Why does the narcissist LOVE the "COOL GIRL"?

[@taotaostrong]

A lot of “cool girls” present as strong, but they have no boundaries, people please, and do as they’re told. Narc paradise.

[@janislonsdaleleader3078]

Well said.

[@ethelsmith9626]

Thanks for the gut punch 😔

[@taotaostrong]

@@ethelsmith9626 I must respond. Please don’t take it as a gut punch. I’m actually extending a helping hand. The “cool girl” gets tricked into letting go of her truly cool self out of fear of being labeled a “Daria” or a “weird girl”. Let go of that fear. I suspect that the real you is pretty damn cool, and there are plenty of people who will confirm that if you let them. It takes energy to meet new people, but it also takes energy to constantly suppress the real you. If you’re going to burn calories either way, burn them running to the next chapter instead of treading water in a bad pool. Sending you love and strength.

[@rebecca9949]

As a reformed cool girl, can confirm

[@schmittyschmit4599]

I used to try to do this when I was around my mom. I could brush off anything no matter how rude it was, laugh at any mistreatment enacted very tomboyish to feel tough and untouchable.I remember feeling see down like something was wrong while I tried to brush off a lot of things under the rug. I pushed those uncomfortable feelings aside even more by boxing and running and more cool girl behavior. I was very mistrustful and reserved around other people. It wasn't until I moved out and had roommates that I began to find peace in not having to put up that kind of facade. When I came home to visit and wasn't the cool girl, I noticed I felt unaccepted and judged by my mom's silent treatment and critical comments about opinions or other topics that she did not agree with. I became more and more uncomfortable in her presence and it only got worse the more independent I became.

[@20ifyviri]

I think the "cool girl" was born by narcissistic men critizicing women for wanting respect and love. Because I remember being called neurotic, needy, crazy etc. Just for wanting respect and love. 😢

[@robinkholmes7127]

The "Cool Girl" monologue in the movie "Gone Girl"

[@m.maclellan7147]

If you have a Narcissistic parent, you are GROOMED for this !

[@qianxu6689]

So very true

[@nadiaazize2.0]

Agree with this so much!

[@martuciabeauty1713]

​@@robinkholmes7127know that in the movie the "Gone Girl" ,,,the real psychopath is Amy.....Amy is the narcissistic psychopath.

[@genevalawrence801]

I'd be willing to bet that behind a good many "cool girls" is a narcissistic parent who taught them early that having healthy expectations of others' behavior and consideration for them was selfish.

[@sadiamufti8890]

Soooo true😢

[@HLBear]

Yes, I agree. ❤

[@kates4089]

For sure.

[@_Renee2]

You lost your voice long before entering an intimate relationship and never learned how to advocate for yourself. Doing so meant you were disrespectful and ungrateful.

[@BooDotBoo]

Yep, and my mother is still this way. Yes, she taught me a lot of bad about relationships and I'm glad I've learned boundaries and speaking up because she really taught me not to in fear of losing love or access to things she was supposed to do for me as a parent who "loved" me, anyway. You can just imagine how that showed up in relationships with other people.

[@bnymboida3562]

I've always been the cool girl. I ended up chronically ill.

[@charmedLune]

Check out Medical Medium, he will be helpful to you:)

[@Sidera17]

Same. I am so sorry to hear it. People keep saying there is a psychological/neurological/immunological link, and there probably is, like stress primes the body wrong and then a pathogen is the trigger. I hope you can recover or stabilize.

[@harmonyvaneaton4101]

ditto

[@beemayhemful]

Oh hello, hi, it's me. Yep. Interestingly, the narc that raised me is so obsessed with the Cool Girl she also tries to be one at all costs. Also chronically ill. And yet. 😬

[@monica-IX]

Wow me too

[@healingwavehypnosis]

I used to be a cool girl. Now I’m a difficult woman. And I’m so much happier! My relationships with men are very much on my and our terms now. Not theirs.

[@angelicamaster7764]

It's exhausting trying to be cool with a Narcissist. The body starts to rebel with rashes, weight loss, sudden attacks of nausea, anxiety, insomnia.... Until you learn this is toxic .

[@megminor13]

Oh that’s what was causing the physical shit.

[@Ina-wn7jd]

Right

[@AL-dy1lj]

Wowowowow just exactly as it happened

[@sciencenotsrigma]

Yes…it completely wrecked my health, to be asked to ignore all my internal rhythms and needs.

[@narlywaves2371]

THIS! people tell you to just unbothered. But, that actually becomes exhausting. It's amazing how mentally stunted people are about these things. Right, you start acting robotic. Or, you have to start acting manic and fake happiness. All of this taxing on you mentally. And for some physically.

[@cinemaocd1752]

"THey want a girl who likes every effing thing they like and never complains"--the Cool Girl monologue from Gone Girl.

[@robinkholmes7127]

I thought about that monologue too

[@kellyhayden7244]

This!

[@paulaqueirosz]

Cool girl is hot. Cool girl is game. Cool girl is fun. Cool girl never gets angry at her man.

[@HeatherHavenwood]

Wow

[@theeditor1149]

I was thinking the same thing! One of the most honest things I'd ever read was that monologue. It's sad that it's still true.

[@suesilva5252]

Cool = doormat/people pleaser

[@Z1nny]

💯

[@ashleywalker1411]

Not at all. Cool girls play on their game level. They are alpha females.

[@songbird8404]

@@ashleywalker1411there’s no such thing as an alpha female. Don’t believe me? Talk to a “cool girl” that’s in her 60’s, 70’s, or 80’s. Can’t find none you say??? Because they’re DEAD because their organs failed due to alcohol abuse, or AIDS. They’re sitting in a home ALONE and MISERABLE because their kids HATE THEM. They’re living with some old ass pervert who’s cheating on them with prostitutes or somebody’s 15 year old that they’re grooming…maybe even that “cool girls” daughter OR SON and they’re still tryna be “cool” so they play it off like nothings happening. They’re hanging with women half their age tryna hold on to their youth. But you know…they’re alpha 🤷🏽‍♀️

[@aleksandrasotirovic277]

Doormat is your old brain

[@Fierie333]

@@ashleywalker1411not necessarily, they can be aware and play it or they can be conditioned to self abandon their boundaries - no boundaries at all, ppl pleasing…

[@missoliviajordan]

Basically why men look for much younger partners

[@moa9677]

As someone who is in an age-gap relationship as an adult, it really depends on the man you're seeing. The first red-flag is when he haven't been married or has any children. That proves that no woman in his own age wants him (or for whatever reason). The second one is that he belittles you (they don't see you at their level). The third one is you see a pattern of him always seeing and dating younger women in the past. In my case, my boyfriend doesn’t have any of these red flags. I'm a stepmother. His ex is in his age, and so on.

[@Iwillsurvive95]

I read a post on reddit that's like, women their age wouldn't accept their bs (Like not paying bills or lying, no actual future life commitments just "seeing how things go" while u think you're on the road to marriage but they just have a hot 20 somethings roommate that cheapens their rent bill)

[@andrei2652]

No. I'm past 30. I wouldn't be looking for a younger woman to abuse. I would never spit at a woman my own age, I didn't waste my younger years fucking around, even when I could. Hypocrites.

[@lornocford6482]

It happens in all age differences. Don't think that because you're similar ages that it won't happen.

[@stellanzula8146]

I fell for it..I am 33 his 58 yrs ..he is sucking the shit out of me

[@katja6332]

I was a cool girl and was raised by a narcissist mom who molded me into someone who will excuse everything she did and not raising my voice and calling her out. When I learned in therapy that my mom's a narcissist and I was allowed to have needs, my self centered then boyfriend was freaking out because I was suddenly "uncomfortable and mean and selfish and yelling and a psychopathic maniac", judging by his reality, while my therapist was laid back and proud of me to finally get angry and confronted both with their bullying and gaining my voice back. Boy, both hated it and I was sued by mom and I had to pay her lawyers fee after she died,.. If you regain your voice, be prepared for starting a war!!

[@LinYouToo]

I went through something very very similar and you’re right. They get aggressive and angry for us expressing our needs because we’re not supposed to have any.

[@ayeshasajid1833]

@katja6332 @linYouToo more power to both of you🤗🤗

[@Crisjola]

I’m noticing a pattern of narcs and those trained by narcs to still be flying monkeys and etc, that the _moment_ you find your voice, suddenly _you’re_ the psychopathic one. Actively, and _explicitly_ worded as being psychopathic and potentially unsafe around other people (as a way to guilt and shame you into returning to either Cool Girl or their particular brand of Manic Pixie Dream Girl). It was a _complete_ death-knell for the remainder of the narcissists in my life (I’m very lucky to have an SO who is not and neither is his immediate family of origin), when a piece of media I already adore handed me the phrase “Manic Pixie Dream Assassin.” (The joke being that the unfeeling psycho who clearly fell in love with the unmotivated female to motivate her to go out and live for herself, was not an unfeeling monster as he thought he was, he just wasn’t _written_ to be anything more than _her_ manic pixie dream girl. Of course, it was fascinating to have the trope recognized under an entirely different set of gendered stereotypes.)

[@namoamitofo646]

I started many wars in these few years with my ex and my narcissistic family members😂😂 gosh the rewards are lucrative. They get their bad karmas and you get to witness all of them, happen one by one hahahahaaha. I just wanted to remind you that if we truly are a pure loving innocent soul, we'll be protected by our spirits and that those who hurt us will get their bad karmas in return. Because we reap what we sow.

[@maricelasalgado86]

⁠@@namoamitofo646omg hell yeah I’ve been going through that 😂😂😂 it’s funny to watch because I’m like that’s what y’all get for trying to fuck with me! Our spirits will take care of it all

[@LValley-kz3yc]

Narcissists SHOP for their victims. They align themselves to their victims. They watch and ask questions, then appear to have the same things in common. It is very important to not listen but OBSERVE the shark before you are consumed.

[@Blackamazon_]

THIS THIS This !!

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

💯 👏 ❤

[@christinelamb1167]

Pretending to have the same things in common, yes! That's a huge red flag for me now! The last guy I dated "appeared" to have so much in common with me, seemed to like/dislike the same things, seemed to have the same viewpoints. The key word is "seemed". It was all an act, which I found out slowly over months. Fortunately, it only took me 9 months to figure out who and what he was, instead of years and years. They can only keep the mask on for so long, before it begins to slip, and their true self emerges. Beware that person who seems to be a "soulmate", and has everything in common with you. They're just playing a role, it's all an act! They do indeed SHOP for their victims. For myself, I have to be very careful about sharing too much of myself early in a relationship. Narcs look for vulnerabilities, and they will use it against you later on. It is best to wait to share sensitive things with anyone, until you know them very well. Until they have proven they are NOT a narc, and it is safe to let your guard down!

[@elcee7800]

🎯🎯🎯🎯

[@Xr2-8fan_810]

Huge Truth Here! This! Narcs peruse our social media accounts that might only amount to archives of pictures that the person can't keep hard copies of. Try to archive or private pictures. Narcs will monopolize upon and manipulate about content from the pictures to make you think it's chemistry when it's only familiarity. Dr Ramani was so good to say chemistry is familiarity. She demystified narcissists. I can't wait to buy her new book.

[@the.toxic.phoenix]

Society conditions women to be "cool" and "low maintenance". Any needs we have or if we use our choice then we're "controlling" or "high maintenance" or neurotic/sensitive/hormonal etc. And yes, that's the plan. They want men to sign up to the servitude

[@louiselincoln]

The thing I find fascinating about this is how sexually motivated narcissism can be. If a woman turns down sexual relations, she's a 'prude' or a 'cold fish'. But if she agrees, she is 'slutty' or 'easy'. These predatory terms are so sick.

[@the.toxic.phoenix]

@@louiselincoln that's a real paradox for sure, but not always a narcissistic trait. Women can say those things about other women too, because it's what we see on TV etc. Most things are like that for women, bottle vs breast either way mums get critism, etc.

[@amuseinthecraftroom6257]

So close. The word is misogyny, and it's so ingrained in society that it infects men and women.

[@angieangie991]

Patriarchy and misogyny are rooted in narcissism.

[@fuzzyx2face]

When I confronted my ex about cheating he called me controlling

[@finster1968]

I find that “cool girl” is a more complimentary term for “doormat”. This was the dynamic my parents had. Everyone absolutely loved my mother. She was bubbly, sweet, and fun. And dare I say, probably “cool” to a lot of people. Behind the scenes, she walked on egg shells around my verbally abusive and sadistically cruel father. I’m so glad I found this channel and finally understand the dynamic.

[@sailorspills3025]

The book “why men love bitches” says it’s about not being a doormat.. however the book is all about how to be a doormat 😂 ironic

[@carolynwilson7736]

Your poor Mum

[@TheKrispyfort]

Someone needs to design a doormat with "the Cool Girl" printed on it. Or a doormat brand called "Cool Girl" Because you're analysis is spot on

[@TheIsraelProphetess]

This is exactly how I was my whole life. Bubbly and fun. Easy going. Put up with everything. I’m 35 years old now and I feel like I’m finally learning to stop being the “cool girl”. Because all it has done is make me a target.

[@melaniesmith9849]

@@TheIsraelProphetessSAME

[@jessicawerling9495]

Whoa - "That's not a relationship, that's servitude " 😮 🤯 mind blown!

[@krisgi00710]

"In a healthy relationship, each partner is a custodian of the vulnerabilities of the other person." So beautiful.... but narcissists do not show their vulnerabilities to anyone, and they weaponize those of their partners.

[@ms.annthropic6341]

They don’t show their vulnerabilities, but their vulnerabilities absolutely are visible to anyone paying attention. They’ll deny it but it can still be seen.

[@Portia620]

Yep!!

[@cytheriacatt452]

I think many of us have gone through the 'cool girl' phase, thinking it would keep the man, but then realised it never got us anywhere. I shudder at the things I previously tolerated all because I didn't want to make a fuss.

[@One_and_Justice_4_All]

💯🫶🏼 Right there with you ❣️

[@kt45026]

💯💔

[@lynnp456]

Wordd

[@katie6596]

Exactly

[@julzrose1111]

Yup. I know better now. Only took 36 years to learn 😂

[@1stBorn538]

My ex had the nerve to say, " He loved the attention we got while out in public".... Narcs wanna be with anyone that'll get them the attention they would never receive by themselves...it's all about image

[@publicserviceannouncement4777]

Yep

[@Cutie14312]

So true

[@Freespiritedqueen]

WITNESSED IT MYSELF! Married to it.

[@1stBorn538]

@Freespiritedqueen TY...glad I'm not the only one

[@Em-im1yz]

My ex said tbe same 😮

[@Lilandra81]

He LITERALLY said he valued me because “you don’t hold long-term grudges, only short-term ones” and “even when I disappear, you have me back”. The SECOND I cut the cool girl act and asked for clarification about the relationship, he was out of there.

[@rexiemoto]

That is the very reason we all need to be straight forward with what we want, or like you did, ask them to clarify their intentions. If we do that right up front, we save time if they are not the one.

[@TheKrispyfort]

Geez. Do we have the same ex?

[@Lilandra81]

@@TheKrispyfort it’s uncanny, how alike these guys are!

[@hjio3995]

Ugh yeah I got “all my friends tell me to leave you but why wouldn’t I stay when you keep having me back”

[@kandiaking9677]

When i asked why he loves me, he said I am his peace. Just another way of saying I don't rock the boat.

[@ArmandoTrochez-tk5sb]

After so much struggles I now own a new house and my family is happy once again everything is finally falling into place!!

[@Teresa-France]

I'm 37 and have been looking for ways to be successful, please how??

[@ArmandoTrochez-tk5sb]

Thanks to my co-worker (Alex) who suggested Ms Claudia Vecchi Nese .

[@ArmandoTrochez-tk5sb]

She's a licensed broker in the states 🇺🇸

[@ArmandoTrochez-tk5sb]

After I raised up to 325k trading with her I bought a new House and a car here in the states 🇺🇸🇺🇸 also paid for my son's surgery (Oscar). Glory to God.shalom.

[@Mary-L.Reyes23]

Great to see you guys talking about her, she changed the game for me.

[@subliminalbeauty4301]

What do you do when your mother is the narcissistic person and you are the cool daughter...and waste your life trying to figure out how to be loved by your mom. I feel exhausted, betrayed, abused and sick and beyond tired

[@Carmen-mp3je]

The “cool girl” culture pisses me off!!! Because I was raised like that, thinking that we women have to be “strong” and don’t care about feelings and being “open” and don’t “make a fuss” and I fell SO many times with jerks but in the culture we live in that’s what “makes you attractive”.

[@tiffanymoore6763]

If I have to go without my needs met for the sake of being attractive to someone who uses me I’d rather be alone.

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

I love the ‘it’s not about being cool but being real’. If I feel it’s hard to ‘be real’ around someone, and/or healthy, then I take a step back. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@123isi321]

Really healthy

[@Mindsetoffaith]

One time he was so proud of me, he said because I had finally learned to “control my emotions.” I was applauded for becoming his puppet, 4years and I had completely lost myself and senses. This helped me realize how disgusted he made me feel deep down

[@larahofmann4396]

wtf thats crazy

[@americawaters4257]

I was never cool with sharing. We were 15. He was a party boy and I was cool with that. We had a lot of fun when we were young. I grew up and he grew down over the next 35 years. He told me I wasn't cool anymore. I said, well I'm not in the 8th grade and I don't care about cool. He actually calls himself cool. It's like wisdom. I wise man doesn't have to tell others that he is wise.

[@cb9825]

OMG he must be 50 years old and still brags about being cool😂that's... Unfortunate.🤣

[@muhlaynee]

Every time I check in with Dr. Ramani, it's a healing moment. ❤❤❤

[@hanifakhan4808]

Same.

[@EmilyRamirezenergyinsights]

💯

[@ghadamohamed2463]

Yesss

[@janineruiz7028]

I had people laugh at me for being a “Pick me” and switched to “Cool Girl”… both soul crushing

[@destwho]

i am a victim of this. i was constantly praised for “not giving him a headache” and “not being like other girls” until i lost my damn mind and never spoke to him again

[@elcee7800]

Avoid people like that, they’re severely out of touch with reality, and you will pay the price.

[@fjdyyh2542]

Exactly...

[@nicholecornes1915]

You cant change them! Pull your energy back and let them go!

[@namedeleted5945]

I was the cool girl for far to long, not anymore, now I refer to the old me as the fool girl.

[@Fierie333]

also do not hate on the cool girl, gently guide her (as friends, closed ones). she often needs reassurance and to understand boundaries and ppl pleasing is not healthy

[@valtiel9]

I think sometimes it's not about being "cool", but about of the fear of rejection. When you learned at home that your needs are not important and you should not be a burden by asking for something that would make you feel good, you learn to keep everything for yourself and do everything by yourself. So maybe from the outside it looks like you are "cool", but in reality you are afraid of rejection and disappointment and you become a control freak when it comes to your own things.

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

I used to always be the ‘cool girl’ and it brought me heartbreak and trauma. It’s hard for me to not be overly independent because I had to be to survive. Learning to healthily express myself. If someone doesn’t respect my boundaries and needs then I now know they aren’t good for me. I’d rather be healthy than ‘cool’. Or perhaps the ‘new cool’ can be ‘healthily expressing our own wants needs feelings boundaries and value’. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@Artretha]

"The new cool" can be "healthily expressing our own wants, needs, feelings, boundaries, and value." I second this notion!

[@420lisia]

I relate girl it's nice to know others out there like myself ❤ keep ur head up stay strong !

[@interestedlistener8174]

I played the “cool girl “ for a while during what I now know was a narcissistic relationship. I think I did this to try and make him think he didn’t hurt me as much as he thought he did. I now know that he quickly used this to his advantage. I had never experienced any type of relationship like that and was quite naive. I learned the hard way how there are truly awful people out there that don’t care about my feelings. Being single and lonely can really set you up for settling for less. I learned the hard way that it just wasn’t worth it. I value myself more than I need to be with someone.

[@resurrectionkratos]

🫂

[@Armychick]

Wow… I was in love with someone when I was 19 and he was 24. I was everything to him and he treated me horribly until on day in 2007 I realized he was never going to marry me. I was now 38 with no children and family. I now have 15 year old twins and am grateful that I said no when he asked me to marry him. I was so stupid. He told me he would marry me when I got out of the army. I got out of the army and then he said he would marry me when I graduated college in 1998 at 30… no ring.. I walked away at 38. Please have enough courage to leave.

[@allymdavis731]

The narcissist doesn't just text a word or two in the beginning. They send what you want and in detail and depth. Then they start changing it up, so it isn't as easy to learn... oh they aren't texting or communicating as well as you'd like... they almost communicate perfectly in the beginning. 😢

[@sdaughtrey1205]

In the beginning, they listen to everything you want and say that's what they want too and you think you've met your soul mate but later it turns out that you were played

[@Dhyaam5989]

​@@sdaughtrey1205exactly Looking back I was so naive like my pre Him and post him would call me stupid but during him i couldn't see ir

[@China-129]

*“Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others.” ―Edward Abbey*

[@andron967]

Ed was very low key. He was looking for stories every time I was around him. He asked about what someone did. He'd sit down at a bar next ti you and the next thing you knew he was getting stories. He just told me he was a writer. I assumed he meant for magazines or advertising, LOL. This happened a few times. Later after I read the Monkey Wrench Gang, a friend said "you knew Ed". So and so is this character and this person is that character. Apparently he had a solution to writers block. He'd just walk over to the bar and find his stories. Rich life rich characters. Just find them.

[@AnneRGregory]

It almost sounds like a "cool girl" is almost the same as the push over. Or like I was the door mat. That was me. The push over. I took it and took it until I couldn't take it anymore. I finally learned to push back. The best part about it I tricked him into "dumping me" it was the only way to get him not to Guilt me into coming back it felt great to finally break free.

[@kates4089]

Same!! I told my therapist (who specializes in Cluster disorders) to be REALLY frank with me and tell me if she thought I had a disorder for purposely essentially breaking his veil of empathy for me and kinda “tricking” him to end the relationship. Because I had tried to leave multiple times and he held my cat hostage. So I never left. I know, funny but not funny. 4.5 years gone and I missed my chance to have a family. It was definitely the absolute most brutal discard and that part is hard to think about because I saw he was truly sociopathic as well as NPD. Anyway, my therapist said, “You did what you had to do to get out.”

[@AnneRGregory]

@@kates4089 You got out, the first step is always the hardest. I find myself dwelling on the past events from time to time too. For me it's been ten years (almost 11 now). But thankfully I have a wickedly good therapist and a great support system. So keep up the good work. And maybe someday the dwelling will feel more like a reflection and less like a regret. Or better yet he will be but a mere speck in the part of your life that was your past.

[@maricelasalgado86]

@@kates4089I’m wanting to get a therapist to talk about my “situationship” that is supposedly a “relationship” doesn’t feel like it and it’s been 1 1/2 years. I know what to do but hate getting sucked back in. I Can be a bit Narcissistic myself and I hate it because then I’ll be like who did it this time?? It’s complicated though becquse our egos are so high that when we clash , our hearts break and we can see our inner child deeply hurt. It sucks becquse that’s what makes us stay. I am more healed now and more healed than him so I can see his struggles. He’s able to let his guard down and his walls break becquse I somehow am capable of breaking them down. It’s sad becquse I truly love and understand him. He self sabotages soo much, just like I used to do in the past. I hope he actually does try and heal. I do not know how to leave him or make him leave me because we both come back after time passes. Sucks.

[@minakumari1515]

I was crying with each and every WORD of yours. Because I felt ashamed of myself for letting them do this to me.

[@costelloandlizzievolk2233]

My biggest fear in relationships was being ‘needy’, so was too cool for sure. Not sure why, guess cause my needs were shamed and ignored growing up a lot. Learning to value and healthily express my needs and see who respects them. I’d rather cut my losses and be healthy and real. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤

[@aishwaryajoglekar2983]

14.15 to 15.20 I am crying, not just as a fellow sufferer but also for the advise 'get there quicker than 60'.. just shows despite all pain endured you are a true empath.. you are wonderful person Dr. Ramani who is a safe space to many. Never forget that.

[@leegorringe5580]

Thank you for sharing Opened my eyes My cool girl just flew out of the window Left IS my authentic Me As always Thank you Dr Ramani

[@bevodonnell1191]

I've always wondered why being easy going seems attract the most difficult people.

[@GodTurnItAround]

I was brainwashed into "being cool" - it was my own wounded inner child who helped me see the light. For years and years I had been acting from that space, unaware. She was needing so much healing from sexual abuse to physical, emotional and psychological abuse. My psyche had been wired "wrong" and I had been inauthentic my whole life. My survival mechanism was "give them what they want" and to "smile and squash your own needs" because in being authentic all of a sudden you're boundaried up, you're not OK with crappy behavior, you're wanting and needing for the first time in your life, and you're told "I miss the old you"....Well she's gone! She was a doormat. She bulldozed herself. She gaslit herself. Authenticity is the solution, no matter how that makes you look to others. I learned this the hard way. It was devastating. I'm still finding my authentic self. It's so hard.

[@taoster3638]

Im sure the narcs loved the 60's and 70's hippy "cool girls" . I wish Id learned these lessons way back when too. Thanks Dr. Ramani for the great video and content.

[@Smarty2able]

I'm just learning a lot of people since my childhood tried to Make me uncomfortable with me being who I am and make fun of me. Now I know why.

[@websurfer5772]

My natal chart says, "You're like a gift to everyone else but that doesn't work out so well for you." - I considered myself to be a cool girl. Well, there are lessons to learn here. Thank you, Dr. Ramani. Namaste. 🙏

[@Diademischief]

I think there's a distinction between a performative "cool girl" and someone who genuinely is just lower maintenance. I'm genuinely unbothered and therefore like most personalities and people. It's hard to bug me. But I had to almost teach myself to be bothered by certain behaviors and to label them as bad in a relationship because I was too naiive about the implication of the behavior. I kept treating people like they didn't have evil motives then got taken advantage of. Now even if the action doesn't actually bother me, I know to really address the why of certain actions. Also ADHD, my emotional trauma memory has a short attention span. I had to start writing down when I was upset because I'd genuinely just get over it.

[@sonjajetti]

Like my narcissistic Ex would always say-" If you could just chill the f**** out, everything would be great,".

[@moniquejackson7741]

So Brilliant. There are so many of these behavioral paradigms that have been designed by Narcissists to create the perfect Supply: inert objects with no needs or preferences. It's a paradigm of servitude. You are so Great at this, Dr. Ramani! Thank you.

[@microdosenyc4515]

My ex the consent clown would use the phrase “easy as Sunday morning” to describe “cool girl.’

[@ElizabethJenny-xu3ky]

I suffered the borderline disorder for over 23 years. With so much anxiety Not until I came across psilocybin mushrooms treatmentPsilocybin treatment actually saved my life honestly. 6 years totally clean. Never thought I would be saying this about mushrooms

[@AnneRodrigo-fz6ks]

Microdosing helped me get out of the pit of my worst depressive episode, a three year long episodeenough to start working on my mental health

[@HealthyPriestessSophie]

Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Germany. Really need

[@Nicoleniccypal]

Yes, dr.porassss. I have the same experience with anxiety, depression, PTSD and addiction and Mushrooms definitely made a huge huge difference to why am clean today.

[@Vuitton-uj1hz]

The shroom experience stands as my most remarkable journey, an awe-inspiring encounter that left an indelible mark of amazement.

[@DamsonIdris-rh6sx]

Is he on instagram?

[@jennywenny8016]

Wow, just Wow. I never realized this before. You’re so right about this. When I’m the “cool girl” the narc loves me. When I confront or am not in that happy-go-lucky attitude, I’m accused of the worst things. Never realized I was playing the “cool girl” to just deal with this person, but that’s exactly what I am doing. I’ve found that all toxic people in my life respond well to this. So glad to see this so simply. Thank you yet again for all your great videos!

[@kyliemj11]

I prided myself on being “low-maintenance,” aka cool.

[@andreabetancor2457]

I also found that being “independent and confident” was one of the reasons he felt attracted in the first place and he even mentioned it but then complained about me not being jealous or not “caring enough” And I ended being so not confident and feeling so small when he left me without his lovebombing Stay safe 💖, if you are in your healing path, getting along with a narcissist can take a big part of that inner work down. But you have already started the glow up, and you can keep going. Trust yourself 🌻

[@jukeboxxgamer]

Currently a month away from being separated from my situation for good, and this one right here really hit like the truth. Thank you for sharing cause I feel like I'm not alone in realizing this and having to build myself back up! In fact, I'm excited to leave and be myself again. Even if I'm afraid and challenged the confidence will come back I'm sure.

[@urvashi-rb9qy]

they want to destroy us because they cant be us

[@KatHay27]

I just adore you, my really smart friend! You have helped me get out of a 7 year toxic rollercoaster of a relationship. It’s like he’s following a narcissist script. Your videos feel like they are tailored made for me. Thank You ❤

[@terrigoestiny2]

Omg, where were you 8 years ago! I am very guilty of this and just left my narcissistic relationship 7 months ago bc I couldn’t do it anymore. Was engaged but couldn’t go through to marriage. I knew something was soooo wrong! Thank you so much for giving me the vocabulary for what I’ve gone through. This is helping my healing process.

[@giedoce]

You are very strong for ending this relationship ❤ good luck with your healing journey

[@brendamiranda1040]

Crazy thing about Cools Girls: they don’t want cool guys by their side. It is too much freedom. For friendship okay. But for intimate relationships, they get lost around cool guys. It’s like the narc works as the perfect compliment, because the first impression is that he gives you the sense of direction and safety, although all of this have a really high cost. You basically need to give up your identity to make it work.

[@SS-bu8ez]

I've also wondered about that. I suppose people want to re-enact their traumas. The highs and lows cause dopamine hits, which can be addictive.

[@kiaray00]

I remember that in another channel the host had this same conversation about being “cool”. I commented that being cool was cemented in people-pleasing and low self-steem. And I clearly can attest because I was “cool” with a whole lot of things even if I was resentful or bitter. I was being laissez-faire. And indeed, I was raised by a narcissistic parent and attracted A LOT of male narcissists. I’m recovering and getting to know my needs, likes and dislikes. I told myself yesterday that communicating these things do not make me “difficult”, “neurotic” or anything negative of the sort. I hope everyone gets to heal from being “cool”.

[@phyllisjunemillerjohnson15]

I love and appreciate how deep you go with these subjects. This old 71 yr old just keeps learning even though the content isn't always directly relevant

[@megankingston7698]

❤❤❤

[@soilgrasswaterair]

1:13 Speaking of your books, I recommended my local library some years ago, to buy your book ”Don’t you know who I am?” and it’s requested so much these days that the library have ordered so many copies of the book. This time around I could see I didn’t need to ask them to buy your book, they have already ordered several copies of the one for 2024. I did a quick national check and libraries all over the countries have your books and some years ago they didn’t. Your books are very important, Dr. Ramani! ❤ / Scandinavian Ps. You are cool for waking people up and understand what they have been subjected to and thanks to your educating the public about narcissism, plenty of people have beeb able to make themselves free. Being educated, and to heal and to know what is healthy and what to look for and what to reject, is wonderful!

[@PassionJo777]

That ain't a cool girl!! A doormat!!!

[@SouLightness]

What a magnificent presentation! No needs, no trauma responses, faking indifference...pretend we are not together as its "not cool". Im so familiar with all these issues. I could never fake the coolness that all his fake friends displayed. I was the needy, the sick one, the one that still be dependant 50 years later because of illness and that history. I wish it was different but here i am...still learning. But one thing i know. I am warm. I never wanted the coolness...thank you dr Ramani. ❤

[@bex28eleven]

Ha. Yeah trust me I was the ‘cool’ girl. Always put up and shut up. When the cool girl spoke up, she was no longer cool but psycho . Now I’ll take psycho as authentic thank you very much. And by authentic I mean what I say and say what I mean. I’m good with me, and if anyone truly sees me and loves me then they’ll be good with me too and not want to make me into a no seeing no feeling doormat with no voice 🤷‍♀️❤

[@Headroomtalking]

What im hearing when you say "cool" is clay boundaries- "Thats cool, I won't stick up for myself." "I wont put my foot down."

[@laurahgrijalva4580]

I have lost count of how many times she has brought clarity , comfort ,and a branch to heal on. Thanks Dr.

[@kkey4700]

Thank you! You’re a wealth of knowledge and insight! I have done the cool girl thing - for me having no input no objections a pushover. Not anymore I’m finally getting stronger…as you said I was not allowed to be myself. I grew up in a toxic family system with loads of narcissistic abuse- and had to be silent with no opinions or disagreements. Unfortunately I’m still in a situation with two narcissists…both malignant but one is also covert. I was just told by text to not walk on the grass because walking with my boots on it is killing the grass. Can you believe it…..these people are psycho!

[@branighabrewer2650]

Thank you for your vulnerability in this video Dr Ramani!

[@daleswain9520]

Bam! Nailed it! Dr. Ramani, I am in the same boat that you described about your life on being the cool girl and I’m 63 so it has been my behavior as well during those relationships. I thought I guess naïve that a human being always is considerate of other people. And that if I spoke up, I might hurt their feelings. Now post my last intimate relationship with more narcissistic abuse relationship for 4 1/2 years I have become stronger and I see where my being the cool girl has damaged me. The fallout of it all is that my living my entire life as the cool girl, has made me very apprehensive to allow people to get close and certainly not date. Every time I’ve looked at a dating site or somebody talks about me meeting somebody I get the worst stomachache and a anxious feeling. Oh how I would love a partner, but oh how I would hate to get back into a narcissistic relationship. I still struggle with saying standing up, to people who asked too much of me so it’s best that I not get in the game. But not getting in the game of life is still cheating myself ugh. Thank you for today’s video! ❤

[@BuckleyThompson]

Sexlessness. Sharing a bed with someone who doesn’t acknowledge you are a sexual being hurts so much. I was in a sexless marriage for years. Being a woman with a high libido, I felt inadequate. Worst I feel invisible. The man who was “supposed” to want me, just didn’t. We talked about it many times, more than I can recall now. It was always me. I wanted too much - once a week was too much for him. I didn’t initiate - he was always complaining of headaches, stomaches, always stressed, always tired. I was too sexual - when being subtle doesn’t work, what is next? Explicitly saying I wanted sex. Oh but then it was not appropriate. Conversations would end up with him saying he didn’t feel desired or I made him feel emasculated because he didn’t want sex as much as I did. Yeah, it was always me. I could never win. While we were dating we would have a decent amount of sex, it was good. The first huge red flag was not having sex in our honeymoon - which I ignored. It rapidly decrease to once a week, then every other week. Years gone by it was months in between, by the time we divorced it was over a year with no sex. I cried myself to sleep more times that I can count. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. Was I that undesirable? Was I repulsive? After those conversations, I just stopped trying, initiating, mentioning sex. We were still loving - holding hands, hugging, kissing - but sex was off the table. He then cheated on me. Swore he had sex only 4 times in a year (or more) long affair. It didn’t matter. For years my self worth was damaged by him, years of low self esteem, years of feeling less of a woman, the marriage that was more than over, waiting in hospice, really ended. Funny how things are, I asked him for a divorce, he manipulated me into staying, next day his infidelity came to light. I was out as soon as I could. Best thing of my life. Additionally, That feeling when your partner cheated and you don't have the courage to leave him / her so you just death with the pain and live everyday asking questions about your worth. This pain is different from the cheating one_living and seeing him everywhere anticipating when he or she do it again. The best thing is to hire a private investigator Digitalinvestigate@gmail. com to help you spy on their cellphone remotely just like he did for me...

[@la6136]

So scammers are leaving comments about sexless marriages on KZbin now? I almost believed you until you suggested people hire a private investigator and then dropped your scammer email.

[@AngieKlammer-bz1go]

They are unsexual beings. Where No commitmend ist, there ist No real contact, No relationship, No intimithy, No Sex. Thats my experiances, too. Let him Go. And know, YOU ARE OK with your whole beeing. They are black whole. For ever

[@martikalyle6729]

Absolutely INCREDIBLE video, everyone who struggles with relationship trauma, anxious attachment and limerence should watch this and save it

[@michellegirau8136]

In the long run, being the "cool girl" is going to end up hurting you and leave you with so much unanswered questions.

[@cookiegirl891]

For real 😞

[@beatlebarb64]

In my case, not being cool enough was called not being "hippie" enough and I desperately wanted to be hippie. The hardest 12 years of my life and I'm so relieved it is over!! Thanks so much for sharing your personal life with us. You are a treasure!!

[@jillcummings8810]

I’ve been wondering for the past 6 yrs, since age 64, why I didn’t recognize this illness earlier. Decades of knowing the routine and going along with it had me believing that’s just who I am. I am not! It’s so freeing to be one’s self. Sometimes the things we can’t change are the things that can change us. Thank you Dr Ramani!

[@0723niki]

Yup. I tried so hard to be the cool girl. I thought my motto was "live and let live." I followed "The Rules" and sure enough, it got me a guy; a very narcissistic guy. After years of abuse, I found that "live and let live" just didn't work in relationships. I was soon anything but cool--depressed, having mental breakdowns, chronically ill. When I tried to communicate my concerns he sulked and called me a martyr. Nine years with a narcissistic alcoholic was a hard way to learn my lesson. "Warm is the loveliest thing a person can be." --thank you, Dr. Ramani, that's perfect.

[@bushraabdullah3208]

Only 5 minutes in and the "cool girl" just described me to the T... I'm actually shocked at how eerily similar this is to me... yes I got played by a narcissist 🤦‍♀️❤️‍🩹

[@CowgirlKim]

60 & not cool either! Warm and grateful ❤

[@delicate.mascara]

Oh wow, what a paradigm. I felt like if I reacted to the narc friend's behavior, I was giving her what she wanted - the conflict... but if I pretended something didn't bother me then it was as good as giving her permission to leep doing it. If I texted her a lot, I was clingy, but not texing her meant I was shady and secretive. You really can't win with a narcissist.

[@rebeccaf2649]

I've been told i need to have LOWER expectations when my expectations are already as low as they can go. I don't feel as though i can ask for anything in relationships without being told I'm asking for too much.

[@DivineNurturingLLC]

“You’re like hella cool, you just crazy”🤣🤣🤣

[@kondetichandini8966]

My life changed a lot after I first hit your channel, when I was going through the confusing phase of Narcissistic relationship. There's nothing that could actually convey my gratitude to you dear Dr. Ramani❤ Am from India, am thriving now. So so Thank you!

[@CarlaThomas-um4wh]

I've gone no contact a number of times. Each time, the narc pursues me relentlessly and tirelessly and pathetically until I cave. After a very brief love bombing, he goes silent for weeks at a time. And then just a short text or phone call once in awhile. It's amazing how the pattern just repeats and repeats! I must remind myself that "people learn to treat you by what you allow ". I've allowed way too much. I don't really believe his "it will be better this time" promises, but he just gets me every time with his pleas and pathetic entreaties. Maybe this time I'll learn to really leave....😢💔

[@eb_sade]

Don’t give up you literally have to work at it everyday!

[@CarlaThomas-um4wh]

@@eb_sade Thanks for the encouragement Ebonee, I will!

[@janelleanderson6744]

Learn to not GO IN.

[@alcudiababe1]

I've just been sitting down nodding at everything that you're saying. It's describing the relationship between me and my family. Whenever I've brought up problems outside the home or "friends" who've done the nasty, they're hugely supportive but if we have issues between us they never get addressed, any concerns of mine don't get listened to and a resolution is never found. Any courage to address anything is dismissed so I try and not talk. I used to call it learning to sweep my feelings under the rug and for so long they would be hidden but then the metaphorical dust gets blown about and my reactions don't match the situation that's currently happening at hand but I can't talk to my family. This is how growing up with them I've managed my feelings. Watching how unfair things are when it's about their feelings and that everything about their feelings is my fault, and if I could just do better, be better - but I'd never felt so alone. So I get all this. Even in relationships because when you can't quite get the guys you like when you finally get someone I know at least I aimed to be the cool girl, the girl I reckoned most guys would want. I told myself I'd be so attentive, so loving - I completely lost track of myself and deep down I wanted to be the top of someone's list not him, his dog, his Mom, anyone else like his mates and I come right down at the bottom. I did know that I deserved to be at the top of someone's list but back then I wasn't getting on anyone's list making myself hugely available to a Narcissistic partner and then he just messed me up even more but I will say because of him I have boundaries, some, not a lot, but some. These days I'm nice to most people but immediately when they do me wrong especially if it's someone new, and not someone who I've known over a period of time so that I've got good gage of their personality - I don't want to know them.. plus I go to a trusted friend where I'll get good judgement from if I know I need it but at the age of 38 I am getting better judgment of other people's characters and recognising toxic traits and leaning who not to trust. I still don't talk to my family as much but I feel I've got a good solid support network around me who understands my family dynamics whilst I'm working towards radical acceptance.

[@missbalog]

I'm literally shocked. I wish content like this was available 15 years ago, so I didn't end up in an over decade long relationship that is what dr Ramani explains to the T. Thanks so much for this and your other content, the world need to know about this and we need to be educated and aware so there's less and less opprtunity for them to cause harm. My health and my mental health is so damaged that after years of the trauma being over, I'm still healing. At least I survived and I feel greatful for that period of my life to be over and the opportunity for a healthy life. Please keep up the amazing work!❤

[@calvinnwoohoo]

Thanks for your candor and wisdom of your relationship lessons. The overall feeling and theme I feel from this video reminds me of Oprah saying “you know the relationship is right, when you’re not betraying parts of yourself”

[@birdfriday]

Cool Girl for the Unconscionably Cruel

[@kondetichandini8966]

What a great wah wah! Dear Dr.Ramani❤ As always it feels like my inner self is guiding me through. And it feels like having a deep discussion with my beloved mom❤ more power and love to you! n to all those who endured the hell! Ramani! I couldn't have thrived without your support and generosity ❤

[@HonaMalta]

It is a great bless to know you, doctor Ramani. It's a great bless to have you, openning our own eyes on all of these crucially important knowlege! Will repeat myself here: i wish i've known all of this earlier! But, it is still great to know them by their real, right titles, after getting to experience them for many years! Bytheway, i believe that this should be taught in schools! May be, starting from the last year, or years of "primary" school! The sooner is the better in this! It's like teaching the pure humans, with pure conscience a defence sport, in order to protect themselves! Thank you very much doctor Ramani 🙏❤️

[@Lerenarddanslabergerie]

« It is not a relationship, it is servitude » wow, this did speak to me!

[@ChrisTina-ix1ig]

Dr Ramani I heard everything you said. I just want to add that you are glowing!

[@LucyTheBlackCat]

Thank you for sharing the wisdom, strength and hope that you acquired with your years of experience and education. You make the world a better place. 😊

[@Inspo-gr3rb]

The self-disclosure from you Dr Ramani was heart warming, the 60 years thing, you are truly very kind have helped me so much not to fall back into a long-term narcisstic relationship. There were times I slipped but I saw the signs and left eventually, sometimes while my attachment style was still playing out, but my mind understood what is up. Thank you

[@triciaandthewolf]

I've always been the cool the girl ,I was never demanding ,married a narcissist,having been mentally abused as a child I was an easy target to be manipulated. It nearly destroyed me and took a lot of expensive therapy to sort myself out . I really don't want to be in relationship again .All I need is my two boys ,the cat and a house by the sea as I'm done with relationships. All I want is peace. Narcissists are vile .

[@ms.annthropic6341]

When I think “cool girl” I don’t think of someone who takes shit, people pleases, and goes along with everyone else’s expectations as “cool”. Generally I think of “cool girls” as women who are strong, capable, upfront, demand respect, know their worth, etc. “I have no needs/boundaries” isn’t cool, it’s pathetic.

[@meekmeek8198]

This right here!!! 👏👏👏👏👏

[@coreyrenik6419]

Great message Doc. Dignity, Respect. You are A 🔥 of authentic ❤️

[@DJBILLYHOPRODUCTIONS]

This was a REAL one again, people. Thank you! All truth! 100% Accuracy ❤

[@carrietetzlaff8941]

I have been listening to Dr. Ramani for two years now. She has yet not said anything that's not on point or real. She is, for what it's worth, amazing. I'll be buying your book for many friends. Boys and girls:)

[@valerialoaiza4574]

This video is a love letter to all those girl that one day we thought being "cool girls" are gonna getting us a cool partner. The healing process is hard but at the end the reward is infinite. I am crying tears rember when I was the "cool girl" but at the same time so gratefull to find this content.

[@caitlyn7310]

This felt like gospel, I don’t know how else to describe it, my parents go to church and I listen to you and people like you. This video nurtured my soul. Thank you

[@karencox8699]

❤❤yes took me 70 yrs to get it!! I love your channel and start my day with it! I refuse to be in relationship with anyone who is not authentic and. That is not COOL! 😂😂😂

[@Humblebluegalaxy]

Yeah, I feel pretty bad for putting up with what I put up with in the past from people. I made many excuses for people. I don’t do that anymore.