralansman9895]

You can't be naked physically if you can't be naked emotionally. Intimacy is "into me see." If you don't feel seen and heard, it's almost impossible to be physically or emotionally vulnerable. Self-care is very important to keep you out of emotional turmoil.

[@gobigandgohomeschool4882]

You have a boundary. It is about your own safety, not trying to change him. That is entirely different from manipulation or making an "ultimatum." I hope that helps you feel better about your boundary.

[@cathypeacher2114]

I feel exactly like you do! My husband views sex like eating food. It’s just something that wives should DO as part of life. I say NO! He wants me to desire him but he’ll never get it that he broke trust and did it on more than one occasion over the years. He got caught and said he was sorry but did it again and got caught again. I had found out that he wrote a note to his ex-wife, saying I miss seeing your face and I think about you every day, and he gave some lame excuse as to why he wrote that. Also we were going through another rough time and I found an email he sent to an exfiancé, and he told her that one of his big regrets was that he let her get away when I caught him on that he said oh well we were almost divorced, minimized it we weren’t almost divorced no papers were filed. He was still sleeping in my bed, and I was still serving him anyway he probably will never see it is his sinful behaviors that has taken an innocent loving trusting piece of my heart away.

[@donnamartin9198]

Don't feel guilty. That's what they want so you will break down and betray your body by having sex with them.

[@randompensamientos9802]

Our therapist told me that my husband has NPD but she won’t tell him because it won’t be “therapeutic” for him. I feel so helpless and stuck.

[@steadypace1262]

That is not a good therapist, they may be thinking it's best not to call him out as a narcissist because it can make them worse. How are things going for you now, I understand it's horrible living with a narcissistic husband.

[@TheSailukka]

My experience with Christian counsellors or pastors is that they won't confront the man, who will disciple/mentor them then? How can we women be the weaker vessel if we have to be so strong. Counsellor told me in private about my ex he has problems, and that I could do better, but such a lonely place going home with that info and no help.

[@SharonChopp]

I'm here! Minnesota

[@SharonChopp]

5 times

[@goldenrulebanner2896]

Great points!

[@TheManseHen]

Unfortunately if the pastor in a church situation doesn't "get" that there is abuse (for all sorts of different reasons) a woman may be put into a position of feeling like she has to go to show she is wanting to save the marriage etc. Things are improving, and I'm pleased with things like the "PCA's ad interim report on domestic abuse" in the church which urges pastors and elders to SEE these matters. Sadly, some pastors/elders won't see it if it bit them in the behind. Even one's who fancy themselves as insightful.

[@andrealmoseley6575]

So true regarding the validation aspect

[@MimiMtshali-e5x]

Good morning, family

[@beau5375]

Coverty- learned a new adjective. How much do I owe you?

[@sherylweston5400]

Twice with no change

[@ChildoftheLIGHT]

Too many to recount. Waste of time with an incorrigible person.

[@jacquelinecrandall7697]

Here!!

[@helenrempel6793]

Many times!

[@andrealmoseley6575]

Hi

[@andrealmoseley6575]

Several

[@MimiMtshali-e5x]

😢

[@andreawohlgemuth6971]

Does your husband golf?

[@helenrempel6793]

😊

[@MimiMtshali-e5x]

😂

[@EsperanzaGallego-u8r]

Hello

[@MimiMtshali-e5x]

😂