Which attachment styles are compatible - How to find your perfect match | Adam Lane Smith

#attachment #adamlanesmith #attachmentbro
Which attachment styles are compatible? Learn the secrets behind real compatibility in dating and how your attachment style determines the health of your dating relationships. If you don’t know your attachment style, check out this video guide and learn what it means for your compatible rating with potential partners. You’ll never look at dating the same way again.
The way you connect to your partner determines how you’re going to talk, love, argue, and fight. Learn what your partner and you might do in advance by studying the ways you give and receive love. That means learning about attachment and how it influences the heart of your relationship.
This video is part of an ongoing series about attachment.
If you want to learn the real compatibility rating for couples, check out this video guide. I’ll show you what to measure and how to make sure your relationship can work. Because this secret factor means everything for you and your bond. Learn how to stay together in the long run and how you can find out your chances from the very first date.
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NEW! - Attachment Bootcamp, a 7-hour deep dive into attachment. ► bit.ly/3Qu9HEY This proven 10-step system to love yourself, connect with
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course presented by Attachment Specialist Adam Lane Smith!
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The 4 Attachment Styles Guide - Free Download! 📥
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📚 Slaying Your Fear: A guide for people who grapple with insecurity.
►www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07...
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[@kassondramoreno68]

All my life I had a disorganized attachment. (I have BPD along with other mental illness as a result of prolonged childhood trauma/abuse/neglect.) It took SO. MUCH. WORK. But I have finally come to a secure attachment style and my BPD symptoms are in remission. It took me 4+ years of therapy, working with a psychiatrist, and actively working on myself to get to where I am today. Wouldn't change it for the world. I no longer attract avoidant people into my life and was able to repair my marriage with someone with an avoidant style and have since been helping him move towards a secure attachment as well. Happy healing everyone!

[@AttachmentAdam]

This is SO ENCOURAGING! Well done indeed on this hard work! Repairing attachment from the BPD level is even harder, so your story is even more motivating for everyone else who hasn't reached that point yet. Thank you for your comment, and keep up the excellent work! If there's anything I can do to help, let me know. And I hope you've got tons of supportive people in your life now!

[@kassondramoreno68]

@AttachmentAdam I'd absolutely love to share my success story if you'd like to share with your audience. This work is very important to me and I'd love to help your viewers reach the same happiness.

[@Mymle]

I’d love to know how you got to the point of having secure attachment. I’m working on it my self. So it would be super helpful. My partner is secure and I’m more avoidant. So I’m working to be more vulnerable. In therapy a while ago we found out that I have AvPd With some traits of BPD.

[@maureengriffin7448]

BPD?

[@JackTGreat]

Here's a comment for the algorithm. I hope the channel grows 50x.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks a bunch for your support and encouragement! It means a lot to me as a content creator. I'll do my best to keep providing valuable content and hopefully reach a wider audience. Your kind words keep me motivated.

[@dvegas]

I'm anxious, but consider myself earned secure. I can spot avoidants now that I'm older and understand they want lots of space and the narcissistic ones will take no responsibility for their behavior. Once I know this exists in a person, I walk away. The people I have the hardest time with are disorganized because I've had some really nice people with this style and I didn't know what it was then, but now I'm aware because I was so confused and it brought out my trauma responses because I thought they were intentionally acting upon me. However, now I know this is their behavior. I've never been able to sustain long-term with them, so I'm really trying to look at my behavior and just pull back without getting continuously hurt.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Yes disorganized can be very difficult to stay connected with, because they're often so chaotic that it's hard to predict what they'll do. That becomes tiring over a long enough span of time. It's also exhausting to them, which makes it difficult to hold the behaviors against them, but over time it's just very hard on everyone involved. The best bet is to discuss the realities of these issues openly and work on managing them together as a team, if the other person is open to that. Are any of the disorganized people in your life able to handle blunt conversations like that around needs and risk management?

[@dvegas]

@AttachmentAdam Thank you. This is very true. For the people in my life, when I mention working on things, usually I either get the silent treatment or they are like, "I'm just busy, life is crazy, my family has all this stuff going on, etc." I have mentioned the issues, but it never gets fully solved. I don't even know what I'm supposed to say to these responses except, "OK. I understand." Basically, they tend to kick the can down the road and delay having the difficult conversation. A relationship requires maintenance, and it's not always sunshine and rainbows. Even if I get a small response the first time, the issue happens again and I'm like, "Hey, this is a real problem." Like you mentioned in the video, a secure person will not tolerate beyond twice. That's when I start pulling away, even though I may not leave quite yet.

[@janosd4nuke]

Great vid. Though would love to see an update with your new 8 styles setup. I'm disorganized so far, with a huge journey. Parents divorced when I was 9, toxic anxious mom and very distant ethical avoidant dad. Started off as loud disorganized, more anxious leaning with that cocktail. Since around 20 I'd put myself into quiet disorganized. Had a 5 year relationship with a sweet nurturing anxious woman. We started off amazing, but without the proper skills I started failing into avoidant and she toward more toxic anxious. Had to break that downward spiral half a year ago. Then I found you and it all started to make a lot more sense. Since then I reset into my more anxious leaning without the need to risk manage and take responsibility for a more anxious person. Would still generally group myself into quiet disorganized so far. Just had a 1 month situationship with another quiet disorganized. With the help of your lessons it was surprisingly easy to understand her, like opening a third eye. We made a secure bond, albeit a bit distant. I won't chase her, but support her as a friend while she has a chance to properly test my trustworthiness. We both have a lot on our table career-wise right now. Likely take it slow more as friends with a slight romantic tension until we sort our lives. But we clicked really well and have a high likelihood of starting to properly date in 2-3 months time. Thanks to your lessons I was able to understand and support her. And we have a great shot at reaching rebuilt secure together. Keep being an amazing person Adam and thank you very much!

[@sthembiso2nkosi697]

I have a secure attachment style was in arelationship with a fearful avoidant, but now very secured individual.😊

[@Olestang]

This is absolute GOLD. Thank you, Adam.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm so glad you found this valuable!

[@FallenAngel544]

I think I may be anxious, with a tiny bit of security when it comes to values and certain boundaries. A lot of my life was very chaotic, so there's only a few things I tend to stand my ground on, but I definitely have some poor boundaries overall and will throw away a lot of my own comfort to keep people from leaving. That's why I'm looking into the different attachment styles, and I think this video has really helped!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Yeah, it looks like you are definitely beginning the process! Learning to hold your principles and goals and turn those into boundaries and express them that way will help you reveal which people actually care about you

[@missapril2520]

Thank you for defining this.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad it was helpful! Was there any specific part that stood out?

[@kodeh7931]

This was great

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad you enjoyed it!

[@PhilipTheHunter]

I feel pretty securly attachted, but get anxious af when I meet an avoidant partner, I've been single for a long time, so when I meet someone where it clicks on so many levels it's hard to resist, even if you realize they are avoidant, I just had a relationship with an avoidant and I wanted to do my best to meet her needs, but she couldn't meet me halfway, when I suggested giving her more space by not meeting during the week, she didn't want to hear about it, she just wanted to meet when she felt like it.

[@wizardofaus2985]

Sounds like my husband. Not seen him for a week, not lived with him for a year and a half. If I asked for more- I'd be accused of being bombarding, demanding and abusive, so my needs are completely unmet.

[@zaynyt3420]

avoidant almost every time can get any people anxious. You need to train yourself to be okay with you alone. Love yourself first. And when you notice pullbacks, bitchiness and something, remove attention. But after all that try to check why they did that. If they don't communicate they are not ready to form healthy bridges with you.

[@wizardofaus2985]

@@zaynyt3420 i think they shouldn't get married as marriage is a all in commitment that requires regular contact and communication..wth ghosts their spouse?

[@MartaHobzova]

This is great explanation of all styles - especially disorganized - I wasn´t sure how it looks in behaviour of person. I´m anxious but working towards secure thanks to your resources.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad to hear this is helpful! And yes, working toward secure is a great goal. How is your process going so far?

[@MartaHobzova]

@@AttachmentAdam I have less anxiety so far. When I have fear of abandonment I spot it more easily now and try to act more from my principles/what I truly want despite fear.

[@alexismoody4858]

My attachment style is avoidant... Fearful avoidant at that . I've been wondering why i always chose to not deal with people . I really want a healthy relationship though , so I'm trying to learn more for better success down the road and overall understanding . I also think i tend to love bomb or put in a lot of effort in the beginning . Then it's as if time passes & i get to know people better . I see their actions towards me or their actions towards their own life , don't reflect my actions ..i tend to pull away or self sabotage the relationship . It sucks so far in terms of situationships . But i do great by myself , knowing i can focus more on the goals i have with no distractions . Thanks for this video

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hi Alexis, glad to connect. And you are far from alone in this pattern! So many of the people inside my private community are working on overcoming that pattern so they're more honest at the start instead of leaping into feelings, and they take their time to make sure the relationship is a right fit from the start. Keep reflecting on your patterns and keep learning here. And you're welcome to join our community if you want some help from people who know what you're going through.

[@maureengriffin7448]

Anxious

[@AttachmentAdam]

We can fix this! I'll be happy to help.

[@kathleen3771]

secure

[@miraal-ghoultabi6561]

I wish your resources existed years ago when I was trying to get help for my marriage. As a disorganized looking back, maybe my ex was also disorganized. I tried to emphasize in counseling that it was my goal to also take responsibility for how badly I showed up in the earlier days, which probably may have shifted his attachment for the worse (?). In the future I'll be sure to weed out people w cruel behavior, as that was his go-to when he felt slighted, especially if irrationally so. If the person is cruel, I don't see them as being cooperative to work thru conflict.

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're correct, cruelty is nearly always a deal breaker. It shows that they've gone beyond just believing other people will not act in good faith (avoidant behavior) and now they have to manage those people through any means necessary, including inflicting pain. This is a huge step toward sociopathic behavior and makes it nearly impossible to cooperate with them. How are you doing in your life now with connecting specifically to more secure people who DO act in good faith?

[@miraal-ghoultabi6561]

@@AttachmentAdam I'm doing better than I think. My circle of friends is free of lone wolves and is comprised of people who volunteer time and resources for causes bigger than themselves. They've been instrumental in comforting me thru divorce even w something small like a text saying "you were too hot for that guy anyway" to cheer me up. "Cruel" is recent to my vocab, but I'm so glad I discovered it bc I had no idea just how much of it I endured.

[@flaviusscacon9216]

I was anxious, but after watching this channel I am starting to develope secure attatchement. And I liked an avoidant girl, and it was painful.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I am so sorry you faced that pain, and yes that's all too common. But I am so glad you're here now and changing your approach to relationships! What has been the biggest eye-opening moment for you with regards to yourself and your behaviors?

[@rsn9394]

I identify with anxious more. Although through the years I've become more and more secure. Anxious side shows itself only when ive a tough life event thats shaking me to my core. My motto is to be honest yet kind. Speak my mind honestly but in a calm way, with the intention of letting my partner know my thoughts so that we can discuss and resolve a conflict. I do not like sweeping things under the rug. I am still working on seeking more secure people though. Finding them is rare. However if I do find an insecure I do not throw my hands up and walk away. Everyone deserves a chance, and if I can hold space, encourage, educate or help someone thatll be great. I give it a few chances and see if they're willing to stay and work on this with me. Sadly that does not work out always. And I must let them go if they wish to leave or I must break things off if it gets too much and hope that they figure things out themselves. And maybe they leave being my relationship having improved a tiny bit. Or having learned something. Fingers crossed. We need to be secure and encourage those we meet to head down on that path as well!!

[@AttachmentAdam]

If you're only anxious during extreme events that hurt deeply, it sounds like you're going great at improving!

[@user-uu4es8zp6o]

I’m definitely an avoidant attachment style. I’m not a bad guy, it’s just I like my space. I don’t like when people infringe on me, but I don’t really think I’m all that cruel.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Have you seen my series of 5 videos on avoidant men? It paints a much clearer picture of how MOST men with avoidance are not cruel.

[@wizardofaus2985]

How do you expect space and marriage? Can you imagine being married to a person that doesn't want to see you, let alone spend any time with you? How on earth can you bring children up in that environment? It's cruel that people who want so much space decide to get married.

[@jerrylancaster8086]

Im an avoidant, but I got your book so Im working on it

[@AttachmentAdam]

Good start! Do you believe yet that attachment can change? That's a huge part of the challenge for avoidant style.

[@la6698]

Anxious, just starting the work to become secure a couple weeks ago.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad to hear! What resources are you using?

[@la6698]

@@AttachmentAdam For books, I am in the last two chapters of Slaying Your Fear. I have The Highly Sensitive Person, & Attached. You tube has been a great resource obviously, your channel on the topic feels the most grounding for me. I also have a therapist I see once to twice a week to help me process.

[@AttachmentAdam]

That's fantastic! It sounds like you have a great combination of resources to support your journey towards becoming more secure. Keep up the great work! Is there any specific aspect of your journey that you'd like to discuss or have questions about?

[@katelandsmith3760]

Mine definitely lends more anxious in the beginning, and in burst throughout. I've never thought of myself as manipulative, however, I will resist committing to certain things as much as possible, if levels of commitment are not met. I don't want to be trapped, having committed to something I don't believe will be met with equal commitment, and/or accepting some of it from the other person,then feel I owe someone more than I do when it doesn't work out. Ouroboros And I will let a lot of things build up quietly, without mentioning them, until it reaches catastrophic levels. So I suppose that puts me pretty firmly in the Disorganized party. The worse someone responds to the crisis moments, the less I trust them, as well. I'll trust a lot of people short term, then as soon as I think their advice is at odds with what I believe us the correct chice,I start to drop out. Or I think I've weirded them out and drop out comm for a while aside. I hate it. I'd like to have friends and be a normal person; I either can't get that close or if I try, I can't do it without being weird. I have more conversations with fake versions of real people in my head, than I do with real people.

[@AttachmentAdam]

This can happen a lot, but it's still fixable. Learning to have friendships is crucial to fixing the process. Sometimes friendships are even more important to the healing than a partner who gets you. Is there a friend in your life who would be open to connecting with you about attachment and learning this?

[@inquisitivewanderer2536]

I'm anxious for sure.. and currently chasing an avoidant! Yikes. Looks like I need some help. haha

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's good that you recognize this now! What is your relationship like, and is your partner willing to work on this with you?

[@inquisitivewanderer2536]

I'm chasing, but not currently in a relationship with her. REALLY like her, though. While she's working on some challenges of her own, I'm gonna pick up your book and put the smackdown on my attachment! Time to make some changes.

[@jdb6026]

I have a rather disorganised attachment style (or so I think) and boy, do I feel like such an evil person. Being the rarest attachment style among the four, the most difficult to be with, the hardest and longest to heal from, the least understood, the one with the least literature on (DSM 5 doesn't even recognise disorganised attachment), being the worst, and being avoided by all the other attachment styles is so debilitating. I don't ever wanna put others through the hell I'm forced to go through. No one should. I'm willing to suffer in my own hell as long as I get to save others from this evil that has merged with me.

[@maureengriffin7448]

CODA I’m in CODA Anxious

[@AttachmentAdam]

Aha, sounds like you're focusing on resolving this anxious style. I'll be glad to assist. Make sure you send me that email. [e-mail]

[@helleponko942]

I am more the anxious style. My whole life felt secure and happy. But i Always had at thought that i could never find love og that i was to much. Then a Got a girlfriend. Who was avoident. Than it was really clear to me that i was the anxious attachet

[@AttachmentAdam]

Yes, that will make everything clear. I'm sorry you faced that. If you're wanting to fix that and go from anxious to secure, and find a girlfriend who is secure and loving, I'll be glad to help. Email me at [e-mail] and let's talk

[@janeenmpellicane956]

I’m a secure attachment after hard work.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Love to hear it, thank you! What helped the most?

[@janeenmpellicane956]

@@AttachmentAdam I thought I was crazy .. I’m secure attachment & my ex is anxious, he drove me nuts with jealousy and suspicious constantly! I had to finally end it after 8 mo. Your video saying we need to find the right attachment really helped.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Congrats! How is your partner?

[@janeenmpellicane956]

@@AttachmentAdam ..being mean, vindictive & telling me I’m negative and pointing fingers at his faults. I had to block him on everything.

[@joygibbons5482]

My former husband was insecure and I have a degree of disorganisation. He pursued me and we divorced 33 years ago after I tipped into full avoidance. While secure with friends and family I’ll never get involved with anyone romantically again, it’s inoculated mme against partnerships for life.

[@AttachmentAdam]

How are you doing with repairing that disorganized style so you can feel more at ease in relationships?

[@sueirgang3858]

Like to join your group u have helped out so much

[@Adrian_liz]

I would say I'm an anxious avoidant since I do at heart want to give and receive love but I avoid and panic when I feel someone getting close to me. I'm afraid that it will end in disaster because I have trouble trusting. always have.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I hear you. This is fixable! I'll be happy to help, let's chat!

[@DM-wv6to]

Can you say a bit more about the narcissistic avoidant, who is manipulative and pushes buttons? What sort of buttons? I wonder if the dismissive avoidant I'm dealing with fits that. I know it's an old video..

[@AttachmentAdam]

Fair question, check out my earlier video "Revealing the dark truth about narcissistic abusers", that will show you what you're looking for.

Most probably avoidant, though I relate a lot with the feeling of being desperate for intimacy and connection. I don't know does that makes me just avoidant or disorganized, since I never act out my inner desperation for a relationship, but stay cold and proudly reject everyone or chicken out at the first sight of commitment. There was one time when I did infact feel like I was bonding with someone with whom I wanted to be with and it felt better anything else in the world. That being said, my feeling of satisfaction was so overwhelming that I did not pay much attention to their cues and in the end I got really hurt for investing too much of myself emotionally when I shouldn't have. I suppose I got high on those attachment hormones you like to mention, but regardless, I'm staying away from hook-up culture ever since then.

[@AttachmentAdam]

This is definitely sounding more like avoidant style, and not necessarily the manipulative type but the nervous type where you stay away from others. These types rarely get caught in feelings but when they do it can go badly because it means someone was able to push them into feelings... which overwhelms them. This can be fixed though, if you want to stop these fears and learn to bond in safe relationships where you won't get smothered or trapped. I've got a lot of resources to help you do that, and a lot of the avoidant type folks in my private community are working to learn to bond with just one or two people in their lives so they can ease into the relationships.