Why anxious and avoidant partners are attracted to each other and how to make it work.

If you have an anxious attachment style or an avoidant one, chances are, you’ve partnered up with your opposite attachment style at least a handful of times. Anxious and avoidant folks are magnetized to each other. Those are the rules. In this video we’ll explore why they’re attracted to each other and how they can have a healthier relationship together.
✅ Follow TherapyJeff on TikTok: / therapyjeff
✅ Follow TherapyJeff on Instagram: / therapyjeff
✅ Check out my website at www.therapyjef...
✅ Find a therapist on TherapyDen: www.therapyden...
#attachmentstyle #anxiousattachmentstyle #relationships #datingadvice
If you want more relationship tips and dating advice make sure you subscribe! And if you enjoyed my tips a free way to support my channel is to like this video. If you have any questions or feedback make sure to leave them in the comments section.
I am not taking on clients at this time. If you’re looking for a counselor like me check out TherapyDen.com to easily find a therapist near you!
Even though I’m a licensed therapist, I’m not your licensed therapist. This account is not a substitute for professional therapy. You should go find your own therapist at TherapyDen.com if you want individualized help.

[@tavoton1989]

The main issue I have with Avoidants is that they tend to favor ending the relationship before working on it, while the Anxious Attacher tries and claws desperately to try to understand and make the relationship work, separation being their last resort.

[@xEPICxNESS]

This is very true. I used to run. I ran so fast and didn’t have Plan A B and C, I had ESCAPE plan A B and C. I always avoided and left so they didn’t leave me which became a cycle because technically they DID leave (which I never realized I was enabling myself). I’m happy these topics are being discussed because I would have never realized how much my childhood affected my relationships. You’re valid in your feelings.

[@clairelicciardo6198]

It’s a reaction that becomes a pattern I think, and without a better self- understanding of what is not even a conscious choice. That’s my explanation of myself as an avoidant anyway. But as we learn more about why we are the way we are with videos like this, we learn better ways to act instead of react in relationships.

[@lynou-cats]

Yes ! I'm an Anxious partner 👋 last time, i had a crush on an Avoidant, he put out a No directly on the relationship and continued to be a sweet guy all the same, coming back and forth. It was such a frustrating situation 🥲

[@dunn1375]

Guilty. We like to feel like we’re given the proper, autonomy to think on our own for a moment and then come to you and open up and the best way for that to happen is gentleness and easing into heavily emotional/big decision type of conversations. If that opportunity or respect isn’t given and you just push push push, it’s so draining and forces my hand to detach from you until I can get my peace back. Give us the space to respond without pressuring a response and forcing a decision based on your impatience. You see the biggest issue comes when we feel pressured to be vulnerable and it’s not on our accord, as selfish as that may sound, it’s simply the fact that our emotionally battery is limited - almost how an introvert can only socialize so much before their energy tank is at 0%? - this is no different - and that takes understanding and patience to unveil but once you do and add to the equation with respect/appreciation for the decision process , things are smoother sailing by a long shot. I guarantee it.

[@tavoton1989]

@@dunn1375 smoother for the avoidant. The anxious attacher suffers waiting for the avoidant to decide they are ready to talk. Most avoidants take that "space" to think about a way to end the relationship, while the anxious attacher is going through the emotions of being treated like this.

[@nnylasoR]

*“Basically, what it comes down to is you’ve got to see this relationship as a healing relationship that will help you grow, instead of a crazy-making relationship that will drive you bonkers.”* 👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆

[@ekmackenzie]

I like that you are the ONLY therapist who looks for a way to work this out, and doesn't make it look like "you bad toxic attatchment styles can't ever have a relationship with anyone!" You have given me soooo much help! First video I feel like I can share with my avoidant boyfriend! Thank you so much!!!

[@jreal54]

I do agree this has been one of the best ones that you can actually share with your partner of the opposite style and have it be safe to do so to help promote positive communication between.

[@taylorbee4010]

This can be a very toxic dynamic though if neither knows what they are doing or at least one doesn’t heal

[@ekmackenzie]

@jreal54 yes! And since this video, I have spoken with my partner who has the opposite attachment style, and we have been doing sooo much better! I am so glad I didn't just give up on him!! I love him so much. We have ho estly made it past all the big hurdles and are working on making a meaningful relationship!

[@attilatoth4880]

Í cant do that!

[@jreal54]

@@ekmackenzie thank you for the share of your relationship success, it gives me hope but also reminds me to be a little more gentle when my internal frustrations rise, to balance myself first and then come back at it again from a different approach to her. Cheers!

[@UnraveledwithJoy]

1. Analyse your belief system when something goes wrong in the relationship 2. Anticipate your partners needs and empathise with their experiences 3. Validate, compromise and offer solutions

[@xEPICxNESS]

My fiancé is an anxious attached and I am dismissive avoidant. Learning about him, his attachment style, love language and perspective changed my life and I learned to not take advantage (unintentionally) of his insecurities to ensure he stays like I did in our early 20s. I wanted him to chase me because it made me feel wanted, and he felt the need to keep me so I don’t abandon him. Learning about each other transformed our relationship and built genuine trust. Trusting is the root. You cannot trust if you do not trust yourself, and we kept enabling each others attachment issues until we healed (don’t fall for the “you can’t help yourself if you’re in a relationship” trope because you’re allowed support!)

[@matt-g-recovers]

You give me hope

[@mireial8201]

This was beautifully written and honestly, thank you for sharing :)

[@microscopic.caterpill]

I feel so seen, and I am happy you and your fiancé are doing well 🤍 Im currently in my early 20s with this guy, and I’m also dismissive avoidant as he’s anxious attached, so I can agree everything you’ve shared resonates. I keep running and he keeps chasing, even when we are now cities apart lol. I feel bad because I know how his childhood was, so I know how this chase thing is all familiar for him, but I also want him and- it’s so complicated. I’m trying to get me on track too and I want to step out of this fear. Your love story inspires me and gives me hope. I have not felt this seen in a while, and I hope many more blessings come your way

[@1972hermanoben]

Your fiancé has struck gold with you. I wish you guys the best.

[@kathleenhebert2278]

Wow, It just hit me, I have some double wammy avoidance tendencies topic categories that I fall under toooo 😅😅

[@garynhea]

As an avoidant (I only realised it from watching KZbin videos),I've been watching the same clips multiple times for 8 months because it illustrated my last relationship as if it were written about us. But this is the first time I’ve seen a video that tries to explain how to cope with it effectively. It was a relationship with so much promise, but it fell apart exactly as described in the videos. She (anxious type) found me occasionally cold and distant and I (avoidant) couldn't comprehend how much I found the argumentative, confrontational way in which she tried to deal with it. This was often when she was drunk or at inopportune moments in the middle of the night. The combination drove us apart. If we as a couple, had seen this video or understood why things happened as they did, we could have dealt with our problems. I've learnt a lot about myself from watching this movie (so many times!) and I am determined not to make the same mistake in future. I've wanted to send a link to my ex, but it doesn't feel like the right thing to do - we haven't spoken for a long time and I fear she will view it as a personal criticism. I wish I knew this information a long time ago. Thank you for creating it.

[@gg.6633]

You could still send it to her. As an anxious myself, I would love to get this from my avoidant.

[@sotheareapov6297]

hey Gary, I understand your point of view. I just recently realize that I am an anxious attachment type of woman, and believe me, if you put it the right way, your ex wont feel like it is a criticism. We anxious attachment women dont mind explanation or a kind reach out. Do it, if you believe you two have something real. Even though It might not turn out as a reconnection, it is still a helpful thing for her to know so that she can make a better relationship in the future. Best of luck

[@mayurijaiswal6396]

😎

[@mayurijaiswal6396]

😎

[@Vera-sc3ud]

Don't be avoidant,send her. Who cares? I'm like her,and I would have liked if someone did that.

[@markcollins1012]

I find that the hardcore avoidants don't like to do the work. Your video is great and your suggestions seem helpful. But many avoidants can't get themselves to even acknowledge that they have an issue, let alone watch a video like this.

[@juleswest2898]

I feel the truth in this statement.

[@AP-vu7sx]

this , so it all makes it so much harder !!

[@jopainting1668]

Why is it that a 30 minute walk has never been enough to do it for any of the avoidant types I've dated 🤔 It's often more like days or weeks of alone time.

[@bens52310]

I'm an anxious. I was just dumped a little over a week ago by my avoidant partner. She is fiercely avoidant, she had told me just the other day (we are still talking some) that she cannot, even if she is alone at home, even talk to the wall about her feelings. That shocked me. As the complete opposite attachment style I can't seem to wrap my brain around that type of paralysis. I truly feel for her and I have hope (perhaps misguided) that we can be together again someday. She is very independent. I recognize that I need to work on my own dependence as well. I so desperately want to help her but know that only she can help herself. She is scheduled for a therapy session in a couple weeks but also said she does not know if she will stick with it. I knew she was avoidant when we met (because I researched heavily) but I had no idea she had this severe block on her feelings and expression. She is an absolutely amazing person and I wish her the best. Thank you for listening everyone! It feels good to get it out!

[@Nuray653]

are you back together?

[@bens52310]

@@Nuray653 nope. She met someone new, rebounded, only went to 2 therapy sessions and quit. We're still talking but less and less. I think she thinks she's moved on but most definitely still has feelings for me and I her. I need to let her go and move on but I'm struggling to do so

[@Nuray653]

@@bens52310 good luck brother. I am avoidant but been dumped several times by girls i cared about and currently am in a similar situation. Hope you'll move on fast

[@joev7014]

@@bens52310she probably won’t last with the new guy either. She reminds me of my ex… extreme avoidant. But guess what, she got pregnant 3 months after I broke up with her. And guess what, she isn’t with that guy either now. And guess what she came back to me with a hey, and guess what I tried talking to her, didn’t get too deep into it and I realized she still the same…. These people don’t change. You’ll go you’re entire life stressed about it. Just walk away. It’s hard for the first month than it’s liberating

[@theprinceofcrows8691]

​@@joev7014Exactly, they don't typically change and the best you can do if they are extreme is walk away and when they inevitably come back don't even kid yourself. I have been down this road enough to know and have had some chase me for over a decade after I let go but they are still that same person emotionally and physically and if anything they get worse. You may be ok with someone who is mildly avoidant but sincerely wants to make it work but not someone that extreme or who is not willing to put in the work. The toughest thing you have to do is the best thing you can do for your own mental health and sanity. It is just one of those facts of life that suck but we aren't meant to be with everyone and there is no point beating yourself to death with someone who you have a toxic relationship with. Good luck to everyone here and I hope everyone finds that special someone one day. 🤙

[@CarolynVan]

Relationship with avoidant ended a couple of months ago. I was anxious in the beginning and then became secure near the end as I really took my healing journey seriously. It became clear my security triggered him. He spiralled downward in to his insecurities (which is ok, we all get triggered) - but the real problem was that he often fired off at me (Blame, gaslighting, shutting down, flighting, etc.) instead of seeing his opportunity to look inwards / claim some ownership / accountability. This told me we don't see eye to eye on what a healthy, mature, grown, harmoneous partnership is and the courage and communication it requires.

[@msscorpio14]

I just broke up with my ex and l loved him so much. He’s a sensitive guy but refused to acknowledge his need for help for our relationship to work. When confronted he labeled me as needy. I believe we do have different relationship perspectives I wish he would’ve been more forthcoming with me but he refused to open up. 😢

[@zeynepu.5173]

The hardest thing to manage is the issues. For example, you have a fight. One of the partners will need reassurance and communication, and the other craves personal space and time to think it over by themselves. It is challenging cause the needs are the complete opposite and one of the two has to sacrifice which can build up resentment over time. Any thoughts on this?

[@eva.866]

I think he does a pretty good job at giving advice about this at 3.45 to 4.09

[@TheTroutyness]

I am attempting taking turns

[@empressd7]

Usually the anxious person is the one that ends up sacrificing because they never get reassurance, they only get ignored

[@felixlenert3649]

@empressd7 this isn't particularly true, just because the anxious one seems to have a lot to more to give than the avoidant one, you'd conclude its always the anxious one compromising, but it ultimately comes down who has their attachment style more under control than the other one

[@joev7014]

My advice…. Find another partner before you waste all your energy and health over something that’ll end anyways

[@SisJannie]

This is awesome! But when you said give space, me heart dropped and I got butterflies. Anxiety went up. I can't comprehend that space is healthy.

[@uniquedavenport7232]

Of course its healthy for all of us space is not a bad thing but going ghost without letting your partner know you need space is totally different and can cause issues..in my opinion

[@meianeko]

Even as an anxious type I value giving and receiving space. We are first and foremost individuals, and we shouldn't drown in a connection to someone else, which means leaving some mental and physical space for ourselves to operate in ❤️

[@Vera-sc3ud]

That means do not chase. Let him do things in his or her own moment. Do not connect it with you. And frankly, sometimes you just shouldn' t give a f*uck a liitle bit,if you get my point.

[@lucylight176]

@@Vera-sc3ud yes

[@Eg-jd9zt]

@@Vera-sc3ud I feel like when they do this I just end it. It’s selfish. Yea I respect space I love my space which is prob why I date avoidants lol, but they go to such an extreme and their way of doing it can be so rash and one sided I’m like “cya have it for life.” lol.

[@danielleknight8036]

Hello! This was extremely helpful. As an anxious attachment, I am always expressing my feelings to the other person so they can understand where I’m coming from. However, I find that a lot of times my feelings and needs aren’t acknowledged and I’m always begging the other person (avoidant attachment) to communicate. Any advice for this?

[@nvl9841]

You're describing my exact situation! Would love to know the advice.

[@maelysjuttier4576]

Okay so I'm no expert and I don't really know if this is a great idea, but I'm anxious type and my boyfriend is avoiding type but we learned to communicate better. I kind of started doing something he really likes when I wanted to talk to him, like he looooves back massages. So I asked him if he would be ok to try and talk to me and as he talk I give him a massage. I literally told him "I will massage you as long as you talk and when you stop I'll stop" and it worked, I guess the immediate reward motivated him to open up and now he's able to talk more easily to me. And also if he's used to lie because he's scared of your reaction, try to show him that in the end it is far more better for him to tell you what's going on instead of lying because you are more open and understanding. Even if it's an unsettling news, try saying that it's hard to hear and you might need a lot of time but one day you'll be able to hear hard things without like starting an argument or get really anxious

[@missbhoir]

I'll follow up with this comment

[@CHRISTChrysalisInManhaim]

@@maelysjuttier4576 your massaging tactic seems really understandable...I'll have to try that

[@patriciabiral6659]

I'll follow up with this comment too

[@lauraclarke2901]

I’m watching these videos crying. It’s bringing back such feelings of hurt but understanding

[@vialoxn]

sending so much love. Me too btw. So much i wish i knew. But im growing. ☺️ here’s to your journey 🥂

[@microscopic.caterpill]

Hope you two are doing well 🍹

[@jdprettynails]

I’m very anxious and I’m just recently realising my partner is avoidant. The thing I’m focusing on those is every tiny positive moment that shows he cares….well…more obsessing over them. I have a google doc compiling all of our cute/sweet moments together. And at the beginning there’s a LOT but that’s dwindled over time and it hurts so much. But the moments when he comes back to me feels so amazing and I love him so much. I miss him all the time. The document helps from time to time, but it’s also painful because we’re not as all over each other as we used to be. He says he prefers what we have now because when he’s with me he feels comfortable, safe and relaxed. Which makes me feel wonderful hearing that…but I find it so hard when he leaves again.

[@lexis.2006]

wow, i feel like we’re the same person. that’s exactly how me and my boyfriend are, except we’re long distance as well

[@jdprettynails]

@@lexis.2006 yeah…we’re long distance too. A month ago he told me he didn’t want a long distance relationship because he doesn’t think he has the mental energy to maintain a relationship. Which is understandable. Plus he’s going through a lot on his own life. We met up for a concert and I thought we were just going as friends….but nope! Things got physical between us and it was amazing. But now I don’t know where we stand. He’s gone completely distant. He still responds to my messages if they’re lighthearted. I’m trying my best to not put pressure on him for answers cause I don’t want to make him run away. But at the same time I’m an anxious mess. I miss him so much and I just want some reassurance that he feels the same way. But I don’t know how to ask for that without freaking him out.

[@lpsensei522]

Talk to him about your attachment styles cmon.. If he makes effort to improve the relationship great... There's your validation. Anxious attachment occur due to lack of self love.. You seek validation outside yourself all the time but abandon and neglect yourself and your own needs. Because you still have to develop self worth. You see what im saying? ... Develop self love.. NOW. You are enough and you deserve the best and to be loved juat because you exist.

[@lpsensei522]

You have to talk self love to your inner child. That it's not your fault that you grew up in an environment that subconsciously made you neglect your needs and focus on others instead. It's not bad to be sensitive.. You're not too much. First off this attachment makes you fear being independent. You overthink way too much and stay in fear energy. Try to meditate / do other inner work tk strengthen your mind... Then start meeting your needs, even emotional ones by talking to your inner child once you feel hurt. Tell your inner child that it's okay if you don't get accepted by others. You are enough and you were made to be different from others, not to be like them.

[@jdprettynails]

@@lpsensei522 Yeah I’m learning that now he completely discarded me and told me he assumed we were “just friends” the whole time. I feel so used and lied to.

[@emilys265]

It's crazy how common this is, and people don't even realize it! I didn't realize I was an avoidant and my bf was an anxious attachment until THIS WEEK. We almost thought we had to break up. Thankfully my degree in psychology made me question things and I started reading into the attachment styles. It explained SO MUCH. As an avoidant, I knew what I wanted. I wanted to stay in the relationship, but I couldn't move forward with the communication difficulties we were having. I realized I was subconsciously pushing him away from fear of getting too close. He is the first man in my life to ever truly care and love me the way I deserve. This is the first healthiest relationship we both have been in, and like Jeff said, it's a healing relationship for us. Hoping this realization will help us become closer and grow together as a couple. Best of luck to you all in your relationships

[@greyrock9747]

I would ask my ex for reassurance after offering space and she would never give it. She would insist I was being selfish.

[@xubbijoux6943]

Instead of saying, it 's not going to work, thank you for offering a solution to the problems. My boyfriend is the anxious & I'm the avoidant. I have been looking at it the wrong way. I like your suggestions of how to deal with it. I would rather work it out, because when I do take that break from him I miss him & I want it to work. I do need to draw him close by telling him, I think he's the absolute best! THANK YOU SO MUCH!

[@melmel7011]

Im avoidant and I think anxious would be perfect for me. I like when im 100% sure that a person wants me.

[@mauraxo]

Wow. It actually feels good to hear

[@amberwatson7101]

then please do not run away or break up when they want to discuss issues/ adress negative aspects or want to talk things out

[@wendyberrios5957]

I’m happy you like this, but please be ready to show that you 100% want your anxious partner. Otherwise, you’re going to torture a poor soul who just wanted to love and feel loved…

[@melmel7011]

Walking away hurts us too. Deeply, but we are cowards.We want to make it work but we are too scared, scared of making the wrong choice with you guys by giving our all to you and get hurt. We are very insecure deep down but are scared to show it. It's easier to hurt ourselves by walking away, and tell ourselves that it was never going to work after all. Thats a narrative we can control. Iv finally found an anxious partner. Im very happy, I feel safe with him bcz I know he will fight for us and will not let me go.

[@amberwatson7101]

@@melmel7011 you cannot imagine that the walking away part and not fighting for ist the part that hurts THE MOST! Gosh and how it hurts…

[@3firstnames903]

My ex is an avoidant, but she did a really good job at comforting me and reassuring me until I kinda became too much, and I overwhelmed her. I wish I would’ve known about these things earlier

[@mr.sushi2221]

I’m in the same boat

[@vialoxn]

don’t worry. It’s part of life. We’re all a little bit messed up and working on ourselves. maybe the experience helped you grow :)

[@ryux]

Don't think about what could have should have been. Even if you knew all of these things - as long as the DA is not working really really hard to fix the attachment style you will always end up in the same space of feeling unloved and constantly worthless. Fix your own attachment - become secure and try to find someone who can meet your needs

[@3firstnames903]

@@ryux I understand, but I’d say on a sliding scale she was mostly secure with DA tendencies. I’m not beating myself up about it, but I do know what I need to work on now, so I’m grateful

[@Eg-jd9zt]

@@ryux I agree. The only difference is a secure person leaves. As I’ve become more secure I can’t stand avoidant behaviors for long. I’m not going to sacrifice my needs for their issues. It has to be a two way street of working on the relationship. Let alone the feeling of rejection from them is awful. I’d rather be alone over that

[@Kdiruso7]

Very helpful. I’m an avoidant and I’ve always struggled with feeling like I’m not enough in relationships. Getting close to people is difficult because I feel like they are going to leave me one day and avoiding intimacy is me preparing for the day they decide to do so. It’s a vicious cycle. This video has really helped me understand things that went wrong in my past relationships. Thank you so much 🥺

[@chuck3999]

Is it really the Avoidant? Or is the other party just emotionally unavailable?

[@chuck3999]

The thing about therapy of any kind is to find a label they can pin on an individual, leaving them not good enough or feeling insecure. Such a double standard!

[@chuck3999]

Therapy may work for some. But it can be a complete waste of time for others!

[@lovene1001]

I seriously been in a relationship with an avoidant for 5 years, as an anxious attachment I feel like I carried the whole relationship. It was too much emotionally he didn’t meet those needs. It finally ended he’s the one who blindsided me

[@dj912sent9]

How did he blindside you? Sorry you had to go through that. I hope you learn to better take care of you and learn your value. Most likely you overvalued him and undervalued yourself. Need to realize your value and that will attract people who will value you.

[@dawncrawford9159]

You’re right ~ avoid it, and anxious can heal each other 💯

[@AP-vu7sx]

Only if the avoidant actually recognises these things in themselves and is willing to work on themsleves as well as the relationsjp .

[@walsie435]

It sucks being an avoidant. I just lost the love of my life because I am an avoidant. I wish I knew all this stuff during the relationship.

[@mattgoodmangoodmanlawnmowi2454]

So much for the idea that my avoidant magnetism was leading me to repeat the same mistakes over and over, thinking my charisma would lead me to an ideal relationship. Apparently it is a bit deeper and more complicated than I thought. -Matt’s dad

[@43cassy]

Heal your abandonment issues…separately. That is the root. You can’t change another human no matter how much you placate, comfort, compromise, etc. That person must make a conscious choice to change for themselves without any coercion. That is the only lasting change. I speak from experience. All the best on your healing journey!✨

[@annettelozano5232]

This is helpful and straightforward! This has given me so much clarity. Im the anxious sweetie and my man is the avoidant babe. We are currently having issues with communication, plus we are on LDR. Lately I often feel like Im begging for his attention and to communicate with me like how we used to. It starts to hurt me, but it also hurts me how needy I can get because I feel like he is disconnected, and I don’t want that feeling of being needy. I used to be comfortable when there’s silence in our communication. This helped so much! Gonna share this video with him. Thank you so much!

[@TomAZ1984]

Anxious male (38) met avoidant female (32) on an adult sight. Hit it off great (lots of personal similarities, tastes). Wish I had seen this first!

[@lilianarios3651]

Just ended a relationship with an avoidant. I’m definitely anxiously attached. He was my first avoidant partner and I was his first anxious attached partner. This video gave me so much clarity. Thank you so much.

[@khalifleur]

I love this bc advice is given to both avoidant & anxious. I’ve seen many just tell anxious ppl how to change for avoidants. I’m learning so much from how easy you breakdown and give examples. Thank you so much

[@superdairyboy]

I would like to see more on Healing Relationships too. When I search I get info on how to heal a relationship, but this concept is different. This is a relationship based on Healing each others mental health issues and not fixing a broken relationship. Granted these relationship types can and are broken. However the purpose of the relationship is to heal, not necessarily to get married and such.

[@joeb5578]

Thanks. I'm an Anxious avoidant and my gf is an Avoidant. I think I'm beginning to understand both our dynamics. I'm learning to give her all the space she she needs and when she comes back to me, she tells me how much she misses me and loves me. Thanks

[@JustAnotherConcernedCitizen]

Can you please make a video on communicating about attachment styles especially to someone who kinda doesn't even "believe in psychology" because they are so afraid of facing things and why ending relationships is not the solution for such attachment styles as you can keep going from person to person and kind of reenacting your past relationships? I tried sharing videos, it didn't help because he kept postponing watching them and later refused to even talk about it. I am working on myself but the relationship needs both of us to understand it in order for it to work. We both need to put the effort. Whenever I bring up my feelings and tell him that this way things would just fade. He tries for two days and then it's all the same. Kind of like, I have to be the understanding one all the time. He has no idea how much it takes for me to do that. I know he loves me very much and I love him more, I know his wounds, I won't abandon him but I also know that such relationships don't last long because the feeling of being connected is missing most times. I wish someone else could tell him this stuff instead of me.

[@amele820]

Well the main problem is that to make the relationship work, mostly the anxious partner is required to manage their expectations of closeness, give space that avoidant needs and try to become more secure on their own. - that’s what book attached talks about. Every example of “working” relationship between A-A is when anxious one basically went with a comfortable flow for avoidant. That’s doesn’t seem to me as “working model” so I said - I don’t want that and I left my avoidant partner after so many years of suffering and trying to make it work

[@jazr7997]

This is me and my partner 😫😫😫 thank you for this video. I’m really trying to be patient with it

[@stretch3986]

More tools please! My ex and I are still very much in touch and care a lot about each other. We had this exact dynamic. (I am the anxious cutie).

[@allthingsjana7870]

Did you ever get back together?

[@stretch3986]

@allthingsjana7870 we did and it was great...until he got triggered. He is too damaged and shut down on me despite my asking him not to shut down on me whatever he does. I was heartbroken 💔.

[@allthingsjana7870]

@@stretch3986 i know how difficult it is. Mine is focused on work and never opens up about anything. Also get limited communication and doesn't do feelings..

[@stretch3986]

@@allthingsjana7870 YES! hyperforcus on work and career, acts like a petulant child if asked to communicate about anything and doesnt even know how to feel. JUst stuffed it all down. sounds like we dated the same person! he finally realized he needed professional help and I got him a therapist and helped him out a little. was the love of my life.

[@SharifahzAly]

It takes two to work on it ! ❤

[@МарияАблова-э1ч]

So helpphul. I just realized that my love is avoidant dismissive type. And he is so grateful now. He can see that I am trying to understand instead of rejecting or blaming, and it's really encourage him to continue ❤ There is some positive dinamic for sure Thank You for your job!

[@KUDOS_2_YOU]

I really appreciate you giving solid advice on how to move beyond identifying being in an anxious + avoidant partnership because I really want my relationship to work out. It will def require a lot of work in this "healing" relationship but you have given me more hope going forward, THANK YOU!!!!

[@frauneupo]

Wow, this is exactly what my relationship needs! Please continue to post these!

[@TherapyJeff]

For sure!

[@SisJannie]

I think I pushed my over the edge and he not coming back 🙄 I'm keeping tally and looking for signs. I don't know how to stop the drama

[@luqmaansounoor2540]

Finally I did find a good video who’s providing a much better solution than most of them asking me to do the same as my partner is doing

[@almcclain1061]

Finally a short, clear, deep and encouraging explanation of these dynamics.

[@gurdianzee3415]

As an anxious person talking to a avoidant partner this is extremely helpful and now I know how to move and what to do

[@PhilNing]

I just recently realized that I am a dismissive avoident after a huge falling out with my anxious preoccupied friend. There are so many videos about romantic relationships but I don't find alot on other relationships like friends, family, colleagues. Additional, the methods for healthy communication might be the same but it's a whole different conversation when you have to do this with your boss or your mother. And there is so much hate for avoidants -particulary DA's. From us being narcissists to sociopaths. Someone wrote we should never date...anyone...EVER. We are destroyers of hearts and minds. And anyone who dates us is an absolute saint or rather a martry because any relationship is a lost cause. Ups the shame factor just enough so DAs like me stay hidden. I'm remorseful about my actions (now that I realize how they were interpreted) but find it frightening, like deep in my core, to confront them. I don't want to feel vulnerable and I don't want to hurt people either-but I do. But I'm honestly glad that I now know what my style is. It's given me great clarity. I'm all about self reflection and improving ( my safe logic side) so I am open to being better. I want to better and I will. Hurt people hurt people. But if we can acknowledge our hurt, our wounds and work to heal them then there is hope.

[@bradleyfrank7933]

this is why as an avoidant, I keep all social interaction platonic. I don't lead anyone on, and they can't heap unreasonable expectations on me to be something I'm not. Everyone is happy.

[@drlizziewho]

So glad I finally found you off TikTok so I can more easily forward your videos to my own therapist!

[@TherapyJeff]

LOLLLL

[@SisJannie]

She about tell you don't come back 😂😂 my counselor never heard of anxious attachment. TikTok is more credible in my life right now

[@patricial8753]

Same here 🙌🏽

[@vivalicious99]

This is exactly what I have been going through with my boyfriend. He is so great and very perfect, but this anxious and avoidant style has made us have to do a constant push and pull! Thank you!

[@jasonfaultless5545]

this might actually help me out right now, i am the anxious type and the girl i am interested in also like me and has been through a lot plus she is avoidant. this vid gives me hope that we can work through things

[@jujubee90275]

I appreciate your video as your are licensed clinician. So many videos posted on attachment theory by unlicensed folks.

[@ToucheTJ]

Omg this truth hit hard and direct! The past few months thinking back it's like I have been looking for reasons to prove that my partner is not holding up their end of the bargain and have been overbearing with my amount of attention and willingness to do anything for the relationship!

[@joons_park]

As an anxious side, I don't understand why the avoidant finds a relationship though they have a fear of intimacy

[@1972hermanoben]

Thanks man, I really appreciate your response. You're right, it's a journey not a destination and our priority has to be to sort ourselves out. I don't think feelings are easily within our control as thoughts and actions are, and the last thing I want or need is a mother figure (my motter irl is plenty to deal with, believe me!). But yes, compatibility needs to be addressed honestly. Best of luck in everything. Thanks again.

[@leoniemouricette2179]

If I said to the avoidant I get he needs space but to reassure me. He would just say I am manipulating him facts.

[@karmasutra4774]

This is legit

[@NovaSky333]

The moment I started to finally feel secure in my last relationship with my avoidant ex, they started a very strange argument where I got defensive (not my best moment). I had the willingness to continue to learn together after the comfort, I took accountability and wanted to move forward, together. Ultimately, we broke up😢 and I have little hope that we will reconcile

[@thepuzzlemaker3012]

I'm totally avoidant, he is (was, cause we broke up) totally anxious. I am very glad to have found this video and grateful for your kind and wise words, because I was feeling rather lost after yet another failed relationship, knowing that I'm avoidant and not seeing a way to make any future relationship work... Looking at it as a healing opportunity is beautiful, and it totally matches my view on how we can be harmonious despite not being perfect. Thank you ❤️

[@frances4773]

That was so awesome how you helped me with solutions and clarity lots of hope you’re so gentle and you’re speaking referring to us as “sweeties”

[@AnnaPark-01]

I must compliment you on your confident knowledgeable straight to the point and non judgmental creation of a video you have created here to help our world with seeing things on a much deeper level. You have a natural gift and I’m happy I found your channel. God has a big smile! Have a wonderful day.

[@hurleyjoe]

Protip if you’re naturally the anxious attachment: Run. I’m 31 and all I seem to attract are the avoidant type, and it never, ever goes well. The tips given in this video are great, but they can’t beat the master tip: don’t engage and save yourself some time and heartache, look for a more secure attachment partner instead.

[@saetae9208]

Or look to become a more secure partner

[@uniquedavenport7232]

BOTH of you guys are right!

[@ultravioletcatastrophe]

@@saetae9208 running is just not an option so i guess i'll have to do this instead

[@onnol917]

I am missing the part where you say work on yourself. You can become secure and if you feel for someone else throwing it away because you can not handle it says something about you as well.

[@clownworld4655]

@@saetae9208 not even this fixes it. Even for secure people avoidant people are often too distant

[@simcptmike]

I'm seeing all these videos way too late. 😢 *subscribed*

[@CommandoMaster]

Seems hard to make it work, unless both sides are aware of their attachment styles, and are actively trying to improve on it/compromise to some degree. Otherwise, they will eventually push each other away.

[@Ptozay]

Wow and just like that we’re fixed

[@ironcupcake75]

Please make more of these videos! ❤

[@kassiademorais978]

What if I have both problems? Do I complete myself? 😂😅😬

[@john.knappster]

That's great to give tips on what each partner can do for each other. However, what are you supposed to do when you anxious partner doesn't give you the space you need or your avoidant partner just keeps avoiding everything?

[@tim2154]

thank you. finally a video where somebody is trying to help these people work it out and not just throw in hands in the air and call it a day.

[@sheebitz]

I realized I had an avoidant attachment style yesterday, and my wife has an anxious attachment style (same-sex) We love each other a ton and we make it work but there was always something that felt missing, and watching videos like this makes it make soooo much more sense. Thank you for making a video that helps us improve our relationship, I was so discouraged because so many was in favor of us not being capable

[@InfiniteTravelingSpirit2BE]

tx Jeff for the opportunity to grow, options instead of just throwing away something tha tmay have potential.

[@michaelacappabianca6461]

This was beautifully put just hope my avoidant will actually listen to this video

[@lennartbjurstrom2548]

I have had the fortune of finding a healing relationship with a wonderful friend. Unfortunately, we cannot be a romantic couple which hurts. But BFF isn’t that bad either, right?

[@MichelleIsProsperous]

Not bad, however, longing for more and knowing it won’t go anywhere can hurt like hell

[@GAnderson-u8l]

Beat video i have seen on this topic. Quick . To the point. And you offer a reasonable solution. Thank you.

[@imperfectmike6951]

Hey man! Thanks for all the help. My partner and I fall into these style and we would love more videos and tips on to better love and support each other.

[@nicolesenise]

I've watched this five times because it was so spot on! Ouch.... thank you for this!!!

[@kjell-olavmossestad5401]

This video is alittle naive Im afraid. The avoidants wont so easily actively make these adjustments.. because they are avoidants, and fear intimacy. Proposing this tip from this video will most probably scare him/her even further from you. The anxious has to do most of the work.. that way the avoidant gets more secure. Dont expect your avoidant to meet you half way. The second you try to come with clever ideas like this, they will really like the "giving them space" side of things. The "reassure the anxious partner- side of things, not so much. It triggers them to run.

[@cassandrajsnow9293]

Thia video literally made me understand so much about myself.

[@TherapyJeff]

So happy to hear that!

[@lucy6778]

I find im always anxious about things, like so intensely. Ive always wanted to negotiate, let the anxious person or like just the person get space. But i always would ask for a timeframe, i was never reassured. I was always told i shouldnt need reassurance from him in those moments. He was never doing his part. I just wanted a time and reassurance. We would then try discuss our needs and it just turned into an argument. He’d yell at me, cussing me out and id end up in tears. Id then be insulted for being in tears. we’d eventually get there, not really, most times i was selling my needs short or just getting over it not to cause issues. Even after all the yelling and crying, he refused to say anything positive. I was always wanting to reconnect after those traumatising situations. But he didnt, and it just would turn into another argument sometimes.

[@sqdec]

Sounds like you were blessed to have this relationship be in the past. There many forms of love and some of them aren’t good for neither one of the people in it, no matter how much love you feel for the person, understand why they are the way they are and so on… If you still feel the need to love someone who brings you suffering, then it’s important to understand why you do it, asking yourself questions like - would you be ok to see someone you love being treated the way you are? What would you tell the person you care about who is in this bad situation and clearly suffering? Why do you think love and constantly suffering because of the other person’s behavior are closely linked? Thinking about this can hurt a lot, but it can be your first step to your healing journey :)❤

[@stephienxb]

Therapy Jeff, I’ve done years of therapy, and I’ve learned so much along the way and am forever on a healing journey in this mad world, and your work has been so tremendously helpful. Love the accessibility you’re providing to actual therapeutic advice in these spaces (social media)! Thank you for all of the hard work you have been putting in to help others!

[@Evajeanfreedom]

Thank you so much for this video. My partner and I are both very strong personalities. I used to be anxious but have become very avoidant since we got engaged. We are workjng with a therapist to make things better. Having been both sides of the fence, I know how complex this stuff can be and how much it affects your decisions and emotions in a relationship.

[@indianempress2470]

Really great tips but not everyone has patience for that. They feel like walking on eggshells eveytime and that they are being targeted, rather than sincerely wanting to empathize with how their pathner feels. Demonizing, Disreguard or dismissal makes it harder when one tries to communicate what bothers him/her. It is then more difficult to trust anyone being vulnerable. Not sure if I'm going off a tangent but the subjective's experiences are facts.

[@becausetheinternettttt]

Hi Jeff! Thanks for posting the videos, they are very insightful. Could you make a video about how anxious can become more secure? Thanks!

[@TherapyJeff]

Yep! Plannin on it!

[@danielf5433]

@@TherapyJeff Same topic for the avoiders among us would be great! :)

[@gingerblatt4020]

In my current relationship dynamic, he is the avoidant and I am the anxious. I have always been more of a secure attachment but losing my fiancé 7 years ago extremely suddenly then dating an emotionally abusive man for a year and a half, I believe that's what may have created an anxious attachment in me now. We recently went through a really bad spell and I walked away, but within a very short time, we worked things out. I began therapy and am working on finding my validation and security through other means (ex: I've begun to pour into myself more by spending time with friends and/or family instead of always with him. This relieved the pressure he was feeling to always be my main source of emotional support and has brought about positive results. He always want me to spend time with him now and is even being so much more expressive of his feelings towards me. What I'm having a hard time with though is knowing when I can express my feelings for him without overwhelming him. Is it okay to reciprocate that I'm also going to miss him over the weekend since I can't see him, or tell him that I'd prefer to spend time with him than follow through on my plans - or would that possibly put him in a state of fear? Tips on real life stuff would be helpful such as how or what to do when I'm feeling triggered but can't lean on him for the support or reassurance I need.

[@mrsimo7144]

Brilliant. Thanks. I'm with a DA and broken up 4 times. Now working with a therapist to sort now. I'm much better. Bare in mind, even though DA's are difficult. Give them some space because if they are important to you, give them space. Much love

[@ravishingtwinkle3811]

Are you still together with DA ? Does therapist encourage staying with a DA

[@mrsimo7144]

@@ravishingtwinkle3811 Hi. She turned out to be a covert narcissist. I hit rock bottom and nearly wasn't here. I know you don't know me. But unless things improve beyond your imagination, leave. I swear on my sons life. She caused me to have a seizure in December. Doesn't get much worse than that. Much love to you all ❤️

[@mrsimo7144]

@@ravishingtwinkle3811 Get a life coach also.

[@ravishingtwinkle3811]

@@mrsimo7144 yes DA i have been with and he broke up some weeks back . I am broken but also relieved happy. Somehow even after no contact he kept hooks with some messages , even though he didn't want me to text him. I tried loads and i was addicted to making it work. I am sorry this happens with you , hope you do no contact and heal.

[@AlarKemmotar]

Great video! Short and to the point. I was just talking to my wife about my need for even a very small reassurance that I'm still loved and accepted when she feels the need to pull away. She didn't take it well in that moment, but maybe if I give her some time to process, it will start to sink in.

[@nicolwithoutthee2392]

It’s funny how avoidants are of course less than the anxious ones here. Avoidants don’t read or listen anything about this stuff

[@derrickmoon3296]

Lol yep I have to send it to her and maybe she will look at it. Anxious care more about the relationship and will compromise an aviodant often will not compromise

[@HosannaHannaford]

This is brilliant, thank you! Do you have some coping strategies people can use while they’re giving their partner the space/reassurance? I find that even when I really want to give my avoidant partner space, I have a lot of trouble self regulating during that time. Thank you again!

[@micahcraven6576]

I'm avoidant personality disorder. It's terrible. It's like wanting nothing more in the world to be loved but feeling you're not good enough for the other side. So best solution is to walk away before being abandoned because the latter hurts the worst. Trust is hard. Especially in emotions- been hurt too many times. Easier to just stay alone. Less triggered. It's hard finding someone who gets that. It's not something that's really gonna go away for me. Sorta in a club now. It can be difficult understanding that tho

[@bradleyfrank7933]

Some people are not meant to be in relationships. That is why all of mine are platonic. I don't lead anyone on, and they can't make unreasonable demands or expectations of my time.

[@nancyhicksgribble9799]

Great idea scanning yourself. I feel like I'll be good for awhile and then one day just sets me off lol and I get anxious

[@smeemira8225]

A billion videos put there and this is the only one to explain this matter so I csn really understand!

[@tommyhundleydigrazioli4658]

this is exactly what i needed to hear. i am an anxious attachment style person and i haven’t dated a lot of avoidant attached people and so it’s new to me and i felt alone and got in my head but she voiced her needs like you mentioned in the video and she gave me some space and re assurance and told me some harsh truths but made me analyze my belief systems. thank you for this video it truly helped

[@oanarizescu6616]

Amazing. It sounds so easy to do this... but it is hard to find a person that wants to do that

[@magnellah]

I was waiting for the conundrum with disorganised attachment- when you’re both anxious AND avoidant. Would have been good to have some advice on this category too.

[@AlexCananC]

I literally switch between both. I freak out when im shown commitment and love and most of the time im clingy until they are lovingback

[@rhonnieminnie]

Im secure, and im assuming my ex is avoidant based on how he ended the relationship. Its been 5 months and its mind boggling how someone can force themselves to stay mad for soo long. What's some what crazy making and knowing you did all the things right, and they still deactivated. Guess he was right on the money that we weren't compatible...i did all this in the relationship (before learning about attachment) and he still wont acknowledge my existence as a fellow human being on this earth....weird to be punished for doing literally everything therapist/coaches tell anxious attachers to do for avoidants naturally....

[@poof2657]

Can you make more videos on how the avoidant can do the inner work? My partner really wants to work on himself and although there’s plenty of advice on how *i* can cope it’s hard to find stuff for the reflective avoidants who want to do the work changing themselves

[@denisecatlett7203]

But unfortunately in my situation, my avoidant partner never wants to reconvene. If there is conflict ( usually directed by me to him) he would rather brush it under the rug. We rarely ever come to an understanding of each other. I’m not afraid of his disappointment in me ( I can be very complex and infuriating) but he is afraid of my disappointment in him.

[@richardwitalis7731]

He needs to do something about that list!

[@emilykrauss6787]

More videos about this topic please! These are so helpful!

[@TherapyJeff]

More to come!

[@soulscapes]

This was sooo helpful. I just gained so much clarity with respect to someone with whom I have a strong but somewhat problematic connection. This makes so much sense and really shows me how much better it could be with the awareness of the other person's triggers and what each person needs. Thank you so much, Jeff!!!! Excellent, excellent, excellent work!

[@SanctifiedLady]

Narcs avoidants use those triggers to push you away so that they can breathe… but it’s too hurtful when you use something against someone

[@luketimewalker]

Amazing 12 minute video - yeah, I listened to each nugget twice, to let it sink in. Amazing roadmap!!!! Cheers from Paris and so many thanks!

[@J_Tombs]

I’ve recently been learned about these attachment styles but wish my Ex & I had been exposed to this earlier. Being self aware of my own attachment style explains a lot. I feel like I would’ve approached our times of miscommunication so differently with this information! I misinterpreted many things that could’ve been avoided had I knew about these attachment styles earlier. At least I’m learning now & I that’s a blessing. Thank you for these videos. I look forward to watching others.

[@jessicakeskemety22]

I saved this video and am going to watch it daily to remind myself how to better my relationship!! Thank you so, so much!

[@celiaescalante]

On Wednesday, we chatted off and on for 8 hours! I liked that and he even asked me if I had a boyfriend 😊. My friends think I shouldn't feel content with so little.

[@BurniStrange]

How'd it turn out?

[@celiaescalante]

@@BurniStrange He didn't contact me for a while. I go to the beach for a church outing. While I was there I reach out to him. He says he has an official girlfriend. I ask if he means me. He blocks me. I reach out saying that if he doesn't unblock me, I'll block him from my life permanently. He unblocks me. I was so angry. A few months go by. His family tell me that his new girlfriend hates them, so they don't spend time with him at home anymore. I ask about him during Christmas and his brother tells me to come over because everyone in is there. We hug and we hint on our feelings for each other, but at some point he says that if his girlfriend were there that he wouldn't have let me in the door. He also said he had wanted to marry me. Two months go by, I leave him a voicemail and ask if he wants to be friends or boyfriend/girlfriend. He calls me up and says he only loves me like a cousin. My dad calls me and asks if this guy put a sink he had asked him to put, but I tell dad that I don't trust this guy. My dad comes visit me after two months and asks me questions. Then, he tells me that this guy was just ridiculing the both of us. I admit that I sometimes feel this guy in the imaginal plane, but we haven't been in any real contact since January. He was just using me to laugh at something.

[@RpgCrow]

It sounds hard... It sounds like you really gotta know yourself... I personally don't think I know myself that well when I make unsubcouncious decisions..

[@carris2scents57]

I’m a Dismissive Avoidant that’s been married to a Anxious Preoccupied for almost 20 years 😂 woowee It’s been a wild dance

[@unvaccinatedmgtowfitness]

What has kept you two together all this time?