Why Do People Become Abusive?

[@TimFletcher]

💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.

[@ArchAngel435]

I felt shame growing up with a narcisstic family, my needs were denied, I was never appreciated. But I didn't try to control anyone, not was I satisfied with crumbs in the relationship with my ex malignant narc. But I did turn verbally abusive towards the end of the 25 yr marriage. I was beginning to loose my sanity. I also have unresolved anger issues, intolerant of people who disrespect me, refuse to be treated as a doormat. I never felt better than everyone else, I just wanted to be treated as an equal

[@GodiscomingBhappy]

@archangel435 i agree. i hope for your healing❤❤

[@paulmryglod4802]

I relate. I did sacrifice my well being though

[@angelachan5587]

Abuse is more common now than before. I feel an upward spiral of dark dense negativity and emergence of shadows. Many factors eg fear, insecurity, impermanence etc that seems to have become more obvious to me particularly since the intense pandemic days appears to kick up the silt and crack carefully crafted social facades. It's truly an intense time. People getting nastier, more closed up, protective, projecting, controlling, blaming..

[@runswithraptors]

You can lay it all down though. Just lay it down.

[@PRERNAKASHYAP]

Focus is power. As an eternal optimist, I can tell you that's not the case if you shift your focus. Allow positive things to have your attention and watch it get better.

[@LilyMendoza19]

Is more visible now, that doesn't mean that before it wasn't exist

[@JS-mv8fc]

​@@PRERNAKASHYAP 100%. Do a self test, think yellow car whilst driving....you see so many. What you CHOOSE to focus on is what will SHOW up. Watch crime shows, you become worried about your home safety. I'm at a low point in life, I picked up...by choice, a job that ended up being graveyard shift, im the only women there and it's shit, really shit sometimes, but, I've started this ' Put uplifting music on loud on my 11 minute drive to work, affirm to myself I'll get a park right at the doors..8 weeks in and every shift I'm right at the doors. Then, as I sit in my car, I use to feel overwhelmed and anxious about going in, now I affirm, im going to have a great shift and I am awesome' that's no shit, I go through that inside chat every night im on. We view the world AS WE ARE. Once we understand this at its fullest, we then can let go of thinking we are the main character. People can only meet you on their capabilities, if your tuning into their negative behaviour, it's because your both the same. Becarful what you say to yourself your always listening. 🙏

[@Sezfluffy]

Yes but things are getting worse, there are much more dark entities about

[@helendayle6502]

Wow! As a survivor of past abuse, this message is affirming and confirming that the abuse was not my fault.

[@Talletc]

It sounds like you’re still been the victim

[@bartoszkrzywinski4100]

This reflects badly on the one who is bullying you. It doesn't reflect badly on you. Don't forget about it

[@gorunsko31]

Now I understand why my asking abusive person not to repeat the harmful behavior, made no difference. Even when the marriage counselor told him: stop ✋ it, he kept “slipping” for seven years. Why nobody showed him an interest in “why?” Good grief! One can go to all kinds of therapy with no positive outcome and then Tim comes up in KZbin and in brief video he nails the insanity of dealing with shame by abusing others. This is a brilliant explanation of tragedy of repeating hurtful behavior toward closest people in the abuser’s life. Refusal to face their pain keeps them stuck. Eventually partner may leave them and they fall apart from rage and terror. Thank you 🙏

[@stoneneils]

I face my pain, doesn't help..i still act out same as when i was a kid..its an impulse.

[@gorunsko31]

@@stoneneils facing pain is just scratching the surface… I hear you. I have done it myself. Facing pain often means I am contemplating what happened to me. This did not heal me. What heals me is believing my self. When I am not sure what makes me uncomfortable, I go outside and kick an empty plastic jug and as I get physical, “the cover “ slips off and I feel anger than pain raw, uncomfortable but also release. Sometimes forgiveness and freedom from hate. It is crucial to nurture yourself snd experience self acceptance without judgment . Understanding Dr separation may have caused our behavior snd have self compassion for the wounded child we were. Now as an adult we can be loving parents to ourselves. Bingo! This is where sustainable healing begins and stays within us. We may loose it when we are triggered, but then let’s find the safe place to be… woods, library, alone at home, place of worship ? Let’s find the physical space first when we can be ourselves. Best wishes on healing path to you.

[@boxelder9167]

@@stoneneils- Look at what you are telling yourself right before the pain hits. It tends to be something like… I am worthless. Nobody cares about me. I’m always in the way. I’m too broken to be worth loving. Those are the beliefs that we pick up from our childhood during traumatic events. They feel like they are true but if we look at them carefully we will see that they are not 100% true and so therefore they are false. I have had to rewrite better statements than to recycle the past lies that I believed.

[@positivevibe7684]

@gorun Are you still in the marriage? I'm not being physically abused. That was over 30 years ago. However, when he gets angry, he says hurtful things. It trumps love. I have one foot out the door. I mentally checked out of the marriage a few years ago. Thank goodness I have my space and am able to stay for now. He pays his share of the bills. We are more like roommates. He makes a great roommate.

[@positivevibe7684]

​@boxelder9167 You hit the nail on the head 💯. My husb/roommate feels he's worthless. He has made a statement that he feels like a dark cloud is over his head. He has physically abused me in the past. He hasn't put his hands on me in over 30 years. However, when he gets angry, he says things to hurt me, which trumps love. I mentally left the marriage years ago. At my age, I'm not making any sudden moves. I will know when the time is aligned for me to make a change in my life. My gut instinct is telling me to be patient. Its all working out for my good.❤❤

[@luiscaceres-qk4yk]

Wow this man is a genius I haven’t seen this explanation from anybody.. but is so true .. people who hurt forget about their love to you and do what they need to do just to justify themselves and their actions cause of their shame..so is a one way street you can love them but they can’t do the same!

[@LeslieBell-ds3en]

So true, Luis.

[@caroleminke6116]

Take the high road in life 😉 less traffic but lots of ♥️

[@andreeaburian1408]

​@@LeslieBell-ds3enyes, but when they become adults they should know better and act on it!! No excuse for ruining smone else's life! We all go thru hard&veryhard things, but not all bcome bad people

[@LeslieBell-ds3en]

@@andreeaburian1408 💯👍🏻

[@beadingbelle3486]

​@@andreeaburian1408 i agree, but they can't because theu're wired up differently - they never grow up & mature into normal adults - they stay stuck in the adolescent tantrum stage so they use those immature tactics to get whst they wsnt - they don't know any better & don't want to know any better because their taste for power over others to get what they wsnt is stronger than anything else & is fed by their overwhelming sense of shame. Ultimately they don't know how to love & that's why they lack the empathy needed to take a healthy loving path instead of an abusive one - hurting others to get what they want is the only way they know & becomes their 'norm'. I still think people have choices and they choose the path they take, but i'm told they don't choose because they don't know any better, & that's where i get stuck as i'm told to forgive but i can't - growing up in what i grew up in i could've chosen the path to become abusive but i didn't because i knew it was wrong - but i'm told they don't know it's wrong & they think they are right & it's everyone else that's wrong. Maybe they therefore have a warped sense of what's right & wrong & that's why they're wired up differently.

[@Lyrielonwind]

I found out too late in my life about the origen of all my suffering; being the scapegoat of a narcissistic mother but I think I have reached a point in my healing process to understand that love is not abuse although I was taught to think so. Abuse is not caring and that can't be love because the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference and not caring.

[@meme-zv7kw]

I was trying to be in love. She was trying to be in control.

[@LeslieBell-ds3en]

Same here, friend. I too, was trying to be in love and he was trying to be in control. Always depressed, always miserable, always angry (but only when no one else could see it). :(

[@Sarah-with-an-H]

Its not your fault her hearts a mess. Keep looking for connection.

[@TamagoEgg]

If you stayed, you have to look deeper at 'why' you did. You too have an issue that allowed the situation to happen, you have an underlying need that is not met.

[@meme-zv7kw]

@TamagoEgg I didn't stay I walked away ...I wanted a healthy relationship where both of our needs are being meet but she was only concerned about what she wanted

[@Sarah-with-an-H]

@@meme-zv7kw You did the right thing. Highly recommend the song Hearts a mess by the guy who did the song somebody that I used to know. I think that might be cathartic to hear your feelings in a song.

[@oliverman6168]

Showing kindness to cruelty leads to displaying cruelty to the kind

[@Sarah-with-an-H]

I don't understand this. Help me out. You get a free pass on somebody if they are abusive? That idea gives me the ick.

[@oliverman6168]

@@Sarah-with-an-H has Diddy been given a pass Sarah?if anything he's gonna get the arse

[@Sarah-with-an-H]

@@oliverman6168 That man is low hanging fruit in a massive industrial system that involves entertainment, politics, the music industry, the drug industry. I don't even think you even understand that man isn't responsible for everything abusive in these industries. He is a pawn in that world and all you need to do is not participate in that and pray for Justin Bieber. Diddy has nothing to actually do with the work Tim Fletcher is doing here.

[@Sarah-with-an-H]

@@justTes3 I remember as a child I said no but that didn't stop someone throwing knives at my feet and telling me I asked for it. There are people in our world who are vulnerable and where saying no does nothing. Same in a situation where a person is slipped a drug in their drink or food. In that case everyone has some vulnerability to being taken advantage of without consent. Saying no and having that respected in some ways is a privilege.

[@veronicalagor4771]

⁠@@Sarah-with-an-H I think you misunderstood. If you tolerate poor treatment for too long you end up dishing it out yourself.

[@meme-zv7kw]

A higher power is speaking thru you. Thanks for sharing your gift

[@LOVEISTRUTH300]

It is true💖LOVE💖💖💖

[@autumnsmith3585]

Even if you tell family and friends too much things can go terribly wrong. They can harass you, backstab/betray you, covert narc fam/friends can try to guilt you, etc. Best things you can do even among family and friends is to remember how they have treated others in front of you and notice if they don't trust anyone. A paranoid, untrusting person by nature is definitely an untrustworthy person.

[@pinkkmatcha]

If our society could have a focus on healing shame, imagine how much farther along we'd be. Instead the focus is money and power, which plays well into abusive personalities that crave it. For once they were powerless, ashamed, and it twisted and contorted them into monsters. Still deep inside is the original hurt child, the original self.

[@Robdutton91]

It takes a certain type of person to be able to step on another to get ahead

[@caroleminke6116]

@@Robdutton91nonhuman

[@caroleminke6116]

All world religions as well as spirituality point us toward love ♥️ which begins with self acceptance!

[@annemurphy8074]

Well said. The biggest challenge in being human is realizing our True Self. We need to integrate Human and Being. I had an NDE where I saw that we ALL are created of the same energy, Love. By Love, I mean Unity, Wholeness. The qualities of Being are unconditional love, acceptance, compassion, non judgement. In the NDE, there were no gods from any of the man made religions handing out rewards, judgements or punishments. The qualities of the conditioned egoic mind contain much fear, division, conflict, shame, guilt, selfishness etc, all stemming from a belief that we are separate and not enough. In the NDE, there were no demons, devils, angels, gods, heaven or hell. Heaven is knowing who we really are, hell is not knowing. I saw that all evil stems from the forgetting of who we all really are. I saw that nobody is ever left behind and none of us is judged. We do that to ourselves from the egoic mind/patterns of our particular conditioning. Doing our inner work to heal our wounds and welcome all parts of ourselves is so important as it ends the war within which leads to the revelation of our true nature. This is an ongoing process and challenge as long as we are in human form.

[@alexxx4434]

You don't realise that shame is used to contol in our society. Just look how consistently shamed each new generation is. This is done to force new generations to conform to standards and values of the society. Money and power for many is means to cope with the shame.

[@marciasloan534]

I believe some people have very little to give. It suits me to accept very little from these people, accept WHO THEY ARE.

[@LightWarriors4Life]

It’s mainly about power and control on why some become abusers. 🤔🧐

[@positivevibe7684]

@Lightwarrior It could also be because they grew up in an abusive household where they saw their mother being abused.

[@LightWarriors4Life]

@@positivevibe7684 this could also play a factor on learned behaviors. 🤔

[@catherinemarsh5453]

Power and control are a consequence not the reason, shame is the reason and so the need to control follows as a result.

[@LightWarriors4Life]

@ to a point, I would agree. I think if you look at it from a “Royalty” aspect from days of old, that’s why heirs were created, to maintain that power and control scenario. 🤔🧐

[@catherinemarsh5453]

@@LightWarriors4Life Absolutely.

[@Jane-ic5gy]

One of the most profound discussions I’ve ever heard

[@meme-zv7kw]

This is one of the best videos I ever seen

[@Bcke14304]

I agree! Who’da thunk that abuse comes down to the issue of *needs* not being met? So simple, yet profound. Love the way Tim boils it down💕

[@Connecting2nature]

Feeling shame attracts the shamed

[@LordScrambles1]

This is one of the most profound things I've ever heard.

[@rachelsimbhu3965]

Same ! Thanks so much for sharing

[@bluelotus9654]

Yes it has a lot of truth to it. However this is based on love being highest priority for all which may not be accurate for all humans. For example a woman or wife in abusive relationship where she has a difficult way or limited resources, that instinct is for survival. For many humans survival and security are extremely highly priorities. This principle has been shown time and time again.

[@nadiaconseillant8616]

I am always on the back burner. I never had put myself as a priority. Now I am finally starting to do it

[@redfritz3356]

Some people are traumatised and that leads to them to learning you get ahead by abusing people. You don't overcome evil with evil, you overcome it with good. Thanks to the Apostle Paul.

[@Sidera17]

I'd love to see a further deep-dive on why so many caregivers become abusers even if they had no history of it previously. There's very clearly a power differential and the person disabled may not be abusive or harmful to them at all. Disabled people being abused may resist the abuse and stay not because of shame but because there are no resources for them to SURVIVE otherwise like food, shelter, money. As a society we glorify the caregivers and don't think they are capable of abuse, or we CONDONE their abuse because "it must have been so hard." Why do we never speak about this form of abuse? It seems cross-cultural, across all ages and genders, and the disability doesn't seem to matter as much so long as it exists.

[@chilloften]

In healthcare work, yes I’m abused on the daily, by coworkers mostly. It’s a situation I cannot escape because money. But I notice in my healing how intolerable I am, keep getting terminated. People are evil.

[@helpfulbitsandentertainment]

I can't speak for all people. I know I was probably emotionally abusive towards my grandmother at the end when I was her caregiver and here's MY why at least: This was the woman who had murdered my father (convicted but got a slap on the wrist) and later sold me to a pimp when I had just gotten out of a coma after surviving a car crash and was vulnerable. She had tried multiple times to get my guardianship so she could get money and slave labor (and gotten laughed out of the courts as I had no disability and no criminal record and was a model student in high school and college). My behavior was NOT ok. I should have cut her off totally and just gone no contact, but at the time I believed it was my duty to care for my parents and grandparents NO MATTER WHAT and that otherwise I was just a horrible person.

[@RonnyAndersson-q9b]

This is so good. This is exactly what Jesus and Heaven want everyone to understand. Well worth a listen.

[@villasoka884]

There is a genetic component, I see it run through the generations in my family, an insecure personality and anger.

[@marynick9865]

I was severely abused for 12 years.I realized after I GOT AWAY that HURT people in turn,HURT PEOPLE.Thank God for forgiveness ❤❤

[@yootoob1001001]

Tim, thank you for laying this all out and showing that these types of behavior come from somewhere and the people who perpetuate them are hurt people, not simple "evil." It doesn't excuse them, but helps to bring understanding and explains the why. Often I think many jump to a good/bad dichotomy because considering that the abusive person is also hurting is a hard paradox to hold.

[@LeslieBell-ds3en]

This is the most awesome podcast!! You’re a genius! Thank you SOOO much for these answers that I have searched high and low for!! It all made perfect sense! I am so grateful for this lesson. ❤

[@BernerVRshow]

I am so grateful to❤

[@positivevibe7684]

Same here. As hard as this was to hear, because it home, I'm grateful I came across it.❤❤

[@ferdikadatu687]

be assertive towards this kind personality. say enough for them. don't let them treat you as below than human being in front of them.

[@ckelley8275]

As was pointed out in this video, a person with low self-esteem and shame due to an abusive and neglectful childhood would not have any frame of reference for assertiveness. They wouldn't see themselves as being worthy of love or respect because it's not anything they've ever had. If all they've ever known or been told was that they were worthless and unlovable and that any abuse they receive is their fault. They'll continue to go through life with that as their baseline and reality. And, sadly, more often than not, abusers and narcissists will be drawn to their low self-esteem and low self-worth because they'll see them as easy prey. And, as also explained in the video, to these types of predators and abusers, love and respect would not mean anything to them because they'd only care about themselves, their power, and their image. They'd feel entitled to whoever and whatever they wanted. Period.

[@ferdikadatu687]

@@ckelley8275 yeah i knew that, In past they taken advantage from my low self worth. in past I always feels myself is not good person or not adequate. Now I understand, it's not about being good or adequate but being true about yourself. I not considering myself as religious person but a sentence in bible teach me one thing "love others like love yourself". so it's not being as good or bad anymore but being as human being like others.

[@arrowarrow17]

You are a brilliant mentor. I have never heard someone speaking this topic clearly.

[@h4xi0rek]

There is also this realization that some people come to : "if nothing I do is ever good, I get used for being loving and I get shamed for everything that I do then screw it and let's just stop caring about it".

[@sarahjmount9221]

Thank you, Tim. I’ve never, ever heard the explanation of someone becoming an abuser by letting other things such as what you explained, trump love. This was so incredibly informative and helpful. Much appreciation and gratitude sent to you for all you do.

[@BernerVRshow]

Very well explained. Thank you a lot❤

[@skjelm6363]

Again much learned. Thank you for your hard work explaining! I found my deep shame thanks to you, I went to my therapist again, thanks to you and I understand why I did what I did, thanks to you. The snail turned in a dream I had into a turtle with arms to the sky. i know now i carry my prison and I can change it - I can change myself. Still not enough felt trust into me, still blocking myself somehow, but i now know it was a unconscious stress-level and a huge shame beneath it that shuts me off. Working on it and happily there is a way to go on now. side note: I really like the new "dark mode" sheets, they are for me much more eye friendly.

[@kurt6410]

My sister was extremely abusive to me as a child. So much so I went no contact with her about 25 years ago. She tried reaching out to me a couple of times, but I just ignored her. I just couldn't understand why she was so abusive. But since I've come to realize that she was almost certainly abused herself. And since I've had compassion for her. But she died from covid in 2021, and now I'll never get the chance to find out what happened. I totally regret going no contact and consider it the biggest mistake of my life

[@elizagoodytwoshoes9140]

That is tough, I have many regrets and with my birth family I had 3 older brothers who abused me physically and emotionally. I understood after many years that my parents set us up that way. I don't regret going nc because I needed to, to save myself! I hope you find some comfort that we only ever have a very limited view in those moments we act not from bad intent but to protect. I wish you well.

[@alexxx4434]

Maybe you haven't missed much. Most probably your sister didn't heal, and stayed abusive throught her life. Don't be hard on yourself, you did a wise thing cutting ties with an abuser. Her extreme abuse of you violated love, and it was her loss not yours.

[@davidcrawford9026]

you shouldn't regret it. thank god you didn't waste time on her. I had an abusive older brother and trying to keep contact with him and still clinging on to the idea of what we could be wasted so much of my time and energy. He ended up killing his wife and leaving my nephews without a mother and my family doesn't want me in the picture. I would have been better off not knowing and just leaving him to be homeless. It never would have reached this point without my "love and care". Don't waste your time on family

[@smokingcrab2290]

None of this was your fault. Stop blaming yourself. You didn't know anything and we are always in a state of learning

[@beadingbelle3486]

We go no contact in order to protect ourselves. We think we can convince them into a healthier way, but we never will as they can't accept the truth that we can see. It's like they are wired up wrong & become blinded. My husnand's mother was an abusive controlling narcissist but told everyone whst a wonderful upbringing she had with fabulous parents - they have to believe their own lies as it's the only eay they can live with themselves.

[@Spunky072]

This was extremely helpful. Thank you for breaking this paradigm down. It has such a complexity and your ability to break it down in a way that becomes digestible is genius. thank you, Tim🙏🏻

[@TimFletcher]

You're very welcome!

[@Sarah-with-an-H]

When your needs are neglected you're forced to make your needs a higher priority over others.

[@caroleminke6116]

Survival strategy as a child

[@Sarah-with-an-H]

@@caroleminke6116 Sadly if you can't get out of that family. I'm 49 have a host of disabilities. So the neglect continues. I hate having to get aggressive sounding in order to get my needs even considered.

[@boxelder9167]

That may be a short term solution for survival but it will devastate long term relationships if that’s the only tools that are developed.

[@Sarah-with-an-H]

@@boxelder9167 I'm aware, but, as long as I'm under the thumb of family there isn't really much hope because its impossible to do in a dynamic that neglects. As long as I'm in there and I can't get out I'm going to continue to need to be on the defensive for myself.

[@boxelder9167]

@@Sarah-with-an-H - I had a bad work situation that was verbally abusive. I asked God to defend me because I needed to keep working. My boss fell down a flight of stairs while he was yelling at me. The next week he pulled something similar and fell off a ladder and broke his leg. The next month I was offered another job and I took it. I told my boss and he said, “You can’t just quit this job.” I handed him my two weeks notice and walked out of the office.

[@MuseLaBet]

I ve been abused by many people in my life, but i have never ever abuse one person. Never! Becasue i knew is not right to do it. So, No excuse for abusers here.

[@lionheartklaric3729]

I have always dated abusers and want to heal from that. Thank you for this great video

[@LilyMendoza19]

Emdr works great on that

[@rafeeqwarfield9690]

Phenomenal. But that’s normal for Tim. Thank you for this work ❤

[@meltherecafe2394]

He is one the best on youTube on this topic!

[@RecoveryTrauma]

yes

[@Arnsteel634]

It’s easy to turn to hate and it feels good to hurt others as much as you have been hurt

[@mirellalarsen6883]

Thanks for being honest. I understand why you would do that. But for how long you would stay abusing? It actually hurt you the most? Just like any other addiction or harmful behaviour. Why would you want to do it in the first place. I can only explain it as childishness.

[@Arnsteel634]

@ why do you think people followed Hitler, napoleon, lenin, and Mao. Fix that problem and the other goes away at least on a mass scale. And our society has got that bad. All we need is one to come along. And we won’t recognized him/her until it’s tool late

[@seal_2005]

True most people are children

[@NewfolderD]

My sister, sadly, became like that. What is left behind her is burned ground. I still remember when it happened. She was denied empathy after being bullied in school. I remember that look on her face, anger mixed with grief and wishes of revenge. A little bit of closeness and love from mom would save her. A little bit

[@as2223]

Imagine a society embraced by love as the core character trait.. Sadly the mainstream media has monetized hatred and division and people have been sold a lie by the enemy. Even the second most important commandment is to love our neighbor as ourselves, aside from loving God more than anything as number one.

[@positivevibe7684]

Wow !!! This hit home to the 10th degree. Was a bit hard for me to watch, but I'm glad I did.❤

[@sophiecollard9320]

Wow thank you for sharing. I tried to understand why my father was such a manipulator and narcissist. I now understand why. I appreciate!

[@grawakendream8980]

i love this video. its for all victims who get the opposite message from abusers and society

[@Bcke14304]

Oh boy, going down the bulleted list on that main slide (greed, lust, power, image…), I was like: yup✅, yep✅, that happened to me too✅… and then he got to Resentment, and I was like: Darn it! That’s me👈🏼. Needed to hear this… thx for holding up the mirror I didn’t necessarily know I needed, Tim.

[@little_blue_cloud_nehiyawuk]

Your presentation on shame reminds me of John Bradshaw's Inner Child teachings and I recall him talking about healthy v unhealthy shame. This was great information. Thank you for sharing.

[@LastRebel1978]

Fear becomes bigger than love or always was…….for many. Then what ever is required to quiet or appease the fear. Healthy fear sure, but insecurity and unresolved trauma has lots of unfortunate side effects. Another great one Tim. Hope lots of healing and hope for many from your gift.

[@bbdass4598]

It's a lie and wrong when people assume hurt people hurt people. Not all abused or betrayed ever become abusers. It's the sadistic ones who love to hurt and feed off others pain

[@Sarah-with-an-H]

Hurt people are more likely not know how to do anything but hurt people. Sometimes it's A matter of preservation and protection because if you don't step up for you nobody does. Its healthy to stand up for oneself.

[@HideYourKarmaChameleon]

Is it a lie? When people are raised in a hurtful way in a hurtful environment by hurtful people, they tend to repeat what they’ve been taught into other people. It takes self-awareness to know that something is wrong, wanting a better outcome, and doing the hard work of unlearning maladaptive behaviors and learning to be healthy. Now imagine doing that in a silo. Fortunately, there’s a whole lot of free information out there now.

[@Sarah-with-an-H]

@@HideYourKarmaChameleon Absolutely this. The OP isn't ready for that. May never be, but that's the reality of people raised on their parents pain.

[@HideYourKarmaChameleon]

@@Sarah-with-an-H Everyone has their own journey if they choose. It’s not for the faint of heart and full of blunders and perils ❤️ The valleys and mountains include learning about how they were abused, who the abusers were, the impact of their abuse, neglect, betrayal, abandonment, and how they’ve perpetrated harm onto others. Who has time or energy for that?!?

[@Sarah-with-an-H]

@@HideYourKarmaChameleon so true its like continuous going through a dark night for the soul. There's been times I've felt broken to pieces only to discover under all that pressure is a diamond

[@rockingrenay2950]

Thank you for this. I am working on myself and your insight on this topic really helps

[@LizSSwan]

Mr. Fletcher, your video today made my jaw clench real hard, chest tightness (I’m fine, it’s an anxiety thing), and my stomach cramp/hurt. I’m very seldom moved by much as I have very little empathy (not by choice). You’ve described exactly what happened to my ex that I dated for 8 years. I tried to move out twice and I’m still in this apartment dealing with his drama three years later. We’re not romantic and that’s helped a lot. Then, playing the video again I was thinking about my mom hauling me off to another part of the church the beat my bottom for doing something she didn’t like. My parents did a lot of this so it’s a wake up call for me to be careful with my partner. Thank you for this video. I wish you well ❤

[@barbarasoltesz]

Spot on. My past 15 years in 9:09 minutes...

[@kingh204]

This is an amazing video man

[@Klikka1]

Many of them was spoiled in childhood, and they belive they are superior.

[@winniecash1654]

Spoiling a child is not loving. In fact, it's the opposite. A spoiled child is ruined. That's why it is called spoiled.

[@oOIIIMIIIOo]

Spoiling a child is abuse, too.

[@adrianaloborec2205]

And some simply have little to no empathy to start with.

[@CrisPisces]

Thank you, this video is right on time❤❤ extremely helpful

[@barbaral2313]

Excellent, well said, makes perfect sense thank you!

[@annjohnson8437]

Thank you for this helpful video! It explains a lot! ❤

[@joyjones6927]

I’m abusive because I am hurting on the inside. I need relief from the emotional pain of believing that I am inadequate, not good enough and from toxic shame. And, as you mentioned, changing the way you see yourself is one of the most difficult things you will ever have to do. #cepv #IMustWin

[@888consciouscreation]

Wow!! This is a great video👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

[@lucianamaffra1607]

Wonderful explanation❤I felt peace in my heart❤

[@Vixinaful]

Where does this guy educate himself? Because I'd like to go there, too!

[@RickP-y2w]

Yea, no relationship should be this complicated. I just want someone normal. I got married to have a loving partner not a mentally unstable project!

[@kikit0732]

I have too much need for safety & security in my relationship, that trumps love and becomes controlling sometimes. I do react in anger because I have intrusive thoughts coming from fears of betrayal. Are there videos I can watch to learn new habits to counter this issue?

[@Sarah-with-an-H]

No love is supposed to be safe and have safety in it. If you've experienced a life lacking in safety you where not being loved because the safety of a child is paramount in a loving patent. If they can't keep you safe something is trumping love as more important for them.

[@chilloften]

You’ll need to learn ways to provide that for self. We cannot be dependent on the others for our 12 needs.

[@mirellalarsen6883]

Yes! Read the Bible

[@BecTing1]

O my goodness. Thats the ex to a T. Though i didn't know what was going on early on. Left as soon as i realised his issues were nothing i could assist with as he didn't see he had issues. Love myself more

[@alexxx4434]

One becomes an abuser or is made an abuser? If one gets consistently abused they are prone to abuse someone less powerful in turn. It's like a contagion.

[@SimplicityForGood]

Is false, we are not mechanical rats, is not how simplistic the human psyche is… is fundamentally a false assessment of the human mind

[@codeN_8]

It is a choice

[@alexxx4434]

@@codeN_8 If one is self-conscious. And we know most people arguably aren't.

[@AlastorTheNPDemon]

Plenty of abused people don't abuse others. My sympathy for the victims of abuse ends where their abusive actions begin.

[@daemonspring]

I find it most productive to have no tolerance for abusive behaviour, but to refrain from absolute moral judgements of abusers. If an abuser can see their behaviour as shameful rather than their self, it is much easier for them to see themselves as deserving of love if they simply cease their destructive behaviour. The risk otherwise is that they must double-down on controlling others because they've already tainted themselves too much to ever be loved. At some point it costs more to collect debt from desperate people than it is to write off the debt.

[@Mikimouse1011]

This is so informative, thank you

[@erikawalkerau9192]

We don’t all have the choice to leave or stay. Many abusers don’t abuse in the beginning, and some of us get trapped once it starts-because of laws in the places we live, or disabilities, or wanting to stay with our children so we can protect them, or to avoid homelessness, or because our religion (and everyone we know) tells us God would disapprove if we left. (Fortunately someone finally supported my leaving, and it didn’t take very long for me to make that decision once there was a decent chance that I wouldn’t be homeless or lose my kids.)

[@winniecash1654]

God wouldn't want a person to stay in an abusive relationship. That's a lie from the devil.

[@oOIIIMIIIOo]

Yes, the environment supports abuse as they gain advantages of it aka the governments...

[@thepragmatist]

I agree with you. It's not so simple as to "just leave" for most people.

[@erikawalkerau9192]

@@winniecash1654 It’s a very pervasive lie in some places.

[@mvbigmagic4048]

Sometimes God gives you a way out. Turned out my relatives were greedy. This allowed me to leave my abuser. Their greed for something that was actually nonexistent, pushed me out of the way. I actually didn't even need to do anything. Ask for a way out. It will be revealed to you.

[@suadasuehuseinovic2472]

I love this man… thank you for your profound insight ✨

[@nancybaumgartner6774]

This is all true , but there are also those committed to being and doing evil and enjoy hurting others .

[@caroleminke6116]

Programming trumps (pun intended) our natural authenticity because shame has imprisoned us in an unbalanced compensatory black/white dichotomy of power to love vs. love of power

[@boxelder9167]

Where the love of power is the root of all evil. Pride is not the asset that makes us capable and happy but the critical flaw that blinds us and causes us to fall.

[@rosiemckinney1061]

So true. Oh how the narcissist hates love. They can fake it but they never mean it from their heart.

[@dritarada]

They don’t know what love is couse they didn’t get love during childhood I think

[@ARUN_339]

Oh my God ! This is treasure!!!❤❤❤ Thank you so much❤

[@Primetiime32]

I'm stunned

[@sonjaschoor5254]

Thankyou so much! So clearly put and with compassion! ❤

[@tiaharrison2802]

Love this

[@juliaferrari21]

This is so clear and accurate, thank you.

[@maroonpilgrim]

Curious. I was thinking of someone i know who said "I have never experienced shame", and she was abusive

[@winniecash1654]

Maybe she's a psychopath?

[@Ali76564]

Thanks

[@barblc3202]

wow - this is really helpful - thanks

[@annieshealthyjourney]

this was so good!!! Best ever

[@Lettie22]

This is a fantastic lecture!

[@hazeloldham144]

They cant face themselves or the hurt they experienced but choose ignore it and project. Self preservation at whatever cost to themselves or others

[@caroleminke6116]

Survival strategy that now rules the world as narcissism incarnate in our screwed up leaders such as Trump

[@positivevibe7684]

Believe it or not, they also can't face the hurt they cause their love one. My husb tried to say we both abused each other; which wasn't the case.😢

[@elizagoodytwoshoes9140]

​@@positivevibe7684mine is the same, he has no ability to self reflect just deflect.

[@positivevibe7684]

@@elizagoodytwoshoes9140 Yup, I know the feeling.🥵

[@Sarah-with-an-H]

Self preservation isn't inherently evil though. Its an indicator there was nobody to trust or protect them. I suggest people in that kind of position need time to heal, but they also need connection with people who are safe and who will communicate when things are going sideways. That's A way that trust can be built.

[@ScallywagArtist]

Everything trumps love because love isn't a real thing. Music trumps love for me, Music is not only the top of my heirarchy of needs, its the only thing I care about.

[@stringbender3]

Love is the only real thing. And you love music. Jimi Hendrix? Bob Marley? SRV?

[@miller5170]

Beast of beauty and the Beast 🥀

[@rachelmaxwell5953]

Excellent!!!

[@jackman1750]

My parents capitulated to my brother my entire life, they never forced him to grow up or made him suffer for his own poor choices and behaviour. That i recon is more valid then the idea narcissistic abusers come from a situation where they were abused. In the old days society called these people spoiled brats.

[@tEqUiko]

Literally pure Gold 📷 ❤ amazing

[@melissajackson2537]

Excellent.

[@jonc6463]

This is awesome - thank you 🙏

[@raquelm2004]

Brilliant ❤❤❤

[@chilloften]

Brilliant, so succinct.

[@ladyfreedomsrawnarratives]

So very powerful! Thank you so much. 🙏🏽💔❤️‍🩹💜

[@csillaschannel]

Thank you.

[@temiaina7465]

What about conscience and empathy? It's not always possible to love everybody the same level and not loving someone doesn't mean you hate them

[@beebeeisdatpreciousbabycak690]

Tim dropping barz......once again.👍

[@cupcake0480]

It might not have been your fault that you were abused and turned to maladaptive ways of getting needs met, BUT IT IS NOW YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO STOP THAT BEHAVIOUR. Especially when it’s obvious as people are telling you and asking you to stop being abusive. We can understand where it might come from, but it’s still not an excuse. I was abused by a psychopathic mother and was in an emotionally abusive and exploitative relationship with a male vulnerable narcissist. Neither of them cared that they were abusive, but they knew they were. The latter told me he knew what he did was evil, but didn’t care. Reasons, yes. Excuses, no.

[@Sezfluffy]

This is an amazing piece of pychology. I had a dream one night saying Sarah only you can change the family karma..My dads dad was abusive, my Dad a narcissistic person who nearly destroyed my mum. Ldt go.of shame children of abuse . Its not you .

[@danthompson5797]

Some people are lush healthy strong trees planted in a paradise. Some people are weeds growing in the cracks of a sidewalk. I'm somewhere in the middle, but closer to the sidewalk

[@onetuliptree]

The first time I saw Blanket flowers they were growing on the edge of the sidewalk in a dirt parking lot, they are survivors and beautiful.

[@cmo9400]

They choose to

[@cynicismbycyn]

Thank you🙏🏽

[@stoneneils]

Well guys..this c-ptsd borderline was just interviewed by the cops for acting out...while i'm already on probation for a similar offense in june...had i been charged it would have been months in jail this time. Now i am afraid to even leave my house i find trouble wherever i go.

[@AGenerationJones]

Good for you for recognizing you need to change, and wanting to change. Baby steps - keep going!

[@positivevibe7684]

@stone Do you think if you change your narrative it will help? Maybe say to yourself: I find a sense of peace and joy wherever I go. It's a process worth exploring. ❤❤

[@elizagoodytwoshoes9140]

​@@AGenerationJonesI second that👍

[@hdskl2150]

Healthy fear. Read your Bible. Continue on, stay away from anything that will get you in trouble. Go to church.

[@stoneneils]

@@hdskl2150 If I went to church ...I would end up arrrested there 100% for sure also. I am best off among people who don't get so scared and offended and run to call 911...the homeless, criminals, clubbers and I guess construction workers who'd just laugh me off :)