When You Can't Say "NO!" - Fawn Response (Peopling)

All of us, some of the time, have trouble saying no to people. We feel obliged, intimidated, too tired to argue - any number of things... but what happens when it becomes a habit?
Support Autistamatic on Patreon
/ autistamatic
Find more at
www.autistamatic.com/
Autistamatic Merch:
www.teepublic.com/user/autist...
Autistic Primer (playlist)
• The ROOT of Autism: Th...
Made with Shotcut, open source video editing software
shotcut.org/
Images, stock video, sound effects and music not created by the channel are either used under license from their appointed vendors, have been obtained from KZbin creator resources or from the following PD/CC sources:
www.rgbstock.com/​​
www.videvo.net/​​ (author - Videvo)
pixabay.com/​​
filmmusic.io/​​
freesound.org/​​
Every effort has been made to ensure that copyrights are respected and that material used is in the public domain. Where copyrighted material is used it is under the terms of "fair use" for educational and/or critical purposes. All copyrights remain the property of their respective owners.

[@Autistamatic]

The first of a new strand looking at more general topics that frequently get mentioned in other videos and deserve further exploration.

[@ThatWeirdLady2519]

I've been trying not to fawn any more. I'm learning to be more assertive and not let people walk all over me.

[@anniestumpy9918]

I'm trying too and I'm succeeding a little bit. But it's hard work not falling into the old patterns constantly...

[@ThatWeirdLady2519]

@@anniestumpy9918 I agree. It is difficult but we just have to take it a step at a time and learn as we go. I've gotten so much stronger in my sense of self and having boundaries. It just takes time and patience with yourself. Don't get discouraged!

[@Mantras-and-Mystics]

Fawned and fawned until I couldn't bear the incongruency of what I was feeling in my body - with what was coming out of my mouth. I literally felt ill.

[@anniestumpy9918]

Me too! It was the only tactic that I knew in stressful situations. But at some point I noticed that it did not feel right _physically_, exactly as you said. I assume it has to to with a huge amount of stress hormones that build up and can't be gotten rid of (because the healthy reaction would be some kind of outburst which can feel quite freeing, and we rob ourselves of that release)

[@justuscrickets]

I get so thrown off by aggressive salespeople that I'll buy almost anything to escape the shop without further need for interaction. I just go into panic mode & agree with whatever is recommended, screaming internally, "Okay, okay, just please leave me alone!"

[@romyma]

It happened to me so many times, I feel you 🫡

[@johnrice1943]

I've learned to be disagreeable to that. The harder they push, the more resistant I become. I was looking for a car once. At the end, I walked out, because I'm not buying a car from someone who's that hungry. I'll go somewhere where they don't care if they sell to me or the next guy, because they have plenty. If they lie and I catch it, I'm out immediately. If you just talk to me like a person and try to discover my needs and help me fulfill them, I may do business, but if they're a pushy idiot who only thinks of their own needs, sucks to be them.

[@SergioBlackDolphin]

My gosh, the story of my life, and even today I spent all today to deal with myself and not to fall into fawning with a couple of abusive women who use guilt as a way to make me stop things I have to do to ensure I protect my assett!

[@theresjer]

I think it's possible a fawn behavior can be arrived at to otherwise preempt one's own unbalanced and destructive fight response

[@simonslistening]

A lot of energy trying to change the boundaries and nature of our relationships or stop seeing someone as a threat who weve appeased with fawning

[@afowler13]

my special fawning move is the ol’ attempt-therapy-on-the-spot 5000

[@artfulaspie9775]

The price is too high. There is another way, force them to react by ignoring them or walking away. I will NOT please people at any costs, the world is full of immature childish people. Good video, I like your glasses.

[@Sad_bumper_sticker.]

After years of abusive parents and partners where I was trained into never questioning abuse - even questioning or pointing out abuse was followed by more abuse and gaslighting and ridicule and shaming me- so as an adult I fawn out of fear with stranger or colleages. I spoke to trauma therapists and I understood my reaction is AUTOMATIC and DISSOCIATIVE where I allow my boundaries to be crossed / I disregard my psychological needs / I am too accomodating and people pleasing. But for me the fawning is an uncontrollable social anxiety automatic response. Therapy or educating myself on trauma responses hasn’t helped so I isolate and avoid any human interaction as much as possible.

[@autistuck3688]

I 1000% understand this. Too much. I’m sorry, I feel your pain in a big way❤

[@LilChuunosuke]

I have a deeply conditioned fawn response and I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, it is regularly exploited by others in order to control me and deprive me of my autonomy by scaring me into submission whenever I attempt to stand up for myself. On the other hand, my fawn response has saved me many times in many ways. I've been told when my fawn response kicks in, I have the sad, desperate look of a wet puppy abandoned on the side of the road. I have been called emotionally manipulative by people who attempted to do me harm that succumbed to the gaze. It has saved me from emotional blackmail, physical violence, eviction, firing, disciplinary action, etc. I wish it was easier for me to stand up for myself instead of always defaulting to submission, but I can see how my life circumstances caused me to develop and improve this survival skill. Also some of the sound effects in this video made me jump. 😭 it was very good and informative otherwise though

[@Cocoanutty0]

I always default to fawn with a tinge or freeze. Never fight or flight. Also you sound like the narrator from the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, which is very soothing and lovely 😊

[@RaunienTheFirst]

I usually default to fight, although if I'm taken by surprise and fear overwhelms me, I freeze. I rarely flee or fawn. My default to fight is, I believe, related to my strong sense of right and wrong and strong sense of justice. I'm more than happy to fight a losing battle just to make a point. Even outside of instinctive responses, I will keep fighting even it seems pointless. I once kept an argument with an old landlord going for almost a year before I finally won and got the deposit back. Even after my wife had told me to let it go. She, on the other hand, defaults to fawning. It's interesting that you brought up a book on PTSD as she has cPTSD. She's had successful therapy and no longer meets the diagnostic criteria, but obviously the trauma is still there and I've been subtly working over the years to build up her self-confidence and her willingness to consider her own needs. We've made some progress. She used to let employers and colleagues walk all over her and she asserts herself a bit more now, but her instinctive response to excessive or unfair demands is still "yes and" when a healthy answer is "no because".

[@robscovell5951]

I developed this model years ago but I called it fight, flight or bond. I didn't know an expert had developed something similar. Fawning is an attempt at bonding using masking.

[@thelifester]

This is the first time I have heard of FAWNING. Thank you

[@Cglay-fw5ti]

Would be great to see you dive into/disect polyvagal theory, somatic experiencing and IFS therapy, and how these can relate to Autistic healing. I honestly feel like these can save the lives (quality) of SOO many ND folk

[@kmcq692]

Power gained by shifting the balance of needs. But temporary. And dangerous. Ugh. It’s crazy annoying.

[@AutisticAwakeActivist]

And literal burn out or meltdown

[@misterprofessor5038]

I don't know about fawning so much but I used to be a lot more open and honest about my limitations and vulnerabilities only to be met with the same exploitative attitude that you demonstrated in the video. I'm older now and am much less inclined to talk about myself. PDA would best outline my attitude in social situation: closed, agitated, dismissive.

[@Elizabethpepper8]

The most cruical aspect to understand about fawning is the fact that it is subconscious. A person's amygdala will cycle through the different trauma reaponses during threat and will remember to utilize whichever is successful in obtaining safety and attachment. Not realizing this destoys a person's confidence and self esteem. Theyll feel weak, stupid, bad, confused, etc. For example, a sexual assault victim who go along deapite not wanting too. In a society that claims and protrays the idea of being victim focused, its astounding that the fawn response is so rarely recongized. An abusive relationship where the fawner attempts to obtain help and safety are not believed and seen as compliant. Socoety understands the psychology behind an aggressor's behaviour, so why are fawner's not met with the same level of understanding?

[@Silverlarkspur87]

I heard that there are yet 2 more responses; the Flop or faint response, and the Fine response. The former is self explanatory, and the latter is simply ignoring the threat or pretending the threat is OK (like the cartoon dog sitting at the table while the house is burning down around him yet he is thinking "this is fine".)

[@autiejedi5857]

Excellent explanation of this topic! Thanks Quinn 💜

[@AutisticAwakeActivist]

Love the Quinn man at the beginning. Me n you have such similar in beliefs in autism and our treatment.

[@aspidoscelistigris]

The "four F's" that I know are in the context of evolutionary biology, the behaviors that occupy the most of the attention of animals: fighting, fleeing, feeding, and reproduction.

[@jongranada]

This was great! Looking forward to the next video!

[@user-wt6pg1uv3p]

Good to see you active again Quinn! Loving your work.

[@mrsm6727]

Great video as always, Quinn! Have a good weekend 😊

[@marieugorek5917]

Yes! More of this. Can't wait to see the rest of the peopling videos... and then to get them required of all k-12/pre-uni education.

[@PeteLittle1970]

Really interesting. I'd never heard of fawn response before so I've learnt something new.

[@adamwalker2377]

And when other people are used to you fawning, and you suddenly stop, they accuse you of being difficult or something. Ask me how I know.

[@sonicfan82]

Blue and yellow are really nice colours to use, they go really well together. have you ever thought about using pink magenta or teal. These are only ideas

[@augiegirl1]

4:45 Is that an Italian Wall Lizard? I live in Topeka, KS, & we have a large population of these ADORABLE lizards that were introduced 50-60 years ago. The property that my husband & I own has 3 families of them, & I LOVE to take pictures of them! Plus, they DEFINITELY help control the bugs!

[@melissamiller2696]

I wonder what indigenous species it replaced and if that rendered them extinct. Or maybe it just filled an unused niche?

[@clairewatts4934]

Hmmmm suspicious KZbin gave me an amtrak train add on this video 😂

[@melissamiller2696]

I like you, Quinn.

[@Dwamak]

[@AscendtoB]

Isn’t this how demanding capitalism is towards a lot us in society

[@theresjer]

Easier to go along, eh

[@Danuxsy]

Yes that is why such a large percentage of autistic people are unemployed or have trouble keeping their job. Your employee (unless you've told them) assumes you're a typical person and can handle the same tasks as everyone else, I've kept saying "yea I can do that no problem." over and over but after a few months I can feel myself falling apart and the anxiety is just insane, impacting both my wellbeing and work performance which forces me to quit or be fired.

[@MaryKDayPetrano]

I would like to get your response to this U.S. Dept. of Defense paid research to "cure" Autism and turn us Neurotypical.

[@judylandry302]

Isn't fawning the same response that people have used in regards to organized religion, and education for centuries? "Believe in what we tell you to believe!!! You will be tested! Don't ask questions or challenge the status quo.