Why Asian Parents Never Say I Love You

Why do Asian parents never say "I love you"? Well, it turns out there's more to this phenomenon than just "actions over words."
0:00 Intro
2:30 Exploring cultural differences in using "I Love You"
13:06 Love, social hierarchy and power dynamics
20:56 A future where asian parents say i love you more?
25:25 Conclusion
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References
Ahhhh I enjoyed reading up on all the research for this video so much, if I had to recommend one paper to read from the list it would be Potter's work!! She made a lot of insightful and heartbreaking observations on the repression of emotion as she observed rural Chinese villagers, and she had such incredible comparisons of cultural differences in saying i love you between China and America. Such a good read!
Academic references
Caldwell-Harris, C., Kronrod, A. and Yang, J. (2013). Do more, say less: Saying ‘I love you’ in Chinese and American cultures. Intercultural Pragmatics, 10(1). doi:doi.org/10.1515/ip-2013-0002.
Hsu, F. L. K. (1981). Americans and Chinese: Passage to differences (3rd ed.). Honolulu, HI: University of Hawaii Press.
Potter, S.H. (1988). The Cultural Construction of Emotion in Rural Chinese Social Life. Ethos, 16(2), pp.181-208. doi:doi.org/10.1525/eth.1988.16.2....
‌
Wilkins, R. and Gareis, E. (2006). Emotion expression and the locution ‘I love you’: A cross-cultural study. International Journal of Intercultural Relations, 30(1), pp.51-75. doi:doi.org/10.1016/j.ijintrel.20....
‌
Yum, J.O. (1988). The impact of Confucianism on interpersonal relationships and communication patterns in east Asia. Communication Monographs, 55(4), pp.374-388. doi:doi.org/10.1080/0363775880937....
Sources
Chung, C. (2014). Why Chinese parents don’t say I love you. [online] The Sydney Morning Herald. Available at: www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life....
edu.sina.com.cn. (2014). 外媒看中国：为什么中国家庭不说‘我爱你’. [online] Available at: edu.sina.com.cn/en/2014-02-26...
Grego, R. (2022). Saying ‘I love you’ across cultures: Personal intimacy in High/Low Context Cultures - Infinite Discoveries. [online] Available at: infinitediscoveries.org/sayin...
‌
Lander.edu. (2018). The Main Concepts of Confucianism. [online] Available at: philosophy.lander.edu/orienta....
Video references
Steven Lim: • Asian Parents React To...
TreeMan: • Surprise Calling Paren...
Arirang news: / @arirangcokrarirangnews
BGM
Demxntia - say "i love you" • demxntia - say “i love...
Liszt's Liebestraum No. 3 lofi version by D. Park: • Lofi Classical - Liszt...
Yellow - Coldplay (Cover by Si Mun x Jarron, orig. Chinese cover by Katherine Ho) • Yellow - Katherine Ho ...
Thanks for watching! 💓
Tags:
video essay, cultural commentary, social commentary, internet analysis, analysis video, asian parents, i love you, love, expressions of love, love languages, acts of service, words of affirmation, east asia, sociocultural essay, verbal expression, love through actions, cultural norms, parenting styles, asian parents, asian culture, asian family, cultural differences, bicultural upbringing, asian diaspora, asian values, nonverbal communication, asian communication styles, emotional expression, cultural beliefs, filial piety, traditional parenting, confucianism, china, korea, japan, chinese culture, korean culture, japanese culture, asian relationships, parent child relationship, asian parenting, cultural expectations, asian traditions, intergenerational relationships, parental love, east asian cultures, edvasian, rotten mango, mina le, gabi belle, not even emily, chinese with mia, kookielit

[@kyattogallery]

My bf (from Japan) was confused when I said I love you so freely to him. I explained to him what my mom told me: “life is full of ups and downs and you never know what will happen. So I always want you to remember that I love you. Even if we fight or have struggles, when you’re sad or depressed, when you’re scared and alone. I want you to know that no matter what I love you..” He says “love you” now whenever he leaves the house.

[@jonirischx8925]

This is so wholesome!

[@eden22.7]

Aww

[@FransceneJK98]

That’s awesome ❤

[@ngahang0213]

My eyes are sweating 🥹 so cuteee 🥹

[@willocoptor]

I’ve been fortunate to have asian parents that freely and often express that they love me. Every call, we end with a I love you

[@abcdefg-oj5wn]

Same. I’m Chinese and my family expresses our love through acts of service (though not really with words). Making or buying food for someone is equivalent to saying “I love you.” Asking if someone is hungry is like asking, “How are you? Are you ok?” Asking someone if they’re full (after a meal) is like saying “So you’re ok now?” Even though we never explicitly say “I love you,” it is implied through acts of service (usually revolving around food!)

[@aerimychrry]

​@@abcdefg-oj5wnsame here as a moroccan!!

[@aerimychrry]

I wouldn't say it's "fortunate". My parents rarely say I love you to me but I still know they do because actions speak louder than me and thet treat me very well, they respect my choices, they don't hit me or say horrible things like I hate you, they care about me... So I still consider myself lucky!!

[@ville__]

who asked+ uttp is better+ my content is way better than aini

[@100c0c]

That's expected as they are family/parents. Using words alongside actions is important. ​@@abcdefg-oj5wn

[@calvin10]

"Ok" is literally the best my parents give me in my entire 20years

[@tenet2406]

i be getting the K.O. of the slippers

[@JohnathanFallSeasonGuy]

Kid: “I love you Dad!” Dad: “………………..ok.”

[@aini_]

real 🥲

[@mistystfu1196]

Such a “Saitama from One Punch” reaction

[@dearthditch]

I’m not Asian. German descent. Also hugs are not a thing

[@resorufin6164]

It took almost two years of saying "I love you" to my mom and grandma before they started saying it back. Heck, even across my family they're wondering what sort of magic I cast to get that to happen.

[@deep_cuts2019]

Nice job wearing them down ;)

[@ville__]

who asked+ uttp is better+ my content is way better than aini

[@user-fiF5ei8tyah]

Do you say it in English? If so, does it have the same gravity as your native tongue?

[@resorufin6164]

@@user-fiF5ei8tyah I don't! If I'll be honest, I don't even know how to say it in my mother's language (if it has any specific phrase at all).

[@WesternCommie]

Something I've noticed about the "I love you" thing from the west, is that sometimes you just don't know if you will see the person again. Someone could pass because of an accident and whatever you said last is the thing you'll remember. Saying "I love you" to someone could bring peace of mind...

[@averyc.8447]

Yeah I had a roommate who would call her mom, her dad, her brother, and her boyfriend every night just to say "I love you" because she was terrified of one of them passing away

[@oliverlarosa8046]

Exactly, you never know when it might be the last chance you'll get to do so

[@aerimychrry]

for us it's just cringe so we never say it. my parents say it more often than me (it's still very rare) and if they do i dont even respond back because i'm too shocked 😭

[@ville__]

who asked+ uttp is better+ my content is way better than aini

[@pepedust782]

@@aerimychrry ​ I never understood how in asian culture, caring for others is very important when on the other hand it's not natural to show love to your own relatives. I feel like it's easier for you to say when people do bad stuff than congratulate when something good is done. If showing love is cringe, no wonder why so many feel sad, abandoned or have trouble expressing positive feelings. Btw I don't say that in a mean way, it's just a logical observation.

[@nat6lbg440]

I have asian parents, I think that I never heard them say "I love you" once. My problem now is that I have no idea how to show affection other than services and helping. Just saying "I love you" seems so strange to me, it doesn't feel authentic when I try to say it. I know that my parents love me but I don't think we can express our feelings openly.

[@anny8720]

I feel this so much, in my family we don't even say thank you very often, it's just implied through reciprocation of those acts of service. So I'm not sure an I love you would even be possible

[@iimmortalldreams]

@@anny8720 If you're EA culture coded it's because thank you implies formality which equals distance. You can make a friend native to Korea/China and if you say thank you some will look at you funny or you'll never become close friends. Apologies if you knew this already but I feel a lot of diaspora don't and I wish their parents would explain since a lot are conflicted by caucasian norms.

[@anny8720]

@@iimmortalldreams yeah I don't think we're lacking for not using thank yous tbh it's never felt needed tho it does feel weird comparing my family to my non ea friends and most of the asian people I knew growing up had more americanized parents while my parents just a straight up time capsule of when they left china

[@Tom-ahawk]

No judgement ever. I get it. But for me, saying I love you to my mom and girlfriend daily are things that bring me through the day. It genuinely feels good and never feels like it loses meaning. In some cases it is downright healing to my mental state.

[@Gimmetimetothinkdawg]

Nice username if your name’s Tom

[@jamessovea4993]

Yeah, I feel that way. But I still cannot say I love you in my own language (I was born in the eu) I usually say it in English or any other language, since it has a much higher meaning in my native tongue

[@hibikino]

"Welcome to Costco. I love you."

[@ruralsquirrel5158]

🤣😁😂

[@keanuxu5435]

Heehee. The exactly opposite problem of this video, going from the lack of “I love you” to the commodification of “I love you”, making the phrase meaningless.

[@eftwli7119]

Some real problems happen when some toxic Chinese parents not only refuse to say ‘I love you’, but also explicitly and constantly say ‘I hate you’ or ‘you are such a bad/disobedient kid compared to the child of my friend’. Their assertion of dominance in the confucian society in this way can have very profound impact on their children’s psychological development. Their children can become very depressed in their childhood, and sarcastically, when the children grow up, they will repeat this to their own children and then this ideology passes on from generation to generation 😢😢

[@somerandomuser5155]

The stereotype that come from actual reality is very concerning

[@Dordord]

What's wrong with you? Keeping saying i love you IS a problem. Anglo-Saxons has the loudest voice on the world stage doesn't automatically mean their habits are right, are laws to follow

[@Fran-vt5xm]

​@@Dordordnot necessarily, some people are just really affectionate

[@dead_vibes]

​@@Dordordbut I hate you won't have any effects?

[@eldritchtourist]

​@@Dordord Someone is describing literal verbal child abuse and you're asking what's wrong with them, huh?

[@Jennysarchival]

I recently had a big fight with my mom about this. I'm a first generation Chinese immigrant in Germany and even though my parents are more open with their affection than other Chinese parents it still always bothered me how they would say such hurtful words during fights and just pretend nothing happened after a while (not a even an act of apology). My birthday was recently and my parents neither called nor texted me on my birthday. I kinda expected it but it still hurt. The following weekend was my birthday party and my parents cooked a huge Chinese buffet for my friends and I. The party was great but I just couldn't shake off the heavy heart of my parents not saying "Happy birthday" even once. The feeling persisted for a week and I finally decided to call my mom and tell her how much it bothered me and my mom was understanding at first but then got angry at how ungrateful I was. Don't get me wrong I'm super grateful that they did the party for me but I also told her "You could have saved 100€ and just texted me happy birthday and I would have been twice as happy". Then a fight broke out and she insulted me a few times. We kinda talked it out and after the call she texted me "Mom and dad will forever love you, remember that". I just felt instantly how this one message healed every crack in my heart. Sometimes I wish I didn't have such a western mindset since my parents do so many acts of services but I hate how they always insult me (weight related and high expectations) and just throw money at me to shrug it off. Maybe it's my immaturity I don't know. Over the years I've learned to deal with their way of showing affection and my parents have learned to say that they do in fact love me sometimes. I guess it's a learning process for us all.

[@p0lyblank]

In my country (Poland) "I love you" is reserved more for romantic love, parents expressing love for their child would be more like... praising them? "You're such a good and talented kid and your interests are epic" is much less awkward than "I love you" when my mum says it. Of course there are families where this phrase is very common, but overall I've never heard any parent tell their kid "I love you", ESPECIALLY in public. I think that if I said to my family "I love you" outta nowhere they'd be worried about my mental health lmao

[@Dordord]

For most of the country it is same case, only those hypocrisy Anglo-Saxons keep saying i love you to anyone.

[@TaniaRocha_tsr]

Yeah, Portugal here and "I love you" is usually reserved for romantic love (unless you are drunk or in an extreme situation, then all bets are off). If parents express love verbally it's via "I am so proud of you having done X" or "I really like X thing about you" or "I feel lucky to be your parent" or other things like this. In writing, we may write "I like you very much" (or in special days we may say it), which does not sound childish like in English, but serious and reserved to your family and closest friends.

[@TaniaRocha_tsr]

Also, a lot of mothers (most usually) in my culture still show love via food. They bring food when they visit, they ask if they can send more food, they ask what are have been eating... although to be fair my culture revolves a lot around meals.

[@tedlovejesus]

Praising kids is as rare as saying i love you.. in many Asian societies

[@ville__]

who asked+ uttp is better+ my content is way better than aini

[@l8terivy]

please never stop making these videos! cultural literacy helps us to stop judging and start understanding people who act and behave differently. americans are so bad at thinking our values are superior and seeing other cultures as inferior. these videos really help❤

[@aini_]

aww you’re too sweet thank you!! every culture deserves respect so i’m glad i can offer another perspective 🫶🏼

[@praz7]

You're correct about that and I can see some comments doing exactly that.

[@liselottehildegarde5367]

I relate to this so much! As the eldest daughter in a Filipino-Chinese family, I've never heard my parents, " I'm sorry" ever in my life even when I was unjustly accused or beaten. The last I've ever heard my parent say " I love you" was when I was 5 years old.

[@Wybrand418]

Indirect speech drives me crazy. My asian partner asks me "have you seen my phone", and when I say "no" she gets angry at me because I didn't get up and look for it. Bruh, if you want me to do something, just tell me.

[@doujinflip]

I think that’s why Western expressiveness is still trending, there’s too much cost and friction to learn a lifetime of nuances specific to a culture, and then still make mistakes which can easily spiral into personal permabans. Power distance can be fatal; whole planeloads of people have died because the flight deck wasn’t as assertive toward their pilot in charge as they should have been.

[@tomaccino]

I find lack of detailed communication in southeast asia the worst. You land with the plane, get to the hotel, you say you have a reservation and give them your info, but then you see the two receptionists bickering in their local language. You're thinking what's wrong and they just say "please have a seat" in English and you sit down confused. Turns out the room wasn't ready... But that's like the basics of communication, you need to explain the situation and not ignorantly think that you can argue in front of a guest and think we won't know. It's like a magic wall pops up when they switch to their local language and completely disregard the fact that they're unprofessional in front of a guest. Another thing is when you're in a serious relationship and at some point your love breaks up but doesn't tell you exactly 😂🤦🏻 They would just argue and say everything else except the words "break up".

[@sae.6545]

This! I'm more "westernized" than my mother and sometimes I ask her the same "Have you seen [ ]?" and she gets so angry and berating! She thinks I'm asking her to find it, but in reality I'm genuinely asking is she has seen it nearby.

[@adalovelace521]

I can't imagine what it would have made me not to have my mom's love shining on me, warm and open

[@SibilaDelphos]

@@amethystdream8251 She never said you are useless you are projecting insecurities

[@Praisethesunson]

That is so sweet. Happy for you and your mama.

[@ville__]

who asked+ uttp is better+ my content is way better than aini

[@tulip811]

Why would you be stingy with love TOWARDS YOUR FAMILY ​@@amethystdream8251

[@amethystdream8251]

​@SibilaDelphos I don't believe I am useless, thank you very much. I got a whole lot of bad energy from commenting here, leave me alone. Does the concept of someone being a confident person without loving parents threaten you? Is that why you felt the need to project insecurity onto me? I've gone through hell and back for my confidence. It is well earned. It's a bit odd to wave this in people's faces though, I can see how it can be intense and overbearing - so I usually don't. Don't tell me I'm insecure when I'm not. I'm just annoyed at the bias.

[@sacflyy]

in my language (serbian), saying a full on "volim te" ("i love you") sounds too heavy, but over time we've started saying the abbreviation "vt" between friends, which probably stems from texting, and it sounds much more casual! i think the ways in which languages adapt are so cool

[@juliaxjpg]

Hey! I live in Switzerland but my parents are Serbian and we talk Serbian at home but I‘m not sure how often people usually use „volim te“. My mom rarely says it to me, but for me it feels too heavy to say😅 Since you probably live in Serbia, in what settings/relationships would you say people say „volim te“ and how often?

[@OsamasStory]

In my mother tongue we don’t have the phrase “I love you” so my parents never said that to any of us.

[@bukichi]

for reall??? what language is it

[@lapis722]

what lagnuage pls share

[@Sum_Yousah]

Let me guess: Arabic?

[@abiutheartist]

@@Sum_Yousahno

[@Sum_Yousah]

@@abiutheartist أنت على حق، كثيرا ما نقول "أنا أحبك"

[@kai990]

European here. Every time i have lost a loved one i just wished i would have said and expressed my love more during the time we had. I should say it much more often.

[@ruralsquirrel5158]

Indeed, the older I get and the more friends and family I see dying off, the more I realize how important it is to tell people how much you care about them, while you have the chance. You never know if it's the last time you'll see someone.

[@mothercat6083]

As an American with a greek immigrant father, I always could related to my Muslim and Asian friends because our parents treated us the similar crazy strict ways .i later found out in psychology it’s called Traditional parenting styles and in my experience it unites kids with shared trauma lol 😂

[@user-bi7xd8ry5p]

Bruh, you don't know the half of it. I'm a full bloodied Greek, and my parents were older than usual when I was born. This meant I was essentially raised with a 1950s to 1960s parenting style.

[@duonopocky]

Lol growing up in NYC all of my best friends (who I've stuck with for 30+ years) are the children of immigrants and consistently our favorite talking point is the similarity in our parents even though we're all from completely different backgrounds

[@mothercat6083]

@@user-bi7xd8ry5p I’m in my mid 20s but my father from Greece is in his 70s rn, I am very lucky my other parent was American so I got the best (and worst) of both worlds LOL

[@elevatedmeance6807]

because most immigrates that weren't part of the US side during the cold war retained collectivist cultures and norms. After the war, with the boom of the economy and jobs, families in the west could afford not being collectivist and start weird trends (moving out at 18, buying a house at 18 which then resulted in more freedoms in personal life etc). Though with how much economy wise has changed , families in the west are going back to a collectivist culture they abandoned after the war Meanwhile everywhere else retained a collectivist style of culture around their families because the could not afford to be individual like the west which is why they held on to it and only now with their economies in a much better state, the internet and with some of the disapora going to the west and learning about individualism, those societies are becoming more individualist but not at the rate that ameirca did. Reason why immigrant parents seem to be unable to express themself properly is because in collectivist families, needs of many outweighed the needs of one so one could not focus on ways to work on expressing themself as often.

[@mothercat6083]

@@elevatedmeance6807 This is some actually good historical and cultural information, someone like you could make a good commentary video out of this topic!

[@lapis722]

i say i love you in english often but in my native language somali its only reserved for my parents which feel weird sometimes and maybe a rare occasion for my siblings (not cause i hate them but the word is strong) saying to friends in somali i could never

[@whydoineedausername1386]

You *is* the polite form of you. We dropped the impolite form (thou), not the polite one. Swedish is an example of a language that dropped the formal version (ni). And the switch from titles and "ni" to the informal "du" only happened as a very intentional shift that lasted from ~1900-1970

[@ruralsquirrel5158]

Exactly correct. That is why in the King James translation of the Bible, addressing God is done with "thou" (informal), not "you", to show a close relationship.

[@fishfish8879]

“It's discouraging to think how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.” ― Noël Coward, Blithe Spirit

[@fishfish8879]

“Some people are in such utter darkness that they will burn you just to see a light. Try not to take it personally.” ― Kamand Kojouri

[@povilasl5383]

wake up babe, new aini dropped

[@pairofrooks]

I'm an older midwestern white american that married chinese, and we've had these discussions. It's perfectly possible to overuse words until they have no meaning anymore, but also, acts of service isn't an either-or choice versus words of kindness. A good parent uses both. And knows when NOT to use them. I've seen parents guilt-trip their kids, even young ones, by saying how much they work for them when it's really just basic parenting duties and I come down pretty harshly on that. Children aren't there to serve adults. I've seen this more often in chinese circles because while it must also happen in american ones, the american ones tend to hide that kind of treatment from other americans for the obvious reason of being called out on that behaviour by other adults.

[@suzystar3]

This is a great video. I didn't realise how any of that worked. It explains some of my difficulty. My dad, British, will express love all the time but he is unwilling to treat me like a daughter but rather treats me like a friend. My mum will never express love towards me but she will go to the ends of the earth to fulfil her duty as a mother and make sure I have a good life.

[@Ahmad-os3si]

Give me examples like if and when I became a father I will treat her as a friend cause I never had a dad so I dont know what you mean the role of father ? Other than being a guide or advices from an elder friend (aka me )

[@my2iu]

⁠​⁠@@Ahmad-os3siYour child is an independent person who might not share any interests with you and who might not enjoy hanging out with you. It’s possible that your child may not even like you very much. As such, your child isn’t your friend, and that’s fine. As a father, you can still be available for them and protect them and help them out, even if you have nothing in common with them. Also, a child is NOT your equal. As a father, you are expected to provide emotional support and companionship to your child. Your child should NOT provide emotional support and companionship to you. They should not be expected to bear that responsibility when they are young, even though normal friends would do that.

[@Ahmad-os3si]

@@my2iu still I dont understand your definition of friend I know all of this but the comment said that her father is refusing to be her father but choose to be a friend I don't understand that ?

[@my2iu]

@@Ahmad-os3si As the father, you often have to discipline your child or get tough with them and force them to do things they might not like such as doing chores or doing homework etc. Some parents would rather be liked by their child than to enforce discipline. A parent who is your friend will just do all the fun stuff with you and let you do whatever you want even when you are wrong and behaving immaturely. A father will also be stern with you when you are acting selfish and immature. Who forces you to eat your vegetables, do your homework, go to sleep at bedtime, put down the phone, and to stop playing games all the time? It isn’t your friends.

[@Ahmad-os3si]

@@my2iu you are right

[@nickjohnson3619]

I had an emotional moment with my dad the other week he said "see ya later man."

[@meridanikole]

i've read somewhere that for a bilingual person, the learned second language doesn't really hold that much power while talking. my first language is not english and whenever i felt overwhelmed by my emotions and felt like i could not utter the words without bawling my eyes out, i would just start talking in english. a person's first language always holds a lot more meaning and emotion than a second one.

[@ruralsquirrel5158]

I speak a bunch of languages, and saying "I love you" comes much more naturally in some and not in others. I would NEVER say it in German, for example, but no problem in Italian or French.

[@lavernejones4716]

In the words of Winston Churchill, “speaking to a person in their second language is speaking to their brain, but speaking to them in their native language is speaking to their heart.”

[@bukichi]

Growing up, I mostly indulged in Western media and saw family dynamics where everyone was really affectionate and open with each other. So I expected my parents to be the same. When I was 14, I made a big scene at home, crying and tearing up family pictures because I was upset that my parents didn't hug me or say "I love you." 😭 I can't even remember the last time they said it, if they ever did. I thought that's how families were supposed to be, based on what I saw in movies, celeberities, and even from vloggers. Over time, I've come to realize that it's normal for families not to have that kind of relationship. The families of the ppl i know and the way family is portrayed in my country are different from what I saw in Western media. I had this expectation that our relationship should be full of gentle, sweet words and affection. Instead, I get passive agressive comments, but hey they're only concerned for me.. idk if that's a good thing or a bad thing... i know they lov e me and want what's best for me but i nust hate how i i feel uncomfortable when ppl are affectionate to me because i never got that from my parents

[@dinaatjuh]

Thank you for this honest comment. To me it explains how messed up things can get for a person who grows up in a different cultural environment then their family relations did. And how that has great influence even later in life. I always lived in one place in one culture that my family is also part of, so I never had an experience like yours. Thank you for sharing, I feel I learned about a new perspective because of your honesty.

[@anny8720]

You don't have to like the way they chose to show their love, I also felt the same with the passive aggressive concern. Concern itself is fine but I don't like having to repeatedly reassure them on the same topics everytime and they seem to doubt me more than they believe in me

[@eldritchtourist]

Passive aggressive concern and judgement -- where's the difference here? Caring about someone doesn't make it okay.

[@DrAnarchy69]

That sounds like your family is exhibiting incredibly toxic behavior. Passive aggression and indifference sounds like child abuse

[@juliee593]

Sounds like your feelings are very valid... I don't come from your culture at all and still relate to your experience to a certain extent. Affection is a need, and if the closest people to you don't show you affection, it's just normal to feel upset. And no, passive agressive remarks are not a way to show care. They are just an underhanded form of agression that people justify with the excuse of "but I'm concerned for you". Think about it, if you're concerned about someone would you repeat mean things to them? I don't think we should excuse toxic relationships by saying "it's the culture". Sometimes the culture itself is toxic.

[@xiphoid2011]

I think many Asian parents instill more fear than love in their children. I think it may have something to do with ensuring that we don't become "soft" or uncompetitive. My parents never said they love me or good job. Even when I won at national competition and got full college scholarship, they still didn't say that. It's just gave me more assignments, yelling, beating, ensuring that I stayed on track and became successful. And when the child finally grows up, saying I love you after all that would just be weird and cause cognitive dissonance.

[@augustuslunasol10thapostle]

They abuse you so why would you even give any credence to their words?

[@autoteleology]

I disowned my parents for less, ask yourself if they really serve any value to you or if what you really stay attached to them for is the idea of what a parent should be and that you're still holding onto them because letting go would require acceptance of that lack of fulfillment

[@bl-nb8fo]

The ironic thing is, all that verbal and mental abuse they think will "toughen" you up just makes kids develop into timid adults who can't stand up for themselves or challenge authority when necessary.

[@mackmaster100]

The last seconds with your grandparents giving fruits was so nice and cute!

[@fishfish8879]

“Ego is probably one of the biggest poisons we can have - it's toxic to any environment.” ― Jonny Kim

[@SerWhiskeyfeet]

Speech is an action. Risking the psychological vulnerability of saying it despite the uncertainty of reciprocity is was makes it more powerful than mere action. As an aside, I think it’s becoming less common in relationships. My coworkers would talk about sex all the time and all the crazy stuff they were into but I mentioned the word love they would shrivel.

[@trollingisasport]

Issue with speech is that people say I love you to feel good or comfortable or out of obligation. At the end of the day most relationships are held together through comptability and obligation. All that emotional stuff around the words is convoluted and not alwayd as meaningful as the words are idealized to be.

[@SerWhiskeyfeet]

@@trollingisasport people saying I love you to feel good about themselves is not bad. People who say it out of obligation is not an issue either. I used to focus too much on the “you” in I love you and not enough on the “I.” When I would say it, all I really wanted was for the person I was saying it to to say it to me. Now when I say it, I only say it if it’s true regardless of whether or not the person I’m saying it to says it back.

[@serenediipity]

my dad is a jamaican immigrant of mixed chinese ancestry and i've definitely noticed the trend of acts of service over words of affirmation within him. i've gotten into the habit of saying i love you at the end of a phone call but i can't recall him ever being the one to initiate those same words. however, he'll gladly give me gas/grocery money or bring me a bowl of sliced fruit and i've learned to appreciate it just as much

[@folddealfeal2740]

i had to introduce saying i love you to my jamaican family, wild

[@michaeladu6120]

I'm from Ghana and this all feels so relatable. Saying 'I love you' sort of feels like a really powerful thing than you say anyhow. Saying you love someone is only ever used on a few rare occasions, usually between couples and in church when we say "Jesus loves you."

[@-Raylight]

Me : *"I love you"* My parents : *"Are you a doctor or a lawyer now?"* Guess for Asian parents, actions speak louder than words. Also flying flip-flops is just Tuesday for us xD

[@eldritchtourist]

Dark.

[@iimmortalldreams]

I prefer it this way. It means when I say it, it holds more weight. If you've ever been part of friend groups, especially female ones, worked in a white collar office job in the West it's full of "I love you" but being two faced. It costs nothing and most times means nothing. You can have a bf/gf say they love you to high heavens but still treat you like an afterthought and cheat. Asians learn talk is cheap early.

[@ville__]

who asked+ uttp is better+ my content is way better than aini

[@juliee593]

"haha child abuse xD" You may be coping with humour but please remember it's in no way acceptable to throw shit at anyone, much less at your children.

[@Oceanatornowk]

My family says I love you to each other pretty regularly, but we’re also pretty Americanized. Glad this is one more thing I didn’t have stressing me out lol

[@ktjp.94]

Coincidentally, the 'pinyin' of aini could also mean 'love you' （爱你） Love the vid as always.

[@jsomeone9226]

Discussions on indirect language show me both how abuse has shaped my perception of the world and why I get on a lot of people's nerves. I am American, if it's not incredibly obvious Not reading indirect communication properly got me smacked a lot as a kid, so I became fluent in it while hating indirect communication. My dad is the type to mock his kids for saying I love you, believes that actions are enough, and is incredibly indirect with speech. He is the son of two Ukrainian people I now view refuse to deal with indirect communication, yet read it fluently. Like someone will say "It sure is hot today", I will understand they want me to turn on the fan, and I will completely ignore that request because I view it as rude they would not ask directly. I view it as rude to make me have to put the effort into understanding what you want and then punish me if I fail. I then started musing on the power dynamics of that sort of situation. Part of why I am so direct is that I'm willing to argue, fight, etc. if the consequences of my statement are negative. I can now see why a lot of people would consider direct communication to be rude. It's an invitation for a confrontation, which many people simply do not want to do. And if there is any sort of power imbalance, that confrontation becomes so much harder to have. I do not think either way is more valid, but I will continue with my directness and not honoring people's indirect requests. Thank you for the new perspective, it was enlightening

[@sapphoshusband]

someone said this was an interaction between 'ask' culture and 'guess' culture, but this new framing actually makes a lot more sense in power dynamics. the soft conditioning to flex someone's power by making you act without direct command, only through constant apprehension of their discomfort. it's very 'politeness/proprietary' coded and absolutely a tactic abusers use

[@grandsome1]

Direct communication forces the hierarchical and power dynamics between people to rise to the attention of both parties, traditional cultures and abusive people view the hierarchy as natural and a thing that shouldn't be questioned. Which is why they think they shouldn't have to ask an "inferior" to serve them. If they have to ask it invites questioning, criticism and negotiation, so they don't want that, so they just make indirect comments. Though, sometimes people are just clueless of their environment so they might not see the solution to their problem right in front of their nose, so there's nuance.

[@bl-nb8fo]

Yeah, well from the other perspective, your directness makes them think you're not the brightest person and cant read between the lines

[@fishfish8879]

“Most people like mirrors; what they do not like, is people, who are mirrors.” ― Justin K. McFarlane Beau

[@AdamYJ]

As an American, I think I got culture shock just from watching this. I would never last in East Asia, I can't even read the bits of indirect communication we do use here in the U.S. I'm lousy at "reading the room" as the saying goes. I do wonder if the hesitancy to talk about emotions is why mental health and mental health treatment are so stigmatized in some East Asian countries. Because the treatment for such things is usually psychotherapy, which involves talking about emotions.

[@anny8720]

It's more acceptable to have a physical disability or illness that explains your inability to do normal things but can be cured or has easily understood treatment than having a mental illness or psychological disability, though disability in general is also stigmatized for putting extra burden on your family to take care of you. Asian parents often trust the doctor over a therapist, and you have to prove your mental illness and that therapy and medication would be effective. My mom would buy cough medicine in the middle of the night if I got sick but I get constantly asked if I really need meds for adhd and she still doesn't really understand it (bc shes probably the one I got it from and she thinks it's normal) and I frame it around performance in school instead. I feel with mental illness in particular they don't like the uncertainty of you not getting better and that mental illness don't necessarily have a clear cut cause and effect, or that they may be the ones who contributed to it and need to adjust and make amends for their behavior. This is where western therapy speak kinda falls short imo bc you're not supposed to question your parents authority like this and hold them to be accountable for their actions. The trope of a higher authority coming in to talk sense into your parents and make them understand the child's viewpoint is also popular because of this and always hits different when I see it in asian video games, ga-ming's story quest in genshin is a recent example that some western fans didn't like bc they felt xianyun (higher authority as an immortal being) crossed boundaries in inserting herself in his issues with his father without ga-ming asking her to do so, but that is the fantasy for a lot of teens that someone unattached will take action and it not be perceived as disrespect from the child like it would if the parent knew they requested outside help. I wrote a lot but I have experienced this personally so I hope my explanation helps

[@klem9758]

@@anny8720I’m Asian, in therapy and getting diagnosed with ADHD too, and my parents have the exact same response

[@francesco3772]

​@@anny8720very interesting, thx for sharing!

[@LaddTr0n]

I think the western ‘I Love You’ can serve two purposes too depending on context and emotions expressed behind it. We have the causal ‘I Love You’ that you may say at the end of an interaction as maybe a lite reminder and the rarer one where we might bring some one in close and with deep emotion express ‘I Love You’ when we’re really feeling it. I don’t think saying it often cheapens the later expression at all.

[@llanahmaebayugao]

As a person whose first language isn't english, i didn't realize until now how different and odd it is to say i love you in my own language 😭

[@FransceneJK98]

What language is that?

[@soonny002]

Yeah, my parents are very reluctant to say I love you. But they waste no chance in saying they don't. Lol.

[@fishfish8879]

“If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.” ― Mark Twain

[@fishfish8879]

“You will do foolish things, but do them with enthusiasm.” ― Colette

[@Livewyr7]

*holds up saying "I love you" and Sacrifice/Acts of Service* "Why not both?"

[@Plantjournalentries]

your videos are so good. very sophisticated, multi angled, and quite deep without being dry. great work! I enjoy them a lot. also wanted to add that it does justice to asian culture's depth, and it "humanized" Asian culture in a Eurocentric world by breaking it down where certain seemingly buzzard actions are coming from.

[@fishfish8879]

“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

[@_____134]

i tell my friends “i love you” 24/7, but they’ll pry „волим те” out of my rotting dead mouth

[@NooraFaizal-bo6me]

if you don't mind me asking, what does that mean?

[@_____134]

@@NooraFaizal-bo6me i love you

[@NooraFaizal-bo6me]

@@_____134 ohh ok thx

[@zhangkaikai3827]

Oh my goodness thank you so much for taking a deeeep dive into this topic Aini! I would never think that the direct expression of love can be a threat to the social hierarchy in East Asian culture (which is like you said very role-oriented while expressing affection almost bypass the role of the person), which is why it was rarely seen! I also totally relate to the phenomenon that it is earlier to say I love you in English than my first language (mandarin), I would almost get goosebumps when I utter the phrase because it almost feel cringy me (and interestingly I started to feel it in English, too). Based on what I learned from the video, it seems like my belief of the utterance of love is still heavily influenced by my Chinese heritage😳. I think another thought that I have when it comes to vulnerability is that although I view vulnerability is an essential part of any kind of relationship, if we are applying the same logic (that it can be a threat to the hierarchy), can this be the reason that vulnerability is not being viewed as important, sometimes even discouraged, between parents and children? Man that’s a lot 😂😂😂 but again this topic is so interesting and I’ve watched several of your videos and I’ve enjoyed them so far🤩🤩🤩thank you so so much for sharing your insights! 爱你🤩❤️

[@christa0026]

i love your content aini. everytime you post i get a spark of happiness to see youre still making content and doing well.

[@anju5124]

Aini, your videos are great and insightful beyond explanation. This channel has become one of my favorite channels. I have repeatedly watched your videos (which I usually don't do at all.). I am getting educated a lot through your channel about east Asian cultures. Thank you so much for these thoroughly researched videos. ❤

[@Proxyincognito]

Just "You've done okay in life" would have been earth shattering to me.

[@fishfish8879]

“You gotta be careful: don't say a word to nobody about nothing anytime ever.” ― Johnny Depp

[@ce_982]

your video essays are always so interesting and well done

[@fishfish8879]

“When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.” ― Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

[@marvnch]

banger aini video as always

[@MatchaLatteIsLife]

I'm so glad this video showed up in my recommendations because youtube apparently unsubscribed me for some reason and it was so good, I would've hated to miss it! I think it's a really well-made overview of the whole topic and a lot of things that play into it. I honestly especially liked that you also included a segment about the attitude of US Americans towards it, it was very interesting! I'm from Germany, and while things are changing with US influence, at least in my family expressing any kind of care was definitely a "special moment" thing at most, and even then we kinda skirted around it. Same goes for compliments, and honestly since complaining is kind of our smalltalk, saying "there's nothing to complain about" is like. a BIG compliment honestly lol so when I first got in contact with US Americans in particular online, it was... very strange. It all felt over the top, honestly (and sometimes it still does). Especially when my friends would say "I love you", not even in a slightly roundabout way, I felt extremely uncomfortable. I feel I adjusted relatively well by now, at least when it's writing and in English, but I still rarely say it if not in return, and instead for the most Emotional moments I use things like "I cherish you" or "I care for you" bc "love" just feels so.... strong and inappropriate to express directly? Even when I was dating someone I never did :'D I think it's also influenced me to be a bit more open in my native language and I can now usually fight through the at best awkward feeling of telling someone things like "I enjoyed spending time with you today" or whatever, but I still would never consider telling someone I like/love them directly, except for maybe a special occasion like a birthday or if they bring it up first. MAYBE. Okay it was genuinely such a good video I had so much more to comment on but this is already such a huge wall I shall refrain. But yeah, that part in particular somehow really got to me so again, thank you for all of this

[@kikimons99]

This was such a good and informative video and the ending was so sweet 🥹 thank you aini

[@jrstevie4241]

Amazing video. Really good job. I’ve learned about a lot if new stuff from watching your videos. Supper happy to see another upload, can’t wait for the next one!

[@fishfish8879]

“Compassion is a lifetime business. You can't say something like, "I will have compassion on Monday, Thursdays and Fridays only. But for the rest, I will be cruel". That is hypocrisy.” ― Israelmore Ayivor

[@AZ-ty7ub]

Very interesting video. In reverse, although I greatly prefer emotional openness, it makes me think of the dark side of Western affection too. Many dysfunctional families weaponize love and affection in order to get what they want. "But I love you so much, how could you (anything they don't agree with) to me???" "I love you so much, but you don't do anything in return (when you don't give affection in the way they want" "You can never understand how much I love you, so you (do this impossible thing I want)" While this has opened my eyes to other cultures, I can't say ours is perfect either. (Though I do think emotional openness makes it easier to foster strong relationships.)

[@Xsksnssjccxghb]

Im one of the few spoiled ones that gets told “aini, baobei” (love you baby) by my mum all the time 😭

[@DrAnarchy69]

It’s not being spoiled, it’s being affirmed. Humans need affirmation

[@anotherday-anotherslay]

love you, aini

[@fishfish8879]

“Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.” ― André Malraux

[@fishfish8879]

“Fantasy is hardly an escape from reality. It's a way of understanding it.” ― Lloyd Alexander

[@Raven-bi3xn]

Great video as always! You're my #1 East Asian culture educational channel! Though American society is not homogeneous. In particular, in some conservative communities, the relationship between parents, specially fathers and their children, is very absent of affectionate words like I love you. It's because to them, the expression of emotions and affection is sign of weakness as, just like you mentioned, it corrodes the power dynamic and the ability to control others, mainly at work, and many extend this notion to their personal relationships like the connection to their kids. Part of the reason that the modern American culture of parenting is moving towards BOTH acts of services AND verbal expression is to ensure their children grow with minimal trauma and secure attachments. I have not seen a comparative study, but all the studies I've seen in this area shows how this style of parenting increases the mental health of the children and their sense of safety later in life. Another note is that in American culture, given the level of individuality, it is known that what would keep their relationship between children and parents once they grow is not power dynamics and power imbalance. Therefore, expression of love is not deemed threatening to corrode the power dynamic since that power dynamic does not exist as of late teen years anyways. Lastly, I don't think anyone says I love you to their kids to continue their connecion, nor do partners do that to continue their relationship because high mobility does not mean "if you don't say I love every day then it's over". That was a reach! ;)

[@sarangelg]

This video is soo good. Your explanation is so clear, so full of cultural background, is admirable how much you can teach through just a couple of minutes

[@shinsooxx]

New aini video! POGGERS

[@fishfish8879]

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” ― George Carlin

[@jenniferlam7482]

Excellent video. Yes. My mom may not say i love you often but I know her love is as consistent as the sun rising and setting each day. And its true that so many standards of what is "wrong" is through a Western video. Thanks Aini. This has made me feel a lot better about myself and culture. And with what you mentioned about folktales of men expressing their love too freely to lure girls, that actually makes so much sense when you put it in context of Asian parents' reluctance and suspicion of new people in their kids' social circle! Theres a fine balance to walk across both sides of course but context always helps.

[@AbiExists]

I love your videos so much! They make me think and examine cultural understandings of the world around me, but in an approachable way that I have not seen by anyone else on this platform 💜💜 I hope that you continue to find joy and fulfillment in your content because me and many others love every single one you’ve made so far

[@fishfish8879]

“Just because something isn't a lie does not mean that it isn't deceptive. A liar knows that he is a liar, but one who speaks mere portions of truth in order to deceive is a craftsman of destruction.” ― Criss Jami

[@fishfish8879]

“Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.” ― Euripides, The Bacchae

[@Psysium]

What a great video. Communication is fascinating and honestly, quite difficult. It's hard to say whether or not there's a right answer, but I think making sure people know you care about them is almost always a good thing. This is tangential, but in my own life, I'm pretty careful about saying I love you. My mom and i say it to each other the most, and it's typically when I leave the house. Morbidly, it's because if one of us gets into a car accident, then that phrase will be the last thing we've said to each other. As a lesbian, I feel awkward saying it to my female friends, and I've had one conversation where we clarified right away that it was platonic. My best guy friend and I say it to each other once in a while, we've been friends for close to twenty years at this point. I don't feel the phrase has been significantly watered down in my own life, but when I am truly *filled* with love toward another person, the word doesn't feel like nearly enough. I feel like sitting down with the person and showing them a deeply emotional song and saying, "Okay, THIS is how I feel when I think about you." Poetry/song lyrics get the closest to my heart. I have learned to recognize love in the actions of other people, but I think I'd probably end up hurting if no one ever said it to me again. My mom said her parents basically never said it to her (Midwestern American raised) so she made it a point to make sure both my sister and I grew up hearing it. And I'm really, really grateful for that.

[@gstlb]

Your videos are some of the smartest on KZbin. Thank you.

[@Gwen_Beautiful_Smile]

Wauw, what an amazing and insightful video! Thank you Annie.

[@irim8703]

Thank you for this amazing video! ❤

[@fishfish8879]

"Never step in the same river twice can you. Each time the river hurries on. Each time he that steps has changed." ― Yoda, Star Wars

[@fishfish8879]

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” ― Oscar Wilde

[@fishfish8879]

“People appear like angels until you hear them speak. You must not rush to judge people by the colour of their cloaks, but by the content of their words!” ― Israelmore Ayivor

[@fishfish8879]

“It is far kinder and smarter to show someone a better path in life than to darkly follow down their's with the self-righteous belief that you do so with the purer intentions of justly punishing them for their previous actions, making you hypocritically the same and thus influencing further negative repercussions.” ― Isabella Poretsis

[@danskiyq]

Your videos are getting less views, but know that they are very interesting and it's always a pleasure to watch one of them, so please keep up creating them! Can't wait for a new one!

[@TheKaurK]

Your video is so on point!! The whole time we are taught that adhering to these norms is supposed to be more important than to say what's in your heart. But "breaking" these otherwise severely held norms is maybe what's making that "i love you" said at an important juncture feel so valuable and meaningful.. Annnnndd where's the authenticity in that?! I find the value of such an "i love you" to somewhat be artificially inflated.. undeserving of the pedestal it has been put on. It is good that it's finally being said but it only feels as good as it does because you were deprived of it all your life. Those sweet gestures meant as a substitution for vulnerable words were never enough to bridge the gap or else it wouldn't mean as much as it does when those words are actually finally said. But maybe that's not the case for everyone, people are never a monolith. And I am not a researcher. All i am is grateful to find it in myself to say "I love you" often to those I love.. whether the moments are big or small.. i mean it when i say it and it always leaves me and those i love with warmth and reassurance.

[@fishfish8879]

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” ― Anais Nin

[@poelogan]

This was really informative. Thank you.

[@nolf_flon7686]

Hey Aini! I always love your videos and how well researched they are, and how you balance your anecdotal experiences with intimate and in-depth research and routinely challenge western-centric perspectives on these topics :). I think the concept of communicating verbally weighing more in Western societies also has a similar, opposite instance in the same way you bring up the acts of service with no vocalization of ‘I love you’ sometimes causing emotional stress or anxiety because without the vocalization, it may not seem genuine. Western society has the inverse where often the big, solemn declaration of person a is often supposed to be perceived as the genuine, truthful emotion towards person b, even if person a’s actions and sometimes even words have been harmful (see love declarations in romcoms). Acts of service can also be construed as very intimate or powerful in the same way saying ‘I love you’ in a native tongue would be as well, where a big grandiose gesture is meant to undo or rewrite a lack of vocalization, even if the grand gesture has no real impact on the actual relationship (the rushing to the airport scene which is very emotional but also does nothing to address any problems or concerns in the relationship, or the parent agreeing to let their kid compete in something just once and finally acknowledging their autonomy) Anyway great video🎉❤ :)

[@fishfish8879]

“I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living.” ― Dr. Seuss

[@Homer-OJ-Simpson]

I’m Mexican American and my ex wife is from China (moved to US in her 20’s). This was something I noticed with the differences between our families. Her family (Chinese) had the approach that actions are what proves love. My family (Mexican) showed love with BOTH actions and words. It seems among Latino communities, actions are not enough but in East Asian families, actions mean everything and words aren’t needed

[@fishfish8879]

“Seldom, very seldom, does complete truth belong to any human disclosure; seldom can it happen that something is not a little disguised or a little mistaken.” ― Jane Austen, Emma

[@fishfish8879]

“The main condition for the achievement of love is the overcoming of one's narcissism. The narcissistic orientation is one in which one experiences as real only that which exists within oneself, while the phenomena in the outside world have no reality in themselves, but are experienced only from the viewpoint of their being useful or dangerous to one. The opposite pole to narcissism is objectivity; it is the faculty to see other people and things as they are, objectively, and to be able to separate this objective picture from a picture which is formed by one's desires and fears.” ― Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving

[@paigeh98341]

This was fascinating! I first started understanding these differences when I watched the Hawaii season of terrace house. It’s so interesting to watch because of the differences in communication styles between the Japanese participants and the American ones

[@fishfish8879]

“Which is when I decided I would never love anyone again because you just felt like an idiot when you put love out there and it didn't come back your way.” ― Karen Tayleur, Love Notes From Vinegar House

[@williamscsharpwalkthroughs4316]

Quality over quantity from another Aini drop. Thanks for the upload, I found this topic very insightful!

[@Star_Steyrnoch]

Indeed!

[@fishfish8879]

“She holds herself with such reserve. She smiles, but the smile doesn't reach her eyes, even in the company of the girls she's chosen to eat with. Why? I have no clue, and I really don't want to spend my time worrying about it. But my brain pushes at the question anyway. Why are people aloof? Because they don't want to let others in. Why don't they want to let others in? Well, sometimes because they're shy, and sometimes because they're convinced of their own superiority. But those aren't the only reasons. Sometimes it's because thay have something to hide.” ― Lauren Myracle, Bliss

[@fishfish8879]

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” ― Marilyn Monroe

[@fishfish8879]

“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.” ― Dr. Seuss

[@twa9342]

Go Aini!

[@fishfish8879]

“They will call you immoral if you dare to describe their immorality” ― Bangambiki Habyarimana, The Great Pearl of Wisdom