Why Avoidant Men Don't Get Better in Therapy

[@AttachmentAdam]

The HOW TO LOVE AN AVOIDANT MAN video course is now available! If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love, and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now and write a happy ending to your love story! adamlanesmith.com/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/

[@lep1976]

I know you are selling a product, but can it help in an LDR?

[@zimzob]

@@lep1976 a long distance relationship? He’s avoidance maxxing

[@2013december]

I like to get in the course but how do I tell my partner about this in a successful way that he’ll join me?

[@robina.disotell5683]

@AttachmentAdam Hi, my 17yrs old grandson is showing so many of these these traits. (Son of a single fairly high spectrum Narcissistic Mother-we're no contact). I myself was raised by a Narcissistic mother and so relate to his struggles. I'm truly secure for over a decade and want to guide him through this journey. Could you please make a video for (grand)-parents, who wish to spare them unnecessary disappointments and give relief. I know from my healing, how much one can love life freely afterwards. I just know from binging your channel that he CAN have a fulfilled life. What can a grandmother 7,000+ miles away do to support his growth?

[@marigi2013]

I’m an avoidant man, no skills in the relationship department, just listening here trying to be closer to my family

[@AttachmentAdam]

Has this been helpful? Feel free to reach out to me if you ever need support or help.

[@jameseversole6118]

Psychedelics-Assisted Therapy, my man. Real talk.

[@marigi2013]

@@jameseversole6118 honestly been looking into micro-dosing mushrooms lately. Lmk if you have any experience you’d want to share

[@marigi2013]

@@AttachmentAdam thoughts on micro-dosing?

[@trailingupwards]

Just be you. If you are avoidant, you are intelligent. Don't let other folks try and bring you down to their level.

[@jtcharland]

Anyone else here an avoidant man trying to learn how not to be? 🙋🏼‍♂️

[@ElimEx1]

I feel attacked by the video lol

[@ElimEx1]

The only thing that has helped me tbh is dialectic behavioral therapy. I went there with my teenage daughter and was shocked when I learned that there was more than 4-5 emotions and that things like anger were not the actual emotion but rather there's an entire ocean of things that lead to anger. There's some good books on the topic. You should check it out!

[@Macheako]

What are you avoiding?

[@jtcharland]

@@ElimEx1 yea I don’t know what will help me yet, I just discovered this about myself a few weeks ago.

[@jtcharland]

@@Macheako communicating feelings and conflict. Also getting too close. I’ve recognized that for my whole life, I’ve kept people at an arms length.

[@matthewnorris203]

As a man who deals with avoidance, your videos, Adam, have helped me keep my head above water in the last 6 weeks. Thank you 🙏

[@cliffhamrickwrites2378]

I'm a counselor in private practice (and an avoidant man), I agree with your summation. One of the problems with modern therapy is that it has become very feminized. Too many counselors are women who only think about the world through the eyes of a woman, and believe (partly because that's what they were taught) that most men are just a failed woman. What the man needs to do is think, act, and (most importantly) feel like a woman in order to be happy. This is why so many men feel like 'therapy isn't for them', because they're right. If we want men to get better and be happier, then we need to meet them where they are. And I think a lot of your suggestions will get us there.

[@WhiskyGravy]

Good point

[@jaytan915]

That would be funny if it wasn't also very sad

[@SC-sh6ux]

I went to a male therapist to get help with the verbal abuse I was getting from my DA. The therapist said, I’d rather work directly with your DA on this. He has been seeing this therapist for almost a decade. I think it has done him a lot of good, especially because he doesn’t have a lot of other people (particularly men) to talk to. This video was interesting, but sounded like an infomercial.

[@joannegild8001]

My avoidant guy has such a deep-seated trauma, totally unconscious to him, that it would take years of psychoanalysis to get at it. (I’ve been psychoanalyzed and it saved my life, and I can understand this stuff I believe.) Stay calm, Nurture him, assure him that he is loved, and he responds well.

[@joannegild8001]

Correct! Therapy should not be pushed on him! Anxious? Feel unloved? Work on yourself! (I did and I no longer worry.)

[@natyboox3]

Agree with the infomercial take…

[@nemishasharma5737]

What's DA?

[@SC-sh6ux]

@@nemishasharma5737 Dismissive Avoidant

[@tessabellarini]

God bless you for being the only teacher on this subject who doesn’t condemn avoidant men ❤

[@AttachmentAdam]

It honestly breaks my heart how the majority of avoidant men are demonized for what a minority of hurtful individuals are doing. Most avoidant men are trying their hardest not to be hurt but also not to hurt anyone else.

[@jimpanse1638]

@@AttachmentAdam Im a VERY avoidant person to the point i never had anything that could even be remotely called a relationship and im 27. And i partly dont agree with what you are saying about us not understanding the "need of being loved" of a partner. I still feel that i think and i think i get that need. Im a very sensible and have a lot of characteristics that people would rather call "female character traits" but im also pretty hardcore in other areas such as sports (compared to most people. When i see them running for example i feel ashamed for them they are such pussies) I feel like i have relocated all of my manly traits into an area nobody can see them so im not getting noticed too much. Most people want to have a vast network and get noticed by people but im just so uncomfortable around people and i have MAHUSSIVE distrust in government officials, for me they all are tiny dictators competing for as much control and opportunity to be corrupt. The way society is structured is just the people begging to get enslaved eternally...

[@jimpanse1638]

@@SuzieNewzie Are you commenting on me? If so i agree and im working on it but i somewhat think that no girl would want me. Im working on myself but i dont think i could ever be good enough to deserve a person devoting their life to me. Thats just not happening ever.

[@mashaelal-misned]

How about you recognise the countless attachment style experts like Dr. Dianne Pool Heller, Dr. Stan Tatkin, Thais Gibson of The personal development school and her “integrated attachment styles”. Dr. Dan Siegal, Dr. Peter Levine… Dr. Gabor Mate; top world experts to name a few! All so incredibly humble, self aware, sincere genuine and open about their own journeys. Not one of the proclaims to be the “attachment specialist” and other therapists don’t know about attachment styles - it’s the most widely accepted psychological framework. There is some good content but the cheesy creepy sales approach is just sickening 🤢

[@Foxie770]

@@jimpanse1638you absolutely are worthy of love. As a human created in God’s image you are loved and worthy of a wife. The challenges you face are a calling to transcend your current limitations so that you can become the man that your future wife needs and deserves. You are young and are on a great path listening to Adam. Highly recommend you work with him if you can. You’ll never regret doing the work to become a better man. And your future wife and children will thank you for it! These behaviors can be fixed fast once you’ve seen through them.

[@pamelasimmons1689]

I feel like avoidant men and narcissistic men are so closely related that its hard to separate the two out. Not being ugly, its just been very hard to figure out which my husband is.

[@dgtv71]

Does he seek unearned praise, admiration, and credit ? This is at the core of a narcissist.

[@pamelasimmons1689]

@dgtv71 No, he never does. That makes me feel better.

[@joannegild8001]

I love an avoidant man, and he loves me. I have not tried to change him; I have changed myself to adapt t having a different kind of intimacy. I like your video very much. You point out that they are kind, giving, helpful, (and charming.). He is critical, and I put my hands on my hips and make a joke out of it, and he laughs. (Constructive criticism is still criticism.) After almost 3 years, he seems to have lost the fear of saying “I love you.”

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's wonderful that you've found a way to create a loving relationship with an avoidant partner! It sounds like you've taken a mature approach by adapting to a different kind of intimacy and focusing on his positive qualities. Are there any areas of the relationship you'd like to improve?

[@sadiqua7]

I grew up with 2 psychologists and was constantly forced to talk about feelings, forced to go to therapy, and to this day am constantly scrutinized and told how I respond to people, dress, etc is wrong. I completely understand the avoidant mindset and am in therapy and starting to push back at the critical nature of my mother. Most recently this week we had an incident where she screamed at me irrationally and because of therapy I contacted her the next day to try to explain why I felt unsafe. Her response was to add on more criticism and blame shift. I don’t know my ex’s triggers but I completely get his way of thinking, he’s more extreme and has shut down and refuses to even communicate with me. I’m not worried about rekindling anything with him as he is not in the space to shift his mindset and meet me halfway. Instead he stonewalls and triggers my abandonment wounds and feeling of not being good enough which then makes me want to flee from him. A partner that can work with me to navigate the communication mindfield is the person I can build with.

[@aspegel5281]

Yep, that feeling of being unsafe is felt throughout your body and it switches us into flight/fight mode. In the moment, you don't realize why you want to run, but I later realized it was tied to feeling unsafe. Avoidant men are really good at making us feel unsafe. I know for FAs, it dooms the relationship, because safety is an actual core need.

[@georgesonm1774]

Yeah I fully understand this mindset, too. I barely had any life on my own (or a sense of self) because of how absolutely controlling my parents were, up until I finished uni. I tried to fight it, they either threatened me with no financial support (which I could not picture living without) or gaslit me saying that it's normal parental love. They didn't mean wrong, but... It's hard to trust anyone, or my own life, nowadays. On the other side - it gets pretty lonely, a lot. I don't know if other avoidants acknowledge this feeling, but I make a point of not hiding anything from my own self

[@wf4983]

Yep! You gave a very good picture of how a fearful avoident is made. As a result we understand avoident men very well - it's clear to us why they prefer their space and why they rely on themselves. We do it the same. And then, we need our feelings to be seen and heard and validated and attuned to desperately - and that is something they can't do. And that's the big issue between DA and FA.

[@WalksfortheSoul77]

Your mother may be a narcissist. I don't know enough to say for sure obviously, but there are quite a few narcissists in psychology field to say the least. They like that they can control and manipulate vulnerable people by becoming the "expert". That being said I love the field of psychology and therapy in general, but it attracts some of the wrong people. That's why we have to shop for good therapist. Unfortunately we don't shop for family members lol.

[@zimzob]

Oof the double whammy, that’s rough

[@sallyenglish5929]

I am avoidant and I’m a 30yo woman. This video was hard to listen to because it hit so close to home. I am married to a man who is securely attached and I am trying to fix myself before I drive him away for good. Thank you for your help, Adam.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hey there, don’t give up! If your partner is really secure, one of the best things you can do is open up and let them know about the struggle you’re facing and how much you want to fix it. The context really can mean everything. Remember that I have a new course about avoidant attachment that you could watch together that would help, and I also do couples coaching. If you need any assistance, don’t hesitate to reach out, I am here to help.

[@humorinheels1098]

@@AttachmentAdam Do you have videos about how to lower risk for an avoidant partner (specifically building trust and discussing short & long term compatibility so that they feel more safe/better analyze the 'risk' in your relationship)? Or would that be in your course?

[@hspinnovators5516]

@@humorinheels1098 the course tackles that immediately in the first part then develops deeper into higher skill sets later on to filter out any manipulative Avoidants from the ethical ones then gets you closer and closer to being on the same page together and building a system together. It's a system that brings relief to the partner and also calm to the Avoidant and clarity either way. Definitely worth it

[@aaronmcclain1279]

I'm a 36 man and DA. I pushed a great woman away and I have been on a journey to be better. Started back to therapy I'm going to share this with my therapist . This video is hard to watch .

[@hdw237]

Don't worry. Us securely attached ppl will always be stuck doing all the hard work in the relationship. You avoidants can happily go along doing nothing and punishing us by cheating whenever we don't make you happy. It's what avoidants do.

[@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life]

Honestly, avoidant men are my favorite to date. One thing people need to remember is you can't go into this relationship expecting you out of them. You also can't expect others to fix the anxiety that lives inside of you being triggered do to unresolved trauma. You have to dig deep and figure out what that is. Let avoidants be who they are. If they're not the right person for you then that's okay too.

[@hspinnovators5516]

What did you discover going deep inside? For me, it's the pain that my love won't matter in the world due to everyone being traumatized

[@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life]

@@hspinnovators5516 I discovered so much. I guess one key thing is I am now able to do is identify a trigger in the moment and not associate it with the person I feel triggered by. I stop and think and ask a question if I need to, but I don't internalize it. I also learned not to personalize other peoples actions and words so much. I learned to fill my own cup before filling others. Also, I learned that it's okay to let people go if it doesn't feel right, sooner than later. I can honestly go on all day. I understand what you mean when you say that. It's almost too much on the heart to keep putting ourselves out there. I don't really date so I don't feel like I'm missing out, but it's def a risk.

[@cortneyozment7825]

Mine too

[@SaystheTruth3]

Lol sounds like too much friggin work 😂

[@plutonian_aquarius]

@@SaystheTruth3well this is why most of these relationships fail 🤷🏻‍♀️😅 because they think “it’s too much friggin work.” Have to agree to an extent, it IS a lot of work 🥵😂

[@MrDanno2]

4:17 you can only be ignored or told to shut up and go away so many times before you start "adapting".

[@commenter5469]

For me it only take one time.

[@fremmer007]

For me, therapy works when I've backed my way into a corner and don't see a way out. He gave me tools to decompress fear and stress and to realize I wasn't powerless.

[@trailingupwards]

But you are powerless.

[@fremmer007]

@@trailingupwards I'm powerless to other ppls thoughts and actions but not to my own.

[@jessicatovar2641]

I'm a 46 year old woman. When you started to talk about "survival mode" and going to war and having that mentality. This resonated so much with me! Relationships, lack of fulfillment, and loneliness are the three things that I have had a lot of frustration with. The biggest conflict I have with my own teenage daughter is that she constantly feels and while I love her (of course), I have a lot of trouble understanding "her feelings" all the time. But this is true, I myself, as a woman have understood the concept of being in survival mode my whole life.

[@Ninishiningleaf]

God blessed me with an avoidant to teach me emotionally aloofness because I was way too intense as an anxious clingy attached. Now that I've grown and become emotionally stable, I'm now believing in true intimacy with an emotionally balance man. God willing. Look I've given it my all and dragged him along. Huge effort. I've aged. I'm tired. I now want to be nurtured and loved like I love.

[@TodaysAudrey]

1 billion percent. 23 years of marriage to this man who cannot see me beyond the needs of his that I meet. I was happy to be ignored because I firmly believed I was garbage and I was so glad he couldn't see me. But all my masks are tired and wearing off and I don't see a way out. He believes he is perfect (and I guess I have enabled this). He will be surprised when I finally give in to suicide.

[@pamelasimmons1689]

I would agree with this in a sense. As much as my avoid husband triggers me, he definitely has taught me that not every emotion is really how I feel, some are just hormonal and feel so huge but will pass and don't require a reaction out of me. He us at least very predictable and level in his emotion (or lack of). I guess I'm curious, do you think your spouse after all this time can meet you where you are and love you like you want? I always wonder if I can keep chugging along if he'll one day reach a point that he's willing to be more lovey dovey and affectionate.

[@nickst0ne]

Shockingly accurate description of me. Almost 100%. Discovered that humans are driven by emotions when I was 38. And I still think these emotions are largely animalistic when the cognitive and rational process of the brain are of a "higher" nature, making the substance of what we admire (or ought to) about humans. At some point I believed I had autism but the diagnosis came back with "social anxiety", probably related to a sum of bad cards I was dealt earlier on and which kept paying negative dividends and adding up to the pile ever since. I know it's not normal and survival adaptation. And I wish I could connect more, so as to build friendships, but trying little by little (small steps) is not giving very fast progress. Anyways, thanks for your work Adam.

[@mbrsart]

This is _such_ an important thing to understand. One of the fundamental principles of medicine is that a provider needs to give their patients treatment that is appropriate for their circumstances. You wouldn't prescribe penicillin for a patient who is allergic to it. You wouldn't administer a pregnancy test to a person who has never had a uterus or a prostate exam to a person who has never had a prostate. And to do so would be a breach of medical ethics. Yet in the mental health field there has been a growing push to say that we are all the same, and that any differences in appropriateness of treatment have nothing to do with whether the patient is a man or a woman. It has created a sentiment almost akin to "The way women tend to think, heal, and relate to their own emotions is the 'correct' way, and if a man is any different, that means he's not properly socialized." This attitude is immensely harmful to men, and the more compassion, understanding, and specialization the field supports for men's unique challenges, the better things will be for everyone in the long run.

[@termitreter6545]

From what I can tell, the standard CBT (therapy) is the right thing for avoidant men, though focussing too much on talk might be an issue. The problem here seems more about men that cannot accept standard therapy due to their disorder? I dont feels like this has even much to do with men or women; if a women instantly closes up and cant talk to a therapist, thats not gonna help either. Gotta be able to accept the treatment. Idk if theres really a way around this.

[@WhiskyGravy]

@@mbrsart good point

[@mylesleggette7520]

Your attempt to use pregnancy tests and prostate exams as examples is HILARIOUS, considering that emerging medical practice guidelines are to do exactly that, for the sake of certain political agendas. Your assessment of the attitude causing these problems is spot-on, but our society is more interested in obliterating sex differences than learning to accept and understand them.

[@brentsmith5604]

Just discovered your videos. These are incredible. Ive always used the reference of percieved roles. Other people get to be needy... While they label me with the role of agency. Therapy or people that try to change me are just sticking with the roles of me needing to do things for them. What I dont think people realise is that life continually reinforces our attachment style. There is generally no positive reinforcement when we step outside our "role.".... So we are continually pushed back. If we arent reliable and stoic... People react instantly and negatively because we already have that role. If we dont open up we are told we are the problem. What is conpletely missing from ang path is any recognition of our reality and any positive reinforcement. At the end of the day.... We are still expected to satisfy you.

[@FritoPendejo684]

Indeed. Attachment styles do not develop in a social vacuum. To the contrary, I am who I am precisely because of my earliest social experiences, which were then, as you mention, reinforced as I found my role within the societal structure of our culture. Further, it is only because of the incredible amount of security provided us by the current Western culture that we are now being told that DA is a pathology that needs to be fixed. For all of human history up until 150 years ago, I would wager that the DA type (with its wariness of others and tendency towards more stoic means of problem solving) was more a boon for the evolutionary development of our species, than was it a detriment. While I do seek counseling to remedy certain secondary "issues" that stem from my DA nature, I often find myself wondering why it is that the DA is expected to change himself needs to meet the needs of others? Is it simply a product of "normal" usually being synonymous with "majority?" I don't disagree that any behavior taken to extreme can be problematic. But I am who I am for good reason.

[@FritoPendejo684]

Indeed. Attachment styles do not develop in a social vacuum. To the contrary, I am who I am precisely because of my earliest social experiences, which were then, as you mention, reinforced as I found my role within the societal structure of our culture. Further, it is only because of the incredible amount of security provided us by the current Western culture that we are now being told that DA is a pathology that needs to be fixed. For all of human history up until 150 years ago, I would wager that the DA type (with its wariness of others and tendency towards more stoic means of problem solving) was more a boon for the evolutionary development of our species, than was it a detriment. While I do seek counseling to remedy certain secondary "issues" that stem from my DA nature, I often find myself wondering why it is that the DA is expected to change himself needs to meet the needs of others? Is it simply a product of "normal" usually being synonymous with "majority?" I don't disagree that any behavior taken to extreme can be problematic. But I am who I am for good reason.

[@FritoPendejo684]

Indeed. Attachment styles do not develop in a social vacuum. To the contrary, I am who I am precisely because of my earliest social experiences, which were then, as you mention, reinforced as I found my role within the societal structure of our culture. Further, it is only because of the incredible amount of security provided us by the current Western culture that we are now being told that DA is a pathology that needs to be fixed. For all of human history up until 150 years ago, I would wager that the DA type (with its wariness of others and tendency towards more stoic means of problem solving) was more a boon for the evolutionary development of our species, than was it a detriment. While I do seek counseling to remedy certain secondary "issues" that stem from my DA nature, I often find myself wondering why it is that the DA is expected to change himself needs to meet the needs of others? Is it simply a product of "normal" usually being synonymous with "majority?" I don't disagree that any behavior taken to extreme can be problematic. But I am who I am for good reason.

[@FritoPendejo684]

Indeed. Attachment styles do not develop in a social vacuum. To the contrary, I am who I am precisely because of my earliest social experiences, which were then, as you mention, reinforced as I found my role within the societal structure of our culture. Further, it is only because of the incredible amount of security provided us by the current Western culture that we are now being told that DA is a pathology that needs to be fixed. For all of human history up until 150 years ago, I would wager that the DA type (with its wariness of others and tendency towards more stoic means of problem solving) was more a boon for the evolutionary development of our species, than was it a detriment. While I do seek counseling to remedy certain secondary "issues" that stem from my DA nature, I often find myself wondering why it is that the DA is expected to change himself to meet the needs of others? Is it simply a product of "normal" usually being synonymous with "majority?" I don't disagree that any behavior taken to extreme can be problematic. But I am who I am for good reason.

[@FritoPendejo684]

Indeed. Attachment styles do not develop in a social vacuum. To the contrary, I am who I am precisely because of my earliest social experiences, which were then, as you mention, reinforced as I found my role within the societal structure of our culture. Further, it is only because of the incredible amount of security provided us by the current Western culture that we are now being told that DA is a pathology that needs to be fixed. For all of human history up until 150 years ago, I would wager that the DA type (with its wariness of others and tendency towards more stoic means of problem solving) was more a boon for the evolutionary development of our species, than was it a detriment. While I do seek counseling to remedy certain secondary "issues" that stem from my DA nature, I often find myself wondering why it is that the DA is expected to change himself to meet the needs of others? Is it simply a product of "normal" usually being synonymous with "majority?" I don't disagree that any behavior taken to extreme can be problematic. But I am who I am for good reason.

[@smbritton1]

A DA guy here. I think of myself as a DA outlier; I seek help in a pinch. I had to leave a therapist when the HMO ended long-term therapy. He helped me a great deal. This was before I knew anything about attachment styles. In the last session, I mentioned seeking a new therapist. My current therapist had someone in mind (whom I am still seeing.) That the therapist had a recommendation surprised me, which in turn surprised the therapist, who wondered if I realized he cared about me and asked what was going on. I replied that it was a carryover from the personal problems that brought me into therapy in the 1st place. I understand now my attitude was classic internalized DA: "No one cares about me." I felt cut loose to fend for myself, though this was not the reality. It's ok. I have fared well, but it is interesting to me the therapist did not see the attachment style issue.

[@ghostbearr1]

I believe that the statement that some DA people have is "No cares about my emotions, and I deserve nothing." With that statement in mind, it may help you realize how their mind is working.

[@goddessaset]

Yeah, there's trauma there. So that makes sense!

[@Kaapalkeens]

>500$ course >I guess being alone is the way to go, thanks Adam

[@beckys9097]

same same.

[@Unbothered_Boz]

Thank u soo much for this Content! Its refreshing because most content i run across tells me to leave my avoidant “ if he loves he wouldnt do Blah blah blah” but he is one of my best friends and has such a good heart. I been able to witness where his struggles come from .. these tips are soo needed

[@nannuky1128]

hey Adam, would you consider making a longer episode such as this one about the disorganized attachment style? I feel like we're so often overlooked and there aren't enough resources for us out there :(

[@Alexander_Rice]

This is a very provocative topic, one I can never be completely subjective toward. Studying modern psychology has given me more insight about myself than years of group and personal therapies. Internal family systems has allowed me to make several breakthroughs in a very short time frame. At almost 50years old, these revelations have been profound.

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's great to hear that you're continuously learning and gaining clarity. What specific breakthroughs have been most impactful for you in understanding yourself?

[@saharalove418]

This was some great insight and gave me a different perspective of therapy through the eyes of someone who would have an avoidant attatchment. I love therapy and always belived everyone could benefit from it! But its so true the right treatment modalities make all the difference! The most recent therapist I had (group therapy) explained how he gathered his favorite parts of other programs and treatment plans he had ran in his many years of working with different individuals and put all of them into the program he was currently running and nothing has connected with me harder. Until I found out what attachment behaviors were, I wasn't effectively able to understand and communicate with my avoidant partner in a way he understood. His behaviors were completely incomprehensible to me and once I understood, I was able to take a step back and approach different areas in different ways so we were both able to not only get our words heard but understood on both ends too. But it's a two way street and one sided relationships aren't sustainable..

[@schligges]

please share what has worked...I am struggling to communicate with my avoidant.

[@PatrickOchoa8a]

I relate to a lot of this video, except for my relationship with therapy. Everyone is different obviously but even though I'm avoiding and I intellectuallize my feelings I still want to go through therapy to break past the barriers in my marriage. Just wanted to share in case anyone else is the same.

[@liltriqq]

I’m loving your videos, I don’t even have a man to really fix atm but I might buy the course bc I love how interesting this is

[@olebear]

It feels as if YOU'RE LITERALLY YELLING AT MY SOUL. I feel as though you've come across my timeline in perfect timing. Thank you for being so astute and understanding.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad to hear that the content resonated with you at the right time. What specific challenges or areas are you currently focusing on?

[@akashamedia671]

Bravo, one of the best if not the best information on avoidant men and how to understand and relate with them. Everything you said is so true especially regarding high functioning executives, vet. I Was feeling really lost being in a relationship with a high functioning pilot commander, he was the most loving and kind man but like everything you have mentioned he was always in survival mode and I could not articulate what exactly I was dealing with until this video which makes complete sense. Sadly I was so triggered due to my own insecure attachment which I had to work on and was pushing him away while desperately grasping for the closeness I needed and want and was doing everything wrong to get it. I learned so much from the relationship regarding my own healing and avoidant attachment and this has been some of the most helpful information, thank you.

[@robins3672]

Early on when I tried to have a conversation about each of us getting our needs met in the relationship, his answer was each person is responsible for meeting their own needs.

[@hspinnovators5516]

They don't know what they don't know. That's a common deactivation justification.

[@SaystheTruth3]

It's true! Never depend on someone else to make you happy.

[@georgesonm1774]

Well that depends on the context; some people want you to regulate their emotions because they can't do it alone; spend all the time together, do everything together, and get extremely jealous/anxious/controlling when you take even a couple hours break and go do stuff on your own. I say no to this kind of relationship :)

[@jameseversole6118]

@@hspinnovators5516 Calling it a "justification" is an indication it's not a legitimate worldview. Do you think that's helpful? If this worldview has kept them alive their entire adult life, if they see it as not only beneficial but necessary, is calling it something that needs to be justified a good way to go?

[@aaabbb8812]

Well then, they need to go on alone because, by their logic, there is no need or desire for another person around. People like that need to just be left alone. I mean if a guy is saying in essence that he has no needs, that includes friendship, in which case, why is he talking to you? Why isn't he minding.his own business?

[@magicisreal111]

You’re a genius. Thank you for this discussion of therapy for an avoidant. He actually said he loves going to therapy but I suggested twelve step since that’s how I healed from my own disorganized attachment and he said he can’t do it because he can’t handle the stress and anxiety of vulnerability with others. Which is the whole problem.

[@AttachmentAdam]

The fact that your partner is open to therapy and working on himself is a positive sign. Have you considered couples therapy or coaching? 12-step programs often emphasize sharing personal struggles with a group, which can be triggering for avoidants who struggle with vulnerability.

[@magicisreal111]

@@AttachmentAdam thank you. You’re exactly right. Since it’s a situationship and he says he doesn’t feel that way about me, we aren’t an actual couple, just friends for 15 years who happen to be wildly attracted to each other and have been acting like a couple for three years. I pray he’ll be led to you, independent of me!

[@MsLadyhorse]

I love this. You are so SPOT ON, it's scary. You're saying my own thoughts on EVERY POINT. Difference being-you have a method, and I'm lost in the puzzle of WTF!? just happened? Edit to add: My avoidant is a US Marine (from 88 to 96-Desert Storm), so on top of avoidant since childhood, he actually TRAINED and learned to do this, but now he can't seem to change that.

[@MsLadyhorse]

@@hspinnovators5516 I'm so grateful to have found this channel. Maybe I can finally understand and redirect that initial "Wait, Huh?" momentary reaction on my part when he loses me in what should be a conversation. I just need to watch MORE of Adam's videos, since I just found his stuff yesterday.

[@tooblessedtobestressed1771]

I remember listening to Dr John Gray say adamantly that most men do not benefit from therapy.

[@MaddesG1]

Therapy is a good start for learning coping mechanisms at their base. Like remembering to take a breather and think the issues through a filtered lense.

[@commenter5469]

Yeah!!! It’s aggravating us as heck! The only why one might actually go with it - because his partner wants it, and he values his partner a lot. But being avoidant - he’ll just shut up and suffer through it.

[@goddessaset]

I think we're forgetting the traumatized people. And a lot of avoidant people are also actually traumatized.

[@Yodad12xx]

I used to be avoidant/ covert avoidant due trauma and I’m here to tell you guys that is possible to heal, enjoy life and good relationships with those around you and be who you are without the burden of the trauma and pain, much love and don’t forget you are a great human being!!!

[@AttachmentAdam]

That's an incredibly inspiring message! Your experience can give hope to others struggling with similar challenges. What aspects of your life have improved the most since healing?

[@jennajewert]

I really appreciate this. As an LCSW who has practiced for several years now, I think it's important to be more transparent in the therapy profession about limitations. You're right, most clinicians have limited training and there's an overwhelming amount of modalities, information and techniques to learn about. Not every clinician has the training or experience to help all clients with every type of problem. I'm thinking more about the need to specialize so I can help more people who have specific types of issues I know I'm good at helping with. There is no magic cure but the right type of therapy with the right type of client paired with the right therapist can be highly effective.

[@dvegas]

Professionally, I encounter these type of high performing avoidant men. They actually tend to be many of my clients. I do struggle with them making decisions, though. That’s where I have the issues with work. Personally, I tend to get the more disorganized avoidant man. Who is a hard worker, but has had a lot of career and personal issues. Including trauma (sometimes a mental health diagnosis too). I wonder how many of us are actually dealing with disorganized? Yeah they have some avoidance, but it’s mixed in with chaos. The high performing avoidants you’re discussing are generally pretty straightforward. They aren’t really chaotic. They tend to be organized and structured, but I do notice the stress level you mention. They can seem neurotic at times when they are over analyzing.

[@dvegas]

@@hspinnovators5516 Agreed. Chaotic with good intentions, plus financial and personal issues added to the mix. The people Adam is referring to have 800 credit scores and are very stable. That’s a different type of person. When we are searching for answers, we come across avoidant looking at the deactivation. But I think the real key is if they are chaotic or not (including personal life and finances). That leans more into disorganized (mix of avoidant and anxious).

[@SandraWade666]

My most recent ex was fearful avoidant (disorganized). Your description sounds a lot like him

[@aurakl2407]

What area of work are you in? Because what you are saying is not making a lot of sense and I’m concerned for your clients. You do know disorganized attachment is not literally a disorganized “chaotic” person right? It’s also called anxious avoidant so they are a combination of both and that’s why some people call it disorganized attachment style. Any way, you might want to research this a little more in depth before applying it to said clients. Disorganized/disoriented attachment style, also referred to as fearful-avoidant attachment style, stems from intense fear, often as a result of childhood trauma, neglect, or abuse. Adults with this style of insecure attachment tend to feel they don’t deserve love or closeness in a relationship…Any one of the attachment styles could be organized or chaotic even a secure attachment person could have some chaos in their life…

[@dvegas]

@@aurakl2407 The disorganized people I ONLY encounter in my personal life. Not professional. And when I reference chaos, I mean they are not reliable, one day they are available next day they are not. Words don’t match actions. I can’t track what they are going to say or do as they often don’t even show up to our planned appointments. They on the surface don’t appear crazy or whatever word might be applicable for chaos. They are basically unsettled. Don’t make any sense. And yes they have had trauma also. They tell me these things and we often relate because I have too. So I allow them in my life because I feel we have some of that in common and they are generally nice people. But they are so all over the place, I can’t sustain any type of relationship with them. And this is only personal. Never work. I work with executive level individuals and they are very stable, although sometimes the classic avoidant Adam discusses in the video.

[@aurakl2407]

@@dvegas ok thank you for sharing.

[@sergicrisan5564]

So seems I'm one of the avoidant men. I read comments and I behaved like such with my ex. I'm sorry and I'm working in being a better partner. I really want and need to. I'm 30 now.

[@SCnative64]

You're doing good bro. I'm 60 and just doing this. Never too late!

[@av2674]

Never too late. I didn't start until 36 after my father died and I could no longer avoid myself. Keep going.

[@onthemagenta]

I think most women’s frustration with avoidant men comes from their own inability to connect with them and understand what’s happening. It’s triggering to be shown your own faults. Women take pride in being able to connect emotionally. But most of them are only adept at connecting with other women. Avoidant men shine a glaring light on women’s incompetency in connecting with this type of person.

[@imtoosensitiveforaguy]

We also excel at shining a light on women often using their feelings to make decisions on issues feelings aren't equipped to handle. Feelings are great for intrapersonal issues and small scale interpersonal issues. Anything else, and especially large scale issues, feelings aren't able to assess properly and so give terrible advice to us. I do this and it's often seen by women as invalidating them and their opinions. That's not the intent at all but it clearly feels that way to them and I understand why. But it's actually because I understand the limitations of our emotions and what they can properly assess.

[@whatshappening3327]

There are way too many people telling women how emotional intelligence they are simply because they are emotional. Being emotional does not mean you are perceptive and good at reading people.

[@jaytan915]

A lot of insight there, thanks.

[@leiluu1]

Very interesting take. What's not considered though, is that the DA is very emotional and sensitive they more often than not also lack regulation and are incompetent at co-regulation (might not be an individual need, but is a general need for any type of interpersonal relationship to be maintained. Stonewalling out of fear or anger, even self-preservation, is an emotional response and on a deeper level a threat based defense mechanism (a behaviour linked to emotions). Interesting that it's not considered such however. Often only in the context of the FA or AA. The only difference is one displays fears overtly and one covertly. All insecurity attached individuals are emotional, make decisions based on how they feel as opposed to logic and dysregulated, some just don't acknowledge that as part of their worldview. For those who do, sometimes this leads to shame and for others they take the next steps to do the work, listen to comprehend or meet people half-way.

[@okasart]

Dating an avoidant man!!! You’re spot on sir. I love my responsibly puppy dog boyfriend!! He’s so cute and sweet he just is an avoidant. When we get in arguments it sucks so much but I just love him and he has such a pure soul and a good heart. Thank you for the video :)

[@AttachmentAdam]

It's great to hear that you found the video helpful. It's also wonderful to hear the way you talk about your avoidant man! What would help you become better at conflict resolution, and to work together as a team?

[@jordanwhite8718]

When I worked as a call taker on a warm line, the one thing I would always try and keep in mind is that when I’m talking to someone I need to meet them where they are not where I wish they would be. I think a lot of women have problems doing that when it comes to their partner. They have some image in their head about what their partner could be like if they would only try to be that way, and when the partner inevitably fails to be like that it seems to me that the woman feels like the partner doesn’t love her because he will not be that perfect man. I feel like when I’m dating a partner. I always just accept them for how they’re behaving as I’m around them. Sure maybe I’ll try to change something but in my experience, even trying to change a small thing usually leads to problems. Women like men don’t like being told what they’re doing is wrong and they’ll act completely irrationally if you try to point out why it’s wrong. at the end of the day, you just have to ask yourself can you deal with this person as they are right now? And if you can’t, you should just leave them early on. This is why I think my ideal woman is someone who doesn’t need me. That way she won’t get so attached and if she doesn’t like who I am, she can just walk. It’ll be a lot less painful that way.

[@theprimalswede]

Was in a relationship a few years ago, didnt work out. Went to therapy, talked about these things, avoidance etc, female therapist. Just remember how much I disliked those sessions. Feeling there was something ”wrong” with me. Good value 🙏

[@jimpanse1638]

14:40 "They have a world view challenge" - YES FCK YES THAT IS IT 100% Its a lone wolf behaviour adaptation that is making life exponentially harder and it will just get harder as the years go by and it can absolutely drain all your energy to the point you just want to off yourself. This is so fcking true, i allways avoided asking people for help and showing anything of myself that is not absolutely neccessary to have basic functioning...

[@jboyler1]

This is the truth. Even when someone offers help I can’t accept it because they’re just going to betray me and I can’t look weak. Anything you say can and WILL be used against you.

[@simonmeszaros2770]

ou yeah i hear this after so many years. i believed and tought to myself anything you say will be uses against you. I was like 15 to .. well till now. seems like it internalised. I was not able to do anything.. that times i was more vulnerable but in some situation and especially wen ibdo care about someone it starts to hurt me again. sad life. but i always kept standing and more so. but that energy and hope train i feel more than i did.. learning to live in present.

[@simonmeszaros2770]

i don mean to say train :) but drain. but train is better.

[@ShopNewGho]

@@jboyler1 why it is so important to utilize Adam's levels of trust, make sure all contracts are clear up front, and ask questions. I eventually re-learned this in experience that people would follow through, there was not hidden expectations, and people genuinely wanted to give without expectation. You can prove it to yourself

[@annpangburn394]

I love your content, learning a lot about my exboyfriend of 4 years. I didn’t know anything about avoidant attachment style but it sure fits him to a T. He is very kind, generous, nonviolent, beautiful man but then would draw away from real love it seems. He broke up with me suddenly, and I’m still distraught, 6 months later. I’ve been in therapy for this 6 months and what I hear from you is that I, yes me, have to continue to learn about him and do the work. I did the work for 4 years, I think he needs to show up now

[@2013december]

Gosh everything I’m hearing reflects this guy I just met two months ago. Thank you for your knowledge and sharing it here.

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're very welcome. Do you think this knowledge will affect your connection with him?

[@2013december]

I really don’t know.

[@clairmaasdorp7119]

This video is so informative, I can relate to all said by you Adam. I see all these signs in my current life situation with my wonderful husband. I have started practicing risk and solution talk and it helps. Keep on doing this, please heal the world......Great job Adam....

[@nannyboo9832]

My favorite KZbinr on the topic of avoidant psychology. Great content!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Wow, thanks! Glad you enjoy it ❤

[@bradapotamus]

Lets walk through this. You'll likely have a female therapist. Your girlfriend and her will get along great. Then they will triangulate, and everything will be your fault. This is like being invited to your own crucifixion.

[@sabi3052]

Well, maybe it is your fault. Stop being a victim. If you were perfect, why would your partner want you to get therapy.

[@bradapotamus]

@@sabi3052 yeah well maybe it takes 2 to tango?

[@Jralar86]

I actually had the opposite, had a male therapist, he focused mainly on me. Granted I had more behaviors that on the surface were more harmful, but it seemed like he was almost scared to engage with my partner about her behaviors

[@carlorizzo827]

​@Jralar86 That is super interesting. I had good experiences with therapists. I hate that being reserved gets a man labeled "stunted". Just one guy's opinion, women overrate their own emotional intelligence, implicit bias. It takes patience to be with a reserved person. And it's not exclusively male. I had an exceptionally reserved mother.

[@theparisend]

❤😂 👏👏👏

[@deanporter5882]

I don’t know where this comes from that therapy makes Avoidant worse. I found a therapist who specializes in trauma that is in the Avoidant spectrum. EMDR therapy, Bowen therapy massage and meditation has helped me to change my Avoidant behavior...connecting to my emotions. Understanding what self love means, learning how to truly love myself and learning how to ask for what I need to be loved. Learning how to grow my emotional awareness and becoming more attuned to what my emotions are saying so I can speak clearly on emotional challenges. Its a daily commitment to connect to my emotions. This has opened me up and given me a deeper well of emotional awareness.

[@jenniferh.7219]

I see your point however as an avoidant female who is self aware and been looking into materials for at least 7+ years not all of us run into therapists who are helpful. For me my last 2 years of therapy was not great but I can see how I am somewhat better or further along for it.

[@deanporter5882]

@jenniferh.7219 In truth, I did give a short synopsis of how I got to where I am now, it did take about 2 1/2 yrs of frustration (went through 7 therapists before finding the Avoidant specialist) so yes, there was a struggle and painful moments of 1 step forward 2 steps back in my behavioural patterns before finally feeling true regulation each day, week, month that's gone by. Not going going to sugar coat it. It does take work. Commitment.

[@termitreter6545]

Tbh yeah I dont get it either. Avoidance comes from false adaptions, and AFAIK the most common type of therapy is cognitive behavioral therapy, which is specifically about fixing bad adaptations you collected in your life and who currently inhibit your ability to function.

[@jrother]

I suppose I don't have a fully avoidant mentality but I think I do lean that way. Adam, when you were talking in the middle of the video about resenting attempted diagnoses by the women in our lives, I felt so seen and understood. My wife has attempted to give me so many interpretations and diagnoses. At first it was autism, next it was depression, then it was a combo of the two, now she's latched onto an 'irritable male syndrome' hypothesis. This whole time my main reaction is to tell her that I don't want to be diagnosed or 'understood' as if under a microscope but just to be treated as different than her and like a human rather than as a set of behavioral criteria. She's not there yet, but this video gives me a little bit of comfort that someone out there gets it. And second, when you talk about the resentment at being forced and controlled to go to talk therapy, oh boy, are you right. At this point, I am 90% going just because she thinks I have an anger problem and need to sort it out; even though my counselor says that the vast majority of our issues are not in me primarily but in the marriage collectively and how we related to one another.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Irritable male syndrome sounds like a scam diagnosis made up to appease women who don’t want to do the work of understanding their man. If you’d like some guidance in this area, I’d be happy to answer some questions. Shoot me an email at [e-mail]. For example, if she’s open to learning anything here, my avoidant man video course could be a good match, and I’d be glad to set you up with a special price to get you started.

[@krose318]

I asked for therapy, and he instantly said he's not interested in me. It honestly wasn't even for him. I have trauma and needed therapy guidance with him. I'm now focusing on myself and letting him go. If he heals, he heals, but therapy was never going to help. He looked at it as a punishment instead of what I needed to help with my PTSD

[@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life]

If I can offer my view? As a FA (anxious and avoidant), I found that issues that caused me anxiety in a relationship were my issues alone and not fair to put on him. Asking an avoidant to open up their emotions is like asking an anxious to turn theirs off. I understand what you mean because I once had the same thought process. Now that I've healed that part of me, I believe we need to dig deep and heal those triggers within us and not ask anyone to share responsibility. Aside from that, it sounds like you made the right move for yourself by trying to move on. ❤

[@krose318]

@SunshineAndSnowflakes I never put my trauma on him, I made it clear I didn't need a caretaker. Living with mental illness is difficult for everyone in the home. Is my ex avoidance, idk, I'm not him or a specialist to classify him. I do know I have anxious attachment, and I don't want to keep falling into the same trap or mistake. I do know a specialist was needed because he was told what my triggers were and kept doing it, i get trigger if I'm touched in the kitchen, why would he keep doing that?

[@claudiafrers8923]

@ krose He could be a sadist or the more probable answer is that he is incapable of respecting your boundaries and needs. This does not imply malice but a kind of disability which if you decide to tolerate could cost you your own feeling of self respect. If these behaviours could be controlled, then they would be cured right? Not that easy.

[@claudiafrers8923]

@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life. What a beautiful perspective. Wish I could give it more likes than one.

[@krose318]

@claudiafrers8923 Correct, I look for behavioral therapy. None of this humanistic crap, I have friends and community I can talk to. I could tell he had behavior issues as well. Could he be a sadist, maybe, but it seems more like a learn mechanism than a sadist thing. All I know is I often got the silent treatment, and that's has me down this attachment style videos

[@thecatsbackyard4833]

This is highly insightful. And I know just how complex this can be. Clearly can take on many different forms. It can be as individual as a fingerprint. The individual themselves must have helped but must overcome the issue themselves ultimately

[@Dayzzd]

For years men have been solely responsible for providing Financial Security. This reinforced the idea that ignoring emotions and dismissing them is useful at bringing home the bacon. The new era that we live in today, men do not have to fill this role anymore, leaving women to want more of an emotional connection with their partner, thus highlighting the avoidance in men today. The same traits can be seen in women but typically are less likely, due to women not having to really be the Breadwinners in the past making it useful for them to pay attention to their emotions. You want your avoidant partner to change? Tell them what you need in the relationship and if it does not happen you leave. You don't try to change someone. If the partners not willing to fully understand how they can be more useful in the relationship, then they obviously don't care enough to make that significant change. What you're talking about in this video definitely has some valid points, but tends to Pander to those who don't have a full understanding of emotional intelligence and why emotions are important especially when it comes to relationships.

[@Zenzy.2019]

I don't hear anything about inner work. Clearing trauma. In the Netherlands we have hypnosis therapy. Family constellation. Recession therapy. Which clears blokkage

[@mashaelal-misned]

Other trauma informed modalities like Somatic Experiencing, Compassionate Inquiry, Internal Family Systems, EMDR, Neurofeedback… Trauma informed is the game changer for all insecure attachment styles.

[@georgesonm1774]

Are there any confirmed instances of healing insecure attachment styles this way? I'm pretty interested in Somatic experiwncing

[@Zenzy.2019]

@@georgesonm1774 With me. I had a blockage in my system and wanted to know where that blockage came from? I also had neurofeedback after a car accident

[@chrisharris6462]

Thanks for the support

[@AttachmentAdam]

Happy to help. Appreciate your support too by being here!

[@mr220v]

This issue isn't diagnoseable. They act like they are in a harsh environment because they are in a harsh environment.

[@normanclatcher]

^bingo.

[@desert4seat]

😂 yup. This therapist is acting like it’s all just a delusion

[@msrae78]

My man just started therapy on his own. I told him I’m proud of him Was I wrong 🤦🏾‍♀️

[@hspinnovators5516]

If it's attachment therapy! Lol celebrate 🎉. Regardless he's taking ownership so that's a huge win

[@msrae78]

@@hspinnovators5516 lol I don’t know what therapy it is .. he told me last week he wanted to share what he had learned! I’m still waiting on that part Lmaoooo but we are getting somewhere!

[@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life]

@@msrae78 I love this for you AND him!

[@iluvitim]

he is taking ownership, be proud of him! at least he is seeking help!

[@jackdeniston6150]

Arrogant.

[@clemjoke7609]

People who believe anyone other than themselves should be forced into "therapy" (Re-education?) or "needs to be fixed" are the ones in need of therapy.

[@ShopNewGho]

unless its based on science and preventing their early death...which is more likely with avoidant attachment style-causing it in themselves, their children and partners (children of avoidants are more likely to committ suicide)

[@wateriswet02]

​@@ShopNewGho"It's for your safety and convenience, of course." "For the greater good, it must be done." Things usually said right before governments start violating people's rights and commiting crimes against humanity. Giving a few people that you do not know, never met, people that are usually in positions of authority that rarely get held accountable. The ability to take you away against your own free will and re-educate you on the "correct way" to behave is insane. Because their behavior may cause them harm and other around them? So are we gonna lock up anyone that does something potentially harmful to themselves now? How about re-educating phat people, huh? Their a danger to themselves and their spouse and kids? Don't wait and let them change on their own free will, no,no, take that away and force em to change. It's for the greater good, of course. Dear God, your the same kind of person that gave the government the ability to choose what's wrong or right. "If you're doing nothing wrong, what's the point?" Was thee exact argument that allowed the patriot act to be signed (a supposed temporary one). A policy that allowed the government to not only spy on us all but the ability to also determine if someone's behavior or a groups behavior was "terroristic" and thus a threat to the USA and needed to be taken down. Now speaking out against school boards on what their teaching your children is a "terroristic threat". Play COD or any FPS game? Terrorist.....don't like only fools models teaching your children, terrorist. Do you think men can't give birth???? Terrorist. You do not allow authoritive figures that you don't not know nor could ever hold accountable if they should abuse their power, the ability too determined if someone's behavior is wrong and thus harmful to them and justification to take them away. They will simply silence those that would oppose them in power. Same thing they did with mental asylums back in the early 1900's.

[@angeluva1234]

I gained so much understanding in this thoughtful, direct and intelligent video. I feel hopeful and positive after listening to this, and have much better awareness of myself and others. Thank you for this gem!

[@shippingdept5562]

great video. are you going to do a course on fearful avoidants?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Possibly! I already have a video course on avoidant attachment here: adamlanesmith.com/attachment-courses/how-to-love-an-avoidant-man/ if you'd like to check it out. What are you interested in learning about fearful-avoidants?

[@samanthamcgraw2675]

I commented on another video in this series, but I'm just like overwhelmed by how much ALL of this applies to me - as a woman. The only difference I can identify (from this video) is that I've initiated therapy and truly thought it would help my fiance and me. But it quickly became exactly what you're describing here. And I mean quickly.

[@Musicisthelanguageoflove]

This made me laugh. But also made me sad. It fits the person I have in mind well. It's too late for my situation, but I wish others a peaceful harmony way forward with the avoidant person who's special to them.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I hear you. It can be a little bittersweet when you understand certain patterns and the psychology behind attachment styles. Do you think this will help with your own future relationships?

[@TheBestOfLisaRenee]

I am so in love with this man and I absolutely do not want to lose him. I want to grow with him and overcome our challenges. 🙏🏼

[@hspinnovators5516]

Therapy in general is not how men heal. Men heal with other men, physical work etc, but so many men don't know that

[@AttachmentAdam]

Therapy as it exists today as a general concept is usually colored largely by the humanistic approaches which have become so popular. These are often useless for most men who are seeking clear and direct answers to urgent problems.

[@MayBlake_Channel]

As a woman, I also hate therapy. I fixed my own problems with the help of the internet and Audible

[@carlorizzo827]

I agree! I had good experiences with therapists, male only though. Who understand that men metabolize feelings differently, are authentic differently. Women overrate emotional intelligence, implicit bias. I'm pondering Doc Adam's assertion that mothers "train" kids to express feelings. Isn't it modeled in family patterns

[@if7363]

That's impossible. ​@@MayBlake_Channel

[@aaabbb8812]

​@@carlorizzo827 women will expect men to have emotional intelligence, otherwise there is NO communication. Men want to treat relationships like theor work. Men can't really love. Their whole biology is rooted in selfishness and self preservation, at the cost of anything and everyone else. They see everything as a n obstacle to their self interest. I am of the opinion that men don't really even belong indoors much. They are not as evolved as women and most of them would be content. To sleep on a bale of hay outside in a barn somewhere, as long as they could get porn and food. Most men think relationships are some kind of female problem, like childbirth or something. Love is alien to men Most feign love and caring but only for what it will get them. Avoidant men just don't do a good job of hiding their disinterest in women. They don't really think we are human.

[@terryforester5100]

So good!

[@montserratpuebla4629]

My ex-husband stared therapy and, after a few sessions, he quit everything: therapy, marriage, etc. His mood worsened quickly and seemed trapped. He then moved on to a rebound relationship. He hasn't stop trying to "escape" since then. He has moved abroad.

[@joto5175]

❤ I love your videos!! ❤ They are extremely helpful and I can't stop listening. Always looking forward to new streams. I am an avoidant attachment person from Finland and all of this totally makes sence to me although you describe it for avoidant attachment men. Thank you ❤ take care!!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for your support! I'm thrilled to hear that you find my videos helpful. Take care, and I'll keep the content coming! If you ever need support, feel free to reach out ❤

[@Buckethead7777777777]

Sub’d and subscribed. It’s so relieving hearing somebody that gets it. 7/10 baseline stress level is so true. Switching from corporate white collar work to gritty blue collar work has set the baseline down to 4/10 or 5/10 hahaha 😂

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for the sub and for your support! Happy to have you here and to know that you find this resonates.

[@ayisha1978]

You're a hero man, thank you for what you're doing.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm glad to hear that you find the work helpful. What specific topics or areas would you like to see more content on?

[@ayisha1978]

@@AttachmentAdam thank you for asking, I'd like to learn more about vasopressin and how to work with it, love what you've already put out about it as I'm interested in starting an organization that helps repair all levels of family relationships through connection building and this information is very enlightening toward that goal.

[@ayisha1978]

@@AttachmentAdam thank you for asking. I would love to see more on how to work with vasopressin as I'm not only trying to implement this knowledge in my personal life but I also want to start an organization that works on healing all levels of family relationships through repairing connections between family members.

[@freedomfisher2496]

This makes too much sense, thanks again!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Glad to hear this made sense! What moment in this video cleared things up for you the most?

[@freedomfisher2496]

@@AttachmentAdam About psychotherapy / talk therapy not working for avoindant people like me. I went to different therapists, one even for 3 years, for severe anxiety and depression but it turned out, I was wasting their time and they were wasting mine. Also tried hypnotherapy (major fail haha) and EMDR. Also never got a diagnosis, more like I have a bit of everything haha. It always made sense to me why I had 0 results, but I thought I was just a very uniquely weird and hopeless case. So I guess that's what I appreciate about your videos so much, knowing that there are tons of men out there like me and I'm not "uniquely messed up" and that some professionals, like you, recognize what we are dealing with and what would actually be helpful to us. Wish I could show these videos to my mother but she doesn't understand English well... Please write a book and publish it in Dutch, I will be your first customer 😁

[@carlorizzo827]

This is great, love what you said about therapy =art. The campaign to get men into therapy is misguided. It's naive to think men can be authentic that way. Authenticity is enigmatic, takes patience. And anyway everyone in recovery knows the person has to want to be there

[@steamer2k319]

In retrospect, I'm sure she was well-meaning but my recently-divorced mom forcing me to go to therapy was one of the worst experiences of my childhood. Having a stranger pry into my personal space and assign me extra homework was the exact opposite of what I needed at that time. It took my relationship from distrust and insecurity towards resentment and antagonism.

[@polespinosa4858]

I'm autistic suposedly. My personality has been greatly influenced by trauma. Maybe the constant covert neglect has turned me into a narcisist. I developed what could be seen as an avoidant attachment, but i think rather than that. The truth it's I'm just extremely alexythimic. When it wakes, my attachment is suicidal. It's maybe a response to the neglect, invalidation and abuse from my parents. I've fallen only once for someone. So hard it almost killed me. I have permanent scars from the stupid risks I took while in a fucking traumatized state my eyesight, hearing and biological age greatly impacted. Sometimes we are just protecting ourselves.

[@VespoLiveGaming]

If you "love" someone but feel like you have to changevthem in a fundamental way, then you either do not actually love them, or you will force them to change and find you've broken the things that you love about him.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Great point. Where do you draw the line between changing them in a fundamental way and helping them becoming a better version of themselves?

[@slickjim2626]

@@AttachmentAdam honestly the line is different in every situation, it can be very delicate at times. I’ve lost friends cause they couldn’t get off their high horse, and I’ve also lied to myself about liking someone just cause I was afraid to be alone. Honesty and compassion go a long way towards fixing this issue w communication most of the time though

[@gretchenheerensperger8701]

You are spot on!!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Happy to hear this resonates! Was there a specific part that stood out to you?

[@williamw3501]

before watching this* we don't want to be the problem. we want to fix problems outside ourselves. we hate to be a burden. our value is substantiated on what we can do and give to others.

[@jasminschumann299]

Unfortunately I did all of this with my husband, dragged him into couples therapy and therapy. And it came as you mention in this video: he ran away and moved out 😢 Now, I try to reconnect without any pressure to show him that I am not a risk factor, that I am his greatest ally. Because there ist still a connection and I know that he still loves me!

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. It must be incredibly difficult to see your efforts not yielding the desired outcome. Remember, you're not alone in this journey. If you ever need support or further guidance, please don't hesitate to reach out to me at [e-mail]. I'm here to help in any way I can. Take care.

[@crystalnelson314]

Getting past avoidant stonewalling feels impossible. It comes off as them having zero respect for your concerns.

[@kittyrivera31]

My goodness yes . I tried to speak to my avoidant and he pulled that stonewalling crap I just said never6

[@crystalnelson314]

@@hspinnovators5516 I can't afford Adam's stuff so I watch the free content. I've tried so many communication methods with my person. I have gotten cut off/stonewalled multiple times. If I voice my pain, he says go tell your friends. I have to walk on eggshells and I've grown resentful. I've never had even a friend so uninterested in my life, my feelings, and my desires. I wish he had just been honest from the beginning that he's not attracted to me and doesn't care about me.

[@crystalnelson314]

@@hspinnovators5516 (I can't afford Adam's stuff so I watch the free content.) I've tried so many communication methods. I have gotten cut off/stonewalled so many times. If I voice my pain, he says go tell your friends. I have to walk on eggshells and I've grown resentful. I've never had even a friend so uninterested in my life, my feelings, and my desires. I wish he had just been honest from the beginning that he's not attracted to me and doesn't care about me.

[@crystalnelson314]

@hsp (I can't afford Adam's stuff so I watch the free content.) I've tried so many communication methods. I have gotten cut off/stonewalled so many times. If I voice my pain, he says go tell your friends. I have to walk on eggshells and I've grown resentful. I've never had even a friend so uninterested in my life, my feelings, and my desires. I wish he had just been honest from the beginning that he's not attracted to me and doesn't care about me.

[@hspinnovators5516]

@@crystalnelson314 there's reasons that's happening. The course addresses all of it. Their brain is different than 80 percent of the population so we have to do things in a specific order with them

[@rachelsaez3718]

You’re right on point thank you I’m glad I found you. Very detailed explanation.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I'm glad to hear that it resonated with you, and I'm happy you're here too! What specific insight or part of the video stood out the most for you?

[@TylerSantinelli]

That 7/10 stress level part hurts.

[@Jaybearno]

But wow do those 4/10 days feel awesome 🤌

[@kyliesteele]

Anyone contradicting your content or saying things that is showing self defence... Haven't honestly tried to face their own facts hints the defensive nature of the verbage chosen to put forth and/or hasn't found the soul deep connection that is the definition of being in love with a person yet... And i hope the absolute best for anyone not able to grasp understanding of your content! Your much appreciated

[@paulaz.2019]

Hi Adam, Thank you for all the interesting posts you do about the attachment styles. I really enjoy listening to them and learn a lot about how other people interact with the world. Would you mind making a video one day about avoidant women. I had a feeling I might be one. With all the hormonal differences between men and women such as for example vasopressin bonding, it might be useful for some of us women to learn a little bit about ourselves or perhaps for our partners to be able to learn something about us. 😊

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for your support, Paula! I'm glad you find the posts helpful. Absolutely, I'll consider your suggestion for a new video about avoidant women, but you can check this one: kzbin.info/www/bejne/aHeth514hL6kbskfeature=shared -Understanding ourselves and our partners better can make a huge difference in relationships.

[@Whisperskyhawke]

Another great video, looking forward to the rest of the series.

[@AttachmentAdam]

Awesome, thank you! Glad you enjoyed it and stay tuned for more to come!

[@sofiaoriana9070]

Also what has worked successfully for me and my friend is alternative healing modalities besides talk therapy. My avoidant friend is very resistant to talk therapy, but he's totally open to trying facilitated psychedelic medicine, somatic healing, biofeedback, sensory dep, meditation, martial arts, etc... as an FA i also find these to be effective because they actually teach me how to soothe my nervous system.

[@laurareinaga6736]

This video is so informative .

[@ihunnydipsz]

I’m a woman and the avoidant partner in my relationship. I have been working on myself for quite some time. I just found your video and I thank you for making me feel seen but also accountable for how I show up in the future. Happy to report this video only triggered me slightly which is growth lol.

[@daniels5091]

Hey Adam, was wondering if your course is also good for a fearful avoidant like myself. I go on plenty of dates with beautiful women, but rarely commit because i tend to focus on negatives (not religious, too anxious, not pretty enough etc) which trigger my fears and insecurities and i pull away. Love your content!

[@AttachmentAdam]

Hey Daniel! It sounds like you're facing some challenging patterns in your dating life, and I'm here to help. Feel free to reach out to me at [e-mail] and I can assist you in finding the best resources to navigate these challenges effectively. Looking forward to hearing from you!

[@kukaro]

Great video thank you

[@AttachmentAdam]

You're so welcome. Was there a specific part that stood out to you?

[@anzelaiv]

Another great video! I wonder what's the approach if your relationship is good, but you, as a partner, worry about your avoidant man's stress levels and constant burnout from overworking? It can't be good for his health, but he can't stop because he can't relax, he feels responsible for everything, can't delegate, can't have a balanced schedule, but that's what he is used to. What do you do? Do you say something? How can you help?

[@RenigadeWarrior1]

I'm pretty sure at this point I should just be alone. I don't want to hurt anyone and it seems that everyone around me ends up hurt no matter my actions or intentions. It's the most moral thing I can do to just be alone.

[@rhondarowe1424]

I'm finding your videos very reassuring. I can relate a great deal to what you are saying and want to hear more from you about how Avoidant behaviors are similar to and necessary for secure attachment. When I subtract the word "dismissive" and replace it with "secure" it seems to fit. Do you have any videos on what's similar between the Dismissive and the Secure attachment styles and what's different?

[@dogdude2457]

As an avoidant male.... this hits home. It sucks but i view most emotions as a tool for manipulation, people acting in a way that reinforces their desired behaviour of me. I wish i could bring myself to think another way but right now i cant.

[@AttachmentAdam]

I hear you. I encourage you to learn more about your attachment style and how it impacts your relationships and connections with others. This will help you track any patterns that could be harmful or that don't serve you. If you need help with building an action-plan or if you would like more resources, please feel free to reach me through [e-mail]

[@rizwanawarasally9517]

Just a question. If my avoidant partner has a substance, porn and sex addiction. What are my options? Also very dishonest. Always made him feel safe and sheltered his vulnerability. Nothing is working

[@carlorizzo827]

Sounds bad. You're a candidate for Al-anon

[@Plantladytiff]

I think mine is sex addicted. He been with so many escorts

[@zimzob]

@@Plantladytiff have you looked at SLAA? There’s a 40 question self-diagnosis on their website

[@hspinnovators5516]

Thank you so much again Adam for this information. It helps take the shame and confusion out of both sides' pain. We need this information in the world both the emotional and the logical

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for your kind words! I'm glad the information resonates with you and helps bring clarity.

[@Eclectic8]

I identify as a man on the avoidant end of things. My partial push back is admittedly purely re my own experience. Going to be brief. This seems like valuable information from a valuable perspective. At the same time, myself, over several decades, I've mostly found therapy to be helpful on an individual level and, even moreso, for couples counseling. (Maybe I should also disclose that I've had a lot of exposure to support groups both as a member and leader, both personally and professionally and, because of that, might be in a little better position to both evaluate therapist quality--including summarily "firing" some after one session--and to communicate productively with them.)

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thank you for sharing your perspective. It's valuable to hear that you've found therapy and support groups helpful, both individually and for couples counseling. How have your experiences in support groups and therapy influenced your approach to relationships and self-understanding?

[@Eclectic8]

@@AttachmentAdam Thanks for asking (that very therapeutic question 😏). First, a couple of acknowledgements. If anyone's thinking, all this therapy and support group time...boy, this guy must be pretty messed up. To that, my rebuttal is... Well, you might be onto something there. Second, I've really appreciated insights on avoidant patterns in this channel. For example, how my mind can tend to revert to a bottom line of "fairness." Again trying to be brief, especially with ongoing group attendance, three top benefits come to mind: asking for help, perspective-taking and the mindfulness gap. Interesting that none of them necessarily involve talking. To just show up is--tacitly, at least--to practice the humility of asking for help. Other people's shares are opportunities to practice empathic listening (at least when I get past anxiously rehearsing what I'll say). That same "mindful" detachment from listening later fosters a "gap" so I'm less reactive whether to what others say or to hearing my own words. Maybe a good compromise for men would be to never accept being pushed into therapy, especially not as an ultimatum. Take the reigns back by 1) talking early in the relationship re when, if ever, therapy could be appropriate; 2) insist on veto power in choosing an ongoing therapist and/or 3) ask for something you'd like to see tried in the relationship concurrent with the counseling.

[@mrgaud]

Lol you got me pegged XD literally the other night my lady was talking about her feelings and I felt like a jerk because I said "can we please just watch the movie"

[@mattorama]

Step 1 of "fixing" the "problem:" Acknowledge that it's not a problem, it's simply a different way of being.

[@AttachmentAdam]

That's an interesting perspective. Would you say the same about any pattern that keeps you from getting closer to others and enjoying fulfilling connections?

[@mattorama]

@@AttachmentAdam A lot of people don't WANT connections with people, and that's not a "problem" that needs "fixing." That's why avoidant people hate therapy so much, because they're being told something's wrong with them and their personality needs repair. No surprise they withdraw after that kind of nonsense. They're not broken, they just work differently.

[@CanwegetSubscriberswithn-cu2it]

As an Avoidant, I crave the connection but subconsciously sabotage it repeatedly. It's agonising.

[@ransbarger]

Spoken like a true avoidant.

[@hspinnovators5516]

It will traumatize the woman whos just trying to find a solution too

[@AttachmentAdam]

Sometimes we need to be validated - other times we need solutions. Those seeking solutions should be able to access them.

[@TrevMA]

Last year I had a woman roommate who was in the process of getting a divorce, and I soon realized she had an avoidant attachment pattern. You talk explicitly about avoidant men, but most of what you say seems to apply equally well to her (based on my impressions having lived with her). So I'm curious, what patterns, if any, would you say differentiate an avoidant man from an avoidant woman (or non-binary, etc.)? Or is the focus on avoidant men more so for SEO/branding?

[@AttachmentAdam]

Thanks for pointing that out. A lot of the traits and behaviors associated with avoidant attachment apply to both men and women. What differentiates some of those behaviors would be things like societal expectations and conditioning as well as the differences in how the male vs. female brains operate. Hope this helps.

[@Charlie-zp2se]

What therapy modalities would you recommend for someone who’s avoidant?

[@jdprettynails]

He was always very uncomfortable with my emotions “I have too much power over you” “No…that’s what love is. I love you.”

[@kaitlin8669]

Sounds like he does care about you. I think he worries about hurting you and you will allow it.

[@jdprettynails]

@@kaitlin8669 sadly he did hurt me. So I’ve stopped talking to him. A friend of his showed me a bunch of messages from before our recent trip to Paris and I can really see from those messages just how much he loved me….but how unbelievably terrified he was. I feel awful that I was causing him so much fear by loving him. But rather than communicating his fears with me, he chose to hurt me in the worst possible way. He’s currently in therapy and he says he always feels better afterwards, but he’s not doing well and there’s nothing I can do to help him.