Why avoidants struggle to say sorry

[@AlwaysMisunderstood]

She will never EVER apologize!! I couldn't take it anymore. I had to end it. I imagine sharing this video with her, but you're right, her shame would hijack any potential growth & she would run run run for the hills! Just like she did when I couldn't take it anymore and ended our relationship. Too full of shame to even reach out to apologize for her name calling & horrible behavior. I pray she works on herself. God knows I wasn't "enough" to be the one she wanted to become better for. Maybe it'll be her next find. I'll pray for her 🙏🏻

[@truthsmiles]

Beware the “people pleasing avoidant” who will say “sorry” constantly, but not take responsibility. A great way to expose this is to ask, “What are you sorry for, exactly?” If they say “I made a selfish decision and hurt you”, that’s a good sign. If they say “I don’t know, I just don’t want to argue”, that’s avoiding.

[@rainamule3415]

Omg. 100000%. This is why my ex best friend ghosts and is angry. We were fine, and then he randomly got angry at me and blamed me for his life. Now we don't talk. I reached out twice but he's not responding so I have moved on. So sad. Ended a close friendship over nothing.

[@martiboxwell9680]

No sorries and no compliments. None. Zero. But she sure loved having both said to her.

[@loopsearcherbot]

@martiboxwell9680 Same, no appreciation whatsoever. Everything taken for granted

[@martiboxwell9680]

I forgot to add that I did hear sorry from her. My bad. Right before the end, I told her that I felt her coldness towards made me feel like a dog on a chain outside in the rain crying to come in and all you do is pull the shades. She said “Sorry you feel that way.” In the coldest most blank stare you could imagine. Fully checked out.

[@martiboxwell9680]

@@loopsearcherbot Exactly. Is this the same person you met in the beginning? It’s insane to think back to when you first meet them and they’re love bombing you so hard, only to rot you from the inside out later.

[@axel5367]

@@martiboxwell9680 , let me guess ‘I’m just not the sort of person to give compliments’ ? .. great , thanks for that then!

[@loopsearcherbot]

@martiboxwell9680 Yup sound familiar. An empty, token sorry, without any real empathy or an attempt to genuinely understand what is wrong. I told mine I had enough of feeling unwanted and unloved. She said I am sorry. And then kept mechanically saying I am sorry while she was discarding me over the phone after 5.5 years of marriage. Wild stuff. They behave like they have elements of their mind missing like it's brain damage and just unable to participate in life in certain ways.

[@gregthapeg]

So no hope then for remotely healthy relationship with avoidant 😔

[@martiboxwell9680]

@@gregthapeg The only hope is if the avoidant gets the therapy they need to heal their wounds but most Avoidants will not get help. Hence why most KZbin attachments videos tell you to not waste your time. You’re dealing with someone who has a very high chance of not wanting to do any work on themselves. none. It’s sad but you have to protect yourself from these people.

[@loopsearcherbot]

No hope. Mine was aware that she is avoidant, was trying to understand her trauma and before the discard happened she was actually in therapy for a year and a half. You are wasting your time and emotional energy you could invest in a fulfilling relationship with a healthy individual. Or a dog. Even a dog is better than an avoidant.

[@axel5367]

@@loopsearcherbot, imagine how happy a dog is when you come home… a DA ain’t doing that😂😢

[@loopsearcherbot]

@axel5367 Yeah, the dog actually loves you. Avoidant at best appreciates you and what you provide. Rest they often fake. Mine faked it. She would very often greet me at the door. I don't think she had real emotions but was just going through the motions because I was greeting her as well so she felt pressured or whatever

[@axel5367]

@ yeah, to be fair mine does that too… until you ask ‘whats our life look like in 2yrs’ then … boom ‘I don’t know’ … shut down … silence. It really is exhausting. I feel like most of the time I may aswell talk to a wall.

[@e-tf9kd]

My avoidant ex starts his reach out text with "I just wanted to say I'm sorry for..." Every 2 years on average instead of initiating getting back together lol

[@Spatenblatt]

It is heartbreaking to see the person you love struggling in a was they never asked for, as we cant choose our parents. It is also heartbreaking to be with an avoidant partner because they behave this way. I could live without my partner saying "I am sorry", if their actions tell that they try to make it better. Thanks for your content that reminds me to be strong and not being manipulated into being the problem

[@axel5367]

@@Spatenblatt, it’s really sad, and very frustrating, that most people with an DA would actually help them. They would probably , willingly, give up some of there needs to help / support and ultimately help there healing process. Reminds me of a famous saying ‘there are none so blind than the ones that refuse to see’

[@Namtaskic]

The only things my ex said sorry about was how she couldn't be the one for me and she was sorry to finally cut things off and block me. She avoided all accountability for her behavior, breadcrumbing, and clearly not being over her ex.

[@mommabear2305]

Ask them what theyre not very good at doing? They struggle to come up with anything.

[@MarkoKraguljac]

I am not sure about this. Avoidants, unlike narcissists, should be able to admit they are clueless about some or most things. Thats my experience with them.

[@mommabear2305]

@@MarkoKraguljac Many dismissive avoidents are narcissistic. I've noticed it causes them to feel shame when there is nothing to feel shameful about.

[@Christine_1829]

I always wondered why my ex was unapologetic!! I knew something was wrong somewhere but couldn’t put my finger on it. He had childhood trauma, if I hadn’t spoke it up, I would have never known why I was ghosted. Oh the pain, but I’m getting better day by day…

[@tracym6652]

My avoidant actually apologized for treating me poorly. I wasn't surprised. But i still ended it with him

[@QueenmeT]

That’s a self serving apology. It means don’t leave me. They’re not going to change to keep you.

[@BruceJC75]

She did say she was sorry a few times and that she never meant to hurt me. That’s after I confronted her when I saw she was with someone else. She says she did a lot of healing, but the guy she’s with is a month out of a divorce… “suuuure she did”

[@loopsearcherbot]

@BruceJC75 There is not much to heal man. People make mistake in viewing the avoidant through their own emotional framework. She never built any meaningful emotional connection with you because all she did was sabotaging any attempt to develop intimacy. We are like roommates to them. That's why they can discard and move on.

[@matjazb.157]

They give faked apology based on lie. Apology that is not honest. Just reject it.

[@coconutcreampi]

My ex DA and I were walking into a grocery store. I was stupidly walking ahead of the cart. There was a bottle neck to get into the doors after getting a cart. I suddenly stopped and my ex DA slammed the shopping cart into the back of my heels (Looking back now, he probably did it on purpose) My right heel was already in pain as I needed my Achilles tendon repaired. He made it worse and after I told him he hurt me, he never said sorry and tried to blame it on me or the circumstances. He ended up slow fading and ghosting me 7 months later. My Achilles tendon ruptured 2 months later and I had surgery to repair it. He could also never say thank you🙄

[@penniroyal4398]

Well after years together he can have all the space he wants after all the escaping me by running away to new places to live far away even though we had been together for years and he moved in with me. He can run all he wants! I am done, I don’t deserve the way he treats me after living n multiple places thousands of miles away and then coming back for a one night stand. I don’t need it! I’ve never in my life ever had issues either men. I was married gut fourth years to my one and only husband and I know what my worth is. The running away from me constantly shows me that my last lover really is messed up and I’ve already tried for four years and it’s the same old BS. The years apart while he moved here to there showed me I am fine by myself! I’d rather be alone than treated poorly by him!

[@watford7885]

I was in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant and we were happier than anything. In October 2024 she decided to just walk away and blamed me for it all and I was so blindsided and then in December 2024 I tried restarting the relationship to which she said no as she all of a sudden wasn’t ready for a relationship. Apart of me wants her to come back yet she hasn’t showed any signs of returning atm & my wounds have been triggered (AP). I do wonder if she will ever come back and the thought of her not returning really does hurt.

[@Intentivelyoptimistic1750]

I was at this point where you are right now. But now i realise they are never really with you. They can leave you anytime, and you know that. And you live in fear all the time. So try to accept that she is gone. And you do not deserve this behavior. You deserve best not worst

[@watford7885]

@ yeah, I am slowly coming to that realisation and appreciate the kind words.

[@linamariaperezmedina5883]

It happened exactly the same way for me after 4 years and living together. One day feelings are not the same, and they don't want to be in a relationship... For me too they never were there in the first place... There's no other way to understand that. @@watford7885

[@linamariaperezmedina5883]

​@@watford7885and to make things more relatable it was also in October that he said so.

[@cloudslady3400]

@@linamariaperezmedina5883well I know that is insane but mine also discarded me on October… Hmmmm I think we are just insane or avoidants are a cult ?😭😭

[@segri3697]

Karma....

[@ayuvanjava2071]

100 %.

[@MarkoKraguljac]

So, are most women avoidants? xD

[@penniroyal4398]

No! It’s usually about childhood wounds and the fear of being hurt.

[@MarkoKraguljac]

@@penniroyal4398 Most men I know can say 'I'm sorry' when they mess up. When someone apologizes to them, they don’t pounce out of insecurity. Most women, on the other hand, struggle to apologize but have no problem piling on when someone does, like piranhas smelling blood. It’s nasty, and it’s everywhere. We all had pain and disappointments in childhood.

[@TheAJC100]

@@MarkoKraguljacjust say you hate women and save your breath.

[@deepthoughts87-d4s]

Good one lol

[@bumblebee74911]

So in 2017 he avoids me for 3 months. (I ignore him completely as well). One day, I corner him and say "where ya been ?" He says 'my step-daughter broke my phone."(lie) I go "ok--theres 10 other ways to get ahold of me so why, why, why?" He says: "I dont know inspector gadget Okay? I just Dont Know. One thing's for sure-- Im just a Bad Guy". (I'm like wth? Nobody said that.🤔) The point is-- coach is right. They DONT know why AND then: "Im just a bad guy". This went on for YEARS because I couldnt figure out what the frigin problem was. INFO is available now, use it!You cannot fix this. You will lose your own life trying to. Its You or Them--make your choice. (Don't do what I did!) U cannot get those years back . What are you gonna say "oh, i found out you're an avoidant. Go get help.." No, it doesnt work like that. Hes a great person.. but damaged beyond what I can do. Im tired lol. 8 years and i have nothing to show for it. (Its My fault in the end, im a "patient/fighter" type. lol) Save yourself and let 'em go.

[@MarkoKraguljac]

Yeah, once something has a name, you see it for what it is. Our culture would call this romantic or tragic, but no, this is just documented dysfunction. You try, you give your best, and if it doesn’t work, you walk. No point drowning in sentiment over something that’s broken at the core. Knowledge is power.

[@PerceptVisionary-hi2xv]

Dear avoidants.. get your damn ego out of the way and learn that love actually heals. ❤️‍🩹

[@cloudslady3400]

You posted it on time…I’ve been aching a bit lately and feeling so much empathy for myself…I wasn’t only left without closure I was also waiting for a simple word that I realize now won’t ever be true even if it came… He‘s never sorry despite the fact I used to say it when I‘m at fault…thank you for reminding me when I forget how horrible that relationship was..🙏🏻🤍🤍