Who Am I Now? The Identity Crisis No One Talks About

[@JohnTalksUK]

Creating these videos is proving very cathartic for me. The identity crisis can hit us all and only now do I feel able to talk about it openly. Thank you for watching, let me know about your own experience in the comments. Look after yourselves as always...

[@ChristineHillier67]

Hello John What an interesting topic of conversation. From 7 years old I was a carer for my mum and dad, My dad had ensephymer and his spine was crushed in an accident so was rendered disabled from the chest down. I helped my mum by doing chores that helped her to look after my dad. He then developed Parkinson's disease. I fed him his dinner whilst mum got on with other things. Then when he passed when I was 14, 2 years later my mum had her first of 3 heart attacks, I stayed with her until I was 25 when I got married and had my son. The relationship lasted 5 years and I moved into a property on the opposite side of my mum's road, she always said she thought our rolls had reversed and I became mum! She pased away 12 years ago after a massive stroke. I felt so bewildered that I was no longer looking out for my parents but had my own life to contend with so I got myself a job as a dinner lady and ive been there for 20 years! It helped that the hours i work tied in with my sons school day and holidays so he wasn't home alone. There is going to be a time when my son will want to fly the nest so im going to be at a loose end, he wants to leave when he is 30 and I will be 60,so ive got 3 years to decide what label im going to attach to myself! As for Metallica, wow! 63 times that you've seen them !! As long as you love their music, nothing else matters 😂 ahem! Pun intended! Well done on 4.45 subscribers 👍 Nice one john 😊

[@Gez-C]

Really enjoying your videos and thoughtful “chats”, feels like chatting with an old mate. Honestly keep up the really good vlogs / chats

[@JohnTalksUK]

Thank you - that’s exactly how I wanted to pitch them when I think about them in my brain. I appreciate you messaging me

[@BattleBok]

Hi John! Thought I'd share a very small part of my story. I've had the experience of leaving my home country and starting life anew elsewhere. The reality of it only first hit me when I watched a whole household of belongings being crushed in a garbage skip. Imagine my surprise when, after I began my new life, it all unexpectedly went to sh!t and I lost everything. I didn't let it defeat me, instead seeing it as just a string of setbacks. There is not failure, only prolonged success... But fate had other ideas and I was unexpectedly hit hard again; this time with a crippling disability: MS. Thankfully I have a new home, a new sweetheart, a new family, and a new role as a stay-at-home dad. My epic story continues, one day at a time. Take it from me, when absolutely everything is stripped from you (one way or another), until all that is left is you and you alone, you see your identity is defined by your spirit.

[@johnpeters7003]

I retired last October after working for the same firm for 38 years. Everyone said I would be losing my identity. But it’s not how it felt at all to me. From day one I just became someone else. My hobby became my job. It didn’t have to, but I chose it. I choose to not look back. It’s an opportunity to just reinvent myself. I like your armour analogy. I just discard one suit and choose another.

[@JohnTalksUK]

Great post John - thanks for messaging. Sounds like the transition was easy for you from retirement - well managed Regards, John

[@mikaylajweighill]

I think o my life as occurring in chapters. It is ok to change and to grow, to let go of the past. Just remember that who you have been is still a part of the rich tapestry of who you are growing to become. Change is good, growth is good. We are only here for such a short and fleeting time, make the most of it.

[@JohnTalksUK]

Thanks, that’s a great reply - change is good and ready to embrace it. Best regards - John

[@sarahbannon4752]

After years of pursing a career I’d wanted since I was a kid, which involved lots of study, and multiple degrees, as I was coming to the end of my final post graduate degree, I was hit by a diagnosis in my mid-thirties, which meant I’d not be be able to work anymore. I was devastated, and went through a form of grief and identity crisis, I eventually needed therapy to help me move on and let go of the dream I’d had for decades. Funnily enough, I also went through a bit of a purge of all my stuff just afterwards as well, as you say, maybe making space for what was to come next. But life is constant change, nothing is permanent, we have to let go of the past to grow into our next chapter, and who’s to say it won’t be better than what went before. Good luck with what you decide to do next 😊

[@twish1999]

I am retiring in August, and for all my life i have worked and for the past 25 years i have been a self employed child minder, which i've loved. Now i am obviously looking forward to having more free time, no getting up early on cold, dark days, and having the opportunity to explore new and already existing hobbies and pastimes, but yes, i have thought that i will be losing my identity somewhat... but i see it as shedding a layer and discovering another, newer layer underneath and running with that instead. 🙂

[@JohnTalksUK]

Thanks for sharing - it’s a new time for you once retirement comes but sounds like you have a plan what you want to do which is important. Thanks for sharing with me Regards - John

[@twish1999]

@@JohnTalksUK John you have the ideal voice/accent for story telling... i am enjoying your videos, i especially like the fact that you are 'keeping it real' and not sugar coating what is happening to you.... i wish more youtubers were more like you as i am sure the 'perfect lives' they portray can contribute to low self worth and bad mental health in the young and/or vulnerable.

[@sunnyrivers]

You are such a natural storyteller John👏🏼 Love your videos thank you! 😊

[@susanwood829]

So good to hear you talk openly about this and can certainly relate. I discovered that many of the things that mattered to me in early life no longer have the same intensity of meaning or importance, in later life....and profoundly liberating. Speaking of grief...when grief is allowed to be felt...the heart begins to open and when your heart is open, even though it may feel incredibly vulnerable and with a range of emotions... this is love and healing begins. Things no longer needed fall away...even identity and the false persona we always cling to. Everyones' experiences are unique I guess, yet I find myself not entirely agreeing with the advice around avoiding making decisions soon after or within a certain length of time following bereavement. it's just that, if theres' a calling from the heart for change...then you are in the right space and what better time is there to embrace it. 💛

[@southernsummerrain9159]

It seems that we roll into transitions in life, over and over again, some wanted and others not so much. I no longer believe in coincidence but stepping stones that lead to something else. Eventually, the changes become our new "normal" until the next time. Life is beautiful madness. Enjoying your talking walks very much. Best wishes for you and your wife. :)

[@JohnTalksUK]

Thanks for much for the reply, I really liked this message. You’re welcome on the walk anytime

[@susanwood829]

love this...thank you x

[@annemariewight6079]

A great topic and thank you. I became a widow 18 months ago and it's been very difficult but I know I'll get there. I've booked myself a holiday in Corfu in May and hopefully with time to myself I'll find myself again. Take care and keep putting out these great videos ❤

[@andrewwoodgate3769]

You're asking such RICH questions! I love it.

[@JohnTalksUK]

Thanks Andrew - it’s what bounces around my head and it’s great to share

[@karen66x]

Im going through this at the moment. In the process of decluttering all my stuff. Obviously, im keeping things i hold dear, but it really is quite remarkable the number of books I've acquired over the years. I feel lighter and motivated by doing it, though. I feel excited and lighter in my mind as if a new chapter in my life is beginning 🙂 Its as if we outgrow ourselves. The old me wouldn't have let go of anything 😃 Lovely scenery on your walk too.

[@kathrynprice]

I found this when I retired recently at the age of 60. I got bored so started a KZbin channel and I'm loving it.

[@JohnTalksUK]

Hey, thanks for the message - I could imagine that retirement is one of those great changes in life that brings round these thoughts - well done on starting the channel - a new hobby / passion emerges from the change - congrats to you

[@kathrynprice]

@ You're welcome! 😊 Thanks. 🙏

[@UrbanDadLife2024]

I had a 10 year career as a program manager that defined me as a person, even though I hated the job. When I got laid off at the start of COVID-19 I developed a huge identity crisis. I didn't have to return to work because I was financially set, but my mental health suffered. I didn't know who I was, or who I was supposed to be. It took a while, five years, but I'm now happier than I've ever been. Once I realized that jobs don't define me, everything changed. Loving the content John....

[@katec9893]

Lovely video. Yes I know exactly what you mean about going through chapters and how our identity can be temporarily lost before we start s new chapter. I am going through this exact thing right now. Since 2020 I went through a huge amount of bereavement including losing my father, eight family members, my beloved cat and my volunteer jobs with all my friends. I have been struggling a lot with feeling very depressed and alone. I did a lot of decluttering which helped me feel a bit better and I have been tuning into my intuition to get guidance for the next steps. It feels frightening and overwhelming a lot of the time because I really have no clue what my future is going to be like. But I know in the past after hard times I went on to live through really wonderful, varied and interesting chapters. So I just have to have faith there are more good times ahead.

[@JohnTalksUK]

Hey Kate Sorry for your loss - it must seem overwhelming at times to deal with multiple bereavements especially in such a quick timescales. The decluttering is a good way to cleanse, something I also find benefit from. Thanks for sharing and I wish you a positive 2025. Kind regards John

[@2adillon]

Your authenticity and vulnerability makes this one of the most genuine and relatable KZbin channels out there. I appreciate these videos my bro

[@JohnTalksUK]

Thank you so much, I really appreciate the message and feedback

[@SewHealthy8]

about not making big sweeping decisions after/during grief is a good theory, I agree, but there is also post trauma growth which can be rapid & tremendous. Grief and freedom can also be found alongside each other. I found turning 50 to be an exciting time in regard to self identity. Feeling like I had completed the first 50 years and starting the second fifty. I felt a sense of completion and achievement that couldn’t be taken away from me. Inwardly I felt like I had won an award. I love that our identities are fluid & can change as we grow as humans. As well as who & what we surround ourselves with. I feel strongly about - can’t take the stuff with you when you go, transient nature of life 😊

[@jeansmith3367]

I think you described it perfectly - the armour doesn't fit anymore. I think it's part of growing, ageing, feeling comfortable and accepting things won't always be the same. I agree in some aspects about not making big decisions after the loss of a loved one or when trying to process grief, but your current circumstances are also part of why you are thinking about doing other things than maybe what you had thought would be your future for a while longer. Very interesting thoughts, and well expressed.

[@JohnTalksUK]

Thanks Jean - I’m very conscious in my mind that I need to be aware of the grief but also the timing with the job situation also mixed in. It’s good to talk about it, thanks for listening and the feedback Best regards - John

[@salongley]

I once read a an article and having “One Sentence”. Imagine how you want to be remembered. It may be different for different people. If they would describe you in one sentence, what would you hope that they say. No-one wants to be remembered for working hard. I’m an ex-teacher. My one sentence is “He made me think and had an impact on me to become the person that I am today”. Having that one sentence means that I need to live my life to be able to do that with the people I interact with. My family, friends and work colleagues. I also love Metallica, but not clocked up the number of gigs you’ve seen them at. I would also recommend the band The Warning. They are currently blowing me away.

[@JohnTalksUK]

Thanks very much for the message - I will need to ponder the “one sentence” but I will give it thought. Cheers for the suggestion on The Warning

[@mrspontiac9174]

I've changed so many times! Duran Duran fan, orchestral player (violin), RAAFie, motor sport fan, novel writer, and so on. To me it's about not letting these identities stop you from changing. Not working for you anymore? Then find something new. If you have something that lasts a lifetime, then great, but don't feel bad about changing. Also, I think your redundancy is the catalyst for your change more than your father's passing.

[@JohnTalksUK]

That’s the kind of hobby list I can relate to, many skills and passions keep us motivated and our brains sharp. Thanks for the message

[@simonking7164]

Hi,what you say is so relatable to me.ive watched all your videos and after this latest one ive subbed thanks for sharing im hooked.

[@JohnTalksUK]

Hey Simon - thank you, thanks for the sub and watching - I appreciate you Regards John

[@CPerry-bu1ni]

Great video John, you are a natural presenter and so easy to listen too. Kia Ora from New Zealand!

[@JohnTalksUK]

Well hello to you in NZ - thanks for joining me and your welcome anytime

[@JohnTalksUK]

Glad you enjoyed it

[@athomewithbethanykate5292]

Never related to something so much before - THANK YOU! For talking about all of this stuff. I have played football since a very young age. I’m now 30, 1 baby later and at a different stage in my life. I still play now but for a long time I have felt lost and unhappy playing but I’ve not wanted to give it up. As you say, it can define you and you lose people when you no longer do that thing anymore. I know myself I need to take the leap and be someone else but it is a tough one and knowing that perhaps ‘friends’ will no longer be friends… I need to figure out who I am. I feel like I have been on a treadmill and unable to get off for a good few years now. The days roll into one and before I know it another week, month has passed. Life is for living and for being present. It is good to remind yourself of that but it can be tough in this society we live in. Everything seems so fast paced but who are we living for? Something to think about. Keep up the videos. Feels like a bit of therapy to me and your voice is very relaxing too. Thank you!

[@JohnTalksUK]

Very welcome - just to hear this resonates gives me a lot of positivity. Trust me, it’s therapy for me to creating this content

[@marinakaplais]

Hi John. Loving your videos. For many years i was a professional dominatrix….i was very good at it and loved my work. Then i got ill and had to take medication that packed several stone on me. I lost all confidence and as my appearance was a very important part of my trade i stopped work. Its taken me years to grieve that persona,she was a break from my ‘real’ life. Still feel sad about it now but have moved on to become a mental health counsellor and a Reiki healer…..bit of a change eh? I think we change naturally every few years,like snakes shedding our skin. But you are right about not jumping into things when we are in the midst of grief….

[@JohnoFisher]

Enjoy these vids man. 39 hitting 40 and spinning the f out 😂

[@JohnTalksUK]

I like it - thanks for watching

[@richiefoulkes1330]

I lost my dad in April last year. I identify with the things to speak on. I have found that I've found comfort in the familiar. Alcohol, work etc. Not to a degree that's it's detrimental to my life. I have, however, wondered how beneficial this comfort blanket is to me and if it's actually holding me back. I like your chats. They are making me think about my own situation.

[@JohnTalksUK]

Hey Richie Thanks for the message and watching the content. Sorry for your loss The big thing would be the booze, cutting that out has been a massive change but it’s helped with the mental aspect of life. I wish you the best John

[@jilldickson4352]

It’s a question I’ve so often asked myself as I don’t know who I am. 😢

[@JohnTalksUK]

The eternal question - I’m sure you will find your answer at the right moment

[@christinevolante9773]

Stuff is just stuff, what matters is what is in your memories and heart. Stuff is just rubbish to other people ,adventures and experiences you will treasure for ever.

[@JohnTalksUK]

Very true - it is just stuff and that’s really landed over the last months for me. Thanks for the message - regards, John

[@renegade1987]

I'm kinda at that stage in my life now - at one point i was a young guy and all i ever did was think about riding motorcycles. Every minute of my spare time was spent riding bikes, fixing bikes, buying new bikes and i did a load of videos on my channel about motorbikes, it was my life. These days i have a family and my priorities have changed, now all my spare time is spent at soft play centres or out spending time with my boy and my wife doing family stuff. I still have a couple of bikes but i only seem to ride 3 or 4 times a year now and even when i do, the passion for it seems to have gone for some reason. I guess i'm still kinda young, i'm only 38 but still... i'm not an avid motorcycle rider/enthusiast any more, just a dad who has a bike in the back of the garage somewhere. 🙂

[@JohnTalksUK]

Thanks very much for the share, you are now in your next phase, looking after your family, raising your kids… I’m sure the bikes emotions will stay with you till the time for a comeback is right… from what I’ve read from other comments from other bikers - late 50’s / early 60’s That’s a hobby for life but sometimes we just dip in and out when the time is right and you have the space. Best regard - John

[@soggybawsmoto]

Off topic, but it hit me straight away : I can see how the click click clicking would have ruined this piece. A great piece of work 👍

[@JohnTalksUK]

Hahahah thank you for noticing that detail, I appreciate the sharp eye and ear for these things. I was happy to be back amongst the tress - the walk is beautiful

[@amandawood7015]

You are not your stuff. Ive collected stuff in the past somewhat obsessively. One day i thought i dont need all this stuff its just there! Got rid of loads and i don't miss it. Having lost both parents many years ago we had to get rid of their belongings and it was hard. I dont want my kids to have to do that. By the way i love rock music too, you have good taste!

[@susanjacquier5358]

Same ❤. I have put together baskets for each of my 4 kids, with all the 'special stuff ' that they either gifted me or artwork/ cards I'd saved over the years. Got rid of So much and yes, I don't miss it

[@kellyshaw7271]

Bereavement is strange. Sometimes it gives you a clearer view of your own life. Where it's going and what you want to do with the rest of it. I think over the decades you have to reinvent yourself. Friends come and go. You change jobs and city's and family members leave us. You have to adapt and move on. Last year my sister found that she was terminally ill at aged 55. She immediately arranged her funeral and paid for it. Next she cleared her house of everything she didn't need. She didn't want her loved ones to have to do it. The house was stripped down to the fundamentals, which made her realize how much junk we accrue through life. With that sorted, she began taking trips around the UK to places she loved to visit. She died last week, safe in the knowledge that all of her affairs were in order.

[@susanjacquier5358]

I'm so sorry for your loss, but I think your sister had a great attitude and followed her heart. Virtual hugs ❤

[@danielpreston7145]

Hi John, My name is Dan. Your story is like holding mirror up to my current postion. 44 years old, lost my dad and best friend just over 12 months ago. My dad also bought me and my sister up in a house very similar to yours. My dad was man who gave me tough love when I was younger and real love as he got older. He made mistakes but he tried to make peace and be a better man in his later years which I completely respect and loved him for that. I always felt the early struggles defined me as a person I am today and I was determined to better mine and my familys life through hard work and determination. I recently have had my own health struggles diagnosed with heart condition and liver disease. I sit here now questioning, whats for me next? What next for me? I am a strong minded, postive person like you and I know this period of time will help mould me into a better person in the future. I am just a bit lost at the minute. I dont know what lies ahead for me like you. All I know is dad would want me to live a forfilling life with love, joy and happiness. As I am sure your dad would have wanted the same for you, my friend. So I will find the answer to whats next for me and I hope it be a positive journey. Good luck on your journey brother. Maybe our paths will cross in the future. I live in the midlands too so you never know. Best of luck, dan 👍

[@JohnTalksUK]

Dan - thank you so much for the message, I’ve read this a couple of times to really take in all you shared. We have a lot in common for sure. Sorry for your loss, you describe your dad how I’d describe my own and the difference in my younger years vs the latter and how we had both changed : matured over the years. I wish you the best on those adventures - keep me posted please

[@Chasingmidnight.]

I’m 43 and feel like I’ve stepped into official old age. Lost my identity and goals. Don’t think it helps that current state of the country is in also. Use to have so many aspirations 10 years ago. Now it’s just work work work pay check to pay check repeat.

[@JohnTalksUK]

I can totally relate to this - I hope you can find just one hobby to focus on and build from there. Sometimes I can feel overwhelmed with choice which turns into doing nothing, paralysed and can’t make a decision. Knowing I do this means I need to make sure it’s just one thing till I can get going. I wish you the best for 2025 - thanks for joining me here

[@cbcb102]

John, have you read 'Life Will See You' Now by Gavin Oattes. (with footnote of Title :Quit Waiting for the Light at the End of the Tunnel and Light that F***er up Yourself)? He is a fellow Scott around your age. I recommend this, your videos are great and I think you will identify with him.

[@kathrynsuch]

Hi John my story is kind of the inverse to yours. So I quit my job in November BECAUSE my life had become in no way in alignment with the way I it to be. I felt like I was losing my life to corporate political nonsense. Absolutely not fulfilled. I also just turned 45 so I could have been having a crisis 😅 It started about 5 yrs ago for me. I was done drowning under all of the stuff - we have 3 boys so you can imagine the amount of stuff we had. And I had kept everything sentimental thing you could possibly think of since my own childhood, let alone theirs. For me, we were going through the belongings of my Grandma who had died and I was so close with. My parents and siblings were sorting items and choosing things to keep. I didn't want anything. I had had a relationship with her and it wasn't the stuff that was going to replace her. I kept 3 things. Her china mug, her Toffee hammer (for breaking treacle Toffee) and her bright green tupperware colander. The stuff that we used together when we baked. I still use them to this day. But that brought me to my own stuff - it wasn't serving me any better or worse. It was just there waiting to be organised, dusted, sorted, or buried away in the back of a cupboard. So I decluttered and once I had done a few bags, I couldn't stop. 70% of our stuff gone. All of it. I cannot tell you the freedom it has brought. Have you seen the Minimalists documentary? Highly recommend. I love the way you say that it's less about letting go and more about making space for something else. I love that. If you have things that you can't decide on yet, have you considered putting them in storage? Maybe that's a halfway step. 45yr old Mum in a crisis may not be the demographic that you were expecting 😅 but I think you have a talent for speaking to camera and communicating what's on your heart. I think you're going to inspire so many people and I'd keep going on this path - maybe the redundancy was not to jump straight back into the same routine. Maybe it made space for this project. Have a great weekend x

[@SewHealthy8]

63!

[@JohnTalksUK]

I know…. Lmao

[@box1007]

Why did you give up alcohol? Did you find it difficult?

[@JohnTalksUK]

Check out my video on me giving up - kzbin.info/www/bejne/iqGuhJmHq82bfassi=bUtONKqL7gb0XDQO

[@TwinMumDiary]

Hi John, enjoyed this as always☺️ can I ask what mic you’re using please?

[@JohnTalksUK]

Hey there - thanks for watching The mic is a DJI Mic 2

[@TwinMumDiary]

@ that’s great thanks so much☺️ you’re doing fab!

[@maryl234]

Not sure the 12 month "rule" matters - it's someone else's idea of how long you are supposed to grieve. I think it's personal. Make sweeping changes, don't make sweeping changes - it's up to you.

[@JohnTalksUK]

Thanks for the message Mary

[@squarewoodworking7992]

Who are we ? We are all just a number and a tax collector/ payer. We leave this world with what we entered it with , zero , we accumulate ‘ stuff ‘ in between

[@Happy_Limpet]

not the thing in the mirror .