Why Arguments Make CPTSD Symptoms WORSE: Do This Instead

[@bunnya2377]

Oh my gosh I've never heard anybody say that before but that's exactly what happens to me I lose three days of two-week whenever I get in a fight with somebody that's close to me. I get sick to my stomach I can't concentrate or focus and I ruminate

[@Sonia1504]

My problem is I feel I don't voice my anger enough and end up ruminating or moaning about it over and over. Otherwise with those I love and who support me the most I explode and over react. I feel like there's a constant tug of war within me.

[@ryrose3431]

Omg Same!!!! God help us.

[@michignamymichigan]

Breathe, know you are enough, no matter what anyone says or does you are Loved.

[@janetsadeghi1501]

Same!!!!

[@bunnykatsoracle3275]

Saaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmeee 🙄🙄🙄🙄

[@ariahumasacha7740]

We often loose it over people when we are not good at putting boundaries feeling like we have to say yes to all their demands and to put up with their toxic behaviors. Resentments build up over time and we become a ticking time bomb blowing up over what seems nothing. I noticed I lash out less often at people since I started implementing healthy boundaries. I believe there is always a way to communicate our feelings, even the negative ones, in a calm and respectful manner. People also tend to listen to us and respect us more for it.

[@areacode3816]

No way around it holidays are difficult for people with CPTSD. Whether you lost everyone or dealing with remnants of past family trauma it can be a real struggle. Prayers for everyone.

[@loryno1961]

Yesss absolutely !! traditional family time which is usually around holidays / birthdays just brings all trauma back up instead of bringing joy Looking around me i always felt out of place :( Peace & love xox

[@madmanc_angling]

I've been conditioned to fight, I was forced to fight as a kid and then trained in the military to fight to kill. I'm about to start my 4th bout of therapy and I'm learning to become a better version of me. It's been a real tough journey but I'm finally enlightened and learning more about me and how to regulate myself when triggered. I'm growing and I'm more able to be comfortable within me. My family finally see the changes and we're all starting to be happy

[@Lola-mt1ne]

I worked for 40 years as an ER/ICU Nurse/ House Supervisor at large hospital. That burned me out, and I went to hospice, which showed me things I needed to see. Now I am retired as a single female in a culture that places a high value on things. The trauma I lived every day in my work life has affected every part of my life, and personal relationships have always been difficult. Your channel provides such down to earth things that we have all known, but have somehow been convinced we didn't know. Thank you.

[@pizzakrydder2515]

When I was 18 I worked in a grocery store as a cashier and one day a regular costumer, who I knew was a doctor and 40 years my senior, blew up at me yelling and accusing me of something that had nothing to do with me and was just a misunderstanding on his part. I was quite shocked and it felt very uncomfortable. The next day he came back to apologize and he took full responsibility. I thought that was so brave of him and also felt thankful because otherwise I would have felt uneasy everytime he came to shop.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

That's so beautiful! My 18-year-old son is a cashier in a grocery store, and many days he comes home with a story of someone who raged about something -- the credit card machine, the price of something. My son is stoic and getting tougher in the face of this. But I hate that people treat my kid like this!

[@pizzakrydder2515]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Yes, he said when he got home he realized it was his own bad mood and stress that had caused his blowout. I found that people in grocery stores are often hungry (or hangry) stressed and in a hurry, so dealing with them can be quite trying. And the younger employees usually get the worst treatment. It takes a lot of patience and I always admire the people who managed to stay in a job like that for years and years.

[@G120-j6z]

Bullies easily read how disregulation can make someone with CPTSD unable to defend themselves effectively in conflict situations. So as an adult with CPTSD, you can literally be a target for people who enjoy abusing others. Of course, this is the absolute last thing a victim of child abuse needs to experience as an adult. It amazes me how directional things are, and how vulnerable abuse victims are in so many ways. Thank you for breaking down the skills that people with CPTSD can focus on to do better.

[@ms.anonymousinformer242]

AND this is why I dont talk to people anymore. I wish I could but since moving to North Augusta SC I have experienced repeated rude behavior been outright harrasst by people in management and authority,been accused of lying when standing up for myself or making a formal complaint at a store. That's when I started recording my interactions in public with a body cam so if a person bullies me I have the recorded footage to use against them if needed. It helped at this one burger place when they got my order wrong. The manager argued with me and refused to have them re make my burger because she was insistent I was lying ! I played back my dashcam footage from my drive through order and proved her wrong ! The next time the manager (at that same place) did the same thing I didnt have video footage so she gave me attitude an was very rude. I didnt make a complaint with the owner because I felt if the owner hired such rude people in the first place, then he won't care about my complaint, especially since I didn't have the proof. So that last time I difnt get my burger re-made 🍔 . :-(

[@lindalouise3391]

Since we live in an extremely violent country over run with tremendous economic disparity from sexism & racism intermixed with our own issues I assert exploring & using anger is necessary. I am a 69 yr old woman & I have not yet heard anyone I know say they were wrong. I have admitted I am wrong & this was then used against me - reminding me of the saying 'I loaded a gun for someone to shoot me with.' With anger I believe there are many ways to use it beyond protecting one's offspring. Anger is one of the many emotions we have which has advantages & disadvantages.

[@lockandloadlikehell]

Overrun with sexism, huh? Where did you get that from?

[@lindalouise3391]

@@lockandloadlikehell I obtained it from using "facts" via critical thinking. Check out the plethora of social science studies if you aren't aware of "our" problems. This helps one be truly locked & loaded - taking it beyond any opinion.

[@lindalouise3391]

@Mom_B_Salty I agree with you that mainstream media is a problematic component well utilized by those who have the economic reins. 'The divide'' actually started long before todays media control. Sexism & Racism are the double pillars supporting our Constitution. While we have made some limited progress these are still intact. As I continue to say: "It's Economics Sweetie". Sexism & Racism are highly profitable to our particular brand of 'Free Capitalism'. I believe these greatly add to C-PTSD issues - I know they added to mine.

[@minuit6305]

@@lockandloadlikehell Afghanistan is pretty bad. Some African countries are bad with that too.

[@sumari972]

Yes, I so suffered by fawning and being too nice to stand up for my opinion and boundaries. I even went to therapy to help me not freak out when someone gets angry. There is healthy anger more often than not, when you have to prevent others from walking all over you.

[@neweverymorningmercy3491]

I first read that book when I was 17, a party girl doing all the wrong things, struggling just to figure out how to be in the world. I remember using the techniques with my group of friends and so surprised at how well they worked. I reread it a few decades later and it's been a few decades since then...might be time to read it again...a classic for sure.

[@Adriana-bq4cd]

Favourite: Choose your battles - not everything is worth to fight for or loose our energy for :)

[@siennaprice1351]

A lot of these bullet points really hit home for me. I have gotten into disagreements with my husband, and my mom. I’ve wanted to get defensive, I’ve wanted to run away from the situation, I’ve even shut down a few times. And I’ll admit, I have lost my temper with my mom, which my own temper scares me, because I don’t like it when I lose it. I have wanted to yell during arguments, but I just can’t always find the strength to do it. A lot of times during these arguments, I was wrong. And I know I was wrong. And I’m not afraid to own up to that.

[@chanuppuluri8726]

1. Welcome the Disagreement. Be Thankful to have this brought to your attention. 2. Distrust your First Impression. First reactions are often defensive - Keep Calm. 3. Control your Temper. 4. Listen First. Let the other person Talk and let them Finish. Don't Resist, Defend or Debate. Build Bridges of Understanding. 5. Be Honest. Where you've been wrong, say so. 6. Promise to think over their ideas and consider them carefully. 7. Thank them sincerely for their Interest. (Think of them as people who want to help you - that is how they see themselves.) 8. Postpone Action to give both sides time to think through the problem. Prepare for that conversation. Does my reaction relieve the problem, or make it worse? Will my reaction draw my opponent closer to me or drive them away? Will my reaction elevate the opinion that other good people have of me? Will I win or lose? If I'm quiet, will it blow over? Is this difficult situation an Opportunity for me? 9. When one person yells, the other person should listen. (Use your better judgement on this one.) 10. To get the best of an argument: Avoid Arguments if Possible. 11. Never try to make the other person wrong with a Word or a Look. 18:32 - 18:40 12. If you're going to try to prove anything, Do it Subtly. 13. Teach as if they Taught Themselves. 14. Suggest that you Yourself might be Wrong. Admit you often are.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@sla1xyz]

This helps thank u

[@maytheforcebewithyou4313]

Good for a safe situation, not working with a deceitful covert narcissist mother who is definately abusing your empathy, and does have psychological power over you and who has employed your brother to aid in her end goal. I shut the toxic actions and language out of my life. It won't heal me, it will allow me to accept the reality of the situation I had to set boundaries in.

[@Ursaminor31]

How is it that you can exactly describe the most complex emotional situations. You help me and many so very much. Huge love and gratitude

[@Elya08]

Because she personally deals with CPTSD herself. She gets it. :)

[@Miss-Placed.1]

It's so good to identify, this lady makes much sense :)

[@the_radiant_patriot]

I feel like I am all of them for different situations but most of the time, fighter.

[@user-cl6uj5bn2f]

Same

[@rosyesquivel3844]

L

[@beccabean5770]

Oh yes, calling customer service is very dysregulating. Especially when you sense they don't care and are lacking compassion on the other end.

[@ms.anonymousinformer242]

I have had them flat out argue that I was wrong literally every time I tried to make a VALID complaint (was given attitude and accused of lying by the manager, when I found a hair in my burger ! ) to someone in charge. It only further hurt my trauma with people behaving that way not giving me validation for being mistreated. Just like at school being bullied and having teachers not care or do anything.

[@amber40494]

I'm a freezer in serious situations and a fawner in social ones. Basically I feel like a big coward

[@itsanalias969]

Thank you for this. I don’t argue. I listen, I nod, I acknowledge, but I refuse to go into emotional combat with someone, especially someone I love. A lot of childhood PTSD and no therapy offered, so I went into psychology to understand and heal myself and then to pay it forward. Easier said than done but the past, as messed up as it might have been. is in your rear view mirror. Don't get pulled in to someone else's anger or frustration. Be interested (don't ignore) but not impressed (don't take it to heart). Happy Thanksgiving all.

[@jenono]

Ahhh this is great 😭😭😭 my husband has CPTSD and even just these techniques are something I definitely have to keep in mind and will help him so so greatly 💕 I would love to see more about how to help a dearly loved one with CPTSD 💕💕

[@shimmime]

The bullet point where you listen and let the other person finish: what if the other person is being straight-up toxic and threatening? This happened to me when I called out a former landlady about her overcharging me rent. She was being so vitriolic I didn't know how to react. I froze and never stuck up for myself and I have felt mortally wounded. All I've done is ruminate and breed resentment at this woman ever since, and although it happened years ago it still hurts when I think about it.

[@NickSklias]

This video hits home!! 💯💯💯 also, as someone with CPTSD I find that if I take decent care of myself (like adequate sleep, exercise, nutrition, etc) I am able to better access my inner resources to face those (potentially) triggering disagreements with grace.

[@CinemaDoll137]

I was working on sending a text to a friend about something they did that truly bothered me before I even saw your video just now. It stayed in my drafts for hours before I finally felt okay with it then looked up how to preface heavy convos without saying "we need to talk". Something told me to check your page. It didn't take me long to find this vid that I listened through 3 times as I looked through the message and finally sent it. I kept all of your points in mind while discussing what he did and I feel so much more calmer and level headed! I don't feel defensive or like I want to cry or repeatedly apologize. I feel like I'm finally reclaiming my power.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Yay! Good work!

[@SkysMomma]

I needed an example of number 4 to let it sink in. I would actually love more videos on these topics, like maybe take each point and do a role-play example. BTW, one therapist I've seen on youtube plays out an example of a conversation between two people and plays both roles himself. I'd love more on "squeezing an apology" out of someone. I feel like I need apologies from people who have wronged me a lot, in order for me to continue in the relationship. It's often hard for me to decide when it's best to disengage from a relationship or to try to forget how I've been wronged and continue being engaged in the relationship.

[@rlyhot]

Second that ^^^

[@bekesize]

Yes! I third it! I often end up in an argument with no idea how I got there! Generally with disagreements with authorities or dominant personalities, I freeze, all words and thoughts go poof. On the otherhand, I will be in a conversation with someone I feel ‘safe’ with and then all of the sudden, they are yelling and screaming at me. I think it is about missing some type of social clue, that would indicate time to shift the conversation, only I missed the clue. And then I’m disregulated and filled with shame and fear and a general sense that I am ‘too much’ and of course want to run.

[@sue8412]

Unfortunately we can’t control other people, and a lot of people have problems with saying sorry. I feel the same way as you often, and examining why I feel such a need to get an apology helped me (not forcing others to apologize). Like, is this a petty argument or something that needs to be fixed? If it was the former, I just learned through a lot of processing, that letting it go is sometimes beneficial to you as well.

[@Suzu52]

Thank you for talking about"dysregulation" as if it could be a somewhat temporary state, able to dissipate ...Lately I'm feeling it's permanent

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

You don't want that! Try the free Daily Practice course: courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com/ -Cara@TeamFairy

[@crisspyg.9742]

I just started a new job, at an auto parts store. So when people ask me if we have things, or carry a certain product, I tell them that I am new, and don’t know everything, it makes people laugh and seems to help their level of respect. They’re not so tough with their requests, and even give good feedback

[@bbdn5123]

I'm gonna have to rewatch the video over and over again to rewire the brain. Thanks so much as always, very helpful. 🌌💖💫

[@barbaralemarier4421]

This is such an important video and I don't know why more people don't know about this or understand this. I was at an Urgent Care the other day and noticed someone behaving in the manner you described above. They were very agitated and concerned about their family member and the way the people at the Urgent Care handled it was horrible. It made me feel like in a different situation it could have put them and/or the patient in danger. Even I could see that if this had been handled just a little bit differently it would have made all the difference in the world and yet they seemed completely ignorant of that fact. I think this training needs to be more widespread and I'm very surprised that it isn't given in medical facilities.

[@donnaemerson1008]

I've been really working on this. I immediately go on the defensive because I grew up on the defense whenever at home. Walking on eggshells. In relationships I learned to bottle it all up and then one day explode when I have had too much. I'm learning I'd rather have relationships than to be right. I'm learning to listen and not be defensive. I'm learning I have horrible skills but can change them over time as I learn new skills. I am learning not to be the victim anymore. I am learning to stand up for myself in a tactful way.

[@Gearhart_Music]

How to win friends and influence people is such an amazing book. Dale Carnegie hit upon some amazing principles in human interaction that continue to resonate today. That book helped me at work as well as with several family members, and drastically improved my social interactions.

[@Gretabpooh]

My uncle suggested I read the same book back in the early 1980's when I was in my early 20's. While it did have some good suggestions, I think he was ignoring a whole lot of family trauma that at that point needed a short course of professional therapy in setting boundaries that would have prevented several more decades of problems. It took me until I was in my 50's to get those boundaries. I just turned 60 on December 15th and I still don't have them perfected or all of the issues from that trauma resolved. One of my friend's described dealing with the past trauma as taking out the garbage and not bringing it back in willing, but I think it's more like washing the dishes. If there's even one left in the sink, you know it will breed like bunnies so you have another sinful of dishes the next day. And can never get all of the results of trauma out of your subconscious, so something can always pop out when you least want it to.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Definitely that book wasn't taking trauma into consideration :). The suggestions there are great but we absolutely need to be regulated to follow them! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@victoriaolson8985]

I read HTWFAIP when I was 12. My dad gave it to me after he took a Dale Carnegie course. It looked like the copy you showed, as it was in the early 1960s. It helped me become observant and aware of other people. I think I learned a lot from it; it made me feel more ‘adult’. It was helpful in managing my bipolar narcissistic mother, who refused to read it.

[@Rooibostea5959]

My friend who grew up in a turbulent family recently had an issue with someone who worked for her at her job site. She wanted to get justice served and that problematic one fired (not within her authority) but I told her, “it shouldn’t be about who’s right and wrong. It should be about them not repeating that same offense to you. Don’t make enemies trying to prove who’s right and wrong. It’s not worth it.” She took my advice and resolved the conflict in an amicable way, all leading to her favor and not offending anyone else (her boss and coworkers) at work. Some times, you don’t have to get 100% win at a conflict. 70% win and not making enemies can be more worth it than 100% victory.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Hell yes! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@IndigoHazelnut]

I’m so glad you brought up Dale Carnegie’s book! Not only because it’s very helpful in this context but also because I’ve heard so many people make assumptions that this book is about manipulating others (it’s not) Thank you for this wonderful video, these are very handy pointers. Also thank you for reminding me of this book. I would absolutely love to see your video about CPTSD addressing customer service from both sides! I think it’s a topic that’s not addressed enough

[@katiekane5247]

It has been very instructive for me to watch my SILs mom. We're not much alike except for need to control. I really enjoy not being that driven around "perfection", especially about holidays. Having a small gathering at our house so I can be outside if it gets too intense. I am finding myself more comfortable in social situations, baby steps I can praise myself for. The energy I spent on anxiety can be better spent on myself, not worrying the plates don't match the tablecloth!

[@TheNibor9]

Ugh- I hated that book. The concept of lying in bed at night and analyzing all of my interactions to consider everything I did wrong and what I could have done better was too overwhelming to me. I couldn’t get past that section.

[@user-sg5tr6jt3y]

I also don’t think it’s necessary to analyse thatright before bed. I like to look at the good things that happened that day. When I reflect I do it before my relaxation time so I can get better but don’t go to sleep with a bad impression of myself.

[@Kakashi-Usagi]

My problem is when arguments start to point towards questioning my sanity - making out I'm crazy. I lose the plot and go into full fight mode. I can't cope with anyone trying to make out I'm crazy - I've had it happen my entire life by anyone and everyone I've ever come into contact with.

[@athenenoctua75]

All of them first fighting, then fawning, then freezing, then again fighting, then complete freezing. the worst is freezing because it's extreme saved my live.

[@cathychase663]

You did this today and I am absolutely miserable - .my sons who were so close to me left. One I have hope for but they both are not ok in their abandonment. My family in CA is where my CPSTD started. My mom loved me but died. I am getting closer to my sister but I break down every time I am there. I am alone. It's really upsetting. I get shut down and traumatized. I totally was codependent on my kids and I think that is what happened there. I feel so alone and even a bit of ideation- I am not invited anywhere- I am alone - I really don't know why peop;le assume people aren't like me out there.

[@surewhatever8843]

I’ve only recently learned that minds aren’t changed in the moment of an argument, and I recognize you touch on this idea throughout the video. Gently lobbing out opposing ideas might be rejected, but plants a seed for the other person to digest in their own time. I learned it initially from being on the receiving end of a gently lobbed idea that I out-and-out rejected in the moment, only to later recognize the value of the opposing view. I try and practice this approach for emotionally charged arguments about which I feel strongly, remembering the goal is not to “win”, but to affect a bridging of disparate ideas. It’s slow and incremental, but in long term relationships it pays BIG dividends. Thank you for all the work you do to help us all find peace.

[@Weeflowerofscotland]

I’m a “ leave the party person” I want to be able to have a constructive disagreements . Instead I shut down and walk away from said person. My father didn’t let us have a voice so I’m assuming that’s why I am this way . Thank you

[@Roses-Peonies]

I always fight..my voice gets louder and louder!

[@elsewhere1976]

Hello Anna, this happens to me when I am insulted, screamed or shouted at, devaluated or diminished, told that I am a wrong person or an idiot. This happened with my family and now with my husband, I totally fog out , get furious, freeze and flight. And obviously I try to cut those relationships out of my life. It is not about disagreement, those people who claims to love me, they just want to control me, don't respect my boundaries or my thinking different from them. I don't even waste my time having the argument, I get scared they would escalate their shouting.

[@kimberbites]

I have repeatedly read that book, and it never fails to give me a bit more wisdom. One of the best moments I've had as of late that have shown me how far I've come is being reminded of a negative moment my partner and I had. They too struggle w similar issues, and my first reaction to their trying to instigate a fight was not even conscious. I'd asked "is that how that came across?" It was like a mental pause and different sentence that forced my mind back, and made me pause enough to collect. One of the hardest parts of those immediate reactions is learning the pause. I think it shows when we're really healing our trauma. The pause. Far too often we immediately react, but that pause comes unconsciously in time, and allows our rational thinking brain to step in and say wwwhoooaaa. Lol So when I gave that response it helped me see what I said too, and I've learned to quickly apologize for what I'm doing specifically, or did. If it warrants that. Rephrasing it too so it's specific and taking responsibility.

[@MostlyCloudy]

Had a fight (more like they were screaming at me) 5 days ago. I've been nonverbal since. I literally do not want speak to anyone except my son.

[@KEM85]

❤️

[@danielea4851]

I really understand that, also felt a lot of shame around it

[@Elya08]

Oh gosh… Yeah. I go nonverbal as well and struggle to speak again after fights, too. 😢

[@MissJacqification]

I fawn and flight I hate it to fawn and I don't respect fawning at all

[@Pax_Luca]

I don't think this is true if you're subjected to toxicity. Ive tried all my life to navigate arguments/disagreements but with no lyuck. It's only recently ive learned that it's okay to walk away. Not all people are worth your time 🙏

[@Anickle818]

Omggg I wish I watched this on Thanksgiving when I was dealing with this. I just run from conflict and disagreement because it’s so triggering. I don’t want to have conflict with people I love and it’s so hard to have healthy triggering discussion in my mind. Thank you so much for this video!!! You’re such a godsend.

[@Catbooks]

This is so great, and important. Perfect timing for it too, so thank you. I'm spending Thanksgiving with a friend, but so many are spending it with their dysfunctional family members. But I needed to hear this anyway. Such great reminders on how to respond elegantly and feel good about it in a difficult situation - one of my goals. Which too often I forget to do. Happy Thanksgiving to you, Cara, and everyone here!

[@andreikilla]

what you describe is fawning, how i understand it. If i don't say my truth and allow them to talk, i feel bad after and either want revenge or never talk to them after, or block them out emotionally completely. I disagree, i only want to be friends with ppl who can hear my disagreement and be ok with it. since i truly disagree and have a point. if they are wrong they are wrong, that's just me being myself. (yes i make ppl lose temper without raising my voice)

[@Ghostlietrio]

Fight. I have apologized for my part in misunderstandings and have felt better after. One in writing, one in person. What I found troubling is the other parties have not, infact they've comment in such a manner that I was to blame for it all.

[@yveqeshy]

How about those of us who experience all four at onev but gradually, like start off with fight, then you manage to check yourself now you move to freeze/fawn, then you notice you're doing that as well and move on to flight in an attempt to try and recalibrate your emotions?? 😂 😂 I know I'm not the only one. I'd like to ask for your advise, I have been dealing with a coworker who's an alcoholic and is also quite lazy, everytime the past few weeks we've been working together I have been leaving work exhausted physically and mentally and emotional feeling drained because I wind up being so frothy on the mouth since he leaves me to do 90% of the work while he's busy browsing the internet, my immediate boss knows alll abiut this but hasn't been doing anything, this guy behaves like this pretty much all the time and it is really aggravating me because I want to establish my boundaries rather than accept it as his nature which would mean accepting that he won't pick up his slack at work which is what my other colleagues including my boss have all settled on. As someone who's recovering from cptsd, I k ow how much that aggravation gates at me, it can tie up my emotional and mental bandwidth for hours and I don't want to give In to these negative feelings. Actually the above reaction is based on me observing myself today going through thr motions after yet another horrible workday. Pleas help, any advise is welcome.

[@wordivore]

Hey. I know I'm not Anna but I had some ideas. I take his behavior as passive aggressive. It's a double whammy that your boss is okay with his behavior. Your co worker is basically stealing his pay check since he's not working. -You could look around for another job. Leaving would certainly enforce a boundary. -You could be passive aggressive yourself by not doing the job and go sit on KZbin. Lol. But I get the feeling that wouldn't work too well for you. -You could just accept that he's gonna do this, ignore him and just do what you can. You could ask this co worker to help you and when you do ask him to do or help you with specific tasks as they come up. And do that out loud in front of other coworkers. I know he probably should already know what to do, but I live with someone like this. There's stuff to do all over the place so you'd think he'd know to do SOMETHING. Well, if I say specifically, "Hey, (insert name here) would you help me with the dishes?" Or "Could you go get the towels out of the drier?" And he does it. It's something specific and direct. Nothing to guess at, no way to claim he didn't know what needed doing or that he thought everything was done. Of course I have no idea if this will work...just some ideas.

[@yveqeshy]

@@wordivore thanks for the feedback, all these are avenues I am pursuing, especially taking breaks here and there to just go take a breather. Lucky for me I do shift work which means 2 days a week then nights which I don't have to do with this coworker which is a reprieve

[@405OKCShiningOn]

Yes! Listen, sit back, listen more, offer support, learn more try to change or remedy things. Consider all things place them at peace. Everyones peace matter.

[@TheFlamingOracle]

The girl and I that I'm talking to just finished talking about this. Thanks for this.

[@frankendoll1455]

This holiday I'm so thankful for finding you Annna, you've helped me immensely with your videos. Happy Thanksgiving to you, Cara and your entire staff, may you all have a wonderful holiday. ✌💜🦃🍂🍁🧡

[@cal1405]

Thank you for this. I look forward to your advice on customer service, from both perspectives.

[@KA-bw3wf]

Here to learn after having a disagreement with an in law! I feel so disregulated! I couldn't handle my anxiety. I've just realised I might have cptsd because I fit all the descriptions to the dot. I can't believe how I made it this far in life without realizing This is one of the few books I own of my adulthood as well! Love you 💕

[@allisonians]

Thank you! I had a really bad day from one customer and my coworkers resistance to help me. I am feeling really vulnerable about my triggers lately. Looking back it bums me out that I couldn’t overcome the customers insults and my coworkers inability to help me with the difficult request. To top it off, I have a tooth problem. So I’m feeling pretty bad anyway. Oh bother.(That’s what Whinnie the Pooh would say. Lol) Your work has helped me so much.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you're here! I know how hard it can be in those jobs if you don't feel like someone has your back -Cara@TeamFairy

[@waterdragon9274]

Wow! I just stumbled upon this video and found it very helpful. This past week I had a horrible incident of being trolled where I was unfairly attacked by someone on a channel that I have been subscribed to for 3 years. He was an interloper to that channel and pounced on a comment that I had innocently made and tried to make me wrong. Unfortunately I got furious then defensive and after that he piled the venom on and another man joined in. I eventually thought it just wasn't worth it and muted them so I didn't respond anymore. For situations like that on social media, in this case it was KZbin, do you recommend just not engaging with someone who trolls you? I haven't found a successful way of coping other than to simply disengage. For some reason I wasn't able to block either person. Based on your recommendations I think I need to go buy that Dale Carnegie book! Thank you again.

[@johnbyerlein6682]

One could say I violated all or most of Dale's rules in 2015 during Christmas season when my Dad's BLACK wife #4 told me she was tougher than I was and screamed at me to leave my Dad's house and never come back. I told her, "Bring it on you Goddamn cocks***** b****." In that moment, my docile Dad said and did nothing. All gets brought up as my Dad passed away 12/22/22 @ 96 and his 97th birthday comes up on 8/22/23. I told Dad the following day that he married a self-serving, mendacious, toxic b****. I only wish that I had added that they deserved each other - he lied to his 3 children about his remarriage plans and his estate distribution plans leaving we 3 with NOTHING after a lifetime of lies on these matters, I have lost a lot of respect for him. Anyway, with your excellent presentation and Dale C notwithstanding, when arguments get heated I flee or verbally attack to destroy the other person. I would not have the courage, optimism and persistence needed to make a marriage work. As for her, she may have her own unhealed trauma dumped on me. At any rate, I no longer care about her and about BLACK people, BLM, DEI or any of their issues and concerns. As I always say and believe about others: "One, in a world of 8 billion people, you can always be replaced. Two, if you continue in your bad and abusive behavior towards me, you will be." And then just walk away permanently from that worthless, toxic POS.

[@michellegriff13]

After the week I've already had with shitty attitudes I needed this video and that book! I'm looking for it asap!!!! Edited 12/01/21: Ordered the book so I'd have it when I arrived home from Thanksgiving vacation. Chap 1 AMAZING and I started crying at the end because my teenage son and I quarreled horribly the 1st day of our long overdue vacation. I angrily sent him to the hotel by himself but when I arrived a short time later I sat down and spoke to him like the father did to his small child in the book. Mind you, I barely received this book on Nov 29th. He apologized to me for how he had acted after I apologized for scolding his attitude when he was merely trying to communicate his needs to me, but he was being rushed to do so by my lack of awareness that he doesn't operate on the same level as myself. To me he was being unappreciative and rude, to himself he just couldn't find different words or tone of voice to use because I was unknowingly ignoring his input altogether because MY OWN EXCITEMENT ANF JOY seemed more important from his viewing eyes. He was absolutely right. I failed to consider that he deserved rest after putting in so much with school and life. I failed to consider that he earned some "me time" and this was his vacation as much as it was mine. Never again will I not stop to consider another individuals needs, pace at which they feel able to move forward, and how they are interpretting the conversation or situation. If I am not able to fully work around someone or accommodate them, that doesn't mean I can't stop to listen. They may not be able to stop and listen, but that doesn't mean I need to reciprocate.

[@laurelb4193]

Hahaha that look at 18:39! That is a classic look in my family, complete with the eye roll, sneer, and drawn out guttural gasp of disgust! The last time we all got together was in like 2014 and my brother took a picture of all of 12 or 15 or so of us making faces like that. It is such a funny picture and really sums it all up. 🤣

[@maryjanerx]

Perfectly timely video. You read my mind of what i need help with before i realize what it is i need myself

[@Charlotte-Willow]

Anna, for Thanksgiving oven space try a portable roaster oven and Chef John from Food Wishes has a great dressing recipe that can be made on the top of the stove.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Great tip, in an unexpected forum! Thanks.

[@405OKCShiningOn]

Happy Thanksgiving

[@daleduncan5080]

I have 2 roasters like that and I use a crock pot for the stuffing. It works so well.

[@houndmother2398]

What does that have to do with anything here?

[@405OKCShiningOn]

Thank you this reminds me to eat. Eat well, rest well, do the daily practice, carry on,💛🤝🕯️💯

[@davehart2094]

I'm a big strong guy so it's kinda weird, but when I I'm in a direct conflict or arguement I tend to shrink and lose my voice.

[@gratefultemple]

Kinda makes sense ...keeps you out of trouble ...😔

[@MostlyCloudy]

@@gratefultemple exactly

[@jadelinny]

Becoming dysregulated because of CPTSD takes us back to where we were when the original trauma was occurring. I sounds like conflict/arguments are triggering for you, and you weren't a big strong guy when that trauma happened--you were a small and defenseless child. Sometimes it can be helpful to remind this "child" part of ourselves that they are no longer in the traumatizing situation, and that they have an adult body with adult options (no longer dependent on caretakers). Like all healing, it takes time and consistency, though!

[@davehart2094]

@@jadelinny thank you for your kind words, I will remember that in the future

[@rachelguadamuz3385]

I read the same book when I was younger for the same reason! Learned so much!!! So thankful for that book!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for watching! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@tracydanneo]

Love that book. My dad gave it to me when I was a teen.

[@Ronalee]

I'm very interested in a video on customer service video. I'd watch that! Thank you for all your videos

[@patrickteahanofficial]

Great video!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thanks for the visit @Patrick_Teahan -Cara@TeamFairy

[@RyelSteele]

Something I don't have to worry about because I've been so completely abandoned that I have no one to be with for the holidays. Literally nobody cares if I live or die.

[@NuLiForm]

going on 7-8 years since escaping Narcissistic abuse from step parent, whom i forgave at age 8 when i saw how her mother treated her...but..she carried it on even worse than she had it..ehh...even so..i forgave her..i also saw how it ran in the whole family..they can't help themselves, perhaps with medication....point being that forgiveness helped me to endure the abuse a wee bit easier...but..it left me damaged nonetheless...i am chugging along just fine as long as no major violence or terrible argument occurs...& here is the thing...the terrible tidal wave of the cultish Abusive behavior we all run into going on full force all around us these last few years..is Impossible not to be triggered by...& the Only Other Choice..is isolating alone in our houses..unable to even watch videos online? No!....no..i Refuse to be cowed like that..it's Not Right. .....well..i do not loose my temper & say abusive things in kind, i reread every word before i post to make Sure it's in No way Abusive..two wrongs do not make a Right, but i do point out they Need to Re-read what They are writing & i Challenge them to Prove where such Abusive words were Warranted....then i go silent & do not answer their rabid response if there is one. Usually is...so Then i am Reporting their behavior because, they are attacking Many people not just me..& i report on Each attack...they usually stop attacking people at that point...might be they do take a moment & look at their behavior, or, more likely they were silenced by the Owners of the sites..i hate doing this but their abuse is Totally Out of Control & it is Every Single Day, virtually Everywhere....this New World Great Reset, or whatever is going on, is Scary as Hell! ...i've been diagnosed as an Aspergers/INFJ...& Narcs & Psychopaths vehemently Hate me because i do not show Fear, nor succumb, & i do not let them attack others, i stand toe to toe & fight back..with Honesty & carefully controlled words, which..they can not tolerate. They Want people freaking out..it Feeds them. During confrontation i show No Fear......but Afterwards?...stomach in knotts & hands shaking, i slowly run to shelter to lick my wounds until the monsters under the bed go away..your video just came into my livestream..so..i ran here..lol. Thank You for being here & sharing with the rest of us walking wounded, all these words of Wisdom & Kindness! Hope you & yours have a Happy Thanksgiving!

[@laurelb4193]

I appreciate all of this excellent advice❣️ Finding your channel is like finding a hidden treasure. Every one of your videos is so relevant and helpful and valuable!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you so much!

[@Charlotte-Willow]

I start shaking and stop thinking.

[@kathryn7116]

You are such a help to me, thank you so much!

[@annamachalska762]

I am fighting when argued or triggered. All my life I didn't had a voice and now fighting is my main mechanism (also internal anger bursting from nowhere).

[@ryrose3431]

I fight. I hurt someone I love and I don't think I can ever forgive myself.

[@everlybnb2409]

Words of WISDOM and PEACE! Gosh I love this!!!!

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for the support Jack@TeamFairy

[@everlybnb2409]

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thanks! I literally replayed this one 5x it was so good!

[@bethtaylor9773]

The older I get, the more I believe that there really aren't any accidents in God's world. Every job I had before I started teaching was essential to my preparation for teaching. Love hearing about your customer service training.

[@vernabryant2894]

That was nice of you to apologize to the bank teller.

[@rturney6376]

I know intuitively when my mom talks to other members of my family because she is immediately argumentative and looking for a fight. Otherwise, we follow your list.

[@lori5946]

I am not responsible for how others feel. It doesn't mean I need to be mean to people. I need to respect others and my self. Never get defensive and yes apologize quickly.

[@realizationstation2173]

As always, I am beyond thankFULL for you! 🌺🕊

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Thank you for your CCF support! -Cara@TeamFairy

[@lulumoon6942]

💥I LOVE THE IDEA OF YOUR CUSTOMER SERVICE VIDEO, ESPECIALLY FROM BOTH SIDES!!!! Signed, former long term retail slave & mgmt, and CPTSD Survivor💥

[@405OKCShiningOn]

💯💫When dysregulation starts I ask to back away, state I need some time to process.

[@loryno1961]

For me as long as the other person had done his/her best whatever the mistake i dont get angry The bit what is triggering for me is when mistake happened due ignorance or the other person just didnt care enough to take matter seriously. Anyone else feeling the same?

[@Rzenegade]

Hah! I read that book. Same reasons. Thank you for these videos!

[@mandyporras07]

Yes!!! I feel like that afterwards. I get physical symptoms. This last time I knew it was gonna happen. Yep…. It sure did. My roommate is alcoholic and he is always triggering me. I let him trigger me. I really just don’t want to live with this person a anymore.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Glad you are here :) -Cara@TeamFairy

[@MJ-ji6mv]

I am SO thankful for your videos! ♡

[@c_s_catlin]

"Artful".....Yes. In these past couple decades..... especially with SO MANY OF US CARRYING TRAUMA.... This skill has become rare, basically ignored, and somewhat inadvertently abused at times.... 💫✨⚕️ Again, I fully appreciate your work you're doing. 💯

[@Altaswaysia]

That’s a fantastic book.

[@robertschrader]

My boyfriend and I always start arguing over extremely minor things, which end up leading us to the brink of breakup. Like when you pick at a tiny pimple and then end up having to go to the hospital to get it lanced once it becomes infected!

[@rainrabbit9209]

I let them yell, as I can't stop them. When they stop, I say "I am a "no yell zone". I can't hear what someone says when they yell.

[@tomjames7713]

okay here goes, as a kid i had no control what i was shown and taught, no way to control what i decided or thought. something like just do as youre told. even if i disagreed. as a kid from a neglected family there were others who would take advantage to decieve or manipulate me to do things i didnt want to. fast forward to an adult and i built up a resistance to being coerced by others words or their concepts of how things are. i wasnt going to allow them to change my mind. add to this a heaping helping of distrust of others suggestions of what i should believe or know and up goes the walls of intolerance and closed mindedness. and for us radical fundamentalist believers it adds a strengthening agent to the concrete mix that built the walls. counter intuitive... ya think?

[@tworfling]

Wow, I wish I was taught these things earlier because I've been struggling with this. Will watch this several times, thank you for this impactful video! :)

[@raiderlove5923]

I feel this video. It describes me well. I don't do well in confrontation. I feel that it comes from experiencing constant fighting and disagreements amongst people within my immediate family.

[@CrappyChildhoodFairy]

Yes, me too. Thanks for saying this.

[@northernstar1869]

I have found that iparticularly in a work setting where I need to attend an upcoming meeting where I know tensions will be high and arguments likely, that if I ruminate on my points vs the others points beforehand it results in me entering the meeting in fight mode with all the physical sensations and the limbic system in full control and little executive functioning

[@מלי-ש4ג]

Every time I ask some member of my family to do something for if he doesn't tell me the truth . He often BS another words tell me some lies or some truth mixed with some lies . Although I always offer you money for doing things for me . Sometime he expects the money but more often in the last few years he doesn't. But always changing some facts and turn things to away that he will like it . Although I pay him whenever he does things for he will things according to his taste or his beliefs.

[@Fefe559]

Fight. It sucks. All my life I was pretty sure someday someone is going murder me. I would flip out! And have literally got in fights-in public - with strangers! But I dont do that anymore- thanksgiving Anna- you have helped-me as well

[@krisannekey3218]

I dont understand. How do you find common ground when you tell them they hurt you for giving you the silent treatment like 30 times in the last year and having a partner who argues for 20 mins that you dont know when your own birthday is? How do you tell someone they might be right over issues like these?

[@HereForTheCatContent]

It sounds like you might be dealing with someone who has strong narcissistic traits or otherwise enjoys manipulating. I don't think these principles are meant to be applied to (or attempted on) more extreme situations like this, or consistently toxic people. They're meant for "everyday" disagreements or bumps in otherwise-functional relationships that we'd like to keep, with people who are sane.

[@denisel780]

I don't think you can find common ground with someone who knows they are hurting you with the silent treatment and yet continues do so. Or when they argue about you knowing your own birthday. When people give the silent treatment, they WANT you to react...same with the birthday argument. As hard as it is, the best thing to do with this type of person is to not react or try to reason with them. When you are consistent in doing this with them....not reacting.... a lot of them will stop. Wishing you well. Stay strong

[@di3486]

I get paralyzed, enter in panic, shut down, get facial paralysis sometimes. Then, I completely retreat. I have never been defensive because I was trained to take guilt and think I was the one in the wrong, I NEVER lose my temper at all because I was also trained that was inaceptable. I wish I was more defensive actually because I never stand up for myself. Is there an example of this? I always see this topic in the context of defensive aggressive people (like I would NEVER yell at another person, not even to someone that insults me) not in the context of overly peaceful, good listener that struggles stepping up.

[@amber40494]

I only yell at my cats! I'm a total coward. The cats couldn't care less, the come right back!

[@AmberyTear]

As someone who honestly doesn't give a single fuck what 99,99999999% of people think of me, I find it so dumb that arguments trap me for days in sad ruminations. It's not because I care what that other person thinks but because they baffle and sadden me with their stupidity and harm they cause with it. Also I am open to connect with individuals but I always feel extreme disconnect from human species at large.

[@jtrose6995]

i no longer waste time trying to get an apology from people...they only care about being right doesnt matter who gets hurt. i wish i could just not get mad about it. control my anger? count to 10? wish it worked. im sorry but thanking someone for being a bleep? um no thats waaay too insincere for me to stomach.