Why Do We Hold Ourselves to Neurotypical Standards?

Being more neurotypical does not equal being more valuable. We need to stop telling ourselves (and others) that it does. If you want to check out Wondrium, go to wondrium.com/howtoadhd to start your free trial today! Check out Brendan Mahan's podcast here: www.adhdessentials.com/podcasts/
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Why Do We Hold Ourselves to Neurotypical Standards?

[@WaxFly]

Jessica put out a challenge at the end of the video to tell the world what we're good at. Does anyone else feel like taking it up? Here's some of mine! I'm great in a crisis. I'm a good educator. I'm a good teamplayer. I'm excellent with emotions, my own and others. I'm a good friend and partner.

[@irenevanderham7012]

I'm a good mom. I'm a good brainstormer (is that a word?) I'm (mostly) a good listener. I'm a good analyzer.

[@TheUmZarazum]

I can absorb information very fast I'm good at multitasking I learned to understand people well enough (that took tones and years of work) I work at very high speed (for short periods of time though, lol) I can relate to people, who feel isolated or different, or "not normal" or hopeless pretty well. Which is important sometimes.

[@stephaniesisson9318]

I'm good at - stepping up when things are ambiguous - engaging people - doing my own work for myself - recognizing patterns - bringing joy to messy things - moderating groups of people

[@LixiaWinter]

I am really meticulous at seam finishing(I am a historical costume and mostly handstitch) I am persistent kniter and crocheter I am good at analyzing stories, written and filmed I am good at acting I am a beginner singer, but I do good at it I can do a make over for any person to any occasion, using basic make up and things from their closet I am a devoted friend I am thoughtful girlfriend

[@michaelchildish]

I read very fast. I have a wide range of academic interests. I make people laugh literally every day. I help people with their minds every day. I am good at reading broken english. I am good at hearing broken language and communicating. I am creative.

[@alanthedinosaur5454]

Having ADHD feels like working twice as hard just to do half as much as everyone else.

[@brendalg4]

Everyone should quote you... wow mind blown

[@rubytook8067]

Yes. 💯 percent!

[@venettiaolga3756]

You are speaking fact here 😯

[@jamielingenfelter5206]

I have said this to people my whole life and they just look at me like I’m crazy I’ve tried to even explain to them that I don’t have a Nuro typical brain but of course they don’t wanna hear that

[@jeremydoerksen5988]

My thoughts, exactly!

[@alisa_and_pup]

when she started crying, talking about how hard it is to describe what you're good at vs what you struggle with, as someone with an ADHD brain? I felt that. In my soul, I felt that.

[@KS-vf3ru]

My therapist asked me this in one of our first sessions and I cried immediately. School especially left me with a lot of trauma. Being told I’m lazy or not living up to the standards and the whole time feeling like I’m working my brain to death trying to live up to said standards….. yikes! I’m learning how to stop caring what others think I’m good or bad at and acknowledge that I’m a really hard worker with a strong work ethic and I’m actually just in an unaccommodating environment.

[@saraarnau4479]

i did aswell, and my tearing eyes did too 🥺

[@Bimby-b]

Like years and years of people telling you what's wrong with you built up behind one question

[@Dragowolf_Rising]

I tear up during so many of her videos. People are usually surprised to hear I have ADHD, because I seem together or come off as confident. In reality, I'm often a total mess behind the mask and cry when no one is looking.

[@chandlerhastings6415]

I cry about my ADHD more than I care to admit

[@nuuukethewhales]

"I'm good at working hard to make up for the fact that I'm not good at stuff." I feel like this is basically what has got me through my work and educational careers, I can work myself to complete exhaustion and wind up in a really dark place just to get through something that I'm not great at. You said it so simply but I've never been able to put words on it. Thanks so much.

[@MontrealTribalFusion]

Yeah this is totally me too. Working so hard to mask that you might not be as good at something as people expect, while they sit there and tell you that what your good at isn't valuable. I was literally just bullied out of a job where we made pretty pictures. Our clients loved the pictures I made, but I was told your super artistically talented and your portfolio is amazing "but this isn't a graphics job it's a technical one". Talk about confusing. You hired me for great graphics for a graphics job to tell me that's not what you value in the end? Thanks bro

[@passionedance1519]

I started tearing up at the end too I was just diagnosed with autism the other day and my partner has ADHD. He sent me this video and both of us relate to what you said and it's just messed up how we are so used to negative self talk that we can't even confidently list the things we are good at. Thank you for this video

[@RainaRamsay]

The inconsistent output thing is so real. My career has been a long project in figuring out how to conceal my daily output from my bosses, and get them to focus on my total output over a week, month, or year. When they do, they're completely happy with the amount I accomplish, and even say that I'm one of the best employees .... but I can't let them see my results day-to-day.

[@astrogirl133]

I feel this. Sometimes I'm not motivated to work when I should, so I get a lot done when I'm in a crunch.

[@joshuagavaghan224]

Right. I might go half a semester without doing any of the assignments due at the end of the semester, but when the crunch really hits, I can knock out a lot in a panic mode. Sometimes..... but sometimes i fuck up and can't meet the deadlines. It's a risky game but it's still better than doing nothing. Not as good as being consistent tho. Bu

[@Dana-gt7nf]

YES

[@Necro_fury]

Idk how much it applies since i kinda doubt im adhd but i always remember this in my first job as an intern at 19(just normal office work). I had stuff to do but starting drawing with the boxes in excel for a few hours. Felt bad so i showed my boss, she said sometimes we need those downtimes to figure out what to do next, or heck maybe even just a break. I often keep that in mind when i worry myself too much about ALWAYS having to be productive. Might just run into a buncha mental ruts

[@Zonkotron]

More like years. Had this discussion with my boss yesterday. He was really unhappy because i have been remarkably unproductive in the last 1 1/2 years. It was comical. YOU FRIGGIN SWAMPED ME WITH DULL ADMIN WORK FOR 1 1/2 YEARS OF DULL HOME OFFICE WITH ZERO STIMULATION EXCEPT ADDICTIVE INTERNET SHIT; WHADDAYA EXPECT; GENIUS. Of course i did not say that because he IS actually a genius and just doesnt get how people can be unproductive.....but yeah, the point stands.....seems like i will be back to fast paced technical work now.....gonna be good....

[@IDK_Mr.M]

One strength you excel is - conveying a story verbally and teaching others.

[@HowtoADHD]

ohhh thank you 😭I never thought I was good at verbal storytelling, I really appreciate it

[@IDK_Mr.M]

@@HowtoADHD your welcome and thank you for what you do. It helps my son and I.

[@eringentry5833]

@@HowtoADHD you are amazing at it. I've thought this since I first started watching your videos, your Ted talk had me in tears.

[@Nickype]

I agree she is good at this

[@HansStrijker]

@@HowtoADHD whut?? Heck no, you ace at story telling!!

[@hattorihanzo5807]

You’re good at KZbin for starters. You’re good at being brave and exposing yourself to vulnerability. You’re good at inspiring masses of people to discover their true worth. You’re really good at helping people discover that they’re valuable and not broken. By shedding light on this massively misunderstood condition you are directly changing the trajectory of people’s lives. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you.❤️

[@kailahbrown4887]

My sentiments exactly ❤️❤️🥲

[@johnbeyers4104]

I would add that Jessica is really good at being genuine. That is a very rare talent these days.

[@nichollebraspennickx943]

I couldn’t say this better myself. Love you and your work, Jessica. Not in a stalker way - but I do binge watch you... not since Beavers and Butthead have I binged watched anything!

[@michelesatanove5781]

Why does this comment have only 191 likes? So well said. This is an extremely well done channel and such important work. So much gratitude to Jessica!

[@Alice_Walker]

Well said! 💜

[@AnnikaOBrien]

I wish I had someone say this to me as a teenager. My life would have gone in a completely different direction and it wouldn’t have taken this long to finally be happy.

[@brianh1969]

Annika, something to think about? What if you are exactly where you are meant to be at exactly the right moment in time? This is a common theme in many leadership circles I participate within. Everyday we are offered a clean slate? What do you get to create today? Go today? Who do you get to meet or talk to today? 🔥

[@justthebest2531]

you are happy now that IS the most important

[@TheRealKingOfHun]

No sucha thing as "wasted time". Remember that. Be happy. 🤗

[@trudymoffat1572]

I hear ya! I was thinking the same thing!

[@journeymann]

Amen to that.

[@oPHILOSORAPTORo]

"Everyone fails at who they're supposed to be, Thor. The measure of a person - of a hero - is how well they succeed at being who they are."

[@shoesncheese]

I felt that line.

[@storm3927]

which movie is that from?

[@mrbrigham]

@@storm3927 Avengers Endgame

[@mrbrigham]

I came here to post this! I love this quote so much. Don't forget the rest of that scene - Thor reaches for Mjolnir. It comes right to him indicating that despite his failures, Thor resolutely says, "I'm worthy"

[@HappyMatt12345]

I somehow knew I'd find this quote here... You need to remember what happened after that, Thor reaches to call Mjolnir and it still comes to him, and then he says "I'm still worthy!" EDIT: My next reply

[@gulfgiggleanimations4472]

I’m often reminded of this one comic about the educational system. There’s a variety of animals standing in a line, a songbird, a monkey, a penguin, an elephant, a fish in a bowl, a seal, and a dog. Across from them is a man who tells them: “For a fair selection everyone has to take the same exam: please climb that tree”

[@addisonkennedy7111]

Have you seen the fish song that Jessica wrote?

[@RenaissanceGirl]

Speaking of comics, I took a comics class, and the way the teacher wanted us to plan our pages didn't work with my brain, but I had no choice because the steps had to be completed to turn in for a grade. I barely managed to finish my final assignment on time and even then I still wasn't happy with it. I was burned out by the time college let out for the summer. Now I know there are other ways to plan comic pages, like mood boards! I also now know that generally, conveying one idea per page is the norm in comics. My comics teacher never brought that little tidbit of information up. I wish I'd known that because then I could go crazy with ideas but be able to rein them into that one idea per page constraint. I didn't realize until later that I had been holding myself up to neurotypical standards to plan. The more you know I guess.

[@BreakerInc]

Oh my god I love this, it's so accurate! It's sad, but I'm glad to have seen it.

[@killhannaah]

I thought of that too.. Exacty. Crazy isn't it?

[@SirMysticRob]

There's a quote similar to that that goes something like "you can't judge a fish by how well it can climb and a monkey on how well it can swim"

[@xBEEKAYRANDEEx]

5:23 That hit. I got hyperfocused on a specific task the other day and spent SIX HOURS trying to find out the answer to a rather complex problem. When I forced myself to stop, I felt like garbage because I didn't actually find the true answer to it. Looking back, I should give myself more credit because I learned a lot about several different individual parts of that complex problem. So even though I didn't completely solve the problem, I still know a lot more about how/why that problem happened than I did when I began.

[@salishheights2320]

🌟🌟🌟 "The people who are actually successful are not the people who get good at the things they're bad at. They're the people who focus on the things that they're good at, who really take advantage of their strengths." 🌟🌟🌟 Thank you so much for this, Jessica!!!

[@kathycameron2229]

Most excellent!!!

[@0hermitworm]

You're good at being vulnerable so that others can heal and be stronger too. Thanks for everything, Jessica.

[@jayconrad6162]

I agree. Jessica being vulnerable allowed me to give myself permission to do the same. I can now accept that my ADHD has affected my life and abilities. Focusing on what I’m good at has been a life changer for me.

[@Samellon]

This. I've struggled so much with sharing my "weaknesses" openly, because I refused for them to be part of how I present myself. Seeing you being so open and transparent and vulnerable in front of so many is such an inspiration for working towards that myself. Thank you, Jessica

[@FlashdogFul28]

Made me feel.I could share honestly.

[@nicolebacon2747]

+

[@phasein5413]

Yeah. Her end up there made me type, and have a comrade. Thanks for the strength J.

[@disorientrepresent]

So, so, so true, and sad, that we ADHDers come to deeply internalize, "I'm not that, and that's what society values, so I'm not valuable."

[@deatsbybre7162]

Exactly. Despite the fact that I know it’s not my fault I am the way I am, it’s just a fact that there is a certain level of competence that’s expected in the real world, and no matter how hard I try, I’ve never been able to meet that for any employer. It’s hard not to feel like an objective nuisance when no matter how hard you try it isn’t as good as a neurotypical person.

[@nicolebacon2747]

+

[@sharonjensen3016]

Sometimes I wish autistics could have their own school, like the X-men do. Encouraged to use whatever abilities they have, not suppress them.

[@pokelolmc6826]

Not ADHD, but autistic and I’ve always felt ashamed of myself for not being “neurotypical enough” in my habits/social competence/work ethic/personality traits. I hated myself in high school because I felt like everyone else was getting it right and I couldn’t catch up. I’m still getting over this as an adult; my worldview has been so fundamentally shaped by internalised ableism for so long that I feel like neurotypical traits equal value as a person, and I can’t understand/see any niche where neurodivergent people could actually serve society with valuable contributions or ever achieve success. I intellectually know that they must be out there, but my pessimistic brain has trouble seeing it as possible and just assumes hopelessness. It’s really hard sometimes.

[@sharonjensen3016]

@@pokelolmc6826 Thank you for sharing this. My high school experience was very similar. I hated the social aspect of it. I believe being treated badly has turned me into someone I don't even like at times. My mother tells me: "You're cruel." Well, Mother, you know who made me that way. Oh, well, I live in hope that my former tormentors (teachers, students and other authority figures) will meet their karma one day.

[@leannestrong1000]

I am on the Autism spectrum, and I often feel like I'm working twice as hard as neurotypicals just to get the same results. Neurotypicals are allowed to state as many personal boundaries and preferences as they want, and expect that they be respected. But when those of us on the spectrum do this, we are told that it is selfish, bratty, rude, etc. NTs are often encouraged to show emotion, but when us ND people do this, it's taken with a special affront, or at the very least, ignored or minimized. Neurotypicals are often encouraged to stand up for themselves, but when us autistics do that, we are often (figuratively) shot down, or at the very least, viewed as the perpetrators. Why is this stuff ok for them to do, but not us?

[@LucarioBoricua]

That's just hypocrisy and painting a failed unforgiving set of social norms in a thin veneer of political correctness about emotions and personal boundaries.

[@Y0KAl]

-im an artist -im very creative in the way i approach things -i always think outside the box -my humor is different but unique -ive always been very ambitious -and i have lots of empathy for others!

[@the_baldy_scotsman6210]

"Hold down a job for longer than 2 years without being bored" Honestly the only job I've held down for over a year is youth work, and that is because it allows me to essentially act like a big kid! Stick to your strengths people!! And I'm soooo glad I found your channel, I think you're good at teaching things in simple ways and you are a joy to listen to

[@GracefullyAutistic]

Same here, the only job I've had so far that lasted more than a few months is this one daycare job. I unfortunately had to quit after two years due to Covid stuff causing me major burnout, but that one definitely holds the record for 'longest held job'. But I can definitely relate to being good at it because I can be kind of a big kid around the little kids, in terms of just playing with them of course. But I think one of the biggest reasons I'm good with kids is because I haven't forgotten what it was like to be a kid (especially a traumatized and/or chronically misunderstood kid) and unfortunately from what I've seen, that seems to be something a lot of neurotypical adults do forget. So needless to say, I always seem to have a soft spot for the disabled, the neurodivergent, and the foster kids or, kids that have been abused/neglected at some point in their lives.

[@hope-cat4894]

I can't even imagine being in a job for 20 years, and that used to be the expectation if you wanted to get pension. Those people must have a lot of patience or really love their jobs.

[@ReasonableRadio]

Sticking to a job is a good way to never increase your income anyway. This stigma comes from back in the Union days I imagine

[@JKlomp-rp5ev]

This is why I work at an after school care and it is so amazing! How more of a kid I am, how more the kids like me. I can be 100% myself and we also have a lot of freedom to do whatever we want at work. Paint the windows with kids? Go ahead, take the kids to the playground? Why not?

[@caroline2978]

This is exactly why I'm starting a career in comedy :)

[@suziemyers9855]

Just having been diagnosed at the tender age of 61, I've spent a of of time forgiving myself for not measuring up through the years. I was tearing up along with you when you were trying to say what you're god at. You're good at giving comfort because this is the first place I've ever felt that's it's OK to be me. I cannot thank you enough for that.

[@Y0KAl]

youre amazing suzie! wishing you the best on your adhd journey!

[@emsmith.]

How did you go about getting diagnosed?

[@elizat3892]

I'm glad you are being unapologetically you, love you Suzie!!!

[@anna-mariyablue8580]

The whole episode felt like a group therapy session:) be kind to yourself, you've come a long way ❤

[@recoveringsoul755]

Can I ask if you are happy that you got a diagnosis? Has it changed anything in your life for the better, other than just you knowing? Was it worth doing, I guess is what I'm asking. I'm Not sure if I am, think I might be on the autism spectrum, but I have traits and have been on medication for another brain thing since I was 14, I wonder if that made me able to function as well as I did. And your name, well it's extremely close to mine. Uncannily so... I'm 62

[@bridgetteblueeyesandgoodvi3853]

I think it's terrible that we people with ADHD try so hard to be the opposite of what we are. You don't see people without ADHD trying to be ADHD they will think it's so hard! Now they know how we feel trying to be something we aren't

[@MultiJoe84]

Overcompensating?

[@gothboschincarnate3931]

@@MultiJoe84 no...just true and honest. are you a god dam neurotypical?

[@muranette835]

I literally started crying watching this. I've been dealing with so much right now as a 25 year old woman who doesn't feel "adult" enough. I keep getting reminded of the stuff in bad at, like keeping my room clean, focusing and finishing one task before moving onto another, prioritizing things, time management... and I've been absolutely feeling like a failure of a human being. I've felt extremely depressed the last year or so, and especially so the last few months. I couldn't help think "why am I this way. What's wrong with me" I stumbled across enough evidence that I may possibly have ADHD, and then found this channel. I've binged almost every video, even rewatched videos to really internalize that this is me, or at least I'm not alone in feeling this way. I've started to feel like there's hope. I'm not sure where to go for professional help yet. I've been trying to make calls or look online but it's a lot on top of my normal life. This is the year I really want to better my physical and mental health and I'm determined to find the help I need. And, I just wanted to say thank you for bringing light to the struggles those with ADHD deal with. The peace of mind I've had after watching these videos has been one of the first true breaths of fresh air I've breathed in a long time.

[@finnthefannibal]

This is gonna sound weird but I'm in a very similar situation. 25yrs but I feel like an adult trapped in the brain of a teenager. And it's been hard to explain to others what's going on in a way that doesn't lead to judgment and frustration. This channel has helped a lot with giving me hope, that there are solutions and I'm not doomed to keep failing. I guess what I'm saying is it's a relief to not be alone.

[@gothboschincarnate3931]

Stress and anxiety slow down maturity.

[@gothboschincarnate3931]

your probably a meditater too....

[@helixxia9320]

@@finnthefannibal same and even if i try to explain it to people they mostly just still shrug it off as "youre just lazy" "youre not trying hard enough" " its easy if you just want it to be"

[@ericheiner8183]

I actually started tearing up at this. You summarized so much of my struggles with just everything and my own self worth. Thank you for saying what I needed to hear.

[@HowtoADHD]

Thank you for sharing that, Eric. My favorite part of doing these videos is hearing that I'm not alone ❤️

[@marisberg9299]

Her videos always do that to me too, you must be hard on yourself as well, and needed to hear this ❤️

[@Nickype]

I can relate to this

[@50shadesofcerakote]

@@HowtoADHD I actually had to leave the room.. Felt like I got punched in the chest after watching this..

[@ellie_cr]

I did the exact same thing... silly onions... :)

[@emmacole1857]

I recently told my therapist that my life's goal was to be like a combo of Ms Frizzle, Mr Rogers, Miss Honey, and a bunch of other great teachers in media. She asked me what traits I wanted to have from each of them, and then pointed out that I already have a lot of those traits more than I think I do.

[@Elmocello]

made me tear up

[@JessMess415]

Ms Frizzle is an ADHD icon!

[@kayarnold3151]

Ms Fruzzle is the best! I always felt like she would have understood me as a kid!

[@coolkumquats]

This is why having role models is important! I'm sure you have honed many of those traits subconsciously because of your admiration for those characters. But when something like that happens subtly over time, it's hard to notice the change in yourself. I'm glad your therapist helped you see it! 😊

[@annafantasia]

@@JessMess415 whoa I never looked at her like that!

[@alexislurvey2053]

You’re good at explaining ideas. You’re good at advocating for yourself. You advocate for others. You see the good. You are present. You are loving. You are compassionate. You are enthusiastic. You are probably very out going. You light up the room when you walk in. You help people who are struggling. You express yourself. You don’t hold back. You are SO GOOD AT BEING YOU.

[@annelissett1178]

Jessica is good at being incredibly authentic on camera, and it makes her so compelling to watch.

[@sharpielynch]

Not a person with ADHD but I can tell you this: even fulfiling the neurotypical standards the adult/ corporate world expect us to achive, there is a good chance you still won't be seen as a valuable person. This year I lost a job after five years not because I wasn't good enough (they had to put 3 people to do only one of the tasks I used to do) but because I was "too expensive" for the company. What did I learn from this? You are not your job, your degree or whatever other blank others expect you to fill and strugling to do so is a waste of energy and time because in the end it will never be enough for them. I know, sounds like a cliche but it's not the same when it hits you for real. You are worthy, you have a lot to give and you'll realise about it when you sit down and check what's inside your box. Peace everyone!

[@Masterofcreat]

Fascinatingly enough there are many similar stories on reddit, for example on r/maliciouscompliance, where management fires someone they have no idea what their job is or what other mechanisms relie on that person, and getting the short end.

[@margaritaontherocks3887]

My husband was let go (with a nice severance) a year prior to be eligible to retire for the same reason, he was too expensive and he wasn’t part of the clique.

[@panicatthedogpark]

“You are not whatever blank others expect you to fill” Dang bro ;-;

[@annafantasia]

This is SO important. Thank you. We’ve created a work system that harms us more than we realize, neurodivergent or not

[@jilld5733]

Thinking about how you said others expect us to "fill in a blank".... Just letting that idea sink in. Well said. We are not meant to be pawns! We are meant to progress until we reach higher and high and higher.

[@fashionablysam2752]

I got diagnosed with ADHD just this year at 28 years old after going through nursing school and failing at almost the end despite working harder than the rest of my entire class. I took a few years off and now I'm back in school working to become a nurse again, but now I know why I struggle and am doing better than the first time.

[@OddLeah]

If you have the chance, try to get into neurosciences rotations/ practicums! I didnt understand why I love my neuroscience ward so much until I understood my brain. We have patients who have had strokes, brain tumours, brain injuries, spinal injuries, seizures, and weird rare neurological conditions. Every patient is ridiculously unique and there is always something new and fascinating to learn.

[@fashionablysam2752]

@@OddLeah thank you! This must be why I love working in memory care units too!

[@jawsquid]

Congrats! That's so inspiring.

[@brianamend6983]

It’s more common than you might know to struggle like this. Persevere and let the experience lead you not only to resilience but also to compassion.

[@supertenor2767]

I'm glad you have been diagnosed. It too me to age 40. I hate that I had to struggle so long. I'm 48 now and, wish I'd gotten help, sooner. I KNEW I had ADHD but was wary of meds, due to naysayers. Have a great day!

[@TheSchmoog]

This channel has helped me realize that what I thought was failing of character was actually an unaddressed mental disorder I have had since I was a child. I still need to get a proper diagnosis, but these traits added up so fast that there's little to no way I don't have ADHD. Thank you for putting this channel out there so people who are struggling in the dark, and otherwise never would have never considered ADHD to be the name of their struggle, can figure out a gameplan to get treatment. This video in particular is very sweet. It helps me to remember what is positive about a brain like mine.

[@jillianguilford5191]

HUGS. Yes, it's not a character flaw, it's not being "bad" or whatever you've been told you were. People like us are valuable.

[@cassiemeyer2763]

I just want to say thank you. Listening to your story has made me feel like I'm not alone. For so long I've thought that I was broken that I was just bad at life in general. My brother was my biggest supporter he helped me to start thinking that I was different not broken but then he passed away last may. Your journey has been like having a friend at my side over the last several months. What you are doing is making an impact. Thank you so much for being you.

[@darrenmonsiegneur5310]

This one broke me down. Even as a therapist who helps those of us with ADHD, it can be so easy to forget this. I have heard somewhere that being ND can feel like a death by a thousand cuts. No matter how 'on top of it' we may feel, this video and the task at the end is always worth visiting. 1- I can empathise with anyone. 2- I can be very creative, especially musically. I am sometimes quite amazed with this. 3- I am very courageous with exploring who I am. 4- I love. 5- I am generous.

[@gringa23]

You are human ❤️

[@TheTingcat]

I see my NT friends - and even a couple ND friends - achieving so much more, being so far ahead in life, and I'm struggling to just find a stable place/income/point of reference to gather my thoughts. Every little success of theirs hurts, even though I'm happy for them. I want to be there with them, supporting them as much as they support me, but they're out among the stars and I'm staring at them through my bedroom window.

[@safegourd]

“4- I love” is such a great one

[@torreycat7716]

@@TheTingcat you’re looking at the goings on of a tribe that is not your own. Stop trying to go down their lane and stay in your own. Focus on your own lane and The right people will travel with you.

[@TheTingcat]

@@torreycat7716 but they are my people. They're there for me, they support me. I wouldn't let them go, they're a rare sort of friend - but they're still... leagues above me.

[@camillekapoor6662]

You’re such an incredible advocate for ADHD. I’m so grateful for everything you do.

[@boygin4799]

I have been watching her videos for 4 months now and there is nothing that I have actually learnt or adds any value to my life. She is just talking about issues that other races/countries deal with every day without moaning about it or thinking they have a special need or something. I conclude ADHD is an American thing Living overseas this ADHD iS just basic life. Stop watching this making yourself a victim.

[@boygin4799]

@ [NO2]ADDHOMINEM I am a human, exactly?? Where does the video say it's only for Americans? Why do Americans think the world is American?

[@boygin4799]

@[NO2]ADDHOMINEM Uhh ok American man.. Muh freedoms, muh feelings get out of my country if u can't be like an American amirite?

[@astrammd]

People in other countries don't "moan" about the difficulties in their lives? That's hilariously incorrect. Everyone has their own struggle regardless of their birth place of origin. It's a facet of the human condition and humans are social animals - those who tend to have similar struggles benefit from sharing their issues w other like-minded individuals in order to pool their problem solving skills and find acceptance. It's certainly not a phenomenon particular to the US. Im curious, what specifically were you looking to gain from watching these videos for 4 months that you did not? What were your expectations?

[@boygin4799]

@Alyssa Stram Okay it isn't a "phenomenon particularly" to the US. So show me a video or a link or anything where other countries are advocating for ADHD to be some sort of excuse from society for whatever freedoms or "acceptance" you need. Hilarious I know.

[@caffeinatedperfectionist484]

"I'm good at working hard to make up for the fact I'm not good at stuff..." This hit so hard. I'm sorry you have to deal with that feeling too.❤ I just stopped after a few years....it's really difficult just trying to keep up with everyone else, making sure that I'm doing enough so my flaws aren't visible. Now I'm just doing my best to work on me. I'm trying.

[@rachealguest5415]

Tears are streaming down my face!! FINALLY!! SOMEONE WHO FEELS MY HEART!! I love you so much!! THANK YOU FOR BEING SO GOOD AT BEING SO BRAVE AND SO GOOD AT EXPLAINING STUFF FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME TO UNDERSTAND!! This is life changing for me!!

[@Parodox306]

"...those of us with ADHD tend to be corrected more often, or tend to be judged for not being where we 'should be' or as mature as we 'should be' or as good at basic humaning skills..." Damn, call me out on my negative self-talk why don't you

[@brothuhthunduh]

That ending had this grown man tearing up. I can relate, my unaddressed/untreated Adhd has effected my self esteem among other things. So why is it so hard to give yourself credit where it is due? I want to thank you, and add something to your list. You are great at making people feel like they are not alone in their struggles. Keep up the good work.

[@violettaschmieder2096]

its healthy and natural for men to cry

[@PinkLightnan]

The ending to this hit home real hard. I can very easily say all the stuff that i'm bad at, but its so hard to think of something I'm good at. Even if someone tells me "You're good at ____" I either can't bring myself to believe them or I reduce it to me being decent/mediocre at best and compare myself to everyone i know who is good at said thing. Its so hard to not do that and actually have some confidence in myself and my abilities. I'm hoping to work on it and slowly get better with it. I don't think that feeling is ever gonna completely go away, especially given the whole "you suck at____" mentality as been burned into me from a young age, but I'm definitely gonna try and get better.

[@theoldaccountthatiusedtous6767]

This was just what I needed to hear today! I've only recently been diagnosed with anxiety and I'm good at... um... I have really nice handwriting. I appreciate beautiful things and take decent photos of nature. I realized that after years of focusing on my weaknesses, I don't wake up curious anymore. I know that I have a lot to offer, but it's taking time to recover from the damage.

[@LadyCynthiana]

I hope you find ways to share the way you appreciate beauty with others, because that can be incredibly valuable in someone's life. I have a tendency to see beauty where others don't, and when I would share that with an elderly neighbor of mine, it would lighten her depression and turn her day completely around. Even if you don't find ways to share it with others, it can be very valuable to lifting your own state of mind and giving you momentum to keep moving forward. Thank you for reminding me of another of my strengths that is hard to remember. I hope you have a very beautiful day today.

[@Ask_Momma_Alice]

"I'm good at working hard, because of all the things I'm not good at." This one hit home. I said "No it has to be! Don't take that one away from me. It's my best skill!"

[@joeappleton]

That definitely counts as a strength. Reminds of Rock Lee in Naruto. Trying to keep up with his "genius" classmates who never seem to have to try to succeed, he becomes a "genius of hard work."

[@reneehinrichs6441]

Isn't it the truth!!! When you have to put in 4 times the effort for half the result.. you learn to be a really hard worker. Story of my life.

[@xxthatsnotmexx]

"I'm good at working hard to make up for the stuff I'm not good at" I can relate to this 1000%!!!

[@astrogirl133]

I feel like I'm trying so hard to manage a million things that I drown in all the stuff I'm supposed to remember or do. Have you find any workarounds to certain things?

[@kyo8391]

@@astrogirl133 what kinds of things are you trying to manage? For example, I triage and group what are the "Big" things I need to manage. Which are "School", "Work", "Family". I keep those all separate from each other, setting up different times and cues to do certain actions for each one, to which I give myself that time to only focus on that group. But once those times are done. I don't allow myself to think about it anymore. I dk if that answers your question, but I hope it can give you some ideas. Check out more of jess videos, she goes into more details about it.

[@kyleteodecki7478]

@@kyo8391 for me its not even the small things, its a step smaller than that. where are my car keys, do i have my wallet, is everything in my wallet, did i remember to put a belt on this morning, did i lock the front door, did i do that inspection at work for machines 1,3, and 7, do i still have my wallet, where did i set my pen this time. repeat until institutionalized or bed time, whichever comes first.

[@reneehinrichs6441]

@@kyleteodecki7478 question... how many times do you have to re-enter your house for something you forgot.. before you can actually pull out of the driveway? My average is about 3..I spend half of my day walking around in circles looking for something I just had in my hand.. only to find it an hour later.. in my back pocket.. it's freaking exhausting!

[@adaml9719]

Thank you so much Jessica for posting this. I have trauma for being attacked for my ADHD traits so this is so healing to hear 😊

[@najrenchelf2751]

That ending hit me like a truck - oh god! Alright, challenge completion time: I am quick witted, funny and analytical (constantly questioning, making clever comments, etc.) I am deeply emotional (just seeing others have a good day makes mine, enjoy the little things) I am happy with little (I don’t need much - I could happily retire in a Caravan) I am a tangential thinker (I have more ideas for my Uni‘s Green Office than it has people) And I guess I‘m quite punctual and organized too... important note though: organized does not mean tidy! 😅

[@livvy6696]

"It's really easy to look at somebody who is neurotypical, and 'responsible' and 'reliable' and all of these things and say, well I'm not that, and that's what society values, so I'm not valuable". This made me cry. I feel like that all the time but you put it so eloquently.

[@alexdietz7362]

I think it's silly. If there was no society would being responsible and reliable be less valuable? I think people on this channel let their disabilities identify who they are. It's time to stop caring about society, we don't fit in. Just be good, not good according to someone else.

[@bw7761]

@@alexdietz7362 that’s the whole point of this video.. positive reinforcement works, telling ppl “just be good” doesn’t really do much, it’s like hearing someone say “just do it, it’s not that hard” about something you struggle with.

[@determinators]

the overreliance on “predictability”, “consistency”, not asking questions, and being to work on time are elements of control. workers that do their work unquestioningly and require no upkeep or attention other than the threat of being fired are easier to manipulate. edit: for people commenting or reading thinking i'm saying these are intrinsic parts of adhd: i'm not. i'm saying employers want pliable employees and that's why people with adhd/autism/etc. are more easily ostracized, fired, etc. and held to a neurotypical standard. because NT people *are* the 'standard' for a compliant employee that doesn't ask questions and just does as they're told (and, per embellished job role blurbs, just so happen to be 'self-motivated' and 'able to work under pressure' or whatever). 'positive' ND traits like creativity and working well under pressure are romanticized for the sake of having a worker willing to bend their back and produce like a robot to work for their employer; that's as far as they're useful in most employer settings--as far as they can be exploited. this is why there are problems with accommodations as well, because the positive traits are romanticized to a point of overshadowing the needs of the ND employee and whatever 'negative' traits they might have (in the view of an employer). your employer being cool with neurodivergent brains is not the rule. it's still an exception.

[@SeanGrossICT]

I don’t think these things are mutually exclusive. The message isn’t: “we’re round pegs in a square hole, so society sucks.” Predictability and consistency are good things for employers! People who asks questions and can be whimsical are *also* good for employees. It’s about balance. The message is: “We’re round pegs in a square hole, but there’s a way to make that work to our advantage.”

[@jb6712]

Yeah, I found out about "not asking questions" in one job 25 years ago; the office manager was very, very angry with me for asking 'why' was this particular aspect of my job being done---I need to know the "why" of anything I do in order for me to be successful at it---and snarled at me to "just do it, and don't ask questions!" I was told the next day that I didn't fit in, and I'd be happier elsewhere, so I was "free to go, and immediately." I left. None of them knew a thing about ADHD and its subtypes, and would not listen to me trying to tell them what I was dealing with.

[@kgoblin5084]

The not asking questions thing isn't a symptom of ADHD, sorry... and if anything most employers actively encourage asking questions, & have for the last decade or so. That doesn't mean there aren't any pointy-headed types out there who really want obedient thralls... or that continually asking a lot of DUMB questions isn't going to make folks question your ability... but any employer actively saying 'you shouldn't be asking questions' is most likely an employer you should be running from (& most likely going out of business). As for the being to work on time: another thing not really only associated with ADHD... some people are naturally night-owls. I won't say that this is another case of 'asking-questions' where employers are generally reasonable, because it isn't... and a lot of low value people have hooked into it as an easy virtue signal of seeming to be diligent worker, but those types are usually easy to shut up if you are producing value and can show that (especially if you work in the type of job that can benefit from working late/off hours... and call attention to the fact that the schedule beaters inevitably DON'T do that)

[@boygin4799]

I have been watching her videos for 4 months now and there is nothing that I have actually learnt or adds any value to my life. She is just talking about issues that other races/countries deal with every day without moaning about it or thinking they have a special need or something. I conclude ADHD is an American thing Living overseas this ADHD iS just basic life. Stop watching this making yourself a victim.

[@SandraLovesRoses]

@@boygin4799 ignorant

[@DavidSantos-ct4wj]

"I'm good at working hard to make up for the fact that I'm not good at stuff" You just hit my heart so powerfully. I feel this way every single day about myself. I just try to work hard to make up for the fact I feel so ashamed about myself.

[@MelissaMayhem99]

I only wish the people who stigmatize us and critique without listening to us defend ourselves, would hear this message 💔

[@brucemckenziefraser139]

Jessica, you had me crying again when you struggled to praise yourself and acknowledge your strengths 😪 I'm a recently retired RN living in the UK. I was diagnosed 2 years ago aged 59. You have been such an inspiration to me. May you continue to find success and happiness. You deserve it. Thank you 😘

[@nathy0308]

"We have different brains functioning on different operating systems." What a perfect metaphor!

[@gingerslife4856]

I was in a class that had a poster on the wall that said fair isn't everyone getting the same thing fair is everyone getting what they need in order to succeed because of that I always make sure to tell teachers that I have accommodations that way I can do my best don't be ashamed of doing something a different way from other people since I have accepted that I'm not going to do things the same way as my friends I have more self confidence I know it's hard to accept that but once you do it's so much easier

[@Dysphoriavii]

I don't have any formal diagnosis of ADHD or ASD, but there are so many traits of each that I can relate to. I discovered your channel maybe a month ago. So far every video I've watched has had something I can relate to. It's been really difficult for me to focus at work this week, and listening to your videos have been helping me with that. This one hit me hard. I turned 40 a few weeks ago. I didn't learn how to challenge that constant stream of negative self talk until sometime in my 30s. It's taken me until recently to finally feel comfortable in my own skin. It shouldn't take half a lifetime to feel worthy. Thank you for helping others realize this sooner. ❤️

[@stxrstruck6755]

It’s hard for me to accept that I have ADHD when my family pushes the narrative that I’m lazy so hard. “Am I really neurodivergent or am I just lazy?” “I should just work harder. If my brother can do it I should be able to.” “Stop making excuses, you’re not neurodivergent.” “It’s only hard because you’re not trying.” I keep saying these things to myself because they made me doubt how I feel. They always tell me: “Nothing’s wrong with you.” “You’re just identifying with that.” “That is not an excuse for laziness.” “This won’t get you out of doing anything.” I’m not trying to use this as an excuse, I’m just trying to understand why.

[@HowtoADHD]

If I had a nickel for every time someone said "what if I'm just lazy" and then got diagnosed with ADHD I'd be rich. Honestly, at this point I feel like it should be part of the diagnostic criteria

[@ariellejoy8705]

I'm sorry you're family isn't supportive of you or your struggles, that must be so hard to go through.

[@braceyourselvesfortruth2492]

Those are textbook toxic assertions. All they do is make people feel worse, ergo depression.

[@DaleESkywalker]

Many people aren't patient and understanding. We are here to help them learn that. I sometimes think when people do understand us and guide us back to the path they want, it takes away from the creativity that could have happened; had they also had the patience to allow our minds and actions to wander into a new beginning.

[@HansStrijker]

Adhd runs in families. Some people have their own baggage and have learned throughout their lives that having a psychological condition is disgraceful. Possibly this is your family, and admitting you have adhd, means they have to admit they might have adhd, with all the social stigma attached to that from a few decades ago (assuming they are one or two generations older). It's not an excuse, but it might be an explanation to their behavior. Whatever the case of their stance is though, know that other people's opinions matter nothing when it comes to your own mental health. If you have the possibility, discuss this with your doctor or psychologist. If you believe you have adhd, get it diagnosed. Some layman's opinion is completely worthless when you have an official dx. And remember, maybe it's indeed not adhd, there are several diagnoses that may have overlapping symptoms. Good luck!

[@cynsrsly1545]

This hit home. It’s also similar to the question “name one fun fact about yourself” that jobs usually ask during a class full of people at orientations. I struggle to name anything because my brain goes through the note cards of things I’m not good at first which blocks my mind from thinking of an actual fun fact. I feel like a bumbling non-fun fact fool and embarrassed in the end.

[@xannaz9226]

Had the Exact Same Experience the first time that happened at work. I spent weeks coming up with better answers in my head.

[@kitsune0rei]

I hate those things. I always say I can write backwards (also in cursive), which I taught myself in middle school. It's quirky and we can move on and stop talking about me and my useless skills.

[@MrFunkyCabbage]

I heard once from a Lean Manufacturing Director that the key concept of Lean Manufacturing is that when something goes wrong, when you fail... Even multiple times, like us... We haven't failed... In-fact instead of failing 50 times across our processes, we've merely found 50 ways that something shouldn't be done. Too much focus goes on "that's wrong" but people forget that there wouldn't be a right way fi the wrong wasn't discovered. So those failures, are in-fact discoveries.

[@a.j.santiago303]

Hello, brains. After 50 mostly agonizing years, today I got the official diagnosis of ADHD. It has awakened me in a way I never dreamed possible. I'm not yet whole but I realize now what the root cause of decades of anxiety and depression was the whole time. Now, I get to work on that and hopefully eliminate the idea that I was never good enough. Not being neurotypical is not the handicap we've been taught to believe. I understand that now. It's a shame that a lot of us can reel off what we're "bad" at yet struggle to clearly identify what we're good at. (Maybe society needs the mirror held to itself instead?) After a good cry, I intend on moving forward with my non-neurotypical self. Thank you, Jessica, for being our beacon of light! I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.

[@alexgreychuck7605]

Having consistent output everyday is the function of a machine not it's operator. Be a human first, you're good at that.

[@amberglines874]

Executive functioning develops later in ADHD brains? I never realized that but it makes a lot of sense, explains why I've felt sooo far behind up until 28 years old. That was around when I started feeling like I was improving and catching up to my potential. I'm 31 now and everything is still a struggle but less so than 3 years ago. Very interesting.

[@AMunro]

@@amberglines874 So delaying going back to graduate school until my late twenties actually benefited me! Hazzah!

[@Haninfp]

something you're good at: making me (and thousands of people with ADHD) feel seen and understood. some of us, for the first time in our lives. thank you for your content. your channel means so much to me and countless others.

[@brysond1573]

I connect to this so personally. Hearing it from you makes me feel empowered, loved, and understood. Grateful I discovered this channel.

[@Captaraknospider]

Every few years I take up a new hobby or thing I wanna learn. So I am good at. Building models, mushroom picking, knife making, leather work, making sheaths out of kydex, building stuff, planning, problem solving, hack sack, skate boarding, rollerblading, hunting, outdoor skills, Camping, kayaking, guiding kayaking, teaching arachnolagy, ran my own buisness and owned a store. all thease skills I tought my self but my greatest achievement is my daughter and my best skill will be being the best dad I can be and guide her through this topic and teach her the skills she needs to survive in the nature and in life.

[@animefangrl0902]

Agree 100%. Personally, I experienced a lot of frustration about why I couldn't be neurotypical like others and that all I needed to do was to try harder and push myself to my breaking point. I've recently accepted that I'll never be neurotypical and that is OK and I'm not a "broken"/ failed version of myself.

[@HowtoADHD]

YES THIS!!

[@animefangrl0902]

Thank you so much for pinning my comment ❤. This was something that was a tough pill to swallow for quite some time until very recently. For me, it has 3 years since I was diagnosed with ADHD (when I was 23) and it has been one hell of a roller-coaster ride of discovering who I truly am as a person.

[@Procrastinator411]

This is something I haven't thought of like this before.

[@DaleESkywalker]

A little girl asks: Mommy, what's normal? Mommy: Normal is a setting on a washing machine.

[@dsilverleaf4668]

@ yoshifan109 , Ditto, having trouble tho, convincing myself about the broken part. How did u win the argument, with your inner you?

[@danielle5491]

“I’m good at working hard to make up for the things I’m not good at” is just another way of saying you’re resilient

[@seskain]

I'm 40 and I've been diagnosed ADHD for 36 of that. What I learned spending years on job interviews to even land one job is, in that office I can't tell what I'm good or bad at ( in an office sense) but I can tell you I can react fast. I can move fast during a crisis, and I can be calm during a natural disaster, and I can analyze a stock chart in seconds

[@amyskinner3203]

This is touching me on so many levels. People dont understand and i always feel like i sound like im using it as an excuse when i try to explain that i am different and i cant perform the same every day. I struggle sooooo much with being on time. I always have the best intensions but it just doesnt happen and that frustrates me so so so much. Its frustrating because on my off days i feel lazy and not being able to make coffee in one shot makes me feel inferior. A lot of people tell me that it doesnt look like i have adhd, but they dont understand how much effort it takes to make it look effortless. Thank you for this video, i felt a bit more understood♥️

[@danbrown8731]

The ability to convey complicated information in a simple way is literally the bedrock of my career. I never thought of it as being related to ADHD though.

[@debwaves]

This is so great!

[@danbrown8731]

@@debwaves thank you

[@stewartkingsley]

Trying to remember complicated stuff is so hard, its so much easier to break it down into simpler terms. Conveying that to other people who know nothing of what the topic you are talking about allows them to understand, doing the same to people who know about whet your talking about makes them think your an idiot, and they often will 'correct' you.

[@ryleylamarsh]

Totally... I think I would be a great UX/UI designer. There is something about struggling your whole life with making sense of things that makes you great at making sense of things. Something I'm working towards.

[@BruceWayne-us3kw]

I would definitely consider the ability to convey complex concepts in a simple way to be a gift.

[@TheRavenLilian]

I have dyslexia and I feel like a lot of this advice applies for this disability to. And even though I have a lot of trouble with reading I'm fairly good at writing especially if I have accessibility tools. And I have excellent pattern recognition skills. I'm also so good at baking that I've gotten to the point where I can experiment with recipes and it's not a complete disaster.

[@mascotwithadinosaur9353]

It's great to hear that advice for one thing can also apply to another! It's like meds that were made for one purpose that also happen to work for other things as well

[@theoldaccountthatiusedtous6767]

Hello fellow non-ADHD person who nevertheless got a lot out of this video!

[@annafantasia]

Dude props, baking is hard, and experimenting with it is even harder! That’s an amazing skill! 👏🏻

[@jackiefernandez8080]

You are SO good at being you! You are kind, your empathy is palpable. You make so many people stop beating themselves up and realizing the "Ya, I count too, and bring so much to the table that others can't." In my job i am a retention agent for a well known cable company. This means when someone has 'HAD ENOUGH I WANT TO CANCEL', they get me. It's NOT an easy job. But i am SO good at. Empathy, humor, generosity, ability to have a conversation with just about anybody, are all my strengths- and what is reqired for this job. NOW- If I could only not call out once every two weeks or once a month...i'd be the perfect employee!

[@lexarey9479]

I was diagnosed as an adult. I'm having a really tough time at the moment and I don't know who to speak to so I just need to get this down somewhere. I'm having a bit of a breakdown at the moment and spend nights wishing I could just be "normal". My husband is your typical neurotype and things seem so easy to him and I'm drowning. I left my meds because I felt like it was affecting my personality and like my feelings were numbed down. But living without it is torture. My worst problem at the moment is getting ready in the mornings.. doesn't matter how hard I try I just can't seem to leave my house in time in the morning so I'm always like 2 hours late. I try to set reminders and have lists but It doesn't help when it goes well for 2 weeks and then I need a list to remind me to make a list. I'm always exhausted like I'm running after myself trying to pick up after myself doing damage control after I've missed deadlines. Some deadlines on work projects I forgot I had the day after I got them.. sorry for the ranting.. It just helps talking to people that actually understand my struggles. Some days it's hard to be positive.

[@bonessasan]

I am the unofficial go-to person for questions about a few different topics at work. If I don't know the answer, I usually know who does or where it might be found. I have tons of reference material, mostly electronic (gotta externalize that knowledge!).

[@TheCloudyoshi]

Same!! I didn't even intend for it to happen at my job. But I like helping people and I've been there longer than most of my team

[@texasseastar]

I've always been that person at every job I've ever had. I was always so afraid of failing that I over-learned everything at every job. I can't tell you what I ate for lunch yesterday, but I have an encyclopedic knowledge of "company" history. And I'm also great at useless trivia; the kind of stuff that you had to just memorize before the internet came along.

[@plurnagaoithe]

I really admire how you struggled with “normal” employment like I did, so you went and built your own job making fun, educational videos that help others, then built your own company that even employs other people. That is a HUGE accomplishment that most people could not successfully do, and that takes a lot of perseverance, entrepreneurial spirit, and vision. I’m willing to bet your desire to help others, self-awareness, ability to delegate, and willingness to recognize others for their strengths makes you an awesome boss. You’ve accomplished an awful lot, so even if you didn’t do it “perfectly”, I hope you can take some joy in all the things you’ve created, all while working harder than neurotypical folks to get there. Thanks for what you do.

[@ProductEvaluator.]

1000% this 👏👏👏👏👏

[@Dancestar1981]

Thanks to you Jess and to Rick I got my preliminary diagnosis in February this year age 40 and a follow up with an ADHD psychiatrist to come

[@rileyackison4495]

Thank you. This feeling of not knowing what you are good at is ridiculous. But it’s what many of us feel. I know I’m bad at organization, I know I’m bad at keeping my room clean. Heck I show up to work minimum of 20 minutes early every day for fear of being late, so that I can take the time to put my mind at ease and switch gears so that my first hour of work isn’t completely filled with anxiety. I know I’m good at things, but I can’t for the life of me describe what they are. My dad says “you’re 27 years old. You need to go live your life.” He’s the most kind and loving person you’ll meet. He’s kind to a fault. So don’t take that the wrong way. It is so hard to change from making the bare minimum because I am so scared of failure. This world puts so much emphasis on being financially successful but does everything it can to keep you at the poverty line.

[@breezybears]

Yes! It’s just so exhausting thinking about staying focused on one topic at a time. Work days leave my brain so fatigued at a level that feels somewhat depressing at the end of the day. I always feel the best when I accomplish a task, as dumb as that sounds. If I get the kitchen clean, I feel good and no anxiety. If I finish a painting, I feel accomplished. If I got to work on time and remember to eat lunch, that is an accomplishment. So glad I’m not the only one when for the longest time I would over think and wonder why I feel like an outcast and people perceive me weird.

[@Dindonmasker]

"Holding a job for more then 2 years without getting bored" ouch.

[@Jehzell963]

That was me as an RN. I get so bored at a job after two years I’d move on. I had a lot of jobs in 25 years. ADHD but still I was a good RN. It’s the one area where I could focus, most of the time… LOL

[@0n344]

* 2 months ;)

[@andrewjames1366]

Try education. It’s never boring.

[@daviddraw3468]

I can barely hold one for 6 months without getting bored and extremely frustrated till I just quit..

[@ahmedmamdouh3964]

When I was 17 I thought that's how everyone felt after 2 years in the same job and that's why everyone is pissed at life, it seems Nero divergent are over doing when it comes to describing their suffering

[@alisonbarlow7836]

You are fawesome at explaining the struggles of ADHD and with being real, you don't deny the struggles with ADHD and you make other people with ADHD feel validated

[@nathanieljames7462]

Fawesome 🤣 Using this asap

[@alisonbarlow7836]

@@nathanieljames7462 ohh I just saw the typo lol! I didn't know what you were referring to at first. 😂😂

[@Plethorality]

@@alisonbarlow7836 and your photo is gorgeous! brilliant smile!

[@abigaildm626]

The fact that you were able to show us your vulnerability and a breakdown says so much. I hate letting people see me break down so much to the fact that I try to be strong. If I feel like I'm about to break down then I end up shutting down. I try to do what is asked of me but sometimes it just stops before I can do it. I am a musician. I'm really good at singing and playing instruments, yet I still compare myself to other musicians. I'm expected to be able to sing without a piano and yet I can't trust myself to be singing the right notes. I have been told by many professors that I am very academic when I'm singing. This is mostly because I'm afraid of being wrong. The fear behind being wrong has stopped me so many times that I haven't been able to live up to my full potential. I was just diagnosed in August (2021) with ADHD and GAD at being 20 years old.

[@larrybrnjac4337]

I got my diagnosis at 55. It was not a shock in one way, but in another, there were a million "what ifs" that took some time to deal with. One of them was feeling so inferior so often because I really knew I was "different" for so many years. And an imposter. So many odd and stray thoughts. Thank you, Jessica, for your great work. I am good at many things- finally, I can say that with confidence! Cheers.

[@gothboschincarnate3931]

it took me a full year of meditation to get thru the "what ifs".

[@healinggamer]

Thank you for this. My husband has severe ADHD and has been told his whole life what he is bad at. I have been trying to convince him there are lots of things that he is good at, but sometimes he needs to hear it from someone other than me.

[@Margar02]

Yeah, like himself! 🧡

[@the-earl-of-whatever]

There's no such thing as "more severe" ADHD. Someone struggling with it a lot doesn't mean there are different severities of it. That being said, kudos to you for being such a supportive spouse. I wish mine would voice his pride in my accomplishments and victories more than just reminding me when I've made a mistake or forgotten something. :(

[@violeta6846]

@@the-earl-of-whatever idk I've seen people this that can blend in vs someone that can not. Blending in vs not is what severity means,no??

[@samuelbamiteko9519]

Is it hard being the spouse of adhd

[@the-earl-of-whatever]

@@violeta6846 an ability to blend in with neurotypical people is a coping mechanism. It is a performance so we can "pass" as neurotypical in the world. It's not an indicator that we have "less" ADHD. It's simply a way we've learned to perform. It's actually quite exhausting and can have lasting harm if used too much. It's often referred to in the ND community as "masking." Look it up and educate yourself. :)

[@ericasmith5531]

I’m applying for jobs today. It’s hard to feel confident in my approach if I don’t know what I’m good at or can’t readily express it to a recruiter. Thanks for this reminder ❤️

[@HowtoADHD]

Yeah, we kind of have to rehearse it. It's so easy to not see it or to forget and freeze up when we're put on the spot. BTW if you need work accommodations this is a FANTASTIC resource: askjan.org/disabilities/Attention-Deficit-Hyperactivity-Disorder-AD-HD.cfm

[@heatherhendren6243]

Going through the same thing. Been so long since I worked and held a job even though it was a sheltered workshop. I don't know what I am good at or can do anymore

[@Yurusan717]

Fresh grad and also applying for jobs Can't come up with what I'm good at when a friend tried rehearsing interview with me

[@DrMarathon]

@@HowtoADHD the considerations towards the end of the askjan work accommodation link are interesting, not only for for the employers but for me too. Having the concise dot points makes it easier to think about scenarios to put them In play. I too am unfortunately looking for my next role 😑

[@jayconrad6162]

Look at what you enjoy doing. What about it was fun or stimulating? That should get you going in the right direction!

[@xxDarkGregxx]

"Finding the value of others" & "Working hard to make up the fact I'm not good..." I come into work pretty much every day late from helping my family with their morning routines before I leave for work. I almost always the moment I clock in be in a rush productivity mode. Like I have to hurry up to make up the time lost being late. This one really hit home & made me tear up.

[@AaronWoodburn]

I'm good at building habits to crutch my motivation. I'm a good at concepting and writing stories I'm good at working with creative people to develop a shared vision I'm good at designing, building, and testing novel machines ...and now i'm sobbing... i have never had someone understand me like this 😢

[@heleni0]

I'm extremely grateful for your ability to explain things as simply as possible 😂 Please continue doing that.

[@HowtoADHD]

Thank you!! I honestly have to cause it helps me understand it better myself 😆

[@heleni0]

I'm trying to think of things I'm good at. Turns out it is as hard as you made it look.

[@nervengewitter]

@@HowtoADHD Yeah, I also feel like the need to analyze, organize and simplify information is in part an ADHD coping mechanism some of us have developed out of sheer necessity. I definitely have, because otherwise I would be in constant overload.

[@dawnpaoloabes6513]

"We have to find other ways to measure our value" 🥺 I will.

[@brentjames9388]

64 year old man here, diagnosis’s ADHD 13 months ago. I just found your channel, you are a joy to listen to.

[@morganalayna4247]

Finding your channel has saved my life. I was diagnosed this year (23 years old) after going my whole life thinking that maybe I was just lazy, or going to be depressed and feel worthless forever. I’m working on changing my perception of myself, thanks to your channel. ❤️

[@Ebspired]

A few days ago I was praising someone for how gifted they were. They flipped the script and asked me what I’m gifted in and I truly struggled to tell them. I really got emotional as you began to list what you’re good at. We so easily find value in other people, but I’m going to implement finding the value in myself. Thank you for this 🙏🏾

[@ViNuzlocke]

I feel like it's easier to find the things others are good at because we have ourselves to use as a reference. I'm not good at organization, so I'm amazed that someone else is and can easily point it out. But finding something I'm good at? That's hard because I can't always observe other people's skills to see where I'm at in comparison. I can tell that my singing ability is better than most people I've met, but is my ability to think of several possible paths toward a goal and weed out certain ones as new information comes in actually a skill that I'm good at? Or is this something everyone can easily do? I can observe that I'm a faster typist than many people, but how am I supposed to compare something like creativity or other abstract ideas?

[@emmymorris7648]

I’m a good writer, reader and photographer! 📸📸 I am good at noticing little details like the first leaf that’s starting to change color in fall when everything else is still green seen a butterfly or a squirrel climb up a tree or a bird in the distance that no one else saw until I pointed it out and started to take pictures of it 🐦🐦 I am a good listener and I am a good friend that can be there for people through ups and downs with a lot of heart and empathy and compassion, caring, acceptance and love ❤️❤️ I’m good at making people laugh when they’re worried about some thing they’ve had a stressful day at work and I’m good about noticing and appreciating all “the little things” that so many other people take for granted like how beautiful the clouds and that amazing sunset were or how much our dog smiles and wags his tail as soon as we get home from something and just makes her faces light up with so much joy! 🐕🐕 I am good at helping build people up when they’re tearing themselves down because I’ve been there and I’ve done that to myself more times than I can count and it took me years to realize that there was a way to extend that same grace and compassion to myself that I always instinctively gave to my friends without question but then when I had a bad day I would blame myself for being human. But now I’m good at pointing out the things I’ve done today that were difficult or were accomplishments what they were big or small and the tough struggles that I’ve gotten through when my health has taken another knock and I am good at building myself up the way I try to do with my friends when they’ve had a bad day instead of blaming myself for being human and being overwhelmed with difficult situations as anyone would be. I’m good at valuing the parts of me that are creative and the “out of the box” thinking parts, and I’m good at enjoying and firing those parts of myself whether others value that or not and then when I find others that do those are the people that I keep in my life because they accept me as I am just as I love and accept them for whoever they are. I am also glad to say that I am now good at standing up for myself and making sure my boundary stay intact and walking away from people and situations that repeatedly would try to pull those boundaries that have been communicated to them very clearly more than once that showed they cared more about getting their own way and they did about respecting me and my boundaries and I finally learned to stand up for myself was a good thing and walking away and not feeling guilty for doing what was best for me was also a good thing and I’ve gotten good at that over the years with a lotta practice! I am also glad to say that I am now good at standing up for myself and making sure my boundaries stay intact and walking away from people and situations that repeatedly would try to pull those boundaries that have been communicated to them very clearly more than once that showed they cared more about getting their own way and they did about respecting me and my boundaries and I finally learned to stand up for myself was a good thing and walking away and not feeling guilt for doing what was best for me was also a good thing and I’ve gotten good at that over the years with a lotta practice I’m good at remembering people’s favorite animals favorite flowers favorite colors even if I don’t always remember their birthday because that’s number related I need alarms in my Calendar phone or Facebook to tell me it’s their birthday unless it’s like my parents or something. I used to think not being able to remember everybody’s birthdays and phone numbers except for a few people that I know called all the time was of bad flaw and then we had smart phones and they could remember all the stuff anyway and I realized that using smart phones in the alarms in the calendars and things available to us and those alerts to remember someone’s birthday wasn’t the end of the world and the fact that I could remember their favorite flower in their favorite animal and the stories of why those are their favorites and pick out the right gifts for them meant more than whether I was aware when I woke up that day it was their birthday until I got the alert or not not.I used to think not being able to remember everybody’s birthdays and phone numbers except for a few people that I you know called all the time was a bad flaw and then we had smart phones and they could remember all the stuff anyway and I realized that using smart phones in the alarms and the calendars and things available to us and those alerts to remember someone’s birthday wasn’t the end of the world and the fact that I could remember their favorite flower and their favorite animal and the stories of why those are their favorites and pick out the right gifts for them meant more than whether I was aware when I woke up that day it was their birthday until I got the alert or not. I would not have class five remembering people’s favorite colors and flowers and animals as a strength a few years ago until people started telling me that they couldn’t believe that I always remembered that this flower was their favorite or I found a picture or a gift related to their favorite flower their favorite animal and shared it with them when they were having a bad day and how much that meant to them and now I realize that is something I’m good at and that is definitely a strength! 💜💜

[@Hyperhedgehog17]

Never sell yourselves short! Often when you're doing stuff with other people they sometimes point out little things that you are good at, and it's usually good to listen to that and remember it later on. It doesn't matter if it's something like being kind or something like being incredibly productive when having a deadline, it's still a strength and something we should be proud of!

[@glassesface6544]

"hold down a job for more than 2 years without getting bored" really hit home for me as someone who had 4 jobs in 8 years

[@glassesface6544]

@punker88 legit i just get bored lol. i think my problem is i keep getting jobs i don’t mind instead of jobs that i actually like

[@wavelength450]

“I’ll be an adult when…” this phrase have always been on the back of my my mind, but recently I’ve been trying to change that and accept that it’s okay to be different. This video is extremely encouraging! Thank you for all that you do!

[@coffeeconfessor4747]

Oof... as a non-traditional student, this hit home super hard.

[@mariezguitar5029]

At 50+, I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. 🤣🤣🤣

[@heidithomas6935]

@@mariezguitar5029 Same here!

[@Aerylia]

I've always thought: "I'm an adult when I am 18" now, 10 years of being an adult with ADHD,.I praise myself every day for brushing my teeth, making a meal, doing the laundry, spending time working (even though I don't feel like I achieved anything because of 20 emails). If you struggle to do something and get it done, that is success! Whether that is being on time for a meeting you planned to be 2 hours early for, basic self care stuff, or creating new algorithms for quantum computers (I guess not everyone relates to that last one). Your not judging blind people for their ability to identify colors, this is no different.

[@Lennroe]

You know what really resonated with me was when you said we fail so often because we try to do so much. That's so true. I often talked about ADHD in sense of how important it is for a Brain to learn how to fail correctly, know when to quit, know what you learned and how it brings you further and just get up again as soon as you can. And that because of delayed gratification and breaking tasks down and getting distracted we fail couple of times on a way to reach a goal that once we finally reach the goal we don't count it as success anymore, because it took so many steps and we failed at the small steps. So when we look back we see, I failed here and there and my peers didn't. They didn't because they never tried to do these things, they were doing one of them and maybe didn't fail, but we may have accomplished 3 things along the way, but because we were pursuing ten, it feels like failure. So I am often so surprised when people are impressed with me, because my goal was so much higher than what I did, that I don't really realize I accomplished something on the way there.

[@deviantlegion]

"I decided to explore my creative side more". It's one thing that I do kick myself a bit over is, at school, I dropped art at 13yrs seeing no use for it. One of the art teachers found me at the beginning of the following year and got really annoyed at me because i was "one of the most natural artists she'd ever taught". Roll on 30 odd years and finally getting diagnosed I'm now, like you, exploring my creative side and making 3D models for tabletop wargaming. On one hand I wish I'd have taken what she said to heart and tried to pursue my creative side, on the other all the practical things I've done in life has given me an appreciation of mechanical engineering, the practicality of building things, experience to know what challenges people have making models and now the ability to make something that looks good (I hope), fits together well, looks like it should actually function as it should, and, if everything goes to plan, I'll be able to 3D print as 1 part but still have the joints articulated. This is what I'm finding I'm best at, applying my problem solving skills to my creativity, to make something that I can be damn proud of and hopefully will give people hours of joy painting and gaming with.

[@polaris.wesche]

My school almost got rid of my 504 plan because I was doing really well online. In person I’m in competition with the other class mates and cant focus on the work. I love the effort you put into these videos.

[@ghostscript2044]

I’m the same way. I also struggle with borderline narcolepsy and found that online learning is much easier for me.

[@elfrog98]

Husband: are you crying? Me: yeah, Jess made a good video

[@harryz5442]

Same 😅

[@littlestarshepherd]

OMG So much! I cried a lot! I'm kinda glad I'm not the only one who felt it. ♥

[@elfrog98]

I know right? It feels good to feel validated

[@gringa23]

Hugs 🤗

[@smithmusicstudies]

My sister is extremely organized and keeps an orderly and lovely home that I often envy. I remember a turning point for me was I was bemoaning my failures in housekeeping and she stated to me, "You know, I had a few years head start in homemaking. You were working a full time job when you first got married and I had no job other than caring for the home. Also, you're an extremely creative person. I don't think it is bad for you if not everything was organized." It really helped me see that I have a distorted sense of time and don't appreciate the skills that I do offer.

[@marycarlson7464]

It’s so beautiful seeing you come to self discovery. How you say these feelings are so relatable. Your vulnerability is a skill.

[@SuperGoose42]

Without watching the video yet, I'll answer the title question: because everyone around us holds us to those standards.

[@HowtoADHD]

accurate.

[@iditrirajan]

which would change hopefully

[@SuperGoose42]

@@iditrirajan not in my community, unfortunately

[@HowtoADHD]

@@iditrirajan that's the hope, yeah :D

[@iditrirajan]

@@SuperGoose42 people felt like this when women fought for voting rights 60 years ago but here we are. Things would change. We can hope and put efforts into changing standards

[@jamisonlamkin5576]

Yesterday I was asked "When are you going to get some new tires?" and it perfectly ties into everything said here, especially how it made me feel and my defensive response.

[@matthewgoodson9275]

Strange how it’s the small things, a lot of the time, that give us these realizations.

[@DonaldBurdek]

I stumbled across your videos quite by accident, I wasn't intentionally searching for the information, but apparently it was time for me to face it because I started watching with the ADHD and emotions video. I have suspected for the last 15-20 years I may have ADHD after learning more as I helped my kids deal with theirs. I am going to get professionally tested and possibly diagnosed.... Well eventually some time soon.... I have yet to see a video that has not touched me deep in my soul. This video hit me emotionally because I beat myself up constantly over every mistake. I take them extremely personal because "I know I'm better than the mistake made." Yet, I never give myself credit for what I've done right because "I just expect myself to do it right" especially familiar tasks. Thank you and keep up the great work. You're helping this old soul more than you know.

[@Veiled_Ventures]

Everytime I watch you, I feel like at least there's someone that exists that resonates with me. Thank you for being! You made me cry when I first started watching you. May God bless you.

[@ryguy69420]

A new subscriber after roughly three minutes. As a “perfectionist” and divergent who tries to live up to some far-fetched “standard”, this really hit home. To anyone reading this: pat yourself on the back no matter how “productive” you seemingly are.

[@4est980]

Part of me wonders if its perfectionism or anxiety in my case.

[@aminaawartani5969]

Hi Jess! I’m coming to you from Qatar, I have a job interview tomorrow and I needed to hear your words to feel like I’m not alone in my constant sense of failure. I do want you to know something: I am an Arab Muslim woman and we don’t talk much about adult ADHD where I’m from. Watching your channel is what lead me to seek the diagnosis I needed. That’s what you’re good at, you’re good at connecting to others even from miles away. You’re good at making people feel heard and seen, even when they can’t do that for themselves. You’re good at self-improvement as is evident in how nuanced the topics you discuss have become. Most importantly, you’re good at being yourself, which is a gift to so many of us, I say this as someone whose felt nothing but warmth every time I watch your videos. I hope you get to see this and really see just how monumental your impact has been on people’s lives even when they’re as far away as I, and so many followers on this channel, are.

[@TheAstrogrl]

100% everything you said about her is spot on. I don't think she realizes her value to us. I hope the interview went well for you!

[@gracecarter8734]

I'm only recently discovering I'm adhd and autistic. This channel is a lifeline! What you're good at is probably in common with everyone who is neurodivergent: resilient, resourceful, creative, determined, has a ton of grit to keep pushing through the slog of life in a neurotypical world, brave, honest, loving, insightful, intuitive, discerning. You specifically are incredibly resilient and creative which you've repeatedly demonstrated in making this channel, creating a home that is adhd friendly (that video may have been after this one), distilling complex information into a format that is adhd friendly, accurate, informative, vulnerable and brave. Dedicated - to an incredibly important cause. I could go on, but hopefully you'll read this list even thought it's a year after you posted this video and you can add to your list that is too short for the importance and truth of your life. I read once that the positive traits you value in others are either traits you already have or that you can achieve. If you look at your adhd friends and list their positive traits, take that list and look in the mirror - I bet a lot of them are yours as well.

[@summerdgaffney]

Jessica - the challenge suggested feels overwhelming. when I considered why I felt overwhelmed the concept of mirroring jumped into my head. Primates mirror from infancy onward, mirrored behaviors and the response from a primary caregiver signals our brains "you are good/bad, well done/poorly done..e.t.c". (and you probably know) that positive reinforcement releases dopamine (among others) and we 'feel' good and so seek more. Once I was at university for undergrad I began working on my honors' thesis and I recall my professor making comments about my advanced ability to simplify very complex information and then teach the information to others using methods that identified how others' learned best. Without recognizing this was a skill, like you mentioned, I immediately cut the praise into "no Dr. Smith, you just don't understand that I am simple and this is the only way I can understand things". Then, many years and a few degrees later, after hearing this type of praise repeated again and again, that I started to think --maybe not everyone can do this?, just maybe this isn't because I'm simple. in my career some of my deepest satisfaction comes while teaching patients and their families and watching that beautiful light come into their eyes when the information "clicks" as it were; that is when my huge hear swells and I remember making human connection what I stick around for.