Why agreeable people get into trouble with narcissists

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@jomusicv]

And when the lightbulb goes off for an agreeable person, it hurts even more to know you’ve been taken advantage of and your selflessness was not reciprocated.

[@moniquejackson7741]

Whew! Welcome to my world. You said it perfectly.

[@patriciafry8634]

So true

[@Sundais4freelee]

So true plus you have to learn to discern which goes against our agreeableness at time .

[@fallonrappaport5270]

This is oh so true

[@deesea2025]

💯 %!!

[@DarlingEbony]

For me, being agreeable was a defense mechanism in dealing with a narcissistic father. I found that being agreeable helped curb my father's narcissistic rages. And I carried that defense mechanism into adulthood and attracted a ton of narcissists. It was comfortable and what I knew. Being agreeable has cost me money, resources and my mental health. It has taken me all the way into my 40s to learn that it's ok to set boundaries and not be so agreeable.

[@juneingram1130]

me too

[@nodozhit]

God bless you. Stay strong.

[@ElanaVital83]

Same. But one day I noticed that no one else was willing to be agreeable for ME. The slightest favor was a big inconvenience in my family, yet they constantly siphoned money and services out if me. And if they ever DID grant me a favor, I would throw myself into a dungeons of guilt.

[@screllin]

Absolutely hear you 💯, all the best to you!

[@christielawrence4640]

Good work!!

[@MissMimimimi]

A reminder that in order to avoid narcissists, we must change too. We cannot control their behaviour, only our own.

[@ranc1977]

"we must change too" This one is tricky. Coercive control means that we were brainwashed, there is nothing inherently wrong with us. IF we believe we are victims, or that our thinking or behaviour caused the abuse - we are making it seem as if we have contributed to abuse - which is victim shaming and victim blaming. Also - belief that we can influence other people via our thoughts and behaviour - that we find perfect way how to be perfect - leads to personality disorder and narcissism itself - since we will reject parts of ourselves where we are vulnerable and replace it with imaginary fake self. Abusers abuse because they are abusers. There is nothing that we did to cause them to abuse. We did not invite them, we did not make them abuse - the choice and decision to abuse is their own entirely. It has nothing to to with us. Nor there is anything inside us that needs to be fixed. Unless we are serial killers - there is no pathology inside us to be cured or changed. Lundy Bancroft: "Abuse is NOT caused by bad relationship dynamics. You can't manage your partner's abusiveness by changing your behaviour. But he wants you to think you can." It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear and speak no evil. Judith Lewis Herman Personality formed in an environment of coercive control is not well adapted to adult life. The survivor is left with fundamental problems in basic trust, autonomy, and initiative. Judith Lewis Herman "Neutrality" actually serves the interests of the perpetrator. Lundy Bancroft/Judith Lewis Herman

[@MissMimimimi]

@@ranc1977 I meant this more to be about things like not over-giving, oversharing, excusing the narcissist, being sucked in by love bombing, not setting clear boundaries or placing too much value on looks and status when you choosing a partner. These things can make your relationships a breeding ground for narcissism. It’s not a case of blaming yourself or changing your personality, but making sure you’re protected from duplicitous people who will try to abuse these attributes.

[@bellaluce7088]

@@MissMimimimi Totally agree!

[@ranc1977]

@@MissMimimimi "making sure you’re protected from duplicitous people" From my experience this turns into Social anxiety, Agoraphobia, Avoidance disorder - when we are inside Toxic ambient, when we live in toxic shame culture country where being intrusive is sign of masculinity and strength and normalcy, in case of being stuck in unfavorable Power Dynamics where we simply cannot be "assertive" or make choice to leave toxic ambient nor cut contact with toxic people. Then we are stuck with toxicity - and idea that somehow we are inviting abuse with our personality (as explained in video) - will lead to severe toxic shame (deep self hatred) and personality disorder - since we will reject ourselves and hate ourselves for being anything by society's norm. This is common problem - that we tend , by we I mean normal, healthy, sane, non pathological people- we tend to blame ourselves and fix ourselves first before looking in external factor as the cause of all problems. Gabor Mate is talking about this Myth of Normal, that exactly this belief that our thoughts are the cause of abuse and that we somehow are participants in abuse - leads to abuse being neutral, where somehow both target of abuse has the same responsibility as the psychopath who is choosing to abuse easy targets. It is not. Abusers are abnormal, they are pathological, they choose to abuse, it is totally their own will to abuse - and they will abuse no matter how nice or not nice we are. When we are not nice, when we are "assertive" - they will simply poop in our bed, they will make up false claims that we are rapist, they will humiliate us in front of media and court with false allegations and using our reactive abuse as proof that we are also abusers. Abusers will abuse no matter what we think, how we act and what we do- they will simply use different techniques, different ways of manipulation and different various ways of control - like backstabbing, employing flying monkeys, pathological lying and smear campaign. That is because they are sick and abnormal - something that we normal people cannot grasp - since due to Confirmation bias we will judge other people through lens of ourselves - and we cannot find the same evil to equate it enough with them. Then we will rationalize and intellectualize our own faults and errors, as we were been taught in childhood when we were disciplined.

[@ranc1977]

@@bellaluce7088 There is concept called Rational choice theory - and it tells us that as adults we have knowledge and intuition to make decision in our lives. Problem is - when we start to label certain aspects of ourselves as abnormal and sick because they somehow "invite" abuse and abusers - we will destroy this intrinsic locus of control, we will destroy self worth - and we will develop toxic shame. Without self worth we will become codependent on other people to explain us what is normal and good, we will become hysterical at any sign of "negativity" and conflict and different opinion or argument - because we won't trust our openness nor our agreeableness anymore. I would encourage to re-examine this idea that we must change ourselves in order to crap fit into toxic ambient and with toxic people. I would not go into plastic surgeries to make ourselves perfect and strong - that is actually narcissism itself: trying to build fake strong image of oneself which is not allowed to be in natural way just because we might be vulnerable and admit having mistakes and flaws. Being nice is not mistake nor error nor flaw. The only problem is and always will be Cluster B monsters who are abusing and exploiting empathy in others. Problem does no lie in our minds nor our thinking.

[@joshuaanzalone2060]

It's amazing when you finally start telling narcs and toxic family members and past people NO and I do not feel any guilt behind putting myself first.

[@sonoranoasis3012]

I just kicked a 15 year friendship to the curb. I reached a tipping point of pure BS.

[@Rompelstaump]

The best thing you can do is take care of yourself.

[@elizabethhoeppner8881]

I finally told my adult younger siblings that if I could have a do over, I would refuse to do the job of my parents teaching them to read, do homework how to ride a bike or play baseball. I wish I spent more time with my friends.

[@magugayonela8978]

The feeling is unmatched 🙌 top tier❤😅

[@kuljeetsingh9]

The most tragic thing I have experienced is a narcissist parent denying encouragement to their own child and belittle their achievement. It felt like such a betrayal..

[@ElanaVital83]

I experienced this, too. But I really didn't want to accept it was happening

[@daleswain9520]

I have experienced the same my entire life… I’m 62 and as recent as a month ago she still gets her belittlement in toward me. Ugh

[@lizkrinsky5209]

Those kinds of words fr my narcissistic mother ring in my ears constantly. She had been dead for 12 years, I'm 61 and I am still Working at tuning her out.

[@-1lovethesea]

This is life, some people will have to deal with bad people, others chronic illnesses, war, poverty..etc The most important thing is to worship God, until you die, then you’ll spend eternity in heaven.

[@sheilajac]

i beat my mom to the punch in grade 2. i won a ribbon for an art project; walked in the back door, told her i'd gotten a ribbon and won first place, then threw it on the ground and stomped on it saying how ugly it was and went on to call my favourite teacher a b-- . have felt similarly confused at other points in my life too, where i felt uncomfortable with praise, acceptance and kindness from others.

[@margaretahern6204]

I used to say to myself "is this person a narcissist?" But now I say "Would an empath treat someone like this?" If the answer is no then it's time to move on or away. It's much easier than getting burdened by the confusion of good behaviour one day and bad behaviour the next day. The truth is an empath would never want you to be confused by their behaviour and genuinely apologise and try not to repeat any type of bad behaviour and they are careful to consider other people's feelings so they are seldom going to hurt or offend anyone. Maybe this way of looking at things may help some of you❤

[@jeanprinsloo2086]

I agree 👍 very true ☺️

[@orjadagjoka583]

Thank you for your advice ❤

[@linhuang5267]

I love your angle! Putting the "would an empath treat someone like this?" len on, I do see a lot of problematic behaviors of narc clearer.

[@doinmotherhoodpodcastwanya5750]

Your reframe is very helpful. Thank you ☺️

[@ericb8413]

👌

[@dummymail7041]

When i started relationship with my partner .. he praised me for being sensitive, empathetic, humble, selfless, kind and called me the most innocent sweetest person ever! 3 and a half years into the relationship now ..im being called "hypocrite, unkind, overly sensitive, cry baby, inhuman, selfish, cheap" etc etc, from the same person because i stopped agreeing to anything and everything. I didnt even realise as to how deeply i was manipulated by him. YOU , Dr. RAMANI you opened my eyes and helped me understand what is actually going on.. Your knowledge and guidance and the comments section of your videos helped me feel like im not alone and im not crazy. ❤ thank you

[@cdorothy444]

Being criticised for not being a good enough narcissistic supply is a compliment🎉 Black is white in their world

[@DJH97]

Same happened to me once I started standing up for myself after repeated bad behavior and repeated “forgiveness” on my part. Once I drew the boundaries and quit giving in all the time the 30 year marriage was over.

[@vickit3124]

I was agreeable early on (looking back, almost to the extent of fawning 😮). When I realised who I was dealing (thank you Dr Ramani) and started setting boundaries etc, he would rage. One of his favourite accusations to me was ‘why are you playing hardball with me’. By the time I was done, I felt dead inside

[@AILIT1]

I hope you're leaving that relationship

[@chandanamaitra5692]

I agree and understand 100%

[@marieborchardt2910]

Having survived several narcissistic relationships, I've learned so much about narcissistic people and about myself. I'm so grateful to know what happened wasn't my fault. For a long time I blamed myself for everything, not even knowing exactly what the narcissist was unhappy about. Now, I appreciate my good personality traits and when I meet another agreeable person, we are so happy together. It is very hard for me to open my heart now. I'm much more cautious and I don't want many people in my life. A few good people and my dogs, that works for me. 😅

[@eetchooarn]

Kudos to you 👍 and much love.

[@cathyp6788]

Agreed. Same here. I went back to therapy because I was running into the same wall over and over again and I was ANGRY! The cornerstone of my anger was the feeling of obligation and lack of reciprocity. I'm sure you had a good internal sense of what was right and wrong, like myself, and finally set the boundaries. Best to you

[@melodyal3357]

I feel yourd words. Sounds almost like my life story. I had no idea but in my 30s (I am now 34) I started to put things together and to understand what I was actually going through for all my life. I understand what you mean; feeling very similar.

[@oceanwoods]

It feels like punishment to be an ‘agreeable’ type. All the kindness and energy has always just been taken advantage of and the only reciprocation is abuse.

[@heathercarter2475]

Exactly how I feel....what's the point in having these traits if all they get me is stomped on smh...

[@aks136]

Agreeable introvert here. I have come to realize that being a little 'less agreeable' is a life skill. It only increases your value in your own as well as others' eyes, even outside the context of narc relationship.

[@aynilaa]

Yes, I'm also an agreeable introvert who had to learn to be more discerning. I've put up boundaries and I don't care anymore whether people like that or not.

[@natalieparker3187]

“An agreeable introvert is a funny little person”. Haha, you mean, we are the best! How nice this world would be if the majority were like us. Many thanks for arming us with knowledge to fight those who take advantage of our agreeable natures. You are the best, Dr Ramani!

[@lorrainekrahn4498]

That’s me for sure

[@chayo4537]

Introverts are not agreeable. Stop making us sound like punks

[@genxx2724]

I’m an introvert. I have very strong boundaries. I’m independent, happy with my own company, and don’t want other people’s drama derailing my energy or finances.

[@eyesofthecervino3366]

​@@chayo4537 Introversion and agreeableness are two separate traits. Introverts can be agreeable, or not agreeable. It just varies from person to person.

[@privatepo5876]

Wouldn’t label agreeableness as the “best” as it mostly a coping behavior due to trauma. I much like my disagreeableness. I challenge the status quo’s; and don’t take anyone’s shit. It intimidates narcissists. All the civil rights activists are disagreeable people.

[@susanw7924]

It’s depressing how pervasively narcissism exists in society today. The narcissists I have known have taught me to become more introverted and cynical about people in general. After a relationship with a narcissist, I tend to avoid relationships for years and am happiest being my agreeable self at a safe distance from others.

[@heleenloubser9072]

Yes,being agreeable,got me stuck in an abusive marriage for 41 years. Now at the age at 64, I am going through a horrible divorce. So much cruelty and abusive!

[@empireofpeaches]

Heleen, I am glad you are making a break. In my experience I had a terrible 12 months until the divorce was finalised, then clear air. You are almost there. Watching videos about narcissists helped me a lot and I insisted on written communication only which gave me some control. No phone calls! Sending you my very best wishes.

[@heleenloubser9072]

@@empireofpeaches thank you so much. The financial and emotional abuse,as well as the smear campaign at the church,is hurting me so much. He is also the minister and the church members his fans and flying monkeys. The pain is almost unbearable. That is why I stayed. Almost impossible to get out of the spiders web.

[@morpheusmirror2857]

@@heleenloubser9072 Do not let this demon use the good word to lesson your faith. I bet he has used your faith against you saying you don't believe enough just so he can keep you stuck and receive more supply by externalizing his low self esteem and abuse in private. Cluster B people use church to learn how to be better at faking being human. From a metaphysics perspective, you are not dealing with an Adamic man but a stuck child projecting a meme entity onto the world ie a demon in a human vessel. Essentially the demon is hiding in the vessel and being overly zealous to mirror anyone they can be the opposite of as being a heretic when in fact they are the heretic. I hope this explanation helps you keep your faith.

[@lorettanericcio-bohlman567]

@@heleenloubser9072 Helen, doesn’t sound like much of a “church”. Go where it feels supportive 💐💕

[@heleenloubser9072]

@@lorettanericcio-bohlman567 I am the minister's wife. It will be froned upon

[@aubreyj.tennant1123]

My agreeableness combined with my extroversion has landed me in so many toxic situations. Now I am finding more introverted ways to live. Interestingly, I have a lot less FOMO socially. Enjoying my alone time much more. Just wish I could’ve known what I know now @ 25 instead of 70. Lol. Thanks again for the lesson today Doc . ❤

[@mervyngreene6687]

Welcome to my world. What saved me was when I learned how to use the word "no."

[@RA-ut2df]

Well at least you are about a year younger than I was when I thought I was imagining that I actually felt happy and at peace after deciding to spend most of my time with my cats while I work on my favorite projects. Just today I decided that there is no use in ruminating about how I could have sustained relationships with insecure, jealous family members that prompted several employers and friends who did care about me to say things like "your family members are the worst we have ever seen" and "you should get help from law enforcement to get them to quit stalking you on your workplace", etc. etc. A few years after learning that it okay to set such boundaries , I paid off the mortgage on my house where I now live in peace with my cats. I also wish that this could have happened much sooner in my life, but am now experiencing unexpected relief even giddiness at this new freedom from narcs. I think it is worth it to set boundaries with people who laugh about the harm they do. What do you think?

[@BJBlaskovichGaming]

Thankfully I’m learning it at 46 due to my narc ex gf. We started dating when I was 42 (she was 31) and she dropped me last October for her first bf from when she was a teen. And the kicker? She’s been legally married the whole time! Not living with the guy, but I feel bad for him to, because I don’t know how it’s going with the new bf, but it seems like the husband and I both got railroaded.

[@mervyngreene6687]

@@BJBlaskovichGaming Just be grateful that she has (hopefully) moved on. It is MUCH easier when they drop you!

[@BJBlaskovichGaming]

@@mervyngreene6687 in ways, yes. In ways, I still miss her.

[@ardent9422]

I was one of these highly agreeable people before discovering narcissism. When I meet other people like this now I really cherish them. Learning to spot the difference is incredibily valuable. I used to spend my time trying to appease people who really didn't care about me and who were pushing me far above and beyond what I was comfortable with, then if I spoke up I might be called lazy, or reminded of what they did for me in the past or told something like "So?! lots of people feel that way, but they still do what they have to do..." so I relented. These days I've learned to understand who I'm dealing with early, and persevere though it if I have to, but a simple "Sorry I'm not avilable" closes the door on the next time. Some of these people will confirm my suspicions about them being disagreeable, when they say something cruel as I tell them I'm not avilable.

[@shayshaymann113]

Definitely! I’m learning to do this myself and I’m 44yrs old! The issue I’m having, is when I tell them I’m not available, they ask me “why?”, and I freeze up and make something up on the spot! This is part of my trauma from my mom who would scream and yell in our faces demanding answers for things! And if we got caught lying about it, ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE! So that’s why I respond that way even to this day. I’m terrified of getting caught “lying”, if that makes any sense

[@shirleyvanderheijden5934]

I have been labeled stubborn,because I found my voice and won’t be bullied,but wary of whom to trust even if agreeable!

[@susanparker9877]

@@shirleyvanderheijden5934 My former manfriend would say I was bullying when I held my ground to block him or refuse advances or demands! Imagine that, bullying!?

[@hiwall4883]

​@@shayshaymann113 You could simply say 'I have made other plans' if they ask what plans, just answer 'other plans' and end the conversation.

[@genxx2724]

@@FenianPhoenixRises “I’m not able to do that,” with a smile.

[@MelancholyRequiem]

The worst part is I've always taken great pride in my high agreeableness. I'm autistic and many other autistic females out there find agreeableness to be one of the most effective ways to mask. It is so heartbreaking that admirable qualities become liabilities due to the sheer amount of bad people there are in this world.

[@yvonnethomas4484]

Nailed it!!

[@chayo4537]

Everybody autistic now

[@hiwall4883]

Agree, it's quite sad really.

[@melodyal3357]

,,It is heartbreaking that admirable qualities become liabilities." 💯👌 This is soo true! And it is extremly sad. It makes me sometimes angry, because it's wrong. I guess there will always be people who are evil, such as manipulators, narcissists, psychopats etc. but we must be really careful to whome we trust and open our hearts to. That seems to be the only way how to protect not just ourselves but also an admirable qualities in their essense.

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

Being agreeable brought me so much pain. As I learn to say no, stand up for myself, keep boundaries and express my opinion, I find I am loosing people from my life. It’s so hurtful as I have had people call me ‘difficult’, ‘’selfish’ and ‘harsh’ by the very people who had no problem saying hurtful things or being mean to me. It’s really sad and painful too, but I’d rather loose people who can’t respect or value me. I’m always careful how I say things to be careful of peoples feelings, but I’m allowed to say no. Totally protecting my heart and my soul now. Thank you ❤

[@aynilaa]

Yes! And while you'll lose people along the way, it's much better to have some left who respect you and your boundaries.

[@TizzyLisch]

This comment represents exactly where I am right now. As I draw boundaries, mostly as a means of protecting myself from constant disappointment, wow...I have really been told off as if how dare I not be at their beck and call anymore! Same as you, suddenly I am being "harsh" and all other kinds of problematic things simply for no longer giving endlessly and mindlessly. It confirms that I am doing the right thing, but I feel like I am going to have a whole new set of wounds to heal after this. So thanks for writing this. I hope you have found peace now.

[@JLTravels]

I understand temperament at birth & how I was TRAINED/ DRILLED into being agreeable -BE NICE, BE KIND, TAKE CARE OF OTHERS, was all I ever heard as oldest child. Lifelong penalty no more! Horrible upbringing!

[@notagain779]

@Jan Lewis Travels, I'm wondering if it's a generational thing. I'm 70, and my mother taught me to make sure I was never a bother to anyone, and only helpful to others. She was the same way, and was well thought of in our church and community. She was also dumped on sometimes. Today, that way of being would get her run over by a tank!

[@BJBlaskovichGaming]

Play by the rules, play fair, don’t hurt people, don’t cheat people etc etc. Yep, I know it!

[@kro0018]

I have to say, after 10years or therapy, I've finally understood the importance and value and necessity to learn to be disagreeable and hold my boundaries firmly. It's not mean to say no. Much love Dr Ramani, take care ❤

[@1cpascal]

Another agreeable introvert here. One problem that I've often had with this is that I've often agreed to things because I was either scared to say no, or thought that saying no would be more trouble than it was worth.

[@karenkuske5567]

Yes!!!! Same😮

[@chayo4537]

That makes no sense. People are stupid 💤

[@chayo4537]

That makes a person fake

[@aynilaa]

Same! But firstly, not everybody gets mad at you for saying no. And you can thank yourself later for putting up boundaries to preserve yourself.

[@michele4040]

I don't know if it is menopause or healing from therapy but i am just not as agreeable as i used to be 😅 i get mad and i think it's my boundaries yelling at me and i finally am learning to listen to that anger and realize that it's not bad to be angry, it often just means i need to say no. You are amazing Dr. RAMANI ❤ THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU AND FOR ALL YOU DO !

[@gobigirl1]

Someone I trust said to me that we should be able to play "all the keys of the piano," the full range of human emotions, that that is an aspect of wholeness and authenticity. I used to be scared to death of ever being openly angry or of appearing to be less than agreeable. But there are situations where is is inauthentic or even a bit creepy to still be agreeable when someone is behaving offensively.

[@aynilaa]

The same thing is happening to me and I'm far from menopause😅 That's what all this knowledge does to you. Your experiences are valid, you see people for what they are and put up boundaries.

[@CoachHadassah]

I took Dr. Jordan Peterson’s personality test and I’m high on the scale of Agreeableness. No wonder WHY I’m attractive to narcissistic types. I’ve been doing the work within myself to set boundaries, pay attention to the red flags, etc.

[@honey-feeney9800]

Watching Dr. Ramini today is timely and necessary . I’ve been too agreeable for past 13 years, supporting my son’s family ( about 80%) for 13 years . Now I realize I gave them too much . My son regularly says he appreciates what I’ve done to keep his family in a safe place . But, it seams his girlfriend resents me. In past 2 years I’ve needed five surgeries and pulled my son’s time away from her for his help. I’ve no other family , nor a support system . I’ve gone through all my savings and at age 70 was fired the first time in my life, so I’ve less money to give them . I’ve even paid for their cigarettes . They’re addicts , so cigarettes are less dangerous than heroin. I must shut up. One of them is coming upstairs l

[@aubreyj.tennant1123]

Sounds like your sons an agreeable sort but his wife is not 😮

[@saltlightandjoyministries4138]

My mother is a malignant narcissist. I only learned in recent months that I am a magnet for narcissists! This channel is such a blessing for empathic, loving people who get caught up in the web of a narcissist and need help getting out.

[@aida6457]

Hi there saw what you posted, about your Mom,thats true I went threw that with my Mom too, it will never change, I had to walk away, from a narcissist Mom ,and I live my life in peace.

[@saltlightandjoyministries4138]

@@aida6457 for me, the only answer to my mothers outrageous behavior was to go no contact. You and I have done well getting away.

[@aida6457]

@@saltlightandjoyministries4138 Thats ! great ,God has a place for these people, but it 's God don't like ugly!

[@vkdeboe4930]

A big hug to you too, Dr Ramani! I used to be extremely agreeable with my narcissist husband (soon to be ex) but now live my truth by being unapologetically disagreeable when needed. It's like a resurrection of a new self from my old self. He killed who I once was: extremely näive, agreeable, and thinking the best of people. Now, I'm alert, discerning, and realize there are wolves in sheeps clothing to watch out for. I still see the best in people and let them shoot themselves in the foot, but I will NEVER be narcissistic prey again. EVER.

[@tinam.9810]

the same...

[@aynilaa]

Good for you! Her knowledge is so empowering💪🏻

[@vkdeboe4930]

@@aynilaa What she brings to those of us who've been damaged by narcissists is so valuable. If only she could reply with answers to us like Siri/Bixby to be our personal therapist! 😍

[@farmcat3198]

As a child, it was agree or endure a massive fight and a beatdown, only to have to give in anyways. As a married adult, it's the same without the beatdown. Thanks Mom and Dad!

[@ElanaVital83]

Same as a kid. I don't have e the problem with my marriage though. For me, it shows up in the workplace. Bosses ALWAYS take advantage of me. From scamming my salary to dumping their responsibilities at my feet, to bullying me around just to see me scrambling to meet their whims. It's a nightmare

[@BJBlaskovichGaming]

Same. Especially my dad.

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

I have had people close to me pressure me to give chance after chance to abusive toxic people, to see their side of things, to try to understand their perspective, and to remember that there’s ‘two sides to every story’. But I’m learning to say sometimes there is NOT two sides to every story. Sometimes someone is behaving awfully and we don’t have to give them chance after chance. I’ve learned this lesson the hard way too. I did this recently with a couple old college friends I gave another chance to, only to be burned and hurt by them again, realizing who they really are and that maybe it wasn’t all my fault. Giving myself that freedom to say no and walk away when I feel I need to and want to. I keep to myself more now for sure. Thank you ❤

[@avanellehansen4525]

Don't look back!

[@jadegreen1554]

They surely do… Thank you for speaking about the victim and what makes them vulnerable. That is really crucial…

[@kro0018]

Yes

[@Buster-im5so]

I received a text from someone who wants to 'see me' (again). I dropped ALL of my past friendships due to my blind agreeableness. Not so blind today. They pounce. Listening to you share your experiences gives me a hunger to find my own authenticity, instead of caving in to others'. I've needed this wisdom... all my adult life... and I'm finally receiving it in my mid 60"s. And it feels great to know that "I" am real and I can recover. Thanks.

[@Gracenglory5]

The most difficult part is when you fight tooth and nail to stand by healthy boundaries and have that used against you. Being accused of being the one who is “rigid” and disagreeable all because you refuse to allow the behaviors to continue. It’s just exhausting to deny my agreeable personality. I am fueled by collaboration and cooperation. My empathy is readily weaponized. “Benefit of the doubt” is a constant companion statement from onlookers. (I’m heavily referring to legal & court, not merely just people at large though this too applies) I too have become a recluse because I just don’t have the strength or energy to withstand the accusatory bombs from the disagreeables….they’re like cockroaches at dusk in the southwest…they come out of the woodworks and cover the ground to where you can’t find an inch to step! 🤢😵😖. No thanks.

[@chayo4537]

The agreeables are the ones who are roaches and they're butlers to the are abusive people who are also disagreeable

[@aynilaa]

These people and their enablers are everywhere, so it gets incredibly exhausting to still keep up your boundaries and be discerning. I'm running out of energy too but I guess it's still better than the abuse.

[@jenniferbarth8260]

It’s difficult being agreeable when trying to avoid drama, arguing, bullying or abuse. More so when we are finally so worn out and begin standing up for ourselves and setting boundaries- then those who took advantage of our compassion and generosity point fingers and accuse us as being “difficult”

[@desertgirlwarrior1921]

OMG 💯 spot on! Shocking right?!

[@tenningale]

You don't win with a narcissist. For example, when I give them information and they viciously weaponized and lied about everything I gave to them, I learned to stop doing that and to not trust them. What happened? Now I'm cold, distant, socially bad, defective, etc. You never win with them.

[@lesleyelalami2562]

I'm naturally agreeable (trained by my narc mother from birth) but after so much **** over so many decades I now go into situations with a 'Now what do I want to give/take in this situation coming up?'. Stocktake your boundaries BEFORE you get into any predicament would be my best advice. The minute it goes sour or they show themselves just leave.

[@notagain779]

@Lesley EL ALAMI , That's very good advice. Go into it well prepared so you don't get caught off guard. Too bad we have to be so guarded, but some people nowadays have no idea how to behave themselves! You're right, they will reveal themselves to be easily frustrated by your holding your ground, and you can expect snarky attitude when you're not easily controlled.

[@aynilaa]

Constant discernment can be exhausting but it's still better than being abused. I was also trained by my narc family to be agreeable.

[@lesleyelalami2562]

@@notagain779 Sad how many people use public and work spaces to regulate themselves emotionally. It's criminal and very damaging. x Soul suckers I call them.

[@karenkuske5567]

Agreeableness almost cost me my life. Spent two yrs bedridden dealing with a communal covert->overlapping every form of narcissism--> sociopath. Separated now and like solitude...I would rather be alone than in another relationship. Especially thinking these relationships were "normal"!!! My life now is spent trying to get back into doing the things I love and I'm struggling. I'm tired of being shamed and made to feel guilty for leaving a toxic marriage. Thank you Dr. Ramani! This was the second freeing video...just to hear this information is helping me understand myself and what happened to me.

[@lavenderhearts101]

You are courageous, don't let the naysayers get to you. Be happy for the courage you had to leave.

[@JohnStahl]

Wow! That one hits home. Thank you! 27 years of being agreeable. 10 years ago I stopped being so agreeable and left. So hard.

[@allbionics]

Crooks of all kinds have an instinct to discover the agreeable. I remember visiting Barcelona with friends and wondering why am I targeted by pickpocketers significantly more frequently (eight times or so, if I remember correctly). I am a high agreeableness person and I am learning to live safely and well with it, even if late in life.

[@ggccministry8494]

Dr. Ramani explains like no other! ❤

[@ReverendGalileo]

There needs to be a balance. Going along to get along all the time just makes you a sheep. There comes a time when you must stand your ground when you know you have to do what's right, even if you are standing alone.

[@notthatvashti8127]

You become just as the narcissist/ toxic person wants you to be, unsure, unsteady, fearful of making the wrong move. They usually are the most broken. It's a hard turnaround when you're trying to go against every fiber of your being, (kindness, acquiescing, cooperative) but because of your past experiences you know you may just fall off another cliff. Very sad!

[@yusi2966]

Recently I've made a goal to learn how not to let my empathy be used as a weapon against me. I think that I still have a good way to go, but at least now I can see more than before, the true intentions behind their words.

[@sifusubtitles]

Thank you Dr Ramani, this video struck a chord. Often the logical mind sees the danger but the kind heart convinces us to ignore and to give anyway. Narcissists are pure evil that make our biggest strength in character, our biggest weakness. Hugs to everyone that is agreeable too! Hope we all learn to be as forgiving to ourselves as we are to others!

[@sc.0419]

Being agreeable, being a kind, caring person is a blessing to many. Maybe the blessing you compassionately give your self is protection/boundaries.

[@profelisa1]

You just described me with my narcissistic brothers. It took me 50+ years to realize they do not have empathy. I have had to put up boundaries because of them mistreating me and our mom after our dad died. And it is so true about the hearting in your heart. I now feel kind of like I am an only child because I know they are not capable of having a meaningful relationship.

[@pieralaura5265]

Oh God! I blamed myself for everything going bad in the relationship until i let it go. I started watching your videos around that time and am glad. Thank you so much.

[@autumngryffinnheart6374]

Thank you 😊. One of the saddest realities of my life has been the sneering and disdain people will treat me with, even those I thought were my friends. Being called gullible and naive, but I need to believe in good 😊.

[@4mamamel]

Every damn time!!! I think I am a magnet for narcissists 😢😭😭😭

[@leegorringe5580]

Do I know. Don't know whether to laugh or cry. However I realize that slowly but surely I am getting there. Here goes I happen to be attractive and I get a lot of appreciative glances when from men. I used to be flattered and it gave my rather poor self confidence a kick. However Lately something has happened Nowadays I quite often say 'don't even think about it' and I mean it. Incidentally the above sentence I picked up from Ophra. I realize that little old me is growing 👆 👆

[@mariec.mauter8640]

Totally relate to this. Why I’m a hermit😅

[@Kayla38871]

My mother is extremely selfless and agreeable. She is willing to drop everything and help others. I am not agreeable like her but feel a sense of loyalty to family. Other family members take advantage of her kindness and get furious the one time out of 100 she can’t bend over backwards for them and their needs. I grew up believing there was a binary givers and takers. I thought it was safer to be a taker seeing her get treated so badly. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized the takers were extremely unhappy and being selfless pays off in the long run (not that it paying off should be the reason to be selfless, just a reason not to be an a-hole).

[@aynilaa]

My mum is too agreeable as well. She does way too much for her narc husband and child while receiving nothing but abuse in return.

[@AnaBrigidaGomez]

I scored 97% agreeableness. I was doomed to stay forever with my narc ex. My salvation was that I had my children. I knew I couldn't save my ex but I can save them, so I did.

[@Aanframe]

Some narcissists can play ( too much) agreableness during the love bombing. This, mixed with cognitive empathy and the "soul mate" effect is a big trap to everybody. One must be very attentive if words and actions match with consistency. There is also a social pressure to be agreable all the time, which, if we don't have any notion of personal boundaries and cores, can lead us to turn off our intuitons and defensiveness (with all the gaslighting of toxic positivity in these days this trait is not well accepted... and we need to take the responsability of self validation). By the way, before having knowledge of narcissistic dynamics, some agreable people can fall into a double role: victim and Polyanna enabler.

[@jo-annahicks3324]

Very well said...and good advice..

[@aynilaa]

Yes! Society doesn't like people who put up boundaries. Just let everyone walk over you🤦🏻‍♀️ And I also agree that it can make you a victim but also an enabler if you're too gullible.

[@janeloraine6231]

I understand myself and my history more with every Ramani video I watch. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!❤

[@kristinemajchrzak5222]

❤ Agreeableness too me is like a pizza eventually all the piece’s are going to be taken away and There isn’t gonna be anything left and that’s how I feel I have nothing left in me❤

[@daleswain9520]

Oh I am the agreeable one without a doubt. I often think of the movie Elle Enchanted. In that movies she had a cruse put on her and she couldn't say no... even when she knew something was wrong. She fought with herself to say no but said yes anyways! I am at times embarrassed and shamed for my agreeableness... it always gets into jams and can't blame anyone but myself, if I could have just said no or walked away from the coercive toxic people. I am an extrovert... becoming a hermit... its just safer that way for all in my life. Thank you Dr. Ramani for the hug without expectations. and here is one back for you!🤗

[@desertgirlwarrior1921]

💯hear u girl!❤

[@V8RSWGN]

My agreeableness and helpful personality didn't get me into trouble until I met my narcisstic ex. After her, I do find myself being more protected and putting up a lot more boundaries/walls trying to protect myself from encountering or getting into trouble with these kinds of people again. Trying to open up and go back to that person I was before her (albeit more educated) has been a lot of work and continues to be a lot of work.

[@chayo4537]

Sure

[@angela777K]

Thanks for the big hug Dr. Ramani! For agreeable people, even the tiniest bit of genuine validation is like an oasis in the desert. We are so resilient that we learn to thrive with less, like cacti and palm trees and other wild things. I feel quenched. 😊

[@mary-janebelec9082]

Dr. Ramani, you helped me so much! I am very happy. I listened to your videos for more than a year. Because of you & Dr. Les Carter i was able to leave & survive. Now I thrive. I have shaky moments, though. ❤😅 I heard one therapist on youtube (a guest of Dr. Carter's) say that we may not recognize red flags if the red flags feel like home....

[@Flyingrabbit2222]

I think some of us start out agreeable and are forced to fight. As a child I was terrified of my mother and my main response was fawning. I just wanted to be left alone. As I grew older her intrusiveness increased along with my strength of personality and I was forced to fight to preserve any sense of self, not only for myself but for my younger sister who grew into an overly agreeable person. I am generally agreeable with people until they abuse someone and then my fighter comes out. I have no problem walking away from hostile people and it doesn't scare me, but my sister never developed the skills to deal with meanness and has endured 4 marriages to very dysfunctional men.

[@june.w.1288]

It's so good you learned to fight and stand up for yourself. Agreeable people were taught not to stand up for themselves.. They are afraid if they ever get angry or say no, they became a bad person.... Because they see it as a duality: one person is overly nice, and the opposite is overly rude.... However, one can outgrow this duality and find balance. Find out the healthy dose of kindness and when to say no. Also, how to deal with "negative" emotions. Like anger. Agreeable people were taught anger is bad. However, one can learn how to deal with anger in a healthy way. Standing up for oneself doesn't necessarily mean one has to be like the abuser. We were just not taught a healthy role model how not to be a victim but neither become an abuser. Instead, become a peaceful warrior, an educated, balanced person who can say no, who can express their opinions, who are not always avoiding conflict, but they do these in a mature way and not like an animal, yelling and possibly even becoming physically abusive. Narcissists are stuck solving problems like a three year old. Having narcistic parents and lacking healthy role models can make life increasing l difficult, however, because of our ability to change and grow, we can learn how to deal with life in a healthy way. I think for agreeable people, the most difficult thing is to see that they can be angry and learn to fight for themselves, because they are so afraid of hurting someone. Discovering that there is such a thing that peaceful warrior, that fighting for yourself is not equal to being abusive, was a game changer for me. I hope your sister will eventually see the way out and heal. Cudos to you 💜

[@Flyingrabbit2222]

@@june.w.1288 Thank you and good luck with that journey my fellow Warrior!!! Negative self judgement was a big hurdle for me too. That initial urge to shut down and pull into our shell is the opposite of the sudden very healthy flashpoint anger we should feel when attacked. So many emotions get buried in N families. Shutting down is often equated with being the better person, and sometimes it is, but it can also stop us from recognizing and responding to dangerous situations. We all want a world where people are kind, compassionate and civilized. But that is not what we have and it is so much easier for the herd to throw passive people under the bus and face no consequences rather than adopt a "heroic" stand against our abuser. Something I learned from my brief courses in self defense is that if you are going to do something in response to an attack, do it immediately and loudly. Sharks will usually bump their prey before closing in for the kill. If you give them a slam to the nose and punch to the eye, they have better things to do than mess with you. I have found that people are no different. As a child, when someone said something insulting, demeaning or crude to me, I would have cried my eyes out in the bathroom believing I was that thing. I attracted comments like that because I'd let sharks bump me so many times I was convinced I was dinner and it showed in my body language. It still hurts to deal with mean people...but I do, quickly and loudly, before walking away. Insult me and the whole room will hear, "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME. (repeat offenders statement) YOU ARE WAY OUT OF LINE. I don't consider standing up for myself as an attack. It is a PUBLIC SERVICE. Anyone who just heard what happened is on notice. Deal with this person at your own risk. This is also where your own reputation and personal integrity come into play. Are you known as a fair and honest person? If you are, people around you KNOW. They may not have the guts to stand their ground against the office bully...but they are less likely to gang up on you on his behalf. If they have any integrity at all, that twinge of morality will eat at their soul.

[@Ben-ru9ju]

I’m agreeable but also a truth teller. Dr. Ramani, can you please make a video about having that combination? 🙏🏻❤️

[@ElanaVital83]

That a good combination to have!

[@lorettanericcio-bohlman567]

Touché

[@Ben-ru9ju]

Thank you.

[@mapleleaf902]

Wow, this helped me out greatly. It also explains when I stopped agreeing the smear campaign started. Thank you Doctor, this is what needed to hear

[@scottiebeanz7344]

Thank you for representing for us agreeable folk, Dr. Ramani! You are queen! You are Definitely saving lives, may God bless you forever, and always ❤

[@panfried7566]

03:04 "it's unfortunate that something sooooo good can actually be soooooo bad for you when it comes to narcissistic relationships". Darn, I was always raised to believe that the good you show to others will be returned, but alas, not with a narcissist who used and abused. thanks, Dr. Ramani

[@sonoranoasis3012]

I was the fixer and quite agreeable to the narc mother and then many other subsequent narcs. Now I think I'm most agreeable around new people which is exactly when I shouldn't be. BTW, being agreeable to the narc mother is called SURVIVAL. I spent my life surviving one narc after another by being agreeable, dusting things under the rug and smiling to remain positive, ignore and move on. It makes you tenacious, resourceful, resilient. They think we're the ultimate punching bag... Until they get cut off. Then they have no idea what just hit them.

[@surrealdealpick3]

This is my story… I keep finding the same person. The blood on the water thing makes sense they always say it was my kindness that they where attracted to. Then I learn I only had a utility for them. Maybe one day I will meet a fellow agreeable lady.

[@darlene1187]

Thank-you for this video. It felt wonderful to hear agreeable described in such a positive way. It took me back to the days before the Narcissist in my life devalued everything about me. I know I can get back to being the best version of my traits, as I work to get away from him and move forward. The best parts of me are still here...he tried to destroy it all, but I am not going to let that happen. "The world needs more agreeable people." ❤ Agreeable. Healthy. Balanced. Agreeable.

[@lou1880]

What's been really hard is that after placidly accepting my mom running roughshod over me for 53 years, I finally put up some boundaries and put myself first for a change. Now I'm the a**hole. She really thinks I've turned into a horrible selfish person because I quit tolerating her toxic nonsense in my home. She trashes me behind my back to people. At this point I don't really care what she or anyone else thinks of me, I'm done putting up with her. It does hurt that the decades of goodwill I extended to her at great harm to my personal well being counts for nothing.

[@alta7777]

I was moulded into the agreeable child by my parents. Now at the age of 50 I have gone no contact for the past 4 years. I am happy now. I now live

[@dianatenney7821]

The hardest thing I learned for being high agreeable over decades it became my worst enemy having it...she hit the target on this style... it's a magnet I called it to narcissistic people.

[@gobigirl1]

When you meet a narcissist, you learn that "highly agreeable" can overlap a lot with "impaired self-protective boundaries."

[@dianatenney7821]

@@gobigirl1 I agree boundaries are needed when your always saying yes I can help etc etc.... the first time they hear no I can't it's like they find a way to make you feel guilty for being tired or not super woman In families and work place.

[@dianatenney7821]

@@gobigirl1 Someone decades ago a psychologist I once knew handed me a book to read... the name of it was the" Birth Order" I was the middle child It was such a interesting book that really answered many thoughts I had in my head.

[@marylourodriguez9227]

Love you. You help us so much So so right! Everything makes sense in our life when we listen to you! Blood in the water, love it. So much trouble we have gotten into. Thank you!!!!

[@sc.0419]

Wow, good one. That just gave me a new way to look at my mom, from being angry/frustrated with her enabling, to compassion for an agreeable person who got chewed up by the sharkNarc. Thank you.

[@kristinemajchrzak5222]

❤ That was the first time I felt a real hug and it was off of a video I don’t even know what that says now that’s really sad but thank you Dr Ramani I felt that one❤

[@ola_F80]

This video put a huge smile on my face, warmed my heart and I felt the hug ...being agreeable gets us in so much trouble and for almost my entire life I refused to believe that people who behaved badly cannot changed...until my last narcassistic friendship (the malignant type that I left thanks to the education I got from your videos) left me feeling so depleted and confused...I'm still struggling with the grief of the realization that people like this actually exist... and so much of my past finally made sense...and this set another snowball of grief into motion as well...I am truly grateful for you and the passion you put into everything you teach...we need you in this world ... thank you Dr. Ramani for being the most selfless agreeable humble kind hearted person... you are a blessing in everyone's lives❤

[@RiseAboveNarcissism]

Thank you, thank you, and thank you Dr. Ramani. You have no idea how much this will help me with my 101 with my manager today. You gave me the right words just on time, without me sounding like I'm making excuses for not being able to manage time because I'm just too agreeable and like to support everyone meet their deadlines. Thank you tons.⚘️

[@faithsdaniels8366]

You just described me to a T. I've had to learn to be very careful about who I let in my life. Its created a lot more peace.

[@Jennifer-dw8hl]

I'm very fond of tranquility, of compassion, of maintaining my own equanimity in stressful situations, and for some reason it's a fucking magnet for liars, manipulators, cheaters, thieves and antagonistic assholes. Working on getting better at defending the things I value through maintaining appropriate boundaries, while also dealing with the resentment I feel toward the religious institution that preached endless forgiveness to me as a child. I still feel like I'm in chapter 2 of Portia Nelson's wonderful poem "Autobiography in Five Short Chapters" pretending not to see the hole I'm about to fall into.

[@notagain779]

@Jennifer, , Religious institutions can cause a lot of headaches for good people!

[@Jennifer-dw8hl]

@@notagain779 Some friends and I have taken to calling it Post Traumatic Church Disorder

[@notagain779]

@@Jennifer-dw8hl , 😂I can relate! Thank you for the poem by Portia Nelson. It's perfect. I feel like printing it out and framing it!

[@jo-annahicks3324]

Post Traumatic Church Disorder....that's Gold!!!!...lol (But tragically true, in a lot of cases)

[@ParadiseLoading]

9:18 to the end. I definitely relate. I shut myself off from all romantic attachments after the last attempt went up in flames a couple of years ago. Before that, I hadn't been in a relationship since 2002. I'm done. I just can't do it. I'd rather stay to myself than be hurt one more time.

[@saracahanin]

Unfortunately, this has been me very often, verbatim. Thankfully, with your videos and your healing program, over the past year, I’ve been able to get it and now see it in myself, so that I can make adjustments and bring more awareness to it. Thankful that you’ve brought this to us all. It’s been so helpful. Thank you Dr. Ramani!

[@dianajane6185]

Thank you, darling Dr. Ramani. I am a funny little person, as well, with a splash of that, as well. Thanks in large part to you, I am also an informed little person. Sending you a big hug back!

[@quantametric]

Training myself to be less agreeable is the best thing I've ever done. I've learned how to warmly but firmly implement healthier boundaries and integrate kindness, with also primary kindness to myself. Agreeableness is not all it's cracked up to be! I strongly disagree that disagreeableness is inherently aligned with narcissistic tendencies, it just happens to align with that behaviour in unevolved people. I also find that I tend to be more attracted towards making friends with disagreeable people now, as I have learned to have such a strong fiery warrior spirit and instantly appreciate anyone else who possesses the same quality.

[@MichelleECKHU8]

I couldn’t believe that he would end up being as he was. I was so accommodating and loving. Hard to believe that he could have taken me in that way. I was stuck until the very very last moment. Blind. Grateful for your videos which have helped me to break free.. ❤😊

[@msredcurtains]

I was that!!! Now I’ll tell people no when I’m feeling no. I’ll tell people off if they’re overstepping boundaries. I will be my advocate and not your punching bag.

[@lorettanericcio-bohlman567]

Your heart 💜 back and soul! Got it 🥰

[@liudmilaaleagaaguilera8876]

Thank you! Big hug back to you❤🤗

[@DJH97]

Yep. A lifetime of chasing people for relationships and ignoring or trying to overlook the repeated bad treatment and just “getting over it”. No more. I am also staying home more and have cut off lifetime or decades long relationships to keep my sanity. Many people tell me they cannot believe I come from the same family as other family members who are hateful lying nasty triangulating and deceitful.

[@laundrymatters8364]

Thank you Dr. Ramani, I've been down that road too. Allowing myself time in responding to requests of my time or money helps. If they try to rush it, then the answer is no.

[@dorenkinzi1730]

Today's video is very audible👌👌. Keep it up Dr. Ramani. You look amazing

[@fingsandstuff]

Lets be honest here guys. The narcissist didn't break you, you were already broken! That's how you ended up with one! Be honest with yourself. You win when you do some self reflection and begin to heal. This requires you to do some deep introspection. To look at yourself, understand your flaws and admit them to yourself and fix them. The reality is you got stuck in this situation because you in fact suffer the same low self worth, lack of confidence and low self esteem as the narcissist. You both just have different coping mechanisms to deal with it. Life is all about energy. Both of you seek validation from outside sources to feel whole. The Narc will lie and manipulate to meet their needs (negative energy) to help feed their low self esteem. And you, "The empath" will people please and do things for others (positive energy) to help feed your low self esteem. Lets not beat around the bush here. Both, yes that's right, both live in a world of denial where they both refuse to admit that fault. I bet right now you are reading this and still denying it. But its true. You people please to feel safe and avoid any conflict. You spend your time trying to tend to everyone else's needs and none of your own. That is due to lack of self worth. It's extremely hard to admit. Your probably now in your mind trying to justify it to yourself in your own mind, "No, im just a caring individual", "I'm an empath", "I like to help" etc etc. The truth is while true you may feel you are these things, that isn't the motivation behind why you do it. You are masking your insecurity, its a self defense mechanism you have probably had in place since childhood. Admit it. If you even call yourself an Empath its because you are trying to convince yourself that your extreme generosity and kindness is your nature or who you are, but the reality is its you trying to feel safe, due to that deep rooted insecurity ingrained in you since childhood. Admit it. It's ok! it's the first step to healing. Once you can admit this you can then begin the healing process. You will stop giving your energy to others that dont serve you. The secret is to learning the subtle art of not giving a f#ck. When you do that, you learn to save your energy for you. You no longer care about people that dont care about you. It's hard, but once you do this, you begin to realize the only reason people hurt you or get to you is because you allow them to affect you. When you no longer care. You will actually give off that energy that says to the world, I care about myself. Negative energy no longer affects you and therefore you will no longer attract it. It's hard to explain until you finally get it, until you understand. But once you do, when you get to that point. OH man! Your life, perspective and energy will change. Welcome to the new you. You will look in the mirror and see the same face but see a completely different person. Unaffected by outside negativity and energy. You will send out an energy that says, I like me, I love me, I am happy. Its the most amazing transition ever. And I think most of us needed this narcissist relationship in order to come to this realization. We needed the constant agonizing hurt to rewire our brains. So much hurt you cant handle any more and so your brain is forced to rewire. You needed this trauma to heal your first trauma... I believe you all can do it. If I can then anyone can. Self love guys, self love. Have empathy for you by not giving a fu$K. I am always free to help those who want to better understand or need help and guidance. For now I have to get back to my journey. My channel hasn't had any content for months because I have been so consumed with trying to understand the Narc, but the reality was this was just life throwing me a lesson to help me understand myself. I hope you can all heal like I have. Right! I have to get back to my channel, I have a Lamborghini I want to own one day, and not creating content wont help. All the best my friends. Heal by being brutally honest with yourself. ❤❤❤

[@jacqueshealthy6456]

Best comment, so true.

[@nv9070]

I had succumb to 100% Agreeableness to survive all the dramatics and nonsense. After I learned what I was dealing with I over indulged in it and for some strange reason it worked for 2 1/12 yrs I managed to stay under the radar until I just had to leave! I have never met a narcissist like this one! Lord help her! I knew something was totally off from the get go but didn’t know what it was until you & KZbin!

[@hilarypotter3334]

Oh my gosh. As I was watching this, it was like you were reading my story and my soul, Dr Ramani. I think every single second of this video was me. I was raised with a narcissistic father and an emotionally disconnected mother. Makes for an interesting psyche. I am learning so much watching your videos. Thank you!

[@darrellthompson8864]

I'm in my third narcissistic relationship... This one is proving really difficult as this person is from another country and I have invested a huge amount of money in getting her citizenship... So I keep telling myself it can be all over when that goal has arrived... But there's more to this and I'm not sure. I have the strength and the mental constitution to get out of this relationship. I'm teetering on just remaining agreeable to the max just to get through the rest of my life... I'm 71 and really am having a difficult time finding the moxie to remove myself from this relationship...

[@darrellthompson8864]

The narcissist that I am married to now is from Chile and she is a psychologist.... And for me I'm self educated in psychology and have been and presently in therapy and still I am finding it nearly impossible to extricate myself from this relationship. My agreeableness is like quicksand and when I finally can't take it anymore and defend myself, holy hell breaks loose... She periodically goes to Chile for 3 months at a time and you would think that would be a great time for me. But I find myself unorganized and confused... then missing her...

[@gobigirl1]

@Darrell Thompson If she is a narcissist, I hope you can find the will to get out of the relationship. I'm 57, but I feel like the older we get, the more important it is to avoid cruel and unempathic people. The older we get, the more we are aware of our own potential vulnerability and fragility and the potential vulnerability of other people. If she is a narcissist, and you fell seriously ill or became more dependent upon her for help and care, I don't think she would have the empathy to be kind to you. She might even become enraged or contemptuous, as if you fell ill on purpose. She might exploit your increased dependence upon her. My personal preference is to be alone if I can't find a partner as kind as my longtime friends./ A relationship with a narcissist is a curiously addictive thing-- it is miserable, but most people tend to de-self themselves in a relationship with a narcissist-- they abandon important parts of themselves, see less of their friends, and focus more and more energy upon the narcissist, because things get ugly when they don't. So it makes sense that people miss their narcissistic abuser when the narcissist is away, because often they have become isolated and their relationship with themselves (and with their joys and hobbies and friends) has become weakened. The fact that you have literally invested all this money in helping her to get citizenship could also make it hard for you to leave-- we learn to future- fake OURSELVES. We say to ourselves, "Any minute now this mean person will notice how loyal and devoted I have been, and the seemingly sweet person who love-bombed me at the beginning will reappear!" You deserve someone as kind as you are. I have also discovered that dogs are very inspiring companions, with their enthusiasm for simple things like walks, and their huge, generous hearts (no matter how small the dog!). I'm not trying to be flippant. I know how hard it can be to leave.

[@gobigirl1]

Sorry to be so long-winded-- I also noticed the phrase you used:" I'm teetering on just remaining agreeable to the max just to GET THROUGH the rest of my life"-- no one who has your best interests at heart will want you to just "get through" the rest of your life, to endure, to live on crumbs of affection. If you leave possibly you might find someone kind and sincere like yourself. But even if you don't find such a partner, you would still have your friends and other healthier people to enjoy. I hope you can aim for truly enjoying the rest of your life as much as possible. Wishing you all good things.

[@darrellthompson8864]

Thank you for you are support and kind words... There are things that I have not mentioned that make this separation much more difficult. I am working with a good therapist so we shall see...

[@patriciapaulineguevara4123]

I am your agreeable friend. Hugs, Ramani.

[@amberorm1273]

My heart hurts. This video made me cry. It is so true.

[@timothydraper3687]

I was ensnared in a friendship with a vulnerable narcissist with grandiose elements, and I like to be nice and cooperate towards getting along. These videos and videos like them have been very helpful towards learning the signs to watch out for. If we can take time, the signs do show themselves. 🙂

[@jeanie5074]

Are you still in a relationship w/this grandiose friend? Is he/her always domineering, and selfish? Likes to yell and scream at you, when they can’t have their way? Self righteous, and stingy? The pendulum of narcissism has many meters😮

[@timothydraper3687]

@@jeanie5074 All of those things, she cut ties with me, which saved me from feeling too guilty at the time. Has been quite interesting to since learn about the guilt aspect when entangled with a narcissist.

[@riandebrouwer1818]

Big hug right back to you. ❤

[@petralee574]

Agreeable Introvert here - heart breaks are so much more intense, than for people who are lower on the agreeable spectrum. It is easier to withdraw than to feel that intense pain again. It takes longer to trust someone and most people would say that we are closed off. Which in turn feeds into the self doubt loop - ever more willing to improve. I have learned to be agreeable with myself: I agree to ask for what I need and want. I agree to walk away when my needs aren’t met. I agree to take time when I am exhausted. I agree to take care of myself. I agree to have fun. I agree …… insert whatever makes your heart sing

[@sara-xc8lt]

How much suffering would humanity save if these profiles led society!!

[@triple999fruitful]

The agreeable become reactive in the end. Which is another learning process. Eventually you become repellent to narcs.

[@fitrunner1317]

I am the agreeable person, you described me. I have felt bad for being the person I am, so nice etc. but what I am learning is that I jsut didn’t know nor have the tools to be wise enough to not tolerate the narcissist- my sister my whole life til 2 years ago - I finally set boundaries and cut communication. I can talk to her now on occasion. But don’t talk often. However, I have found myself in a friendship with a narcissist. I said to myself last week, “why do I attract a narcissist?” Now i understand why! This helps me knowing my personality - an agreeable person. I do that with him - I don’t speak up on things he does I don’t agree with. I hate that about myself. I don’t like being that way. And I have always been an extrovert. Still am but boy I have become more introvert over the last few years. Dealing with narcissist is so draining! Thank you so much Dr. Ramani for all of your amazing videos! You have helped me so much over the last few years! God bless you!

[@joni38]

This was mind-blowing! To have someone describe me so precisely, and put a name to it, "agreeable introvert" is extremely therapeutic. You have helped give me a different view of my painful experiences. For us, it feels very unnatural to just walk away / ignore the narcissist, because we know that they are a wounded child. Cannot thank you enough for this video. I didn't want it to end. Peace and blessings to you and yours.

[@sunnyjozani8421]

"I only kept you because you were nice" is what my malignant narcissistic father kept telling me when I was growing up (I stopped speaking to him when I grew up). Anyway, watched this video, took an online agreeableness test, and apparently, I'm 80% agreeable, so it all makes sense now.

[@BryantOden]

God bless all the gentle souls and genuine loving people in this world. You're the REAL superheroes in the human experience. And to all the narcissists out there go kick rocks and eat dust!

[@Dani-cg9hn]

I love this Series! I learned in court last year I am an "agreeable" person and quickly had to find a definition. The key is focusing on our own self not the others. The more I know about me, the more I know how to listen with my Right Brain, the more I say No, the more identify what I like,(I didn't know this before) and the more I stand on my ground. Love learning about BEing me. Thank you for this Series!